I Am

[Bach]

I can't with this life anymore, with this brain.  Something has to change.  I've been really annoyed with my therapist for a long time now, with what seems like her lack of ideas, hammering the same things over and over again, unable to help me figure out how to move forward, but I think she's onto something with the thing about my not being able to accept or believe that I have any power over my life.  She says that I'm afraid to have power.  She might be right.  The thing that bothers me the most about this is that I want to say that it hasn't always been that way, but I think maybe it has.  I don't think I've ever believed in the idea that I actually have power over my life as anything other than a theoretical concept.  @#$% it hurts.

[Blueberry]

  Sitting with you Bach

[TheBigBlue]

That sounds really painful and exhausting. I'm so sorry you're in this right now. 💛
Sending support

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
Also sending you support. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach, just a thought.  what would your life look like if you did have power?  maybe this is something that, if you haven't felt powerful in your life, could be scary.  i know, when i began feeling the emotion 'fear', it was extremely distressing cuz i didn't know how to live like that, didn't know what to do with it, how to be with it. 

i do hope you find your way through this 'stuck' point soon.  it's not a fun place to be.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Something interesting came up in therapy today, which is that while I was moaning and crying and bitching about things in my life that cause me pain I came out with the notion that not feeling like I truly have any power is what's kept me alive.  Because if I had ever truly believed I had power I might kill myself.  She said, "Or maybe kill your mother!".  I think it kind of annoyed me that she said that, because I think I was was trying to express the pain of feeling that I have no power and not go back to the "it's all because of my mother" theme, but I suppose it is a valid point.  She's told me before that she thinks I'm afraid of having power.  I want to reject that idea, but it's so obviously true.  Being afraid of having power makes me very angry.  Being angry makes me more afraid.  How's that for a stuck place!