I Am

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, bach.  my thought is patience and practice.  when i began feeling emotions like fear and anger, it was very upsetting for me, didn't feel like me, and i didn't know how to deal with it.  but i got a lot of encouragement to just 'be' with whatever, and it was good advice for me, so i'm sending it along to you.  best to you - it's a new part of your journey and is going to feel 'off' for a bit cuz you're not used to it.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Bach]

Last night I started thinking about how I am angry at my father.  It was a little unexpected.  I had sat down to write in my paper journal because I read an article a while back about how writing on paper with a pen encourages neurological connections in the brain in a way that writing on the computer doesn't, and so I try to do it every day even if I don't have anything in particular I want to write about.  Anyway, I realised that there was anger in me even though I wasn't totally feeling it, and out came a few sentences about being angry at him.  That's something I have historically shied away from, it has always felt very dangerous.  It still feels dangerous.  I talked about it with my therapist today even though I didn't want to, and it made my belly feel like a ball of lead.  I don't know how to be angry at my father, I don't know what to do with it.  I'm angry about being angry at him.  So many things I'm angry about.  I hate even writing this, it makes me want to scream and break things.

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry you're having issues with that, Bach.  I do too.  As a kid, I wasn't allowed to be angry.  I was told that anger made me a bad person, and that good people don't get angry.  I still have trouble acknowledging my anger to myself until it gets to full blown rage, which I only ever express when I'm alone.  But anger can be the normal justifiable response, and because of that, it can be the healthy expression sometimes.

I can also relate to being angry about being angry.

 

[sanmagic7]

bach, that anger thing can really mess with our heads.  i hope you can take your time, just allow it, and it'll eventually filter thru - or as much of it as can be tolerated right now. when i think of babies and how we can tell when they're angry, it looks and feels very natural - they know when a boundary of theirs has been crossed and they simply express it.  it's too bad so many of us had that natural response frightened out of us to the point where it feels just the opposite - very unnatural.

please take care, ok?  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Anger about anger. Yep. Makes me think of those infinity mirrors with lights round them that just seem to go on in a never-ending tunnel. You've said it now, though. You've started looking. You've brought the unfathomable thing front and centre and now you can examine it. In your own time, and carefully. You are brave to start facing this big historic thing that feels dangerous; I hope and expect the danger will eventually subside as you process it.

 

[Bach]

I grew up thinking that my father was the "good" parent.  With my adult and comprehensively therapised perspective, I now understand that in his own way, he was just as bad a parent as my mother was.  He did love me, but as far as nurturing and actual parenting was concerned, he failed me utterly.  My heart keeps trying to make excuses for him.  I can't even write coherently about this because it's all so complicated and I'm SO. EFFING. ANGRY. 

Thank you for listening.

[Blueberry]

I hear you Bach.
My F was the 'good parent' too, and it's hard to feel anger. There's a family taboo about that.

But you've written it now! 
Big, courageous step.

[NarcKiddo]

I hear you too.

It's very strange and painful when our worldviews get upended. Mine regarding my F has been upended a couple of times but fortunately (!) I don't think he did love me or any of us, and I never believed he did, so I have not felt the emotional betrayal of the failure to nurture in the same way. It must be really hard.

 

[sanmagic7]

bach, my F was the one i worshipped, while my M was seen by me to be a mouse, so i never wanted to be like her.  but i wanted to please him all the time, and any time i displeased him, i'd burst into tears cuz i was so distressed.  of course, he mocked that, and that ended any type of discussion we might've had about the situation.  now, i can see his unrealistic expectations of me, his treatment of me, and my mother's enabling of all that.  equally traumatizing, each in their own way.

your anger is more than appropriate, to my mind, and i agree w/ the others, that this kind of realization that kind of rocks our world (in a bad way) is tough to get thru.  i hope you can get out as much anger as possible at all this.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

 

[Bach]

Anger is such a strain.  I still don't really feel it properly but even to the vague extent I do feel it, it sucks away my energy and makes me feel there is no escape from the frustrating chaos that passes for my life.  I'm working on accepting that even though many aspects of my life don't work very well for me, they could be a lot worse.  They HAVE been a lot worse.  They're what I've got and what I have to make the best of.  I'm disappointed with how things have turned out for me while also realising that in many ways I am very lucky, and that I have, objectively, a pretty good life in this world of insanity.  This is so hard for me to wrap my head around considering how uncomfortable or downright painful is most of my day-to-day existence.

[sanmagic7]

i think those are wonderful realizations, bach, and so very glad you've got them to hang onto.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Hope67]