MelodieRose's Journal

[M.R.]

Thank you San and Decimal for the encouraging words.

So, my Christmas was alright. It was just my father and I which was nice, for me at least. He made a dinner for us (ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, green pudding salad, broccoli and cheese and then we had our choice of either pumpkin or cherry pie). We didn't have any presents or a big festive celebration. We just talked, ate and played games. I'm sure my grandparents are going to bring our presents to us from the family gathering we didn't go to.  So whenever they get home we'll be having a gift opening session. But, as much as both of us felt guilty not going, it was a nice low energy holiday.

I hope that those who are reading had a half way decent Christmas at least.

MR

[sanmagic7]

melodierose, you know, it sounds like quite a lovely christmas to me.  good food, good company, and i personally love playing games.  so, 3 checks to the good as far as i'm concerned. 

my christmas was great, thank you.  here's to many more that we enjoy, no matter what forms that may take.  big hug.

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, that's nice. I enjoyed a good low energy holiday too, spending much of it in solitude reading. It can be deeply relaxing to have a break that day even in the holidays. It's your own way of celebration after all, and that's valuable too.

[M.R.]

Post 10                                                                                                                                                                                                   December 28, 2017

I am glad that both of you had a good Christmas. I know how hard it can be for some. And thank you for being consistent in replying to my journal. It means a lot.

________

My last post was about Christmas, and as good as I thought the actually day was, the goodness hasn't translated into the rest of the week.  I realized how much I missed the big event my family makes out of Christmas. Especially when we sit in a circle and go round and round opening one present at a time. There is so much joy, laughter and happiness when we do that. Plus, it's just peaceful there which helps me calm down, and living in a big city where I am, doesn't have a lot  calm.

I've been in one heck of an emotional state the past week. I've been waiting for my grandparents to drop off our (my father's and my) presents from Christmas when they go home from up north. Well they haven't gone home yet. They have decided to stay up and spend time with family. And it's feels like they are purposely delaying to punish me for not sucking up and going up to Christmas. Yesterday it came to ahead and I told my father about it angrily which just started another argument. It seems like that's all we do. But he wants me to tell my grandparents when I talk to them next which could be today (Thursday Dec 28, 17). My imagination is going out of control and playing a whole scenario of me telling them, my grandmother telling me that she'll drop my presents back up north and me putting them in a pile in front of her and telling her that she can do that, but if she does, she's no better than my mother. And it hasn't even happened yet! My heads a mess. 

I tend to be one of the people that thinks a lot about New Year's Resolutions, but I didn't this year. I've been so busy and I have forgotten about the New Years. I've focused more on the appointments I have the 3rd and 4th. I'm going to be helping my grandparents again over New Years so it doesn't seem like a big thing anymore. The sad thing is that I have normally loved the whole New Year's celebration and this year it's just...okay, we're going into 2018. No excitement or anything. But, these past few days I have thought about what I want in 2018. And it's not a life changing resolution like losing weight or getting my life together. I just want to be more aware of 'me'. I've always looked towards my therapists and family for my answers and for things that will help me. The problem lately is that my therapist feels like she is wanting to be my friend instead of my guidance, and my relationship with my family is almost non existent from my side so I can't rely on them. It's not ideal to lean on someone that doesn't see the reality, but it's all I have so it will be what it will be.

There has and will be a lot going on, but this will probably be my last entry for a while since the wireless will be shut off in 3 days. Goodbye, for now.

MR

[Blueberry]

Good luck M.R.

[sanmagic7]

will be with you, wireless or no, no matter where you are, sweetie. 

i think looking into 'you' is quite life-changing.  it sounds like taking charge, empowering yourself, being your strongest self no matter who or what gets in the way.   i think it's a brilliant way to begin a new year.

sorry about the whole presents thing.  i hope they're not doing it to spite you. 

also sorry that your t is sort of letting you down.  you may want to talk to her about it, how you feel, what it seems like to you, and what you actually need from her, which is not another friend.  i hope you get the results you need.

so, if i don't hear from you for a while, i do hope things work out for the best, that you'll eventually get your wireless back, and we'll see you here again.  even not being 'connected', remember that the healing porch and everything and everyone here is always there for you.  have a good new year, m.r.  sending a warm, loving hug filled with strength to you.

[DecimalRocket]

Some things can be tough emotionally. Some things can start out well, but can't be maintained. But sometimes the idea that it can start at all means it can come back in some form.

I'm sorry to hear what happened with your grandparents there. It seems to be reflecting a lack of validation of you being important that your childhood has shown you. I can relate, and it would be natural to get angry after what you've been through.

I agree with San that being aware of yourself is also something powerful. I had the opposite goal all these years — of trying to rely on others for answers rather than myself all the time and I vastly underestimated what it could do for me.  Strangely, when I relied on others, I had more confidence in relying and thinking for myself. When a need is secured in my life, I have more time to do what I want.

So I wondered if the opposite effect could happen to you? By finding autonomy and thinking of your own answers, maybe that can influence your relationship with others. By thinking more of your own intentions and personalizing the answers to your own self, you become more equipped to connect to others for answers and care in life.

Eh. Maybe that sounds crazy, now. But who knows?

If I were you, I'd start being aware of myself by writing down a list of questions, even listing it up towards a hundred. Then picking out the most essential to reflect upon, even for a couple days for each or longer. There's a lot of journaling questions or prompts online to start with too, but later, you'd likely grow the most by making your own questions.

Just a suggestion though.

Take care.