Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

If anyone here has their trauma come up with doctors, consider having a note put in your chart about "medical trauma." That way the health system doesn't have to know it's CPTSD, but they will be more careful. There can be a backlash or stigma with anything, so it's important to consider. But for me, it's been life changing.

The appointment today went so well. She came in and asked the usual questions, then gave me one sentence about how pain and trauma can be related and therapy can help, then moved on. She expressed no doubt about the pain, asked me for numbers.  She gave me several medications to try and referred me to other specialists. She has a plan for me to get better and a series of steps and procedures we can do one at a time to see what will work. Then, "So, medical trauma. How do you want the exam to go? Here's what I'd usually do and here's the information I'd be looking for...." I was given say over each step. We skipped some things, we could get the data later if needed or she used an external ultrasound or other method instead. She was paying attention when describing the next step and said, "Well I can see on your face that's a no, and that's fine..." And she was so careful.

Again, I feel like a person today. I have dignity. I'm a human being among other human beings. There's help and care. I feel peaceful and quiet inside.

And I did my three meals and water, and painted with my friend.

[NarcKiddo]

  

[sanmagic7]

wow!  hannah1, just wow!  what a difference.  i've always liked caregivers who tell me what they're about to do, check in with me, all that jazz, and it sounds like you hit a gold mine with this one.  kudos to her for being so careful!  i'm just glad for you it was an experience that was helpful in so many ways.  now, on the road to recovery, right?

and congrats on not only the self-care but also for painting w/ your friend.  it sounds like a fulfilling day.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

HannahOne, I'm sorry you've had trauma with medical stuff, but I can relate.  In my case, it was dental.  There were multiple visits with multiple dentists that were not good, and their work didn't last.  But one visit takes the cake.  I should've walked out mid procedure, it went so wrong.  Had to call off work the next day because I was still in shock.  Anyway, since then I moved, and at the new dentist I directly told them that I'd had some very bad experiences, I was anxious, and I was very tense and nervous.  They were so good.  Maybe they put it in my file.  I did tell them the 2nd time I was there.  Haven't felt the need to since then.  They've been so good, I don't really get anxiety going there anymore.

I agree that letting them know is a game changer.

I really should follow your example better of eating 3 meals and drinking enough water.  Someday.

It sounds like today went well.  That's pretty awesome.

[HannahOne]

Thank you NarcKiddo, ZenRacer, SanMagic7 for reading and commenting, and cheering, NK! 

How do we find good therapists? I know I need someone who understands parts work and CPTSD dissociation. I would like someone who does TIST but they're hard to find. I need someone who can pay attention to the somatic.

I really want more of a therapeutic relationship where I can learn how to relate, experience myself in a new way, have corrective experience. I'm finding some therapists seem really married to their modality, or want to put me through their protocols.

 Some say their protocol really works, it takes a year, etc... and that just triggers me. I get so nervous on the phone. Anything that feels like applying a method to me feels too much like abuse, and narc abuse. Anyone else feel that way? It's so tempting to think, oh if I just do this 50 week protocol I'll be healed! But I've done that over and over, I've been CBT'd DBT'd and ACT'd... EMDR'd....

now I have people telling me oh they do EMDR differently now with this new protocol.... um no. I just can't put myself through any more trauma processing. Am I wrong?

I can't have a generalist who wants to work with people who have depression, relationship challenges and work stress. I need someone who wants to work with trauma.

But it's hard to find someone who wants to work with ME, and my trauma, who doesn't also want to run me through their trauma protocol.

Maybe I just need a solid psychodynamic therapist.

Open to thoughts, suggestions, experiences.

[zen_racer]

I'm offering a hug, HannahOne, if that's okay.  I'm sorry, but I don't have any answers.  I tried to find a therapist for years before I finally found the one I just saw for the first time.  Maybe that was a good thing, because before I didn't know what I was dealing with, and wasn't looking for a therapist specifically experienced with cptsd.  I feel very lucky to have found one, but still haven't been through any protocols.  I'm hoping it goes well.  While I'm at it, I'll hope you find a good therapist like what you need.

[TheBigBlue]

Hannah, there was something really moving and grounded in this whole thread. I really loved the reflections about softness and self-care. But I also relate to what you wrote about needing attunement and relationship more than feeling "run through a protocol." Your nervous system sounds very clear about wanting something collaborative and human-centered, not something imposed onto you. I'm glad you keep listening inward anyway, even when the answers are complicated. 💛

[SenseOrgan]

I feel you HannahOne. For me too therapy needs to be truly client centered. It's common for therapists to claim this, while not understanding it. Attunement is of the utmost importance. It needs to be at the core of the therapy. The model needs to be of secondary importance, and many therapists are in love with their modality of choice. It's also highly personal with whom therapy would work and with whom not, regardless of the modality. Personalities need to line up in order for the therapy to be safe enough. Your body knows.
My suggestion would be to look at AEDP or PSIP. The latter doesn't need to involve psychedelics. This thread could help too. Good luck. It's really challenging to find a suitable therapist. It's not you.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know. I lucked out with my T. I started working with her on an online platform that was basically CBT, and I mainly picked her because I liked her photograph. We both realised the CBT platform was not a framework that would help and we moved to private zoom sessions. She doesn't use a protocol with me at all (that I know of), but I think her approach is mainly psychodynamic and she is used to working with trauma. I don't get homework and the sessions are always led by what I want to talk about. Sometimes it feels like I am doing all the work. She is not one of those silent people you just talk at but she will make me work to reach for a solution or approach that could help my inner children rather than making lots of suggestions. It can be a bit frustrating at times (why can't she just HELP ME and TELL ME WHAT TO DO TO MAKE IT BETTER?) but in truth with a mother who only ever told me what to do it is important I find my own way as much as possible now.

Perhaps no protocol means there is no apparently objective way to show if I am making progress but I can say that I do notice that I have made big progress when I look back to the EFs I had when I first started working with her and what happens now, or when I think how I handled my FOO back then and how I handle them now.

I don't know how you feel about working on the likes of zoom but if you are OK with that it does open up a much wider range of possibilities than if you need to see someone in person.

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, no you're not wrong.  i, myself, am an EMDR therapist (ret.) and used to work w/ troubled/traumatized adol. girls.  i found the best results w/ that population was when i was creative, looked outside the 'protocols', and worked from my heart.  that's the type of therapist i'm also looking to find.

there is a newer technique in the EMDR family called 'Flash Technique' that i used regularly w/ a previous therapist which gave me excellent results.  it was not a protocol, per se, but another way of coaxing the mind to unravel the trauma threads that had been implanted so they could go free and leave. the trauma doesn't have to be revisited, the emotional component is contained, and i've found it to be very efficient even while it 'takes care of business'.  just a thought.

besides that, i have had a terrible time trying to find a new therapist, have fired 2 already this year, have passed on 2 others.  we know what we need, what's going to fit for us, what kind of relationship will 'click' and therefore allow us to get thru the hard stuff in the least distressing way.  may i encourage you to keep looking.  i'm hanging my hat on the hope that there's someone out there for both of us.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

i, myself, am an EMDR therapist (ret.) and used to work w/ troubled/traumatized adol. girls.  i found the best results w/ that population was when i was creative, looked outside the 'protocols', and worked from my heart.

Hannah, therapists with san's mindset have always been the best for me too. Presently, I'm working with an occupational therapist on my traumatic stuff. Of course, it's going to be rare that an OT can help with this kind of stuff, but he is actually the second one to do so for me. It's not EMDR but inner child work mostly done by me, somatic work with both of us keeping an eye, and him just knowing thru actual OT how I best function and what technical/handywoman stuff I need help with so as not to get overwhelmed and especially so that my inner children don't get overwhelmed again, which just backfires. I'm not sure if I'm able to completely resolve the trauma with my OT but it's certainly better than no resolve at all on tasks for which I need my hands. Even very good trauma therapists with tons of experience with cptsd and dissociative forms etc just don't understand my blockages with mildly technical stuff.

I've got a lot of therapy including different methods from one on one work and group work under my belt, without which I wouldn't be so able to work with my OT on multiple different things. But yes thinking outside the box, very important for the T to be able to do for me, and undoubtedly others.

I may come back to this later, as I have more to say but writing is often kind of exhausting for me.

I just wanted to say that every time I see the title of your Journal "Living As All of Me" that reminds me how important it is for me to allow all parts of me to live and thrive! Not just the parts that have always been there, like the part whose safe place is a library (reading, intellectual tasks) but also those whose safe places are doing something creative or going into the garden.

[HannahOne]

ZenRacer, TheBigBlue, SenseOrgan, NarcKiddo, SanMagic7, Blueberry, thank you for sharing your experiences of therapy. It seems like the consensus is to go for the relationship, client centered attunement, and trust my gut. SO, I'm going to see if anyone near me does AEDP.Very interesting that you found a good OT who can help, Blueberry. One of my kids did OT for emotional regulation and it was the best therapy. And SM7 that you are a ret therapist. It's heartening and also sad to hear you've been through a few therapists and passed on some, that's part of the process I guess and it's good we can give ourselves permission to try someone out, pass on them, try someone, leave, keep searching. We only know by going where we have to go, I guess. As Roethke said.

[HannahOne]

The last days were a rush. I don't feel quite normal since the procedures and I don't know if that's the anesthesia, which it can't be, or dissociation, which t must be. I feel fine. But that's the dissociation talking, probably. Probably parts of me are upset at the intrusion of procedures. Hopefully will come more right soon. I'm forgetting things, losing things, and don't feel fully here. I'm trying to talk to myself about this, explain it was just a procedure (two procedures).... why it was important.... I don't seem to be listening. I guess explaining isn't listening. I don't really want to hear how I feel about it.

Frank had his own medical crisis, he went into stasis, he stopped eating. He spent today at the animal hospital on an IV drip of pain meds and fluids. Came home seemingly chipper, zip zapped up and down the hallway several times, then ridiculously hopped back into his carrier basket and sat there expectantly like it was a ship about to set sail. It seems he wanted to go back to the vet for more IV pain meds, LOL. He was disappointed when he wasn't transported. hopped out of the basket, chinned it, thumped. He has to be syringe fed bunny oatmeal, and he made it very difficult. Refused to take much of it. Eat or die, Frank. They're running tests to see what could be causing him to go off his food. Hopefully he'll be out of this by Monday. He's never been sick since I got him. Feeling stressed, I'm not the best nurse when it's my own animal. I snap on the rubber gloves, prepare the mash, load up the syringe, but I find it difficult to force him. I try to explain, eat or die.

At the rehab we have to force feed the baby raccoons, if they dont eat, they die. It's pretty straightforward and grim. We run a tiny tube down their throats, check to make sure the tube is in the stomach not the lungs, and force the entire plunger of formula in. I was a tube fed preemie so I have mixed feelings. it feels traumatic, and also, you don't eat, you die. Pretty straightforward and grim. Somehow it's a lot more mechanical at the rehab. One raccoon after the next, now you, now you, rubber gloves, push tube, load syringe, plunge, rinse, reset, gloves....

This all leads me to think about my eating. TW Food issues...

I don't eat, I die. I need to keep eating three meals a day. I did it every day so far, but the last two days not at the right times. Slippage. My workouts were also lousy this week, I'm weaker, seeing spots, out of breath. I want to get back into making progress. Whatever progress is, LOL. Particle wants to be a wave, wave wants to be a particle.

Still a lot of end of year stuff for kids, must produce a birthday party, a graduation party, clean house, yard, set up games, make food. Eh. Trying to be present for it, be into it. Every day is another once a year special event. Tired of special events and having no routine, dressing up, smiling, "So you're the mother," "Yep, that's me," acting "fine." I want to be here now, I know I'll miss it but I feel not very plugged in.

Did another poetry reading, was ok. Love the crowd, everyone's got a story, a wound, in recovery from something. I wasn't in the right mode so my performance wasn't the best I'm just not all here, but the poems were good to read. Part of me likes the crowd. And being out at night in the city. Like in my 20s in London and Paris and Manhattan, something a little wild about it, I could go anywhere. I lived large, when I could. The place where the reading is is full of art, art classes. I like to be there. I want to find an art studio, an art therapy studio. All of Me will love it. Thinking about a part time job in the arts, but not sure what. Coordinating readings, events, running classes, teaching a class?

Continuing to make life worth living, let every part have a place, listen inside to what I want for myself today, the NARM question. And what can I do for you now, flight part? And what can I do for you now, part that wants to achieve? And what can I do for you now, dissociation? How can All of Me know I am safe here now? Always triangulating and calculating the "progress" and the "results," was it worth it? No, it can never have been worth it. Yes, it had to have been worth it. From there, it had to be worth it, from here, it cannot be worth it. Particle/wave.

[dollyvee]

I know I need someone who understands parts work and CPTSD dissociation. I would like someone who does TIST but they're hard to find. I need someone who can pay attention to the somatic.

I think one of the things that's helped me a lot in the past two years has been seeing a NARM therapist (until it wasn't, but that's another story). They track your physiological responses as you discuss difficult topics, and will then stop you at points to address what's going on in the body. So, it's not just I'm going to ramble on for an hour about what's happening. Some are also trained in somatic experiencing. Ideally, I would like a NARM/somatic IFS therapist with a trauma background etc, but I don't think they exist. When I do go back to a therapist, it will likely be a NARM therapist with somatic training.

Hope Frank gets better.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

Tired of special events and having no routine, dressing up, smiling,

Yeah. I hear you. 

I hope Frank perks up soon. I was going to say I've never had to force feed an animal but then remembered a guinea pig where I had to puree food and syringe it down. Awful. And I've had to administer any amount of medications to recalcitrant pugs. I don't know how they develop the strength of King Kong - or alternatively turn into jelly so you can't get hold of any part of them successfully. Ugh. Yes, I really hope Frank perks up soon.

I hope you feel better soon too. I think you said you have some lung issues and that can make the anaesthesia a bit harder, I believe. And you're very likely right that there is some dissociation in the mix. Interesting that you don't want to hear about how you feel. It's good that you're trying to talk to All of You about this, and hopefully the parts that have been most disrupted and don't want to know right now will settle down.