Living As All of Me

[TheBigBlue]

 

[zen_racer]

HannahOne, I hope this is okay ... 

I don't have any great words of wisdom right now, and I don't know how to respond.

But I'm as present as I can be right now.  I hope your search for a therapist goes well.

[HannahOne]

Zenracer, sanmagic7, Narckiddo, TheBigBlue, thank you for reading along.

I need a therapist to help me find a therapist. LOL.

I've got the one who wants me to do her protocols, with the promise that in a year I'd be recovered. Meanwhile I don't want a protocol applied to me, and I don't want to become "a different person" in a year... I want to accept and be me.

I've got one who called me 7 minutes late. Then cancelled our appointment the morning of. I told her to give me time to get back to her about rescheduling. She immediately proposed some times. When I didn't respond, she wrote that she'd saved me the same time the week following. I responded that I could come to the one she offered the next day. She immediately scheduled it--by sending a link to a virtual appointment. She didn't say she only worked virtually that day and I'd said on the phone I wanted in person. Chaos.

Then there's the one who, when I went to fill out the forms, had an AI form that I have to sign she will record our meetings using AI to take the notes. I've allowed that at medical appointments, but a therapy appointment?! Part of my trauma is being recorded. Um, no.

Then I've got one who will see me, but if we dont do EMDR, she "doesn't know" what we would do. A one trick pony.

I have two left to see.

Meanwhile there just seems to be a run of losses. My kids main activity person is retiring. My kid is crushed. Other kid broke up with their significant other and hasn't gone to school in three days. Partner's mother had a fall. A friend just got diagnosed with cancer. Frank is ill, I'm leaving now to take him back to the vet.

The EFs are hopelessness. Feeling I shouldn't have been born. Feeling like I have failed or done something wrong, self blame. Feeling like I don't want to do anything, futility/despair.

I am trying to turn toward all these feelings and be compassionate.

Not able to sleep the last few days. Not able to eat much. I'm eating now, then taking Frank. Going to visit the newly diagnosed friend and bring them lunch. And just keep getting through each day.

At the wildlife rehab this week, my job was to pluck the heads off 15 grams of mealworms for the bats. I thought I was cool. No problem. Pluck. Pluck. Pluck pluck pluck. Pluck pluck. At 13 g, I realized I was lightheaded. I came to the rehab to improve my karma, not make it worse. I know bats have to eat. But I don't seem to have the stomach for it. I was told I don't have to pluck the heads off the mealworms in the future. I can prepare the raptor, fox and beaver meals instead. One frozen dead rabbit in the fox bowl. Frozen dead mice in the raptor bowls, 35 grams of frozen mice, 57 grams of frozen mice...."kangaroo roll", which is what it sounds like.... oh thank Frank, the beaver gets a lettuce leaf.

I came home and took a hot shower. I am truly unsure how to proceed. I need to keep it going for now because it's a small bit of structure. And I love the people, the place, the animals. I didn't feel sick, or bad for doing it. I just get lightheaded and I'm not sure what that is about. Will I habituate? I hope so.

Here I go to take the day by storm. May it bring good things to myself and other beings. A quiche for my friend with cancer, kibble for the dog. Good things.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope Frank is better soon.

That load of therapist experiences sounds like a barrel of laughs. Not.

I'm sorry all the other things are piling up and I hope you can reach accommodation with the wildlife rehab about things you can do that don't make you lightheaded. It might be worth trying again with the mealworms as it didn't make you feel sick or bad and sounds way better than the raptor and fox meals. Given the health issues you are dealing with it could be something to do with that and the lightheadedness just happened to coincide with the mealworms.