the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

you are such a sweetly wonderful person, wife2.  you always bring a smile to my heart.  what a darling friend you are to me.  thank you for being here with me.

breathing.  i have such a hard time slowing myself down.  so restless.  sudden thought - could that be a c-ptsd symptom?  always feeling like i want to be doing something?  before i got sick, i was continuously on the go, juggling so much, all those plates in the air.  people would ask how i did so much.  i would knit sweaters while watching tv at night after doing whatever i did during the day. 

my downtimes have been naps.  full out sleep.  i didn't rest, am only beginning to discover that concept.  to sit quietly with a cup of tea or coffee - i'd see that in commercials, people just sitting there nursing their mug, and it was like looking at a foreign language film w/o subtitles.  outside my comprehension.

so, while it warms my heart to have you say that to me, and i do some mindful breathing most days to try to slow myself down, it's very uncomfortable for me to do so.  if i sit and read a book, i either get antsy and go do something else, or i fall asleep.  hmmm, interesting subject here for me. 

uncomfortable is the word.  discomforting.  quite the opposite of what it's supposed to be doing for me, comforting me, soothing me, relaxing me.  i carry so much tension in my body, i feel like i'm terminally wired for sound and action.  i've done relaxation exercises, and they help a little, but not for very long.  the tension returns and i have to forcefully catch myself, bring my forehead down when i'm mindfully attempting to relax. 

i've been like this for so long, i don't know quite what to think about it anymore.  even massages are rarely relaxing - i tense up against the pain i'm anticipating.  i'll keep working on it.  even when i was drinking, i never nursed a beer - that puppy was gone in about 4 swallows.  i was one of the fastest drinkers i knew. 

yet, my actions don't belie this.  i'm not a fast mover or talker.  unless i'm excited about something.  then, my arms are waving all over the place, my mouth is running a hundred words a minute.  something very contradictory has overtaken my body over the years.  we'll see.  i'll keep at it.

thanks, wife2, for this wake-up call.   it seems that all my waking time i'm looking to relax, yet it eludes me (i love that phrase).  i don't know what to make of it.

[Three Roses]

i have such a hard time slowing myself down.  so restless.  sudden thought - could that be a c-ptsd symptom?  always feeling like i want to be doing something?

See if this fits -

The Flight Type and the Obsessive-Compulsive Defense

Flight types appear as if their starter button is stuck in the "on" position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and loveable. As children, flight types respond to their family trauma somewhere along a hyperactive continuum that stretches between the extremes of the driven "A" student and the ADHD dropout running amok. They relentlessly flee the inner pain of their abandonment and lack of attachment with the symbolic flight of constant busyness.

What recharges your batteries? It doesn't have to be sitting and relaxing. That drives my husband crazy. The most refreshing thing for him is a good walk.

[Wife#2]

Come to think of it, my ucPTSD husband is the same way. Sitting still literally causes him physical pain. He can't do 'relaxation' the way I do. He MUST be doing something. He's found that having something to do with his hands is immensely relaxing - far more than sitting still with his thoughts.

So, he builds bullets, makes dinner, sweeps (sometimes LOL), fiddles with things, tinkers. Anything to keep body and mind as active as he can. He can't drive and his wrecked knee means no walking as exercise. If he's been sitting too long, it's aches and pains everywhere and he's miserable and BORED.

While that relaxing tea and mind/body meditation may work for me, not so much for you or hubby.

That info 3Roses gave is very helpful to understand. I describe that feeling as 90 mile-an-hour veins in a standing still body. I don't have it often, but I do know it.

Macramé - that's something that can be small or large and can use small movements or big ones. Twine or cord or rope can be acquired pretty cheaply. It can be done sitting down (small hanger for flowering pots) or standing up (dream catcher on a large hoop). My Mom taught me years ago and it was fun to create these things. They can also be made for sale. Just a thought. Culturally, it could also be welcomed in Mexico.

I just wish I could help you purge this crud out of your body!!

[Downsideup]

Don't force anything. I think Wife2 and 3Roses are right. If you feel the urge to get up and move your body, do so in a positive and relaxing way. I would always paint or draw. Some people like to dance. Sometimes I just get out in the backyard and pace around while listening to music. Being out in nature always calms me down, and sitting still doesn't do much of anything besides causing me to zone out. Again, listen to what your body is telling you to do and try to do so in a positive and relaxing manner. This is probably so hard to do with bronchitis...here's hoping you have a swift recovery

[sanmagic7]

i am processing all this.  the passage you quoted, 3 roses, brought tears to my eyes, so i know it struck a chord.  i can see several aspects of me in it -  thank you very much.

doing things with my hands, yes, wife2, exactly why i would knit or cross stitch or macrame or sew or do puzzles.  i may have been trying to fit my round self in a square hole.  which speaks to what you said, downsideup, about not forcing myself.  i've heard so much about meditation and yoga and tai chi as relaxers, and they don't relax me at all.  i feel like i'm being roped down into something i only want to break free of.  i kept thinking it's me, it works for everyone else, what's wrong with me?  am i not doing it enough?  do i need to just keep at it, 'force' myself to do it cuz that's what i keep hearing from everyone? 

questions and processing.  thank you all for your responses.  i saw some alexithymia and addiction stuff in that passage that would fit for me, not being comfy with my feelings, being perfect, etc.  will keep at this.  i love you all.  i wish i had a therapist for this, but i don't, so i guess i'll have to start digging for myself by myself.  hmmm . . .  once this crapola gets into my mind, my brain will not let it go until i get down to it and get it fixed, if it's possible to do so.  i'm getting tired of this trait in myself.  sometimes i wish i was just really shallow and didn't give a crap and just could go back to floating thru life, drunk, high, no responsibilities. 22 forever.    too late - the floodgates have been opened and a lifetime has passed through them.  i just found out today that a dear mexican friend from here died in a terrible car crash 2 wks. ago.  i knew him over 40 yrs. and have had quite a history with him.  he was quite a character and never stopped loving me in all that time.  r.i.p., felix.  i will be your preciosa forever.

[Candid]

The Flight Type and the Obsessive-Compulsive Defense

Flight types appear as if their starter button is stuck in the "on" position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and loveable. As children, flight types respond to their family trauma somewhere along a hyperactive continuum that stretches between the extremes of the driven "A" student and the ADHD dropout running amok. They relentlessly flee the inner pain of their abandonment and lack of attachment with the symbolic flight of constant busyness.

This fits for me. In my working life I had trouble with weekends and when I went back to university I found the holidays went on for ever. Unstructured time is a major issue for me. Now I'm involuntarily retired I have to have every minute filled or I get so anxious it's unbearable. I've tried 'sitting with it' and in less than a minute of my mind running all over the place I think of something else I can do and I'm up on my feet again. It's exhausting, and I frequently have trouble switching off at night.

i've heard so much about meditation and yoga and tai chi as relaxers, and they don't relax me at all.  i feel like i'm being roped down into something i only want to break free of.   

That's it exactly. Now that I know I'm fleeing the inner pain of my abandonment and lack of attachment, what am I gonna do about it? 

[sanmagic7]

this has opened up so much for me.  checked out what pete has to say in more depth and i'm feeling overwhelmed.  it is so distressing to me to find these things out.  i always think of perfectionism as having a clean house, the right clothes/image/makeup - all image stuff.  mine has been to be perfect as a person, as a therapist, as a friend, as a partner.  perfect in relationships.  a fixer, take action and make things right.  not having my emotions, including not having an inner critic, has gone a long way to keep me covered up by this.

i know logically that i'm not perfect, but i didn't always know it.  i truly believed i was, was more than others, looked down on others, and without empathy or being able to relate emotionally, i was also more than arrogant. 

today, thinking of all that has been revealed to me since yesterday, i have an inner critic telling me i'm a failure.  never heard that before.  i'm also admitting that i don't go out of my house because i don't feel safe anywhere, (me, who has taken road trips of more than 2000 mi. on my own w/o an ounce of fear) not even in the house.  not in my own home, not with my hub who doesn't want to hurt me for the world, but continues to do so.   it's part of my tension, part of not being able to sleep.  i'm alone during the day, no one to interrupt me or take the covers or make his presence known, and i sleep so soundly, so profoundly.  at night, not so much, and not for long.

just a little while ago, he came home, we asked each other how we're doing, we both said we're struggling.  i asked him what with, he told me.  i was waiting to see if he'd ask me.  it took awhile, but he did.  and it started spilling out, these realizations, these feelings, the pain in my chest that represents fear (i can at least recognize that now), wanting a half a xanax but feeling - omg!  another one i've only consciously felt right now! - ashamed! 

we were watching tv the other night, a woman started crying, frasier pulled her into a comforting embrace, and i told my hub that that's what you do when someone is in distress - gather them in.  and that's what he did today.  he remembered and it felt so good, so protective, so not alone.  i've been working hard for most of my life at this personality of perfection in order to never feel alone again after my parents did not gather me in when i was in distress.  it was the worst feeling i'd ever had, and i knew that i was on my own from that time on, and decided i would create a personality that would ensure that people - light bulb - would not abandon me like my parents did when i was 14.

and i began smiling and giving out compliments and being pleasant, and it took a few years but it worked.  and i knew that my job was to make others feel good, and if i could do that, they'd like me so much for it that they wouldn't leave me.  i was cute and had a killer personality by the time i was 17, and floated thru life, clueless and/or confused about others and their emotions.  i was inconsiderate and uncaring, mainly (my ic just wanted to start beating me up for that, but i won't let it) because i didn't know how to be otherwise.  i broke hearts, flitted from here to there, had wonderful girlfriends, and stayed in abusive relationships too long. 

and now i see the facade too clearly but by another name.  adrenaline junkie.  (pete's words).  and i'm startled cuz i would never have described myself like that.  it's a bad thing, to my mind, and altho i did uncaring things to people, i never wanted to hurt someone else.  i just did without realizing what i was doing.

and this all ties in with my overeating, pushing that discomfort that raises its head as feelings that i'm not aware of, can't identify, but feel very disturbing, and i can't sit with them so i eat.  all my substance addictions are in on this, too.  they're past, thank you god, but they've been my best friends since i went away to college and stayed with me through thick and thin for 20 yrs., then i took a 15 yr. break, then i went back to them for 5 yrs., now i've stopped again for 15 yrs., 1 1/2 yrs. for cigs.  i would never have stopped but my body began breaking down and couldn't tolerate those poisons anymore.

so i'm sitting here, writing this out, xanax doing its work, feeling calmer.  eventually i know i've got to work out how to do this w/o the meds, but not now.  i've got to get ready, armed w/ info, to take to the doc next month.  that's gotta be my priority.  this stress isn't good for me, and i'm doing all i can right now.

pete talked about eating when we're hungry soon after eating a meal as attempting to assuage the hunger for not being abandoned.  i haven't thought of this abandonment thing in any great depth before.  nor shame.  nor inner critic.  i've lived my life without these monsters hovering over, around, and within me, and now they're all here, threatening me.  the fear is bad enough.  it's cohorts are distressing me greatly.

pete also said that he was 'flight' and had to make himself sit with quietness, even while the urges to do something were banging on the door.  something to start another day.  today, i'm just me, imperfect in so many ways.  i can't believe you people love me and stick with me.  you're showing me something brand new.  thanks.  gotta go take a shower.  change the bed.  make myself something to eat that i'll probably eat too much of.  a problem to tackle another day.  i feel unworthy, also something new, the opposite of entitled, which i felt most of my life.  geez, this is hard.   eeeek!

[Candid]

 

i've been working hard for most of my life at this personality of perfection

You do realise there's no such thing, don't you? Or to put it another way, that we're all already perfect (albeit still evolving) just as we are right now?

i would create a personality that would ensure that people - light bulb - would not abandon me like my parents did when i was 14.

My mind boggles at such a mountainous task! I must be the other way round; I'm so accustomed to being kicked out, abandoned, cut off or what-have-you that I'm like  when it happens. I mean in relationships other than FOO. But then I make so few real friendships, in anticipation of people deciding they can't be bothered with me any more...

i was inconsiderate and uncaring, mainly (my ic just wanted to start beating me up for that, but i won't let it) because i didn't know how to be otherwise.  i broke hearts, flitted from here to there, had wonderful girlfriends, and stayed in abusive relationships too long. 

Now that I can identify with!

so i'm sitting here, writing this out, xanax doing its work, feeling calmer.  eventually i know i've got to work out how to do this w/o the meds, but not now.  i've got to get ready, armed w/ info, to take to the doc next month.  that's gotta be my priority.  this stress isn't good for me, and i'm doing all i can right now.

Has anyone ever told you you're awfully hard on yourself? I've had it said to me and can't see it, but I sure can see it in you. There's a kind of breathless 'gotta do this, gotta do that' about this post. And that isn't a criticism, please don't think so!

i can't believe you people love me and stick with me. 

We all get a vibe about certain members as we read their posts. Yours is absolutely beautiful, genuinely caring to the point where I've wondered about self-abnegation. Can you put yourself first for a while? Can you do that at all?

[sanmagic7]

i've been working so hard all my life at this perfectionism stuff, no wonder i'm tired all the time, but haven't been able to stop.  o my friggin' heart.  always, always, always, something else to do, think about, be, fix, look for, help - right now i don't know very well how to stop.

candid, thanks for your comments.  i'm just lost right now. 

yesterday i consciously felt and said how unsafe i feel.  that someone will hurt me if i leave the house.  i've covered that up by saying it uses up so much energy for me (which it does) and that makes it very stressful (which it does - i go grocery shopping, doesn't take more than a half hour, i'm laid out exhausted by the time i put food away) keeping up my facade, working all the time, looking for my dad to tell me he's proud of me (never happened), can't let up or i'm lazy, what a horrible thought!  my mom would show the calluses on her hands with pride at how hard she worked.  our house was spotless, nothing on the walls, no clutter or knicknacks, you'd never be able to tell that any kids lived there.  dang, i'm so tired of working so hard all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time . . . tears of self-pity right now.  that darling little girl had to be perfect, even before she was 2.  no shoes on the bed.   i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i wish i could feel that.

[Downsideup]

Oh San...I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I wish I could help you in the way you help so many others on this site. You can't be perfect. None of us can, and that's just a fact of humanity. You are safe in your own home, and you're allowed to give it clutter. Allow yourself to just live. I wish I could help...I have no idea how, but try to forgive yourself for those perceived faults. You're only human, and thats a wonderfully imperfect thing to be. Take care of yourself<3

[Candid]

i'm so tired of working so hard all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time . . . tears of self-pity right now.  that darling little girl had to be perfect, even before she was 2. 

Tears of self-compassion, sweet San. It's something all we CPTSD survivors are exhorted to get under our belts, right? But then in comes that danged inner critic telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself -- as if we haven't all heard that enough times from other people. Cry as much as you need to, hugging a teddy if you've got one. No one else needs to know.

That darling little girl is still there, counting on you to comfort her.  I hope you can do for her (and yourself) what you've already done for me and so many others on the board.

[sanmagic7]

so sweet of you, downsideup, your comments.  thanks.

my being perfect was a belief i was programmed into reaching for and believing about myself before i was 2.  even when i finally  got straight a's at 10, when i thought there'd be fireworks or something cuz i finally made that perfect report card, and it was barely acknowledged, i just knew that i had to keep trying harder to get some kind of recognition from my folks, which meant i couldn't let up on striving for perfection.

so i drove myself, but cracked wide open when i was 14, my best friend had moved away, i entered a new jr. high where i didn't know anyone at all, and experienced the most profound loneliness because i had no personality, just hit the books hard all the time and the loneliness finally crashed down on me, and i began sobbing in front of my parents (very messy, and not perfect at all) telling them how i felt, and neither reached out to comfort me in my terrible distress, and all my dad said was 'are you mental?  do you need to see a shrink?'. 

that shut me up and shut me down at the same time.  i knew i was on my own, had to do something to fix my dilemma so i'd never feel lonely again, constructed a new personality, and the only emotion that i couldn't control was my sadness.  all my other emotions - it was like they were corked up, not to be let out, and the alexithymia set in and i did my best to be perfect from that time on.

even my inner critic was silenced.  i knew logically that i couldn't be perfect, didn't want to be (is how i excused it) because perfection was boring.  so, if i had a run in my nylon or something, i'd just tell myself that it was a flaw that kept me from being boring, and that developed into the belief that i was perfectly flawed.  my inner critic turned into an inner excuse maker.

along with my new personality came expectations of praise, a feeling of knowing that i did well, was a great friend, a great girlfriend, a great daughter.  while i didn't get it from home, i did get praise from friends for being so wonderful, and from teachers for being such a good student, etc.  so i continued doing whatever i needed to do to get that praise that i was missing from my parents.  a bottomless pit of wanting praise, pos. recognition until i came to a point where i felt no joy in any of it, just expected it and felt no humility and really no humanity.  i'd worked hard to get it and knew i deserved it.  i just wanted more. 

and so it went.  i felt nothing at people telling me all this good stuff about myself - i expected it of myself.  i'd learned a long time ago that getting c's on my report card was unacceptable, which meant, to me, that just being ok, or being normal was not acceptable.  so, i became above the norm in every area i believed was important, which meant i believed i was perfect, and if a flaw showed up, it just meant i was perfectly flawed.

it also meant i couldn't relate to anyone else except my closest friends that brought something to the relationship that i could admire or look up to.  the rest of everyone i looked down on, some more than others.  both my first 2 hubs told me i was perfect so we all believed the same thing about me (i know now that misogynists will only choose the best and brightest women because it helps them become the envy of their friends, even tho they hate women and put them down every chance they get.  both of them were women haters).

i expected perfection from those nearest and dearest to me as well.  we were going to be the perfect couple or the perfect family.  everything was about perfection, and i was very strict about that - i modeled myself after mary poppins for a time with my daughters because she was 'practically perfect in every way' and jane and michael became perfect children as well.

it was all about reaching that non-existent goal that my parents set for me, esp. my dad, of the unrealistic expectations he held out for me to constantly fail to reach.   i lost my humanness because of it, and i've been working hard to get it back now, because it has nearly destroyed my body by not being able to recognize those emotions that weren't allowed, so they got stuffed into my very cells. 

yes, i do feel desperate about wanting to fix this cuz my fear is that i will die too soon if i don't.  when i just wrote that, i didn't know what it meant.  i've worked hard at relaxing, at resting - what oxymorons are those?  working hard to relax?  it makes no sense.  yet, i don't know another way to do this, to get something done.  i don't know how to just 'be', let alone how to just be me.  foreign language, foreign concept. 

some of this is working because more feelings are coming up.  like shame.  shame at not being perfect.  when kizzie asked for monitors for the forum, i didn't respond.  i told myself that i was too heartbroken that i couldn't make that commitment (my logical brain works overtime at finding reasons or spinning the truth, especially about emotions, cuz i can't usually recognize them) because of being too sick to say that yes, i would do that (which then entails the expectation to live up to my word, and some days i just can't do it), but yesterday i realized i was too ashamed not to be able to make that commitment, so i hid from it.  that's where shame resides - in the darkest hiding places.  well, i just brought it into the light now, so it can wither and die.

the fear of leaving the house is that there are too many days when i don't have the energy to put on a smile with people i know, and that's a sign of imperfection.  i'm afraid of being not perfect (feeling the fear is new in the last few months).  so, that fear is now brought out into the light, with its attending shame attached.  this i just realized by writing this.

figuring out who i am now, not being ashamed of being not perfect, wondering what that might look like is why i don't feel safe.  scared of the unknown.  i am the unknown.  will i crap my pants in public cuz i never can tell when my digestive pipes are going to explode?  i would collapse in tears on the spot, in my own *.  i've soiled sheets when sleeping at others' houses.  it's not that i'm incontinent, or i'd be in depends all the time.  this is random.  this is not a perfect flaw, either. 

will i let my true feelings about something or someone come out and startle others with them, with an unpopular opinion?  how do i tell someone that i don't want to see pics of their kids or grandkids, don't care what the rest of their house looks like because i'm visiting them, not their family or home.   i don't care about that stuff, and that makes me a weirdo of the nth degree.  i also immensely dislike the hypocritical and racist americans who live or visit here, and can't stand to be in their company.  i left my hub's christmas party early mainly cuz i couldn't take all the stimulation of talking and laughing around me (mostly in spanish where everyone was talking at the same time so i couldn't understand anything) but also because i can't stand his bosses, couldn't bear to be in the same room with them another minute cuz i couldn't trust myself not to say something nasty to them. 

i don't care about looking foolish or silly or laughing out loud, causing people to stare, aghast.  i figure if their lives are so boring, then maybe now they'll have something to talk about.   but i'm not conventional, and that goes against the grain of a lot of folks.   i don't want to hold babies, don't want to pet their dogs.  i don't have anything against them (i've had my own babies and pets) by i just don't want to be involved with those of others. 

i don't know how to be diplomatic in those circumstances, but doing that stuff feels like a waste of my time.  maybe it's part of my alexithymia, maybe it's cause i've never had a house as a showpiece, maybe it's cuz i don't like dogs jumping up on me or because i never asked anyone if they wanted to hold my babies.  i don't know, and i don't much care.  too much of society i just don't go along with, and here in a foreign country, the rules are different, the expectations are different, so if i avoid them as much as possible i won't be put into an uncomfortable situation where my distaste is written in bold letters all over my face.

so, i have a lot of personality stuff that is out of the ordinary, and i don't feel safe in myself not to just unleash something inappropriate.  that's scary, now that i think of it.  i can't stand his family, who lives next door, wanting to borrow something, so i do the hard thing and say no to them all the time, which is stressful, which i'm supposed to avoid.  i've had too many things that have walked off never to return. 

blecccch!  i just puked out a lot of stuff.  i guess i needed to puke.  what needs to happen with me will, no matter what i do or don't do. 

just saw your latest post, candid.  also very sweet of you to say those things.  i don't think self-pity is necessarily a bad thing, so when i said that i wasn't coming down on myself.  i've pitied myself various times over the years.  no one else ever did.

[Downsideup]

San...that sounds exhausting. No wonder you're so worn out. What happened to you when you were only 14 is heartbreaking. Your parents should have comforted you instead of mocked you. I hope you can find that comfort within yourself. Talk to that little girl and let her know that imperfection is something that is expected and allowed. I don't know much about healing yet, but I wish there was something I could do. You talk of fear, which may be a good thing after reading about the effects alexithymia. You are recognizing and feeling that emotion, which sounds like a success to me. As for the inner critic, I am usually able to combat my own with a thought-stopping process. You may not find this helpful, as you said your critic morphed into an excuse maker, but maybe give it a shot? I wish you the best of luck in this. Take care of that little girl

[Candid]

perfection was boring.  so, if i had a run in my nylon or something, i'd just tell myself that it was a flaw that kept me from being boring, and that developed into the belief that i was perfectly flawed.  my inner critic turned into an inner excuse maker.

Well I like it ... and I think you may need to tell your inner critic where to go.

i lost my humanness because of it,

No you didn't, San.  At least, you're wonderfully human in your posts.

when kizzie asked for monitors for the forum, i didn't respond.  i told myself that i was too heartbroken that i couldn't make that commitment

So? I didn't even consider it.

the fear of leaving the house is that there are too many days when i don't have the energy to put on a smile with people i know, and that's a sign of imperfection.

No, it's a sign of humanness. It's fine to stay in when you're sad. But while you're staying in, you need to be shutting up the inner critic and thinking of all the things that are so right and good (and human) about you. If I can avoid it I don't see people, go out for a walk or even take phone calls when I'm tired or in a bad way, because that involves an acting job. When we give ourselves permission to be Us, it becomes much easier to face the world with confidence.

BTW, I don't enjoy seeing photos of other people's children or grandchildren, being shown through their houses, holding babies etc. I've always politely declined the baby-holding and no one's produced a wad of photos recently. I like to think I'll wriggle out of that, too, if/when it happens again.

i left my hub's christmas party early mainly cuz i couldn't take all the stimulation of talking and laughing around me (mostly in spanish where everyone was talking at the same time so i couldn't understand anything) but also because i can't stand his bosses, couldn't bear to be in the same room with them another minute cuz i couldn't trust myself not to say something nasty to them.

I'd have been out of there, too. It doesn't make you a weirdo. At the Christmas party for H's swim group I sat on the first chair I came to and he kept an eye on my glass to keep topping it up. A few people came over and introduced themselves and I was okay enough to smile and be polite, but I asked no questions myself and didn't go looking for anyone to talk to. Come to think of it, I was just myself there... morose, perhaps. Or withdrawn. Odd thing is one couple have since invited us to their home saying they want to know me better.

It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you.

I wonder if you've ever seen the British sitcom Doc Martin?  The village doctor says exactly what he thinks, including insults, and doesn't do small talk. If people talk too long he tells them to shut up, or turns mid-sentence and marches away. I admire that!

i can't stand his family, who lives next door, wanting to borrow something, so i do the hard thing and say no to them all the time,

Yes, that's the hard thing. Do you give yourself credit for doing the hard thing, and the right thing (to protect your belongings), instead of feeling bad about it? Why do the sentiments of these light-fingered family members matter more than yours?

I was my own worst enemy for far too long and I know how hard it is to have a single moment of unalloyed joy when we're constantly finding fault with ourselves. Makes me think of something Louise Hay wrote in You Can Heal Your Life: "When you learn to love yourself. it's as if little miracles are everywhere."

[sanmagic7]

dsu, yes, i'm realizing just in these past few days how very exhausting this has been for me, making the connection to my continually being tired to the fact that i've been working at this for so long.   and, you're very right - as horrible at some levels as these past few days have been, finally feeling these emotions is a victory, finally making this connection to my self-perfectionism is what is allowing me, even as i write to be more in touch with the humanness of me, even the inner critic is ok for now, glad to make his acquaintance finally, and even the neg. stuff is all something that i'm glad of.  they were so covered up (yet so disturbing at the same time) that i didn't know what was bothering me, what i was feeling, what it meant, nothing on a conscious level. 

that's where my using and eating came in.  the distress from the disturbance was too much, i drank, smoked, drugged it away, or buried it under food.   as i continue to sit with this, to notice all these parts of me i hadn't known before, the pieces will fall into place.  i'm not worried about the inner critic right now, just getting to know him a little, but he's not going to bother me much, i don't think.  i haven't been able to relate to people posting about their inner critics - now i know what they're talking about, how it feels.  my excuse-maker (morphed is a great concept on that, by the by) was protecting me, and i'm grateful for that, for her.  yeah, she's female, inner critic is male.  she's been me taking care of my little me all this time.     thank you so much for your care and concern, dsu.  what a tremendous ally you are.

candid, what has happened to me in these past few days was the shattering of a core belief system for me.  it's like i've been encumbered by an ironclad cloak of having to continually strive for self-perfection and reading that passage from 3 roses, looking up more about it thru pete's web pages, helped me with the horrendous job of shedding that cloak.

i know all the logic about berating oneself, and like i said, that inner critic was silenced so that i could survive emotionally.  to have a peek at him now does not bother me - i haven't known of his existence before this weekend.  my excuse maker was my protector - she kept me sane, and i'm so happy she was there for me.

all these things i'm writing about this past 24 hrs. are all from the inner sanctum of that choking cloak.  the shame of not being able to commit to being a monitor came from there.  i'm a therapist, i'm a helper, my job is to help others, and, in this instance, i only just realized that the shame (which i couldn't feel at the time, just something disturbing, but i didn't know for sure what it was, so i guessed and came up with 'heartbroken') was simply connected to that cloak.

a perfect therapist, which i ascribed to being, a perfect member of this community, which i also ascribed to being and who would give back whenever called upon, under these 2 umbrellas, was shame about not being perfect in either role.  that's what was really heartbreaking to me.  in the context of the cloak, i was failing at both those roles.  in reality, i was just taking care of me.

my body and my emotions are not in a place to make that commitment, and i know, logically, there's nothing wrong with that, and that i'm not expected to do so, but the perfectionist only projected that i wasn't up to doing my job, and i should be ashamed of myself for that.  and the breakthrough happened, and i felt shame, loud and clear, for the first time in i can't remember how long.  and that's a good thing cuz it means that my human self is appearing in all her glory, warts and all.  and i know i, as a human being, have nothing to be ashamed about that.  the perfectionist did, tho. 

so, i'm in the process of gathering all these pieces together, and beginning to make sense of who i've been and why.  it was hard to know even that sentence for 2 days.  breaking down a core belief is something that is usually done in therapy, with someone to guide you through all the fears of the unknown as the parts of that belief are being destroyed and a brand new baby bird is being birthed.  like the phoenix rising out of the ashes of its former self.   that's what this feels like.

it's gonna take a period of adjustment, but i feel different in a good way, at least a little bit.  an awful lot of stress, tho, and i've been running to the john today - didn't expect it, but glad i had no where to be.  it would've been pretty crappy!  a combo of stress, meds, will do this to me.  even eating too much of the wrong food, which sometimes is veggies or fruits - too much fiber, i guess.  i can't predict anymore, and that's why i'm glad i don't have to be anywhere on a regular basis anymore.  but, i don't feel so scared right now, feel safer.  just going thru part of this recovery/healing process.  it can be bumpy sometimes.

thanks to you all for the love, caring, and kindness you've shown me, and all the support.  such wonderful support.  even my hub was able to step up and gather me in when i was so distressed about this the other day.  i don't know that a therapist could have done any better.  moving forward!