Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[HannahOne]

I haven't posted or replied before so not sure how this will show up. But I related to your post number 8. I appreciate you sharing it here.

Nightmares are the worst.

I was thinking how I have been trying to "update" myself. Not so much to change myself, but to update, to become fully present in the present as I presently really am. To realize my actual age, and also to show up as that age in the world in a way that's recognizable. I have a youthful spirit or energy, people often remark. I was often passed over at work as seeming "too young," and not taken seriously. Sometimes I feel younger than I am, I feel immature compared to others.  Other times I feel very old, like my life is already set and done and I'm exhausted. I guess it's not the years, it's the mileage. I'm 50.

I too have become very isolated, for me it's been in the last five years, and going out and about to make connections feels scary, hopeless, and also interesting. So I keep going. Each day I've been going into a shop and chatting with the owner or worker. I find the more I do this, the more present I feel, and the more "updating" is happening. Sometimes through nightmares where it's like I have to check back and update myself about the past and take delivery of it again with more perspective of my age, sometimes through noticing small progress where I feel I'm taking delivery of the tools and opportunities I now have to connect in ways that feel safe enough.