Out of the Storm

I decided I had enough memos saved in my phone, notes in my notebook, and thoughts in my head that it would be helpful to start putting them together in one place. This won't exactly be chronological so I'll include original or approximate dates for the first while. If you read this, please assume there's TRIGGERS in them thar hills. If you read this and get any value from it, I'm glad.

May 24th These are the questions I want to resolve by the time I am done EMDR. Copied from a website about how to leave a partner that you still love. Easily googleable.


Questions to ask yourself about your life:

Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
If not now, when?
Who do I admire?
What did I want my life to be like when I was young, naïve, idealistic, passionate?


Questions to ask yourself about leaving men who aren’t good for you:

What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?

June 14th. OOTF about 3 weeks at this point. This was my first or second session with my T.


Other trauma to process:

Dad's death and moving through loss/abandonment.

Invasive medical procedures (internal medicine, dental, etc.)

Crowded , hot & confined spaces

People who don't stop talking about themselves and talk a mile a minute so I can't get a word in.

Chronic insomnia. Started in my last year with J.

Disordered eating/healthy coping.

Finding pornography at 5.

Family secrets and shame. Mental illness and suicides.

June 11. Whoops, T started the week of June 5th. I knew I wanted to go since January. At first I thought I wanted a feminist therapist, but then I found my trauma focused T. Some things below I realized in between sessions.

Men in life symbolized fun, vacations, escape from the anger of my  uPDM.

Don't know how to be still in tension, present in anxiety.

Other manifestations of stress: Jaw clenching and neck/shoulder tension. Chronic insomnia.

June 16th

Dreamt I couldn't find a home. Was in a weird apartment with two rooms separated by part of another apartment. Knew I would need to spend more and I couldn't. I started hiding food and binging again. (some kind of processed meat like ham). UGH.

I am feeling fear about being able to provide for myself and still live my ideal life.

Woke up disoriented and anxious. Decided to get up and do some yoga.

I realize that as much as my bf hasn't done one specific thing that broke my trust I haven't felt emotionally safe with him in years. It was a series of transgressions and choices that showed me we were not a real match but I ignored these incidents. Probably since 5 yrs ago or even before, since the road rage incident. So 8 years then?

I feel very alone. Just sad and scared for what I will have to do before I can get better. And for how I will do it and what I will have left on the other side.

Lots of crying today despite making an effort to go outside a lot.

Realised my sleep problems may have started around 14 or earlier. I was forced to change schools for grade 9 and lost my friends. I would wake up too early and go for long walks alone.

Eating problems may have started in elementary or junior high. We had food insecurity as kids with mom. I sometimes stole candy or money to get junk food, which I think I associated with abundance because my friends could have it whenever they wanted. I started eating alone in junior high when I'd go on long walks.


The next day I remembered my recurring childhood nightmares of a monster cornering me in an abandoned van.

June 25th

Swearing as a form of violence but also an expression of pain. Does it perpetuate the cycle of violence within myself?

Realization that I am very vulnerable right now, and was after J and especially N.

I actually believe that only a few guys I have been with have not manipulated or emotionally abused me. Everyone else has. Not all intentionally but some did. The common denominator being that I chose them.

Are non-dysfuntional people outnumbered in the world?

Things I can say to myself and my inner child: You are safe. You deserve love, kindness and respect. You can handle this.

Realization that I was technically raped or at least sexually assaulted, mentally and physically if not legally, within relationships by various bfs and that I facilitated my own violations repeatedly by not enforcing my own boundaries and sexual agency. There were a lot of times where I was reluctant to have sex, did not want to, but acquiesced to appease my partner. I nearly always put his needs above mine. No was met with sulking and I was made to feel guilt and shame. Was this intentionally manipulative? In many ways I was groomed to this role from when I was a little girl. My responsibility was to be available. This makes me feel sick sad and angry.

July 7th

Thursday. So much anger directed towards men that have wronged me.

July 8th

Dreamt that I was trying to spend time with N. but he said he couldn't because he had to wash his truck. The only way he would was if I pressure washed his truck for him while he went on vacation. (* dreams, lol) I saw through this manipulation and said no and held firm. I also told my friends about this and they were angry at him/happy for me. Woke up feeling some clarity, calm, resolved, and good.

July 11th

Dreamt of showing portfolio projects with no notice I would be included in group presenting. Was unprepared and disorganized. Did not have photos of finished work. Was professionally dismissed. Intense shame. Blamed self but also blamed instructor a bit. Wanted to go home. Lost opportunities.

Because of disorganization I woke feeling that I can't handle/don't want design job I applied for. It feels too far out of my comfort zone and I am afraid of more shame and being exposed as a fraud.

But did get callback for another job. We'll see how that goes.

Am wondering if there is any difference between abandonment and betrayal? Betrayal as a word sounds more malicious and it has happened to me a few times for sure. In anger I see betrayal and in grief I see abandonment.

July 12th

Tuesday. The same anger at men in my life is back along with anger at how people have taken advantage of me and how it's my job to ensure they don't. Like telling boys and men not to rape, how about we start teaching people not to take advantage of others? Anything less is victim blaming. I don't buy that gaining advantage at the expense of others is human nature. It's not my nature. I am not unique nor am I broken in that way to my knowledge. Yet most men I have dated have been either selfish and vain or else trying way too hard. I just want to be with someone who can consistently demonstrate that they value me without smothering me.

Part of the reason I don't ask for help more is that I have been hurt so much and no longer believe that help can come without conditions. Part of it is shame over my past. Part of it is that even if the help I need does  exist I still have trouble believing I am worthy of it. But today I am angry and sobbing and feel so alone. I know I am not really but yet we all are and I just want to scream * you! to every person that ever let me down.

I want to leave my relationship soon but therapy will be a few more months. I have no money anyway. I need a job for more money as everything I have goes to therapy currently and therapy will be at least a few more months. A friend said I could ask for help but I haven't because of everything above.

I feel so needy, or is it just that my friends aren't meeting my needs right now?

https://youtu.be/KEXQkrllGbA

Thanks, Danaus.

Today was the first day of EMDR. My T wanted to start early, and work forward from childhood incidents. I had about 8 sessions to build coping skills before today. I think this was very helpful and I would recommend that to anyone else considering EMDR. I had already started some processing anyway between sessions and my time here, so I was ready to go today.

I couldn't find a lot of info on what it was like from the client's perspective. I know each T will be different and experience will vary. For me I have the option of a 1hr or 2hr session depending on the complexity of the trauma being dealt with. Only 1 issue per session. Some Ts use a wand or device as a tool to focus on. But mine didn't use a wand or anything. She waves two fingers back and forth in front of me about 3 feet from my face for approx 1 minute at a time. During this minute I think about and feel the emotions and body sensations of the trauma, all the while tracking her fingers with my eyes only. She moves fast and for me it's physically hard to focus. I can't be sure but speed might be related to the intensity of what the T is observing.

Today's session was 1 hour & the issue was me finding pornography at age 5. I have lost most of the memories around this. I rated the trauma as a 5 out of 10 for intensity but didn't feel much about it generally. I knew it happened and I was there but usually only feel confused when talking about it. Did it influence my preferences as an adult and was it actually traumatic?

Almost immediately I welled up and discovered I was afraid and ashamed. I stayed with these feelings for a couple intervals and then they transitioned to body sensations. Tight chest, clenched jaw, tight legs. And after a couple intervals they mostly relaxed. I thought I felt better. My T asked what I noticed next and I found the next level of tearfullness. This went on and on, cycling in and out of different levels of grief, sorrow, body panic, etc. My T was there with me the whole time and called me back if I started to drift away, which I did do a couple times.

By the end I no longer felt confused. I understand that my parents had absolutely no clue what they were doing raising me. My dad left his porn where I could find it, and I did because I was a normal, curious kid. I was also an honest kid, so when I found it I asked permission to look at it. And my parents fought in front of me. I might have been punished too. I was very afraid, I thought I was a bad person. I started countering these thoughts with the knowledge that I am goood and safe. I think someone compared the experience to peeling an onion, and it really was like that. I was so surprised at how many layers there were. I have a week until my next session so it will be interesting to see what comes up between now and then.

I have much more real life stuff to write about tomorrow. My time not in therapy hasn't been wasted. Progress is happening surprisingly fast in some ways even if my writing doesn't make that clear.

Today is recovery day. I am very tired. I'll probably add some more entries here today since it looks like I'll be spending most of the day in bed.

About 3 days ago I noticed my leg pains getting worse again. I had taken a break from yoga because I was feeling emotionally triggered. It's been a few weeks now and I think I am suffering without it. Dropped from being able to do 7 pushups to 5. Pain that was just in my knees settled into major tight calves. I have been rolling my legs but for some reason stopped my physio excercises. I was still trying to walk a lot when I could. Maybe I have aggravated my existing weaknesses.  I addressed the calves after emdr yesterday and was able to release a lot of the pain. But some of it seems to have moved around. I am chasing it up and down my legs with my foam roller. My outer left upper thigh and inner left thigh seem the worst now. Since I have nothing better to do I will spend the day getting to know the pain and see if I can't release any more of it. Was starting to worry if it might be a serious side effect of the meds I started in May. Or maybe gout? Most of the 15 pounds I had lost since April have come back. I like to hope they came back as muscle but oh well anyway. But with the stress of life and therapy my fod choices have been inconsistent and leaning more towards unhealthy so regaining makes sense.

I was afraid to sleep last night. Afraid of my dreams. I don't remember anything though and am just very tired today so I guess my body os telling me in every way possible to rest, and I will listen. My mood is ok. Content, I guess. Not up or down. Just being.

Some thoughts I had very late one night that I have expanded upon:

I go through stages of life, drift off course, then wildly course correct to try and fix my life. I wonder if rhere are a lot of people that do this too? I don't seem to know any. I would probably have seen that as drama on others and stayed far away. So does my lack of consistent and incremental progress isolate me?

I want to settle into some kind of maintainable stability so that I don't have to keep starting over.

I would say that I have had 4 major life periods or phases as an adult and all are timed around changing relationships. I don't know if that is coincidence or if it's because I was always looking for some sort of saviour in the past and placed relationships above all other goals.

I can and do speak harshly at times, and I have a temper. Both of which I picked up from my M. I have probably wounded people with my words, especially my bf. And yet I usually feel like I have no voice.

I feel crazy for wanting certain things from my bf that I tried to force him to provide and he wouldn't. Whose failure is that, really?

As I have wondered from time to time, could I have a more serious mental illness and not know it? I do not trust that my M has told me everything, or that she even knows everything that is wrong with her since she has been in and out of treatment her whole adult life like me. I took an online bipolar screening and it came up negative which made me cry with relief. But I still think it might be possible. I will have to look more carefully at my past and try to be very fact oriented rather than emotional.

I have had a high number of boyfeiends, jobs, and homes, especially compared to my friends. It is sad that instability has been so woven into my life even at times I didn't seek it out.

The reasons I am estranged from my family are:
Denial of reality by my M and my own shame and anger. Dislike of my SF. Nothing at all in common. Unable to be seen as my own person.

Shame and feeling a need to prove my worth to my F and SM. SM is highly judgemental and a victim blamer. Blamed my M for the fact that my F beat M up. Said I was lazy and ungrateful when I know now I desperately needed therapy. I wanted to prove I "made it" with a good, stable job I liked, be healthy and happy, have some form of improved status, and a solid, loving relationship. It never happened before F died. I am still angry with her and don't know if I will contact her again.

I feel like my bf and I are each fighting internal battles that require our full attention. In general he seems stable and I wonder if I have made him more unstable? He makes some efforts to express his vulnerabilities to me regarding his work but that's about as far as his EQ goes. I think I share those vulnerabilities in the same way, but worry that I might actually be blaming because he has told me I do this. And yet I feel like I carry too much responsibility. I also inherited an awful martyr complex I am trying to shake.

My expectations for a relationship are probably disproportionate to what I can offer a partner.

I want a spouse/partner who challenges me kindly to be my best and consistently reminds me of his feelins without smothering. I want a partnership where we reach together for common goals but we each have separate and full lives as well. I want to be able to offer the same supports and love to my partner. I have been doing this but don't feel I have been getting it in return, ever. Is this unrealistic or will I be able to have this?

I have been pulling further from B recently. It has been a gradual process almost too slow to notice except for when I have been away a while, and then I am very distant. I get that way because when I have time and space to think I start examining our relationship and come back unable to honestly discuss my thoughts and feelings with him.

I have enough terrible traits that I really worried I have a PD. In relationships, out of insecurity and love-drunkeness I both love-bomb and push-pull. I am afraid of intimacy but it is what I want most. All partners have been unavailable emotionally or otherwise. If I hurt my partner it is usually without intent but sometimes I act out or lash out.

I have started acknowledging my feelings by just saying hello to them. Hello anxiety, etc.



I am trying to adjust and have more realistic expectations of myself and others.

Sleep was messed up last night due to being so tired during the day.

Had a strong ef and had to leave bed and move to the living room to be by myself. Again with the lonely, needy, abandoned feelings but also angry. I tried everything last night and I guess I just eventually wore myself out and fell asleep. Inner child talk didn't work, grounding didn't work, visualization and mindfulness didn't work. Thought stopping, acknowledging and reframing didn't work. I had a cry and held a stone I've chosen for grounding and waited for the darkness to pass.

I have almost for sure decided to ask friends for help to leave my bf. Whether it's just help to make a good plan, or for more substantial help like a place to crash or contributions towards my own place, I think I need the help and am punnishing myself by not being honest about it.

My recovery is challenging within my relationship. I'm trying to pretend things are normal when they clearly are not. When bf is around it's so much harder to do my own thing without physically leaving. I'm realizing how many things that happen in our daily lives are triggering me. Things I never used to question.

I don't know if I should live alone or with a roommate. I like the idea of a companion but then it's not like I can trust my recovery details and needs to just anyone. Nor can I guarantee a regular schedule or consistency to anyone else righh now. I still have some time to figure it out.

I don't know why, but last week I was compelled to write out my deepest wounds and who perpetrated them against me. It did help me to see some patterns in my life. I hope it will help me moving forward. At least I have named the guilty, pointed the finger, and I can remember as needed while I work on my soul. I didn't find writing about it triggering at the time but I do now so I will add them one at a time to lessen the overwhelm.

Abandonment & Fear of Being Alone

M raging and being unloving and neglectful

F leaving M and us repeatedly, taking our furniture, taking the car, saying he wouldn't/couldn't pay child support

Partners
R working too much, then taking my dream career for his own rather than helping me

J cheating on me twice, giving up on us

Best Friends
A literally leaving me homeless when I needed her most

M destroying our friendships though not entirely her fault

J the earliest one. Suddenly stopped talking to me and wouldn't tell me why. To this day I don't know what happened.

N stopped talking to me when our mothers got in a dispute. Bow I am pretty sure that was my M's fault.

Physical/Sexual Abuse
M for violence

F for violence. Possible sexual abuse? Did leave porn where I could find it. Was there more to it than that? Probably best not to know.

Babysitter when I was a kid molested me. She was old enough to know better. I realize now she was acting out her own abuse on me and my B. Have not EMDR'd this yet but might next session.

R punching a hole in the wall and rhen coercing me into sex. Ugh.

D performing unwanted sex acts on me without consent and my explicit unwillingness beforehand. Exponentially worse ugh.

Random road rage incident with a huge man screaming obscenities inches from my face while two men, one of them my bf, did nothing to intervene. I was in shell shock and literally scared to death. I thought he was going to beat me in the street. It was gender violence. He kept screaming @&$! in my face to really drive it home. I doubt it would have happened like that to a man.

Emotional Abuse
M was abusive almost every day.

SM could be abusive when getting on her holier than thou soapbox.

Most of my bfs were emotionally abusive, including my current one. There were 3 I can say were not, and I am glad for them. None of the non-abusive ones lasted long.

At least two bosses and some coworkers.

I have been emotionally abusive at times. I am ashamed of this now that I realize my actions were abusive.

Helplessness/Learned Helplessness
M  :dramaqueen:

Some bfs

Some coworkers  :dramaqueen: :dramaqueen:

Me sometimes.

Fear of Failure/Perfectionism
M and SM

Judgement
M, SM, F and SF.

Loss of Control/Powerlessness
M forced me to move schools, threatened to cut off my extracurricular activities (The only thing I cared about at the time), gave no support when I chose my major & predicted my failure, took credit for my creativity.

R stole my dream from me and developed it for his sole benefit.

J questioned the worth of my passions and disability plunged us into poverty.

Low Self Worth
All FOO

Boyfriends

Me (self talk, intrusive thoughts)

Guilt (Over Placing My Needs First)
M

SM

Boyfriends

Scarcity/ Fear of Poverty
M

F/SM

J & B

Me (past poor choices)

Shame/ Fear of Inadequacy
All FOO

R, J, & most BFs

One of the things I hope therapy will resolve is my reaction to unexpected loud sounds. My heart races, chest tightens, sometimes I blink or cringe uncontrollably. The other morning I heard aggressive yelling outside and right away my throat closed up, jaw clenched, muscles tensed and I was anxious and afraid. At the same time I felt compelled to go outside. I wanted to make it stop and see if people were ok. This feeling is what I imagine toxiplasmosis to be like... Being clearly unwell yet wanting to put myself in harm's way.

Just posting about my situation with my friends on the friends board has sent me into a tailspin. But I see it, so I think I can interrupt it. Posting about it now to remind myself that I am strong enough to handle myself with care.

Man, typing that made me cry, though. Even in my positive moments there is a lot of pain. I'm just trying to let it be and let me be.

I got up early and did yoga and physio again. I was having resurgences of knee pain without all the excercise. Walking alone isn't enough for me.

I called to follow up in a job I applied for recently. I went straight to voicemail so just left a message, but at least I made the effort, and the ball is out of my court again.

I am learning new life skills. I have to expect a few more weeks of hard adjusting, I think. But I am at least figuring out my ideal routine.

EMDR will really pick up starting tomorrow. I am a bit scared. I am also hopeful. Last session was so dramatic and I didn't think I even HAD strong feelings about the incident we addressed.

I have EMDR probably into next month. I have the caged tiger feeling. I am pacing within my life, desperate to get out. In the meantime I have been making progress. Looking for work, reaching out to friends, taking care of my health. I am doing the best I can and it's probably worth more in the long run than I think.

Today was a good day!

I learned about object constancy. I think this might be an actually life-changing piece of knowledge. The idea that my very ability to trust and trust in love and affection had never been able to develop properly because of the chaos at home makes so much sense. And now I understand the actual root problem of my "neediness". As suggested in a thread on this topic, there are a few ways I can address it. I can find people I can reach out to who won't judge but will reliably respond. That sounds pretty hard given how busy everyone's life is. I can keep mementos or photos to remind me of closeness. I can ask people to write a short note or a card about me that I can refer to. The mementos or photos sound the most realistic of those options. I will see if I can find any others, too.

Had my 2nd EMDR therapy today and it was a fairly calm session and I left feeling good after it. I think it was less intense for several reasons. 1 being that the issue was a "less severe" one. 2 being that I had been through the first session and knew what to expect. 3 being that I had already "uncorked" my feelings and didn't die, so I was more confident in my ability to witness my reactions to the memories.

I feel like the pieces of me I always thought were broken are starting to fit together in a new way that's starting to look whole. I know there will be setbacks but it was nice to have today to know what is possible.

I felt grateful for my journey today for the first time. That might actually be a really big deal. Forgot to mention it to my T, will do so tomorrow.

I talked with a friend tonight, and will talk with another tomorrow. I can't deny that this path would be a lot harder than it is without them. Another thing to be grateful for.

I just enforced a boundary! I told an acquaintance friend for the third and final time to stop asking me about her MLM company. I have struggled to the point of pain in the past but this time I took the time to write a thoughtful reply, inviting her to see us and reinforcing that I appreciate her thinking of me. I told her I was not interested in the mlm as I said before, but that I was looking firward to the next time I saw her.

It was awkward because she also invited another friend in the same email, so I worried about potentially upsetting more than one person. But ultimately I was totally cordial and considerate. At this point she is being inconsiderate, and if she asks again I will ignore it. Anything other tgan how I respond is beyond my control.

 :cheer: :cheer:

Time to write about EMDR session 3. It was hard to get to this one for some reason. It was harder to participate in, too. Having sessions two days in a row is a lot to sift through. I both felt like I had less to feel about this target, but also that I was having a harder time getting in touch with my feelings.

The target was me being parentified after my dad left us. I felt sadness, grief and fear, mainly. But I also felt more distant from the memory this time. The situation itself was so complex that focusing on the feelings of just part of that day is difficult. It was chaos from morning to night. I was able to see clearly that I was abandoned by 3 seperate adults that day, that everyone including myself was afraid, and that it was totally wrong to say to me that I should look after my mom and not let her cry anymore. I was a child in pain and totally ignored and minimized. It was harder to connect to body sensations. I have felt a lot of self blame around events that day, as if as a child I could have influenced anything that happened. I felt myself slipping a lot and trying to pull in present logic to the memory. I'm not sure if that was avoidance or dissociation. I don't think I have fully reprocessed this target yet, so will likely have to do more next session.

This target is one of the things I see as a core trauma so it probably makes sense that it's more difficult to reprocess. The night after the srssion it occured to me that it's possible the plans I am making for my future are actually me fulfilling my role in the cycle of abuse. That was upsetting to think. I don't think I can over-analyze it though. I am doing what I think is right. I don't know what else I could do. (I could go elsewhere than home, but if I did, could I respect and love myself for it?) Still struggling with what is healthy self interest and what is not.

TRIGGER WARNING for this post on self harm. This post talks about self harm behaviours but is more about exploring the motivation for the behaviour than the result or the behaviour itself.

I have picked at my skin since I was about 16 and I started noticing things to pick at. Prior to that I used to bite my nails badly. I still do that if I break one, or have a hangnail. But I have cut down a lot. Skin picking is another matter. I definitely learned this behaviour from my M, who picked at her own skin and also mine. I continued it on my own as I grew up. This last 2 years it has really escalated, and I am trying to stop doing it but I am not having much success so far.

I do it when I am stressed. I do it to release the stress. It has become disruptive in my life. I would try to hide it but still do it at work, making like I was scratching an itch but really picking at a blemish. I do it to any part of my body I can reach and any time my mind is not fully occupied and turns to anxiety.

Even writing about it fills me with anxiety and I feel compelled to pick. And more upsetting, I noticed today that I felt compelled to do it in response to kind words from a friend. Why?!? What about kindness makes me turn on myself? It's like my mother posesses my body and makes sure I know I am unworthy of love for myself from anyone, and my fingers make sure that is a visible message. But it's not her anymore. It's me. I am the one doing this and I am the one that needs to own it and stop it.

I have red spots, scabs and scars all over my body. I told a psychiatrist and group in therapy about this approx. 15 years ago and the Dr. flatly dismissed me, saying it wasn't self harm and was not at all comperable to other forms of self injury. To be honest I think being dismissed has made it wore in the long run. My current T is less judgemental and asked questions but didn't offer an opinion.

My M has significant scarring visible on her face. I am worried that as I age I will totally ruin the visible parts of my body, to say nothing of the areas I normally keep covered. I try to hide the picking but have stopped hiding it in front of my bf. I want to stop and have tried to sub in other healthier behaviours like manicuring or massaging but my mind has not made the switch yet.

I will talk to my T about the negative reaction to kindness and love. I suspect it's a part of my core concept of self worth that hasn't been resolved yet. I know it's not healthy and yet I still can't stop. But now it's out in the open, so hopefully I can move on soon.

You're very courageous to talk about this. As a recovering nail biter and skin picker, I totally recognize it as sh and I'm sorry you were invalidated about it. Maybe they were just thinking you were trimming your nails with your teeth, but you and I know it's more than that.

I also can relate to your anxiety increasing at a kind word. For me, it feels like, "What do they want, will they want to get closer? How do I act here, what's the acceptable thing to say?"

I was actually reading about healthy alternatives to self harm today, and liked one about drawing on yourself. Someone else here suggested holding ice cubes in your hand. (I tried to give you a link but the forum won't use the words in the title.)

Keep posting, you're with people here who understand.  :hug:

Thanks for your kind words, Three Roses. I've been making a lot of efforts since last week to be in touch with friends and to let them know as much of my story as I can. The responses have all been kind. I am so lucky to have them. Part of me believes I don't deserve them and that's the part that compells me to pick. That part of me is also the part that compells me to self destruct in other ways and it lies so convincingly that I used to believe it all the time. I don't believe it all the time anymore, but I don't know if I'll ever totally shake it. But I've nurtured these friendships over years and I know I have so much love to give. I just need to learn to accept it, too.

I also think I may have been in an EF since last week's EMDR session. That hasn't helped.

I think I'll expand on this in a more general post about hiding pain. I suspect others may be able to identify inone way or another.

My mother and I found working in clay helped. Clay feels like skin. Scraping away all the imperfections from a work in clay relieved my urges to pick. My mother also made sure we both always had a piece of silly putty with us at all times.

https://youtu.be/ieSBwEzbe-s

So it just occurred to me that my M picked at me and aside from goodbye hugs as an adult, that's the only time she touched me once I hit puberty. I don't think she touched me much before that, either. So not only is it self harm but it was also one of the only ways of soothing that I have ever known.  :fallingbricks: No wonder it's so hard to stop doing it. There's a whole subconscious level that if I stop, not only do I remain "imperfect" but I also lose her contact. It never occurred to me before that picking is my main memory of closeness to my M and one of the few times I *thought* she cared.  I know now that was not a caring action, but it was hard-wired into me as one. Would it count as more abuse? Maybe? But it was not love.

So I need to replace it with something easy to become automatic, something tactile. Clay is a good suggestion, Danaus, thanks. I am trying to keep a small stone with me to fidgit with. It's a good shape for my fingers. I find a lack of pockets to be an issue so am considering having a pendant made or just looking for one that would fit the bill. It would be better for the action to be self-loving, but I don't think I can get away with massaging myself all the time.

I went to a new-age shop where they sold crystals and stones; I didn't read the descriptions but instead closed my eyes and handled them  (feeling foolish all the while). One of the stones felt different to me, and so I read its description. It was exactly what I was looking for! (It was aventurine.)

While I don't put a lot of power in crystals and stones, there is something comforting about them. I keep several around to slip in my pocket to fiddle with in stressful situations, and have made a couple into necklaces.

Just got home from EMDR session 4.

I talked to my T about the picking and how kindness triggered it. She suggested maybe I could try an eraser or something small that it's ok to destroy -putty came up, too. She said it's extremely common for women survivors to be unable to accept kindness or compliments, that it takes time to adjust. So I guess I was having a setback in that regard last week. There's a chance we will spend a session on just the pickung to see if it helps because it's a maladaptive soothing behaviour, and she's done it for addictions in the past with success. I am curious about that.

Overall, from the things I talked about with regard to my life and relationship she said she's hearing self worth coming up so that is good progress. I keep being hard on myself when I slip into one of the unwanted behaviors but those slips are tied into some really important realizations I have made so I am still on track. I am now face to face with my fear of being alone, which is greater than my fear of staying and being unhappy, even though I know it's irrational.

Today we continued reprocessing being parentified. The image of me as a child is now more clearly a memory, rather than directly connected to me, if that makes sense. I accepted that I was/am deserving of care and emotional support. My phrase for integration was "I am worthy". But entwined with that is now the knowledge that even in the face of the pain of others, I am still worthy of care, love, and emotional support. I also know that I had no power to leave then, but I can now leave anyone, anytime things become unhealthy for me. And that this isn't running from my problems but choosing what is in my best interest.

This was a very emotional day for me and a big one. I think this is the laying of the foundation for my future happiness and well-being.

 :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:

Well done, you!

Thanks!

I just noticed something interesting. My T asked yesterday if I could just sit with the urge to pick. Just notice it. I've been trying to without too much luck. The anxiety usually becomes unbearable. But just now I noticed that I had run the clock out on my anxiety (first time I've ever noticed it without needing sleep due to an ef or panic attack). And underneath the anxiety is nothingness.

I think it might be the emptiness that others refer to. I've never been aware of it before. It's scary. But still I'm just observing. Is this what actually causes my anxiety? And all the urges and maladaptive behaviours? I'm in a surprisingly zen mood writing this, but also expecting the other shoe to drop at any point.

With regards to my self-esteem and highly critical nature, is it a fear reaction to the threat perceived by "being nothing"? Such a statement would reinforce my M's abuse and neglect.

Having this thought made me stop writing for a couple minutes brought on a pick fit so I think that's a yes! But I also pick in response to kindness, so in that case am I still afraid of being empty, or am I afraid/anxious that I am important (and have to live up to that somehow)?

Further implications: have I somehow been dissociating through picking, binge eating, even anxiety? I don't know.

This is all pretty existential and I'll need time to digest it and see if it still makes sense.

Further to this, why is it literally all or nothing? Could it be both or neither or a red herring?

TRIGGER WARNING for this post on sexual abuse.

EMDR session 5. It was big. Not as emotionally charged as the other sessions. But it was all over the place. This post is big and all over the place, too. And now that I am revisiting yesterday I feel sad, grieving, and tired.

I'm worried I will forget some of the realizations but I was too spent to write about it yesterday. Hopefully reprocessing sticks in my brain the way it's supposed to. At this point I can see I will be going longer than the standard 8 sessions. I am my T's jackpot, lol, and my abuse was not as severe as others. But severity does not equal impact.

Overall it's been good that I have had a couple sessions back to back and then a week between to digest the experience and realize new things. This can't be rushed, and still what does click happens very quickly when it's ready.

This session's target is my molestation by a babysitter twice my age when I was 7ish. For all of my youth I never even knew what happened was wrong. I was in my late 20s before I told my best friends. And then this year before I told anyone else. It's still hard for me to admit because me feelings are so complicated. My T wanted to address it and I wasn't even sure I should. The only shame I think I feel is that I didn't know it was wrong. I don't think it was my fault, and I didn't even think it's had a long-term impact on me. I don't see myself as a survivor in that regard because for the longest time I saw it as exploration and not a big deal. Intellectually I understand that is denial. If it was no big deal why did she tell me to keep it a secret, and why did I comply?

I can't remember if I talked about it in group all those years ago. I know my experiences were sometimes dismissed or minimized there. After hearing others I probably minimized my own experiences, too. It occurs to me that group therapy can also do harm if each person isn't also being carefully monitored one on one. Again, this is a topic for a more general post I have yet to write.

I realize that I have probably been in a constant cycle of terror or dissociation most of my life from childhood until now, 36 years. I think the SA falls into dissociation. I thought back to my thoughts about picking and anxiety and the underlying nothingness. I visualized the nothingness. It was a huge pit, like something from a movie. Black and bottomless. It scares me. I was on the edge looking in and had to step back from fear. I think the pit is where all the secrets of my life live. I think the pit is the core of me.

Other people spent their lives developing interests and talents in supportive families. I spent my years dropping secrets in the pit and navigating its edges to not fall in. I felt sad for who I might have been.

EMDR allowed me to put all these memories together in sequence for the first time. I had never thought of the chronology of childhood before.
In the space of about 2 years my parents married, dad left us, I was parentified, I was molested, we moved, switched schools, switched schools back. After that I started acting out. A teacher said something bad about my B and I started saying she should be fired. I was suspended. My M was actually proud of me, how sick is that?  The next year I stopped doing homework. I was tested to see if I should have been in academic challenge but came 2 percent under. For a while I was angry that no adults in my life intervened. Now I think that was the intervention, but when they asked I was too scared to say anything bad and half of what had happened I didn't even recognize as bad because I had no stability to compare it to. What could I have been if only I had been supported. I loved school. I never stood a chance in the face of all that abuse, but I still almost got placed in AC because of my smarts alone. So I guess I can be proud of my innate strength.

Despite not having as clear emotions for this session I recognized that I kept starting to drift away. I brought my rock and had to take a break to ground in the present. I remembered I have been interested in geology since I was a kid. Also marine biology. And space. I was a budding scientist.

I think that's all that I have to write abiut now. I am exhausted and need a nap. More grief coupled with dissociation I think.

Despite all this I ended knowing that I am getting healthier and stronger. I am gaining understanding and confidence. So only that top half is a pity party. I am processing my tangled past bit by bit.

I just referred to myself as a survivor and meant it. Feeling resolved today. It's a good feeling. I feel like I am reclaiming my life from all the people I had given control of it to. A round of applause for myself for today.  :applause:

 :woohoo:  Good job, you!

Dreamt in third person of going with a male friend & meeting a large group of people to go skiing. We got to the camp by a risky route down a mountain and one person was being mean, in particular calling out and belittled my eating habits. I was not eating the healthiest food at the time. I then told the group about my childhood and how all the rooms on our place had doorknobs with glass ends that you could see through. It wasn't until years later that I realized that doorknobs are supposed to be solid metal. So my food choices might not be the best but I was still happy that I was where I was because for a long time after I didn't want to live. Everyone was supportive of me and disgusted by the bully.

Dream became first person for sure but I was a different Third person with a guy and a girl. The guy was a person I know and was upfront that he might self harm. He would pick at or scratch his arms until they bled. The girl ran away. She tried to find a hiding spot. I was worried and went looking high and low for her in hidden spaces like awnings or spaces by signs.

I think the glass doorknobs are metaphorical for the lack of privacy and real security I had growing up. Also for coping tools, and families. Everyone else I knew seemed to have normal, functioning, solid metal ones. I feel like the people might all represent me but am not totally sure.

Later I was running with a child trying to hide from Australian police. I was with a man whose identity shifted. We ran through alleys and buildings and ended up hiding behind a brick wall that turned out to be a rigged backdrop that was lowering. We tried to raise it but were exposed. The police didn't seem to be directly looking for us if we didn't cause trouble. We ran and eventually ended up back where we started. Fuzzy details then crows woke me up.

Wednesday saw me say to M. that the next guy I get in a relationship with has to meet me on my level, and that guys like that will be so rare I don't think I will focus on relationships. She agrees and says she's in the same place. I want someone who has seen the dark side of life but worked his way through it, and can be supportive, intuitive and gentle or assertive as needed. Confident but humble. The spirit of an explorer and the intellect of a scholar of the world. Someone communicative, affectionate, expressive and curious. Tall order. I wonder if I will compromise in this or stay strong in these new beliefs. If I stay strong then I will likely be single a long time so it's good that I wanted to get comfortable being on my own.

Thursday I called my bro and we are on the same page that unless there's a dramatic shift my M will likely need long term care in 7 to 10 years when she ages out of disability. She might draw some small pension but we don't think she has any retirement savings. We want her to go to a home, neither of us wants to be caregiver. I worry I will be stuck supporting her if my bro is living abroad and not making a good wage. So this means the clock is ticking for her condition to improve (unlikely with PD) or to find a solution for her. I am grateful I see it now so it's not a nasty surprise but feel so dissapointed. She has robbed my past, present and future of wide swaths of options.

Friday I talked with my paramour for lack of a better word and told him my realizations on romance. I want my life to work for me and give me a chance to flourish. I think I can have most things I want in life without a relationship.

Saturday I detailed the situation with my mom to B. I think he might be starting to clue in? I left tabs for hometown companies I was interested in open, by accident at first, and he probably looked at them so knows I am looking/thinking about it. I suppose in some ways that is like passive agressive sabotage but I really don't want this to be a total shock after so long together. If he's been paying attention it won't be. If he hasn't then I guess he's earned the shock.

Thinking I notice parallels between my mom and me re dissociation especially with zoning out addictive behaviours such as sleeping, internet, self isolation. The difference is I am self reflecting and looking to change behaviours but I don't think she is. I am zoning out as a way to pass the remaining time without engaging with B. I recognize my unhappiness in relationships now. I think she is in the same situation but to a further degree. I don't want to guess what's going on in her head nor do I want to end up like her or B's mom. If I end up caring for her she will practically be my adult child and might want to be my best friend. Is that what they call emotional incest? Going to have to read about that.

Today was a funny day of synchronicity. M. posted about romantic friendship love between women being a great threat to heteronormative patriarchy because it challenges the belief (and disproves) that you need sex to be fulfilled in a relationship. Tonight B & I watched a show in which a woman said she realized that in her life men were only good for two things, moving things and sex. Lol, and amen? Other than those two things, have relationships with men ever brought me anything I couldn't have also shared with a friend?

Today was EMDR session 6. I had an hour and a half appointment this week  instead of two one hour sessions in a week. My memory was foggy as to what we worked on last week so I guess that's a good sign. The sessions seem to blend together now. Today we closed off the memory of being molested and I realizex that most of my shame around it eas actually due to the secrecy of it than the act itself. As a child there was no way for me to kbow better or different. This was even before my first sex ed class, I believe. And I never put it together all those years. But I knew secrets were wrong in my family, even though everybody kept some. And so the secrets filled me with shame of being a bad person. I know now that I am good and wasn't to blame.

The next target we worked on was physical abuse at the hands of my M. I rated it about a 6 out of 10 for distress. This was tough for me to connect with, though. I felt strained and tense and had difficulty tracking my T's fingers.  I felt anxious and afraid and tense for quite a few intervals. The negative association we assigned it was "I am powerless". Eventually I felt that the fear was not mine, it was mine as a child. I felt some tension start to release. I was eventually able to identify that there was sadness underneath all that tension. Sadness that nothing I could have done would have made it different. Slowly I came to realise that everything I was feeling were things that stuck with me because my mother denied them ever happening, and I had to make my own closure. I came to see that I had no power to leave or control what was happening then, but I do have the power to leave any dangerous situations or people behind me now. I control my experiences in this world and I don't have to let the past affect me anymore.

We finished the session with a body and light affirmation excercise. I really drifted away during it and left feeling the most relaxed I have to date. Now I am just tired fromnall the emotional work.

After a lot of reflection and coming around I have realized that living with my friend would be an ideal situation. I have asked her for help. Now to see if it will work out. If so, I will have a place to call home and won't be totally alone. Here's hoping!

 :applause:

 :hug: :cheer:

Thank you both! I want to read more of other people's journals and give my support as well. I've found it to be too triggering so far, but hopefully soon.

:hug:  :hug:

This is the last weekend before I tell my bf what is on my mind and that I am leaving. I will probably couch surf for a bit and go home only to pack up.

We're going away for the weekend with a couple. They are the bf's friends. I find the husband agreeable but the wife is ... I don't know... rather like a narc waif who never stops talking and drives me bonkers. I don't know if she talks so much out of love for her own voice or fear of silence. Literally can't get a word in edgewise. Have to actually interrupt her monologuing to hear anyone else. Couldn't turn sown the weekend because then be would stay home and I didn't think I was  ready to have the talk when we planned this weekend. I wish I had turned it down. But on the plus side, lots of time outside.

Give me strength to deal with the coming weekend and week gracefully and with conviction.

I am home now. I am drained, almost catatonic. I'm in bed but not sure if I'll sleep. It was an extremely difficult weekend for unexpected reasons. This is possibly triggery post regarding death.



We were having a decent enough time on the trip and then late yesterday afternoon word came in that the husband's sister had died suddenly. It was a complicated situation and I haven't the energy to explain it here. The outcome was that I was the one left to comfort the shocked and grieving husband while the wife and bf took care of some essential business for a couple hours. We were stuck in a hotel room in a small city in a different country from the husband's family. He was unable to go home to them immediately due to complicated immigration matters literally all he could do was wait. I made myself available and eventually he wanted to get out of the room. We went to a restaurant and drank a couple pitchers of beer to dull the pain.

I tried to keep him talking, keep him from dwelling in the grief fully as he wasn't in a position to really let go yet. I told hom about my experiences when my F died unexpectedly while I was on my way home to visit him, How I went into shock and got on the plane and slept through the flight so I wouldn't have to feel the pain, how by the time we landed I had convinced myself I must have misunderstood or that it was a cruel prank. But it wasn't. I went directly from the airport to the hospital morgue to view my father's body. He was supposed to meet me at the airport but instead he was gone. How he looked like a different person. How I was uttely changed forever in that moment. How my grief became worse when shock wore off but eventually did recede.

And I told him all this not really knowing him that well. I told it and I was sad but not expressing much emotion. I had a wall around my heart. I didn't think I could bear his grief if I had to feel my own again, too.

I also told him about my therapy. He's a vetran of Afghanistan, one of only two vetrans I have spoken with. He came back with ptsd. I told him about cptsd and my emdr. He had also been through therapy. We talked about the crueltu of recruiting children without direction to fight wars and not properly supporting them upon return.

Because of my traumas I could find common ground with him in his time of grief and need.

Later I busted out an old skill and rolled a couple joints for him. I'm good at it despite not smoking anymore. We all drove to a lake and stared at the houses across the water and they smoked up. I had just a little. I rarely smoke anymore. Then after a while we made our way back to our room for some unrestful sleep before heading home.

I hope I helped him and didn't trigger him or make his grief worse. I hope I didn't talk too much about myself. I didn't know how to help but I tried my best to get him through "right now".

This morning when he was showering his wife said something along the lines of "at least the worst is over". I wanted to smack her, but instead I said 'it doesn't really work that way." Both her and my bf are so dense when it comes to others beyond themselves. At least she had the sense to not leave him alone. I think I may have been the right person at the right time. I hope so. I hope he gets the support he needs and can get home.

Big hugs to you! I'd be thoroughly drained, after that. I think you were exactly the right person, now you should rest up too. Personally, when I've had to deal with death, hearing others' stories has helped me keep my mind off it and provided a sense of being understood. I'm sure you said exactly what was needed at the time.

I had told my close friends because I needed support to work up courage. One friend told her husband a little, not a lot and I guess not that ot was a secret until one of us talked about it. The husband let it slip at lunch today so it forced my hand even though I wasn't ready as I wanted to be. I just told now exbf and he barely said anything but he said he had some inkling and was about to say he didn't want to be with somebody who didn't want to touch him. He also said he doesn't want to force me out, that we could just live as roommates for now. I guess we'll see how that is after a few days and if it will work or not. I told him it was because of my mom and my past and because we don't communicate well. Told him he can keep the car and that the last thing I want is to hurt him but I can't do the things I need to do here and within a relationship. I don't know what I was expecting. I have no right to expect anything. He went and took a shower and then started reading. I think maybe he's trying to be strong... Not sure. But that lack of communication was exactly why I needed to leave. I told him I would leave him be for a while so I guess I will sit in this park for a few hours and contemplate life.

Well here it is, 3am and despite crying my eyes swollen I woke up wide awake. Not only did today not go well, I have absolutely no clue what to do next.

My friend that I was to move in with did not call when she said she would. She was going to confirm that everything was all set and what date I could move in. But I didn't know those crucial bits of info so I was holding off on the breakup so I wouldn't be homeless. I texted her what happened and right away she asked if I needed to talk and I said yeah. While talking she told me that she now has tennants in her house for at least 6 months after it sat vacant for the last 6 months so suddenly we can no longer move in there. I feel betrayed.

And my close (I thought) friend told her husband who told bf says she's so mad at her husband. I am so mad at her! She said she told her h just a little in case I needed to stay with her. So why would the h say anything at all about it when seeing both of us? I should have known it was a mistake to trust such delicate info to others! Again I feel betrayed.

Spent hours talking/crying to B. About how I feel, what I need, and what we don't have. About needing to try to be there for my M whether or not she chooses to try and get healthy. Tjat I can't be someone who sees her like she is but does nothing. He spent hours "explaining his feelings" and I am so confused. He tells me he is devoted to me and that he wants to grow old with me and wants to marry me. (Oh really, after 9 years where is the ring? He would have kept things like this forever if he could) That he wants to support me emotionally through everything I am going through. So many sudden words from a man who never talks about anything emotional.

So many deep, deep wounds he caused in selfishness over the years and yet acts like it's my fault I can't forgive or my fault because I didn't communicate well enough how hurt I was by these things. He doesn't understand I want a partner who would have never done them in the first place if I ever have a partner again. Doesn't understand the cumulative hurt it has caused me and that I can't trust him not to abandon me in the same ways in the future. He says he would give up his career we both invested years in building for him to help support me with my mom. I don't want that. I think he would resent me.

I told him how I don't have energy for a relationship and how I have no interest in sex or romance since starting this journey. I didn't say I feel those things about him specifically. It felt too cruel. But I might have to, might have to tell him I cheated. I was trying to spare his feelings. But I made it clear how I feel and he says he still wants to be with me.Why would he love someone but not show it? Why would he love someone who can't love herself?

I told him I felt how I felt and him trying to reason or bargin with me didn't change things. He says he's just explaining his feelings, that he gets a say in this too. I said no, if one partner is unhappy it means the relationship is not working for both. He kept on explaining his devotion until I told him I was too exhausted to think. I had to go to bed. He went to the couch. Then I wake up at 3am and I tell him to go to bed and now I am on the couch. Nothing was resolved and nothing feels final. We just had circular talk in which I said I can't change how I feel and he professed he was doing everything he could to make me happy, that he was learning and improving and his life was devoted to me.

I feel so betrayed, confused, and alone. What do I do next and who can I believe anymore? Am I crazy like my mom or is he a covert narc scrambling to keep me now that I am trying (again) to leave? Is it something in between?

Even if I leave I have nowhere to go for six months. I need somentime and space to figure this mess out, if I can.

So we are going to try couples therapy and he might get therapy himself. I will have to make more frequent trips back to the homeland so I can keep an eye on things there and we might go back together some time. And we'll take it bit by bit. He says he wants to make it work. I believe him. So we'll see what time proves. I really hope he proves he does want to improve our lives together. I told him there's no guarantee. But I do want to know we tried.

He can do it! My husband is a changed man; if he can do it - anyone who truly feels the need to change can do it. After all, I'm changing, too.

I am fighting an internal crisis now. I feel that I let myself down, have no courage or integrity. I couldn't break up with him and I feel trapped and that I let myself down now that I've agreed to stay. I feel like we are doomed. He might change but could it be enough? I look at hom and feel no attraction. I had troubling dreams last night and some realizations.

He didn't sleep well either. He's afraid of what our friends are thinking. Why can't we just face that we don't make eachother happy? Why are we so codependent?

Realized that besides enjoying sex, I have been using it as a way of getting approval from men. (duh)  :doh: Approval that I felt I needed to replace the approval of my father. I think I am prone to cheating when I feel abandoned as I did when my dad left us. (Confusion of bonding from sex with love, how freudian). So when my love for my partner is not returned or when I feel particularly vulnerable like after dad's death or during the last year of medical procedures when I felt neglected, that is when I am at my lowest and vulnerable to infidelity as I try to get what I lack in my life.

Ugh. Will try to talk to my friends on Monday. Don't know who I can say what to anymore but in for a penny, in for a pound I supose.

I am too scared and too cowardly to even decide what I need in life and act on it. My M and my repeated patterns in life seem to have completely destroyed my self esteem in this area.

I still am not sleeping well, like every night. I still am having bad dreams. It's like the progress I made through therapy evaporated in this regard. It's like I have battered woman syndrome without ever having been struck (by a romantic partner).

I realize now that when I tried to leave it triggered the mother (heh) of all EFs. Looking into my bfs eyes at that moment and seeing all that pain became unbearable for me. It was like looking into a mirror. Suddenly my Inner Child knew only fear and my Inner Critic was opening the abyss of nothingness for me to see. It was telling me I was bad, I was wrong to hurt anyone, ever, because my feelings don't matter, I will fail on my own, I will be lonely and suffer on my own. I realize now how much extra punnishment I heap on myself because of my infidelities, consciously, in addition to the almost subliminal messaging of my ICr.

I am afraid of the weakness at my core that makes my lack of integrity possible. Maybe that is who I really am. A lying, cheating, lazy coward. If it's the work of my ICr then I can still counter it. I know my values in life are kindness and compassion. I just don't extend my values to myself unless it's in monents of destructive actions and release from pain.

I need to reinforce in my brain and my heart that I am a good person. I deserve happiness in my life. I deserve to put my own needs and well-being first. I matter. That failure is a risk on any path and that not trying is the only guaranteed failure. I don't have to be lonely and suffer all the time; I can fill my life with things that bring me meaning and purpose. My infidelities were damaging mistakes but they don't define me and I can still learn from them and grow.

I am touched that my bf says he wants to change to make our relationship work. But ultimately I believe he just said anything he could to keep me. I don't think he meant or wanted all the things he said. Whether that's truth, or just me being unable to trust, I don't know yet. But I do know that in my goals for therapy and life I wanted to learn to not feel I need a relationship in order to be a complete person.

I hope I don't wear out my welcome with my friends while I am working this out. It's not fair to anyone. Then again, having to try to leave before I was ready wasn't fair to me either. I did the best I could. It turned out poorly. But I can continue building my strength and try to be present to see if bf does change or even seems to want to.

Give http://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/ a try. Link around a bit. See if you find something that helps. I've decided to take the advice of Dr. Kristin Neff. It's all stuff we've heard before, but simplified and spelled out so we can practice it even in the throws of an EF.

I am behind in writing two emdr reports now. I'm finding it hard to deal with anything beyond what I absolutely have to. I read a bit but am finding the reading triggering because I feel powerless again. I am a caged tiger pacing the perimeter. And yet I guess I am also an avoidant tiger.

I'm part way through some dental work that's made me very uncomfortable until it is completed next week. Basically if I could dissociate through this week I would. But I actually went to a job interview today. I remember when the bf went to job interviews I used to make sure we went out to dinner or did something noce to celebrate the effort regardless of the outcome. Nothing similar offered to me. Golden Rule fails again. We got desert tonight because I was really craving it. Now I think I know why - I was needing some comfort and encouragement more along what I give to others.

Feeling sorry for my self, and trying to recognize that feeling is actually my inner child calling to me saying she's sad, tired and lonely. Gonna fall asleep hugging a stuffed animal like a kid again tonight.

Can't focus to write a meaningful update. Life is taking more attention than recovery atm since things blew up last week. Still want out, still no where to go that I can stay long enough to get back on my feet. But if I get this job I can start to save $. It would also delay recovery and might put therapy on hold. I think it'd be worth it though, so I could focus more later.

My train of thought was once described by someone as constantly derailing where as most people's just chugs along in a relatively stable way. I feel that statement applies to my life, too.

Between the pain in my tooth and my recovery work I am filled with anger today.

There's still lots to say to bf but frankly I would rather focus on myself. Last night he mentioned we have to find a therapist and I said he should look for one he might feel comfortable with and he replied it sounds like a lot of work. I said yes it is and went to bed shortly thereafter but wrote here before sleeping.

Going to work out some anger through cleaning. I pretty much ceel sick of all men and I'm not sure if that's a phase in healing or a self realization. Can I ever feel attracted to someone again when right now I cringe or jump inconsistently at his touch?

I got a call back for that job and I got it. Need to work out if financially I am better off with it or my benefits since it's nearly min wage and I was making considerably more before. Plus it would derail therapy. But would allow saving to get out.

My life is busy even without fulfillment. Satisfaction is  the goal I have to keep in my sights.

The belated Session 7 EMDR report.  I've waited too long and my life has been too chaotic of late for me to remember much at the moment but I will add to this entry if I remember more.

We processed seeing my farher (who was trying to see us) after my mother lied that my father would kidnap us. I was about age 9. The image I associated with it was me on my bike trying to escape from my father in his car. The phrase associated with it was "I am powerless" again. I worked to integrate the understanding that now as an adult I can keep myself safe and leave unsafe people and situations. I don't remember too much but the overwhelming feeling was fear. At one point the image in my mind switched to me as an adult on my kids bike. I like to think that is me now showing my inner child that she is safe.

We also processed my being forced to switch schools at age 14 due to my B being bullied and how I lost all my friends. By the time we got to it I'd been through so much that it didn't feel so charged anymore. We went through it pretty quickly. I think the associated feelings were ones of loss and abandonment. This was when I entered grade 9 and my weight ballooned as I was starting puberty (late). At this current point in my life I want to make more efforts to keep in touch with my friends. I know this is 50 percent up to me and feel more able to do something about it now.

Ok, can't sleep so time to write about EMDR session 8.

This one took my whole hour and a half session to deal with.

It was me being yelled at by a prof in college in front of all my classmates, supervisors, and peers. He was not even my prof. A prof of mine was present and said nothing. I was falling behind in work but did not deserve the intense public dressing down I got.

I was 19. I was out on my own for the first time and trying to navigate the world with a head full of FOG. I was an idiot and a major screw-up but naiive and just terribly misguided. So much so I didn't even know how unwell I was. I lived in denial but the cracks in my life were spreading. I needed counselling but was so programmed I didn't see any symptoms in myself. I was living in my M's way so I took no responsibility for anything, I am still sad to say.

So in a project meeting this prof started laying into me red faced at full volume and all I did was freeze. I heard him but the words didn't register. I had fully dissociated. This is one of only a few times I know I did this. All I felt was shame, fear and anger. I was a shell witnessing this happen and seeing all my peers witness my humiliation. It was my M all over again. Worse, no one else said anything. I took it as them condoning his actions. After the yelling the meeting ended and I wandered into the stairwell and collapsed sobbing. One other person came and sat by me and said she knew I wasn't really there, that I had gone somewhere else while the rage was unleashed on me. After that I collaped on myself, started skipping classes and failed my last term of college, never graduating from that program. The shame has always haunted me.

Because of the pattern and magnitude this is a major event for me. It was professional and personal failure. Proof I was worthless. It had long ladting financial ramifications. It was also further abandonment as no one stood up against the tyrant.

So in this session I had to come to terms with the fact that this level of anger probably made everyone uncomfortable so no one spoke up. The waves of fear, shame, and loneliness rolled. This one bully ruled the whole department. Tension was throughout my body. Even writing of now my jaw is so clenched. I did not defend myself then and I believed I deserved it.

I did not deserve such incredibly inappropriate unprofessional rage. I did not deserve, in a room full of men and women, with a man yelling at a woman, a student, for no one to say anything. I did not deserve an upbringing so toxic that I couldn't recognize I needed help much less ask for it, and in a room full of people who could see me struggling publicly, I did not deserve for all of them to chose to let me sink.

I cried a lot in this session. I think it was the most painful to date. So much past and future focused in that incident. I went from seeing indistinct forms to remembering other people that were there. My T had to guide me a lot in this one.

I am integrating that I can face dificult people with confidence in myself and separate past pain from current conflicts. That I can learn and grow from my failures rather than internalize them. That not all authority figures are unworthy of my respect. If successful this will change my professional life as I have only recently realized how big a problem dissociating at work is for me. At least I woul like to be satisfied at a job for more than a year without feeling the need to flee.

Ugh. The WORST insomnia tonight.

I finally got the mess with my medical results sorted and was going to get them first thing in the morning but now I have rescheduled the appointment for Monday. (TG for online booking) I don't want to wait but at this point what's a few more days. Looking forward to sleeping eventually. It's times like this I wonder about bipolar again. But tonight I blame the full and very bright moon, summer heat, and my better-late-than-never period.

Found this article fascinating. Intend to reread it when rested. https://sapac.umich.edu/article/anatomy-trauma-0 (https://sapac.umich.edu/article/anatomy-trauma-0)

Nights like this all efforts to quiet my mind fail. But I will try again. It's almost dawn and my summer sleeplessness usually fades come morning.

You reminded me of a teacher I had in Art School. He derived pleasure from making the girls in his class cry. He chose a few golden children from the boys in the class. They could do no wrong. I knew I and some of the other ladies in the class were way more talented than they. Every class this teacher would slither around the room heaping praise on the boys. He would them pounce on a woman at random tear the paint brush from her hand and slash a big X across her work, while howling "NO, expletive, expletive, expletive!" As soon as he got one of us to cry, he would go back to praising the boys. It didn't take too long for me to realize this teacher was a sick Fu*K! I ditched his class till I got called down to the office and ordered to go back. He watched me enter his class like a spider watches a butterfly. He waited till I had set up my easel, squeezed out paint on my pallet, and started to make a perfunctory effort at the assignment de jour. Then with a coldly calculated stare of contempt he said "What are you doing here?" I replied with my very best smart @ss tone of voice "You ordered the front office to tell me to come back to your class." to which he replied "do you want to be in MY class? I answered with all the venom I could muster "Noooooooo!" He flew into a rage! Veins bulging out of his neck and his temples. Skin red as a beet. Howling "Get out! Get out! Get out! as he made his evil way through the maze of easels and other students, I grabbed my stuff and split before he could reach me. I could see one of the other ladies starting to cry and I shed a tear for her. If I were more of an activist I would have led a formal protest against the low life misogynist. I should have. I regret that I did not, but I had other priorities at the time. Older and wiser I now realize sometimes it takes more than just setting an example. Sometimes risking personal loss for the greater good is the right thing to do.     

Thanks for sharing your experience, Danaus. That must have been awful for you.

I agree that sometimes personal risk is for the greater good. I'm at a point in my life where I don't have anything left in my pantry to give, though. I used to get involved in situations to "fight the good fight", particularly domestic disputes which you find EVERYwhere when experience forces you to be in tune with them. Eventually a cop told me I had to stop asking women if they were ok because I was risking being beaten by their partners myself by getting involved, even though no one else would, and even though there was real reason to fear for the women's safety. People exhaust me and I don't know how to tune these things out. I live in a big city so my only options are call the cops, play loud music, or leave myself.

I finally had my appointment to get my test results after the year-and-a-half waiting, wondering, fearing, and dealing to derermine if I had a disease that would have needed further surgical interventions coupled with other agressive treatments.

Clean bill of health.

I am so relieved and yet I haven't been able to be happy yet. I have been tender since the weekend. Told my GP the outline of what's happening in my life and sobbed my way theough the whole thing. This is what I thought might happen - being unable to stop the feelings once I really get in touch with them. I told her it would be nice to try to be med free one day and she said given my history and severity and based on her experience it was less likely. I guess that's ok. I will try to accept it with grace because who knows what the future holds.

She reccomended some resources for me but admitted based on what I said, the resources might be a bit too simplistic. I know I am on the right path now. It's just so hard the past few days that I can barely think about it without crying.

At least one of the most pressing and constant worries I had is off the table now. Hopefully permanently. It changed my life and started me on this road, so I'm sure once I've had time to process everything I will be thankful.

I was surprised tonight by bf wanting to talk about our relationship. He wanted to know if there was any real chance that therapy could address our issues. He was totally open and rational and we were able to have the conversation I wanted to for ages. We will break up. I guess we are broken up now. He's not going to make me leave. I won't make him leave. It's a bit deja vu but feels true now so hopefully we can make this work.

We had so many good times together and I told him that. I told him about all my trust and communication issues and the healing I need to do and he says he understands.

It's painful, but it's right for both of us.

This has been another heck of a week.

TRIGGERS in this post for death, domestic violence, and abandonment.


annnnd cue insomnia. I am such a light sleeper that my dreams often wake me even if I went to bed tired.

Insomnia usually hits me between 2-4am. It usually happens after a sleep cycle or at the tail end of a dream so most of my dreams don't resolve. I never considered that the dreams themselves migjt be waking me. Is it possible to be so hypervigilent that I scan for dangers from my own mind?
I do wonder what the waking time means. The dreams themselves are usually not good but not what I would classify as nightmares.

I thought about where else it could come from. There's 3 likeliest incidents and the unknown.

Incident 1 was at an unclear age, between 7 and 11. It was winter and my B and I attended a care program at our school. The end of the day came and everyone left but us. We went to our daycare worker Dana's house with her. We had no idea what was happening. She had a kitchen decorated with cows and 1 or 2 yorkies. She fed us and we waited. Eventually my F came and picked us up. He took us to his place and told us his coworker and friend, Mike, was dead. We knew Mike and his kids. I think Mike was an alcoholic along with my F. Mike had killed himself and my F had found him. I remember him saying Mike's dead and I remember crying.

Incident 2 was me and my brother being woken by a neighbour in the middle of the night and going downstairs to find my M with several people and the cops there. My F had beaten my M outside, below our bedroom windows. Apparently she had been screaming "bloody murder" but my B and I slept soundly through it. I have the feeling inside me that she resented me for sleeping through it. I was 10 or so I think.

Incident 3 was around age 13-14 when I was forced to change schools because my B was being bullied and my M decided that we would go to the same school despite there being no reason for me to change. I was being bullied too but I guess not as bad or I just didn't talk about it. Anyway I lost my friends from that school. A few I had gone to elementary with. I started my last year of Jubior High in a new school. I used to wake up rarly and go for walks by myself. I'd stop at 7-11 and get a can of iced tea and a bref jerky. And so my eating alone to cope with my emotions started. My weight shot up as I hit puberty late. Didn't fit in at the new school either. As I transitioned to high school I chose a school with my friends over the school I was better suited for simply because I couldn't lose more friends again.

Incident 4 was the night before we were to go on a trip across the country to see family. My B and I were going to sleep in the living room of my F's duplex and right before bed my F told me that the oldest sister of my childhood best friend had been killed in a car crash. We had moved away long ago and I was not in touch with her anymore. I laid awake all night, unable to sleep. I was between 14-16.

None of these incidents are on my EMDR target list.

TRIGGERS in this post for sexual assault.

EMDR session 9.

Was tired today because of the emotions of the last week and the talk last night. My I told my T that I felt like I am really starting to get her similie of recovery being like an Everest expedition. I told her about my 1 really good day and then how I felt down for a few days after. That I wrote down my good realizations so I could re-read them on days I need to. I told her about the clean bill of health and the conversation from last night, which had been literally years in the making.
Yesterday was the closing of two major chapters of my life: my cancer scare and my relationship. From here I am almost totally free to return to the homeland. I just have to be patient a month or two more while some civic obligations are settled. She stressed that what's happening in my life is major progress even though nothing has changed on the surface yet. I was able to have the difficult conversation I was most afraid of. I stood my ground and I mostly enforced my boundaries over the last few months. I hope soon I can feel more positive about it. For now I am pretty drained.

Today's EMDR was not as highly charged as other ones. I believe I had already been processing it over the last few weeks. We dealt with my sexual assault by an ex boyfriend. I think I have written about him previously. I broke up with him and during a fight punched a hole in a door. I was afraid and wanted to leave or wanted him to leave. He said he loved me, asked me to marry him. He preasured me to have sex one last time. I didn't want to but relented. I cried after. I felt that I had betrayed myself. Me crying was the image I associated with the memories.

The phrase associated with the memories was "I am worthless". I felt anxious and felt my chest and throat tightening. My heart was racing. After an interval or two my heart was just fluttering and my legs were twitchy like I wanted to run away. Eventually these sensations melted away and I felt angry at myself for not standing up for myself, and angry at him for obviously not loving or respecting me.

I came to realize that in the past I had no other skills to cope with such threatening situations, and so when someone invaded my boundaries, I let them. It's a pattern that continued with each boyfriend right up until now. If only I go along with things, surely my loyalty would be repaid, my agreeability recognized, and my love returned. I started critical of myself but ended up feeling compassion for younger me who got by the only way she knew. I have learned from my mistakes. And I know now that I must respect myself regardless of someone else's actions. I am not worthless. I have choices. I can stand up for myself because my rights will always be equal to another's.

I ended this session with a lot of residual tension. I am still feeling it and working it out. It will be a day of gentle activity for me tomorrow.

I still don't really understand why men treated me so poorly whether I stood up for myself or not. It must just be that I picked men incapable of loving me the way I needed to be loved. Hopefully that pattern will be broken now.

Possible TRIGGERS in this post for drinking and childhood sexual trauma. Definitely highly personal details.



I am trying to get into a new sleep hygeine routine. I want to put all my chattering worries into a box and shut them away at night to see if it helps me sleep better. I had trouble visualizing doing this last night so tonight I may try it by physically writing my worries down and placing them in a box I have.

I drank last night. I don't drink all the time, but with exbf it was often enough that I worried sometimes. I am 9 times out of 10 a happy drunk. So this time it was with a gf and it was really good to cut lose because life is stressful and friends help me keep it in perspective. Now that I am starting to feel my mortality, drinking interrupts my already fractured sleep which is a shame. I have toyed with the idea of sobriety on a more consistent basis but honestly would miss that happy drunk me. I rarely come to that level of care-freeness without outside help. Anyway, because of drinking I slept even more poorly than normal. So here I find myself after about only 4 hours sleep, with a stomachache, thanks to drinking and dinner. Two indulgences! I'm not the sort that thinks I need to earn food or drink, so moderation is difficult once I get rolling.

Anyway one thing I want to get out of my head is a thing I have been doing for a long time. Maybe since childhood? At least in some form since childhood.

Sometimes when I can't sleep I masturbate. When I can, I go right to orgasm, but sometimes I just do it until I get sleepy. That's how I ended up getting to sleep last night. Masturbating started pre-puberty for me. Like by the time I was seven, if not earlier. I was aware of pleasure from stilmulation even earlier, I think. I don't know if that is uncommon for that age or not. I don't think it's coincidence that this comes up after procssing my sexual assault by that exbf.

Finally tired again. Will expand on this later.

Ok, reread my last entry. For clarification, I did not masturbate while journalling!  :aaauuugh:


TRIGGERS For S.A. CONT.

Did a little covert googling. Found a very reassuring article from a Dr. saying childhood "masturbation" is very normal exploration and starts around 2yrs old. It said children know only pure pleasure and curiosity about it. There could also be physical or emotional reasons children do it. The article stressed parents should not call negative attention to the behaviour.

Cue my parents doing just that in regards to my early sexual exploration, casting shame throughout my life. And then my F abandoned us. So hmmm. It does seem to explain some things.

My low self-esteem and fear of enforcing boundaries are both tied up in a need to avoid further shame and abandonment, my goal was always to secure love and safety.

In the past I tried too hard to please men but sometimes was shamed no matter what I did or specifically because I engaged in acts they wanted. Never mind if it was mutual, if I was enjoying myself or not, or was experimenting with them for the first time, I was not respected, only objectified. I was taught that a woman's exploration, pleasure, and sexuality was wrong from childhood on.

As time went on I became less healthy and engaged in more degrading and risky experiences, leading to a bf sexually assaulting me by forcing me into degrading sex after I explained I wanted something gentler. From my father's porn I saw at age 5 to what I would say was at least date rape for the second time approx. 10 years ago. I dissociated during that incident and have been dissociating from time to time during sex since then.

The thing now is to remember that all of those messages and experiences were wrong, but my interest, exploration, and expiriments in sexuality were natural. I can chose to handle situations differently now. And not to deny responsibility for my own choices but when looking from start to finish, this is one of those times where it wasn't me that was wrong or broken, it was the world.

Thanks to the EMDR sessions on my sexual traumas I see how all those patterns fit together now. I believe I can avoid repeating them in the future. I still believe I can explore my wild side, but I am going to have to be a lot less hurried and a lot more choosy about it.

I am writing here to try and get a little more objective perapective on my life. The last week plus has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I ended my relationship after a friend leaked my plan, found out my plan to move in with another friend fell through, on the cue word of the same friend and out of exhaustion suggested therapy and suddenly was not broken up anymore, realized immediately that wasn't going to work for me and broke up again when we had a more mature talk a couple days later, had a confusing job non-offer and non-start-date just a few days apart, continued practicing driving and will take the test soon, did emdr, have spent quality time with 2 friends, have gotten 2 freelance ops from friends, felt like therapy is starting to sink in and I am putting the story of me together at last,  formed up some exit plans, and got another job interview, and am living with my ex for the near future.

I wrote that all as a big chunk because that's how the week feels. I know that I will forget the sequence in the future. Despite everything, the only crying I did was in therapy,  during the breakup and once more on the weekend. I somehow mostly got done what I needed to like errands, bills, meals and toothbrushing. I also journalled throughout and managed to go deep on some major stuff.

What I could have done a bit better on was self care. I went 3 days without showering this week due to stress. Finally did it today. I stunk and I knew it! I also didn't hit my walk goal everyday and haven't done physio on weeks.

I have done yoga almost every day and I successfully chose fruit and chocolate milk over ice cream several days in a row. I did eat pastries 2 days this week. I started practicing some new therapy tools and hope to keep with them. I also successfully turnd around an anxious wakeup today by treating myself to a really nice breakfast and coffee (1 x pastry) at a café and changing up my walk route.

Overall I am giving myself one of these for making it through the week.  :cheer:

 :cheer:

 :cheer:

Lying in bed with a hedache right now. The whole right of my head, jaw, neck and sinus is sore. Hoping it goes away soon. Suspect it's from tension.

Had a few hours alone last night. Did some recovery work and reading. Linking this very valuable post because I will need to come back to it: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4523.0 (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4523.0)


Managed to trigger myself pretty badly while reading Dutch Uncle's recovery journal. He mentioned his experiences with the SCID II which I needed to look up because I didn't know what it was. Then morbid curiosity set in and I wondered if there was an online version of the test... There is. No idea how it compares to the original. I now think all online mental health diagnostic tests, even "for entertainment" ones, should just refer you to an md rather than give a result. Probably avoid a lot of panic that way. This version had disclaimers, but I think people would be better off if the disclaimer was all you could get. This one at least said it was environmentally sensitive, so the results could be quite different depending on where/when/why it was being taken.  It seemed to me to be geared to the workplace. So I took it keeping my past job in mind. And wow the results were terrible. According to it I was highly dependant, avoidant, histrionic and borderline, and moderately narcissistic. What a slap in the ego. Spent the rest of the evening convinced it was true and that all my posts here had exposed me recently and that was why I wasn't getting much response to my posts lately. Silly of me. I am quite gullible.

Eventually I threw myself a bone and wrote something positive even though I wasn't totally convinced. I do feel better today except for the physical, which might be after effects anyway.

Quote from: movementforthebetter on August 28, 2016, 12:32:56 AM
Managed to trigger myself pretty badly while reading Dutch Uncle's recovery journal. He mentioned his experiences with the SCID II which I needed to look up because I didn't know what it was. Then morbid curiosity set in and I wondered if there was an online version of the test... There is. No idea how it compares to the original. I now think all online mental health diagnostic tests, even "for entertainment" ones, should just refer you to an md rather than give a result.

Yes, they should.
As for the SCID II: It's in two stages. First is filling out the questionnaire, and then there is a long interview, two hours if I remember correctly, where I was asked more in depth on some of the answers I had given.
Then the results were discussed in a team of psychologists before an actual 'result', diagnosis was presented to me.
So based on my experience, an online test can never come even close to the process I went through, as I think the whole diagnosis hinges more on the interview and subsequent feedback from the team, two of whom I had talked to before. So in fact I was assessed by three psychologist whom have had a personal contact with me.

Now, with the danger of me interpreting your online SCID II story as a non-professional: if these "highly dependant, avoidant, histrionic and borderline, and moderately narcissistic" traits only show up at work, you do not have a PD. To 'qualify' for a PD, these traits would have to be present in most parts of your life.

Quote from: movementforthebetter on August 28, 2016, 12:32:56 AM
What a slap in the ego.

I hope I'm not adding insult to injury (which certainly is not my intention), but that made me chuckle.
Mostly because I can relate to that feeling.
I bet your Inner Critic ran off with it too, no? Cheering and celebrating while you had just received a knock-out. Oh boy, did your Inner Critic felt validated by the SCID II results. Or am I wrong?
I might be. My Inner Critic would do such a thing.
I think my Inner Critic was deeply disappointed I didn't have a PD, and that all the traits of PD's I did show were all tied to my FOO.

Well, enough about me, excuse me for butting in, but I felt I had to say something about the SCID II I had.

PS: Pretty brave of you to take an online SCID II.

That sounds a lot like the headaches I get. A washcloth soaked in hot water (not too hot to burn), applied over the eyes and nose, while you breathe in the steam from the washcloth. The times I most get those headaches is when I'm trying to control my emotions.

I don't reply a lot when you're posting in your journal as I don't want to interrupt your journaling. Come to think of it, it seems replies in general have sort of tapered off.

I haven't taken the SCID II, I'm afraid to.  I'm sure it's very triggering so I'll steer clear for now.  ;)

Quote from: Dutch Uncle on August 28, 2016, 02:08:09 AM

So based on my experience, an online test can never come even close to the process I went through, as I think the whole diagnosis hinges more on the interview and subsequent feedback from the team, two of whom I had talked to before. So in fact I was assessed by three psychologist whom have had a personal contact with me.

Now, with the danger of me interpreting your online SCID II story as a non-professional: if these "highly dependant, avoidant, histrionic and borderline, and moderately narcissistic" traits only show up at work, you do not have a PD. To 'qualify' for a PD, these traits would have to be present in most parts of your life.

Quote from: movementforthebetter on August 28, 2016, 12:32:56 AM
What a slap in the ego.

I hope I'm not adding insult to injury (which certainly is not my intention), but that made me chuckle.
Mostly because I can relate to that feeling.
I bet your Inner Critic ran off with it too, no? Cheering and celebrating while you had just received a knock-out. Oh boy, did your Inner Critic felt validated by the SCID II results. Or am I wrong?
I might be. My Inner Critic would do such a thing.
I think my Inner Critic was deeply disappointed I didn't have a PD, and that all the traits of PD's I did show were all tied to my FOO.

Well, enough about me, excuse me for butting in, but I felt I had to say something about the SCID II I had.

PS: Pretty brave of you to take an online SCID II.

Thanks for commenting on this, Dutch Uncle! I did only complete the questionnaire, (which seemed pretty vague) and only answered with work in mind. So not a full picture of me and not properly assessed at all.

You are right, my inner critic had a field day! Suddenly my uPDM, SF, and every jerk I ever dated were vindicated and I was clearly a broken needy drama queen, just like they said. It was a TKO for the Inner Crittic!   :stars:

I actually think it's kinda funny now, too! I should know better, and that's not my inner critic talking, that's my compassionate side. It does no good to be afraid of things a dr has never suggested to me. I am a bit too curious for my own good sometimes. It's a thin line between brave and stupid [silly].


In case it's not clear, I emphatically reccommend to anyone else reading that you don't try to self-assess something as serious as a personality disorder. Seek medical help.

Quote from: Three Roses on August 28, 2016, 02:11:58 AM
That sounds a lot like the headaches I get. A washcloth soaked in hot water (not too hot to burn), applied over the eyes and nose, while you breathe in the steam from the washcloth. The times I most get those headaches is when I'm trying to control my emotions.

I don't reply a lot when you're posting in your journal as I don't want to interrupt your journaling. Come to think of it, it seems replies in general have sort of tapered off.

I haven't taken the SCID II, I'm afraid to.  I'm sure it's very triggering so I'll steer clear for now.  ;)

Hi Three Roses, thanks for commenting. Sorry to hear you vet those too. They're bad enough I can barely think but not the same as a migrane. I will try the washcloth tonight. It sounds very soothing. I have only recently connected my jaw problems to emotional issues. It was quite a lightbulb moment. I have a lot of work ahead to try and relax it.

I don't normally expect replies in my journal. For some reason I was surprised at first to realize anyone was even reading it. I started to get used to comments then started looking for validation through them, so your instincts are on the mark.

On top of that, we all have our personal loads to carry and our own triggers, so it's just not reasonable to expect replies to journal posts. I know this, but in weaker moments I forget for a while. I imagine it can be pretty tough or triggering for you mods, to, so please don't feel that you need to reply more than you do. You all do so much for us here and I really appreciate it.

That post of sanmagic7's I linked to is so timely and solid gold in relation to what I just went through. Gonna re-read it now.

Quote from: movementforthebetter on August 28, 2016, 04:16:47 AM
Thanks for commenting on this, Dutch Uncle! [...] I actually think it's kinda funny now, too! I should know better, and that's not my inner critic talking, that's my compassionate side.

:thumbup:  I'm relieved and happy I did jump in then.
Self-compassion is the best medicine against the vitriol the Inner Critic spews out.

:hug:

Processing what's been said to me by exbf while we were breaking up is an excercise in acceptance. At first he invalidated me by drowning me in feelings of love that weren't shown while we were together. It confused and overwhelmed me. I'm not sure that it was intentional. It was probably almost instinctual. I've probably done similar things in the past. It bought him a reprive until I came to my senses. Then in the second breakup conversation when he was much more level headed he said we moved too fast when we got together. I agreed. We did. I know that now. But today I feel angry about hom saying that. It feels like he was placing the responsibility for the progression of our relationship on me. He was the one that asked me to move in with him across the country! We were equal partners in this mess. But I am the one who broke up with him. I can't control his reaction. Only what I do with it. So fine, I am angry for now. It will pass.

TRIGGERS in this post for traumatic accidents to children, violence and death although most of what is being journalled below only happened in a dream.


On Friday my friend texted me late to say she couldn't get together on the weekend because her toddler son had gotten his arm caught in an elevator door and had to be taken to emergency. He is ok now with just a partial fracture, swelling and bruising. She was pretty traumatized by it.


I had a terrible nightmare in the morning yesterday and I don't know if it's because of what she told me or something else.

It was about a pokemon like video game that took over people's minds as they played the game. Real monsters would appear and kill people who resisted. otherwise it would make people kill others including friends and family. It mind controlled a young man who was playing the game in an empty theatre. It made him lure some friends into an industrial area and there he dumped cement on 6 of them by the time their friends could uncover them they were dead. It looked to everyone else like a drunken prank gone horribly wrong.

The monster used the game and learned text input as people chatted like they do online. It also monitored Audio and video from laptops and ipads so it knew if anyone caught on or were plotting against it. People who didn't play couldn't be mind controlled but they could be used as zombies once dead.

I(?) (from the perspective of a third person didn't look like me) tried to warn the players in written notes but failed.

The monster was like a giant omnipotent squid. It could come up through the ground or any hole in walls.

The dream was so gorey. I saw a minimum of 60 people killed. It happened in an abandoned theatre, an industrial site, a church, and a small pioneer-like town. In the church and town, once dead the "zombies", who looked normal, would kill others around them. I saw parents kill children and frontier men walking around with knives sticking out of their foreheads or chests or axes out of their backs. Some people tried to hide in the woods but were found. 

Awful dream and I was startled awake with a jump. I have never had a nightmare like this before. There's a lot to unpack here and I don't know if I will be able to.

Woke from a vague dream I don't remember after only falling asleep 3 hours earlier. Exbf had gone out to see friends for the evening. Stayed out late, came home @ midnight. Came into bed @ 3ish and I was semi-awake which turned to fully awake with upset stomach so I got up. It's now a stomach ache with stomach cramps as I lay on the couch.

I would have been wise to go to sleep earlier but had coffee at 3pm (I know better but was tired; vicious cycle) plus felt anxious about seeing my cousin early this morning. I haven't seen her for 3 or 4 years. I was still in the fog then. This is my first family interaction since seeing clearly, not counting my also OOTF B,  and I underestimated the emotional heft of such an interaction. I knew she was coming to town and I reached out to her a couple months ago.

She's younger than me by almost a decade, the daughter of my M's younger brother. Her family seems normal. She also has a younger brother. She got a degree and a good stable job. She travels. She's living a good life and I am having a tough time not comparing mine to hers although I know it's pointless.

I don't know if I'll disclose anything. I hadn't planned on it. But nor had I planned anything to say if she asks about my M. Might need to stick to "fine". Or we might have a lot in common. I know I always liked her although we aren't close. She has a tattoo of a song lyric that I think is about depression. Might ask her about it. I also considered a song lyric tattoo at one point but didn't get it.

Am getting teary now so need to stop. Not much else to say anyway. Not sure what the tears are even for. Need more sleep. I used to take melatonin and  have a scrip for trazadone, but find I still don't tend to stay asleep on either. Docs don't want to prescribe anything stronger and I am not sure I would want anything stronger.

Am finding now that the things I want to journal about are coming faster than I can keep up with. Years of unspoken experiences are waiting. Glad I have this space.

The zombie nightmare sounds like something out of a video game. I'd wright it off as the influence of the media. You made the correct decision to not get a tattoo. The next time your x tries to "love bomb" you he might wind up like one of the zombies. Tattoos would make you that much more easily identifiable. Have fun with your cuz!

I spent some time on dream moods and that nightmare seems to be highly symbolic of what I am going through right now. Normally I can tell when a dream reflects something in my life, or an emotional state, but this one was so different that I had no frame of reference for it. I looked up all the main aspects and they mostly stick to the same themes. Here's what they represent:

Video Game

To dream that you are playing a video game represents your ability to manipulate others into doing what you want them to do. Alternatively, playing a video game suggests that you are trying to escape from the problems in your real life, instead of confronting it. Consider the type of video game and video game character for additional insights.

Vacant

To see a vacant lot or property in your dream suggests that you need your own space, either emotional space or physical space. You need some distance and time to yourself in order concentrate on your own needs. Alternatively, a vacancy represents something that is missing or lacking in your life.

Movie Theater

To dream that you are in a movie theater indicates that you are attempting to protect yourself from your emotions and/or actions. Viewing them on a movie screen projects them onto another person and thus makes those feelings and actions seem more distant. Your subconscious is trying to protect you from experiencing them directly.

Church

To dream that you are inside a church suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

Village

To dream that you are in a village represents restrictions. You need to follow the rules. Alternatively, a village signifies community, simplicity, and tradition.

Monster

To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents.


Squid

To see a squid in your dream suggests that you are feeling subconsciously threatened.  Your judgment may also be clouded. Perhaps you are not seeing things too clearly at the moment. Alternatively, a squid symbolizes greed. You go after what you want without consideration for others.

Killing

To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.


Murder

To dream that you have committed a murder indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.

To dream that you witness a murder indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.

To dream that you are murdered suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. The dream may also be about your unused talents.

Concrete

To see concrete in your dream represents your solid and clear understanding of some situation. The dream may also mean that you are too unyielding and inflexible.

To see wet concrete in your dream suggests that some issue or some aspect of your life still remains unresolved.

Warning

To receive a warning in your dream indicates that something in your waking life is in need of your attention. The dream may serve to make you stop and rethink the consequences of your action or decision.

To dream that you are warning someone suggests that you need to recognize the dangers or negatives of some situation. You need to bring this to the surface.

Blade

To see a blade in your dream suggests that you are making some difficult and important decisions. You need to be able to make clear distinctions between your choices. It also indicates that you are walking on a thin line and need to balance aspects of your life carefully.


Knife

To dream that you are carrying a knife signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of.  Perhaps you need to cut ties or sever some relationship. Be more divisive.


Zombie

To see or dream that you are a zombie suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

To see someone as a zombie implies that your feelings for them is dead. You have not emotional attachment towards them.

Woods

To see the woods in your dream represent life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, the woods symbolize the unknown and the subconscious. You need to open yourself up to discovering your potential and your instinctual nature.

To dream that you are lost in the woods indicates that you are starting a new phase in your life. You are expressing some anxiety about leaving behind what is familiar to you.

To dream that the woods are dry or dying suggests that there is a situation in your life that has not yet been resolved. You are overwhelmed with a problem or issue.

Numbers

To see numbers in your dream symbolize material gains and possessions. You are keeping close track of things. Alternatively, numbers indicate that you are being over analytical or rational. Or that you need to evaluate a situation more thoroughly. Numbers also carry much personal significance. They may represent a special date, address, age, lucky number or something meaningful and significant to only you.


6 - Six

Six is indicative of cooperation, balance, tranquility, perfection, warmth, union, marriage, family, and love. Your mental, emotional, and spiritual states are in harmony. It is also indicative of domestic bliss.



So if I've got this right, the dream was about the end of my relationship and feeling stuck in a situation I have little to no control over. I am carrying on, going through the motions of living witn my exbf but not valuing my emotional needs highly enough in this situation and I should be out so I can restore some peace. Our situation is still unresolved but in flux. I am depressed and we are coping by dissociating.
And while things seem peaceful on the surface they are not healthy. I am letting myself down by not acting with more courage and asking for help to make the changes I need. I might be looking for guidance from others but ultimately I need to instigate change.

Not exactly groundbreaking because I am aware of these things, but really interesting how most of the images kept to similar themes. I think my subconscious is just really trying to hammer home what my conscious mind has been trying to avoid out of fear of the unknown.

Edited to add an alt interpretation that bothers me more. My staying in our place after breaking up is manipulating my ex, or else him not making me leave is manipulative. Maybe we are manipulating each other. And we both get by on dissociation and "kindness" to avoid the truth.

I have a hard time accepting that symbols mean the same thing for everyone. For instance, some people are scared to death of dogs and so to dream of one would not be comforting for them; but for me a dog is a symbol meaning protection, not danger.

Ask yourself what each of the main components of your dream mean to you. The answer will reveal itself. :wave:

TRIGGERS in this post for rape.

EMDR report 10.

I am now through most of my targets in therapy. I am noticing differences in myself. I don't have a panicky feeling very often anymore. I also find I can feel my feelings without being engulfed as much. I have cried in the last week but not once have I felt abandoned.

Today's first target was one I almost didn't remember. I had worded it vaguely. Something about boyfriend taking advantage of me at age 20. I determined that it was about boyfriends taking advantage of my support, specifically one that I taught my artform to, who then, instead of supporting me in reaching my dream, took it over by starting a business in that artform. The memory I associated with it was him telling me he was starting the business, with me staring at his bag full of equipment given to him by an uncle. The negative phrase was "my dreams are worthless" and the positive phrase was "I am capable of achieving my goals". Throughout the session I felt sadness and anger but came to realize that his actions had nothing to do with me, they were just cruel and selfish. I realized that I had been unprepared for such cruelty from a romantic partner and had no skills to cope at that time. Now in the present, I have experienced so much that I feel more confident I can recover from such betrayal. I also know that I must persue my goals even in spite of others' actions against me. I can't remember how, I rhink it was rhrough shame and connecting my inner critic to this incident, but I ended up connecting to my inner child of about 5 years old, when she first became aware that her wishes did not matter and there were no adults to support her. My mother was the voice of my inner critic I think. I still have trouble totally identifying it. It was interesting to see in parallel this incident as well as my inner child reacting to different but connected betrayals.

I feel like I am shaking off years of rust on my psyche and am now getting to address the wounds that are at my core. There is a shift of empowerment happening.

We didn't fully reprocess my second target today. It was my rape by a boyfriend at age 26. I will be ok as we left off in a good place. Did the reprocessing/integration, just not the body scan. I will try to describe the experience without too many details. My associated negative phrase was "I am worthless" and my associated positive phrase was "I deserve to be with somone who demonstrates complete respect for me".

This was the first time I felt truly afraid for my safety in a target. I found myself reliving the experience and realizing that I had mostly blocked out or glossed over it previously. I believe he enjoyed hurting me. I felt truly powerless, and felt guilt, shame and anger along with the fear. I felt shame that I didn't protest or struggle, I just cried. And he didn't stop. I remembered that I was physically restrained and couldn't get away unless he let me go. My T asked if I knew about the freeze response and I do think I must have frozen and dissociated at that time. I can see how wrong this was and how much this is on him. Although I couldn't get away then I can choose partners more carefully now and establish clearer boundaries at the start of any future relationships.

Left off with a "healing light" exercise to identify and send healing energy to wherever it was needed. That turned out to be from my lungs to my guts, where it felt like (and often does) there was a rock inside me. My breathing was shallow and my digestion quite upset. The rock was about the size of a watermelon and hollow, and an indistinct colour but I said dark grey as that was closest. It was hot. As I focused the healing light on it, it started to dissolve. Tingling sensations radiated out from that space up to my teeth and down to my knees.

The rock is a feeling I often have when I wake up in the middle of the night if I have eaten too close to bed or if I am very upset. I have it on the way to work frequently, and sometimes if I am angry.

The rock being hollow means there is an interrupted space in me I have been trying to fill, particularly when I was stressed and felt unsafe. I made the rock solid and filled the space through binge eating. For me it was not just the enjoyment of food but also a physical bulking up for safety that has been leading me to binge eat. And this became an emotional addiction.

I left the appointment feeling tired and a bit trembling. This session took a lot out of me but I am also more capable of facing these difficult memories and finding my way through them without feeling like I am losing control of myself.

Two other things as follow up from my session. After leaving I was walking down the street and a couple was fighting loudly. Or rather the man was yelling at the woman. I had to work hard to calm myself. Too soon! In the past I would have said something. I like to think I would in the future, too. But right now I can't. It's just too close to home for me.

Secondly, I am missing the man I had my affair with. I will call him my lover because otherwise this will get confusing. I felt safe in his arms. I think contacting him would be unhealthy right now. I am sure it's because of the feelings that came up in session today. If I have the order of targets right then next week I will probably feel the same.

After a specific incident only a couple years into our relationship, I lost the feeling of safety with my now exbf. And yet ten years went by from the last time I saw my lover to this year and that feeling of safety was the same, if not deepened, since we have both matured. This tells me that there is hope for a connection that deepens when both partners are equally invested, whomever I might or might not be with.

Ultimately, it is my own arms and my own skin I need to feel safe in. So I think spending the evening quietly contemplating and resting is the best plan to ensure that I really can meet my own emotional needs and feel confident doing it.

QuoteUltimately, it is my own arms and my own skin I need to feel safe in. So I think spending the evening quietly contemplating and resting is the best plan to ensure that I really can meet my own emotional needs and feel confident doing it.

:yeahthat:  :applause:

Hi Three Roses, thanks for your feedback on those posts!

Re: dream moods, some of the definitions were very long and I cut out the alternate interpretatins that didn't relate. Overall there was a kind of theme that I found interesting, but I agree that it can't possibly fit in to those definitions that easily. My T mentioned that according to Jungian interpretation every part of that dream was a reflection of myself. Like even the squid tentacles! Based on just how it made me feel, the dream was about trying to "do the right thing" within an overwhelming sense of powerlessness, feeling trapped in a situation I can't control. A common theme for me.

Today's session really drained me in a way I don't recall other sessions doing. I couldn't go home right away. I had to go get something to eat and sit for a bit. Then I went right to bed when I got home. Woke up around 7 and am just starting to feel useful now that it's 10. Gonna be a late night for me. I haven't done anything besides check the web occasionally and watch tv and might not do anything else. It feels like the right speed for tonight.

Tonight I had the revelation that I have spent so much energy & so much time trying to get "everything right" in my life that I have been unable to enjoy the present most of the time. In some ways that's not really a revelation, but how I can deal with it is.

Perfectionism and my inner critic have spent years telling me "I'll be happy when..." and when never comes because the goalpost keeps being moved (by the inner critic again)!

I am going to try something new. Whenever perfectionism is telling me I need to do, be, or have more before I can be happy I will remind myself "Yes, you're right, ICr, I will be happier if that works out. But right now is pretty good, too! I can be content both now and in the future. One doesn't preclude the other! Now, shall we party?"  💃🎶😁

 :thumbup:

I have a couple preocupations I haven't told many people about because I felt shame at having the thoughts. One of which is how I find severe weather events stimulatung for lack of a better word. The other is that I am always scanning my surroundings and thinking "if I were homeless, this would be a good place to set up a camp".

On the surface they don't seem linked, but I had a realization while reading The Body Keeps The Score. Both are connected to experiences of pure survival.

I have noticed that generally people really come together in disasters, and in the whole it seems that society depends on disasters to reaffirm its core values. I believe that in some way the same is true of myself. Severe weather causes an adrenaline surge and narrows my focus to what is immediately important.

With regards to looking at the world through a homeless lense, that is me fantasizing or obsessing about living a life free of concerns other than surviving.

Both are expressions of living in the present moment and staying there, something I have extreme difficulty doing. But both are also probably coping mechanisms, along with food and sex. Otherwise my inner commentators take over and I dwell in the past or obsess over the future, both of which are excrutiating for me.

In my past abuse there was nowhere to be but the present and it was terrifying. So why do I fantasize about a life of pure experience? I think it might be that I was never given prolonged exposure to the benefits of anything more. And if there are chemicals like serotonin involved as the book says, it might be something of an addiction. Will add more if this unfolds further in my head with some time.

TRIGGERS in this post for cults, violence against women, rape.

Wow, so triggered now!

I've just put together a painful pattern that threads through my relationship with my exbf. It started early on in our relationship. I have been torn over the years if he was malicious or just clueless, and usually erred on the side of clueless, even though he did own a pick up book about how to manipulate women. Literally that. He said it was to improve his self esteem. Just ugh. Still I gave him credit for cluelessness because to do otherwise would mean he was an abuser.

Anyway, the thing that triggered me was being in the kitchen and overhearing the show he had on. It was an investigative report into some cult. One of the members was talking about how the leader would rape people and the victim would be lying there crying or not responding at all and just laying there but the cult leader would just keep having sex with the person. Like he was having sex with a piece of meat, not a person with feelings. That hit too close to home givem what I just rememberwd 2 days ago. I went in the living room and turned down the volume but was already shaken. Exbf was doing something on his computer with his headphones in and didn't even hear any of this! I had to tell him what happened and why I was so bothered. How my emotions had been up and down all over the place since therapy on Tues when I dealt with my own rape which was VERY similar in description to what I heard on tv.  His response: "that's normal".

Me: "what!? What's normal?"

Him: "that your emotions would be up and down from therapy"

No appology for having something so upsetting on when he know's the cole's notes of what I am going through in therapy, and he isn't even watching it, just using it for background noise. (He's only appologized a handful of times in 9 years for anything despite the fact that I am the one who is usually right so why start now?) No acknowledgment of how upsetting it might be to casually come upon a description of a type of violence I personally suffered. No asking if I was ok. Just a "reassurance" my mood swings are normal despitebhaving never been in my situation himself. Nothing even close. And rather than own his experience he shut mine down and walked away.

I was so blown away by how assinine a comment it was that I couldn't even respond. I didn't know where to begin with it. Is that a type of freeze response? It's the same response I have had in the past to my M and some of her most shockingly poor behaviour.

I have pointed out things that hurt in the past and he has said I am causing drama. Or too critical. And that he is afraid of my anger. So over the years none of my emotions were acceptable besides blankness, happiness, and adoration. No wonder I was unhappy. And he got to see that because I could only suppress my feelings so long before the pressure was too great. But then it was always my fault when I lost it because I wasn't expressing myself clearly enough to him. Except I did. Again and again with no acknowledgement until I reached critical mass, again.

I feel very minimized and invalidated, and have repeatedly throughout our relationship. Any timenI express my needs I am shut down, or things improved for a bit but it wasn't a consistent long-term change. And yet what he's done, it's never been overt enough or malicious enough that I could be sure if it was abuse. If I could be sure then I would have had reason to leave immediately... This grey area kept me trapped for 9 years. But no more.

One of the first things he did with me was show me a tv show he loves: Deadwood (HBO). The first episode has a man pin a prostitute to the floor with her throat under his boot. It was shocking and upsetting. It was supposed to be. I said the violence was really disturbing but liked the writing.(The show actually has possibly the best writing ever on TV but because of the violence I can't reccommend it to this crowd.) I watched the rest of the series with him and had to cover my eyes in certain violent parts. He explained it was just realistic to the time period. What I didn't realize was that it was setting the tone for our relationship, where he would show no sensitivity to me and I was supposed to deal with it and appreciate his point of view over my own. I should have gotten up and left in that scene, or refused to see any more. But I didn't. Why didn't I? Because I liked him and was a "good sport". I can't stomach that kind of entertainment much anymore, though. I've become aware how much it capitalizes on the suffering of others.

This kind of thing has happened over and over again in our relationship. Sometimes I even defended him when he was equally insensitive to others. Eventually it broke me down in shame and pain. I will journal a few of the other experiences in the appropirate upcoming emdr reports.

So I was triggered by the rape description and triggered by exbf's non-response. I also was triggered right back to my M and having to place her feelings over my own growing up.

I had to sit and play videogames zoned out for an hour but the whole time my chest was tight and achy, my temples through my jaw were tight and clenched, and I felt stressed. I didn't know whether to cry or punch something. I did neither. I was anxious and a bit panicky. I am going to take a clonazepam and trazadone tonight to knock myself out since I'm still feeling my jaw like a vicegrip.

I'm actually glad this happened though. We had been settling into a weird civil equilibrium where I was having trouble remembering why I needed to leave. But wow, am I ever clear now. It's so hard to explain to others when it all looks fine on the outside but my heart has been broken a hundred times over. If I stay, not only do I have to heal myself from my traumas but I also have to mother him through how to be a man. I can't do it! I can't be a parent to a third person without that person being an actual child! No more emotionally crippled adults!

Will be asking friends if I can couch surf next week. Have a long weekend camping starting tomorrow. It's a do-over of the last weekend that was interrupted by tragic death. A last fun time with exbf and friends. It will be good. Time in the woods will help me, and soon all this will be in the past.

This isn't exactly time in the woods, but it's still good. Far enough from "civilization" with all the comforts of home. Was dreaming of a desperate need to pee, so I am up now for a bit before everyone else. Found some time to read here since I forgot my book.

Was reading Wife2's journal and it brought up some memories from my childhood. She talked about being neglected, with greasy hair. That was me, too. I was teased a lot for it and every other reason under the sun.

I know now that I'm older that literally the way to help myself is to shower more. It seems so simple and yet neither parent cared enough to ensure that happened. I would get awful, itchy, scaly spots on my scalp. It was diagnosed as seborhea (sp?) which meant my skin was being shed too fast but not just falling away like normal. It was gettting stuck and causing a rash that looked like psoriasis on my scalp. It was so itchy but if I scratched it would bleed. My F's brilliant solution was to put compound w on my scalp to try and kill it off whenever we were with him. Now I have the awareness that :duh: that is wart remover! Why would he think that could work? And we only saw him every other weekend so even if it could work he wasn't around long enough for it to matter.

Interesting he chose wart remover. I think this must be because he had some? Could I have had any on my head? Could there be a link to my hpv diagnosis 25 years later... Could I have had it from birth? Or gotten it somehow from parents? Will never know.

Was teased/questioned because when the compound w dried it left really obvious white patches in my brown hair. I always said it was paint. Everyone must have wondered why I painted all the time and didn't wash it out. So that and I always had major dandruff from it or the skin condition. Nice. Why the heck didn't my parents care enough to bathe me or show me how to care for myself?  :Idunno: They couldn't even care for themselves.

I spent a weekend at the foot of a mountain but still need time outside and alone so here I am home from the trip and sitting beside the river. It's a little drizzly so it's quiet here this evening. Exbf was on me like glue on this trip and I did have a good time but it would have been better on my own. I only got 5 min all weekend to talk to my friends alone.

I feel an anxiousness that's hard to place. It's rooted in a jumble of old and new fears. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of saying goodbye to familiar but unhealthy patterns. Fear of starting my next phase of life, and shame at how messy my life is. My inner critic is not really audible in my thoughts today, but I am lost in thoughts and memories and trying to keep bringing myself back to the present and what I can do in this moment.

I will send my letter asking for help tonight or tomorrow. That is certainly factoring into my state tonight. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement or ostracision based on past experiences. Uncertainty over who I can trust. My tiny bit of a plan has so far not worked at all.

I spent the weekend with my friends and their new dog, adopted from a chinese street dog rescue group. The dog is so sweet, so kind and cuddly, so gentle and non-agressive. Friendly once she gets to know you. But so anxious and afraid of this strange land and strange life. She trusts no one, walks with her tail between her legs and quivers with nerves. Yesterday morning she got out of the tent and ran around the campsites looking for scraps until I caught her and brought her back. She looked so happy and free running on her own and fought against me until I pulled her hard. Last night she chewed through her collar and leashes. Her family doesn't want to use a chain leash but might have to. To say I identify with her would be an understatement. So uncomfortable with security and affection but longingbfor it more than anything. How did I let myself become this street puppy of a woman? And can I be fully integrated into a life I have not had exposure to? If I build my life all my own, will I chew through my own collars and leashes for the familiarity of insecurity? And is it what I am in the middle of doing currently? This might be my inner child calling out. *edited to add* She is actually jealous of this dog; who has been rescued by a loving family, is recognized in her special needs and character, and treated accordingly by everyone new she meets. My inner child doesn't see the pain rhe dog lived through before, and is stuck in her own fears and pains.

These are the secret questions I trust no one with. Possibly not even myself. But I am trying, and having more days of confidence now so I on days like today all I can do is let the day pass and know tomorrow will likely feel better.

your dream interpretations were insightful and inspiring. I hope your dreams continue to help you progress.

I sent my letter asking for help to 30 people. Some of them I have barely talked to since high school. It was terrifying. But I dibfeel a bit lighter now. I can't control the outcome but maybe it'll all be ok.

EMDR report 11. TRIGGERS for violence against women.

Today was an emotionally intense day. On top of sending my letter asking friends and acquaintances for help to return to the homeland, I had therapy today. My EMDR target today was a road rage incident that happened within my first or second year living in my current city.

The incident itself was less than three minutes long but it terrified me. My then bf and I were catching a van cab on a busy downtown street when a truck sped by us too closely and nearly clipped us. I swore at the driver as he went by. He had his window open and heard me. He screeched to a stop a few car lengths ahead, then backed up and got out of his truck. We got into the back seat of the cab quickly and the guy climbed into the front seat then leaned into the back and started screaming at me, calling me the c word, the b word, swearing and threatening to hit me, punch me. Asking who I thought I was to yell at him. He was inches from my face and I could see his bulging veins and bloodshot eyes and hear the words but I was frozen and couldn't react. I was trapped in the van anyway. My bf didn't do or say anything. The cabbie kept his distance and eventually talked some sense into the guy, saying "calm down, buddy". He backed out and left after a very long minute. We rode home and the cabbie said it was good we didn't do anything because if we had the guy would have hit me. I was shaking from adrenaline and was not ok. The cabbie and my bf both downplayed it. I talked about it at work the next day and my boss told me to get over it and not be a victim.

The image I used was of the man's face screaming at me and the negative phrase was "nobody will protect me". The positive phrase I chose was "I can protect myself".

I found I was in a weird headspace this session. My body resisted me a lot. There was a lot of aching and twitching on my right side. (That's the side he got in on but I don't know if that's connected.) I was very afraid and had to fight to stay present. I felt small and powerless. I connected to my younger self.  We had to stop and do a grounding excercise... The five senses. After that I kept feeling like I could almost fall asleep. I think maybe this is what hypnosis feels like? I was never susceptible to hypnosis but as my T waved her fingers back and forth I just wanted to curl up in the chair and close my eyes. My responses were all a little distant but I got through it. Eventually I realized I had protected myself even though it didn't seem like it at the time. I protected myself with the only tools I had in the face of others that wouldn't. I also see now how similar this incident was to the incident of the prof yelling at me. We didn't do a relaxation this time... I was sleepy enough. I'm a bit worried I might have been dissociated.

I realized through this session that I had internalized that it was dangerous to speak my feelings and that they weren't as important as others. I also clearly saw that I haven't felt emotionally or physically safe with my boyfriend since the first or second year of our relationship. I am sad that I didn't see this sooner.

I think I am starting to grieve my current life now. There is no turning back and I am really and truly on a new path. I have no therapy for a couple weeks, so my goal is to focus on self care. Sleep, excercise, and readying myself for a job interview. I will also have a week alone in the apartment which I am grateful for.

 :hug: is all I can say.

What kind of job do I want? It's the million dollar question. It's the question that sent me back to school, then travelling to try and recover from my first job after graduating, then to therapy.

I can answer with more clarity about the things I want in life and what my values are. As for jobs? I have ended up hating them all, or I have become depressed in the course of the routine. Each time I look for a job it's a new mid-life crisis, and the day-to-day of doing the job becomes an existential dilemma.

I'm not kidding that I think I should be a homemaker, and that I could only just barely handle that. When I feel good I can get tons done. When I feel just ok, I can function. But on bad days, and there are so many of them, I am argumentative, disorganized, unable to focus and forgetful. I have gotten better over the years with a lot of painful experience and huge amounts of effort. I get through many days by sheer force of will alone.

I have the occaisional personality conflict. (usually bossy bully types or people who are not "doing the work" or presenting evidence)

I have trouble with verbal instructions and must take notes. That's not so bad, but it slows me down, especially when disorganized.

My inner critic berates me constantly or makes me doubt my abilities. I am very careful, but also very slow. I live with impostor syndrome every day.

I struggle with lateness when my enthusiasm wanes and anxiety grows.

I procrastinate and am afraid to ask for help or else ask too much.

I talk too much in the wrong circumstances. I am distracted by noises, smells, and temperature issues.

So despite learning quickly, being pretty adaptable, being enthusiastic, thoughtful, kind and loyal, and being practically tireless when on a roll, I am not a good employee. How do I overcome all of these things that, while not character traits, are pretty intrinsic due to cptsd.

I have turned down work over fear my issues above would lead to poor results and ruin my reputation in fields I care about. I also quit jobs when the downhill slide becomes irreversible, or sooner if I see it coming on. And I specifically haven't persued work in my favourite discipline because I don't feel strong enough to handle the risk of shame due to failure. Inner crittic again! So I look like a job-hopper who quits in the face of adversity. If they only knew.

So when friends ask "what type of work do you want" all I can think is "not an office" and yet that's where most of my past experiences were. And I'm just trying to start over so not really expecting much. But maybe I need to. I hope I can answer the question soon. It's plagued me my whole adult life, and won't stop until I come to terms with myself.

Today felt like an exercise in frustration. My inner critic has been on a tear again, extra harsh since yesterday's success in reaching out. I think this is one of those cases of it being in reaction to a big step in recovery. 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I have only gotten done a few of the things I wanted to. They feel inconsequential at the moment. Even the modest daily goals I set myself have fallen short today.

I did go for a walk. I texted a friend just because.

I did call my brother and have a way to get myself back to the homeland, though, so that is a huge relief. So maybe this is only half a step back.

I am trying to reframe this inner critic thing. In response to all the support I received, it's amped up, telling me it's not worthy of the support because I don't have perfect answers or a perfect plan. I'm trying to imagine my inner child hiding behind it, peeking out from around its legs. Both are afraid of all this change. And I am too. Have been feeling weird yesterday and today... Like things felt either distant or surreal. I get that feeling when I am getting sick. A lot has happened within the last few weeks. It's normal to be fatigued and afraid, and I want to try and embrace everyone in me and tell them it will be ok. If I am lucky, I'll convince the greater me as well. Because really, things are ok. It's just a lot to take in. And I feel to unsure of myself to answer basic questions at the moment. I can try again tomorrow.

Going to read and go to bed early. Really, I have worried enough for one day and can have a go at productivity in the morning.

This is the hundredth post in my journal already. I know they're not all mine but most are and it's all part of my journey. This one is very long.

Today was a bit better day. Still fighting with motivation but I was able to work on my resume and got some job research materials for my upcoming interview. I even did the dishes. (well, loaded the dishwasher, but at my worst in January I took a whole day to psyche myself up to it, and then sobbed the whole way through it, so there's no question I have made progress!)

Talked with my friend I am supposed to move in with. That's likely delayed until August now. That's not great for me but I'm not totally out of luck. I can figure something out. I want to be out of here soon.

TRIGGERS FROM HERE ON OUT FOR ALCOHOLISM, VIOLENCE, AND ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR



My friend is strongly urging me to break off all contact with the lover. I am ashamed to say I have not done that yet. We have maintained friendship, talking on the phone and texting. He was my most reliable support for several months. I had ended the sexual aspect, but it's returned with a vengence since I broke it off with the exbf. He is very different than exbf... Honestly more like my father. I am really disturbed by this but it does make sick sense.

I actually have given him a more appropriate nickname but it would be censored here. He is 99% using me and I know it. And yet, when I felt like I was coming completely undone at the end of May and through to July as I came roughly out of the fog and into awareness, he was the only friend I could reach for weeks. He did help me through a difficult patch, and theoretically I helped him through one, too. And I am getting things from this too... Sometimes it feels healthy and sometimes it feels very unhealthy. My friend knows me very well and is concerned for me and thinks I am not healthy enough to be having this kind of relationship with him. She is right and I know it. He's like an addiction, I think.

Here is a very shamefully embarrassing list of red flags on him that I have so far been aware of, but have been proceding with caution anyway, because I have been a rebound/boy crazy fool.

• He broke it off with me originally, unexpectedly. Clumsily I agreed we wanted different things. Then he tries to get laid a few times (with success) til I stop contacting him. Then he looks me up after ten years. I literally had not thought of him in years.
• He's talkative but cuts me off a lot. (But I also have a problem with cutting people off, from fighting to get a word in edgewise in convos.)
• He is always doing stuff while on the phone with me so I don't always have his full attention.
• He has referred to having a son as "procreating".
• He had the son because he thinks birth control is a woman's responsibility (all women should be on the pill).
• Despite this he didn't want to use a condom with me.
• He doesn't want to get involved with anyone because he's afraid he'll be financially taken advantage the same way he says his ex did, as if all women are golddiggers. His plan is to spend at least a year dealing with custody stuff, then find a woman with a kid of her own and settle down.
• His ex left him after he had an angry outburst... He claims he has rarely ever done that.
• But then... He texted me that he got angry about his place being so empty that he threw his vaccuum and broke it. It was in the middle of a text conversation we were having - freaked me out.
• He has told me he is a functioning alcoholic. And...
• He texted me this weekend from a strip club where he got in an angry confrontation after spilling a drink on a woman. These were acquaintances of his but not his "preferred crowd". I imagine he'll never see them again.
  
• He has no real close friends. He seems to have alienated everyone but not me (YET, as my friend says).
• He has said he's sexually narcissistic. He's sent me d!ck pics on more than one occaision. Sex is his hobby.
• I have reason to think he may be bi curious but he has acted homophobic in reaction to a comment I made
• He wants me when he wants me, usually at inconvenient times. He's harder to reach if I want to talk about my therapy or more serious things or sometimes even if I am the one in the mood for sexting.

It's funny, he sounds like total trash when I write it out like this. Not to defend him but I guess I feel bad talking about him online like this. Obviously this isn't the entirety of his personality but all of this stuff is true. He's interesting to talk to, also does medical stuff for his family, pays child support, and takes an active interest in his son's life. He's educated with a good job and "has it together".  Kinda. None of this cancels out the other stuff though.


And honestly all this stuff makes clear that I fit the profile of an abused girlfriend if this is the company I am keeping. And what does it say about me that I am still carrying on with him? I think I may be more of a problem than him. He has no desire to change, but I should know better by now. What's amazing to me is that he crawled out of the woodwork and I barely registered his presence at first, but before I knew it he was all I wanted, and completely tossing aside my plan to be alone for a long while. This also happened with the other ex I cheated with. He was a clearly dangerous narc and manipulated and took advantage of me. This one seems less malicious but still self-centered. Both somehow appeared right at very vulnerable times in my life and I welcomed them in because I wanted their attention. I am ashamed of myself and my low self-esteem.

This post might sound self-punnishing, but it's not. It's a sober look at what chaos I am courting. Because this is really what madness looks like... Doing the same [guys] over again and expecting different results. It's clear to me based on this pattern (more than once is enough for me to call it that) that I am still very unhealthy and need to do a LOT more work. And that the wounds are core wounds, so will need some specific attention to heal.

Perhaps it amounts to nothing more than the sowing of wild oats in the salad days of your youth. If you were my daughter I would tell you to "Get a job!" I know that's not so easy for anyone anymore, but try your best to become financially independent. If the men in your life can take you or leave you, dish that attitude right back at them. Develop other interests in your life. Go to career guidance section of your local public library. Until you get the job you want, don't discount waitressing especially if you're young and a people pleaser. I wasn't the best waitress, but I learned a lot about life working in the service industry. I recommend it to anyone with a good memory, a sharp wit and a reasonable tolerance of the public. Couch surfing is no way to go through life. The job I have now is not what I planned, hoped or dreamed of, but I have my own apartment and my bills are paid reasonably on time. Let these men fade into the background hum of your life and focus your attention on establishing your own independent financial security.

Quote from: Danaus plexippus on September 09, 2016, 01:38:32 PM
Perhaps it amounts to nothing more than the sowing of wild oats in the salad days of your youth. If you were my daughter I would tell you to "Get a job!" I know that's not so easy for anyone anymore, but try your best to become financially independent. If the men in your life can take you or leave you, dish that attitude right back at them. Develop other interests in your life. Go to career guidance section of your local public library. Until you get the job you want, don't discount waitressing especially if you're young and a people pleaser. I wasn't the best waitress, but I learned a lot about life working in the service industry. I recommend it to anyone with a good memory, a sharp wit and a reasonable tolerance of the public. Couch surfing is no way to go through life. The job I have now is not what I planned, hoped or dreamed of, but I have my own apartment and my bills are paid reasonably on time. Let these men fade into the background hum of your life and focus your attention on establishing your own independent financial security.

Hi Danaus!  :wave:

I agree for the most part and financial security is definitely my long term goal.   I actually went back to school four years ago, earned a college diploma with honours, and was able to get a job in my field. This was before I was out of the fog and I did it by sheer force of will, while being badly triggered by a bipolar prof in my last term. It sent me into a total tailspin. My anxiety and panic were off the charts and I had to go back on meds and get counselling to make it to the end of my program. My job then ended up being even more triggering and I struggled badly in it but had no benefits so had no therapy to cope.

It sucks, I am afraid of workplaces/"professional" settings now. I know there must be good ones but it seems the crazy finds me even when I work carefully to avoid it. And that's why I am in therapy, because I realized I need to find a way to cope better because pd/mentally ill/narc/selfish/unaware jerks are everywhere. If I can't get to that point I won't ever get ahead. And I'm the one that breaks down when faced with all this interpersonal chaos for too long.

Waitressing might work. I've never tried it. My verbal recall is not good but I take notes. I'm also looking into a mental healthcare job that pays better than anything I've had. That one requires a little more training so is a second or third stop down the job line, if I get healthy enough that I can seperate myself from other's emotions, lol. If I do that so many of my problems would be solved but I worry I am falling into magical thinking and ignoring my actual nature as a person.

I also have got hobbies and interests, but the severity of my cptsd has prevented me from enjoying anything much for the last couple years. I'm hoping to reclaim my passions when on my own. I was always too willing to put my interests aside for others in the past but I'm at a point where I want to be selfish now.

Things are generally looking up for me though with a few options of places to go. It looks like I just need to decide which location is best for starting over (if I get the job here). I do need to live in my own decompression zone for a while, for sure!

I am still up past 2:30am. Don't know how that happened but I've had a good night. Had dinner with a couple friends. Played with their adorable baby girl. Came home and exbf is gone drinking at a friend's. Took the car so can't drive home tonight. I spent the night quietly. Played video games, read, did 3 loads of laundry left over from camping. Now I am laying in bed, the whole thing to myself. Right now I am content.

Been thinking about my M lately. Time to call her, I suppose. Think I will meditate before and do yoga right after.

When I said I spent the night quietly, I meant it.  No sounds. I stopped listening to music at home much about 6 years ago. Will write about that some other time. Sleep is calling. Goodnight, OOTS.

A lightbulb moment. Most of my fear of being alone, if not all of it, is tied up in past memories of being alone, rather than the present reality or even future possibilities. And my anxiety over my ability to handle the future is also tied up in the past in the same way. Might be obvious to most people, but for me this diffuses my situation considerably.

TRIGGERS in this post regarding death, suicide, addictions, family violence, innapropriate sexual relationships.



It's my father's birthday today. I've been thinking about the impending date off and on since early August. I haven't been sure how much I'd want to write about it or what I'd want to say. The anniversary of his death passed mid-August. I choose to commemorate his life on his birthday rather than his death day. It makes for a shaky back half of summer to have these sad dates but I usually keep busy on the specific dates. Celebrate life by living it. And for me, better to celebrate life than death. On top of it all, there's that whole other tragedy which happened on this date, which makes it impossible to forget the pain of losing someone.

His death is one of my traumas, as yet unprocessed. I had hoped I would be past it by now but it hasn't happened yet. Therapy has gone slower than I wanted and I have had to face several difficulties without the benefit of processing beforehand. This is another one.

I bought three boquets of sunflowers today. He used to grow them in the back yard. I can't say that they were his favourites for sure but that patch of the yard was always his alone, and they grew wildly there, dropped their seeds, fed birds and sprouted a new patch the next year.

I have conflicted feelings about him. I love him more than my mother. He was more relatable, and appologized to me for his behaviour when I was younger. That helped, although I can't say I ever truly forgave him. We were never close. I was always too guarded, couldn't trust anyone in my FOO. I trust less than a handful of people outside it, too. The conflict comes from the fact that I basically remember him as the "sane" parent and the "good" parent but he was only those things in relation to the chaos of living with my M.

He was 13 years older than my M. She was only 18 when she had me. So his relationship with her was possibly statutory rape depending on when they started sleeping together. At the very least, it's extremely creepy and predatory. At this point he already had split from his first wife, too!

He was an alcoholic and drug addict while I was growing up. I think *most* of the hard drugs were before I was born but don't know. I know he smoked pot and hash all through his adult life. The drinking ended during my later childhood. I don't think it would have ended if a couple things hadn't happened. 1. (did I write this already?) His friend and coworker, another alcoholic, shot himself and my dad was the one who found him. 2. He beat up my M quite seriously one time. It was apparently the 3rd time but I don't remember the other 2. As an alcoholic I remember little except that one time he lost cotrol of the car in winter and ditched it literally and figuratively. He'd been drinking and left the scene so he wouldn't be arrested. Had to go get it towed out the next day. I remember finding his porn and how I was shamed for it but as I grew older my curiosity grew into an obsession to find it again and see what it was I wasn't allowed to know. I don't remember much else of his drinking days, and so little of my childhood. I remember a little of the day they got married when I was 7. I remember fights but not who instigated. I remember him leaving us and taking all our furniture but not the fight just a couple days before with the cops coming to escort him away. I remember him once saying he'd never pay a cent to my M when they split. These "cent"s were child support. He was a stereotypical deadbeat dad for large chunks of childhood.

And yet there are the good memories which somehow eclipsed the bad ones. Nature walks and long drives across the homeland. Him teaching me to shoot, first a gun, then a camera. Playing with lit incense sticks like wizard wands, tag in the snow, or running mazes he mowed in tall grass at the farmhouse he rented. Climbing through warehouse bags of packing peanuts at the supply company where he worked with the man who later shot himself. Forts made out of individually wrapped toilet paper rolls. Shooting green army men out of towers of tile and grout samples with rubber bands when he sold tiles. And the shed he tiled with samples that was like a magic hut on the inside. His love of music and massive record collection. Later, dinner parties and good conversation even though I could never really open up and be vulnerable with him.

He tried, in his way. I loved him, in mine. I now understand a couple things about him. He was perceived differently depending on which stage of life people had met him in, pre or post sobriety. And he spent his life running from his own abusive past. His came from his father. He never stopped running and then he died suddenly.

From my parents and my life I think I might know how to break the cycle of abuse even though they didn't directly teach me. I am going to do the one thing neither of them could do. I am going to return home and face my past for good. I wish I could have reached this point while he was alive. I know he loved me and wanted me to be happy.
In one of our last phone calls he asked if I was happy. I hesitated, then said unconvincingly yes. I ran out of time to make peace with him, but not myself.

Happy birthday, Dad.

 :hug:

Cyber hugs to you on this difficult day.

Thanks Three Roses!

Today was a much better day. I actually texted with my B for a while, texted my M (no response yet), and decided that I just want to get back to the homeland as soon as possible. So I messaged one friend that offered a basement suite for rent month to month and said I'd like it. He said it's mine if I want it.

Looks like I will be back in the homeland in mid October. I feel at peace with this decision.

I'll still go to that job interview I guess. It's good practice. But I don't wantnto be here anymore. I will find a job in the homeland. Things will work out. There will be challenges, but no more than here.

Good for you! So glad to hear your progress.

Life is never simple. I'm in bed hoping I'll be able to sleep off a bout of anxiety but really I'm hiding from the world.

I told my friend in the homeland I'd take his place. It's a good deal. It would give me flexibility. I felt so good about it. But it starts next month... It's so soon.

Then I had the job interview and it went pretty well. They want me back in for a second interview next week. It's in the field I went to school for and I felt like I got along well with my interviewers. There is potential to transfer back to the homeland sometime within a few years... I told them my goal to be there. But it would be a major challenge and it's here now, not there. I feel stressed just thinking about it, especially with everything that happened in my internship. Could I really manage it and still heal myself? It seems like an impossible ask for my energy levels, but if alone, I do have only me to care for. Financially, unless it pays amazingly well, my income would be swallowed by cost of living here, therapy, and return visits to the homeland, so the only real incentive to take it is for eventual returns and gains that aren't guaranteed. But ego is telling me I have to go for it, would be a fool not to, that opportunities like thos don't come along every day. Then my ICr chimes in that my skills aren't sharp enough, I'm not fast enough, etc. And that's how I torture myself.

I've tried grounding 3 times today. No luck, but it did help me last night.

It occured to me today that my M is only a few years younger now than my F was when he died. Her M also died fairly young. So that is a real weight on my conscience. My heart is in the homeland, and for now, that's where I see my future, too. I will actually have a call with her tonigh, the first in months. Can't talk to her about any of this, though.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. But at this point I am not sure what course of action is best for me and I am afraid of I let it go on much longer, as long as interviewing could take, without a final decision, then I get myself into a financial bind as I would have to pay the friend I said I would rent from if I cancel.

I did just shed some tears over this. My feelings aren't completely gone afterall. Maybe another hour or so of hiding will help me calm down.

 :bighug:

Change is never easy, they say, and for us I believe that's doubly true. Change is painful, torturous! But, we always do make it thru; we leap the chasm with pretended bravery and find things are "good enough" on the other side, too.

Thanks Three Roses, I really appreciate it.  :hug:

I did talk to my M for a bit. She seemed almost normal tonight. My B had said she's stabilized, and she even used that word herself.

She even asked me about something from months ago (that I didn't remember talking to her about). Asking me about something specific is out of character for her. She still steamrollered me in talking. I got my tendency to interrupt, tune out or get impatient from listening to her monologues. She spent 15 minutes talking about a tv show she watched. :blahblahblah:

But she does sound better than she has in a long time. More positive. It kills me because I had to keep stopping myself from telling her about my situation. I thought I'd gotten beyond wanting anything from her but tonight she seemed like she could be my mother and my inner child still wants that so badly. I just know if I make myself vulnerable to her again that the other shoe will drop at some point, like it always has. But this makes me feel again like the crazy one. I told her about the job I interviewed for and the upcoming second interview and she was all positivity and offers to help. She doesn't know about me likely returning yet, I am waiting until it is a hundred percent set. And I know she and SF would give me money or other help, but I don't want it. I could really use that help, too, but I don't want to be tied to people that can't acknowledge the reality that they abused me badly enough that I have had thousands of dollars of therapy and I'm not done yet. It is a dagger in my heart that twists on its own. I know she'll never change, and getting close to her means subsuming myself just to get along and avoid her outbursts. That's why I moved away, amongst other reasons. Any attempt I made to let her know me as I am was either branded as selfish or met with mockery.

I've just cried a bucket of tears. Guess I am still grieving my mother even though I thought I had already. I feel so crazy for wanting to go back and yet I am running out of time to have any relationship with her, even if not ideal. And I don't want to just lock her out and then show up at her deathbead.

This is all so complicated and if I just gave up, broke down, and admitted I can't do this on my own to her it would be so much easier. I am the stubborn toddler insisting I can do it alone (even though I can't really). But I am also the woman who's been through more that M can ever be trusted to know. This is the road I chose to walk. It is hard but it is mine, not "ours" or hers.

I am fighting the suspicion that I am really just a lazy failure. I know it's the FOO talking through the ICr. I'm just having a rough day.

On the bright side I am not dissociated from my feelings anymore, so that is a relief. Maybe tomorrow will bring a little clarity.

I binged a bit tonight. Not all at once. But dinner, dessert before my call with my M, a snack, then a late night sandwich. My portions were too big and only a couple of my choices were healthy. I only walked half my usual amount and didn't do yoga, nor physio. I did shower and brush my teeth. I have been picking a lot again, but thankfully haven't broken my skin badly like I sometimes do. I am a barely functioning adult half determined to self destruct.

I reached out to my "lover" tonight for some fun distraction from my distress over my M. Things had been heating up by text lately, but when I reached out tonight he referred to activities in the past tense. I failed to take the hint, carried on, then I was left hanging. I used a boundary statement, told him I felt unvalued when left hanging and told him that I would have at least liked a reply that he was unavailable. (which of course has received no reply) Then I felt angry most of the night and tried to cope with that, leading to me eating yet again. At least I felt anger, and I said something, and gave it thought before saying it. I wrote it based on a worksheet my T gave me on authentic communication. I'm not sure it will be taken better than bluntness but at least I stood up for myself as my best self wants to.

I am in a situation where I generally don't initiate, he does. And I am usually interested. His interest is not returned when I initiate. This is the second time now. I am much less willing to involve myself with him further. It's too complicated and I am ashamed I was vulnerable, thinking our openness with each other meant some kind of emotional bond was developing. I like his attention, but I am learning it is not real desire and I deserve better. Eventually I will get it. I know cognitively that I am the gatekeeper of acceptable relationships and behaviours, but emotionally I am still learning.

Tomorrow is another day. I change the dose of my medication this weekend, splitting into a morning and night dose to even out the effects of the effexor. I hope it helps. I think I made the right call advocating for that.

Aside from all this upheaval I am in for a quiet weekend. I want to discuss my job/return dilemma with someone. Other than that I have reading and cleaning ahead of me. And sleep. I should try that again. Even though I sleep a lot it's all broken into chunks.

I think I've drained the last thoughts out of me and into the electrons. Time for bed.

This morning I dreamt the "lover" texted me back something long but all I saw was the last word: nice. I couldn't get my texting app to open and that's when I realized I was in a dream and woke up. He did actually text me back a few minutes later. And the flush of anger at the betrayal was instant. Paraphrased text:

Hi, i was occupied with kids, im sorry you felt unvalued but im not validating your needs on demand

He took 4 year olds to the track last night so he could drink somewhere with them, and when I texted it was 10:30pm in his time zone. He was still busy with them? (also this has not stopped him in the past, when he wanted attention from me)

So this point was inevitable. It came sooner than I thought it would. This is as convenient a point as any to cut this off for my own well-being. My reply:

If you have any respect for me you will never contact me again.

Short, sweet, to the point. Stripping away one complication I should never have gotten into in the first place.

I might just be learning after all.

 :party: :bighug: :waveline: :yourock: :yeahthat: :band: :yahoo: :chestbump: :woohoo: :righton:

Thanks for the celebration! I do have self respect and self worth coming out bit by bit. Feels good.

TRIGGERS in this post for suffering pets (intentionally vague here, described below), binge eating, suicide, mania.





I have been emotional and tender today, and there are reasons. Last night I found a dying, emaciated orange tabby cat stumbling in some bushes. I called exbf & he eventually had to push it out from under a car with a stick. It could barely move and flopped like a ragdoll.  It was stsrving so we gave it some wet cat food (not much) but it threw it up and started convulsing. We got it into a tub and rushed it to an animal emerg close to us who said they couldn't take it because of the district it was from. I was nearly dumbstruck. The vet looked at it and said it was old and would likely need to be put down. He gave it a pain shot and we went to another vet across town, where thankfully they took it in. So that was stressful.

The day got off to a decent start. I did yoga, got all my walking in, spent time in the sun. All good.

Today was the first day of my new dosage for my meds. Same amount but now am and pm. I felt dizzy today with just the half dose. Also dissociated again, everything looked fake for about 5 min. I just took the 2nd half now.

I almost had a panic attack while walking to the grocery store but managed to get it under control right on the verge of tears. Had a vicious destructive streak which is what sparked the panic today, but even that wasn't as bad as it could have been. Only ate a third of a pint of ice cream with too much chocolate sauce instead of the whole thing like I had planned. I don't know why but I felt satisfied with less today. Maybe I was just sugared out.

I have missed the lover all day. I woke up and checked fb only to see pics of his son at the track. Still think that's a weird activity for kids but it got him in my head again and then I started regretting ending it with him. My message was clear, and maybe an overreaction, I thought. No more sex, sure. But I also ended the friendship. Even though he was cruel to me it hurts. Again on the verge of tears on the way home, but didn't start crying until right at my door.

So I ate some ice cream and watched some netflix. First a political thriller tv show where one of the characters is shown at home. She has an inoperable tumour and decides to end her life. For the first time they show her cat, who she kills by crushing pills into its wet food. Cue bawling. Ok, drama was a bad idea. I switch to comedy. It's a show where the lead had two adorable pugs. She's celebrating her dog's 18th birthday. She also decides ro go off her meds, throws the pills in the trash, and goes to work manic. Comes home and the dog has gotten into the trash, eatten the pills, and died. Really? Two tv animal deaths the day after the cat? This is not fair, obviously.

I decide to go online. I emailed my friend in the homeland letting him know if I get this job and stay here I will wire him rentbso he's not screwed over by my situation. Back on fb. First thing I see is a meme one of the lover's friends posted to his wall. It says "Dads are just like moms but smarter." And the lover liked it. Holy crap, what decade are we in? I have now unfriended him, greatful for the reminder that my red flag intuition was correct.

Now I am in bed, hopefully to sleep most of the night. I have jury selection tomorrow and maybe the week after. And a job interview this week (if not called to jury). And dinner and a concet with a friend tomorrow night. That will be nice at least. But I am ready for the pace of life to slow down now. Still a few weeks of rollercoaster left, though.

I walked into court today, first time ever. Strode up to the Sherrif's counter and said I was there for jury selection. The (sherrif? deputy? officer?) guy looked at me like he was a little afraid and said "Jury selection was cancelled. Didn't you receive notice?"

Me: "No, must have gone to my spam folder."

Him: "Well yeah, it's all cancelled"

Me: "Ok, thanks." But internally I am thinking 😎 heck yeah, just got 3 weeks of schedule cleared!

Got home and searched my email, it's a disaster, I'm a secret slob with my private stuff like that. But no, nothing. Nor in spamalot. Literally as I am searching an email from the Sherrif's office comes in that jury selection is cancelled for next week. LMAO, it was probably that guy's job to send it and he didn't do it the first time.

Stuff like that sometimes awakens a lot of anger in me, like how DARE you waste my time? But this is what life is, and I live in a pretty efficient place. I imagine living in Mexico... Would I go nuts?

I realize two things abour that anger. One is that it's a form of entitlement, I am too busy/stressed/have already suffered so much, so why am I being put upon again? Two is that it comes from toddler rage at my powerlessness in such situations. I am working on accepting and focusing on grounding at times like this. Of course, I didn't have anywhere else to be today so that was a major help.

The concert last night was good, and the dinner and company was great. My stomach became very upset later in the night, I think this was because I forgot my pm dose of my meds. I have now set an alarm in my phone until it becomes a habit. I don't mean to be so irresponsible with myself, but I am and have been a lot worse at times. I suppose changing my complete way of caring for and relating to myself is bound to have some setbacks!

Exbf is gone for a week. I have the place to myself. I intend to pack up a bunch of stuff and do some cleaning. After that I will be pet-sitting and have the option of staying over there if I want. And no jury duty, so I have a few weeks of relative peace ahead to re-commit to my self-care routines.

Feeling very anxious about my job interview. Don't want to go. Can't see how it could pay enough to meet my needs. Especially since the way things are lining up on the other side, I have things set up fairly well. I always feel nervous and anxious about interviews, and about a lot of things in general, haha. It'll be fine, just another step to get through on the path to clarity of purpose.

Last week I started digitizing old family slides. It was at times triggering but has also given me some anchor points in my past.

Tonight I started thinking about why I am afraid to be alone. I think this fear was in me from birth, this fear of abandonment and feeling of utter helplessness.

My M was not ready to be a mother. I have long felt she resented me. But now I realize she was probably terrified. Me still nursing and my B on the way, and her not even 20. Some of the slides showed my GrandM there...I have a few vague reccollections of her. I have the blanket she knitted me, still. So if she was there, M was not coping well. I think. Or maybe it was more of a family thing, or a Catholic thing. It's pretty normal for the mother to come help her daughter right after giving birth. But if M was not coping, which I suspect, then that would have imprinted on me. M told me I was collic-y. Was I, or was I a normal baby crying a normal amount, trying to get her attention? So perhaps it started then.

If not then, there would have been many times that contributed. I was threatened more things than I cam remember by her. Almost certainly she would have threatened to leave me somewhere. And later, she did leave me at home alone, looking out for my brother. I think it started around 9 or so. She was in her 20s and wantwd to enjoy life. We were in the way of that.

One time my F came over when she was gone. We had no sitter and she left us at home for an evening. I don't know what time it was. F asked where she was, and I said at a party or something. He took us to his place for the night, rightly thinking we shouldn't be alone at night and that I wasn't old enough to handle my little B. It aounds weird. All I remember is the interior of the car and having my blanket with me

A few hours later, we were woken up. My M had gotten home, found we were gone, and called the cops, who showed up to bring us home and deal with my F. Flashing lights red and blue. I was scared. She "won" because F looked like a criminal, but if anyone had done something illegal it was probably her. I guess she did actually abandon me that time, at least, to go party.  I'm lucky CPS didn't get involved... I imagine life would have been even worse if they would have. And she "won" because after that she got to turn us against F by saying he would kidnap us. So I lived in terror of thay for a long time.

Remembering this tonight, seems pretty clear why I have issues. I am glad my present is so much safer than my past.

It sounds like this job is mine if I want it. I am expecting they will make an offer on Monday. It means I would have 3 more years here away from the homeland. Maybe that would be good for me and my independence. I need time to think, and fortunately I do have that now.

Wow.

:fallingbricks:

Time to think..hahaha. If there's one thing life does, it moves fast. I just had a call with my new coworker. I accepted the position. It's a serious (but probably lots of fun) career job in my field, my wage will be better than last time, I will get benefits (this is the major reason I said yes), and it is unionized. This is a good job and very rare in my field. I will have to work hard every day but I feel more confident today. I have a couple weeks to brush up my skills before I start getting my hands dirty.

I will be able to live on the wage. The benefits help with that. Might have to get a roommate, or I can afford a bachelor suite. I can do at least a couple more therapy appointments to wrap up emdr. Then I should find some other kind of therapy - which I might have some coverage for! My hours of work will limit that somewhat, but I will figure it out. I start Oct. 11th.

My heart is still in the homeland but I will head back around Christmas if I can for a visit. The hard thing with this is feeling like the girl who cried wolf. It really seemed like my benefits were going to run out before I found work again with so few bites. My whole internal and external world were unstable and I feel a lot of guilt for reaching out in the first place, and more now for changing the plan. Especially to my friend who had offered a place to rent. I'll make it right, but it's still so flakey, something I didn't want to be seen as. But maybe they won't see me that way, maybe they'll be happy for me. Maybe that was just my ICr talking. I will work on accepting the fact that this is what putting me first means, and I hope they understand.

MFTB - I feel certain that they will understand. When a rare opportunity comes knocking, and it's RIGHT in your comfort zone for type of job, benefits, etc, most people who know you will be very glad for you. Even if it means that they may miss out on rent (least of the worries, probably) and visiting with you in person.

Thank you, Wife#2, your support means a lot. I did email my friend last nigjt and he said it was fine, he knew I had to do what was right for me, and they had another renter lined up. I also told the other friend who I was going to move in with later on... She was theilles for me. So it all worked out. I will tell the rest of my friends today.

Today the inner critic is strong, bu I am determined to be gentle with myself in spite of it. I woke up and did some Yin yoga for the first time. I had so many thoughts arising, and it was so hard to surrender and relax. I realized that there are extremely few times I am totally relaxed. Not even in these poses with my body supported. I could feel things tensing up or twitching. Rarely even before sleep. I usually just get tired but since childhood I have screwed my eyes shut tight at bedtime, so I fall asleep in a frown. The only time I can reliably say I relax and surrender is after orgasm. The funny thing is that I could say I'm comfortable, but it wouldn't be the same as being relaxed. Something else to be mindful of.

I am sick. Almost certainly in relation to the stress I've been under lately. I didn't get sick for several years and this is the third time this year, now. I wasn't eating very well on job interview days, and less well in general, so I guess it makes sense. I always figured getting ill is at least partially a stress response. And I usually have too much stress and not enough coping/self-care. So I used to get sick a lot.

This time, a guy sneezed on me on the bus. So on the surface, he's to blame, but my inner critic seems to think that if I was doing everything right then I'd be impervious to most illnesses. I know that's a logical fallacy.

I also know that I need self care maybe more than others, though everyone does need it. And yet my immediate reaction, which I am still trying to replace, is to go for unhealthy "quick fixes". My outer critic would judge others for prioritizing themselves because I couldn't do it for myself. My inner critic judges me no matter what, so I drag myself to work sick now in fear of the judgement of others in addition to that of the critic. The "christian" work ethic is such garbage - societal indoctrination that makes sure people don't place their own needs above others. And that's what the majority of this judgement is rooted in - both mine and others. Work til you drop if you want to live. It's so backwards. Anyway, got on a rant there. I don't have to work yet. I just have to be even more gentle with myself for a few days.

I can relate to this soooo much.
Yes, stress can really mess up your immune system and make you feel physically lousy for sure. And I know all about the "if I am not dying I have to go to work"-ethic and the fear of being judged.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

If a colleague happens to call you crazy for being at work and that you should be at home: go home. I had that once and it was a clear sign of being really really sick. A colleague saying that means they know you're really ill and not faking.

Also, go home if you feel awful. If a colleague ever calls you out for your outer critic (if you have expressed it) you can always say that you feel that way because you won't allow yourself to be sick either. It may open up dialogue even or, at the very least, you'll show that you didn't intend any hypocrisy and are a hard working person at the core. Just thinking out loud here.

Don't know what else to say.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Tonight's post is me complaining about entertainment. I seem to write here so much more than everyone else. Perhaps because I've made this space my main outlet for consistency's sake. But that might not be healthy in the long run. I suppose my goal is unofficially to become healthy enough that I don't need to be here.

Alone in my apartment this week while exbf is away. Space to do what I want. And I got sick, so mostly that has been watching tv or sleeping. Not the kickstarter week I thought it could be. I am having a brokenhearted night that has taken me by surprise.

I don't know if there are others out there that hate the way relationships are portrayed onscreen as much as I do. For years I couldn't watch romcoms because I hated them so much. But that intolerance grew to anything romantic, and at times I couldn't even handle scenes with happy families. Gilmore Girls was like papercuts under my  fingernails. I outwardly wrote it all off as unrealistic or contrived. But truthfully, I have known a couple mother/daughter combos that seemed to share that rediculously tight bond, and seeing it onscreen always reminds of what I don't have, and that it's not as farfetched as I want to believe. Rare, yes. But not impossible, at least, not for others. The only way I could know it is if I have my own daughter and foster that closeness myself. And I am in no position to do that.

I guess I am still grieving. Will I ever be done? There seems to be yet another layer each time I think the current layer is the last. I know it's not linear, but sometimes it feels spherical, and that can't be right either.

I can't stand overly strong romance, and am sometimes uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Mainly I think this because I have never experienced it. It happens to other people, not me. I have had some tender moments and some times I will never forget with people I have loved, but true romance takes work and I have never believed in the commitment of my partner enough to really give myself over to it. I always do in the begining, I would do almost anything. But it doesn't take long to find out those feelings aren't reciprocal. Exbf and I had about two and a half years where anything seemed possible. Until we went to a friend's wedding. I loved him so much, and I started to think of our future together, and maybe kids were a part of that future. But when I tried to talk to him about it he shut it down flatly. It wasn't what we agreed on when we first got together. He only wanted to have fun, without any serious commitment or responsibility. And I fell out of love in that moment. I still loved him for years after but it was never romantic again. I realized he would never envision the future in the same way as me. And yet I stayed, because nothing was "wrong". We were having "fun". And I was too scared to be alone, had so little self-worth that I thought this was the best I was going to get.

It sucks to realize that I wasted most of my life on others. It sucks to realize that I might want kids, but only with the right partner. And that I have such an unstable foundation and nothing saved up for the future, again mainly due ro my misplaced external focus, so I don't really have much to offer a partner at this point, anyway. It sucks to have to leave the man who has been my best friend for 9 years. And it sucks to realize in an ill-advised affair that that deeper level of connection is possible. With my life in the state it's in, no man I would want would want me, so this next chapter of my life will be about me alone, by default. And I know that's best for me to heal myself. Cold comfort.

I still feel so much fear and loneliness. I would always run away from it for fear it would swallow me. And I still feel that way. But I've been through so much wrong in my life that the main glimmer of hope I have is that I am more courageous than I know, and that I can learn to thrive, and that I can do it alone.

This post brought to you by buckets of tears.

 :bighug:

You have more to offer than you realize. Yourself and/or a partner. Yes, some time alone can help you heal better than being in a relationship where your default is tend to others, not yourself.

It is true that the scars we don't know what to do with can hold us back. Yes, they've healed, but they're still visible. Even if others don't see them, we know they're there. The hardest part of having these scars is allowing others to see them and not feel judged.

Yet, you have so much to offer, you are such a kind person, you really do have so much love ready to burst out of your heart. The capacity is completely there. And if I can see that just from your words on a computer screen, I can only imagine how impactful meeting you would be.

I know my words won't make your current situation better or make that perfect SO suddenly show up (or be revealed). I speak anyway to let you know that, even in these saddest moments, you ARE loveable and DO deserve that kind of 'know you and still love you' repartee in friendship and/or romance. Please don't doubt that. I can't promise you'll find it, but I do see you well enough to see that you DO deserve it!

Quote from: movementforthebetter on September 26, 2016, 07:13:41 AM
I suppose my goal is unofficially to become healthy enough that I don't need to be here.

I so relate. I'd leave here rather today than tomorrow.

QuoteFor years I couldn't watch romcoms because I hated them so much.

Fairy tales. That's what these romcoms are. "They lived happily ever after". Right. But is it ever explained just HOW they do that? No. Of course not. Since it firstly takes an effort, and secondly during the effort one usually is not particularly 'happy'.

QuoteIt sucks to realize that I might want kids, but only with the right partner.

"With whom else?", I'd ask. The only reason I don't have kids is that "I never ran into the right partner" (that sounds rather passive) and when I did, I was too scared and/or confused to actually commit. Commit in the sense off: "Yeah! This is good enough!" Nobody ever told me "good enough" is possibly all that it might take.
Then again, my parents divorced after 40 years of a marriage of perpetual conflict. Not a good environment  to raise children. I can attest to that. How to do better? I haven't got a clue. I think I was mostly weary to end up in a similar situation, than looking for what I was 'missing' in that relationship, and simultaneously being happy I was missing it.
But being happy never seemed to be a part of having a relationship, as my parents mirrored to me.

QuoteThis post brought to you by buckets of tears.

:grouphug:
And thanks for sharing.
I hope my reply wasn't too depressing.

hang onto that glimmer, mftb!  it's real.  you are courageous and deserving of nothing but the best.  as long as you continue on your path of healing, there really is no telling what's around the corner.  hills and valleys, for sure, maybe a few surprises.  in the meantime, just to let you know, buckets of tears have been my closest friends for years!  but, even they are diminishing.  give yourself time and patience.  as it is said, this, too, shall pass.

Thank you for the words of support, everyone. I'd like to respond to each in detail, and I might, but no promises. I am a little overwhelmed right now.

I woke today feeling a little better. Still sad, but functional. It was actually a pretty productive day. I put on my game face (makeup), got a piece of gov't paperwork for my new job, took it in, ate reasonably (by my low standards, dinner will help balance it out for the day), did laundry, and did some cleaning. Even made the bed. I will surpass my walk goal by the end of the day and plan to get some yoga in, with reading before bed. I'm just starting to find a routine that works for me, at least the things I think need to happen each day for me to function at my best. It will all be up in the air soon since I will have to work at 7am, but at least I will have items to "check off" so regardless what happens I can have my own basic standards for success.

As for love, I still want it, haven't given up on it, but am not yet ready for it. Fair enough! I have so much else to focus on. Loneliness will probably fade with time and self-care.

TRIGGERS in this post for child sexual abuse and feminist discussion.

I had my first session with my T in a couple weeks today, and it will be the last regular session for a while. I couldn't handle doing EMDR today so we talked, reviewed my therapy plan, and re-evaluated my list of values.

I gave her the recap of what had happened in the past couple weeks (which is probably a rediculous  amount of change for anyone) and broke down crying after telling her how I ended it with the lover. She asked what he represented to me and I responded "possibilities". I felt like I closed a door on someone I had an authentic connection with. I was totally honest with him although I couldn't totally trust him with my deepest vulnerabilities yet (that will be a rare man, and will take time). I know he wasn't healthy for me. She tried to help me reframe it as closing the door on him, but doing so because I am "cleaning house" to make space for people who truly value and respect me and will meet me halfway. I know this in my head, it's exactly why I ended it. But my heart isn't there yet. Somehow when I needed to, my head took control and ended it because my heart would just fight, push-pull, and still end up without resolution. That's what usually happened in spats in the past. But with him I saw some things I didn't like. He's a nurse who has worked in a psych ward, and he knows my issues and that I am in therapy. Yet he went straight to saying he wouldn't "validate" me, when I was asking for the respect of a "Sorry. Can't. Busy now." That's it. Respect, not validation. It felt so incredibly cruel that he went there. And it might sound weird to say, but that is what I'm holding onto as my attachment to him runs its course. The past two days I almost messaged him. Wanted to apologize so badly and try to be friends again. But then I see that text from him, and the surgical precision of the cruelty, and I know that in the heat of the moment I made the right call. I'm just not used to doing it, so part of this pain is the flexing of my new muscles of self-respect. Nurturing relationships were always for other people in the past, not me. But my thoughts on that are slowly changing. Eventually I will be ready again, and when I am, I will be fully present and available.

Because of the new job I am taking a break from EMDR for a while. But not from therapy.  :whistling:

My T also runs an evening support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. She'd been suggesting it for a while. So for the next 8 weeks that is what I will be doing. We talked about what I want to get from it. I'm not even sure. Most of the time I don't really feel anything when I think about my CSA, and yet tonight thinking about it just now made me tear up. I guess I am looking forward to meeting others who share similarly complicated/awful/traumatic childhood experiences. I am not looking forward to hearing the extent of their abuse. I am sure it could be so much worse than mine and my heart breaks that anyone has to go through that. But I am looking forward to feeling less "other".

Statistically, I know several women with similar backgrounds. But if I do, they've never shared that with me. And most wouldn't, I think. I actually think that most people don't seek healing. I am lucky enough to be here even though it hurts. It's better than forever living frozen in time. I suspect that is what is wrong with my M, and that she's denied it so long she's completely dissociated herself. But I'm not her dr.

I personally despise the phrase "no pain no gain" but basically that's what this painful journey is. I like to think of it as moving from the darkness into the light. Movement for the better. Not done with moving yet. My T reminded me I am laying important foundations that are unfamiliar, and that will be part of the pain. I find with every good thing that happens I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall. It's been like that my whole life. And because I expect that shoe, I give up, or self sabotage, or just can't stay in the present. It's so hard to relearn, and I can trace it back to 8 yrs old at least. A lifetime to recategorize. I am almost done phase 1. My last EMDR target is my F's death. I realized I'm not ready for it so it will wait til after survivors group.

Ugh... Not sure if I thought of it this way before, but I always figured my CSA started with the babysitter. I know now it started with my F and his magazines,if not before. (if there is a before I hope to never remember it) Was I in denial? Maybe. Or just didn't understand what actually constitutes CSA. I think I have kinda looked at it before, but not fully, even with EMDR. Will do in group. The Body Keeps The Score kinda jolted me about how different abuswd children are, and it makes me make a bit more sense. Might not be able to post about that in Book Talk. Too personal a realization.

I would like to talk about some more feminist issues here, but was triggered by some posts a while ago into thinking that many of the members here wouldn't get my intentions or respond well. It makes me sad that I even think I have to put a trigger warning for this, but welcome to the internet. A few would be interested for sure, but would it be enough to make the pains of opening up the discussions worth it? I'm easily wounded by cruel words and these kinds of discussions have a tendency to show some ..."blind spots" in others. Maybe one day. I feel it would be a valuable addition to the forum if only to point women towards empowering resources.

Wide awake at 4am after only 4 and a half hours sleep. At least while I was sicker the cold meds kept me sleepy enough to get a full nights rest. Now I am awake despite takig a night time decongestant. But hey, I'm not stuffed up at all.

I think I was having a dream about the now ex-lover. How do men get under my skin so easily? Half biology, half conditioning, I suppose. I even missed exbf while he was away. I guess that's normal, though. He was my partner for 9+ years.

I'm staying at a friend's currently, house sitting. Will do it again this month, too. It's been really nice to have space and time alone. It means I feel the extreme loneliness sometimes but the quiet it so peaceful for my frazzled nerves.

I had a memory tonight that I hadn't thought of in forever... Maybe since these things happened.

As a kid I used to play dead. I don't know exactly when this started but I think I was 5 or 6. I used to lay totally still and slow my breathing as much as I could so that my chest wouldn't even move when I breathed. I think I combined breathing shallower with holding my breath otherwise I'm not sure how I did it.

I remember thinking at least once that if people thought I was dead they would be sad and pay attention to me. That can't be a normal thought for a kid, can it?

At other points I did it to avoid attention. I think it was some kind of early dissociation. I remember being at a lake with family and not wanting to be with anyone so I went in the tent and either played dead or faked being asleep so I could lay there and fantasize. I faked being asleep more than once as I got older, too. As early as 3, I remember trying to be very still in bed and having to scrunch my eyes shut tight because they wouldn't stay shut on their own. I can keep them closed now but still scrunch when falling asleep. And I have also pretended to be asleep at other times, too. Is it just a weird was to get alone time, or representative of some other form of escape?

Fast forward to high school. For some reason in Drama class we were playing graveyard. I won by a landslide, with classmates saying I was holding my breath yet waiting longer than I could hold my breath but still not seeing my chest move. They didn't understand how. They said I won but I thought they were trying to trick me so I still waited another minute.

I normally choose not to comment on recovery journals; to me they're a work-in-progress and it seems like intruding on the flow to check in with outside commentary. But something you said is very familiar to me, so with your forbearance I just wanted to relate.

You said: "I have also pretended to be asleep at other times, too. Is it just a weird way to get alone time, or representative of some other form of escape?" Definitely not weird, based on my experience, and probably indicative, as you suggest, of that elusive escape some of us needed. That pretend demeanour can do the trick when desperate, but it also can become habitual as one gets familiar with doing it.

I also did this as a kid when stuff got rough around me. When I became an improv actor as an adult, this learned trait served me well on many occasions. And there are times when I still fall into that mode almost automatically, especially in a stressful situation with no other practical escape.

Despite my social side, the inner private self is secretly petrified of people, whether I know them or they're strangers. And so I can close down rapidly, even with eyes open. I've even (not on purpose) startled people when I'd slightly move; have even received the comment of "Oh...we thought you were a statue." And depending on where I am (a museum, say), the blend is actually that perfect.

But I know the why, and your description was very familiar. So I wanted to chime in with how this has shown up in my life.

Thanks.

Hi woodsgnome, thanks for your comment. It's reassuring, I guess, to know I'm not alone with that. But sorry that you were in situations that necessitated that kind of coping.

For what it's worth, I did improv myself for a year or so in my early 20s. I also found it a good way to get out of my shell and push my limits.

Oops, I went a day without writing. Technically. General trigger warning on this post for inner critic talk.





Had job training and came home from the friend's place today, more training tomorrow. Had dinner with exbf and a friend of his.

Feeling too wide awake, distracted myself with outside things. Tv an internet.

Like I didn't have enough sadness and hurt at the moment, I sleuthed out exlover's online dating profile. Ugh. I still miss him. My mind turns to him so often... Why? I was walking this week and was almost crying. I sat on a bench by the water and typed out a letter to him that I don't think I'll send. I might post it in letters of recovery - I've never written one before, and writting this just happened spontaneously. I can't be in love with him. It's like he's a pack of cigarettes and I'm having a nic fit. I think. I don't smoke. But I imagine it's similar... The itch that demands scratching. He does a good job coming across as mostly normal, but the chips on his shoulders are visible to women that are sensitive to such things. If anything, he comes across a bit arrogant & trying too hard. Apparently that's a type I go for. And still I miss him. Still rebounding, still naiive to think there's anything worth the trouble with him that I couldn't find in a more empathic person.

Soon I hope to be too busy to care much any more. One last week of idleness. Then it's time to get settled at the new job. The hours are ideal for me to avoid one of my major triggers, but the job itself will force me to face several major fears with regularity.

I've been shutting down my inner crittic but it's been coming out in other ways. I picked a lot today. I've stayed up too late when I have to be up early. I didn't walk enough or do yoga. I hurt myself looking at that profile. I think a lot of this is in reaction to my fears about my job. I am afraid that I won't be able to perform well enough or consistently enough or that my depression or perfectionism will impact my performance. I have always had horrible Impostor Syndrome. I am afraid they will decide I was a mistake and fire me.

For a second there it was "...decide I was a mistake the same way my mother made me feel" but I know those are separate things. I had a painful moment. A few tears. I worked hard and am on the doorstep of something that could be quite rewarding. I guess I am afraid because I don't know what that feels like - stability, independence, commitment. Good things feel "bad" to me sometimes. Maybe more than sometimes. I'm so scared. I have been meaning to brush up my skills a bit, but have procrastinated so far. One week left to do that. Would be worth it.

This is the reminder because I feel otherwise. I am worth it. I am worth the time I invest to improve in the skills that make me better at my job. I am worth the consistency of improvement that comes with practice. I don't think my parents ever said that to me when I was in piano lessons, instead they fought while I tried to practice. No wonder I quit so often.

But this is now. I can choose differently. I don't have to do the same things I did in the past. I am worth the commitment to myself, and I am worth recommitting every day that I need it.

"...this is now. I can choose differently." Definitely. Plus commitment to self; and then, equally important--re-commitment. I have journals filled with self-talk but the follow-through, commitment parts were extremely rough and hard to maintain. It helped me, if I could, to step out of feeling that it all had to be perfect.  I'd forget or ignore one huge commitment--to relax, as best I could (also...sigh...and oddly...difficult).

Perfectionism is one of my Inner Critic's favourite doors and when it opens, I'm doomed. It's drawn to the tension, it seems. So one can also choose to relax into the flow. It's something I found, forgot, and dearly miss--a trait I also learned via my improv theatre years--that ability to relax but still be fully engaged. When I had that, it seemed almost more perfect on the other side. Commit, re-commit, relax was my 3-part mantra.

Best to you  :hug:

"Commit, re-commit, relax"

Thank you. This is very comforting and I really appreciate it.

So I think compassion for my inner critic has been distracting me from compassion for my self, if that makes sense. In any case it hasn't been working. In another thread I was thinking of it as part of me, so I couldn't have compassion for ME without compassion for IT. This was erroneous. This gave it a chance to devalue me.

I was looking at the critic as part of me because I can't remember a non-drug-induced time without it. And that was a big part of the problem. Because the critic is not a part of me.

It's a construct that came into being for protection when I was too young to know other ways. This means I can dismantle it. Or ignore it safely.

This also means I am still a whole person without it. It's just a gremlin on my shoulder, not in me, just riding me, whispering in my ear. Instead of listening or "being compassionate" to it, I am going to change it up, and flick it away like the nuisance it is.

Compassion for me is compassion for the tender bits, the wounded bits, the childish and child-like bits, and the rough edges. It's remembering that I am beautiful inside and out, worn, cracked, and weathered.

Compassion is putting pencil to paper. It's studying. It's excercise and self care. It's not foreign or abstract. It's actions I can take every day that make a space within me for self-love to grow. It's completing as many actions as possible each day without expectation of perfection.

I can do that. Commit, re-commit, relax. This is starting to make more sense.

TRIGGERS in this post for child abuse and tickling/touching.



I've been thinking about healing touch a lot lately. I must have been so neglected once my brother was born, and I was still a baby myself. I wish I had a source of it other than massage or romance. When I was young friends used to play with my hair. That sort of thing. Intimacy without expectation.

When I was a child, I was held down and tickled until I was laughing but crying "stop, stop".  It was torture for me, yet I can't remember who did it when I was young. One of the rapist exes used to do it to me, too. It ruined many aspects of touch for me. If someone brushes against me now my skin crawls and I cringe. I can't tolerate the softest touches. For the entirety of our relationship I tried to get exbf to understand that I needed to be caressed with an open palm only, and never in some highly sensitive areas. And he would never remember, instead trailing his fingertips right over the most ticklish spots, making me jump out of my skin. So it got to the point that I would cringe when he touched me at all. I couldn't even get my most basic physical needs met in 9 years of trying. That was how our relationship played out, in so many ways.

Still thinking of ex-lover. I don't like how it ended, so abruptly and with harsh words from both of us. I want kinder closure. It's only been a few weeks but today I almost texted him to ask if he'd talk to me so we could do better by each other, then let the chips fall where they may. But I didn't do it. I decided to wait longer before doing it, until I've finished The Body Keeps The Score, at least. Is this a bad idea, or the worst idea? He was in my past, and he is again in my past. But still present in my mind, though thankfully with less intensity.

Am just about to go to sleep. Training myself to wake earlier in prep for work. Am actually tired so grateful for that.

Goodnight, OOTS.

Quote from: movementforthebetter on October 04, 2016, 05:12:41 AM
Still thinking of ex-lover. I don't like how it ended, so abruptly and with harsh words from both of us. I want kinder closure. It's only been a few weeks but today I almost texted him to ask if he'd talk to me so we could do better by each other, then let the chips fall where they may. But I didn't do it. I decided to wait longer before doing it, until I've finished The Body Keeps The Score, at least. Is this a bad idea, or the worst idea? He was in my past, and he is again in my past. But still present in my mind, though thankfully with less intensity.

Oh, mftb, I wish a lot of my earlier relationships could have ended better, with healthier closure. But, that is trying to control the end and we have no control over those things. I understand. I've sat and thought or even written what I wish had been said by both of us instead of how the breakup came to be final. It was meant to end the way it ended. Because of the unique combination of people it could be no other way, really.

It's perhaps time to mourn the relationship, what could have been and what you wished had been. Take the time to forgive yourself for whatever you may have contributed to the 'failure' of the relationship. Forgive him for not being capable of being the man you needed him to be. In your own mind and heart, this is stuff to keep to yourself. Maybe after mourning you will be able to see that it was a bad match, not really healthy for either of you.

Please resist the urge to contact him again, though. I know it can be overwhelming. I once ended up in front of the ex-boyfriend's house before I realized I was headed there. Thankfully, he wasn't home. I just drove home, cried and wrote pages in my journal. After that, I was able to start the process of moving on. I hope the same can be true for you, without trying to 'fix' the ending.  HUGS to you!

Thank you, wife#2. I'm afraid this is the start of a sad pattern that I recognize. It happened with my cheater narc ex as well. I fell so hard for him, and became stuck on him for years. Just when I thought I was over him, he'd pop up to make sure I hadn't forgotten him. I now see that as part of a cycle of abuse. He'd string me along, make sure I was hooked, then say something awful to me to "put me in my place". Somehow ex-lover turned out to be the same. It's so disappointing. It shows me I am still prone to fall for abusive men and not recognize it until I am attached. But so far I have broken free of the pattern and not fallen back in. I need to keep up that good work. I think being honest about my feelings helps.

Looking at it more, it wasn't just possibilities I saw with him. He shared my dreams, and I attached to that aspect of him fully. He was familliar, and I mistakenly felt "secure" with him, thinking he was safe.

I have been on the other side of the coin, too, thinking I should delete his texts and photos from my phone and block his number. Of course, then I have to look at his face and more again. So I've been avoiding action on all fronts.

On top of everything, am still coexisting with exbf as we try our best to give eachother space but still live our lives.

I am very sad and very tired today. I managed to get up, have breakfast, shower and get dressed but now I want to sleep again. I have been meaning to check out neighbourhoods I might want to live in. Might still do that. It would get me outside at least.

Thank you again for your support. I can't explain why this transition to being alone is so fraught for me, it just is. I'm glad that I can talk about it honestly here.

TRIGGERS in this post for child sexual assault, sexual harrassment and weight, eating disorders/body image.


Tomorrow I start my child sexual assault survivor group therapy. Today I guess I feel numb. I have been zoning out a lot - escaping in sleep or video games. A few things have been making me think.

I was working for a while to "get healthy" but I've realized I am afraid to lose weight because of the negative attention that comes with it. So I've been more active, but then I'll eat a pint of ice cream, ensuring nothing changes. Classic self sabbotage. I hope I can learn to feel safevin my own skin one day.

I am a chesty woman, even when "thin". (Which has not been for years.) I get cat-called on the street, I've had men that just met me comment on my breasts and ask about them, make lewd gestures, and I am incredibly self-conscious. I realised it's just "easier" to bulk up and be fat and invisible than to be attractive.

The Body Keeps The Score talks about molested girls reaching sexual maturity faster. That wasn't my experience, exactly.  I had boys interested in me starting at age 12 or 13... I remember surreptitious make-outs in school yards or forests. One boy said I was too flat-chested. I couldn't help that. I didn't really start to develop until I was 14, around when I started earing alone, and also gaining weight. I got my period when I was 15, very late by most standards. But puberty did happen, and it turned out that I developed very large breasts which I have since been trying to camoflauge, flatten, secure, contain and hide since. I think my poor posture is partly because of them - I am too conscious of movement and attention and try to minimize it. I do get some back, neck and shoulder pain from them. But apparently poor posture is tied to child abuse and molestation, too.

I got cruel comments about my weight from guys and supposed friends, so being fat hasn't really made lige easier. "How long have you been carrying the rolls for?" and "You'd be really pretty if you were thin." in particular stand out in my memory. And when I say "fat", I guess I mean top-end overweight. Some people would try to say I'm not fat, but I don't see it that way. I've always felt fat, even when I weighed 30lbs less.

But I do like feeling healthier. I like having more stamina. I like looking good for me, and I like being able to buy clothes off the rack. I don't want to end up morbidly obese like my M, who seems to have torally given up.

I hope through this group that I can regain some more power in my life and control over my choices. We will see what happens.

Ok, for whatever reason, today is a much better day. First in a while. I'll take it. I've done yoga two days in a row. Might get back to walking. Group tonight. I think perhaps I was stuck in a bad EF from reading The Body Keeps The Score. In any case, feeling clearer and more content today.

 :) :thumbup:

TRIGGERS in this post for child sexual abuse and sexual assault.



:fallingbricks:

That emoticon sums up my day. I'm back to feeling triggered and agitated after Survivors Group tonight.

We agreed to confidentiality so I will only ever discuss my own experiences in the group, and nothing personal about anyone else's journey.

I just need to get this out of my system.
My T, same as for EMDR, runs this group. There's only 4 of us in it. I am the youngest, I think. Another woman is close to my age, and two are senior-ish. We shared our stories tonight. I went into the group thinking that I didn't really deserve to be there. I was minimizing my own experience. Apparently that's common. I guess that's somewhat reassuring. But after hearing everyone's stories, I realized that they had all tried to tell someone that they had been abused not long after it happened, and had all spoken to multiple people about it. They also all knew other women it had happened to.

Me? I am the only woman I can say for sure it's happened to amongst my friends and family. I had no one safe to tell, until I talked to my brother 4 months ago and discovered we share that abuse. I super-briefly told some friends just the barest details about 10 years ago, but totally minimized it then, too. Even tonight, just the sparsest descriptions, and completely glossed over the fact I was molested. That's literally all I said about it: "I was molested by a babysitter" and "I was left alone on a bus with a masturbating man and he followed me". I even justified the babysitter's abuse in the context of her almost certainly having been abused herself. I felt like I spoke the least. I felt isolated in my experience... The only one molested by a girl, the only one who didn't at least try to tell someone, the only one who didn't have a parent that could be trusted enough to provide the barest minimum of safety.

Something one of the group members said brought up a memory and I saw it in a new, horrible light. My first New Year's in this city, exbf and I went to a nightclub to party and ring it in. We did mdma so were high and out of it. We saw a young woman in a red dress go down on a guy right in public just off the dance floor. It wasn't even that dark there. She must have been way higher than me... Like incoherently high. We were shocked. Later, we noticed the same woman alone, looking depressed. The dude had split. Tonight I realized for the first time that I had witnessed a sexual assault, but I was too high and naiive to understand it or do anything to help. #@©% me. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now, years later, but acknowledge it.

At the end of the session we visualized putting our worries in a box, but again that visualization fails me. The thoughts some so fast, an avalanche of images, memories, sensations. I had to just keep pulling myself back to the present.

So I feel alone and angry and guilty and ashamed and a little unsafe now. There was a middle-aged man walking behind me too close for a few blocks after the session and I thought of the masturbator. I got triggered into fear. It was just some dude having a smoke.

I scarfed down half a bag of gummy candies on the way home. The urge to eat was so strong. My stomach hurts. I'll try to pack something healthy and binge-proof for next week. My chest and jaw are tight. I suspect there will be a few more posts like this as I work through it.

Man, I was not kidding when I named this journal Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Confusing dreams. I dreamt of an old friend I no longer talk to. I had found his online journal and was reading it. There were entries about me and how I had vanished from his life. He was upset. It was almost like we broke up but we weren't romantically involved. But he was someone I had felt safe talking to about pretty much anything. The entries were hard to read - I had to make the text bigger. Then suddenly I was at his place. He had a passageway to a secret beach. He and another woman had been sunbathing there. She may have been my mother. There was also a young boy who went to see him and as he climbed the stairs back up he hurt his ankle. I helped tend to him. If my old friend was present at that point he didn't recognise me.

I was also in a house in a major windstorm. My mother and someone else, maybe my step father, were sleeping in a room on the main floor. I was moving around the housebtrying to get a view of the house next door. It was old and abandoned, and the storm sermed set to destroy it. There was a stairwell almost seperate from the house in a wooden tower. A huge gust of wind made the whole thing move and almost fall. It was resting against the house and I was afraid it would fall on ours.

I saw orange clouds representing the wind. I got my camera to try to get a picture of the old house. I was creeping around, afraid and trying to not wake my family. I made it into one room and suddenly had a clear view into the dining room of the other house and saw a beautiful composition of old furniture in the dilapitated room. I tried to take a photo but when I held the camera up I could not focus because my own house was shaking in the wind. From there I tried to go outside and there was a younger boy I tried to catch up with. I wanted to talk to him but couldn't reach him. I thought he had been abused. I thought I may have abused him. I woke up before reaching him, before my family woke, and before the okd house collapsed.

I finally started going through the recovery tools section. I was too overwhelmed before. I've copied one to have here for personal reference since I think I will use it every day. Thanks so much to Kizzie for sharing the resources.


Here's a worksheet I found at the Australian Adult Survivors of Child Abuse web site (http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php (http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php)) about self-soothing:

Source: Survivor to Thriver (1999). The Morris Centre. Available: www.ascasupport.org (http://www.ascasupport.org)

One of the most important skills for survivors to learn is how to soothe themselves emotionally. Most survivors never learn to self-soothe in childhood because parents who abuse are also often poor at soothing themselves and, consequently, at teaching their children to self-soothe. However, it is essential to your recovery that you develop some capacity for self-soothing early on in your recovery journey. You will need this skill as you proceed through the various stages of recovery.

Soothing is what good parents do when their children are upset. It often involves soothing touch that is warm and comforting. It can involve words that are reassuring, empathic and hopeful. It may involve activities that are physically, intellectually or sensorially nourishing, such as taking a walk, reading a favorite book or sharing a special meal. It can also involve daily practices that are spiritually uplifting and inspiring, such as meditation. When you can perform this type of caring for yourself  whatever your chosen activities may be  then you have learned to self-soothe.

You probably have you own list of self-soothing strategies. Some may be healthier than others. You will need to evaluate how you soothe yourself, so you can retain the healthy practices and try to eliminate or control the less healthy ones. Then you will need to add some new strategies that can provide extra comfort during your most emotionally challenging times in recovery.

The Ways I Soothe Myself Today (e.g., drugs/alcohol, eating, working, dissociating, shopping)






New Ways I Might Soothe Myself (e.g., exercise, meditation, journaling, warm bath, reaching out to others)

Here's a first look at personal soothing. As of today, I am endeavouring to honestly recognize all soothing behaviour s and examine them for how healthy they are. I won't change all or most of them right away. I will focus on one at a time and not rush before I feel ready to make a change. I may fall back into old habits sometimes but it's ok to make mistakes.


The Ways I Soothe Myself Today (e.g., drugs/alcohol, eating, working, dissociating, shopping)

Dissociating
Eating unhealthy food
Skin-picking and running fingers through hair
Manicuring
Video games
Sleeping
Masturbation
Journaling
Walking
Yoga
Self-care






New Ways I Might Soothe Myself (e.g., exercise, meditation, journaling, warm bath, reaching out to others)

Cleaning
Meditating
More excercise
Healthy food
Put on music
Draw/colour
Deep breathe
Just go outside
Read
Call/text someone
Grounding excercise

Yesterday my T suggested a free app to try out, it's called What's Up (there are several with that name, the correct one has a pic of a hand on a red background). It does look like it could help me remember what healthy thing to do to cope. Thought I'd mention it.

Thanks, Three Roses!

I've been meaning to do sort of a status check for a while. It's coming up to thanksgiving weekend in Canada, which has been triggering for me for a long time. I feel like I need to say that I am basically ok, I think.

I am functioning when I have to, and just not, most of the rest of the time. I have had occaisional suicidal thoughts in the past 6 months, like maybe 3, but I recognized them as just thoughts, so for some reason I think that's not that bad. I think I am teetering on the edge of minimizing my pain, but I look at what some members are dealing with in the present, and I think that perhaps it is selfish of me to feel and act as I do, sometimes.

I have a therapist, and access to help. I have friends who love me. I am thankful for them.

I'm in a period of "self-rennovation", I guess you could call it. Pulling down the insides, shoring up the framing, and improving with each issue faced. It's so hard, but yes, I am thankful for it. And that makes this one of the first thanksgivings I have felt truly grateful for in a while.

For the last decade I have avoided most major holidays with my family. There has not been abuse from them in the last 20 years. But as a child, there sometimes was, maybe up until I was 13. Mostly it was the way I was made to feel "other" by my M and SF, and later "ungrateful" by my SM in addition to M and SF.

I was not to express my opinions unless they were about the food, which meant nodding along to politics that are damaging to society, chuckling at racist jokes, gay jokes, and later just engaging in complaining about anything and everything. I would try to counter the toxic attitudes, only to be called the above descriptors. Which would be the mildest transgression to someone who was raised to have healthy boundaries and self-confidence. But I eventually stopped countering, and instead as I became an adult, stopped visiting as much. Then stopped calling as much.

Now my M wants to be a bigger part of my life. I am taking it extremely slowly. Every text fills me with a mix of anxiety and fear. I know she doesn't control me anymore. She hasn't been mean in so long, either, but I am so scarred from my childhood, and her complete denial of it, that I don't think I can ever trust her again or ever talk to her about it. And the stuff I'm dealing with in therapy... The worst of it is also in the past. My breakup is painful but civil. New job is starting soon and I will have something challenging and stimulating to fill my days.

Sometimes I still feel I am blowing my life out of proportion... That I blow everything out of proportion. Hello, ICr, now I see you. You are not welcome in my head. I have healing to do, starting with thinking about the unique chance I will have to spend the holiday with friends and their families. My life is on a different track than theirs, yet I am one of them and will join them at the table and share "normal" celebration with them.

Haha, hopefully it won't be dysfunctional. Is a holiday ever not!?

Anyway, I am so grateful for this forum. It gives me courage and lifts me up when I struggle. I never thought I would encounter people with the same sensitivities and experiences of the world, but here you are. Thank you for being present here.

I spent the day looking for apartments. Wow, the pickings are slim where I live. But I am making an effort, beat my walk goal x2, and spent a beautiful fall day outside.

Am house-sitting again, so have my own space for a couple weeks. My friend left me most of a bottle of red wine. I had that with some slices of cheese and made an evening of it. Doesn't take much for me to feel it. I don't drink regularly.

Under the random blessing of a wine buzz, tonight I recognized that I have a tendency to depersonalize regarding many aspects of my life. I am so passionate and yet for the things that affect me the most, I am unable to be truly open. I also see now that I dissociate a lot easier than I thought... Pretty much as soon as frustration, annoyance, or injury pop up. I hope these new awarenesses will allow me to progress in time.

I also said goodbye to my ex-lover tonight. (just in my head.) I deleted all our texts and had a final look at his photos and deleted them, too. He is a beautiful person in so many ways, but so toxic for me at this point in my life, and maybe always. I wish him well, just like last time. Goodbye, shining soul.

In my future, no more regular drug users, including pot and smoking, and no more boozers (regularly or binging). I feel good about realizing that this is what I need for healthy interactions with others. Those three vices are just too triggering for me. I've nothing against occaisional use of anything, but substances to cope or function just dull the ability to fully experience life. I want a partner who's all in, not checked out.

Ironic that I say this after drinking, of course. C'est la vie.

Whew, I made it through the first day. My commute is long... Just have to deal with that. For at least two months it will be fairly bad... Waiting about a half hour just for a bus to show up, having it be packed... Being overheated and sweaty from work...sigh. But actually worth it for this job, I think. I had fun. It will always be a challenge but at least half of every day will be tasks I enjoy.

After I finally got back from work I met exbf for dinner... Unintentionally, but it took so long to get home, and I had a complication with bus fare so I ended up at our place so I could check my bank balance online easily and upgrade my bus pass.  :blahblahblah:

I was so tired that he told me what he was cooking twice and I forgot twice.

After dinner, I spent about 20min relaxing, then came to the house-sitting place. I have survivor's group tomorrow so I had to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for the day. I will get back late so I made breakfast and lunch for the next day, too. Then I had to iron my work shirts...took so long I only got through two. Then 30 min of yoga and now I'm here in bed and it's past my bed time already. I didn't even get to shower. Where did my day go?? Will have to shower in the morning and rush out the door. Hence packing breakfast. Today was rushed and I don't know if I'm ready to commit to waking  up before 5am. It's already still dark when I get to work. Unless I move closer, life will be a blur with this job. But then, I think that's adulthood, too. And I wanted to fully participate in life. This is it! Feeling decent and ready for sleep. I did the things. Tomorrow, wash, rinse, repeat.

Today is a tug of war inside. It was such a tiring day and so long.

I am feeling so much anger due to group therapy today, but also kinda overwhelmed with gratitude. I think my job could be good. The people seem like decent, genuine people. I think I like them.

I've also been tired all day but am now too agitated to sleep despite being tired. Hoping acknowledging it and journalling will help.

My stomach also hurts and I have some ibs symptoms. Physical tug of war as well as emotional.

Hoping to feel better tomorrow.

*edited to add*
Nope, the change of date is not helping. I am wide awake. This usually starts a spiral of anxiety over work the next day and how I can possibly function. Was really hoping therapy would have helped this by now. I had been sleeping better for a week before hand so hopefully that will be enough. Can still get another hour in if I can tire out. Deep breaths...

I haven't had time to write much this week, despite wanting to. New job/new life is go, go, go. Hopefully I can keep it up without burning out. Big commute plus early start means my week evenings are entirely organized around making sure that I am prepared for the next day. Iron the uniform(s), premake breakfast, shower with time to dry hair, make dinner and lunch if I'm not going to buy it, in bed by 8pm ideally. I know I sound like a whiner. I don't even have kids. My ICr won't let me forget.  It's just embarrassing and hard that I have never been able to sustain adult life organization for long. A least now I understand why.

Anyway, I am dedicated to it for this job, and will get used to it. This is what I've wanted for years. I am so fortunate that my dedication over the past few years has led to me getting the job I thought I wanted at the start of this journey. Whatever happens, I am living my dream right now, albeit a very messy version of it.  But it's still a remarkable milestone in my life and I couldn't have gotten here without the commitments I kept to myself. I am really enjoying my work and there's potential for this to continue for several years at least.

I had a painful EF last night. These are some of the things that may have contributed to it: the stress of the week finally finding an end combined with pain in my lower body, me having the tv on in the background and every show was violent, me still reading materials for work and thinking about my weakest skills, feeling lonely in general, being overtired, being overwhelmed by housework I need to catch up on, and worrying about how I can possibly find an affordable place to live on my own, and thinking about what I need to write about for Survivors Group. On top of everything, I frank two pints of beer in celebration on my first weekb but maybe it just lowered my guards on thw feelings instead of leaving me happy. I ended up feeling overwhelmed by guilt for past actions and wanting to talk to exes. My ICr got going and I tried to quiet or discredit it by giving ot Jon Lovitz's voice. I still feel like I don't control it though, like it is separate from me. So I cried and went to bed.

Today I feel better, so that is good. I got enough sleep. I did have a terrible nightmare, though. Something about tiny worms. I woke myself up by crying out in my sleep. I looked it up and the interpretation is:

"Worm

To see a worm in your dream represents weakness, degradation, filth and general negativity. You have a very low opinion of yourself or of someone in your life. The dream may also relate to self-esteem issues or a skewed self image. Alternatively, dreaming of a worm may be a metaphor for someone who is untrustworthy or slick.

To dream that the worm is crawling on your body indicates that you feel someone around you is taking advantage of you and feeding off your kind heartedness.

I am supposed to write a letter to either a sexual abuser, or a caregiver that was neglectful at the time. I find myself afraid to do it.

I have a couple days for me to focus on self care and get set for next week. I will see friends today for a bit. This weekend will be mostly insular but nice.

Just did yoga. Wow, it was very painful, and I fell back to basically beginner level. But I feel much better. So I guess this week was a big somatic buildup combined with hard use of my body tightening everything up. Will have to find time during the evenings this week to keep things from getting so bad again.

Am in bed now, absolutely spent. I came home, microwaved leftovers, did errands that could be done online, and that's it. Long-term me wants me to do yoga. Gentle-on-myself me wants to go to bed now. My compromise will be to go to sleep by 8 and do yoga before showering tomorrow. So up at 4am. I can manage it but with group after work it will be a long day and work/group will be all that happen.

The job is on concrete all day and it's very hard on my legs. I bought some "orthotic" insoles but they didn't really help. My two little toes on each foot went numb. So back to living with aches til I find something better. My knees are particularly tender when I take the stairs, and prior to the job they had been a lot better. So two things needed: more muscle development (physio) for my knees, and probably weight loss. I bet even 10 pounds would help. Will eat salad for lunch for a few weeks and see if that helps. Otherwise, the job is really enjoyable so far and the days fly by. Been looking my whole work life for something like this and it's early to declare victory, but so far the fit is good.

Got a link to an interesting article about the link between bpd and trauma. Gonna read it and if it's good will post it.

Been procrastinating on my letter for group tomorrow. This is the really tough work. I have been so committed up til now about facing everything. This one is complicated. Will write something in the break btwn work and group. Just not ready to go there until I absolutely have to.

Had an interesting dream last night that I was wandering/slightly lost in my neighborhood. It was late September but the cherry blossoms were falling. Magnolias in bloom, too. Lovely. I was also in a cute deli ordering a pastrami sandwich, haha. They had local cheese for sale to one side. Odd dream... Maybe I was hungry? I think the trees might actually be telling me something, though.

Ok, to bed now. Beautiful sleep.

Look into compression socks for your legs. You'll be amazed how much it helps.

Just got off work a half hour ago. Sitting in a café now. I am exhausted, but moreso, I just wanted to rest my feet for a bit. Been on them all day. Up ladders and down, walking stairs many times and standing a lot on concrete. My legs are cooked by the end of the day, like two overdone hams. Gonna get some energy to find new insoles soon, before I go home. All I want to do is go home and lay down and I don't even have energy to finish my commute.

Have had pretty strong emotional flashbacks the past couple days. Even had a real flashback during yoga last night. I would say I caught my ICr 5 times or so over the past couple days. It's been hard to discredit it, but I did realize it was the ICr, so that in itself is an improvement over how I used to react to situations at work.

Ok, think I may have it in me to move again.

Edited to add... After an hour or so looking in a mall, finally managed to find compression socks. Men's only. I'll deal. Found insoles, too. Heading home at last.

Group yesterday ended up being cancelled, but because of my early shift I didn't see the email. Found out when my T called 20 min before the start time.  This means we'll make up a date at some point.

Ok, heading home to ideally veg but realistically do yoga and make food and do laundry.

I guess I am in a setback at the moment. Probably an EF, too. I am in bed and was thinking about crawling into bed an hour earlier than usual.

The world breaks my heart. So much injustice. Everything is triggering me today. It doesn't help that we started the day with a fire drill. That set my nerves off and then any loud sounds all day made me jump. Then bad attitudes, bad news, feeling a bit sick and a bad commute did me in. I was riding waves of panic today. None dod me in, but still hard to bear while pretending on the outside that Everything was fine.

I had a major skin picking attack tonight. Hadn't done it in a couple weeks but tonight my ICr got the better of me.

I think I am a control freak. All my relationships seem to be balanced along lines of power. I feel at times like this that I have nothing to offer and no way to achieve my goals. No power in my life creates an obsession in me to try and control my surroundings, which I can't. So then I try to control my relationships, which I also can't, so I end up self-isolating. What man worth his salt would bother with someone so complicated as me, who is terrified to be vulnerable?

I want so badly to be truly seen; truly and unconditionally loved. I fear I will never really have it with another person and am afraid I may not learn to truly see myself and unconditionally love myself. I hope just acknowledging this is a step in that direction, though.

So tonight is extreme self care. Sadness is allowed. Feeling despair and early bedtime - totally allowed. Tears have happened.

Good things today (there were a few) include my legs and feet feeling better with the combo of insoles and compression socks. Only the usual knee sore in the usual spot.  It's my last night with the cat. Furry cuddles with a purr monster have been nice.


Tomorrow is another day. Likely a better one. Today is a wash, so I'm glad I'm calling it.

Today was a better day overall but I still felt emotionally under the weather. I slept a lot. Had 2 naps with the cat curled up right beside me. It was sweet and nice. I guess he wanted closeness with someone else, too.

Did yoga - ab day - oof. Cleaned up my friend's place and packed up. Am back at my place with exbf now. Trying to stick close to my early mornings, so going to bed now whole he stays up. We are now on almost totally opposite schedules.

Gut has been pretty upset today. Yoga's supposed to help with that. Ab day might help extra if I'm lucky. Have had some work thoughts pop into my head, so the gut might be related to that, or to the shift back to living with exbf. Either way, can't change anything now, so might as well get some rest.

Now that I'm in my third week at work, I'm starting to trust my coworkers more. I had a really fun day at work today... Not stressful. I know that won't always be the case, so today felt almost like a break and I really enjoyed it. And it lasted the whole work day, until after my shift when I had time to (automatically) replay my day in my head.

After everything in my life, you'd think I'd be more of a closed book. But after coworkers wanted to start getting to know me, I've had to think carefully about what I say and how I say it. I was laid off in Jan, went travelling in April and May, and looked for work after that. I don't want to tell people about the months before that I spent too depressed to function, nor about the months of intense therapy after that. Or anything else, really. And I don't want to lie. But people ask. So I have been saying in general that I was travelling. To the homeland for a few weeks to see family, and to (foreign country) that I really did go to. The problem here is the timeline. With my memory so bad, I can't remember and think I may have said two different things to different people regarding my int'l trip. I hope that the two people never realise I told them different things. It's a white lie, I tell myself, a difference of a gew weeks in my life to a couple months...but it could damage my credibility. Or maybe that's just my ICr talking. And speaking of that guy...

I did end up telling a few coworkers about my living situation and my relationship having ended. My ICr has been all over me now...maybe I shouldn't have said anything, maybe I am really a mean, selfish person, or maybe a chaos addict, maybe I should try to get back together with exbf because we have so much history, maybe I shouldn't live alone, maybe I won't be able to find a place. Lay off me, ICr. I was having a good day until you showed up. And I guess it's your buddy OCr making me think that something could go wrong with my coworkers, or that they would even want to be discussing my life. Both of you have no basis in reality. Both of you are not me.

Fiscally speaking, when I do live alone my rent will double, and be about half my monthly pay. So I won't be able to put much money aside. I should probably try to find a roommate to ease that cost. But then again, how much is peace of mind and my own truly private space worth, especially now when recovery, work, and quiet time are my priorities?

With regards to exbf... I came home to him playing videogames, high, like  he frequently does. He gets high every day, pretty much. He then either plays video games or works on his music. I was supportive of that for a long time... Then I felt neglected because he'd rather do those things in our time together than talk to me. Then I stopped caring about wanting to spend time with him, and started zoning out even more in life to cope with the loneliness. That's really sad.

I feel scattered and anxious tonight. I believe I am in an EF currently. Recognizing it is good, but I'd like to catch it right at thr beginning, before my thoughts start spinning and spiralling in my head. Need to get Pete Walker's book but want to finish The Body Keeps The Score and I haven't yet.

TRIGGERS for family violence and child sexual abuse in this post.



Yesterday was a stumble. Today feels better overall.

I had Group tonight. We drew pictures of an event that hurt us as children. It could be anything. I ended up drawing a very similar shape to the woman next to me. Quite the coincidence. My image was of me as a child, crouched down, covering my ears, outside of my home. I drew a happy-face sun over my cowering body in a moment of dark mirth.

A plate was shattering against the wall inside, exploding in violence, thrown by my M. Black pieces were falling into a pile on the floor. The explosion was huge and dominated the drawing. It started inside but reached outside as well.

I didn't know what to draw at first. Then suddenly that memory came to me. I guess I would have been 5 or 6 at this time. Theoretically we were supposed to be relating it to CSA. I realized after talking it through that there was a connection, but it was not as clear as other drawings. I realized that I have been afraid of everything inside since childhood, both inside my home and inside myself. The secrets are inside me. The violence was in my home. Because of the violence I had no trust or real connection to my M, and so it never even occurred to me to tell her what the babysitter had done. To my child's mind, my molester was more safe and trustworthy than my own mother.

We also set commitments tonight. I committed to trust myself and my decisions. Some were or will be mistakes, but I am doing the best I can at each stage in my journey.

I had been doubting whether I should have ended my relationship, but today I was reminded that I did do the right thing for me. What I need to feel safe and loved, exbf couldn't and wouldn't provide.

 :hug:

And another   :hug:

Thank you both for the hugs.

Am sleeping so much on the weekends now between nigjt and naps. Like 12 hours a day if I can. Not ideal but not sure I want to do anything to change it, either. For some reason my period, which is almost always absurdly late and irregular, has come back after only 3 weeks this month. I'm 36. Too soon for perimenopause, I hope. Explains my moods and other symptoms this week, though. Everything in my body is out of normal sync. Is this just because of the effects of childhood trauma, or is there something else? Years of problems and tests haven't revealed it yet.

Felt angry at exbf a lot this week, alternating with...sympathy? Not sure what it was. I'm going for lunch with our friends today but offered for him to go instead of me. He declined and I worry about his isolation.

On fb I saw the friend who is a veteran bought his wife flowers for no reason. I always wanted that kind of thoughtfullness. It's so obnoxious to see it on tv or in the movies and have guys tell you it's not real, then to see pictorial evidence that, yeah, guys CAN be thoughtful and sweet. Or at least, some are capable of it.

All I want is to be with someone who truly sees me and values me, and I see him and value him, and we work together towards our goals. I hope that's not too much to ask. I mean, it's not! But you'd think it was with the static I get. I don't think exbf will ever get it - he didn't in 9 years of me trying to make him see. My mistake with him was seeing what I wanted to see. He was kind, thoughtful, and considerate early on and I thought that's who he was, not that he was putting on a show. Once I left my homeland, the show ended pretty quick, and I was stuck.

But even with all that, I wouldn't be where I am now without him, for better or worse. So I am trying to remember gratitude today.

The living situation is tough. I want out so bad. Sounds like he'll be going back to work soon which is good. I have this cheque entirely swallowed by rent and debt again, but next one will be enough for a deposit, if I can just find a place. So few vacancies. Apparently looking for immediate move-ins is the way to do it. So may have to pay double rent. So be it. I will have to do what I have to do.

I think about how many women are kept in bad relationships by low vacancies/high rents and it makes me sad. Glad I have a job and will be out soon, though.

Ugh my god I just cut off one of my guimea pig's claws while trimming her. I always leave them too late because she hates it. She's old - over 6 years. One claw grew very curly a couple years ago and has been hard to cut since. And she twitched while I was cutting and I cut off the base of her toe. Exbf helped me hold her while I cleaned her and bandaged her up above her knee/elbow. He'll take her to the vet tomorrow if she seems to need it.

I feel like puking. I cried. I took a clonazepam. How could I ever handle having kids if this sends me off the deep end? I guess sometimes you just make awful mistakes and have to deal.

Edited to add - I am still crying over this. It sent me into a huge EF and guilt trip. I've caused such pain to an innocent creature and it's so hard to forgive myself.

Exbf was being nice about it and gave me a hug and let me cry about it. I wonder if he felt guilty at all. He has never once groomed any of our pets in the six years we've had them. Maybe a bath, but nothing that risked injury to them like clipping claws. Just another way I did the emotional heavy lifting. And now, once in 6 years, I screwed up, and it's resulted in a bad injury. I feel just awful.

It is compounded awfulness because tonight my IC can't bear any of the pain I've caused anyone else. I felt such a strong need to have exbf comfort me. Truthfully, he doesn't even know how. Doesn't know the value of saying it'll be ok, even when it won't. Doesn't know how to soothe. I learned this in the throes of traumatic shock and grief after my F died.

And the guilt of injuring my poor old guinea pig is morphing into the guilt of cheating on exbf when I was so alone. I wanted to tell him tonight. But why? To lift the guilt? It would only wound him deeply. Another living soul I have hurt, and he doesn't even know. I feel like a terrible person. I know I'm not, but I did do a series of terrible things, so the difference is pretty academic if I look at it through his eyes.

I didn't tell because I have no home of my own yet. Because I still want to live alone and grieve everything I thought love was. Because I have no energy to try and explain the unjustifiable when I will get up for work so early. And so I am alone again in bed, crying and trying to comfort my inner child and hoping that will be enough to comfort me.

Staying present with the feelings is so hard when they hurt so much.

Today was a better day. The guinea pig seems to be doing ok. I felt 8 layers of awful when it happened.

I snuggled with my plushie last night and tried to comfort my inner child. I tossed and turned a lot but fell asleep eventually.

I was busy at work and in a better mood today. It's halloween. 12 of us dressed as my boss today. It was pretty funny. 🎃

Tonight is a good night for self care, reading, and quiet relaxation.

This post will be a pastiche of thoughts and writings over the course of the last week.

I am stuck currently. The quality of my self-care has dropped lately. I can't handle reading othets' posts much and have no energy to reply. I had to focus hard just to post here tonight. Maybe I am in one of those Everest camps, possibly back down in the first base camp. I have energy enough for work and basic chores and that's it. Not much self-reflection lately.

Been thinking about bpd again lately. It troubles me. Am I bpd? I have been reading. I could be. And the reading I did indicated that bpd is a specific manifestation of cptsd, particularly feom child sexual or developmental trauma. Ugh. Things seem so grim for bpd people. They are the lepers of the psychiatric community.

In group last week we made a life timeline. Mine has some holes. I want to keep adding to it. It has shown me some patterns, such as dumbing myself down over the years (which I am now working to reverse).

Anger to grief (a Survivors Group assignment)

I haven't had a chance to fully mourn my lost innocence
My childhood without fear
My ability to sleep a full night
My lost time and potential
My energy
My trust
My focus and ability to earn
My confidence
My self worth
My ability to have a healthy romantic partnership
My ideal body
My delight in physicality
My comfort with touch
My easiest laughter
My ease in processing emotions
My safety in the world.

I am working on it.

This post is now going into deeper territory. Stuff I haven't told anyone at all.

Sometimes not getting my way feels like abandonment. I guess I never thought about it objectively before. In these situations there is such a heartwrenching tangle of emotions that I have never previously been able to act "rationally". I am barely able to articulate what I am feeling in times like that.

In one instance I was to go on a trip with a boyfriend. It was cancelled for some reason at the last minute. This triggered what I now understand was a multi-layered EF. It was the dissapointment of plans falling through, flashbacks to two different boyfriends, one lying about wanting to take a trip with me, and one backing out of a trip I planned for us in gret detail. Both were incredibly disillusioning. And digging deeper, there was also the pain of being forced to change schools in grade 9, losing my friends, making new friends, and getting the chance to go on a class trip with them, (my M promised) only to be told that we didn't have the money when the time came, so I had to stay behind. So 4 layers of pain in one event. I did not take it well. I cried, and probably seemed way over the top about it. Only now do I understand why.

I think I keep missing things I mean to express in my writing. This is all I can remember and get down for now.

So for Survivors Group I am supposed to write for a half hour about my CSA. The axtual details - not glossing it over. I don't know if I can. It will be last-minute if I do. But it's still upsetting to think about. Going into detail seems worse.

Stuck in an election feedback loop. Can't think, can't relax. Can't handle watching it on tv, can't pull myself off facebook. It's the train wreck that confirms my suspicions about humanity.

Have been feeling so down on myself the past couple days. I did look for apartments. But I am in debt, and exbf is not working with no income currently. I'm not even sure who is taking advantage of who. This is toxic codependency at it's finest. I should maybe just go deeper in debt so I can leave, but then I fear I won't be able to dig my way out. My wage minus deductions is about the same as my benefits were. It's tight, and even more so because I have been covering more expenses out of guilt. FML. I hope tomorrow finds me feeling a bit better. So close to being free... This is why it's so hard, I guess. The closer I am and the more I need it, the more it seems just out of reach. Just one more step..now one more...this one for sure...ok, now the next...and so on. One day at a time. I can do this. I can.

Have been noticing more confusion and distraction lately. I said something today that I was sure was right at the time, and a coworker fact checked me and agreed. Now I think we both misread the data. It's not a huge deal but it's embarrassing because I was so emphatic at the time. Now I wish I had just said nothing because I wouldn't be second-guessing myself if I had. Can straighten it out tomorrow, and hopefully no damage beyond embarrassment comes of it. My ICr is having a field day with this. And my goal was to trust myself more!  :doh: :stars:

The only people who never fail are those that never try anything. We all make mistakes, tell your ICr to buzz off!  ;)

We're allowed to not be perfect and still see and feel the worth we possess.  :hug:

MFTB,

One thing I've found is that my co-workers are often surprised when I make such a big deal about correcting my error.

I see from their reactions that what they expected was, 'You saw that, too, right? Ok, I didn't imagine it. Next time, let's check a better website for verification.' And we laugh together and it's over.

If you feel the need to say anything at all, just keep it simple and light.

That inner critic is WRONG trying to make this molehill into a mountain. It's a blip on a radar screen, fading immediately and gone in a short time. It's not a permanent marker blotch on your face, no matter WHAT inner critic tries to tell you. Oh, and I'm currently telling MY inner critic that even if it IS a marker blotch, those DO wash off and nobody else is as aware of it as I am, so neener, neener, neener.

And a BIG COMFORTABLE HUG to you for the worry ICr has tried to stir up in you.

Think you mean mftb, wife#2. ;)

Quote from: Three Roses on November 10, 2016, 05:01:21 PM
Think you mean mftb, wife#2. ;)

Telling my ICr to hush up! And removing foot from mouth. And editing my post because you are absolutely correct! ::: Blush :::  :doh:

See, I can be embarrassingly WRONG and still be ok. You can be, too, MFTB!

Aww, thank you both. You are loving cheerleaders.  :cheer:  :hug:   :hug:

I had another "weekend catch-up" - 11 hours of fitful sleep. I had some nightmares of zombies and being lost in some kind of cave/tunnel network, then later I dreamed about work and angry customers and missing products. It was an active subconscious night.

Am going to spend some time on my own looking for a place today. I walked my whole neighborhood a few days ago and there are a few vacancies. They are out of my price range but I might be willing to pay more for the right place and my own space.

I guess I'm back. Wasn't sure I would be and don't know to what extent I will be in the future. I've read some posts but don't want to comment. Don't want my expression to again be ruled less important than another member's privately expressed concern. That hurt me a lot and I am not fully over it but I recognize that I need to continue my recovery work in spite of it.

I live alone now, in a different city. A few blocks from a couple friends, luckily. I commute to work. Sometimes it's fine, but where I live there is inadequate snow removal so I couldn't get to work one day and I spent hours stuck in traffic, another. The price I pay for freedom. I love my new home but don't get as much time there. I am truly single and mostly that is a very good thing. My ex still gets high every day. I hope he finds happiness. I hope I do, too.

The grieving has begun in earnest. I am very lonely. It hurts to acknowledge that. I feel so other, so unseen, so alone everywhere I go. I think this is a setback with simultaneous progress. So much change amplifies my pain.

I felt that nobody cared that I was gone. It's probably not true but ultimately, here we are but electron ships passing in the night. Out there is where I have to live. I still have nightmares. Still sleeping either not enough or too much. Haven't done yoga in a month. Self-care has been inconsistent and the holidays don't help.

The tone of this post is depressing. I'm hoping that by letting it out I can release some of the weight I am carrying. I'm sick and down now but know these are both temporary states. I made it to the new year, got out on my own, and am working to get to equilibrium. Tired myself out writing this so time to nap.

Your insights (positive and negative) were sorely missed. I'd check every so often, relieved to find you hadn't wandered on for good, as I'd miss what you have to say, and the creative way in which you do so. Mainly, the intense honesty with which you reflect on this.

So I hope you'll find a comfortable fit, despite the nature of the site topics dealing with so much that's stressful. I look forward to future contributions, as you feel moved to do so. As you say, writing is sometimes a good way to 'let it out' but beyond that, sharing with others on the journey is therapeutic in its own way.

Quote from: movementforthebetter on December 31, 2016, 09:12:47 PM
I felt that nobody cared that I was gone.

I did. I've found myself wondering about you many times. Glad you are back! Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time right now.

May I say, I'm glad you're back? :)

MFTB! I am glad you have returned to your journal. I will echo the others - you were missed! I do understand that sometimes, a break from here is needed. Thank you for taking some time to rejoin us! We've all been thinking of you and hoping you are managing. Thank you for trusting us with the fact that all is not well. We will be here for you as much as we possibly can.

I cared you were gone.  I missed you, and I've looked out for you since.  I'm so glad you are back!

In a big rush today.  Looking forward to talking more

Thank you for the support, everyone. I think it's going to be very good for me to be back, and I've been wondering how everyone here is doing, too.

I'm currently suffering a flu/insomnia double-whammy, but it's not the sickest I've ever been, and I have my own space to be sick in, so it's mostly ok. Lots of old movies and books filling my time lately... All light entertainment for the most part. I'm not willing to tackle anything too heavy while sick... That's how ruminating gets started for me, then feeling sorry for myself, etc. I have a related topic ro start re: feelings surrounding illness so will expand over there.

I saw a Dr. today. It seems unlikely I have the flu now. He said I do have a sinus infection and prescribed antibiotics. I find that interesting as I hadn't had any sinus pain. I have had a runny nose for months, however, and had chalked it up to allergies. I also had other complaints that I thought were TMJ related. I can hear my pulse in my right ear much of the time, a woosh-woosh-woosh depending on how my head's tilted or jaw positioned. My right side of my jaw does seem more "bulky" than the left, and has since my dental work in the summer. Lately, I've also noticed I flush after eating. I thought it meant I was eatingtoo much sodium or something. The Dr. said since the E-N-T are all connected, it makes sense it could impact my hearing. The flushing makes sense for infection, too. Am really looking forward to these things resolving, as I had figured they were all unfortunate consequences of getting older!

It's pretty amazing how many conditions I've had in my life that have been outright dismissed by Drs, mishandled, or that I was told were in my head by either my M or SF. It happened enough over my life that now my automatic assumption is that if I have a health issue, it must be because I am defective somehow and that's just how it is. Not that I deserve care to fix the problems. I must actively fight agains that.

An example of how life-consuming depression and low self esteem are in the wake of my childhood abuse, and complicate health matters. I had to pep talk myself for 5 minutes tonight just to brush my teeth. I didn't want to. It seemed hopeless and pointless. My teeth are terrible, etc. If I had self worth, it would be automatic and less difficult. It occurred to me that perhaps self esteem will be the result of going through with as many pep talks as I need, as many time as I need one. And even if it takes me longer, it's still worth it and I am worth any amount of time it takes me. I want to aply that attitude over more areas in my life. I have been, bit by bit. Hopefully I can become consistent. I can hardly imagine that now, but anything's possible.

I may not have had the flu. I do have a bad sinus infection that was causing pain and hearing issues in my right ear. Am on antibiotics now, hope to be better soon. Could feel the pressure in my head deflating today, and my face burning hot. Weird sensations.

Soon I will get up and clean my apartment, and maybe even do yoga. That is what the me I am capable of being does! But first I want to explore some feeeeeelings.

As I left work tonight I felt anxious. This is regarding my workload mainly - next week will be a very busy one, but it will ultimately be fine, I know. I am still learning, and I think I might be judging my capabilities more harshly than my coworkers. I think these things despite getting several compliments on some work I did quite intuitively today. My inner critic always looks for any chance to chime in so I had to dig harder to see if there was more underneath.

I found I felt anxious for another reason, too. I was anxious about going home and maybe spending the entire weekend alone. Like from Friday to Monday, I might not talk to anyone. That realization stunned me. My coworkers have become my main source of socialization. Being home, still sick, alone and without them to laugh with scares me a bit, especially since I just spent the better part of a week sick. I did my best to meditate on the bus but I know I was making a scrunchy frown with my eyes closed, feeling over irritated by the crowd.

My thoughts turned to companionship; how I was still alone in my relationship.  How I would rather be alone than alone in love. What that really means is that I don't know that I am cared for most of the time. Is that selfish? The past few weeks have been hard. I do still love my ex so much. It hurts so much to admit, especially coming from my new perspective and knowing that our life together wasn't good for me. I have been trying to acknowledge that love as I feel it but also to release it. Most of the things my ex provided, I am capable of providing to myself. I need more patience for myself, though. Love is ongoing, and time moves slowly when there's only music to soothe my pain. I've discovered I can't even listen to most of my music since I left - everything reminds me of us. I had a horrible sobbing night a few days before christmas, and again before New Year's.

I'm really feeling like I need companionship. If I hold myself or stroke my own hair, or rub my own shoulders, I still know it's me, it still feels like my own hand, it doesn't feel as good as another's. Those things matter, even if I am trying to redefine myself without them. I am still a human, still social, still needing and deserving comfort. But not from just anyone - that's always the rub. And I'd rather bear this pain than be with someone I don't trust. Honestly, I'm not sure I will ever truly trust. I feel like I need someone to teach me what love can be. That stradles the line between corny and poetry, but there it is.

Ugh, I cried writing this. I am so lonely. And so not on top of my life, so it's no good pining away when I'm not even offering anything besides my hot mess self. It's just that deep in one side of my heart, I think my hot mess self is awesome, and deserves love. I guess the best I can do is love the hot mess by making it less of a mess. So, Friday date night with myself is set. Cleaning and yoga it is.

I am feeling the slightest bit more collected today. I cleaned last night and again this morning.

I went to see my ex today. He had some storage cubes I need for shelving as I'm too broke to buy any more furniture right now. We used them to hold our guinea pig's cage. She died a few days before christmas. It seemed unrelated to her toe, which had healed over. She went suddenly and at an old age so I guess that's the best way she could have gone. Dealing with that was awful but I don't know if I will journal about it.

My ex and I talked and had a light lunch, then he asked if I wanted to see a movie. Sure, why not, we're both trying to pass some lonely time and a movie is relatively benign. We saw Arrival. It was a good show. All about communication - how ironic. After, he offered to make dinner if I'd join him. I said ok. I was terrified that there was an alterior motive in all this generosity and I almost burst into tears in the car park. But there wasn't. He is lonely too. We were together almost every day for nearly a decade. He just wanted to feel normal, I think.

We talked a bit after dinner. I don't remember how we got on the topic but we started talking about why we ended and if anything could have been different. And the floodgates opened. I cried and cried and told him most of the things I've written here with the exception of cheating. I can't bear to tell him that. We talked about a relationship channel he's been watching and how he learned about codependency - it surprised me but I'm grateful he came to that realization on his own. We both seem to agree that what happened is probably for the best in the long run, although it's so painful right now.

I'm mentally drained but I think it was positive that we had this talk today. I hope I didn't hurt him more than I already had. I hope we each can move forward feeling a bit better about things.

Today has been better. I made myself do yoga for the first time in a month. Despite knowing I would feel better, I was afraid to do it for some reason. But I've broken that mental barrier now. I also walked around my new city for an hour and a half. It felt good to be outside again, not just commuting.

Food wise I recognized myself mindlessly eating chocolate and stopped myself before it became a full-on binge. I made a sandwich and ate that and felt better after.

Looking forward to work tomorrow. Lots to do and I'm ready to get busy. But it might snow again tonight... If it does I might not be able to actually get to work. We shall see.

A thought that's been floating in and out of my mind for a couple days. Maybe self-evident to some, but wasn't to me.

If there's any physical aspect of myself that l don't like, it can only be because of a message passed on from another person. Similarly, aspects of my character can only be measured in relation to others. In a vaccuum I would have no context in which I could dislike myself. I have spent a lot of my life thinking that it's not me, it's society that's wrong/sick/has backwards priorities. In a lot of ways, I am right. But I still have to live in this world.



I have been working on "doing it for my own satisfaction" for a while, and mostly it works. One of the challenges I am currently encountering is needing to maintain my motivation in the face of others' lack of motivation. Again, doing what I do for my own satisfaction is crucial. The other is consistency of motivation and energy. Will try to remind myself that nothing is about me personally. It helps a little.

hey, mftb,

thought i'd weigh in here.  i know it's been quite awhile.  i don't know exactly why, except i've been in and out of this place a few times, too, and i may have missed you because of it.  i'm sorry i did. 

i think you came up with a brilliant realization, especially about the idea that if we lived in a vacuum, we'd have no context for negativity against ourselves.  i always think of us as babies - we love ourselves unconditionally, don't have a neg. thought about ourselves, and make our needs known without apology.  i agree that other voices have been at work, drowning out our own instinctual love of ourselves just the way we are.

i'm glad that thought floated in to stay.  yeah, we have to live in our various societies, you're right.  it's really difficult at times to remain true and loving to ourselves.  i'm just glad you're getting back to self-care.  i have problems with sleep as well, so i can relate to that, too.  it really sucks. 

you are such a courageous, insightful, and honest person and i've missed you, missed your feedback.  doing it for your own satisfaction - i think that's a wonderful perspective.  i have to keep that in mind, too.  too often i get hung up on doing it because of expectations.   big hug.

Hi Sanmagic7, thanks so much for your comment. The last part of my day was cruddy but you've given me a lift.
:hug:


Today I witnessed something scary. I'm fine, it was just one of those things thay happen in a big city from time to time. I won't describe it here - it would be triggering and the details aren't relevant, except to say that the shock and fear of it started a shame spiral going. I realized it was happening, recognized my inner critic, but felt a bit like an observer in my own head. I heard the voice but for whatever reason I could not respond to it. I also noticed my outer critic as a separate but related entity for the first time. Hooray? In noticing it, I was able to deflect it. So one victory today.

Feeling alone and rejected. Everybody is sick or has other things to do lately. Feeling like there's some secret way to interact with people so that they will engage, but I never learned it. So I ended up alone today despite reaching out. I guess I reached out to the wrong people.

Been thinking about a girl I went to high school with lately. I did something that made her mad, and we argued over it. It basically ended our friendship. She told me she had never gone to bed angry before. Looking back now, I wonder how many times I went to bed leading up to that day feeling good that weren't rooted in denial of my life. I know we say there's no heirarchy of hurt, but it's hard to believe when remembering one incident vs. A lifetime of sadness.

Anyway, here I am thinking of her, and she's probably sleeping soundly, so yeah, some things change, but people rarley do.

o my, i've got that happening right now, too.  my best friend, with whom i'd shared everything, has been so overloaded with taking care of her mother last year, then her mom died just before thanksgiving and she's been in deep grieving, and now she's so sick she can't even speak - and i was so traumatized last year that neither of us could really give support to the other.  she's the one person who hasn't changed, but it's been a good thing.  just circumstances got in the way.

on other levels, tho, i've had two people in my life last year that hadn't changed in decades, and that turned out to be a neg. thing, but i finally got to the point that i realized what it was meaning for me and my life, and eliminated them.  actually, it feels better.  i kept thinking that the changes would come - they never did. 

i can really relate to not learning how to engage with people.  i've never been good at small talk, and i'd sit in classes, watch others be able to just start talking to each other, get along, and i was completely bamboozled as to how they did that!  yet, i had a great social life, team sports, got along great with people.  i don't know what the difference was or how it happened like that.  it was like a night and day thing.  very weird to me.

i've never heard of the hierarchy of hurt, i must admit.  how does that work?

truly sorry about the scary incident.  sucks.  i'm just glad you're ok, at least physically.  it is one of the downers of living in a big city. 

i'm glad you reached out here.  it's good to hear your voice again.    :hug:  right back atcha!

QuoteFeeling like there's some secret way to interact with people so that they will engage, but I never learned it.

That hits home for me. I told my therapist once that I felt like everyone else had a secret code or a secret handshake, or something, that allowed them to fit in easily but that I didn't know.

I've been living lean. I'm completely paycheck to paycheck since I moved out on my own. I eat oatmeal every day for breakfast as that's all I can afford. I like oatmeal though, so that's ok. I have just enough food and bus fare to make it to payday. Then I will try to make a dent in my debts. I can't seem to get my head above water though. I'm trying to be comfortable with that. I just got benefits so this burden may ease soon. It has been a hard winter, and it's snowing again, meaning getting to work is in question, and if I can't go, I can't get paid. Because I've been living so lean I've lost about 4" of fat. That's been nice - I could stand to lose another 4" easily, too. I've had to poke two new belt buckle holes and my tight pants fit nicer now.

I've been working on accepting who I am and that I will never be what society sees as acceptable. I have been trying to find ways to explore this, and have been reaching out to new people in communities I may wish to join. I have been asking questions. I plan to meet these women, which has my anxiety revved up but I think I will be ok. It's a few weeks away, anyway.

I have found unexpected allies but was also badly hurt by a judgemental hyppocrite this week. He was a new friend, and I foolishly let myself get close quickly. I had made myself vulnerable to him, told him my fears and about my cancer scare, and then was callously dismissed, as though I were worth less as a person than someone without my struggles. I was so angry. I held him to account and unloaded on him, called out his biases and ignorance, walked away angry and dissapointed. And cried and cried and cried all night and was seething angry the next day. So much so a coworker asked if I was ok and needed to talk. There's more to this story but here is not the place it will be written.

I was also in a severe mood swing at the time due to horrible pms. I had been depressed and flu-like for days before I finally lost it. I hope that all that meant was that I did not hold back my feelings where I previously would have. I hope my feelings would have been the same had I been feeling normal. That I am finally standing up for myself again. But I worry my strong reaction is only seen as evidence I am crazy. At least, that seems to be how 9 out of 10 men see these situations. If only they had a literal bloody clue. I hope other women would get where I'm coming from.

And yet, my whole life I have been made to feel that my emotions are too much, unacceptable, extreme and fake. It's so hard to not think of those past criticisms in this falling out.

That colossal failure at friend-making turned out to be good. I enforced boundaries when I was close to letting them slide. It was not graceful at all but I am trying to not care. And I think the coworker who asked about me may have potential to be a close friend, unexpectedly. Time will tell. He asked what was going on, and I told him about it - more guarded than with the first person, but still honest and more vulnerable than I have been with a coworker, especially a male one. He and I turn out to have a fair bit in common and I look forward to getting to know him better as time wears on.

That night after talking to him, I dreamt that I let all my masks fall away. I spoke openly about my struggles with anxiety, depression, cptsd and my history of abuse. I felt no shame in who I was, and if anyone had a problem with me they were free to leave. I was finally living for myself and not others. I have never had a dream that powerful and hopeful before.

What an amazing dream, MFTB, and it sounds like it is something you have been making great progress in real-ising. 
I have a big task in holding to my truth and my boundaries tomorrow, and your post has made me feel a little stronger.  What you speak of, is to me, the ultimate prize.  I've had a few experiences recently of deeply feeling that who I am is okay - separate from all the external, superficial  b*&^^it about what is prized and what is disdained, and that experience keeps me going.  I don't want to bow down at the feet of the feet of another to be granted acceptance.  That's a contradiction in terms. 
There is a solidity in genuine acceptance.  Authenticity makes real relationships possible.

I am still fending off my second-guesses and my desire to fawn back to the guy I had the falling out with. But haven't caved. I know it's better that I cut him out when I did.

Those moments of self-acceptance have been rare enough that I think I can count them on one hand. But what a dream and feeling to cherish and strive for. I can't truly let it all hang out totally - there are serious stigmas attached to some components of my identity. However, I can probably relax more now. I am in a safe place in life and can manage my risks so that I can be my true self around the people that matter.

How did it go for you, Radical? I hope you are still feeling strong.

Yeah, stigma.  All too real.  I find it hard when I feel bitter about it, but my experiences of being stigmatised have taken their toll, and I don't have the hide of a rhino. 

My day was "real-ising"  I feel solid in myself, and calm right now.  Though the reaction was validating, I was sure I would be okay if it wasn't, so it feels like an added bonus.  I think this feeling evolves over many small steps that can be almost imperceptible, the things we don't do or say, the sudden small responses that are true.  A lot of letting go, and feeling it, but knowing the inegrity is worth it.

Like you say, something to strive for.  I hope you have a good day tomorrow.  That urge to fawn can be powerful, but it is great to be aware enough to be able to make a conscious decision, rather than just blindly reacting.

I feel I want to send you a hug if that's okay with you.

Hugs always welcome!

:hug:

Today was so hard. A different kind of hard. The coworker I was getting close to missed a day of work last week right after I opened up to him, and came back the next day looking like he'd just been crying.

I tried to ask what was up but he didn't want to talk and I tried to give him space. But when I left yesterday it looked like he was crying at his desk. So today I asked him what was up at lunch, and he started crying right in the lunch room. I feel awful for not minding my own business now. I was worried about him and the worry was distracting me. I think this was selfish on my part - to put my need to know above his well-being. I couldn't have predicted this, though.

He said it's anxiety and relationship stuff and he's afraid to lose what he has and it's all stuff he needs to work on. I was worried it was related to things we had talked about, but he said it's not. I regret trying to get closer to him. I had no idea his relationship was on the rocks. I told him I am there for him if he needs anything, then left him alone. I also sent him a fb message mentioning my struggles with anxiety and panic attacks and depression and therapy so he'd know he's not alone. But yeah, I feel like I accidentally toppled a house of cards. And all of this after I was so happy to feel what I thought was deep connection and friendship with him. Ugh.

I've experienced a feeling of betrayal when I've felt a connection with someone, but then found that they needed something from me.  Not that it means that there was no connection, but it puts it in a different light, how they behaved, the feeling of seeing and being seen, it can feel like there was an ulterior motive, especially if you come to feel that you were being more up-front than they were.  I guess time will tell, but if you are feeling a bit like this, I understand.

You know you didn't cause this house of cards to fall, that he most likely spoke to you  the way he did because it was already falling.  The problem with connecting as the deck is strewn all over the place is that when it's gathered together again, very often, (in my experience), the connection can be unceremoniously dissconnected, which can cause an even greater feeling of betrayal, and can mean it is wise to keep an emotional distance, while being supportive.

It sounds like you handled a tough situation really well, and I believe your feelings are healthy, if painful.  I'm sorry you've been hurt and disappointed by this. :hug:

It seems like life is complicated because I am complicated. I'm trying to process what happened with my coworker. It's still bugging me. For what it's worth, he seemed like he was keeping it together better today. And I left him alone. Only one work-related question, and I said bye to him. I'm afraid to talk to him now.

I am attracted to him, but he's younger and in a relationship and I have the whole me thing, so I contented myself with the thought that maybe we could be friends. I now feel majorly confused but maybe that's me being willfully blind.

He added me on Facebook about a month ago . He and I talked at work a couple weeks ago and he was really open and gregarious with me - talked about his beliefs and struggles. We share political and social views. We get along well. He hinted at some personal stuff that got me curious, so last week I emailed him to ask what he meant. It turned out that he meant basically what I thought he did. We both share something in our private lifestyle that is not socially acceptable to most people and would not be cool to talk about at work. I almost certainly shouldn't have, but I crossed the coworker boundary and told him some very personal stuff, because I was so happy to have something significant in common with someone. I said I hoped I hadn't made him uncomfortable, and he said no, he'd tell me if he was uncomfortable. We chatted about it online very briefly, had some good laughs. We touched on relationships - he knows I left my ex and has been supportive, saying it's good I'm taking care of myself. I've been really open about it at work - no sense in hiding such a big life change. I complained about how hard it will be to ever meet a guy on my wavelength, and he told me he was having relationship problems but he was working on them. (one line only with no details.) He told me he really enjoyed talking with me and that we would talk again soon.

Then he missed the next day at work, and came back the day after a total wreck. Then the weekend, and still a total wreck Monday and Tuesday.

When I talked to him yesterday, I started by telling him that if I had said anything that made things weird, I truly regretted it. I felt that I had been inappropriate and was sorry, but also that now I'm really worried about him and that if he needs to talk, he can talk to me. I also mentioned our counselling benefit if he needed more. He started crying, said he is seeing a counsellor, he's on meds, he's attending a seminar (of some sort, i dunno) and that what's going on doesn't have to do with me. That he's anxious and he's afraid to lose everything and that it's all stuff he has to work on. That he's sorry but he can't reciprocate.

I don't know what to make of that. On one hand, he was clear it has nothing to do with me, but on the other he can't reciprocate? Reciprocate what? Sharing details? Friendship? Something else? Ugh!

I am having a lot of negative rumination about this. I missed some things that should have stood out to me. He uses a lot of therapy language. Whatever is going on in his life, he's taking all the responsibility so either he did something to screw up his relationship, or he is extremely down on himself, publicly. Neither of those things have anything to do with me, so this shouldn't really bother me, but they are red or yellow flags.

But then in the midst of his pain, I just had to talk to him, show my support, and he had to absolve me of wrongdoing. I can't help but think how that's so incredibly selfish of me. Why didn't I mind my own business? Because I saw a friend clearly in anguish, and I tried to help as best I could. And then I made things worse. The words "emotional incest" crossed my mind but this isn't exactly the right context for them.


I caused him pain at work and I feel really gross about it. I've been trying to honour myself and my feelings lately, to trust myself, but I did so at the expense of another. I was so eager for connection I think I caused drama. And maybe that's all I do - follow feelings into trouble.  :dramaqueen:

It sounds like harsh self-talk, but I think it's a point that bears serious consideration. For all the compassion I think I have, I'm starting to think it's not very selfless. I never leave well enough alone. I hope I didn't ruin a budding friendship by being pushy, and I hope he's ok.

And on top of this I have really opened up about who I am on a deep level and have been left hanging. I just have to trust that the fact I was able to be that vulnerable, even if misguided, is a good sign.

Today I woke up with a mixture of anger and sadness. I do feel somewhat betrayed - twice in 2 weeks I've been vulnerable and twice dismissed. I think I'm grieving a bit. I don't even know what I'm grieving.

I'm mad he brought his messy emotional state to work for everyone else to have to bear. I can't turn off my empathy and pretend suffering isn't there. I can't live with myself ignoring it. And I can't help but see how I slipped so easily into the role of emotional caregiver. How men get that from me without even asking.

I think it's triggered me back to being my M's emotional caregiver. That's heavy to deal with at work and I would l would have distanced myself sooner if I had seen where this was going. And still I'm trying to not make his pain about me, and that's where the sadness comes in. I am still so wounded that I can't give of myself without expecting to be recognized for it. And I can't seem to engage without stepping on an emotional landmine.

:lightbulb: that's why emotional incest was on my mind yesterday. And my work calls itself a family, too.

I've been trying to dissolve it with music but it's not working yet. I'm glad my coworker is away next week. I'll miss him and I don't want to look at him at the same time. And when he gets back we have a project together so will see a lot of eachother.

And still this need to be seen and connect with others. I feel mixed emotions about the whole nature of the human condition.

I need to dance this darkness out of me. It's a long weekend coming up here so I think I'll try to be brave and take myself out to a club. I don't know anyone to go with, ironically, except my coworker, who is more in that scene than me.

I saw a funny true cartoon about mental illness.
Anxiety is torturing me with perceived and feared judgements, so the mindfull part of me says "No one is thinking of you." and that's when depression chimes in "Ever." That's not what I meant, brain!

Time for work.

I'm sorry I misread the situation.  I try not to project my feelings and experiences onto others, but failed.

I relate (entirely from my own point of view and experiences) to being confused about sharing and connecting, with having difficulty with both over-sharing and under-sharing, feeling unable to gauge, time, monitor and discern.  But I feel that a part, (it may be a small part of the problem), is that because I've had these problems, I've spent a lot of time talking in therapy talking and thinking and reading about feelings, experiences, things most people hold behind a closed door in themselves, which often seems to make me more open about things most people aren't open about, yet I'm reserved, and unsure about everyday things.  And people open up to me and find me receptive.  I'm so grateful to find someone who seems to be open, but find they are more 'ajar' than open, and I've gone and shared way too much of myself and left myself too vulnerable.  Speaking entirely about myself here, but you may be able to relate to some of it.

I also think that this struggle is tough and we are often way too hard on ourselves.  I can't see any way of changing that doesn't involve making mistakes, feeling confused, hitting those landmines, struggling to get back up again, dusting off the debris, and returning to the fray, despite not having found those clear answers that may not even exist. 

I admire your courage.  Love the idea of dancing out the darkness.
:hug: :hug: :hug: to you

Quote from: radical on February 09, 2017, 06:07:10 PM
I relate (entirely from my own point of view and experiences) to being confused about sharing and connecting, with having difficulty with both over-sharing and under-sharing, feeling unable to gauge, time, monitor and discern.  But I feel that a part, (it may be a small part of the problem), is that because I've had these problems, I've spent a lot of time talking in therapy talking and thinking and reading about feelings, experiences, things most people hold behind a closed door in themselves, which often seems to make me more open about things most people aren't open about, yet I'm reserved, and unsure about everyday things.  And people open up to me and find me receptive.  I'm so grateful to find someone who seems to be open, but find they are more 'ajar' than open, and I've gone and shared way too much of myself and left myself too vulnerable.  Speaking entirely about myself here, but you may be able to relate to some of it.
I also think that this struggle is tough and we are often way too hard on ourselves.

100% agreed. I eventually rounded the corner today. I am being hard on myself. Part of me sees that as my job, still. I do misread situations a lot, but I don'tbthink I was wrong about there being some connection on at least a friend level. But timing is awful for him for even friendship, I suppose. I think I'm seeing things with better perspective now.

He seemed a lot better today, too. I was on my way out to go work right as he walked in so we had a face-to-face greeting. I remain somewhat puzzled. I just have to accept that not everything will make sense for my benefit, and I don't get to be friends with everyone just because I think we'd be good friends.

This week has been pretty emotionally overwhelming. I have yet another thing to write about soon.

The other thing that happened today is that my M sent me a laptop. I knew something was coming. She asked for both my home address and my work address. She said the thing she was sending was big, but not too big to carry home.

She sent it to my work. I was out on the floor all morning and when I got upstairs it was waiting for me on the desk. I was totally surprised. I thought she was sending flowers or chocolates - not something as extravagant as a laptop.

I don't have my own computer right now and I don't even have a tv. I have been accessing internet from my phone. So this laptop is a dearly welcome tool in my home. I can transfer & edit photos again, which I hadn't even shot since I moved, since I had no way to  manage them. I can watch movies. I can skype. I can access all of  my music which has been on a hard drive since I moved. I only had access to my cds up til now.

It's really overwhelming to me. I am so grateful, but also upset... Which would normally make me feel like a bad person, but I understand this now. I would only look ungrateful to the outside world.

Don't get me wrong, this is an incredibly thoughtful gift, and I accept it and will make good use of it. But my M was my main abuser. She's also the reason I never told anyone about my sexual abuse.

I have struggled to break away from her, moving further and further, and limiting communications significantly. I've been struggling, but doing things on my own. Every now and then she does something extravagant, even though I don't want her to. I guess that's hoovering.

A gift this nice has an undercurrent to it that I don't like. I can't refuse or return it. It came to my work and half my coworkers saw me open it and then I got the chorus of "wow, nice mom"s, etc. She looks like super mom to them. And gifts like this, no matter how nice, for me they don't make up for the years I will never get back from living in fear. Or the years of depression, cptsd and therapy.

I almost started crying at work, I was so overwhelmed. My previously crying coworker was behind me, too. Lol, what a crew. I'm glad I held it in. They would have looked like tears of joy to others. But to me any nice gifts always bring up this tornado of emotions that quickly engulf me. Gratitude, yes. But sorrow, anger, regret and resentment, too. And here is the only place where I know others get that.

All I ever wanted from her was acknowledgement of my abuse. Even just "I'm sorry you suffered" even if she can't own it herself. But she has never acknowledged the reasons behind my pain and never will, even after I confeonted her. She is incapable of acknowledging the truth. The only thing I feel I need to really leave the past behind me is the one thing I will never get. And every gift reminds me of that.

I was listening to Shearwater's album Jet Plane and Oxbow again yesterday. It's such a deep album, and one lyric on particular jumped out at me on this listen:

Forgive them when you lay the gun down, only child
It's not surrendering.

Can I find it in myself to forgive when there is no acknowledgement of my reality? Should I even try? Am I capable of being the person I think I should bd, and moving home to love someone who doesn't understand me at all? These are the questions that lie deep inside and again I don't know of I will ever live to see them resolved.

Crying a little now. This stuff is so hard to bring up, to this day.

I completely understand what you mean, MFTB. Gifts with strings. And public displays of 'How Grand Am I?' That put you on the spot.

It's like giving a fine bottle of whiskey to the alcoholic who just celebrated 2 years of sobriety. Sure, things seem better under control AND a fine bottle of whiskey WOULD be a nice gift to someone who can enjoy it properly, but what does THAT gift say about the giver? How unaware of the impact - or worse, aware but unwilling to acknowledge!

We, my siblings and I, used to laugh sardonically and darkly that our mother said she loved us, but the words were empty. The hugs meaningless - she also hugged her poodle and her cats. The gifts were worse. Always bad gifts. When she was married to Dad, she did well. I guess small children were easy - any toy would do when the box was as big of a hit as they toy inside. But, how do you open a gift, read the card and realize that NO thought of the impact went into the gift? How do you smile at those around you with tears at the edges of your eyes? How do you swallow that tornado of emotion to 'perform' as expected?

Sure, you need and can use the laptop. But, I wonder some things. Was sending it to work her way of ensuring you'd actually open it? Was she expecting to hear about how your coworkers thought she was wonderful for such a big gift? Was her real motivation to 'take away' the excuses for low contact that you've used? If you're using the tool SHE provided, don't you now 'OWE' her Skype calls, updated photos and many, many thanks? Slick. I have to say. She is slick. In one gift, she got to be the hero, provider and debtor. Wow.

It's so sad that we have to think in these terms. Those * strings. They look like gossamer, but they're made so strongly not even diamonds can cut them.

And that gift, that 'kind, thoughtful, useful' gift is supposed to be the PROOF she LOVES you. She may even actually love you in the only way she knows how. It would have been a love gift if the card enclosed had read, 'I expect nothing in return, darling. Enjoy.'

Here is a totally radical thought. We're all so good at pretending - pretending not to hurt when we could scream with the agony, pretending to be appreciated when we know we're not. How about PRETEND you got that card enclosed? Thank her, of course, because that is the only decent thing to do - as a reflection of YOUR values. Then, act as if she HAD said she expects nothing.

If she brings up the gift, ask her, 'Oh, was I obligated when I received it? I wasn't aware.'

OK - that last part may be dreaming, but doesn't it feel just a little daring and bring just a little smile to even THINK of saying that?

:bighug:

Twice I've tried to write a followup post only to lose it. So I'll try to just post a short one this time.

My coworker got back to me on Friday and said some amazing things to me. Like really sincere, thoughtful things. The kinds of things I always wanted to hear, and I wasn't fishing for them or dropping hints, unlike with every other man I've talked to. He said he sees me. Now I'm crushing on him and wish I wasn't due to whatever is going on in his life. He's gone this week and it's good.

I successfully went dancing by myself!!! I was so anxious it threw my eating off for 24 hours into junkfood land. But it was an alt club (reccommended by the coworker) and very welcoming and good-times oriented. I managed to clear my head for about a third of the time I was there. I would go back and discovered I know someone else that knows the club so might not have to go alone next time. I'm proud of myself that I did this for myself.

Today I got another package from my mom at work. It was a suitcase. W.t.f.

good for you for taking yourself out and away from the ugly for awhile.  pretty courageous - you deserve to be proud of yourself! 

and * is right about that suitcase from mom.  i don't know what i'd do with it, but i'd feel very uncomfortable about it.  it just feels like something's up. 

i hope things smooth out for you.  sounds like it's been kind of a roller coaster lately.  big hug, mftb.

Today I went out in the world and met a room full of strange women for the first time and discussed intimate things with them. And had a good time. Was less nervous than going dancing! I guess because it was all women. The night I went dancing I had to actually tell myself I was safe. Not so tonight.

I'd been thinking of closing this journal for a while and starting a new one. I feel like I've made significant progress, and though I have setbacks and ongoing struggles, I'm pushing past most of my major triggers. Soon perhaps my title won't hold so true anymore.

I suppose I'll wait until after I go to therapy to process all the trauma surrounding my dad's death. Then I will have hit all my emdr targets. I am ready to go back to therapy. I have benefits. I just need to have enough space on my credit card to pay upfront.

I did realize I have a weird trigger today - my own name. I heard someone say it at work followed by "she's still new", and right away I started wondering what I had done wrong, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still am, too, and it may never fall. Just because someone's talking about me, doesn't mean that I did anything wrong. But like a kicked puppy, I hear a certain tone coupled with my name and still flinch. Not sure if that's inner critic or inner child, and if knowing about it will make it lessen.

This is so good to hear MFTB, everything you said here!

What I've found with triggers is that I'm affected by them differently when I feel differently, I can move on faster.  Newer ones can be stopped in their tracks.  Older developmental triggers will probably always have a strong impact on how I feel at the time. 

Being able to stop and wonder, and watch the trigger progress and make a path of thoughts and feelings is so empowering.

Your 'movement' is a bit of an inspiration for me!

Woke from a bad nightmare about my dentist last night. Felt so much anxiety and insecurity. Now in a sensitive state. I did give myself some love though. I got up and did yoga, which was more painful than usual. But afterward i felt better, and went back to bed, so I could enjoy being in my body without any pain.

I've made myself so vulnerable lately, and while ultimately it's good for me I can't help but wonder about my motivations for doing so. I think as part of self-acceptance, I have also still been seeking acceptance from others. Like I'm not yet confident enough to like myself as-is, so votes of approval from others are signals that I can go ahead and like things I have been self-conscious of. If I lay it all out and people still like me, that's the proof I've been desparately craving that I am ok. It's progress from where I eas but still not healthy.

The bigger issue I've come to notice lately is how much attention I need and seek. I seem to want to be in someone's thoughts all the time, and want as much proof as possible. That feels like psycho territory to me, now that I've seen it. And I can only imagine how it looks to others. That neediness and desperation that's been pointed out to me at times in the past. I see it now. The only explanation I have for it is that because my sense of self was never allowed to develop fully, and because I didn't receive unconditional love as a child, I developed Schröedinger's ego, which can only be verified as existing in the presence of an observer. Therefore, I'm basically a Narcissist who doesn't love herself. It's a disheartening theory. And when I can't get my attention fix, I fall into depression or "cease to exist". Lately the intervals between needing fixes seem shorter, so that seems to indicate that attention isn't as affective as it used to be. Is that a good sign, or a bad one? Maybe this is just me learning what being alone is like, and I am way overthinking things.

It may also be that this the work of the critic again, telling me I am unworthy of any love, but I didn't hear the ICr's voice. I will try to stay with these thoughts and feelings for a while today and see if anything crystalizes.

You're being so hard on yourself.

I relate in my own ways to everything you've written, right down to having "Schröedinger's ego" - I believe most of us with CPTSD can.  One way or another, we didn't get the kind of love, support, attention we needed when we most needed it - as children or as adults, but it's no reason to beat up on ourselves!

I think you are great MFTB.  We all need positive attention - to feel valued, and appreciated and cared for.  When there is a deficit, the need can make us feel ashamed.  I don't think you deserve to feel ashamed at all, but that's just my opinion.

Thanks Radical. I think the nightmare sparked an e.f. and I was stuck in a rut all day.

Actually, stuck in bed all day. I didn't get up til 3 and left to visit friends at 4:30. I told them basically what's going on with me and they were supportive.

I do actually think this was my inner critic's handiwork now. People like and care for me. I just wish I felt it more consistently. I know it academically in my head, but on days like this when I need to know in my heart but I can't feel it, I see myself as a shell of a person.

I don't really know how to not be hard on myself, but I try to be kind, usually. If I could slow down my thoughts in the moment it might help. I just tend to think if it's humanly possible, I should be doing it. I guess that's not realistic.

This weekend I went to a different women's event and met even more new people. Some of the women from the first event were there as well so not all total strangers. Was happy how welcomed I was and how easy it's been to shake up my routines and find new things to fill my time with, once I applied myself to it. It's been a lot of progress in just accepting me for me and having a good time.

My work schedule and the social life I am working towards clash in a big way. Will have to be careful to not have too many late nights each week. 1 is manageable, 2 is tougher, and anything more than that throws everything off, including my mood. Good to keep in mind.

I did feel depressed again today. Slept extra. Possibly last week's late nights caught up with me. But got out of the house again, so that basically broke it.

I'm trying to accept that despite being a goofy * (things I see as fun qualities), I am also often "the serious one" and "the emotional one" and these are aspects of myself I don't think will ever change or lessen. I had said to my coworker "I've pretty much accepted that I am too much for most people to handle" with regards to dating, and he replied that he doubted that. It was such a sweet thing to say but I couldn't help but think that he doesn't know all the turmoil of thought and emotion that goes on just below my happy work-surface-level that I present to the world. At least he didn't then. He does now.

I wonder what it would be like to have a cuddle buddy. I miss intimacy and can't help but think that if I could have a regular source of caring touch it would do a lot for my well-being. The thing with the women's group today showed me that I can have strangers in my space without it being uncomfortable. I guess because it was women, not men.

I want to learn to trust deeply but I'm not sure if I will ever really be able to.

Anyway, it's bedtime and beyond. Some mood swings but ultimately a good week and restful weekend.

Woke up lonely and troubled by my needs. My inner child wants to be held. I want to be held.

My ex was neither intuitive nor particularly empathic, though he was generally nice. If I woke in the middle of the night and needed comfort he would be so fast asleep I couldn't wake him even if I tried. I've never understood how people can sleep that solidly. So I was lonely with him to almost the same degree I am now. We also ended up on different sleep cycles so that impacted things, too.

I just need someone to tell me everything will be ok sometimes. He was literally incapable of that. Like he didn't understand that it was an act of comfort that had value and healing for me.

By the end of our relationship I was desperately clinging to him at night, after waking, full spoon, trying to take a semblance of the closeness I needed. If he spooned me I'd get too hot, so I always had to be the big spoon even though I would have rather been the little. He stopped trying to spoon me after a while and I would have to ask. He didn't ask me to cuddle. He only wanted sex from me. I was trying to pretend the closeness I took in the way I needed was the same as the right kind of caring that is offered freely. But it was not.

And now, in these times when I really need someone, I have only myself, my stuffy and my body pillow.

I'm here for my inner child but I also have to be here for me. And so many times I feel like too much for even myself to handle.

I am again thinking about cuddling. It's becoming a bit of an obsession lately.

BOOM. Today was groundbreaking.

A coworker returned from working across the country for a while. This turned out to be a happy shakeup in the office. He is going through hard times himself, though. Despite this, he was actually quite pleasant to be around.

My other coworker, the crushy coworker, came back yesterday. I had wanted to talk to him, but he didn't take lunch and I thought he might be avoiding me. But perhaps I misinterpreted that. He's got whatever he's dealing with going on.

The two of them are very chummy and usually take breaks together. They go for lunch earliest amongst our group. About 20min later I was starving, so I went for lunch as well.

I ended up asking if I could join them and they were in deep conversation about what's going on in their lives. My crushy coworker caught me up on his week away. He attended a communication and authentic living workshop. It sounded very positive. The other coworker was describing his troubles - love life - and his girlfriend who sounded like she almost certainly has cptsd or an attachment disorder. Everything my coworker said about her, I had done or experienced and could identify with. That made me somewhat uncomfortable. She had abandonment in her past as well. He said he had cured his own depression, implying that she should be able to as well. Or at least control herself. He said he didn't deserve the abuse he was getting, and I do agree. But everything he described sounded like it came from a place of core wounds to the self.

Crushy coworker was explaining how his workshop helped him reframe his worldview and his own depression and anxiety. Basically it taught him to seperate perception from emotion. Like how there's significant power in knowing the differences between thinking

"my coworker made me anxious because he's not into the conversation and shifted away from me",

"I feel anxious because I think my coworker is not into the conversation, because he moved further away from me", and

"I percieved my coworker sit further back in his seat, and I felt anxious because I was afraid he may not be into the conversation and judging me".

It's pretty subtle. I think I'll need him to explain it to me more. The idea is that nothing has the power to affect you unless you let it, and once you examine the root feeling in any situation, it can be clarified or challenged. I think. I will see if I can get more info on this.  It's hard to make this clear second-hand.

Ultimately, it was all about personal responsibility. How you have to own your feelings and not view them as a reaction to circumstances or especially people. That people can't make you feel anything.

Partially I agree. But I felt there was a significant caveat: abuse. Damage that people inflict directly upon others. Crime and violence. I said so. And then it lead to my followup. "I'll get real now. I'll keep it 100. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder from child abuse." I loosely explained the difference between ptsd and cptsd, how developmental trauma and lack of secure attachment affect brain development in children, and how trauma short-circuits the brain and directly affects brain chemistry. I told them what emotional flashbacks were, and how they were different from ptsd flashbacks. That I suffer from them and nearly anything can trigger them and I get them at work. I used the example of hearing my name said in a certain tone. That all of this can be overcome with careful processing of emotions but there are usually multiple layers upon layers of emotions and memories, so it's a slow process. Not usually quick to reframe. It's something that is likely a permanent part of me, so I have to live with it and deal with it.

I told them I was saying all that not to side with her or excuse anything, but because what she's going through is likely very real, thinking one's way out may not really be possible, and that there's a spectrum of experiences when people talk about depression and anxiety, and it's important to understand that. It's a long road. On top of it all, women are socialized to hide their feelings of fear and insecurity lest they be judged needy, which usually makes it worse.

Phew. I'm tired from writing all that. I disclosed my abuse conversationally, calmly, to two coworkers, one I don't even know well, in our staff lunchroom. I don't remember what exactly they said. Crushy coworker seemed to be at least passingly familiar with what I was saying. He looked like he got it. The other coworker may have said I was brave. I know he thanked me for sharing. I said it was good to be in an environment where we could openly have this conversation, and that there was no way I could have said any of that 3 months ago, but lately things had been falling into place with regards to accepting myself.

So I think that's significant progress in living my truth. I surprised myself with it. Now I carry on living.

 :fireworks: :fireworks: :fireworks: :fireworks:

I know there are costs, but however we find to 'live our truth' it's worth it.

All power to you!  Smiling as I type.  Enjoy.

 :hug: What an immensely powerful way to advocate for survivors of child abuse, yourself included.

Have been so anxious the past 2 days - especially today. I took a clonazepam. I've had that scrip for years and am almost out now. I only take them in emergencies.

I have discovered most of the emergencies spawn from interactions with men. Stuff that seems innocent on the surface but triggers me so badly. This thing with my coworker and his girlfriend has really gotten to me to the point I'm avoiding him now.

I'm on lunch but not even hungry. I did eat a good, late breakfast at least.

I have tried to remember ro breathe and ground. For the past 2 days it hasn't helped.

The coworker said some pretty awful things yesterday. "The way she is, she'll never find happiness. She doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. She's so selfish, abusive, out of control".

Another coworker saw an old picture of a female coworker and said she used to be chunky. I was gobsmacked.

Those words came on a day I forgot my morning pill. That's on me. I couldn't filter out the words. It was like my inner critic was saying them. Ugh. Just have to make it through the next few hours. I'm taking everything so personal.

But today it feels like no matter what I do, I'll never measure up. The words weren't to me, but to women like me. And as women it's our apparent job to shoulder the emotional abuse and pretend everything's fine. I'm having a tough time being fine today.

My thoughts go with you today.

The passive aggressive in me would LOVE to drop a notebook LOUDLY when I overhear stuff like that. Maybe knowing others can hear them will SHUT THEM UP. Or not. That's the rub. GRRR.

I'm so sorry you're going through this today.

Ok. After two very, very anxious days, I am feeling better. Got up, ate delicious oatmeal, and did yoga. Could sleep some more now.

Am looking more closely at my finances. I can't carry on like this. Need to reduce my debt load because interest is crippling me.

Feeling generally ok again.

Met a man for coffee last night, looking to make new friends. He's another child sexual abuse survivor. I was shocked to learn it. Our childhood backgrounds and experiences are so similar despite the facts being different. Most people don't talk about it, but it seems we survivors are everywhere.

This post will have triggers. Like surely, for disordered eating, sexual and relationship issues. I'm sure some here will disagree with what I write or my methods. All I can say is that this is my road individually. Find what works for you.




I have insomnia again. I overate my feelings tonight. A whole thin-crust frozen pizza with extra cheese, a frozen fudge pop, and then a small blizzard when I went to the bank. I think a combination of overheating and taxed digestion woke me tonight.

I was totally broke and was about to miss a student loan payment. Applied for interest relief, which was denied while unemployed. Approved now! $260/mo. freed up til August. Also got a refund cheque from health care because work paid for it retro to my start date. Glad that worry is gone for a while.

Been craving contact with men so badly. I want to be held and cuddled and kissed and more. It's been a long time. I'm sure part of this is "daddy issues" but a really big part of it is just nature, too. I'm a highly sexual person, a woman entering her peak. I've spent my whole life made to feel ashamed of my sexuality. I'm so tired of it. So I'm starting to own these feelings and urges i have..

I've started reclaiming and owning my sexual agency. I know it's a slow process, so I'm starting now in the hope that as I heal further i may find myself in a good position for a relationship when I am eventually ready. I've always been interested in kink. And though one of my earliest abuses involved kink, curiosity grew rather than diminished along my healing journey. So I went to a couple women's meet-ups and have volunteered at an event. And I have found this community to be warm, open, and inclusive so far. It's been a nerve-wracking but positive experience for me. Events are consent-driven, and abuses and abusers are not tolerated. I know this would not be for most, but it is for me.

I've also accepted that I'm not really monogomous. I think I wouldn't have cheated if my desire for one partner had outweighed my desire to love more than one man. I am a complicated person and I am learning to accept it in the hope that I can actively steer my life's course instead of constantly drifting. Since I accepted these things, I have generally been happier and much more able to express myself.

Writing made me sleepy. Thank goodness.

Goods and bads this past week or two.

I started dating a couple weeks ago. I have been on 2 dates with different men. Both are very different from me, but I have lots in common with each. I"ll talk about the second one at a later date.

Neither are my coworker. I think I'm over my crush on him, which is good.

One was a straightedge vegan pierced and tattooed punk. Incredibly intelligent and we got on very well. He's poly and has a primary. I'm not ready for a serious relationship but was finding weekends disheartening, so here I went to find someone to spend time with. And he was great. But only available 1 night every 3 weeks or so. Didn't really fit the bill. But still I found myself waiting for him to call, and then making myself available when plans fell through, or basically on his schedule only. It didn't sit right but I ignored it. Until 2 nights ago when I saw the pattern I was repeating and cried for an hour because I realized I had to reject him fespite how much I like him.

It's easy to say "just be busy" but that's hard to do with cptsd. And so I ended it with him because I couldn't tailspin into arranging my life around some guy again, and one as unavailable as my ex, but for different reasons.

The good from all this is that I saw it happening pretty quick, before I got too deep. And I pulled myself out.

This also prompted me to email my therapist. I am restarting therapy next week.

So I am actually infinitely grateful I met him, and hope we can be friends because he was pretty much a bystander to and casualty of my abrupt change of heart. Lusting after him bumped me back onto my healing path. That's big and I'm ready for the next phase of recovery.

MFTB That's sad and wonderful all at the same time. The best part is seeing that you did decide to care 51% about you than about the relationship itself. Hurray for that part!!! You've done one of the hardest things any of us can do. You defied your 'training' and your old coping mechanisms for a new, healthier one! For that I celebrate you!!!!!

Yes, it's sad and yes you'll miss him. Still, because you did reach a point where you considered rearranging your life to have time with him, you may want to make that a clean break. At least until you are in another, healthy relationship. I say this because being around him now will stir those feelings and keep them unsettled. That could confuse things for you as you embark on another relationship. This is just my opinion. The best thing is that I firmly believe that you can and will do what is sincerely best for YOU.

I got busy and fell out of the habit of writing for a while. Lots going on in life but carrying on has been working ok for me for the most part.

I've been dating someone for about a month now... The second man from my last post.

Non-monogomy has been good for me in many ways. Ironically I haven't been very non-monogamous. Dating is hard and I find the whole "getting to know you", stepping on each other's toes phase exttemely triggering.

The increased communication of Non-monogomy has been really good for me. I have been vulnerable about my deepest, core issues, like abandonment, betrayal, self-respect, and fears stemming from those. And my boyfriend did not run away or tell me I was overreacting. He stood by me, and moved closer to me. My abilities to communicate, set and maintain boundaries, and be vulnerable have all increased.

But we're having a rough day. Seeing other people at the same time means processing a lot of feelings. And today that's what we were doing.

Ugh, the answer is simply to take care of myself. Sometimes that is so hard and so unreasonably scary. Sometimes I need a hug and to be told it'll be ok. Which I've basically just done for myself by taking the time to write again. To acknowledge myself and my feelings.

I have learned that I struggle with receiving anything positive. Compliments, gifts, connection. I recognize it now as a part of my broken programming... That anything good is suspect. Still lots in myself to work on.

Tonight is for laying low and staying with the feelings. I'm having a cry, which I guess is ok. Better out than in. Better expressed than repressed. And tomorrow will come and should be a lot better.

it'll be ok, mftb.  big hug to you.  i think you're doing really good.

I always admire your courage and honesty MFTB.

It's good to be able to cry some of it out of your system.  I'm so glad you are working on receiving from others.  It's is so essential yet not something many of us from dysfunctional families learn in the natural way.  You are more than worth it.  Sending a virtual hug :hug:  It's not the same but the best I can do. It will be alright.  You are alright.

Isn't it weird how people usually put more time and effort into agreeing on a movie - listening to preferences about likes and dislikes, times, difficulties getting to the theatre etc. than they do talking about needs, desires and feelings before having sex.  For some reason it is supposed to be understood without any discussion at all.

I really like the idea of radical consent, being open from the outset, not pretending, assuming, enforcing desires on others, going along with whatever isn't too appalling to bear.  Not just in sexuality, wouldn't it be great if the idea spread to every area of communication?  It's not that most people aren't happy to accommodate others in lots of circumstances, it's that without that accommodation being communicated, it's far to easy for the wishes of exploitative or dominant people to prevail or for outright abuse to be normalised under cover of plausible deniabliity.  There is a high cost to that.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I may not always reply.

This week I didn't because I was doing a lot of thinking and absorbing.

I still have so many issues with self worth. I was alone this week, and very lonely. I self sabotaged by eating. I'm trying to stay with this and move through it.

Here now are some next-morning additions:

A set of "thoughts" that I'm dealing with are "I'm not getting exactly what I think I want so I should end everything" and "I'm not healthy enough (whatever that means) to be in a relationship (...so I don't deserve to be in one or loved or I'm not loved)". I put thoughts in quotes because it took me all week to crystallize feelings into words.

I then use any and all negative thoughts or experiences to feed these two beastie thoughts, which in turn colour my experiences. And the snake eats it's own tail over and over again. This spreads into all aspects of my life. Once I start thinking like this, suddenly I'm also bad at my job and a failure at being healthy and financially responsible. Even though I have proof otherwise. It's litterally and figuratively maddening.

I was doing better at not getting into these cycles overall. In a way this is a setback, but it is also progress, since I'm understanding things at a deeper level than I did in the past. I may be encountering similar feelings to ones I know, but I'm trying to be vulnerable with them, rather than just give in to them or run from them or wall them off At least, that's where I eventually end up, after I ride the feelings rollercoaster.

Last night I was able to talk with my boyfriend about my feelings a little bit. He reiterated that he wants to be with me, to see me and help me where he is able, and otherwise stand by me. That in a lot of ways sums up what I want in a relationship. And it scares me as much as I love it and want it. It is both the start and end of the rollercoaster. Basically. I ride it alone, but in the past I would drag my partners with me. Now, I am here and I have someone willing to join me even though he doesn't find it scary like I do. I'm afraid of boring him or coming off as overly dramatic. These are just thoughts in my head though. He doesn't think that of me. Only I do.

I think that the tighter I hold on, the faster it's all gotten out of control in the past. But the chaos that caused was weirdly predictable and familiar, because it's what I grew up with. So trying to not control things now puts me in a constant state of uncertainty, and learning to trust. And thst is the real unfamiliar territory.

sounds like progress.  good going!  you'll get there, mftb.  big hug!

Having said rough day.  A sick day.  Had my first driving lesson last week and was supposed to have another today but had to reschedule due to being sick.

I may have (probably did) make myself sick yesterday,  and over the past week,  due to my food choices. These choices were made almost instinctually to cope with stress at work and in life. I broke my phone and had to replace it urgently. I saw my ex to get things back... Seems there's always something else left. I was out each night then up at 5am. It was far too much for me.   I am in a period of intensely compressed timelines and what can only be called extreme expectations for the situation. I think I get now why my employer is unionized. We do not even have all the tools or information to do our jobs but are expected to provide exceptional results without being allowed to work overtime to compensate for delays.

I've had recurring tension headaches that last for days.  I dream of work almost every night and cried about it on the weekend. Then I suddenly developed some kind of gastroenteritis. It's like being sick is a defense response go the stress and I have decided to listen to my body and take the day off but I still feel stressed and depressed and worn out. I have at least a month left of this pace and can't think much beyond one day at a time.

Have spent most of the day sleeping and feeling vaguely nauseous. Did manage to prepare healthy food for myself for the week despite being ill  yesterday. Still feeling stomach cramps.

I'm writing to document this time in my life.  I know it's temporary in my head, intellectually,  but my body and emotions say otherwise.  I am putting too much pressure on myself and caring too much about what others think.  I am trying to reassure and soothe myself that I will be ok, am not alone,  can handle this, and am good at my job.  But it feels fleeting. The only thing really stopping me from sinking further is the lack of time to do so.

It's hard to imagine that my life will improve from this.  Do I stop resisting and accept it, or do I dig deeper and fight harder and longer?  I'm too tired and unwell to answer that today.

Today was a better day. My work situation is the same but I am not sick anymore. This has improved my outlook dramatically. I still have the same worries and fears but my coping ability is higher.

I woke up early and did yoga. That felt good. It's so hard to make time for it as often as I think I should.

My struggle with consistency is one of my greatest battles.  It's possibly the biggest factor that holds me back. With CPTSD, I am robbed of consistency. Of thoughts, of emotional states, of commitment of pretty much any kind.  I wonder if I can address this now, or do I still have a lot more growing g up to do. At least I see the issue now. Maybe someday soon I can address it.

So glad the weekend is almost here. I have days from time to time where I dread work. I always have. I've gotten better at coping with them as I've gotten older. Mostly that entails me forcing myself to carry on and reminding myself that I am in a temporary state. It doesn't feel too much like coping. More like flailing and praying.

I get overwhelmed so easily and when overwhelmed I am a snippy, emotionally reactive, frantically panicking person. It's awful for me and probably for everyone around me. I think I've been overwhelmed for at least a month, if not longer. Most I can keep it together but at the same time my "pleasant veneer" can make things a lot worse. I almost started crying today at work. Glad I didn't. And yet it's a wake up call. I hate working as hard as I have to for so little reward. In the last 3 weeks I've worked 4hrs of unpaid overtime and I'd need hours more to catch up. I'll never be the fastest worker. I have struggled with speed my whole life. But I'm so tired of feeling like a deficient or bad person because I can't pull solutions out of my butt. I need time to absorb, process, and do the work. I feel constantly anxious that I am being judged negatively for my performance. I don't think it's all in my head.

So tired. My dream is turning into a long-running chase dream. I need to work towards redefining the dream, because I am losing sleep over it. And so evermore contemplation and analysis begins. Maybe thinking is my addiction.

The weekend is almost here. I decided to take photos of things I appreciate about my commute into work. Focus on the good for today at least. Do what I can.

This morning has been interesting. It's not dissociation, but I am experiencing myself as an observer of my body and internal processes. I don't believe it's dissociation because I don't feel distant or zoned out. I feel aware and alert for the most part.

This morning I have been thinking about how I put myself second in pretty much everything. Especially in work and love. Or maybe more so in health, particularly.

This awareness seemed to come only in brief flashes.  The last time I experienced it was when starting my medication a year ago.

This struggle with consistency. I've mentioned is crucial, I believe. It's like a breaker trips when my brain's circuits get overloaded by life, and I shut down. I'm starting to accept that I have areal but unrecognized disability. I have been off work because of depression. In the past. Almost 20 years ago. I went back to work because I couldn't afford to live on disability. The worker asked if I. Was better and I think I said I had no choice. But no, I was not "better". Aside from short spells I haven't been better in all that time. I have just gotten better at masking my disability. At coping, as well, to varying degrees.

As I thought about all the ways I was second in my life I became angry. At men, at my work, at capitalism. But I observed myself becoming angry as well as felt it. And I observed how it started to turn inward on me. Just as myself and millions of people around the world have been conditioned to think.

Now I am so tired. I will nap for a bit but needed to get this out of my head.

Today is a very angry day, and a lonely day. And Father's day, so it's just a complicated mess of feelings. I am trying to clean my place. The cleaning seems to bring up more anger. The anger gives me a tension headache and makes my guts hurt. This in turn makes me want to eat or sleep, to tune the world out. I will probably nap this afternoon. Again. I'm doing the best I can. My best just doesn't feel good today. But I have to clean because I have a date tonight and I haven't done dishes in over a week. I'm thinking of cancelling the date and laying in bed all day. I probably won't, but the fact I'd consider that is sad. Just want to fast forward a couple weeks. Summers seem to be rather hard for me.

mftb, reading over your past few posts has been very interesting, especially in the way you are processing your movement, your journey, and your awareness.   i think it's called progress.

you sound different.  yeah, you've been sick from stress, you're overworked, you're feeling emotions bubbling up and you're taking risks by dating, by letting someone into your life in a different way than before.  you're realizing how you've put yourself second too many times in your life, feeling angry about it.  to me, this says that you're getting ready to make a change.

what that change might be, i don't know.  putting yourself first?  healthier eating?  more consistency for your self and your life?  it sounds like you're about to be done with accepting the crumbs that have gotten handed to you throughout your life, like you're finding a new piece of you that you weren't able to acknowledge in the past.

i may be all wrong.  it's just what came to my mind while reading.  whatever it might be, i'm getting a good vibe from it.  a new strength.  big hug to you.  i'm looking forward to seeing where you go with all this. 

Not a lot to say today. I think this time in my life will teach me something. Not sure what. In my better moments I think I can handle this. I am handling it, even though it's not graceful or effortless to myself or outsiders.

I frequently feel like a colossal *-up. I dropped several balls at work. But how all those mistakes reflect on me, I don't know. It seems to be chaos everywhere for everyone. And even through all of this, life is going on. I think in my head I've been fighting the current. For today at least, I have lost the ability to care. Stuff either will get done or it won't. The amount that I control at work is miniscule. I think when I expect otherwise, that's when dissatisfaction begins.

Have slept very poorly 2nights in a row. Hoping for better tonight.

What's in my head right now? Tinnitus has been a lot more noticible today.

I'm a swirlingess of thoughts, always. Some days I am bothered less than others. Generally I feel better after talking. And yet there's this culture of positivity that makes me have to choose who I open up to carefully. "Fake it til you make it" means I almost constantly feel lacking at work but can't usually express it in the "right" way that will actually get me the help I need. I rarely, fully open up to anyone, including significant others,  and I think that makes things worse. But it feels beyond my ability to break this cycle. Not sure what to do. Will sleep and meditate on it.

Possible triggers in this post for pain.



Went for a walk this morning and was thinking about the nature of pain. Pain is the body's defense mechanism. It ranges in severity from mildly annoying to strong enough that a person passes out or screams uncontrollably. All of this is the nervous system working to achieve the end goal of getting an injured person to stop moving and tend to their wounds. Weirdly, its main,  unintended consequence is that a person experiencing serious pain is truly living in the moment, unable to focus on anything else.  Tending to the wound becomes imparative. Rarely in happiness are people in that state of focus. Meditation and hypnosis can be used to diminish pain, but aren't usually quick fixes. Mind over matter is very difficult when fighting against the body's own neurological defenses and chemical processes. Emotional pain uses different processes, but the result is pretty much the same. Mental and physical symptoms that keep a person stuck where they are, or even in the past, as I learned in The Body Keeps the Score.

So what this means for me is that I have a really hard time looking to the future, focusing, planning and exercising discipline. I am working to counter these difficulties, but sometimes I see very limited success or else can have big setbacks. I understand now why "right now" is so important and difficult to me. It's both where I am swept back from, and where I need to be. Never mind the future, which seems to be mine and everyone else's goal. I am starting to understand the absolute need for patience with myself even if no one else is showing it. Overcoming this is a life's work. I'm also starting to understand what patience really is. It's like a mantra to be repeated. I am ok now. Even if I'm not, I will be soon. Even if it doesn't feel like it, time is passing and I am making progress. I am swimming upstream in my own body, and that's not an easy task. And this all takes incredible discipline, even though it will probably never show externally.


On another note completely, I was thrift shopping and found a small soapstone beaver. I picked it up and a memory flashed up of having my own soapstone carving as a child. It was a souvenir I picked on a trip with my father. Such a large amount of nostalgia. One of my positive memories of childhood. It's nice to know that when I'm swept backward it's not always going to be to a painful place.

Edited to add that I am bone tired these days. Cancelling plans with friends yet craving companionship. Trying to focus on myself but feeling like I need a boyfriend or husband to feel whole. I know that's social conditioning but I can't help it. I feel like I need someeone to look after me,  to watch out for me, because I struggle so much on my own. And at the same time,  dating is incredibly triggering because I keep seeing how far behind I am and how little I have to offer. I thought I had found someone for a little while. He made me believe it. And then right after he convinced me he loved me for real, he started pulling away. So now I am back to almost square one. I haven't broken up with him yet. I don't want to be alone and don't want to go through the whole getting to know you process again. So we are dating but I am sure it won't last. I want someone I can spend weekends with, but all he'll give me is one night a week. I guess I'm waiting for the right time... When I'm less busy? When it'll hurt less? I don't know anything other than I have always been afraid to stand up for myself, because when I do, I stand alone.

i loved your mantra about being patient with yourself, especially 'i am ok now, and even if i'm not, i will be soon'.  i want to remember that and use it whenever possible.  thank you for writing that.  it's exactly what i needed today.     big hug!

Thank you, sanmagic7.

I'm feeling lighter today. Actually able to focus for a bit.

I did my dishes for the first time in 3 weeks. They were mostly not bad but there were some containers I threw out rather than open. I am ashamed of how disgusting I had let my home become. I scrubbed the kitchen well.  Doing dishes is such a strange trigger for me. I think when I couldn't bring myself to wash them it started a major shame spiral. Or was it my depressed, burnt out slump that was the cause. Either way, at least that one thing is done. I will clean my bathroom and sweep, too. Those are both short tasks.

one step at a time, right?  and, we know that every step counts.  good for you for taking those steps.  hugs!

I'm here without knowing why, tonight. It just feels like I need to be. I don't have a topic in mind.

I've been sick today - bladder infection. On antibiotics. Couldn't work. Got a guilt trip when I called in. But I was sick enough that I slept an additional 6 hours today and the pain and need to pee kept me close to the bathroom when I was up. The big work deadline is this Thursday so I probably can't get everything done. I don't care anymore, either. 2 managers on vacations during the busiest time of year but I'm given guff for being sick.

I put off everything for work. Drs, dentists,  therapy, and vacations. if I end up being called to work across the country that will go on even longer, possibly into the new year. Martyring myself doesn't get me ahead. It just gives me more stress.

I was supposed to make a 5 year plan for therapy but I have been a bit afraid to face it and now I'm supposed to be ready to discuss it tomorrow with my therapist. I guess I'll rough it out here so I'm not at a total loss.

Year 1: set a solid foundation. Get financial help and work out a plan to get out of debt. I've started on this. Reduced a few expenses and will see a financial advisor this weekend.  Am taking driving lessons to have my license before summer ends. Get a car by sometime between Oct. - Jan.

Year 2: hope to be about 1/2-3/4 done paying down debts. Life will continue quietly this year. Take 1 vacation. Maybe Cuba? Only 1 year left of work contract after this year, so need to decide where I want to live. Focus on job skills and self growth. Save for possible move.

Year 3: Contract will be up, so new job plus possible big move. Frankly, that's enough. Would like to find my life partner by the end of this year. Hate dating. Wonder if that will change by then.

Year 4: A year to focus on stability. Work, home, relationships and financial freedom. Retirement (Hahaha?) savings and investing.

Year 5: buy a carefully chosen piece of property somewhere. Might be a condo but might just be land. If things are going really well, start running my own business or work from home.

That's a lot. And I hate committing it to writing because it's so likely to change. But it's a start and a direction to aim in.

So, plans change, quickly. I had a bank meeting today to apply for a debt consolidation loan. I'll probably be approved which will knock all my high interest debts to zero. But that is a 7 year term. So way outside my 5 year plan. But should give me some breathing room.

To prepare for this I looked at all my expenses and made a budget. I just have to live within it better, now. It's all a part of self-care. Financial health and learning to plan for my future is as important as caring for myself now. It'll take longer than I thought but fingers crossed, I will succeed in being as independent as I can.

QuoteI will succeed in being as independent as I can.

:cheer:

wow - i'm impressed.  i've never made a plan for anything in the future.  never.  i could never answer that question 'where do you see yourself in 5 yrs?'  i've always simply gone where the wind took me.

love your declaration of independence.  truly beautiful.  you go, bssr!!!   big hug!!!

Been feeling a lot of "reality" lately. I am trying to honestly observe and describe how I live and how I am. As with abuse, naming all these parts of myself feels like an important part of my journey.

I feel hesitant to say recovery anymore. That word implies that there was a time in my life "before trauma". If there was, it lasted my first two years,  max.

The problem with honesty these days is that so many people, most people, don't want to hear it. They only want positive honesty. Honesty that fits their own narrative. My honesty is honesty that cuts to the heart of the matter. For that reason, I have been told I overstep my bounds or speak out of turn. That I can't possibly know what I'm talking about, even when I do.

This week I've been turning this honesty on myself. To many here it may look like the work of the Critics. But these thoughts are mine.

I don't think I really want to live. It's not that I'm suicidal. But I neglect myself so severely that I can't enjoy life for prolonged periods. And I don't try very hard to make myself a true priority. I neglect my oral health and sometimes hygiene, although I have learned that this is common to children who were sexually abused. I am overweight, floating in and out of obesity, another trait common to those who find no safety in their own skin. I have mediocre to poor time management skills. My short term memory is atrocious. I often wonder if I have ADHD. I fit the symptoms. I am a slob when I am not feeling well, which is most of the time. I am lazy. Because of this I suffer a lot. I self-destruct and second guess so much. I have a temper and can be abusive and manipulative. I get overwhelmed and exhausted easier than most.

So that's the bad as I see it. Next entry will be the good. See if this can work in reverse.

MFTB, so much of what you write hits home for me as well.

Yes, we are often shut down when we aren't 'pleasant' or don't limit our expression of our pain. Yours runs so deep and so far back that yes, 'recovery' seems a hollow word. It's closer to restructuring yourself. That is even tougher when you are searching for what is genuine about yourself.

I agree, not all negative statements about self originate from the inner or outer critic. Sometimes, they are just truth. Your truth. My truth.

I understand that statement and why it isn't suicidal ideation. You, like me, have observed the evidence.

I am in a different place right now. My emerging positive outlook might be annoying to you right now. So, I will say only this. I am thankful for this one place where you can go and speak ALL of your truth. And be heard. And be validated for it being your truth as you stand this day. We will continue to be here, listening, caring, understanding.

TRIGGERS in this post for eating disorders, self harm and emotional abuse.

I still want to do the list of objectively positive things about myself, but I'm not there yet...

I just read that article about childhood trauma at the top of the website...  :fallingbricks:  I had to read it in several chunks and cried a lot. It was both validation and a sucker punch to the gut.

I'm so much sicker that I knew. I've been lying to myself and everyone else. I'm pretending to be an adult, and I can carry out tasks, but I have no capacity to process and cope with the emotions that come up in interactions with others. The article explained clearly what dissociative parts are, and it's the first time I understood it. I feel gutted. I have these parts, I thought they were normal, and now I see they aren't. I feel like healing should be my full-time job because I am so completely overwhelmed by life. And yet somehow I'm carrying on.

I've been alternating between depriving myself of adequate nutrition to binge eating this past few weeks. I come home from work and stay in my bedroom, even eating there, in the dark, as much as possible. I've been picking at my skin. I think about breaking g up with my bf because dating us so triggering.

I cried at work on Friday and it took a couple of hours to calm down. My manager didn't want me gto go home despite our hour long talk. I am also triggered there every single day.

I'm exhausted just writing about it. I realize that this is also a formal of dissociation. But I don't know how to stop it.

I just read 'Treating survivors of childhood emotional Abuse and neglect'.  If that is the article, I understand why you might feel overwhelmed. 

I felt similarly to what you describe, along with relief at the understanding the article contained.

You are okay by me MFTB.  I wish I could express that better so you could feel that you are okay, because I absolutely know you are.  I'm coming to feel a lot less afraid of myself, to know that there is nothing there to be afraid of.  I didn't know I was afraid of the contents of my mind, in the way a fish might not be aware of what it means to be wet.  I feel this might be a part of your reaction, forgive me if I'm wrong.

Read this tonight and it blew my mind:

"As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible." ~Carl Jung; Memories Dreams and Reflections; Page 356.

This is exactly how I have felt for at least 20 years. Like I'm from a different planet or living in an alternate universe and I see insanity everywhere but no one else does. Then I am labeled and made to feel crazy for naming it. It's validating to know that one of humanity's greatest thinkers has felt the same way, even though it was surely in regard to different topics.

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I will always have horrible anxiety and EFs. This whole situation with work has shown me that I can persevere and increase responsibility, but each "anxiety hurdle" I clear reveals a new challenge that causes me the same sinking, swirling, inner-critic-feeding feelings all over again.

I have faced my fears again and again this year. As I understand myself better, it seems that I am just wired for fear as a prime response. I don't know if that's a circuit in my brain I can short, ever. I spent so many years trying to find a job that wouldn't cause me significant stress. I don't actually think that exists anymore. So with this job, I have been trying to work despite the stress, but that is not working well, either. I face the demons in my head nearly every day and it could likely kill me one day in the form of a heart attack, as it killed my father. Or cancer. Or some other stress-related illness.

When is enough enough? How can I actually stop this cycle? To do so is to basically interrupt my most primal reaction, and years of therapy hasn't worked yet. Will it ever, or am I on a lifelong wild goose chase? Will there ever be "the right breakthrough" or "the right combination of medicines" to make me function without all of my suffering?

The coworker I used to have a crush on has worn out his good will with me. In the final week before the final deadlines are reached at last, he's been missing 3 days in a row. Deadlines hang in the balance based on work he is to provide and he's nowhere to be found. This is a huge part of what stresses me out - having to rely on others and them letting me down. A serious life theme. I'm getting better at seeing the opposite side of the coin, but I flip from being overly-judgemental to overly-accepting and back so easily.  Professional implications are lasting when working relationships fail. He has probably shot his reputation in the foot with most of our team, now.

I suppose I used to be like him. Internally, I feel like I crumble under the slightest pressure, but comparatively, I see that's not actually true. From what I know, my mental illness has always been more severe, than his anxiety. But he is a squeaky wheel who actually said to me last week "I don't want to work so hard." And with all I have suffered through these past few months, I resent him now. I'm suffering through this work environment, too. He's been here 2 years more than me and should have found another job by now, rather than keep missing a week of work every time a big deadline approaches. I realize this is some outer critic talking. But I also believe it's wrong to leave people in a lurch and I haven't done that since I was in my early 20s. He's 30. It's reprehensible in my mind and I doubt I'll ever take him seriously again.

Back to me. In kindness to myself, this awful time is almost over, and it didn't kill me even if it felt like it would or I wanted it to. Both, actually. I know I can't live like this anymore, so the question becomes one of what I will do about it. And so, I am starting again with research for jobs and ways to generate income I thought I had my dream job, but it's not a good dream. So it's time to craft a new one.  I can't remember if I mentioned it here or not but at some point I learned about the emotional journey of learning a new skill. I may have learned that here. The premise being that we feel increasingly frustrated with our skill gaps until we master the new skill.  C-PTSD keeps me in the learning stages for many reasons. My goal is to find something I can master, and perhaps that would break my cycle of frustration enough to give me more confidence in myself.

I'm just coming out of an emotional flashback that must've been at least two weeks long. It covered so many feelings from anger to despair to numbness, which I mistook for not caring anymore. I feel like, or felt that, I was coming undone.

The thing that helped me come around was loosely talking it out with 2 separate people. One of them was ironically the coworker I was angry with. He got back today and reached out to me because he could see I wasn't myself. So I feel some regret for being so ungracious. I'm trying to forgive myself without excusing the behaviour. I just don't know how to not get to that level once I get into a spiral. And it's a troublingly fine line between harsh thoughts/words and abuse. Which is what triggered my whole flashback spiral in the first place.

I'm working OT tomorrow on a different team, so the change of pace and extra money will be good. Also starting later.

I'm going to bed feeling loved again, and that's no small thing.

Had a little lightbulb moment regarding work. It's one of those things that's probably obvious but I finally saw things with a little more clarity than usual. I had a good day at work yesterday because the only real expectation on me was to show up. There was no pressure except that which I put on myself. I worked hard and had a good time. In fact, I worked harder than most of the managers there that day and it was obvious to everyone. This sounds a bit egotistical to write about, but I worked so hard that I received a public shout-out of thanks. The thing is that it was a one-day thing. If I was expected to perform consistently like that every day, I don't think I could. There are days I just can't.

In my regular job there is a ton of pressure and it makes me miserable. It feeds my inner critic. Almost any time I have to "prove myself" I flash back to childhood and trying to be "good enough" for my parents and failing. And so every failure proves to the critic that I am worthless, and the spiral begins. Slow at first, but accelerating exponentially. I suppose this is something I can work on now that I have identified it. But I don't think I can in a fast-paced, high-pressure environment, which is where I am. On top of that, my manager sees it as her personal mission to push us harder no matter what circumstances. And so I crumble under the pressure, as I have ever since childhood.

Even writing about this is really triggering. I keep stopping and picking. What can I do for income that won't trigger me too quickly, or will pay enough that I can live consistently with inconsistent income? How can I get better when the very nature of work triggers me? It all feels too all-or-nothing to begin to address. I get overwhelmed and turn away.

Work has settled a little. I have a lull for about a month. I still have a ton of work. That will never end. That's my job security. But the pace and amount is more manageable than it was. Because it wasn't at all.

I am not good at my job. This is me speaking objectively. I hope I am adequate at it. But I really didn't perform well over the last two months. It is a daily struggle for me to manage myself and a job.  I was repeatedly triggered nearly every day since May by work and coworkers or managers. At first I tried to soldier on and maintain my self care routines, but as the triggers piled up without time to process, all my healthy routines crumbled until I was barely making it through the days, dragging myself out of bed and then going right back to bed when I got home.  It was an extremely painful experience and I am afraid to repeat it next year. 

My therapist had asked me what I want to do for work if this job isn't going to last... And again what does my ideal life look like? It's so hard for me to imagine a life in which money isn't the determining factor, but over the past couple days I've been remembering things. I love photography, and I love writing. I'm good at both. They are things I can do alone, and on my own schedule for the most part, which matters. People always say that if you're going to do it, you'd already be doing it. I spend so much time in my head with C-PTSD symptoms that I haven't done anything I really love in almost 2 years. The last time I photographed anything with a real camera was the last trip I took with my ex. And the last time I wrote anything aside from here was when I was still in school. I have ideas for both but have had no energy for follow-through. And somehow I think I need to make these things my work.

It's frightening, and yet somewhat of a relief, to realize I do have an idea of what I want to do with my life. Now I need to believe I am worth it and that it is possible for me.

 :grouphug:

Posting that for myself and anyone else who reads this - just because I like it!

I haven't written in a bit. Have been in a major sleeping spell. I think it's the mega-work-stress come-down.

I took a day off last week because it was the anniversary of my father's death. It turned out to be very good that I did. On that day I was sitting in a park when I got some more clarity about what I can do for work.

Since then, I purchased a domain for a blog and have started setting it up. I have an idea that will make some money. I just don't know how much, how long it will take, and how much work it will be, haha. But it's a solid, good idea. I will have to learn a bit about SEO optimization but otherwise I think I mostly know what I need to. The rest I will pick up as I go.

I did have to make a small investment in the plan so I can eventually see returns. That's a bummer because I am painfully tapped out this month, but I had the feeling that if I waited,  I would somehow let my inner critic talk me out of my good idea. And so I jumped in feet first. If I don't start making more money soon I may have to give up my apartment or at least forget about getting a car... Both would be considerable setbacks for me given all the work I've done and money I've spent in the last year to live on my own and learn to drive for my work (both now and future).

I had a very good session with my T last week. She pointed out/reminded me that even though I've felt the struggle keenly, I've made a lot of forward progress. I am starting to embrace and see the value in "not my circus, not my monkeys". This is something that I fundamentally struggle with due to feeling I have to take responsibility for more than my share, and if I don't I feel incredible guilt and shame. I'm trying to weave this into my job but I don't think I actually can do that at my workplace and still get my job done, and I don't think I will have satisfaction in myself if I do, to tell the truth. But it's a worthwhile goal to focus on, nonetheless.

And so I have become yet another millennial who must work more than full-time, under incredible pressure,  just to make ends meet. Three cheers for late-stage capitalism.

Realizing just now that all my life I have bristled at and been hurt or triggered by people telling me who and what I am. And that over the last 15 or 20 years I have internalized this so much that I became codependent, needy for validation and attention in any form, and incapable of knowing myself. Except I was never really incapable. My pain always came from the disconnect between what others think and what the truth inside me is. I became an expert at hiding my truth, even from myself. And so I have days like today where I wake up anxious for "no reason". The reasons are so well shielded behind my wall of stubborn determination that I can't articulate them. But they are there. And then I feel so much resentment at having to work sideways, backwards and upside down for the things I instinctively know I need to be well. It's like people don't actually want me to be well. More likely that very few care. Bleh. That's a lot of heavy thinking right before work.

a lot of heavy thinking, indeed.  o so familiar to me, tho.  all my life i've struggled to be who i knew myself to be, battled against those who would have me be different.  bowing down and giving in too many times until i'd lose myself again.

progress on that front, tho.  it sounds like you're making some of your own.  you go!  mftb, you deserve to be you.  i admire you for your determination in this quest.  big hug.

Trigger warning for violence.

It's 3:30am and I've been awake for an hour. My insomnia has been worse in the summer for at least 15 years. And it's really flared up this past week.

There's a weird safety in the extreme early morning. Fewer people around. It's quiet and peaceful. I feel ready to get things done, limited only by daytime constraints like business hours.

I used to do this as a young person, though, too. From at least grade 9 on I would frequently wake up around sunrise, before anyone else was awake, and go for a walk. Then after the sun was up I would quietly come home and go back to bed. I'm not sure I ever told my family. Maybe I did sometimes. And gr. 9 was the year I was forced to switch schools for my brother's sake. So if early morning feels safer than night time, it makes sense that it really kicked into gear then.

On top of all of it, early morning was when my abuser, my M, was asleep. And so was her enabler. And the rest of the family. No wonder I feel a draw. Late night was when my F beat up my M. Daytime is when most of the traumatic events in life took place. Extreme early morning is still safe for me.

On top of it all, I'm pretty sure humans have a biological disposition to waking up for a period each night. Most people just seem better at ignoring it.
I've written long enough that I am tired again. Hopefully I can get enough rest for the work day. It's another day of being on the ball and trying to love my work.

i hear you.  my favorite time for taking a walk is in the early morning before the sun is up.  i, too, love the peace and quiet of that time. 

once i'm awake, it's hard for me to fall back asleep during the night.  i have my own routine, now, which includes naps every day.  but i can't imagine what it's like to have a full night's sleep, wake up refreshed, and make it through an entire day awake. 

i've got no words of wisdom here, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this.   big hug.

I came home from work yesterday and went directly to bed. I have nothing left in me. Diet is certainly contributing to my fatigue. I'm In a bit of a catch 22. I can't afford better food that would give me more sustainable energy. Eating the less healthy food fills me up but that's about it. I don't have energy to cook for myself beyond opening packages even if I had healthier choices. And if I do buy healthier food I will have to choose which of my bills I'm not paying. My situation is depressing and I drown my sorrows in unhealthy foods.

Next month should be better. I keep telling myself that. I'm almost done with driving. Test is on Monday. That will free up both money and mental energy next month. I start paying my student loan again, though. So any gains nearly cancel out. I also stop therapy as my T takes mat leave. That frees up a little money, but I'm losing a major support in my life.

In Oct. I finally qualify for a small raise. Also vacation time. So next, next month will be better. 

Then I want a car, so will really have no money. But will have more time, and access to potential better jobs, and more ability to work on my idea. The tradeoffs always seem so heavy. I can work myself to death or give up & stay where I am. I'm aware it's all-or-nothing thinking. It's also pretty accurate.

I haven't worked on my idea since Sunday. Not sure if I am exhausted, avoiding, lazy, or self-sabotaging. Probably all. I'm afraid of failing, afraid of change, afraid of working harder than I already do and what that might lead to. I could live with a very little less, but a cheaper home doesn't exist here - it would be a slum. Even a roommate won't save much money. Only as a couple with no kids can people afford a decent life here.

Can't save, can't leave. Trying to scrape and buy my way into a better life. The only answer is to work even harder still, no matter my limitations. If only I had been born in the 60s or 70s I would own a home with the same job. If only I had been born into a non-broken family, I would have more support - the kind I need and crave. If only, if only. It's so hard to not give up when I look at my situation. It looks insurmountable.

I could have help, all it would cost me is the little self-worth I have. Crawl back to the abusers with my tail between my legs because they were all right about me. Or put myself into a risky situation by asking my boyfriend for help. I'm still scared of that. What if we break up but I'm financially indebted or tied to him? It terrifies me, honestly.

Instead I keep fighting on alone. It's foolish and it"s killing me slowly, but right now I can't see any alternative. It's the only way I believe I can feel good about myself because the judgements of others still affect my weak sense of self so much. Self-worth is a long-term goal worth more than money. I just haven't reached the point yet where I can actually not care about money. That's a luxury of the financially secure. And the strain of poverty on mental health is a weight few can bear well. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Keep telling myself that, too.

Movement for the Better wrote: "I keep fighting on alone...Self-worth is a long-term goal worth more than money."

I guess that's the ride we're all on, Movement for the Better. Money has always seemed, to me, like a nuisance that can hide or distract from finding true self-worth. Having retired from a lifetime of low-paying artistic sorts of jobs, it's dreadful to see what's left in reserve. But piles of money isn't the only form of wealth, either. Not by a long shot.

Which is just my way of saying I feel your angst in so much of what you've shared here. Really, for many of us, sharing here is our only outlet for the self-worth you write so well about. You're doing it, and finding your essential self is worth more than caving to all the artificial pressure of conforming to anything other than that precious self-worth.

mftb, i admire your persistence and determination thru all this.  you keep hanging on despite what's going on around you.  keep it up - you're an inspiration, actually.  we all need you just the way you are.  big hug.

Have been having a difficult day.

I slept most of the day. When not sleeping I've mostly been refreshing social media or spacing out in a video game.

I have important (to me) things to do but I have been avoiding them. So much so that I've done some cleaning and home improvement that I had procrastinated on for over a month. I cleaned out the rotten stuff from my fridge, took out the garbage and de-cluttered.

I'm feeling so lonely, and like I can't reach out until I take care of business. I even feel sad that it's a quiet day on the forum. My inner critic is very active today. The things I am not doing are setting me up for failure. Part of me thinks I can't succeed, won't succeed, don't deserve to succeed.  Alternately, coming back to this post a few hours later, I remember that it's ok to not be able to handle more right now. And that if I fail, it's one failure, or a temporary failure, not a lifetime. It's ok to be gentle with myself. I'm just not used to what gentleness and self-compassion feel like. But these bad days give me a chance to learn. So there's that silver lining I always need.

Despite the low energy and mood, I went and bought healthy food today, and cooked a meal for myself (first in a couple weeks). It was macaroni, but still. I have food for the week, fruit and veggies. I had to put groceries on my credit card which is getting dangerously close to being maxed out.  I have "latte" supplies to cut down on my sbux habit. I just have to take the time in the morning to make myself a nice drink to start the day off right.

All these things I do, they make me look ok on the outside. But it's so hard to have anyone take me at face value that I'm not ok. And so I end up "playing along", fawning, I guess. All because I don't have the confidence or strength to keep fighting for more. I tell my Dr I'm "ok" because it feels too vast and complex to try and explain my daily suffering and anxiety, to have to try to work with new meds, or to navigate a new therapy relationship.  I know this is so self-defeating but I have so much trouble pushing myself any further. Spells of taking better care of myself are outnumbered by self-neglect. Each time I rise back up, it seems a little higher, though, so I know I will eventually come back into a better spell.

All I can do is hope this is just part of my late-summer downturn and that it will lift before too long. This is all temporary and I am not going to be alone for long.

It's 2:40am and I've been up since 1am. I need to be up at 5am to prepare for my driving exam. I went to bed around 8pm. Why so early? Because I was tired then, and because this happens in one form or another, every night. I got 5 hours of sleep so far. I hope to still get another 2 before 5am. That would give me 7. A good night's sleep. But there are many nights that I only get 3 or 4.

I only get 8 or more on days where I don't do much but sleep.  I think I have those days because my nights are like this. I can function on 5 hours of sleep. Not the best, but passable for a day or two. But lack of sleep really exacerbates my depression and I've learned to prioritize sleep, as much as I can get, when I can get it. Continual sleep-debt means I tend to crash, too. This all feeds into diet, which feeds back into sleep. It's such a complicated knot to untangle, and despite "better" spells, I've never slept well. Occasionally I've rested well. When that happens, the difference in my mood is astronomical.

I always shake my head internally when parents complain about the lack of sleep. I understand that it's bad, and that it's the short intervals that are the killer. But for a parent it lasts for generally 2 years at most before a child starts sleeping through the night. For me, this interrupted sleep is my life.

Despite all this, and discussing it with Dr's and psychiatrists over the years, I don't have a chronic insomnia diagnosis, or any other obvious health issue that causes this.  I am not medicated to try and regulate sleep. It's just another way I look normal on the outside, but my actual life is far from it. I manage, but despite seeking help and trying many things over the yeara, have not found any "cure".

I'm actually in a decent mood now. Hope it holds for the week. I could really use the boost in positivity. At this weird moment in the middle of the night, things seem ok.

this sleep deprivation stuff, uneasy sleep, interrupted sleep - i'm convinced it's all symptoms of  the c-ptsd beast.  it's so awful.  i'm so thankful that i have the opportunity to take naps during the day.  otherwise i'd fall asleep no matter what i was doing (toward the end, i'd fall asleep at my desk while reading reports).  it really is horrible attempting to function without proper sleep.

i hope this gets settled for you as quickly as possible, mftb.  as far as looking 'ok' to the world, i get it.  i get how much energy it takes to do that,  and how much it would take to talk to the docs about it, about your reality.  it just sucks.  sending you a hug of strength and energy to enable you to do what you need to do to take care of you the best you can.  hangin' right beside you with this, my dear.   

Some really good news! I passed my test and got my driver's license.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I had a really long review with my instructor and towards the end of it I was getting very flustered and unfocused. He's an impatient man and had one of those student wheels. He'd grab control of the steering when he got impatient and I didn't get a really good feel for how to do some things so I was worried and wondering why I. Was getting so upset. Then I realized he was making me flash back to my M!

Once I realized that and had a break before the test, I was able to relax a bit and did much better on my own. Phew! Quite the realization.

One more big thing that was hanging over my head is checked off the list of stuff that holds me back. I took the day off for the test, and I have the rest of the day to relax and celebrate. Check and check.

 !!!! :thumbup:      :applause: :applause: :applause:    :cheer:    !!!!!

kudos, mftb.  so very happy for you!!!    :applause:

Thank you, everyone. I don't think I could have done it without the outlet and support I've found here. I worked reasonably hard, but not *too* hard this time. The time was right and I was ready.

Had a rough day yesterday. Woke up in a panic in the middle of the night. Managed to calm myself enough to get a little more sleep but my mood was a bit off all day. My panic was work related. As it stands I am a day, maybe two behind on an important deadline. This isn't really my fault. As always, it seems to be a terrible time for my partner and so I have trouble connecting with them and getting the information I need out of them. These delays snowball into the rest of my workload. I have another project with another partner and it's the same thing, too. So my panic is how I can ever meet my deadlines when people are like this. I try to channel "not my circus, not my monkeys" but it is my circus and for better or worse the ringleaders are acting like monkeys. Me, in terms of seniority, I'm the guy sweeping up the peanuts and elephant poop at the end of the night.

I'm heading out for some long weekend camping with my boyfriend. Part of me wants to work in my idea  a little over the weekend. The other part of me just wants to relax. Can I give myself permission to do that?

Woke up in the middle of the night last night, too. My Inner Critic got on a tear about my appearance and my body. I had been letting myself go lately. Will try to make more of an effort.

Anyway, a break from the city will be wonderful. A last blast of summer. I will enjoy it.

enjoy your time off.  you can absolutely give yourself permission to do exactly what you want. 

that's the worst thing about working with a team, is when others don't pull their own weight and throw you off the track.  so very sorry to hear that's going on with you.  i do hope everything works out all right.  big hug.

Awake in the middle of the night, again. Tired but unable to sleep. Tossing and turning for over an hour. Trying to keep work thoughts at bay. Was exhausted by 8pm, so I went to bed like usual. And now I'm awake like usual and hoping to get a couple more hours in. The pursuit of quality sleep is probably the dominant health issue in my life but people constantly glorify sleeping less and working more. I think those are people who don't actually struggle with fatigue, nightmares or bad dreams, or sleep disturbances. I loathe that, sadly. The second I wake I start battling unwanted work or family thoughts.

I think I can try to sleep again. I am one month out from a week off. I need it so badly. Basically just going g day by day, trying to do just a little bit more than I feel capable of so a tiny bit of progress is made. It's the best I can do. If oy my best yielded satisfaction. And a good night's sleep.

Quotebut people constantly glorify sleeping less and working more

Seems to me sometimes when I run across people like this, they're oblivious of their own rushing about to be a 4F flight response. Just a thought...hope you get to your week off before you know it!
:heythere:

The question of the day is: how did I get to be so afraid of the things I love?

I've slept better this week. Last night was a bona fide good sleep. The night before was a long sleep. Long is good but good is better.

I waffle about wanting to break up with my boyfriend. I love him, and after some difficult growing pains I have a much better idea of what a healthy relationship is like. He's good to me and he's respectful. But in the long term, I know I want a life partner. He's not in that position, and might be keeping himself there because that's where he wants to be. And it's fine for now. I think about the fact that I generally sleep "better" alone, and need alone time to process things sometimes, or go for a walk, or a much needed nap. I think about how codependent I can be. And all of that makes me realize that what I share with him is pretty good for me. I decided to just enjoy the present. There's still a corner of me worrying about the future and how I'm not "available" for my future partner. But for now I have as much as I want to keep me busy and through careful communication and I am mostly content, which I think is a realistic and relatively sustainable state of being.

As far as how I became afraid of the things I love, it comes down to me being gullible. My inner child looks so desperately for approval from others to replace what she was lacking in the first place. When I am ruled by my inner child, I take things more literally and seriously than I ought to. I believe things others say that are subjective. Adult me sees how this causes me to be hurt.

For a long time I think I believed my inner child was "me". Now I think that the real "me" is this adult me, and that my inner child is a part of me who sometimes comes to prominence.

... Unless this is all rational dissociation... Hahaha, it's thinking that will drive me mad. At least I feel pretty relaxed today. Will let this all marinate my brain for a while and see what the results are.

personally, mftb, it doesn't sound like a rationalization to me.  it made perfect sense, unless we're rationalizing on the same wave length - hahaha!!!   

as far as your boyfriend goes, if it's working for you right now, so be it.  i think we need to be very personal and individual about these kinds of things.  i've heard others speak quite similarly about a relationship that wasn't 'together', so to speak, but it was what they were needing at the time.  no shame, no blame, no judgment.  we do what we can when we can.

i'm just so very glad you've gotten some sleep lately.  yahoo!!!   being someone who has sleep problems, i understand completely.  not being able to sleep is the worst.

progress is progress.  it all counts.  big hug to you.

Thank you, San! Oh boy, have I ever been thinking of you, with the hurricanes and the earthquake in Mexico. I hope you and everyone close to you is ok.

A year ago today, I wrote this about the man I cheated with. A year later, it feels applicable to the man I call my boyfriend.

"It's too complicated and I am ashamed I was vulnerable, thinking our openness with each other meant some kind of emotional bond was developing. I like his attention, but I am learning it is not real desire and I deserve better. Eventually I will get it. I know cognitively that I am the gatekeeper of acceptable relationships and behaviours, but emotionally I am still learning."

It's unfortunate that a year later I still have these kinds of thoughts about the men I date. I suppose I forget or turn away from life's lessons easily. I "know" a lot of "right" things but living according to these things is so difficult.

I've been feeling that the man I date primarily is seeing me as a charity case, rather than actually wanting to be with me, as he did at the beginning of the relationship. But this could also be my ICr grabbing onto any perceived changes in the relationship and using them to belittle me. And at the beginning of the relationship, both his attention and mistakes would send me into an EF. Not so, now. So there has been some progress and learning. I might wish I was further along, but if I take a step back, I can see myself with kinder eyes and remember that I am worthy of care, compassion and attention, and I do get these things now, just not as often as I would like in my life going forward.

Oh MFTB,
This is hard.  I'm so glad you are looking at yourself kindly and acting from the knowledge that you are wothy of genuine compassion and of attention.  It's a bitter pill knowing that being with those who don't treat as as we are worth being treated is harmful.  I think it is a therapeutic pill in the long run, but it hurts.

TRIGGERS in this post for gender violence.


I'm working on setting boundaries. I think the (recurrent)  fear of (violent)  pushback usually stops me from having effective boundaries. I EF into anticipating an explosion that rarely comes. And that fear, anticipation and unpredictability terrorize me enough that I would usually rather let people take advantage of me than face possible wrath. I even offer to put myself at disadvantage rather than face what my imagination conjures.

I can't even say this is based on just my inner child. I have experienced violent reprocussions to my actions as an adult, too. And it's left me with the false notion that if I could just say or do the right thing, nothing bad can happen.

I did emdr on an act of gender violence perpetrated against me. The conclusion was that I had actually protected myself in the best way I could at the time, especially as the male bystanders did nothing. Interestingly, in my bigger picture now, I see how that one incident doesn't rule me, but fits a bigger pattern in my life.

What really happened was that I froze as I was explicitly threatened and attacked verbally. I wasn't hit but was trapped and threatened so angrily that it was like being hit. I was inches from his face. So I froze,and let him terrorize me. If I had said anything or resisted at all I would probably have been beaten. I let him invade my space, trample my boundaries, and harm me, because to do otherwise was likely life-threatening.

These are the kinds of choices women have to make. And this is why for me having boundaries is so hard - because me defending myself, many times in my life, has resulted in violence against me, from childhood right into adulthood.

It's not just me reassuring my inner child that it's healthy and safe to set and enforce boundaries. I have to reassure my adult self as well. Aside from dissociating, I can't think of a way to protect myself from harm with regards to boundaries. I know that violence is one of the least likely results of stating a boundary, but the memory is imprinted in my lizard brain, and I think I understand now that I will have to confront it again and again until I become numb to it, of I gain enough positive experiences to overwhelm it.

And so it goes with so many aspects of life for me. It's not logical and it's not visible, but I fight probably hundreds of internal battles of different intensities every day. I'm grateful that at least here, people can empathize.

I learned that my childhood pet finally had to be put down after well over two decades of life. I feel "sad" about it but not really, if that makes sense. He outlived the normal lifespan by probably 7 years at least, so it wasn't exactly a surprise. And I know he had a good life.

But last night I had a dream that I was cuddling him and crying. And just now some tears have snuck up on me. So there is some grief there. I find my original detachment, the dream, and my sadness 24 hours later, all odd. Am I sad about him, or about a final tie to my childhood that has been severed? Both, I suppose. I haven't lived with that pet in over 15 years, though I saw him when visiting my family.

Time slides on and familiar things slip away. That is sad, but it also makes room for new familiarities. So I tell myself.

Each week seems to get harder. It's part of the flow of work. This week was extremely physically demanding. The last few weeks I've not slept well during the week, but wanted to sleep away every free hour. I've been eating terribly and then crashing out around up each night but still wake in the middle of the night. Today I probably slept 13 hours off and on from 7pm last night. I was so groggy all day and didn't really wake up until 8pm.

I've been moving and thinking slower these days. I'm just trying to ride out my time until my vacation in a week. It's all I can do to stay on top of work. I have nothing left after. I've been avoiding everything in life for the most part. I haven't listened to my voicemail in 2 months. On my vacation I will see my Dr. and say how poorly I am doing. I don't know how to help myself out of my problems and that scares me. I've been having more and more pain lately and I think that excaberates everything else.

I feel like the only way I can be healthy enough to work is through a life of extreme discipline, because that's what managing C-PTSD seems to require of me. But it's a life of little joy and less spontaneity. Fatigue and basic functionality are all I have these days. Little self care or good health. Yet I keep hoping that things will get better if I keep hanging on. Hope is the one thing I do somehow have, most of the time.

I've just noticed that I hit page 20. That was the arbitrary limit I set myself for this journal becoming too unwieldy. It feels like a good time to close this chapter and move on, and refocus on my well-being. I don't think I will post again til sometime during my vacation. Despite the difficulties I have, I think about how far I have come in a little over a a year,  and I am proud of that.

mftb: "I think about how far I have come in a little over
a year,  and I am proud of that." Well put, and thanks for the insights and courage to share the hard slog the rocky road entails. It's good to see it become true movement for the better.

:thumbup:   :applause:  :hug: