Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

28 June 2025

At times I wonder what 'reasons' there are for the events that I went through in my experience leading up to this moment.  I know that I'm seeing / perceiving? from my limited human viewpoint.  And yet, chuckle, and yet there are times the question why?  Seeking some reason, something that I can hang a hat on, to point to and say "That, that there is the why I went through X.  Some events I have knowings about them.  I have a certain why for them.  All being retrospective in nature.  Dam_ede5t thing is that even now, in this moment, after pulling off some amazing things, surviving events  / situations that others, well, let me say that they removed themselves from the equation. Indeed, the cohort that I was placed in by the supposed adults at the time, not good life results, I don't remember the exact percentages of adoptees have serious mental issues, CPTSD, over represented in prison like 5x or more for "serious" crimes against people, drug addiction (all flavors) not to mention the "anti-social" parts like property damage, grand theft, and, and, and. 

Here I sit, in a rental that I can afford, have friends, not many but I've never been one for having a huge posse, steady work, steady income, grinding my way out of a financial hole left by becoming single again{worth every penny as she is a BPD} some family, getting here to this moment has been one long strange trip.   

I remember the feelings and thoughts tho, of the ages I was before.  The feelings of not being "wanted", of being discarded, of that I shouldn't be here in this realm, of playing pretend to hide my true feelings, my true self, the me that was screaming inside from the loss of the woman that carried me to term,  because the "help" from the person in the role of mother wasn't about me, what I was going through, what BS had been foisted upon me, an innocent, no it was 99% about her, and her feelings, and her perspectives and her, her, her, her.  I was the "legal fiction" that was approved of by the state, the church, the community at large!  Oh how wonderful that person is to take on such a burden and give the poor waif a chance at a "better" life. Whatever the F that means.  In a sense, I was trafficked. Reading the social worker's notes and the corrosion that drips from the pages, the whole self-righteousness, we know far better than you, and how dare my mother, a young gal, 20, from an very abusive home, even think about possibly being able to care for me, her own blood. 

Even now, there are times when I hear a voice and part of me reacts in recognition of the voice I heard whilst I was being knit together in the womb, certain smells, certain patterns of life, ingrained within my own self, not only in DNA but in the 9 months as well, and to this day I grieve that loss, I suffer stoically because the loss happened so very very early that I do not know consciously of anything different. The hole that has always been. The hole that even now, with me caring for my inner kiddo's, that void remains. 

The years spent in pushing the envelope with extreme risks being taken because I'm not supposed to be here so why not?  If I die, I die. F it. And that was on top of all the testosterone that was coursing through my body. crumpled steel, shattered glass, Broken bones, bone bruises, road rash, there is not a single inch of skin that is not scarred in some manner, while nothing compares to the emotional torture that I endured due to others who should have known better.

Lady Death and I have danced on many occasion. Some more dramatic than others. Why the gentle lady hasn't taken me I do not know. Perhaps there is that one thing, that thing that I must do in this realm before I'm accepted into her embrace? Perhaps it's a multitude of things?  The answer still eludes me.  I know she is there, the gentle lady, waiting, just over my right shoulder where she's been ever since I can remember.  I'm well versed in the cycle of life.  I know that eventually my physical body will feed the beings in the soil which is as it should be, and that eventually everything will be used to support life in all it's myriad forms.  The grand cycle will continue.  And I am not so grandiose to think that preserving this mortal coil will in any way benefit anyone in the future. If the bones fossilize over some vast eon of time, then perhaps they might be important to some being.  Or they may be made into bric-a-brac for some beings visual amusement.  Either way, makes not one iota of difference to me, now, in this moment. 

The concept of legacy has also been bouncing round the brain pan of late.  Yes, I have left some little something already that will outlive me.  Houses built, encouragement given, a friendly voice, at times teaching, even a friendly wave at a police officer that has to deal with not good folks on the regular.  It is always so wonderful because the LEO will be confused at first, then will finally smile and wave back.  One never knows, perhaps me doing that changed things just enough so that they could see something besides what they deal with on the daily.  Side note. When traveling in the US, and you are in an unfamiliar town, if you find a officer, walk up and politely ask where a good place to eat is.  I have never been steered wrong. I've even been escorted to the restaurant as a courtesy a couple of times. They know all the best hole in the wall family operated places where the food is the star of the show.

My daily experience is overall really good!  The peace, the tranquility, yes sh-- happens.  Murphy's law is a legit thing.  Expecting that things will go sideways and when it does, no big deal.  When it doesn't go sideways, Bonus!  chuckle.  I reckon that this time of not having another being around is a needful thing.  It allows me the space and depth to perceive inner things, do inner work, because there isn't something external I can use as an excuse to not tend to myself. I don't know what the future is bringing.  I do know however that I want to be around to see it.  My mind is still attempting to grasp that I, me, who grew up with no tribe, no connection to even the idea of nation, and now I have both?  And a language that I think would be really cool for me to learn?  Holy Spitballs!  And! the nation has it's own webpage / socials and I've been looking at the pictures and in the occasional image, I see people that I feel I should recognize, Almost like they in many respects, look like me.  It's kinda like how here in the US you can see someone and you can kinda tell which area of the country they grew up in?  Yeah, it's kinda like that. 

My thanks to all the brave souls that took the time to read this.  To all the brave souls here, in this space, I wish you the best.

[StartingHealing]

1 July 2025

With the "space" and slower pace, lots of inner {stuff} coming to the fore.  I know that it's part and parcel of the healing journey that is going on.  Thing is at the moment, hm.. salty? crusty? frustrated? anger? and a touch of sadness.  Lots of unpacking and the ongoing realizations of how much BS I was fed and believed.  For me.. the adoption mess, the expectations placed upon me, like when have I ever lived for me and my own best interests?  In a sense I was indoctrinated into a belief system in which my wants, my needs, myself, was secondary to others.  Definitely a F'ed up way to live.  I keep coming back to examples in nature.  Like beavers.  What do beavers do?  They build a dam across a stream to make a pond / small lake for their own purposes, and from that so many other beings not only benefit but a lot of species end up depending on the environment that the beavers create for their own purposes.  And if this is indeed how this realm is structured to work... Judas on a stick, I was lied to, I was indoctrinated into a pattern of behavior that diminishes me, keeps me in a box of meeting others unhealthy expectations. Right?

Gonna have to sit with this. 

Wishing all here all the best.