Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

What I want to remember from today is that once I arrived, I had a wonderful time painting with my friend. It was stabilizing to have the routine. I felt teary a few times, but it was contained within something safe and secure, painting together. It helped me process, much more than staying home in bed and ruminating would have done. And my work is progressing. It feels good to paint because you can see progress, it's a product, you can mark time by the object, orient by it. Oh yes, that's the season when I painted that one, then this one.... they accumulate. Much of my former work left me with no product and all my child-rearing and housekeeping is a repetitive series of actions that.... repeat, without progress. Painting feels orienting that way. and I can now focus on it and be present to it in a way that just a few years ago was extremely difficult .I've trained my brain and hand to attend now, and they mostly do. I think this is a healing activity that I hope to continue even as I get discouraged and think I should stop.

I'm teary and slept only a few hours last night. I'm going to take a rare sleeping medication and try to sleep tonight. I have to get up at 8 30 am to order dance recital tickets of all things, they sell out fast. Fine. Then, I hope to work on my new mashup project. Right now it feels like a brontosaurus, a brontosaurus that I'm worried is going to come apart and leave limbs and scales scattered all over. I am hoping I can wrangle it and that it will ultimately hold together and become a container, a vehicle for what I need to contain.

Love to All of You survivors out there, struggling or surrendering, whatever your state, may you have what you need for today to get to tomorrow.

[TheBigBlue]