Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[NarcKiddo]

Just catching up with your journal. I am very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry you are navigating all the inevitable mess of emotions at such a time plus the additional messes imposed by CPTSD and all that jazz.

 

[StartingHealing]

10/17/25

Thank you NarcKiddo.

Positive stuff and other not so much since the last post of mine. going to attempt to keep it as succinct as possible.  Could be a high bar I've set for myself.  { small attempt at some levity }

As far as I've been able to determine the estate for the sister that has passed has been settled.  don't know what the final deposition of anything is as far as having 100% certainty about it.  There were conversations and I held to the thing of it's "stuff"  yes I would like to have a memento or two, at the same time, I'm so over the BS of the toxicity spewed by toxic people .. I like my peace and F y'all that are trying to F that up for me.  Besides that what level of disrespect for the dead?!?! Last wishes / will and all that.  Yeesh  Will have to see how that plays out.

Yeah, the more I ponder on it, the more I'm certain that the physical frame will go in a hole, with or without a pine box, and a red oak is going to be planted over it. Allow nature to do what it does and feed the cycle of life.  Not that it would be a forever protected thing.  At the same time though, since I'm a member of a Native Nation now, and if this happens on tribal overseen land, then that resting place would become protected as a burial site.  Course in a generation or less the who I am will be forgotten to the passage of time.  It is what it is I reckon.  Maybe make that a condition in gifting the land to the Nation after I'm on to my next adventure.  Land ownership is kinda complicated in that area. 

Step son that had been staying with me for a spell after the legal process was done to re-establish my singledom, For this post I'll call him Fuzzy N--s or FN for short.  He arrived yesterday to get the rest of his crap.  yeah, he left some things behind that I'll have to handle, but FN is out!!! One more thing that was a weight on me.  Seems like he's happy with what is going on in his life, the girlfriend / pre fiancee? are doing good, has a stable job, and even after kvetching about the people in that location for 15 minutes still tried to sell me on the idea that I'd like it out there.  Chuckle.  Sorry not sorry that ship sailed long long ago.  Well, he has a habit of trying to sell me on things that will ultimately be of benefit to himself.  Could be incorrect in my take, however seems to me that he was working an angle so that if things went sideways with him and girlfriend that there would be a local backup he could fall back on. I wish him no harm.  At the same time go away. Got myself and my path to handle. yeah, his contact data is going to become unfortunately "lost" when I move house / email addresses / #,  etc.  Not being "mean" here.  Thing is, my path forward doesn't involve him.  He generates chaos like the former spouse, just to a lesser degree and I finally have got it through my noggin that I deserve peace and having people in my experience that aren't toxic.  Yeah, even though he knows, he still falls back into the same pattern of being a victim to circumstances he created for himself and looks to others to "save" him from those circumstances.   

Knowing that he talks to an uncle that also talks to his mother ( former spouse ) .. I didn't tell him anything of note except things although true, that if they did get back to the former spouse wouldn't be of any impact on me and also could have multiple interpretations.   Former spouse catastrophizes as a regular thing.    Then on the flip side, D who is the former spouses son that happened before I entered the picture, and had adopted out, communicates with her on a semi - regular basis.  His info will also be "unfortunately" lost.  Nothing against him, it's a threat vector against me though.  I made sure to verbalize some of the ideas that I've had concerning possibly going off shore, year long road trip around the country I reside in, going off grid, getting to a point where I'm only bartering for the necessaries, I didn't commit to any of them, just ideas you know?  If any of that makes it back to the former spouse, what exactly is she to believe?  I don't like taking that kind of action.  I'd much much rather have my communication be clear and straight forward without BS.  However, obfuscating my actual intentions I think is a good idea.

Have other things requiring my attention.

Wishing all here, all the best

[Papa Coco]

SH

Your thoughts on your manipulative nephew are impressive. I can't think of a way you could hold a more appropriate and proper attitude around him.

Very inspiring!

I'm thinking about you as you deal with the death of your mom. Having that vein of manipulative abuse in the family makes Mom's passing more complicated than it needs to be. I don't know how you see yourself in the mirror, but what I see when I read your posts is a person who is doing all the right things to put closure to a lifetime of uncomfortable relationships. I would call you a particularly strong person with a very caring core.  Good combination to be. Strong and kind at the same time.