Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

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[sanmagic7]

EA, that is one thing many of us have found as we go thru c-ptsd country - most people don't understand, don't know how to listen to us, don't know what to do about or for us, and we are left alone, again.  it's frustrating to say the least.  just know you're not alone w/ this.  my greatest source of friendship is here on this forum - i know people here 'get it', can support me in the ways i need (i do miss real hugs, tho), and validate my thoughts and beliefs.

hang tough, EA - we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I resonate with your posts.  I relate especially to loneliness.  I hope your social event went as smooth as possible.

[Eireanne]

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[Armee]

Hi Eerie Anne,

I really feel for you. This is a massively difficult stage to be in. I actually thought of you yesterday. When my trauma gets pulled up front and center I forget things a lot, like I'll just walk away from filling a pot with water and leave the water running until I return to the kitchen and realize oh yeah I was filling a pot with water! Or more dangerously I walk away from cooking something and completely forget I was cooking.

Yesterday this happened and set off all the smoke detectors. They were screaming so loudly that I could not think straight about how to get them to stop. My heart was racing just from the terrifying sound. In order to turn them off I had to stand right under one and hold a button for 15 long seconds and endure the sound up close. Once I managed to calm down enough to figure out i needed to do that. Which took an embarrassingly long time.

It's like right now you have all the fire alarms blaring. It is deafening and massively overwhelming and you can't possibly figure out how to make it stop while the sound is putting you on high alert. But still you need to find a way to turn off the alarms. You won't be able to heal or get the help from friends you need until those darn alarms at least turn the volume down.

How do you do it? It's hard. Really really hard and takes time and commitment. You have to want it to work to have any hope of it working.

Finding anything that makes you feel a little calm is a huge step. I understand where you are right now and almost everything is probably a trigger. Me too. I went through that, about 3 years ago. Build your way up. Try online breathing exercises. If they are too much, do it once then stop. Then go back to it and do it one more time. Then stop. Same thing with maybe some gentle meditation like yoga nidra. Same thing with walking or spending time outside.

We need to train our fire alarms that it's OK. At first everything is a trigger and makes us more anxious or dissociated. Then you do a little at a time until the tiniest bit of something is no longer terrifying. Then do a little more. Do the 54321 grounding exercises and see if they help (look it up online for instructions). Help your brain differentiate the present from the past (or home or friends from work given that present is traumatic too). Tell your brain how you know you are factually safe and how it is different from when you haven't been safe. I know this is triggering at first.

You have to stand there and hold the alarm button to ultimately make it stop blaring. It is uncomfortable. Be brave and take tiny steps, but take them. Then return to your safe space. Then do it again. You can't solve the bigger problems while that alarm is blaring. We have all been in this stage. We know it is not easy. We know it doesn't work for us in the same way or with the same ease as it does for people without complex trauma. But over time it does work.

We need to train ourselves to calm down and the things we need to do to calm down are triggering. Such a catch 22 that's why you need to teach your nervous system those calming things are not dangerous. This isn't your fault. It happens to us all. Breathe they'd tell me. I can't, it is literally a trigger. So I'd do it for half a second. Then a second. Then 2 and so on until breathing in the present was no longer a horrible trigger. So find something that might have the potential to be calming and start practicing.

Given the connection between your abuser and your friends, perhaps those relationships might not feel safe for a long time,

Hugs if they feel safe.

[Eireanne]

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[sanmagic7]

hi, EA, i agree w/ armee that you seem to be overloaded w/ all this crapola through which you're attempting to navigate.  keep spitting it out.  it's landing where it belongs.

i don't believe any of us are broken, but wounded.  our wounds run deep and their tentacles are far-reaching.  you are accepted here, you are welcome to vomit all the poison that you've been holding onto for so long.  we're still here.  love and 

[Mandox]

Hello Eerie,

I'm new on this site.  I hope you're okay with me posting.  I've been reading some of your posts, and I'm not expecting you to respond to me, which is fine of course and I'm sorry if I'm way out of date.  I just wanted to share that also I suffer also from thoughts slipping away from me.  Even writing this, I am having to keep thinking back to what I wanted to say.  I have a theory about my brain being stuck in amygdala highjack most of the time, or for so much of the time that basic cognitive pathways of logical thinking are messed up, get blocked and don't function well.  Sometimes through stress, part of the brain just shuts down. I thought I might have ADHD or something (I don't rule this out) but think it's more likely the former.  I hope you find more peace and calmness soon.  I'm sure it will come.  Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Eireanne]

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