Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

At the doctors today I noticed what was triggering me. It was waiting for him to come in. I was listening to the hallway noise, hearing doors open and close, voices, trying to guess when he might come in. I am going to ask for a new note in my chart asking if they can just leave the door open to my own room. This would be much better for me. The appointment itself was fine, I had to change into a gown for an X-ray and that was ok, I got a steroid shot and that was fine. For the x ray I helped myself to an extra gown as a jacket to feel more covered and I'm glad I did. For the shot they already were prepared to tell me each step before they did it.

Sometimes I am surprised or not expecting the triggers to be what they are. I assume it's one thing, and it's not. I'm interested to try out my new door plan and see how much lower my blood pressure might be without waiting for the doctor to open the door.

I get restless around 4 pm. Part of it is I get hungry. I'm not sure what the other part is. Sundowning, LOL. I decided to just leave today. I'm sitting by the river. It's much better here. The kids don't need me and walking around the house fretting or crying in bed is not good for any of us. I feel calmer here. There are other people sitting by the river too, wanting to enjoy the last of the fall-summer weather. Tomorrow is expected to be colder.

I had a little glitch of grief today. I had planned to wear the navy pinstriped pants to the city tomorrow as the city therapist has worn them twice. I want to keep the conversation going. But not one of my planned tops felt right with them. Meanwhile a chartreuse sweater with brown barrel pants and light blue Mary janes was perfect. I am still sometimes feeling loss of my mother, loss of my old therapist, in need of guidance, or conflicted in how to be. Cool is clarity, people who have a cool factor are cool because they're clear about who they are and it shows in their outfits. I am seeking clarity, with allowance for difference and complexity. Being clear doesn't mean being one thing, it means being intentionally.

I still feel lonely at times and I'm not sure what to do with it. I've given up on making friends for a while. I'm tired. I don't know how much of my feeling alone is from the past, and how much is from the present. Today I had a good bit of interacting and talked to two friends on the phone. I wasn't alone most of the day. Yet there's this feeling that something is wrong, and someone else's presence could make it better. Get me out of my own head. Is that old? Is it now? Is it just what it's like to be an independent adult? Is it part of CPTSD? I think I'd be fine hanging out with a horse but I'm currently horseless. I might reach out to the therapy farm and see if I can visit Felicia. She's a very large throrougbred mare and might be willing to tolerate my mommy projection. She'd probably nip me in the butt so I stop thinking and moping around.    Either that or shove me with her nose into the nearest wheelbarrow full of poop. Snap out of it, HannahOne! I think one reason I'm lonely is it's hard to find people who can relate to All of Me, to this kind of content.

I'm starting to look for community in the art world. Many there have various mental health conditions, or if not, at least know how to feel. I found a very cool thing in a shop the other day, it's a Japanese book of colors. Each page is a color swatch of several colors that you wouldn't think go together, but do. Like my chartreuse sweater and light slightly electric blue denim Mary Janes. It works because both colors are a little electric, bright and light, and the colors are analogous, next to each other on the color wheel. The brown pant in the middle both gives the two colors space and grounds them, and also contrasts. The pants end up being the star of the outfit, sandwiched by the two bright colors. Color theory is so interesting because it's not about the individual colors at all, it's all about how the colors relate, what they look like against each other, how they temper or enliven the one they are next to. Chartreuse wouldn't work in an all black outfit, it would glare like a stoplight, but pair it with a color equally bright and suddenly it's not so bright, it seems harmonious. It's all about relationship.