Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

Now that I'm in my third week at work, I'm starting to trust my coworkers more. I had a really fun day at work today... Not stressful. I know that won't always be the case, so today felt almost like a break and I really enjoyed it. And it lasted the whole work day, until after my shift when I had time to (automatically) replay my day in my head.

After everything in my life, you'd think I'd be more of a closed book. But after coworkers wanted to start getting to know me, I've had to think carefully about what I say and how I say it. I was laid off in Jan, went travelling in April and May, and looked for work after that. I don't want to tell people about the months before that I spent too depressed to function, nor about the months of intense therapy after that. Or anything else, really. And I don't want to lie. But people ask. So I have been saying in general that I was travelling. To the homeland for a few weeks to see family, and to (foreign country) that I really did go to. The problem here is the timeline. With my memory so bad, I can't remember and think I may have said two different things to different people regarding my int'l trip. I hope that the two people never realise I told them different things. It's a white lie, I tell myself, a difference of a gew weeks in my life to a couple months...but it could damage my credibility. Or maybe that's just my ICr talking. And speaking of that guy...

I did end up telling a few coworkers about my living situation and my relationship having ended. My ICr has been all over me now...maybe I shouldn't have said anything, maybe I am really a mean, selfish person, or maybe a chaos addict, maybe I should try to get back together with exbf because we have so much history, maybe I shouldn't live alone, maybe I won't be able to find a place. Lay off me, ICr. I was having a good day until you showed up. And I guess it's your buddy OCr making me think that something could go wrong with my coworkers, or that they would even want to be discussing my life. Both of you have no basis in reality. Both of you are not me.

Fiscally speaking, when I do live alone my rent will double, and be about half my monthly pay. So I won't be able to put much money aside. I should probably try to find a roommate to ease that cost. But then again, how much is peace of mind and my own truly private space worth, especially now when recovery, work, and quiet time are my priorities?

With regards to exbf... I came home to him playing videogames, high, like  he frequently does. He gets high every day, pretty much. He then either plays video games or works on his music. I was supportive of that for a long time... Then I felt neglected because he'd rather do those things in our time together than talk to me. Then I stopped caring about wanting to spend time with him, and started zoning out even more in life to cope with the loneliness. That's really sad.

I feel scattered and anxious tonight. I believe I am in an EF currently. Recognizing it is good, but I'd like to catch it right at thr beginning, before my thoughts start spinning and spiralling in my head. Need to get Pete Walker's book but want to finish The Body Keeps The Score and I haven't yet.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS for family violence and child sexual abuse in this post.



Yesterday was a stumble. Today feels better overall.

I had Group tonight. We drew pictures of an event that hurt us as children. It could be anything. I ended up drawing a very similar shape to the woman next to me. Quite the coincidence. My image was of me as a child, crouched down, covering my ears, outside of my home. I drew a happy-face sun over my cowering body in a moment of dark mirth.

A plate was shattering against the wall inside, exploding in violence, thrown by my M. Black pieces were falling into a pile on the floor. The explosion was huge and dominated the drawing. It started inside but reached outside as well.

I didn't know what to draw at first. Then suddenly that memory came to me. I guess I would have been 5 or 6 at this time. Theoretically we were supposed to be relating it to CSA. I realized after talking it through that there was a connection, but it was not as clear as other drawings. I realized that I have been afraid of everything inside since childhood, both inside my home and inside myself. The secrets are inside me. The violence was in my home. Because of the violence I had no trust or real connection to my M, and so it never even occurred to me to tell her what the babysitter had done. To my child's mind, my molester was more safe and trustworthy than my own mother.

We also set commitments tonight. I committed to trust myself and my decisions. Some were or will be mistakes, but I am doing the best I can at each stage in my journey.

I had been doubting whether I should have ended my relationship, but today I was reminded that I did do the right thing for me. What I need to feel safe and loved, exbf couldn't and wouldn't provide.

[Wife#2]

 

[Kizzie]

And another   

[movementforthebetter]

Thank you both for the hugs.

Am sleeping so much on the weekends now between nigjt and naps. Like 12 hours a day if I can. Not ideal but not sure I want to do anything to change it, either. For some reason my period, which is almost always absurdly late and irregular, has come back after only 3 weeks this month. I'm 36. Too soon for perimenopause, I hope. Explains my moods and other symptoms this week, though. Everything in my body is out of normal sync. Is this just because of the effects of childhood trauma, or is there something else? Years of problems and tests haven't revealed it yet.

Felt angry at exbf a lot this week, alternating with...sympathy? Not sure what it was. I'm going for lunch with our friends today but offered for him to go instead of me. He declined and I worry about his isolation.

On fb I saw the friend who is a veteran bought his wife flowers for no reason. I always wanted that kind of thoughtfullness. It's so obnoxious to see it on tv or in the movies and have guys tell you it's not real, then to see pictorial evidence that, yeah, guys CAN be thoughtful and sweet. Or at least, some are capable of it.

All I want is to be with someone who truly sees me and values me, and I see him and value him, and we work together towards our goals. I hope that's not too much to ask. I mean, it's not! But you'd think it was with the static I get. I don't think exbf will ever get it - he didn't in 9 years of me trying to make him see. My mistake with him was seeing what I wanted to see. He was kind, thoughtful, and considerate early on and I thought that's who he was, not that he was putting on a show. Once I left my homeland, the show ended pretty quick, and I was stuck.

But even with all that, I wouldn't be where I am now without him, for better or worse. So I am trying to remember gratitude today.

The living situation is tough. I want out so bad. Sounds like he'll be going back to work soon which is good. I have this cheque entirely swallowed by rent and debt again, but next one will be enough for a deposit, if I can just find a place. So few vacancies. Apparently looking for immediate move-ins is the way to do it. So may have to pay double rent. So be it. I will have to do what I have to do.

I think about how many women are kept in bad relationships by low vacancies/high rents and it makes me sad. Glad I have a job and will be out soon, though.

[movementforthebetter]

Ugh my god I just cut off one of my guimea pig's claws while trimming her. I always leave them too late because she hates it. She's old - over 6 years. One claw grew very curly a couple years ago and has been hard to cut since. And she twitched while I was cutting and I cut off the base of her toe. Exbf helped me hold her while I cleaned her and bandaged her up above her knee/elbow. He'll take her to the vet tomorrow if she seems to need it.

I feel like puking. I cried. I took a clonazepam. How could I ever handle having kids if this sends me off the deep end? I guess sometimes you just make awful mistakes and have to deal.

Edited to add - I am still crying over this. It sent me into a huge EF and guilt trip. I've caused such pain to an innocent creature and it's so hard to forgive myself.

Exbf was being nice about it and gave me a hug and let me cry about it. I wonder if he felt guilty at all. He has never once groomed any of our pets in the six years we've had them. Maybe a bath, but nothing that risked injury to them like clipping claws. Just another way I did the emotional heavy lifting. And now, once in 6 years, I screwed up, and it's resulted in a bad injury. I feel just awful.

It is compounded awfulness because tonight my IC can't bear any of the pain I've caused anyone else. I felt such a strong need to have exbf comfort me. Truthfully, he doesn't even know how. Doesn't know the value of saying it'll be ok, even when it won't. Doesn't know how to soothe. I learned this in the throes of traumatic shock and grief after my F died.

And the guilt of injuring my poor old guinea pig is morphing into the guilt of cheating on exbf when I was so alone. I wanted to tell him tonight. But why? To lift the guilt? It would only wound him deeply. Another living soul I have hurt, and he doesn't even know. I feel like a terrible person. I know I'm not, but I did do a series of terrible things, so the difference is pretty academic if I look at it through his eyes.

I didn't tell because I have no home of my own yet. Because I still want to live alone and grieve everything I thought love was. Because I have no energy to try and explain the unjustifiable when I will get up for work so early. And so I am alone again in bed, crying and trying to comfort my inner child and hoping that will be enough to comfort me.

Staying present with the feelings is so hard when they hurt so much.

[movementforthebetter]

Today was a better day. The guinea pig seems to be doing ok. I felt 8 layers of awful when it happened.

I snuggled with my plushie last night and tried to comfort my inner child. I tossed and turned a lot but fell asleep eventually.

I was busy at work and in a better mood today. It's halloween. 12 of us dressed as my boss today. It was pretty funny. 🎃

Tonight is a good night for self care, reading, and quiet relaxation.

[movementforthebetter]

This post will be a pastiche of thoughts and writings over the course of the last week.

I am stuck currently. The quality of my self-care has dropped lately. I can't handle reading othets' posts much and have no energy to reply. I had to focus hard just to post here tonight. Maybe I am in one of those Everest camps, possibly back down in the first base camp. I have energy enough for work and basic chores and that's it. Not much self-reflection lately.

Been thinking about bpd again lately. It troubles me. Am I bpd? I have been reading. I could be. And the reading I did indicated that bpd is a specific manifestation of cptsd, particularly feom child sexual or developmental trauma. Ugh. Things seem so grim for bpd people. They are the lepers of the psychiatric community.

In group last week we made a life timeline. Mine has some holes. I want to keep adding to it. It has shown me some patterns, such as dumbing myself down over the years (which I am now working to reverse).

Anger to grief (a Survivors Group assignment)

I haven't had a chance to fully mourn my lost innocence
My childhood without fear
My ability to sleep a full night
My lost time and potential
My energy
My trust
My focus and ability to earn
My confidence
My self worth
My ability to have a healthy romantic partnership
My ideal body
My delight in physicality
My comfort with touch
My easiest laughter
My ease in processing emotions
My safety in the world.

I am working on it.

This post is now going into deeper territory. Stuff I haven't told anyone at all.

Sometimes not getting my way feels like abandonment. I guess I never thought about it objectively before. In these situations there is such a heartwrenching tangle of emotions that I have never previously been able to act "rationally". I am barely able to articulate what I am feeling in times like that.

In one instance I was to go on a trip with a boyfriend. It was cancelled for some reason at the last minute. This triggered what I now understand was a multi-layered EF. It was the dissapointment of plans falling through, flashbacks to two different boyfriends, one lying about wanting to take a trip with me, and one backing out of a trip I planned for us in gret detail. Both were incredibly disillusioning. And digging deeper, there was also the pain of being forced to change schools in grade 9, losing my friends, making new friends, and getting the chance to go on a class trip with them, (my M promised) only to be told that we didn't have the money when the time came, so I had to stay behind. So 4 layers of pain in one event. I did not take it well. I cried, and probably seemed way over the top about it. Only now do I understand why.

I think I keep missing things I mean to express in my writing. This is all I can remember and get down for now.

[movementforthebetter]

So for Survivors Group I am supposed to write for a half hour about my CSA. The axtual details - not glossing it over. I don't know if I can. It will be last-minute if I do. But it's still upsetting to think about. Going into detail seems worse.

Stuck in an election feedback loop. Can't think, can't relax. Can't handle watching it on tv, can't pull myself off facebook. It's the train wreck that confirms my suspicions about humanity.

Have been feeling so down on myself the past couple days. I did look for apartments. But I am in debt, and exbf is not working with no income currently. I'm not even sure who is taking advantage of who. This is toxic codependency at it's finest. I should maybe just go deeper in debt so I can leave, but then I fear I won't be able to dig my way out. My wage minus deductions is about the same as my benefits were. It's tight, and even more so because I have been covering more expenses out of guilt. FML. I hope tomorrow finds me feeling a bit better. So close to being free... This is why it's so hard, I guess. The closer I am and the more I need it, the more it seems just out of reach. Just one more step..now one more...this one for sure...ok, now the next...and so on. One day at a time. I can do this. I can.

[movementforthebetter]

Have been noticing more confusion and distraction lately. I said something today that I was sure was right at the time, and a coworker fact checked me and agreed. Now I think we both misread the data. It's not a huge deal but it's embarrassing because I was so emphatic at the time. Now I wish I had just said nothing because I wouldn't be second-guessing myself if I had. Can straighten it out tomorrow, and hopefully no damage beyond embarrassment comes of it. My ICr is having a field day with this. And my goal was to trust myself more! 

[Three Roses]

The only people who never fail are those that never try anything. We all make mistakes, tell your ICr to buzz off! 

We're allowed to not be perfect and still see and feel the worth we possess. 

[Wife#2]

MFTB,

One thing I've found is that my co-workers are often surprised when I make such a big deal about correcting my error.

I see from their reactions that what they expected was, 'You saw that, too, right? Ok, I didn't imagine it. Next time, let's check a better website for verification.' And we laugh together and it's over.

If you feel the need to say anything at all, just keep it simple and light.

That inner critic is WRONG trying to make this molehill into a mountain. It's a blip on a radar screen, fading immediately and gone in a short time. It's not a permanent marker blotch on your face, no matter WHAT inner critic tries to tell you. Oh, and I'm currently telling MY inner critic that even if it IS a marker blotch, those DO wash off and nobody else is as aware of it as I am, so neener, neener, neener.

And a BIG COMFORTABLE HUG to you for the worry ICr has tried to stir up in you.

[Three Roses]

Think you mean mftb, wife#2.

[Wife#2]

Think you mean mftb, wife#2.

Telling my ICr to hush up! And removing foot from mouth. And editing my post because you are absolutely correct! ::: Blush ::: 

See, I can be embarrassingly WRONG and still be ok. You can be, too, MFTB!

[movementforthebetter]

Aww, thank you both. You are loving cheerleaders.       

I had another "weekend catch-up" - 11 hours of fitful sleep. I had some nightmares of zombies and being lost in some kind of cave/tunnel network, then later I dreamed about work and angry customers and missing products. It was an active subconscious night.

Am going to spend some time on my own looking for a place today. I walked my whole neighborhood a few days ago and there are a few vacancies. They are out of my price range but I might be willing to pay more for the right place and my own space.