Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[dollyvee]

Ooof the fact that she's 20 years older just makes it feel like a gross misuse of power, especially if the friendship started when you were a teenager. Good for you for coming to these realizations and setting some boundaries. A gif with no message attached seems like a weak attempt at real friendship and more like "hoovering" to me.

I also had friends from childhood/teenage years where we've gone our separate ways though they were my age. It's a difficult time to navigate and we don't always come out on the other side as the same people that once held the friendship together (funny, as I'm writing this I'm recalling a recent dream that I forgot and feeling very emotional because I was explaining to one friend precisely why I stopped being friends with another that she is still friends with, which was because when a silver bracelet went missing while I was visiting her, and I knew precisely where I left it, she sided with the roommate who I think took it. This friend also came "back" a few years later when she heard what I was doing, that I must be doing well etc, and wanted me to use my skills to do something for her when I didn't even get an invite to her wedding. I think the issue was not being stood up for that made me feel so emotional in the dream, and I'm glad that you're doing that for yourself.)

[Chart]

It puzzles me I lasted so long with her, and that she was one of the first people I opened up to about my issues.

I can't count the number of relationships that went awry in my teens and twenties. Looking back, I see all these interactions as extensions of the "normal" relationship pattern established by my mother.

This friend also came "back" a few years later when she heard what I was doing, that I must be doing well etc, and wanted me to use my skills to do something for her when I didn't even get an invite to her wedding. I think the issue was not being stood up for that made me feel so emotional in the dream, and I'm glad that you're doing that for yourself.

My interpretation of this "friend's" behavior is simple selfishness, that is, only thinking about themselves and advantages to themselves, without seeing or analyzing their own actions nor any ability to empathically understand what someone else might be feeling. This is what I have often found to be "unconscious hypocrisy" and I have seen it often, though almost always, I figure it out days, weeks, months, or years later.

This was completely the behavior of my mother, which, no matter the situation, was gauged to suit her own emotional or physical needs. As such, my own selfish self-occupation was always denied or punished when it conflicted with these primal needs of my mother. (Other behaviors however, were not instantly condemned, which has led largely to my years of confusion trying to sort out what exactly was the toxic behavior that effected me... this was consequential as it made it very hard to put my finger on what the trauma actually was...)

Such a pattern in my early childhood has gone a long way in explaining to me why I function the way I do today with selfish, self-centered, manipulative, mocking, etc etc types of people. Still being relatively "unhealed" (imo) I avoid people of this sort completely. I refuse to even get close to any kind of situation where I might be mistreated or exploited, and the slightest hint of it appearing causes me to abandon the situation almost immediately.

[NarcKiddo]

  to everything everyone else has said.

I'm not hugely surprised how long the relationship lasted, though, given the ages of you both when it started. It sounds like she got under your skin before you had any hope of rational evaluation of such a friendship, and then it's a relatively easy matter for someone to stay there. Well done for being able to analyse it so clearly now, though, and avoiding her attempt at contact while doing so.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with everyone else here as well, SO.  i've had relationships last decades as well, before i knew enough to let them go, including marriages!  we just don't know what we don't know.  i'm glad for you that you can recognize it for what it is/was now and let it be.  for me, one of the challenges was, after a period of time, 'maybe they've changed'.  and i'd want to jump back in.  it never worked.  one friend of mine, even after 2 yrs. of therapy, wanted to mend fences w/ me, but from the 2 small emails she sent me, i could see not enough changes about her attitude toward me had taken place, and i said a firm 'no' and have had no contact since.

that doesn't mean i don't occasionally, even now, want to get back in touch w/ her, see if, yeah, it could be different, but i abruptly pull myself back.  so far so good.  and i hope the same for you.  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

The bottom line is, that I'm done with her.

 

This resonated deeply with me. I've only known that I have CPTSD for less than a year, and one of the hardest parts has been realizing how much masking I did just to function in the world.
My therapist encouraged me to share a bit of my experience with a friend - because healing also needs safe relational experiences. So I did. I would have called her the only friend I had in the place I lived for the past 11 years. I had supported her for years, been a container for her struggles, listened and showed up.

But when I finally opened up, she couldn't meet me there. The responses were minimizing - things like "doesn't everybody feel like that?" - and after each one I felt more regret for having shared.

Eventually I had to let go of the hope that she would understand, or that the relationship was what I thought it was.

Reading your post reminded me how painful - but also clarifying - that realization can be. Sometimes what we're really grieving isn't just the person, but the hope that this time it would be different.

 

[Chart]

Sometimes what we're really grieving isn't just the person, but the hope that this time it would be different.

Wow, that really hit me hard... that describes so much of the pattern of childhood trauma/abandonment... that hope that the parent will change and start giving the thing that we need, or the reverse, realize how much they are harming us with their behavior... We carry that hope into adulthood and so many of the relationships we establish are just extensions of that primal trauma. TheBigBlue, I'm sorry for that betrayal you faced, you are worth so much more than that. We all are.
 

[SenseOrgan]

Gosh. Thank you so much everyone. I very much appreciate your support! 

I'm struck by what didn't even exist as an option in my mind. Namely to stop seeing that friend. I wasn't wrestling with the thought, nor was I hoping for her to change. It didn't even occur to me that I didn't have to see her. Even though I often was angry with her after she'd said something to sneakily undermine my self esteem, I didn't question the friendship itself. It was as it was and I dealt with that. Needs, preferences, boundaries, or the validity of those, were far from clear to me. I just got overwhelmed, ashamed, frustrated. And that's how it was. I didn't know that life could be different. Let alone that I deserve to be treated with respect always and by everyone. Where self esteem lives in others, toxic shame lived in me. She exploited that. That's disgusting.

It was a lot easier for me to stop seeing my dad at seventeen. I went through a lot of cycles of hope and disappointment with him. When I finally understood he'd never care about me, it became obvious an unavoidable to cut ties. Not so with this friend. It was a lot more ambivalent. This is where I struggle more. It's as though I need a pile of evidence right in front of me to feel like I have the right to be assertive. So when it's way too late to hold up healthy boundaries. I give people way too much space to be a-holes. I kinda noticed, but kinda didn't at the same time. I didn't notice it to the degree I had low self esteem. That itself is a lens through which we perceive the behavior of others, and underpin what we are and aren't allowed to do or say. It all happens in a fraction of a second. The distorted filter is pretty robust and hidden in plain sight.

I survived these nasty behaviors by fawning, basically. It's interesting that I generally did well standing my ground in discussions with her. Despite the anxiety this came with. I had less trouble taking a certain position about a topic, than standing up for myself. She couldn't handle me disagreeing with her, so at a certain point she'd often start to shame or subtly humiliate me in some way or another. It worked well. Again, the fact that it never crossed my mind that I didn't have to put myself in that position over and over is striking to me now. It's not that I didn't notice her behavior. I just didn't notice it through an adult lens. Age-regressed me has a lot less options to deal with challenging situations.

I have another "friend" whom I actually got into an argument with on the phone. About a year ago. He's more straight up narc, and I just had had it with him when he started saying some really hurtful things. If he ever calls me again, I'm going to pick up the phone, tell him I don't want him to contact me again and that I'm sick and tired of his narcissism, and hang up. Part of me is really looking forward to that moment. Resentment sucks.  I'm not proud of letting things come to this point. I'm happy though, that I'm not putting up with these people anymore. They don't deserve my time, attention, and care, and I don't want to hang out with people who disrespect me.

TheBigBlue
A warm welcome to you. I very much appreciate your presence here on the forum!

[TheBigBlue]

Thank you SO and Chart

...are worth so much more than that. We all are.

 

[Chart]

I'm not proud of letting things come to this point.

Maybe... but I want to say I think you can be darn proud of yourself for coming to these realizations about your value and self-esteem. And having the courage to speak out and end these toxic relationships.
Bravo!