Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

I'm just very frustrated. I'm frustrated that it is so difficult. Why don't I habituate? Why is it so hard to just cut fruit? I feel ashamed.

This resonates. I'm having similar trouble with walking. Walking? Anyway, yeah, something that would seem like a basic life skill that is causing me problems and shame. It's lung problems and my therapist is helping me - but the shame is there all the same. It sucks. Sending a hug to the part of you that is struggling with this, if she's OK with a hug.

As to your thoughts on revealing more about the CPTSD. That is tough and I have been grappling with whether and what to tell my husband for a long time. It became clear to me that he really deserved to know a bit more and I deserved for him to know a bit more. But the "can we have a talk?" is so hard. My method for discussing anything related to this is to toss it around in my head, much like you have done here. I have made sure I am totally clear in my own mind of what the problems are and what points I want to get across. I agree with the others who warn against doing anything if you are in EF territory. That's wise, but I don't think there is any harm in tossing things around in your head and on here at times when you feel up to it. Sometimes the recent, raw experience of an EF can bring helpful clarity to the table while you are in the planning phase.

And then when I am clear, I just wait for a good enough opportunity to arise organically. That's mainly me, because I cannot force the issue and sit him down and make it all about me. If there is an "in" then I can. Maybe he says something, I react unexpectedly, and then we happen to be on the way to the coffee shop which is a safe environment for me so I feel able to offer some more. If he is obviously relaxed, not checking his phone or whatever.

I notice there is a fairly significant part of your text asking them what they think and what their experience is, with some fairly structured questions. I'd personally suggest steering clear of that. Of course they will have questions that they may want to ask at the time or later, but I'd suggest not directing that part of the conversation. Not when you are going through the stress of the first talk at any rate. Maybe just say you expect they will want to know more and that you are happy for them to ask questions, but they must understand that you may not always be able to answer the questions right then. You might get emotional and having a full discussion could take several bites of the cherry. Part of being genuinely open (and therefore trusting and vulnerable) is that you hopefully learn that the person you think is safe is actually safe and will support you. But they are their own person and they will have their own questions, that may not be yours. You are taking a risk that they might ask an unexpected question. Maybe even one you don't want to answer or don't immediately even know the answer to. And I think it would be a healing experience to know that you can deal with that. You can say to them "I don't know" or "That's too tough to speak about right now but maybe we can come back to it another time" and see that those answers are OK. You can protect your parts with those answers if hard questions arise. You do not have to stage-manage the conversation to be safe.

You've got this HannahOne. Even if you do no more than think about this and decide to take no action, you've got this. You can look after All of You, and you are doing so.

[Marcine]

HannahOne, your words are beautiful, coherent, and ring with truth and desire to express your humanity in connection with other humans.

I disagree with some of my friends here on this one— I do not think you should put a hold on sharing. I think there is a world of sharing that isn't all or nothing, and that can respect the need to go at your natural pace. And respect your need to connect.

Even as you explore these deep, complex realms in yourself, you can drop "hints" or as you said float a "trial balloon" with others in your life.

It doesn't need to be a huge sit-down discussion with your loved ones. For example, it could be a small and meaningful "oops there I go thinking I'm 5 years old... you know I was punished pretty bad when I was little. Whew. But it's ok I'll just clean up the spilled tomato sauce. Give me a hand?"

*completely random example.

Also a thought, as mom, remember how you had the birds and the bees talk with your kiddos? It was probably not one, sit down, long discussion, right?

I imagine you opened the door little by little and they asked questions when they were ready to discuss and over the years an understanding was built...

With love,
Marcine

[HannahOne]

SO, SabnMagic7, The Big Blue, Marcine, NarcKiddo, thank you all for the heartfelt and caring comments, whether you're concerned for my safety and asking me to consider more before sharing, or whether you're leaning toward me sharing and concerned for the effects of NOT sharing. I value all your perspectives and they're all valid and so helpful for me to consider.

[HannahOne]

Sense Organ, thank you for your caution. It's very much needed. I don't automatically think about my own boundaries.

SanMagic7, thank you for sharing your experience. It's helpful to know we all may struggle with this problem. Although I'm sad it's been hard for you too.

Marcine, thank you for the suggestion to consider small disclosures in the moment, as with the kids and the birds and the bees talk. That's a really helpful way to think about this that I'm going to consider. If I do it that way, I'll have not opened Pandora's box.

the Big Blue, thank you so much for sharing your experience. And for the image of a map. That's exactly what I would like to do. The way you phrased it is much simpler than how I was thinking about it, the four Fs. That would make sense to anyone and I could use the metaphor of Frank. I am going to continue to think about this.

NK, thank you for sharing your experience and for your thoughts about how to skillfully entertain questions. I am going to think more about that. Of course, I wouldn't naturally think about my own boundaries around this, LOL That's really important for me to think about because I know one person very close to me will have a lot of questions that would make me feel over exposed to answer or would just be too difficult to answer in the moment.

It seems like no one so far finds my description of my difficulty problematic? I didn't plan a big sit down talk, or that my post was the script, I don't even know how to think of it myself but I think my post describes as best I can my experience.

Due to headache I'm going nowhere today other than the hospital tonight for a shot if it doesn't get better. Back to silent darkness. I will check in later.