Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[Marcine]

Sidebar-  Papa Coco, I deeply relate with your words and experience of "Imprisoning myself behind bars that aren't locked from the outside."
Sometimes I feel that there aren't even bars or a wall, it's an open space that I don't believe I am worthy to cross. Freedom on the other side. The cage is a figment.

[sanmagic7]

SO, i think toxic shame is so  . ..  toxic that it needs to be whittled away slowly, one chip at a time.  hopefully, if we can recognize that one of those chips is gone, we can celebrate that and know we're truly undoing the invisible cage that keeps us stuck as who we aren't.  small steps my friend.  but i think recognizing it for what it is can be considered a pretty big step nonetheless.

Marcine's post reminded me of something i read a long time ago.  an experiment using fish and an aquarium with a piece of glass separating the two sides.  on one side was a predator fish, on the other side were minnows, its favorite food.  time and again, the predator fish tried to get at the minnows, only to be stopped by the barrier it couldn't really see.  time and again, time after time, until it stopped ramming its nose into the glass.

then, the glass partition was lifted, and the minnows were free to swim everywhere in the tank, all around the predator fish.  by this time, however, the pred. was already convinced that those minnows were out of reach, and eventually died of starvation.

it seems we've had similar experiences.  repeatedly not allowed to be who we are, we believe such a thing is out of reach, even after the people who did that to us are no longer in our lives.  the cage is indeed a figment, but we've been groomed so well to believe it's always real that we stop, believing that's our only option forever.  somehow, some way, we've got to find out how to know it's a figment now, and keep ourselves nourished, going against everything we've been taught.  a huge task, indeed.  little by little, tho . . .

[SenseOrgan]

Papa Coco
Thanks for sharing that. It's awful to feel so ashamed that even stepping outside feels dangerous. It's been like this forever for me. I'm tired of it. I'm sorry this is your reality too. HUGS back atcha my friend 

HannahOne
Yes, the nervous system does this under perceived threat. Sometimes I feel like I have a bit of a choice in going along with it or not, other times it's overhwelming. It's the former moments I'm after to use to my advantage. Like just happened today.

Marcine
Rarely have I felt more validated and supported. Thank you my friend. The allure to standng on that other leg is strong. Good Much love right back atcha.

sanmagic7
Yes, this takes persistent small steps towards a new normal. No problem. I'm not a revolutionary. I'm an evolutionary. Thanks for sharing that intriguing experiment. That's learned helplessness taken to the extreme. I think our version can be deadly too, to be honest. Albeit less overtly.
I'm not sure if I had that insight after somthing started to shift in me or the other way around. In any case, seeing this clearly almost feels like I have no good reason to hide myself in interaction with others. There's something about that visual representation of that change triangle that's lovingly relentless to me. Am I going to keep hiding, or am I going to inhabit my rightful place in this world? It has to be the latter. I owe it to myself.




A few days ago I got a mail from the community garden. We could order compost. There was a limited quantity. First come, first served. I rushed to fill out the digital form. Hesitated a bit with the amount I needed, since it's a significant chunk of what's available. Is it greedy? I didn't change the amount. That whas a bit of a hurdle to take in my mind. But it felt good too. This is the amount I need for the way I kick off a garden. Considering the amount of compost that's offered, that's not what people seem to do around here. But I do.

Today I verified if the amount was granted to me. It turns out I got only half of it, because I was just in time for the last bit. And the person asked me to consider if I even need such a big amount. So clearly I'm doing something that wasn't expected. I felt an impulse to make do with what was granted to me. Then changed my mind. I wrote an e-mail in which I said I'd like to have 3 extra m3 of compost delivered to the terrain, and asked if that could be done using their contact. I went on to say that a proper layer of compost is the backbone of the no-dig method of gardening I have good experience with. And that a start like this will be well worth it for me, especially with soil that's filled to the brim with weed seeds. I didn't fawn. I owned what I know works and how I want to do this. No apologies, no shoving me aside myself, no regrets. It's like I shifted gears and stepped into the person I want to be. Am, without toxic shame.

[TheBigBlue]

    

[HannahOne]

There's something profound about stepping into what you know and need when what you know and need is adequate compost to grow a garden!

 

[Chart]

God that's a great feeling, isn't it, SO!

I did something similar yesterday. Called a guy on the phone and explained that I didn't think their behavior was appropriate. The guy tried the lame excuse of being innocent and just doing as he was told. I called BS on that (politely) and then when he accused me of being rude I honestly responded, no, I'm telling you what I think, and stating it calmly and factually. We hung up on totally correct terms, and I know he got the message and I injected a tiny drop of "this could be a better world" if our awareness was a little expanded into a very thick skull somewhere. I was all jittery in my body after the conversation, but boy did I feel a solid sense of satisfaction. I stood up for the client, but I also stood up for myself in the midst of the call itself, not to mention having thought it through and taken the initiative to put myself out there.

Bravo to you SO for doing what you did. Maybe we are actually moving forward. It so helps to know we're together in all this.
  

[TheBigBlue]

Bravo SO. Bravo Chart. 

[NarcKiddo]

Well done SO. I hope you get your compost delivered.

[sanmagic7]

well done to both of you, SO and chart!  inspiring examples of taking your place and space on this earth.  SO, standing up for yourself, for what you need, was definitely taking back and owning your power.  very glad for you!  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

I'm very impressed with both of you SO and Chart, well done! Yes, you are definitely going places!   

[HannahOne]

I was rereading and saw the assertion of self--- "I do." That clarity is important. And the courage to act on it.

[SenseOrgan]

TheBigBlue, HannahOne, Chart, NarcKiddo, sanmagic7, Desert Flower
Thank you very much for your support and for reading! Right on Chart! 




Important day yesterday. Woke up quite dysregulated. Couldn't really regulate. Two important appointments that day. The first with the housing agency with regards to the noise issue from other tenants. I was totally ready for that before it got rescheduled. Yesterday, I wasn't.

First I went for a run, in the hope of shedding some stress and sleep funk. The run went better than it did the past month or so. That was nice to notice. The stress and sleep funk didn't leave me alone though. The more I thought about the appointment, the less I felt up for it. The stress was increasing and I drifted into overwhelm waters. Not good. After some wrestling with it, it occurred to me that I had the option to propose to reschedule. I could definitively go to the appointment, but the other one was much more important to me, and I didn't want to mess it up with this one. So finally I made the decision to cancel. It felt like the right thing to do when I allowed myself to have that option. I called and was put on hold. I wasn't going to wait indefinitely and only gave it a minute or so. That's out of character for me. I switched to e-mailing, which isn't ideal a few hours before the appointment. But I stopped caring about how it would be received. Out of character, again. I briefly explained that I have a sleep disorder and aren't in a good space at the moment, asking to reschedule. Nothing overly dramatic or explanatory. Still honest. As soon as I had sent it, it was no longer my problem, no matter the reception.

The other appointment was a zoom call with two people from the local CPTSD support group I hope to join. I was pretty nervous for that. It felt like a lot was at stake there for me. A while ago I had sent them an e-mail in which I introduced myself. I had expected that they thought I would be a good match for the group, but I got a reply which surprised me a bit. They had leads that I was, and also a few that I may not be a match for the group. As per normal procedure, they proposed to have a zoom call to figure this out together. Their hesitation had immediately triggered despair, even though I understood that I either am or ain't a fit for the group, they didn't refuse me, and this is normal procedure for them. It should match both ways too. Fair enough. But it was a pretty significant trigger for me. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys to bits and this community is dear to my heart. But in person meetings are different from online communication. I'd have two a month with this group.

I was a lot more nervous than I thought I would be during the call. After a while, my whole body began to tremble. I had involuntary muscle contractions all over. This is something that began happening sometimes several years ago. Usually when I'm interacting with people and revealing things about myself. Mostly in situations where I feel safe enough, but not entirely safe either. I used to be able to keep all of that stress hidden inside. For decades. That isn't an option anymore. It's probably for the better, but it does make me feel exposed and vulnerable. And it makes it harder to concentrate and be present. That went well enough, considering my somatic response. The two people were very kind and open, and I think I did a relatively okay job giving them an impression of who I am. I was pretty chaotic, but I think I managed to communicate the most important things and take away some of the concerns they had. The latter seemed to be mainly about my support system, and having to do a bit of traveling to and from the meetings. I see no issues there myself, but it's a good sign they are taking this into account. The two people came across really professional, despite it being entirely a non-professional self-help group. We're going to let it rest for a couple of days and e-mail how we think about it. I already know this isn't going to change for me. It's a clear yes.

If we all agree, I'll be attending three group meetings to test the waters irl, after which we can all really know if I'm a match. So a lot of caution built in, which speaks for them. I have a lot of experience with support groups and group therapy. I'd be surprised if this wouldn't work out. But there aren't any guarantees, off course. I don't think I'll get rid of all my nerves around this until I know if I can or can't attend the first three meetings.

[NarcKiddo]

Well done for recognising what you needed and rescheduling the meeting with the housing agency.

As to the support group - I hope you are able to attend the three test meetings. Although you are likely correct in thinking that you are a good fit, to me it bodes well that they are being very careful about letting you in. They have an existing group to protect, after all, and it is also good that they are concerning themselves with what support system you might have, even though you are not part of the group yet. I have not been to an in person group but I have experience of an OOTS zoom group. It was very hard and scary for all of us when we started the group. That much is obvious, of course. But we had quite a big hurdle when a group member left and there was a space for one more. Because the existing group felt a lot of conflict. On the one hand we of course wanted to be able to help other members and let someone into the group. On the other hand there was a very real fear that the group dynamic would be heavily disrupted. I think we all felt it would be temporarily disrupted - how could it not? But the fear was that there would be a permanent shift and maybe existing members would not feel safe any more. We did not want any new member to feel they had inadvertently made someone feel unsafe. Lots to think about. I think because we gave it so much thought, and took our time about admitting a new member, it worked out as well as it possibly could have done. Because it was an OOTS group we had the benefit of seeing the post history of the person who wanted to join, which helped. I am sure you are fully aware of all these considerations on the other side of the fence. But I wanted to type them here just in case there is a small part of you feeling rejected because you felt an instant "yes" and they didn't.

 

[sanmagic7]

SO, i applaud your courage and fortitude in wielding your power for your own greater good.  well done!   i smiled at the thought of you allowing yourself to do what you needed to do, i.e., email, and let the outcome be on their shoulders.  to me, that shows a lot of growth and forward movement. 

as far as the new group is concerned, this is where the difference lies between your own greater good and the greater good of the group.  i've often cringed when i've heard - we have to sacrifice someone for the greater good - type of sentiment.  i don't believe that's the case here.  this is not doing something for personal gain, but literally for mental and emotional protection. i'm glad that group is taking so many precautions - i think it's a sign for you as well that if you were to join, you can be assured they have your back as a group member.

so glad for you.  and i agree - seeing someone face to face, or sharing space is a lot different than typing responses.  scarier in some ways, but ultimately a degree of intimacy that cannot be found thru a keyboard.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

SenseOrgan, I was happy for you that you were able to reschedule your housing appointment, and not over-explain! Hooray for being direct and clear about what you want and need and self-advocating!

I'm glad you were able to ride out your somatic response and stay with the call. It sounds like the group is being careful with your safety and wanting to ensure you have the support you need to participate. It makes sense that you'd be triggered by it possibly not working out. It's courageous to take this risk. And it's something you really want, you want an in-person context to be yourself. Holding hope that it will be good for you and bring you what you are looking for.