Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

28 June 2025

At times I wonder what 'reasons' there are for the events that I went through in my experience leading up to this moment.  I know that I'm seeing / perceiving? from my limited human viewpoint.  And yet, chuckle, and yet there are times the question why?  Seeking some reason, something that I can hang a hat on, to point to and say "That, that there is the why I went through X.  Some events I have knowings about them.  I have a certain why for them.  All being retrospective in nature.  Dam_ede5t thing is that even now, in this moment, after pulling off some amazing things, surviving events  / situations that others, well, let me say that they removed themselves from the equation. Indeed, the cohort that I was placed in by the supposed adults at the time, not good life results, I don't remember the exact percentages of adoptees have serious mental issues, CPTSD, over represented in prison like 5x or more for "serious" crimes against people, drug addiction (all flavors) not to mention the "anti-social" parts like property damage, grand theft, and, and, and. 

Here I sit, in a rental that I can afford, have friends, not many but I've never been one for having a huge posse, steady work, steady income, grinding my way out of a financial hole left by becoming single again{worth every penny as she is a BPD} some family, getting here to this moment has been one long strange trip.   

I remember the feelings and thoughts tho, of the ages I was before.  The feelings of not being "wanted", of being discarded, of that I shouldn't be here in this realm, of playing pretend to hide my true feelings, my true self, the me that was screaming inside from the loss of the woman that carried me to term,  because the "help" from the person in the role of mother wasn't about me, what I was going through, what BS had been foisted upon me, an innocent, no it was 99% about her, and her feelings, and her perspectives and her, her, her, her.  I was the "legal fiction" that was approved of by the state, the church, the community at large!  Oh how wonderful that person is to take on such a burden and give the poor waif a chance at a "better" life. Whatever the F that means.  In a sense, I was trafficked. Reading the social worker's notes and the corrosion that drips from the pages, the whole self-righteousness, we know far better than you, and how dare my mother, a young gal, 20, from an very abusive home, even think about possibly being able to care for me, her own blood. 

Even now, there are times when I hear a voice and part of me reacts in recognition of the voice I heard whilst I was being knit together in the womb, certain smells, certain patterns of life, ingrained within my own self, not only in DNA but in the 9 months as well, and to this day I grieve that loss, I suffer stoically because the loss happened so very very early that I do not know consciously of anything different. The hole that has always been. The hole that even now, with me caring for my inner kiddo's, that void remains. 

The years spent in pushing the envelope with extreme risks being taken because I'm not supposed to be here so why not?  If I die, I die. F it. And that was on top of all the testosterone that was coursing through my body. crumpled steel, shattered glass, Broken bones, bone bruises, road rash, there is not a single inch of skin that is not scarred in some manner, while nothing compares to the emotional torture that I endured due to others who should have known better.

Lady Death and I have danced on many occasion. Some more dramatic than others. Why the gentle lady hasn't taken me I do not know. Perhaps there is that one thing, that thing that I must do in this realm before I'm accepted into her embrace? Perhaps it's a multitude of things?  The answer still eludes me.  I know she is there, the gentle lady, waiting, just over my right shoulder where she's been ever since I can remember.  I'm well versed in the cycle of life.  I know that eventually my physical body will feed the beings in the soil which is as it should be, and that eventually everything will be used to support life in all it's myriad forms.  The grand cycle will continue.  And I am not so grandiose to think that preserving this mortal coil will in any way benefit anyone in the future. If the bones fossilize over some vast eon of time, then perhaps they might be important to some being.  Or they may be made into bric-a-brac for some beings visual amusement.  Either way, makes not one iota of difference to me, now, in this moment. 

The concept of legacy has also been bouncing round the brain pan of late.  Yes, I have left some little something already that will outlive me.  Houses built, encouragement given, a friendly voice, at times teaching, even a friendly wave at a police officer that has to deal with not good folks on the regular.  It is always so wonderful because the LEO will be confused at first, then will finally smile and wave back.  One never knows, perhaps me doing that changed things just enough so that they could see something besides what they deal with on the daily.  Side note. When traveling in the US, and you are in an unfamiliar town, if you find a officer, walk up and politely ask where a good place to eat is.  I have never been steered wrong. I've even been escorted to the restaurant as a courtesy a couple of times. They know all the best hole in the wall family operated places where the food is the star of the show.

My daily experience is overall really good!  The peace, the tranquility, yes sh-- happens.  Murphy's law is a legit thing.  Expecting that things will go sideways and when it does, no big deal.  When it doesn't go sideways, Bonus!  chuckle.  I reckon that this time of not having another being around is a needful thing.  It allows me the space and depth to perceive inner things, do inner work, because there isn't something external I can use as an excuse to not tend to myself. I don't know what the future is bringing.  I do know however that I want to be around to see it.  My mind is still attempting to grasp that I, me, who grew up with no tribe, no connection to even the idea of nation, and now I have both?  And a language that I think would be really cool for me to learn?  Holy Spitballs!  And! the nation has it's own webpage / socials and I've been looking at the pictures and in the occasional image, I see people that I feel I should recognize, Almost like they in many respects, look like me.  It's kinda like how here in the US you can see someone and you can kinda tell which area of the country they grew up in?  Yeah, it's kinda like that. 

My thanks to all the brave souls that took the time to read this.  To all the brave souls here, in this space, I wish you the best.

[StartingHealing]

1 July 2025

With the "space" and slower pace, lots of inner {stuff} coming to the fore.  I know that it's part and parcel of the healing journey that is going on.  Thing is at the moment, hm.. salty? crusty? frustrated? anger? and a touch of sadness.  Lots of unpacking and the ongoing realizations of how much BS I was fed and believed.  For me.. the adoption mess, the expectations placed upon me, like when have I ever lived for me and my own best interests?  In a sense I was indoctrinated into a belief system in which my wants, my needs, myself, was secondary to others.  Definitely a F'ed up way to live.  I keep coming back to examples in nature.  Like beavers.  What do beavers do?  They build a dam across a stream to make a pond / small lake for their own purposes, and from that so many other beings not only benefit but a lot of species end up depending on the environment that the beavers create for their own purposes.  And if this is indeed how this realm is structured to work... Judas on a stick, I was lied to, I was indoctrinated into a pattern of behavior that diminishes me, keeps me in a box of meeting others unhealthy expectations. Right?

Gonna have to sit with this. 

Wishing all here all the best. 

[StartingHealing]

July 2 2025

I had a whole thing I was going to write and poof!  Guess maybe that means I should just wing it?  Long weekend ahead which is nice. Not really gonna go anywhere or do anything.  I do have some steaks tho.  I think I have a pair of binoculars if I want to see the various municipalities fireworks. At the moment I'm enjoying a nice tipple and considering what else I should / need to do this evening. 

My mentor mentioned that another layer {lordy I hope it's more than one} of that onion peeled off.  Frustrated with disparate things, like the hanging situation in regards to former spouse and alimony.  She could go back into court to demand more $$.  The other section of that is I co-signed on a car with her 1st born.  Which I think.. well without going back through my older posts, lets just say he has a LOT of his momma in him.  While his momma is active BPD [at least], he's more of the quiet type. Many of the same behaviors which has not held him in good stead.   He's got him a gf and moved in with her in a different state.  The bozo is .. hang on have to math .. 40 this year.   Seems in some ways as a continuation of f-ery from the former spouse because she was the one that pressured me into co-signing for that digit.  I could go in to my bank and refi that rig today no problem.  Him on the other hand.. yeah playing the victim doesn't work real well with financial matters.  ahem. Long long long history of bad decisions.   He's also "moving" in stages. which really chafes. 

Then add in the realization of the crapola I went through as a wee one with the whole situation around that...

I know that I will get through.  I do pretty good at keeping my air addiction going.  It will get better.

Wishing all here all the best

Then, there is f-ery from work.  In Nov 2024, big meeting, had folks from high up in the org, let us know that the plan is to shut down the site in X months yada, yada, yada, they then offered me retention pay, paid quarterly after the quarter was over,  with the understanding that I would ride the thing into the ground. Basically I'd be almost the last one out.  Fine, I'm taking the $$$ which basically makes up for the alimony that is garnished from my regular check.  So that's good equalization there.  Then another meeting last week (no higher ups) in which the shut down got extended for another 9 months. Tell me you don't know what your doing without telling me you don't know what your doing.  Sheesh.

Then there is what I believe to be the physical aftereffects of the stress / strain that I was under from the former spouse.  Speaking of I prolly should check my BP again. My back is still not cooperating in going back into place and staying there.  Next year I will have outlived my genetic parents by a decade. How's that for messed up?  Yeah well, maternal drank herself to death and paternal all that I can find is heart issues.  Course back in the late 1960's didn't have the forensics that exists today on the actual cause for the paternal burning in as early as he did.  According the information I have access to, both his parent's lived well into their 90's, and he was maybe 1/2 way there.



 

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.

I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.

Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.

I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.

Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope

Thank you Hope.  May your holiday be enjoyable as well. 

[StartingHealing]

July 6 2025

I don't know if this is going to be a quick one or something more involved.  Guess will see if I can somehow express what needs expressed and if I get there in a 5 sentence paragraph, great.  If not then I'll go till it "feels" right.

Becoming really clear of late that having connection to a person is some important.  And that I really really need to have discernment around that.  There is a situation, ongoing actually with my daughter.  It has become clear to me anyway that for her she does best with more of a arms length type of situation and to respect her boundaries, and getting to a point of acceptance with that on my side is at time difficult.

I am proud of her.  Not just because of the "Dad" thing.  She has accomplished a great deal in her life.  Getting to the point of where the relationship twixt her and I is less "Dad - daughter" and more of a .. she is an adult, with her own preferences and outlooks, and to respect that, you know?  That acceptance is something I need to lean into I think. 

There is uncertainty on my part about myself.  I mean most of my life has been spent in, for lack of a better term, reflection of what those around me expectations were.  One of those things that is never mentioned when it comes to folks that have been adopted into non-genetic family structures.  Maybe that narrative is changing now.  At the time I went through that event though.. As born too .. Indeed complete and utter BS.  I know that in many ways that happens because us humans are wired for family, then clan, then tribe.  The idea of a nation-state is a grafting on to that base structure.  Even in modern society, the
tribal nature still comes out.  A sportsball team, a hobby, a location, genetic inheritance, are you a dog or cat person, shoot even whether or not you follow NASCAR.  I know that because of my acceptance into a Native Nation (here in the USA) that has shifted my self-concept around a ton.  Some reactions to external events, some aspects of myself now make a lot more sense, and then ... Even before this, since it's just me now, no reflecting back to others, I was fussing with acceptance of self. 

Yeah, it's a thing with folks that have survived the adoption process.  I know the saying "Be yourself. Others will adapt or leave you in peace."  That is truth and also has some lonely attached to that in my view of it at this time.  Who knows my opinion could change in the future.

There are times that being the lone wolf in modern society is overly propagandized as a {good thing}.  At the same time having some sort of meaningful connection to another human... Or is this more propaganda that I have accepted as truth?  Yeah.  This to me also ties into previous questions about what do I owe society and what does society owe me?  For the longest time, there was a purpose outside of myself that at that time was a valid purprose that I could drop my shoulder and put my effort behind.  There were activities on the farm that absolutely had to be done or the entire family wouldn't survive.  Then a family with people under my watch that I needed to provide for, keep safe.  Now it's just me and the shift is proving kind of rough for me right now.  Then again, I'm still learning me at the same time.  What do I like?  What don't I like?  What do I do because I can, not because I enjoy it? 

I'm also co-currently in the midst of attempting to get up to speed with how much has changed in the society that I find myself in.  It's really bizarre to me right now.  The amount of inroads that tech has made into the minestrone soup of daily life.  Still blows me away that even a cheep smart phone has more processing power than it took to land people on the moon, and what is it being used for?  Likes and clicks?  The reduction of attention spans, the intentional crafting of interactions with platforms to engage the addiction circuits in the human brain?  I do have to say though that the meme's can be really good.  I'm not trying to be a Luddite here.  It's that I'm seeing tech as a tool that cuts both ways and the stack of the tech has been in many ways weaponized against us humans by other humans. The pace of development is such that trying to keep up with it .. unless that's a full time endeavor, it's a situation where I find myself on the hind foot, and I am pretty tech savvy.  And that's not including any physical effects that happen because of the interaction between the human body and all these EMF that we are bathed in without our consent.  I mean come on.. stick and bricks places are tracking people via bluetooth to see what floor display gets peoples attention.  Interference patterns with wifi in your residence is now being used as a alarm trigger for certain security companies? 

On the other hand, the societal shifts that have happened are also bizarre to me as well.  Having police roll up on you because of saying hello to someone in passing because that person was feeling a certain kind of way?  Has happened.  I can totally understand the idea behind having a personal body cam.  That's still nuts.  Or someone records another and puts them on blast in social media after heavily editing the video to present a situation that was 100% false for likes and clicks? 

yeah.

Wishing all here all the best