Rainy Journal 2025

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I think it's hard dealing with systems that are in place when/if you come from your own system of generational trauma/hurt. I hope that learning things about your family makes it easier to deal with both.

I'm glad you were able to confide in your supervisor at work.

Sending you support,
dolly

[rainydiary]

Chart, I appreciate the care.
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San, yes, I am thankful for the break I've had.
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Aphotic, thank you for sharing that experience.  I am still uncovering things and right now am becoming more aware of responses I have that were learned from my family. 
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Dolly, I appreciate this perspective.  I think learning more is helping and I am beginning to acknowledge more and more how I have had a lot of trauma in every job I've had (even as a kid) that I have my really recognized or understood the way I do now.  More to unpack.
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Before I forget to say this - I've been really embarrassed that I included "2025" in my journal title that I started in 2024.  I think I either got confused or mistyped but it has been bothering me.  I guess now it doesn't matter because it is 2025.

My break has been restful for the most part.  My cat's health is heavy right now and even though she is doing better in some ways she is still getting older and sicker.

Just yesterday I finally felt fully relaxed and am upset that I go back on Monday. 

I am continuing to read the intergenerational trauma book and am recognizing things I do that are trauma responses that I didn't recognize as such. 

I think I am entering a point where I have done a lot of work on my family role in my CPTSD.  While that certainly still is influencing, I am seeing how truly traumatic most jobs I've had have been and a big part of that was being an unidentified autistic person.

I think the focus of my ongoing work is needing to expand.  But when I think about how awful jobs have always been, even ones I had as a teenager, it's no wonder that work feels heavier than it needs to.

I am realizing how much energy of others that I take on which is a trauma response from my family as well as being an autistic person in the world.  I am going to focus on shifting that how I can moving forward in addition to understanding these sources of trauma that are outside my family.

[Chart]

Rainy, I admire you very much. You are clearly working very hard and facing very difficult  situations and circumstances. I also respect your own self-analysis and admissions. Being on the autistic spectrum you assume your condition and identify the additional complexity you confront.

My last relationship was with a woman HPI. She recognized her situation but strongly resisted and denied the behavior that went along with it. I think this is very very hard to be open and honest about, but you are doing just that. I feel you are a bright honest person struggling with a hard and insensitive environment. But nonetheless making headway through complicated waters. Thank you for sharing your experience. I send love and support. Keep up the good work.
 

[sanmagic7]

having encountered such realizations about myself as i've progressed thru recovery, i understand some of the frustrations that come with them, rainy.  knowing that my thought processes came from one source, then discovering there was a secondary source that shaped me and my worldview has been daunting at times.  it also helped explain a lot of things to me, and for that i'm grateful.  still, dealing with the aftermath is still a challenge.

i think you're doing a wonderful job with all this.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Chart, I appreciate your support.
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San, yes, there are benefit and consequences to all of this.
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I am sitting at work and struggling.

I am trying to pull back in some ways.

I am in a place of questioning everything I do.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Rainy, I'm sitting with you in your struggles and sending you support so you don't feel alone in this.

[Chart]

Desert Flower put that beautifully. I'll jump on that wagon! Sending support.
 

[rainydiary]

Thanks Desert Flower and Chart.  I am doing a bit better today.
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I am definitely in some type of transition phase.  It feels like for the better but sometimes it is overwhelming.

The other day someone in a group I'm in asked a question and phrased their experience in a way that resonated with me.  She talked about how she knows she does a lot in the day that requires cognitive and emotional load but it's hard to remember/keep track of those things.

That felt true for me too so I started tracking things that I do especially at work that are a load that I don't usually acknowledge.  I am also keeping track of whether I do anything to restore and any reflections I have.

It's been interesting and I am realizing it's not just at work.  I will get tired pretty quick of doing this tracking but it is helping me see things are taking a toll and how I am often not doing anything to take care.

[Chart]

This awareness sounds incredibly positive, Rainy. I hear too that implication that "monitoring" takes up some of our resources too, thus it adds to the load. I'm currently just trying to allocate more resources to my somatic work. And making an extreme effort to let go of my incessant "mental analyzing". My hope is to establish a better equilibrium between my three principal elements: mind, body and emotions. We'll see how that goes. Sending you support too.
  

[dollyvee]

Rainy, that sounds great. I think tracking sounds like a good way to get some distance from things that might be emotional to deal with and that can be overwhelming. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree with the others, rainy.  sounds like a good course for you.  love and hugs