The new journal for me - stage 2

[Wife#2]

An odd note that I'm not sure what to think about it.

Monday afternoon, my husband told me that I woke him up by the deep, loud, belly laughing I was doing. He went to ask me what was so funny, but noticed I was deeply asleep. He said he wished he could have known what makes me laugh so deeply.

On one hand, so do I. I don't remember my dreams, so I have no idea what made me laugh so much. It had been a long, stressful day on Sunday. Hubby and I had our big conversation on Sunday also.

On another hand, I worry because I already know I talk in my sleep. It has bothered me for a long time that my brain, while processing each day's events, will spill my guts to my awakened husband in ways I don't want to do while awake. Hubby doesn't sleep well, so is awake often in the night. I sleep very deeply. I don't often hear him get up or get back into bed.

I'm reaching a place where I don't want him to know certain things because I believe he'd abuse that knowledge. It worries me that I may divulge it to him anyway. And, with there being such a pitiful progress on the whole 'intimacy for me, sex for him' front, I really am feeling more private than ever. I am almost to that place where I'm ready to ask him to sleep in another room. He knows that means I'm on the verge of divorce. It's so confusing.

I just feel so vulnerable that he may overhear my brain processing my days and my emotions and he can hear it, but I can't hear him or control what I reveal. It makes me wish I could sew my mouth up at night and un-sew it each morning. I don't know. Anyway, it's hard for me to hear that I laughed so deeply that it awoke him, but I have no idea about what, or if I said anything that he overheard and isn't telling me.

Struggle.

[Blueberry]

Wife#2, do you know if what you talk about in your sleep makes actual sense? I used to talk and apparently I did make complete sentences usually but they were about my dreams and weren't what I think in my day-to-day life.

I can really understand about feeling worried about what you might inadvertently say out loud though. 

[Candid]

I still keep finding excuses to stay. They echo hollow in my ears, yet I still say them.

At the end of my rope last night, I told H I was moving out of MIL's home and he wouldn't be coming with me. We are both subdued this morning. Thing is, I don't think I have the energy or the wherewithal to follow through.

San, remind me how much better life can be out of an unhealthy relationship.

Last night we watched Anthony Robbins I Am Not Your Guru. Lots of pertinent stuff for me. There was a woman talking about her 'stuff' and out of nowhere Tony asked whether there was a man in her life. A few more questions and he'd established she didn't see him as the person she wanted to be with for eternity, but was afraid of hurting him. Tony got her to call him right then and there in a packed auditorium, to tell him it was over.

That's probably what sparked my conversation with H. I know this situation is so wrong for me in so many ways.

[Wife#2]

Candid, I can't say a word as I completely understand the position you're in. The one good thing is that I (not we, just I) own my home. That's also a bad thing. He knows that in our county, I have no power or authority to kick my husband out of the shared home without a violation of law. His way to stay is to simply not leave. He does not abuse me in the way the courts recognize, nor is he a drunk or drug addict. Therefore, I can't get legal help to remove him from the property.

One day, maybe, the courts will see that abuse comes in many more forms than bruises and cuts. Until then, I am stuck with a husband I don't want in a marriage I want over. The thing that makes me sad about that Anthony Robbins video (and I've seen that segment where he has her call her husband) is that she may have had the courage to stand up during the rally, but did she carry through? Was her husband a PD person and refuse to leave?

I've seen a lawyer. I've put myself in a financial position to afford to retain a lawyer. I've done the budget and seen that I won't make it unless he agrees to do his part ~ child support. If he does his part, I'll make it and so should he. I know that my son and I would be better off after a divorce. I think my husband gets it as well. Still, he clings and begs and promises and tries to convince me that THIS time it'll work. Still, I remember the previous times of clinging, begging and promising that only lasted until he got tired of it and got angry that I had made demands on him (boundaries and reasonable expectations) and wanted to make demands of his own. So, I don't believe the promises and I know the changes won't happen.

And, I know he will refuse to go as he has no place TO go. His adult daughter has her own family and she and her husband agree that putting her father into that home would be a disaster for everyone, possibly destroying the marriage. His adult son still lives with us. His siblings live states away and don't talk, won't help him. His friends like him, but not to the point of giving him a sofa to surf.

Hubby has no savings. He has debt for his hobby and for our household. The hobby debt is bigger than the household debt. He's even spent into next month on his hobby knowing we have vet bills to pay and our son's birthday next week. It's disgusting and never-ending and I don't know how much of this I talk about in my sleep.

*** Blueberry - I do speak in complete sentences and answer questions with usually understandable answers. I have since I was a child. My sister recorded me one night - to prove this to me. It pisses me off in one way - he can't hear me while I'm awake - always asking me to repeat myself. But, in my sleep when I can't control what I say, he hears just fine. I'm so over it. ***

Back to what Three Roses encouraged me to speak: I will not be moved. This is what I expect from you, from our marriage, from our co-parenting of our son. I will not be moved. Man, I don't even believe myself when I type that. It is time to work some more on me.

[Three Roses]

"The sun isn't bright just because I say it is. It just is. It was bright before I even knew the word for bright. I didn't decide what it is, I acknowledged what it is.

"You aren't worth something just because I say you are. You just are. You were worth something before I even said anything. I didn't decide that you are, I acknowledged that you are.

"This is what I mean when I say, 'You are worth it.'"

(author unknown)

[Wife#2]

Strange day, indeed.

I've been holding up a mirror to my emotional self and am not real pleased with what I see there. I don't think it's an over-active inner critic, either. And, it isn't as if I hate myself. Not at all.

It's that I feel myself wanting to run away from everything, including my wonderful son. I have a very strong urge to just bolt. I know that would serve nothing, so I want to understand why this is so strong. And I think it has to do with that mirror.

So often, I can lose sight of the fact that my husband is even more damaged than I am, in my opinion. I have had the benefit of more therapy and better therapy. Still, I'm struggling to remember that he, my Mom and my Dad are just human beings. They can only be who they are. I can only be who I am. Except, I can change me. I can improve me. It will be work, but it has to start at the reality that I can ONLY change or improve me. Nobody else is responsible, nobody else deserves to take on the task of 'fixing' me.

I've been visiting another site that is very helpful. They have boards for venting but most of the boards are for self-examination and personal growth, within the context of living with a BPD person in your life.

It's so easy to just sit and tell all the funny, stupid, hurtful or pitiful stories that arise out of life with a BPD. God knows there is an everlasting supply. It's also so easy to just sit back and allow the validation received here and other places to convince me that all our problems are because of others (Mom was distant, Dad even more distant, hubby is unavailable emotionally).

But, that's not changing anything, so the results will just remain the same. And I am so sick and tired of the same. For me, for my husband, for my son. I've expected him to make lots of changes (husband). I've wanted better treatment, but I haven't been able to define or model that better treatment. For so many with CPTSD or any flavor of PD, one immutable fact remains: We were never taught how to have a healthy relationship. Least of all with ourselves.

Where does that leave me and my relationships? Stumped. Frustrated. Wanting it spoon-fed to me so I don't have to keep working so hard. I want a break! I want someone to waive a magic wand and all this to be better. As I've begun saying (especially to DS9), 'Wanting ain't getting.' A healthier mind-set and a healthier life in general is worth having. That means doing the work. That means keeping doing the work until I see the results. That means getting busy with all this brewing around in my head.

I'm scared, too! Sure, afraid of failure, but also afraid of success! What will that look like, health? Will I be able to maintain it, if I ever even achieve it? Will success cost me? My husband, my stepchildren, my FOO, my son? How many people will reject me during the process? How many because I was trying but screwed up? How many because I succeeded?

Will I really like who I become? How do I avoid going too far, perhaps sliding into Narc territory? What damage could that do to my son?

So, I keep coming up with excuses to fail to start. With all those excuses lining up my mind, it's hard to see past them to the place where this growth could work, could be worth it, could end up strengthening my marriage, or making it clear why it has to end. It could give my son a good example of what it means to overcome one's raising.  And of how to forgive less-than-perfect parents, acknowledging that I am certainly far from perfect myself. And, not in a way that attempts to elicit praise from him, but just as a fact.

Then, I think, how can I NOT make these changes? For myself, for my son? In that order. To become a genuine person, trustworthy and loveable. To show DS9 that I am worth it. And, as my son, HE is worth it. And that I meant my apologies when I failed him - so that I don't repeat those same mistakes over and over, eroding his trust in me or my sincerity.

Typing that took so much out of me that I had to back away from the keyboard, literally. I had to breathe to calm myself down.

Still, please understand. I'm not bashing myself. I'm not disregulated or in an EF. I'm listening to many people talk to me, out of love, kindness, annoyance, whatever, but the theme tends to remain the same.

That's fine, Wife#2, but what are you going to do about it? How can you know and identify and understand the problem so well, yet do nothing to fix it?

As I explained to my son recently, I don't even know how it came up. Anyway, I told him that I'd been fired several times in a few years. Then, I said, 'After the first firing, I could blame the employer. After the second firing, I could still blame circumstances. After the third firing, it was time to look at myself an admit maybe I was the problem all along.'

It wasn't until that point that I did begin looking at myself. I did have a mouth on me. My 'justice-meter' was very strong and I wasn't afraid to spout my opinions, even when in direct conflict with that employer. Employers don't have to respect that. They can fire you and make their headache go away. I was the headache too many times. Until I learned that I was the problem, identified HOW I was the problem and identified steps I could take to fix myself being the problem, I couldn't keep employed at a job for long.

How I got to that place wasn't as important to my overall health and movement forward in my life as what I was going to do, given that I was there.

I made some choices. I had very good friends who would allow me to vent all the injustices I felt had happened, even if they hadn't happened to me. They helped me 'get out the poison' so that I could continue to present the 'happy Wife#2' to the bosses. Suddenly, and I mean suddenly, bosses began to respond to me better. I kept jobs, or got good references when different reasons caused a job to end.

My unwillingness to upset the boss is what led to me being sexually harassed at one point. I hadn't, maybe still haven't, learned where the healthy line is on that. I do still placate bosses, then gripe about what I know to be unfair elsewhere.

This wall of words is to say that, just like the job situation earlier in my life, I must not put down the mirror. I must look honestly at myself. I must decide what is real about me and what is a pretense. Some pretense may be ok, but I can't keep putting that on at home and expect a happy home life. They can't interact with me the way I need if they have no idea WHAT that looks like! No matter HOW much they love me. And, they can't trust my love of them if I can't know myself well enough to be consistent with them.

I'm being my own worst enemy again. I've identified several of the problems. I've even begun identifying what I can do about them. Now, it's time to decide if I really do WANT to be healthier or if I am content to stay in this dysfunctional situation. And, because I see the truth and don't like the truth, I want to run away. I want someone else to build the house and just let me live in it. And, when I read about me wanting to run away, I think how like my mother that is. Because, she did. Twice, at least.

This 'adulting' is hard! (Joke about that word, it's an internet thing that my DS9 and I have both adopted as very cute). But, more than I want to be lazy or run away or rail against reality, I want to stay the adult and not allow my child to become emotionally more mature than me before he's even 10. I want to give him the gift of having his own childhood, and the gift of having a parent who cares enough about HIS growth that I will do the painful thing and make the changes that will benefit myself and everyone around me.

Ouch. My head hurts from all this truth. My shoulders have crawled into my ears and I don't want to deal with this anymore right now. I'll have to, I know that. It's worth it. I know that, too. I just need a breather from dealing with it.

[sanmagic7]

hey sweet sister of my soul,

finally got back here, sorry it took so long.  i am now 6 weeks away from my marriage, home, adopted country.  i lived with my daughter and her two roommates for 2 weeks, the time it took me to find a place of my own.  i'm now living in a house with 4 other people.  it is quiet, respectful, safe (both emotionally and physically.  i say emotionally, because i don't have to share with anyone what i don't want to.  it's a fresh emotional start) and the constant bickering and arguing are gone, along with all the feelings during the actual incidents and those that linger long after.

i am running on my own timetable.  i go to sleep when i want, watch what i want on tv, wake up when i want.  i don't have to fix anyone else's food, wash anyone else's dishes, pick up anyone else's dirty clothes. 

i am geographically closer to my daughter, which has been a real pull for me in the past year or so.  i've had 2 incidents in which i felt i was dying (like my insides were simply crumbling) and it seemed very important to me that i be near her if anything happened to me.  she remains my first priority - my kids have always come ahead of hub or friends since i started learning what was going on in and around me, and had the capability of understanding what all this has meant   

the tension from continual arguments, disagreements, promises that turned out to be nothing but air, apologies that kept being repeated all the next times the same things happened, long talks that held a promise of increased intimacy but revealed nothing but more of the same, the words that were outright lies or had no intention of being acted upon, and the unreliability of most everything he said - all that is gone now.

the downside has been a culture shock for which i was not prepared, a landlady who is a perfectionist that i wasn't ready for, having to share bathrooms with others, and missing him continually taking care of me in every way he could at a moment's notice.  now i have no car, my eyesight is too poor to pass a driver's test so my independence is gone anyway.  i am dependent on my daughter who lives 20 min. away to take me to the grocery store cuz i can't walk that far, or to take me anywhere, for that matter.

i am beginning a new medical regimen in about 10 days, but with docs who i trust have had sufficient medical training - unlike the docs in mex. who become interns in 4 yrs., with a year of interning, period, and i rarely saw the same doc twice, never had a phone # in case i needed to ask about med reactions, etc., and all the specialists i needed to see were 2 1/2 hrs. away by bus.  my next round was to have been in sept., when the temp. is 120 and my system can't tolerate that heat for more than 10 min. at most. 

new paperwork and appts. have had to be dealt with, lots of bureaucratic b.s.  of course, that's the same everywhere, but it was already in place down there.  i'm still unsure of the rules up here, still feeling my way around, on my own for the most part.  do i miss him?  sure.  do i regret my decision?  not for a minute.  whenever i think of what i left behind, it reminds me of why i left and that it was the best thing to do for both my health and recovery, both physically and emotionally.

i went as far as i could go there.  my relationship (and i told my hub this) was no longer moving forward, and, in fact, had moved backward greatly.   to me, i like to put it all on the scales, see if they tip toward the pos. or neg.  as long as they stayed in the pos. zone, i would stay.  but, they moved into the neg. zone and things weren't going to change.  try as hard as i might, he wasn't going to do the work necessary for things to change, and i couldn't do it for him. 

i felt disappointed - i'd expected more from him.   he had his own issues but wasn't willing (read: was too afraid) to look at, explore, and resolve them, no matter how many times we talked about them.  my being ill for the entire time we were married didn't help the situation, either.  i'll take my part in this.  i do know, however, that i did everything i could to change what was going on with me.  that wasn't reciprocated.

for us, sex fell off the bed about 10 yrs. ago, after he had a hip replaced.  he was scared that if we had sex it would pop out and he'd have to have another surgery.  i pleaded with him to talk to someone about it - an orthopedist, a therapist, someone else who'd had the same surgery - but he continually refused.  what was once a very healthy sex life was extinguished by his fear and refusal.  at the time, a couple of friends told me they thought that was abusive of him toward me.  i agreed, was nearly ready to break up with him then.

so, lots of thoughts and feelings running around about my leaving him, wife2, but no regrets.  it's been difficult, it's been different, it's been emotionally blinding at times.  i've reverted to old patterns every so often.  6 weeks into a new single life, it's getting easier.  things are falling into place, getting done.  it's gradual, for sure.  it's taking time.  there's a lot to process. 

in some ways it's more difficult, but in more ways it's much easier.  i'm very glad i did it.  the timing was just right, i got a lot of help that i needed, and that made things fall into place more quickly.  i don't want to live there anymore - it's like that section of my life is over and done.  he and i saved each others' lives, but it was time for me to move on in order to have a chance at truly healing.  i don't know if that's possible even here, but i do know it wasn't possible there anymore.

you'll move on when this chapter of your life is finished, wife2.  the excuses will fade away, and your scales will eventually give you the nudge you may be needing.  you'll do what's right for you and your son, whatever that may be.  only you know what reasons for staying or leaving are best for you.  i support you completely whatever you may decide.  big hug!!!

[Three Roses]

... I must not put down the mirror. I must look honestly at myself. I must decide what is real about me and what is a pretense. Some pretense may be ok, but I can't keep putting that on at home and expect a happy home life. They can't interact with me the way I need if they have no idea WHAT that looks like! No matter HOW much they love me. And, they can't trust my love of them if I can't know myself well enough to be consistent with them. 

This resonated with me like the peal of a bell. Thank you for an articulate post, food for thought! You're amazing

[Wife#2]

Thank you both, very much, for the support.

San, beloved soul-sister, you know by now, I hope, that you are a warrior woman. Wounded and struggling, still a warrior! It is so good to hear that this was the right decision for you. I'm even more happy to know that being geographically close to your daughter was part of your 'soul medicine'.

The 'hangover' from this sadly ended relationship with your soon-to-be ex-husband will eventually fade. The lessons you were to learn from it will appear and, if I have learned who you are at all, be dealt with as you are able. I am here, across the country, by your side in spirit. I will offer all support I am able. To know that you are safe now and have a chance at recovery is a blessing to my soul.

Three Roses, sister as well, that was so hard for me to type. It's part of something I'm working hard with myself - personal accountability. I've struggled with that my whole life. I think, in part, because I was blamed for some things beyond my control. Since those were beyond my control, maybe other things were as well... so I dropped ALL responsibility for myself.

It didn't help that the main person who would call me on it was the Golden Child. It felt like he had SOME nerve, being my biggest bully and trying to be a good big brother from time to time. Just often enough that I really didn't know what to make of it. I didn't trust him or his motives. Was he really trying to be helpful or was he setting me up for some future humiliation? Again?

When I reached adulthood, I began with that mirror of mine. Sometimes, I actually liked who I saw there. Other times, I wondered where I was. Still others, I saw very clearly the things that I needed to work on. Yet, it was so much easier to just put that mirror down and pretend I hadn't seen what was there. I could blame Mom - there was plenty of fodder there, after all. I could blame GC - God knows he didn't try very hard to be a good big brother to me. I could blame Dad and his invalidating ways. Sure, all that is legitimate and real and useable. But, at the end of the day, I had to live with me. Nobody else has to. Everyone else can abandon me. I am the only one who HAS to live with me.

Now, I'm a wife and mother. It's so much more complicated now. I didn't finish the work I began in my 20's. I didn't finish the work I began in my 30's. Once I got married, I focused on what my husband needed to 'fix'. The mirror was packed away.

I found that mirror the other day. I've been holding it up as long as I can stand. That hasn't been long.

As great as this website is, and it has been a life & marriage saver, I believe that I may need to reduce my dependence on this site.

Alchemist's idea to attend OA for a while, check it out, see if it helps conquer one section of the puzzle, is a great idea. As bad as I quake at the thought, I may need to partake. I do better when I hand over some of my independence and become accountable to people outside my family. I've done this type of thing before (seek help and give them rights of accountability), but I was always single then. Now, my excuse is my family. I will bring this up with them, let them know that I believe I need this and I need their support in this. If they resist, I will have to explain to them that I read that as not being willing that I get better. I have to care 51% about me and 49% about what they want. I have to stand my ground. I have to believe I am important enough that this is a worthwhile investment in me.

I am worthy. I am worthy of health. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of peace within my own skin. I am worthy of the work.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2 these have been such powerful posts to read this morning. I do not have a lot of words  this morning for you, and I wish I had more as you deserve them I resonate so much with what you are saying and I am so proud of you for holding up this mirror.

It is so hard to find that healthy relationship with ourselves sense we were never taught to do so. I am so glad that you are taking this on no matter how hard it will be. Your wisdom and courage truly showing in this Wife#2. Lots of love and comfort. I am standing with you as you need/want it on this journey

[Wife#2]

I feel like I need you all to gather around, form a circle and push me back in the center when I try to run away.

The more I feel like running away, the more I think maybe I'm on to something really good and life-affirming. A BIG change. The coveted paradigm shift. Where I know AND believe that I am a whole person, worthy of love, capable of cruelty, talented in some ways, requiring modesty in others. A whole, multifaceted person.

It's there. I can almost sense it getting closer. The desire to run is getting stronger.

God, how I wish it was just me, so that this process wouldn't hurt or scare them. Then, how glad I am, God, that they are there, in my life, giving me a touchstone and a break from the work, giving unconditional love.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2 I will gladly be part of that circle. If I can help in anyways please let me know. It is scary to feel this way, believe me I understand. I am currently feeling that need to run away, and it is the same reason... That something big and good is coming. However, that comes with lots of change and challenges which are scary to face. I understand why the instinct to run is so strong for you right now. I am right her to remind you very gently that it will all be okay.

We don't have to run anymore, and it is okay to stay and fight this battle to that new life affirming change. Change was so scary for us,  but it can bring such greatness. I am here to walk with you through it, we will get to the other side. Remember to be so kind to yourself and don't get frustrated when this gets hard. It is scary but it will be so great when you make it through all of this. I know you are so strong and courageous. You can make it through this change, and your family will follow with you as you need them too.

I am there holding your hand (if you want), sitting there while you take a small break before heading back into that change. It is okay to take some breaks as long as you keep moving forward after a short breather.

[Wife#2]

Shoulder to shoulder, we'll make it. I am ever thankful for this website and the people I've met here.

I am God-fearing and working on opening up enough to allow Jesus to really be my Lord. I won't make it through this life without Him. I also won't make it through without people like all of you who I've met on this website. It does take a community to raise a child. We, whose community either wasn't there or were the source of our pain, must be raised again. Communities like this make that possible - with the love and kindness and generosity we show each other, we are the community we each need.

Yes, Elphanigh, I will be grateful to hold your hand and join the circle of affirmation. We need this to move forward. We need each other, holding each other accountable with kindness, knowing it must be done for our healthy growth.

Many words. Today, a little action. I step forward and claim that I am worthy of giving and receiving love. Flaws and all. I speak my truth that I must love myself first, before my gift of love to others can have true meaning. This is followed by my truth that, as badly as I am in need of forgiveness, I will offer forgiveness to those who have wronged me, past and present. I am blessed in that those who offended me, only a few in adulthood had actual malice in their hearts. The rest were just as hurting and lost as I have been.

I trust you who I've met at this website. It is good to be able to actually trust people. Thank you all for your kindness and love. They are sustaining me.

[Elphanigh]

We will make it through shoulder to shoulder you are right. We all have each other here, and community is so very important. I am glad you will join the circle and be kind to yourself. You deserve that kindness in every way possible.

It really sounds like you are making a big stride right now. I am ever in awe of your courage and strength 

[Wife#2]

I just had a happy flashback. Myself and five college friends had decided to walk the 2 miles from campus to the mall together. But, we were in a silly mood, so we decided to be silly about it. OK - we'd just been watching some Monty Python, too.

So, we set ourselves boy/girl/boy/girl/boy/girl, arms linked at the elbows, stepping out left in front of the person on the left, then right in front of the person on our right. I was at the end. We were a motley crew, all races, sexual preferences, genders represented in our little group. Linked together, we did our silly walk, got back up as we fell - often, laughed at the people who stared at us, and made a wonderful journey out of a boring 2 mile walk.

This is what community can feel like. Nobody judging each other, just there for each other. Ready to pick up those who fell, encourage those who tried to fall behind, chins up against the critics. We laughed until our cheeks hurt. We were friends. I miss every one of those souls, how they made my life a better place to be.

All the more reason I treasure everyone I've met here. Each of you has a place on my line. Who says we have to follow the boring, conventional path? We can love each other, support each other and be silly or serious or whatever we need to be, as long as we get there - together if that's what our path has in store for us. At least, together during the journey!