Out of the Storm

Hi all,

I am starting a new journal for this. I have realized that I am starting a new chapter in life and in my recovery, so it is fitting to start a new one. Thinking about my life as it has been and finally realizing what it is that I want in recovery right now and  in life in general, has really helped me.

This is going to be a journal to me figuring out what healthy is for me right now. I was never shown what a healthy balanced life looked like, and I have realized that is what I want to find right now. I want to figure out how to live a healthier life, and feel healthier towards myself. Not to have so much unhealthy self talk and then just cycles in my life that are unhealthy for me.

My other journal was unfocused because I really didn't know where to start and what I wanted in recovery when I started that. It was a place to get things out. I feel the need to start anew in here as my life is truly starting anew. I have a new place, a new focus, and soon to be a new relationship status. This is a new start for me and I want to separate that from where I was. This is a journey to a healthy me, not to what I thought recovery would initially be for me

good for you - with you all the way!  hugs!

Thank you for the happy response! I am not really sure where to begin after I get my apartment done, but I will speak with my T on Monday. I think she is probably going to be glad that I have some sort of direction in my head now. Rather than just wanting to stare down the memories. I thought that was the way to go, just power through the memories and I would be better. I have rethought that approach, as I think she has kind of been trying to lead me too without forcing on me too much. Just leading me to find the direction maybe.

Either way I listened to this live video, and have done some reading. Has really inspired this shift in my focus. Maybe I don't have to face down all the memories at once in a stare down just work through them approach. Maybe I can see what healthy things I want to be doing and figure out which bits are stopping me from getting to that healthy point. No doubt that will mean facing memories and patterns of abuse but in a way that isn't just me wanting to push through them.

That in itself may be a healthy things that I have found

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that me striving to be healthy is going to require me to start being a bit more selfish. I have to be able to put my needs at least mildly above others to make this work. As a survivor this is a very difficult struggle, and I think the first thing I will need to conquer. I have to get past feeling guilty to looking out for my own interest, and for not always being able to save other people. In order to be  healthy, I need to figure out some boundaries and draw them for myself.

I have listened to some podcasts, and read some about healthy boundaries. This may be my first big task so I can truly begin to look inside myself more to figure out what I need for this healthy life balance. This adventure is terrifying but I am determined. I think it is going to hurt, but as a growing pain almost.  I want to be on the other side and healed already, but I know I am not and have a long way to go. I won't be able to just instantly accomplish that. I want to keep people around who respect my need to do this. I will need encouragement and love. I need to be able to give myself that as well. This is going to be a long journey starting now.

It is so easy to jump into my self sacrificing pattern, I find myself trying to slip into it as I go with this. Doing this is against my instincts because I was taught to always put others ahead of myself. I was taught that the only worth I had was my ability to help and save others. I am learning that I have some worth outside of that. I deserved to be happy as well. I deserve help because I can't do this all alone. I am trying to be kind and patient with myself through this. So I am typing here to remind myself to do just that today.

List of things I think healthy will require
1. Boundaries with my family, with Sara, and a few other individuals
2. Self-compassion
3. Positive self talk
4. A calmer base level (need my  normal not to be so anxious)
5. Acceptance of myself and where I am (this is a moving target but I need to accept where I am in life)
6. Healthier job environment
7. More stable finances
8, Less of a savior complex
9. Balance  between work and play
10. More emotional control

I think a list of ten is a good base idea of what I want. This is what comes to mind. I want all of  those things, I can't get them all at once. I can now reference them here. I have written them on paper as well.  I just need to figure out how to get each of these places. I am excited to see my T on Monday. It will be great to share this turn and hope that this can be a productive thing for me. Shifting my view from just being able to stare down my demons and attack them full on, to being able to create good and happy things for myself. Focusing on the goal of good rather than simply less bad might truly help

that sounds pretty wise to me - bringing in more good/healthy into your life rather than simply focusing on what was neg., even if it is to stare it down.   sometimes it may be necessary to bully those demons back to where they belong, which is outside of ourselves, but i don't think we have to have that as our main focus.

i like to break that word selfish down to being self-ish, as in focusing more on self than on others.  we've usually been taught that this is a bad thing, that we're bad people for wanting to care for our 'self'.  how many times did we want to play with something that was rightfully ours, only to be told to 'share'.  we weren't even allowed to enjoy our own things when we wanted to!

no wonder the word 'selfish' has gotten such a bad rap.  there's hardly anything worse than being called selfish, unless (in my case) it was to be called lazy.  once again. lazy has been the neg. label used when we want to take some time off to rest, relax, to regroup.  to be self-ish.

that's not to say that i don't like to share, because i do, but i enjoy it when it's on my terms, on my timeline, and when it feels right for me.  anything that's forced feels like it's in order to appease someone else's agenda or way of thinking. 

so go ahead, be self-ish, take time for your self, do it the way that pleases your self, enjoy your self.  your boundaries and perspective are important to keeping a healthy self, to my mind.   i'm glad for you.    :hug:

Breaking that word down makes it so much easier to look at.  Thank you for that. It is a challenge to focus on my self because of two bad rap the word has. I spent my life epbeing expected to sacrifice for everyone else, and only to be worth something in the sense that I could help people.

I thought staring st the memories was what I needed, I am rethinking this

I told part of my story to someone last night in pretty good detail. I expected some back lash because of it today. Like some emotional, or physical back lash or something. Instead, I feel energetic and happy for the first time in a long while. Like having someone believe me and understand was such a big deal.  Knowing that I was working so hard to find ways to not blame myself, to see them as the problem and not me. To deeply get validation for not only my sexual abuse, but also my emotional, physical, and verbal abuse that came as a background to the more prominent sexual aspects.

I think I needed that validation, to be okay taking a step back and being more patient with myself in my healing.I am terrified that this will rob the rest of my life from me. I am 22 and have so much time ahead of me. I have giant aspirations for my career and for more degrees that I want to achieve. I am terrified that my Cptsd will rob me of that. It affects so much of my life, and recovery is so difficult. I don't want to just be a product of my abuse, but I am worried that I will never get to be more than that. It is hard to imagine a life where that is the case.

I want to get to heal, to just stare down the demons and move on with my life. To prove my strength against them and just be done. It is so hard to know that I can't just do that. I can go in guns blazing and be done in a short time. That I can't just stare it all down at once, fight them, and then have them go away. To know that I will always struggle in some form. That I won't ever completely be okay, that I can never have that fully because many people chose to give me this life when I couldn't choose for myself. It just makes me sad... makes me wonder if I can ever have the life I dream of... or if what happened to me will permanantly set me too far behind... to damaged to ever lead a normal life. Right now it all looks normal, but put me under the stress of grad school, and getting a phd... maybe I won't make it. Even now it looks normal on the outside but I am like a duck... peddling like crazy under water to keep it going.

I guess  I am just scared and sad of my Cptsd some days. I didn't ever get given a chance to live my life as it should have been. I don't know any different than a life full of abuse. I mean my last abuser was a narcissistic teacher I had for my undergrad degree. That until recently I didn't have a name for what it was she did to me... I know now she is a narcissist that did a great deal of damage, and I have done a 180 for fields of study because of her. I lost a passion and had to find a new direction because of that abuse...

I  just want to be healthy. I wish I could stare all my memories down, all of my abusers (how ever many that actually is), all of the demons that created... I wish I could stare them down, look at them with great strength and move on. I don't have that strength... I spent too many years being groomed, and gaslight... I spent too many years experiencing so many different types of abuse... I can't just stare it all down.. It won't just go away. I can't just simply live a life that I want to. I have to constantly balance recovery with the rest of my life.... and I hate it.

I hate the fact that I didn't get a choice in this all. I didn't choose to have this.. I didn't choose to experience anything that I did. Certainly, didn't ask to have to go through this fight for the rest of my life... I wish I knew life without abuse, at least for a little while. Maybe something to hold onto but I don't get that. I didn't get to becuase people decided to hurt me, and blame me. Chose to teach me how worthless and horrible I was instead of protect me.

I don't want this fight... I shouldn't have to fight.. but I do. I just want to be done sometimes, to get to live without it. Sometimes wish I could yell at them for what they caused. I don't get angry often but it happens occasionally. I jsut know I don't deserve this but am stuck with it. I am terrified this will always be my life...

I didn't ask for this.. none of us did and that is horrible.

it is horrible, and it isn't fair.  i'll tell you straight, you are 22 and coming at this guns blazing.  i didn't get to where you are until 2 yrs. ago.  i'm 69.  i have every faith that at your age, you will, indeed, be able to put this behind you for the most part in much less time than it took for you to realize it. 

elphanigh, i'm so happy for you that you are battling this with the knowledge of what it is at such a young age.   i have more than 50 yrs. more abuse piled on.  for me, i can realistically say that i don't know that i'll ever get through this before i die, but i have every faith that you will.  you will get your ph.d, you will go on to realize many of your dreams, and you will have a happy, abuse-free life, if that's what you want.

it may not seem like it to you now, it may not look like it for the future, but you're also going through an emotionally difficult time right now, and that always makes things look dimmer.  you will survive, you will keep on keepin' on, you will eventually be able to stare down those demons and eliminate them (or at least get them to a manageable state where they don't interfere with the way you want yourself and your life to be), maybe not all at once, but little by little.  they won't run your life forever, won't haunt you forever, won't torment you forever.  they will become memories that you can accept, and move on from.

keep going, sweet elphanigh.  you're doing fine, even in your venting.  you're getting the poison out, and that's a good thing.  you still have dreams, and that's a good thing, too.  in time, things will fall into place.  big hug to you.

My dear Sanmagic7, that legitimately made me cry to read. In a good way, don't  you worry, but it takes a lot to bring me to tears. You are very kind to me, and give me so much hope.

I am grateful to have gotten to this point so early in my life, while at the same time terrified that I am at it too early. Like I won't have enough life experience or strength I guess. I am glad you did finally find this place two years ago, and wish you very much luck on your recovery. I do hope you get to find peace in your life. I read my first psychology book at 14, and read about ptsd because I wanted to know what was wrong with me because I was different. I grew up the always curious academic, with a lot of my memories in tact. It is a blessing for sure, to know all of this and be going guns blazing. I forget that sometimes

Thank you for all of your beautiful faith in my ability to get through this, and lead that life. To have my Ph.d and be happy.  It is what I want, it is my way to help the world be a better place. To build better minds through it.

That third paragraph is where I cried. Hearing all the they won't statements, just thinking about a life like that and the idea I could have that.... that someone thinks that I can have that. It gives me hope and tears. Starting this process is terrifying as you well know, especially with more abuse on you than I have years in my life. My last one ended last year thankfully, and I have been pushing to realize things since. Really since I was 14 and read that book. I am grateful to be a book worm. It is hard to envision the life you set out in that paragraph, but I want and hope for it so much. Whatever it may feel like I know I want it, and wish everyone here could have that. So much wish that you get that.

Thank you San, you are beyond sweet and kind to me. You care so much, I can see it in the words you write to me. You are truly a friend my dear. I apprciate hearing that I am doing fine and that my venting even is good. I have fought to keep my dreams, they are what got me through I think. I had this dream of everythign I could do, everyone I could help. That kept me alive this far. My books and my dreams are what keep me here, I have fought my whole life, I am nto about to give up I promise. I feel like doing so sometimes, I kind of do right now but  your response has helped reignite that flame. I have always been a fighter and will continue to do so. I  have a flame brighter than anyone would expect and I fought for that right.

I do truly hope to achieve that life you describe. I have no real idea what that would be like, but one day I hope to find out. I hope you find out as well. You deserve it so much, with everything you have been through, and everyone you help. You are one of the most kind individuals I have ever known, and I am lucky to have you at all. You bring light to my life every time I read something from you. I want you to know what you have and are continuing to do for me.

thank you, dear elphanigh, for your kind words. 

don't get me wrong, i've had a great life, and have realized most of my dreams (i think, really, the only one i'll miss now is going to see the sistine chapel.  that's  been a dream of mine since my 20's) in spite of everything else that's gone on.  i moved across country out of my folks' home when i was 21, lived among surfers and the beach life of so. calif., experimented - sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll!.  i've traveled both with others and by myself on road trips, seen most of the u.s. by car, i got to live in a foreign country for 15 yrs, and all the experiences that brings, i went back to school in my 40's, got my master's, worked as a therapist with troubled adolescent girls in my 50's, and had great success there.  when i was 60, i even got a paper published in a professional journal (without access to a library.  just found a way to do the research i needed online).   i married 3 men (the last one was when i was in my 50's) who i loved, had 2 daughters.  those were all dreams of mine that came true, and they were dandy.

so, in spite of or because of what i've gone through, i learned from it all.  just, i suspect, as will you.  i don't think you're too young.  we learn as we go along.   the rules change from place to place, but as long as you've got an open mind and that great curiosity, you'll be just fine.  you'll make mistakes, but you'll learn from those, too.  no shame, no blame in that.  you read and you listen - that's how we learn.  i believe you have a very bright future ahead of you because you're going to make it so.

you're working through one of the lumps in the road right now, but you'll come out stronger on the other side.  i know that sounds like a cliche, but, from personal experience, that really is how it works.  just keep moving - forward, backward, sideways doesn't always matter much.  the movement is what's important.  without movement, we stagnate and eventually wither.  even when we take a break, we're moving in a positive direction.  everyone who posts on this forum is moving in some way, shape, or form.  it takes movement to bring yourself here and let yourself be heard.

i think you're really doing well, sweet elphanigh.  keep those dreams - they are what help keep us going.  love and hugs, always!

That sounds like such a wonderful life. What an adventure. I want to travel like that one day. I have done some but have such wanderlust. Europe is in my books for August (at least a short trip). 

Thank you for so much support and faith. Also just for sharing so much with me, it dos truly give me hope for my future. I do truly mean all of the kind word dear San  :hug:  Your kind words, hugs, and love go a very long way for me. I smile more because of them some days.

It is nice to have someone think I am doing well, I am too hard on myself. We are our own worst critics to put another cliche into our conversation.  Hugs to you as well, we are making it through this crazy adventure. I would be very lucky to be as wise and as hopeful as you

Going to post here as I am dealing with remembering more. I know part of me wants to fill the gaps. Part of me wants to remember so I can get over all of it. So I know exactly what I went through. I remember a lot, sometimes I think I know too much. However my mind suddenly deciding I can start to have my repressed memories back in the last month or so is not a fun adventure....

Currently wishing to never get them back as I am getting one more fully back at work. I remember it flashing by a bit when I was telling some things to a friend a few days ago but now that I was kind of close to an anxiety attack it decided to be more fully formed and evil. I don't know why I ever thought I would want these back. I really don't

*Trigger warning*


I am rememebring more fully the trio of men that hurt me, while egging each other on... I remember a newer one that flashed by but now I can feel it like I am choking on it almost... Can see what she forced me to do to her, I can feel the fear and hear the words said to me... can see why I was so afraid.. can see little me on her knees.... wishing to fun away for anywhere but where she was.... I can see how horrible one of my abusers was in this moment, why one of my fears is truly there in real life...

I don't want these back... I don't want to remember. It feels like going through it again. I don't want that.. I do want to heal and maybe that means these but damn I wish I could have them at times where I was somewhere I could handle them... not at work where I have lost my ability to do my job correctly at this moment

I want to run, to not remember ever.. to go play with chalk and never come back... far away from anythign stressful that can hurt me and cause this....

Had some time to breathe this out and get back to my logical self. Thank goodness for the fact I carry good smelling things on me at all times.

I need to let these come as they do, which is much harder than that simple statement suggests. They are scary and I am trained to doubt myself so it is hard not to fight them, because I don't want to think they exist. I doubt my own ability to remember. Like maybe my mind is making thing up. I heave to remember I would never create these. I don't want to have been abused or to be scared and feeling that. I would never choose to create the things that I remember.

Whether or not they are 100 percent accurate I will never know, but the trauma from them is obviously there. I am not creating false trauma. I wouldn't do that, goodness knows I have enough. I also know just how it is to remember what I do have so I wouldn't intentionally put more on my plate. 

I will learn to trust and breathe through these in time, to not judge them. They are there for a reason, there is some residual trauma surrounding them, and my mind for whatever reason thinks I can handle them.

This too shall pass :hug:

i've had memories come up outta nowhere as well alone the line.  don't know why, don't consciously know what triggered them, they just appeared.  there was a time within the past year when they were coming fast and furiously and i could barely keep track.

sometimes i got overwhelmed - there were just too many too fast.  that really didn't  feel good at all.  it would mess me up at times.  but, with the help and support i found here, i was able to make my way through a large part of them.  that felt really good.

now i have some residual stuff that comes up every so often, but mostly i'm focused on my physical maladies.  they are overwhelming and wearing.  i think it's great that you keep good smells on you to help you through the tougher times.  again, you're doing really good with this.   

trained to doubt yourself.  that's quite a statement right there.  this stuff sucks so much.  when we were born, we never doubted ourselves.  that shows how much mind-bending we've come through.  i totally believe you're not making any of this up, not the memories, not the trauma.  that goes against our being human.  you are, however, finding great ways to deal with both.  big hug.

Thank you so much for always telling me I am doing well. I feel like I am just always overwhelmed lately. Like today caused a pretty intense anxiety attack at work out of the blue...  good to not have a flashback which could have happened, and was close to.

Smells are good, it forces me to breathe, both are calming. Helps keep me present. My T has really helped with that a lot.

I am glad I am not the only one that has these come out of no where. Up until a month ago I didn't ever have them.... like I would have almost told people that repressed memories weren't a real thing.. only because I hadn't read much and had never experienced them. Now that I have they will knock me on my tail. I got a full one, and glimpses of other things..lt is exhausting and I know my brain has a lot more. I have months of gaps in my years of abuse...

Thank you for believing me, and not doubting my memories or my truth. It means the world that you believe me. Also again just for thinking I am dealing with things well. I feel like such a mess... hugs

Dear Elphanigh, the struggle you have to live is like being under water holding your breath. Every once and a while you come up for air and take a giant breath...and go under again.

You also remind me of the wonderful goddess Persephone who lived a great deal of her life in the underworld. Her mother came looking for her there.

Maybe we can be the mothers who come look for you and pull you out of the water to breathe.

Breathe, beautiful Elphanigh.

Lingurine

lingurine, what a beautiful post!  lovely image.

elphanigh, that is definitely one part of recovery - the messiness.  we all go through it, and the farther into recovery we are, usually the shorter length of time we stay there.  hang on, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you.  what's your favorite scent?  most flowers are what appeal to me.  avon used to have a cream that smelled just like lily-of-the-valley.  absolutely lovely!  keep breathing, my dear.

Lingurine, thank you for that wonderful image. It really is what it feels like, being understand and just grabbing a breath when I am let back up. Also the comparison with Persephone is wonderful, you all do pull me back out. Like seeing these posts tonight are helping to be a source of that.  Thank you for being that for me. Starting this whole process is terrifying, and I just kind of want to run back to where I could breathe better and not remember so much. Thank you for responding, it does a lot to help me

San, I truly hope I learn to get out of the messiness as I go. It feels like a mess most of the time at this point... I am so used to having my life together that this all just feels too disorganized and such. It is truly difficult for me.

I will hang on, thank you so much for being with me in that. I personally like peppermint or vanilla, flowers are good as well. Being outside in a garden is amazing for that. I will keep trying to breathe through this all. Thank you dear friend

well, your well-organized life took a major hit recently.  it's no wonder you're feeling messy.  no blame, no shame.  i think it's a natural part of this process of recovery.  i've been messy for over a month, what with one thing and another.  but, i'm feeling a bit better, a bit more settled now.  we'll make it through.  big hug to you, sweetie. 

It did definitely take a large hit. I am trying to find organization again. I got some today which has truly helped. Finding a routine in this new place will hopefully help to settle the mess out. I am really glad that you are starting to find less messiness. You have been through a lot lately, more turbulent than my own from what I can read, You show such great strength, I admire that greatly.

I am not excited for this part of recovery, although I doubt anyone ever is. I have spent my life organizing ever moment of my day. Not knowing when these emotions will hit, or when I will remember new things is hard. As a younger me I would push them away and never look back. Wiser me knows that doesn't work and isn't healthy. I am trying to find almost a new life style in all of this.

My past was full of mess, and I think I compensated for it in my life when I got that choice. Going back into the mess is difficult to say the least. Thank you for being here San. We will both make it through. Hugs to you too

small side note, your cute terms like sweetie or dear are the best things. I love reading them. Seeing that you have replied always brings a smile or at least a nice warm breath to my day

*Trigger warning*

I had a friend point out just what damage my FOO did... I had always kind of let it slide because it was so much better than the abuse I suffered at the hand of people that weren't my family. She said the words emotionally, and physically abusive. Somewhere in me I have always known that to be true, but it is truly difficult for another person to point it out to me.

My relationship with them is complicated, because I know they had good intentions and believed it was in my best interest. I know they want the best for me and always have, I have seen it in their other actions. They just didn't parent well... constant fear of making a mistake, or failing expectations because that meant a beating. No marks ever but I think enough to damage a kid. Being angry about my anxiety and how it progressed as I got older... My mom's treatment of it led to my suicide letter, and had a friend not been there that night I wouldn't be around

My FOO was the good part of my child hood, so it is hard to call it abuse. I know it was emotionally and physically in ways that I don't have the heart to list here this morning. I know the friend who saw through me just simply being worried about letting everyone down and messing up. She saw it just in the way I acted, no real prior conversation and that led to me describing it, and her terming it abusive. This is difficult, but I need to recognize that damage as well.

I know my parents are starting to become better people. I have watched them work on being better over the last few years, as people they are. From a distance they are much better parents, and I lvoe them and some of the good they gave me. They did some damage, and I wish things had been different but I don't want to live and resent them. That won't help anyone

I have decided that I am going to try to be truly vulnerable with my T today. To show her my fears.. to admit that I am scared of a lot. I play so tough, and I am, but not as much as I come off as. I don't like to show fear, because fear is weakness in my experience. When I was afraid things hurt worse, or I caved to things I shouldn't have. I think it is time to tackle this a bit. I think letting her see how afraid I am may open up a bit more of myself for her. It won't be easy but I think it need to be done.

I am afraid that I don't have enough strength to heal, that my demons will be too much for me. I am afraid that no one will ever accept the whole of my abuse as it is, as I remember it. That if someone learns everything that they will always end up leaving, or not believing half of it.. It is hard to accept my CSA let alone the physical, and emotional abuse I experienced all of my life... I am worried she won't do that because it sounds like too much for me to be functioning as I am.

I think part of this is me projecting on everyone else my own fear to accept it all... and my own confusion about how I am functioning after everything. I mean my CSA list many of you have read in my other journal.. put on top the emotional, physical abuse from my family.. abusive boyfriends and then a professor in college.... I should be much worse off I think.. so maybe I am just projecting.

Being vulnerable fully is hard.. to admit I am afraid. I am afraid of this process, of not succeeding and only getting worse. I am scared I will fail, that my demons will win. That everyone that abused me will win.. That I will become broken like they tried to make me... I am worried I already am broken adn am just kidding myself when I think I can heal... when I see strength in myself.

I am scared to fail...

it takes so much courage to be vulnerable, it's exactly the opposite of what we were taught.  it takes courage and strength to be honest to and about yourself.  it takes determination to go through with your plan to do something different with your t.  it takes fortitude and valor to charge through your fears.

with all these qualities you possess, elphanigh, there is no way the demons will get the best of you.  if you were already broken, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't be admitting, wouldn't be willing to do something different. 

you've got some guts, sweetie.  just keep doing what you're doing, cuz you're moving in a very positive direction, from what i'm seeing.  with you all the way.   big hug!

Thank you, dear friend. It is good to hear you say I have guts! Along with all Those other qualities. I am trying to have them and just keep learning and pushing forward. It is a confidence boost to read your post.

I did manage to open up and admit my fears to her.. all three of the big ones, that I am not strong enough to heal, that I never will, and that no one would be able to accept everything I had to say. She did so much to listen, validate, and help with those. It filled me with hope.

We are going to start some ego state work, which will require a lot of vulnerability from me, and will probably make me remember more of my past but I think after today I can trust more. She didn't push away the fears.. instead validated them and ensured me how strong I am... how I won't fail, and how she isn't going anywhere, that I couldn't tell her anything she hasn't heard or can't deal with. She opened up some about things that helped me relate and about more of her background as a therapist. It made me have more faith that she could handle me.

I am excited to start working on this, and am going in with both of us knowing that I am the kind ti try to plow through it all but need to be more controlled about it to be kind to my emotional being and inner self. I think there is a lot of self discovery about ti be had

Being vulnerable sounds scary, and it can also seem overwhelming sometimes. So it's exciting to see you willing to venture on despite the fears. Won't be easy--you know that. And it might lead to more negative vibes, but in wholeness there's the potential for peace, too; for which you're ready, and deserving.

:thumbup: So here's to your voyage, today and the times that follow. :thumbup:

Thank you for validating that it is hard to be vulnerable. I am hopeful it is worth it, and will bring some peace eventually. It definitely felt better yesterday, having her know I was afraid and address those fears.

I am excited to start work after the holidays. It will be hard and I will probably remember more, as she has warned me. However I think it is the right step

I am learning to be stronger, and to see bad cycles before they fully form. This is progress,  but sometimes I want to run from that progress. To fall back into a comfort zone where I know there is some warmth, and love... Even if it isn't fully what I deserve.

I will be stronger than that, I will be brave and valiant. It is causing me a lot of pain right now, but I want to be healthy and maybe this is what I need to be going through to get there.

I can't go around it, sometimes the only way to fix things and learn is to go directly through the thick of the fight. I need all the strength I can gather through this. I know my weakness here, and I don't want to fall to it again. This is a long road for me, one of many challenges I am likely to face. I need to start it off well.

Here's hoping I am strong enough

Elphanigh, I guarantee you are strong enough. 

When I question it, I read this old string of tweets from the lead singer of the Mountain Goats (great band) and it always makes me feel better.

The links are here, but I'll transcribe them, too:
T1: https://twitter.com/mountain_goats/status/682592670418599936
T2: https://twitter.com/mountain_goats/status/682592981841494016
T3: https://twitter.com/mountain_goats/status/682593324956532736

T1: To everybody who at some point in 2015 thought they weren't strong enough to make it through; oh yes you were
T2:  You were strong enough & you were brave enough & you were vulnerable enough to feel it & strong enough to bear it
T3: You did this not anybody else. Respect to the toolbox and love to the nails but praise to the worker and that's you if you're reading this.

Anyway, I don't know if that's helpful, but it always has helped me. I love sayings/platitudes/affirmations/whatever. I have them all over my house to remind me to be strong and to live life and that I deserve to.

I used to take them down when FOO visited, but now that I'm NC, I can decorate my house however I want, and that's so freeing.

Anyway, I hope that helps you.

:hugs:

Asyouwish,

That was extremely helpful. I think I am going to write that down in a place that I can see it at work today. It helps to read that. I need to believe in my own strength as much as everyone else seems to.

I greatly appreciate it :hug:

Getting back to my new journal, there have been a lot of posts on my old one. I think I am finding out what is healthy for me slowly. I have drawn some boundaries with people that are making me more secure.

I drew some pretty clear expectations for Sara which has truly helped, and she is sticking to them thus far. I also went on a date yesterday, and she is respectful of my boundaries as well. I know my love life is messy but right now I feel like I have control over it for once.

I have a ton of work to be doing this week, so I am finding that I meditate to help myself stay focused and clear headed. It has made a large difference. Hopefully it will stay that way. I had some small flashes of my abuse on Saturday that were pretty hard but otherwise my symptoms were pretty under control.

One step at a time on this journey. I am determined to find a good, healthy place for myself :hug:

you go, elphanigh.  you sound stronger, more sure of yourself.  glad to hear that.  big hug, sweetie!

I definitely feel stronger and more sure of myself today. Hoping sustain this for a while, it feels really nice for once. Dare I say, it feels peaceful? Big hugs to you too  :hug:

I do wish that I could keep days like yesterday in my life much longer. Today I am not so cure of myself, I don't feel as strong. Instead, I see my flaws... I see how I am going to let people down.. It is hard because I know it is better for myself, but I see how I am not good enough to manage it all. That hurts.

I realize how deeply woven that is for me. I used to only get praise for my perfect grades, or for when I excelled at something. I became good at everything, and learned that to get praise and love that is what I had to do. I did multiple sports, music, theater, and left high school valedictorian. I mean the habit ran for as long as I had been in school, I was that way when I was 5 too. Little miss overachiever they called me. I am both thankful and resentful of that name. Right now, I am feeling resentful... for when I feel even the slightest bit like I am going to disappoint someone or not live up to expectation I start to get this ache in myself.. the ache of me not being good enough.. I remember hiding my abuse by being the perfect student, friend, musician, and athlete. I remember feeling like it all came easily to me, but it was still a cover for my abuse and how I truly felt about myself.

None of it was ever enough. I am trying to learn to not feel like that... but I get so scared to not meet expectation.. for the punishments that come from not being that perfect girl... I realize it was either perfection and love, or a mistake and discipline.. My siblings got off easier because they never showed the promise that I naturally did... so it was only me.. It made me sick sometimes.. and in college certainly sent me spinning when I could not longer do it all... I couldn't be that girl anymore. I did very well  but it will always feel like it wasn't enough.

So I feel like I am failing now.. I could point out my every flaw... in the midst of this I am recognizing the covert abuse that was the cause of this.. and sometimes not so covert abuse depending on which source. My parents did this whether they realized it or not... and my other abusers certainly perpetuated it on a life or death kind of scale....

I want to learn past this, it just takes time and kindness from people. I know many kind people that want the best for me now. It still just feels weird to me, because I realize I have never truly had that. Even my parents never fully had just my best interest in mind. They cared but they used me for their own gain as well, and I definitely took on more as a kid than I should have because of them.

Everyone had something to gain from tearing me down... or saying they knew what was best, that they cared... It is hard sometimes to trust that people do actually just want good things for me... that they won't be mad if I can't meet expectations because it is just not feasible for me right now... that doing it would put me at risk of a lot... and that I can't do that... I remember that selfish was bad... that not living up to what was asked was bad... That it meant being punished in one way or another.. and being made to do the thing anyways...

Sorry, I am hurting today

*small trigger warning* Just emotional and raw ish

I don't want to remember.. I don't want to fight anymore. I didn't ask for any of this, and right now I know I didn't deserve it. I really hate all the realizations I have been having lately. I crushed the one source of true good and the only healthy example I ever had... I don't want to know that my family was abusive. That my mom was covertly abusive to me and physically abusive. That my dad sat back and enabled this. That they were so busy fighting to care about what was happening to me outside of the home.

I don't want to know that there were so many adults in my life I reached out to that failed me. That should have done something and didn't. I could have been saved from some of the worst of it. I would have never wanted to take my own life. I could have a more normal life right now.

I don't want to fight this all the time. I don't want to have to recognize patterns and figure out what demon it comes from... which part of my messed up past is haunting me. I don't want to realize I shouldn't be alive for all intents and purposes... I shouldn't have survived. I don't want that truth. I don't want to know that I was raped several thousand times.. that I was beat, and emotionally abused, taught the worst unhealthy habits... That I was forced to take on the care of everyone around me. I don't want this..

I don't want to feel broken anymore... to be exhausted because I can't handle what is going on in my current life, let alone what my past is causing... what going back to that pit is causing.. I want to be healthy and I am trying.. but this shouldn't be my fight and I don't want it. I want to be worrying about what normal 23 year old girls do

I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to remember..

It won't be like this forever. And remember, you are having good days now, mixed in with the rough days. This is not an illness, it is an injury. Recovery and/or healing from trauma IS possible. ♡

Hanging in with you, kiddo. :bighug:

Thank you Three roses. I needed that reminder so much. I must have read it at least five times. It is hard to believe right now, but I felt good and strong yesterday. I can look back and see words as proof of that. It is just difficult, like I want to see a light at the end of all this.. something that is gleaming saying come get me. There isn't that though.. I could be in this back and forth for years.

I get tired of fighting, of picking myself back up. I have been through so much, as we all have, and just want a bit of peace. To not fight for just a moment. I have been fighting all of my life.. I don't want to have to do it forever. I see people fighting this demon so late into their life.. it scares me some days. I applaud all of you for that fight and all of your wisdom, but I don't think I can fight that long..

Really this is me just tired and burnt out. Not by just the cptsd, by other life factors as well.. it just really highlights this issues... and my mind for whatever reason thinks this prime timing to remember things.. to see new patterns, to recognize things for what they are. It chose the most transitional point in my life to date to throw it at me.. to keep me on my toes... when I am already doing so much. I hate it.

I do truly hope it isn't always like this, that you are right that it is possible to heal. I really want to, I am just exhausted

:bighug:

*Trigger Warning*




I  haven't wanted to swallow pills, and just be done in a long time. Not so strongly anyways. I know exactly what I would take... I have a dangerous amount of things in my drug cabinet that by them selves would probably do it.

On that note, I won't take them. There is strength in me getting up and going to work today. Strength in taking only what I needed to of my meds, what I am supposed to take every day and no more. There is strength in writing here that I won't take them. That the thoughts are there but I have never been capable of going through with it, and I am not capable. I don't want to die, I just also don't want to feel right now.

I am away from anything dangerous right now, and where I should start to feel better. I just hope this passes quickly. If not I will call my T before I leave work

Keep us updated on how you're feeling, Elphanigh. You are deeply cared for here.

Thank you Three roses. I will keep you updated. I am struggling, but am finally eating. Have found that work is helpful, it is distracting me and I can suck in the good energies from people around me.

I am still struggling, and it will be a battle but I don't feel like it as much as I did a few hours ago. I am still very aware of what I have at home that could numb me, but it dissipates because I am around people

It has been a very long time since I felt like this last. It  has just thrown me for a loop, and made me hate my own demons more than I already do. I will post in here as I can. I thought about posting in having a rough day just to get some much needed love and kind words.. but I can't bring myself to ask that much and risk triggering people. I have to populate the good things by myself. Reaffirm that I deserve to be around

You most certainly do deserve to be around! You are a vital member of this forum and I've learned a lot from your posts, and found comfort in them.

More hugs to you, until you can believe you deserve them.

Thank you. I will try to live in the comfort of those hugs. It is great to hear that  you have learned and found comfort in things I post. I will get to that belief again. I have always come back from these days,  I have a good track record as I am still here.

I needed those words, and even more those hugs. I am just hurting and aching. My poor inner child is terrified and wants to run. Adult me feels that too. I am just tired and worn out. I need that warmth and caring. I don't have enough of it, and am not capable enough of generating it on my own

Do you mind if I stay in those hugs today?

All day if you want, and all tomorrow too ♡♡♡♡♡♡

I love that thank you. I needed that a lot :hug:

I am feeling stronger than I was. It got worse this morning, and has started to bounce back with some help. It is by no means great, and I am by no means okay.. but I am better than I was. There is movement in a good direction instead of me falling farther into my fear and need to run.

I am stronger than this demon of mine. There is more to me than the bad things my memories hold. I have to believe I am more than just a combination of one bad event after another. I am the small bits of light that I kept in my heart.. the kindness I try to see in everyone and to give everyone. I am not just my demons.. I am not just bad.I not a problem child. I am a mix of so much, but I am all that I did to survive not what was done to me.. I am the kindness I show.. not the monster someone is making me out to be

I am not in charge of how someone reacts when I have to make a decision for my well being. That is a reflection on themselves not me. I can't control their anger or inability to be compassionate when I needed it the most

dang, i had written a whole reply, and the keyboard jumped it into oblivion.  i hate it when that happens.

i'd like to join 3 roses in giving you warm hugs filled with love and caring.  you don't have to be perfect to warrant those - those are given freely to someone who absolutely is more than any demon.  you demonstrated that and more.  not so long ago, i was writing your exact same words - i was weary to the bone of the battle all my life, exhausted, ready to lie down and stay there.

but, something made me get up again, just as it has with you.  you have a light to shine on the world, sweetie.  you haven't quite reached the switch yet, but you're on your way.  you were in a trough, but pretty soon you'll catch a wave and hang ten again.  that's all this is, troughs and waves.  we ride them out cuz that's what we do, it's what we've always done.

pppbbbbbbbch!!! (that's supposed to be giving the raspberry) to all those demons who hang around, trying to de-feet us.  nay nay, i say!  we've got kindness, caring, and love on our side.  can't beat them.  love and hugs always, sweetie.

Thank you San. you always have the right words. Even when your keyboard goes crazy and you have to start over. I am coming back around but reaching okay is going to take a while. I know that had I not called a friend during lunch I would probably not be here right now to type this. It is hard to jump back from knowing that I wanted so badly to stop feeling.. and that I am so capable of having my mind reach that place..

Progress, I did just toss out any med that I had that I am not currently taking. I had a few bottles of Prazosin and a couple bottles of strong pain killers... I flushed them for good measure.. symbolic I guess. I had to get rid of what I would have taken.. It made me sad almost for a second, but I realize I am stronger than what you called this trough. So I did it to keep myself safe if I got back to that state. I know recovering from that is hard.. I have been here before, someone saved me then too. It seems I am worth saving

I am glad you see the light that I have to shine. I am trying to believe I have that, it is hard sometimes. Especially days like today, when my demons take over... when I just want to stop fighting and be done...

Processing the emotions that are starting to come as a result of this will be hard. I am struggling with it as they slowly start to hit me. It makes me sad, and is this huge ache.. like I can go from monday feeling on top of the world to Wednesday truly believing I want to take pills and be done.. I hate it.. I am trying to hard to be stable.. to be better.. to be that light that everyone seems to see in me. One I am still searching for.

I just want to curl up and cry... lay in someones arms and collapse for a bit..To let out all the pain so I can start over tomorrow... I don't get that though. I don't have anyone for that anymore. I won't have anyone physically here for that for at least another month.. I am such a physically affectionate person that this is truly causing me great pain... My inner child needs to feel sheltered and warm again.. so the rest of me can deal with the last 24 hours..

Sorry that was long.. that whole heart pouring thing is starting to happen

you don't need to apologize.  we all have to pour it out sometimes.  this is your place, your space.  we're here for you, not expecting anything in return, certainly not apologies for doing what's important for you.

kudos to you for flushing the pills.  that not only took guts, it took a will to keep going no matter how deep the trough may seem.  i wish you had those arms you so long for.  i only have cyber arms to gather you in, like the embrace of angel wings.   maybe it was an angel who helped you dial that number. 

take the time you need.  this isn't a race, you don't have to jump right back to anything.  it's also your pace.  i guess you are worth saving, slowly but surely.  love and hugs, always.   

Thank you for all of that. Reading that as I tried to sleep was really helpful. It gave me some hope.
I do apologize for everything out of habit, I will work on that here. It is a safe place that doesn't expect anything of me, which you so wonderfully pointed out.

It was great validation for you to see the strength and will to live in my flushing them. I kept that virtual hug with me all night. It helped me sleep. I am glad for whatever made me dial that number, an angel is a really good thought.

I will take the time I need. Rest is needed first. I got s decent amount of sleep, but feel exhausted.

Love and hugs to you too  :hug:

Got to work this morning. I am up and around which is great. However, I can feel the left over exhaustion from yesterday. I fought harder than I have in a while, I am glad I did. Now I have to bounce back from it. My energy level certainly has taken an obvious toll, so I will sleep more the second I get the chance.

My emotions are still scattered,  but more stable. I will do a lot eventually to make sure yesterday never gets repeated but for now rest. I think I deserve that kindness from myself for a day or two. I can start the true work on it, when I have caught my body back up to speed. A few day vacation is just what I need. Thank goodness I already have one of those planned starting Sunday

Elphanigh --

Good for you for flushing the pills! Such a huge step. I still haven't been able to do that. I have a huge stash that I've been hording, probably for years. I'm not in a place I'll use them, but they make me feel better for being there. Stupid, I know.

I'm so glad you're still here. I know exactly what you mean about wishing you could curl up in someone's arms. I posted about that loneliness somewhere else on the board. (Who knows where.) I haven't had a relationship in eleven years. Not so much as held someone's hand. As someone who is also a very physically touchy person, I totally feel you on how painful it is to get through all this without it. Sometimes, it feels impossible. I hope you can get some touch-therapy very soon.

Rest up. You definitely need it, deserve it, and have earned it. Good for you for picking up the phone.

:hug:

Asyouwish,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. It isn't stupid to have them. I obviously held onto mine for a long time too. It is hard to let them go, believe me it was truly difficult for me to do that last night. I finally saw the need and desire to get rid of them though.  One day you will be able to get rid of them, take your own time. I am glad you aren't in a place you would use them. It finally hit me last night just how bad I had gotten and that I didn't want to have something in my possession that could put me in that much danger again. I found a moment of will to live in me. Probably the strongest moment I had in the whole thing I guess.

I have two relationships, but don't have that at the moment. Long distance problems (and she is currently mad at me), the other is brand new and still working on getting to a level I feel like I can do that. It is real casual so it is different I guess with her than the one that is currently angry at me. I hope I get the touch therapy too.. my warm blankets and such only do so much. I am so glad to hear someone else is like that. I haven't met anyone that has said that they are.

I am thankful I picked up the phone. I will definitely rest. I am at work right now, but am mentally planning a self-care kind of night

well, may i jump in on this touch therapy wagon?  i hug people as often as possible - that's how i get my touch.  once a woman came up to me in the store, said that she loved what i was wearing, and i just blurted out 'i love you!' and gave her a big hug.  she looked a little surprised, but hugged me back.   that's a fun memory for me.

i hope it doesn't take long before either of you get some touch on a regular basis into your lives.  cyber hugs are all i can offer to you here, but big ones for both of you.

You can definitely get on the wagon. I am just so glad it isn't just me who does this. Thank you for the cybe hugs, they are always welcome and amazing. I hope we both get good sources of it soon too

Well I finally have a bed in my apartment. After two weeks of sleeping on a big group of blankets on the floor it is heavenly. However, I over slept.... So my boss is giving me the silent treatment... how nice of her. I really need a new job, one with a boss that doesn't dislike me. If I ever did leave and they wanted a recommendation from here I would be in trouble though...  I was less than 10 minutes late and I am still on the top of her list of people to dislike...

She is frustrating and triggers a lot of fear, self-doubt, and just general chaos in my brain

Lost my Great Grandpa today. It is really hard to do so..I grew up with him. Being where he lived was a safe place for me. I have so many fond memories...  I won't be able to be at the services or around my family to help everyone.

It just brings me to my childhood, and is like losing the last safe place I had there. No one else that is alive lives in a place that I was safe...

Please...words won't help much in the loss of your one true place of safety...I'll offer this heartfelt hug, sad it's all I can do but hopeful it might provide some temporary solace, just to know that your friends here are with you:  :hug:  :bighug:  :hug:

Thank you for the hugs. They really do help, I am feeling less sad this morning. I know it has been years since I was in any physical danger by being home and at the other places my family lives... but losing that space that was one of very few that I was safe is hard. My inner child just kind of weeps...

o, sweetie, i'm sorry doesn't quite cover it, but i really am.  to lose someone who represented something so powerfully positive is a profound loss.  i'm glad you're feeling better today.  i believe he will always be with you, if that's any comfort.  big hug to you,

Thank you, dear friend. I am struggling with it tonight. I meet up with some of my family for our little four day vacation in Vegas tomorrow. No one else is going to be taking this loss so hard.. and with me realizing how much damage my mom did..l this is going to be a challenge.

I miss him... and I am going to miss that place. I hadn't been but I think it was something I held onto as a light in the darkness. Now that it is gone.. I just feel kind of stuck in the dark.. my poor inner child is so uncertain and scared... losing that safe person, that last safe place...

I was never safe at home.. but his house I was. They even treated me well when I had nightmares... it was the only place I didn't have to hide that I had them. I miss that.. I miss that safety net.. and everything he stood for.

Life's has been such a whirlwind lately.. and I can't explain how lost I have felt.. and scared.. this loss comes at a perfect time to keep me spinning..l keep me feeling lost

With Sara angry and not talking to me.... and my recent bout of suicidal ideation... and my parents coming to light... etc.. I feel lost and in the dark,

Back at home from vacation, and back at work this morning. Vacation was good, although a lot of stressful things have happened. I am hoping to update here a bit more but here is a small glance.

Great Grandpa's funeral was yesterday, and the burial is today (I am unable to be at either)
My mom's heart problems are terrifying. She does not let on just how bad they are until I see her. It is hard to know I may lose her soon too. If the medicine doesn't start working she will suffer a heart attack.. there is no surgical option that can help her..
My lifeline at work got fired. I needed her here so I am learning to be without her.

I learned a lot in my stressed state last night. I mean I have known these things on some level but it reaffirmed them for me.

*Trigger Warning*

1. I am afraid of my anger because I don't want to be like my mom who used to yell and scream, and then even hit us. I don't want to be like my first abuser who used to shove me around, and got violent when she was mad. I don't want to be like my second abuser, who hurt others when he was angry at me, or shoved me around. I don't want to be like the guys I remember who would rape me in groups back to back.. When they were angry I got hurt and yelled at more, it was rougher and more painful.

2. I am scared to be scared because it meant I was vulnerable to their words. It meant I felt the hurt from the abuse more, that I absorbed their words and actions more. If I could be less scared I hurt less. It also meant that I never spoke up.. I am afraid to be scared because it caused so much pain

3. I am afraid to grieve because when I was younger grieving deaths of family members and friends left me vulnerable. I also got made fun of by my abuser for being weak... He used to try to toughen me up.

4. I can count on one hand the number of places I was safe in my childhood. It doesn't even begin to take the whole hand to count either..

5. I was the protector and always will be. Even when I am trying to help myself I am doing so by not letting myself hurt others in the sense that I close off to not cause any pain

There is more but for now that is all I can do. I see my T today and feel like I might just explode on her...  :fallingbricks:

*trigger warning*


So my session with my T is in about 3 hours. I am a little worried about it but also really glad to have it today. A ton has been going on since I have seen her last.. I mean the suicidal episode, family death, my trip, dating a new girl, Sara being difficult, my mom's health, my own health... The fact I am tired all the time and can't seem to wake up with my alarm anymore.

Processing the fact that there was other types of abuse is so difficult. Having to accept not just the sexual abuse I endured.. I was so blind to the other types because my sexual abuse was so consuming and terrible.. I was raped multiple times daily, by multiple people.. sometimes more violent than others... little did I see the emotional abuse, or verbal, physical abuse from my family... because My family were the kind ones to me... their emotional and physically abusive tendencies were kind in comparison so I didn't see it.. I didn't let myself see it.

Having to recognize that people I have dated and some friends were also abusive to me... the fact that one of my college professors was a narcissist that was abusive to me.. it is hard.

*end trigger warning*

No wonder when someone is kind to me I am always suspicious.. or don't believe that it is real. I was never given that kindness as a kid, even from people I thought were being kind... they truly weren't treating me well, it was just better than how other people were treating me. I have a hard time coming to terms I was never shown the kindness I deserved. That I can think of two places I was ever truly safe as a kid.. and they were not places I got to go to very often...

This phase a realization has been a lot to take in recently. On top of all my other troubles right now... I will get there,  but goodness I wish sometimes that I had grown up to know more kindness from people. Maybe my lack of experiencing led me to be this kind person now though.. and I wouldn't change that part of me for anything...

i hear ya, elphanigh.  i continually grieve the lack of kindness i've received, and burst into tears when i do receive it.  it seems overwhelming, even the smallest bit.  i can't tell you how many times i've cried after reading a kindness someone has offered me on this forum.

i hate the fact that you had to endure all that, sweetie.  i can understand how a lack of the violent abuse could seem like a kindness.  you're showing so much courage and strength in letting this out.  big hug to you.

Thank you so much. I am sorry that you too had that lack of kindness, but am ever grateful for all the understanding you show me. I am trying to be strong in getting it all out... having to call abuse, abuse is hard some times. I let a lot out to my T today which was truly good. It was hard but I was finally able to let out that my family gave me so much responsibility and put the weight of the world on me... even if unintentionally it wasn't right. I was responisble for everyone's well being, mental health, some money, the housekeeping of the house, and just to keep everyone from fighting. Was responsible for both my parents and my siblings feelings and all of the above. For a young child that is entirely too much...I got punished for slip ups or minor mistakes.. so I was always on edge.. then put it with the extensive, horrific, violent abuse I was getting outside the home.. and well somehow you get me.

With my mom being truly sick right now I am struggling with this... They can't operate on her because of where the clot is... so if her medicine doesn't start working... she will suffer a heart attack which will almost definitely kill her... there is nothing else they can do short of a transplant... so we wait and home the medicine works... I feel bad recognizing all of her unhealthy behaviors... the suicide threats my dad helped with... the way she treated me the only time I tried for help... the way she treated my anxiety symptoms when she herself was a psych ward nurse... She needed me to be perfect.

Sorry rant done.. There is a lot in my heart right now but it is 2a.m. and I must try to sleeop

no apologies necessary.  i'm just glad you have a place to put all this crapola, elphanigh.

struggles because of parents.  i, personally, don't think there's any shame in speaking the truth no matter what their health is.  we need to get the gunk out for our own health and sanity - we can't control whether they're going to be healthy enough.  besides, healthy enough for what?  it's not like you're standing over her in her sickbed, ranting in her face.

i used to feel guilty about talking about my ex, what he's done because it felt like i was sharing his secrets that he'd given me in confidence.  eventually, i  got over that.  i was abused by what he'd done, even if it was sensitive in nature, and part of my road to recovery was getting rid of the poison inside me.  we all need that support for the tough times in our lives.  it's not us who did wrong.

best to you with this situation.  it's never easy.  i have no doubt you'll do what's best for you.  love and hugs.

Thank you dear. You are so good to me. Apologizing is a force of habit, I am working on.

She is thankfully not in a sick bed, she can move around but the heart clot will act up suddenly when it gets truly bad. It is a great mystery

It is so helpful to have your wisdom, and caring. I finally cried tonight... it has been a long time. I think I have been trying to be strong way too long.. it finally built up in my body and I just cried... for a long time. I needed it.

Hey --

I don't have anything to say, just that I'm reading and I hear you. I relate to the lack of kindness thing. I've worked where I am for seven years now and I'm still not used to the kindness they show me.

Big hugs.  :hug:

You're doing great. Congratulations on having a cry. Sometimes that's a really big step.

Edited to add: I love, love, love your signature quote. I don't know if you had it before and I never noticed, but it's fantastic.

Thank you for letting me know you are reading this. It means a lot to me, that people take the time to do that.  :hug: :hug:

It felt like a good step, I really needed it out I guess.

I am glad you love the quote. I added it a day or two ago. It is part of a poem I randomly stumbled upon, on a rough day. It really resonated with everything I needed to be reminded of.

those tears can be some of the most caring things we do for ourselves, letting out the poison, the tension, the stress of trying to do it all.  i'm glad for you that you let them come.  well done.  big hug, sweetie. 

Thank you for that. It happened again yesterday.. I am on such a roller coaster right now. I am just wishing to feel stable. Even for a few days. I was doing so well yesterday, and got thrown into another spiral. I can't seem to keep anything good for long right now, it is so easy to send me spinning.

I wish for a few days of stability, for just a minute of peace. I wish that I could not be thrown for a loop so easily, that the universe would stop hanging me more to struggle with. I wish it would realize that I can't handle all of this.. that it is trying to crush me, and I just need a bit of air. I wish that I could focus on things like my grad school paper and healing... those thigns are for me, but instead I just have to focus on surviving each day..

I had to sleep last night because I would have been dangerous to myself if I hadn't/ This after I had gotten to destress with a friend and some movies.. This roller coaster is so exhausting and I just want it to pause for just a little while.. to let me catch my breathe.

For me not to have to feel like I am hurting someone, disappointing some, that people are not trying to think for me for once. To feel like I can think in peace for a few moments.. to not have to worry about where food is going to come from.. or which bill isn't getting paid because I am human and have to eat.. I want to not have to be working so much.. it is exhausting what little I have left.

I want my person back... the one that could be strong for me when I couldn't be.. that would hold me until I could get my strength back and remind me I will be okay.

 :hug:

 :hug: Thank you Three Roses, the hug means more than any words right now

I have worked with numbers, and paperwork today. Having the solid, not confusing, factual grounding that is in that is phenomenal sometimes.  I haven't had to socialize much, and haven't had to please people per say. I feel more grounded and more myself at this point. So now, I need to look at why I am roller coastering.. why I am in this pattern so I can keep out of it, or at least shorten recovery periods between lows at the moment.

1. Overwhelmed with the mix of emotions towards my mom. She has a blood clot that may kill her, and I am terrified to lose her. I love her dearly and I  know how quickly things can go from being mediocre to being super life threatening. I also have had to recognize in the last month how abusive my family was, her especially. She was emotionally/physically/mentally abusive to me, and still can be if I am not carefully drawing boundaries. It is truly hard to accept that my parents were also abusive to me, I thought they were loving and wonderful for  the longest time. I was looking past the abuse to help me survive. However I have to be able to call the abuse, abuse to more on.

2. I lost the last family member with a safe place. I had so few, losing a symbol of that has spun me around.. I feel lost.. my inner child is so scared and alone.

3. I lost my person... the person that was strong when I couldn't be. Things are tense there, and it is hard to fix. I am worried it won't get fixed. So I feel more alone.. and have to be strong every minute of every day. I hurt

*trigger warning*
4. I am coming to know the name of what happened to me as part of my abuse... I was traded by one of my abusers.. he traded me to other guys, or groups of guys who raped me.  He got various things out of that.. money, items, games etc.. He also got to watch and egg them on. I was sold for so little to other people by him... that is exploitation.. I have to come to terms with that word. I know I was but I have to come to terms that I was sold.. that my body was sold.. I was just given to people sometimes too.. just to watch me get hurt.. or because I had been bad.. It hurts to sit with that more fully.

*end trigger warning*

5. Finances.. I was used for finances and was always way too aware as a small child what out financial situation was as a family. I helped pay for things, and was used to help watch other peoples kids and never saw any money for it but my parents did. My finances tanking has really hit hard because of the reminders... I mean them tanking is stressful and terrifying in itself.

6. Job, I feel the same pressure from one of my bosses back and forth attitude toward me the way I did when my abusers were back and forth. It drives me nuts and has me on edge all the time.

7. Everyone is trying to think for me.. or has an opinion on my love life,,, and life in general it is difficult.

8. Things like grad school, and reading have been put on the background just so I can survive and manage everything being through at me. Those things are things I want to do, that I am excited about and am doing for myself.. that is what is suffering.

9. I feel like I am not enough. even if Sara swears she isn't choosing him over me, I feel like that is the case. I can't help sometimes but feel like I am not enough. I can sometimes remember her truth, and my own worth but in all this stress it is hard to remember my worth.

that was long, but a listed out version of what is going on is helpful. :fallingbricks:

i'm really glad you found that helpful, even with all the horrors involved.  again, your strength and courage are shining through, even if you can't see them.   

you are an amazing person, elphanigh.  sending angel wings to embrace you and give you a moment of peace and rest.  they will be there for you whenever you need them.    love and hugs to you from someone who admires your determination. 

Thank you for reminding me it is shining through. It is always good to hear from someone who I admire so much. Your strength is something I admire on a regular basis.

I love the angel wings, it is such a great image and helps me breathe. Thank you for admiring my determination and for all the love you give me.  :hug:

I am doing better today, as I have said it is a roller coaster. Today is an up day, but I fought and worked hard to get to this up day. I have a goal, well a small step to a goal. Major goal being self talk, and self compassion.

I realized what I say to myself when I am spiraling, when I struggle to get back up. There is a lot, but I realize one of the most poisonous is that I am broken, and I need to be fixed. That language is poisonous to me and probably helps keep me down longer. I want to instead recognize that I am a human that has been hurt, and injured in ways that can't be seen. I am a person that wants and can heal, not a thing that is broken that has to be fixed.

So from now on I work on that language to myself.

I am a human that wants to and can be healed. I am a person that was hurt, not a thing that is broken. I do not have to be fixed, because I am not broken. I am going to choose to heal because I want to grow and learn, not because there is something inherently wrong with me.

QuoteI am a human that wants to and can be healed. I am a person that was hurt, not a thing that is broken. I do not have to be fixed, because I am not broken. I am going to choose to heal because I want to grow and learn, not because there is something inherently wrong with me.

LOVE this. :D

Thank you Three roses. It makes me feel good to read it again. I want to believe that of myself, and truly think that simple phrasing will make sure a difference for me.  I need to pair it down to something I can easily say to myself, and have written somewhere for a reminder.

When I am having difficulty with a concept or whatever, and I feel the need to keep a reminder with me, I usually carry something with me in my pocket for that day. I have several stones which are symbolic to me, and when they're in my pocket I will feel them from time to time, sometimes accidentally, and be reminded of a truth I want to incorporate into my life. I also want to do this with more tattoos. You're awesome. Thanks for being here.

That's a great idea, Three Roses. Thanks! I have some things at home that I could probably use. I too want to do it with more tattoos, I have two that I really want to get (have to get the cash). I already have two that mean things, but not recovery things. I wasn't where I could do that yet when I got them. You are amazing as well  :hug:

great statements, elphanigh.  i love how you're finding more and more what's helpful for you.  beautiful, just like you.   big hug.

Thank you. I am coming to myself slowly. I am trying to accept everything and learn. I thought I was through the whole accepting phase several years ago, but I have more truth to accept. Both about my abuse and myself. Finding things like that to help clear the poison and accept my truth are going to be slow but vital I think

I think my journey to being healthy is going to be a long one, but I can see some short term progress, and goals that will enable me to be able to succeed in grad school, and function more how I want to.

I am seeing progress in myself this morning. Realizing that I am more aware of my own thoughts, and what I need to do. I am more cognizant of what it is that I do that is unhealthy or that might be wise to reform a bit. I know I am a good, kind person that has done a lot in life. I don't need to change who I am as much as just to help grow some areas that got neglected, or things that I used as negatives that can be turned into positives.

I am coming to accept things as they were. Calling my family abusive, and recognizing that I was traded and can call it that.

Being healthy for me is going to mean being aware more, and accepting more.  Knowing the mass of what happened to me, and accepting it in pieces, then as a whole. It is hard to accept that much cruelty as a whole, but I know I don't have to be there yet. I can accept the pieces of the puzzle first and go from there.  I can see my own strength and can feel wiser this morning. I  have been through more than any human ever should (as have we all) and have come through such a long list of abuse, some of it horrific, and I am still standing. I can still love and be kind unlike anything I was ever taught. Somehow I saved myself, no one else did. I had to save me, and somehow I managed to save so much of what was good in me. Even when I couldn't see that it existed.

I made it this far mostly on my own, and now I have help. I have this forum, I have people in my life outside of here as well. I have books and resources now that I didn't have. I am grateful for everyone that I do have, that accepts my story as my truth. Doesn't think I would fabricate any of it.. no matter how much there is to it.

This is just a journal entry to jot down what is in my  head. I am in a pretty intense stage of my journey so the highs and lows are really rough right now. Turbulent would be a good word for life right now. It looks like it is doing me some good though, that I am coming more into myself. That some more positive beliefs, or at very least some awareness is coming from this

you go!  this sounds so positive and strong.  coming more into yourself is a goal for many of us, and it's a beauty.  you got this!   big hug!

Thank you, this was positive! I am brave and myself today. For the first time in a month or so I actually feel like myself. It isn't the best feeling. I am going after what's I need, and still managing to live my life.

I actually just got back from a date. So I am happy and should get some sleep before a long day at work tomorrow.

Thank you for your endless support and love. It has helped me so much! This forum has been so healing for me, and you in particular have truly come to contribute to that. On both my good and bad days you are always her. Thank you so much my dear friend.  :hug:

Last night was a set back, and it is testing my ability to not self-blame. Blaming myself gives me the sense of control, but I know blaming myself is poisonous and wrong. I was responsible and tried to be safe.. I did everything I could have. Some how my drink still got spiked.. some how I ended up almost blacked out.. with very little memory of my night.. I know enough to draw the conclusion that nothing happened. There wasn't enough time between the phone calls I made and when someone got me for anything to have happened... Thank goodness for survival instincts.. even when I am nearing blackout.. adrenaline and instinct saved me

I know I can save myself at least for a part of the night... but it is so terrifying to not truly remember most of my night... I hurt so much today (I assume from the beach volley ball I was playing).. and I just feel unsafe and violated.. no one did anything because I got to a safe place by my own will power... but being drugged is a terrifying feeling.. so unsafe.. had I not figured out that my locked car with music on was my best bet.. I probably would have gotten hurt.. among the crowd that had come in from the storm.. near the guy that I can best tell would have been the one to poor my beer...

It has set me back a bit.. I have to spend the time processing and trying to feel safe. Trying to comfort my inner child.. and the adult me that is rightfully freaked out as well.

I have found my strength again today. The triggers are starting to subside, and I am starting to feel more like myself. Thursday night was terrifying but I am stronger than letting it get me for two long. Nothing happened, and for that I thank my survival instincts. I made the rigth decisions even in the state that I was in. I am thankful sometimes that I have learned the things I have. Well, at least that I can use them and avoid more hurt.

It will take me a while to feel safe, but I have become so much better at self-care. I can give myself good encouragement for that. Previously this would have knocked me back so much farther.. but now I can ground myself, and I know when to practice strong self-care. I did all the things my body, and mind needed to start to feel better. This horrible thing shows me that I am improving. I wish it hadn't happened but there is a good light in all the chaos.

As I am feeling more like myself, I am determined to not be afraid. Being in constant fear is no way to live, I did all that I could and can't blame myself for it. Also not everyone in the world is like that, I have been there many times, and have gone many places where servers bring drinks and never had that happen. I will be careful if I ever go back (I want to, it was a fun place for me. I could be myself.. so I am determined to face that place) I am going to do EMDR on it on Tuesday with my T. She is curious as to if it was me dissociating, rather than someone drugging me. Although it doesn't sound completely like dissociation.. not in my experience but she asked. No judgement just wanting to get a good idea of what happened.

I don't think it was dissociation.. I have never dissociated to where I didn't remember much of anything. That was never something that has happened unless I was having a "normal  flashback" I get EFs but I normally remember things and know what is going on. Although it is hard to call it an EF until I am out of it and realize it. But I don't lose my memory.. Not except for the fact I know there are gaps in memory about my childhood.. but I was little then.. That makes sense. There was no danger or threat bad enough for me to dissociate like that.. and when I finally got a safe person, I knew who and where exactly I was.

Either way the EMDR will hopefully help me re-frame some thoughts on that place, so I can go back and not just be terribly triggered.

I have also decided to write my story for OOTS. It is going to be a good challenge.  I am glad to be able to contribute to this wonderful place. If writing my story could help others to heal, and give some younger people more hope and reason to start rather than put it off, I would be forever grateful. So I have a project.

you are amazing!  such strength, courage, and that warrior spirit shining thru.  you'll beat this.

and, of course you felt violated - you were.  that was a violation of your trust.  keep going, elphanigh.  you're doing so well.  big hug, sweetie.

Thank you, dear. I really appreciate every time you point out my strength and courage. It reminds me that I do have a warrior inside me.

Always love your hugs  :hug: :hug:

I got triggered last night around a girl I am dating... it is the first time she has had to deal with it. Being who I am, I went into care taker mode... I cared for her fears of it, and tried to reassure her of everything and that it wasn't her fault. I am paying for that decision today, because instead of processing the trigger last night I buried it in me to care for her. So it is this giant pit in my stomach this morning, and makes me want to run from everyone.

I have therapy tonight, and I am not sure what to focus on anymore. The triggers from Thursday were pretty terrifying.. last night is bugging me because she kisses like one of my abusers, my other half that I am also kind of still dating has gone radio silent. I need to leave her but I know I break my own heart the second I do that. I know that I have tried twice and failed to leave her. I also know I love her.. there is something different about her. I also miss the fact she understood my triggers.. I never had to care for her when they happened  because she was naturally good with them. She didn't run or need too much confirmation. I never had to care for her in that situation.. she understood. I miss that a lot. I miss that she was strong when I couldn't be, she recognized my child mode or when I was slightly triggered and I hadn't recognized it yet.

Either way therapy is bound to be a big one today. Work pressure is so big lately... I am burying myself  in it today. It seems to be the only thing that makes sense right now. I want to run but I can't because I have people counting on me..

good luck with your session - i hope it goes well.  i think as you continue to let all this stuff out, you will find what you need.  right beside you, sweetie.   big hug.

It did go really well. I worked through Thursday night and I could focus on that one incident instead of getting overwhelmed and washed away by emotions.  It was really empowering to start being able to do emdr and control it to the extent it isn't dangerous, but let myself cry as I needed too. My T is phenomenal and is doing it in short sections of letting me sit with the image or thought instead of longer time periods in my own head. They got longer as it got more clear I could handle it. She is a wonderful reassuring person.

She reminded me of my own strength as well

There is so much strength and light in my posts recently, I can feel and see it. There is a sense of the person I am becoming in them, and in my right now. However, it is mixed with this background ache. For the loss of someone so important. Sara helped me decide to go to therapy again, because I knew she would be there to help me through the tough days. She was always there in those moments... for every flashback, or emotional day. Never perfect but she could be strong when I couldn't be. I have to do all of that on my own now.

In therapy yesterday my T told me that I had all of that in me, that my strength just kind of oozes. To the extent that my reaction is not freeze or fawn etc.. it is survival. My normal setting is survival, because of my strength. I can see truth in that, in the way I handle literally everything in my life. She also assured me that now that I  have had a person that did that for me, that I could pull from those feelings and grant myself that kind of comfort and strength. I am not convinced but I will need to try. Her reassurance was that I did so well to take care of myself on my own for so many years. I mentioned thinking I had done terribly at it before, and she pointed out all the ways I cared for myself and saved myself. I could see and feel the strength in myself for once.

This loss hurts, and will for a while I think. She still hasn't ended the radio silence so we just aren't talking. She doesn't know but I think after so many days of silence from me she will know. It is not unlike her to disappear, but it is certainly unlike me. It hurts for someone that cares so much for me normally to have made such a switch over the last few months. It hurts to lose my safety  net. But I will  be okay again. I always am.

On a positive note, I have actually been doing and reading my research. It is so great! Somehow I have finally had the mental energy for it about 3 days in a row now. Will really strive to continue that. I see grad school ahead of me and will shoot for that future. The life that I want so much to lead. That I have worked through so much to achieve. Getting her was not an easy feat. I could  have hid in the abuse and sunk.. never come out of it.. but I did the opposite. I did the perfect grades, super involved, and went and got a great education to start with. I am capable of the next step to the life I have put in front of myself. I just have to keep focused and keeping working hard.

I will get to healthy, and I will get to have that life as well. I am a fighter with all the strength and determination of a true warrior. I may feel this ache, and I will have my difficulties with it, but it will free me to a new stage. I can get a new level of recovery tackled.

I am so strong.. I have put myself through so much, and got myself through so much in my life. Truly I shouldn't have made it through, the fact that I did and am doing things like high level education etc is an accomplishment. How is it then, that one person can make me feel so weak? That one person can make it so hard to control my emotions. I am normally so careful about when I share or show them.. so calculated in sharing them, and only truly feeling them in places I am alone or in places I can fully trust. I am decisive and goal driven... How can one person hit my heart strings so hard that despite my calculated and goal driven personality can be so hurt... so madly in love with that I ache so much... someone that there is hurt on both sides..  but that no matter what I know I need to do there will always be a part of me that wants her... How can someone be like superman's kryptonite to me? (watching too much supergirl.. sorry not sorry)

She understood my abuse, helped lead me to feel like I was strong enough to deal with it. She was there for my memories, and for the moments where I was scared. I read people so well, it is trained from so many years... and I do really well to choose safe good caring humans to be my people. I learned.. I can read the love in her... if nothing else in the hurt she feels because I pulled away.. in her eyes.. and how she treated me when things were good.

She brought me to my recovery.. she was part of the reason I started.. because I finally had a stable foundation, I had someone that could help me through triggers and that believed in me. That could hear the worst of my past and look at me with nothing but love and compassion. She was my partner, and a good one.

I don't understand how we have managed to hurt each other so much.. to have drifted so far from what once was.

I hate that my heart is so large sometimes. I know my ability to care and to love... to have such deep compassion and feelings makes me special in some ways. It makes me different. It makes the joys bigger, but the lows lower as well. But it helps me care and love everyone.. It helped me to protect and care for everyone when I was so little. It helped me keep my goals in front of me and a love for life despite everything.

I love my heart for some of the things it can do, but I hate it for the same reasons. It makes me so strong most times, but it makes me so weak as well.

is it really a weakness, to love so deeply, profoundly?  or a gift that not everyone shares.  yes, when we love like that, the pain will be worse if things go wrong than for someone who loves superficially.  but they will never know that level of compassion or empathy that is second nature to some of us.

i think your strength firmly overshadows any weakness you might feel because you love the way you do.  i don't see you as being weak for wanting what you had at one time.  loving and being loved is the highest thing we do as humans, don't you think?   it's the best feeling ever, to my mind.  why wouldn't i want that all the time, long for it, yearn for it at times.

unfortunately, the reality is that loss is also in this mix in one way or another.  still, i truly think that to be able to love, to take the chance that loss may happen and the pain that comes with it, is worth it.  i couldn't not love, wouldn't want to, and have survived many painful losses.   but, i absolutely would not give up loving with all my heart, and i will always look for more opportunities.  i don't see that as weak, but maybe it's just me putting my own spin on it.  peace to you, sweetie, and a big hug as well, filled with love.

Thank you for putting your spin on it. I do recognize it as a strength and something that I should be glad I can do. I am glad for it sometimes, I just wasn't yesterday. I was feeling all the pain from the last like three weeks all at once.. from my old relationship, to the loss of my grandfather, to my parents possible divorce, my mom being sick, all the memories that came flooding back, to the suicidal bout I dealt with...

I guess I hadn't truly felt them and it felt like breaking.. it felt like my heart was the enemy that was going to break me in pieces.

I really love how you look at it, and I know I wouldn't change how I love. It can be so good, and I have met so m any amazing people and kept them in my life because I can do that.

I have my first day off in over two weeks tomorrow. I haven't had a day off from work since the 4th. So it should help bring me a bit of peace. I just need to get through today

i guess i didn't realize, either, that you were feeling all those losses at once. yeah, that can be overwhelming, for sure.  no wonder you felt weak - you were holding a burden that was so very huge, it was crumbling you.

enjoy your day off tomorrow.  i don't doubt it will help.  big hug, you sweet and loving soul.

San it is okay you didn't realize it. I didn't when I first typed that journal entry. It took some time with my thoughts and tears to realize I was just crumbling because of everything. That I hadn't let myself feel the burden that was on me... It is a survival mode thing for me. I can pick up and do everything I need to do, put myself together and not feel it in the ways that eventually have to happen. I don't feel the sadness at first. It is an instinctual reaction when I have so much going on. I recognize the stressors and things get rough but to an extent I can function, keep moving, and doing everything that I have to.

My T said that my natural reaction is survival. That is my go to mode. She is interested that it is not a flight/freeze/fawn etc... it is truly just survival. I can look at it, say this and this need done, no matter what it hurts this is what I need to survive and function. It does that until I am in a safe place (normally weeks, or months down the road..) when my body just  can't hold onto it all. I eventually end up taking a night to breathe and end up falling apart. Which is what happened last night.


I just didn't realize immediately what it was that was making me feel so weak. It was everything, not just her

The day off will be great. I have brunch with friends, then I can take time in the library and such. It will be great  :hug:

I feel like so much happens in three days. I  have been reading but not posting. I wrote my story for Kizzie to use on the board. That was a huge step. I am actually kind of nervous about the reactions to it.  I am so glad to share and to help if I can, but it is a big step to share that publicly for me. It is like putting the worst of me out there, and hoping for good reactions.

I have been feeling so loved by this girl I have been seeing but I realize I am terrified to hurt her.. To do something wrong sexually that it hurts her.. She is new and it worries me. She triggered me once because she kisses mildly like one of my abusers, but that has seemed to recede a bit. I feel better about that and don't feel triggered since. However I realize emotionally.. I can't do things I know she wants to badly because I am scared to hurt her.

I think that goes back to things as a kid.. to hurting my sister.. to my female abuser that I am so terrified to be like... to the damage that females caused me. Which were as bad if not worse some days that what the multiple males put me through. Eventually I will need to get past this boundary.. and I feel so bad that I have it.. I mean it doesn't help I feel guilty because the other relationship  I am still technically in but not in the same country. I mean they know about each other, and I have always been allowed to date outside of the original relationship if I wanted to.. I just neve rhave.. and not being on talking terms with the original one is really hard because this should be being talked about more.. and I am trying but failing at getting that to happen.

I hate not knowing how to feel. Also I hate having to explain the abuse and the symptoms as they come up to someone new... to someone that doesn't understand.. I think she wants to but I feel like she never truly gets it.. and that I can't explain well enough why certain things happen.. or why my boundaries are so weird sometimes. I have to be reminded of the abuse to be able to explain to her.. and it is hard to have that happen randomly. I am glad she cares to learn but it is hard for me.. I hate that no matter who I ever see in my life I will never not have to disclose this.. because it affects me so much... relationships are complicated enough without that added complication.. I wish I could just be normal sometimes. I'm not and never will be. I wasn't granted that.

It does bring up some anger but I don't think my body is fully ready to feel that anger. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach sometimes but I can never stay with it very long.

are you terrified to hurt her physically or emotionally?  somehow i didn't get which.  i'm not saying one is worse than the other, just that there may be different ways to go about getting some resolution.

if you're beginning to feel that anger, then i have no doubt that it will eventually bubble up when you're ready. 

i'm glad your therapy is going well for you.  that certainly helps everything else, i think. 

elphanigh, i can't even tell you how glad for you i am that you're feeling your strength.  even when you're crumbling, it's showing.  it seems like maybe you're beginning to realize when these things are piling up on you a little sooner, and are able to manage them a little better.  that would be progress, to my mind.

well done, sweetie.  i think you're doing really well.  big hug to you.

San, thank you for the response. I always get a little excited to see a response from you.

I am terrified more of hurting her emotionally, but physically on some level. Both of them bother me a lot, but the emotional bit is more prevalent in my thoughts usually

The anger has come in small bits before. I got angry a tiny bit a few years ago, at the people that never saved me. It comes in waves sometimes now.. life I can go into little bits of the anger now.. recognizing it. I hate it a lot though so I never let it stay long. It isn't an emotion I am used to dealing with or feeling much at all. I am too scared of myself when angry. I am too scared to be like my mom, or my grandmother.. I am terrified to be like all the angry people in my life that caused me such great harm with it. I am afraid it will take over.

I am glad my strength continues to show even in all the crumbling. I can feel it, and am trying to keep hold of it. I think you are right that I am recognizing things a little sooner. I can then deal with them slightly better.

Thank you. I am just trying my best every day. It is all I have to give. Hugs to you as well  :hug:

well, your best is showing, that's for sure.  in a good way.

have you talked to her about any of your fears?  do you feel like sharing them here?  if not, that's ok, too. 

elphanigh, i think the people who are concerned about things like not being a good parent, or that they're going to end up like someone who used anger in a hurtful way are the very people who make the best parents and are nothing like people with rage and hurtful anger.

from experience, i know now how much holding my anger in has hurt my body, how badly it has affected it.  now i get anger out every chance i can, even tho it's not at the people who deserve it.  most of them i'm nc with, so it's out of the question.  but that anger does need to be physically expressed in order to release the toxins it produces when we keep it inside.

i've done it thru writing, drawing (scribbles, really - i'm no artist, but i could make a stick person picture of my daughter's face with a snake coming out of her mouth.  that's the feeling i got), and the ever popular (in my world) pounding my bed and letting cuss words fly.   it gets the poison out, it's got a specific focus, and it doesn't hurt anyone.   it can be exhausting, but in a good way.  i always feel better after i do it.

so many of us are scared of our anger specifically because we're afraid it will be like the anger of someone else.  i just don't believe that's necessarily true.  it can be if we let it go unchained and with hurtful intent.  on the other hand, releasing anger mindfully is so very different.   we do that in a way where we don't break things or ourselves (unless you intentionally want to break something because it was a 'gift' from someone who abused you.  i've done that several times, and it felt wonderfully whole somehow.  it's just that you've got to clean it up afterwards, but to me that was always a small price to pay.)

anyway, there are ways and means to relieve yourself of anger.  start small, see how it feels, give yourself time for a break and some contemplation.   of course, this is only if you're ready for it.  i'm not trying to push this on you or anyone.  just giving my experience and how it went for me.  best to you with it.  i'm just glad you're beginning to get in touch with it.  in your time, it will come.  big hug, sweetie.

Thank you for such the thoughtful response.

I have told her I am scared of hurting her. That I am worried that emotionally it could cause her harm.. or that I would do something that didn't feel right to her. I think I am afraid of being the woman that did things to me when I was a kid. She is new to it so I worry that I will do something that will scare her because it is so new to her. I can't fathom the idea of hurting her or scaring her.l of feeling like my abuser.

*trigger warning*

I have been there.. I was forced to do sexual things to my sister.l and then repeated those things as a game when I was like 14 with some friends.. I was forced to do what would be the most simple and general place to start as far as sex goes with a woman. I know what it feels like to scare someone to make them feel wrong... I also know what it is like to be on the receiving end of that... I have slept with other women and never truly had this fear but with her I get it so strongly. Part of me goes back to being that little girl.. and seeing the face my sister used to make.. or the feeling s I had at first when my female abuser did it to me...

I even get this fear with the girl I am dating when she tries to do certain things.. I don't fear for me, I fear for her.. it is unusual

She knows the most basic level of that.. that I am afraid I will hurt her or that something will go wrong. She reassures me she is fine.. but I am struggling to get past it for whatever reason.


As far as my anger... you hit it to a tee. I am also convinced I would be a terrible parent. So afraid to mess up, to give them my problems. Thank you for examples of ways to get it out, I used to play soccer to get the aggression out. I felt so lost when I didn't have that.. and then buried any sense of anger that existed in me. It is coming back. It might be time to deal with it. Also a good topic to speak with my T about this week.

I don't want to hold it in so much that my body suffers, and do love that's you share so much so I can learn from you.

I thas been an adventure for the last few days. I have a new job offer,  but have spent hours in interviews... all the while with my withdraw symptoms being atrocious. It has made it really difficult.  I had to talk to the FOO for two hours yesterday, I may love them but they drain me.. It also meant the sleep I intended to get did not occur... So my symptoms are extremely escalated this morning... I have one more interview this afternoon with the job that I truly want. I am just hoping to push through and make it go well. As I said I have a job offer, so it isn't like I don't have an option.. but the one today is the job I want. I just have to have decided by Tuesday which one to sign papers for if today goes well.

I spent my therapy session yesterday just venting a lot. I have had to be juggling so much the last few weeks that I just needed it all out. I talked a bit about the fact I could start to feel anger but it was scary for me... that I didn't want to be like my parents or abusers.. I also spoke about things with the girl I am seeing, and being afraid of hurting her. So I feel slightly better about that.. I just needed to vent about it all. Next week I want to get to do more EMDR but I needed to just get to a point I could breathe. I think I just sat and talked the whole session. She guided it down some roads that were important that I wasn't expanding on. She is truly good at helping me down paths that I would other wise avoid adding detail to. I feel comfortable adding the detail to them though.

I am nervous to make all the changes that are coming to me. I also found myself feeling bad and guilty for being happy the other day. I am working on that.. It is something that needs some work.

I want to start reading more as well. I am trying to decide where my energies are best spent at this point... I only have so much, especially with the withdraw symptoms kicking my tail.. It is hard to figure out what priorities should be

Well, I have found a good trigger for my emotional flashbacks.. one that I hadn't recognized before but did last night after realizing that I was having an EF in the first place.

*Trigger warning*

I found that if I feel pressured too much, and am being forced to make a decision when I am stressed it triggers a bad EF. I get all the need to run away. I go back to the feelings I got as a kid of having to decide what to do with my parents fighting.. or whether or not to fight the abuser that happened to be being abusive at the time. Triggered into the way I decided to protect my sister by letting one of my abusers trade me to people.. and watch while three other guys raped me repeatedly.. or when I made the decision to let him hurt her once.. when I was told that he would never hurt me or her again..

I feel back into a corner.. like I was so many times in my life. It forces me to want to run because that feeling triggers danger in my mind.. it sends my emotions back to where it senses danger because of stress.. I am still kind of in that start but aware of it happening. I hate when people try to make me decide from a place of stress and anxiety.. I can handle job pressure and things.. but people relationship wise or anything of that sort it sends me spinning, and I know now what it is.

On that note, I do have to decide today. I may not have chosen last night, and I ended up not even going home last night because I was so freaked out.. but I have to choose today.

best to you with your choice, you darling dear.  i hear ya on the ef from pressure.  it sucks.  i don't have those exquisitely detailed memories like you do, but i do have a very disturbing feeling i can't pinpoint that i know has been there before.  it's so upsetting, i become more or less paralyzed, and feel stress sick.

standing with you, supporting you whatever decision you make.  i know it will be the right one for you at this particular time in your life.  it always is.  big hug, sweetie.

Thank you dear. I made my choice a while ago. I stopped seeing the new girl I had been. I need the peace in my life. I also recognize I was not being fair to her, and could not longer be okay with that even if she was. So here I sit feeling a little freed, and knowing I chose for my well being and hers in the long run.

I don't get the memories in the moment, but I know when looking on it that the feelings come from those memories. I have a lot of detail in what I remember of my past. I have large gaps but my brain let me retain a lot of it. It thought knowing would be the best survival decision in a lot of cases. It is unique but has got me this far.

Thank you for always having faith that I am going to chose well.  :hug:

I had strength to recognize and hold a boundary for myself today. It has turned out better than I thought. The girl is understanding and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can breathe. Like maybe life is truly going to be level out.

I was open with someone else that I found out was a survivor. It is weird to have someone close that I actually physically that has in common so much with me. Her's is not extensive but she understands, and has a lot of the habits and philosophies that I do. It was interesting to be so open with someone so quickly.

Today is an adventure, as is life always. I starting to learn to choose better, and find peace in myself. Hopefully, I can continue to get better at that skill. I want so much to continue growing, I am driven if nothing else.

I can't stand having so many tears in me... it has been so hard to feel it all the time.. I can't understand it.. it sucks to have so many of them recently. I may be starting to do better in some ways but I have been crying so much, and I don't even understand sometimes.. this one just happened out of no where. It just hurts

o sweetie,

once again, you've made a big decision, which meant a big change.   change always brings with it both loss and gain.  i think you're free enough now (the gain) to grieve what isn't there anymore (the loss).

you're ok, you're doing ok.  it's part of the process, this lose/gain cycle.  we'll be making choices and decisions all our lives, both big and small.  this one of yours was very emotional, and you did something pos. for both yourself and someone else.  you'll get thru it, i know you will, even tho it's so very painful. 

love and a big hug to you, my dear elphanigh.

:bighug:

Thank you so much, both of you. I needed that comfort. These tears a difficult..it is like I am crying for a lot of past things that I never let myself deal with theloss of

Feeling exhausted today.  I feel sometimes like I can get a handle on the worst of my symptoms, and that life is starting to be slightly less stressful and then I get slammed with another thing. It gets to being quite a lot.. My anxiety and trauma responses seriously need a rest. It is wearing me out greatly.. and then my poor inner child is suffering greatly.. Feeling super scared all the time is not so easy on her either.. I haven't had much time to comfort that part of me

Some serious self-care needs to occur. I really won't have the chance until super late tonight, but I will get there. One step at a time. For now just recognizing the emotions, and the panic. To not be mad at myself for them, and to know that they are reasonable emotions to have

Today is an improvement, but  I am definitely feeling the results of yesterday. Really the affect of the last few weeks in general. I can't wait to get to go home and nurture myself tonight. It will be a little while but  I am excited to get the chance. Here's to finishing the rest of my day, and a good therapy session. My T will have a lot of emotions to work with from my end today.

I struggled a lot last night with self blame after my EMDR session. We worked through the image of my grandfather dying, and my fears that I have drawn from that to my dad's current situation. That image and connection is already smaller and less intense. I am thankful for the EMDR process when things like that happen.

However, while the rest of it was getting processed (Emdr lingers for a little while) I could feel again how I couldn't save people. That thought came up in session but I didn't stay on it long, it organically passed. My waking mind came back to it after session though. I have taken so much responsibility in my life, and often I was forced to by circumstance. So I started to feel all the responsibility for people I feel like I failed to save. I recognize I need to work on my self-blame. It is something I have always want to tackle.. but I think part of me is scared to let go of the control that little me thought she had.. of the control I was trained to think that I had. Self-blame has become almost a safety net, by keeping me in control of certain things. It was in itself a strong coping mechanism used to understand the world I was living it. I was groomed to believe it but I also used it to cope afterwards. I need to get past it to heal fully. I recognize this.

Feeling powerless, and admitting to that is truly difficult. It brings fear, but it also brings a layer of anger.. I have processed some of my self-blame before and can recognize it like I didn't use to. That layer brought with it great sadness and fear.. this layer.. I start to look at it and I can get slightly mad at the people that caused my great level of self-blame.. and anger for the things they put on my shoulders, or put me through.. Anger is still scary for me.. I know I have it, but it is a hard emotion to hold and sit with..

I also feel a layer of sadness for the little me that went through that.. that had so much put on her.. I am proud of her for surviving and some how doing everything that needed done.. but I am so sad that hse had to.. and that wraps me right back around to feeling like I shouldn't have had to do all of it.. it should ahve never been expected of me. My FOO should have never made me the caretaker.. especially not in crisis like my grandfather dying.. or my mom having a stroke.. etc.. My abusers should have never made me hurt anyone, and they shouldn't have blamed me for anyone that got hurt, including myself.. They shouldn't have threatened the well being of my friends and loved ones just simply if I was too loud.. or didn't get them the item they needed.. or if I simply said no..

None of it should have happened.. none of them had the right to do any of that.. I picked up the responsibility and blame because at the time I had to.. it is how I could survive.. even to this day it is still part of how I survive the horrors that lie in my past. I am afraid to let go of the responsibility and of my resilience that has come from it. I built so much of my life around trying to make up for all the bad that I had caused or done.. and around trying to be good when all I ever heard was how horrible I was.. In many various forms. Letting go of blame can leave me a little lost in the water I guess..

SO my dad's struggles have brought that stress and with it a layer of trauma that I have not been dealing with. I know my T is nervous to get back into some of the harder traumas with EMDR because when we tried to jump in initially i was far to much for me. We backed off and have started very small with emdr and had some luck on stuff.. I worry to that trying to tackle this issue could bring up some problems too. I don't want to overwhelm myself.. but I want to tackle this issue.. I want to learn to leave without the blame..

The last few months have truly been a whirlwind. I feel like so much has happened that I can't event fully comprehend it myself. It becomes too much sometimes, and I begin to struggle. This back and forth is truly exhausting but all I can manage right now. I push through all the chaos, making the decisions I think are right and rolling with what is thrown at me... However I am tired too. It is truly difficult to keep up.

I know I am feeling this fatigued because the EF's that occur when I am this constantly stressed and pushed to do so much in so little time. I can accomplish it because as a survivor I have learned to function under unbelievable pressure.. but I do feel it taking a toll on me. I am only human, even if my stress tolerance is higher than a lot of people. I was forced to learn how to deal with it from such a young age that I have never known any other way to exist. There have bee occasional calm moments between the series of chaos, but those are always small and fleeting. I have learned to take them and utilize them to their fullest.

However, here I am in the middle of several extremely turbulent months, and not sure when the next "calm" in the storm will come. I feel like the early 20s are hard enough, at least that is my understanding from people, to add to it healing from everything I have been through makes it that much more interesting. Sometimes I question my desire to go through all of this healing right now... whether or not it is wise to tackle it.

however, I realize I am young and have the freedom to do so. I need to take that and go with it. I am ready to work through this, more ready than I have been my entire life (I have tried a few times to confront it but was not truly ready). This time feels different for me. I know now that I want to heal, and am willing to confront these demons as they are. I know my mind thinks it is ready as well. It  has let some of my memories resurface... I have always remembered a great deal but it is allowing some gaps to be filled in. It thinks it is safe a ready as well.

I am so ready for some calmer waters but I have to continue to be so strong within all of this. Finding the small moments of calm and hanging onto them for all they are worth.

just want to let you know i totally relate about functioning under stress and pressure so much of the time.  i do believe it is at the root of so much of my physical stuff.  so, yeah, add more stress right now in the hope that it will disseminate eventually?  i don't see any other way to go.

so much credit to you, sweetie, for acknowledging that you're finally ready.  you've been doing a marvelous job so far.   with you all the way.   love and hugs.

Thank you so much. It has bee such a whirlwind of a few days.. I haven't posted in here much.. but I definitely got more stress out on me. I can't wait until I adapt tot his new asvenute and finally have time out updat here more often. I can read everything on the buss in the morning, but normally can't reply much, let alone post for myself. I will work on an actual update this weekend. Then figure out how to go about getting things done .

I have missed yo dear friend and it made me smile when I saw your post  :hug:

It has been such a long week thus far. I have really had to put healing to a back burner just to survive this transition. I am starting to get better at it but I still struggle some everyday. I need to figure out how to get it all done, not having s car has been a real difficulty for me.

On a more recover based note, I have picked Pete Walkers book back up. There were some things under emotional intelligence that I had never labeled as an issue. There were sections he would describe something s parent would do that was emotionally neglectful...and it was like a light bulb.. or like reading something my mom had said a million times to me or even my grandparents.. it was a hard moment of realization for me, it just reaffirms the abusive cycle that my family contained...

 :hug:

Thank you Three Roses. A hug is the best thing in the world.  :hug:

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, has to have multiple sugeries because of the wreck...

I am realizing just how emotionally neglectful my family was/is

Lost my car, can't buy another one...started a new job, can't make my therapy without my car at the moment

My girlfriend is gettinf married on Saturday...

Just a lot... :fallingbricks:

Dear Elphanigh, I just wanted to hug you  :hug: because of your dad. This must be so hard.

Lingurine

Thank you for the hug Lingurine  :hug:
It is really hard because I do truly love him. Of my family members he was the healthier one for me, which just makes it that much harder.

I live more than a two day drive away from my family so if anything happens I couldn't get there.. not having a car or any savings for a plane ticket.

I miss him some days, and just wsnt ti be there to make sure everyone is okay. His recovery from the knee surgery alone will be 4 months.. I just worry because I am not there to see it all.. and care for everyone. It was always my job so I have a difficult job separating from that still... and trusting someone like my mom to step up.. because it was always me

Okay, here goes nothing. I have been super shaming and guilting myself. I went about 26 hours without eating, didn't sleep worth anything. I am going to share, because everyone is so great with me normally. I need to stop shaming and guilting myself so much, and to stop feeling like I am going to hurt someone by sharing. So here is my attempt. I am sorry for the length ahead of time.

Also *trigger warning* just in case..

So all of this is complicated I guess.. my girlfriend is super angry with me, and triggered me yesterday. I did somethings I probably shouldn't have but I did not know they would hurt her.. I did not know it would be a problem... it wasn't intentional.. and she got married in the U.K.today.. we have a poly relationship which is generally healthy because of how we choose to do it. Either way.. she is extremely angry because of me not telling her about something that I intended to tell her but hadn't yet..

I don't do well with people blaming me for things, and guilting me... just in general people being overly angry and mean towards me. She used a few phrases but one sent my into the emotional flashback without me realizing it in the moment. "

"Where the * was your mind?"... that statement reminded me of my mother.. every time I messed up at all. It was something she said every time I messed up... when she found out about any of my abuse that was part of her reaction (I never told her anymore.. I admitted to him forcing me to kiss him.. that is it) I was 12... anytime my anxiety appeared.. because I just needed to get better and think it through..when one of my boyfriends was abusive... that was her reaction.. for so many things

I felt the shame and guilt come back.. I felt and still feel like that little girl who believes the whole world is her fault... that other people's pain is my fault..

I started to feel like the worthless, good for nothing little girl that multiple other of my abusers used to tell me I was.. I saw the anger and disappointment that came from them... I felt that worthless again...

I remembered feeling like I would only ever hurt people.. that I would only ever fail to be good enough.l. That I would always fail to save people.. I could only do harm...

I am always scared to share because I have been so convinced all I can be is harmful.. that sharing my truth will only hurt people.. that I have been through too much for anyone to understand or to want to hear... that I will hurt everyone because of it.. that my past will only ever hurt those who know it...

Sorry.. this is my attempt to share.. to start to feel like I am not that little girl anymore..to learn to know better and work through this

Quote"Where the * was your mind?"

sounds like verbal abuse, really. It's possible to be angry without insulting someone in the process.

You were an innocent little girl that was controlled with fear and manipulation. You were more malleable if you believed what was told to you, and of course we were going to believe grownups!

I believe we are all forgiven for everything we have ever wanted or asked to be forgiven of. All of us carry this idea around that we are unforgivable, but we aren't. We're just too hard on ourselves to let it sink in.

But I do know how you feel. When my past rears its ugly head and I feel the effects of things I've done, I have a visceral reaction. I'm dirt, I'm filth, I'm evil, hurtful, malicious. It takes a while to dig out from under that, and see I did just what I thought I had to do to survive. And no one can fault me for that.

Thank you Three Roses for the response.

I want to think she doesn't mean it that way... even if it is verbal abuse.. I don't think it is intentional. She was hurt and angry.. I messed up without realizing I did. I know a friend of mine, who I disclosed the details of what I did and what happened when she got angry believes her to be abusive as well... it isn't the first time that she has called her that. I don't know what to believe. I don't want to believe she is.. because she I don't think would intentionally do that.. I hurt her so much... I slept with someone and hadn't told her yet.. she sfound out from someone else calling me a home wrecker over a group message.... so she was hurt and angry.

I was so young.. and there is so much I learned to blame myself for.. the least of which I shared in that post. I am trying to forgive myself.. and trying to accept that the emotional flashback isn't my fault...

I hope you are right about forgiveness . There is much I wish to be forgiven for.

Thank you for sharing.. I am glad you can understand. Although I am sorry for what you went through

I need to keep this journal, and maybe a physical one. I have asked a friend a very large favor..
I haven't gotten a response but I will. Either way.. I need to keep a place here to keep me accountable as well. A place in my journal to know where my self hatred and shame and guilt levels are.

Last time I hurt someone I ended up truly suicidal.. I don't want to go back there. I can feel bits of the early start of that feeling.. nothing I will act on but it is on the edges of my mind. I must keep those levels small to ensure my own well being. I am not sure how to do that, other than to monitor and to redirect as best as I can...

To have someone that will sit with me on my worst days.. that will know when I need to call my T and when I am a danger to myself... someone that can objectively look.

I am capable of such self hate..l I know this. I know it all to well. So I start now to monitor it.. to place cautious with my demons and to keep myself well

I don't have any words for you, because in a bad place myself. However,  :hug:

Thank you for the hug. I need that now so much. I am sorry you are also in a bad place :hug:

Dear Elphanigh, you deserve to be happy and you seem to work your way out of the pain that she got married. You deserve to be free and no longer feel obliged to explain who you are. I only see beautiful in you. Let no one else tell you different. You are so strong. Don't let that slip away.

Lingurine

I am more concerned that I caused her pain... I slept with someone and hadn't told her yet... we are always honest... the girl's ex that I slept with called me a lot of names.. and put them in a group message to me, my girlfriend, the girl I slept with, and a good friend of mine.... talk about a lot of guilting and shaming..

All I feel is all the people I have hurt... all the mistakes I have made in my entire life... I feel the little girl that just wanted to be good enough... and the adult that has no idea how to cope right now.... there is too much going on... I am strong but I am only so strong... I have a breaking point and I reached that weeks ago

dear. sweet elphanigh, and your dear, sweet little elphanigh - my earth mother spirit is embracing you both in her voluminous skirts, gathering you in for some peace, comfort, and caring. 

to tell you the truth, i thought the relationship with your girlfriend was over and you had moved on.  this sounds like something different. 

i'm sorry this happened.  i think it's something for you to learn from.  the boundaries in your polygamous relationship sound kind of wobbly.   you may want to look at what exactly those boundaries are, whether they're good for you, and whether they benefit your life.  it sounds like you're the one who has gotten hurt here as well.   

just a question to ponder:  is this really the relationship you want with your married girlfriend?   you've talked about how she's cared for you as you've gone through some of your struggles.  how caring was this?

it's ok to be concerned about hurting others, but we have to know what the boundaries are exactly.  to try to guess at what might or might not hurt someone seems to me to be an exercise in futility.

no other person knows absolutely everything about me, what might hurt me or what could be a trigger.   no one knows any other person completely, either.  we will hurt people we care about at times, there's no getting around that.  they will hurt us as well.  however, sincere apologies and changed behaviors are what let us know that causing someone pain was not intentional.

what your girlfriend said to you sounds abusive to me.  if you've had others say the same thing about her, it might be something that you'll eventually want to look at.  in your own time, of course.  if it's true, you're the one who is continually being hurt, not the other way around. 

you know i admire and respect you.  that hasn't changed.  we all make mistakes.  it's how we learn.    big hug to you, sweetie.

Dear Sanmagic, your mother earth spirit is exactly what I need right now. things just keep adding to my pile and that is really hard...

At one point I was very decided to end things, but we talked and went another way. My heart loves her more than I can explain, and more than I thought I could love a person. She has truly helped me through a lot of stuff... and encouraged me to go through healing.. and been there on the nights where it was too much for me. It is hard to let go of all of the good.. especially when I am truly madly in love with her

It is defintiely something I need to learn from... I talked to my T and she sense that there is some underlying pain or a need that I needed met so badly that I chose to sleep with someone else.. and to seek comfort there. It is highly unlike me. So I ahve to figure out what that was..

As far as our boundaries.. I thought we had discussed them, and that I knew them. It is hard to experience the whiplash that happens when I didn't think I did anything wrong. If she does ever speak to me those boundaries need to be very clearly drawn out.... Also going forward can we use the word polyamory? It is more accurate to our situation. There is a difference in meaning and connotation. Thanks

This wasn't caring.. she just saw her own hurt and anger.. I had spent the morning reassuring her that everything would be okay.. she was already stressed.. and lashed out in hurt. She didn't know that was something my mom had said... and meant it because the girl I slept with is still married.. although getting a divorce.. and was friends with my girlfriend... either way it was a hot mess.. and I shouldn't have involved myself in the first place.. however again I need to figure out the underlying why to why I did it... what is hiding under to make my judgement so lacking there...I made a poor decision, girlfriend aside.

She had been doing better, and had been making large leaps in how she treats me... so I can see why the hurt because she had been truly trying and truly making things better...

I have a hard time agreeing.. I have heard it in multiple different situations from a person I trust very much. It does make me think.. but I keep seeing the love she says she has for me.. and all the things she does do for me.. and that the abusive moments come in places where I have caused great hurt..

Thank you for still respecting me.. these choices are very unlike me. I am normally so level headed and wise.. I am not sure why I lacked that.. I am young but I have never acted young and stupid...

polyamory it is - pardon my ignorance.  i'm not well versed in that lifestyle, but glad to learn.  thank you.

it's true, i believe that, we all have reasons for what we do.  i also believe it's important to figure out those reasons because they help us put more pieces of our own puzzle together.  i give you a lot of credit for the courage it took to write about this and to continue to explore it.  proud of you, sweetie.

earth mother spirit is there whenever needed.  she's the one who sits on the porch in her rocking chair with a knit shawl around her shoulders and flowers in her hair, satisfaction and contentment and understanding on her face while her eyes twinkle with delight at what's around her.  she welcomes everyone, gathers them in.

keep taking care of yourself, elphanigh, ok?   as best you can.  come join me on the porch if you need a break.  love and hugs to you.

Thank tou so much for your willingness to learn. I love your nother earth spirit so much. I come to here and the porch in my downtimes.

I am brave to write about this here only because accepting people like you. I feel safe to write and explore here. Alot of that is the kindness you have shown me.

I will join you on the porch after work my friend.  :hug:

I do need to at least contemplate whether my girlfriend is unintentionally abusive.... I have a trusted friend it out again.. with the up and down cycle that is always present and the level of self blame that I have for it. I don't think it would ever be intentional but getting called out on it by multiple people in the last few days certainly spikes some thought.

I just don't know what to do with it.. because she isn't overtly abusive.. she doesn't intend any of this... she is very loving and caring most of the time.. and doesn't realize this problem.. I am also good at causing the lows because of my ability to spin things in my mind... to spiral with the smaller things.. and I did hurt her this time..l even if unintentionally I did. I know there is fault there in my side too.

She does love me more than anything and I have a truly hard time reconciling the two opposites... she doesn't intend to hurt me...if it was malicious I could see it as abusive easily but it isn't that.. she legitimately cares and helped me through * so many times over... she has done so much good for me... it is hard to think her as bad too.. and trying to figure out what information to listen to.... it is a mess and I barely have the capacity to handle everything else going on.. let alone this on top

you know, i think there's a gray area between intentional and unintentional abuse, which would be something along the lines of carelessness.  having said this, i think intentional abuse is meant to hurt.  unintentional abuse hurts, but when it's known what kinds of behaviors and/or words have hurt someone, the person will apologize and be mindful of not doing/saying it again.

carelessness with another person's feelings can also be a form of abuse (my opinion only).  knowing what hurts, what's hurtful, what doesn't feel good to the other person but not being careful to avoid those seems like abuse to me.  so many of us have been harmed, traumatized, and damaged over and over by careless people.   

too often, i think carelessness seems not very important, not looked at very closely as abusive because it doesn't seem like it's done with intent to hurt.  yet, if i think about it closely, in the end it is a series of hurts possibly interrupted by loving gestures. 

i guess it comes down to balance.  do the hurts outweigh the positives?  if others are seeing something in your girlfriend that you aren't seeing, i think you're wise to contemplate the reality of this relationship.  i remember your distress when she refused to get in touch with you after you called or left numerous messages.  the silent treatment is a very abusive behavior, no matter what its source.

i am sorry, elphanigh, that you are struggling with this now.  you do have a lot on your plate.  i hope you can be kind to yourself, and take good care of yourself through all this.  you deserve it.  you are a beautiful being.  big hug, much love.

I don't think she's "bad" - I know at times I've become abusive but that doesn't change who I am. The things that I do are only an expression that comes from who I am, but I am not my actions.

I hope I'm saying this right - reacting to pain in a dysfunctional or abusive way doesn't make me bad anymore than a thoughtful act here and there makes me good. The key is balance, for me.

Thank you both. That is a lot of food for thought. I don't have a lot of words right now, but am thinking about it all. 

The support and love from both of you is beyond amazing.

San, I promise I am being as kind and caring to myself  as I can through this all. I have gotten past the larger part of my self hate so that is a huge plus. Took me four days but I got here.

i'm just glad you got here, 4 days later or 40 days later.  you did get here and i have no doubt that you'll get farther in time.   your own time.  that's what counts.  i think you're doing great.   love and hugs, sweetie.

Thank you San. I love your encouragement. Your spirit always warms my heart, dear friend

So it has been quite a while. The week or so has been too crazy and I have been away from this place for the most part. However, I have been here in spirit with everyone. This update may be long, so bear with me if you are still reading this. I will, as always, try to separate some of this.

I got that new job, and they didn't pay me for three weeks. So I worked the 50+ hour weeks for nothing.. it has made it impossible for me to pay rent this week. I have to talk to my landlord on Monday after I have done the math to figure out exactly how far behind I am. In the mean time I have been searching for a new job and finally got one yesterday.i will go back to serving tables like I did in college. This isn't ideal but it is one that I know I ha done well before and it gets me paid quickly. I will need that. It is going to be hard to eat and such this month.

I am still out a car and will be for the foreseeable future. This puts me on bus rides every day, when I nanny those rides take me two hours both ways.

My inner self is truly suffering because I feel like I have caused a lot of undue hurt lately. It wasn't intentional, and it doesn't make me a bad person, but my inner self really struggles with it. I don't want to ever hurt anyone so it pains me I have hurt people I loved. I needed people so badly that I hurt them in the process. It has spiked a lot of unrest in my inner child.

I miss my person a lot..she was my go to for everything. She is kind of there, still supportive in the new job and such but so emotionally detached. It is really hard to experience that. It wakes all the abandonment issues I have up, things have gotten better since she started talking to me again but i know she is unsure of me and protecting her heart from me.

I know that part of me would be healthier without her, that it could be betterment to just again go through leaving her and actually have it stick this time.. to break my own heart. But right now I don't know that I would survive the added pain to my system. I am already going through too much.

My dad had the first of his surgeries on Wednesday. He did well but he is really struggling with recovery already because it is so truly difficult to not be able to get around and move for him. He has a few months to work through part of this recovery before they open him up again in October.

I am worried I will not get to be with my family for Christmas. It will be very difficult if that is the case.
But going home would also be very difficult with the recent discoveries about how abusive they were when I was a kid. I did have a panic that I would have to go home if I couldn't make rent... but I can't let that happen.

I haven't seen my T and am not sure when I will next. I have a friend willing to take me if she can so hopefully once I get a week or two into this job I will be able to manage it. I need it a lot... I miss having a place to just process for an hour and to work through this.

My grad school stuff really hit the back burner and I need to truly start at it again. It is where I want my life to go so I need to put my energy there. It is just hard because I have so little energy currently. Everything seems to be sucking all my energy out.

I am constantly in survival mode at this point. It is much like I was as a kid... having to be in survival mode is unhealthy. I know it is bad for my brain chemistry, quite literally, and causes all of the slow downs I feel. I am in great need of coming out of it so I can get even again.

Such a long update.. there is more but it is all I can do for now. Just trying to heal the best that I can.

Just a shortish reply - OMG Elphanigh, I'm so sorry. Just on top of everything else, an employer who doesn't pay! How is that possible?? something in me screams. But it seems to be so. I mean, I believe you! But it is not right at all. Feeling angry for you.  :pissed:

:hug: :hug: to you for finding the help you need IRL atm and as much support as you can here to help you through with RL.

Thank you so much Blueberry. I will be angry when I can finally get up the energy. Right now I am just pushing through. The anger, and probably the really good cry I will eventually need, have not hit me.

I really appreciate the  :hug: I definitely need them right now. Things have been crazy

It has been a really long few weeks, and made longer yesterday morning. I have started my new job but we have been working 10- 12 hour days the last four days in a row. I have one more today and then some time off thankfully. I am just super exhausted because I really haven't had time off in weeks...

My dad is recovering some surgery but taking it really hard so my family is a sore point right now... they always are but trying to help them is exhausting from here.

My girlfriend probably won't be thst for very long, and maybe thst is good in the long run, but it hurts right now. After talking to her yesterday morning on our first skype I don't truly see it getting better... because I don't think she will ever fully want it to. It spun me into self hate and guilt again which takes so much out of me. It triggers me into old habits, and memories of other things I blame myself for. Either way, super unhealthy

I haven't seen my T in a bit over a month and can really feel the difference. Being off my meds is also probably not helping at all either.

It has been a long road and I have just felt alone and exhausted for weeks.. it starts to get better and then something else decides to crash. Catching up feels like a forgein concept... I am just trying to desperately stay above water...

Sorry for just a rant in here. I am trying to do everything I can to heal but right now I am forced into survival mode

You are entitled to a rant, dear Elphanigh!  :hug: It does get dreary, doesn't it, pushing on thru all the pain. But I'm here to say it is worth it, and so are you! Keep taking steps in a healing direction, whatever that looks like for you; even the smallest steps will get you to a destination. Big hugs! I'll be thinking of you today. :bighug:

Thank you for that Three Roses. I always feel bad ranting, but a lot is going on at once and I am just exhausted.

Definitely small steps right now. Most of the time that is just hetying through my work day... I have a few days off this weekend (the first in a long time) so hoping to use them wisely.

Hugs are the besr right now. I adore them, thanks  :hug:

well, here are a few more for you    :hug:    :hug:    :hug:

no worries about the rant.  i've done that too many times to count.  you're absolutely ok on all levels.

i know you will get thru all of this - and you're quite right, it is a lot -  in time.  please be patient with yourself.  you are such a loving, caring person, and i know you didn't intend any hurt to anyone else.  unfortunately, as i've said before, we all hurt people at one time or another.  we didn't know their triggers, boundaries, or their sensitive places is all.

it's an acceptance thing about being human.  we will all screw up from time to time.   there's no getting around it.  so, we do what we can to make amends (whether they're accepted or not is another thing, something we can't control, but that's up to the other person) the best we can, and then we know we are clean with the situation.

i like the feeling of being clean.  when i went nc with my d, it broke my heart, but i knew that i did everything in my power to make our relationship a healthy one.  it wasn't reciprocated, tho, and i couldn't fix that, couldn't control it, and finally, couldn't live with what was happening anymore.   so, i feel clean about doing something that goes against every nerve in my being as a mother.   i don't regret it, and it has been a relief.

those little steps, el, will get you where you need to be.   just keep taking care of yourself.  here's a hug loaded with patience for you.    :bighug:

Thank you dear friend.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

It is good to hear that you see the caring, loving person that I am. I have truly struggled to see that some.. I have been sucked into reminders of me being horrible. Into years of abuse by countless people that should have cared for me, and people I didn't even know... into the years of the litttle girl that believed it was something wrong with her, that she was the bad and evil person and that is why people hurt her.

It brought me closer to feeling like I caused my sisters pain again, that I was the abuser there... that other people just got hurt because of me. That I only bring pain to other people in the long run.

I have glimpsed at that self hate again. Felt that girl in me again.

It is a struggle, one that I have always had. It gets better but it still happens. It is still a spiral that is easy for me to tumble down. I am capable of more hatred for myself than I am any other person or thing.

With everything else life is throwing at me it is an easy thing to feel again.

it really is easy to go down that spiral again when in the midst of a bunch of stuff - you're right about that.  here's hoping you are able to continue to use some positive self-talk as much as you are able to thwart those neg. messages.   you really are caring and kind - the proof of that is that you wouldn't be so concerned about hurting others if you weren't.  never forget that, my dear el.

earth mother spirit wrapping you up in encouragement and determination.    :bighug:

Thank you dear San  :hug:

I need that so much. You confirming my kindness helps a lot. It is easy to lose sight of it.  I am doing what I can to use positive self talk to help get past the negatives. Today is easier. I managed to get angry at a few things from her... things that I do probably deserve to be hurt and angry over.

I will try not to forget my friend. You are a dear friend and sister to me San. Thank you. Your warm Mother Earth spirit. I need that  :hug:

i'm happy to remind you whenever i can.  people who aren't kind don't really care how someone else feels.  you've posted your care and concern about others from the beginning.   you truly do have a light in you that will someday shine on the darkness of the world.  you're doing great with everything you've had to deal with lately.  earth mother spirit is with you always, embracing you, keeping you safe and warm.  you are a child of the earth, my darling el.  love and hugs to you.

Thank you. The Mother Earth spirit makes me breathe a little more deeply today. Your reminder has helped put another good piece in for me today. I am trying so fully to do well with everything. I just need that good sometimes.

Thank you dear friend

I am finally  writing in here at the end of a long day. It is going to take time to heal from this all but I can finally start down that path. One day this to will have passed. I just have to stick it out while I work through it. Some of this post will be trauma, some of it will be recent. It all relates though because of my big trauma.. I have really bad attachment/abandonment issues because of my traumas. Therefore things like this aggravate my symptoms. So here goes what I can get out tonight.

My almost two year long relationship officially ended today, it took the last blow this afternoon after a long strand of them for a few weeks. It ended for many reasons, and honestly after the skype today, on much better terms than I would have assumed. We are going to rebuild a friendship, it will take time but somewhere along the way we lost what was good about us. We could talk about anything and everything under the sun. We lost that in the fire of everything else.. I am glad to be working on putting that foundation back together with her as my friend. I know that will take time as things have not truly been healthy since last October.

It has taken me months to get to this point, and honestly I am glad I took the time. It was long, stressful, and full of hurt but had we done this at any other time it would not have been right for us.. it would have resulted in the loss of that friendship entirely. I have also learned from the last several months. That is not to say I am glad how things happened, but am rather just glad we gave each other the grace of time with this. From here we can rebuild.

I did something I am not proud of but to be clean of it, and to recognize myself as human I will write it here. My friends have showed me that it is okay, and that I am human. That I am no less to them because of it. But I think I still need to feel that and get the through to myself. I know my ex gf is seeing that, and we got to hash it out maturely today so that helps but it will take time for the both of us. Especially me because how it ties in with my trauma (see thread in difficult day)

Either way, here is my truth and it is my journal so I can safely put it here.. I grew attached to and slept with a mutual friend of ours. This friend is married (was going through the efforst of starting a divorce but still married).. I did so with no warning to my gf at the time, and had not yet told her. She found out through a message that called me a homewrecker.. the night before my gf's wedding.. It ruined her wedding night and those following. It is now three weeks after and we have finally talked and gotten here..but it has made me question myself time and time again. Has sent me down my self hate that was taught by my trauma.

It sent me to rememebring other thigns I blamed myself for.. and other times I felt like a horrible person. So I am here trying to heal all of that, and mend my friendship with her as well.

Life is crazy on top of all of this so there is just a lot. I have spent the greater part of the last 8 years in relationships and I think it is time to sit back and figure out who I am. I spent four years in one relationship, and then 2 years in this one with only about 2 months between. Previous that they were shorter both relationship and gap times.. So much has happened, espeically in the last 6 years.. I need to I think find who that has made me. I need to learn to be myself and figure out exactly who that is now.

I am truly not sure where to start but I am going to devote myself to this adventure. Wherever that may take me.

Anyways I am hopeful. I am still in a great deal of pain, and it will take time as I realize most of my things, and a lot of my apartment is filled with things that were hers, were gifts from her, were ours together.. etc. It will take time to clear what I need to of that from me for now and start to learn how to live life that isn't centered around her.

I want to live a life not centered around a relationship. I just need to figure out how to do that.

good for you, sweetie.  a worthwhile venture, to my mind.  i think it can be awfully easy to drown our real selves in a relationship (i know i've done it with all different kinds, from romantic to friends to family) but then it's awfully easy to not know our own sense of self, likes and dislikes, boundaries, what's ok to allow in our lives and what isn't.

the more i've gotten out of relationships of the unhealthy type, the easier it's been to see me for me.  i don't doubt the same will happen for you.  it is an exploration, an adventure, and a discovery expedition.  i hope you can gain some really wonderful knowledge about yourself, truths that have been buried and/or hidden behind lies.  sending a hug filled with courage and determination to you, you darling el.

Thank you dear. I am hoping it is a good venture. Right now it is a lot of stress and crazy. Just wanting to get caught up and settled a bit again.

I am glad that you have been here and had success with it. You out perfectly what happens, that losing sense of self etc.. thank you.

Sorry I don't have other words right now. Yesterday was long

I have found myself taking this change a great deal better than I initially anticipated. I have found myself really finding that things will be okay. That I can have peace with everything in a way because I have known this would be healthier for a long time, without being able to fully do anything about it.

I have started to do yoga every day again, and have really put myself back into my own goals. I am studying for the GRE, and really enjoying my research for the paper I am writing for admissions. Part of that is my need to be busy but part of it is healthier for me too. I have grieved some and I did for a while before it was all over. I can't grieve what was no longer there, and can only move forward towards what can be. Which at the moment is me getting into grad school and furthering myself in pursuit of what I love.

I do feel the need to see my T soon, but money is making it difficult. I am truly hoping to be able to do something about it soon. It would bee good to get to go over all of this with her. Just to have a fresh set of eyes on everything.

Recently, I worked my first official shift (after training) for my yet again new job. This one is paying me already which is really going to help me. I will start to financially catch up with everything.

My inner child has required a great deal of comfort in the last several weeks as well. I have begun to color at the end of my evening to help calm little me. I don't have a great deal of time to devote to little me, but I try to do at least one thing at the end of the night that will help her through this transition too. Change when I was younger was never good, so I struggle with it. Adult me craves change and new things, but little me needs comfort in it to be okay. It is a strange dichotomy, but I realize I have to accept it and learn to go well with it.

I look forward to the change in about 10 months, but until then I will learn to get little me through this change so I can be prepared for when the big one comes. In 9-10 months I will leave the place I have basically lived for 6 years to go somewhere new and start school again. Until then I will heal what I can and continue to grow in this chapter of my life.

It's nice to know things are slowly getting better for you, Elphanigh. ^^
I hope the new job doesn't work you too hard. :) And keep up with that yoga!

"I have begun to color at the end of my evening to help calm little me."
Reminds me of the time I first saw a counsellor and he recommended I bring along colouring books to class and just... colour whilst I listen to the teacher. It was really calming... and there's something about focusing on "what colour should I use for this part" that is so pleasantly distracting (whilst listening to the teacher still of course!).

Thanks Aphotic :)

The new job is working me less than the last one which is tremendous. Also trying to make a habit of the yoga, I know it is a hard one to build but I am getting there.

It is cool that a counselor recommended that to you. It is a great way to use it

you go, el.  sounds like you are putting pieces in place now that you have more time to focus on yourself.  very glad for you.   you're doing it, you little sweetheart!  so very proud to be part of your life.   big hug.

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement :) It is wonderful to hear. I just got done with my yoga session for today, so it is great to come here and read this. I am really trying to put all the pieces into place now. It is a lot of work but good.  I am so glad to have you as part of my life San.  Big hug to you as well

 I have shared this with a couple of safe people but never fully here. This is going to take a lot of courage, and I apologize for the length if it ends up being lengthy.

*trigger warning*



As quite a few of you know I was abused for most of my childhood very severely, and it continued to lesser extents all the way until about January in various forms. I have done the math for an estimate of how many times my two main abusers sexually abused me.. the number is over a few thousand.. and more than I can cope with the idea of most days. Although that too is getting easier, because I know the number doesn't truly matter in that case. I have had longer to work with that truth... I have done that math many times over the years.

What I don't know is how many people and times outside of that few thousand. Part of my truth is that one of my main abusers traded/ lent me out to other people. Never for long periods of time, usually just enough to sexually abuse me and return me. Most of what I remember he was present for in keeping the bargain or what ever deal it was.
'
A great number of these memories are among some of my more violent ones. They treated me with more anger, violence, roughness, and just overall bad things than my main abusers did. I was a toy to use and throw away to the people I was traded to.
I have come to know that I will never remember well enough to know how many people I was traded to, and just how many people abused me that way.. I will never know how many people raped me.. (I hate that word but I need to try to use it)..how many people hurt me on purpose


One day, I will come to accept this more effectively. For now it is a huge step in the process. Just doing the math for my two main abusers is enough to choke down.. this adds a layer. I do not normally share this truth.. but I wanted to try to be honest and authentic here. It has helped in other ways, I just have never let myself be quite this open.
Sorry for the length..

Elphanigh...thanks for having the courage you've shown about this. It's not so much about "accepting it some day"; or accepting it better. You've already been there, facing it with all the honesty you could muster and then some. That's acceptance and beyond it's courageous to have stepped out like that.

I'm sure you're a bit set back in your energy level after that, so find a spot on that special porch for a spell and watch for the new horizon taking shape as you will find a way through with this and find the new hope you so richly deserve.

Thank you for seeing courage and acceptance in how I write about it, Woodsgnome. It is odd to see you thank me for it, I forget my honesty doesn't always hurt people.

I will definitely take a bit on the porch to help gain some more energy back. It took me a while to muster the words for that post.

Here's a nice cup of tea and a warm blanket for your time on the porch, brave Elphanigh!  :hug:

Thank you Three Roses, I need that.   :hug:

I ended up going more deeply into some memories and being awoken by horrible nightmares last night. I woke up and didn't know where I was, it took me quite a while to get to where I could recognize I wasn't in my memory. My nightmare was built out of an particularly bad ocurence of sexual abuse. It is hard to separate when I wake up sometimes.

My body is also just feeling the affects of it... of remembering being traded around to so many. It just feels gross all over again. I know that my body is much different, and really I think I it the year mark for when all the cells in my body are comepletely regenerated and such since the abuse...

Either way I feel it more today, I don't have the words for the memories right now.

I am going to find words for what I can right now.

*trigger warning*


My nightmares have been about a man I tried long ago to forget, my main abuser's father. Not really sure there is a good abbreviation for that relation so bear with me as I find things to call him.

My nightmares are not far from the truth though. In my nightmares he does some of the most violent things I experienced, leaves a mark from hitting me when I say no... and keeps me locked in a room.. until I escape and try to tell my mom... who says nothing, does nothing, and leaves me. I am about 8 in this nightmare. I know from some of the things that I observe being aroudn in this nightmare. my blue radio that I got gifted that year, and a few other little things.

This is not how it happened, but it is how my brain is making it worse. The closeness to the truth in this nightmare is why I awoke not knowing where I was this morning.. it is why as this nightmare has gotten worse over the last few nights that I have to take time to stretch, breathe, and ground myself in the morning.

Here's how it actually happened, or the best I can do right now. Even bigger *trigger warning*

My abusers dad walked in on my main male abuser raping me in his house.. My main male abuser was still living with his parents across the street from where I lived. It is why he was able to see me every day. Instead of saving me like any adult should have, he told my main abuser to leave... and he took over.

He was crueler than my main abuser ever was to me. When he went to take the last of my clothes off, I told him no and kicked him. It was then I got shoved intensely into the bed, and hit... it is one of very few times there was ever a visible mark on me. My abusers were always very careful to not leave marks... but I had induced more anger than I had ever seen up to that point. He was a horrible man, from what I remember in his 50s maybe... I can see a face but it is blurry..

I remember feeling a lot of pain in this particular occurrence. I had bee raped daily for several years by this point (I have a very vague idea of when this happened... not a good idea but a guess) but something about him hurt more than I remember it ever having hurt. I remember him finally being done, and telling me that I had done good.. once I stopped saying no. That I was good and quiet and I better stay that way.

He left me alone curled up.. and scrambling to survive.. I don't remember much of the details after that.. I know that my main abuser came back.. that he was angry too. That he didn't check on me, and I wished that he had.. that he didn't ask.. he was mad at me for getting us caught.. I remember getting yelled at and being told to stop crying because it was my fault.. That I had been noisy.


I generally try to bury this memory. It isn't one that I have put down in words. Even here it is very vaguely in words. I can't bring myself to truly describe it. Not that I can do that with many of my memories. This one I have never tried to put words to before.

As far as the part of my nightmare where my mom doesn't say anything and leaves... That too happened in real life. When I was asked if the main abuser had ever done anything to me, I say something very small.. something that had happened but so very minor in comparison to the whole. My mom left me crying in her dark bedroom. I was 12.... and still being abused by him at the time. She left me alone to be scared.. never spoke of it again.. except in little quips about how atrocious he was and jokes about who would ever get caught by him... the only mention of it was one that was abusive to me.. and very damaging. So my mom walking away.. that happened.

My nightmares put some spin on them... but they are much he same to my old reality. I hate that my life has so much perfect fuel for my nightmares... That it is full of things that other people only believe happen in nightmares or movies...

I hate that even here.. on this wonderful blog.. I am concerned about someone believing me.. that I have to be concerned no one will believe this happened.. because I have never admitted it before.

Elphanigh, I believe you.

My body ran cold (and still is) the further I read. But I believe you. I know this kind of absolutely terrible abuse happens, so why would it not be true when it happens to someone who's on here?

I'm so sorry for your pain then, what must have been terrifying as well, and then the fact that your M, who should have protected you, did nothing. I'm sorry for all the nightmares now.

You are very brave to put this into words. My words are gone now. If a hug is good, here is one  :hug: If it isn't, ignore. I don't want to hurt you.

Thank you, Blueberry.

Sorry for causing your body to run cold. I know my last few posts have been full of a lot of horrors. I am truly grateful you believe me.

It was terrifying, but I got used to living in that fear as a kid. Although I have more fear in this memory than I do in a lot of others. He has always been a source of it for me..  I wish any adult had protected me the way they were supposed to. Especially my M...

The hug is very good, because I know it is safe. Thank you :hug:

Oh, no need to apologise about my body running cold. It does that sometimes. I know other people's bodies have sometimes too when I've said something or explained something. It's a sort of proof that not just my head is involved but that my feelings get it too.  :hug:

Oh okay, thank you Blueberry. I appreciate you caring enough to also have feeling go along with all of this.  :hug:

I am feeling stronger today. I slept without nightmares for once which is a good start. I was feeling a lot of pain and weakness last night. Healing is difficult and it was playing hard ball again last night. It takes time. I just needed to feel the hurt yesterday so I could be stronger today.

Here's to another challenge and leg of this journey.

Glad to hear you're feeling stronger, Elphanigh.  :hug:

Just posting to check in. I haven't been on the forum in about a week, but you all have been in my thoughts. It will be until at keast Tuesday evening before I can do much more than this, but I am here with you.

My body, and soul are so exhausted... I have two more really long days at work  before I can really even have a second to breathe or eat a proper meal...

I will be back though. Sitting on the porch when I can to help recuperate

Noticed you weren't posting here as much - sending safe love & hugs to you.
:hug:

my dear, sweet el, i can't tell you the horror i felt at your story.  i totally believe you.  you're right - it's the stuff of horror stories.  how courageous of you to put all that into words.   i hope that helped you, got rid of some of that poison that was foisted upon you by such terrible people.

if i sound harsh it's because i'm so angry at what was done to someone i care so much about.  i'm not surprised your body and soul are exhausted - that re-telling must've been like hauling tons of rubbish to the dump.  you did so much good for yourself.  it may take some time to heal from this, but heal you will.

like 3roses, i'm sending you safe, warm, loving hugs to you. 

Thank you both for the safe warm hugs.

San, it did me good to put  words to it. Even if it was difficult. The exhaustion is coming from long days at work, and not sleeping well lately. There was an art festival near the restaurant where I serve tables, so it has meant 12 hour days of nonstop going.

I am actually home sick with no voice, and a rather high fever. I have calling into work but thenfever means it is contagious which I can't do around food.

Thank you so much for showing so much caring towards me. It always warms my heart

such a big heart it is, sweetie.  earth mother spirit gathering you in while you're sick.  rest in her arms, safe and warm, healing vibes swirling around you.  a crown of healing herbs for your head, voluminous skirts to keep the chills away, and nothing but the best virtual soup ever known to humankind!  hope you feel better soon.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate all of the helming vibes and other wonderful illness cures. Hoping it will pass, but it has only gotten stronger today

I have found myself grieving tonight, instead of sleeping... I laid down to sleep about three hours ago. My mind has a habit of whirling around sometimes. My body is exhausted because of working too many hours, and now have been fighting a cold/flu for four days. Utterly exhausting and frustrating...

Either way, instead of getting much needed rest to hopefully not be sick anymore.. my mind is grieving all of its losses... my inner is hurting immensely and I am having a hard time helping her tonight.

*Trigger warning*  just in case

There are a few things I am grieving that hurt my inner child as well. One being a loss of part of me because of college... losing a career path, a passion, and ultimately my pure love for playing music. I haven't played my flute in 5 months..l used to play for 5 hours a day, nearly every day.... when I was kid it is what saved me. Not five hours of it that came later... but music saved me from everything I was going through. It gave me community, and something to love. Music, along with school, was the reason I survived.

I got that taken from my in college, by a narcissistic private instructor that was very emotionally abusive. She hurt that part of me so much that I can't make that I lost that life plan. It hurts little me more than it does adult me, although both feel pain over it. It has been five months since I have played. I miss it, but it also hurts for me to think about it and be reminded of what was going to be, and that I am not good enough.

The other thing is the illusion of a family that got shattered. Little me placed my family in this little bubble of pure goodness. I know she did this to survive, and cope. However, I lost that in its entirety a few months ago. With the stark realization my mom was very emotionally abusive and mildly physically abusive... thst my dad was neglectful and let her do those things. Often causing them because we got lashed out on when he failed to make sure things got done.

I recognize my family put the weight of the world on my shoulders.. I was responsible for everyone's well being. If mom and dad were fighting it was my job to fix it, save my siblings from it, and pick up the pieces afterwards.

I was my moms confidante when she was angry or sad etc... same from my dad. I was in charge of maintaining the emotions of people in my house.. of caring for my siblings, and even my moms health.

I was also to be perfect. Which meant as a kid I was never enough, because no child is perfect. Especially not one that is being horrifically abused regularly.

There is a lot more that could be said about the worst of my family, but I have already made such a long post. Let's just say my mother did some horrific things..

I held them in such a perfect bubble for so long because little me couldn't handle adding to the bad pile.. little me couldn't handle the truth of not having had an adult that was actually caring and doing their job in my life. Not even ones I tried to reach out to and tell that something was wrong. No one saved me, because no one cared to. Little me couldn't handle that truth.

So my inner child aches, as does adult self. I need to sleep. Thank you for reading such a long post if you made it this far. Sorry it is such a vent of everything

I hope that you managed to fall asleep eventually, and that it was a peaceful night in the end. I wish you a better day today.

Thank you Sceal. I did eventually get some sleep, it just took a while to accomplish

no need to apologize, el.  that's what these journals are for.  get that poison out, get out the griefs, pain, hurt, abuse, truths, realizations - all of it - that still bothers both you and little you.  we get it.

i really feel bad for you that you're still sick, that you're having to work so hard, and that you're not getting the rest you need.  earth mother spirit embraces you, both of you, in comfort and caring, her voluminous skirts shielding you from any extra pain right now as you go thru your grieving process.

as far as that flute teacher goes, well, i can't print here what i'd like to say about her.  i hope you can get past her abusive rantings and back to the music that has soothed your soul.  she was wrong.  you are indeed good enough.  anything that has helped us survive is more than good enough and how dare anyone attempt to destroy that!  no, no, and no.

dear el, rest in your mind knowing that you and whatever you do that is beneficial to your life is always valid, valuable, and way more than good enough.  these things we have a passion for are part of our spirit, that spirit that has kept us going thru all the horrors.  yes, life savers.  every time i hear flute music from now on, i will think of you, hoping that someday you'll be able to return to it.  you deserve it.  sending a hug filled with healing energy and lots of love.

Thank you San. I did need to get the some of the poison out last night.

I am off today thankfully, have a million things I should do, but rest from this illness shall come first. I need it. Thank you for sheilding me from the extra pain.

I can imagine what you would say, dear friend. It is good to know you would. I really hope I can get past it one day too, I have my moments but it is truly difficult. It is hard to remember that it is enough when I learned the opposite throughout college. I have my music performance degree but it isn't enough for the life I had envisioned so long ago. That got taken from me. I want part of that love back.

That toxicity is affecting my new found path. I find that I am terrified someone is going to do it again to the new one. I am afraid to love philosophy, and thst passion because I fear someone like her will happen again. Or that I won't be good enough. I am applying to grad schools right now, but so afraid it won't be enough... that I am not good enough for it.

There is a lot of old toxic thoughts there. I need to get past them soon.

you know, el, you are not the same person you were when that teacher knocked the snot out of you verbally.  you've come so far, i wouldn't doubt that if someone tried that again on your new path, you'd be able to stand up for yourself and tell them where they can stuff their crapola.

you don't ever have to take that abuse again, sweetie.  i hope you feel better real soon.  loving hug to you.

Thank you for that reminder. I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago when I finished my degree. I have gone no contact with that person, even though she wanted differently. You are right, I am not the same person I was when I took that and let her define four years of my life.

I need to remind myself of that as I go forward into this new one. Academia is not a kind place, but I am stronger now.

I am starting to feel better today, just resting up more. Big hugs to you as well.

Another wave of nausea while at work this morning... working around food and on my feet for hours does not bode well with this. I have an hour or so before I have to head back because I am working a split shift. Hoping to kick this. I finally woke up without a fever today, and my cold/flu symptoms are starting to dwindle. Although still really present.


Little me is having such a rough time right now. I am struggling to place exactly why she is yelling at me. A lot of is going on in my adult life, and I am dealing with a ton of old wounds that have attached themselves to the newer ones.. however those older ones are only a couple of years older.

Little me, like 6 or 7 year old me, is really hurting though. Scared and hurt.. I am just unable to figure out why. I know there is something obviously.. but pinpointing it has become impossible. It feels nebulous if that makes sense. I am fishing around and have a whole lot to sort through with no success. But goodness is she yelling at me, and she doesn't yell ever.

I was a quiet kid, never shouted or cried.. I got taught not to. I was the perfect quiet child from as long as I can remember. So little me yelling and being in such distress is really odd to me. I feel it, but don't know what to do with it.

Anyway, I am going to continue to contemplate that while trying to feel less nauseous...

Being nauseus and having to be at work is awful. I hope you will feel better real soon and that you will be able to get some rest once your shift is over.

You say you have a lot to deal with, could that be what Little you are trying to tell you? That she is worried about you dealing with tons of stuff all at once?

It is awful, especially when serving tables I have found... I am sitting at home now, just got here. I am less nauseous so going to try to eat something.

I do have a ton going on, but I always have a lot on my plate. I don't think there has ever been a time where I wasn't trying to balance the weight of the world... maybe an occasional day or two. I wish I could say that was exaggerating but it isn't. So I am not sure that is it, only because it hasn't happened previously. Even when I had more going on.

that is a really great idea and thought, I promise.

i had the same thought.  maybe when you were a child, you wanted to yell about the injustices perpetrated upon you, but couldn't.  perhaps now, as you've moved forward in your recovery, your little you is feeling safe enough to yell like she was never allowed to before.  she doesn't like what you're having to deal with, and she's making it known.  standing up for you, so to speak, like you weren't allowed to stand up for yourself.

just a thought.  i hope this huge load you've been carrying dwindles soon.  i know you're exhausted.  sending a hug full of care and concern for you, sweetie.

I will look more into that thought. Maybe I dismissed it a little to quickly initially. I was seeking some sort of specific thing from back then, maybe you two have a good idea going on. It is worth exploring more than I gave it initially. My little has more room than she used to, so maybe she is yelling for the first time because she feels like she can.

I spent some of my morning coloring, and drinking some tea. Enjoying Once Upon a Time on Netflix as well. It has seemed to help me calm down my little, and my adult self. Expressive outlet of sorts. I am still not well enough (sinuses/cough etc) to attempt my flute but when my lungs are recovered I will try that. I miss that part of me greatly, and I think little me does too. It was so much of who I was until about a year and a half ago. Maybe she is telling me it is time to try again.

I hope the load dwindles soon too.. exhaustion is a very real thing for me. I am sadly more energetic and such with this load than I ever was during my undergrad. There is a lot now, but I am more capable than I used to be. I will get there.

I am able today, to recognize the fear but work on grad school stuff anyways. I can't live in that fear all the time, what if would be much harder. I have to try for myself.

Hugs right back at you. Thank you for always showing such caring and concern for me, dear. It means the world to me

So as I went to work on my projects today it dawned on me part of what I am struggling with so much. I think Little El may be so upset because of all the reminders to what was. Warning me to watch for these things, and tricks. Instead of coming from other people like they were when I was a kid, they are coming from myself... Maybe she is feeling a bit attacked from within, without me recognizing what I was doing to myself.

Perfectionism is so much a part of who I am to a fault. When I was younger that was instilled by my parents and my other abusers punishing me terribly for even my smallest mistakes. Even with grades in school nothing was good enough unless it was a perfect score. Got a 95? why didn't you get 100?  Then my abusers either telling me how perfect I was being and rewarding it, or telling me I was terrible and unloveable when the worst of the abuse was going on.

I am recognizing that same dichotomy in my own thought processes currently. It is presenting itself in a few ways. One, my research paper for graduate school applications. I find myself stuck because I keep whirling around with thoughts, searching for a perfect topic/argument/theory that simply doesn't exist. Philosophy isn't perfect, it is as human a subject as art is truly. I find that I put something on paper and automatically judge it as imperfect, not enough, not worthy, not intelligent enough. I don't even give myself the chance to extrapolate on the idea, and to fully form the concept. I just immediately deem it not good enough, because it isn't perfect or earth shattering.

This deep set perfectionism and belief that I am simply not enough (not intelligent enough in this case), is hampering my movement towards graduate school. I know it comes from the years of abuse. There is a certain amount that is normal for people to experience, but mine is exaggerated because of those early years. My perfectionism was a coping mechanism, and still is sometimes. If I can be perfect, than no one will hurt/abuse me, no one will abandon me or think I am too difficult.

I want to get past this, so I can write. Part of me recognizes I am intelligent, that I have people that will confirm that for me. Professors from college that support me in the idea to go get my PhD, and to do what they do only better. I want to be able to stop causing little me so many issues because of the inner voices that still haunt me. I recognize these things are coming from me now, but that they are older voices of abusers and unhealthy family members etc. I am separating from all of those unhealthy people best I can, but I haven't yet gotten past this.

since little el has more of a voice now, maybe she can help you with some of this.

have you ever tried writing with your non-dominant hand?   from everything i've read/heard, it accesses a different part of your brain, and often a younger part of you.  what if you let little el write down ideas for your paper?  she might come up with something that surprises you, and allows you to look at it with the wonder of a child instead of the insecurity of a perfectionist. 

just a thought.  and, intelligent??  indeed!  nuff said!   love and a big hug, sweetie.

Maybe she can help me. I forget that part of me can be helpful too, I am used to just normally trying to help that part of me rather than letting it help too.

I have done it once. My t early in college had me write a letter to little me, and then a letter from little me where I used my left hand to get in touch with her. It worked well at the time. Maybe you are on to something with using that to get some ideas on paper. Her creative wonder and unjudgemental curiousity may be what I need. This paper needs my wonder and curiousity,  not the perfectionism that I cultivated.

Thank you for that insight. Intelligent, I am hopeful. I used to believe in my own intelligence, in high school I did. Really until about Junior year in college I believed in it fully. Going to school with people that rivaled my intelligence brought out my insecurities, because I was no longer the best. I need to get the belief back.

Love, and hugs

After a lot of revelations, writing, and then finally that letter to little me (see in letters of recovery) I feel at peace today. It has been a good, but strange feeling. For once I am not weighted down by the self-blame, and guilt that was created. I released little El from that blame, as well as adult me from the guilt of torturing myself for so many years over it. None of those things serve me, and grant me any sense of well being or healing. I can't have those things in my life anymore. I recognize the power in this realization, as I feel more freedom today.

It is hard in a way to feel this because it also makes me nervous. Peace in my life has always been followed by great turmoil, like getting lured into a false sense of safety to be pounced on. I don't want to think this way but some instinctual part of me can't help it.

I also want this forgiveness to stick this time. I have felt this forgiveness before, it was about 3 or 4 years ago with my first T. It didn't stick. Instead, I fell back into the self-blame and guilt. I put the weight of the world on little me, like I had been forced to by everyone in my life previously. I don't want to go back to that. I want to be strong enough to keep this recognition, to have claimed this forgiveness fully. I am just hoping I am doing enough to keep it.

Elphanigh observed that "...It is hard in a way to feel this because it also makes me nervous. Peace in my life has always been followed by great turmoil".

You deserve to bask in these moments of peace. Whatever happens after, the now part is all about this peace you've worked so hard to attain and that no one can take from you. So enjoy the moment; what was before and what may come are irrelevant to the unshakable peace of now.  :)   :hug:   :)

Thank you Woodsgnome, that is a perfect observation. I will try to bask in the moments of peace :hug:

Wonderful to hear you're feeling at peace now.  :hug: I haven't read your letter(yet) to little El, but I am glad you are able to communicate with her

Thank you Sceal. It is a great feeling, just trying to enjoy it. I am getting a ton of writing done because of it.

Truly happy to hear that

I am finding peace to be difficult today. Late night, and then just got out of my routine... I also finally tried to play my flute for the first time in 4 months. In that I fell apart. There is so much pain attached to my flute playing now. It was once the only thing that kept me alive. Now it is something that brings grief and sadness. It serves as a reminder for numerous things..

- a career and life that I will never have, one that I am giving up

- that I am never enough... not good enough, strong enough, determined enough, etc. I have struggled with that belief as long as I can remember because of the abuse but this is another, more current level of that belief

- my narcissistic flute teacher that has helped cost me a lot of my love for music, and this life path. Not all on her but the abusive parts of those four years did a lot of damage. I am now no contact with her, but even ten months away has not made playing any better.

- reminds me of the pain of having my love and passion stolen from me. Used against me.... to have it turned into something that just causes me great pain.


All of this is scaring me. I find I am terrified to out myself fully into the next career move. I am terrified to let myself love philosophy, to devote thst much time, to put so much of myself into it.. music was so large a part of who I was, of what my life was... I put all of me into it and it got knocked away. So I am scared to let myself do that with something else...

Peace is difficult tonight, I need to rest and find some soon

I went thru a time when I found no comfort in music - listening, singing or playing, all once things that I depended on for happiness. I'm starting to come out of that, as I go deeper into my inner landscape and work on acceptance. I hope you find your passion for your flute again.  :hug:

Thank you, Three Roses. I am glad to hear you are starting to come out of that phase. I hope that progress continues. Also hopeful I will get my playing back too

hey darling el,

i think the idea that you even picked up your flute was a huge step.  the idea that you found that feeling of peace after 4 years, another huge step.  these are steps toward healing, and they all count.

as you continue moving through the jungle of this beast, i believe you will be taking more of these steps and the pos. feelings will begin to last longer as well as the time between will become shorter.    your self-doubting will begin to shrink as you courageously open those blockages and let that light in you shine a bit brighter each time.

philosophy - dare i say that this journey of yours will bring out your own, more refined versions of the philosophies of others, and will cement within you a personal philosophy that will make sense to many others who have been injured and wounded.   your light will shine and others will bask in it.

warm loving hug to you, sweetie.

San,

Seeing that you replied made my heart smile. It is good to hear from you dear friend.

Thank you for seeing so much progress, even in those small steps. The forgiveness of my younger self has maintained its presence in myself. I have to remind myself sometimes but overall I can recognize the truth in it.

My flute, and self-doubt are ones that need tackled and worked with more. I do hope to continue to make steps in the positive direction with them.

I do hope I can make as much of a shining light of myself as you see in me. Reading your replies to me often reminds me to see more good in myself, and strive for things even when I am struggling. You have a astounding affect on me, thank you. I just hope to be able to understand some of the concepts at the moment, and to write a cohesive paper for grad school admissions.

Crippling self doubt, and perfectionism are going to be the end of me one day. I am still self-sabotaging with them, despite my best efforts to get around them. They truly hit a peak last night, and I ended up crying them out a bit.

I kept hearing myself think that I wasn't intelligent enough, good enough, determined enough... that I wasn't intelligent enough to tackle Adorno... that I don't have an original thought anywhere in my head. That I was failing at getting this paper done because I am not good enough to construct an argument..

All of those things are false on a more logical level, but I am struggling to see that when I go to try to write. I just remember how it feels to not be enough... and get convinced I will always be just short of enough... however, I wrote a million papers in my undergrad degree. I am a good writer, not the best, but certainly enough. I have people that will edit this for me as well. I just need to get past the self doubt and perfectionism to start.

I have been so stuck in trying to be someone else... to be intelligent as some of the major writers.. where  my voice is lost in that. So I have lost my own arguments and insight. I need to find it. I can't spend years trying to be someone else, because I will always fail at that.

I failed at that as a kid too. Trying to be betting in every way so the abuse would stop..l it never did.  It wasn't my job to be someone different then and it isn't now

you're absolutely right, el, it isn't your job to be someone else.  you are definitely good enough, smart enough, and insightful enough to carry through on your paper.  like wife2 says, breathe.  take a few breaths before you sit down to write, and visualize having a finished paper.  just a suggestion - it's something that works for me.

if i can visualize it, then i know it's do-able.  yes, you are a good writer - you show it here.  you're coherent, insightful, and your intelligence shines through.  pooh to those old messages!  they're not yours, and they never were.  you were born believing in yourself - others dumped the crapola on you that helped bury it.

maybe a writing exercise to put the old messages out of the way for a minute.  could you write them down, see them for what they are, and then destroy them (tear them up, burn them, whatever feels right for you) or put them in a bag and set them aside just till you get your paper done?  i've also done this for myself and found it helpful.

just some thoughts.  self-doubt can be crippling, and i hate it.  i hope you find your way thru it and out the other side.  best wishes for a great paper.  sending a hug filled with confidence and assuredness for you. 

Thank you, dear. Your replies are always a big breath of fresh air for me. I can feel the support through the screen every time.

It isn't my job. I learned to think so poorly of myself unless it was perfect. I was an athlete, competition theater kid, did both high school music and college music starting when I was 15, held a job from 14 to when I left for college. I was in every academic honor society one could think of, and took all AP/ advanced classes, got a perfect gpa, even valedictorian title. Oh a a few times of going to state and local competitions for music on top of theater. I taught myself and entire instrument in three months because I could...

None of that was ever enough. School constantly wanted me to skip grades, I excelled at any test or exercise.. even just in the classroom. However again it was never enough. I was sweet and talk to everyone, adapted to how the crowd I was in wanted me to act. Even my parents had their own set of stipulations. I can't remember ever not doing this.

In college I was less apt because it all caught up to me. I was still taking twelve classes, working two jobs, in two honor societies, president of one, and then officer in a social sorority. Again never enough.

I need to learn that all of that was enoug, I was just surrounded by abusive people until very recently. I am finally free of them. I just am so used to all of that crapola, as you call it, being my job. It is hard to let go.

I will try the writing exercise, maybe that will help. Will also remember Wife2s reminder to breathe before I sit down to write, and to visualize. Thank yo for all of the comfort and assuring words. They mean the world to me

I find that I am still pretty emotionally strained after yesterday. It was really hard on my anxiety, and unite emotionally triggering for me to have my dad in surgery for so long. I know he was not always a "good enough" parent but he was mine, and has become better with age. It is hard to worry about him, we lost my grandfather to this when I was a teenager so I struggled even though I didn't want to admit it. I was strong and encouraging to my family as I always am...

I know that isn't my job anymore but it is a force of habit. It was never truly my job to take care of everyone, but they made it my job so I took it. It was me who cared for people when they were sick, when they were fighting, etc.. I protected them, and healed them. I am well versed in taking care of people because of it. Often doing it to my own detriment ( I have mostly stopped that habit) .

Anyways, yesterday triggered that part of me. Being so far away from my family is healthy normally, but it is hard on days like yesterday. My every instinct reached out to care for anyone that I could. I know it isn't my responsiblity but it is a part of me that gets triggered every time. I had an inner dialogue going that sai did I should be there, what if something happens and I am not there, who will take care of them? As if I have to be the super hero when things go wrong...

it is an old voice from a little girl who thought taking care of everyone was all I could do. It was from a little girl trying to do something good, so people would stop getting hurt. She believed their hurt was because of her, so she fixed what she could. She tried to become the healer, peacemaker, caretaker... she succeeded in that, but it did not do what she had hoped. Because the hurt wasn't her fault.. although it took her until like two weeks ago to finally admit that fully to herself.

I have a long way to go with this. I will try to to find peace in my work shift tonight

i sincerely hope you find the peace you're looking for, el.  those old roles are difficult to extricate ourselves from, that's for sure. 

i must say, it brought a smile to my face to hear that you're able to finally know that the hurt wasn't your fault.  what a major breakthrough.  so very glad for you and your little you.  sending a hug filled with relief and love.

Thank you dear. It was a super crazy night at work, but it brings a peace of sorts. It allows me to focus on just that, and to talk to people. I got to laugh tonight, it was fantastic.

I am glad that made your smile. It is important for me to keep reminding myself of it. However, it has not waived for a couple of week. I would have to look at when I composed that letter to little me. It has been a huge help to me

laughter is the best medicine, isn't it?  when my hub calls, i always am able to laugh with him.  my d and i, also, try to end our conversations with a laugh.  i watch comedies almost exclusively when i watch anything, and make sure that the last thing i'm seeing before i go to bed is some silly sitcom rerun.  keeps my mind more at ease.

very glad for you that you can laugh at work.  it's a very good thing, to my mind.  i had that as well when i was working, and it made a lot of things seem better.  yay for you, sweetie.  sending a hug full of love and laughter.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Even on the busiest, and craziest nights at work someone walks in thst will make me laugh. I am never sure who it is, but last night I got s great one. Hoping for the same tonight

Today begins a difficult set of anniversaries. This next three or four weeks is full of anniversaries of deaths. Today is the 8th anniversary of me losing a really good friend of mine, with having lost a member of my graduating class last week it comes with a heavy heart today. I adored them both, played sports with them and sat in classes together. They were both such shining spirits.

In the next several weeks, there is my grandfather, one of my best childhood friends, my great grandmother, and uncle. Some in the same year, some not. Either way these few weeks are always covered with reminders of those deaths. Most of them happened when I was in college so it has been 4 or 5 years but it is hard. I find this evening is a little more unsettling with reminders of the friend I lost to a car wreck on this day.

I can feel a bit of an EF coming on, and need to clip it short if I can. I have to work in just over and hour and would like to be able to be my best tonight. Saturday's are busy and important. I also close the place tonight so it will be a long one, even more so if I am stuck in an ef...

those anniversaries are tough, no doubt.  standing with you, el.  maybe, after work, you can retreat to the porch and just be coddled through any signs of an ef.   warm loving thoughts and a big hug for you.

Thank you dear. I am finally off work and will be grateful to go to the porch tonight. Work was long, and the people were not kind tonight. Glad to be headed home.

The anniversaries are difficult. I have found myself missing my ex-gf this week a lot. I miss her comfort, and ability to make me laugh or at least smile at these times. She was always so good about this sort of thing. Instead I live alone and have to find comfort in myself. It is a good skill but a hard one.

The ef is only barely there. I think the small traces are manageable. Going into work when I did probably saved me. It does a huge number to keep my mind from panicking, and going too far back.

i have no doubt you'll get yourself thru this, sweetie.  you are getting stronger by the minute.  standing right beside you on the porch - there's a soothing breeze, just the right temp, and the ocean's just the way you like it.  relax and just be for a minute.  you'll be ok.

big hug filled with consolation and love.

Thank you dear. That made me breathe much deeper. I will be on the porch standing with you today. I will get through this, I just have my moments. You are right that I am getting stronger, thank you.

Big warm hug to you too  :hug:

So I get to go back to my therapist in a few hours. I find that I am both excited and terrified. It has been about three months since I have seen her, and so much has happened. She is terrific and I am beyond lucky to have found her, but I know how hard this work is.
Before I was living with my partner, and could come home to her. I could crash, and fall into her if I needed to. I don't have that option anymore. I am, in a way, alone for the first time in over six years. I hopped from a four and a half year relationship to one that lasted over a year and a half. This November would have marked two years.


I am healthier for the boundaries and changes in that relationship, but it is still not easy. Especially when she used to be my rock before and after EMDR sessions. I am strong, I made to through * and back many times. However, I still feel weak in these moments.


I am scared to do this alone tonight. First way past a fear is to admit it. This is me admitting that fear, but also recognizing I am stronger for it.
Thank you for making this a safe place that I can admit those things, and come to when I need it.

I am glad you got to see your therapist again. I hope it was a good session for you.

I am sorry to hear about the breakup, those are always hard. But setting boundaries is a big, important step I think.

If you'll allow me, I'm sending you a digital hug tonight. Hoping you'll be okay.

Thanks Sceal. I see her in just under an hour. Hoping it is a good session too.

The break up had been a long time coming, and a lot happened to cause it. There is a long thread on the difficult day posts about it. Also somewhere in my journal is what happened. The boundaries ar a huge step. I have been setting them with more people, including my FOO.

I will gladly enjoy the digital hug. I could use them

hey, el,

i know it's way past your session, but want to send you bunches of hugs    :hug:   :hug:   :hug:   :hug:  to be with you tonite as you process what you went thru today.  i hope it was a good one for you.  i know emdr can be tough at times.

earth mother spirit gathering you up in her voluminous skirts of comfort and caring so maybe you won't feel so alone tonight.  lots of love, sweetie.

I need that tonight. Didn't do emdr, but did some catching up. Re-evaluated symptoms and did a different ptsd diagnostic tool she hadn't done with me the first time around, because we both knew that I had cptsd without question.

I came home, sat in a dark apartment.. and cried. Head in my hands and curled up. I need your Earth Mother spirit so badly tonight. Feeling alone is so difficult, and I don't want to feel so alone tonight.

I haven't been completely honest with myself, let alone other people, about how I have been doing. Honestly my depression, inner critic, and life events have been kicking my a**.... I don't have words for it all right now... but it is an exhausting battle in my head. It has led to me numbing things without even realizing I am doing it... and mastering the mask that I used to wear again.

The comfort that you and your Earth mother spirit bring are much needed. I am finally admitting some difficult things to myself and here to you. Not all of it, but in time.

your time, your pace, your space, your recovery.  when you're ready.  i am always with you in spirit, el.  call on me anytime, i'll be standing next to you, skirts aswirl.   sending you a loving, caring hug full of warmth and compassion.

Thank you, dear. It means the world to me that you are with me in spirit,  and standing with me when I need you. Earth mother skirts and all. They are truly healing, and comforting to me.

This will all come in time, I just needed to get that first one out last night. Being taken advantage of twice by someone who I needed to just be my friend really set some things off that I wasn't fully recognizing.

I ignored the root cause of things that sprung up, and that did further damage. I denied its importance and impact which is never healthy.. but did it bt instinct.. didn't realize I had done it honestly.

This will take time. My depression,  and self worth issues that stemmed from it will take time. I had those voices quieted mostly, but this brought them back.. and I didn't initially contribute it to the actual root cause. I didn't know why they had come back so harshly and quickly. I understand now.

I am taking the day to go see a friend, and try to get some of what Ibhave lost of myself back today. Hoping it will be healing. I will take your spirit with me today. And keep that hug close to me. I need all of the support and warmth I can get to bounce back

I ended up staying the night at my friend's place. It is the first time I have felt like I truly slept, and breathed fully in a while. It reminded me the voices in my head are not always correct, that I do have people that like to have me around.  I am going to try to cultivate that feeling and work my way out of the hole I hadn't put myself in. Here's to this adventure.

I am happy to hear you got a good nights rest. Heavens knows how important that is!

Started an intense ego state therapy today. I am excited to start the deep work to get through my trauma. I have five different states, at least that I could get to come to me today. I got to talk to each one of them, and let them speak to me if they wanted. I know this sounds very odd and somewhat crazy, but I know here people will understand. I also understand some science behind the ego states so it helps to assuage my worries.

I am supposed to try to sit with my other pieces at least once a day. It is to try to earn trust from them, and To be More aware of when my other parts take over. I do not have as many large gaps in memory, because I can see through those parts, but don't necessarily control them. Or at least that is the thought for how they functioned and do function. It makes good sense.

Eventually this will hopefully allow me to process everything with each part of me, so all of me can heal. It will add to the ways in which I process and help me to do so.

I have five of these inner states. Think describing them here's will help me to remember as I go through this process.

1. 5-6 year old me. She holds my fear and confusion over the first major abuse I remember
2. 7-8 year old me. She is tough, brave, and hardened. This is the girl that fights everything. She is how I got through my parents, and abuse. She refuses to be scared. She took care of everyone and everything
3. 10 year old me.. she was the first to appear and the most difficult. She is the one that created my drive. Where my perfectionism and high achieving nature came  from.  She did everything she could to be enough
4. 13-14 year old me.. angry with the world but also deeply stuck in grief and loss
5. The happy face in teenage me. She is how I had a normal life in some cases. She is how I made human connections and could keep up a vision of everything being okay

Hi there Elphanigh, I'm new here and I decided to check out other's Recovery Journals.

Yeah. . . The idea of inner children inside us can sound weird. I'm new to it — probably more new to it than you and it's already been a rewarding process. There's something about talking to yourself this way that allows more awareness.

Wish you luck on this.

See ya around.

Thank you for checking out mine. I know it is a long one (and it is my second journal). The inner child isn't super new to me, but seeing five distinct ones is really different

I've done a lot of work with ego states, so I'm interested to see you are too now Elphanigh. I hope it helps you lots.  :hug:

Thank you! Glad you have gone through it and that it helped! I am really curious about this journey.

i'm curious, too.  i haven't done anything like this.  it's kind of amazing to me how you have these inner you's separated out.  i hope this goes really well for you.  sending you a warm, loving hug, el.

Thank you,dear. It is an interesting experience so far. Basically what I am told is that these ego states (little me's) are just dissociated pieces that dealt with my trauma. It is how some people can lose parts of their memories. Also the extreme version is D.i.d.

It is an interesting concept. Still strange to me to have five distinct Little's but I see where each one would be from.

I haven't been as present here because I am needing to be very focused on studying, and writing. My grad school apps are due in about two months... Today I started my 7a.m. wake up, with yoga, and a hour of studying before I even dream of getting ready for work. The goal is to study two hours a day and write for two hours a day. On days off , like yesterday, that wasn't difficult. However on days I work I know it will be. Here is to an adventure, and finding my drive again.


Sitting with my ego state work this week has really been intense. I think I end of crying every time..
One of the big ones is realizing that the oldest version of me that is there is from the first time I wanted to commit suicide, from losing two friends and two family members in the span of six months, from coming out, from one of my dearest friends completely abandoning me... from trying to confront my past in the middle of all of it.

She is the girl that depended on music and school to be happy..it is something that I feel like I am disappointing and abandoning because I am choosing to leave music.. I need to work on this to find peace with my new path

dearest el, been thinking of you.  i know you've been ultra busy.

hoping school apps go well.  been there, done that - it's a nerve-wracking time to say the least!

that girl you identified as being excited by school and music - i don't think you've let her down or abandoned her.  you're still fighting for school, and you were traumatically forced away from the music you love.  i have faith that eventually it will come back to you.  maybe not today or tomorrow, but when you're ready.

please be gentle and patient with yourself.  this is a tough time mentally in your life.  i think you're doing a really good job.  you'll get there, honey.  i have no doubt.  my best to you always.  sending a loving hug filled with encouragement and mental clarity.

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts, San. It means the world to me.  :hug:

The school apps are nerve wracking... trying to get the all done and just hoping someone see potential in me.

Thank you, I appreciate your insight on my younger self. I will try to think of it more like that, because there is truth there. I do know that I can play piano and feel at home still. It is a bit of music that is not lost, most of the damage is directly to my flute playing. I just don't have a keyboard at home. I am hoping I can get one though. I do wish for the rest of my music to come back to me one day. It will just never become the career that I had always dreamed. That forever is ruined for me.

I could definitely use that encouragement and mental clarity. This whole process brings so many questions for me. I question whether I am choosing correctly for my career path. My other option would be psychology so I could be like the people that help me. That has always been an option but one I have always decided wasn't something that I could do and be healthy. One that I decided would never be enough for me either. But I am prone to questioning the one I have chosen.

Thank you for believing in me, and reminding me I am doing well through all of this

making a choice on a career can always be confusing, scary, and possibly changes as we get older. 

when i was a kid, i wanted to be a brain researcher.  i found it fascinating to discover what went on in there.  when i got older and found out what it entailed to become a brain researcher, i changed my chosen profession to teaching.  i loved the idea of imparting knowledge to young minds.  i started college for that.

at the end of two years, there wasn't enough money to continue with college, so i chose another career path - hairdresser.  i went to beauty school and did hair for quite a few years.  that got interrupted when my legs gave out and i had a baby.

in my 40's, my daughters were old enough, i thought, that i could return to college, but now a whole new career path opened up to me - i wanted to be a counselor of some kind.  i started out at community college to be a subs. abuse counselor, but it fell thru.  then i went to a 4-yr. college, got my degree in psych., and was determined to become a therapist.

yep, i got into grad school (so i know what you're going thru right now, how important it feels to do this just right), finished, took the accreditation test, and became a therapist.  i was nearly 50 by the time this came to be.  what i'm trying to say is you may make many, many choices about careers in your life.  some will work out, some won't.  but, please, don't ever let anything stop you from making another choice if that's what you want to do.

you've got your whole life to choose, and choose again if that's what it takes.  you may circle around and return to a former choice.  it's your future to do with as you please.  questioning these things are, to my mind, part of our big picture.  i know you'll do exactly what's best for you, whether it's now or down the road a bit.  your light will not be stifled.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.

Thank you dear friend. You always know just what to say. I am trying to get it just right, you are perceptive. I want to have this long, beautiful career... but I am worried the world might take this one from me too, or that I am choosing wrong and will lose my chance if this is the wrong choice. It helps to hear that you made so many different turns and still ended up where you needed to be each time.

If I get what I want for school, I have another 6 years of it. That ever elusive PhD before I turn thirty.. that has been my goal, even on the other career path. I wanted that degree before I hit the big 30. I am worried to not acheive that, more that I am worried about leaving music. Well, it is a very close race anyways for which one is more concerning I guess. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about that. Maybe life has a way of putting me where I need to be, even if that takes a bunch of turns.


All that to say, thank you. It helps to hear that. I don't think anything can ever completely assuage my nerves about this, but it helps.

On a good note, I managed to actually start writing my admissions paper today. There is substance and a good start. It was good to finally write, and oddly enough happened after a truly intense therapy session. Which is another post topic

Rereading that, response San. Thank you for having faith in me, and seeing so much light in me. It means the world that you see that, because I see so much of what I want to be in you.  :hug:


Anyways new post, which means therapy post. Today's session hit me particularly hard... I am okay but it is a ton to process and take in. I sat with the eight year old version of me, whom I described as brave, fiery, and hardened. She took over to become little adult...she is the tough version that helped the rest of me survive. She had the worst job. I couldn't get through to her on my own this week. Continuously struggled to connect and get any form of trust going, and just couldn't get in touch with that part of myself. She was very much one of the more dissociated bits for me.

In session today, I decided I wanted to see if my T could help facilitate making this connection. I am glad I did, as I found it. I gained new insight into the feelings held in that part of me, the questions that I have that will never have proper answers... into the feelings of some inadequacy, and failure that come from that little girl. A little girl that wishes she could play, and be told she was doing a good job.. we explor d the idea of playing a time one point.. plan is to do some chalk next week if I think is warm enough.

Either way, I recounted some stuff with my parents because it resurfaced. I am still pretty new to dealing with my FOO issues, as I hadn't accepted them until recently. So confronting some of the worst of that, and see it reflected on this little girl's face is so hard. I forgot how much hurt, and pain that I hold inside of me. I have lives worth of pain and heartache... I am not even 25... I have seen more hurt than a lot of people see in a lifetime.. really that eight year old had already seen that much . She was already an adult, in how she had to live and responsibilities put on her anyways.
Sitting with all of the hurt, and feeling the distrust she has as well is so draining and heart breaking in a way. But I connected, and that is the goal. If I can connect and trust those pieces of me, and have them trust me I can start to fully process old wounds.

My T shared a beautiful kind of explanation (with my permission) for the "why me" question that the little 8 year old me wanted to know. I didn't have words but my T vaguely did, and I gained some great insight into myself because of the way she structured her words. She didn't truly answer but gave some strong, insightful insight. She is truly amazing at what she does, and I am grateful to have found her. It was empowering in some ways, and made me appreciate to a fuller extent just what that version of me did to help me survive. To see why that little girl chose to step up, my T gave a sense of choice and power to that little girl. Not in a bad like you are responsible sense, but in a i stepped up and survived, that I fought and chose to fight despite everything. I chose to save people along the way. At 8 years old that is a large feat, and one that I am growing to appreciate a little more. Learning to not be so hard on her failures because she did so much right

My brain can't really put words to everything, but there will be more to that. I have a feeling this will develop as the week goes. I just have to be patient and keep this work up. So much is going on with graduate school applications, change in my relationships (for the better), within my family, and just me as a person.... it is all so much. But I am choosing to go through this very difficult, and draining process.. to heal early. I just need to keep the gumption and determination up.

I did my ego state work today, and after yesterday it was very powerful again. I got to more fully talk to my eight year old. I cried really healing tears through it, to be honest. There is so much ofthe girl that wishes that someone would have saved her, wonders why no one ever did. Even now, it is me that has to save that version of myself. However, she saved several people from my fate... she kept people clear of the nightmare I was living... somehow as an eight year old I was strong enough to to try to decide to save people I cared about. She did such a wonderful job, but let herself take in so much damage. She elected to take on more, so people would take on less.

As much as that little girl wants to have been saved, I know I would choose the same way. Now I can save that little girl. I can give her what she didn't have.. I can help her understand what it all was. I can help heal the wounds she has. I will do that, with time.

dang, el, you are a wonder to behold.  really.  inspirational and someone to admire, even at 8 yrs. old. 

i'm just so glad for you for the work you're doing (both at school and personally) and the realizations and results you're seeing.  stronger and stronger.  you sound so different now than 6 mos. ago.  it's really showing.

i hope your goal is do-able by 30, i really do.  i also hope that if it's not accomplished within that time frame that you don't let it stop you, but just keep going.  you'll get there, of that i have no doubt.

sending a big hug filled with encouragement and love.

Thank you dear. I think I reread that response like five times. You inspire me regularly, so to read that I am a wonder and an inspiration, even at 8, is a big deal. I chose to save everyone I could at that age. I often chose to get hurt over letting someone else take the hit. Both physically and emotionally. I put myself intentionally in the path of my angry parents, so my siblings could avoid it, or put myself in the path of my more intens abusers to keep them from my sister or friends. I thought I cwould I'll save everyone. I chose to take more pain so others would need to. I was a brave, strong kid.

This version of me is so beautifully strong, and resilient. I can help her now.. like no one ever did.

Thank you for seeing so much in me, San. It reminds me to see the same in myself.

I am glad I can be doing so much work. It is intense on both fronts. I feel almost a different person than I was six months ago sometimes... it is good to hear that I sound stronger to you. That it is notable that I am working so hard. Btw you have helped me in these realizations and results, your wisdom has truly helped.

I hope it is doable too. There is enough time, I just have to work really hard. If not, I think I will be strong enough to keep going. It is just a marker that I would like to have happen. Thank you for always having so much faith in me. I have a lot to learn still

well, we all have a lot to learn still, el.  you're not alone in that one.

i'm just noting what i see in you - you're the one producing all of it.   where that 8-yr. old got so much compassion from when not shown much is a wonderment to me.  it's taken me nearly all my life to feel compassion or empathy.  i'm so glad you've had her in your life, and that you're now strong enough to take care of her like she's taken care of so many others.  absolutely beautiful.

love you, darling el.  big hug filled with everything you need.

Thank you for noting what you see. It is truly good to hear someone sees the change. I don't know where little me got the compassion from, but I can't envision who I would be without it. My drive to save people, saved me because it gave me a purpose.. something bigger than just surviving what happened. My empathy and compassion just kind of was. I forget that it was a miracle that I had any at all.

Love you too, San. I am so glad to have you in my life. Hugs back at you

ditto, sweetie.

Triggered my fight or flight response really badly in my body tonight. I managed to get through my social engagement with it, but as I am headed home I am feeling the effects deeply...

My anxiety and hypervigilance are in overdrive, which is just a hard thing to cope with. It has been a while since it was quite so strong.. i know I will get home and try to do some grounding. However, posting here is helping me get through the ride home. It is also important to note what caused it and when it happens for the sake of starting to cope with them, or prepare for them a bit better.

Just have to breathe through it.

 :bighug:

Thank you  :hug: :hug:

right beside you, el.  big hug filled with warmth and love.

Thank you, dear. That hug was perfect , and having you by my side is always something I am grateful for. Today is better, I think this is just part of the process I guess. Digging stuff up puts it closer to the surface so maybe I am just more prone to those moments. I knew what triggered it, but not so much why it continued. I will see what I can find.

Thankfully I had the day off, because I woke up with a killer headache today feeling pretty zapped. I turned it around though, managed to grocery shop, bake, and get some cleaning done. I am about to get some reading and paper writing done as well

*trigger warning* inner child, ego state work, grief
.
.

This recent round of recovery has been very intense. I feel like I am making large strides, but that also means the pain from it is just as intense. This is the first time I have fully sat with all the younger versions of myself. I almost forgot just how much pain, suffering, grief, and even anger there is in me. I went through * as a kid.. name a type of abuse and I can tell you stories of it happening, because I have experienced most. This is a truth I have known for a long time, but I am finding it difficult lately.

Doing the daily work for this round of therapy has been enlightening and draining. I find it is rewarding, but I rarely go a day without crying because of it. Sitting with the worst feelings, and moments in my life even for a little while everyday is exhausting. I am tackling this at an exhausting time in my life anyways. Graduate school applications, admissions tests, loss of relationships, several deaths, my dads illness.. and I am still choosing to heal.

I feel frustrated with it the last few days, my Little's questions echo in my head "why me? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just be good?" Now that I don't blame myself, I don't have answers for those questions, other than the people in my life weren't good to me, the adults weren't good enough, no one cared enough.

It is frustrating to be more vulnerable because I am choosing to heal. My nightmares come back, I am more easily triggered... I am more tired all the times. More aware of all the things in my day that are affected by the younger versions of me.

It is heart breaking to look at these younger versions of me, and not know how to help them. To see how much they went through... how much I went through.

You said: "It is heart breaking to look at these younger versions of me, and not know how to help them. To see how much they went through... how much I went through."

"...went through." And into a new chapter.

These younger versions needed you then; had no where to turn...but now you're there/here--for them, for you, and by extension for us who are touched by your story. It makes one very vulnerable, and it's easy to give up and figure it'll never happen.

But it is happening, as slow, agonizing, and futile as it has seemed--those little ones have a friend they never had; and they still need your loving presence. They're finally with someone entirely safe and trustworthy.

Thanks for sharing from your heart...I'm wishing nothing but the best as you continue finding your way around the corner into the sunshine you deserve.

:hug:

Hi there.

It is this hurt and grief that allows for self compassion. Sadness for your inner children can be seen as weak, but I'd argue that it's a powerful thing. To be able to feel hurt is what drives us to protect who we are, what we hope for and what we stand for. This can allow a motivation in life — becoming a force of nature — to change who we are and potentially the people around us more. When you feel for yourself, you feel for others more deeply as well.

It's alright to feel. There's a lot to grieve.

:hug: if that's okay.

Thank you both.  :hug: to both of you.

Woodsgnome, you are right. Into a new chapter it is, those little versions of me never had anyone trying to be there for them, and now they do. Even if I feel lost in that pursuit sometimes. I am glad sharing my story here can touch people as well as help myself. Feels useful at least in that way.

DecimalRocket, I think you are right about I think being powerful. I had never made that connection, thank you.  :hug:

dearest el, doing what you're doing is helping them.  you already know even without knowing it consciously.  you're doing what you need to do to heal, and that's exactly what all your littles need, it's exactly what helps them be comforted, nurtured, and finally knowing they are safe at last.

yes, you and all the very beautiful parts of you have gone thru *, there is no denying that.  you've known it, but maybe now you're becoming aware of it on a different level, seeing how you've survived from the perspectives of your littles.  that's very powerful stuff.

i hope you can take the breaks you need for your scholastic needs.  not that you're abandoning anything or anyone, but just some space to be able to think and concentrate on getting into grad school and all that entails.  maybe it's not possible, but i hope it is.  i'd just hate to see you get overwhelmed to the point that you become paralyzed, and can't do your school stuff.  i know how important it is to you.

in the meantime, i celebrate that warrior spirit you're showing.  i have no doubt you'll get thru this exactly the way you need to.  sending a big hug filled with comfort, caring, and love. 

Thank you , San. It is a good reminder that somehow I am doing exactly what they need. I am just struggling to see it with the difficulties this week has presented me. I think it is also that old voice coming back to tell me I am not good enough...

I think you have a point of maybe a different level of awareness. That is a great insight into maybe why I am feeling like this. It is a very powerful process for me, a different level makes perfect sense here. I think I am being to know it more intimately, to see into exactly what that entailed for the younger parts of me. It is a hard truth to witness.

I am trying to take those breaks. This afternoon has been part of that. I have struggled more in the last week to create that space, but I am determined to see this through. I will talk to my T today about some ways I might be able to separate it a bit better. I want to be doing both. My academics are the road to what I want for myself in the future, but so is healing. I need to find balance. Thank you for remembering how important that part of life is to me.

My warrior spirit is definitely coming through lately. I really have needed it too, and think I have been building it as I am going too. It feels stronger than it used to. Thank you dear friend for being here on this journey with me. Not really sure what I would do without you

Found out just how triggering anger can be for me in therapy today. I am grateful my T is trauma informed, and amazing at what she does. She had to talk me down from a trigger twice in session, which never happens. I have never gotten overwhelmed completely like that, certainly not twice in session. We are normally well within the zone of tolerance. We crossed that twice today, but she was watching and caught them both pretty early. One she had no idea it could cause it because I hadn't told her about the ex that hurt me more recently.


We tried to do some physical things to release this anger, to get in touch with the emotion and body sensations to help start to process the specifics eventually. I am a thrower when I get angry (although I really don't let that happen often).. I used to throw a pillow or a ball when i got angry.. or would just sprint until I couldn't breathe. So we did a throwing motion which was okay, so decided to throw a hackysack at giant pillow.. that became too much.

Little me got so scared, that ten year old me is terrified of anger.. so getting in touch with it got me really anxious and wanting to retreat back into myself. I don't think I have ever wanted to retreat back, and close off so much with this T. It was a first, which is probably good she has seen this part of me. I automatically closed off, when I started to reopen and triggered myself unintentionally....my t was being really reassuring helping me prove to myself I could help my Little's, I could protect them and myself...had me form a bubble around myself essentially by moving my arms and just visualizing that. It was meant to help empower me..

Instead I immediately went to the incident with my ex who pushed my boundary, and when I froze... I went to my inability to protect myself.. ended up leaving the office out of sorts because her group had gotten there, and the second they started making noise I closed off. She tried her best to help, but I had backed into myself too much to let her. She did all she could and I appreciate that...even mentioned that if the noise bothered me, because she sensed it had excaberated the trigger, that we
could find a new time. This was the first time I had been in that late spot, so we hadn't run into it before.

Learned a lot about some stuff today. I chose to try to tackle my anger, that was my choice.. I wanted to be brave and work on it, because it had come up a lot this week for me personally. I couldn't tackle it on my own, so I thought I was ready to face it in session... it was just so much more than I expected.

Either way I have not even been able to accidentally set a glass down wrong and not jump.. loud noises and especially my fighting neighbors are rough for me tonight...

Sounds like you worked really hard in therapy today! My T also has me doing physical stuff if I start drifting off, I used to think it was way to weird and struggled to engage, but now I can see it's purpose and it helps ground me again. It takes practice, and sometimes it doesn't help. I hate it when you have to leave the T and you're not really present anymore.

I hope you give yourself room and self-compassion after your session today to process and rest. You've done alot!

Lots of hard work definitely. Not thinking she will have me do too much physical stuff for a while, just because the reaction I ended up having. Will see though. I am pretty nervous about the idea of trying it again, so I may not let it happen for a while..it was definitely rough to leave and not be fully present when I did.

I gave myself as much space as I could last night to help. I am still feeling some today but not a ton thankfully

wow, that was quite a session.  it sounds like, if nothing else, you learned something about yourself, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  learning out limits is a biggie - i still struggle with that.  also, it might do you some good to start much more slowly, less intensely the next time you decide you want to tackle anger.  i know it can escalate quite rapidly, but you're more aware of that dynamic now.

that is a drag to have to finish a session without closure of some kind.  sounds like you're still pretty jumpy from it.  i hope you can find some rest and relaxation till you feel more grounded and stable.  take care of yourself, sweetie, as best you can.  you need and deserve some time and kindness for yourself right now.

sending a big hug filled with care and love.  you'll get there - it may need to be at a little slower pace than you or your t realized.  no shame in that.

It was quite the session.. I don't normally just run through one on here but I needed to last night. That one was rough, and a lot got learned indeed. Definitely will start much more slowly when I decide I want to tackle anger again, the trigger took both of us by surprise... because I was doing okay, it was hard to let myself do but I was okay. The trigger was like a flip of a switch and I honestly can't identify exactly what caused it. I can understand the aftermath of it, but not figure out exactly what caused it.

It is hard to not have closure certainly.. my t is really great about creating a sense of closure before I leave but it was just not possible yesterday. I know she tried very hard but I wasn't in a place where I could let her, I guess.

Definitely still jumpy, some sleep helped but I still feel it a lot this morning. I work a double shift at work today, which could be good distraction... or it could just set the anxiety on high again. It is impossible to tell which will actually happen. I am hoping for a quiet ish morning at work, because loud noises are still spooking me pretty badly. I will drink calming decaf tea all day,and give my nigh shift to a coworker if I need to tonight, although I prefer not to. I know there is one that would probably take it if he hasn't already found someone to take one from.

That hug I said perfect. I feel like I could sit in one for a while. My body and mind need to just feel safe, which is a challenge right now. I wanted to be ready to tackle my anger, to try to sit with it... maybe that was too soon for me. Everything else is good to be intense, I can handle the fear, grief, sadness etc... but something about anger is harder I guess. I do hope to get there one day

earth mother spirit wrapping you in her voluminous skirts, providing calm for your nerves, and safety for your being. 

Thank you. It is amazing how much just that image can help me start to breathe a bit deeper. I will stay there for a little while today, if that is okay.

it's always ok, honey.  always.  she will come whenever you need her, just call her, even if i'm not around.  she is now one of your personal resources.  love and hugs, el, love and hugs.

Thank you dear. If I wasn't in public that would have made me cry a bit to be honest... I have taken comfort in having her here all day. Work has been hard, so I have needed a place yo mentally escape today.

Love and hugs, san. Thank you for allowing me this space whenever I need it

Today is a better day. I have had time to breathe, and rest. I find that I am still jumpy to loud noises, but much more tame. That session scared little me badly. It hurt the ten year old version of myself, that was so used to anger being toxic. Then bringing up my ex that hurt me, triggered the part in her that felt like she could never protect herself or anyone else well enough. That part of me was reminded how powerlessness felt..

It is a feeling I will try to heal, maybe I need to work on that before I work on anger. I will sit with my Littles in our safe space and figure out what they need most from me. To see how to get trust and a bit more safe feeling back for them. So I can start to process even more of this.

Tomorrow's the day.. back to therapy after last weeks tough session. I feel like I really have to mentally prepare for it. I sat with my Littles, to remind them I could take care of them.. that they are safe. Honestly, I feel my heart breaking for them, for me. I went through so much, there are so many hurt and terrified parts of myself.

A lot came up tonight regarding my M.. and then some memories I haven't told me T about.  She knows that she doesn't know everything, and we are in the process of that happening... but there is a lot of cover there, and it doesn't all just come up. The timeline process helped some but we didn't finish and what we do have isn't completely true either.. as there are things missing, left out etc.

At this point I am not sure what I will get into in session tomorrow. I know I am scared of it... after last week it will take true courage and strength to go back. I feel like I am bracing for impact  :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

also have been shaming myself for the lack of stuff that has gotten done on my three day weekend... but I have been so utterly exhausted and just burnt out  :no: :fallingbricks: :Idunno:

Your T sounds sensitive and thoughtful. Mine used to say if I was ever overwhelmed we could just play cards or something. Take care of yourself, Elphanigh. Gentle safe hugs to you. :hug:

Hi there.

Yes, grieving can be an overwhelming process. I hope you take it slow and be gentle to yourself. :)

See you around, Elphanigh.

Three roses, my T is definitely sensitive and thoughtful. I am very lucky to have found her. She and I drew with chalk one day for my inner child, and she in general reads my needs very well.

The safe gentle hugs are so appreciated, thank you  :hug:


Decimal, slow and gentle is a new thing for me. I am trying to though. Thank you  :hug:

Trigger warning (inner child, mom issues, anger, fear)
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Had a really intense but good session today. After last week it took a great deal courage to go back in. I was honest about this fear and apprehension. She is also just very receptive, and great at what she does.

Anyways I got to start to reframe how I look at anger, and got to sit with the littles that it is connected to. My little 6 year old, 10 year old, and the 14 year old that holds the anger. That last one scared the others last week, and got reminded of all the things her abusers told her to be.

Although the strongest part of my session was to do with my mommy issues... I have never liked to admit just how strong those were. But I got to openly discuss wishing that I had a mom that was there for me, that wasn't scary. My mom was scary and abusive... and I always put her in a place of good because she was less abusive, less damaging, less mean, just less bad than other abusive people in my life.

It is powerful to sit with my littles and realize how much they craved a mom.. and how much they never had one. Instead I became a mom for my siblings, and watched my mom be a good mother to them but not me.

I can sent with that loss, grief, and the sense of resentment I have towards her now. It is hitting me especially hard with the holidays, and the thought of going home to see my family on Christmas.

please be gentle with yourself on all levels, el.  this is some rough road you're walking, and it's tiring and exhausting and can get overwhelming in its size and intensity.   we don't have to be busy all the time just because there are a few days off work.  those may be the best days for our minds to just relax a bit after all the work they've been doing.

loving warm hugs to you, sweetie.

Thank you so much for that reminder. As I am just now sitting down after working a 14 hour day I am realizing the truth in it. I found out that I don't have a day off until next Friday, so eight days in a row. Today was a 14 hour long day and tomorrow will probably be  just as long. With grad school test looming and application paper  needing finished I am worried about the amount of rest I will be getting.

Honestly I'm not sure how I'm gonna get it all done. I don't want to go back to the girl that I was in my undergrad degree.  She was so unhealthy, and wasn't dealing with her trauma

Yes, I agree with San here. Be gentle towards yourself.

It is an incredibly tough thing to be aware of all the hurt inside you. When I realized that many of the good things in my life were actually just "the less horrible" or "less traumatizing" experiences, I was overwhelmed by the grief of this realization. It threw me off gaurd in intense ways — because while it gave me answers, it was questioning my own worth in life to realize how bad it was.

Take your time. You're going through a lot of hurt after all.

:hug:

Thank you  :hug: that is such a great reminder. Also you put words to a feeling that I couldn't

I have taken to doing some really good self care today. Even managed to tell work no when they tried to call me in today. I took the day off to rest, and get some of my stamina back. Working almost thirty hours in two days was too much, even for me. Being on my feet, and having to be on top of my game for that many hours non stop was exhausting.

Currently I am worried about getting grad school applications done, and doing well on the g.r.e. In just over a week. It is a lot to tackle with work and everything. This relates to my recovery because recovery is also exhausting and I am trying to find a balance.

In my undergrad I was okay never sleeping, not eating properly, and working myself until I dropped.... I would cycle through it, and as the semesters went on that cycle would quicken. I was always sick, anxious, exhausted, and all around unhealthy. My symptoms were at an all time high because I was demanding so much of myself, and not giving myself anything in return. I don't want to go back to that  state to get everything done.

I have to find another way, there has to be another way. A healthy way to do all of this. I am determined to find it. These next five weeks are crucial for me, and will test my conviction for both graduate school, and my recovery journey.

I decorated for Christmas tonight. It is the first time I have had legitimate Christmas decorations for my apartment since I left home when I was 18. It is really nice to have done that. Despite my families shortcomings, they made Christmas special. It was one day I could count on that people would smile, there would be no hitting, and I would get to see family members that were healthy.

As a kid I adored the holidays, I got to see people I rarely saw. It brought out a side of my mom I did get to see much. It brought out the good in her, and sometimes my dad would participate. Which he was pretty neglectful so it was a big deal. It still is a big deal.

This year it should mean me getting to see my siblings. My sister is pregnant and I am so excited to sit with her and chat about it. I can give her things I want my niece or nephew to have. I trust her to end the abuse cycle in my family. She wasn't directly a part of most of it, I made sure of that, but she witnessed some. I think she can break that cycle with her kid. I hope she can. I won't have kids of my own to do that with, but I can help her as best I can from here.

My parents did some really terrible things, and my home was not always a good one... but I can't help but cry a bit typing all of this. Remembering some of the good, and recognizing how little I see them. I miss them sometimes. I really have the last few days, and that is hard. I feel like I shouldn't miss them.

My family sent me a package for Thanksgiving because they hadn't in a long time. Every one Put something in the box and each of them wrote me a letter, and even my younger cousins that are just starting middle school. It was the sweetest thing, and brought so many feelings... as typing this all up is.

Between that box and having to work tirelessly to help other families celebrate the last couple of days, my heart has taken a large hit. I miss them more than I have in a long time. I know I am healthier when I am farther away from them, but there are parts I miss. Parts of me that know I am the only one that will ever go very far from that place. My S did for a while but she ended up backa t home, so I am the one that everyone only sees once a year... maybe twice if they get lucky. My niece or nephew will grow and barely know me. That's hard.

I know this is better, and I am busy living my own life. I am ending the abuse cycle in my own way... and learning to love who I am becoming.. but it hurts some nights

Yes, being a workaholic can be tough. I was freeze-flight in the 4Fs for much of my life. I remember working so hard I would get sick with fevers and just physically collaping on a regular basis. Not fun.

I can relate to missing the past even if it was worse. I even missed emotional breakdowns, I missed criticizing myself more, I missed feeling afraid, depressed and shameful more. I don't know why. I didn't want it. But I missed it.

I don't know with you — but I think I missed it not because I wanted to be hurt but because I was more afraid of the future. I was able to solve and gain experience on past problems, but the future was unknown and looming before me. It was terrifying.

Whatever the reason is — I hope you allow yourself to feel. It might have been horrible back then — but it was your life and your family.

Be gentle with yourself as always, alright?  :hug:

Thank you, Decimal. That is some good insight here. Sorry younalso had that same type of workaholism.

Idk that I miss it, so much as I don't know how to live in this state very long. It is unusual... I do miss feeling like I was getting everything done, and being more capable than everyone else... because that's is how people looked at me. They saw all my accomplishments, not what it was doing to me. So i feel lazy and not productive right now.

Thank you for reminding me I can feel this, and miss it sometimes.

I will be kind to myself I promise

el, of course you miss them sometimes.  the holidays and all, especially if those were some of the better memories you had.  it's ok to do that, as long as we also remember the reason we left it behind.  the neg. far outweighed the positive, and that's something we can't change.  i miss my daughter, too, but i won't go near her.  i know it won't change.

do you think, for these 5 crucial weeks, that you can prioritize for yourself in order that you don't get overwhelmed and crash and burn just when you need yourself the most?  what's the very most important thing to you to accomplish?  set that one thing at the top, and schedule everything else  around it so that you will make sure you have enough time and energy to get that done correctly. 

i don't want to see you back in that destructive cycle, either.  been there, done that.  i could pull all nighters when i was young, juggle 17 different things, each of which took more time than i had, and still get everything done.  i was also smoking and drinking to excess in order to keep myself going.  not healthy at all.

i think that recovery means recovering ourselves, our true selves, and the reality of that which goes along with it.  just because we don't do what we used to do, beating ourselves mercilessly in order to get it all done, doesn't mean we're slackers now.  it just means we've adjusted to a new reality.

sure, you can miss that part of you.  i miss that part of me at times.  it gets less and less with practice, and realizing that a lot of what i used to do has caused me to be the way i am now.  then i know that i don't really want to go back there.  so, altho it's new territory, it's a better version of you, to my mind.  just have to get used to it, and that will come with time.

big hug to you, sweetie, filled with time enough, energy enough, to accomplish what's most important.  and, lots of love.

Thank you dear  :hug: :hug:

I do know why I left, it is just hard sometimes... I know I will see them for s few days at Christmas and that it will be as much as I can handle. I love them but history has shown I can only ever handle them for like five days, and then I am craving my life back.. this is my life and one I have been tirelessly building. I need to remember I always miss it when I am around my family.

I do need to prioritize for these five weeks. Graduate school is the most important thing for me right now. I need to create time and energy to finish that. I work tonight but I will sit down and plan how to do that tomorrow before I go into work. Make a game plan and stick to it. I can focus on that and let other things slip just a little in order to do it. That way I don't go back to that cycle. Thank you for reminding me this is a better version of myself, that other people don't want to see me back there.

I too used to pull a few all nighters a week, and would only sleep about 4 hours on the nights I was. About once a month I would sleep for about 10 or 12 hours and then would repeat. I drank in excess.. never smoked but being an instrumentalist it was pretty important to avoid it.

I am glad that it has gotten easier to miss it less for you. I am hopeful that I will as well. Part of me worries that going into graduate school will bring that part of me back, and that I will enjoy it in a way. I don't think I will let it happen, but it is a bit of a concern.

Thank you for the hug. I am glad for it :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on November 25, 2017, 03:26:15 AM
My parents did some really terrible things, and my home was not always a good one... but I can't help but cry a bit typing all of this. Remembering some of the good, and recognizing how little I see them. I miss them sometimes. I really have the last few days, and that is hard. I feel like I shouldn't miss them.

.....

Between that box and having to work tirelessly to help other families celebrate the last couple of days, my heart has taken a large hit. I miss them more than I have in a long time. I know I am healthier when I am farther away from them, but there are parts I miss. Parts of me that know I am the only one that will ever go very far from that place. My S did for a while but she ended up backa t home, so I am the one that everyone only sees once a year... maybe twice if they get lucky. My niece or nephew will grow and barely know me. That's hard.

I know this is better, and I am busy living my own life. I am ending the abuse cycle in my own way... and learning to love who I am becoming.. but it hurts some nights

Some of what you've written here I've been experiencing in the last while, so just want to say, standing with you, in the pain and hardness of it.  :hug:

But also yay for us for living own lives, ending abuse cycle, being far away from FOO, working on becoming and staying healthy. :cheer:

Thank you for being with me in this.  :hug: I am sorry you go through the difficulties this brings as well. You are right though, is good we are living our own lives and becoming healthier. I needed that reminder so much  :hug:

This week has been a rough one, and a reminder of how hard this journey can be. The holidays have truly hit me harder than they usually do but I am determined to feel all of the feels and use this difficult time to understand more about my own journey.

Emdr and ego state work was super intense the last two times I have been in. Today's was particularly difficult as we got into some of the self blame my inner little one holds. This is the ten year old ego state of mine, as I have five I should specify here.

I am so glad to be going through this process but sometimes I question that thought. Having to go through my childhood again, and to go deeper than I have before is exhausting and painful beyond words. I am having to accept more of my own truth, and sit with the feelings more than I previously have.

My therapist is beyond amazing and encouraging but I don't always believe her when she tells me I am doing really well at going through these things.

*trigger warning* FOO, inner child
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Confronting how terrified little me was of my mother, and joe neglectful my father was is new to me. I was terrified enough by the time I was 8 that I broke my arm at like 2a.m. And didn't wake anyone up. I was so scared of the punishment that my mom would give that I sat in pain until someone woke up on their own. That was at least 6 hours with the pain of a broken bone out of fear.

I am having to confront the physical abuse, verbal beatings, and emotional abuse that was part of me FOO.. it may sound odd, but confronting the daily sexual abuse is easier most days. Somehow being raped and hit daily (most of the time multiple times a day)by other people.. and being traded around is easier than confronting the things with my mom. The other was far more horrific by any standard but it is the abuse from my mom that is the hardest right now.

I feel like it should be easier, because of everything else that I went through...

Anyone else have these different layers? I had two very separate abuse situations, and as far as I know they didn't know about each other mostly.  I had two main sexual abusers outside of my Foo who traded me around and were very violent at times. However I was very attached and loved them both (insert grooming and gaslighting)

Then I had my abusive family, which was a different abusive situation.

Then as life went on I gained a few other abusers.. most of which weren't aware of the others. I feel like I have four or five life times of abuse to recover from because all of the different ones I endured... :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

I am here with you, :hug: dear E. Healing hugs to you full of warmth, compassion and safety.

Thank you, Three Roses  :hug: I needed that tonight

Yes, I relate to the layers.

When my mom emotionally abused me, I felt intense hatred and disgust at her but I also felt a duty to love her.  To be patient around her.

It's tough really. Take care, Elpha. (Can I call you that?)

:hug:

Thank you  :hug: :hug: Also yes you can call me Elpha. I go by a lot of nicknames on here, and find it fun that I do

dearest el,

i totally get the layers thing.  i have different scenarios with different people at various times in my life, from foo to family, to hubs, to t's, to situations, to friends, and on and on. 

the work you're doing can be beyond difficult at times, draining, exhausting, confusing, and painful.  i could guess about why you're finding this even harder working on your mom than the other stuff that's gone on - she was your primary protector who you relied on to take care of you.

the fact that she didn't, that she was explicitly involved in abusing you, is a betrayal of the utmost magnitude.  how could a mom possibly do that?  it seems to me that would be the hardest, very most difficult truth to deal with.  i'm so very sorry that happened to you.  she failed in her duty and responsibility to you.  of course that would be the hardest right now.

she betrayed a fundamental contract between a parent and a child.  basic.  intrinsic.  a core belief that you should have been able to count on.  instead, you ended up at the very opposite of the spectrum - hiding in pain and fear from her.

earth mother spirit wraps you in her voluminous skirts to embrace and comfort you through these trials of reality.  you are so brave, dearest el, so strong to have gone thru this kind of  experience and still survived with such a caring heart and sweet soul.  much love to you.

Thank you dear San.  :hug: :hug:

It is good to know someone understands the layers. Sorry that you have gone through so much

I am also glad to hear you see the work I am doing as all of those things, it validates the things I am feeling with all of this. The exhaustion and pain that comes from this process.

Your insight with my mom is very appreciated. I think there is definitely truth to this, and it helps me understand why I am struggling with it so much right now. I have never fully felt these things, or let myself recognize the harm she did. I never let myself feel the need for a mom I didn't have, or feel the pain that comes along with having a parent that betrayed that core belief. I needed a mom and never actually had one in the ways a girl needs.

My mom could have saved me from other abuse, but she nev r did because she was busy also doing the abusing. It is a hard fact to come to terms with.

Thank you for seeing my caring heart and soul.. and the strength that it took to keep it through everything.  Love to you

Earth mother spirit is such a comfort to me, as are you my dear friend. I am so lucky to have you in my life  :hug:

In therapy yesterday I had a realization that was difficult for both myself, and my T (she showed a little bit more in her eyes than she usually does. It wasn't bad but I could see just a glimpse)

My inner child, the ten year old version or ego state, was our main focus and has been for a few weeks. Dealing with some of her fears and self blame. There was a moment where my T asked if the little girl would have chosen differently if she was given a choice between her experience harm, and no one experience harm. Instead of the "choice" between her experiencing harm and others experiencing harm. We use the term choice very loosely obviously...

Realization came that she would have chosen to experience the hurt. That by ten I believed so fully that I deserved it, and that there was no other way that I would have continued to have been hurt rather than no one hurt at all. I was by ten so deeply lost.... I had so much self blame, hate, and just this belief that the world could never be any different for me. Seeing that little girl in so much pain and to realize that was difficult.

Now it is my job to help that little girl heal, and not feel that way anymore. It is just a realization that stuck with me

Standing with you, E.

Thank you. Having someone with me through this is so beyond helpful. I am grateful for it more than I can fully communicate

Changed my quote it comes from something I found online, here is the entirety:

"it's not your fault and you aren't less than enough. You aren't what they did to you. You aren't the person that grew up all crooked and bent under the pressure of what happened to you. You aren't the awkwardness that came  from being stepped on and over-pruned. You are the spirit that survived. You are the deep roots that continued to grow beneath the surface even when you were outwardly rejected.

You are the life that went on despite being mowed over time and time again. You are the beauty that remained, waiting patiently for the right time to bloom. And now, because you held on even when the world turned away, your strength and compassion are the kind that know no end. You, my dear, are so much more than enough.

You are exceptional- because you survived, because you beat the odds, because you are a warrior, a self taught healer, and because now you have become a beacon of hope for others who suffered like you"

Cristen Rodgers

Really beautiful :hug:

and there's your earth mother spirit shining outward, el.  yes, beautiful.

Thank you both  :hug: It really struck me today as something I needed to have read, and that other people could gain from as well.

San, is it odd I always get so excited when you mention my earth mother spirit coming out? Like it is a compliment of the highest order for me. It always makes me smile, and have more hope for myself when you mention that side of me is showing. I have hope that I can be that earth mother spirit much like you are  :hug:

you already are, dearest el.  you know it's there, you can feel it, you've been able to relate to it when i've mentioned it.  the more you use it, be with it, the stronger it will get.  it's an intrinsic part of you that you didn't know was there, but as soon as someone else mentioned it, you recognized yourself as well.  i'm smiling for you.

warm, loving hug to you sweetie.

That has made my morning. It is just about 10a.m. here and I am already smiling  :) Thank you for mentioning her to me, so I could find that part of me. It has resonated for me since the first time I saw you write about it.

Sending lots of love and warmth to you  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on November 29, 2017, 09:13:54 PM
Realization came that she would have chosen to experience the hurt. That by ten I believed so fully that I deserved it, and that there was no other way that I would have continued to have been hurt rather than no one hurt at all. I was by ten so deeply lost.... I had so much self blame, hate, and just this belief that the world could never be any different for me. Seeing that little girl in so much pain and to realize that was difficult.

Now it is my job to help that little girl heal, and not feel that way anymore. It is just a realization that stuck with me

Hope I'm not too late to give you and if possible that poor little 10 year old girl safe  :hug: :hug:

Blueberry, you are definitely not too late. That is a wound that will take me, and that ten year old a long time to process. Your warm, safe hugs are so greatly appreciated.   :hug: :hug:

Tomorrow is the day we find out if my ex gf is going to have to come back to the states. I know I will find out one way or the other, but part of me really has no desire to know. I have no desire to take the emotional hit that either answer will put me through. I forsee two reactions:

1. She gets to stay, and I fully have to grieve her. I have done a decent amount of grieve but I know this would probably open a fresh batch of that emotion.

2. She gets denied and I have to decide what to do. I have to deal with the fact she will likely b e in the same city as me. I have to then decide if I can actually be the friend I want to be with her, without hurting myself. I have to figure out what to do, and hold back the parts of me that will feel guilty for holding her at a distance. This will bring a giant mix of emotions, rather than the singular one that would come from the other scenario.

Either way I am feeling myself start to emotionally prepare for tomorrow.

Today I have my own agonizing waiting game. I have sent my emails for the paperwork I need for graduate school applications. I have to wait until the business office clears me before I can do anything. If they do not clear me, I do not get to even apply to school. My work ends there until next year at least. So I am hoping and praying (although I am not generally a praying type maybe it will help..) that they will release my transcripts. So here I sit and wait for two sets of news that will affect both the next few months, and the next year.

My anxiety is obviously high. My perfectionism, and fear responses are definitely active in me as well. I realize if I was a normal person this would still be the case but with my cptsd these responses are heightened. I will try to burn off energy tonight and to keep my inner littles calmer because I know there are parts of them that are affected by the stress adult me goes through with all of this.


I know this because some of my nightmares have returned. I managed to have two last night that were similar to some I used to get as a teenager. Both involving ridiculously terrifying car wrecks, and my own death. I wake up in an instant, shooting out of bed with my heart racing and not knowing entirely where I am. Feeling like that death in my dream was real until I am almost violently jerked back to the world of the waking. 

Hey Elpha, it's tough when there are unpredictable changes in life, especially with Cptsd.  :hug:

I've had stressful times when I was waking up before too. I felt like I was waking up to a nightmare. Waking up, I'd forget for a few seconds the pain of my life from drowsiness but then have a sudden crushing realization that this horror is still real.

I hope you and your little ones would be alright.

See you.

Thank you Decimal  :hug: My littles and I did surprisingly well yesterday

fingers crossed and prayers flying, el, for those transcripts. 

best to you with what might happen with your ex.  i'm hoping for the least pain and distress for you.  tough decisions to make.

earth mother spirit embracing you to calm and soothe you as you go thru such emotional waiting games.   big hug filled with warmth and love, sweetie.

Thank you for that. I won't know until Monday now, as they decided not to answer their emails. It is seriously hurting my motivation to get eveyrthing done.  :fallingbricks:

My ex got her visa, which means not hard decisions to come. Had it gone the other way I would have been put in several more difficult situations. So less hard decisions now.

Definitely trying to take in the soothing, calming essence. I need it  :hug:

 :bighug:

Hugs are so needed, thank you  :hug:

This is a really lengthy journal,  and in light of new developments it is probably time for a new one anyways. Once I figure out the goal for the next year I will have a better chance naming and starting the new one.

I am not able to go to graduate schoop next fall because I am not even able to finish the applications. Now this particular reason is not in my control really. So I am trying to decide how best to keep moving forward.

For the next few days i think that is allowing myself to process and just breathe. Maybe pick up a book just for fun, and try to spend time finding some peace in this.

After than I will find a new plan of action. I feel like I need to have some sort of purpose or game plan. That may be taking more time to focus on my healing journey, and then chasing after grad school next January.

I will probably still move in the fall. I have wanted to see new places, and one od my friends has said she would love to have me along because she also wants to move. So I think leaving this place will still be in store for me by August just not for schools.

I am trying to take this as a good thing. To be able to silence the ICr that is so harshly judging me on this. To be able to see past some of the perfectionism and old voices.

Not really sure where to go from here, but I will go somewhere

yes you will go somewhere, probably exactly where you need to be.  sorry grad school didn't work out for you this time, but i think it's great that you took such a pos. philosophical look at it - well, that's what you do, isn't it?  philosophy?  and, you may be completely right about the time being used for other purposes.  you'll find your way.

i give you a lot of credit, el, for holding it together like this, dealing with it so well.  it shows a lot of maturity and growth.  well done, sweetie!   big hug full of warmth and love.

Thank you dear. My post last night (under just having a rough day) was not so positive. There have been a great deal of tears and emotions to go with this. Today's post comes from a place of strength and courage that I have had to work to get to.

I wish this maturity and calm outlook was my first reaction. It has come after two days of looking for it.

I do philosophy, you are correct. Thank you for remembering that. Hopefully I will continue to do it, but I am nervous this will change that

this time it only took 2 days.  i'd bet that in your past it has taken you longer than that.  that's progress, sweetie. 

hoping for the best for you, always, no matter what changes and challenges may be around the corner for you.  could this be a time for creativity?  anything's possible.  loving hug.

You are very correct. Two days is much less time than it used to take me to get over setbacks, especially this large. Thank you for pointing out my progress. I forget that is important

Creativity may be necessary here. I am not entirely sure where to start but I will.

Things don't always work out, but you can still do something about them. And you are, Elpha. And it's nice that you're giving yourself a break before planning the next move. . . Sometimes to heal, we just need a breather.

Thank you. It has taken strength to allow myself to do that. Although I am starting to feel better.  :cheer:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 04, 2017, 09:55:51 PM
this time it only took 2 days.  i'd bet that in your past it has taken you longer than that.  that's progress, sweetie. 

:yeahthat: Totally.  :hug:

I made giant progress today in therapy. We have been doing a blend of ego state and emdr. It is interesting to reprocess these things with the younger versions of myself. For almost a month these sessions have revolved around processing with the ego state (or little) that is about ten. She holds my self blame and a great amount of fear. It is her who holds most of my issues with my FOO. It is her that is so terrified of anger, and it is her that has had such self blame. She is the one that holds onto the old feelings of worthlessness, or just in general being bad.

With this we have been hitting some really deep things. It has gone a bit to far before, but we are finding a balance within session now. Keeping it in window of tolerance, where I do work but don't go too high. I am glad my T has really made an effort to help find this balance in session. She is beginning to read me better, just as I am.

I found a state of calm and peace today towards the end of session. Like one that I have very rarely ever felt. Certainly a feeling that ten year old had never felt before. I could calm that inner child, and in turn it calmed me. I could remember some scary things, and then go back to  re-envision them with adult me there helping younger me. It made a scary memory less scary. I got to let that little girl curl up in my arms and feel protected. I got to be the adult that could help her, she finally had an adult that helped her. It created a few breakthroughs for me. I found myself thinking that I have made progress finally. This is more tangible than other things. I know not all sessions can be like this but I think this will open a new window for me.

At the beginning I did talk about not being able to apply to grad school this year. She echoed some of what I have heard. Pointing out that maybe it is just the world saying "not yet". Not it saying never. That it is a not right now. She also, after me saying something about it being a sign I wasn't mean to have that, said that maybe it is simply just a sign that I can focus on recovery right now. That maybe it would be too much for me right now, and that the world is letting me heal more first. I had thought about that before, but it helped to have that repeated back to me.

I am feeling more hopeful than I have been. I am still not entirely sure what I want but I think I am starting to figure that out.

Really struggling with an ef this afternoon. Positive thing is that I recognized it really quickly after it started happening. It is allowing me to think a bit through it. To recognize the child that is so triggered in me right now, and try to pinpoint what emotions I am going back to. I am able to try to figure out what it is I am back in. I haven't figured it out but we will see.

This happens at work pretty frequently. My profession at the moment is not really good for theses, as it is high stress and basically guaranteed that I will run into a crappy person at least once a day that is at least mildly mean or beyond stressful.

I am getting better at not going into a full ef every time, but these still hit me sometimes. I find myself back in the overwhelmed feelings of fear, stress, and just back into shame land. It is like being that kid again with the flood of emotions. With my current work in therapy I can start to recognize these emotions rather than being completely knocked by them.


Trying to get this to go away in the few hours I have for break between shifts today is a challenge, but I want to get to go back into work completely on top of my game. I will really need it tonight, or I will exist In this place all night

Quote from: Elphanigh on December 06, 2017, 09:19:42 PM
I am getting better at not going into a full ef every time

Yay, great progress!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Good luck for this evening to be as best through EF as you can.

Thank you!  :hug:

el, that sounds like a dynamite session you had, all the protectiveness and nurturing you were able to give your little 10-yr. old is so sweet and solid at the same time.  i'm so very glad for you that it worked out so well.  what an accomplishment.

i love what your t said to you about 'maybe it's just not for right now', that there's something else that such a space of time can be used for to your benefit.  i know you'll work it out, and it'll be just right.

warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.  you done good!

Thank you so much, dear! I love someone celebrating the wonderful session and accomplishment with me.  :hug: That whole session was really powerful for me, including her idea of just not right now. It has really helped me start to look and form things.

Haven't posted in my journal in a while. I have been busy working, and When I am not doing that I am recovering from the long exhausting hours.

Therapy is today, afternoon my lunch shift. Hopefully it is a helpful session full of insights. I want to look into what I am feeling towards my niece and towards going home. I have had a harder time trying to figure out where those feelings are coming from. They don't feel like they fit the little (ego state) that I have currently been doing so much work with.

I have been able to use the image of comforting my little to calm myself at times this week. It doesn't always work but there is something about that image is helpful to parts of me.

I tried to start to connect to my six year old self. The version that is confused, and hurt. I described her as holding all of my good, and innocence. She was sweet, naive, and kind. It was hard to feel that confusion and loss for words again.. there was a point I think I was almost actually her, I felt like I was. I felt that confusion anew, I lost my ability to find the right words or almost words at all.

Thankfully my T handled that very well, without even a second thought I think. She was able to say what that six year old needed to hear, and switch back and forth with me as needed. I really have gotten lucky.

Little me had to hear a hard truth today, when she asked why. The answer was because people were bad,and they wanted to hurt people. That there are people in the world who do just want to hurt people. They said they loved me to trick me, so I would do what they wanted. Some people are just bad and mean.

We say it in little kid talk to help that little six year old start to make sense of what happened to her. Adult me knows, but there is that piece of me that hasn't grown yet. She still holds confusion and just a lot of hurt. Not understanding the world that was around her.

Going into that next week will be a large thing to tackle, as I didn't fully get to go into it this time. Just brushing a surface

and what a surface to brush, sweetie.  that's huge stuff, and you are so brave to be going after it.  you really are.  it takes a lot of guts, and i give you all kinds of credit.

yeah, unfortunately, there are bad, mean, nasty people in the world who want us to believe they love us just so they can manipulate us to do what will serve them best.  i have a lot of neg. feelings towards them.  i'm so very glad your t is walking this path with your darling little 6-yr. old you the way she is.  she and you are so very precious, and it sounds like your t is being so very careful cuz she knows how precious you both are.  that's so wonderful.

you're doing it, el.  even with your work, those long hours, everything else that's been on your mind, you continue to move to where you need to go.  sending a big hug filled with caring, mounds of support, and love to you.

My dear, you always have a way with words that makes me feel like I am truly doing something wonderful. They are always such a comfort to me. Really truly you and my T are similar in a lot of ways, not in like a weird sort of way, just in the same kind of caring individual kind of way. You both exude something I can't  quite explain.

My T is walking this path with me so very well. She has taken such care with ten year old, and fourteen year old me (the ones we have been working with for a month or two).it was good to start to let her all that with six year old me. She is very careful with me and my inner little one, to an extent that it makes me feel safe enough to let myself feel vulnerable. I mean I let myself feel that confusion and hear her words speak to this little one today. I am thankful she is helping me walk this journey.

Thank you for recognizing how much I have on my plate, and how much it means that I am still choosing to do this work. It is a battle that I work with every day.. it feels good to have it recognized.

Lots of loving hugs back. I need them tonight. Honestly think I will sit in earth mother spirits flowing skirts tonight, feeling the warmth and encouragement that you have always brought with her.

Honestly my T has gone to asking if I want a hug after each session, I know that may not be the by the book way to do it, but it certainly helps me.

Thinking about going on medication again, just to help bring me down a few notches. My T and I have talked about it off an on for a while, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I think I want to try though. It would be nice to bring my anxiety level down, and to help dull the triggers just a little bit. We talked in session today, about it helping the process at least at first to not have such strong reactions, we could work on this stuff without as much caution if I was down a few notches.

Not at all how she phrased it btw, hers as eloquent and less odd sounding. Also more an explanation of what it has done for people, and could do for me. That it was totally up to me and I was handling well, but that it could help. I have been thinking about it anyways and my nightmares coming back really does make me want to.

Now I just need to get past the anxiety and make the phone call to make an appointment :/ I hate making calls, especially this type. Welcome to the circle of my anxiety.... neeed to make the call to get help, can't make the call because of the thing I need help with.  *sigh*

i understand what your t is saying about meds being able to dull down the explosiveness of triggers just a notch so you can more easily get through the underbrush that may be troubling you on this path.  they can be helpful for that. 

i'm not trying to talk you into anything, el.  i just know it can be helpful for some people.  for some, maybe not.  it's up to you, and i support any decision you make.  sometimes it can be looked at as a temporary thing, just to get you over a big bump in the road.  sometimes the side effects make that bump feel bigger.

whichever way you choose to go, earth mother spirit is with you, giving you the strength you need to do what you feel is best for you.  lots of love and hugs, you dear el.

It is good you understand what she is trying to say as well. It would just get me through some of this with less intensity, making this a bit easier to handle. Then once we got the initial round of things done and got them all to s lower base level I could go back to doing it off meds. It does sound like something that might be helpful right now. I feel all of this at such a high level that being down a notch or two could really help this be more effective.

Also with the way work has been,I am constantly sitting up super high in my anxiety. It would be nice not to have to fight it as much. I don't need like a major downer, just something to mellow me a bit. Give me a better baseline. I have always been apprehensive with medication but this one makes sense. It would be nice to have the extra bit of help.

I don't want to feel like I am caving, or not capable though. Which I know my T recognizes. It is why she is so careful to really emphasize she supports either decision like you just did as well.

I am conflicted to say the least. I shouldn't be, but I am. I probably deserve the extra little bit of help, and shouldn't think of it as caving... it is strong to accept help. I also would still be doing the work, just with a bit less edge to it so I could go deeper. Idk.. I want to but there are old voices telling me all the things I used to tell myself about meds. Things I know better than now, but things that are hard to ignore entirely

Thank you for supporting my choice either way. I need the strength that she is giving to make the right decision.. either way I go I am given some downside to combat. I have to decide which is more worth it.

I miss sleep so much... I either don't sleep (have been trying to sleep for the better part of two hours), or when I do I have nightmares.

I know my T said the nightmares are a sign of progress even if they don't feel like it. The fact they are ones like wha it had when I was ten means that I have really made strides at integrating that part of me. This show s in the fact she is sharing more with me, that those parts of more present... but that is meaning more nightmares for me. I haven't have this type in years..

I have always had nightmares but they have changed as I aged. Getting the ones that I had when I was ten or so is really not fun. Like reliving some of my bigger fears. I was so haunted by nightmares as a kid, I mean in adulthood as well, but as a child they are more terrifying .

I know this is progress but it is a terrible way to show it.

Part of me is in child mode, I recognize that. It is such a desperate longing for proper sleep and rest. I just miss sleep.. I am always in a state of exhaustion now 

.

Yes, progress can be pretty painful. Especially when you can't sleep enough. Everyone needs their rest, and without it we all can be a mess. I know I can get like this when I can't take enough of a break.

:hug:

That's how I feel. I want to just take a few days off and rest. However, I don't get that option right now, so I am just hoping to get enough sleep eventually. I am trying everything I can

i wish you could, too, sweetie.  sounds like you're now getting ready to have some of those 10-yr. old realizations come to your consciousness.  it just sucks that it has to be so painful, frightening, to get to that point.  sitting with you, earth mother spirit enfolding you to soothe and calm your mind for just one good night's sleep. 

wish i could do more, make time for you for some much needed sleep.  sending a hug full of concern and love.  sleep my child, and peace attend thee.

I so wish I could. I am off work tomorrow but I need to make some stressful phone calls and clean my apartment. It often resembles mt mental state which right now is cluttered and messy.

I hate that nt first instinct is that I don't want anymore of those realizations.. they are kicking my tail.  I know I want and need them on a different level but my first reaction today is to run and hide. I hate having so much of this come back, and the spike in all of this in order to get the better realizations. 

It is exhausting and painful to put myself back through these. I just want to be able to sleep again.. without nightmares and having to battle to get to sleep.

I will return to your response here when I try to sleep this evening. Trying to envision the earth mother spirit trying to calm me to sleep for just one night.

You do so much by just being wuth me through this. I am ao grateful you are with me through part of this journey. I am not sure what I would do without your kind and encouraging words.

Work was full of stressors and reminders of why I just can't get myself to wind down or rest. I have a few hours to try to do just that before I ave to go back. I just want to run and hide..l go home and curl up. Well not even home really... I need somewhere different. Safe, peaceful, not full of reminders of things that need done or my inability to just get simple things done. Honestly I haven't had enough energy to properly clean dishes or laundry... it is horrible, but i say I am going to do it and then I ome home completely drained or my anxiety is riding so high that all I can do is try to do self care that will help take me down a few notches... it is frustrating I can't get those simple things done

At work it looks like everything is okay, I am on top of things.. but my small apartment really reflects the exhaustion and disarray I am feeling

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 13, 2017, 02:28:46 AM
and what a surface to brush, sweetie.  that's huge stuff, and you are so brave to be going after it. 

:yeahthat: It bears repeating: you are so brave! It sounds as if you are making a lot of progress, just being able to keep going, processing all this and getting in touch with little Elphanighs. Just keeping going is huge!

I know all too well about not wanting any more realisations. No wonder, who'd want all this pain? Who'd want their 6 year old to realise that some people including those close to one are actually bad and hurt this little 6 year old?

You sound safe with your T and in good hands. I'm happy for you, that's so important.  :hug:

Thank you Blueberry  :hug: I needed to see that again, more than I can explain really. To be reminded how much I am doing.

I feel like my mental illnesses are winning. Like the combination of them is winning the battle today, not forever but definitely today. It is really such a defeated place to be.

Thank you for being able to put to words why those realizations were something I didn't want. I couldn't fully come up with the correct ones.

My T is very safe, and I am so grateful for her. She is wise, and able to see thing before I can voice them. I trust her more than I ever have a T. I am in good hands, thankfully

There are definitely days that are going to be a lot more difficult than others. Days where there isn't as much energy, hope, relaxation or warmth than the others. I agree with Blue here,  I admire your courage to push through something so stressful and so exhausting.

It's really something to see something so horrible clearly. As if you were in a dark cave all your life and once you went out, the sun has been blinding your fragile eyes. But there's a world out there to explore, once your eyes can handle the light.

The tough days are happening more often recently. I am just wearing out, I guess. Thank you for admiring my courage, I forget that it is courageous. It is good to hear reminders of that when I am feeling so low.

Your analogy is pretty impressive. Thank you for putting it that way, it helped me


Today has been particularly difficult. I have felt like my cptsd is winning, although my anxiety disorder is doing more than winning today. It has been taking over for week s and it has finally accomplished that. I am hoping I can start to turn that around. I want to feel better, to feel like I am not losing

I spent today away from my own space, and on a friend's couch. She is a calming spirit for me, and I for the first time in forever relaxed a bit. We just watched some shows and vegged on the couch. Did some good chatting with her as well.

This has meant that my house is still dirty, and phone calls aren't made. I am fighting off the guilt for this, to try to maintain the peace that I have started to find. I also have an ambien that I can take tonight to sleep. One good night of sleep could make a world of difference, so I will take it in hopes to create one. There is some guilt there as well, but I need to not feel that.

I keep trying to play reminders in my head that self care is good, and important. To remind myself as I have been told by many people that we do self care because we are worth it. I am posting here as that reminder, and to be in a community that can understand how hard simple things like dishes can be. I am trying to not feel like my mental illness is winning, but that is a hard shift for my mind.

Had a second therapy session today, kind of an emergency session to help me bring myself down a few notches. It worked very well, the anxiety ha come back but not nearly as strong today. I guess I triggered little me unintentionally on Tesday and hadn't realized it. I started talking about my abusers more specifically, and that they were bad. I have been talking more about my family and just surface feelings than I have my other abusers.

My T is very careful with me to keep me focused in session, and only let me drift a bit when it is something that I need. I have been processing things outside of my sexual abuse, there are many things to be processed and they are some layers that hav been easier to confront that some of the worst would be. I think it is the tactic my T is using to slowly guide me down that road, get me a little more settled before getting into the worst of my past.

Part of me wishes I was more capable right now. I wish I was stronger, that I was more resilient.. I know that I am strong and resilient because I wouldn't be here otherwise, but I will that I had a few more ounces of strength. I know I was forced to become stronger than anyone should be from a young age, but I want to be stronger. Like just a few more ounces of strength and bravery might help me.

It might help me not be so affected, it might help me be able to dig deeper and withstand more. I got bad again last night, had to call into work, and have an extra therapy session. I am not digging in deep enough for it to be this difficult. I just want to be stronger, more capable of healing and defeating this demon

Hey, there.

Resilience is something that's made, not born with. It takes time. I've read all kinds of books, and one thing I've learned when people try to gauge other's resilence when they bring them into their team as a coach, manager, personal tutor or anything similar is that many don't judge them by their current state, but their potential. What these people could be rather than what they are right now.

It's how much they grow and put effort into things over time. They are people out there who do well at their current state, but never really try to improve themselves and so grow in the long term. But you? You're doing so much to grow.

The best ingredient to resilience I've learned in creating resilient systems in my nerdy research (which includes people) is its ability to change. The world is changing, and people have to adapt to that change. And you're doing what you can to evolve.

It's not perfect, but that's a sign of resilience growing in you. And it's worth it to keep fanning the flame.

Take care, Elpha.

Thank you Decimal. I really appreciate it. It made me smile and have hope I will learn to be a bit better at all of this. Your words are encouraging, and I greatly appreciate tha t

QuoteI am not digging in deep enough for it to be this difficult. I just want to be stronger, more capable of healing and defeating this demon

Sorry, I must disagree with you here. You must be digging deep, because you are having difficulty. When the digging gets tough for me, it's sometimes a sign I'm coming up against some resistance in myself, or maybe I just need a mini vacation from thinking about it all.

You are strong, and getting stronger.

Three roses, honestly I am kind of glad for someone to disagree with me. It is probably good to have someone point those things out. Makes me think about how I am minimizing some of what I am putting myself through right now. I may not be completely there but you disagreeing gives pause to me.

Honestly after last night I need to post here but I am not sure what to post. I am just exhausted. As a nerd one line comes to mind "You haven't seen a * orphan in more need of a break" not all that applies but his exhaustion in that moment of the musical fits. It is better to relate this exhaustion to something i love.

The thoughts of pills have passed, it will be something that comes and goes I guess. Really I hope it isn't but it probably will be for a time. I am hopeful that after the holidays I will start to feel less exhausted and struggle less.

earth mother spirit    :bighug:

rest, take a break, you are doing all you need to do, are as strong as you need to be.  this stuff gets messy, makes us messy, but that is not a sign of weakness but of strength.  the battle rages on and you are thrusting yourself into its midst.  how much stronger could someone be than that?!

love to you, sweetie.

San, I am desperate for rest... but it neve seems to come not matter how hard I try to make it happen
I have a second shift at work in twenty minutes and I feel like being sick. I know I am in and out of a dissociated state, I am dizzy and can feel the panic start to rise in my system. I am so scared that this won't pass... I am in desperate need for it to. I am not sure how much more my strength will last.

At this point I am spending energy and strength I just don't have. I am entirely spent but haveing to dig and produce more strength or energy out of nowhere.. I haven't felt this in need of rest, sleep, comfort, anything of that sort in a long time.  :fallingbricks:

maybe calling in sick to work would be a good thing.  just have some time for yourself, do or not do whatever suits you.  don't fight it, just let yourself be.  you've earned a rest, some soothing, comforting calm for yourself.  you've just gone thru some traumatic realizations and triggers - sounds like they became overwhelming.

standing right beside you, el - you're not alone.  lean on me, lean on everyone here.  we're holding onto you.  see you on the porch later - tea and sympathy, lovely weather, cozy blanket, warm, loving friends.  love and caring to you.

I called in sick last Friday, and have given a few shifts away this week. Since I had already been in this morning I couldn't call in tonight. I am home now going to rest. I am off tomorrow, need to Christmas shop, clean, and then have a social engagement. Somewhere in there I will find rest. Time for myself is essential tonight and tomorrow. It is my last day off before seeing my foo on Monday. It feels like they have become overwhelming just by my bodies reaction to it all.

San, I will lean as much as I can allow myself. Don't take too much on though, you too are carrying a lot of stuff. It brings me comfort to think of all of you helping hold me up. There is strength in remembering I am not alone. Thank you my dear. I will see you on the porch, all of that sounds wonderful. Lots of love, and hugs if that is okay

Ill be thinking of you - think I'll go down to the Healing Porch and play a tune on my guitar for you....

Thank you, Three Roses. Your playing is so beyond appreciated. It is so sweet of you, and full of the caring I need right now. Being essentially on my own in challenging in times like these because I don't have anyone to do the simple caring things for me. So the energy you, San, and the rest of this forum give is a life saver for me. It lends to some healing and keeps me pushing forward. I feel less lost because of you.  :hug:

It's a nice act of self care to give yourself some rest. Externally, it may seem lazy to others, but internally, there's a lot of strength needed to fight the urge to keep working. There are forms of progress and growth that can't be easily seen after all, but they really are there.

You're doing a good job, Elpha. Take care.  :hug:

Decimal, thank you for such a reminder. I have really taken it to heart today. Doing some real self care after finally finding some sleep is amazing. Hoping this will start to reverse everything I have been feeling

i hope so, too, sweetie.  big hug.

Thank you dear. Your hugs are always so wonderful 💜

I have finally found some sleep, and with that some strength. Well may not found strength, as much as I have a bit more energy to use the strength that always resides in me. With this strength has come some tears. I didn't cry for a few weeks, but I have found my way to tears twice today. They are healing tears, ones that are trying to help release some of everything that has been ailing me. Recovery is so much harder and more complex than I had imagined. It presents more to contend with than I ever realized was possible. It hit me unrepared because I had this illusion that I was better than I actually was.

I see now, as the new year looms, that this one has been full of challenges and I will face the new ones hopefully more prepared in this coming year. There is a great deal of pain, among other emotions, that I need to face and try to embrace. I wasn't prepared for just how much that would take, or for how strong those things were. I have come a long way but the road ahead seems so much longer.

The last week I have gotten to reconnect with two old friends of mine. About two years ago no one would have imagined that anything could tear us apart, but there were many things that did. It is good to clear the air and start to have them back in my life again. So here I am trying to move forward with them as well. It seems that we are all growing, hopefully back together in a way.

I am scared to go home for Christmas and lose myself in all the reminders, and the things I have always had to do to survive there. I think I am stronger than that though. I know more than I did a year ago when I was in that space. It will take me leaning on some people but I am determined to stay more true to things I have been working on while I am there

hey, el, your strength and resilience are remarkable.  this realization of what it takes to recover, the pain, the losses, the emotions, the complexities, what you are looking forward to - maybe that's why your t told you this may be a year to focus on what you're going through, having the time and energy to slog thru the muck of recovery.

i'm glad for your tears.  i had some the other week, took me a minute to realize they were for me and what i've gone thru this year.  yes, healing, while being draining at the same time.  i can so relate.

best to you for getting thru the holidays.  remember, earth mother spirit will be with you to give you added strength, composure, clarity, and stamina as you face those reminders.  warm, loving hug coming your way, sweetie.

Awe, San, you are wonderful my dear.  :hug: It is always amazing what you see in me. I think my T was on to something when she said that. I will be needing to focus on many things but recovery will need to be the priority, some self growth is what I need. That strength and resilience you see in me will be so essential I think.

I am glad you found tears for yourself too. You deserve them, as much as I do.

Earth mother spirit will be so helpful, I will need all that she brings as I face this. It is only five days but that five days can be full of many things. Sending you warm , loving hugs as well  :hug:

*trigger warning* not major but FOO issues, and holidays

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I traveled all day, and have been awake for about 21 hours at this point. Dealing with people all day, and somehow I can't find sleep. Being home with my FOO is harder this year, swallowing back my comments or objections is more difficult.  I know it is because I have grown, and because I have truly started to recover but it is only day one of five and I am remembering why I only do this once a year. I remember why I worked so hard to get out of this situation and be independent.

I am grateful for my growth, but the reminders this place brings and the problems with my family are just so painstakingly large this time around. I know I will get through and that there will be good moments but I needed to post in a place where I feel like I am respected and heard. Here I am invalidated, made to feel like I can say or ask anything, that I can't question how things are... I feel like I can't think for myself without it backfiring here.

Posting in this safe space brings some of that voice and validation back to me. I know I don't lose it just because I am not getting it here, but it is difficult to be back in a space where I am forced to play small to survive without large fights and backhanded comments.

Sorry this was more of a rant than I intended *sigh* 😔

Sidenote: Will start a new journal I think when I am back from this place this one is super long (sorry mods, I write a lot....) this year brings a new journey I just need to decide how to frame it first

If validation is what you want, then validation is what you receive from me. You're doing your best. You're important. You're hurt and you need care. You've grown so much. You have support here.

Take care.  :hug:

Decimal, thank you so very much for all of those kind words. Exactly what I needed  :hug:

if that's exactly what you needed, el, then may i say 'ditto' to d.r.'s comments.

very interesting, isn't it, as we move forward in recovery, how we are able to see things more clearly, and, in your case, take care of ourselves more willingly, carefully, and with better understanding.  playing 'small' is a brilliant observation.  i think that hits the nail on the head.

hang tough, sweetie - hangin' right beside you the rest of the way.  big warm, loving, completely validating hug to you.

Thank you dear. Recovery is certainly interestingly. Seeing things more clearly isn't difficult but I am glad it means I have grown. That it bugs me to play small now, because I am so much bigger than I was when this was my life. I am trying to be observant and not judgemental with  with everything that comes up while I am here.

Good to have you with me. Hugs are always wonderful

Traveling back to my home today. Soon I will embark on the long 13 hours it will take me to get there. I have been in my childhood home with my FOO for a full five days. The first few were truly rough on me but the last few have been genuinely good. I think I stopped judging what was coming up, and was able to look past some of the bad to focus on the good. This trip has reminded me why I choose to stay away and not come back here, but it has also reminded me of what I am missing by being away.

This place will be so different the next time I come back, and quite frankly I will be just as different. Recovery has changed me, and will continue to do so I imagine. The next time I see this place I will be an aunt, and my B will have graduated high school. I am trying to come back in May but am not sure if that will happen or not, and if it is wise.

I do find myself a little sad to leave here. I think things are simple here, and in my "real" life they aren't. Things are understandable and that makes them easier. It is easy in a way to step ack into this world because it is known and normal. The life I am creating outside of this place is unknown and truly uncharted territory for me. Especially without the prospect of school next year I am a little lost and have no idea what is to come. I was going to plan for the new year and kick things off but I was struggling so much the few weeks before Christmas that it didn't happen. I understand why I struggled, and am trying to be kind to myself about it. I can plan and start when I am ready. Now that I have had a bit of a break this will come easier to me.

Either way I think I had some good oberservations while I was here. It wasn't easy but it was good in some ways. I need to decide how to go forward with them. In time I think that path will be a little more clear. For now I take the long travel back, and work for a couple of days

sometimes, i've found that as well.  some kind of connection with someone or some situation can help me remember why i moved away or stay away.  at the same time, there can be a sense of nostalgia about it.  still, when i put it all on the scales, they definitely balance out in favor of staying away.

i may not have known everything about why i left anything or anyone at the time, but the more i recover, the clearer it becomes.  yes, those people and situations are 'known', but, at least for me, they're not normal anymore.  abuse is not normal anymore.  feeling miserable is not normal anymore.  where i am now has presented challenges and adjustments, and it's been rocky and scary and unknown a lot of the time, but i can recognize as i write this that it's a period of transition.

i'm not where i was, but i'm not yet quite where i want to be.   transition.  i suspect that you, too, are in that type of place.  it's not fully known, but on some level, it's better than it was.  yes? or, maybe i'm off track here.  but, that's how it feels to me.

at any rate, i'm glad it ended up basically well for you.   that's not a bad thing, as long as you remember why you don't mingle with those people very often.   going into the new year, el, i wish you only the best.  warm, loving hug to you.  earth mother spirit continues to be with you through all the unknowns in the months ahead.

San, you are right on track my dear. I am definitely in that transition type space. The problem is I feel like I have been through about ten of those in the last five years. It leaves me feeling like I have lived in this weird transition period constantly for way too long and I am not about to get out of it.

My scales do balance for staying away, and they always have. The pull with my sister and my future niece I think is just making this time more difficult. I have a harder time with leaving that girl, and trusting that she will be safe. More than that I worry that she will grow up never knowing me, and that is difficult. I know it is better for me that I am away but I am always pulled to care for people

I left home about five and a half years ago, basically the second I could hop on a place. I have always wanted to travel and had dreams that took me away from the place I lived. I never wanted my families life, or anyone in the space I grew up in really. So hear I am waiting for my plan, on a recovery board, still trying to become what I am discovering is myself. I struggle more now with these decisions than I did as an 18 year old, but I think now I jut see the permanence of my choices. Part of growing up but I know I will forver be the distant relative. No one else left, and maybe no one ever will. So I will always b that one

Thank you for wishing me well in the new year. I have a lot of hopes but know I have a lot of work to do it. I want to make some major progress and I am going into the year knowing that it will take a lot to do so. Earth mother spirit is perfect and reassuring. I will need her as I try to figure out what the months ahead hold for me.

I wish you a happy new year too, Elpha. :)

I'm going through a transition period too. Getting out of the false ideas that caused me isolation from emotional neglect was healing, but somehow I still miss those times. I miss the feeling of achievement of being able to say I did things all by myself all the time — yet I know that I hated the pain of having no one to rely on more.

I guess some things that are seen as 100% bad or good are never entirely black and white. And when we sacrifice what is overall bad, we sacrifice what is good in that bad too. Growth can never come without some kind of sacrifice, it seems to me.

San says a transition phase, but to me, our entire lives are transition phases. There's always somewhere better to go to, and nearly everyone's trying to rush on too fast the next thing. So what I do is slow down to find the good in the bad now, and remember that I'll miss it someday. Maybe you'll be different, but, who knows?

Take care, Elpha.  :hug:

Thank you Decimal.  :hug: Sorry i was never fully able to respond to that. It resonated greatly with me


Feeling proud of myself this evening. I decided I wanted to jump full force back into my healing journey today. Initially I was concerned about my first therapy session back from holiday but it went well.

I feel like I could sit with my anger for the first time and feel some power in it, not just fear. There were moments it started to get too bug but I stayed calm and managed it in a healthy way.  We are processing with some versions of my inner child. My angry 13 year old has always been hard to deal with but i feel like I got to hear her out and make large progress.

Along side that anger I could start to sit with the anger that adult me owns as well. To not judge too harshly either thing

Thank you all for helping me on this journey! I don't know what I would do without this safe space

13-yr. olds are angry by nature, aren't they?  to me, those young teen years are transitions from being a child but not quite knowing who you are or want to be as an adult.  later teen years seem to me to be the practice time for becoming an adult.  we still need guidance, but we're just about at the age of being 'legal' for many adult practices (such as driving) and situations (such as making grown-up decisions.

your 13-yr. old seems to have a lot to be angry about, and i don't blame her.  thankfully, you have the time and space to work with her, help her get through that anger, and allow her to finally grow in a safe space at a safe pace.  13-yr. old bodies are changing in ways they don't understand, hormones and emotions are racing too fast to keep control of, and boundaries are being tested and pushed against all over the place.  they are a handful even to themselves.

i believe in you, el, and your ability to nurture her through it all.  she's had quite the struggle to make it to 13, and may even be pulled in two directions - she might want to go back to the childhood she should have had, as well as move ahead into the freedom and individuality of adulthood.  i'm don't know for sure, just a thought that came to mind.

whatever is going on with her, tho, i have no doubt you, the adult elphanigh, will be able to see her through to her next phase, healing, being cared for, and gently, lovingly guided.  it may be rocky at times for you both, but i have every faith that it'll come out just right.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.

I think the 13 year olds are certainly angry by nature. Mine just holds most of my anger in general. It is a little that has grown and experienced the bits of anger as I was growing as a kid. She is the one that holds most of it, so I didn't have to. Goodness knows she has so much to be angry about. I spent time in session listening to her tell me all that she felt angry about, to hear and remember how many adults messed up. I didn't have good ones often.

Thank you for believing in my ability to nurture and guide her. I believe it today thankfully. You ar ealso right when you say that part of her wants to go back to a childhood she should have had. This will be quite the journey forward

Walking with you in your journey,  dear E. 💪

Thank you Three Roses. I am beyond grateful that you are with me

I'm here with you too, Elpha.

I can agree that teens are going through a unique transition in life that can cause emotions like anger, considering that I'm being flooded with a lot of those teenage hormones right now. Eh, I manage. Heh.

I believe that you can care and nurture for your own 13 year old self. It looks like you're doing better these days to me. Making progress. Being able to be aware of her, to sit by her, and to just allow her to be there.

Best of luck to you and your 13 year old self. Take care.  :hug:

Decimal, I am glad you agree. It is also good to hear that you can tell I am doing better these days. I do truly feel like I am doing better. It is a comfort to be able to say that.  Here's hoping it continues  :hug: