I Am

[dollyvee]

That sounds like an important realization. My t always expressed to me that when we make progress the old "stuff" will come up, but it doesn't mean that what they're saying is true. Maybe you can talk to those overthinking voices and ask them what they're afraid of and assure them that you're an adult now and can handle it?

[Bach]

I need to work out how I can have power, feel powerful, without triggering the unseen unfelt reflex that implacably and inexorably makes me hate myself. 

[NarcKiddo]

Maybe part of that exploration will be to examine closely what power even looks like for you. Power over what? What would make you feel that you do have a little power? These are just questions for you or maybe you and your T, and it will likely take a lot of consideration even if you have already been doing that a lot.

My initial reaction to your post is that power looks to me like not tiptoeing around that reflex so as not to trigger it, but to find your power to stop it. The reflex is, after all, completely unreasonable. There is nothing hateful about you. Of course it is not as simple as telling the reflex where to go, but wouldn't it be nice if you could find a way to achieve that? Even just for a day at first? 

[sanmagic7]

My initial reaction to your post is that power looks to me like not tiptoeing around that reflex so as not to trigger it, but to find your power to stop it. The reflex is, after all, completely unreasonable. There is nothing hateful about you.

 

bach, i think personal power can mean different things in different situations,  so, i agree w/ NK about what it may look like in this situation.  i also think trusting in yourself to be able to take care of yourself in situations is the basis for personal power.  if we have confidence in ourselves, we can face a situation w/ that trust intact, which forms the basis of our power.  just some thoughts/opinions.  please ignore what does not fit for you.

i do hope, overall, you find what you need soonest. recognizing and going after what you need is a huge first step.  i have faith you'll get there.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Today in therapy I talked about not believing in anything and feeling like a lost neglected child trying to make sense of the world and not being able to, and I cried some real tears, the kind I haven't been able to in a long time.  Actual warm liquid tears, not forced or suppressed, crawling out of my eyes and running down my face.  Just a few, but completely unhindered, spontaneous and natural.  That felt like some kind of progress.  I think I probably need to cry more of those particular tears because I think they're the ones that get pain out.  But if there's one thing I know, it's that I can't go looking for them.  They're the tears I can't perform.  I have to hope all this heavy stuff I've been exploring lately is getting me somewhere.  If it is, I suppose I need to just keep going and the tears will come when they're real. 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[HannahOne]

Bach, I'm glad you felt safe enough to feel. Real tears really matter. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, crying real tears is a breakthrough to my mind.  we've had to suppress so many along the way.  well done!  love and hugs

[Bach]

Earlier today I had a peculiar experience in which, although I could not feel ANYTHING, I became aware that I was angry.  I had been sitting at my computer messing around on the internet wondering why I was having so much trouble doing absolutely anything useful today, and I realised that was why.  Because despite the fact that I couldn't feel anything anywhere in my body or even in my mind, I was full of anger.   Brimming with it.  I sat with that for a little bit, not poking it or prodding it or trying to figure out what it was about, just acknowledging that it was there.  After a while, I put it away.  I took a walk with My Person, then sat by the river for a while watching the ducks, and it occurred to me that I am angry because I am afraid of feeling good.  That's something my therapist was saying the other day, another thing she's said in that or another form a million times before that I know intellectually to be true but can't connect with any feelings of.  I'm still not connecting with any feelings of it.  Just a somewhat grim knowledge that it's there.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know, Bach, that sounds like it could be the glimmer of a connection with what is there. I think so because it cropped up quite organically and you spent time just sitting with it and then came to a conclusion about why you are angry without any prompting by anyone. Or anything. What could be more peaceful than sitting by the river watching the ducks? And yet it was there that something inside felt safe enough to confirm something your therapist has been suggesting. If it were me, I would probably try to keep curious about the anger, and also give some thought to what is scary about feeling good.

It seems to me that a few things lately have been shifting a little for you. Some implacable boulders seem to be grinding a tiny bit to one side. Maybe I am incorrect but that is the impression I have, and also that you have been noticing and observing these shifts, which is so important.

 

[sanmagic7]

i'm with NK on this, bach.  the fact that you've had an awareness of an emotion, even w/o feeling it, is, i think, a step.  perhaps some connections in your brain are being mended or unfrozen or something.  i hope you can continue down this path.  it may lead you to some answers.  love and hugs

[Bach]

I had a pretty intense conversation with my therapist today about the stuff I can't feel but know is there, the anger and the fear of feeling good. I meant to write about it right away but I got sidetracked. Now I can't really remember what was said. I guess that my talking about it at all is the important thing. So maybe I'll talk about it more next session. And maybe I can take a break from thinking about it now.

[sanmagic7]

bach, a break sounds good.  rest, ok?  love and hugs

[Bach]

Last week I did a lot of trawling through old journals.  I was looking for stuff related to Other (and what a confusing, compulsive mess my need to do that is), but as happens when I trawl through old journals, what struck me the most is that I'm still crapping on about all the same daily life stuff I've been crapping on about for the past 20+ years.  My perpetual desire for tidiness/order in my environment (my inability to achieve it!).  How much cannabis I am or am not using and how I feel about it (whether using or not, so tired of it all, so fed up with the weed life).  Food issues (-rexia, whether ano or ortho, BINGEING).  Other (By which of course I mean Other the human, not "Other" as in additional items).  The negative side of me says "Look at this, I've made no progress at all", while the more self-(loving?)(forgiving?) side says "Yes, I still have all the same issues, but they're not as bad" and then the negative side sputters into something that isn't rational or in words but boils down to "NOT GOOD ENOUGH".

I came here to share this:

June 2006
I think part of what makes it all so difficult to accept and deal with is that I wasn't "really" abused. The same way that I'm not "really" anorexic, and not "really" a drug addict. Nothing so straightforward as being beaten until I was visibly endangered, or starving myself systematically until my health was visibly threatened, or doing heavy drugs until someone could look at me and say "She's a junkie." Nope. All of my wounds are on the inside.

Then there's all this:  These issues are the same, but in some ways they have become less uncomfortable.  I still don't live in a tidy or orderly environment, much less a CLEAN one as I've always longed for and never been able to achieve, but the general level of chaos in the house on a daily basis is less than it used to be.  I still tend to overeat but my weight and my activity level are mostly able to keep up with it (HRT is a godsend), and I almost never binge anymore.  My use of cannabis is more moderate and, while I can't seem to turn the question of whether or not I use it into the non-issue that I wish it was or feel it should be, it does feel like something I have somewhat more control of and slightly less obsession with.

What about Other?  Well...That's a bit harder to define, because although I've learned a lot about how to deal with him constructively so that the relationship itself can be good, things are less healthy for me in terms of how big a space he takes up in my life regardless of how the relationship is going.  The problem is that I don't have anything else going in my life that I really want to think about.  Also, perhaps, that I didn't actually lose the energies that used to go to obsessing about food and/or cannabis, they just got transferred to Other.  I'd like to transfer those energies to something more constructive (creative pursuits, cleaning/tidying/ organising the house, exercise, cooking healthy food instead of relying so heavily on easy lesser evils and the same four crock pot meals over and over again...just ACTIVITY instead of this persistent freeze state!) but somehow my brain can't deal with vital energies other than by making them harmful.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,

I'm struggling to find the "right" words, because what you wrote - especially "All of my wounds are on the inside" - I think that's really signficant.  I think that inner wounds are just as real as the ones people can see, and endure so long.  I wish you could have had those inner injuries recognised years ago, but you're giving them some kind of voice now - and I really hope that noticing and writing about it will enable you to do some of those things you want to do - the things you mention.  I'm sorry my language is a bit stilted as I write this. 

You wrote some great progress points. 

Sending you a hug