I Am

[sanmagic7]

 

[Bach]

Hannah, thank you for your reply.  My therapist recently said almost the same thing you said, that hating myself was something I learned to do as a child in order to survive in my mother's house.

You said "I remind myself every day to turn toward myself and not away."  I never thought of it quite that way.  That feels important. 

NK and san, thank you always for being here 

[Bach]

Ten days or so ago, My Person and I started getting up earlier and taking a walk together first thing in the morning.  I've noticed that it seems to be making a difference in my mood.  However, I have also noticed that I have been getting sloppy in my self-care because some part of me needs to hold me back.  I don't know exactly where in me to find that part and help it or change it or roust it out of there or whatever I need to do with it, but I'm hereby calling it out in the hopes that I can stop letting it kick in to re-establish an equilibrium of unhappiness when things start getting too good for me. 

[HannahOne]

Bach, I love hearing about your new early morning routine, that's really inspiring.

I resonate with having a part that resists or refuses self-care. I have a part like that too. Personally for me I think it was protective, because taking care of myself puts me in touch with my needs/vulnerability. And feeling happy and comfortable was scary because it would be suddenly interrupted, which was a worse feeling than low level unhappiness. These are important dynamics to be aware of that you are noticing.

[sanmagic7]

bach, i think it's great news that you're taking walks in the morning.  that's when i do mine, and they seem to kickstart the day - or cause a release of relief that a self-care action is done. 

i hate when that scale of self-care/self-uncare wants to be balanced. love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
It's great that you and your Person are enjoying those early walks together.  Sending a hug to you and all parts of you   

[Bach]

When did I go from endlessly desiring and seeking connection with others to fearing it and running away from even the slightest possibility of it?  I don't like this version of me.

[Harorudo]

   Hey Bach I know how you feel atm in some ways however my story is different. Please hang in there best you can, this shall pass and just know people on here care for you. They will do there best to help you out in some way with good advice.

* Sending you good and positive vibes your way *

[NarcKiddo]

 

[HannahOne]

Bach, I resonated with your post. I have a similar pattern. It can be bewildering. I think of it as different parts of me. Another lens is an insecure attachment. Whatever you call it, I firmly believe it was once a useful adaptation to survive your circumstances!

[Bach]

The weirdness of some of the things I remember from my childhood and how they randomly show up in my present life.  Like that time my mother wouldn't buy me new shoes when mine were literally falling apart and instead gave me something called Shoe Goo to glue them back together.  I just remembered that today and wondered if it's why I have a habit of wearing shoes until they're past the point of being very obviously worn out instead of moving on to a new pair. 

[NarcKiddo]

It is strange how these things show up. I mean you could have gone the other way and bought new ones to spite her - but our little ones won't spite these mothers, it seems. Even though they richly deserve it.

 

[HannahOne]

It's so weird how these things show up!

[sanmagic7]

bach, i do believe your mother's treatment of your shoes has had an effect on you.  i just hope that eventually you'll be able to determine when you WANT new shoes and go get them for yourself.  you deserve great shoes of your choosing at all times.  love and hugs

[Bach]

I hear so much about "letting go".  I wish I could figure out exactly what that means and how to do it, because I can feel that somewhere in me I am indeed still clinging tightly to beliefs in my own limitations that were instilled in me by all those things I've talked to death in therapy about my upbringing, and I would dearly love to be free of those.  Talked to death in therapy about my mother this and my father that and blah blah blah, I know all about WHO gave me these false beliefs and WHAT they are and WHERE they came from and WHY I have them, but still no useful insight on WHEN or HOW I can "let go" of them!