The new journal for me - stage 2

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, that is truly a beautiful memory. It made me smile so much, it made my day. Thank you for sharing such a joyful time. It gives me hope, and is a perfect way to view our community I think. We are all so different, but here just to help one another keep going and be happy. It is a wonderful and rare thing. I am glad I can at all be a part of that with you here.

[sanmagic7]

what a great story!  i think that's called 'play', something we're not always very familiar or comfortable with.  i mean, so much of everything in our lives has been life and death serious, it seems.  to be able to play is a blessing.

one of my favorite games to play was hopscotch.  maybe we could draw a hopscotch pattern in the sand in front of your porch, and sometimes have a game.  the more the merrier.

as far as pushing you into the circle and surrounding you so that you can't run from what you need to face, count me in.  gentle pushes, of course.  i love your mirror analogy as well.  i have mentally done that from time to time during recovery, seeing what i've added, noting what i need, still, to take away. 

i'm getting more and more comfortable with who i am, but i have found during these past 2 months that i've reverted at times when my stress level is highest.  happily, i was able to talk about this with my daughter, and she's offered to point these times out to me when they happen.  i think that's a good thing, so they don't become habitual again just cuz i'm going thru a hard time.

wife2, i know you're with me all the way.  you were with me on my trip out of mexico - i could feel you and the others, and it really helped keep me strong enough to keep moving forward.  we are here for you in the same way because we want only the best for you, however that works for you.  big hug my dear sister!

[Elphanigh]

San and Wife#2 I would love to come play hopscotch with you. I too am really bad at play, and that is what that memory was. Maybe why it made me so happy to read.

I truly hope you can hold onto that. San I am also wishing you all the best on your journey as well. I am here for both of you 

[Wife#2]

Yes, we must have hopscotch.  Over there, away from the fire pit and far enough inland that the waves won't always wash it away. When the porch gets crowded, we can tumble down the stairs (ramp also available) to the sand and play hopscotch. There is a patch of sidewalk concrete we can use, too. For chalk drawings. Hopscotch is the favorite of my IRL granddaughter, too! Sometimes, if she didn't get bored before I got home, she could get me to play a round or two.

I call dibs on the purple chalk! And if you don't laugh at my stick people, look again. They're pitiful and that's just the way I like 'em. I call them 2D tragedy - not because I think they're awful, I know that, but because if some of what I've seen passes for art these days, my stick figures should draw six figures! Just saying.... Aw, come on, you know you want to at least SMILE. I am. In real life. That play memory has me still very aware of what I need to change, but one of those things is to introduce more play into DS9's life.

We need drink refills, I'll be right back with them.

Ok, a little stronger for the laughter. A lot stronger for the friendships. And a fun smile I plan to take home with me and not explain to anyone!

[Elphanigh]

I love this so much. You have added a smile, not only to your day, but to mine as well. I will take it home with me to. It will get me through the about 2.5 hours of work I still have.

We will learn and grow. It is so good to see you enjoying this. Nice to "see" you smile.

[Wife#2]

It's nice to 'see' other grownups who don't frown at the thought of play time and silliness and goofing.

That's what I needed, some intentional goofing! My day is made even better knowing at least one other person has a smile today, and that I had something to do with putting it there. And I didn't have to play appeaser or fawn to get it there. I just wanted to play! With friends!

[Elphanigh]

I love that there are other people that like to play too. Drawing with chalk was particularly appealing to me
Maybe I will spend some time coloring tonight, or playing with pastels. Could use some of that in my life

[alchemist]

Oh.  So did you make that post? NIce. 

[sanmagic7]

count me in on the smiles for today.  a place for chalk drawings!  yippe ai kai ay!!!  dueling stick figures - that's about my limit as well.  i want blue chalk, cuz i want to put blue in my hair.  one of these days i'll get it right.  have tried several times, but it just didn't take.  instead, i wear pigtails with non-matching bands, different earrings at the same time, plastic flowers in my hair, just for fun.  i don't think there's enough fun in the world, but we're sure adding some here.  lovin' it!!!  more smiling!

[Wife#2]

Oh, San - my daughter has very dark black hair. To get hers accented blue (for prom), she had to bleach it first, THEN put in the vibrant blue. I had to act a little shocked as the grownup, but my smile gave me away - it looked so cool! I admire her AND you for embracing individuality.

I like being the plain Jane that I am, it's good because it's who I am. Still, I've always been drawn to friends with flairs for the dramatic, willing to make a statement with dress or hair or accessories. My daughter also used to have quite large gages in her ears. Her new career isn't so understanding, so she's had to let them close up, but we have pictures to remember those days when....

Ahhh, seeing your posts, enjoying fun with each other, has made my day a great one.  Thank you, everyone!

[Elphanigh]

San and Wife#2, I love colors in peoples hair too. I once put a teal under shadow in my hair, it was the best! My job now is not so wonderful so I had to change it. However I used to dye my roommates hair an ombre into this really bright blue, was super fun. Also did lavender for a time.

San depending on what color your hair is you will want to bleach it. There is a good way to do that without having to pay someone. You can get what is called a color stripper, it will get a lot of tint out of your hair (depending on color). If you want blue, buy the blue hued one. They have blue and purple normally. Then you can dye that section blue more easily. Wash it with cool water, warm water will make it go away so quickly. Also color safe shampoo is your best friend, they sell it anywhere basically.

I have a friend that keeps her whole head of hair blue and it is fabulous. I have always envied that freedom a bit. So definitely go for it. If you need more info on how to do it let me know 

[Wife#2]

Why do I resent when my family need me? I often love doing for them. I enjoy the feeling of connectedness and of purpose. Lately I have begun resenting it a bit.

In part, I think, because there is only so much time and so much of me to go around. I spend time with DS and hubby gets jealous and 'needs' me - for things he really can do himself. I spend time with H and DS interrupts as much as he can with 'needs' that he can fill himself (I'm thirsty - there's the fridge, pick what you want).

Meanwhile, I still have chores to do around the house, puppies to clean up after (because hubby still hasn't got them housetrained), and myself to tend. Yes, myself is still last on that list. And I do believe that is why the resentment. If I'm doing for myself, both males pout. Heck, they pout if they 'need' me and I'm doing one of my chores! But, they don't offer to do the chore for me, they just pout and ask why it's taking so long, when will I be done, because they need <fill in blank>.

I woke up in a sour mood this morning because, as all week, hubby woke me up in the middle of the night to tend to his dog - also not fully housetrained, but goes out about three times a night. His reason? He got her the first time, would I do this one? I reminded him that he is home ALL day, he can sleep in, he can nap, he can take it easy. I work outside the home. I have paperwork to concentrate on and given the market these days, I can't afford to make mistakes. I've told him all this before and asked him to handle his dog himself. Still, every night this week, he's asked ME to get up in the middle of the night and let his dog and sometimes also the puppies outside. It's taking a toll! I'm tired and grumpy and sick of hearing what they want from me.

And, it's father's day weekend. Hubby got me nothing for Mother's Day, but he wants something for Father's Day. Because he's not naming it, I can guess what he's after and he isn't going to get THAT. But, I also hate to assume. But, given conversations lately, he rarely gets that I have needs as well that he's not filling which make his discussions about HIS needs sound as a brass clanging in my ears.

What is most pitiful of all is that I get all resentful and sour and hubby will ask me what it is that I want and I'm afraid to speak up because I feel like once that floodgate gets opened, it won't be shut until I've hurt everyone's feelings. Because part of it would be all three males to get off their lazy backsides and do more around that house.

What follows is going to be a rant. This has nothing to do with healing and everything to do with complaining, so you may want to skip this, dear reader.

What do I want? I want someone else to sometimes:

* Clean the bathroom, including the sinks and toilets.
* Dust, including the curtains and front windows.
* Clean the windows.
* Wipe down the walls.
* Clean under the kitchen counters.
* Clean the kitchen cabinets.
* Throw out their junk that keeps getting piled up in the way.
* Put their junk back in the spaces we've decided together for their junk.
* Let me do the laundry, so it actually comes clean or shut up about 'clean' laundry smelling bad.
* Sweep and mop. - OK hubby does this, but he never washes out the mop, so everything is horribly dingy.
* Change out the tablecloth.
* Clean the stove eye protector basins.
* Let me institute a separate 'trash' can for recycling goods. Use it (I tried before, nobody would use it).
* Allow me to prepare healthier meals. Stop complaining or refusing to eat the healthier meal and eat junk an hour later.
* Allow me to finally begin using coupons - including not fussing about the cost of printer ink because it's money YOU didn't prioritize - hubby.
* Shut up about the brands I do choose. Unless you paid for a specific brand choice.
* Sit with me while I make out the grocery list, tell me what you want on the list. Or, shut up about what I get or don't get.
* Stop making pointed comments late in the evening, when I've finally settled in, about what you wish we had in the house. You had your chance during grocery list time. I'm not going out at 8:30PM to get you a sweet treat or a burger -  you should have eaten more at dinner time. And, if you're really hungry, we have some leftovers. Why don't you eat those, instead?
* If you're really in that much pain, see a doctor. If not, shut up! You are not the only person who has pain! AND, you're teaching our son to complain all the time over any little hurt.
* Build a healthy routine in this family. One that includes at least two, but better if three (and eating just before bed doesn't count) meals, regular baths/showers, brushing of teeth and hair (not just shaving it off when you get annoyed), time for us to come together without drama (hubby - yes, YOU bring the drama then complain about it), then time for us each to do our own things as well. A routine where each person, adult or child, knows what is expected of him/her and does it without making a production of it. (Ok, I'm guilty on this one lately as well - I'm tired, do you hear? Tired!).
* Do the * dishes when I cook! You sure as * expect me to do the dishes when YOU cook, even if the meal is cold though I'm home on time.

Playing with your hobby parts, doing hobby research on the computer and spending too much money on your hobby are NOT being 'busy'. They're being distracted from the REAL priorities in this family. You are the HEAD of this family, act like it! Not as a dictator, you're already good at that, but as an example of manhood, as a leader who teaches and raises up the next generation to lead in their turn. As a spouse who understands give AND take.

Wow, I'm pretty ticked off! I've been trying to step back and not be a control freak, telling them what to do while I'm at work. More and more, I'm coming home to a hubby who's frustrated because neither son will do ANYTHING to help around the house. Also, he's refusing to be the 'only one', which means NOTHING is getting done. Except laundry - which he overloads the machines so the clothes still stink because he puts towels used to clean up doggy pee in with other towels, DS's clothes and also sometimes my work clothes. And because part of him now accepts that the loads are full, we washes them twice. NOT the answer, but you can't tell HIM that. He swears this is how his Mama taught him. I doubt it, though I never met her.

All of the complaining he's been doing lately about not getting enough help around the house, I rarely sit down before 7PM and usually, lately, with one more chore to finish before bed. Then, to find out the dinner he cooked is cold (he cooked at 2:30 knowing I don't get home until 5:15), the clothes still stink out of the machine (and he's placed the basket where I usually sit, so I can't wait to handle it), the floor is covered in badly-cleaned-up pee puddles and poo stains (that I'll have to clean properly so I can walk in the house), and he's complaining about how much he did and how tired he is. But, can he get some later on?

       

Rant over. Time to get to work.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, your rant was much needed. I would help you with all of that if I was there, and have a talking with them both. I think you know that you need to prioritize yourself more, and that is why the resentment. That is good that you recognize it.

I understand you discomfort talking to your H about why you are angry. You should maybe make a small list of things that you want him to do while you are gone for the day. You did have a very long list, rightfully so, but maybe start with just a couple of things. Give him a list during the day. My mom used to to that after she had really bad issues with this. She would leave a few thigns like, clean the dishes or a certain couple of chores. Ask him to start dinner at 4:30 instead of 2. Kind of thing. Simple tasks.

I would just tell him, that it is hard to come home and do everything and still have time to enjoy with them and to relax for yourself. So you would like one or two things done while you are gone for the day. That you will leave a note for him in the morning and would appreciate it if he could get those done so you had time to do (fill in the blank). It may get some resistance but if he cares as he seems to because he does ask why you are frustrated, he will try to help a bit. Starting small is a good way to build a habit for him. It too a long time to get my dad to do those things, and some fighting but he does now do those things and I see an improvement in my mom from it a lot

[Wife#2]

You are so sweet, really. I just love hearing from you. Sometimes, just seeing that  you've responded helps me calm down and step back.

Notes don't work, because he is vision challenged - which is REALLY hard to believe when you know his hobby. But, he is going blind and has serious trouble seeing. That includes reading my handwriting. He can't, so he says. I've tried typing it really big. He swears he didn't see the note at all. I left it on the coffee pot. He swears it must have been blown to the floor by the ceiling fan. I mean really. These are discussions we've had.

Ok, I'm getting on a complaining rant. I have got to leave and work for a while to burn off some of this anger and frustration. Time to focus on clean, reliable numbers that make sense and are consistent.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, I am glad you find some comfort in my responses. I find the same in yours as well. It is always a good moment when I see you have responded.

That is a really difficult thing. Let me think on it, I will try to think of something that might work. Although it sounds like excuses are things he is really great at. I am sorry that he is.

I hope working with numbers will truly help you. I too am using work as an escape today. Working with property tax numbers and east coast accounts can be calming. Hugs to you