Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,
Sending you support, whatever you decide - you're taking your time to decide what feels right for you, and I hope whatever you decide to do works out ok.   

Thank you Hope.  I appreciate it 

[StartingHealing]

09-19-2025

Rambling post I reckon today. 

Was physically feeling pretty good this AM.  Got 9 hours in total for sleep.  The BP meds having me hit the bathroom on the regular even when I'm asleep.  Let's see last night it was 2 hours, bathroom, then 4 hours bathroom, then 3 hours till I awoke again. 

There are some feelings of frustration at the moment.  Got sleep, had coffee, got my walk in, shared some cool things via images with family, had breakfast and one of the bp meds, got rolling on some minor maintenance on my new to me rig which was changing out a seat belt latch (one bolt and the PVC valve & grommet and hose to intake manifold, started belching like I just slammed a 2 liter bottle of carbonated soft drink, and the level of physical discomfort kept increasing.  Even had a banana with breakfast for the good stuff in it, and brain fuzz came back, flu like symptoms came back .. 

I finished up what I had started on the new to me rig and back in the casa to cool off and sit.  It was only 82 deg F out there and I'm not appreciative of how the bp meds make sunlight on my skin feel.  This was mid morning so sunlight on weaker side.  closest thing I can think of is a mist of hot cooking oil hitting my skin.  Not even 10 min into it, the sweat just started pouring.  Even with a baseball style hat on, sweat was coming so fast that it was running down the bill and dripping off. 

I did start the 2 tablespoon of chia seed soaked in water for at least an hour. ( some say overnight is cool as well )  It's legit.  Chia seed done this way not only helps with lowering BP but also with lowering LDL cholesterol, diabetes, and also improving brain function.   The studies and the meta study on the studies, 15 - 30 gram of chia seed soaked in 16 - 20 oz water for at least an hour with an occasional stir to prevent clumping is the whole thing.  Pretty simple.  I also like the idea of simple and easy = large benefit.   

One thing I have noticed is that the bp meds have disrupted my lower colon's pattern of elimination.  Was common for me, 2x to 3x a day.  Now I'm lucky to get 1x. 

Did see some folks and their doggos on my walk.  Bittersweet.  So bittersweet.  I still miss the physical of every single one that have blessed me with being with me in my time here.  I recognize that also contains a huge amount of loss from other factors.  Loved ones, situations, situations that could have been, situations that never were, and situations that I survived with my sanity and psychological makeup relatively intact.  No I'm not using the current metrics that are being pushed in western society of late.  IMO anything that goes against human flourishing is at best suspect.  And to me, at this time, there is oh so much that is anti-human out there.  True the way it's packaged is nice but when I dug into it .. typical gaslighting so that others can extract from me, reducing freedom, pushing more and more towards me being a replaceable carbon based revenue unit.  They indeed to not have my best interests at heart.  As long as the short term goal of X is achieved .. F it.  Nothing is too cruel or outlandish.  How did I get here?  I'm still not grokking this mess of society, spirituality, governance, that I find myself in. 

I do wish all the brave souls here, all the best

Been well over a 1/4 hour since I've been sitting in the cool and working on my butt calluses and I'm still knackered. 

[StartingHealing]

09242025

well I'll be dipped. It's Wed.  5 days since my last entry.  This is probably going to be one of those rambling ones.  Which is fine.  Prolly going to be short as well.  On lunch at work. 

Work has turned into even more a poop show. AKA cluster ____   The higher higher ups want to move all production into a different state which from what I have heard makes no business sense at all.  The cost of production isn't going to be lower, if anything it's going to be higher.  My understanding is that the other site still doesn't have the machinery, let alone getting the machines installed, operational and tested. To me this smacks of a campaign of an ideology rather than business.  Even so things are in motion and it's going to be 3rd / 4th quarter next year that this site is slated for closure.  ( Unless things change like they have 4 or 5 times before )

I'm starting to reconsider my agreement in riding this thing into the ground.  Spent a lot of years here.  It was a place of refuge from the crazy that was being generated by the former spouse.  Knowing the ebb and flow of things, the processes, the workflows to a point where I really didn't have to "think" about it I could just do and be in a place that things made sense.  At least for a while.

Had a great time with my daughter on Monday. Brunch and browsing through a antiques mall.  I was feeling pretty good.  I mean spending time with my kid, and it seemed that it was all cool.  Then the next day .. there's this recorded video app that she loves using ( personally I think there is a whole ton of improvement needed )  40 min of her expressing herself about how she views herself and it went into some weird places.  She used words that I had to look up the meaning of. ( The current meaning not the meaning of the words from 10 / 15 years ago )  Took the wind out of my sails.  There were comments made by me that were not directed at her at all. We had been discussing the events that have happened recently and she didn't hear what I said, she heard what she felt.  At least that is what my mentor had for me. 

Now, I'm starting to consider that perhaps I need to back away some.  I savvy that "society" has changed but holy ____!!!!   I'm really lost in modernity.  Like what the (insert word here )?!?!?! 

Been having issues with a kitchen faucet and it finally died on me yesterday morning which is the same day that my kid drops all the bombshells via remote video app.  On way back from work, I pick up new one ( I figured it would be easier to fuss with the property manager after the fact than to get them to get a plumber etc.  The trades are in high high demand you know? )  So after I have a convo with my mentor about all this stuff, and then reply to the vids, I get to work on changing the kitchen faucet.  What should have been 1/2 hr maybe 45 min on the outside took me 2 1/2 hours because of the physical symptoms.  Lying on my back and getting so dizzy I had to sit up.  Stomach feeling like it was working on clearing it's contents, dry mouth that no amount of water took care of, checked my blood pressure and it wasn't low, had some nibbles thinking that I had ran out of juice, which resulted in me belching like I had slammed a 2 liter bottle of a soft drink.  And gas. Huge amounts of gas.  And had been physically feeling pretty darn good the entire day up till that.

Did finally get the new faucet installed. No leaks. 

Then today, I'm really wondering about the wisdom of more effort than I had been doing to have her as a larger part.  I'm dad and that won't change.  I love her and that won't change either.  At this junction though .. IDK. Because she did engage in some manipulation tactics.  I am not sure if it was intentional or not at this moment. 

Thanks for the read.

Wishing all the brave souls here the best.

[StartingHealing]

09-25-25
Slept alright last night which was good.  Still off my square though.   I had made certain assumptions concerning d as far as the situation when it comes to that time where I'm getting close to exiting this realm.  I'm going to have to rethink them entirely.  She'll get something for sure. Money is always good right?  I know that I will be moving to a different location at some point and she is really dead set that she's not leaving the current location. There's that part.  Not to mention other things related to EOL. 

It will be something where plans laid with other people for that time.  Not that it was anything big anyway.  Cremation / cardboard box, dig a hole, box at the bottom and plant a tree.  Or skip the cremation and plant a tree.  A red oak in both cases. Allow the carcass to be fuel for the web of life you know?   Found out that it's possible to be buried on private land in the Nation that I belong to.  If in the future I am able to purchase house / land I'll have to think about who is going to inherit it and that would be a good place to plant that red oak.   

Yeah, there are indicators, d isn't doing to well on the mental/emotional/spiritual front.  It's decades off so it's not anything pressing.  Still, the idea of all the BS that comes along with being an executor, disposition of my personal items via last wishes in a will, not a good thing for her to deal with in my opinion.  She's the only one there is of close genetic relationship.  It has to be alright to have others at that time.  Even if my feelings don't agree at the moment.   Nah, wasn't going to have her deal with the major craziness, will get it all structured so that folks that are good at their job handle it.  Even then it wouldn't be fair for me to put her in that position.  I mean she'll be dealing with me not being in the physical and all anyway. 

At the same time, tis saddening.  Well, at that point, a person is counting on family and that won't be there for me.  And that has to be ok.  My feelings notwithstanding. 

Wishing all here all the best

[Hope67]

It's good that you slept alright last night. 

Sending you a hug of support 

[StartingHealing]

Thank you Hope.

[StartingHealing]

09-26-25
Weather came in and dropped welcome rain.  I could feel the area relax.  Ahhhhh relief you know? 

I have resolved a lot I think. 

Today overall was ok.  Still have physical stuff going on.  Some are side effects of the bp meds, some is from all the years spent in * I think. 



Wishing all here all the best

[NarcKiddo]

EOL planning is always tough. I am involved in that field for a living - but even so, when it is oneself it's a whole different kettle of fish. It is really good and helpful when someone has thought about things in advance, though, so well done for grappling with the topic.

I hope the physical stuff starts easing off soon.

[StartingHealing]

EOL planning is always tough. I am involved in that field for a living - but even so, when it is oneself it's a whole different kettle of fish. It is really good and helpful when someone has thought about things in advance, though, so well done for grappling with the topic.

I hope the physical stuff starts easing off soon.

Hi NarcKiddo.  I know that (fingers crossed) I should have some more decades before the inevitable.  Guess I am the one of the weird ones.  I grew up on a farm and while I was a child there were lots of old folks that moved on to their next adventure. I never really understood the phobia around EOL.  I mean it's the way of things in this realm.   The big thing for me was the recognition that what I had assumed was the case with my d, wasn't that.  As such, that part of things, the trust placed in family for the run up to EOL and then the return to the earth.. yeah have to reconsider all of that.  No lie, that's a hard pill. 

The whole thing around inheritance is a thing as well.  Other than d, there isn't anyone else family wise.  No nephews, nieces, cousins that are close.  Don't want the goberment to get anything at all.  Maybe in the future there will be someone, or several someones that will be in those roles. Maybe.  Will have to see. 

As far as the physical side of things go, I asked around and generally speaking it takes anywhere from 45 to 90 days for adaption to the BP meds to happen.  Considering that I'm getting close to the 90 day mark, BP has been generally in the normal to slight hypertensive range. There has been times where in the morning it's been really low. So I'm thinking that I might be kinda where I need to be.   I've also implemented changes in supplements and also what I eat.  Soaked chia seed has a huge amount of positives with it.  2 tablespoon of seed, soaked for at least 1 hour with 16-20 OZ of liquid, and drink.  More bananas, less salt. Still working on figuring out how to eat hard boiled eggs without salt.  Tracking BP 2x day, and tracking how much I walk.  I do at least 3x week walks of over a mile on top of the usual walking that happens @ work, in the residence etc.   The kick in the gut is when I go to do things that I've done multiple times before and the dizzy, nausea, flu like symptoms hit.  That sucks.   

Wishing you all the best NarcKiddo

[NarcKiddo]

I find that putting a load of freshly ground black pepper on hard boiled eggs helps to liven them up in the absence of salt.

[lowbudgetTV]

Always great to read your updates to your journal SH, glad your doing okay.

[StartingHealing]

thank you for the tip NarcKiddo.

thank you lowbudgetTV.

[StartingHealing]

Oct 2 2025

The EMS sirens have increased in frequency.  I've started seeing more out of state license plates. The traffic load has also increased.  Ugh. 

Work is still a Keystone Kops mess.  The Keystone Kops was a physical comedy group from way back at the beginning of film. 

What I have noticed is that the older comedy was real comedy.  The jokes are still funny and good natured.  Hee Haw, The Carol Burnett show, Abbott and Costello, I recommend that if someone needs a good laugh, here you go.

I'm still spooked about the sudden bouts of dizzy / sick / flu like feelings.  That isn't good.  In a way it reminds me of the walking on egg shells when the former spouse was around. 

In a lot of aspects I do get what d was putting down.  At the same time I wonder why she wants so desperately seeking for a label for herself when all other aspects of her life she refuses to "lock" down via a label. 

My spine is acting up again.  Sigh.  It's been something that I've fussed with for a very long time.  I think I need to eat a little something.   Maybe that will perk me up a little.

Wishing all here all the best