Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[Marcine]

Sidebar-  Papa Coco, I deeply relate with your words and experience of "Imprisoning myself behind bars that aren't locked from the outside."
Sometimes I feel that there aren't even bars or a wall, it's an open space that I don't believe I am worthy to cross. Freedom on the other side. The cage is a figment.

[sanmagic7]

SO, i think toxic shame is so  . ..  toxic that it needs to be whittled away slowly, one chip at a time.  hopefully, if we can recognize that one of those chips is gone, we can celebrate that and know we're truly undoing the invisible cage that keeps us stuck as who we aren't.  small steps my friend.  but i think recognizing it for what it is can be considered a pretty big step nonetheless.

Marcine's post reminded me of something i read a long time ago.  an experiment using fish and an aquarium with a piece of glass separating the two sides.  on one side was a predator fish, on the other side were minnows, its favorite food.  time and again, the predator fish tried to get at the minnows, only to be stopped by the barrier it couldn't really see.  time and again, time after time, until it stopped ramming its nose into the glass.

then, the glass partition was lifted, and the minnows were free to swim everywhere in the tank, all around the predator fish.  by this time, however, the pred. was already convinced that those minnows were out of reach, and eventually died of starvation.

it seems we've had similar experiences.  repeatedly not allowed to be who we are, we believe such a thing is out of reach, even after the people who did that to us are no longer in our lives.  the cage is indeed a figment, but we've been groomed so well to believe it's always real that we stop, believing that's our only option forever.  somehow, some way, we've got to find out how to know it's a figment now, and keep ourselves nourished, going against everything we've been taught.  a huge task, indeed.  little by little, tho . . .

[SenseOrgan]

Papa Coco
Thanks for sharing that. It's awful to feel so ashamed that even stepping outside feels dangerous. It's been like this forever for me. I'm tired of it. I'm sorry this is your reality too. HUGS back atcha my friend 

HannahOne
Yes, the nervous system does this under perceived threat. Sometimes I feel like I have a bit of a choice in going along with it or not, other times it's overhwelming. It's the former moments I'm after to use to my advantage. Like just happened today.

Marcine
Rarely have I felt more validated and supported. Thank you my friend. The allure to standng on that other leg is strong. Good Much love right back atcha.

sanmagic7
Yes, this takes persistent small steps towards a new normal. No problem. I'm not a revolutionary. I'm an evolutionary. Thanks for sharing that intriguing experiment. That's learned helplessness taken to the extreme. I think our version can be deadly too, to be honest. Albeit less overtly.
I'm not sure if I had that insight after somthing started to shift in me or the other way around. In any case, seeing this clearly almost feels like I have no good reason to hide myself in interaction with others. There's something about that visual representation of that change triangle that's lovingly relentless to me. Am I going to keep hiding, or am I going to inhabit my rightful place in this world? It has to be the latter. I owe it to myself.




A few days ago I got a mail from the community garden. We could order compost. There was a limited quantity. First come, first served. I rushed to fill out the digital form. Hesitated a bit with the amount I needed, since it's a significant chunk of what's available. Is it greedy? I didn't change the amount. That whas a bit of a hurdle to take in my mind. But it felt good too. This is the amount I need for the way I kick off a garden. Considering the amount of compost that's offered, that's not what people seem to do around here. But I do.

Today I verified if the amount was granted to me. It turns out I got only half of it, because I was just in time for the last bit. And the person asked me to consider if I even need such a big amount. So clearly I'm doing something that wasn't expected. I felt an impulse to make do with what was granted to me. Then changed my mind. I wrote an e-mail in which I said I'd like to have 3 extra m3 of compost delivered to the terrain, and asked if that could be done using their contact. I went on to say that a proper layer of compost is the backbone of the no-dig method of gardening I have good experience with. And that a start like this will be well worth it for me, especially with soil that's filled to the brim with weed seeds. I didn't fawn. I owned what I know works and how I want to do this. No apologies, no shoving me aside myself, no regrets. It's like I shifted gears and stepped into the person I want to be. Am, without toxic shame.

[TheBigBlue]

    

[HannahOne]

There's something profound about stepping into what you know and need when what you know and need is adequate compost to grow a garden!

 

[Chart]

God that's a great feeling, isn't it, SO!

I did something similar yesterday. Called a guy on the phone and explained that I didn't think their behavior was appropriate. The guy tried the lame excuse of being innocent and just doing as he was told. I called BS on that (politely) and then when he accused me of being rude I honestly responded, no, I'm telling you what I think, and stating it calmly and factually. We hung up on totally correct terms, and I know he got the message and I injected a tiny drop of "this could be a better world" if our awareness was a little expanded into a very thick skull somewhere. I was all jittery in my body after the conversation, but boy did I feel a solid sense of satisfaction. I stood up for the client, but I also stood up for myself in the midst of the call itself, not to mention having thought it through and taken the initiative to put myself out there.

Bravo to you SO for doing what you did. Maybe we are actually moving forward. It so helps to know we're together in all this.
  

[TheBigBlue]

Bravo SO. Bravo Chart. 

[NarcKiddo]

Well done SO. I hope you get your compost delivered.

[sanmagic7]

well done to both of you, SO and chart!  inspiring examples of taking your place and space on this earth.  SO, standing up for yourself, for what you need, was definitely taking back and owning your power.  very glad for you!  love and hugs