Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Back at home from vacation, and back at work this morning. Vacation was good, although a lot of stressful things have happened. I am hoping to update here a bit more but here is a small glance.

Great Grandpa's funeral was yesterday, and the burial is today (I am unable to be at either)
My mom's heart problems are terrifying. She does not let on just how bad they are until I see her. It is hard to know I may lose her soon too. If the medicine doesn't start working she will suffer a heart attack.. there is no surgical option that can help her..
My lifeline at work got fired. I needed her here so I am learning to be without her.

[Elphanigh]

I learned a lot in my stressed state last night. I mean I have known these things on some level but it reaffirmed them for me.

*Trigger Warning*

1. I am afraid of my anger because I don't want to be like my mom who used to yell and scream, and then even hit us. I don't want to be like my first abuser who used to shove me around, and got violent when she was mad. I don't want to be like my second abuser, who hurt others when he was angry at me, or shoved me around. I don't want to be like the guys I remember who would rape me in groups back to back.. When they were angry I got hurt and yelled at more, it was rougher and more painful.

2. I am scared to be scared because it meant I was vulnerable to their words. It meant I felt the hurt from the abuse more, that I absorbed their words and actions more. If I could be less scared I hurt less. It also meant that I never spoke up.. I am afraid to be scared because it caused so much pain

3. I am afraid to grieve because when I was younger grieving deaths of family members and friends left me vulnerable. I also got made fun of by my abuser for being weak... He used to try to toughen me up.

4. I can count on one hand the number of places I was safe in my childhood. It doesn't even begin to take the whole hand to count either..

5. I was the protector and always will be. Even when I am trying to help myself I am doing so by not letting myself hurt others in the sense that I close off to not cause any pain

There is more but for now that is all I can do. I see my T today and feel like I might just explode on her... 

[Elphanigh]

*trigger warning*


So my session with my T is in about 3 hours. I am a little worried about it but also really glad to have it today. A ton has been going on since I have seen her last.. I mean the suicidal episode, family death, my trip, dating a new girl, Sara being difficult, my mom's health, my own health... The fact I am tired all the time and can't seem to wake up with my alarm anymore.

Processing the fact that there was other types of abuse is so difficult. Having to accept not just the sexual abuse I endured.. I was so blind to the other types because my sexual abuse was so consuming and terrible.. I was raped multiple times daily, by multiple people.. sometimes more violent than others... little did I see the emotional abuse, or verbal, physical abuse from my family... because My family were the kind ones to me... their emotional and physically abusive tendencies were kind in comparison so I didn't see it.. I didn't let myself see it.

Having to recognize that people I have dated and some friends were also abusive to me... the fact that one of my college professors was a narcissist that was abusive to me.. it is hard.

*end trigger warning*

No wonder when someone is kind to me I am always suspicious.. or don't believe that it is real. I was never given that kindness as a kid, even from people I thought were being kind... they truly weren't treating me well, it was just better than how other people were treating me. I have a hard time coming to terms I was never shown the kindness I deserved. That I can think of two places I was ever truly safe as a kid.. and they were not places I got to go to very often...

This phase a realization has been a lot to take in recently. On top of all my other troubles right now... I will get there,  but goodness I wish sometimes that I had grown up to know more kindness from people. Maybe my lack of experiencing led me to be this kind person now though.. and I wouldn't change that part of me for anything...

[sanmagic7]

i hear ya, elphanigh.  i continually grieve the lack of kindness i've received, and burst into tears when i do receive it.  it seems overwhelming, even the smallest bit.  i can't tell you how many times i've cried after reading a kindness someone has offered me on this forum.

i hate the fact that you had to endure all that, sweetie.  i can understand how a lack of the violent abuse could seem like a kindness.  you're showing so much courage and strength in letting this out.  big hug to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much. I am sorry that you too had that lack of kindness, but am ever grateful for all the understanding you show me. I am trying to be strong in getting it all out... having to call abuse, abuse is hard some times. I let a lot out to my T today which was truly good. It was hard but I was finally able to let out that my family gave me so much responsibility and put the weight of the world on me... even if unintentionally it wasn't right. I was responisble for everyone's well being, mental health, some money, the housekeeping of the house, and just to keep everyone from fighting. Was responsible for both my parents and my siblings feelings and all of the above. For a young child that is entirely too much...I got punished for slip ups or minor mistakes.. so I was always on edge.. then put it with the extensive, horrific, violent abuse I was getting outside the home.. and well somehow you get me.

With my mom being truly sick right now I am struggling with this... They can't operate on her because of where the clot is... so if her medicine doesn't start working... she will suffer a heart attack which will almost definitely kill her... there is nothing else they can do short of a transplant... so we wait and home the medicine works... I feel bad recognizing all of her unhealthy behaviors... the suicide threats my dad helped with... the way she treated me the only time I tried for help... the way she treated my anxiety symptoms when she herself was a psych ward nurse... She needed me to be perfect.

Sorry rant done.. There is a lot in my heart right now but it is 2a.m. and I must try to sleeop

[sanmagic7]

no apologies necessary.  i'm just glad you have a place to put all this crapola, elphanigh.

struggles because of parents.  i, personally, don't think there's any shame in speaking the truth no matter what their health is.  we need to get the gunk out for our own health and sanity - we can't control whether they're going to be healthy enough.  besides, healthy enough for what?  it's not like you're standing over her in her sickbed, ranting in her face.

i used to feel guilty about talking about my ex, what he's done because it felt like i was sharing his secrets that he'd given me in confidence.  eventually, i  got over that.  i was abused by what he'd done, even if it was sensitive in nature, and part of my road to recovery was getting rid of the poison inside me.  we all need that support for the tough times in our lives.  it's not us who did wrong.

best to you with this situation.  it's never easy.  i have no doubt you'll do what's best for you.  love and hugs.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. You are so good to me. Apologizing is a force of habit, I am working on.

She is thankfully not in a sick bed, she can move around but the heart clot will act up suddenly when it gets truly bad. It is a great mystery

It is so helpful to have your wisdom, and caring. I finally cried tonight... it has been a long time. I think I have been trying to be strong way too long.. it finally built up in my body and I just cried... for a long time. I needed it.

[asyouwish]

Hey --

I don't have anything to say, just that I'm reading and I hear you. I relate to the lack of kindness thing. I've worked where I am for seven years now and I'm still not used to the kindness they show me.

Big hugs. 

You're doing great. Congratulations on having a cry. Sometimes that's a really big step.

Edited to add: I love, love, love your signature quote. I don't know if you had it before and I never noticed, but it's fantastic.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for letting me know you are reading this. It means a lot to me, that people take the time to do that. 

It felt like a good step, I really needed it out I guess.

I am glad you love the quote. I added it a day or two ago. It is part of a poem I randomly stumbled upon, on a rough day. It really resonated with everything I needed to be reminded of.

[sanmagic7]

those tears can be some of the most caring things we do for ourselves, letting out the poison, the tension, the stress of trying to do it all.  i'm glad for you that you let them come.  well done.  big hug, sweetie. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for that. It happened again yesterday.. I am on such a roller coaster right now. I am just wishing to feel stable. Even for a few days. I was doing so well yesterday, and got thrown into another spiral. I can't seem to keep anything good for long right now, it is so easy to send me spinning.

I wish for a few days of stability, for just a minute of peace. I wish that I could not be thrown for a loop so easily, that the universe would stop hanging me more to struggle with. I wish it would realize that I can't handle all of this.. that it is trying to crush me, and I just need a bit of air. I wish that I could focus on things like my grad school paper and healing... those thigns are for me, but instead I just have to focus on surviving each day..

I had to sleep last night because I would have been dangerous to myself if I hadn't/ This after I had gotten to destress with a friend and some movies.. This roller coaster is so exhausting and I just want it to pause for just a little while.. to let me catch my breathe.

For me not to have to feel like I am hurting someone, disappointing some, that people are not trying to think for me for once. To feel like I can think in peace for a few moments.. to not have to worry about where food is going to come from.. or which bill isn't getting paid because I am human and have to eat.. I want to not have to be working so much.. it is exhausting what little I have left.

I want my person back... the one that could be strong for me when I couldn't be.. that would hold me until I could get my strength back and remind me I will be okay.

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

  Thank you Three Roses, the hug means more than any words right now

[Elphanigh]

I have worked with numbers, and paperwork today. Having the solid, not confusing, factual grounding that is in that is phenomenal sometimes.  I haven't had to socialize much, and haven't had to please people per say. I feel more grounded and more myself at this point. So now, I need to look at why I am roller coastering.. why I am in this pattern so I can keep out of it, or at least shorten recovery periods between lows at the moment.

1. Overwhelmed with the mix of emotions towards my mom. She has a blood clot that may kill her, and I am terrified to lose her. I love her dearly and I  know how quickly things can go from being mediocre to being super life threatening. I also have had to recognize in the last month how abusive my family was, her especially. She was emotionally/physically/mentally abusive to me, and still can be if I am not carefully drawing boundaries. It is truly hard to accept that my parents were also abusive to me, I thought they were loving and wonderful for  the longest time. I was looking past the abuse to help me survive. However I have to be able to call the abuse, abuse to more on.

2. I lost the last family member with a safe place. I had so few, losing a symbol of that has spun me around.. I feel lost.. my inner child is so scared and alone.

3. I lost my person... the person that was strong when I couldn't be. Things are tense there, and it is hard to fix. I am worried it won't get fixed. So I feel more alone.. and have to be strong every minute of every day. I hurt

*trigger warning*
4. I am coming to know the name of what happened to me as part of my abuse... I was traded by one of my abusers.. he traded me to other guys, or groups of guys who raped me.  He got various things out of that.. money, items, games etc.. He also got to watch and egg them on. I was sold for so little to other people by him... that is exploitation.. I have to come to terms with that word. I know I was but I have to come to terms that I was sold.. that my body was sold.. I was just given to people sometimes too.. just to watch me get hurt.. or because I had been bad.. It hurts to sit with that more fully.

*end trigger warning*

5. Finances.. I was used for finances and was always way too aware as a small child what out financial situation was as a family. I helped pay for things, and was used to help watch other peoples kids and never saw any money for it but my parents did. My finances tanking has really hit hard because of the reminders... I mean them tanking is stressful and terrifying in itself.

6. Job, I feel the same pressure from one of my bosses back and forth attitude toward me the way I did when my abusers were back and forth. It drives me nuts and has me on edge all the time.

7. Everyone is trying to think for me.. or has an opinion on my love life,,, and life in general it is difficult.

8. Things like grad school, and reading have been put on the background just so I can survive and manage everything being through at me. Those things are things I want to do, that I am excited about and am doing for myself.. that is what is suffering.

9. I feel like I am not enough. even if Sara swears she isn't choosing him over me, I feel like that is the case. I can't help sometimes but feel like I am not enough. I can sometimes remember her truth, and my own worth but in all this stress it is hard to remember my worth.

that was long, but a listed out version of what is going on is helpful.

[sanmagic7]

i'm really glad you found that helpful, even with all the horrors involved.  again, your strength and courage are shining through, even if you can't see them.   

you are an amazing person, elphanigh.  sending angel wings to embrace you and give you a moment of peace and rest.  they will be there for you whenever you need them.    love and hugs to you from someone who admires your determination.