the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[radical]

 

Sorry you have been so inundated with health problems, all at once.

Know that you have a team of supporters here who are with you in spirit, cheering you on, commiserating with your pain, who value you as you are.

Glad to see you back, even if you are just popping in.

[Downsideup]

It's a relief to hear that you're being taken seriously. September is a while aways but it's definitely something to look forward to. I'm happy to see you on here again, and I hope that means you're feeling better than before I hope your eye treatment goes better than expected!!

[sanmagic7]

you're all so great.  i'll be back here in bits and pieces as i'm able. i've noticed that looking at this screen too long begins to bother my eye.

yeah, candid, finally something tangible is being seen as wrong with me after so long of 'everything's normal, nothing's wrong' kind of messages i've gotten for so long, cuz standard blood tests have shown just that.  that is something that i cheer about.   it's like we KNOW something is wrong, but the docs put so much stock into these standardized tests, and don't explore farther.  it feels so good to finally not be dismissed nor denied.

the fibromyalgia was a surprise.  i don't have burning, shooting pains like i see i the ads for their meds.  most of me feels fine unless a pressure point is pressed.  then, whoa!!!  hurts like dammit!  low back pain is the norm, with me all the time, but otherwise - i'm still thinking it's trapped trauma, but what do i know, right?!

radical, i really have known you all are with me, have brought you to the fore for my peace of mind several times, and it's comforting.  thanks for reiterating my value - i feel the same about every single one of you, just as you are, too.  valid and valuable.  very.   these health problems have been around for decades, but haven't been recognized  so haven't been looked at properly.  of course, i'm an emdr therapist for nearly 30 yrs. and i never heard of c-ptsd or alexithymia so never knew what either i or my clients might have been dealing with.  funny how that works.  but, better late than never.

you're right, dsu, it's a bit of a wait, but it's like the light at the end of the tunnel.  i'm happy to be on here again, even if it's in dribs and drabs for awhile.  i'm still getting used to these meds, coming down from the stress of fri. so i don't know how much i can be here.  but, it'll get better with time.  i missed this place and all of you.  you are part of my family of choice now. 

thanks for listening, for being with me.  lovin' all these hugs, and right back at all of you.  wife2 and 3 roses, you're included in this.  if there's someone i forgot, please forgive me.  loopy still.  love you all, you wonderful, wonderful people.   muah!!!

[Candid]

you are part of my family of choice now. 

I hear you, sister!

[sanmagic7]

ooooh, jd and blueberry, my memory lost you for a minute, but i didn't.  thank you both for your warmth and caring. 

i'm cutting down on my meds today - i don't need the pain med (it didn't make that much difference anyway) and the brain med made me uncoordinated - i was walking and talking like a robot!  jerky movements and slow going. also, i was tensing up during the day - i'd suddenly realize my back was arched or i was holding my head/neck at an odd angle.  this med, at certain doses, is used for epilepsy, and it was feeling like my muscles were seizing up a few times during the day.  quite the opposite result than what i'd expected.  i thought i should be feeling like a wet noodle rather than tense.  talked w/ my hub about it, cuz i don't wanna make med decisions on my own, want to make sure to keep him in the loop on that so i always have a second opinion.

so, today i will take no pain med, 1 brain med, and keep the prozac for now to see what that does.  i think it takes a bit longer for results.   in the meantime, i want to stay in touch here again as much as possible (till my eye goes wonky) and keep up with my writing.  i had a good day of rest yesterday and feel better today.  i'm pretty sure part of that is cuz of the light at the end of the tunnel after fri.   that lifted my spirit considerably.

onward with recovery.  it feels like some things are simply clicking into place and i'm feeling more comfortable being me.  i don't feel the urgency to work work work to improve myself right now, to fix myself right now, and those obsessive thoughts are lessening somewhat.   just feel more relaxed about issues and don't really want to focus on the neg. so much right now as much as getting my eating back to a more sane place and getting back to my writing.  looking forward more than backward, i think, which feels different, but good.  i feel safer somehow.  more here.  hard to explain, but i like it.  yay!

[Candid]

it feels like some things are simply clicking into place and i'm feeling more comfortable being me.  i don't feel the urgency to work work work to improve myself right now, to fix myself right now, and those obsessive thoughts are lessening somewhat.   just feel more relaxed about issues and don't really want to focus on the neg. so much right now...
i feel safer somehow.  more here.  hard to explain, but i like it.  yay!

Yay, indeed!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, candid!  love the little party - that's great.  am grinning right now - it feels good!

[sanmagic7]

a little step back in here.  feeling better, thank you, god.   i'm thinking meds aren't the way to go for me.  the docs are irresponsible here, it's a gov't-run health org. and i learned thru my own research on the net that these meds should probably have been started incrementally with me, let my body get adjusted to them.   this was the same pattern as the last 2 times with system-altering meds, complete rejection after 3 days.  plus, this time there were other side effects that were pretty nasty.  these 'cures' will kill me, and i just won't have that.

so i did more investigating into neuro-plasticity, mind over brain, changing the brain thru mental messages and i think that's the way i'm gonna go.  one of the articles i read said that the most important thing is to believe it can happen.  i believe, i believe!!!  and, that the more positive thoughts and messages you give yourself, the more positive neurons form and will eventually override and/or outnumber the neg. thoughts and messages.  i'm going for it.

my routine now includes some mindful breathing every day, gentle trauma-based yoga, and when a pain hits me, i tell my brain that it's a false message.  i did that 3 or 4 times today with a shooting pain in my shoulder, and it went away.  my system just doesn't want those chemicals inside it, and the docs are giving me no alternatives, no weaning on or off this crapola, and since i'm not a doc, i don't know how to wean on (especially with capsules, all those little beads.) with the correct doses.  i know how to wean off something, but don't want to take a chance with this stuff the other way around. 

there was a time, maybe 30 yrs. ago, when i was getting out of that mess with the icky therapist, and i saw a counselor, just a few times, but one time she told me to imagine i was at the end of my life looking backwards, which i did.  she asked how old i was, i said, without hesitation, 92.  i've been believing that ever since, and altho it's been rocky here of late, today i still do.  i will make this work by hook or crook, dammit!  everyone is welcome to join me, get the better of this beast whichever way is best for us individually.

for those of you who celebrate easter, have a happy one.  for everyone, happy, happy spring, one of my four top favorite seasons of the year.  enjoy!  dang, it feels good to be back, even if it's for these 10 min.

[Candid]

the more positive thoughts and messages you give yourself, the more positive neurons form and will eventually override and/or outnumber the neg. thoughts and messages.  i'm going for it.

I love that! I'm going for it too. Also have reduced the dose of my anti-d by half. Sorry that can't be done with capsules -- unless you can get empty capsules from the nearest farmacia and empty half the beads into them one by one. Eek.

dang, it feels good to be back, even if it's for these 10 min.

Lovely to see you here, too. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, candid.  your little 'o bugger' comment when i signed out made me laugh.  that was great!  that felt good, too.  careful with the weaning - take it really slow.  when i went off my effexor, i did actually have to break the capsules open, get empty capsules from the farmacia, and hub would split them in fourths to start.  he looked like he was making lines of coke!  that's how i began going down, by fourths, did that for about a month, then by thirds, same thing, finally by halves.  it took a while, but i had no adverse effects coming off, and i'd read horror stories about that drug.

speaking of anti-d meds, the prozac stops now.  yeah, i had some pretty good energy yesterday, but for 2 nights running i had a terrible time falling asleep, last night was worse than the night before, and i was up at 3:30 this morning.  this is with my sleeping med.  i'm extremely sensitive to caffeine and anything speed-y, and sleep is something i sorely need.  so, besides one med for the nail fungus, and one for sleep, i'm now pretty much on my own, except for vitamins and supplements.  i believe that's where i'll stay unless i find compelling evidence otherwise.

this really is a whole-body experiment, trying to discover, then balance what works and what doesn't for my physical recovery.  it's a lot of work, actually, but dog gone it, i'm worth it!  just like the l'oreal ads say!  changing my tune about my pain hasn't been too bad, tho.  i hadn't really let it stop me too much, just kind of accepted it, didn't have emotions tied to it for the most part, so to start the messages is not so much an exchange but an addition.  it was pretty easy yesterday to keep telling myself they were false messages, or there was a brain glitch and the signal wasn't what it felt like.  i'm ok with this.  it was more self-talk than i've been doing - that was probably the biggest difference. 

so, ever onward. 

[Candid]

it was more self-talk than i've been doing - that was probably the biggest difference. 

I believe self-talk is the single biggest deciding factor in getting well or getting worse.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, candid, and from what i've been reading, you're getting into some different stuff yourself.  yay for us!

little bit of a headache today - was only on the stuff for 9 days.  i can't imagine what might have happened after a month.  she didn't give me or the family doc any directions for what happens after a month, except that if i felt bad, to go 125 mi. to the emergency room for her.  which is rich, since neither my hub nor i have a car that can make it that far, and the buses don't run all night - blah blah blah. 

working within this medical system has been a learning experience, both of the system and about myself.  i believe it's all progress.  sometimes it's slower and more painful than at other times, and i hate that my hub has to continually watch me get sick and suffer because of it.  it chips away at both our spirits, which isn't good. 

however, as i learn more, put more pieces into place, i know i will suffer less, which will be a relief for him, too.   that's good for both of us. 

[Downsideup]

I wonder what can be done to best work within this medical system you're stuck in. 125 is a long way to go for an emergency room, or is that just the one she wants you to go to? Either way, you're smart for not just blindly taking those meds. Mixing them without letting your body build a tolerance on smaller doses first sounds risky to me.

Candid is completely right about how drastically self-talk can change your mood. You hear a lot about the burden of a negative self-critic. Maybe if you can convince your mind of something positive your body will follow...

Either way, good luck with the body 'experiment' and take good care of yourself

[sanmagic7]

thanks, dsu.  that emergency room is in the city where she lives and practices.  we have a small one here in town, but not very well equipped.  and thank you for your vote of confidence and validation of what i'm doing.  i count on all of you to tell me honestly what you think. 

my system is so sensitive to these chemical additives, i've got to honor its messages above what docs tell me.  it's a stand of assertiveness, i guess.  just cuz they're docs doesn't mean they know my body better than i as far as how it reacts to what's put in it. 

so, no matter what happens with all the tests in sept., i pretty much already know what i have to do.  i'll listen, weigh what's said, look at the results, and do what i need to do.  at this point, i think i've done a helluva job of keeping myself alive and as well as possible with what i've had to work with. 

10 yrs. ago my hub told me that he thought i was gonna die.  i guess i don't give up quite that easily, no matter how hard it is.  i've got a daughter to visit at least once a year, and a brother i'd like to see.  got a novel i'm re-editing, and maybe want to write a book about alexithymia that could help explain this phenomenon to those suffering and confused about why.  so, i've still got things to do.  not done yet.

[Candid]

i've still got things to do.  not done yet.

No indeed!