Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

I finally started going through the recovery tools section. I was too overwhelmed before. I've copied one to have here for personal reference since I think I will use it every day. Thanks so much to Kizzie for sharing the resources.


Here's a worksheet I found at the Australian Adult Survivors of Child Abuse web site (http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php) about self-soothing:

Source: Survivor to Thriver (1999). The Morris Centre. Available: www.ascasupport.org

One of the most important skills for survivors to learn is how to soothe themselves emotionally. Most survivors never learn to self-soothe in childhood because parents who abuse are also often poor at soothing themselves and, consequently, at teaching their children to self-soothe. However, it is essential to your recovery that you develop some capacity for self-soothing early on in your recovery journey. You will need this skill as you proceed through the various stages of recovery.

Soothing is what good parents do when their children are upset. It often involves soothing touch that is warm and comforting. It can involve words that are reassuring, empathic and hopeful. It may involve activities that are physically, intellectually or sensorially nourishing, such as taking a walk, reading a favorite book or sharing a special meal. It can also involve daily practices that are spiritually uplifting and inspiring, such as meditation. When you can perform this type of caring for yourself  whatever your chosen activities may be  then you have learned to self-soothe.

You probably have you own list of self-soothing strategies. Some may be healthier than others. You will need to evaluate how you soothe yourself, so you can retain the healthy practices and try to eliminate or control the less healthy ones. Then you will need to add some new strategies that can provide extra comfort during your most emotionally challenging times in recovery.

The Ways I Soothe Myself Today (e.g., drugs/alcohol, eating, working, dissociating, shopping)






New Ways I Might Soothe Myself (e.g., exercise, meditation, journaling, warm bath, reaching out to others)

[movementforthebetter]

Here's a first look at personal soothing. As of today, I am endeavouring to honestly recognize all soothing behaviour s and examine them for how healthy they are. I won't change all or most of them right away. I will focus on one at a time and not rush before I feel ready to make a change. I may fall back into old habits sometimes but it's ok to make mistakes.


The Ways I Soothe Myself Today (e.g., drugs/alcohol, eating, working, dissociating, shopping)

Dissociating
Eating unhealthy food
Skin-picking and running fingers through hair
Manicuring
Video games
Sleeping
Masturbation
Journaling
Walking
Yoga
Self-care






New Ways I Might Soothe Myself (e.g., exercise, meditation, journaling, warm bath, reaching out to others)

Cleaning
Meditating
More excercise
Healthy food
Put on music
Draw/colour
Deep breathe
Just go outside
Read
Call/text someone
Grounding excercise

[Three Roses]

Yesterday my T suggested a free app to try out, it's called What's Up (there are several with that name, the correct one has a pic of a hand on a red background). It does look like it could help me remember what healthy thing to do to cope. Thought I'd mention it.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks, Three Roses!

[movementforthebetter]

I've been meaning to do sort of a status check for a while. It's coming up to thanksgiving weekend in Canada, which has been triggering for me for a long time. I feel like I need to say that I am basically ok, I think.

I am functioning when I have to, and just not, most of the rest of the time. I have had occaisional suicidal thoughts in the past 6 months, like maybe 3, but I recognized them as just thoughts, so for some reason I think that's not that bad. I think I am teetering on the edge of minimizing my pain, but I look at what some members are dealing with in the present, and I think that perhaps it is selfish of me to feel and act as I do, sometimes.

I have a therapist, and access to help. I have friends who love me. I am thankful for them.

I'm in a period of "self-rennovation", I guess you could call it. Pulling down the insides, shoring up the framing, and improving with each issue faced. It's so hard, but yes, I am thankful for it. And that makes this one of the first thanksgivings I have felt truly grateful for in a while.

For the last decade I have avoided most major holidays with my family. There has not been abuse from them in the last 20 years. But as a child, there sometimes was, maybe up until I was 13. Mostly it was the way I was made to feel "other" by my M and SF, and later "ungrateful" by my SM in addition to M and SF.

I was not to express my opinions unless they were about the food, which meant nodding along to politics that are damaging to society, chuckling at racist jokes, gay jokes, and later just engaging in complaining about anything and everything. I would try to counter the toxic attitudes, only to be called the above descriptors. Which would be the mildest transgression to someone who was raised to have healthy boundaries and self-confidence. But I eventually stopped countering, and instead as I became an adult, stopped visiting as much. Then stopped calling as much.

Now my M wants to be a bigger part of my life. I am taking it extremely slowly. Every text fills me with a mix of anxiety and fear. I know she doesn't control me anymore. She hasn't been mean in so long, either, but I am so scarred from my childhood, and her complete denial of it, that I don't think I can ever trust her again or ever talk to her about it. And the stuff I'm dealing with in therapy... The worst of it is also in the past. My breakup is painful but civil. New job is starting soon and I will have something challenging and stimulating to fill my days.

Sometimes I still feel I am blowing my life out of proportion... That I blow everything out of proportion. Hello, ICr, now I see you. You are not welcome in my head. I have healing to do, starting with thinking about the unique chance I will have to spend the holiday with friends and their families. My life is on a different track than theirs, yet I am one of them and will join them at the table and share "normal" celebration with them.

Haha, hopefully it won't be dysfunctional. Is a holiday ever not!?

Anyway, I am so grateful for this forum. It gives me courage and lifts me up when I struggle. I never thought I would encounter people with the same sensitivities and experiences of the world, but here you are. Thank you for being present here.

[movementforthebetter]

I spent the day looking for apartments. Wow, the pickings are slim where I live. But I am making an effort, beat my walk goal x2, and spent a beautiful fall day outside.

Am house-sitting again, so have my own space for a couple weeks. My friend left me most of a bottle of red wine. I had that with some slices of cheese and made an evening of it. Doesn't take much for me to feel it. I don't drink regularly.

Under the random blessing of a wine buzz, tonight I recognized that I have a tendency to depersonalize regarding many aspects of my life. I am so passionate and yet for the things that affect me the most, I am unable to be truly open. I also see now that I dissociate a lot easier than I thought... Pretty much as soon as frustration, annoyance, or injury pop up. I hope these new awarenesses will allow me to progress in time.

I also said goodbye to my ex-lover tonight. (just in my head.) I deleted all our texts and had a final look at his photos and deleted them, too. He is a beautiful person in so many ways, but so toxic for me at this point in my life, and maybe always. I wish him well, just like last time. Goodbye, shining soul.

In my future, no more regular drug users, including pot and smoking, and no more boozers (regularly or binging). I feel good about realizing that this is what I need for healthy interactions with others. Those three vices are just too triggering for me. I've nothing against occaisional use of anything, but substances to cope or function just dull the ability to fully experience life. I want a partner who's all in, not checked out.

Ironic that I say this after drinking, of course. C'est la vie.

[movementforthebetter]

Whew, I made it through the first day. My commute is long... Just have to deal with that. For at least two months it will be fairly bad... Waiting about a half hour just for a bus to show up, having it be packed... Being overheated and sweaty from work...sigh. But actually worth it for this job, I think. I had fun. It will always be a challenge but at least half of every day will be tasks I enjoy.

After I finally got back from work I met exbf for dinner... Unintentionally, but it took so long to get home, and I had a complication with bus fare so I ended up at our place so I could check my bank balance online easily and upgrade my bus pass. 

I was so tired that he told me what he was cooking twice and I forgot twice.

After dinner, I spent about 20min relaxing, then came to the house-sitting place. I have survivor's group tomorrow so I had to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for the day. I will get back late so I made breakfast and lunch for the next day, too. Then I had to iron my work shirts...took so long I only got through two. Then 30 min of yoga and now I'm here in bed and it's past my bed time already. I didn't even get to shower. Where did my day go?? Will have to shower in the morning and rush out the door. Hence packing breakfast. Today was rushed and I don't know if I'm ready to commit to waking  up before 5am. It's already still dark when I get to work. Unless I move closer, life will be a blur with this job. But then, I think that's adulthood, too. And I wanted to fully participate in life. This is it! Feeling decent and ready for sleep. I did the things. Tomorrow, wash, rinse, repeat.

[movementforthebetter]

Today is a tug of war inside. It was such a tiring day and so long.

I am feeling so much anger due to group therapy today, but also kinda overwhelmed with gratitude. I think my job could be good. The people seem like decent, genuine people. I think I like them.

I've also been tired all day but am now too agitated to sleep despite being tired. Hoping acknowledging it and journalling will help.

My stomach also hurts and I have some ibs symptoms. Physical tug of war as well as emotional.

Hoping to feel better tomorrow.

*edited to add*
Nope, the change of date is not helping. I am wide awake. This usually starts a spiral of anxiety over work the next day and how I can possibly function. Was really hoping therapy would have helped this by now. I had been sleeping better for a week before hand so hopefully that will be enough. Can still get another hour in if I can tire out. Deep breaths...

[movementforthebetter]

I haven't had time to write much this week, despite wanting to. New job/new life is go, go, go. Hopefully I can keep it up without burning out. Big commute plus early start means my week evenings are entirely organized around making sure that I am prepared for the next day. Iron the uniform(s), premake breakfast, shower with time to dry hair, make dinner and lunch if I'm not going to buy it, in bed by 8pm ideally. I know I sound like a whiner. I don't even have kids. My ICr won't let me forget.  It's just embarrassing and hard that I have never been able to sustain adult life organization for long. A least now I understand why.

Anyway, I am dedicated to it for this job, and will get used to it. This is what I've wanted for years. I am so fortunate that my dedication over the past few years has led to me getting the job I thought I wanted at the start of this journey. Whatever happens, I am living my dream right now, albeit a very messy version of it.  But it's still a remarkable milestone in my life and I couldn't have gotten here without the commitments I kept to myself. I am really enjoying my work and there's potential for this to continue for several years at least.

I had a painful EF last night. These are some of the things that may have contributed to it: the stress of the week finally finding an end combined with pain in my lower body, me having the tv on in the background and every show was violent, me still reading materials for work and thinking about my weakest skills, feeling lonely in general, being overtired, being overwhelmed by housework I need to catch up on, and worrying about how I can possibly find an affordable place to live on my own, and thinking about what I need to write about for Survivors Group. On top of everything, I frank two pints of beer in celebration on my first weekb but maybe it just lowered my guards on thw feelings instead of leaving me happy. I ended up feeling overwhelmed by guilt for past actions and wanting to talk to exes. My ICr got going and I tried to quiet or discredit it by giving ot Jon Lovitz's voice. I still feel like I don't control it though, like it is separate from me. So I cried and went to bed.

Today I feel better, so that is good. I got enough sleep. I did have a terrible nightmare, though. Something about tiny worms. I woke myself up by crying out in my sleep. I looked it up and the interpretation is:

"Worm

To see a worm in your dream represents weakness, degradation, filth and general negativity. You have a very low opinion of yourself or of someone in your life. The dream may also relate to self-esteem issues or a skewed self image. Alternatively, dreaming of a worm may be a metaphor for someone who is untrustworthy or slick.

To dream that the worm is crawling on your body indicates that you feel someone around you is taking advantage of you and feeding off your kind heartedness.

I am supposed to write a letter to either a sexual abuser, or a caregiver that was neglectful at the time. I find myself afraid to do it.

I have a couple days for me to focus on self care and get set for next week. I will see friends today for a bit. This weekend will be mostly insular but nice.

[movementforthebetter]

Just did yoga. Wow, it was very painful, and I fell back to basically beginner level. But I feel much better. So I guess this week was a big somatic buildup combined with hard use of my body tightening everything up. Will have to find time during the evenings this week to keep things from getting so bad again.

[movementforthebetter]

Am in bed now, absolutely spent. I came home, microwaved leftovers, did errands that could be done online, and that's it. Long-term me wants me to do yoga. Gentle-on-myself me wants to go to bed now. My compromise will be to go to sleep by 8 and do yoga before showering tomorrow. So up at 4am. I can manage it but with group after work it will be a long day and work/group will be all that happen.

The job is on concrete all day and it's very hard on my legs. I bought some "orthotic" insoles but they didn't really help. My two little toes on each foot went numb. So back to living with aches til I find something better. My knees are particularly tender when I take the stairs, and prior to the job they had been a lot better. So two things needed: more muscle development (physio) for my knees, and probably weight loss. I bet even 10 pounds would help. Will eat salad for lunch for a few weeks and see if that helps. Otherwise, the job is really enjoyable so far and the days fly by. Been looking my whole work life for something like this and it's early to declare victory, but so far the fit is good.

Got a link to an interesting article about the link between bpd and trauma. Gonna read it and if it's good will post it.

Been procrastinating on my letter for group tomorrow. This is the really tough work. I have been so committed up til now about facing everything. This one is complicated. Will write something in the break btwn work and group. Just not ready to go there until I absolutely have to.

Had an interesting dream last night that I was wandering/slightly lost in my neighborhood. It was late September but the cherry blossoms were falling. Magnolias in bloom, too. Lovely. I was also in a cute deli ordering a pastrami sandwich, haha. They had local cheese for sale to one side. Odd dream... Maybe I was hungry? I think the trees might actually be telling me something, though.

Ok, to bed now. Beautiful sleep.

[Three Roses]

Look into compression socks for your legs. You'll be amazed how much it helps.

[movementforthebetter]

Just got off work a half hour ago. Sitting in a café now. I am exhausted, but moreso, I just wanted to rest my feet for a bit. Been on them all day. Up ladders and down, walking stairs many times and standing a lot on concrete. My legs are cooked by the end of the day, like two overdone hams. Gonna get some energy to find new insoles soon, before I go home. All I want to do is go home and lay down and I don't even have energy to finish my commute.

Have had pretty strong emotional flashbacks the past couple days. Even had a real flashback during yoga last night. I would say I caught my ICr 5 times or so over the past couple days. It's been hard to discredit it, but I did realize it was the ICr, so that in itself is an improvement over how I used to react to situations at work.

Ok, think I may have it in me to move again.

Edited to add... After an hour or so looking in a mall, finally managed to find compression socks. Men's only. I'll deal. Found insoles, too. Heading home at last.

Group yesterday ended up being cancelled, but because of my early shift I didn't see the email. Found out when my T called 20 min before the start time.  This means we'll make up a date at some point.

Ok, heading home to ideally veg but realistically do yoga and make food and do laundry.

[movementforthebetter]

I guess I am in a setback at the moment. Probably an EF, too. I am in bed and was thinking about crawling into bed an hour earlier than usual.

The world breaks my heart. So much injustice. Everything is triggering me today. It doesn't help that we started the day with a fire drill. That set my nerves off and then any loud sounds all day made me jump. Then bad attitudes, bad news, feeling a bit sick and a bad commute did me in. I was riding waves of panic today. None dod me in, but still hard to bear while pretending on the outside that Everything was fine.

I had a major skin picking attack tonight. Hadn't done it in a couple weeks but tonight my ICr got the better of me.

I think I am a control freak. All my relationships seem to be balanced along lines of power. I feel at times like this that I have nothing to offer and no way to achieve my goals. No power in my life creates an obsession in me to try and control my surroundings, which I can't. So then I try to control my relationships, which I also can't, so I end up self-isolating. What man worth his salt would bother with someone so complicated as me, who is terrified to be vulnerable?

I want so badly to be truly seen; truly and unconditionally loved. I fear I will never really have it with another person and am afraid I may not learn to truly see myself and unconditionally love myself. I hope just acknowledging this is a step in that direction, though.

So tonight is extreme self care. Sadness is allowed. Feeling despair and early bedtime - totally allowed. Tears have happened.

Good things today (there were a few) include my legs and feet feeling better with the combo of insoles and compression socks. Only the usual knee sore in the usual spot.  It's my last night with the cat. Furry cuddles with a purr monster have been nice.


Tomorrow is another day. Likely a better one. Today is a wash, so I'm glad I'm calling it.

[movementforthebetter]

Today was a better day overall but I still felt emotionally under the weather. I slept a lot. Had 2 naps with the cat curled up right beside me. It was sweet and nice. I guess he wanted closeness with someone else, too.

Did yoga - ab day - oof. Cleaned up my friend's place and packed up. Am back at my place with exbf now. Trying to stick close to my early mornings, so going to bed now whole he stays up. We are now on almost totally opposite schedules.

Gut has been pretty upset today. Yoga's supposed to help with that. Ab day might help extra if I'm lucky. Have had some work thoughts pop into my head, so the gut might be related to that, or to the shift back to living with exbf. Either way, can't change anything now, so might as well get some rest.