Out of the Storm

I feel misunderstood and judged and it makes me defensive to the point I'm defensive in my own thoughts because I'm unable to validate them.

I get stuck on words, or concepts and overly attached to other people's interpretation of what I'm saying, because I recognize that other people assign different value to words than I do, based on their own lived experiences.  I consistently find myself in situations where I don't have the vocabulary to speak my truth from a place of authenticity, rather than defensiveness triggered by not being able to feel psychologically safe.  I need help dialing it back, to meeting people where they are instead of hoping they are going to meet me where I am.  I have not experienced the support of someone willing to help me stand in my truth, and my unmet needs keep getting in the way of being able to communicate effectively. 

It's like I need to tell a story and freeze it, and explore what's happening.  Only I'm too busy reliving it to even express that coherently, my inner child keeps getting in the way.  I'm spending too much time attempting to frame it so someone with a different frame of reference can understand it, or trying to explain my frame of reference to someone so they can interpret it the same way I intend it. 

I need somewhere I can throw ideas at until something sticks.  And continue to work it out until I have something that is close to what my truth is.

When I attempt to tell people I need to talk, they offer suggestions that trigger my core wound of not being heard.  The messages I receive are all great suggestions, but they hurt even more, because the message underlying the suggestion is, "you should be able to do this on your own, handle your own *, I do - or talk to a therapist if you can't, just don't bother me, you're too needy".

When I try to explain, it doesn't make sense to other people, because *I* know what I'm saying but I don't know how to express it and no one stops and says, "ok, here is what I hear you are saying, is that correct?" they are all just listening with compassionate empathy and then thinking of something that would help them - something that works for them when they empathize with how I'm feeling.  So it loops back to my core wound of not being heard.

I keep getting trapped in these circular thoughts of not being heard, and also being misunderstood - because I say what I need and they suggest something that isn't what I'm asking for. so I blame myself that I'm just not effectively communicating...and then I'm angry because I think I could PRACTICE effective communication if only I had someone to talk to!!  But that's not fair and not the other person's fault.  I should be able to figure this out on my own, all the answers are within me, I should be able to be smart enough to figure this out....then comes the shame, and the valid feelings that I have every right to feel but (society) tells me I don't, because (society) isn't dealing with chronic isolation and ongoing traumatic events. 

I get to the point where the things people suggest seem like just going through the motions of life, and I'm somehow outside it because I have no connections myself.  Then I think how horrible of a person I must be that none of my "friends" want to spend any time with me, or even call me...which I know isn't true, everyone is just so busy dealing with their own @#%. 

So then I get sad I'm so needy and curl up in a ball and once again try to figure out how to be a friend to myself. 

I keep getting these moments of clarity that are immediately coupled with feelings that trigger my defenses. 

It's like a concept I can't put into words, but when I recognize it, I get dysregulated to the point my mind can't make meaning of words, and it spends all its energy trying to process the world around me.

Eerie Anne, I appreciate you sharing here.  I resonate with your experience.

Hi EireAnne,

I can relate to a lot of this, and it sounds painful, and also not fair, because you like all people need communication with friends and true compassion, listening, and caring. That's really one key path to healing, so it's not fair to expect you to figure it all out of your own. It's not your fault. You aren't doing anything wrong, I don't think. 

I think you're right, though, that everyone is struggling so deeply we all have so little left to give others at this moment in history. It's sad and lonely, isn't it?

PROBABLY SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING - workplace abuse trauma, core wound of not being heard, emotional flashbacks

This post started out as Things I need help naming, but then my inner child took over and it became let me tell you my fun trauma story!  Only during this brief part of trying to explain, my inner child took over repeatedly and I let her have her say.  What you are about to read is the ramblings of My Crazy, while I try to relate a story that triggers my PTSD.  What I need help with is pulling out the symptoms and naming others that I try to describe but fail because I don't have the words...yet.  To try to be helpful, I'm going to stop writing (even though it means it may be disjointed, sorry in advance - stream of consciousness writing!) and put in italics the words that my inner child is saying. 

Since my journals have only been for me, I've been using them to try to understand what my inner child is upset about, so I give her free reign to rant in my journals...then I read what she's written so I can have better conscious awareness of what the core issues really are...I know they aren't ever the things my body says I'm upset about - I do NOT have panic attacks, I am not depressed, I am not autistic, I am not...ugh any of the notveryhelpful suggestions I've been given of "what is wrong with me" from well meaning people/professionals.  Sigh...sorry, that slightly disregulated me and brought up feelings of anger.  *deep breathe* so anyway, you're talking to ME now, "conscious me", but other times...it's like I have a split personality? But I know I can't EVER mention that to my therapist, because they'd jump on that and try to medicate me.  I get so frustrated, I keep asking, can you just listen to what I'm TRYING to say????? I don't have the words!!  Ok, I'm starting to rant, sorry about that....anyway, the point I'm trying to make (I ramble A LOT, which my manager hates....she doesn't actually like anything about me, and she's the source of my current ongoing trauma....she's literally triggered me so bad I have to be on medical leave and will probably be fired.  But they won't ever say that's what they are doing, no they are being smart about it...Oh My G....she took over again, sorry...this is gong to be hard for anyone to read, just imagine it's stream of consciousness....The point I was trying to make before she takes over again....you're talking to me, and then suddenly, she takes over and you're talking to HER.  My inner child.  My pet name for her is My Crazy.  When I realize I've done it (because I don't only do it in journal writing, OH NO, for an ADDED embarrassment, I do this when I talk to people.  Not all the time, but when I'm triggered, I ramble, I say whatever is in my head, whatever I'm panicking about, because I need to get it out, it's in me, I can't breathe I need to tell someone, and I don't think about who is around or what it looks like, I need help, please.  So you see why it's been so hard for me to get the help I need.  No one is listening, they are too busy watching me have a meltdown.  Sigh. 
So, as I was saying, when I try to TELL anyone about the things that are causing me trauma...my trauma actually takes over and I have no conscious awareness of what is going on until it passes.  If I'm at work, I literally have to divert ALL my resources to just being able to process the tasks I'm being asked to do....and I do the job of too many people with no support and a narcissistic abusive manager.  I'll get into all that in another journal entry.  I keep getting distracted and telling two stories at the same time, I don't know why I do that...when you start reading what I tried writing earlier, I got distracted by My Crazy who needed to be heard.  It makes it really hard to ask for help, because I'm trying to ask one thing and I start saying another thing.  It's not other people's fault they can't hear me...I'm not saying the right words. 

So....all of that to say, the journal entry you are about to read may not make sense.  I left it as is, because it's basically me just talking to myself, due to chronic isolation (more fun symptoms, yay!) I don't really have many other people in my life.  I cut ties with my family of origin and my family of choice is not trauma informed (well one of them is, but they are struggling with coping now themselves) and I keep losing friends, I can't even figure out why...ugh that can be ANOTHER journal entry, I'm just racking them up....all this to get everything out so I can try to get some sleep, that's another fun symptom, insomnia, I haven't been able to get more than 4 hours of sleep in years...hypervigilance again....and then I have nightmares, so I wake up and am too alert to fall back to sleep, or my brain decided to wake up before my body and I realize I'm thinking....but like thinking in the fashion of this journal article, where my owners manual of "how to adult" is swiss cheese and it feels like my thoughts are like a jigsaw puzzle that's someone's spilled on the ground, and I'm down on the floor, panicking because I can't make sense of the shapes, or the colors or the words and I'm desperately trying to see if two pieces fit together then suddenly someone's asking me, "what are your goals? what are your skills?  what strengths do you have? what duties and responsibilities do you enjoy doing most?" and I'm thinking, what, omgs I have no idea what you're asking? My goal? That I can take a sick day.  My skills? That I'm still @#$ alive.  I have no idea what you're asking, I am so afraid I'm going to get fired. Wow, that was hard.  Hahah....see, it keeps happening* but now it's completely out of linear order - and that's another symptom - I have non-linear thinking....I literally cannot tell a story, or process information, or remember anything that I just said, or someone said to me, so if you are a manager that waits until the last minute to ask for something or rattles off for you 5 things she needs you to do but she won't put it in writing or repeat herself because you were supposed to be paying better attention!! you know you really need to focus!!!! And see, these aren't things my inner child is telling me my mom and all my teachers have said, no, these are the things that come out of my managers mouth when I ask for reasonable accommodations for my disability.  Because I can't TELL her I have a disability, she doesn't even understand what I'm talking about and she keeps telling me I'm too sensitive and insecure, I just need to toughen up. Ok...I'm going to need to stop introing, or I'll never get to the end of this....

(this was the original start of the journal entry) I guess you would call them symptoms, and I've been doing as much research on it as I can....see, I've been the one that's been having to do all the work...Literally, TELLING my doctor what my condition was, I have been misdiagnosed so many times I want to cry and scream with rage...I'll have to make a separate journal entry about it...here's where my inner child takes over...It's like two people trying to talk at once.  If I journal, it's like my inner child starts typing, and there's this inner struggle, I can see it when I read over what I've written, I can literally see it happen as I type, and I realize my "trauma brain" has taken over. I keep thinking I can use this to my advantage somehow separate myself out and have a conversation with my inner child, but it triggers adrenaline surging through my body and I have to consciously remember to take a deep breath and I can't remember anything.  Like my short term memory is completely shot, I can't remember what I just said, I say "have no conscious memory of" but that just sounds like I blacked out. 

I can't figure out how to explain it to them, my doctor says, oh, that's anxiety...and I'm like no, it's different than that, it's like I can't remember how to finish a sentence, and words fall out of my head all the time, or they are on the tip of my tongue and I think is this loss of cognitive function? Because that sounds closer to what I'm trying to describe, but it's more like, it's hard for me to think because the adrenaline is distracting me....then I start to realize all my other symptoms are because of this constant surge of adrenaline, my body is @#% exhausted! OMGS, that's why my hair is falling out, and I can't ever sleep and I'm hypervigilant all the damn time because I'm terrified I'm going to get fired at work.  (this is the moment of awareness - which immediately triggers My Crazy to take over and I disassociate, it doesn't happen here, because I ignored the adrenaline feeling and tightness in my chest and kept going, but it feels like I'm underwater, so I type as fast as I can before I just need to breathe again) Because I can't "pay better attention" which is what I'm being told by my (abuser) manager.  I asked for reasonable accommodations so many times, but they don't get why I'm asking....so I started doing the research, and the more something clicks for me, like I suddenly have conscious awareness, it's that feeling again, like it's on the tip of my tongue, and I can't quite put it into words, and then THAT thought, that split second of awareness triggers my PTSD symptoms.  And I can't think.  Then my inner child takes over and starts babbling things that ARE the right words for OUR truth as abused/neglected children....but HR doesn't care that my manager hurts my feelings and I think she's a bully.  I need to work on HOW to say the things that hurt me the most, because even telling them brings up the trauma and then everyone is only paying attention to the way I say things and not what I'm really saying.  They just hear me through their neurotypical brains that can't relate to any of the things I'm saying, and they mean well but they aren't HEARING me.  And it's causing SUCH distress, plus I have no support system and I can't get any of these therapists to listen to me either, I'm trying a new one, and our first session was TERRIBLE...not because I'm not giving her a chance, but because I've already been in therapy on and off for years, and each time it's just more cognitive behavior BS, I keep TELLING them, that's not going to work on me, I can even explain to you WHY, I'm hyper self aware I seriously understand everything that's going on inside me, I can even tell you which core wounds my manager is triggering and WHY she's triggering me, but because it happens daily, I can't even PROCESS the trauma I've experienced since the start of the pandemic, including getting myself out of an abusive situation and losing all of my stuff in the process, then living a year in an unsafe apartment with no heat or AC, and I'm FINALLY in a nice apartment

Here is where I stopped writing.  Because I realize I needed to scroll back to the top and add a disclaimer, but because My Crazy had taken over, I wanted to explain who she was, but she just kept taking over, so I let her...it wasn't as bad as I imagined she would be, which helps, usually when I realize she has done it (when I'm talking to someone) I get really embarrassed and apologize for rambling.  It's just that I'm starved for someone to talk to, because I'm also dealing with chronic isolation.  But this post is really long and I was able to get a lot out.  I am going to try to relax enough to get some sleep...people always suggest journaling for a way for me to process...but it causes such dysregulation that I feel like i'm caught in a trauma loop.  I'm very concerned and I don't have the support I need. 

This really helped...>This is the first time I've been able to talk to myself....and allow myself to tell my story to someone that won't jump to medicate me right away.  Thank you friends.  Tomorrow, I'll go back and separate out the different things and try to make sense of everything she said.  There was lots of helpful information she shared, she's just really mad because no one listens to her.  Then I'm immediately back in my childhood and the actually c-ptsd kicks in.   It's like a layer cake of trauma. 

I tried explaining all of this to my new therapist and asked her for advice on how to get out of this trauma loop (because I've been trapped in it for weeks) and her suggestion? Breathe.

Thank you for sharing, Eerie Anne. I'm glad it was helpful for you and I agree, it's nice to be able to share our stories to people who won't diagnose or medicate us  :Idunno:
I commend you for letting your inner child speak. I've been working a lot on recognizing and caring for my inner child, and I know just how confusing it can be. You have inspired me to let my inner child speak, and to maybe even record some of the things she is saying.
I also relate with having to go to doctors and basically spoon-feed them the diagnoses we need  :blink: I also have complicated things going on in my body, and wonder just how much of it was caused by the trauma hidden inside of me. I will forever be physically sick and it makes me sad/angry to think some of this could have been avoided if I wasn't traumatized. Our bodies are complicated and always looking out for us--but that can show up in troubling and dangerous symptoms. Sending you a hug and I hope you can get some good rest tonight. Thank you for sharing with us

hi, EireAnne (or is it Eerie Anne?  may i just write EA and cover both possibilities?), welcome to this forum.  thank you for sharing your story, thoughts, and words.  you are being heard here.  all parts welcome. 

many of us have discovered that CB therapy doesn't work well for trauma.  is there a chance you could see a trauma-informed therapist?  you may get better suggestions than 'breathe', better understanding of you and your parts, how they've been protecting you while you've wandered thru an unsafe world.  we've got you, and we're listening.  sending a gentle hug, if that's ok. :hug:

I'm new here, so I'm not sure if I just keep replying to my journal with new entries, or what, so I'm just hitting reply....

Today was a good day.  Well, I good "for me" day.  I have so many layered reasons why the words were so important to me...having them makes me feel empowered, and I definitely feel that right now. 

I woke up with the feeling of adrenaline racing through my system. I now know this is called amygdala hijacking.  Thank you!!  I kept telling doctors it wasn't anxiety.  I made some tea, I tried meditation, I tried dancing. None of those things helped (they never do, but ppl keep telling me to do them anyway *rolls eyes*  it at least cleared my head enough to remember I needed to call the pharmacy. Basically it's something simple like the prescription says 9 pills but it's an 8-pill blister pack (I'm making up those numbers) and so the pharmacy says they've repeatedly contacted my doctor's office for clarification. I understand what is going on, I dealt with this last time and even TOLD the doctor this happened so make sure the quantity is correct and I've been waiting a month.

Her response of "you need to call the doctor's office and let them know we are waiting on a response" triggered my feelings of not being heard and I immediately went into panic mode. In trying to explain I recognized "trauma brain" had taken over. I literally said to her, "I'm so sorry, I'm dealing with trauma right now....you know, I can't remember what I said (seriously, why can't I remember things I've JUST SAID?) but I was able to articulate what was happening clearly and she understood. She told me to take a deep breath (but not in a dismissive way) and I was able to further articulate the embarrassment I felt because it's not ME, it's my symptoms and I can't control them and I burst into tears, she just calmly talked to me and validated my experience and frustration. It immediately stopped the trauma response and I was able to further articulate how exhausted and frustrated I had been feeling, and I even expressed the cause for the current trauma I'm experiencing, and again she validated my experience...I was so grateful, AND she was able to call the pharmacy for me, who called the doctor's office and she told me who at the doctor's office she spoke with, so I could follow up. She then reminded me to ask specific questions, like when are you going to call the pharmacy, and in what format, so that I could follow up and say, "my doctor's office contacted you via fax on this date" sort of thing.  I just have to remember to call them tomorrow.  I feel relieved and empowered....I am so grateful for people that listen and interpret what I'm saying correctly.

What is it called that when I am in the...state of having my amygdala hijacked?..activated trauma state? and I have no conscious memory of the things I've said while dealing with the symptoms of my trauma response?  One of the symptoms of my disability is Issues with both explicit and implicit memory?

See, it's like I have the words but I'm still not sure how to use them...and I still dont' have ALL the words...Any help is appreciated. 

hi, EA, as far as writing in your journal, it's yours to write in as best helps you.  if you check out some journals, you can see a variety of ways people use them.  it's your journal.

i can relate to forgetting something i've just said, especially when speaking w/ professionals or 'authority' figures.  i've gotten flustered, tuned out, am unable to understand what they're telling me at times, and have also cried.  trauma brain does its own thing.  i'm glad you spoke w/ someone who was kind and patient w/ you.

i believe as you continue in recovery of your true self, some of this will become easier, symptoms will lessen, and you'll feel more in control.  too many times we've run into professionals who don't listen to us, and it is extremely frustrating.  know that you're not alone with this.  keep going, ok?  we're here for you.   :hug:

Hello EA. I have read your intro post and also this thread.

I just wanted to say that I found your main journal entry very compelling. Yes, it's stream of consciousness but it is clear and you convey your experience and feelings very well.

My understanding of what you have written that one of your worries is having to convey the problem to other people such as your employer. Doing so in the moment is triggering your trauma response which you feel is making you unable to articulate the situation in a way that the other person is able to understand properly. Then the other person's lack of understanding is making you feel that you are not heard. Then their attempts to offer helpful suggestions are triggering you even more because you don't feel the suggestions are helpful and could not possibly be helpful because how can they address the problem if they don't even understand it. Is that sort of on the right track?

Two main things strike me.

The first is that since you (with the help of My Crazy) are able to convey the problem in writing (assuming I have understood it to an adequate degree) then might you be able to keep journalling the problems and what your employer could do to help you, and then edit until you end up with a document that you feel you could present to an employer?

The second is that when your therapist told you to breathe you felt unheard and thought the advice dismissive but when the pharmacy lady was kind to you and also told you to breathe you found this helpful. Could you think more on the interaction with the pharmacy lady and why it was you found her to be helpful? Are you able to remember more about exactly what you said/did/felt and what she said in reply? And how that made you feel. I know your trauma response messes with your memory, especially in the moment, but it sounds like you remember quite a bit of this particular interaction and might possibly be able to remember more. Then perhaps you could tell (or write and then read out to) your therapist what it was about the pharmacy lady that made you respond to her, so your therapist can learn from this. I think the advice to breathe is good, even if it sounds basic and possibly dismissive. I think you would do well to encourage yourself and My Crazy to take a moment and breathe when the trauma starts bubbling up. I wonder whether you might be able to lead My Crazy in some deep breathing, perhaps when you are both feeling calm, so as to get in practice for when things might start feeling a bit more tough.

Also, and forgive me if I am overstepping the mark here, but I notice you call your inner child My Crazy. Why do you call her that? How does she feel about it?

I still am not clear on how to work the journal.  If I focus on what it is I'm trying to journal about, I feel like I'm ignoring all the helpful responses I've received and if I focus on responding, then I'm not getting my thoughts out, but I'm too busy feeling bad I may unintentionally hurt someone's feelings and then I feel selfish that I am so needy right now that I shut down. 

I'm sorry to everyone, but now I am to the point where my own thoughts are triggers and I can't escape my thoughts because I know they are valid, but I can't find anyone else to validate them, then I am not even sure I'm communicating effectively because everyone keeps misinterpreting my intentions, and I feel like I am losing my mind.  I keep overthinking everything, like the journal should be in linear order, I should separate out my thoughts into different posts, I should get it all out, but what if I get it all out and it makes things worse? So I should distract myself until I can think more rationally, only I can't think rationally or linear because I'm trapped in a trauma response which is compounded by being chronically isolated and then I'm resentful...it's like a ball of yarn that's so tangled...and I KNOW I can make people understand me, so why does it seem so hard all the time?  Then I start worrying if I may be autistic or have adhd, and it's like, NO I'm not WORRIED, and no, I won't breathe a sigh of relief if I get tested and finally have a name for it, what I'm saying is, can we ALL focus on the TRAUMA before we go misdiagnosing me AGAIN?  Why can't I be heard!? and then I'm angry, and I've been saying ALL ALONG my main trigger is not being heard, and I have no one to talk to.  It's literally as simple as that.  Then I want to cry, because I'm exhausted and I've been saying the same thing for so long my entire life but no one gets it.  And then even my little introductory disclaimer turns into a venting session because I have SOOO much to get out no wonder no one wants to listen to me!? 

I can't even answer the question, "How are you?" How am I? I'm lonely. I've been lonely so long I identify with feelings of chronic isolation and not one person will say, wow, that sounds bad, what can I do to help? Oh wait, one person did and I was like, wow, Best question ever, I need to talk to you, he said give me 4 weeks. Ok, reasonable...except now 4 has turned into 7.  and I mentioned that I was impatient to talk to him, he said, I can see you sooner! I said, it's not sooner, it's MORE OFTEN, and you know his response?  NOTHING.  He hasn't responded.  And he can't understand why that's a trigger for me.  Then I start overthinking, did I say it the wrong way? Is he interpreting it the wrong way? Am I putting too much pressure on him because he's literally the ONLY person that said yes? OMGS WHY AM I SO NEEDY?

I've literally said over and over to everyone I know in various ways, "I miss when we used to talk every day, I miss when we used to have a group chat, I really am feeling very lonely" and no one listens, but everyone assures me I will be fine.  They tell me I'm just depressed and maybe I should be medicated.  Or I should join a support group, or get a pet, or or or and I just want to scream! 

I explained to one friend I have decision fatigue and it makes it really hard for me to do things like pick out a new pots and pans set, can she help, she says sure! I love shopping! But then I never hear from her again, and I remind her to the point that it becomes awkward.  Or this other lady that has a beautiful mural on her wall of a tree and I said, I've got paint can you come over and help me paint a tree on my wall too? It is very important to me, and she says OF COURSE, but that was a year ago and I've asked her about 8 times...so it's like, I get the feeling it's better never to ask anyone for anything, especially just to have a conversation with me so I remember what talking is like.

Do you know how often my phone rings? And every time it does I have that feeling, oh, is someone ACTUALLY hearing my need?? Are they calling to talk? No, it's another spambot.  I can't regulate my need because it feels like I'm drowning and I'm begging for a life preserver and everyone is on the shore watching me struggle, saying, "Oh, my heart goes out to her, I wish there was something we can do, but I'm not a medical professional, so I'm just going to insert (useless suggestion) and feel better about myself as I watch her drown.  I want to send every single person I have asked for help this link https://youtu.be/NCxI3Z94gEk but now we are venturing into passive aggressive territory.

I feel like the first issue is no one has a frame of reference to the way I feel.  Very few people are rarely alone.  I want to illustrate it for them. 
Think of the pandemic, everyone had a "bubble".  My bubble was buzzfeed YouTube videos.  I basically imprint on these people and relate to them as if they are friends.  They are a source of comfort and distraction for me as they shared issues I can relate with.  The people I consider friends are my inner circle.  However, I am not their inner circle, I am maybe in the 35th ring of their circle, so here I am begging for a call and they've got their own things they need to deal with, they don't get why it's so vitally important to me that they say a thing and they don't follow through...that in itself is another trigger for me, the fact that I ask for something SO RARELY so why can't you just give me the thing?? 

Sigh, I am afraid I'm not making much sense, so I'm just going to go start posting all my "word vomit" journal entries and see how I feel after I get some of this stuff out :(

TRIGGER WARNING (sorry, maybe, I just assume anything I say may unintentionally trigger someone)

I had originally typed this out last night to a really great online community I found called Feely Human, but as I started, it turned into a journal entry...and that keeps happening a lot, a text to a friend turns into a post turns into a journal...it's like there are too many things trying to get out that I'm just this raw exposed wound begging to be heard. 

So here are the pieces to my jigsaw puzzle, maybe you all can help me piece it together. This is very challenging for me, as my amygdala is currently being hijacked so I have to work through the symptoms fast to be able to type this (not sure it's accurate, but close enough) To my benefit (or is it?) one of my more fun symptoms is I can talk to my inner child. I can see exactly what each trigger is, the core wound involved and the validity of why it's a trigger. But to say it usually ends up (bad).

(Jigsaw piece one) I feel like I've told a facet of my situation to a select few number of people. (I feel like saying IRL, like you all aren't real...in my non-virtual life? haha) Unfortunately, because I also deal with chronic isolation, I don't have the luxury of having a safe space, my brain latches on to ANYONE that will give me attention, I even reached out to people I don't even LIKE very much (here is a triggering part that I need to vent about) So it's like, I'm aware, right now that my brain is desperately avoiding that, because it's laced with valid emotions I have every right to feel but can't validate. Even thinking about it triggers a trauma response.

(Jigsaw piece two) See, that's just it. I mean, it's happening right now, so I can explain it to you. I am VERY consciously aware of what is happening, and what triggers it. I can name it, but in doing so, I get EXTREMELY dysregulated. And all the literature out there is...WRONG, so everyone is trying to treat it by not listening to me? haha. It's like I'm trapped in a loop, it's SO annoying, and then it distracts me from what I'm trying to say....because my brain is trying to protect me soooo much is causing all these physical symptoms from the strain. And I literally cannot get anyone to understand, because it keeps coming out as people treating me for PTSD, which is NOT the same thing. So then, I say things like workplace abuse, because it fits. So then everyone starts focusing on the wrong thing. Not one person is catching on that I'm explaining to everyone perfectly what is going on, but somehow....it doesn't make sense to anyone else? And nothing anyone says to me makes sense either. And it's like...oh yeah, this is what it feels like to be hijacked. Sigh. So then, someone asks, "how are you?" and I like....I just laugh, because this whole thing is ridiculous and probably wouldn't take me so long if I just had other people to consistently talk to so SOMEONE else can keep track of what I'm TRYING to say, but my own brain is sabotaging me because it's too primitive to understand I'm not in actual danger.

(Jigsaw piece three) I have major valid concerns that I want to name. They are rational, reasonable concerns should you have the proper amount of context. They are causing anxiety, which I can recognize and am aware is a rational response...and what's the other word? Like...measurable? maybe. Measured? Here is where I forget words. Now, that's also one of my triggers. So I panic when I can't think of a word. But again, if you had CONTEXT you would know why. It is a valid concern. But everyone around me treats me like I'm having irrational responses to small things, because they...aren't in my head, aren't asking for context....Here's another trigger word....so I can't continue

(Jigsaw piece four) I have tools. I have healthy coping mechanisms. I am going for a trauma informed massage. I'm giving myself what I need right now, even though I have concerns it may just be what I want? I'm trying my best to listen to my intuition, it never steers me wrong.

I have a few trauma informed friends + one friend willing to listen. I have a really nice neighbor that also has c-ptsd (although she may have just given me covid) I have this community. I have each one of you that has taken the time to hold space for me (thank you) I have a really interesting meditation group...Palouse? I dunno, but I found a zoom weekly meditation as part of the course where the instructor focuses on compassion, they are really awesome.

(jigsaw piece five) I truly think one of the main problems is I rarely feel a sense of psychological safety due to valid concerns that I am having a measured response to if given the right amount of context to fully understand the situation, but what is ACTUALLY going on with me is completely confusing everyone, because instead of just asking me for context, It's literally the word context that triggers me, as in, please someone, ask me for the necessary context so you can fully understand my story, but I'm too busy being triggered to be able to even TELL it, because I do not actually have that kind of level of intimacy with anyone...and those that I thought I did...well, it turned out those people weren't really my friends *shrug* Sigh, which turns into ANOTHER trigger.

(Jigsaw piece six) I get confused about how to explain things to people sometimes, and I can never find an analogy or frame of reference to get them to understand me. Like someone you just can't see eye to eye with...I can give you all examples, but I don't know how to put it into words :(

(Jigsaw piece seven) I've been telling each bit of the story until I can talk about the things that trigger me, and I've been trying to find a therapist for over a month (another trigger) so please everyone cross your fingers because I had a consultation with what I really (insert feelings here) is a competent person that I have a similar communication style with so I don't have to work so hard to be heard, because literally, it's the one thing I've been begging for, but no one hears me.

Do you all see why this has been so exhausting/frustrating/infuriating <- see I can name ALL my emotions, I'm just having ALL of them at the same time, hahaha. I appreciate all of you.

Please do not ever worry about me, yes, we should all have righteous indignation that my organization allowed this to happen, because they don't seem to grasp that inclusion means for EVERYONE, even the neurodiverse! *gasp* and if I had been allowed the accommodations I have been ASKING for my psychological health probably wouldn't have deteriorated to this extent.

Unfortunately, my angry looks like scared and my scared looks like angry, so everyone misreads the situation and no one listens to what I'm actually saying. Only half the time I'm saying the wrong thing.

Any time I try to talk about the things that trigger me, either my inner child comes out and talks about what is *really* bothering me, or I have a (still don't know what to call it). But I'm slowly piecing everything together, only right now my brain is so loopy I can't even.

This breakdown was brought to you by the word CONTEXT lololol
The other night, my friend was so smart, she would ask me a question like, "what is it about the word context that's upsetting you) and I would try to tell her as much as my trauma brain allowed her to. I feel like I can take ALL these things to the new therapist and say, can you help me put these all together and understand why these things are so desperately important to me so I can move past this? KThxBai

I don't even understand what I'm asking for anymore.  I don't know how I got here or why I'm stuck here or how to get past this loop.  This is where I'm stuck, and I'm so frustrated and helpless and angry and I know I have every right to feel these things, but I don't know what to DO. Only, after I read "what to do" I realize, I'm already DOING all of those things to the best of my ability, just right now, all I want is to be taken care of, like a mom was supposed to have taken care of me, because I don't WANT to be the only one doing this work, I WANT AND NEED support and the closest thing I can get to support right now is talking to myself  :(

I don't feel I have permission to feel my feelings.  I can't be sad about a situation without being told I'm depressed.  I can't be scared about things that I feel helpless about, or resentful, or any of the emotions that come up because EVERY time I do, someone with good intentions thinking they are so helpful gives me feedback that is not in line with my experience.  Then I feel like a victim.  I need to have my feelings validated so I can feel empowered, but how can I do that when no one is "listening" and I don't mean in a way that means, "I hear you" I mean in a way that is "I understand you" Because even the people that are SAYING they understand with compassionate empathy aren't understanding what they are witnessing because they don't have the necessary context and don't bother asking for clarification. They tell me to use a feelings wheel to better identify my feelings, I KNOW what my feelings are, you all just aren't letting me express them until I feel HEARD. 

Meditation Everyone says meditation is great.  Meditation doesn't work for me because I have unprocessed trauma that my brain is desperately trying to make sense of, so it spends every waking minute (and possibly every moment I am asleep) attempting to process, so I can make sense of it, so I can put it into words! 

Meditation reminds you that thoughts are just things, and you should observe them and let them go...but for me, my thoughts NEED to be articulated, only they are trapped in my head as feelings (that I can name) and thoughts (that are tied to emotion, which then loops back to feelings) but when I attempt to put them into words...they are misunderstood.

When I try to meditate it ends up turning into a journaling session for me because these thoughts I have may be relevant information to what I need to process the trauma....and therefore I get frustrated by it, because journaling hasn't been effective either.

Sure, I can be curious about my thoughts and observe them with detachment, but the reason why meditation isn't working for me is because my thoughts are just begging to be HEARD, but first I need help putting them into words, and observing my thoughts with detachment and curiosity does NOT help with that.

If meditation is simply a way to "get out of my own head a bit" then sitting still while my brain assumes this is a great opportunity to process the trauma is not effective.  So yes, I do various activities to occasionally have moments where I can get outside my own head.  I have the capacity to put my own needs aside and be fully present for another person.  "Meditation" is not a useful suggestion for me. 

Possible trigger warnings as I'm not trying to invalidate anyone else

Psychological trauma So I'm trying to better understand MY condition, and I'm so frustrated because most everything is wrong, so if people are using things like this to understand what is going on with me instead of just asking, then the situation is getting worse.  I'm just going to vent a bit and I'm sorry if my situation is different and you find this information helpful, I am not discounting anyone else's experience.

Mental trauma or psychotrauma is an emotional response to a distressing event or series of events, such as accidents, rape, or natural disasters. Reactions such as psychological shock and psychological denial are typical. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, difficulties with interpersonal relationships and sometimes physical symptoms including headaches or nausea.[1]

This whole entire Wikipedia entry makes me so mad. 

it's all wrong – at least it is for me because no one has the context of what is going on, so they attribute all these symptoms! And I feel so helpless because I want to advocate for myself and set the record straight but this is the widely held belief!!!

People who go through extremely traumatizing experiences often have problems and difficulties afterwards. Yes, but they make it appear like I have difficulties with like, loud noises that remind me of situations.  "The benign stimulus becomes a trauma reminder, also caused a trauma trigger" Well my triggers are being misunderstood and not having enough context to understand. That "Re-experiencing" can damage my ability to regulate emotions – um no, having my amygdala hijacked by situations that trigger my core wounds of not being heard when I was a child are causing me to be unable to regulate my emotions, because I literally can't get my thoughts straight and no one is listening!

"Often the person can be completely unaware of what these triggers are. In many cases, this may lead a person with a traumatic disorder to engage in disruptive behaviors or self-destructive coping mechanisms, often without being fully aware of the nature or causes of their own actions. Panic attacks are an example of a psychosomatic response to such emotional triggers." Well someone reading that will just say, see, you were just having a panic attack, this is understandable, you aren't managing your trauma well.  Meanwhile, I'm like, No, I know exactly what my triggers are, I do not HAVE disruptive behaviors, I've just been in a state of stress so long my body and brain are reacting to the fact I haven't had appropriate support for this issue and it's starting to break down. 

"Consequently, intense feelings of anger may frequently surface" – yes, I am very frustrated at how many people I have tried to explain this to, but they dismiss it or find some other way to pass my problem off to someone else and disregard me.  I have valid reasons for being angry, but again it says, "sometimes in inappropriate or unexpected situations, as danger may always seem to be present due to re-experiencing past events. Upsetting memories such as images, thoughts, or flashbacks may haunt the person, and nightmares may be frequent.[11] Insomnia may occur as lurking fears and insecurity keep the person vigilant and on the lookout for danger, both day and night." And people are paying more attention to THAT and less attention to just ASKING me, so what is triggering your anger, why do you have insomnia? Well, it all goes back to me not being able to articulate accurately what's happening without the constant amygdala hijacking so my brain is all screwed up and all anyone does is offer resources when I tell them I'm just lonely and I need someone to talk to

The person may not remember what actually happened, while emotions experienced during the trauma may be re-experienced without the person understanding why (see Repressed Memory). This can lead to the traumatic events being constantly experienced as if they were happening in the present, preventing the subject from gaining perspective on the experience.
No, I can't actually remember what happened because my brain lables it as charged with emotion, do not go there...but I can remember what happened, I just can't write it down or say it without my amygdala being hijacked.  Simple things like conversations I have had that have frustrated or confused me are now super charged with emotions. 

Reading articles like this are now supercharged because even as I journal about it I'm not saying what I'm really trying to say because I can't articulate what I'm REALLY trying to say so my brain things of a less triggering scenario and I run with that.  I get mad at my friends when I say something specific to them like, "I need someone to talk to" and they do everything BUT. (which literally JUST happened as I was writing this) I want to rant for an hour of how each one of my "friends" have somehow disappointed me to the point I don't even want to make new friends or bother, or if I do I have to remember to NEVER ask them for ANYTHING and not count on them, and not depend on them, because omgs now I'm * CODEPENDENT for even suggesting I am lonely!

Isolation

When I read literature about how people self-isolate, and well-meaning "friends" say things to me like, I know you are taking time for yourself now, I sense you want to be left alone, it all makes me so angry. 


Meditation
The more we become identified with our thoughts, the more we are lost in our individual narrative, disconnected from what we have in common with other humans and other forms of life.  We have turned our sense of self over to our thinking mind, leaving us lost in thought, disembodied.

Yes – because I am 100% enmeshed in my own thoughts, I feel completely disconnected from everyone that even when I try to connect and it's met with....(see isolation) that I just get further and further trapped in my own mind. 

I'm not "getting carried away by my thoughts' I'm trapped by not being able to say what it is that I'm trying to say because there's too much that's been unsaid for what feels like my entire life.  So how do I get all this OUT?? NOT, how do I sit and observe them but attach no meaning to them, because that makes me feel invalidated as well.

Quote from: Eireanne on March 24, 2023, 01:53:12 PM
I still am not clear on how to work the journal.  If I focus on what it is I'm trying to journal about, I feel like I'm ignoring all the helpful responses I've received and if I focus on responding, then I'm not getting my thoughts out, but I'm too busy feeling bad I may unintentionally hurt someone's feelings and then I feel selfish that I am so needy right now that I shut down. 

I understand the dilemma. I usually end up responding to those who have replied in my Journal. But that's one of my problems  - prioritising other people over myself. It is PERFECTLY OK to just go ahead and get your own thoughts out and not feel bad! It really looks as if you have a lot of thoughts to get out too. Once you've been getting them out for a while, you may notice you want to respond to other posters and then you can. I would suggest trying to feel what YOU want to do. Then do that. I'm OK with not getting a response to this post, I won't be hurt or offended :)

It's such a long process, EAnne. Standing with you through it. We were all in situations mostly at least 20+ years where these traumas occurred. We simply can't get it out and undo it all at once. It takes a long time. Little by little it will get out and there will be pieces of relief.

I often can't respond to people's responses in my journal even though what they've written has been a salve and just what I needed to hear. I can respond to others in their journals, but responding to what people wrote in mine is difficult. I mostly try to acknowledge that what people said was helpful without going into much detail, exactly so I'll still have the emotional energy to write new stuff. It's OK, whatever is helpful to you.

I'm laying down, trying to get tired enough to sleep (thanks hypervigilance) and I'm trying to focus on the TV show I have on, because it's the only way I can quiet my brain enough to sleep.  It's always been this way, and I can't get other people to understand why "sleep hygiene" doesn't work for me...only, the thing I was thinking that seemed super important, so important I needed to stop trying to sleep and grab my laptop....by the time I get to a place where I'm writing a post, the thought is gone, so I have to try to grasp onto it like a balloon string slipping away and the thought floats away....

This happens so often, I was reading about it in the forum, a lot of people have these cognitive issues, I just wish I knew what they were called, and I'm trying to explain to my friends that THEY need to pay attention when I talk, because the thought is there somewhere, but it's all mixed up in the trauma.

For me right now, the trigger is context.  I've been saying it for so long that it's become traumatic for me.  When I don't have enough context to understand a situation, it makes me anxious.  When I cannot figure out how to frame something I'm trying to express to someone who doesn't have the same lived experience as me, and therefore cannot see my perspective...and even that falls short of really explaining it right, and see here's where I get stuck, I can't EXPLAIN it...and now I'm frustrated, I just want the other person to see what I'm saying, but there's never that moment of, Oh, I get it! there's just more and more confusion and I end up owning it. I don't know why it keeps happening, and I get SO confused, and then I'm scared, and then....trauma response. 

But even that is half of it, there's the other half, where the person doesn't understand me and I'm NOT confused, I know what I'm saying, and so I texted my friend the other night and asked, "Do you ever get into conversations when someone completely misinterprets what you're saying, so you try to phrase what you're trying to say a different way, but you just have a different communication style and nothing you say is effective?" 

To illustrate my point, the other day I had a zoom meeting.  When it started, the assumption is that I should have my camera on, which I did, only I'm backlit, and only appearing as a silhouette (this is not intentional).  I explain, "I understand you may need to see me, however I have body dysmorphia and usually keep my camera off, so this setup is not ideal.  If you need to see me, you need to let me know so I can figure something out for you."  Her response was, "there's a setting where you can turn your view off so you can't see yourself, do you want to try that?"  (confusion) Me: "that's really not going to help, as I'm backlit, I just really don't know how to adjust this, as it's not a need I have to see you, I'm not even facing my laptop, as I'm looking at the monitor (where I have my notes for the meeting).  So she asks, "but can you see me? I said yes, but I'm not going to be looking at you anyway, I have my monitor I'm looking at.  She says, ok, well I want you to be able to see that I'm listening to you. Um, ok? (irrelevant to me) so I try asking a different way, Do you need to see me, because right now I am backlit and I know you can't, so if you need to, can you let me know, because I really don't feel like moving my whole setup right now" and her response was, "you don't need to keep your camera on if it makes you uncomfortable. This exchange was enough to cause AH.  I don't understand why, or how...is it simply we have different communication styles? It's got to be more than that because it happens to me constantly, I think I'm speaking English, I think I'm articulating efficiently, am I not? Am I mixing up my words again and saying things that don't make sense? Am I losing my mind? and it's literally again, that I don't have the context to understand why in the first 2 minutes our conversation is already off the rails.  And when I ask someone to explain this to me they say, "that sounds very frustrating, I can understand why you'd be upset"

Tangent because Inner Child has something to say: I really don't understand this whole zoom need to see people when we talk, I find it very distracting.  I was able to communicate effectively with people for YEARS before zoom even existed - it's called the telephone!  I really don't understand why people think they need that, but then I realize my perspective.  I get it's a need other people have that I don't, it doesn't make their need irrelevant (like how my need for accommodations at work keep getting denied because the person deciding whether *I* need them is based on whether or not SHE needs them, so basically since it's a need she doesn't have, then I don't need it either....I've been trying to say this over and over but no one understands :( Can someone help me phrase this the way I'm trying to say it?

So when I start thinking of the times I needed context, asked for it and it wasn't given to me, all of these have now become trauma for me.  To try to give examples triggers a trauma response.  Documenting it....I keep trying to explain, it's not what was said, it is HOW, the implications, and when I try to get someone else to see them and no one else does I feel like I'm being gaslit...which reminds me of the years I spent...which reminds me of my childhood, and it's all tied up in a big sloppy bow.

And see here's the part where I think I'm calm, because I've said it well, and I've said it correct but if I try to elaborate, my brain runs away from it. 

Breathe To the therapist that told me to "breathe"

What I needed to hear was, "Another way to prevent amygdala hijacking is to use the 6-second rule. Waiting for just six seconds causes the brain chemicals that cause amygdala hijacking to diffuse away. Breathing deeply or focusing on a pleasant image helps to prevent your amygdala from taking control and causing an emotional reaction."

So much more helpful than just telling me to breathe.  I need context, I need to understand WHY.  When to breathe, why am I breathing, I need the science, I need the words, I need to understand, "what you are experiencing is called an amygdala hijack, so it makes total sense that you feel like you're going crazy, your brain is not capable of cognitive function during this time.  When you sense it happening, and you know your own triggers, try taking a few deep breathes and focus on a pleasant memory (ha, fat load of good that is trying to come up with a pleasant memory while you're trapped in your own nightmare) We can at least TRY to come up with pleasant memories!...so sad. All my pleasant memories are so closely tied to individuals that are currently too busy to be there for me when I need help, and I feel so alone in this, and I've always felt alone because I've never had the support I needed, it's always been me taking care of my self to the best of my ability with no tools and no understanding how to do any of this.

Sigh.

I appreciate your reflection on being told to "breathe."  It doesn't set well with me or help me and I wish it wasn't something folks suggested.

hey, EA, i've also been thru the 'sleep hygiene' lecture - so to speak - and it didn't work for me, either.  as i've progressed in recovery, i've found a routine that works quite well for me most nights, plus my meds, so i'm fairly okay w/ how i'm sleeping now.

it's tough when 2 people are trying to communicate but they're on different planes and can't get thru to each other.  it's so very frustrating to not be understood, no matter how many ways you say the same thing.

there was a woman on this forum who used to give the suggestion to 'breathe, just breathe', and to me it always came off as taking a beat, let yourself be for a moment.  i found it very helpful when i was feeling frantic and/or flustered.  however, that's me.  one thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone.  we're learning to do what's best for us.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 25, 2023, 03:31:02 PM
there was a woman on this forum who used to give the suggestion to 'breathe, just breathe', and to me it always came off as taking a beat, let yourself be for a moment.  i found it very helpful when i was feeling frantic and/or flustered. 

That's how I understood it too and sometimes it would work for me. Probably not if I was really EF-y and/or in the throes of a huge AH.

Eireanne, breathing as a grounding/distracting method is actually not good for everybody with cptsd because it can be triggering all on its own! It can bring stuff up from the depths. It does for me for example. As san wrote, not everything works for everybody. I think everybody's cptsd is a little different, just like we human beings are all a little different from one another. Living with cptsd or even recovery from it for those who manage is a journey in finding out what works for oneself.

Yesterday, for the first time I went out in several months and attempted to explain why I was on disability...I still haven't sorted out a way to explain it in "layman's terms" and it sounded so stupid in my own ears, I can't seem to get other people to grasp what is going on and I feel so defeated.  I don't know what to do or how to talk to people anymore. 

I keep getting into misunderstandings with everyone.  Even here.  I said, I don't know how to respond to people - I meant literally, what am I supposed to do, respond in a journal entry?  Then I saw there's a message feature, so I have been using that, but unsure if people see their messages. I ask what I think is a simple question and people misinterpret it. I wonder, is it me? Is there a better way of saying things? And I obsessively overthink everything to the point I'm upset about it. 

The issue is, I don't know how to even talk to anyone anymore. I don't have any interactions with other people on a daily basis consistently enough to remember how to effectively communicate and every waking minute is taken up by me trying to figure out how to even explain my c-ptsd and trauma response in "layman's terms" so I don't have to keep explaining to people...and I want to have to NOT explain it to people, but it's ALL that is in my head.  I can't remember things like, "what I do for fun" I can't remember fun, I can't remember anything anymore.  The situation I'm in currently is ALL I think about. 

I need to have connections with people and people misunderstand and think I need to be AROUND people, so they tell me to volunteer. But that's just me being NEAR people.  I went to a volunteer thank you (thing - see I can't even remember what it was called, words fall out of my head all the time) yesterday and I told people, "I'm having a lot of anxiety right now because I've been chronically isolated.  This is the first time I've been out of the house and around other people in months, I'm not used to it.  I don't know what to talk to people about, since I've been on medical leave from work, part of my symptoms have caused me to become immunocompromised and I have to wear a mask, which makes me self conscious, so I'm lonely, self conscious, and feeling really anxious, it's getting in the way of me being able to remember how to mingle and make small talk".

The first lady that heard me say this gasped and took a step away from me warning other people to keep their distance, because all she heard was being near people made me uncomfortable because I'm immunocompromised.  Thankfully she said this out loud, so I could say, that is NOT what I said, and said it again to a man who had just joined us.  He understood and was kind.  Other people included me to sit at their table with them while we ate, but at the end of it I still didn't feel like I could truly connect with anyone and all they kept telling me was I should volunteer more.  I said I DID I did all the volunteering last year, but it's transactional, it doesn't help with me not feeling CONNECTED to anything anymore. 

Why can't I explain this to ANYONE so they get it.  Then people tell me to get a dog, because a dog is a great way to meet people. I really just want to cry.  I no longer even know what to talk to my friends about, I'm so lost. 

I don't want to keep announcing to people that I'm on disability and I've forgotten how to communicate to the point it's making me sick.  I lived my entire life being "weird" now I'm a total outcast.  What do I do?

I'm sorry, EerieAnne, I totally misunderstood what you were asking. I thought you were referring to how to respond in terms of content. But in terms of how to respond, yes you would just use the reply button at the top, just like you do adding your own new journal entries. There's also a quote function if you want to respond to a specific statement, like this. Once you start a reply, you can scroll down to another post below and you'll see "insert quote" at the top of a post. That will grab the whole post and put it in quotes, and you can cut out sections you don't want to include. Misunderstandings can make me feel alien and like no one understands and that feeling of being "other" is a very common and painful symptom of trauma survivors.

Quote from: Eireanne on March 27, 2023, 02:13:03 PM

I keep getting into misunderstandings with everyone.  Even here.  I said, I don't know how to respond to people - I meant literally, what am I supposed to do, respond in a journal entry?  Then I saw there's a message feature, so I have been using that, but unsure if people see their messages. I ask what I think is a simple question and people misinterpret it. I wonder, is it me? Is there a better way of saying things? And I obsessively overthink everything to the point I'm upset about it. 

I resonate with a whole lot in many of your posts. Often your questions and wonderings are things I've gone through and come up with a sort of answer for myself. But that's my answer, it might not be yours! In other words, it might not be what's best for you or best in your situation. Anyway, there is a rule-of-thumb on OOTS about not giving advice. Some mbrs get pretty triggered when given advice. I'm one of those. However it is OK to write about what helped you in a similar situation.

I sense a certain desperation in your posts and it's hard for me to separate myself from that. Although possibly I'm just remembering my own desperation way back when and attributing it to you now.

What helped me back then was Pebbles in Pocket plus Book of Daily Joys. Start out the day with pebbles or lima beans or something of that sort in one pocket and transfer them one by one to the other pocket during the course of the day everytime something good or joyful happens (a sunbeam; somebody understood you; somebody smiled at you in passing, somebody included you in their group etc - you'll find what makes you happy) and then go through the pebbles at the end of the day to jog your memory, then write them in your Book of Daily Joys. This method helps to re-connect your mind to what's fun for you, what helps you, what strengthens your resiliency etc. It also helps shift your mind to concentrate on the good things here and now instead of going through past trauma and wondering 'What did I do wrong??' in a sort of loop. It doesn't mean the bad stuff doesn't exist or that you shove it under the rug as possibly was done in the family you grew up in and-that's-why-you're-in-the-situation-you-are-now-in (which is certainly my case) but that for a certain amount of time you're focussed on other stuff.


One thing other mbrs on here often remind me of: be kind and compassionate to yourself! I tend to forget that. I want to heal right away, get frustrated with myself when I can't function the way i want to etc. I'd like to say that to you too. You might ask: "How can I be kind to myself?" It's a journey of discovery into what's kind for you? What feels good to you?

Possibly an easier way of getting into methods like Pebbles in Pocket / Daily Joys would be to look here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0  Threads of similar topics are pinned at the top. Choose one you like rather than one that annoys or triggers you. There are probably also apps you can use, some of which may be listed on the link I've just given you.

Quote from: Eireanne on March 27, 2023, 02:13:03 PM
I keep getting into misunderstandings with everyone.  Even here.  I said, I don't know how to respond to people - I meant literally, what am I supposed to do, respond in a journal entry?  Then I saw there's a message feature, so I have been using that, but unsure if people see their messages. I ask what I think is a simple question and people misinterpret it. I wonder, is it me? Is there a better way of saying things? And I obsessively overthink everything to the point I'm upset about it. 

I did get your PM but I simply haven't responded because... my own life got in the way. Nothing personal.

I hope I've explained myself clearly up above, but I don't know.  Having difficulty with words/language is part of cptsd for some of us. That's a FACT. It's to do with part of the brain. I'm having particular difficulties atm myself, despite the fact that I'm educated, work with language etc etc

I also really resonate with the struggle to find a T or other medical personnel who really get it!

hey, EA, i also got your PM.  thanks for the thanks. 

i think you communicate well, by the by.  i, too, have problems at times knowing the precise word/words i want to use.  i think sometimes my mind is simply overloaded at that moment.  at least, that's what i'm telling myself, instead of chastising myself for not knowing.  it's part of the 'be gentle' w/ me theory.  we've had too many people who have been harsh and hurtful to us, i think it's important to not do that to ourselves as well.

as for journals, i enjoy responding to other peoples' posts in my journal.  often, what they've said stirs something in me or helps me look at a situation differently, and i like to acknowledge that.  otherwise, i like thanking them for their support.  keep doing what works best for you, ok?  like my T told me, this is a marathon, not a sprint.  sending love and a hug full of clarity to you. :hug:

Hi EA,

I am deeply touched by your situation. In my own life, I've had many times when I've felt similar things. I sometimes think of how trying to explain what CPTSD feels like to people who don't have it must be as difficult as a mother trying to explain to men what childbirth feels like. Or trying to explain what being a plane crash victim feels like to someone who's never flown in a plane. Here, on this forum, we all know what C-PTSD feels like, so my hope is that you can trust that we do understand a lot of what you are saying to us and what we are saying to each other.  We're birds of a feather here.

I'm very glad you found this forum. As you struggle with feeling heard, we can definitely hear you.

I struggle with this often. I have a robust and outgoing personality, but when C-PTSD brings me into deep depression or tongue-tied confusion, non-PTSD survivors look at me like I'm crazy. They don't understand how I could be happy and engaged one day, and then confused and dark the next. I say things out of context. I don't make sense. People think I'm nuts. It hurts. It's embarrassing. It forces me back into isolation, which only deepens my situation.

Please keep communicating with us. We get it.

What you're describing in your posts here feels to me like classic C-PTSD. Whenever I feel like I've sounded incoherent on this forum, the other members have come to my rescue and eased my fears about what I'm saying. The compassion and empathy on this forum are comforting to me and I hope that we can comfort you too.  Nothing you're saying here sounds crazy. It sounds like painful C-PTSD, which is what brought all of us to this forum.

What helps me to calm down when I feel the anxiety of sounding incoherent is I now just say: That's trauma. It's TRAUMA. It's not insanity, it's trauma. Trauma makes us all feel crazy. It's trauma. Trauma. It's not me. And trauma therapists can help us. Trauma drives the isolation. Trauma drives the depression. Trauma drives the feelings of not being heard. Trauma drives the loneliness.  So as we work with the tools of trauma therapy, all the other problems it causes start to fade down to manageble levels. Even though we feel like it's taking too long to feel better, trauma does take time to rise up from.

As far as people telling you to get a dog or to volunteer, I'm sure they're only trying to help, but I learned to stop letting NON-Trauma survivors try to help me. This forum, my therapist, and the books on CPTSD are better sources of information. Non-Trauma survivors may mean  well, but they don't understand trauma, so I don't put much faith in their solution ideas. I appreciate them trying to help, but...

Personally, speaking for myself, it has become a lot easier for me to explain my trauma since I started reading the books. The book that helped me the most in recent years was Pete Walker's book on Complex  PTSD from Surviving to Thriving.  I took notes and even made index cards that I could use to help myself understand why I was doing some of the trauma things I was doing. By reading his explanations of how CPTSD makes us feel alone and unable to understand or explain ourselves, I started to find ways to explain my situation with non-trauma people.

Understanding the trauma, has helped me to start understanding myself. I'm not my trauma, but trauma has been pulling my strings. As I learn what trauma really is, those strings are losing their grip on me.

:hug:

So much more stuff has come up, and so many things to respond to, but I'm taking my time and sorting things out...thank you all for your patience and your kind words...

There was an ask about how come when the therapist told me to breathe it upset me, but the woman on the phone didn't....I had written this down and just want to keep it here for now...

It wasn't the saying of it that upset me, it was the context in which it was said.

In scenario one, my ask was, "I have an unnamed trauma, I need help naming it, the not being able is causing distress - what tools can I use for you to help me name it?"  Her response was to breathe.  Yes. I absolutely comprehend that breathing exercises help with dysregulation, but the dysregulation is being triggered by not having the words...breathing doesn't help me find the words, I needed resources.  The focus for her was to assist me to get my response under control.  My need was to get the resources, I already understand how to get the response under control and was disappointed as a "trauma informed medical professional" she was unable to do that.  Even during our follow up session where I articulated exactly what my need was.  There was never one moment in her exchange where she said, "oh, I see what you're saying" her responses were defensive – "this is why I said that". I'd counter with, "I appreciate your perspective, but can you see why there is this breakdown in communication?" And she'd just double down on where she was coming from.  It was a feeling of disappointment.  And ultimately, not being heard. 

In scenario two, I expressed, "I am experiencing a traumatic response to this conversation and it's inhibiting my ability to communicate effectively, I am experience distress" and the response to breathe was followed by, "I am giving you space to better articulate your thoughts, I understand your need in this moment is to be heard and I am providing that for you". 

I needed the therapist to identify what my need was.  I also expressed to her in my follow up session that I understand that is a challenge. I'm not expecting her to understand, but I am expecting when I say a thing, for it to be validated.  I recognized our communication style was causing me to become dysregulated.  Even pointing out how the importance we were placing on different aspects of the conversation was allowing for miscommunication was not diffusing the situation. 

I said, "I appreciate your willingness to understand my frustration at being consistently misdiagnosed and the helplessness I feel to properly express my symptoms so I can get the help I need.  However, I am not sure we were communicating effectively and I left the session with a huge sense of not being heard.  As this unsettled me, I followed up with some clarifying emails that weren't acknowledged.  From the outset, I explained that because I never have my camera on, my setup is not – right? And I don't know how to adjust it if I need to accommodate your ability to look at me. I don't want or need that.  Instead of saying that's fine, you asked if I could turn my video off, which confused me, because even if the video was off, you'd still have the same view.  I was under the impression you were trauma informed, and what I really needed in that moment were the words I needed to validate my trauma so I could stop the amygdala hijacking. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amygdala_hijack  I am not sure if you even recognized it."

Her response to this was, "It's helpful to have your camera on so I can read visual cues and body language".  To which I replied - you're not going to get any of that, if you need more context, just ask - I can tell you anything you need to know, but I need you to ask." 

Here I am, panicking about the situation I'm in that I've been dealing with in isolation.  I had, at the time I spoke with you last week, had no tools to aide in the support I've been desperately needing to the point I was fearful my condition was worsening to the CTSD diagnosis.  But I needed an outline, a structure, something I could use to focus my panic in more productive ways and telling me to breathe....I'm sorry, but it didn't seem to address my valid concerns.  Then I was filled with self directed anger because of course you won't understand the dynamic of how my trauma presents itself after one conversation, especially a conversation when I don't even have cognitive awareness.   

So I followed up with what I thought were clarifying emails that you did not respond to.  I'm doubting we are a good fit, but first I want to see what you have planned for moving forward with treatment.

I recognized we were still at an impasse, so I went on... 

I really confused when you mentioned Lady Liberty, I hoped it was a support group for people who were experiencing trauma, that I could use as a resource to find empowerment so I could get out of the trauma loop I have been trapped in for weeks.  I was incredibly disappointed to understand you were just saying balance.  Yes, obviously I need balance, but I can't get that if I can't get the symptoms of my disability under control, they've been running unabated for months.  I haven't been able to get the support I need and I came to you for help, I'm feeling really defensive right now and I'm not sure if we should even move forward with treatment. 

To which she responded, "well if you're not up to doing the work, you can drop the call."

Meditation does not help - it's a cue to my brain that it's time to enter the trauma loop to try to process...but I still don't have the words and lack of words make me anxious. 
Journaling does not help - it's a cue to my inner child that it's time to complain about every invalidating feeling I've had to distract me from the stuff my brain doesn't want to process without feedback from an outside perspective - more trauma looping. 

Feelings of validation help – I cannot give them to myself when I'm trapped in my own thinking which is I already know what I'm feeling is real but no one believes me, no one is listening and I'm too traumatized to explain it in a way that is being heard.  I've journaled on this topic quite a bit and can better articulate for you what I mean when I have time to read/process these journal entries.  Again I was waiting for some sign of, where my focus should be – more research, more words, get my story down? Where??? And the lack of direction created a setback that I was able to get myself out of.

I still haven't even gone back and read/processed my previous journal entries...I think right now it's helpful for me to get it all out first. 

I wrote this last night, but needed to edit it before I could post...

I think this is getting closer to the words I am looking for, but I still need help with some of them.  It's not advice I am looking for, it's literally - I need to know what the words are.  I have some sort of neurodiverse way of thinking that makes it very hard for people to interpret what I'm saying the same way I intended.  It causes for a lot of misunderstandings and confusion.  Which is one of my triggers - not being heard.  Sometimes I just get dysregulated, other times I get full blown AF, only I didn't know what it was...and the only way I have found to articulate it is in research I found about autistic burnout and...a different autistic article I found that has the right words....I can't ever find the right words...and it is so hard to get people patient enough to even listen to me. 

My manager at work has absolutely no empathy.  To her, it's a buzzword.  She doesn't even think of me as a person, I'm a tool to her, an asset.  Like an app in her phone, she allows me no autonomy, I'm not able to set any boundaries...I mean I can SAY them, I just can't actually live them....which has been completely triggering my c-ptsd but every doctor got it wrong....

I am filled with so much anger right now...but it's not actual anger....it's more like righteous indignation?

The way to treat trauma is not through intellectualism or dialogue or cognitive behavioral therapy. Only when the autonomic nervous system is relaxed and not in the fight or flight mode can one begin to attend to the trauma.

And when I read that, my brain went *ding ding ding* because the only time I can think clearly and make sense of everything, and be able to put it into words that make sense, is when my autonomic nervous system is able to relax.  All other times, my brain is literally in fight or flight.  It's called amygdala hijacking.  I figured all that out on my own.  The last therapist told me to BREATHE.  The one before that...I explained to him I was neurodiverse.  I didn't know what was going on with my brain at the time (or even now, to a certain degree, but at least now I'm sure it's at least 75% due to the unprocessed trauma....so here I am, going to this therapist for WORK WITH MY UNPROCESSED TRAUMA (sorry, that's the anger right there) and he hears the word Neurodiverse and latches onto it, tells me, "no way, me too, I have ADHD" and then filters ALL of my therapy through the lens of him projecting his ADHD onto me. 

When I tried to explain this trauma loop I've been trapped in, he was further convinced I had ADHD because of my "racing thoughts" and I'm like....100% no, these are not RACING anything, I can't even finish a sentence, this is more like brain fog....but it's more like all the thoughts I'm trying to have are jigsaw pieces and I can't fit them together....I need help PROCESSING MY TRAUMA....anybody?  No?  Do you know how exhausting it is to keep telling everyone the same thing over and over and no one listens? I really really really really hope this new therapist will hear me.  I'm so so so grateful to you all for allowing me this space to work out my thoughts.

i hear you, EA, and also want to send along validation for your struggles. i am on the spectrum cusp, and i get how difficult it can be to find the words i want in a situation.  l also understand when you say your intrusive? is that the right word? thoughts are not adhd related.  i suffer from them as well, and have learned they're part of trauma brain.  as my T told me, i do have c-ptsd.  that is a huge wrench in the works of thinking, articulating, following, understanding - all that cognitive stuff.

please, be patient w/ yourself.  you've just begun this journey here, you're getting your thoughts and words down as best you can, and you have the time and space here to do what you can when you can.  no rush, no judgment.  our brains/minds have been wounded by trauma.  you've taken some first steps toward healing yours.  i give you a lot of credit for that.  sending love and a hug full of clarity. :hug:

Still have a lot more to do before I can re-read/respond to posts - but thank you to all those that are providing feedback, it is much needed right now.

Probably TRIGGER WARNING because? 

Today is a complicated day where "two things are true" at the same time.  More than two. I have chronic isolation.  I am not ISOLATING MYSELF.  I wish people could understand this.  Loneliness. There are YouTube things on it, saying how bad loneliness is for mental and physical health.  The thing is, I do not have an equivalent relationship with anyone, and I can't seem to get the people in my life to realize the importance of having a conversation is to me right now. 

I have oodles of unprocessed trauma and recognize that my brain needs conversation, not journaling to process information.  And right now, it literally uses any opportunity - literally ANYONE who will talk to me to try to process the trauma. All I know how to do right now is to talk about whatever is still unprocessed, but since it's NOT processed, all I end up doing is complaining about my triggers instead. 

Well, my biggest trigger is abandonment, rejection, not being heard.  Not being UNDERSTOOD. 

If you take a "typical" person, they have family, close intimate relationships, close friends, work friends, casual acquaintances, neighbors...people you pass on the street to say hi.  I have none of that.  I sit alone in my room, barely able to get out of bed, the slightest conflict/miscommunication makes me melt down.  Things aren't easy for me.  A lot of what goes on, I don't understand and if *I* don't understand, how can I explain it to someone else?  This world I have is all I have. 

I cannot answer questions like, "what do you do for fun?"  "what do you do for work?"  "how are you?" 

This isn't because I'm depressed, or because I don't understand gratitude.  It's because I went to each one of my "friends" and said, Hi, I'm dealing with a lot of trauma right now and I need support. Here's the ONE thing you can do to help me feel supported...and short answer is, their non-response, unwilling to give me the support I asked for (and they have the autonomy to do so, for whatever reason), they don't know how to listen to understand, they only know how to listen to fix, and to them, fixing me needs to be someone ELSE'S problem...has left me feeling rejected. 

I tried, in the best way I know how to explain to them that I am doing ALL the work of educating myself, so I can advocate for myself, but I'm EXHAUSTED, and I'm FRUSTRATED, and I'm LONELY, and I could use something else to focus on for a bit.  Just call me and tell me about your day...or ask me for help with something I can manage so I can remember how to feel useful....ANYTHING, just start up the group chat we used to have before the pandemic so I can remember HOW to have a conversation....all this is lost on them. 

I finally turned the ringer off on my phone because I was getting a pavlovian response each time it made a noise, "Does someone care?" No, it's just another spambot.  I am an observer of life, I am not a part of it.  I have no tether to this world and the problems these people have....they cannot relate to the intense desperation I feel to understand how to get connection from others, to feel I am a part of something.  This isn't new, this has been lifelong.  It's hard for me to understand how to interact, it was never modelled for me.  Everyone interprets this wrong and assumes I am autistic.  They suggest I join some sort of group to learn how to socialize. 

It's that this trauma has now taken up 100% of my life.  I do not work, I am terrified at the thought of needing to go back and face those people.  I do not have a social circle, I have about 5 people on rotation that check in with me occasionally.  In a few minutes, I need to get up and get dressed and drive out to a birthday party for one of my "friends" from this old social group.  All the others I asked for help will be there. 

People that don't get it will just say, oh well, then what a great opportunity!!  You say you are isolated, here's a chance to be near people!!!! Only, I do not know these people at this party.  The ones I do know have left me with unresolved feelings of rejection.  I have absolutely NOTHING to talk about, as even talking about isolation is lost on these people who have never known true loneliness.  Even Anne Frank had other people around for distraction if nothing else.

I keep telling them, I just can't anymore, I need....the smallest gesture...and their idea of support is to text me and say "hope you're having a good day" and send me pictures of the "before" times, so I can grieve for a life I'll never have again. 

So now, I need to get up, with my open wounds, feelings of rejection, inability to even remember how to have a "normal" conversation and spend 8 hours in a place I do not want to be, where I will feel wildly uncomfortable and have to mask just to get through it...and be around people that are supposed to be my friends...so on top of everything else, I have to walk on eggshells because the slightest misstep means I lose them.  And you'd say, well what's the big deal of losing people that aren't actually even good friends to you when you need them?  Well, 1. It's not their fault they don't get it, I didn't even get it, and doctors definitely don't get it, so I can't blame them. (doesn't change how it makes me feel though) 2. I can't handle losing even more right now, I've already lost so much...the closest thing to an intimate relationship right now is this journal, a compassionate meditation group I join once a week and an online community full of empathetic people that understand active listening. 

I feel like I'm in solitary confinement.  I've been locked away in stasis for years, and I'm let out, blinking at how harsh everything is and I'm now expected to make small talk.  I want to vomit. 

EA, that is one thing many of us have found as we go thru c-ptsd country - most people don't understand, don't know how to listen to us, don't know what to do about or for us, and we are left alone, again.  it's frustrating to say the least.  just know you're not alone w/ this.  my greatest source of friendship is here on this forum - i know people here 'get it', can support me in the ways i need (i do miss real hugs, tho), and validate my thoughts and beliefs.

hang tough, EA - we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs :grouphug:

I resonate with your posts.  I relate especially to loneliness.  I hope your social event went as smooth as possible.

Can we all safely assume there's a Trigger Warning on every one of my posts since many of you say they are reminded of how they have felt? I really appreciate having a sounding board for everything I need to get out right now, I'm doing the best I can, it's just too hard. 


I tried to explain to these friends that I have a disability that there is no "correct" research out there for yet, I don't need your help researching it, I've already DONE the research (it's exhausting) in fact, I have been doing this to the exclusion of everything else, my life has now become this trauma and I have literally no distractions from this.  I get no phone calls, no texts, unless it's a spambot to the point I've had to turn off my ringer, because I have this pathetic hope that the phone will ring and it'll be for me....someone actually wants to talk to me.  and see this is how all the trauma comes up.  I keep telling my friends, look, I'm chronically isolated right now, I REALLY need you to understand what that means, here, read an article about it, because I really need you to understand that what is happening to me is real, my brain cannot distinguish between psychological danger and real danger, it's all the same and my brain has been hypervigilant for SOOOO long that it's DONE, and now I can't like...cognitive impairment?  Here's where things start to break down, because I don't have the words and I start to panic, and they just see I'm either anxious or angry that I can't think of the word...because that in itself is a trauma that I'm going to have Alzheimer's, and no, not in a "I have an irrational thought" but in the literal, both my grandfather and my mother have it, and I had to take care of my grandfather when I put myself through college - so I literally have been feeling chronically isolated....my entire life.  I've NEVER felt like I belonged, like I had a tribe, or a family or someone to have such an intimate relationship with that I could like....have autonomy and set boundaries, and have the feeling I can be an actual person....all I ever feel is rejection, and a feeling of being othered, so when I go to a party and I literally haven't had a conversation with another human being that wasn't DIRECTLY about my trauma...I have NO way of contributing to the conversation.  I can't think about who to vote for, or how to pay my taxes, or how to get out of bed, and you want me to remember how to fit in with the rest of the world?

Oh, and so then we're sitting there, and the entire time she KNOWS I tell them, I really miss us talking to each other every day, we used to be really close, I really need that right now, and it works for a day and a half, but they haven't talked to me since Sunday....so they are probably both patting themselves on the back that they are being good friends to me by checking in and asking if I've had a good day...grrrr

So she starts telling all these stories I no nothing about, she says, Oh, you've seen the pictures of my daughter going to her 8th grade dance...I didn't even know she had a boyfriend, I literally haven't connected with them in 4 years. I explained to them how hard it was for me, they had each other, and like a bubble of 18 people....I had a bubble of me and my abusive ex boyfriend that was actively gaslighting me and making me fear for my life every day while I worked this job that was causing more trauma...and I survived ALL of it, but I'm really affected by it and having a really hard time working through everything and couldn't understand WHY (because I was not consciously aware that my current work situation is also causing me trauma, because it's just the same lack of autonomy, being able to set boundaries, being able to speak up for myself and get what I need so I can get out of survival mode, so I can stop feeling this isolated, my friends can't understand how PAINFUL it is for me that my phone did not get one notification ALL day.  and yesterday was just one person, and I am pretty sure she is assuming I'm autistic and that's why I have communication problems....I can't get anyone to understand this is TRAUMA and I have trauma brain and I can't do anything right now and I need help.  And you know what my friend says? Sounds like you need an advocate....

Which is literally the FIRST thing I told her when I contacted her. I said, I really need you to put on your mom hat or put on your advocate hat becuase I REAALLY need your help right now....and the advice she gave me was to find an advocate *facepalm* 

Why can't I communicate so people will want to understand????

Fine, she doesn't have the capacity to help me advocate for myself, great, I found other people that are more willing to let me vent when I need to get something out and a sounding board, and people with empathy and compassion for what I am dealing with, I am not asking you to deal with it, I'm literally asking you to help me advocate for myself because I am too exhausted to keep doing this alone and I need support and you are the CLOSEST thing I have to family, I'm SORRY that you see me more as the, Hey let's catch up every few months, hope all is well friends!!  We USED to talk every day, and I don't have anything to replace that so I've just had a gaping HOLE where you've had "too busy to remember I'm dealing with TRAUMA, my god I'm so angry I want to burst into tears.  I can't get ANYONE to understand this, I get, "sounds like you really need someone to talk to"

Is that ironic? I'm exhausted.  I managed to get through this stupid party with friendships intact, and "surprise" ended up telling to strangers all about my trauma at work and they were both yeah, valid...you should probably get working on your resumé you need to get out of there...and I'm like, re: see above - raw open wounds and inability to brain. 

So the trauma of my chronic isolation is being triggered by my phone not ringing and no one texting/emailing me....ever.  I tell my friends this. bottom line it means i need you to call and talk to me more often, sitting at the pool with you while you tell me a years worth of updates while I'm telling you I feel so alone because we never talk anymore, can we talk more often....and I can't make it make sense, why it's upsetting to be told a bunch of things like, "oh you already knew this right?" is the same trigger that the abusive boyfriend would do, because we never talked, ever.  He talked to them more than he talked to me, and the only time he WOULD talk to me was when we were all together, so suddenly I would find out all these things, like oh, you changed the speed of our internet and now I have to pay $40 more a month? When were you going to let me know that? Why would you do something like that and not run it by me first, I thought we were supposed to be partners, why are you acting like I'm being irrational? I don't understand why we don't TALK...I spent so much time just looking at the back of his head, he was always on his computer, and the last year we were together, he would have conversations with other women. So yeah, sitting at a pool while you tell me a bunch of things and then I realize, these aren't my friends anymore....they don't make me feel...valued? I don't know...maybe I'm just overreacting and being too sensitive?

So it's like over and over, the situation is triggering the trauma but the situation is still hurting me in and of itself, but the trauma is woven into everything...because I have birthday trauma.  and here's where the trauma of my "friend" saying, "not everything is trauma" because for me, it is.  Birthday parties are hard for me.  I have to be happy for other people while I sit home alone on mine.  My own mother would forget it was my birthday.  Her excuse was, "well I knew what day it was, I just didn't realize it was that day" Which, I now get...because for me every day blends into one another and I never know what day of the week it is anymore, I just do the same thing every day, wake up, do something trauma related, go to sleep.  None of my coworkers, save one even talk to me.  Most of them are gossiping about me, the other half can't understand why I'm making such a big deal of working for a difficult woman (think Devil Wears Prada - I've never seen it, but everyone tells me that's what's going on) but they can't understand why I can't get out of bed because of it.  And my friends can't understand why I'm not just talking to a therapist, because they used Better Help and it really helped them with their divorce!

And then there's all those feelings of, if you weren't so sensitive, you would bounce back, and yes, breakups are hard, it makes sense you're not over him yet. Or whatever.  I bet they all still have a group chat with him, because he just drops fun pictures in the chat and makes jokes.  He's Fun.  I really need to sort it all out because there's a clear list of "trauma" "triggers" "current situation" overlaps and the situation, the bottom line is, to ME, friends show up for other friends, and when a friend is in really desperate help you stop and say, "what can I do to help" and I SAY, you can TALK TO ME MORE OFTEN...and they can't seem to do that...then they aren't the friends I need.  They haven't been the friends I needed for the past 4 years.  They think they have because they let me spend labor day weekend in their backyard during covid so I could get away from my abuser (that they are still friends with).  They show up and help me when I need to move.  They let me invite myself over for Thanksgiving so I can pretend I have family for a few hours.  And to me, they were family...because I have no family of my own, so they were my surrogates, and bottom line is, I see my friend being such a strong advocate for HER family, I wanted her to do the same for me, and she's basically telling me, no, I am not that friend for you, I can listen, and be sympathetic, but I do don't have the capacity to take you on, which is basically telling me I'm a burden, and I was wrong to not keep myself small and make our friendship about them...because to be for me at all is selfish. 

Ok that was a lot....

Hi Eerie Anne,

I really feel for you. This is a massively difficult stage to be in. I actually thought of you yesterday. When my trauma gets pulled up front and center I forget things a lot, like I'll just walk away from filling a pot with water and leave the water running until I return to the kitchen and realize oh yeah I was filling a pot with water! Or more dangerously I walk away from cooking something and completely forget I was cooking.

Yesterday this happened and set off all the smoke detectors. They were screaming so loudly that I could not think straight about how to get them to stop. My heart was racing just from the terrifying sound. In order to turn them off I had to stand right under one and hold a button for 15 long seconds and endure the sound up close. Once I managed to calm down enough to figure out i needed to do that. Which took an embarrassingly long time.

It's like right now you have all the fire alarms blaring. It is deafening and massively overwhelming and you can't possibly figure out how to make it stop while the sound is putting you on high alert. But still you need to find a way to turn off the alarms. You won't be able to heal or get the help from friends you need until those darn alarms at least turn the volume down.

How do you do it? It's hard. Really really hard and takes time and commitment. You have to want it to work to have any hope of it working.

Finding anything that makes you feel a little calm is a huge step. I understand where you are right now and almost everything is probably a trigger. Me too. I went through that, about 3 years ago. Build your way up. Try online breathing exercises. If they are too much, do it once then stop. Then go back to it and do it one more time. Then stop. Same thing with maybe some gentle meditation like yoga nidra. Same thing with walking or spending time outside.

We need to train our fire alarms that it's OK. At first everything is a trigger and makes us more anxious or dissociated. Then you do a little at a time until the tiniest bit of something is no longer terrifying. Then do a little more. Do the 54321 grounding exercises and see if they help (look it up online for instructions). Help your brain differentiate the present from the past (or home or friends from work given that present is traumatic too). Tell your brain how you know you are factually safe and how it is different from when you haven't been safe. I know this is triggering at first.

You have to stand there and hold the alarm button to ultimately make it stop blaring. It is uncomfortable. Be brave and take tiny steps, but take them. Then return to your safe space. Then do it again. You can't solve the bigger problems while that alarm is blaring. We have all been in this stage. We know it is not easy. We know it doesn't work for us in the same way or with the same ease as it does for people without complex trauma. But over time it does work.

We need to train ourselves to calm down and the things we need to do to calm down are triggering. Such a catch 22 that's why you need to teach your nervous system those calming things are not dangerous. This isn't your fault. It happens to us all. Breathe they'd tell me. I can't, it is literally a trigger. So I'd do it for half a second. Then a second. Then 2 and so on until breathing in the present was no longer a horrible trigger. So find something that might have the potential to be calming and start practicing.

Given the connection between your abuser and your friends, perhaps those relationships might not feel safe for a long time,

Hugs if they feel safe.

TW/CW as a deeper dive to my feels today...

I think the point is, I need an intermediate step between my inability to get through this bit alone, to the point where I have an official "advocate" a safe space where I can actually get everything out and then sort it out, but it's complicated and messy and I've never had the tools - I didn't get my core emotional needs met to build the foundation necessary to my development.  I don't have a sense of belonging so I can develop a sense that I matter, comfort when I become dysregulated, social engagement so I can understand how to navigate my own issues without feeling like a burden to others for having needs, understanding about my lived experience (so they can stop assuming and *get* why things are hard for me, encouragement while I work through my problems, hopefulness that life can be more than survival mode, resilience to learn emotional regulation.

When I go to my friends and say, I see you providing this to your loved ones, can you please help me work through what I'm going with...not as a therapist, but maybe just talk to me more often and share your life with me so I can feel that sense of belonging, so I can learn how you work through your own issues and I can use that as a model for my own....I'm so good at (here's where words fail me) like deciding for other people how much of ME they can take on...that sense that I have to protect people from ALL of me, there are floodgates held in place because there are so many raw, open wounds that I'm working on healing...

So I say only the fraction that I think will resonate with them, to get them to see, it's not all my issues dumped on you, but hey, if you can help alleviate the sense of isolation, I can be better able to FOCUS on getting my other needs met elsewhere.  And....I don't know, I'm just not able to express that to them in a way where they get it,  I get lost in my need...How do I explain to them how much it hurts when they are 15 minutes from my house and they don't give me a call and say, "hey, we are in your neighborhood, do you need a quick hug?" They don't think of me like that....no one does.  And it's scary and lonely to know I get more empathy from people that do not have the context of knowing me for the past almost 10 years - because to them, being a friend means showing up to help me move, or having the occasional phone call or IM to briefly connect before they go back to their own lives.  So there's not that sense of getting my need met, and I can't FORCE people to want to chat with me every day because we used to be a part of each others lives on a daily basis many years ago. 

Like, to them it was a supplement to an already full life, but to me it was my entire life, so when it went away, it left this hole...and so I resign myself to keep being what I need to myself, I've done it my entire life...but it doesn't make it fair, or right and it doesn't make me want to continue being friends with them.  Which dwindles the count of actual real life friends even further...and then I wonder, what is wrong with me that I am so broken that no one wants to be that person for me and never has, not even my own family?

hi, EA, i agree w/ armee that you seem to be overloaded w/ all this crapola through which you're attempting to navigate.  keep spitting it out.  it's landing where it belongs.

i don't believe any of us are broken, but wounded.  our wounds run deep and their tentacles are far-reaching.  you are accepted here, you are welcome to vomit all the poison that you've been holding onto for so long.  we're still here.  love and  :grouphug:

Hello Eerie,

I'm new on this site.  I hope you're okay with me posting.  I've been reading some of your posts, and I'm not expecting you to respond to me, which is fine of course and I'm sorry if I'm way out of date.  I just wanted to share that also I suffer also from thoughts slipping away from me.  Even writing this, I am having to keep thinking back to what I wanted to say.  I have a theory about my brain being stuck in amygdala highjack most of the time, or for so much of the time that basic cognitive pathways of logical thinking are messed up, get blocked and don't function well.  Sometimes through stress, part of the brain just shuts down. I thought I might have ADHD or something (I don't rule this out) but think it's more likely the former.  I hope you find more peace and calmness soon.  I'm sure it will come.  Don't be too hard on yourself.

I didn't have a mom.  I had a woman that was too wrapped up in her own generational trauma, coupled with an illness that left her poked, prodded, and treated like a guinea pig by every doctor, treatments that created other conditions...which is why the label of having "narcissistic abusive parents" never really fit with me.  I realize now, like JUST now (because I just finished reading something that gave me the words!) is I have dialectal thinking.  Like, always.  This is why I was such a good mediator for my parents and had to automatically assume the role of caregiver, since I was eight is what I always say, but I realize now it was always there...that's what triggers all those recurring nightmares I had, and why I'm still afraid of being in the dark. I know all this, but it's all stuck behind the chronic isolation and a body that got completely burnt out by running on empty for so long.  I subconsciously understood what I needed the entire time, it's what I've said in every work documentation - I was being consistently penalized at work for looking for ways to stave off feelings of isolation, because I've always had them...and no matter how many times I tell people I'm LONELY, and how much EASIER it would be for me to process my trauma if I had someone to talk to, all they hear is "I think you're my therapist and I want to talk to you about all the skeletons in my closet...or whatever it is people assume, I don't understand.  What is the big deal with me being able to feel heard and have my story validated when I desperately needed it?  But instead, doctors just diagnosed me with being depressed.  Which is why it was so triggering for me a few months ago, when I tried to talk to my meditation guide about these feelings of loneliness - she said I was just depressed, and reminded me of the good friends I had, told me my problem was that I didn't love myself enough, and once I wasn't depressed, I'd realize how many friends I do have!

I do know how many friends I have.  and in that moment, I realized she wasn't one of them.  I tried a different approach to describe to her what acute isolation felt like, and it wasn't depression (although I do have bouts of sadness, but it's mostly grief, which again - would be alleviated if I had someone to share it with - but I read an article and it said what type of grief that was (cognitive impairment leads to me being unable to hold WORDS in my head....which causes dysregulation.  Which if any of my friends understood, the help I'm asking from them is to talk to me more often so I can remember words, NOT to dissect my trauma....they are helping ME dissect my trauma just by talking to me....which would take my mind off the trauma once in a while!? but no...sigh. 

So I have these feelings, and I can name them all, but to do so would distract the duality of the way I process information.  My friend always tells me I'm just overthinking - but it's NOT that, it's that I literally can always see both sides of everything, that's part of the reason I can never make a decision, it's not codependent, it's that I need someone else's perspective to help balance out my own thinking....and this is a skill I have never developed on my own, which is ANOTHER thing I read....and it's all in jigsaw puzzle pieces everywhere and why everything is a land mine.  I can't trust my own thinking, because I have nothing to balance it off of, I'm in an echo chamber.  It makes the trauma deafening, and I can't seem to get anyone to understand that if I just had someone to talk to consistently (doesn't even need to be the same person, just OTHER people), it probably wouldn't make me feel this way...which is hindering my recovery.  But I can't seem to force people to have the capacity when they've fallen out of the habit of making me a part of their day.  Everyone I know moves on, they meet people, they get married, they start families, and I have to start over and over again, because couples don't want to be friends with the girl that has no friends.  Or they do out of pity, but not because they really care.  Which isn't true, but then again, how can it not be when I ask for specifically what I need and the other person says, absolutely, that can be a thing we do! And then we never do it.  People don't understand how the let down for me is so excruciating.

My mom never allowed me any autonomy.  She never told me what was happening, me who craves context and needs it to make sense of the world.  I was always pushed around like a ball in a pinball machine. Just going through the motions but not really rooted to anything.  And the dialectal thinking is, so what? So does every kid in the foster system, so does every kid that never had a mom either, you actually HAD a mom, and you didn't live in poverty, even though you were made to feel like you were* and you always had food on the table, and blah blah blah - I know this, because any time I tried to explain I had needs to my mom, she reminded me of how lucky I was...except she never filled any of my c-ptsd needs - the foundational ones.  So to this day, I crave a mom, I want that, the person that teaches you how to adult...but my parents....never had those skills.  They didn't know what they didn't know and they had their own problems, so they....yeah.  More trauma brain fun. 

People that saw how I was treated in my family understand (the way they can) the dynamics of my home life.  They remind me that I've done an amazing job taking care of myself as long as I have.  They know how hard it's been for me.  They understand the bitterness I feel that I probably would have more life skills if someone would just be kind enough to me to understand I don't have them, and allow me to learn from them.  (you know, a mom).  I try to be that for myself...but...um, it's mostly like the blind leading the blind, so it takes me FOREVER to figure stuff out.  I just can't do it anymore.  And my friends mis-hear me all the time, they focus on the thing I'm saying and not the thing I'm NOT saying, because I know they aren't my therapist and I'm not trying to tell them about my trauma....so I've shielded EVERYONE from it. Like I have been my entire life.  So I've never actually been able to tell anyone....ever.   No one I've met has ever had the capacity to hear and check for understanding, it feels like a heavy stone on my chest that I need someone to help me carry, just for a little while, until I can get back on my feet, but I can't seem to get that from anyone.  So I fragment myself, and that's also something I've always done.  I just didn't have the words for it.  And it's so calming for me to have the words, that if more people would just talk to me, I would have more words myself. 

Some more things I need to process and sort out....

When I wrote the piece about the abusive relationship I got out of, I was asked, don't I feel empowered? Of course not? How could I...I still wasn't even free of the abuse, I was living it every day, I couldn't stop equating the way my manager talked at me with how my ex talked to me, with how my mom talked to me, I have spent my entire life being talked to like that. 

Why be with people I don't like? Because some times I didn't have a choice.  Even now.  Beggars can't be choosers.  I had to put up with what I was given.  I feel like I'm going to grow up bitter and alone because I can't sort my @#% out and life has been passing me by, so yes, I have a right to be angry because you keep taking that away from me. 

Everything I heard I took the wrong way, because it was the only way I could see, I keep feeling like I'm losing my mind like there are all these things that are true at the same time, and you said yes, that IS a possible thing, so I got all stuck on what is it CALLED, what is a neutral term for how I can refer to her so I don't sound like an abuse victim, I am not comfortable with victim language but I never learned another way to say it, and I am told, "you sound like a victim" I recognized it, but I didn't have the TOOL.

I would feel so selfish and ask, when can it be MY turn, why do I always have to be the caregiver? I've been doing it since I was EIGHT, I'm exhausted!!!!! And see, all this sound like anger, but it never is, it's always fear. Fear to take up space, fear to say anything for FEAR I'll lose a friend and then I do it anyway, what is wrong with you?? Why do you keep doing this to us!? And any anger I feel is self directed.  Even as I recognize I am hurting myself, I can't stop, NOT Because I like hurting myself but because I didn't have the tool to make it stop, I didn't have the words, and I HURT SO BAD, all the time and I needed a mom, I saw X as a mom and I couldn't dare even approach her because I had NO RIGHT to dare suggest my grief was ANYTHING compared to hers, and I was so Dayenu all of it, every one I met has never gotten to meet ME.  And I said that too, I've been saying everything but it's been her that's been saying it so it comes out wrong, and no, I don't mean wrong, I mean that's why I say I'm neurodivergent, because it's been her voice, I never learned another way to talk, I didn't have the words, and how could I possibly get the words when I only had myself to talk to???

It distracts me you might get hung up on what I meant by that and I spend so much time trying to find the word for trauma brain that it actually triggers my trauma, which actually triggers my trauma - and I call THAT my trauma loop. so now I've got two things to be anxious about while I'm trying to just keep my train of thought...and I realize I can't text (or whatever this is called - see, a third word I can't think of that I get caught up on.

"...extremely talented at making others believe that everything they do is in the child's best interest."

And so what happens at work, this woman I support refuses to give me the necessary context I need to do a task, which sounds like "trauma brain" but the article says Autism, and I KNOW it's not that, I know it's trauma brain, but I don't know what trauma brain is called, and (see here's where I start getting distracted by my typos...and realize, I need to SAY this to someone, but who? And in the chat we had, you both suggested language I could use <- see, it took me that long to explain to myself that I realize I have now COMPLETELY overshared with you (embarrassed) but even worse, I realize, I've gotten ahead of myself, I can't remember if I've already told you something, and then I start re-reading what I've written, and I am relieved I can continue, because I reminded myself this was a safe space, the re-reading, the sensations of insecurity and embarrassment feel like waves of shame over my childhood, I realize I'm not making sense, I realize it's trauma brain, it's adrenaline, it's I understand it on every level, but it only happens when my trauma is triggered, everything makes sense, it feels like I'm in the eye of the hurricane, I worry about the typos, I worry about not having enough context to understand her next ask (anxiety) I recognize everything, I separate it all out and everything makes perfect sense...but sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person, because the speaking my truth (explaining it to myself) and since I barely can get any of my "friends" to answer a text, let alone talk to me on the phone (feelings of loneliness start coming up, but again too many feels (I start naming them again, I somehow think it's super important, and then I start feeling all of them, because I now have a word for that, the type of empath that gets burnt out, my C-PTSD triggers my "trauma brain" that my doing the work I've been doing to advocate for myself has given me the language for...but when the "something" could be any number of things, but primarily the interactions with the woman I support at work, I can't just keep trying to sort out my thoughts in isolation, but like....if I can't get any one to even understand what I'm talking about when I SOUND like I'm crazy - I know I'm not, I am literally telling these people at work, I have PTSD, she is triggering it, what is the protocol for getting the accommodations I need at work, so I can stop being triggered by her - *I* was talking all this responsibility for it - I realize now, I'm oversharing, and in the "writing" even to YOU my "trauma brain" has taken over again, but I realize...hey, it's just my inner child, needing to be heard....I realize she's not getting her needs met.  Only....the only way she can get her needs met is to talk to another human....but since I went on medical leave, everyone has stopped talking to me (I realize this sounds like "black and white" thinking and I correct myself in my head because that's what abused children do (thanks mom and dad!) hahaha see, all the feels come up, I feel them, I name them, I realize I've overshared AGAIN and I'll  cut it all from here again....

Feelings of insecurity/shame/awareness/intimacy/embarrassment/worry - everything happens too fast, but something has triggered my PTSD, I lose the ability to think and then I have a harder time processing written communication and at the same time I have a harder time explaining it in text form....I need to verbally communicate, when I try communicating in text form my inner child takes over...her major need is connection. There are VERY few people I have a connection with that I can stop the "trauma brain" from taking over, only now, I've got all these names for things, including the trauma brain (amygdala hijacking), all the things I needed to "overshare" with you, then re-read what you've written and be able to delete it before I hit send....but you can't do that in real life...and I'm pretty sure my "trauma brain" took over at a work event and my inner child may have (omgs I want to dye of shame) taken over (the awareness makes me start crying with tears of shame and relief at the same time) and because I'm either thinking/journaling/texting/typing everything everywhere all at once that I....

Here's where I stopped that particular rant/vent...thank you for the permission to word vomit here...I feel like if I can get it all out, I can then sort through it and separate it out into the different areas I need help with.  More posts a'coming. 

The Buddha and the Borderline

Someone recommended this book to me and I'm so glad they did.  There were so many relatable parts, I pulled them all out. 

To those looking from the outside, it might seem this illness took possession one day out of the blue, as signaled by some specific behavior: Kiera's cutting herself; Kiera's doing drugs; Kiera's shaving her head. But that's part of the whole problem—no one saw, knew, or understood how long I was suffering
and sick. Even my mother thinks it started later, when I went to the private school and began cutting and burning myself. But I disagree. As soon as I read the symptoms, I realize the seed was there all along, watered by pain, secrets, and inattention, and by my own desperate need for relief.  "You never had good role models. Didn't your parents stop speaking to each other when you were six? How were you supposed to learn about love? Communication? Emotional security?"

Inside all this hunger for someone else is a simple yearning for companionship, human touch, and connection. I just never know how to separate these out and proceed accordingly.

I need a certain kind of person to grow intimate with: someone who doesn't view my vulnerabilities as weaknesses; someone who can remain calm in the face of my upsets; someone whose own world and sense of self is strong enough to withstand the storms that will pass through it as I learn to trust.  the emotional experiences I'm learning to deal with in stage two are all about abandonment... There's something about the other person simply knowing and acknowledging how I feel that shifts the intensity.  Trauma, unresolved issues, core wounds—maybe it makes sense that these demons only resurface when I achieve a semblance of safety. Now that the ground is firm, my inner rifts are more accessible... Choiceless not just in those first interactions, but choiceless from then on because my need meant that anyone could reach out and I would respond. 

What if there were no support groups for people with cancer, but only for their families? And what happens when cancer patients actually sneak into in the room, like spies, to hear themselves being discussed? Imagine if none of those cancer patients talked to each other, and they didn't even know how people might recover from cancer; instead, they just sit silently in the corners, feeling their disease eating them alive. I'm desperate for a community where I don't have to feel like I'm always hiding, and where I might even be understood. I'm quite desperate for it. That could be viewed as a problem

Everyone is doing the best they can, yet everyone needs to try harder...I'm overwhelmed by their seemingly unwarranted appreciation, and also warmed, like I used to feel after downing shots of whiskey. An inner ease spreads inside me. Such is the power of acceptance and understanding from other people, the power of validation.

This is such an important word: "validation." It means recognizing someone else's feelings, behaviors, and thoughts as legitimate, no matter how problematic or dysfunctional they may appear to be. It's the opposite of "invalidation," which is a key factor in activating symptoms in those of us with the biological vulnerabilities. Allison gave me a powerful dose of validation just by recognizing that I have the disorder and understanding how difficult it was to show up at that meeting and how painful my life has been. That validation fills up a small hole inside me. I've tried doggedly to practice radical acceptance and all the other skills, but when these are self-directed, it's only a partial comfort, and I still feel like I'm living a double life, keeping the disorder in secrecy. The trainings now being offered by family organizations teach validation as one of the most critical techniques in helping someone.

We need this help from outside because we don't know how to do this for ourselves. We start with a deep deficit—a chasm, really—when it comes to understanding and being tolerant of ourselves, and that's even before we go forth to do battle with the rest of world. As soon as someone judges, criticizes, dismisses, or ignores, the cycle of pain and reactivity ramps up,
compounded by shame, remorse, and rejection. The act of validation, simply saying, "I see things from your perspective," can help short-circuit that emotional detour And this is exactly what I've been trying to teach others: not only to recognize the causes of my pain as being legitimate, but to find a way to be loving and nonjudgmental when I react in ways they can't understand. I need them to be aware and present with me in the midst of the storm, not just tell me what to do. The fact that so much of what we suffer from also isn't validated, either by our loved ones or by the culture, adds another layer to this fundamental problem. Now it appears to me that invalidation has been an ongoing theme in my life—from my adolescence, when my
behaviors and feelings were always pinned on being "difficult" and "attention seeking," to my family's continued insistence that there's nothing seriously wrong with me, I don't want to spend my entire life hiding because of an unspeakable illness. I also don't want to be so vulnerable that I leave myself open to the judgment and hatred I've seen unleashed on people with
the diagnosis.

Two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time.

First, we're highly sensitive to emotional stimuli (meaning we experience social dynamics, the environment, and our own inner states with an acuteness similar to having exposed nerve endings). Second, we respond more intensely, and much more quickly, than other people. And third, we don't "come down" from our emotions for a long time. Once the nerves have been touched, the sensations keep peaking. Shock waves of emotion that might pass through others in minutes might keep cresting in us for hours, sometimes days. They aren't symptoms to be cured, but inherent qualities that we haven't learned to manage.

A combination of biological vulnerability and an environment that is unable to respond adequately to our special needs. She calls this the biosocial model. In one sense, it's like growing a plant. You have the seed, but you need to give it certain elements: sun, water, soil. We have the seed. But how do you grow a borderline? Her word for the environment that cultivates our disorder is "invalidating." She doesn't use the term "abuse" or even "neglect," but "invalidation" to describe how a vulnerable child's inner experiences—thoughts, emotions, sensations, and beliefs—are either disregarded, denied, erratically responded to, punished, or oversimplified by caretakers and nurturers. There is a "nonattunement" of response in the family (or school, or even culture) that ends up aggravating a basic biological vulnerability. According to Dr. Linehan (1993a), invalidating environments put a premium on controlling or hiding negative emotions.
Painful experiences are trivialized, and blame is put on the vulnerable person for not meeting the expectations of others and living by their standards.

The biosocial model describes a horrific feedback effect: Every experience of invalidation compounds the intensity and dysregulation of our emotion, and feelings of abandonment, isolation, and shame increase. Because we don't know how to manage the feelings, our behaviors grow ever more destructive and desperate, which results in more invalidation and blame. The end result is a person with all of the symptoms who has learned to expertly invalidate herself.  It's the approach to the tension between needing to be accepted and validated versus needing to be pushed into making changes. I see this with Ethan: He always recognizes my perspective and how I feel, while also showing me that there are other ways of seeing and responding. The difference between being told "There's no reason to feel that way" and "I can understand how you feel that way" is the difference between taunting a rabid squirrel and giving it a tranquilizer. Ultimately, we need to learn how to validate ourselves, but right now that's beyond me. I need others to do this for me, and as anyone with BPD knows, getting this kind of support is all but impossible.

The dialectic of exposure and protection is surfacing again, both required when outing yourself. It takes trust to go forward, and in this case I decide to trust them.  I've had the symptoms since I was quite young, and that only now am I getting the right treatment and learning how to live with it. I don't emphasize the gory details; it's the inner pain that I want people to understand—the hopelessness and shame of being who I've been and not having anyone who understands. I've grown up with an ethic, call it a part, that insists I hide my pain at all costs. As I talk, I feel this pain leaking out—not just the core symptoms, but all the years of being blamed or ignored for my condition, and all the years I've blamed others for how I am. It's the pain of being told I was too needy even as I could never get the help I needed. When my eyes start to tear up, I see that the eyes of the crowd reflect mine. That's a mirror I've never looked into because I've been so isolated and ashamed.

I try to stick to the acceptable script. Indeed, I discover that the less I say, the happier everyone seems to be with me. I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't have been better off as a paraplegic or
afflicted by some tragic form of cancer. The invisibility and periodicity of my disorder, along with how I often border on normalcy, allows them to evade my need for their understanding.

At this point, I feel like I have to sleep for a week after I give a talk, almost zombified from the intensity of just standing there, claiming the name, describing the pain. What will happen if I show anger? If I start to cry or get into a conflict with someone? Does that mean I'm a fraud or not truly better? The pressure to appear perfect, something that's caused me to experience so much neglect, creeps into even this work. I feel I can't be symptomatic or I'll be discrediting myself and burning all of these hard-won bridges that might eventually lead me to others who are on the same path.

So there it is: yet another layer of dualism, another dialectic. I am better, and yet I can become symptomatic again suddenly and drastically by saying to others, "I educate people about my condition," I am no longer defining myself as the illness developed through a combination of biological vulnerabilities and an invalidating environment.

"I grew up in a very invalidating environment," I declare. "People didn't take my problems seriously. I was blamed for everything I did. When I got upset, no one taught me how to take care of myself. And you were gone half the time on your trips around the world, and when you were around, you were constantly preoccupied. Even with you there, you weren't there. I felt entirely alone."

One look at my mom's face tells me I've a crossed a line. So I backtrack. "I know you did the best you could. And I don't blame you. I really, really don't. But part of getting better involves acknowledging these things and learning how to not repeat them. There are DBT skills you could learn, and ways that we could deal with this together—not keep creating an invalidating environment.

"I don't see why we can't look at the facts without judging them. No one ever talked about what was really going on in our family. We were always hiding, or ignoring, or punishing when things came to the surface."

But you need to see how much she struggles—every day, sometimes every minute—and often with things that wouldn't affect you. Those of us without the disorder generally don't understand, but it's critical, I could say even lifesaving, that you recognize her different reality—her sensitivities and the kind of pain she has."

The recovery process itself is ever-changing and dialectical, bringing together opposing experiences and catalyzing new levels of growth even as it sometimes throws you back on your *.

The desire for belonging and purpose continues to be a huge theme in my life, and the advocacy work is my main outlet for this, despite how exhausting it is and how often it triggers me.

Ethan occasionally goes out on a limb and asks if advocacy is an effective way of satisfying this need to belong. As always, the answer is dialectical. I know that by publicly declaring that I have BPD, I automatically jeopardize my relationship with most people because of the stigma and the belief that it's dangerous to be in a relationship with a borderline. On the other hand, I'm still empowered by these efforts; in fact, advocacy is the only activity that brings me into contact with people who really understand and validate me as a person

mundane aspects of life that so many people take for granted form a structure that keeps me from falling backward.

it's clear to all of us that, whether you call it being in recovery, recovered, or in remission, the process isn't like mending a broken ankle. At every stage there's still more hard work to do, and we still need help. "Each new challenge brings with it another destabilization and potential loss. And so as you get 'better,' there's an ongoing need for more support, not less."

And all along, I'm asked why I'm not getting better—what I'm failing to do. Who can I trust in this process? 

You might have the symptoms, but the rest of the world typically reduces the person to the disorder, which isn't fair or true.  Now that I understand this disorder, I know that I have different needs, and that the way people treat me and the environment I enter will have a huge impact on how I react and perform. If I get triggered, I need to be able to self-soothe and calm down. I need a way to moderate the pressure and stress so I don't freak out. I need a workplace..(here's where I get stuck, because I know what I need, but I don't know the words for it)

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can lead to an equally dysfunctional adulthood. You may encounter problems such as:

Having a hard time saying no because your boundaries weren't respected (check)
Becoming more susceptible to developing anxiety disorders (check)
Working hard to please others to fit in (check)
Having a hard time being your authentic self (check)
Having a high tolerance for poor treatment from others (double check)
Self-sabotaging (check)
Believing people close to you will hurt you or abandon you (not a belief - a reality, it happened again today)
Expecting the worst from people and life in general (Not sure if I agree with the word "expecting)
Possibly developing an insecure or avoidant attachment style in your relationships (um...debatable)
You are also susceptible to mirroring the same negative behaviors as your parents due to triggers. (yes)

You might not even realize the full capacity of the toxic behaviors that you grew up with because those behaviors were all you knew, what you learned, and what you considered normal. You grew up not knowing anything different and may have even began to believe that you deserved to be treated this way. Healing comes from a place of understanding. I know that it can be difficult to "unlearn" the toxic patterns of behaviors that you grew up around, but you can overcome them. You can eventually separate yourself from your parents, change yourself for the better, and set boundaries that work for you.

Become aware of your true feelings, beliefs, and behaviors towards your parents
Rather than use forgiveness as an excuse that it didn't happen, actively grieve
Grief lets you get unstuck, allows you to heal, and enables you to do something about your lost childhood
Make it clear that your parents' toxic behaviors were not your responsibility
Give yourself permission to be angry, without making any judgements
Talk about your anger with safe people (ha), increase your physical activity, use your anger as a source of self-definition for you to define your limits and boundaries
Gain emotional independence
Allow yourself to be who you are and let your parents be who they are
Proactively communicate and confront your parents if necessary
If you choose to confront your parents, do it for yourself, not for them. Simply having the courage to do it is successful. Your response is what matters, not their reaction to the confrontation

I still struggle with feeling judged a lot, and it's hard for me to share, because my brain has created grooves around the thought that I take up too much space.  Which is reinforced by the fact that each one of my friends I have shared with them that all I need to do is talk, they misinterpret my ask, and give me space instead, or just think they are being helpful by texting me occasionally asking if I had a good day...I'm like, can you please for the love of god stop asking me that? I JUST NEED TO TALK about anything that can take my mind off the trauma, remember when we used to have group chats? I MISS that, I need that, and it's like, we can't go back, they've already moved on, everyone else has already moved on and I feel like a ghost.  And I can't explain that feeling to ANYONE because I don't think anyone has this lived experience.  Even if you're single.  And I start to hate myself for being SO broken that I literally have NO ONE to come help me pick up these pieces, but a dog can get like 100K for dog chemo.  They are so loved, they grew up knowing how to DO that, I didn't have that.  I wasn't given those developmental skills, so it's LIKE I'm autistic, I just seriously don't understand how to people, I have to learn by modeling and I have been working in isolation for the past X years, and all this unprocessed trauma on top of it.

Have you ever been talking to someone and felt like they just didn't get it? Like you're speaking different languages? Or you find yourself in an argument that just keeps going around in circles?

One simple and common cause of that - you're not talking about the same thing at all. You might feel like you're talking about the same topic, but in reality:

- the same words can have different meanings for people
- based on your own experiences, each of you are assuming things about the other person
- one or both of you are emotionally triggered, so you can't really concentrate and think rationally
- even in the same topic, you both may have different values, so you're prioritizing different aspects of the same situation

So how can you create a shared meaning? So that you can make sure you both are talking about the same thing?

✔ ASK - ask the other person to define what they mean by the words what they're using
✔ ASK - ask open ended-questions to confirm what their perspective is
✔ ASK - find out what their values and priorities are

Sensing a theme? You have to ask questions to learn more, and then you can adapt your communication style to meet their needs and get your own needs met.
Because one of the 🔑 to good communication is learning to adapt your style so that you know how to phrase your own needs and requests in a way that makes sense to the other person.

As the person shares feedback with you, listen closely. Allow the person to share their complete thoughts, without interruption. When they're done, repeat back what you heard.

At this point, avoid analyzing or questioning the person's assessment; instead, just focus on understanding his or her comments and perspective. And give the benefit of the doubt here—hey, it's difficult to give feedback to another person. Recognize that the person giving you feedback may be nervous or may not express their ideas perfectly.

Next (and this is a hard part, I know), look the person in the eyes and thank them for sharing feedback with you. Don't gloss over this—be deliberate, and say, "I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me."

Expressing appreciation doesn't have to mean you're agreeing with the assessment, but it does show that you're acknowledging the effort this individual took to share his or her thoughts.

Now it's time to process the feedback—you'll probably want to get more clarity at this point and share your perspective. Avoid engaging in a debate; instead, ask questions to get to the root of the actual issues being raised and possible solutions for addressing them.

For example, if a colleague tells you that you got a little heated in a meeting, here are a few ways to deconstruct the feedback:
Seek specific examples to help you understand the issue: "I was a little frustrated, but can you share when in the meeting you thought I got heated?"
Acknowledge the feedback that is not in dispute: "You're right that I did cut him off while he was talking, and I later apologized for that."
Try to understand whether this is an isolated issue (e.g., a mistake you made once): "Have you noticed me getting heated in other meetings?"
Look for concrete solutions to address the feedback: "I'd love to hear your ideas on how I might handle this differently in the future."

Hopefully, by this point in the conversation, you can agree on the issues that were raised. Once you articulate what you will do going forward, and thank the person again for the feedback, you can close the conversation and move on.  That said, if it's a larger issue, you may want to ask for a follow-up meeting to ask more questions and get agreement on next steps. And that's OK—it'll give you time to process the feedback, seek advice from others, and think about solutions.

Constructive criticism is often the only way we learn about our weaknesses—without it we can't improve. When we're defensive, instead of accepting and gracious, we run the risk of missing out on this important insight. Remember, feedback's not easy to give and it's certainly not easy to receive, but it'll help us now and in the long run.

10 Things To Say To Someone With CPTSD

1.   I hear you. I'm listening.
2.   It's not your fault what happened to you.
3.   Your feelings matter to me. You are important to me.
4.   What would help you right now as you feel overwhelmed and anxious? Making a list? Brainstorming what we can do together if something happens? Slowing down and breathing? Taking a break?
5.   I'm not sure what to say right now, can I sit next to you and just be here for you?
6.   Would you like to tell me more? No pressure. I'm here to listen.
7.   I'm here for you. You're not alone.
8.   Your reactions and symptoms make sense based on what you've been through.
9.   There is nothing wrong with you. You are not crazy.
10.   You've been through a lot. I know it's not my fault, but I'm sorry.

The goal is to:
•   Validate (hearing some kernel of truth in what they are saying, not necessarily agreeing)
•   Actively listening (listening to understand not interrupt)
•   Foster connection (to let them know they are not alone)
•   Be authentic
•   Be present and attuned

your lists are valid and accurate, EA.  i'm hear, and i'm listening.  love and hugs :hug:

About emptiness, excerpt from Welcoming the Unwelcome by Pema Chodron

The first time something like this happened to me, I was also in the middle of a mundane activity. I was sitting in front of my house in New Mexico, I heard the car door slam, my husband walked around, he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, and - wlam ! - life as I knew it had ended.
I hadn't connected with Buddhist teaching yet, so I had no frame of reference.
Then, years later, I received my first teachings in shunyata. This Sanskrit word is most commonly translated as "emptiness". As so many people do, I at first misunderstood it. Emptiness can easily sound like a void, an absence, a state of non-existence.
( ... )
It took me a while to connect emptiness to what I had experienced that day in New Mexico, not to other experiences where my bubble had suddenly burst.
Nothing in our conceptual framework can prepare us for the experience of "life as you know it ends". The way our mind perceives and holds things doesn't operate anymore. All our reference points are gone, how we normally conceive of reality just doesn't work.
( ... )
When we talk about "emptiness", it's important to clarify what empty refers to. The word "tree" is just a convenient name for a collection of parts - trunks, limbs, leaves - that are always changing, day by day, instant by instant. We label it all as a "tree", but that label is just in our minds. In reality, there's nothing permanent or solid we can hold onto. And this is true not only of trees, but of everything in the universe, including "you" and "me".
Everything is empty of fixed ideas and labels. But at the same time, a tree doesn't disappear when we recognize its emptiness. We just see it more clearly as it really is : fluid, open-ended, and interconnected with everything around it.
Another way of talking about emptiness is to say that things are "free of imputed meaning". Instead of experiencing things simply as they are, our minds impute extra-layers of meaning onto them. This may sound very intellectual, but imputing meaning is something we all do, continually. For example, think about how you feel when you say  "a nice cup of tea", ( ... ), "a hot shower", "a puppy". Do you think about (it) just as it is, or is there another layer of meaning on top ?
( ... )
But are any of these meanings actually in these objects ?
When our bubble is burst by sudden events, our imputing meanings are torn away. Sudden experience of emptiness can be triggered in all kinds of ways. When your bubble bursts, even the most ordinary things in your life - your furniture, your neighbor, how you walk down the street - are stripped of their extra-layers of imputed meaning. You find yourself in a groundless, open space.
( ... )
You're onto the truth.
( ... )
As we get to know and appreciate the open groundless state of ( emptiness ), we realize it is far more enjoyable than the fictional "reality" we struggle so hard to maintain and improve, ( ... ) one of the most important parts of the Buddhist faith.
The difficulty with emptiness occurs when we have no context for understanding the experience. If emptiness is simply thrust upon us by circumstances, it can be very painful. ( ... ) . The space is too wide open and there's nothing familiar to hold on to.
We can prepare for such experiences by starting to get familiar with emptiness ( ... ) sitting in the middle of what's going on and letting go of concepts and labels to the best of our ability. If we do this regularly, we may. from time to time, have vivid experiences of how everything is empty of our fixed ideas and mental overlays. They can be similar to moments of "life as you know it ends", but without the shock and the trauma. Although these moments of insight seem to arise from nowhere, they come about because of our practice. ( ... ) They are the natural result of our openness and curiosity about whether our labels and mental imputations have any basis in reality.
Cultivating the experience of emptiness will give us a context, ( ... ), a way of facing the most difficult and disorienting tims without so much despair and rejection. ( ... ) . It doesn't give you a ground or something to hold on to, because the experience itself is one of groundlessness. But knowing about emptiness makes it possible to face it courageously. It makes it possible to appreciate the experience as something that brings us closer to the truth.
Once we begin to see emptiness as an experience to cultivate rather than avoid, we can take advantage of the many opportunities that arise in our lives to learn more about it. They don't have to be sudden shocks ( ... ), we can connect to emptiness through less dramatic emotions and states of mind. Boredom, loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety, fear and even depression are all potential starting points for learning how (...) to experience things just as they are.

This week's Mindfulness-Based Stress reduction course is a sucker punch to the gut...

One of the most under-appreciated aspects of the stress response - Stress makes you social. To understand this side of stress, we need to talk about a hormone, oxytocin. 
Oxytocin is a neuro-hormone.  It fine-tunes your brain's social instincts. It primes you to do things that strengthen close relationships. Oxytocin makes you crave physical contact with your friends and family. It enhances your empathy. But here's what most people don't understand about oxytocin. It's a stress hormone.  Your pituitary gland pumps this stuff out as part of the stress response. It's as much a part of your stress response as the adrenaline that makes your heart pound. And when oxytocin is released in the stress response, it is motivating you to seek support. Your biological stress response is nudging you to tell someone how you feel, instead of bottling it up.  When life is difficult, your stress response wants you to be surrounded by people who care about you. The physical benefits of oxytocin are enhanced by social contact and social support. So when you reach out to others under stress, either to seek support or to help someone else, you release more of this hormone, your stress response becomes healthier, and you actually recover faster from stress.

Techniques to counter stress - Social support. Confidants, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, relatives, spouses, and companions all provide a life-enhancing social net — and may increase longevity. It's not clear why, but the buffering theory holds that people who enjoy close relationships with family and friends receive emotional support that indirectly helps to sustain them at times of stress and crisis

Another modification to the stress response is called tend-and-befriend. It explains why people feel the need to reach out to friends and relatives in the community — to assure themselves that loved ones were all right, to comfort the distressed or bereaved, and to shore up social networks. Connecting in this way actually helps reduce stress as opposed to, say, watching an endless loop of TV coverage. That's because tend-and-befriend also involves different balances of hormones — in particular, increased levels of oxytocin, which enhances bonding
between a mother and child or between sexual partners, for example. It makes the brain's reward centers more responsive to social contact, and it is an important part of resilience.

Ouch.

My "closest" friend texted me for the first time in 4 months.  She asked how I was.  I told her I wasn't ok.  She assured me that everyone was feeling depressed and anxious and I was "not alone". 

I responded, "I'm dealing with acute isolation and the more people I tell, the more they leave me alone.  It's reached epic proportions to the point I am on bed rest.  Since no one has this lived experience, they cannot relate.  Instead of saying, "What can I do to help?" most people tell me things that make it worse and then assume I'm "self isolating" when in reality, I'm dying of loneliness.  I recognize anything more I say may hurt and confuse you, which is not my intention.  It's complicated and messy and there are a lot of strong emotions tied to it.  I understand you give me the friendship you are capable of giving and I appreciate it.  I don't know how to tell you how hard I've tried to get my own needs met, but without the support from others, I haven't been able to heal.  The best thing you an do for me is to come over and let me tell you in my own way what is going on, without trying to fix anything, just listen and ask questions so I can feel heard.  If you can't do this, due to your own capacity, I completely understand that and respect your boundaries.  I allow you the autonomy to decide what is best for you and that in no way changes how I feel about you.

Her response:  "What does your doctor say? There may be a physical component if you're feeling this way.  Come to my virtual pet meditation class so we can see you and encourage you (note - I don't have a pet and I'd have to pay for the class to listen to her tell me to be mindful and relax for 30 minutes - there is no feeling of 'connection' during these meditations, and I do not need "encouragement").  You have to start somewhere to cure the loneliness, right?"

Sigh, again more listening to fix instead of understanding.  That, coupled with the readings from this week's mindfulness.... :Idunno:

The effects of ongoing stress, burnout, and exhaustion on your life look something like this.

You become foggy.

**************
The hormone cortisol floods your system when you are under stress.

It completely disrupts your life by creating these types of conditions:
- you don't think as clearly
- you don't sleep well
- your eating and drinking habits change
- you have a reduced ability to manage emotions
- you isolate

*****************
Self-care will teach you to look inward to better understand these emotions and name them.

And that's important.

However it can leave you in the fog.

Supportive-Care does the work of moving forward by looking outward and processing these emotions with others who support you with the actions needed to walk you through the fog.

Allowing the hormone oxytocin (the human-bonding hormone that overpowers cortisol) to be released.

That is what reduces stress.

***************************
So for leaders and parents out there thinking that your employee/child/friend can clear this fog with their therapist and some self-care alone.

Think again.

The fog clears when the most important people in your life show care and support.

That is you - leaders, managers, bosses, parents, professors, classmates, friends, lawyers, doctors, and even strangers.

Your care and support is what is needed to fully lift that fog.

Without that support people are left feeling unseen, unheard, undervalued, and uncared for.

EA, i've found care and support here like nowhere else, except w/ my D who i live with.  just want you to know i care about you and support you as you continue moving forward.

I *really* need to feel validated, and it makes me feel so needy, because I need it to come from outside of myself...and I recognize because I've rarely experienced that, it's an unmet need. 

I get mad when I see posts online that say, "asking for help is hard, but once you do ask, you will realize how much support is waiting out there for you, don't be afraid to ask for help" when I keep asking and keep getting rejected. 

A year ago, I asked a friend to come over and help me with some things around the house.  Not only did she not come over, but everyone else I asked also didn't come over.  Finally, I went back to the original friend and explained why it was important and that I really just needed her to come over.  I am embarrassed that I've lived here a year and I can't do simple things because of my limitations.  So many unmet needs are being triggered here, as well as all the things I need to unlearn that I've been told my entire life.  I'm so tired of everyone getting it wrong, no wonder I have such a desperate need for validation. I KNOW my truth, so when is someone going to shut up, sit down and listen to it? Sigh.

That friend said she was going to come over today.  I asked her to call me during the week (she didn't, even though she said, "will do!")  With apprehension and dread that once again, I was going to have to deal with feeling rejection, wondering why I even bother having friends, wondering why I even bother asking anyone ANYTHING - even the ask of, "hey, let me know when you have 15 minutes to talk" went unacknowledged....I guess that makes me have "anxious attachment style" because I need context for why people can't bother to show up for me?

So I finally text her, "Good morning :) Wasn't sure if you were still coming over today, I hadn't heard from you this week - wanted to check in" Yup, sure enough she wasn't coming.  That and facing an entire day with only one text message.  It isn't that I'm not grateful for the connections I DO have, it's that they are just a drop in the bucket to the support I need RIGHT NOW.  I have to constantly rely on myself and getting trapped in my own head is making everything seem so much MORE than it is...than when someone would just sit down with me and make me feel connected so I can face the big scary...no one understands how closely this is tied to my trauma and I DON'T want to face it, not to write about it, not to sort it out, not to make sense of it...alone....because alone is the fear.   Not having support has ALWAYS been my story....and I am tired of people telling me things like, "when I stop looking I'll find what I've been searching for". 

I really need to be able to say how I feel about things and have my feelings validated, because the moment I do, the fear goes away...but all I have in my head is my conditioning of how I'm wrong and bad, and a mistake...so how am I supposed to fight through that and validate myself? And yet I do. 

Someone told me today I have extremely high levels of intrapersonal intelligence, and that comforted me.  To be seen and recognized, and told it's a skill - not a weakness.  I'm on another consciousness than most people, who are too afraid to look or to explore or to change. I'm doing the work and that is what is separating me from everyone else.  I also did breathwork today, and was seen and heard again.  I'm real good on the self care, I just need the supportive care - and it's a need I've had since childhood. 

For me right now, I recognize my task of documenting what happened at work brings up SO much trauma for me I can't even do it (but I'm insanely self-aware) and recognized I needed to be able to tell someone what was going on with me just to be told "yes, that makes sense, you're not crazy" so I can keep going. Right now (today/this week) I am opening up separate word docs and compartmentalizing every aspect of the things that come up for me, so any time I have a trigger I can remind myself/tell someone what is upsetting me so they can validate it - and that makes the trigger....lose power?

I recognized this morning, my own inability to get any of my "friends" to sit with me and really let me tell them what happened is part of the reason I am still holding onto so much. It's finding the right support - finding this forum was like a needle in a haystack for me really, but once I found it and know there are a bunch of people I can vent to about what is really bothering me and they say, Yes, I have been there too...it helps.

In trying to work through my trauma, a lot of what comes up is individual friends who have let me down, and not been the friend I needed.  It's exacerbated by constantly reading articles on how important social support is to trauma survivors, and to feel like they are in a safe space and heard...So I have been focusing on one friend and how the constant not being heard eventually created a trauma response, and I wrote her...and sent it.  It brought up a lot of stuff to me about what a friend is.  I had another friend, I've already gotten closure on that ended friendship...except I guess I 100% haven't?  Her home became a safe space so I could work through my trauma and we could talk about hard things...and I had mentioned to her group of friends how I wish *I* had friends, and all of them were like, "but we are your friends!  You should add us on Facebook!" and that's just it - that's how most people view friendship. 

I said, my facebook feed is currently status updates of what this one friend (the one whose house I was in at the time) is doing...I've never found social media a way to feel connected and yet that's everyone's suggestion, follow this group, or add this person and then you can feel like you have friends.  For me, reading social media is a huge trigger of feeling like The Little Match Girl - watching someone else have a life while I'm sitting home alone.  My FB - I only had around 12 friends...most of those people haven't even spoken to me in over a year.  So to be told how they have supportive family and friends and are having incredible life experiences while I'm sitting home, alone, struggling to heal in isolation...These aren't friends.  A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.  A friend shows up.  A friend doesn't let you sit alone with your trauma. 

And I recognize what I need most.  It's not to be told how to think, or that I shouldn't feel that way, it's to be allowed to feel my feelings and I've never had that. Since childhood people have been telling me the way I think and feel is wrong...but every fiber in my being, when I reach out and ask for the help I need from the people who know me best is rejection, that what I'm asking for is wrong, that to be an "adult" you only talk about your successes and you suppress any other thoughts, or you are "mindful" and you let your thoughts go by without attaching meaning to it - well the ONLY thing my brain cares about right now is wanting to tell my story and have someone say, yes. I acknowledge that. Just the way you said it.  You aren't wrong.

I feel like it's more I'm outgrowing some friendships, and distancing myself from things that no longer serve me, but with it comes grief, of things ending...only for me, there are so many things ending, so many things I'm getting closure from...even TV shows...and I can't understand it, and I'm lost and confused and sad and scared...because out of all the things that are ending, there isn't anything beginning except more nothingness.  And I've felt like I've had nothing my entire life, so this time the nothingness feels excruciating.  And still I end things and find closure, because I need to heal...

During the pandemic, the closest thing I had to friends was watching YouTube videos...Worth It was one of them...I love Andrew and Steven...and I discovered that their last upload was their series finale...sigh.

I realize over and over the "insert something to make you feel better" things make me feel worse because no one has been allowing me to just FEEL my feelings. I DO have a right to be lonely, and angry, and rejected....my feelings are valid.  My story is valid.  My frustrations are valid...but I can't validate them in my own head while I'm also trying to undo a lifetime of being told that everything I love about me is wrong and needs to be fixed.  That the reasons why I am alone is because I'm "othered" when in reality I have amazing qualities that are being completely missed because no one wants to take the time to allow me to be vulnerable with them enough to share my story - so I can feel that sense of validation, because that's what I need right now. 

I completely recognize it's not my fault and it's not their fault, it just IS...but I need to be ABLE to say how I feel in a safe space where I won't immediately be told that "I am enough". 

It really hurts when people are not what we need them to be. When I was grappling with coming to terms with a particularly difficult trauma I have honestly never ever felt so very alone because it felt like it was something I could not talk about with anyone ever except my therapist and that was not nearly enough. It was the most isolated I've ever felt and it felt awful. I'm sorry that something similar is happening with you, with the added difficulty that the lack of support itself is a trauma trigger and not just a bad feeling.

I resonate with the challenge of having social support and also finding social support difficult to trust and difficult to find validation within.  I appreciate the work you are doing.

I *may* have already said this here, but I'm putting it down again as I work through everything else

I self-identify as a highly sensitive person that has been dealing with chronic social isolation and complex PTSD for most of my life. 

I keep getting told I'm extremely self aware.  I've felt like I had to be.  I have only myself to talk to, I spend all my time being my own therapist, checking myself for understanding only...I can no longer articulate what it is I need...which then loops around to my core wound of not being heard.  *I* recognize this, and it's this I want to connect with someone about...to help me process it, because I can't keep educating and advocating for myself, I don't have the physical or mental capacity to.  My experience has been I need to meet people where they are, and I want for once for someone to meet me where *I* am and check for understanding so we can start off on the right foot and not waste any time, because time is a big core wound.

CBT is just telling me I need to change my way of thinking, my way of thinking is wrong I need to accept the things other people want me to think because then I'll be happy and I keep saying NO, I need to be heard.

Even before the pandemic, I didn't have the words to express how this presented for me.  I didn't have the connections with others to be able to process what this felt like for me, and how it was causing me to react in day-to-day life.  The chronic social isolation presents itself as a craving for human connection, but it was a craving I couldn't identify...what everyone else seemed to have that I didn't.  I imagined that everyone around me could sense that I had some fundamental part of me missing, and society tends to be repulsed by that which they are unfamiliar with, so all my attempts to connect were often met with rejection. 

I was watching an interview with Viola Davis and Oprah, and she said this thing that stuck with me:  I didn't have the tools to figure it out on my own...and then I was ashamed that I didn't have the tools to figure it out on my own...so all I had, all I could do was swim in the shame. 

As I discover and research and explore, it brings up a lot of trauma for me.  As the trauma is brought up, I discover/educate/research trauma and how that looks like for me.  I recognize most people hear what I say and filter it through their own experiences, so they make assumptions based on their understanding, which may not be accurate.  For me to say I have PTSD, people perhaps imagine a veteran in a war, maybe there was an explosion, maybe I get scared easily during thunderstorms.  Again, the pandemic showed me that unless you have lived the experience, you can never really understand how it expresses itself in another person. 

I also am aware that everyone is dealing with their own trauma in their own way. 

I feel I know what my basic needs are.  I feel like I articulate them accurately.  I feel I assess someone else's capability to meet my needs and do my best to meet them where they are.

_______________________________________________________________________

At the start of this journey, I had written: my biggest issue right now is that I have no conscious awareness of anything right now, and I don't know how to put that into words (I didn't know what I didn't know - I'm still not quite sure how to explain that to someone else).  I say something and I can't remember what I just said.  My thoughts get stuck in a loop and I just think and think and think and sometimes I write them down, but I'm also dealing with acute isolation.  and active PTSD,  so that's my baseline and I couldn't figure out how to make healthy meals, there were too many steps involved and doing things like getting dressed and leaving the house were too hard (spoon theory).  Most days leaving my bedroom was really hard because of the fear that she (my abuser) might need something (hypervigilance and appeasing my abuser).  I couldn't put a name to it, I had no one else to bounce ideas off of so I could work through it and process it.  And I was told how great this was, how strong I was, and how I was smart enough to figure it out by myself, I just had to believe in myself more, or love myself more.  and so I knew trying to process my trauma with anyone caused them to stop being my friend, and it further exacerbated the loop, as well as the isolation. 

Quote from: Eireanne on April 12, 2023, 12:06:22 PM

CBT is just telling me I need to change my way of thinking, my way of thinking is wrong I need to accept the things other people want me to think because then I'll be happy and I keep saying NO, I need to be heard.. 

This has been my experience of CBT too and many other people's experience as well. It is really not suited for complex PTSD at all and furthers the damage.

It has also been my experience that most people do not know how to respond to someone with PTSD and trauma. It is extremely isolating when you have a need to have other people understand you. My husband is learning to understand over the years. There is not a single other person in my life who does get it, besides my therapist.

Luckily there are more trauma informed therapists out there who are starting to truly understand complex trauma and how to treat it. CBT therapists generally think they know how to treat trauma and are blind to the shortcomings and make you feel like it's all your fault you aren't getting better.  That isn't true.

This stuff is complex. It is alienating. Keep opening up here as long as it is useful for you because we do get it. We may not get everything all the time in the right way but we understand the nature of the beast we are all dealing with. 

as armee said, this is the nature of the beast - the isolation, feeling of not being heard, difficulty explaining ourselves to ourselves and others - trauma causes so much distortion in our brains, as you already know. i give you so much credit for the research you've done, the learning about the beast and the brain.  i've found it helps to know sometimes.  keep going, EA.  love and hugs :hug:

I was part of this virtual meditation group with people that were the closest thing I had to a sense of connection with another human being.  One hour a week, with a little round robin at the beginning and end, so I had about 5 minutes a week where I could feel heard and the sense that even though everyone has different problems, we are all struggling with something.  Their words would resonate with me, the feeling of connection and there was something I could do about it, made me feel I was working on my healing.  Only I wasn't healing and I couldn't understand why...I tried addressing my feelings of isolation with the woman who ran the meditation session in a private discussion after class, but she invalidated my feelings and basically told me I was just depressed and needed to love myself more.  I wrestled with how to respond to her in a way that I could be understood and attempted to set up a meeting with her and her sister (they run their little meditation/yoga company together) and she was not available, but I talked to her sister and well...her sister's response was that I should just join al-anon and find a support group for co-dependent people.  Sigh. 

In response to that sister, I sent her a youtube video on loneliness and what to do when a friend says they are lonely.  She thanked me and said, "I appreciate you helping me grow and sending me material that teaches me how to hold space better for others, especially when they feel lonely.  Of course our intentions are to help by suggesting solutions, but I understand now that sometimes, if not all the time, others just want to be seen and heard, not fixed." But never actually spoke to me again after that email. (March 22nd)

The "meditation" sister (the one who assumes I'm just depressed) texted me yesterday to ask if I've gone to a support group yet, and if not reminded me I should come to their meditation class...and that she was thinking about me.  So today, in the "hard work" that I am doing, I found some newsletters of theirs I had saved, because at the time it was worth coming back to and wanted to re-visit it when I had time to process.  However, in my new lens of being at a completely different level of consciousness with them, I am now using their very own words against them, as I am letting go of things that no longer serve me. 

What do we truly need? To connect with another human being What brings us joy? Being heard, being validated, being seen When do we feel the most balanced? When someone understands me What do we need to feel complete? Social support. 

It took some time and a lot of energy, but eventually we got to a place where we could confidently answer those questions. And we continue to ask them regularly to check in with ourselves.  So proud of you for finally figuring this out for yourself, whereas my answers have remained the same since childhood.  

The rest is just BS, so I deleted it and started re-writing this one:

For many of us, it's been years since we've had any kind of social interaction. Warm gestures like hugging, kissing, conversations, and patting each other on the back are non-existent.  The only physical touch we receive is from a doctor's exam.  

Christie Kederian notes, "physical touch is a basic human need that we crave."    

1. Check in with Yourself - Accept your feelings of chronic isolation and take a deep breath. Recognize that no matter how you attempt to explain to someone what you are experiencing, they do not share this live experience and have absolutely NO frame of reference for it, and no conscious awareness within themselves of what this means.  Understand that these friends you thought you had will not be able to Give You their Full Attention.  This interaction is not important to them, because allostatis prevents them from exerting any resources on you. Their brains are less inclined to use up precious resources in making difficult predictions, because you do not mean much to them. 

They will not Strive to Understand.  They will not attempt to validate you are saying. Your feelings, thoughts, and reactions do NOT make sense to them based on their situation and context.

They cannot Focus you.  This is not their fault.  You will not feel validated, respected, and seen—they are not wired with the intention to be curious, or capable of asking open-ended questions.

Oh and this one:

How to soothe ourselves and heal.

The tools we have reached for are therapy, meditation, podcasts, and self-help books.  It's an uncomfortable road to go down and we aren't used to those feelings.  We are still in the process of letting go of lots of things, but we have shifted our perspectives and realize now that there's not a single goal we are moving towards but instead a lifelong process with many milestones.

The weight of continuous mental lecturing can be lifted with practice and this shift in perspective is a gift of freedom. One of our most recent tools to help us shift our perspective and continue our healing journeys is The Rich Roll Podcast-Light Watkins: Doing the Work is the Shortcut (WARNING: It's a loooong podcast but there are some real gems in here!).

Basically, all of their tools and their advice is to do the hard work on your own.  Their advice to me every week was to remind myself that I AM ENOUGH.  And when I countered with, "but what about my social needs that aren't being met?" those thoughts were invalidated, because they are surrounded with love and support, from each other, their families, their coworkers, their community...and they can't comprehend what never experiencing that, except from an occasional periphery feels like, and it's not their fault, because they haven't ever had ONLY their own mind, and their own level of understanding to get through a situation.  None of them have.  They haven't had to DO the work.  And I give them the grace and understanding that they cannot give me what I need.

Nature does not distinguish between what the seed falls on the soil. The earth nourishes whatever seed is planted. This is the way life works for us all as well.

Even though the Universe is for your good and the law of life is for ever-upward expansion and freedom, when you and I get focused on what bothers us, the universe can only grow for us that which we are attending with our attention.

Be mindful of the seeds you plant today, as they become the crop you harvest. Take your attention away from what worries you, and focus on what you love!
Be thoughtful and make choices that will lead you to the path of the person you would like to be.
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It is a dangerous thing to focus on what is lacking in our lives for this only brings more of the same. We are moved in the direction of our central thoughts, for these are what the universe uses to decide what we want in our lives. To be given the gift of affluence by the Universe must be firm in your conviction to ask for wealth and joy in her words, deeds and thoughts.
It will teach you that everything, every success starts with your mind and you taking actions. You change your mind and you change your destiny.
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When I would read prompts like these in the past, the only message I was (redacted word - thanks cognitive issues) oh! Internalizing, lol...yay. was to NOT think about whatever was subconsciously bothering me.  Isolated? Just don't feel it, because that's the seed you are planting and if you THINK about it, you'll continue to feel isolated, so now it's MY OWN FAULT I have no one showing up for me when I need help. 

Written a while ago....more on the same theme...

There is good in everything if you just learn how to reframe it. My issue is, how can I reframe that which I've never experienced? If, as a child, my family was my entire universe then I was led to believe that that is just the way things are. I don't know there's an alternative because this is all I know. I don't know HOW to fight another way, I don't know how to express myself another way, I want those things modeled for me and I don't know where to find the answers I need. 

Think thoughts the size of the success you would like to have. This subtle element is fast and powerful. It will manifest in your life.
Then that's what I need to start doing.  I need this time, where the answers I'm looking for and the things I am reading will sync up. 

The power to control your experience starts with your thoughts. What life expanding thoughts will you generate today? What you focus on, you create. So focus your attention consciously, and do not allow your attention to stray to results that you aren't interested in manifesting. Because you can, and will, create more of what you are focusing on...releasing something that you were ready to let go of... but also to pause after the moment of release to truly enjoy and recognize the beautiful ripples in that moment.  The more we look within for wholeness, the greater will be our acceptance of all things at all times.  "Going within" first takes a decision.  Next, it takes stillness, and then patience.  But peace will come.

First, I need to have wholehearted belief that something will come and that what I want IS out there and will be attracted to me.  Maybe I need to draw a circle of protection around my talks with my therapist and explain to the universe that I'm releasing those thoughts and they shouldn't listen to them, it's not what I want to attract to myself any longer?

Do not allow yourself to stay in a situation that is less than life-giving. Transform your circumstance through non-resistance by having a clear image of where you are going. The tiny stream knows in some part of its own nature that it is being drawn to a larger stream - and then - the ocean.  There is a magnetic pull towards the greater, and that same pull is at work in you and me. You can behave any way you decide to.   Wherever you are right now you can do this: Take a deep breath.

This post is more of just a vent and does not need to be responded to...but thank you to all those that are reading and supporting me in my healing!


Becoming wise is letting go of the illusion that the external world is there to take care of you or make you feel better and understanding that only you can resolve your emotional needs and internal conflicts.

Because of our victim consciousness, many continue to transfer responsibility onto others and project their childlike desire to be taken care of

I have such issues with the way this is worded, mostly because I've been told I'm "acting like a victim" my entire life.  Is it really that wrong to want to experience being taken care of? Is it REALLY a "child-like" desire?  When every TV show I watch shows anyone in a moment of crisis receiving comfort from a friend/loved one? That the images society gives me are to just "ask for help" and then be overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support....that I've NEVER experienced???  So....*I* am a childlike victim, but everyone else can get the help they need? Great.  Thanks. 

Because we have internalized and not fully resolved our feelings of vulnerability from childhood, whether we are conscious of it or not, we continue to perpetuate some level of victim consciousness...examining our internalized and unprocessed feelings of vulnerability from childhood. During our formative years, our brain has an inherent mechanism to distort reality as to psychologically protect us from harm so that we can survive in our environment. Because some of the experiences we encountered in childhood created emotional distress and threatened our self- esteem, our subconscious mind creates defense mechanisms as a means of coping.

These defense mechanisms become part of our subconscious framework. Growing up psychologically and spiritually is accepting the painful reality that deep down, we all feel vulnerable and inadequate and to work through the anxiety, fear and sadness that this realization creates.

Another dynamic that keeps us trapped in victim consciousness are control dramas, which are also created in childhood.

I really don't remember where I found this crap...but there's more...

When we become self-actualized, we step out of this paradigm. We realize that there is a third position; not to engage in either role and learn how to satisfy our own emotional needs. A wise person learns how to navigate relationships without being a bully, which means not desiring power or control over others, imposing one's values on others or manipulating others to satisfy internal needs. A wise person also learns how to set boundaries with others and communicate assertively. A wise person also understands that all interactions need to be an equal energetic exchange or a win/win situation because we are all energetically connected. If one party wins and the other party loses, this actually impacts both parties in a negative way. A bully/victim paradigm appears to be a win/lose, but is more accurately a lose/lose position. A wise person understands that cooperation is the only solution and every outcome needs to be a win/win.
If the reality is no one really cares about your well-being but you and that is OK. It is not wise to allow your well-being to rest in the hands of highly flawed and self-serving individuals.

So the message I received here was I am NOT self-actualized (whatever that is), I have to learn how to satisfy my own needs.  When I ask people to show up for me I am either a victim or a bully, and I cannot be wise because I haven't learned to meet my own needs for connection ON. MY. OWN.  That I should keep myself small, have no needs, no wants, and it's my own fault I never learned how to set boundaries that were respected, so of course any time I try I will be rejected because I am creating a negative...whatever, because the person I am asking does not want to (on whatever level) show up for me - so it's NOT equal.  I should not ask for what is not being offered or I am WRONG.  Oh, and I am being wise for recognizing this and further creating an atmosphere of isolation by understanding these are people that cannot be what I need.  GREAT. 

(1) A central fact about early childhood  is that babies are born into the world entirely at the mercy of others. They have  no native strength, intelligence or utility,  they cannot fight or complain,  walk away or argue their case,  their survival depends solely on their  capacity to look up from their cots with vast, innocent, beautiful eyes and charm their  parents into caring for them. It's their power to attract love that ensures they will be fed and clothed, protected and kept alive.

(2) In exchange for this nurture, young children readily offer their parents or caregivers unconditional admiration. They naturally adore and are boundlessly impressed by those who pick  them up and bathe them, warm their milk and change their sheets. They are in awe at these giant people who know how to turn on a washing machine and kick a ball over a tree. There 
is - at this stage - no innate desire whatever to question or doubt figures of authority.

(3) Given what is at stake, it follows that small children are instinctively, hugely sensitive to how well they are doing at  getting their admired protectors on their side. If they feel they are loved, they can relax into themselves and get on with the many other pressing priorities of early childhood: working out how to eat solids, figuring out what a plug socket is, how a button functions, what  words are and how soap bubbles form.

(4) But if love is in more restricted supply,  the picture grows a whole lot more complicated. There are childhoods in which, for a variety of reasons, parents fail to be charmed as they might 
be. They leave the baby to scream, they shout at one another, there might be violence and hysteria, lethargic despair and terror. The young child  knows instinctively it is in grave danger, 
if the situation is not somehow corrected, in extremis, it may be left on a hillside to die.

(5) At this point, our biology initiates a desperate yet darkly logical process. The young child starts to try a lot harder. It  redoubles its efforts to charm, to be good, to do what could be expected of it, to smile and to ingratiate itself. It wonders what may be wrong with itself to explain the parental disapproval and harm - and doesn't feel any alternative but to search in  its own character and behaviour for answers.

(6) At the same time, the child resists what might - from an adult perspective - seem like the obvious move: to get annoyed with and blame the adults in the vicinity who are not looking after it as they should. But  such a bold thought does not belong to the defencelessness of the early years. We are in no position to mount a challenge to our protectors when we can hardly reach the door handle,  let alone turn on a tap; we need to have our own front door key and bank account before cynicism is a realistic option. It is far more intuitive to wonder why we are horrid than to  complain of being unfairly and unkindly treated.

(7) Small children therefore naturally turn injury done to them into dislike of themselves.  They ask not so much 'Why does my parent fail to care for me?' as 'How might I have failed this 
admirable person?' They hate themselves rather than doubt those who should be protecting them, shame replaces anger. It feels,  on balance, like the safer option.

(8) A vicious spiral of self- hatred then sets in. The unloved growing child wonders constantly about their faults. Their  parent may be alcoholic, narcissistic, sadistic or depressed; they may never cook a proper meal or shout intemperately from their bedroom,  but none of that matters in the slightest. The parent cannot be envisaged as anything other than substantially impressive. To explain the lack of love from the paragons of parenthood,  it must be that the child is an awful person, they must be stupid and mean, selfish and slow,  physically repulsive and irritating and shallow.

(9) As childhood gets left behind,  much of this dynamic is forgotten. The adolescent and young adult overlooks exactly what went on, they cannot necessarily think clearly of the early years - and parental figures may be keen that they never do so.  The former child can't tell any more that their  feeling of shame has specific origins, it can feel like something they might have been born with, a  natural phenomenon, like bad weather or the flu.

(10) Liberation awaits us when we dare to take on board a highly implausible idea:  that our self-hatred, far from being inevitable,  is an internalisation of early deprivation and that far from needing to revere and admire those who denied us love, we are in a position to understand, to question, to be annoyed and to mourn what we did not receive. We are not so despicable after  all, we've just - till now - lacked any better ideas to explain why we didn't manage to charm those who should have loved us from the start.

More BS words that didn't give me anything I needed:

How to prevent burnout
Go on a trip
Delegate
Schedule – discipline
Journal – manifest
Write down your goals

Failure is a crucial aspect of success

How to tap into your personal power
Speak possibilities into life
Focus on the things you want, NOT the negative aspects of your current situation.
DO don't try
Never say never – linguistic trap – confining yourself to the walls your words create
Beware of labels – they limit
Self-esteem is built on your own thoughts and you can control your thoughts
turn up the volume on positive thoughts
delete negative thoughts
spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself
tell others what you like about them
say thank you for complements
write down 10 things about yourself that you admire

How to be more consistent
keep your eye on your why
pick your battles
schedule your priorities
ignore your feelings
catch that wagon
success doesn't come from what you do occasionally it comes from what you do consistently

Be more assertive and communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way
create a balanced schedule
reframe problems
practice gratitude
prioritize tasks
create a worry period – Write down your worries

quiet your mind with your breath - find your center
connect to your heart, smile inwardly and say thank you (Namaste)
do this for three full breaths – feel the warmth of being connected to your heart
what are your values
interests
strengths
dreams
skills
what do you need to feel fulfilled

any vision is better than no vision, take your time
allow the questions to percolate in your mind

Content Warning: Abusive relationship

I went back to the very beginning of my relationship with the meditation group...

My initial email to them: I'm taking you up on your offer, when you say if there's something going on to message you about it privately.  I have avoided doing so, because I didn't want to dump my stress and drama on you when we all have our own stresses and drama to deal with.  In the broadest strokes, and overview of my situation:

I was in a relationship with someone for 5+ years, my first and only relationship, really...and a combination of stressful events have triggered trauma in both of us.  We are handling it vastly differently. I have decided I do not want to let anxiety and depression control my life any longer.  I found a therapist that does more for me than just ask how my week has been, and I've had several breakthroughs over the past few weeks. I am on medication, and getting neurofeedback treatments.  I was doing well with meditation for a small bit, and am looking forward to your yoga class this evening.  He has escaped deep within himself and either regressed to someone he was 16 years ago, or is having a midlife crisis.  He wants to "focus on him" right now, which means only doing things that feel good - drinking, smoking pot, playing video games, and talking with other girls right in front of me.  He is behaving entirely out of character and because I did not have a model for a healthy relationship, my efforts to get the help I needed when I was at my worst caused him to break up with me, which he uses to justify and rationalize any guilt he may feel about this behavior and how it affects me.  Coupled with the fact I learned he had already been chatting with someone else online during the months preceding our breakup, and not just "since we broke up", I now feel I live in an abusive and controlling situation that mirrors the abuse I went through during childhood.

Part of me knows that the best thing for us is to separate and move on, but I still feel that he needs help, even though he won't admit it to himself.  I also know that I can't be the one to get him help, he has to realize for himself, and I can only work on me and my own healing. 

However, this dynamic has absolutely wrecked my ability to meditate.  I constantly think of him, and how he is, and how he was, and what might happen in the future.  I cannot seem to just put him in a little box and focus on me, and I definitely can't put him out of my mind. I'm working on it, but I feel I'm regressing and losing any progress I was making while meditating with you.  I also wrongly thought I had until the end of the month to transcribe all of deepak chopras 22 day meditations, but when I sat down to do it last weekend, the trial period was already up and I could no longer access the content, and I'm very disappointed I wasn't able to get the transcription done.   

I've got to figure out a way to get back to that state where I can quiet my thoughts, and was wondering if you had any advice.  Please think on it and let me know if you have any suggestions. 
____________________________________________________________________________________________

Her response: THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!! I have been thinking of you and was meaning to reach out last week to see how you were doing but my over-packed life delayed me so I'm so grateful you were comfortable enough to share this with me. You are not dumping stress or drama on anyone! I'm honored and humbled that you shared with me.

So first off... wow. A lot is going on!!! I know it may seem overwhelming but it sounds like you are on the right path and moving forward in a healthy direction (even though your meditation practice may have dropped a bit) It's going to be ok. I'm not diminishing all you're going through because it is a lot, but know that we are all going through crazy shifts right now and we're going to get through this stronger and wiser. YOU will get through this stronger and wiser.

Secondly, would you be comfortable if I shared this with my sister? The benefit of (redacted) is two different but complimentary perspectives. Please let me know if you'd be okay with that.

Lastly, I just want to reiterate what a light you are in this world. You are stronger than you know and you have genuine support all around you. Thanks again for sharing your story with me. I'm so happy to see you again in class tonight!!

(They followed up by offering me the reiki/coaching sessions at 50% off in exchange for administrative services to get their business up and running)
________________________________________________________________________________________________

My two responses:

Apologies for the delay in my response, I've been having difficulty processing, and I wanted to let the offer sit while I worked through it.  Coupled with yet another layer of trauma I'm dealing with at home, and the work that it takes to deal with the emotions as I have breakthroughs and things come up for me...I just needed to take a step back for myself.

I'm not fully in a better head space, but able to give you a response. 

My initial response is yes, I would really appreciate being a test client for you both.  However, this brings up a lot of insecurity, which I will lay out for you.

1.  How much is 50%?  I have a deep rooted fear of not having enough money, and while I understand about supporting practitioners and giving, and on the surface it shouldn't be a monetary issue, the panic that is attached to my current budget and unstable home situation makes me worry about the added expense. 

2.  I don't feel as if you are pushing anything on to me, your work resonates with me, but I'm not entirely in a place where I can receive it at times.  I have good days, and then bad stretches, but the length of time I'm in the bad stretches are lessening, and I think working with you both would only move me in the right direction further. 

Please let me know your thoughts

2nd email (sent a week later):

I'm having a difficult time focusing on ME and work, and haven't been sleeping well, and have been consistently making mistakes at work that make me fearful for my job security.  This email is not to bring up any negative feelings for not having responded yet - I completely understand and we will connect when it happens, I just want to fill you both in on what's going on here.  Perhaps in some way I feel if I get it out, my brain will stop replaying it and I can focus on work for the next few hours.

Without getting too much into the backstory or details, I discovered my boyfriend of 5+ years is abusive, controlling, and not my other half/puzzle piece after all.  My brain is having a hard time reconciling that fact with the person he is currently being.  The person he is currently being is incredibly cruel, manipulative, and in complete denial of his actions.  It's as if his defense mechanisms are protecting his consciousness from what he is doing, and it's tearing me apart.  When he initially broke up with me (it was sudden and not mutual) he told me I couldn't sleep in our bedroom anymore, until he had time to get over what hurt I caused him.  He suggested we swap out beds (the bed I purchased shortly before we moved in together is in the spare bedroom) and I declined, because it is an IKEA bed, and I was afraid for its structural integrity.  I realize now he has no intention of working on our relationship, he is actively emotionally invested in relationships with other girls online in front of me, and had been prior to our breakup.  On Friday, I calmly asked him to switch beds, this way he can have his privacy and I can work on myself and my healing, in my room that gives me comfort.  He initially agreed, but said I'd have to help.  I said I was going away for the weekend to give him his space, but he'd have 3 days, and to please at least start on moving.  Sunday I called him and asked if I could have a mutual friend come by to help him do the work that would take 2 people.  Again, he agreed, but a few hours later insisted that I now pay an extra $400 a month because I will have the "bigger" room.  This is a petty controlling action which distracted me from my weekend and is now the forefront of all my thoughts.  I attempted to reason with him once I came home, but we are at an impasse.  I think he is trying to make my life so unbearable here that he will force me to move, which I cannot financially do at this point, and he is aware. I feel he is doing this so that he will rationalize that he is not responsible for any part of our breakup, so he can sleep at night. 

I need to figure out a way to stop giving him so much of my energy.  When you both have time, please connect on this and let me know if my challenges are too much above what you are able to deal with right now.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Responses:

Thank you so much for sharing. You are so strong and so brave and we are really honored to be helping you on your healing journey....You are such an beautiful and vibrant soul... can't wait to chat more with you and THANK YOU for being so open with us!!!  You are so amazing!  Have a lovely weekend and chat with you soon!!

I am taken back by how open and honest you are with yourself, and in turn being able to communicate so clearly where you are right now.  It sounds like you are in a very high stress situation, emotionally, mentally and physically.  That is quite the combination and it makes sense that your concentration with work would be affected.  But have faith that we can help you get through this and we are very excited to help you start this journey!
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My response: I'm going to need a few days.  My father just passed, and I am grieving on top of grieving the loss of my relationship with (my abuser), but have decided to plan out a memorial to get the healing I need for myself.  I'm also going to take a few days off work to sit and process.  I'll reach out to you in a few days once I can get a handle on what feels like a roller coaster running through a whirlwind.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Monday was the hardest day for me, but I talked to my dad, and between that, the support system I realize I have and the healing energy I'm being continuously sent from amazing people such as yourselves, it has been a lot easier to deal with my Dad's passing than it is the continuous abuse X is showing me.  I thank him in a way, he's showing me so little of the person I thought I loved...it's not easier, but it's harder to continue to love the person he is currently. 

With that said, I really do want to move on, and I know it's short notice, tomorrow being Friday and all, but here is my situation.  I have taken bereavement leave from work so I can focus on my own healing for a few days.  Writing the memorial invite was hard, and writing what I'm going to say at the memorial will be even harder, but I'm up to the task and being gentle with myself.  As I'm not working, I am moving at a very slow pace, focusing on the things I want to focus on, and hopefully will come out the other end with clearer focus. 

Meaning, I could really use what you both are offering - the consultation, the reiki session, as well as the coaching session.  Throughout it all I will be both client and observer from a business perspective.  I can help you brainstorm ideas for shortening the consultation (you mentioned length is an issue) as well as maybe a name for what it is you're doing...I have some ideas but they will be better formed during/after.  I'd love to tell you about my previous/similar work with other practitioners, and get a sense of how I can best support you both.

I do fully understand I am still grieving and I know you are taking that into consideration, but this is what I need and what would be best for me at this time.  So talk it over and let me know.  The memorial is the 22nd, I go back to work the 24th.  I have a few appointments but other than that my calendar is wide open.  I'll also sign up for Friday Yoga :)
______________________________________________________________________________

Their response: Thanks for reaching out.  It looks like you have been really putting yourself first these last couple of days, and let us be here to give you a virtual hug, high-five, and a "* yeah! good for YOU!"  Nothing seems "easy" for you right now and that can be potential for you to want to run away or ignore what's happening.  But instead you choose to take the time you need to process these feelings and we are here to congratulate you on that. I'm so sorry for what you have been going through.  I fully believe that you will come out the other side stronger, and more confident.

So then I had a reiki/coaching session with both sisters and this was the feedback I provided:

Suggestions - to cut down the time of intake, you said you had set questions you like to ask, but often you can't get to them because the tangents that the conversation takes...and I get that, and wanted our conversation to continue - I felt like I was really seen, and validated for being me, it was lovely.  Perhaps sending the questions as an intake form to complete before the conversation, where you can already understand some of where this individual is coming from, and that way save time to focus on the tangents?  Perhaps you have already tried and there are reasons you prefer a live conversation, such as the individual steers you towards which questions are most important to ask...but perhaps there is a way to get some of the information prior to the intake call itself.

As I mentioned on the feedback form, much like with the guided meditation, my thoughts took me several places during the reiki session, and it was so insightful I wish I could have taken notes....I followed the "rules" though and immersed myself in the experience.  I know these thoughts that I had will come up at another time, or maybe subconsciously they did the work they were there to do and moved on?  Who knows.  This is my own personal experience, and I'm not sure how other clients are...perhaps they don't overthink as much?  All in all I would say the reiki session was akin to a beautiful dream I just wanted to hold on to after waking.

Reading the summary notes helped me to re-live the empowered feeling I had at being validated.  Even now, this morning I listened to something that is supposed to be inspirational from the universe, and it said I need to take responsibility for everything that's happened to me, even things that happened as a young child, because there's a part of me that needed that lesson...that may be my interpretation of things, it's not a direct quote...but then I internalize that as "Everything that has happened to me is my fault, I have to not be a victim, not blame everyone else, I need to own this" And then your words "It's not your fault, there is no fault" - I almost feel as if I need follow up chats, reminders, pep talks or something to keep me going until I can do this on my own.  I understand that you're offering that, but again, like I mentioned on the feedback form, the fact that you both resonate with me so much, I just want to chat with you like friends, not feel as if I'm a client receiving a service...and it's honestly something I've felt before with other practitioners...so it's just the part of me that's craving finding her community, not pressure on you to BE MY FRIEND! haha, if that makes sense.  I'm not sure if again, this is a common issue that clients have, or just me. 

I had thoughts of how you could further your marketing, and can't remember that thought right now (it was during one of the sessions) so let me think on it, it'll come back to me....but let me know when we can discuss how I can help you both - as you've both helped (and continue to help) me immensely!

They never did follow up with me on how I could help them...partly because I've been drowning in trauma/burnout/isolation for the past 3 years and just didn't have the capacity...but that illusion of connection I felt with them was enough to make me feel like I could pretend they were my friends...because I didn't have anything else. 

I had this in an email draft since January...I had thought to send it to all of my "friends" hoping they'd get the hint and show up for me?  But the most I can ever get is the "thinking of you" text out of them....so I'll just put this here as a reminder:

Keeping in touch with friends can be more rewarding than you think; social relationships impact everything, including mental health and overall mood. But it's often hard to notice how much our friendships mean until there's a lot of time and distance keeping us apart. Have you been falling short when it comes to keeping in touch with a loved one or a long-distance friend? Well, it's not too late. Call them today. If you don't have time, send yourself a reminder for tomorrow. And if a phone call is simply out of the question, send them something to show you care. Even a small gesture will go a long way—send a text that says "thinking of you." If you've been prioritizing your career at the expense of your social life, reflect on your local network, reach out, and see if they want to plan a day together.

Since I HAD been prioritizing my "career" at the expense of my social life - I had been actively reaching out to everyone I knew, seeing if they wanted to plan a day together - well, they didn't.  Still don't.  Lucky me. 

My first attempt at a response to feeling invalidated by someone I reached out to for help (Feb 6th):

I feel like everything I say can be taken two ways, and I keep getting caught up in semantics, so I'm not expressing myself accurately, but I keep realizing it's not me, it's just my communication style is different.  I am not depressed.  I'm what happens when you keep someone in isolation longer than is mentally healthy for them.  I'm shutting down because there is no aspect of my life when I feel a connection to someone.  

To illustrate my point, you say, "you have friends, X and X are your friends" but what you don't realize is the dynamic of our friendship has changed dramatically, and I really only see them about 6 times a year.  That's really hard when they are the closest people to me physically. 

The next closest person is my friend X, whom I ask every week if we could set up some time to talk and she'll say, sure, I'll give you a call this week, and the entire week goes by and I don't hear from her.  I get it, things come up, people get busy, but it's not just X and it's not just this one thing, it's literally every aspect of my life I have no one.  

I have no emergency contact.  I have no next of kin.  When I had a breast cancer scare, I had to advocate for myself, and take myself to all my appointments, and hold my own hand.  Be strong for myself.  I did it again when I had surgery.  Yes, X and X are there when I need, so when the surgeon said I wasn't allowed to call an uber to take me home, it HAD to be someone I knew, I literally had no one else to ask if X and X couldn't help me.  

I've lived here over 10 years and I haven't been able to maintain a friendship with ANYONE.  I get it, making friends is hard, but I have no options if I want to go to brunch with other people.  Or if I'm struggling with something and could use someone else's perspective? I have no one else to ask but myself.  If I have a really hard day and could just use a hug? I can't remember the last time anyone touched me....sometimes I just crave being held, like the core of my being is so empty and I need SOMETHING to fill it.  

I don't feel this way because I'm depressed, and when I learn to love myself I won't feel this way...these are just facts.  I've fought against it my entire life.  You could argue that it's my negative reel telling me I'm alone...but I am alone.  Yes, I'm doing everything I can to change that, but it still takes time.  So while my neighbor across the hall and I have had tea a few times, even cooked a dinner together, when she invites people over she doesn't ever text me and ask me to come on over to meet other people.  which is fine! But at the same time, it's really hard to sit alone in my house and hear the laughter and the talking...

and really, the only things I do socially is because I invite myself to them.  I can't remember the last time someone invited me out...again, semantically, I don't want to stray too far off the point to have you explain to me I shouldn't take these things personally, I don't.  Tonight, I was excluded from team dinners at work, because I'm (just) support staff, so I could have felt bad to be excluded, I took myself out to my favorite restaurant, and didn't care I was there by myself, I savored that meal! Then I came back to the hotel and forced myself to be social and ended up making two new work friends AND get the ear of leaders who respect me for all the work I do - all while X acts like X and tries to get under my skin. 
 
But even this night...I have no one to share it with, no one to tell, "hey, I had a great day!" I don't have that. People say "you don't have that yet" My point I was trying to make the other night, I've never experienced it.  And sometimes, I need to grieve that.  

keep up the good work, EA,  eventually something will click for you, i have no doubt. 

by the by, those 'inspirational' phrases and pep talks never helped me, either.  trauma doesn't work in a straight line.  love and hugs :hug:

I feel really lost.  Scared.  My entire life revolves around the same themes.  The same invalidation.  The same feelings and I don't know what to do with them or about them.  The feeling that things have been THIS BAD for so long...and would they not be this bad if I were somehow...not me.  Like the me I am has some fundamental flaw. One that everyone senses and recoils from subconsciously. 

I found something I wrote years ago and it really makes me feel incredibly defeated.  Like none of it MEANS anything and it all points to - there's something wrong with you that you need to fix.  This is societies message to me my entire life - you don't fit in, you aren't like us, there is no space for you here.  And as I live through - yet again - this great loss of being stripped of all the fragile things that are held in place to give me the illusion of security, I am once again adrift with nothing but the knowledge that I've made it this far...and my body and mind have now given up, because it's been too long, the fight has been too hard and I've nothing to show for it.  Sure it sounds like a lot of things it's not, but it's that I want to really discuss this and find validation.  And how am I supposed to give that to myself?  Meanwhile, I'm being an incredibly selfish person by focusing solely on what I need and forgetting how to show up for someone else, because no one is showing up for me and I'm too needy right now. 

Is it something in my nature to be treated like I have been and what do I do to break out of the cycle?
So fried, can't form a coherent thought.

Everything will be fine in the end, if it's not fine, then it's not the end.

Slow down and come to terms with what's really important to you
-> Learn to let go of the things that bother you.
-> My weakness is my lack of belief in myself
-> not confident enough - find some sense of ideology that will help build up your own self-confidence
-> Check biorhythms

What makes me happy? Being with friends, good food.

Lack of communication REALLY bothers me

Sweet angel who has lost her wings

It was a nightmare, why did I stay so long?

My entire life has been one where people tell me if I weren't "this way" maybe things wouldn't be so hard. 

By remaining static and not changing the pattern of behavior you repeat the old patterns repeatedly.  It is important to re-evaluate whether a learned behavior is really working for you or is keeping you in homeostasis.

There is a reason why you keep getting stuck and unable to move forward - when you continue to repeat a bad pattern, you are doing it for a reason.  You must find the reason in order to change the behavior. 

Some of the behavior patterns that you learned in life become automatic.  You don't think about the response or eevaluate the cause and effect - just on autopilot. 

EA, i think reframing can be a good thing for many things, but i'm not sure it works for all things.  how do you reframe something you haven't experienced?  maybe it's the 'non-experience' that could possibly be reframed.  for ex., if i wasn't allowed to have boundaries as a child, maybe not having boundaries can be reframed as something to be learned.  not having been allowed boundaries gives me a stepping stone to knowing what is and isn't good for me.  just a thought.

you are feeling lost and scared right now, and i get it.  this stuff can be smothering, overwhelming, and frightening.  keep at it, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

The same themes do keep coming up with PTSD. We try to master them subconsciously, but honestly that doesn't seem to work that well as we keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. I was doing that at work and didn't see it till I quit my job. I still don't know how to fix it but at least I see it  I kept recreating the scene and trying to get things to be different but I was just setting up everything to be the same and retraumatizing myself on repeat. It is a normal trauma thing though. It's what we survivors do until we see the pattern and can disrupt it.

We also feel broken and different. That's protective. It helps us blame ourselves.

Keep working it through with your therapist. Over time there will be tiny cracks that eventually lead to slow seismic shifts and eventually to connection with yourself and others. You are not wrong. Wrong things happened but you as a person are not wrong or defective. But our systems get all haywire from the trauma and it takes a long time and hard skilled work to rewire in a way that helps us instead of continuing the harm.

Hi EerieAnne,

I'm afraid my last reply to you may have come across as lecture-y or something. But I just wanted to see how are you feeling today?

We know from the condition known as body dysmorphia that it's no use telling someone who feels they are disgusting that they are in fact very nice looking.

We need to help them understand how they grew to hate themselves so much and show them, via a friendship, that there could be another way of relating to who they are. We have some hints about how our minds work from the way we acquire language: children fluently pick up incredibly complex patterns of speech from listening to those around them in the early years. A parallel emotional process is going on. If someone when we were little was speaking hate, and shame and guilt to us, we will have started to speak like that to ourselves - and it won't be easy, in adulthood, to learn a new language, let alone to come to speak it fluently to ourselves.

Telling someone mired in self-hatred to 'cheer up' or 'like themselves a bit more' is going to be as impatient as telling someone from England to 'just speak Bulgarian'. It's going to take time and a lot of training. Nevertheless, if we want to think about what an ambitious project for humanity would look like, it would be a giant program of learning to replace the internalized languages of hate and enmity with those of love and compassion. We've trying to do this for a couple of millenia at least. But we've done a pretty poor job of it so far - and the project feels more urgent than ever. We might start today, by speaking a few stumbling phrases of love to the self-hating part of ourselves and to someone we know near us who is perhaps right now mired in shame and inadequacy.

How else might we get by, given how many possibilities have been closed to us? How could we fertilize the dung heap we are on? Our challenge is to learn to rebuild our futures intelligently  and creatively on the ruins of our old lives.

amen, EA  love and hugs :hug:

I keep wanting to start over...re-read what I've expressed so far and organize it.  I want to take the time to be thoughtful and respond to all the responses I've received...I just feel like it's all too much and I haven't even STARTED.  My brain is protecting me because I'm so afraid this dam will burst and all this pain will flood out...not in a cathartic release, but in the overwhelming agony of experiencing these feelings my entire life and NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. 

There were times when I was a teenager, the pain I felt was so overwhelming, I would try to describe it, it's like my head was filled with cotton, like when you open up a pill bottle for the first time, you break the seal and pull out all that cotton...I couldn't understand things THEN, and I have the same brain NOW, so what's changed? I still have the same level of being understood and having support as I did then - which is minimal...I keep convincing myself this time is different, I have this journal...it's not years and years of journaling the same thing and being trapped in an echo chamber, and yet I can't seem to just sit down and deal with the things I need to deal with so I can PRESENT them to someone else. It's still all trapped in my brain and I keep distracting myself with things I am convinced are "doing the work" when I know it's just avoidance.  I know me too well, and I'm so tired of everyone's echoes of things that have been said to me over the years getting in the way. I'm tired of it all, I'm tired of everything, I'm tired of feeling it's always been this way and now magically something is supposed to be different - when I'm not different and I haven't developed any tools that make me approach the situation differently. 

I mean it's great, I finally have justification I was right all along, and I'm smarter than everyone around me...but no one cares and so it's like NOW WHAT? What do I DO to get out of this cycle?  I've been asking this question for 20+ years and it's so hard to keep hopeful and keep trusting when that has only led to more pain and isolation.  So I spend time venting and getting stuff out instead of focusing on what it is I really WANT to be doing, and I am not sure what that is.  I think I do, but it may just be more wasted time focusing on validation and justification.  Unsure.

Relational Trauma and Developmental Trauma relate a lot.  But not ALL of it, and I wonder if it's a form of confirmation bias I'm experiencing.  I'm spending too much energy trying to convince people (imaginary people in my own head) that SEE?? SEE??? And see what?  Ok...what's the NEXT step?

...ongoing stress (misattunement) without proper reattunement deeply disrupts an infant's ability to experience being in the center – being attuned to. Infants, toddlers, and children who experience this disruption on an ongoing basis grow physically (although even physical growth can be stunted). But emotionally, the foundations for forming relationships, feeling safe and at rest in the world, and self-regulation are deeply damaged...without a foundation in attunement, and the sense of ongoing secure footing in the world it provides, the higher-order functions (logic, concentration, retention and ability to respond and not react) that follow develop above these missing steps.

Children who do not frequently experience attunement are unable to form secure attachments (stable relationships). This applies not only to others but also to being able to be attuned to themselves, and to their own needs.

Inability to attune to self and others is a precursor, of course, to a variety of destructive symptoms. Underlying many, if not all, of these is the perception of survivors that relationships are not predictable or safe or that life itself is not safe. Beneath the chaos and struggle that often seem to churn around these individuals is a determined effort to connect with others in the only way they know how — reactive engagement.

Maybe this is why journaling has never worked for me...all of the healing I'm doing is still in isolation, without getting my social needs met, my need for engagement...I don't know.

Someone recently suggested I'm experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul....isn't it great if we look for an explanation for our situation hard enough something will present itself?

It's as if we are doing everything we can to stay afloat, and it seems as if the universe, the world, and life is against us.  The dark night of the soul is more localized to feeling distressed and disoriented in our relationship with the bigger meaning to life. It affects one's worldview, beliefs, perspective, habits, thoughts, and relationships.  It's an existential crisis due to intense pain caused by outside disruption you have no control over. This could be, but is not limited to, the death of a loved one, extreme poverty, an illness, betrayal, injustice, abuse, job loss, and so on.  You may feel as if life, and specifically the life you've been living, is meaningless during this stage.  Think of the journey through the dark night as an inverted bell curve—rather than peaking high up in the middle, this journey leads you down, down, down to the depths.

You may become emotionally numb, lose friends and family, isolate, and/or numb through addictions during this time. Often in this phase, family and friends abandon us. This phase turns into the darkest hours of our life, but it will also teach us a valuable lesson if we are open to receive it.

I feel like I've been here countless times before, but I never get to the "valuable lesson" :(

This stage can include physical symptoms of stress such as headaches, nausea, and body aches, and even psychological and emotional manifestations. 

The dark night of the soul will accentuate what you need to release or otherwise transform. Um, I'm still not clear on what I need to release and transform, other than EVERY facet of my being....sigh. Burn it all down and start again like a phoenix rising from the ashes? 

If you are someone who likes to be in control of things and fight the direction the universe presents to you, you may end up facing the same situations over and over again, until you learn the lesson and align with your ultimate purpose - see, again, I don't know how to be in control of things, everything seems to just happen TO me, and I'm buffeted around, not knowing how to stand up to this constant feeling of being beat down by things outside of my control.  I feel I AM open to learn these lessons, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning, yet the same situations happen over and over...this isn't the first time I've felt like this, in fact, I've felt like this so long I can't remember a time when I haven't felt this way...so what do I DO with it now to get a different outcome and to actually get out of it this time??

Hi Eerie Anne  :wave:

I can so relate to your post (s).  I'm certain that my response here is nothing new to you.  Your post however brings these thoughts to me which is helping me further process what is happening to me or has happened to me.      In fact I have often asked myself what am I doing wrong that the same situations keep happening all the time for what seems like an eternity?  Am I doing the same things over and over again expecting different results? I definitely would prefer different results.  As I wrote this my thought is, well yes the same things are happening over and over again because my response remains the same as well.   I have CPTSD (+ more) and I have not YET been able to change my response/reaction, especially when I am triggered.   My body, my mind, my whole being is lost in this quagmire called CPTSD, so yes I respond the same until I learn the "lesson" or my wiring is fixed.  For myself I don't have much hope in being fixed.  For others I have hope though!

Thank you for your post - not sure if my post makes any sense at all  but this is my attempt at sharing the burdens and to say I hear you, I stand with you and for you.

:hug: to you if your okay with it, if not please disregard. 

 :hug:

@Moondance - thank you so much, your post made perfect sense...I appreciate you *hug*

@Armee thank you for the etiquette tip about messages - I can try to respond to people here...It's still a bit of an adjustment for me navigating this forum, thank you!

I will go back and add more acknowledgement once I get through a backlog of stuff that's been trying to get out lately :)   

Hi EA, that's only my own personal thing, I don't think it's universal across the forum. I just personally don't do the PMs because of a past experience, and trauma.  :hug:

Reading this brought up a lot of feels and I was just going to delete it, but I decided to sit with them a bit instead.  So here's what comes up when I read this:

discovering the root cause of what has been keeping you stuck - yes, I'm chronically isolated and cannot solve my own problems with only MY OWN THINKING to solve them - which I brought up to them once, and they were like, yes, we are using that theme in our next newsletter! No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.

My consciousness created this situation from learned behavior and treatment from everyone else around me, yet somehow with not ever experiencing ANYTHING DIFFERENT, I'm just supposed to heal? Wow.  Thanks.  Ok...what else do you got?

you are still looking for more understanding, new tools, and a community of like-minded people to help support you as you continue your growth journey. - yep, right again, it's like these people KNOW me...I DO want more understanding, because none of this makes sense, how am I just supposed to learn something new in a vacuum? How am I supposed to change my thinking when this is all I've ever experienced, I have tried every tool I have and nothing is working....YES I need a community of like-minded people to help support me.

So I would go to them, week after week, assuming they were my community, these were my people, this was my village.  And man, it HURT to be invalidated and rejected by them.  By the people I thought were my friends, but also by these people who...I supported, and even though I KNEW our relationship wasn't equivalent, they were at least empathetic people that would show up for me - after all, this was my village, right? 

So now, they did me this hugest favor, because if they had shown up for me, I would still be stuck, thinking this is what friendship is.  Getting texts that say, "hang in there" when my life is falling apart and "you are enough" when I feel desperately alone.  Sending me a belated holiday card to show me how full your own life is, after I tell you how empty my own is.  All these women are doing is finding a way to market my vulnerabilities, under the guise of a "growth journey" like pretty much everyone else out there.  But when I really showed up and said, oh, I'm super needy, I need my community support - they let me know loud and clear I wasn't it.  And I don't want to waste my energy on these people.  So I'm letting go of limiting beliefs people that no longer serve me.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In this aspect of your life, you are in the middle of your personal growth journey.

You have done the foundational work of looking inside yourself and discovering the root cause of what has been keeping you stuck.
You have experienced shifts in your perspective, which have created space for you to let go of limiting beliefs that no longer serve you.
You have discovered healing tools that work for you but you are still looking for more understanding, new tools, and a community of like-minded people to help support you as you continue your growth journey.
Foundational work is really challenging so make sure you give yourself the credit you deserve. Bravo!

With that said, there are times that you find yourself falling back into old patterns, especially when unexpected stressful circumstances arise.

You have experienced enough positive change in your life to know that showing up for yourself consistently, and creating new healthier habits allows you to live a life with more joy and ease.
You are starting to experience the deeper and richer version of yourself, but still have hesitancy to fully embrace it and let it shine.
At this point in your personal growth journey, you are looking for ways to experience the positive changes in your life on a more consistent basis. You know that the hard work has been worth it, even if you find yourself falling back onto comfortable old habits more than you'd like to admit. You know enough now that you want to continue investing into the newer version of yourself.

We are excited to have you here in our XXX community.

You are ready to continue your personal growth journey by transitioning from awareness to behavior changes. You ready to creating actionable steps to get you closer to where you want to be.

According to your answers we suggest the small steps package to match your current lifestyle and where you are on your personal growth journey.

24/7 access to video library

early access to events + workshops

monthly newsletter guiding you forward

Not sure what everyone's beliefs are regarding Tarot cards, I understand some have issues with it so content warning :)


...embody our future selves in order to shorten the gap between the starting point and our desired goals.

Imagine that you are already your most successful self and in the place where you want to be, with all the positive habits and routines that you've developed. Treat yourself the way you would if you were already happy with where you are. Now emulate those helpful habits and routines in your daily life. Perhaps this version of you takes daily vitamins, meal preps, reads half an hour before going to bed every day, and to her favorite music. It is time to start acting as this version of you and follow your own roadway to the success that this version of you already has.

Write a kindly letter from your Future Self to the current you, so that you can read it whenever you falter or whenever you need a word of encouragement.
This...I still don't no how to do.  I'm too busy apologizing to my inner child. 

This version of you is so compassionate towards you and wants the very best for you.

The Hierophant also calls us to release the attachments that obstruct our path and get in the way of communication with the divine and our future self. We want to become a clean slate, an open cup for divinity to fill and speak to us. Then we can more readily transmit divinity message to us. This is how we can awaken to the power of the divine and our passion for conveying its message. Even if we don't feel like we know it all (in truth,  we never do), we may also step up to teach if a student comes our way or if we feel called to do so. Do not doubt the wisdom you have gained from experiences.

In my search to find something that makes sense, something I can use to get out of this cycle, my algorithm on YouTube suggests a ton of stuff for C-PTSD but none of it really fits...me.  I'm so confused, because I read all the comments and everyone is like, "Yes! Exactly!" and I'm like...no...that's not it.  Which triggers all the therapists who have gotten defensive with me when I've told them what they are trying isn't working and they just tell me I'm being resistant.  And all the times I've felt this is all there is...so there is this 1.5 hour long video that was suggested to me this morning: LONELINESS, Isolation are Common Signs of Trauma That Need HEALING - by Anna Runkle, the crappy childhood family.  And she starts out, "do you keep losing friends but you don't know why? If you were abused or neglected in childhood...complex PTSD at its heart it's an injury to your ability to connect with other people...to feel as adults that we are somehow not quite part of things, do you have this or you feel like you're on the outside of groups?" Yes.  So I listen on.

"...we need people we need them on a practical level and we need relationships if we're going to start healing the wounds of trauma which are largely relational wounds they affect your nervous system but they were caused by what happened between you and other people you know...so the healing needs to happen before you have social relationships but it needs to happen within social relationships the little interactions is where you get to practice what you're learning and where you get nourished emotionally even though sometimes there's pain involved..."

But then she starts in saying how avoiding the pain, self isolating, withdrawing from others...and I'm not doing ANY of that.  She warns, "...[isolated people] get more self-centered they get more bitter they get more paranoid and then it gets harder to turn the ship like back towards connection again because you've gotten too eccentric too awkward" and I'm terrified this is what's going to happen to me.

People no longer seem real to me.  You are all just words on a screen, I don't remember what human touch feels like...I have to pay a massage therapist $120 just to feel connected to someone for 50 minutes.  I have to pay my therapist god knows how much just to have someone to talk to for one hour.  This is NOT something I'm CHOOSING. 

I already feel so defeated.  This is the message I keep getting...feel isolated? Go volunteer. Have gratitude.  Put your own needs aside, be there for others.  No one understands what it's like to constantly put yourself out there and get nothing back, while at the same time being viewed by others as "this is a CHOICE I am making".  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Notes from a book I read called You Are Psychic:

Your self-esteem can be influenced by the way other people think and feel about you, or even how these other people think about themselves.

Our self-esteem is very closely tied to how other people perceive us or how we think they perceive us, as well as the energy that they send (and that we accept).

When others have an image of you, which may be totally unrelated to who you really are, but it resonates with energy already in your aura it decreases your self-esteem.

Working through...there is going to be a period of adjustment, referred to as a growth period. During this period, all kinds of emotions, possibly conflicting ones, may arise, and it can feel very unsettling because you will have just discarded what you previously thought was you, but was really just a bunch of past time perceptions, ideas, and emotions. For a while you may find yourself hanging in mid air, not knowing where you will land or even who you are. You may also experience grief for all the time you wasted being caught up in those silly pictures. Just remember to go easy on yourself.

Your success or failure may have been directly proportional to the receptivity and accompanying energy of your audience. The energy of nervousness and anxiety is not only contagious, it also has a snowball effect, so you may actually be a confident public speaker but when surrounded by others experiencing stage right, you might match their fear and have a much harder time delivering your speech.

All information is filtered through a persons life experiences, emotions, personality, biases and MEI pictures.

If you see a certain symptom, the last thing you want to do is impose a preconceived interpretation on it. Instead, ask questions to try to understand the context behind what the person is experiencing. You must turn down and get out of your analytical, logical mind in order to see what is in front of you.

There are only so many projects, relationships, responsibilities and problems we can handle before our system start to malfunction through physical, mental or emotional illness.

Expressing yourself is undesirable, irritating to others, or shameful, and as a result the fifth chakra will contract. By creating a safe environment where children are encouraged to appropriately expressed their feelings, children will maintain healthy chakras and be less vulnerable to physical ailments throughout their lives. They will also become more competent and confident communicators and public speakers.

Taking pills without addressing the spirits needs like putting Band-Aids on an amputated limb.

There is really no such thing as a problem; a problem is merely a cognitive definition of how someone is emotionally reacting to a certain situation. One person will label a certain situation or problem, while another will label it as a challenge, and another will think it's funny or exciting. Problem energy is stuck energy.

Struggles have more to do with differences in personalities, desires, and goals between well-intentioned parents and their children. All the crazy making around her, has much more to do with the dysfunction, blindness, or self-centeredness of her parents than the flaws within herself.  Parents are constantly projecting rules, expectations and judgments onto the child. The energy left behind these projections is so intrusive that the child may feel like, and therefore become, almost a totally different person when they are around their family versus when they are not. Your parents projections continue to persist far into adulthood, even when it is logically clear that they have nothing to do with reality.

Thank you Eireanne,

Your sharing brings up the following thoughts and feelings for me.  It may not be helpful to you as far as an answer to your question but hopefully there is a sense of caring can be shared in this exchange.

Yes, well I have been saying it's my choice to isolate  but I choose it because its too painful now to do much of anything else.  I'm too tired to keep trying after all the years of  efforts the abuse, the manipulations, the betrayals, the lies, etc, etc, and like you posted I think I am now very awkward in relationship. And even though I think of myself as a compassionate person I agree that I have felt very selfish and not part of and able to give much of anything to anyone because I feel completely depleted.  Is it because I need to heal some first before making an effort again?   And thinking that through, I still choose to isolate from the world as much as possible.  I am finding this forum helpful, though, by first relating so strongly that I must respond.  So, in a sense, forced to respond, so this is a good thing.  And 2nd, I am feeling supported by like minds.  This forum feels way more safe to me than unsafe; there are unspoken boundaries that are respected, and I really appreciate that because I have a hard time picking up cues that I need to set boundaries and once I figure it out that I need to set a boundary I find it difficult.  Even saying that makes me feel very vulnerable. 

I do understand and acknowledge you want more and I wish that for you so much.  I hope you keep at it, keep on searching for your answers. 

:hug: to you if accepted if not please disregard

Thank you again for sharing.

Dr. Nicole LePera "The Holistic Psychologist" often posts helpful things to LinkedIn, so I started following her to better understand my c-ptsd and how it shows up differently than other forms of trauma.  She seemed to "get it".  However, a lot of her posts bring up stuff for me, so I'm just going to spend some time reacting to them. 

https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/

Attracting honest people into your life requires you to do the same, even when it doesn't feel good. I can't say I agree with this, because I'm always honest, even when it gets me in trouble, and I don't seem to attract honest people to my life.

The pain from a friendship break up is real. We expect friendships to last forever. The ending is just as painful as romantic break ups we just don't talk about it. True - since I've only ever had one "romantic" relationship, I view every single one of my friendships as relationships and breaking up with people I thought were my friends is devastating.

Not everyone wants to get better. Some people do, but aren't ready for all the work it takes. Some people are very comfortable and predictable misery. Excepting this is part of maturing in life. This is so triggering.  My first huge bout of depression happened when I was still a teenager, and I remember my mom opening my bedroom door and asking, "How long are you planning on being miserable for?" To this day, I'm still here, curled up in bed, miserable.  This was NOT my plan.  I DO want to get better. I HAVE been doing everything everyone has told me, but I'm not GETTING ANYWHERE.  Nothing in my life is changing, no matter how much people keep telling me "they can really see how I've grown"  What are they seeing? Because I'm still losing everything and not being supported by anyone.

Children who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents have to earn love or approval. They're conditioned to believe it's normal to put everyone before themselves. In healthy relationships, there's reciprocity. People enrich others lives. They feel supported and like equals. They don't expect another person to do for them what they can do for themselves. I think a lot of people assume what I can do from myself and accuse me of being co-dependent when I ask for help.  They don't have the frame of reference that the things they are assuming I can manage I've never actually experienced.  It's literally like asking their child to do it and wondering why I'm not more successful, then abandoning me when I can't figure it out alone.

As a child, what role did I have with my parents? 
Was I their therapist? yes.
Did I help them manage marriage or financial issues? not finances, but I was often their mediator
Did I hide my feelings? No, I told them how I felt all the time and was accused of being too sensitive, too emotional, too needy, too dramatic
Did they meet my needs? They didn't even know what my needs were.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Intentionally punishing someone with removal of love is a coping mechanism of emotionally immature people. It says when you do some thing I don't like, I deny your very existence. That's what my mom did the last time I saw her. She literally ran from me because I said something she didn't want to hear, then hid behind a row of parked cars until I gave up and left her alone.

Signs were raised by a father who had unresolved trauma - he over shared intimate details of situations. YesHe struggled to show any physical affection or have any emotional vulnerable conversations Yes. He unconsciously shamed you for showing certain emotions. Yes - and consciouslyHe regularly mocked or teased you as a way to show affection. Yes  I grew up thinking my dad hated me.  He told other people he was proud of me, but never me.  He would cringe if I asked to give him a hug and would say, "quick, let's get it over with"

Unresolved trauma or attachment wounding reveals itself most in romantic relationships. Lots of people feel fine alone (I don't feel fine), or great with close friends (I don't have close friends) then they get in a romantic relationship and all their wounds show up. All my wounds are showing up ALL THE TIME). 

They can't have a conversation without an explosion or shutting down. I often get louder when I feel like I'm not being heard.  It's like this unconscious assumption that I am not being heard because I'm not speaking up.  A lot of people accuse me of being "too quiet" and I often have to repeat myself - constantly.  So when I say a thing and I'm disregarded, I say the same thing over and over again until the point I'm screaming it and still not getting the response I need - then I shut down.

They appease their partner and don't voice their issues because they fear being abandoned. Yes, I often appease my abuser and attempt to not create conflict because it means the friendship will end if I try to set a boundary, or ask for something they've promised.  Every time I would fight with my abusive ex, he would leave the house and come back hours later as if nothing ever happened, and I'd be in the same or worse mindstate just waiting to continue the conversation, not understanding why my needs weren't being met

These wounds show up so we can have the courage to look at them and learn to respond in new ways What are these new ways??, so that we can finally healed destructive patterns, and rebuild self trust. These wounds show up so we can learn there are safe people who actually do have our back. Who are these safe people??

Successful relationships aren't about healed people coming together to have the perfect relationship.
Unhealed people - learning to love out of survival mode. Their nervous system's finding peace and sharing space with each other. Not expecting perfection, but instead honoring each others humaness. Lifting each other up and encouraging each other to try again. How to be silly, how to have fun together,  learning to play. Creating a safe space for freedom and mutual evolution. Learning to see the best in each other and themselves, having the courage to show the parts of themselves they usually hide, forgiving themselves and each other over and over again, learning how to ask for help, accept help, and build security, crying together on the kitchen floor as they repair after conflict, bringing out the best in each other through bringing out the best in themselves.

Idealize relationships where you see mutual respect, admiration, and underneath it all true friendship. Relationships where you see people committed to supporting the best versions of each other, where people have hit rock bottom, then talked it out, repaired, and rebuild a relationship of trust.

There is no greater feeling than re-creating yourself. Especially if you've never learned healthy love, or didn't have the best examples of how to navigate life. Nobody but you knows how hard it was to pull yourself up from emotional rock-bottom. Those lessons made you who you are, and no one can take them away from you.

Finding a stable love when all you knew growing up was chaos is one of the most under recognized achievements. Love you can count on, the love you wake up in the middle of the night to laugh with, the love that feels like home should have always felt.

My parents are human beings with their own unresolved trauma and beliefs about their self-worth. I don't need them to acknowledge trauma to heal it.

What I'm going through right now – recognizing that most of my life, I've been conditioned to be unheard/not validated and I'm doing the work on my own that everyone I "trusted" should have done for me.  I have a lot of resentment/grief over this, especially as I do the work alone and I read that the only way to do the work is to have support*.

As I learn something for myself, I need to see if I understand it by being able to explain it to someone else.  Not having anyone willing to be the sounding board for me to explain has been rough and has delayed my progress (again resentment/grief).

I look at things as being on a spectrum...and forgive me, because I struggle to articulate this, but everything can be on one end or the other depending on several factors, one being a place of scarcity or abundance. 

For example, being a Highly Sensitive Person can be a gift.  This person is observant, they think deeper, consider more, are naturally empathic and compassionate.  When allowed to thrive (abundance) their insight can be a valuable and much needed tool. It is a "good" trait and a benefit.

Take that same trait and don't allow it to thrive, and it turns into a Sensory Processing Disorder.  The individual cannot make sense of the world, in ANY sense - there are short circuits involving feeling, thoughts, the environment around them overstimulates them.  It is now a "bad" trait and a hinderance.

For me personally, my c-ptsd traits were a benefit in the workplace.  Hypervigilance meant I didn't drop balls, I met deadlines, I anticipated people's needs, I went above and beyond to ensure I dotted every i and crossed every t because there was no room for error...even though it was unsustainable. 

Me dealing with a narcissist was easy, because I knew how to navigate that relationship - I've done it my whole life.  Everyone told me how great it was that I could "manage" even as I kept telling them I wasn't managing. 

Only, as things progressed, I felt things were moving down the spectrum from "asset" to "disability".  And since it's not black and white and there are sooo many factors that complicate this issue and make it not straightforward, it's just...too messy for me to navigate on my own.  The duality of all things being true, all perspectives having validity...to finding where MY truth is and presenting it in a way that doesn't make me sound like a victim, or that this is my own fault.  I've never had another person help me to hold strong to the belief that I can remain in that empowered place of abundance where I need to be in all of this.

 :hug:

I wish there was something i could do to ease the pain. It is painful to not have your needs met by your parents. I'm so sorry you went through all of that. And it isn't fair to be expected to reparent our attachment wounds and the other damage done to our development when we were never given the tools. It really sucks. It's possible, it's slow. The only person I've found to have the capacity to do this with me is a good therapist.

You do have a lot of strengths but you are right without the nurturing or healing we get to our breaking points.

Sending support.

Data from our senses (eyes, ears, touch, etc.) enters the brain through the thalamus, which relays impulses to other parts of the brain, including the amygdala, which is like a filing cabinet that stores our memories of emotional experiences in life and triggers our "flight, fight or freeze" responses to new life experiences.
Due to small differences in the distances to be traveled, impulses arrive at the amygdala a few nanoseconds before they get to the neocortex. If the sensory data triggers an intense emotional memory in the amygdala, those emotions can trigger an impulsive reaction, essentially hijacking our mouth or body before we are able to rationally process the information. when the amygdala is highly stimulated with intense emotions, it utilizes more blood and oxygen than normal, leaving less of both for the neocortex. This deficit causes a corresponding decrease in our capacity for reasoning, problem solving, and impulse control.
•   AD – Affective dysregulation (heightened/flattened anger, sadness, joy)
•   NSC – Negative self-concept (shame, critical of self/others; feelings of inferiority)
•   DR – Disturbed relationships (difficulty with intimacy; a tendency to isolate; feeling different that others; social anxiety)

In the case of Complex PTSD then one's sense of safety in the world and sense of self are affected. As such, it understandable that different treatment is required for Complex PTSD than for PTSD.

The amygdala shuts down your prefrontal cortex's normal reasoning process in order to take over a certain situation. Your thinking brain gets paralyzed, which means your IQ drops, we lose the ability to make complex decisions, we no longer see other perspectives and our memory becomes compromised.

Only, the symptoms aren't preventing my words, my lack of words are causing the symptoms, so when I don't have the words and you focus on my symptoms, you aren't providing the help I need. 

If we stay in activation state for extended periods, our body goes into dorsal vagal shut down. This is a protection mode because the mind can no longer be in the present moment. This is called disassociation.  Disassociation allows us to function seemingly normally. But we also struggle to form memories or connect with people around us because we've left the body. Children who begin patterns of disassociation will continue to disassociate as adults anytime they are in a situation that triggers their core wounding. This means we might feel threatened even in the absence of real danger. For example: a boss makes a critical comment, you meet someone very similar to an abusive parent, or you're put on the spot when you didn't expect it. This is what the body keeps the score means. The body sees these experiences as a threat to survival honor of autonomic nervous system disassociate to protect us. When this happens we don't remember what happened and we feel foggy or confused.

I don't feel I disassociate.  I do know I tend to try to tell a story from an outsider perspective, I don't modulate my voice, but I don't feel it's disassociating. 
 
Analysis paralysis is a protective mode. Why would we go into protective mode when we're doing something that's good for us? Because the brain doesn't care about what's good for us. The brain is about conserving energy and keeping us within our familiar patterns. Our familiar patterns feel safe to our brain. Even those patterns that are making us miserable. Our brain hears everything is going to change at once. This is too much, we are in danger because I can't predict this. Next, our nervous system becomes activated and we go into freeze mode these are mobilization or immobilization states. We have to work with our mind and body, not against it. We need to get into a social engagement zone, where our nervous system is regulated. In this state, we can move freely, our breathing is slow, And we feel confident. We do this by making small promises to ourselves every day.

People who grew up with chronically impatient parents become terrified of making mistakes. Or of taking any action at all. They internalize the belief that they must be perfect.

This becomes adult procrastination or "analysis paralysis."

The body remembers being hurried and rushed at a time when we needed to be soothed and encouraged.

Parents of past generations had almost zero emotional education. No guidance for how they needed to help their children self regulate, to help them through their pain, and how to meet their emotional needs.

Of course the end result is generational trauma.

Parents do they best they can with what they know....

My basic needs to set boundaries and say no have been ignored at work, triggering reactions from my wounded self.

The pandemic also brought into stark focus that I wasn't in anyone's inner circle.  This was the most painful revelation.  Everyone was creating a bubble, and I didn't have one.  I'd stare out the window and ache for something I couldn't put into words.  The people I consider to be my circle, I'd reach out to, but they would be busy. And again, my C-PTSD would tell me to make myself small.

Hack #1 — Name the Emotion
The simple act of recognizing and naming what we're feeling is enough to shift us back into our thinking brain because it requires us to pause, analyze and use language — all skills of the prefrontal cortex. Just saying "I am so mad," is enough to make the feeling less intense and bring you back to a more rational mindset.

Hack #2 — Change the Setting
Similar to naming your emotions, by getting up to move around, you automatically start to consider your surroundings, which reactivates the thinking parts of your brain that got shut down.

Hack #3 — Do a Quick Math Problem
Taking counting to 10 one step further, doing a simple math problem in your head not only requires you to jumpstart your rational thinking, it can also momentarily distract you from the issue causing your emotional response.

Hack #4 — Share the Mental Load
In a study about social support, researchers found that if a person hikes up a hill with another person, they perceive the hill to be less steep than when hiked alone. The same can happen with emotions.

When we share our feelings with a trusted friend or partner, we can actually split the mental load in half and help our brain to feel less threatened.

I feel a sense of rejection when I reach out to you and you don't have time for me.  I wonder if it's something I did wrong. I think of all the work I have been doing on my own, and how far I've come but where I get stuck. I crave that human interaction, and ask for it in a variety of different ways but nothing I ask for seems to work, and so I assume I'm being too needy, and that's making people want to be with me less, that I can't work through the trauma of the things I'm dealing with, so when I put them aside and focus on the other person, people tell me how far I've come, how much I've grown, I get the reinforcement that people only like me when I don't have problems.  When I do confide in someone that I have problems their first thought is to tell me to talk to someone.  But talking is what I don't have.  And then I get caught into a loop because there's just so much to unpack. 

People suggest things that make me feel I'm not explaining myself correctly enough, that I need to provide more context and then they are overwhelmed with hearing my stories and tell me they are not my therapist. 

Something I wrote last year: I feel like doctors, therapists especially, withhold knowledge that is necessary for my comprehension.  As if everyone is sitting back waiting for me to figure it out, as it's obvious to them.  like when you watch a tv show and the main character has a dilemma and it's clear what they should have done, why aren't they just doing the obvious?

When you factor in my financial insecurity, and the fact that I paid double rent, utilities, taxes, hit rock bottom, panicked and yesterday was the first of the month so I just had to pay rent again, not to mention the things I need to buy for my new house so I can feel like I can stop panicking (microwave, desk, shelves...all going to cost $$) I can't stop freaking out about how my life choices led me here.  How angry I am that I ended up like my mother and I'm some lonely spinster who people are only nice to because they feel bad for me, because I'm so effing pathetic and miserable no wonder I'm alone and it won't stop.

Aside from the financial burden I'm terrified about I feel like I have to have a well thought out...elevator speech? Of what I have tried and why it doesn't work for me, what I believe to be my disabilities are and why I believe CBT doesn't work, and how it's not me NOT being open minded or willing to give someone a chance if I want to NOT waste weeks and $$$ to determine if someone is going to be a good fit, I need to be able to say, THIS is what I'm looking for in a therapist and what I'm not looking for, where do you fall in line with my needs?? And I haven't been able to put my fears into words for a consultation.  All I keep thinking about is that movie, As Good as it Gets and maybe I'm just beyond help and that's why everyone has given up on me.

I don't believe you are beyond help, EA. But you do need a therapist who will do more than CBT. That alone does not fix trauma and can make it feel worse. I'd probably try looking for someone who works with attachment trauma or developmental trauma and who uses several different types of therapy tools, not just cbt or just dbt or just emdr. Etc.

Your needs are important Eireanne.

I hear you and can so relate.

Safe virtual  :hug: for you.

I think on some level I've always associated with being an HSP, and I may have already posted this here but once I do take the time to read through my posts, I'll see if I did or not and delete it if it's a duplicate:

Born with a biological trait that gives them a finely tuned nervous system, this unique nervous system is more responsive to environmental stimuli so they process information deeply, feel more deeply and perceive the sights and sounds of the world in a much more amplified way.  A highly sensitive person's nervous system is unable to filter the stimuli like non-hsps - they tend to become easily aroused and overstimulated by what others may experience as normal.  Being a hsp and working eight hours a day in a busy office with a lot of sensory stimuli - this would easily lead the hsp to cognitive fatigue by the end of the day or being in a group with a lot of rich sensory stimuli.

For example: being in a group with multiple conversations whilst children playing in the background and having the tv on - the highly sensitive person experiences a sensory shutdown when there is too much sensory information coming through, this is why highly sensitive people reach their threshold for environmental stimuli much more quicker than non-hsps because of their natural biological height and central nervous system which is why most hsps tend to prefer solitude over crowds and thrive better in calm and peaceful environments.  Knowing the science and research behind high sensitivity can be beneficial to the hsp. 

It explains why so many hsps have deep empathy -having a highly active mirror neuron system gives the highly sensitive people the ability to pick up on what other people are thinking and feeling.

when a hsp reacts to both positive and negative experience
so the environment and lifestyle is very much important
whether the hsp is to thrive or become overwhelmed
because of the short short serotonin transporter that many hsps have

Something to let sink in...

Chronic deficits lead to set-point adaptations such that reintroduction to the previous optimum is experienced as a surplus.

Meaning - when I spend all day every day alone, with no human contact or interaction, my body/brain adjusts and considers this "normal" so ANY interaction above this can be "too much".  Which is why I can't stand to be in crowded stores, or in noisy places, or in big groups where everyone is talking.  It's NOT because I'm an introvert (although I very well MAY be) it's because I spent the majority of my life without human connection.   

i don't think you're beyond help either, EA.  It can be trying and daunting to find a therapist who will listen and respect your own knowledge and experience, but it's not necessarily impossible.  it took me a while, but i've finally found one, and it makes a world of difference.  but, as a therapist,   it's my job to tune into a client, ask the right questions, help the client figure out the answers. your job is to do the best you can.  keep taking care.  love and hugs :hug:

Yesterday I decided to start editing the anecdotal records I had started for the eventual heading back to work and dealing with HR.  I ended up not getting very far, because of all the stuff that came up.  I recognize that there are factors involved my brain thinks I need to get stuff out and part of it is not just writing a thing, feeling like I "got it out" then deleting it...because my feelings need to be honored, not dismissed...but they have no place in the stating of facts, so I started pulling out the worst of the trauma I was experiencing in the retelling:

...everything I want to say gets stuck and I try to research more but everything gets close and doesn't quite grasp exactly what I mean so I shut down.  I don't know how to say what I am trying to say, and in doing so become dysregulated. 

There is good in everything if you just learn how to reframe it.  My issue is, how can I reframe that which I've never experienced? If, as a child, my family was my entire universe then I was led to believe that that is just the way things are. I don't know there's an alternative because this is all I know. I don't know HOW to fight another way, I don't know how to express myself another way, I want those things modeled for me and I don't know where to find the answers I need. 

Think thoughts the size of the success you would like to have. This subtle element is fast and powerful. It will manifest in your life.

This is one of those times when I'm in crisis.  It's not one thing that sets it off.  It's a culmination of a steady stream of little things that build up over time until the dam bursts and I can no longer function.  I can't sleep...which not an accurate statement.  I can trick my brain into falling asleep, but I'll get in about 2-3 hours and suddenly my brain decides to start ruminating over the thing that's causing me trauma.  I don't even realize it, because it starts in my subconscious and can get pretty far into it before I even realize I'm awake.  And I don't know what to do with these thoughts, I have to get them out, I need to tell someone.  Only there's no one to tell. 

I want to text my friend and say, I really need someone to talk to...but there's no one to text. 

The people I know are not trauma informed, and while some of them mean well, they don't fathom the experience I'm being challenged with, to them it's an easy answer – sounds like a bad situation, why not just get your resume together and find another job? 

I was recently told by someone that when you say you're in an abusive situation, but you don't want to leave your abuser, people start thinking you're just acting like a victim...they are confused.  It's like you are being offered help, but you don't want to take it.

She doesn't know how desperately hard I've been trying to get out of my situation since September.  How I can't get myself out of survival mode long enough to handle an interview where I'm supposed to impress someone with my rock star skillset, when I can't even remember what my skills are because my symptoms of PTSD are currently out of control. 

I think of texting a friend again...I pick up my phone and hold it.  I look through all the people that have texted me recently, but I feel shame in asking them to talk to me...it makes them uncomfortable, because they've never been in my situation before, the waves of "I would never allow myself to be in this situation, why does she like being a victim so much" are in my head. 

...writing it now, even just trying to get it out brings up such dysregulation that when I tried to do it at work I can't even type, or think words, or be able to put into words...the sheer terror that I feel right now. So I went to HR and I asked, What accommodations can someone suffering from PTSD in the workplace ask for? Who do I ask for that? I'm too busy being in crisis, all I can do is explain to you my symptoms and how traumatic this is for me, and please someone help me get away from her, and they'd tell me, your job is safe - all you have to do is continue to make her happy. 

I can't tell what's real and what's perceived from the abuse I didn't have time to heal from.  I've been in constant survival mode since then and her unwillingness to compromise on communication style to at least make me...

I would ask, how do I ask for the accommodation that I want to feel psychologically safe, it's purely subjective, I don't understand, how do I find a trauma informed doctor?? and it's taken me months, of trying and not being able to communicate how dire of a situation I was in mentally, and I couldn't get a manager, or co-worker, or HR or even filing a previous...I can't it's too hard, now I won't be able to sleep, this takes so much out of me to be the only one, she kept me in such isolation, she didn't want me to have admin onboarding, I am convinced that the things I disclose will....Please, I do good work, I'm good at what I do, please just help me get out of this psychologically unsafe situation? and I feel like everyone I told just went back to her. and each time she found out about it she'd react in a way I realized I needed to remain hypervigilant.  to the point of exhaustion. 

That's a really traumatizing and retraumatizing situation, EAnne.
:grouphug:

 :yeahthat:  you sound overwhelmed.  maybe some of these pieces could be broken down and processed more slowly?  just a thought.  love and hugs :hug:

Thinking of you Erieanne  :hug:

@moondance - thank you *hugs*
@sanmagic7 - do you have any recommendations for how to process all of this?  This is barely just the tip of the iceberg of what comes up when I attempt to support myself.
@Armee - indeed - thank you

____________________________________________

More stuff that had come up as I attempted to write what happened at work:

My trauma is like trying to tell you a story but starting in the middle and then realizing I didn't start at the beginning, so I back up, and I try again, and I realize wait, I need to go even further back, and have to try again. And when I have a frame of reference like a television show, I can point to it and say, "look, this is what I'm trying to explain to you, I just don't have the words and the reason I don't have the words is because I would have to first have to first show you the science of what trauma is, so I'm laying the groundwork, pointing out the psychological and the triggers are happening in the workplace on a daily basis and the more I advocated for myself, the worse my symptoms got. 

Angry at my place of employment for not allowing me to create the conditions necessary for me to work on my trauma, but instead created an environment that exacerbated my conditions to the point I was in crisis?—

Unable to make conscious memories and I don't know if that's right but that's how it felt...I kept on attributing it to brain fog or some sort of cognitive issue or executive function but it's literally like I couldn't remember anything (even TV shows I was watching) I couldn't get out of my own head long enough because I was scared of everything for so long—

And I would push my brain further and further away because I had to get it right I had to figure out how to say it because I was running out of time and I wasn't getting better and then I was panicking and I was trapped in this loop and I kept on telling everyone I'm trapped in this loop I just don't know what to call it please help so I just I need to write down everything that happened with E and breathe and get it out and get it out and left a little bits and pieces and take breaks and you'll figure it out it'll be OK it will be OK--but it's not ok, and I don't know what to do by myself :(

I'm avoiding saying this because I'm afraid of saying it out loud... it's been a trauma, but guess what? I've been thinking about it for the past hour so I might as well just try to say it...and then I don't know where to start because I was in the middle...I trigger...my trauma is triggered by not having enough context and I can refer to the articles on autism and put it in there and the stuff about the EEOC about reasonable accommodation...is asking for communication style (which I asked repeatedly but it was not granted). I asked for accommodations so I could (focus on burn out) and those were not granted -

or is very very difficult for me to process information and get my thoughts under control this was exacerbated by...

I can't seem to communicate effectively with L, each time I try she places different emphasis on different values and does not interpret my ask, she is often dismissive as my inability to talk to her which brings out the anxious feelings because I am often misunderstood,

Sigh....I'm not trying to say (at work) that I am suffering trauma because of workplace abuse and institutional betrayal (which is true, but not what I'm trying to say)...what I've been trying to say is that I have a disability (that I disclosed in my new hire paperwork) that I've been asking for reasonable accommodations for, but they've repeatedly been denied until...it was too late?

I need help creating a narrative that assigns neutral connotations to a situation I am conditioned to view as negative. I can see both sides, but my awareness is what's creating the conflict preventing me from articulating my thoughts.

What I'm trying to say is those feelings caused my amygdala to be hijacked and so unintentionally L does this every time she talks to me. To the point that even thinking about her talking to me triggered this and I've been working under these mental conditions for the past three years, to the point I developed a disability. That I was not even aware of - I have been kept so isolated from the company, with all of my interactions being transactional. I started to develop symptoms of chronic loneliness. And how was I supposed to ask for accommodations for that?? To L?? Hahaha

I tried, so hard. To tell so many people, and no one would listen. I feel absolutely terrified and all I'm asking for is the accommodations I need to stop feeling like this, I'm not trying to say this is workplace abuse, even though I know it is. And I feel so helpless that I can't speak my truth but I also know it's because I can't separate out the emotion. 

hey, EA, one of the things my T does w/ me (do you have a trauma-informed T to help you with all this?) to help me contain some of the bigger pieces so i can focus more easily on one thing at a time is she sets up imaginary crates, one for each person who is part of my trauma history, and puts the ones i'm not processing in their own respective crates, locks them, and holds those keys for me.  it's helped me not be overwhelmed by so many people and thoughts banging at my brain at the same time.

if you need them, i have extra (virtual) crates where you can put some of what you're dealing w/.  you can label them in your mind, (such as not being heard, frustrations at work, being autistically challenged, etc. - whatever feels right for you) send them into their respective crates, lock them up, keep the key, and know they'll be there when you're ready to deal w/ them.

you have so much knowledge of how your system works, what you need, what you're not getting . . . perhaps problem-solving for one or two things at a time, realizing what's most important for you at this point in your life, and looking for ways to resolve it might help.  just a thought.  best to you with this, EA.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 29, 2023, 04:35:28 PM

@sanmagic7, you say, "perhaps problem-solving for one or two things at a time" ...that's just it.  I can't seem to solve for any of my problems, I'm just aware of what they are.  I'm desperate for help solving...I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again, and everyone says, "that's hard".  But I don't know how to get out of this feeling of helplessness.  I've been doing all this work for so long on my own and I have no support.  I keep saying the same things - I can't solve my problems with the same brain that created them.

Is it just writing down everything until there's nothing left to write, so I've said it all?  Only the more I say, the more comes up and it's just too much to bear alone.  That's what I came back to this journal to do, because I've been on and off crying all day about how bleak my future is about to be and how I don't have the tools to change the course or the advocacy I need so I don't have to go it alone.  I can barely breathe and I don't know how to get out of this. 

Focusing on one thing - work - which is the priority, just brings up every time I was in this situation and didn't have the support I needed to create a better outcome.  Nothing is different now, except for the fact I have absolutely no energy left to go on. 

 :wave:

I can't seem to solve any of my problems either.  I am doing what I can at the moment and that is, therapy with a trauma informed therapist and I am on this forum for a month now or thereabouts.

I am very isolated, not working, no contact with anyone but T that understands about trauma, occasionally speak with insurance company reps but that send me into crisis and I am working through Peter Walkers book on CPTSD.

I am having to accept, for the moment that I am where I am but even more important to know that CPTSD is complex and it will take a long while for me to heal.  One small step at a time.   It is very frustrating, I agree but if I don't accept it, I  will get worse.  I really don't want it to get worse and I'm almost certain you don't as well. 

I don't know if this helps you at all Eireanne. 

I do hope you eead this as intended - caring and supportive.

:hug: to you Eireanne if acceptable, if not please disregard

I'm sorry, EA. It's a really overwhelming stage to be in. I agree with Moondance acceptance of our symptoms is the first step. I have lots of empathy because I've been where you are, and it's a lot. It does get better. It is not hopeless. I do have some speciifc advice but we are generally encouraged to provide support not advice here. If you want a solid step to consider I will share it. Either way we are here with you and get it.  :hug:

EA, i'm sorry i couldn't answer your question w/ anything helpful.  perhaps, like many of us, just keep doing what you think you can do, like writing until everything comes out.  we're here for you, you're not going thru this alone,  c-ptsd is a beast in my mind, one with many tentacles.  if it's any consolation at all, we are hearing you.  we get what it's like to have so many thoughts and triggers running thru our minds at the same time, and, yes, often one will bring up another and another, ad nauseum.  hang tough, ok?  i've seen a change already.  small steps count.  love and hugs :hug:

I've been writing it all out for years, writing doesn't teach me how to do things differently.  If I KNEW how to heal I would, but there's no information out there on how to actually HEAL trauma, just stuff on how to alleviate the symptoms. I'm in this 100% alone.  Teaching my therapist week after week all the stuff I've learned is exhausting, when is it someone else's turn to take the reigns and tell me what the next step is? I'm so tired of waking up every morning already defeated because I'm still drowning and nothing new has changed except more memories of how bad things are about to get for me. 

 :hug:

It does feel like that, for a long time. That there's only steps to alleviate symptoms without healing the trauma. But in my experience and I offer this gently: alleviating the symptoms is the first step.  Stabilization. Then trauma processing. Then growth. The reason is because I couldn't and most people with trauma cannot actually process trauma and grow until there is a stabilization of symptoms.

I had to learn to stay calm and grounded in the face of the trauma, before I could face it. That is why practicing grounding and self care is so important. And even though that alone doesn't heal the trauma it can start to help you feel a little better. Better enough to take a deep breath and to start to process and heal. It takes a long time, a lot of practice, and a very strong will to feel better.

:hug:

We are hearing you. It is not fair and no you absolutely shouldn't have to teach your therapist all this.

I am sorry Eieranne you are so alone and hurting so much. 

You may be physically alone, but you are not alone in it - we all are here supporting each other as best we can given the fact that each of us are all on this journey of healing from traumas.

Eieranne, I'm pretty new here and forgot the guidelines about giving advice.  I sincerely mean to be supportive on this forum.

I'm sorry Eireanne that you have to teach your therapist. I agree, it's her job. That stuff is soooo exhausting. I had to do that in the past too. Even if the therapist does learn from you, it's still exhausting.

I have had a similar experience to Armee. Most important is stabilisation. In fact, in my country that's the mantra for healing from cptsd: stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation, look at something, process a little, stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation, look a bit further or look at something else, process, stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation,... and then integration starts happening and maybe growth in a form that you can see for yourself. Looking back, I would say there is growth beforehand too.

Atm a lot of mbrs on here are writing Journals and writing out what happened to them. Everybody needs to know for themselves whether that's a good thing. From what I have been told in inpatient trauma therapy, you can retraumatise yourself writing that stuff out when you're not ready or you can just frustrate yourself because it doesn't seem to work. And reading other people's accounts can retraumatise too. When I was first told by trauma-informed therapists maybe 6-7 years into my real intensive healing journey, that I needed to get really stabilised before I mentioned anything more out of my past, I was shocked and disgusted, but I followed their stipulations  - it was a healing retreat and I didn't have much choice in the matter - and it worked. I can't remember how long I was stabilising before processing, but it was long - a few years probably. I wasn't in continuous therapy though, I just had these healing retreats.

Anyway a lot of mbrs are writing Journals atm but that hasn't always been the case on here. I would gently suggest trying out https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0  The stuff pinned at the top is there because it is so important. Not all threads are possible or even useful for everybody. So if "grateful" makes you see red, maybe try Three Good Things a Day. Even reading other people's posts on it still helps me. And I still write on it. It's not in order to deny all the bad stuff that happened or is still happening.

Another thing that might help is reading up on brain research and how it pertains to traumatisation - amygdala, pre-frontal cortex etc because it can help us understand why healing is so long-drawn out and why it doesn't really take place on a cognitive level, which you probably know. I still re-read that stuff because I need to remind myself all the time. Unfortunately my brain is too numb to point you in a useful direction on the forum atm, where to find useful reading matter I mean.

I'm sorry if I wrote you something you already know or that you've written about in your Journal ad nauseam. I haven't read all of it, so may have missed.

When I reach out for help and I do not receive it, I internalize the message I've received since childhood.  I am a burden, an inconvenience, and I'm so filled with shame and self-loathing it has prevented me from putting these words onto paper.  Time and time again, I'd write paragraphs, trying to put into words the feelings and emotions I was having, desperately needing to reach out.  I've been doing this for 20+ years.  I read back to the things I wrote 20 years ago, I'm still saying the same things.  I can't remember a time where I truly had someone I could depend on. 

My entire life, I've craved someone I can let my guard down with, be my authentic self with and confide my deepest fears to.  Countless times I'd make a connection with someone and realize I had someone that would fill the void I had from not ever having a family of my own, or someone to love me unconditionally, only to have them stop talking to me without fully explaining why.  What is it about me that drives everyone away, that each time I make a new/potential friend, I walk on eggshells hoping I don't say the wrong thing that will cause them to stop speaking to me.  People have always sensed there was something "off" about me and it would make the air fill with awkward tension to the point I'd be too overstimulated and really needing to be in a quiet area for a bit to decompress...

Now, I spend so much of my time in my own head that the second someone talks to me, the thing that is in my head comes out and I can't attend to the other person I just need to feel seen/heard.  And that isn't enough...because I'm still not getting the HELP I need.  And while yes, there are wonderful people who can hold space for me and let me know they have been in similar situations, the fact is, the current situation I am in, the one I desperately need help with - I cannot find help and I AM alone in this...it's terrifying.  It's like watching a car crash in slow motion, I don't have the defenses to protect myself from this. 

I spent the past 24 hours calling one resource after another, repeating the situation and the support I need, only to be told that the number I am calling - I'm out of area for that support, or that isn't a service they provide.  I've been doing this since my leave started 2 months ago, and now it's almost up.  I'm no closer to solving for my problem than the day I went on leave and I'm in the same/slightly worse mental state.  I've completely regressed back to not being able to get out of bed.  No one understands what I'm trying to say the way I mean it, and everyone keeps giving "helpful" suggestions to things that aren't my problems (not this community - I mean IRL) which makes me feel even more unheard and invalidated.  Then I get angry and feel helpless and just start crying.  I don't have the answers and I can't find anyone that will help.  I truly am alone in this.  The system is failing me. 

@Blueberry - thank you for that. I do feel bad I'm not in a place that I can read other's journals yet and it's hard for me....I'm so appreciative to the people that are taking time to read my words, hold my pain with me and tell me I'm not alone.  I feel like I'm invalidating their responses sometimes by venting how alone I am when they are telling me I'm not, and I'm scared they will not feel appreciated and stop reading.  I know I don't have the monopoly on feeling like this, and that other people have it far different than I do and I am grateful to have stumbled upon this community as an alternative to journaling in a vacuum. 

I have spent the past two months better understanding what has been going on within my brain and Gabor Mate has really helped as well. I understand what happened and why it continues to happen, what I don't have is someone mirroring the correct behavior.  I feel like a kid, and I need an adult to show me how to respond appropriately to situations.  Like my work situation.  I want to sound empowered, when the reality is I AM a victim of my situation, and I'm slipping through the cracks.  I do not have the resources or support needed to get the help I need.  I feel very alone, and I have felt this way all my life.  I truly am the little kid I was, hiding in my closet listening to my parents argue about how every one of their problems was my fault. 

@Moondance, I am new here too.  I still struggle to navigate and understand guidelines, and struggle to find the words to respond to someone in the way that truly resonates with how I'm thinking...I just tend to come here when I'm thinking something that needs to be vented, and then I feel as if I'm not letting YOU know how much your words really do resonate with me.  I am sad for us both that we are struggling with similar feelings of isolation and lack of support.   I appreciate that you are taking the time to share words (and hugs) of encouragement.  You really are a balm to my hurt feelings...like someone that is kissing a skinned knee before putting on a bandaid.  Your kindness gives me comfort - thank you. 

@Armee - I hear what you are saying, but I am constantly being wounded by things happening to me that I feel I have no control over.  Things that are exacerbating wounds I haven't healed from.  Things like financial insecurity, food insecurity, knowing I have no capacity to get my own basic needs met and that soon my situation is going to get a lot worse and there MUST be a way of saving myself if I only knew what it was...and then remembering all the times in the past I haven't been able to help myself, and I probably wouldn't be in this situation if I were only...and then giving  myself grace for that, but still having NO answers, no knowledge, no ability to articulate what needs to be said in a way that gets the help I need...exactly like being an child and crying and having a parent let me "cry it out" instead of attending to me.  I'm not seeing how there can be a stabilization of symptoms when the symptoms are being triggered by me not getting the help I need. 

I think there's this...thought? That if I can calm myself down when I am dysregulated that I will magically understand the right way to communicate effectively with people that are not capable of hearing me.  I'm needing the actual words that need to be said to get someone to respond the way I need and I can't do that when I'm being made to feel invisible.  When I say I need autonomy and respect and the ability to set boundaries and I'm told that they don't have time for my drama, I don't know how to explain that this is NOT drama, this is a basic human need.  I can point out all of the science behind why I am responding the way I am, but unless that individual is willing to understand a concept that they have no personal experience with, I am dismissed as being melodramatic.   

All the suggestions to help me stay calm and grounded still doesn't teach me the right way to navigate a system I am not thriving in.  Especially when I put my trust in authority figures and am vulnerable with them and expose my weaknesses and they betray me and use those weaknesses against me. 

I'm sorry I got that wrong, EA.  :hug:

When I feel like I'm in danger - like, of being fired - I immediately panic and my panic looks like anger.  I'm desperate for help to get out of this situation and it LOOKS like I'm lashing out in anger, because I never learned how to get help.  My entire life.  And that's why it's traumatic for me, and why I'm so effed up and on medical leave right now, because I literally brought up every other instance of a situation where I didn't understand something and asked for help...and I've legit never had anyone I could depend on consistently. 
I live in complete isolation.  I have for nearly my entire life.  To try to explain that, the voices in my head want me to be semantically correct, because "everyone" is always correcting me, instead of just allowing me to NOT WORRY ABOUT SEMANTICS and just say it messy and wrong, so what needs to come out can.  But no one ever allows that. And that's invalidating.  I can't expect anyone to understand when they are too busy trying to FIX instead of listen. 
This happened the other day, and I feel this is important to share...so a part of me wants to tell a story.  Only the story completely contradicts my first statement - I live in complete isolation....Well, How can you say that and in the next breath tell me you had a friend over!? See?? 
And this actually happened at work.  Which is why it's a trigger.  IN MY OWN HEAD, because I've heard it from everyone my entire life, the invalidation - that I invalidate myself, because you all will read it and think it's helpful to remind me I'm not alone.  This is the other tactic that's been done to me my entire life.  EVERY thing I feel invalidates itself.
@sanmagic7, I can have as many boxes or crates or whatever as I need, I can have a running tally of EVERY trauma that comes up from me just trying to get through a sentence when the fact of the matter is, I need people to TALK to.  Like, regularly...to be able to get ALL the trauma out.  If everyone I asked for help would have just stepped up and helped me carry a piece of it, it wouldn't be this big...but it is, because it's trapped in my head and the only way to get it out is to tell someone, but the more I try to talk to people the more they invalidate me before I even had a chance to share.  I'm too busy defending myself, then I sound defensive, then I sound angry, and all they do is say "that sounds frustrating" Yes, It IS, all of this is, and I don't know how to SOLVE for it.  It's like a scream trapped in my chest.  Making a "shopping list" of all of them, even trapping them away in boxes...what is the point of WHERE I put it, it's not....they are all just multiplying.  So much so that I open my journal to talk about one thing and I end up talking about 15 other things. 
This is what I did when my friend came over.  He sat and listened to me for 2 hours.  I just don't understand my other "friends" and why they can't just show up for me.  So it goes back to even in childhood, when I needed desperately to feel connection, and all I knew was isolation.  Will telling someone about it make me feel better? Yes - In the short term.  But it doesn't change my situation or give me the answers I need.  I need to learn different behaviors by having them mirrored for me.  Then I need to practice them in a safe environment, but I don't have a safe environment, and I have no one to practice them with.  And a lifetime of living an isolated life means I do not know how to survive.  I'm begging everyone I know for help and they are all just standing idly by waiting for me to figure it out on my own and invalidating me along the way. 

My initial aim was to figure out what was wrong with me, so then I could find a therapist to help me, but I'm STILL doing that, I'm still telling everyone what is wrong with me and trying to get the help I need, but everyone's assumption is that I should be getting it from a therapist - what I'm lacking is a sense of connection and social support.  I cannot expect to wait until I have my therapist's attention to discuss every single box holding every single trauma, when most of them wouldn't even BE trauma if someone would just listen to me. I have felt invisible my ENTIRE life.  And it's excruciating now because I desperately need help and I have no one.  I'm slipping through the cracks and no one cares....because I haven't had anyone to depend on my entire life.  Which brings up EVERY instance when I desperately needed someone and there was no one...and a reminder of how much I lost. 
My friend pointed out how resilient I must be that I've been able to hold onto as much as I can, how many times I've been able to pull myself through...but I NEED someone else...and I don't know what I ever did wrong that I've never experienced that.  I need it so bad.  I told my friend...do you know it's been about 5 months since I was touched by another human being?  It was my birthday, and my friend invited me over....I ended up watching a movie with his 9 year old.  We watched Disney's Alice in Wonderland.  I don't know that I've ever seen it.  he snuggled up next to me.   Prior to that...the first year of the pandemic, someone gave me a hug that felt like home.  Between that? Abuse and neglect...Isolation and lack of psychological safety.  Of course everything feels like trauma and I have no sense of psychological safety. 
I've been barely surviving under the weight of all this trauma.  Along the way, I've been told I'm just angry.  Depressed.  Anxious.  Suicidal.   Attention Seeking.   Dramatic.   A Victim.  All from people I was desperate for a sense of connection with.  That's all I need.  To be seen.  Heard.   Attuned to.  I have one person in my life that can do that for me, and to be with him is traumatic in itself.  I told him, "this is the healthiest relationship I've ever had" He replied, "this is NOT a healthy relationship".  Yes, I know that too...but by comparison. 
I told him about my parents.  I left out so much.  I told him bits about my brother.  And the time he broke my ribs.  And just enough vignettes to paint a picture.  But there's another picture. 
I'm watching Dr. Gabor Maté: The Myth of Normal & The Power of Connection on YouTube and he says, "the infants brain requires the mature function of the adult's brain to regulate itself, but what if the adult's brain is not functioning maturely because that adult themselves never got the right conditions for the healthy development? Now you have an immature adult brain regulating or trying to regulate an immature infant's brain - the self-regulation never develops. 
I was crying on the couch...thinking, at my age, I have no idea how to help myself.  I have no idea how to say things the "right" way to get people to hear me.  It brings up the conversation I had with the one that said I should "join a co-dependency support group or AlAnon" - I said to her, "I need to be able to figure out what to say" and she said, eff those people, you don't have to tell them anything! You don't have to EXPLAIN yourself!  She didn't get what I was asking.  No one really listens to me when I talk.  When I ask for things, I never get it.  I am told I need to set boundaries.  It's all *.  Who am I setting boundaries with? I'm completely invisible, I always have been.  I've never gotten anything I've asked for.  To be heard.  How am I supposed to set a boundary for that?

So here I am, on the couch, helpless, isolated, crying that my life has always been like this, all my memories of are me, alone, struggling to survive...and my mom opens the door and says, "how long are you planning on being miserable for?"  But it's learned behavior - because she never taught me HOW.  I learned by watching.  I didn't know any different.  I still don't.  And I think, she didn't know what she didn't know.  So if I don't know how to find the "right" organization that will provide me an advocate to get the services I need to survive,  how was she supposed to know how to teach me something she herself had never experienced? 

I imagine she also didn't know what to say, what to do, didn't learn that from HER mom, so how was she supposed to be able to figure out my needs when her own needs weren't being met? And that's what I learned...that's what I did, I repeated the only thing I understood how to do, and it's NOT WORKING.  But that's all I've ever learned - what doesn't work.  What drives people away, what makes me end up alone.  But now how to find someone who won't leave, someone who will say, I will help you with the things you need help with until you can do it on your own, and even then, I'll still be here.  Then, when I see other people have that, I wonder what is so lacking in my own makeup that I can't receive that as well.

@armee - you didn't get it wrong.  You are reading the incoherent thoughts that aren't coming out the way I intend and doing your best with what you are reading.  That's not on you to get it "right".  I'm not, in any of these posts, saying what it is I'm meaning to say.  I'm just "venting" in a way, and not really saying ANYTHING.  Not even sharing what actually happened, which I think would help, because I'm just purging. 

It's not fair of "me" to sound like I'm dismissing your suggestions by saying, "that's not what I need" when I'm not even expressing to you what my needs are, and you are trying to piece them together by my entries alone.  You are awesome and I appreciate you holding space for me.

My mom only had two friends.  It makes sense that I only had two friends. 

But I read tons of articles that say, If you have two close friends, consider yourself lucky, most don't have that many....so all this time I thought I was lucky....until I asked those two friends to hold space for me.  And they are so deaf to my cries of help it's painful to get texts from them now...which I'm sure validates everyone's assumption that I am "self-isolating" and makes me question reality. 

It's easier to check in with another person and say, Hey, is this really happening the way I am thinking it?  But when I go without that person for too long...it all just gets trapped in my head and there's nothing to do but word vomit them out. 

It's not that most people aren't equipped to have "these" conversations because of the topic itself, it's because most people do not want to go that deep. They want to avoid messy, feely conversations at all costs.  And I've never been that way. I think most people numb and distract themselves instead of digging deeper, and for me to want to dig deeper, it makes them want to distance themselves from me.

I start cognitively rehearsing what I want to say in my head as if I'm already talking to someone, because that's what I do. I have conversations with people in my head I wish I could talk to. It's so hard because nobody else is getting it.  I feel like the people I have asked for help don't understand what I'm asking, and to me the most simple and obvious thing would be to say, "HOW CAN I HELP?"  and instead, they say, "oh, she's feeling down, I should do something nice to cheer her up...what should we do? Oh, this might be nice -she'll love this - because it's something I've I asked for when I was venting, or something I said I've never experienced - so they're like oh I will give her this and it'll make her happier!

I'm not trying to be happy. I'm trying to get help with specific things that I need help with right now, like my work stuff - I can't even explain it to somebody else without bursting into tears and I don't want to do that to somebody I don't even know, and I can't do that in front of HR...but I go to people I actually know and say, "hey, I could really use your help with this thing" but because it's been so long since I talked to another person, I get distracted, or my inner child starts ranting about everything I need and how I can't do it or I'm talking to another human and I would rather talk to them about anything else or my inner child takes over and starts begging for help with the chronic isolation instead - because that's what I realize is in every single thing that I've been reading over that I've written - it's that I need for conversation - but it comes out wrong and I ask for things like, "maybe you can ask me a question every day"

I don't know. I don't know how to get people to want to talk to me, because nobody seems to want to talk to me and that's all I need is for more people to want to talk to me and nobody does. And yes, I completely get that when I act like this, it's draining and people get tired of hearing me say the same things, so they bounce...but even when I hold it all in and just ask about them and don't bring up any of my own needs - I'm still not getting that feeling of reciprocation.  All the times I've held space or showed up for my friends in crisis, and I'm saying, TAG, I'M it - Show up for me the way *I* need now!! and recognizing I'm not being heard, my needs aren't being attended to, and these people aren't getting why I'm still upset and and "rejecting" their help.

I tell people I'm chronically isolated, and I really could use them coming over and talking to me. And they don't understand why I am upset when they want to organize an Easter egg hunt for me. like, it's just tone deaf to me and my neighbor tells me, well you can't say that because it'll hurt their feelings, it'll make them mad...you can just say thank you. I'm like, thank you? for what? thank you for ignoring me? thank you for making me feel invisible? thank you for making me feel like I have no autonomy? because I don't know how to get what I need.

When this friend (the one that thinks I want to have an easter egg hunt as a way to make me feel....no clue what she thinks....) was in crisis and at her breaking point, I drove two hours to her house and did 8 loads of her family's laundry that her cats had pissed all over.  I want her to come over and go food shopping with me, help me meal prep, then have her and her husband sit down with me so I can recount what happened at work and they can say, "what is it you're trying to say, let's help you put that into words" but instead....easter egg hunt. Yeah.  Thanks. 

But apparently, I'm not supposed to correct people when they offer help I am not asking for, I'm just supposed to be grateful to them for trying, because to reject the offer of something that frankly, sounds humiliating, means I am "self-isolating". 

Navigating relationships to support healing is really difficult.

@rainydiary I agree.  *hug* Thank you for holding space for me while I vent.

In about an hour, I have a talk that I requested from an online community I joined in January. So I'm going to see how much of this story I can get out before I have to go.  I tend to word vomit, then cut and paste all of it here a few days after I've had time to process my thoughts, so instead, I'm going to try real time, and see how it goes...*

The talk I am going to have is on Loneliness and how it affects the brain.  In it, there's this line that goes something like, "we figured a support group for lonely people would make the most sense, but it didn't work"  Only...the reasons he cited....didn't resonate with me, and I'll tell you why*. 

Something that boggles the minds of my co-workers* - despite being so incredibly burnt out and conditioned by abusive workplace conditions that I can no longer get my basic needs met - My life consisted of waking up at 7am, logging into work, sitting in front of my computer until it was time to go to bed...to the point that even if I was able to log out at a decent hour, I would just go straight to bed...I wasn't recognizing it was my brain protecting me from the lack of psychological safety....I wasn't able to go for walks, I wasn't able to go to the store...not because she said I couldn't, but every time I tried, she'd need me to do something.  When I was transparent about where I would be - as in, "I am going to need to go to the office" it was never...NEVER "ok, cool" and she knew she could go to ANOTHER FRIGGIN ADMIN - it was, "why do you need to go in?" and then a pause and a judgment of whether or not she deemed the reason APPROPRIATE - such as, "well I AM the only point of contact for the ENTIRE office, and we are being audited, or I need to ensure covid standards are met"  But what she didn't get was, I wasn't ASKING HER PERMISSION - but she was treating me like, "well I decide whether or not this is important enough", and that made me feel like a kid.  But..this is the way I'm always treated at work.  By every boss I've ever had.  And trust me, she's NOT the worst.   The worst was the woman that made me DYE MY HAIR to a more TONED DOWN shade, because my red - the one that made me feel attractive for the FIRST time in my life was, "inappropriate" for the workplace.  And my clothes? Well, I couldn't wear anything that didn't have a sleeve, and I had to only wear clothes with no patterns*. 

The most ironic part of all that - her son had sensory processing disorder - so my requests of, "it's too cold, can I go outside for a walk to warm up?" were denied because then I wouldn't be able to get my work done.  And being told by the owner at 7pm that I needed to get a hold of an admin in NYC (that's 8pm EST) and change a meeting - "can I do it in the morning, it's 7pm?" No, stay and do it now.  But then they leave.  So you know, this current one would have me clear her calendar to go get her hair done, and then have me sit and wait in front of my computer at 9pm on a Friday because she had a whim. 

It made me sooo mad, I'd point it out, how is it not obvious to everyone what she's doing? She's testing my boundaries, she's seeing how much I can take and I can't take it, I keep SAYING I can't take it, just like I couldn't take it when my abuser would gaslight me and I had to SUPPORT the both of us with this horrible toxic job that was killing me - just to stay alive.  Because I had nowhere to go, no friend that said, "stay with us" - no, all these friends just saw every time I'd raise my voice because I felt threatened or invisible.  When I said what I was going through, people would just tell me that was the way a relationship was...I never experienced a different type of manager, how was I supposed to know this was abuse? I just had to do what she said, because she was my manager, that's what everyone kept telling me, keep my head down, keep my job - I knew what was out there....I could tolerate it, besides, it was a mostly remote job, and she didn't push me needing to go into the office, when every other company was/is doing return to work. 

And that's what happens when I try to tell a story.  EVERY time.  One thing, leads to another, leads to another and I didn't even start telling the thing I tried to say*.  This is what I am afraid will happen when I try to go back to work.  When I attempt to tell HR what happened, and so I've been trying to WRITE it, but soo much comes up, and I say, Hey, can you come over and sit with me, because too much is coming up, I need you to hold space for me so I can get it out.  But, that isn't what I say...or, it kind of is.  I try to frame it to a reasonable for their capacity situation.  My one friend, I said, can you just call me on the phone like you used to and tell me about your day?  She said, "no, because I called you when I went shopping, and I have food delivered to the house now". 

Um....Thanks.  So I have to be all, I understand.  Because I do - she's telling me she doesn't have the capacity.  But what I'm hearing is, "I would if you were family, but you're not"  and then I feel like the crazy girl in the movies/tv shows - like if I react emotionally they are going to think I'm a psycho.  Because that's what all the literature says I will do.  Which is why, when I got fired from M, they had security escort me out.  They said they were afraid I would throw a chair through the server glass.  Um...why? 

Here's the reality of what happened:  I was being harassed by the mail clerk.  He would trigger me so much.  I'd be walking down the hallway pushing a cart and he'd come up behind me and put one arm on either side of the cart outside of my hands and press up against me.  I'd get stiff and say, please don't do that, but he would say, come on, you like it. 

I rarely if ever got a lunch break (a trend throughout my career - and one that contributes to an eating disorder now) I could barely ever even go to the bathroom, someone had to be sitting at the desk.  No one would sit at the desk (not no one, but really verrrry few) so anyone that walked by, I'd beg, can you just sit here a moment, please? and I'd either run to the bathroom, or run to shovel some food down my throat in the coat closet that was like 100 ft from where I sat.  I was reprimanded any time someone caught me with food hidden at my desk.  So occasionally this mail clerk would cover me so I could have an actual break.  I would take this opportunity to hide somewhere, so I wouldn't be asked to do something if someone saw me. 

When I'd come back to my desk, he'd have changed my wallpaper to pictures of him and his cat....and he would...do things to trigger me that would remind me of the abuse from my FOO.  So I'd say, Leave me alone, get away, just stop, I can't leave the front desk, so I can't get away, and I'd feel so trapped, so one day I raised my voice....when my friend was sitting on the couch with me, as I was telling him this story....it was like I was there, so he heard the exact pitch and tone in which I said it.  He could see I was visibly shaking, with tears welling up in my eyes and just the terror of needing to be out of that situation...so I went to HR and shortly after, I was terminated.  I was called into a room with someone on speakerphone that said, I think we all know why you're here and a woman handing me cobra information.  I was hysterical crying, I cried for days, and after that I couldn't get one reference, not one person to say what a good job I did....and shortly after that, I was in a car accident, and my car was totaled.  So I had no job, no car, no insurance, no income, no support. no references. 

And it's about to happen again.  So forgive me if I am afraid to leave my bed some days. 

I didn't even get to the story I started telling you about, so I'll hit Post and try again :)

Quote from: Eireanne on May 02, 2023, 05:09:48 PM
@Blueberry - thank you for that. I do feel bad I'm not in a place that I can read other's journals yet and it's hard for me

Please don't feel bad! :no: :no:   The most important thing on this forum is recovery and looking after yourself. When you manage that self-care by not reading other people's journals when it's too much (or too 'something else') for you then :applause: :applause:

It's good you've found somebody whose videos or conferences or whatever help - Gabor Maté.

Where you are rn is really really tough and I'm sorry it's so hard. I feel helpless reading the posts of yours I have read. I wouldn't have been able to go back to work in the situation you are in. In fact, I still have disability. I'm very lucky to be in a country where it might be easier to get that than in some countries. idk. I wish I could say 'slow down' to you :hug:  But of course there are then 10,000 questions on "how do I survive?", "how do I earn money?", "Where do I get the money to pay for further therapy?" e.g. if insurance won't pay trauma-informed T. I get it. But I don't have an answer other than what I've given or sometimes what other people have suggested. 

You wrote your M came in the room. So that means you have the added difficulty of FOO (family-of-origin) around. If they don't understand, that tends to not help. This is not a criticism of you because there are many reasons why you might still be living with FOO.

To that Easter Egg hunt or similar, I would add "No" in front of the "Thank you." But please know and be assured that none of this is easy. Just because I can do that now doesn't mean you ought to be able to do it now or that I could before (I couldn't and in some situations still can't). Anyway you questioning the wisdom of that person suggesting you say "thank you" means some part of you knows that's not the answer for you. So it sounds to me as if everything is way, way, way too much atm but part of you does know some of the way out of this. That's good. You have an inner wisdom.

To articles or people who say "Feel lucky!", "Feel glad that...." :pissed: :pissed:   They don't know. They're not dealing with cptsd. Or if you got that idea on here like from me, then I expressed myself badly. Same thing if somebody contradicts you on a statement like you're self-isolated - but "Wait a minute! You said you talked to a friend yesterday, so you're confused." I've been contradicted like that including by therapists and my reaction was :blowup: for years. Now not so much, but that's been because of slow bit by bit healing and a whole lot of therapy.

I used to have conversations with other people in my head too. You're not alone with that, if that helps you to know. I also talk to the birds and the squirrels I see around since I no longer have furbabies to talk to.

I hear you're lonely and you're desperate for touch. Maybe you can feel just a bit from  :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:

We are here and we care.

P.S. My posts always take a while so I wrote it while you were writing your latest. Sorry mine might well not be up-to-date.

Despite all my work trauma, I managed to found and co-lead an ERG for people with disabilities.  I'm completely doing it for selfish reasons, but I'm transparent about it and both other founders of this group both know and support my reasons.  In fact, they know exactly how I'm treated at work, and one of them has been really helpful...aside from pushing towards education and advocacy for people with disabilities, each month we showcase a particular disability - and one month we did CPTSD and PTSD - I was told by doctors, and understood to have PTSD, which made sense to me, except I had so many traumas that I thought that meant I had CPTSD meaning - more than one bad thing has happened.  I was told I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, that my parents were narcissists and I needed to learn how to set boundaries.  The structure of our meetings is the first part is the presentation of the facts and the second is, to tell the personal story.  The girl that shared her personal story and I became friends.  She'd call me, and every time we'd talk, I'd tell her I felt like she was only calling me because she knew I had no other friends, but I didn't want her to call just because she felt obligated, rather, because she wanted to talk to me.  She would say, trust me, if I didn't want to talk to you, I wouldn't.  But all our conversations would be about her, and her work, and how well it was going, and how she had to choose between several different promotions but her life was so hard, and how she's so good at getting jobs, and she could help me get a job, in fact, she was exactly where I was last year, she felt hopeless, she didn't have any support either, but what she DID have was the ability to BS her way through any system designed to keep her resume from being seen, and she could help me with that to, in fact it was her side hustle, I said, great - but first I need to talk to you about my job trauma, because I'm so afraid I'm about to be eliminated that it's triggering my PTSD, she says, oh trust, me you're going to get eliminated, but it's ok, because you have me.  So she had my resume and didn't work on it for 2 months.  But every day she'd call me and tell me how work wasn't giving her anything to do, and she was so bored, but she had to look like she was doing something.  And one day I finally said, Well then why don't you take a look at my resume? And she said, I told you I will.  And I said, Look, I'm going to say something that's really hard for me, but I am hoping you can hear me and when I'm done, I need you to repeat back to me what I said.  So I said....and when I finished, I said, what did you hear me say?  She paused....took a deep breath...paused some more....said, sounds like you're really depressed.  And I know because my my deals with depression, so maybe you should be medicated....I said again, only this time louder, and I even said to her, I'm feeling triggered now, and it's not your fault, but this is what happens when I feel like I'm not being heard, and so I really need you to hear me because this is really triggering that I'm not going to be able to say the right thing and I don't know how to make this stop, but I really need to be heard and I repeated what I had said originally.  Again, I asked, what did you hear? And she said, I understand that you want me to work on your resume but I'm not going to do it until you learn to calm down, and hung up on me.  So I called her, and calmly explained again, this is what I was saying, and I was asking for her to repeat what she heard, she wouldn't do that for me either time, so I hope she will listen to the voicemail once she had calmed down, because I no doubt was triggering her CPTSD as well (which I also stated to her when I was talking) and she never called back and never called again and *shrug* will never help me with my resume. 

Oh and by the way, the exact thing I was saying to her was, "I am not saying now, because I understand you are at work, but could you really prioritize working on my resume, I gave you a job I wanted to apply for and I told you the exact help I needed with the resume was changing how my duties and responsibilities were worded to show that I have the transferable skills necessary to do the job, even though I don't have the experience - this job is a mix of all of my strengths and the best parts of myself - and I really want an opportunity to apply, I just need help with the wording" and so you can see why the response of, "you sound depressed" was really triggering for me.  And coupled by, "I'm not going to help you until you calm down" when I was not only being as calm as I could, but I was expressing clearly what my needs were....and they were ignored.  As usual.   Easter Egg Hunt.  Ugh, time for my....lecture talk....wish me luck.

 :hug:

Good luck. I hope the lecture talk went OK. I'm really sorry what happened at work. That sounds clearly like sexual harassment or even assault and you should not have been terminated for reporting that. I apologize if I got some of those details incorrect. But it sounds like an extremely upsetting situation and one that would make anyone feel unsafe.

I have a LOT to unpack and I'm trying to be systematic about it, but...of course I'm not. 

The "friend" I had texted me the other day, with an invalidating message that she hopes I'm feeling better.  That things are "improving" and I'm like...how could they?  I had sent her an email explaining what social isolation is, what it feels like, what it does to the body and mind and what people can do to help.  Completely ignored.  I said, nothing about my situation has changed, so how could I feel "better"?

So today, she sent out a newsletter.  In it are parts from everyone in her collective and I had requested she put the email I sent her into her newsletter.  She declined and instead reposted one I sent a year ago that is entitled, "you are not alone".  She said she did this because it was "more in line with the theme" of the current newsletter.  Great.  Thanks. 

In it, I say, "Start with self-love and self-compassion.  When you begin to understand how important it is for your needs to be met, your eyes open to the needs of others and you have the energy to extend a helping hand. Many of us feel overwhelmed at the amount of needs we see. When you're taking care of yourself and staying grounded, you'll be a better judge of how you can give your energy without depleting your cup. (No one is helpful when they've run completely dry!)"

So I responded to her and said, "Thank you so much for choosing the email you did.  I forgive you and understand you do not have the capacity beyond taking care of yourself.  I respect that you've judged you cannot hold space for me.  I wish you well in your journey for your own healing."

*shrug*  I'm sure people will say, "oh you shouldn't have said that, you sound bitter, resentful, angry, blahblahblah" but seriously, how am I supposed to feel? 

I recognize that a lot of my behaviors are not understood by people, by that I mean...I will ask a question, and I will get a response that on the surface seems like an answer, but then after I process it (processing delay is not understood - and it's like something I don't recognize WHEN it's happening...duh, because I'm not PROCESSING it yet).  So someone will give me a suggestion, and I won't understand how to put into words why I KNOW something won't work, I just know it's not working...and I've been told my entire life that I'm just not trying hard enough.  I always felt like everyone else had this manual, and they understood how to DO stuff, and all these do stuff people look at me like, "well, why can't you do it too??" So I'm made to feel shame around feeling like I want to experience life the way other people do? I'm told that's jealousy, and I shouldn't feel that either.  I have to be more grateful for what I have, I have to be mindful and only think about others...and society is so big on correcting my behavior, but no one has ever stopped to question WHY I'm behaving the way I am...so many things makes sense to me now, but at what point is that behavior a crutch and something I should have "unlearned" by now? 

Well it would have been a * of a lot easier to unlearn if I had a different experience than the only thing I've ever experienced...sigh.

I had another journal that I've been meaning to go through and process, only hadn't had the capacity since I've been living in a constant trauma state for the past 3 years...but I received an email the other day where one of my posts was flagged for violating...something, which doesn't make sense, because there's NOTHING in the post that violates anything....so I just deleted it (as opposed to requesting it be reviewed and republished) and I'm putting it here...recognizing that I should just start working through all of those posts and moving them here anyway....so while I'm not going to start in on that any time soon, I AM going to put that one post here...

And I still need to go back and review the past 9 pages I've left here...lots to go through. 

Not to mention I'm once again behind on responding to all of your kind words and hugs.

This was written in 2020, during the pandemic when I was trapped in an abusive relationship under quarantine, so I had no way of escaping (other than to press a bookcase against the door of the room I hid in).  Any time I left the room he would gaslight me and no matter how hard I tried not to react, he would keep at me until I broke down. Rinse and repeat. 

He never understood that I didn't want to be associated with any of her energy, I didn't want to be walking in the footsteps of her ghost.  I wanted something that was ours, something that I could call my own, not just something you once did with her and now you're doing it with me, then you'll do again with the next girl.  I wanted you to hear ME, my needs, my desires, which I told you over and over again - the need to feel heard, acknowledged, connected...I needed that connection so desperately but you firmly held on to YOUR perspective of events, no matter how much energy I divested into trying to get you to change that perspective, even if I managed to for a glimmer, your brain immediately pulled you back into your safe zone...that place where I'm obviously a suicidal crazy girl that is doing things intentionally just to hurt you, because you can't see your own part in this.  You can't see how you are making it clear you have no respect for my boundaries, that my existence is incidental to you, and therefore was never considered. 

I'm the one that has to focus on my own well being and not interacting with you until I have time to process and the simple fact that you take advantage of your knowledge of my processing disability proves to me you have no kindness left in you where I am concerned. 

The sheer amount of rationalization that occurs to aide you in justifying your behavior towards me is astounding. I HAVE to protect myself from it because you keep causing me setbacks, which I can then turn around and use you as a mirror to further my own healing.

I don't know how to find a healthy relationship.  The insecure part of me is afraid I'm just attracting someone toxic to my life.  It might just be another game, look how obvious D's games are to me now.  The whole breakthrough epiphany - I'm going to be ok, yes, it means a change of plans, a change in timeline, but I will just pivot.  It's going to be ok, I"M going to be ok. 

A note to someone I was talking to at the time (I never sent it to them, but I think it's important as I'm still saying the same exact thing 3 years later)

There's stuff I'm going through that you want me to tell you about, and I haven't yet, mostly because I need to understand it myself first before I can put it into words for you.  Not because I'm trying to avoid talking to you about them.  That's stuff I'm working through currently...while also dealing with work stress, while also dealing with trying to heal past trauma and PTSD.  In the middle of a pandemic that triggered a PTSD episode...but I'm going though the steps I need, only it's hard f-ing work.  There's such a stigma involved with mental health that most people just assume it's stuff you keep quiet about, and you just put on a happy face and suck it up.  To be able to openly say, no, I have a disability, and these are my symptoms is HUGE for me.  I was taught to feel so much shame for it, and now I'm like, no, you know what? This is a medical condition and if you don't get that, then you don't get me. 

I am insecure that people will assume I'm having a meltdown or a temper tantrum, because that's how I've always been treated.  For the first time I understand that if someone regards my disability like that, then they aren't someone I need to have around me anyway...well that, and I should hide it at work (but I am slowly introducing it at work as an advocate)...and you haven't treated me like that.

So, for the awesome thing I did? A major old trauma was triggered the other day, so I've been working through a major anxiety attack, all while my work was stressful and I lost Office for 24 hours, MAJOR things that would have "caused a meltdown" in me previously.  Instead, I did all the things I have been practicing doing, and for the first f-ing time, I was able to defuse my anxiety attack within 24 hours of being triggered. Which means for the first time I have proof all the work I've been doing is working

It's what I'm doing now to get over the trauma so I don't bring it to a relationship...I need a healthy relationship with me first. 

I wrote this in 2013...to my family of origin.  2013...and I still haven't healed :( Not even a smidge.

I am not avoiding talking to you out of some immature, attention seeking behavior because I want to cause you worry. You have said things that have beyond hurt me, because you are upset. I understand, everyone does it, even me. When you're upset you just say things, not realizing how the person listening will internalize it, because you're so wrapped up in yourself and what is going on with you that you don't see how hurtful your words are to someone else.

However, I do realize it, and being as I am the one hurting right now, I cannot think of anything I can say to you right now that won't either hurt you, or cause you to start a fight, either with me, or each other, and I am in no mood to escalate anything. I am not doing well, and I don't have the energy for any of this. Nor do I deserve it. So I am distancing myself from it, and from you, until I can be sure of my ability to talk to you without being triggered. If you are offended that I am sticking up for myself and for once putting myself and my own mental health first, then I apologize that you don't understand how very much this is hurting me, and if you choose to take these words and use it to blame each other for anything, it only strengthens my resolve not to speak to you until I am ready. I hope you can take this time to work out whatever issues you are having, as that is what I will be doing. I'm truly sorry we don't have the kind of relationship with each other that we want, but I am not going to take all the responsibility for it any more. Please do not reply to this, and know that I love you, and don't want to cause you additional hurt, but I also do not want any additional hurt. I hope you can try to understand.

Working on the anecdotal notes again for work...I'm not sure why I keep calling them that, I just don't know what to call them.  I recognize now (not sure if I mentioned this already) that the reason this has been so hard for me was there was still betrayal I was not consciously aware of, and every time I tried re-telling the story I would get retraumatized by both the awareness and the feeling that I don't know how to successfully navigate this without support. 
 
The only reason L likes me is because I have to remain so hypervigilant.  She knows that I will drop everything to try to get her what she needs that she intentionally asks me to do things when she knows I can't.  I would document it and then tell E what she was doing.  I kept believing E was reporting this to HR on my behalf, and she kept telling me to be patient, I thought it was to get me the help I needed, and she'd repeatedly come back with telling me of some made up reason L was upset to justify why she couldn't get me to be moved. I disclosed the conversations I had with L claims that me being triggered by her repeatedly to the point where I asked my colleagues for help, because I wasn't getting it through the normal routes. 

I kept on thinking, if I could just figure out a way to communicate effectively with her that she would gain empathy or understand and I realized earlier that wasn't going to happen because she is a narcissistic abusive woman and I grew up in a narcissistic abusive household and I am predisposed to understand how to respond and mirror their behavior because they're not going to verbalize their expectations and that is so triggering for me but I do my best and sometimes I mess up and she gets so mad and I'm so afraid of her but everyone says that's just the way she is and you have to understand and you have to be you know and I don't like no I don't I do understand that's the thing and they won't hear me when I'm asking for help so I try framing it in a way that won't disclose that I'm in crisis and I say things ...

But due to the fact that I've been so isolated I don't ever get to work through what subconsciously she's triggering me and I wasn't seeing that I was seeing that...I am in such isolation and crave human connection so badly that when I finally have someone to talk to...it's too hard to explain via text.

I was in a traumatic situation the first year I was employed here.  I wrote a blog post about it.  I pretty much lost everything that first year, and have been struggling to start over ever since.  I need to be in a work environment where I can heal from the trauma that occurred.  However, my present situation mirrors that abusive situation, and I'd repeatedly ask what I could do to align with a different leader, but was told to just keep doing what I'm doing and I'll be fine...only what I was doing was unsustainable.  I said as much, but was threatened with reducing my duties and responsibilities to ONLY interacting with the individual that is triggering the trauma I haven't had time to process or heal from.  I disclosed everything to my manager in September, and since then, this woman has retaliated against me in little ways.  It's not obvious thing, it's like death from 1,000 papercuts, so that when I say, "she requested this" it doesn't seem that bad and I'm reminded to consider her perspective and the strain she's under and what a good leader he is, and like the good little traumatized girl who suffered from childhood abuse, I'll do anything to make her happy. 

I understand I can't expect the HR of my company or my manager to be trauma informed.  I can't even find a primary care physician that is trauma informed.  But you're asking the person in crisis to educate the individuals she's asking for help for WHY she needs the help.  Regardless of the documentation, taking the emotions out of it, trying to be patient, at the end of the day you are asking the individual in the abusive situation to tolerate remaining in that situation because I'm good at it and no one else wants to do it.  And it's the ONLY thing I'll ever be allowed to do here, even though I have dreams, even though I want to have a career path, I'm told I need to be quiet or it's going to be taken all away from me.  I'm asked to list out my job titles and I list them by hierarchy and accomplishments – the things I cling to, to be able to tolerate this toxic, hostile work relationship I have with LD, and I manage it with as much grace and dignity as I can muster, but it's so challenging when LD discovers I'm doing something that builds my confidence, or should be acknowledged as an achievement, a way to add value and promote our company in a good light, LD says, "Why are you doing that? You shouldn't be doing that, I'm going to tell them to take that away from you."  Further trapping me with my abuser.  I disclose to my manager what she's doing, and my manager tells me LD needs me to have the most important thing be her.  So I can no longer stop working evenings and weekends.  So I have to be available to LD whenever she has a whim, until she gets COMFORTABLE with the idea that I should be allowed to not respond.  Because the moment I don't respond, regardless of what I may be doing, if LD feels I should have answered faster, she tells my manager I am unresponsive. 

At SKO, AOA explained to me that from an outsider's perspective, I was acting like a victim.  And I now have the awareness that I AM a victim.  People keep correcting me and telling me to say I'm a survivor, but I'm not, I'm a victim, asking for support and being denied it from every avenue.  I'm completely isolated, I do not have the support I need to survive, and I'm being invalidated and ignored at every turn.  I completely relate to people with suicidal ideation because my entire life has felt like this. I have never felt safe, I have never had anyone to depend on.  I've always taken care of myself, and I have done a poor job of it because I literally have never had anyone to teach me,  I needed that modeling and I have had so few opportunities because I'm constantly alone. 

I lost everything during the pandemic, I was in an abusive relationship, I was in fear for my life, aggravated by a global pandemic where people all around me were dying and I was immunocompromised with no car, no safety, no social support. I called the police and they invalidated my experience, and did not provide any support.  My landlord wouldn't change the locks, allowed my abuser to keep the key and have mail still be sent that he could "pick up any time" I didn't have a friend I could stay with, "friends" all turned a blind eye to what was going on because my abuser was FUN and I would often have my amygdala hijacked.  I've never had anyone listen to me about my trauma before, so I held it all in, because no one would hold space for me, and everyone told me the only person qualified to hold space for me was a therapist.  But all I needed was conversation, and if in talking, I could piece together some part of my past so that it didn't have power over me anymore, then that would be a beautiful thing – but I have no one in my life that has ever done that for me before. 

A partial vent to an ex friend that turned into awareness...

This is where everyone gets it wrong.  I'm not talking to A because I have low self-esteem.  Or whatever people assume, I don't understand...if I LITERALLY had ONE other person to talk to about intimate things, I wouldn't be asking him.  And the thing is, I DID ask him, and...he didn't hear the question. In that moment I reevaluated our entire relationship and recognized I was making a healthy choice for myself, but doesn't much help bc I was using him as one of my tools to mitigate the trauma. I tried a number of different ways to explain this, but you don't seem to get it, and it's frustrating, it makes me focus on the trauma, which is great, but it brings up the longing to connect with another human being on an intimate level...once I had the awareness that I've never once experienced that in my life, someone...a PERSON that actually cared about MY needs? 

Like you have friends that come to you for...or you have people you can go to when you don't know how to do something, you recognize that you don't have to be the expert in everything.  Here's the trigger.  That I've NEVER experienced that in MY ENTIRE LIFE and I'm aching to know what that feels like,...desperate, longing, that if ANYONE shows me the slightest bit of attention it's....intoxicating...it's the closest thing I have to being touched in some way, that there's a TETHER....a person that sees me...knows I have needs? 

I long to find someone curious about what those needs are, and wants to help me with them.  I want to know what that feels like.  When SCA hugged me, I felt....held.  I felt...I can't put it into words, because I can't remember it clearly.  I can't hold onto that memory because it's been too long since I felt that....that trauma I never healed from.  And so I thought to write him.  Tell him how I felt.  But to do that, I would need to put it into words, and there was a block there, I didn't know what it was, but something....I kept starting the letters over and over...I have no conscious awareness of what they say, and don't have the capacity to do that right now. 

Getting to the heart of the current trauma and need to just put this here.

You take away my worth and power.

L consistently wants to talk to me "about how I'm doing" when my nervous system is stuck in a sympathetic response,  which is an an autonomic reaction and instead of respecting me enough to allow me to work through it, she pits me up against my greatest fears when I'm already in a mindset that I feel helpless to change my situation, which is aggravated by the fact she will not allow me to get out of survival mode long enough to thrive here.  When I ask for the simple solutions I have come up with to allow me to feel success, she threatens to remove everything I have that gives me confidence and makes me feel like I am adding value. 

I was not consciously aware of what I said, but I know I shared that I felt I was in a toxic workplace condition that was triggering my disability, the way she has to find something wrong all the time, and the amount of strain it takes to try to anticipate what she might get upset about, that I'd work around the clock past the state of exhaustion trying to anticipate her every need, and make sure I' was responsive on Sundays? and at 5am? more than once, and ONLY when I was doing something that didn't directly involve her.  When I do things that give me a sense of autonomy she threatens to take them away from me.  To the point I'm afraid to do 50% of the job I was hired to do.  And I try explaining this to my manager, and she tells me the only part of my job that matters is making L happy.

I cannot do that job, she tells me then I have to make a choice, I can be office manager or I can be L's admin, but I can't do both.  I don't understand my options, one has me out of a job at the end of the year and the other has be trapped with my abuser.  I don't understand why that's the only option being considered.  but that's just the problem, she doesn't like me.  She doesn't like anything about me.  I know from the way she treats me.  She says she invites me to her team meetings so now I'm hypervigilant about taking notes.  I ask, can I record them, I really am afraid I'm going to miss something, recalling the time she was displeased I couldn't catch any of the numbers fast enough, so I left them out.  Which K said was perfectly fine and she said absolutely not, and I just had to pay better attention.  So each Tuesday, I'm in tears when I'm either too tired, or have a headache or processing because all of my symptoms are exacerbated when I'm dysregulated, and I'm never not dysregulated to the point I now have chronic stress and inflammation to the point my immune system is compromised.  So now I'm in a panic how to get my health under control when I can't get away from her?

L would only ever talk to me once my amygdala was hijacked, so like this woman that absolutely hates emotions, and I mean I'm not judging her for it I just don't have a word for it, she only ever calls me when I'm sobbing hysterical over something and then I'm trying so hard not to and I can't even think straight and she's asking me questions and I get so dysregulated that I can't even think and I start to panic and then like I'm stuck in this trauma loop.

And I know the accommodations I need, I know they're reasonable, I keep asking for them, but because these neurotypical people decide for me that it's not necessary, they won't even listen to me asking for them they just dismiss it.  L keeps telling me I'm too sensitive, and I just can't handle that she's too direct.  I feel Completely helpless. Because no one will validate what I'm saying, they all say it's me even E who was Supposed to be advocating for me.  I told her all of this and she told me it was my fault because I talked about L at SKO.
And I couldn't understand how, because I don't know what I might have said when my amygdala was being hijacked. It was the first time in three years I had ever even been around other people in public.

I literally risked my immunocompromised condition for the opportunity to be able to work an event, because I had felt so chronically isolated that I was losing my mind. And all I was asking for was to be allowed to hang out with other people, that I felt connections with not like going to happy hours – but a real, genuine, authentic connection to my colleagues. 

 :bighug: to you Erieanne if okay

The more things change, the more they remain the same.  I wrote this in October 2019...I feel like I haven't learned how to self-sooth, regulate, or have confidence when I'm talking to people that I don't understand. I still feel like a trapped kid trying to survive in a world that wasn't set up for me to live.  I am still in this space, just struggling and not getting the support I need. 


Nothing has really changed.  I haven't made any progress or gotten out of my funk, if anything, it's getting worse.  I haven't read any of the books I said I was going to read, I haven't been able to find a job, I didn't even get a follow up regarding that study.  I just don't know how to get out of this overwhelming depression.  Everything makes me cry, even people that mean well.  Like M, suggesting that I find a job at Costco or Sam's club.  Or S, that sent me a list of all the "best companies to work for" and I looked through the list and was like, oh yeah, those are all the companies I couldn't even get an interview at, just an instant rejection letter after applying.  Which reminded me of when I was a teacher, none of the "good" schools were interested in hiring me, just the crappy poverty poor neighborhood schools.  But somehow M has it in her head that things were fine for me when I was a teacher and only got hard for me when I left teaching. 

I hate how poor my health is, how poor my posture is, how deflated I feel all the time.  At this point, I feel as if I'm coming across as angry and defensive, so I haven't been applying to any new jobs.  A recruiter called me up the other day, asking if I want a 4 month temp job that is literally in the building that (the last job that fired me) is in, so I'd for sure run into all of them at some point in the elevator, but I was like, whatever, sure...and then she called back to complain that my resume doesn't have dates on it, and I need to provide dates, I told her I couldn't, I physically was not in front of my computer, and wouldn't be again before end of business, and she's like, well if it's too much of a hassle for you...and I was like, it's NOT a hassle, I literally cannot get that to you, there is no way, so I did, late at night and she just said "thanks" in response, but when I asked, "does this mean it was submitted, or are you passing on submitting it?" she hasn't responded.  (update, I still haven't heard from her and I wrote this in December).  Nor has the recruiter that got me that stupid temp job I hated and stayed at for 6 months.  I wrote her and said, "I agreed to represent (temp agency) for the temp admin assignment.  I haven't heard from you since it ended.  Perhaps you've been busy and I've just slipped through the cracks, but I'm hoping that with the new year approaching you'll have new opportunities for me." yeah, no response.  I mean, whatever. 

I f-ing hate recruiters and they always lie and set me up to do these menial jobs but then won't ever follow up.  There are so few that consider me worth working with to actually be an advocate for me in finding a job.  So then I just start thinking that I'm completely unhireable.  I get so many rejection letters a day, and it seems the momentum I had a few months ago when I made it to the final 2, and they chose the other candidate? It's all just been downhill from there.  Now I'm applying to jobs I can't even see myself happy at.  (I've literally applied to almost 100 jobs since the new year, like literally the past 2 weeks).

I keep thinking of the questions they ask that I don't understand how to answer, like the "how do I" questions.  How do I maintain confidentiality in the workplace? Um, by not ever talking about s** I read or hear?  How do I show I'm inclusive/diversified? Um, because I've always been the minority and I don't judge people? Like how do I f-ing even answer that? I just AM.  What do you want me to say, how am I not racist? *rolls eyes*  How do I anticipate a person's needs? I have no idea, it's intuition, it just comes naturally to me.  I've never thought much about HOW I do things, I just do it.  I also don't think about how sausages are made, ya know?  And I get it, I know WHY they are asking, but I wish I could get down to the, I know what you are asking and here's the answer you really want to know, but I feel broken, like I can't think, and I don't know, and I get so caught up in my own head I just give non-answers, so of COURSE no one is ever going to hire me again.  The only way at this point I'm going to get a job is if someone else gets offered the job, and they turn it down and I'm the consolation... Which by the way, is how I even got the job at (last temp job), the girl they did pick only lasted 4 days and walked out, so they picked me...consolation :(

And I know this is just sending all this negative thought into the universe so nothing is going to change until I change, but I just don't have anything left.  I've been running on empty so long I don't even know how to refill.  I just need to go through the motions of cleaning my house, doing stupid affirmations, trying meditation and yoga again...ugh. 

Kelsey's List
Suggestions of things we could do together to distract my panic. (Don't tell me what I need/should do - and listen when I say no to something)."

5. "For dissociative panic, remind me that this has happened before and this too shall pass! It always does, but it's scary when it's happening so maybe tell me some fun facts about me or our life together that will make me smile or laugh."

6. "Sips of water can be helpful but don't tell me I need to eat or drink because trust me like I'm going to vomit."

7. "Keep breathing with me!"

8. "If we can leave where we are - take me home!"

9. "Please be really really nice to me. I'm not feeling like myself and I'm embarrassed. Feeling guilty already for putting you through this so please don't get frustrated with me."

10. "Sometimes a really long big, loose, long hug will make me feel safe."

11. "Helping me breathe will be hard but so key!"

12. "If it's really bad - call my mum or sister or BFF on the phone for me!"

13. "Tell me not to fight it - rather, let it pass through me. The more I try to control it, or for you to try and control it, the worse it will be."

14. "Empathise with me! You may not get it, but you get me!"

15. "Once it passes (like hours later), open up a dialogue with me about it. How'd you do? What can we do next time?"

Since I don't have anyone to help me with this, it's going to be things I do for myself.  WHILE I'm panicking.  Fun. 

More from my old journal...with my current thoughts in italics...

If I forgive someone in my mind and let the emotions go that I have held onto, on some level they feel this and it opens the connection up.

Blocks

Chasing the carrot -> if this happens then I will be happy. This message is repeated a lot in the videos I see on finding happiness, I know I won't find happiness from external things, so I don't do this anyway
Pushing -> Sending all vibrations out instead of using your own energy to attract things to you. I wanted to do the work on changing my vibration so I no longer attract abusive people, but I'm drowning in these desperate feelings of isolation, so it's hard to not send vibrations out
Overthinking what you don't have - connect to the universe and it's limitless energy This is all I do, my brain has been wired for it...it's hard when I've been living with scarcity and in survival mode for most of my life, and gratitude brings up feelings of grief
Planning for every contingency, trying to do it all alone um, well yes...I DO have to plan for every contingency, because I've never had help...so I'm not TRYING to do it all alone, I'm literally all alone.
You're in the mood to bury the past behind you and start from a brand new place.  Come to terms w/a fresh perspective on life. hahahahha
Try to slow down and don't be filled with too much worry. I completely slowed down. I put myself on medical leave.  it's almost up and I am not even remotely equipped to handle going back to work, and the subsequent having my position eliminated.  How am I supposed to not worry?
Find your own sense of inner confidence.
Meditate.

The message that I'm getting over and over is that all I need can be found within.  If I still my mind, center myself and focus on my Daily Affirmations I can create a positive vibration and attract that which I most want.

Learn to consciously alight our behavior with something other than our feelings, so that we can act from our highest motivations and intentions consistently, regardless of how we feel.

We want to make enlightened decisions, but when strong feelings take us off track or when we simply lack the feeling of inspiration, we think we need to move us - we waver in our commitments. 

May I learn enough compassion, empathy, useful knowledge, integrity, love and trust in this lifetime that I may pass these skills on and be a catalyst for change, no matter how small.

Another thing is having that...

Confidence in yourself by thinking about different things in the past and how you've gotten through them.  That will help you see yourself as a resilient person. Also, try thinking about which parts of the stressor you can and can't control.  Focus your energy deliberately on parts you can control and find peace with the parts you can't.  Also being more self-compassionate, not beating yourself up so much and having a more unconditional acceptance of yourself rather than conditional - that you have to be perfect, or you have to be brilliant at everything.  That means letting go of perfectionism and challenging your self criticism.  Then you can try mindfulness, trying to get some distance.

Here's the problem with this.  I have been trying very hard to think about how I've gotten through things in the past, but every time I ask for help, people just casually mention my deepest fears, so it's kinda hard to remain confident - knowing I still haven't developed the skills I need to survive.  Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself, but they don't see that I've never experienced success, and I literally do not know what I need to do...how everything is out of my control, and I keep thinking if I only knew how to say and do the things that I need to do..that other ppl with better resources can stand up to these bullies and get me the protection I need, but I'm alone in this...so how am I supposed to just accept my own survival is not in my control? I've never once thought I needed to be "perfect" but I desperately want to not have to live in survival mode any more. This isn't a criticism, this is just a fact. Being mindful of these facts isn't...beneficial to my wellbeing.  Neither is pretending they don't exist.  I seriously don't know what to do and I haven't found any resources to help.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"
In order to succeed, we must first believe we can"
I have to make sure what I'm searching for I find in myself. 
Everything that you do to someone will eventually happen to you.  It's not about the things that happen to you thought, it's how you respond to them.
Every person in my life is there for a purpose, trust the universe and remember everything happens for a reason.  Change your ways when fear seizes, for it usually means you are doing something wrong. Great. So helpful, so living in fear means I'm living my life wrong...but I have never been modeled how to do it right, and I don't know how to do it any differently, because every time I choose something, it's wrong.

Daily Inspiration

If you feel called to a greater life than the one you are living right now, you are at the edge of a breakthrough.

What I know is that at the edge of breakthrough, you will always find challenging conditions and obstacles. 

Try this technique to accelerate your breakthroughs:

Soften to what is in your way and allow yourself to become bigger than that condition.

(This is the opposite of what we usually do, which is to become triggered and resistant to obstacles which makes us smaller.)

Consider what water does when it encounters stone.  it is so supple that it pools, and then just flows around and over it, even wearing away the stone itself.

Become as soft as that water, and as strong.  You'll discover that your life expands rapidly, increasing in wonderful ways that you haven't even imagined yet.

I've been realizing that the friendship I had with one individual has not been the friendship I've needed.  I don't know how to put it into words for anyone else to understand, and I wish someone would explain it to me.  I keep coming across posts about how I felt...here's one of them:

Pandemic Zoom Chat was small, and D made me do it even though I've expressed several times it's not what I want or need to be doing, I really just need to TALK to someone, and it seems that certain people do the bulk of talking, and others don't talk at all, or get talked over. I feel obligated to keep talking because I'm technically the "host" but I wish I could just sit in the corner and listen to the conversation, or hear how people are really doing...but I can't, because everyone just smiles and says they're fine, even when they aren't...and D says I have to do the same thing or people will feel awkward and not want to be our friends anymore....so after each call we have, I feel even MORE sad and alone, and I'm tired of it.

On that note, I reached out to N, and told her yet again how much I missed talking to them (she used to call me every day, but it was more, she'd call while she was doing other things or talking to other people, or driving, and so it was just sort of quiet company, but not really conversation? It's something I notice she does a lot (not just with me), and as I haven't had time to be her passive phone buddy, I got out of the habit, but I asked could we have just a phone call, or zoom call, I'd like to see you guys, or talk to everyone and hear how everyone is doing. She's all, sure, this weekend, and I'll invite you to B's school thing on YouTube, so I was looking forward to it. Saturday goes by, nothing. Sunday, she texts both D and I (well, messages on hangouts) and invites us to come hang out and stay in her camper next weekend. She says, "Our social circle is limited to my parents and my husband's parents and my sister's family so we are keeping things safe and small. We aren't going to visit any friends anywhere or going to any parties or hosting any parties or social events. I can't risk it with my heart condition so this is the way we will be probably for the foreseeable future." THAT'S 15 people! and all the places that those 15 people interact with and all the people they pass on a daily basis!! The F. I told her, "I appreciate the invite, but I don't think I can mentally or physically handle a weekend out of the house yet. I especially can't handle even the thought of getting into D's dad's jeep. Minimal social interaction for the past 80 days has been extremely challenging for me, and I'm not in a good place to be in person social for long stretches of time". She replied, "Ok just wanted to offer up the opportunity to escape from the city and stay somewhere different for a little bit. Offer also still stands if you want to come out and just not be social with us." Seriously? Not be social? sigh. "Thanks 🙂 A change of scenery isn't as needed as having someone to talk to these days. I've got so much work, being away from the house would just increase my anxiety" and she just said, "ok we are here when you are ready to venture out again and want to visit" So D says, "we'd love to do a zoom call or a normal call or something with you guys soon" and she doesn't look or respond to that comment. *shrug*

So why am I surprised 3 years later, when I have the same ask and I'm getting the same non-response? Why can't I get MY needs attuned to???

in 2020, I took a coursera course on Happiness, and here's my response...3 years later, my feelings have not budged. 

My own personal definition of well-being is having your basic fundamental needs met and adequate energy management. If a person cannot satisfy their basic needs - physiological, safety, community and belonging, esteem, self-confidence, acceptance, cognitive, aesthetic and finally meeting one's true potential - it dominates their interests and concerns.

If your focus is on making sure you still have the means to keep food on the table and a roof over your head, staying safe during this pandemic throughout continued natural disasters, systemic inequality and lack of inclusion, all without community and a support system in place, well-being seems like a far off dream.

As for energy management – If you are low on physical, mental, emotional and/or spiritual energy to begin with, it is incredibly difficult just to get through the day doing everything you can to ensure your basic needs are being met, let alone take the added time needed to complete the all the requirements daily.

On good days, it's easy to find things to be grateful for, work on something that would be considered a kindness for another, or try for the umpteenth time to maintain a social connection with friends and co-workers who are too busy or disinterested to respond, but on the bad days? There just aren't enough spoons.

I don't feel that taking the course has changed my belief system at all, and my definition of well-being still holds firm. I do like the accountability and check in portions of the course, but having the bonus work and interactions be on social media was a little contradictory.

Again, from 2020...


I was raised in an abusive household and suffer with a lot of childhood trauma/PTSD.  This triggered depression and anxiety - my first bad episode happened when I was 17.  I did not have the resources to get the help I needed, and have made modifications just to get through life.  I've talked to therapists occasionally, but most of them was just that, having someone to ask me how my week has been, but not to dive deep into dealing with these issues.  There are a lot of things that trigger me, and mostly I was just reacting to those, not responding. 

5 years ago I met someone who became my boyfriend, told me he was my other half, I was his puzzle piece.  We had our differences, but from hearing from other people in relationships, this is just how guys are sometimes, so I just have to complain about him to my girlfriends, but for the most part, he's great...until the pandemic. 

To give you a little backstory, this is what he told me: he was in a relationship for 10 years before the 5 with me.  The first 5 with her were great, and they got married, shortly after she developed bipolar disorder.  She did not want to get help or be medicated for it, and their next 5 years were terrible.  I feel he never fully healed from that, as he quickly started a relationship with me.   But put a pin in that, because at the time, I didn't realize.  We both lost our jobs, within a week of each other, and although I found temp work, he spent a year at home, mostly playing video games, chatting online, and reading reddit.  He's excellent at escaping whatever is stressing him out, not facing things and not dealing.  During our fights, he often would walk out to "cool off" but would never want to talk about things when he got home, it's like they just didn't exist. 

Throughout it all, I didn't know....I didn't have a healthy model for a relationship, I just knew we didn't "fight right" and I kept trying to get him to work on strategies to improve our relationship, which he would say OK to, but never do.  It was one of the things we fought about a lot. In fact, his biggest complaint was that we fought too much, and my biggest complaint was that I felt invisible and ignored, and he put me last.  I wanted to be seen, cherished, listened to...he wanted to play video games and not have to deal with things.  In February, we got into a car accident and his car was totaled.  He immediately was able to borrow his parents car.  In fact that's a theme with him, he's never really had to deal with consequences, he usually just has things work in his favor, so he doesn't have to try hard for anything. 

The pandemic brought up all the trauma for me that I wasn't aware of on a conscious level. The unemployed for a year (thankfully I found a job 3 weeks prior to lockdown AND managed to keep my job through a major round of layoffs).  But all this was stress that I couldn't handle...I'd ask him to talk to me, spend time with me, do an activity, and the more I asked, the more he shut down.  I was so wrapped up in my own trauma, I didn't realize I was triggering his.  He was defending himself the only way he knew how, by checking out.  He ended up meeting someone else online, and won't admit it to himself, but he's using her as some sort of fantasy relationship to make him feel good, or fix her where he couldn't fix me, or whatever is going on.  He absolutely cannot handle any confrontation about any matter, and lashes out at me with anger and controlling abuse when I try to discuss things.  The more I tried to talk, the more he avoided me and talked to her.  One really bad night, I responded in an unhealthy way that I wasn't conscious of, but had learned from the way my parents were with me, and his response was not to see a cry for help, but a reason to break up with me. 

He says he is hurt by what I've done, and makes me sleep in the spare bedroom.  He uses this as an excuse...

This was my perspective at the time...I need to work through the way it has evolved since then.

-------------------------------------------------
The relationship devolved into so much abuse after that point, and due to the workplace abuse I've just been barely surviving ever since. 

Trigger Warning...because this will trigger me to re-read it.

The other night we were going for a walk.  He suddenly runs diagonal across the street and makes a right.  I can't keep up with him and almost get hit by a car trying.  So I wait at the corner trying to figure out what to do and he just kept on walking away.  I wasn't in any condition to keep up with him and by the time the light was going to change I wouldn't have been able to find him.  I didn't know what to do.  I don't understand why he did that.  It's the second time he's just run off while we were going out.  So I was hurt and confused and decided to let him have space and clear his head and I just went home.  He came home and the first thing he said was, "why did you run off?"  Something inside me snapped.  I was like * are you even talking about.  Then he accuses me of gaslighting him.  I explained to him over and over that there was no way I could have walked off on him when He. Was. Ahead. Of .Me. He insists he saw me walking off to the library.  That we waited for me on the corner and assumed *I* was the one walking off.  That he was trying to be nice and surprise me with ices but that *I* ruined it. 

It doesn't help that my period is 2 weeks late, and in trying to talk to him about it, he just shut down more, tuned me out more, talked to other girls more...Every time I ask him to talk to me he asks why I can't go on my computer and find someone else to talk to like he's doing, why can't he see I'm falling apart?

I cried, "why are you trying to make me think I'm crazy???  And he ignored me and started chatting and laughing with another girl he's been chatting with.  He's been doing that a lot.  Intentionally ignoring me and either turning up the volume on the TV show he's watching with some other girl or putting on headphones every time I try to talk to him.  I get it, he's tired of being yelled at.  And I keep telling him I wouldn't have to yell if he'd stop treating me like I was invisible.   And all the while I'm trying to get through to him it suddenly dawns on me all of his behaviors...he's emotionally invested in these other girls he's been talking to.  I told him it all made sense now, why the second we were done having sex he'd pick up his phone and leave the room, why he spent so much time on his computer until he was sure I was asleep and then coming to bed and chatting to someone else....watching all these movies with someone else...I felt like a prostitute, I felt like maybe he wanted me to hurt, to be gone from his life, so he could be in peace with all these girls that make him so happy. 

...

I'm barely hanging on and I'm ashamed of my behavior.  I'm in a really dark place and I think because of it D and I are really breaking up this time.  I can't eat.  Sleep.  Function.  And it's my fault. But not 100% you know? Only he won't admit, not even to himself that his actions didn't help matters.  And he's only listening to people telling him to stay firm and stick to his guns bc I'm just manipulating him. I'm trying to explain to D how hard I'm trying to get help and please just give me time to get help pls don't give up on us.   He just says, "I don't know" in a way he's just waiting for me to get stable enough to tell me he doesn't want to save our relationship.  Like I'm pretending to get help to trick him into staying with me.  I think he thinks it's so easy like I'll just need one session and I'll be all fine or they'll put me on meds that'll solve everything. 

He's like, "I've waited for you to get better for 5 years, I can't take it anymore" And I'm trying so hard.  I can't help that I can't get my depression under control.  I'm even afraid if he hears me crying he'll think I'm doing it on purpose to manipulate him.  I don't know how to make him understand I can't control this.  I hate being this way!! Why don't I have f-ing resiliency??

When he came home from work, I just wanted to talk to him.  I missed him so much and he talked to me for a little bit.  He let me stay on the couch to watch a movie.  He was on his computer and it was nice just being in the same room without him looking at me like he hates me.  So when the movie was over, he was playing video games so went in the spare bedroom to watch another movie.  I keep hoping it'll help me sleep.  I haven't slept in days.  I keep picking movies I've previously fell asleep to, nothing is working. 

I thought maybe when he was going to bed he might just stop in and say goodnight.  He maybe was trying to be considerate because he thought I was asleep.  Or it could be because he's just going through the motions of being nice to me because he is still planning on breaking up with me for good.  He just says he doesn't know, and he's hurting too much too.

I'm trying to give him space and he said he'd be willing to listen to an unbiased perspective to explain to him about all the above,  He always seems to be so much more receptive to hearing the things I've been trying to explain when someone else tells him.  But he might say, well if this is our dynamic and it's that unhealthy we shouldn't stay together.  If he says he's not going to stop doing all the escapist activities every night to the point I'm constantly feeling ignored and invisible...and that I have to learn how to be ok with him only talking to other girls about his day and not ever willing to do anything with me at all, while also jumping through hoops trying to show him I'm "making progress", well then we really do just need to break up.  And it's breaking my heart + he won't go to therapy. 

He thinks numbing his feelings so he doesn't have to think about how much this hurts and creating a relationship with someone he's never even met yet is the key to working on us...so I'm working on me, and focusing on MY mental health, which is what I should have always done, had I known, or had the tools, or anyone took the time to model the correct behavior and not just take it for granted I should be able to figure it out with no resources. 

I have resources now, I have the perspective I should have had then, and this journal is a walk through that.

When I learn something for the first time and I want to talk to you about it you say, "oh yeah, I already knew about that" - it makes me feel unintelligent, but I'm realizing I just never had the opportunity to learn. You may think that's just an excuse, but would it help if you came with me to hear my test results.

Or do you think it's just an excuse for not trying hard enough? I thought the key was getting him to understand that this thing where I'm wired wrong, it is an illness/disability and I'm just now not only seeing it but actually fixing it. Meaning it seriously won't happen anymore.

This thing isn't my fault. Like an illness I'm getting better. So it won't be like it was, which is why you need to start over with me. You might think your perspective is "we've done this all before" - we haven't. We've said "oh, we can try" like last year when you left for NYC. You said you would try and your perspective is you really did try. But my perspective is the way we've been the past year. So it caused a toxic dynamic and again your perspective may be that bc we had a toxic relationship you think it should be over, but the point is we didn't. We fell into the same bad habits. And now that I'm aware of it. I can work towards fixing it. And I  have been for the past 3 weeks. Which you see over and over. Not because we are "friends" now and that justifies your idea that breaking up was a good thing but because I have the awareness of something I never learned before - just like the realization the history I leaned as inaccurate. So in my head you just need time to get there.

But then we have nights like tonight. Mixed signals aren't good - it's like you're trying to convince me I'm being paranoid or reading too much into it but you literally keep canceling plans for them.  You get so defensive and accuse me of spying. Stalking. Reading your computer.  Things are obvious to me, I assume they're obvious to everyone, but I'm just hyper-aware, always have been. Is it me seeing things that aren't there? That's what you want me to think, but your actions show otherwise. How are you a person capable of cheating?  Have you always been this way and I just didn't see?

I have facts, but I start to doubt my own memories of events when D has completely different memories. He tells himself a version of a story that isn't what's happening and he holds onto the belief of his version even when the facts stack up against him. His belief crumbles and he gets defensive and angry.

For the first time I have hope and my brain can't reconcile how you are not seeing it and excited and hopeful with me instead of reminding me "once you break up with someone that's it." All I can do is focus on me and pray for you. 

I am harder on myself than anyone you've ever met because I've always had to make modifications for myself and when I don't perform as well as expected, I've been told I am "not trying hard enough"

____________________________________________________________________

I want to talk to you about perspective.  When I get to the point that it hurts so bad I can't see anything except the hurt, I want to replace the hurt with a pain I can control.  In those moments, I'm telling you this is where I am mentally, thinking you would switch gears and be there to comfort me, but instead it drove you away. Through none of that did you compassionately tell me that you weren't in a place where you could help me.

so many times I've cried to you that I'm broken, that I hate being this way, that I am scared you're going to give up on me, and all those times could have been opportunities for you to say you know what, I don't know what the right thing to do is, but what can I do to help you get the help you need?  You say "every time" and you're tired of this and I get it, but if every time you did and said nothing, and followed it up with nothing, then it didn't count, make it count NOW, help me change the narrative.  I realize you're not equipped to help me, I never asked you for that.  The only thing I've asked you to do is be invested in my healing, pay attention to the work I've been doing, be supportive of my progress and compassionate when I have setbacks. 

 He's distancing himself from me more and more.  At first, he just didn't want me to sleep in our bed together, because he said he needed time to get over the hurt I caused him.  Well, that I can understand, but neither one of us were sleeping well apart.  But then I realized it was because he was staying up all night to binge watch TV shows he doesn't even want to see to chat with LH. The one he was "just testing out the Plex sync feature with" and how she's "just a friend and we mostly just talk about the tv show".  Except he calls her dear...so now I know when he calls me dear it doesn't mean anything. 

Then suddenly, he couldn't watch any of our shows together, because he needed to sit around and wait until L was ready...if she was doing something else, he'd literally sit in the bedroom with their TV show paused, waiting for her to be ready, and make up some excuse like, "oh I was just reading this article".  For 5 years you read articles through TV shows we were watching together, but you pay rapt attention to Veronica Mars??  He sits through boring movies that he'd literally never watch on his own, but over the years would use any excuse not to watch a movie with me. 

What's worse, he has started to blow off friends, just in case LH wanted to watch something, he'd suddenly develop stomach aches and bow out of plans with friends, forgetting about things he should be doing, even things I tried reminding him of several times.  So he's not being a good boyfriend, he's not being a good friend, he's not even being a good person right now. He hasn't paid rent in months, and keeps buying ridiculous amounts of things online.  Impulse buys...retail therapy.  Constant drinking and smoking pot to numb all this pain.  All for some girl in California.  Why?  Is he THAT insecure he needs to build a fake relationship with someone "interesting" instead of working on the relationship he's already in? He doesn't know.  He needs time, he needs space, he needs to keep being avoidant dismissive.

The other day he was on the couch talking to LH, so I went into our bedroom to watch a movie.  I wasn't feeling good.  He comes in, says he doesn't feel good either and was thinking about watching a movie with me, but thinking about making something to eat first.  I said, I was thinking about something to eat too, so how about I go make us something and he picks out something to watch.  I start cooking for us, and go in to see what show he's picked for us - oh, LH wants to watch Veronica Mars, so he's just going to do that.  Wait, I'm cooking for us while you watch tv with another girl, and essentially manipulate me out of our bedroom for another girl?

Then he found out I watched Downton Abbey without him, and was so sad...He didn't even like Downton, it was one of MY shows I made him watch.  I literally said to him, "the most hurtful thing I've done is watch a show without you, the most you've done is talk to another girl every day all day and night long" His response - I don't talk to her first thing in the morning, she's not up yet. 

Every time we get close to discussing anything of importance - him paying rent, us working out how to clean the house, discussing our relationship...he completely shuts down.  The most promising thing he said is maybe he'll get therapy once his insurance kicks in. But then clarified that he doesn't need therapy, it might just be nice to have someone to talk to aside from his friends. 

I pointed out if they only hear the side he's presenting, and leaving out my side, then they aren't getting the full story and are giving him faulty advice.  At least when I ask for advice I can own up to my part, he's in such deep denial he's convinced himself he's not doing anything wrong.  But then why do you have constant stomach aches D?  I can't get him to accept his perspective isn't real because he doubles down and holds on to his fantasy so hard when I point out a flaw in his logic he lashes out at me to protect it.  His defense mechanisms are protecting him from reality, so the more I make him feel bad (like when I start crying over some fresh new hurt I discover) the more he needs to talk to her to stroke his ego.  He might even actually believe there's nothing going on with her.  He keeps trying to make me feel paranoid about it, because he wants to believe he's faultless. He can't handle it otherwise.

Being as it's our non-aversary, I asked him if he could try to at least be present.  It meant a lot to me.  He said ok, but as we ran errands, it was immediately clear he was going to ignore me the entire day.  First, he  tells me that even though he agreed to take me to treatment, he changed his mind.  He can take me to some...most, but sometimes maybe it might be inconvenient for him and he won't want to.  He tells me this 30 minutes before my appointment, when it takes me an hour to walk.  I explained to him the importance of this, and how I may feel woozy or out of it after, because of the side effects, and he just doesn't care.  I guess Veronica Mars is an incredible tv show that means you may have to just blow off your other half.  Wow.  Then he suddenly says that he's going to take me.  Even though he just told me he might not.  Thanks for creating a stable environment for me to get better. He drove me to treatment, and literally got out of the car and walked away the second he parked.  I was like, where are you going? He just said, you can call me when you're done and I'll come back.  I ended up having to wait for him about 15 minutes after my appointment, just sitting on the sidewalk wondering if I was going to have to walk home after all.  He comes back all nice, and we go home for a bit, then I've got an appointment to get a new phone, which he also agreed to help me with a few months ago.  See, it takes him a few months after he says ok to something to actually do the thing, after being reminded about 20 times...such a catch ladies, I know you're all fighting over him at this point. 

Again, as soon as I get to the apple store he keeps on walking, without telling me where he's going or if he's coming back.  It's like he's purposefully triggering my anxiety by activating my abandonment issues, not once, but as many times as he can, and it's not even lunchtime yet.  Once we get to his parents house, he just lays down and immediately starts texting.  Says it's ok because it's not LH, it's another girl.  So that makes it better?  I tried being cool about it and ignoring him and going on with our day, but I ended up just blurting out to his mom that I couldn't take his abuse anymore, it was hurting me too bad and I wasn't going to be his Cinderella, doing his sewing, cleaning and cooking while he ignored me and talked to other girls in front of me.  So now I'm not allowed to see or talk to his family anymore. 

His perspective is that he was SO nice to be by taking me to the store and to my appointment and I gave him a hard time in front of his mom.  So he was angry, and as punishment he drove me home instead of to the party we were supposed to go to together.  I told him what he was doing was abusive and controlling and I didn't want him in the house until he calmed down.  He ended up going to the party without me and drinking so much they all wanted him to stay there for the night and not drive home....I've been with that D before, Halloween.  I should have realized then how bad his drinking problem was.  He insists he has no problems. 

I think what he thinks is that *I* am his only problem, as I am the only one who sees how he really is, underneath the facade he projects to his social media "friends" and all these girls he's been flirting with and starting relationships with, and all the dismissive, avoidant tendencies I put up with for so long.  He resents me for getting better, for being in a better head space, for seeing clearly.

I'm standing up to him now, and not being a doormat.  It's exhausting.  Trying to explain that I'm finally putting myself first and this isn't about HIM, this is about me and getting to a place where I can be comfortable in my own home.  We are at a standoff right now bc I made a point and he doesn't have a response, so he's got to sit in the living room and watch Veronica Mars on his computer while I watch a movie in the bedroom.  I'm pretty sure he'll plan another way to hurt me because of it, but I'm not the one cheating, I'm the one trying to get healthy, and if he doesn't want to be a part of that, I can't help him, I have to help myself. 

The good news is that relief only takes a very short time to manifest...but you must consciously seek it. You must go within and face the very energies your mind seeks to avoid by blaming others for how you are feeling.

Emotionally, we may unconsciously avoid opportunities that would move us forward in growing and reaping the benefits of our natural talents and abilities stemming from an unconscious belief of not being good enough.

Let go of what no longer serves you. Think about a situation that you would like to change. Perhaps it is a work or personal relationship that seems to bring up new frustrating situations over and over for you.

Feel for where in your body you feel the anger, frustration, hurt, etc. Close your eyes and let an image come to you for how you envision it. Recognize that this feeling is what has caused you to reach for a crutch, to blame the other person, to blame yourself or to avoid dealing with it entirely.  Here's the problem with that. I do not reach for a crutch, I do not like the word "blame" If I am alone, and I ask someone to help me feel NOT alone, and they decline - I am not *blaming* them, however, it is NOT my fault that I am alone and I'm trying to fix it but it is out of my control.  The only thing I can do is try not to feel that feeling, and this is telling me to sit in that feeling until the pain is too great and then I just need a distraction for a bit.  It's still not HEALING, and this is where I'm stuck.

Realize that as long as this energy exists within you that the same situations will continue to show up. Great, thanks. And also a great explanation of why I continuously get into relationships with people that are unavailable.  How do I GET RID OF THIS ENERGY?

Turn from this feeling for a moment and ask yourself, "What do I want to feel?" Then ask God or your angels or your Higher Self to allow you to feel that. I want to feel loved, cherished, cared for, attended to, I want to feel like I have someone I can depend on.  But there's just me, and everyone tells me that has to be enough, which is counter intuitive to all the "but humans are social creatures that are not meant to be in isolation"

Then just focus on feeling it. Close your eyes and tell yourself "I INTEND to feel peaceful in this situation and with this person." Then just focus on breathing in and out and allow yourself to feel it.

Do that for until you start to feel the relief of just focusing on feeling peace, love, safe, etc.

Now go back to where the negatively charged feeling is in your body and surround it with the feeling you've been practicing. Some people see this as light surrounding darkness.

Breathe into that darkness and tell it. I am ready to let you go and I now release you.

It may take you several breaths to exhale the darkness out of you. I like to use the image from "The Green Mile" seeing all of that come out of me while exhaling with the sound of "AHHHHHH...." like a loud, long sigh.

Be determined to move forward with your life, with your growth and be willing to face any darkness within you. You will have to face all of it eventually. I always think it's easier to face it proactively on my terms than wait for that energy to manifest a crisis for me to have to handle it then.

I had to be willing to forgive others by no longer being willing to hold onto the emotions I had attached to them and what they had "done" to me. I had to be willing to face up to the times I had exhibited less than perfect behavior and apologize to those I had projected my feelings on.

And I had to be willing to forgive myself.

 I don't like the person I am with you and I don't like the person you are without me.



My dreams were never going to come true with you. 



                Why did I waste so many years allowing myself to be held back by you? 

In real time...(from 2020)

So earlier D tried messing with my head again. He has this perspective, and no matter how many times I poke holes in his logic, given enough time, his recollection of the events hold fast to that skewed perspective. I understand this is honestly the reality he believes and must hold onto to protect himself, but if he could just step outside himself and see his behavior, just for one moment...and that's it right there. He can rationalize all he wants and paint me out to be the bad guy to justify the way he's been acting, just like my brother was convinced he never laid a hand (or fist or boot) on me and my ribs just must have spontaneously broke themselves. D has never, and probably will never be accepting of someone with a disability. All the warning signs were there. How he chalked up meltdowns to temper tantrums. How he was dismissive each time I tried to explain trauma to him. Or have him watch a video explaining in scientific ways what was wrong with my brain, my chemistry, my makeup. That I needed support and modeled behavior, when all he did was abandon me consistently and then berate me when I couldn't keep it together. I needed an adult, in a relationship built on compromise, not "it's either my way or I'll accuse you of being too demanding". or "I would have done that if you had just"...leaving me to be the responsible one, while you acted like a kid still in college. I needed a partner, someone who took my flaws to heart and helped to make me whole, not one who saw the control and power he could wield on someone fragile and insecure. His perception is that he was there for me countless times. Mine is that he checked out with any number of escapist methods, and even when he was in the same room with me, he was talking to someone...anyone else. The fact that he changed, started to hide things, started to lie...turned things around in anger and blamed me....then treated me like I was paranoid when the facts are plain in front of my eyes. Never once did we talk. He says we talked all the time, but only about topics he could handle. Any time he's faced with something that requires work or effort, he finds a loophole that lets him * around. He sees the parts of others relationships that justify the life he wants, yet he doesn't acknowledge the work people put into making it work. We would never have traveled, never had gone on a vacation, never even gone away for the weekend. No dinners, romantic or otherwise, no surprises. No making Easter special, or valentine's or my birthday. No effort put into us, into himself, into me. Into making me feel special, making me feel loved, making me feel wanted. I'm sure he thought he tried, but he only did as much as he wanted, never what I needed. He may not be capable, or have the maturity. He might not ever be more than he is now, and I've moved past that. He was fine keeping me down at his level where it was convenient, When I "behaved" when I stayed in line. Let him take the spotlight, never had a voice for myself. He never encouraged me to want more, to be more, just liked me insecure and that's why he'd punish me, trigger my abandonment issues, knowing they were a dealbreaker for me, knowing what it pushed me to, what it triggered. Then, when he had already checked out months ago, moved on to someone new, someone "interesting" someone that wasn't me... my biggest problem was when I would fight or say things that weren't nice, he would then go and have a conversation with her, where she was very nice and sweet and didn't upset him. I learned I had to stop doing anything that would make it so going to her was more pleasant than being around me. But even after those times, he would quickly run to her, leaving me abandoned and alone. Any time there was a negative interaction she got the upper hand. Every time we had a positive interaction, he'd compartmentalize it and go to her. I became nothing. D equates downloading a show for me on Plex as "being there" or laying next to me whilst talking to another girl "spending time with me" When I got upset, it was MY problem, MY issue. When I begged him to do an activity with me, even if it's just sitting on the couch near me when I sewed his sweatshirt for him, or reading a book, while I'm reading a completely different book. I tried various things, but the more I tried, the more he shut down...the more I unraveled. I'm told by everyone that I'm reacting normally to an overwhelming situation, yet for him, his perspective, it was just too much. My perspective was him putting me last. Not reading my texts but jumping any time someone commented on one of his posts, or boys chat had something to say, and now any time his trifecta of girls messages him, or wants him for something...he needs to feel wanted, and I didn't make him feel that. I made him feel as if he as failing me, because his perspective was that he just forgot, and why did I get so upset, what was the big deal, it's not a big deal for him, I'm just overreacting, so he'll be dismissive and I'll just get over it. Over and over again. When I'd go through the list of times he had the choice of stepping up and being there, he'd more often than not choose not to take it. Too much effort, is how I felt. I'd TELL him how I felt....his great opportunity to say, your perception is skewed, let me clarify for you. COUNTLESS times, just TELL me if I say something that bothers you, if I do something that upsets you, how else am I supposed to know, I DON'T know, can't know, I have no frame of reference for this, and you aren't filling in the blanks, the ones that need filling....the ones that will diffuse the situation. And even now that you see, all the missteps, all the course correction, you just hold on to that initial story you tell yourself, so you can rationalize your continued dismissive avoidant behavior where it's safe for you to do you, and put yourself first. That's not a friend, boyfriend, partner....what is that?

SERIOUS TRIGGER CONTENT WARNING


You never took the time to really get to know me, and it's your loss.  You have no idea what you are giving away, because you never took the time to talk to me, to ask me stories, to be INTERESTED in my life.  Even now you're making this about you.  You think everything is fine and you're oblivious to what is, why I'm upset, why I want you to move out.

I need to learn restraint.  When I would fight or say things that weren't nice he would then go and have a conversation with her, where she was nice and sweet and didn't upset him.  Recognize that any time we have a negative interaction, she gains the upper hand.  Stop and breathe before saying an upset thing.  Recognize it's ok not to say anything and if you get asked to respond "I just need a moment to think" 

But this didn't work because he'd just push and push and push until I snapped. I'd even say, ok, are you happy? You got a reaction from me, you can stop now.  It got to the point where he was gaslighting me with every interaction to the point I'd tell him to just stop speaking verbally to me, if he needed something he needed to write it down.  Because you can't gaslight words that are written. 

It's going to be a process of deciding what you want, given what you have available in yourself and in him.  The path that he is choosing is not one that I want and it sucks.

D has no awareness, and I think that's the most difficult to reconcile. He craves someone who can make him feel big, who can boost his ego, and I'm obviously not going to be that person for him. I need the things I got tonight, someone I could spend over an hour talking to who is legitimately interested in what I have to say and is willing to discourse with me. I can only capture D's attention for brief fragments of time, before something or someone (in this case Lorelai) distract him. He compartmentalizes so hard that even though he's craving my touch, my attention, as soon as he gets her text, it's like a switch is flipped and he's like, "OK" and turns on the tv. And because I'm like, ok, enjoy, he thinks, oh good, she's fine with this, she's moved on too. He can't grasp that for me, each time, this is killing me. HE who was my other half, my puzzle piece, who suddenly isn't. He isn't MINE, and he can't grasp how that is tearing me apart. I'm in here spilling my heart out to you and he comes in, completely oblivious that what he's doing is cruel, his brain isn't even allowing him the awareness that a human being shouldn't treat another human being that they claimed to have loved for 5 years this way, showing off the buttons he got for his phone, or his newest knife, and then literally in the same moment he's sharing with me, he switches off and he's back to her. Or Kimi. And he can't see?? WHY CAN"T HE SEE???? This is just cruel. But his rationalization of the situation makes him blameless. The unreasonable way that even though he's the one that has ended things, he won't let me sleep in the bedroom, he won't move into the spare bedroom, he isn't even doing it to hurt me, he actually feels he's justifiably in the right. He denies that he's doing anything with Kimi, but I think she'd be devastated if she knew. He has absolutely no empathy, no emotions this entire time. He shows it in the way he blankly looks at me and can't figure out why I'm crying. He can't piece together the correlation between my insomnia, nightmares, broken heart have ANYTHING to do with his current behaviors. That the best thing he could do for me, if he truly wanted us to be over, is MOVE ON, MOVE OUT, let me heal!!!! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME HEAL!? Why won't you have ANY sympathy that my father just died!!! Have you always been this dead inside, or was this triggered by my trauma? Why can't you see you need help? But you can't, and you won't, and you might not ever. I keep thinking that one day you'll come back to me, but other times, I realize they are giving you what you couldn't get for me, and ultimately, we aren't right for each other after all. Through no fault of your own, I've allowed you to hold me back. I've allowed you to be in control, to control me, to not allow me to have a say, a say in my safety, a say in what we did, how we did it, where we went, how long we stayed. You had no idea the detrimental effect you had on my sanity by constantly triggering me for years. And I don't deserve to be continuously treated that way. I deserve someone who is willing to cherish me, someone who wants to heal the parts of themselves that are broken, so they don't continue a cycle of abuse. Someone that once they realize the harm they are doing, take steps to STOP doing the thing, not someone who seems to almost willfully do it to keep me broken. Because even if you're just lashing out in self defense because you think that I'm hurting YOU, this isn't healthy for either one of us, not when you refuse to hear me, or understand that I've never done anything to you intentionally hurtful, and most of my learned behaviors weren't acknowledged, even though I've directly ASKED for you to communicate with me. I need a partner who is willing to be mindful, be aware, be willing to better themselves, not someone who does the bare minimum but puts on a good facade and is so insecure he needs to have constant praise without actually putting in any of the work. I know you resent me because I am the only thing that puts a hole in your facade, and you like to write me off like I'm crazy, or I don't know what I'm talking about, but M knows...she's seen. J too, and you can't stand that people can see the real you, so you run to people that don't actually know you. That way you can be whomever you want them to think you are, and they don't know any better. So of course, now you have this new found confidence, but it's only a matter of time....you can't be a mask to the entire world without losing your sense of self. And I'm finding mine. So we aren't in the same place anymore. We may never be again. If you think we could be, I will give you this to read, and we'll see if you still want to do the work. The funny thing about it, it's not even like it's HER, because I wonder if she knew how many times he gets up and walks away while they are "watching something" together. Or how many times he's turned the volume down because we are having a conversation. And it's like, why can't you simply say, hey, I'm not going to do this tonight, I'm going to "watch hamilton with my GF" or hey, I want to watch something with someone else tonight....and that's how I realized how very long this has been going on, just now it's escalated, because now you don't see how it's not ok, becuase you've just said the words that negates any responsiblity you have for my feelings. I'm sorry I didn't realize how you were hurting, but I can't get you the help you need unless you're willing to see you need it, and right now you're just resenting me. Another perfect example of how we are no good for each other, is you need for me to say how cool your lighter is, because of your need to impress, however, because of my issues with money, all it does it trigger the stress and insecurity...I've TOLD you the stories, how my grandfather, in a moment of lucidity confided in me that he should have made more money in his lifetime, becuase if he had, he wouldn't have ended up in such a depressing place, he would have been able to afford better care. My dad expressed the same sentiment, how you need to work hard, and make as much money as you can, and then my mom wasted it all....I see what you do as a mirror of that and it SCARES me, I needed financial security, and when we were both unemployed for a year, the fact you were still spending outrageous amounts of money terrified me. Instead of understanding this was one of my triggers, you ignored, dismissed, even aggravated this fear, because you felt criticised, hurt, judged....instead of seeing it for what it really was, instead of being able to talk to me in a way that made me NOT worry about the future. Even now, spending hundreds of dollars and rationalizing it, still triggers me, and you aren't empathetic, and you may never be.

What I need for everyone to understand is, I was socially horribly isolated before I started dating this individual.  I was terrified if I couldn't make it work with him, I would lose all the people in my life and go back to being chronically isolated.  It was my biggest fear.  It is so horribly painful to live this existence devoid of human connection.  That I overlooked that he wasn't offering me that, I just kept being told it was something *I* was doing wrong. I was too depressed, I was too anxious, I wasn't trying hard enough, I was too sensitive, I was too ugly, too weird, too worthless, too much.  I have NEVER been told I am ok, just the way I am.  Not by my parents, not by my friends, not by my teachers, not by my classmates, not by my managers, not by my boyfriend. I didn't even KNOW this was a thing.  I had never experienced it. I saw OTHER people have the relationships I wanted, and I just though, If I was...smarter, prettier, funnier, easier to be with, then all these people would want to be around me. 

Being over someone else's house, and having them be surrounded by family, friends, have christmas cards that fill up a wall...have sooo many connections....and my entire life I've felt like the little match girl.  Because even the people that do take me in do it conditionally.  And at that point in my life it was, You are invited because you are with him. Once you aren't with him, we will welcome the next one. I was always hypervigilant for the next one.  He would always tell me he didn't want to marry me, but he didn't want to break up with me YET.  Things were fine, FOR NOW.  So I never developed any sense of security and I couldn't figure out why.  And I knew if I couldn't figure it out, I'd spend the rest of my life alone.  I was so desperate to not be alone. 

After a while, he started actively abusing me.  I was terrified of him.  So I'd pretend I wasn't, I pretended I was so interested in him, I was attracted to him, I wanted him to teach me things....because he was always drunk and high and kept buying knives...and then he bought a gun.  And I was terrified he'd just be aiming at the door one day, and I'd walk past, or need to go to the bathroom and he'd shoot me, and I'd end up in a dumpster and no one would even care.


And how many people would say, omgs that's horrible, I'd care.  Except...these are the same people I've been reaching out to for the past two months and said, I'm not doing well. Can you please show up for me? And can't understand why I'm reacting the way I do.  Abandoned by everyone.  About to lose my job.
Reduced to a life where the only human contact I have is with words on a screen. 

I am not saying I am not grateful for everyone who is showing up.  Everyone who is leaving me hugs and support and letting me know I'm not alone.  But I'm about to lose my job because I do not have the right way to fight.  I am a traumatized, abused woman who has never known support, been abandoned by her family of origin, and all the people she currently assumed were "family".  I've had to do the work of trying to make NEW friends, all while processing all that is happening around me and all of it is out of my control...but wouldn't be if I had resources and support. It is too hard for me to advocate for myself under these conditions and KNOW the right way to navigate HR to convince them I deserve psychological safety and a place where I won't feel like I'm dying...but I've never had a job experience that wasn't like this....and didn't end up like this....and I'm so used to not having anyone defend me...and I desperately want a chance to live before it's too late.

Those feelings....the desperation to figure out a way to make the relationship work so I wouldn't lose my social support...is everything in that moment I anticipated happening...and what I'm experiencing now.  So now, I'm having those same feelings knowing once again what is about to happen.  It's always been like this, my Cassandra complex.  Seeing, I'm about to lose my job, and I don't know what to do.  I need to finish processing the work anecdotal records, but the trauma associated with that is too fresh, so every time I try I get.....I figured I'd spend the day processing 3 year old trauma instead.  Thank you to everyone that held space for me during this time.

Diversity Lecture: John Cacioppo on Loneliness and Brain Health

I mentioned the other day I had a Feely talk about this lecture...it went well...we started sharing parts that stood out to us, but since it was FOR me, I got to lead the conversation and we veered directly into the issues I was having at work and how hard it was for me since I have been so isolated...we really didn't go "dark" and it's ok, because I felt supported.  But....the parts of the lecture that bothered me most:

it's an existential concern that's very real to them-- is that they will pass and no one will even know that they died, and their body will rot with no one discovering it for months. For those individuals, any connection is better than none.  Happily, that level of loneliness, most of us don't have to deal with.

Happily.  He said.   :fallingbricks:

Here are the other parts of the lecture that I took notes on:

I listened to this whole thing and took notes.  https://youtu.be/5k0TXwL_5u0

Imagine a condition that:

×         makes a person prickly, depressed, and self-centered This is where I started, just this one line. I do not feel prickly, depressed, or self centered.  Anyone who reads this journal knows how I feel...but I'm terrified I will end up this way, I've been alone for so long

×         affects approximately 1 in 3 people in America

×         affects 1 in 12 people chronically, and

×         is associated with a 26% increase in the odds of premature mortality.

×         The condition is typically reversible but common-sense solutions are not helpful.

×         The effects are not attributable to some characterological peculiarity of those affected by the condition, but rather are due to the effects of the condition on you and me and everyday people.

×         Income, gender, ethnicity, education, and age are not protective, and the condition is contagious.



There is such a condition. I've just described you the condition of loneliness.

That's not how the public thinks about this condition today. It was thought to be an aversive state with no redeeming features; barely different than depression, or being alone, or introversion, or neuroticism. This is how I've been made to feel. I'm neurotic. I'm an introvert.  I'm depressed.  It's what I've been diagnosed with, when all this time it was ISOLATION

We know all of these are incorrect now.  Lonely individuals differ in loneliness, social support, shyness, social skills, anger, anxiety, self-esteem, fear of being negatively evaluated, optimism, and mood.

Loneliness isn't "those people"- it's you and me when we feel isolated from others around us - not when we are isolated. The correlation between whether you're isolated or whether you feel lonely is .19, when we feel isolated around others, our personality changes.

Loneliness, like physical pain, is ancient, it's atypical, and it's functionally adaptive as a temporary condition. Physical pain evolved as an aversive signal that indicated you were doing damage to your physical body.

Loneliness is an inverse of pain that calls your attention to another need - the integrity of your social body, which we also need, as social animals – "We need others to survive and prosper in this world" - Helen Keller.

We need these healthy relationships with others where we engage in mutual benefit. Without those, we're more likely to be subject to selfishness on the part of others and then of course were left to that.

Loneliness is not only sad, it's a dangerous condition for a social animal.  Loneliness triggers changes in brain state and behavior, and, a subset, it changes our consciousness. We become aware of this aversiveness, we feel bad.  Those are the two most salient things that it does to our consciousness. That's just the tip of the iceberg of what it really does.  Feelings of loneliness are analogous to hunger, thirst and pain and motivates attention.  It leads to an increase in vigilance for social threats and self-centeredness.  The neural, hormonal, cellular and molecular adjustments promote short-term survival but have long-term costs.  To give you a sense in which you're attending to these processes, not only are you unaware, you can't stop it.  When you become lonely, your brain pays special attention to negative social events, negative social stimuli.

In looking at non-lonely and lonely brains at rest, what we see is the connectivity in that resting brain's alertness attentional network-- it's the frontal region and the lateral region--it's called the opercular-- "cingulo-opecular network"-- is on high alert, compared to non-lonely.

So you're not doing anything, but if you're lonely, it's attending, it's looking, it's surveying. The blue nodes are a self-regulation network, and that goes down when you're lonely. Why? If you're in a crisis situation, that's a bad time to learn, that's a good time to do what you already know... and that's basically low self-regulation.

You're going with what's called the "dominant response," the over-learned response, the impulsive response. So self-regulation is lower, and the network is diminished even at rest.  Is this why I don't feel hunger anymore? Why I have a sensory processing disorder? I don't disassociate, I just think my nervous system has had enough and it's just...stopped functioning

in the lonely brain, looking at a negative social picture, controlling for this, that visual cortex is particularly active.

Loneliness, increases inflammation.  Inflammation in the brain can be a very deadly process. It increases your likelihood of dementia and death. This is something else I'm terrified....Alzheimer's with no social support.  Ending up in a nursing home staring at a wall for twenty years...trapped inside my own head with no one to talk to....but that's the life I'm living now.  Is this literally all I'll ever experience in my life?

When you become lonely, the brain triggers five different sets of pathways.

It decreases sleep salubrity. You have more micro-awakenings, you have less slow-wave sleep. This explains my insomnia

You get dysregulated hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal cortical activation - your stress hormones get juiced, because you might be exposed to a stressor - without others to help you, you need to be ready. This is why I react, and not respond

"Selective sympathetic onus"-- the "fight or flight" response, it changes selectively in a way that impacts your blood pressure, your resistance, and gene expression.

Transcriptome dynamics - You have about 2,500 genes, but they're not all turned on. Which ones are turned on and off depends partly on your developmental history, including your feeling of isolation or loneliness. When you feel that you don't have safe relationships, your brain and body, including the genes that are being turned on, start to mobilize so that if a challenge arises, or a pathogen arises, you are able to defend against that. One of the things it does is to increase inflammation in case you incur an injury. Viral protection goes down in loneliness. And they aren't giving out any boosters, and they aren't enforcing the use of masks, and they are dismantling all the....stuff they had in place because the immunocompromised and disabled are an acceptable loss - I am just a drain on society.  I have no value.  I serve no purpose....and how am I supposed to believe otherwise?  No one has ever made me feel otherwise.  Just me.  My lone voice in the dark reminding me of how much I've been through and I'm STILL advocating for myself, even though it's  not getting me anywhere.  I've survived all of these days so far, and I'll just keep going...but knowing what's to come....and all of this evidence of what is to come after THAT?  And ALL of this is largely out of my control??  Really unfair hand I've been dealt by the universe.  I used to think I was cursed.  I must have really accumulated from * karma in a past life

Loneliness is causal. So let me just bring this to a summary really quickly.

So what kind of interventions work?

The most obvious is they're lonely, put them with other people.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work. If you're lonely and your brain has gone to a slightly more defensive, prickly stance, the worst thing to do is to interact with another lonely person, who's prickly and defensive, because the two of you, after a while, don't like each other.

If people have terrible social skills, yes, they're more likely to be lonely. When you look at the population at large, social skills are not the problem.  They have good social skills. When you get lonely, you think about yourself, not others.  You will show poor social skills. When people feel lonely--they SHOWED poor social skills. They did not HAVE poor social skills. They showed poor social skills because they weren't thinking of others. So the training is training them something they can already do.  I don't really agree with this part here.  He seems to imply (more than once) that isolated people are selfish and trust me, it isn't because I'm not thinking about others that I have no social skills.

Social support. It's not about being with others. It's about being with others you want to be with.

Social cognition. This is actually the right approach and the research was fairly sparse, but it looked like there is this notion that digital connections are substitutable. If a child falls and scrapes its knee, texts will not make the child feel nearly as well as if the friend or parent is there to pick the child up. We are wired in that fashion.

There is a post I have had tabbed on my computer, so I want to jot it down here, because it resonated with me so strongly

Things I struggled with in the early days of grief:

Not having anyone to listen.

Since I couldn't talk to them, I wanted to talk about them. Sadly, I didn't have people around who could listen.  And when I did, it made them uncomfortable.

Wondering if I was tired, lazy or unproductive.

I didn't know how exhausting grief was.  When I didn't do much, I felt lazy.  I wanted to do more, but I didn't have the mental, physical, and emotional capacity to.

Zoning out. 

Concentrating felt impossible.  I had to fight hard to pay attention, be present, and engage with others. Often, this required a lot of effort and left me feeling mentally exhausted. 

Distrusting of faith, prayer and well wishes.

I wanted to believe spirituality worked, but I was skeptical.  I was tired of people who hadn't experienced what I had make faith seem easy as I lived an unfavorable outcome.

Irritable.

I was mad and I didn't always know why or at whom. Then, I'd get frustrated that I was frustrated.  This left me wanting support from others, and also not wanting to be around anyone.

Reading.

A once avid reader, reading page after page was hard.  My concentration was also down.  I found reading music challenging too, so the struggle extended beyond words. 

Remembering. 

It was hard recalling stuff the first few years after my loss, even important things.  I used to tell people, "you can't remind me too much."  It wasn't that I didn't care, but my mind was too consumed with processing the loss. 

This is my frustration when someone says, "I've already seen how much you've grown" because I wrote this in 2020, and might as well have written it today.  what's changed since the day I wrote this?  There really hasn't been growth. 

I see things in my past that trigger current events. I feel if I dissect everything until I can heal from it...like, if I explain to you, the reason I respond like this to this is because xyz happened in the past and made me feel like this then, so when it happens now it brings up all those old feelings - what do I DO about those feelings so they have no power over me now?

I have had a very distorted view of myself, for the entirety of my life, caused by being born into a toxic environment that skewed my understanding of acceptable behavior.  By the time I got to college, I was so beaten down, I didn't know who I was, who I wanted to be, or what made me happy, all I knew is to put my own feelings aside and attempt to make others happy, do for others, be what other people wanted me to be and cry out in anguish when I was feeling a disconnect between the authentic self hidden underneath and how I was allowing myself to be treated by others.  I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, I thought if I made my needs clear then there shouldn't be any misunderstandings, but time and time again there were, and it led to more and more disconnect, hiding who I wanted to be in favor of who others told me I was. 

I allowed my fears to get the better of me, and to stay with people who manipulated those fears in a way that mirrored my controlled and toxic childhood. The saddest part of all of this, I was not conscious of any of this going on, because I didn't have a model for any alternative, I just assumed this was what life was, and the more I fought against it, the more discontented I became, I assumed I just needed to allow these things to happen without complaint, so I could find happiness. 

I wasn't aware that my behavior, and the way I talked to myself in my own head were perpetuating a cycle of negativity that affected the way I spoke out loud, the way I presented myself...the way I continuously allowed myself to be treated, and I would find myself in situations that I didn't have the understanding to get out of in a way that didn't destroy everything in its wake. 

I lost myself in my attempt to be the person I thought would be more likeable, one who would fit in, get along, succeed, but there was always something off and I didn't see what it was.  I felt everyone around me could see it, and they were all waiting for me to figure it out, but I couldn't and for that I couldn't forgive myself.  I spoke to myself in my head the way the people who didn't have my best interests at heart spoke to me, people that for whatever reason could not see the damage they inflicted, perhaps due to their own pain. 

Most people feel the same way today as they felt yesterday.  Their bodies seek to recreate the same emotional state - which has become your homeostasis.  In order to become a new person and create a new future - you need to act in ways that produce new emotions, and strategically generate the emotions you seek to feel.

Top 4 needs - to have peace, to be heard, to be loved, to be accepted.  These have been my goals/needs for as long as I can remember, however when I try to insist? I receive these from another person, I am told things like I'm acting "co-dependent" which I never understand.  Coupled with a lot of the YouTube videos that discuss c-ptsd as having issues with co-dependency.
Is it really that wrong to not want to have to do EVERYTHING for yourself, but to depend on another person to help out occasionally?

I came across this one bit: I asked D about 3 different ways today that I was feeling upset, and I wanted to do an activity with him to get out of my own head.  He's spent all day in the living room playing video games and chatting with his friends.  I eventually brought him lunch to which he thanked me and ate, and he hasn't said one word to me since.  I might as well be living by myself.  I can't get him to understand what it's like for me and he almost intentionally finds loopholes to get out of actually understanding me.  I tried talking to AV and she just thinks I'm pessimistic and literally everyone I know is over being in quarantine and acting like everything is fine.

I've tried to get him to understand why I have issues with money/security.  There are moments where he acts like he gets it, or at least he's listening, but then he reverts back to this....unfeeling, uncaring "what does this have to do with me" individual that makes it so hard for me...
I delegate something to him, and without doing it, he finds a way to lob it back to my court, and with all common sense decides this is something I need to work on. When I say I need his help, he doesn't get it, and he's right, I shouldn't need his help, but it's triggering, and it'll put me in a bad head space, so in order to keep...going? I avoid doing stuff I know that will trigger me, which means I'm not growing.
_______________________________________________

Then there's this:

*Past emotional pains awakening up, which you thought had healed - refuse tormenting yourself with the past, look at the future with confidence and optimism.  Don't push yourself too hard

Rest and relax whenever you can.

*Some of your faults will be amplified and will irritate others, but most of the time you'll be surprised at this because you're not aware of it at all.

Sum total of your life - satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, happy

Mind - clarify, ability, health

We are meant to feel what we feel when we feel it, then let it go.

There's that invalidating message again, any time past trauma comes up I want to process it "irritates others" and I need to "let it go"  but to sit with me while I go through it so I can heal?  Pfft.  Unheard of. 

I'm so close to the trauma now.  I can feel it in my arms and my head.  A tightening of the chest.  I remember to breathe deeply. I did some EFT tapping.  I wrote down everything I thought about in the anecdotal notes.

At work, and what led to me putting myself on medical leave: Although I did not understand at the time what was happening, I knew that this was affecting my cognitive ability I was having increasing difficulty performing my duties and responsibilities causing me to need to work extra hours to complete tasks I felt should have been done already.

I had no frame of reference (since I was isolated from all other admins and we did not work as a team) to understand what other admins even work on.  When I would ask them questions about how long a task should take, I didn't know anyone else who even had the same duties and responsibilities as me. And it was confusing and lonely for me.

I feel I am not being seen or heard.  I feel I have to be compliant.  My abandonment issues are triggered.  I feel a sense of desperation that this is somehow my fault, perhaps I am the things the other people are telling me, and I have to go along with what they say.

I get dysregulated in my mind and body and search for a distraction to escape these sensations because it's an uncomfortable place to be. 

Multiple things are triggered at the same time and I try to stay linear but too many things pop up.

Despite these challenges I advocate for myself and push to find the support I need.  When I reach a dead end down one path, I find another.  I champion fixing broken processes and have achieved small wins.

I haven't been able to heal from the trauma I experienced in the abusive relationship I got myself out of in 2020.  I completely lost all social support and I knew that was the cost of my freedom.  I also lost most of my belongings, as he took mostly everything that I wasn't able to pack up into one room – none of our rooms had locks, so I had to pile up a ton of things against the door.  He tried to push his way in anyway, breaking everything he could reach, taking things that weren't even his, and I lived in terror for several weeks.  I haven't been able to sleep in years.  I'm just trying to get back on my feet.  I need self care.  I need wellbeing.  I need to get my basic needs met.  I don't know how to do that under these conditions.   Still I persist.  Still I advocated for myself, because I am re-parenting myself. I am being my own advocate, but at the cost of my ability to care for myself. 

I did a chunk more of work on the anecdotal records for work and pulled out a ton...leaving it here. 

How else am I going to learn how to navigate if LD refuses to let me interact with anyone?  Any time I try, she makes up unreasonable tasks so she can complain I'm not doing my job.

I advocated for myself by forming the colleague lead community and co-leading the group to try to build awareness and education for my colleagues and HR, whose understanding of PTSD means that it's a mental illness and I could get the day off with a doctors note as the only accommodation available. So I have been doing that doing the work of advocating for myself while fully enmeshed in the trauma response to the point that my amygdala was continuously hijacked, needing medical leave that I had asked for since September, however my manager did not take action on any of my requests.

LD started to request unreasonable things, then tells my manager any time I failed to deliver within an unreasonable time frame.  I am told I should have figured it out, I should have tried harder, I should have done it sooner.

increasing amounts of anxiety and confusion to the point that I was dealing with autistic burn out (the only thing online that came close to what I was experiencing) and not making sense of the world has caused me such anguish that I can no longer function or do daily tasks

* I was sick - physically ill - my hair was falling out, I have chronic stress symptoms and chronic inflammation which led to becoming immunocompromised.

Coming back to work, I also want to add I do not need to have teams/outlook on my phone.  They are very triggering and IF IT IS URGENT – LD can text me and I can let her know when I can assist her.  No matter how many times I tell her this, she insists on emailing me outside of office hours then penalizing me if I am not on top of it, which means I was conditioned to monitor my emails 24/7 – I cannot do that any longer. 

I asked for the opportunity to do more.  I want to work for a company who will support my career goals.  I have ambitions...I started out my career as a professional educator.  I was an advocate for my students, but I quickly learned that administration is far too political, and I was repeatedly warned not to rock the boat while I'm sitting in it. 

I was in a traumatic situation the first year I was employed here.  I wrote a blog post about it.  I pretty much lost everything that first year and have been struggling to start over ever since.  I need to be in a work environment where I can heal from the trauma that occurred.  However, my present situation mirrors that abusive situation, and I'd repeatedly ask what I could do to align with a different leader, but was told to just keep doing what I'm doing and I'd be fine...only what I was doing was unsustainable.  I said as much, but was threatened with reducing my duties and responsibilities to ONLY interacting with the individual that is triggering the trauma I haven't had time to process or heal from. 

I disclosed everything to my manager in September, and since then, this woman has retaliated against me in little ways.  It's not obvious thing, it's like death from 1,000 papercuts, so that when I say, "she requested this" it doesn't seem that bad and I'm reminded to consider her perspective and the strain she's under and what a good leader he is, and like the good little traumatized girl who suffered from childhood abuse, I'll do anything to make her happy. 

I'm asked to list out my job titles and I list them by hierarchy and accomplishments – the things I cling to, to be able to tolerate this toxic, hostile work relationship I have with LD, and I manage it with as much grace and dignity as I can muster, but it's so challenging when LD discovers I'm doing something that builds my confidence, or should be acknowledged as an achievement, a way to add value and promote our company in a good light, LD says, "Why are you doing that? You shouldn't be doing that, I'm going to tell them to take that away from you."  Further trapping me with my abuser.  I disclose to my manager what she's doing, and my manager tells me LD needs me to have the most important thing be her.  So I can no longer stop working evenings and weekends.  So I have to be available to LD whenever she has a whim, until she gets COMFORTABLE with the idea that I should be allowed to not respond.  Because the moment I don't respond, regardless of what I may be doing, if LD feels I should have answered faster, she tells my manager I am unresponsive. 
______________________________________________________________________

There's equally strong evidence the human beings just have natural psychological needs - you need to feel you belong, you need to feel your life has meaning and purpose you just feel that people see you and value you, you need to feel you've got a future that makes sense.

A LOT of my issues are not a thing I can openly discuss in my current life.  True, America is, in general, more progressive, but my reality is that I cannot disclose to my manager I have a disability without being afraid of losing my job, same as how several years ago, gay people could not disclose.  I can't tell my boss when she yells at me it triggers my C-PTSD - she will respond that I should get a thicker skin. 

No one understands that I have been working longer hours because I have a processing disorder that prevents me from understanding things at times, and so it takes me longer to comprehend what is being asked of me, then longer again to comprehend HOW to do it. Especially when my asks for context are ignored/denied.  So, when I am asked to do something I've never done before at the last minute, it causes me anxiety. 

No one seems to understand when I ask a question, "can you show me how to do this" doesn't mean "do it for me" because then I'm still not learning, and handing me a job aide only creates more work - the lesson I get is "don't bother asking".  The few people I reached out to don't understand what my needs are, and they are guessing at what the solution is, instead of just hearing me.

People suggest I should take time off. In their head they think the time off is the solution, and I will come back after a few days fully rejuvenated and ready to go.  When I try to explain that is NOT the solution because it won't make the systemic issue to go away, and again that's just me "being difficult" "not taking advice". 

I can't understand in a company that prides itself on wellness and employee wellbeing, mental health and inclusion that I am being asked to suffer in this unspeakable horror.  I lost all my social support. I have been chronically isolated and in an abusive situation.  I NEED to heal, and I don't know how I'm expected to do that if I'm about to lose my job, my health insurance, my income, my ability to provide for myself, and in short, will not be able to get my basic needs me, which is all I've been asking to do since the day I was hired. 

I feel as if I have to mask all the time.  I have to keep silent. 

To be allowed accommodations I needed to get a doctor's note. However, my disability is relatively new (and isn't even listed as a disability), so professionals haven't had a chance to get training because the research is just beginning to accumulate on both the diagnosis and treatment.

Combined with the fact and the symptoms of my disability would come out often, only I was misdiagnosed and didn't recognize them – I wasn't making sense of what I was feeling in relation to the situation.

When I cannot find any time that works for a meeting and I come back with the ask; Who is necessary to the meeting and who can be optional, and you respond "all of them are necessary, I wouldn't have listed them if they weren't absolutely necessary, just figure it out."  I don't have the tools, I start to become dysregulated.  It's harder for me to process, make sense of the world around me, I get overstimulated, people are pinging me asking me for things, I try getting to as many asks as I can, because I can't risk anyone being disappointed, or having to wait for an answer, LD starts making requests at all hours, I stop being able to sleep, I can't eat, I'm afraid to be away from my computer for long periods of time.  I stop showering, because she'll call me when I'm in the shower, and then tell me I didn't answer her.  I ask if I can go for walks in the mornings and she says yes, so she starts calling me in the mornings, asking me to find IT guys for her.  People don't understand the amount of fawning I do, or how conditioned I am. 

She'll decide to change her travel last minute
She decided she wanted me to create a new banner at 5:38pm on a Friday night 10 minutes before I was about to board a plane. 
I was terrified to ask her if I could have time off, so afraid she'd take it away from me, and I need it, it's the only thing I have that keeps me going, I'm so starved for human interaction. 
Didn't have her car pick her up
Flipped out because I asked for the afternoon off and she couldn't find another admin after hours
Asks for the car to pick her up with two hours notice
Hotel in Chicago
Response to retaliation is to send and email that something in 5 weeks is something I can only take care of and tasked me with tracking the budget
And acting like nothing has happened
I can only expect no one has given much thought to how much I've been asked to handle on my own with absolutely no support
So why isn't anyone worried about the strain this has had on me?
It's a shame work policy doesn't protect the colleague that is disclosing a workplace violations Instead it is being seen as a breach of code of conduct and my job and reputation are allowed to be threatened because of the position she holds in the company vs mine. 
LD projects this image. 

I continue to do things to increase my own sense of wellbeing, with the constant anxiety that LD will discover what I am doing and force me to stop. – This is the OPPOSITE of everything that my company says it is.   

BG, RN, Audit, Wellness, Security, MH, M (examples of the positive changes I have implemented/worked on)

Each time I expressed how I needed autonomy in any way, I was reminded that at her level, LD was entitled to a certain level of support.  That I had to be more mindful of the strain she was under, how much pressure, that I shouldn't...

I keep saying, but I don't know what to say, explain to me how to say it so she'll understand, our communication styles are too different, and people would say, don't say anything, say as little as possible, they aren't really advocating for you, and so I wouldn't know who to talk to.  I was dealing with feelings of acute isolation. 

It's too much of a strain to have to educate my manager whilst I'm in crisis begging for help and her response is to tell me LD is writing me up for telling others I'm being bullied.  Which states CLEARLY that (whatever) sharing with others my workplace conditions and the affect it's had on me.  I was asking for help, I was asking for what my rights were, I just didn't know how (insert crisis symptoms) Instead of recognizing this, as always, people just tell LD what I've said and in retaliation, LD.... I requested repeatedly if she would do them the night before, and then I can enter the documentation where she said don't get used to it it won't happen again. With her...

because the fear of me not holding my phone filled me with such anxiety. Society does not understand this, they say everybody holds their phones. But I didn't I needed desperately to disconnect. However, I was required to have my teams and my email on my phone at all times.

In addition to being on the planning committee for the Global Wellness initiative, I implemented several suggestions to alleviate my feelings of isolation, which benefited the company by increasing engagement, but upon discovery, LD consistently tells me I should not continue to do stuff like that. 

There's something about the culture of the company that made me feel I couldn't complain. The truth matters and I'm being made to feel that my truth is not reality, I feel like everyone knew and no one would say anything.  More than that, I was TOLD no one would say anything that it was accepted. 

It wasn't until the conversations at X did I become consciously aware that this was taking place.  That awareness triggered a crisis.  I repeatedly let my manager know I was in crisis.  I expressed to her the importance of me being able to have a career path at my company, assistance with navigating the career portal, advocacy for me to get the accommodations I needed.  Each time this crisis occurred I was made to rationalize it.  Told that she would look into it.  Told that RK said I can't be anywhere else, told that LD was starting to note me acting out, pushing back, being non-responsive.  Each time I felt institutional betrayal and it would trigger my C-PTSD.  I may have verbalized this, I have no conscious recollection.  I immediately went into active trauma.  I talked to the people around me because I needed to get it out of I was going to go insane. In fact I felt adrenaline surging throughout my body, inability to form conscious thoughts, executive function all that stuff from the research.  It's the research that sustained me.  The forming of A, the belief that I could be the change I wanted to see.  I thought I was working through my trauma, I wasn't consciously aware...

ET calling me and telling me that unless I can figure out how to make LD happy and not say anything then my position would be eliminated? Which isn't what she said but I can't see it right now because that's where the bad part is

I was discussing how I can improve communication style because I don't understand how to make it stop and somebody mentioned having a reasonable accommodation of just transferring me away from L and I said that I tried that as well and my request was denied because RK says that the only thing I'm allowed to do is support LD more but I recognize that I said that in mixed company, so I quickly said, I don't wanna talk about it anymore I love my job I don't want to be eliminated but the even the thought had already triggered a trauma response and I spent the rest of the day in a heightened level of hyper awareness and amygdala hijacking. 

I understand that this is a difference of communication style and have tried to address this on a professional level so many times that even the thought of asking her for some thing that means getting my own needs met causes me to become highly dysregulated which CM witnessed on our current phone call  I became aware that LD was told exactly what I said to CM because she reiterated it to me on a phone call that she made to me just prior to submitting my code of conduct violation because she repeated it verbatim.

I was immediately filled with a sense of institutional betrayal and all of the research that I was doing to try to figure out what was happening to me was found under articles of workplace violation - PTSD caused by workplace abuse and institutional betrayal - this is not my intent, this is not what I want - I want accommodations for my disability. I have repeatedly asked for them in various ways and I've had them denied because neurotypical people do not understand their necessity - because although we are a company that has... we are not where we need to be and we can do better to solve for this problem I found it and lead able to try to build awareness because when I contacted HR they said that PTSD was a mental illness and the only accommodation that would be provided would be having the day off with a doctors note

However, I had been alerting my manager ET of this situation and my needs since September. 
https://autisticscienceperson.com/2023/03/06/neurotypical-accommodations-and-unwritten-rules/ LD creates unwritten rules.  Her perspective is that she is "too direct" and I am "too sensitive"  In reality she won't answer my f-ing need for context. 

Because I disclosed my working conditions to colleagues during a moment of crisis, I was having a full blown amygdala hijack – again, if you're not trauma informed, you won't know what this means, but look it up!!!

I made a mistake by asking for help when I was in crisis. I was warned of the risks, but at the time I wasn't thinking clearly,

I feel I am in an abusive and toxic work environment and that I am being bullied what are my rights? What course of action do I take? I am told consistently to work with my manager.  I am told not to speak out against my manager, I am told that the only thing I can do to keep my job is to make her happy, and to make her happy I must....My current manager told me I must tolerate these workplace violations until she can figure out how to get the help I need. 

While I desperately could use a friend, speaking about your leader is against code of conduct and I cannot risk further retaliation.  If you truly want to be a friend, I would appreciate a letter of recommendation. 

If given autonomy, support and encouragement, I could thrive. 

When I share these wins with you, I do not feel supported.

When I tell you I finally was able to work out my pain points with security and find a way to automate some of my processes, you tell me it sounds like I'd rather be an office manager than an EA

I made it clear that I do not want to be a career admin, I wanted an opportunity to learn other areas of the business, but am repeatedly told there is no path for an admin here at my company.  I'm already at the top tier and there is no room for growth, I shouldn't have any ambition, I should not have my own basic needs met, because LD says I am "her person" that means I cannot be my own person without her saying I am "acting out".

I expressed to her the importance of me being able to have a career path at Alight, assistance with navigating the career portal, advocacy for me to get the accommodations I needed.  Each time this crisis occurred I was made to rationalize it.  Told that she would look into it.  Told that RK said I can't be anywhere else, told that LD was starting to note me acting out, pushing back, being non-responsive.  Each time I felt institutional betrayal and it would trigger my C-PTSD. 

In one of the first conversations we had you asked me to choose between being an admin or an office manager – both of which is a dead end for me.  Office manager I can devote to wholeheartedly and commit to getting the office where I want, and what happens at the end of the year when the office closes?

LD's messaging suggests that my way of doing things are wrong and I am broken, and therefore must be corrected – that the traits I have I am most proud of are broken/wrong and must be molded to be more palatable to her.  This harms my sense of pride and identity.

Not allowed to bring my full self to work.  This is an atmosphere I cannot thrive in. LD's responses to my inquiries lack curiosity or compassion and cause me to shut down.  She consistently spoke to what I consider values, they are perceived as flaws. 

I list my duties and responsibilities in order of hierarchy
Location Leader – global position, at a leadership level, connecting for the entire organization to cascade down new company initiatives.
Location Liaison- supposed to be another individual I partner with, but I am tasked with both roles
Office Ambassador – running an entire office by myself with no support from anyone else in the organization
EA – toxic, abusive, unreasonable expectations of my availability
EA – means not having autonomy, not being able to get my basic needs met, not being treated like I'm part of a team or an actual person, just an asset like an app in a phone.

that their own needs are less important than pleasing and making people around them comfortable. Making us overly compliant, leaving us more vulnerable.


LD's ideal admin
Is proactive but also doesn't take any action unless LD is aware and approves
Reads her inbox and alerts her to things she needs to respond to without asking any clarifying questions
Never declines any meeting or counters an alternative time for a conflict unless LD says it's ok

I believe when I remarked that I find her behavior toxic, abusive and I feel demeaned on a daily basis, someone told LD I was talking about her and LD told the ppl I was working with that I needed to correct my behavior and they were not to ask me to help them again.  My manager called me and told me I needed to watch my step, and repeated I should stop speaking to everyone except her.   

It wasn't until these conversations at X did I become consciously aware that this was taking place.  That awareness triggered a crisis*.  I repeatedly let my manager know I was in crisis.  I expressed to her the importance of me being able to have a career path at Alight, assistance with navigating the career portal, advocacy for me to get the accommodations I needed.  Each time this crisis occurred I was made to rationalize it.  Told that she would look into it.  Told that RK said I can't be anywhere else, told that LD was starting to note me acting out, pushing back, being non-responsive.  Each time I felt institutional betrayal and it would trigger my C-PTSD.  I may have verbalized this, I have no conscious recollection.  I immediately went into active trauma.  I talked to the people around me because I needed to get it out of I was going to go insane. In fact I felt adrenaline surging throughout my body, inability to form conscious thoughts, executive function all that stuff from te research.  It's the research that sustained me.  The forming of able, the belief that I could be the change I wanted to see.  I thought I was working through my trauma, I wasn't consciously aware.

....which says all this stuff about being protected from retaliation...but they were retaliating against me.  I felt so trapped, I needed support and all I could see was betrayal.  Everyone has told me my position will be eliminated because of this.  And that I have no rights.  Because I don't have an advocate I feel like a victim and I haven't been able to get out of bed for months.  Now my leave is almost up and I don't even understand the process or how long I have after I return before they can eliminate me.  The paperwork implies immediately, and everyone says I should be working on my resume, but I can't understand why my position is being eliminated because I was set up to fail in the first place. 

I'm sorry you've been in such abusive and triggering situations, EA. Do the domestic violence hotlines have any helpful suggestions or resources to help you get out of the living situation and find a less abusive job that will allow you to get your feet under you?

  :grouphug:

I'm sorry, it's a lot to be going through.

Thank you Armee, no I have not found a hotline that is willing to listen to me.  I tried work rights hotline, they insisted I call legal.  Legal insists that this isn't a legal matter, but a work rights matter.  They refer and refer and refer and all the numbers I call just refer me to someone else.  I feel like a pinball being bounced around.  Not one person in 3 months has said, ok, yes, I can hear your story, let me see what you are experiencing and help you with some of the wording so you don't feel alone in all of this.  I haven't been able to find one resource, one advocate, one organization that says, "yes, you've come to the right place, we can help".

Also, just for clarities sake, I am not currently living with my abuser.  That situation took place in 2020, but I am only now attempting to process it.  Since I have to do all my processing in isolation, it helps to write it here....apologies if it's confusing to understand now v. then, but I try to make it clear in my posts...sometimes my inner child mentions things...because when I'm having an emotional flashback, it feels as if I am still in it...all of the things I've experienced feel like they are happening at the same time.  So this work experience brings up all the other times I was eliminated, and I still don't see how I'm supposed to save myself. 

Appreciate you reading.

I'm not co-dependent.  I'm in an abusive relationship. 

The person who's in the relationship often doesn't know they are in a narcissistic relationship, they just don't know it's a thing, they don't know that narcissism doesn't really change, they don't know that it's not their fault, they don't know what gaslighting is.  In my experience, in the vast majority of narcissistic abuse survivors, until they've read or heard about what it was they just simply assumed that they were the problem. that these are just relationship problems and there were just good enough.

if a person will be stigmatized by their entire Community, lose all of their support or be rejected by their the only things that they know - that's a big ask. 
There ain't a day that goes by in which they see it clearly, grieve the Injustice, hope for the day they may not be stuck in it and do the best they can.  - Dr. Ramani

I'm really relieved to hear you are out of that dangerous living situation, EA.

Thanks for clarifying. Sometimes I find when I am writing, my inner child also comes out too. Usually when that happens I am triggering myself and need to take a step away from writing or processsing for awhile to focus on core needs like eating, drinking water, sleeping, laughing, and getting a walk. Sometimes unfortunately we can trigger ourselves and it's important to be gentle with ourselves.

Some more work thoughts...

Me disclosing my workplace conditions and their adverse affects on me during crisis is a breach of code of conduct. 

Her rewarding me for "acceptable behaviors" – working all hours and being immediately responsive but penalizing me for setting boundaries such as not having to responded to an email sent over the weekend for something that was non-urgent by telling my manager that I am "unresponsive".

She interacts with me in a way I find dehumanizing.

It was Albert Einstein who said, "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the level of thinking that created them".

I don't understand why we have DE&I and prize those values and overlook the needs of the differently abled

I Recognized I was damaging my wellbeing and kept telling authority figures that this was unsustainable.  I attempted multiple times to improve my work/life balance and to set boundaries to give me the space I needed to remain healthy.

I was desperate to prove myself and work as many hours as the others around me.

Denmark's ideal work-life balance, where staying late is a sign of being unorganized, not something that's impressive.

Personal growth and achievement are not selfish, they are necessary aspects of life.  Nurturing and developing your creativity allows you to work more efficiently, become more successful and even reduce stress in your life

I keep coming to this: you're asking the person in crisis to educate the individuals she's asking for help for WHY she needs the help.  Regardless of the documentation, taking the emotions out of it, trying to be patient, at the end of the day you are asking the individual in the abusive situation to tolerate remaining in that situation because she's good at it and no one else wants to do it. 

And it's the ONLY thing I'll ever be allowed to do here at X even though I have dreams, even though I want to have a career path, I'm told I need to be quiet or it's going to be taken all away from me.

 :hug:

Something I told him in July 2020

There was so much gaslighting and him making me feel that normal reactions to his actions were a failing on my part.  Making me feel like I was crazy, having doctors tell me I had depression.  Believing everything everyone says about me.  Because I've heard the same messages my entire life, from everyone, so how could I help but accept that if everyone thought it, if everyone was a witness to my reactions, then it MUST be something wrong with me. 

My entire life I've just wanted someone to attend to me, validate me, make me feel seen, heard, accepted.  That I can be loved.  Just as I am.  I get so many messages that conflict with this that I don't know what's right and what's wrong and what's real and what's not.  I feel so lost in it all, all the time.

I need you to understand that I'm still not ok.  I'm not saying this so you'll feel bad or guilty, but I need for you to understand the course of events and I need you to understand the reasons why I've done things before you jump to conclusions. 

I want you to know that I'm still very fragile.  I'm still dealing with my depression, but I've done everything I can think of to help me get out of it because it's not fair to you for me to always deal with my trauma/being so triggered. But I'm so afraid you're going to hold me to this standard where you won't make an effort to really understand my trauma is real, and not something to just dismiss.  I know it's hard for you when I lash out at you or hold you accountable for so many things all at the same time, constantly.  I know I'm asking a lot, but you also need to understand it takes years for some people to heal from the stuff I get anxious about.  I'd really like it if you made an effort to hear my reasons for reacting the way I do and not just make me feel like I'm "picky" or "hallucinating" or  making a big deal out of nothing.   You can't expect me not to be triggered if you don't take the time and make the effort to understand why, you you do things a certain way causes these reactions, but respect me enough to understand that even though it may not be a big deal to you even if you can't understand/like because it's not a big deal to you it's a big deal to me and not must think my reaction is appropriate or that my reaction isn't on par with the circumstances.

Why wasn't there anyone who sat me down and said, THIS ISN"T YOUR FAULT.  This is something being done to you, this is abuse.  This is gaslighting. This is something that has NOTHING to do with you.

Quote from: Blueberry on May 02, 2023, 08:55:01 PM

Quote from: Eireanne on May 02, 2023, 05:09:48 PM
@Blueberry - thank you for that. I do feel bad I'm not in a place that I can read other's journals yet and it's hard for me

You wrote your M came in the room. So that means you have the added difficulty of FOO (family-of-origin) around. If they don't understand, that tends to not help. This is not a criticism of you because there are many reasons why you might still be living with FOO.

@Blueberry, sorry for the delay in responding to your kind note.  I appreciated everything you said so much.  Just one clarification - since I'm processing several layers of trauma at once, my inner child remembers a triggering/inciting incident and mentions it.  I do not live with my FOO - I cut ties with them over 13 years ago.  But that memory of her asking, when I was 16/17 - "how long are you planning on being miserable for" lingers in my head every day.  This is my own fault.  My suffering is because I am "feeding" it.  That this is my own doing. That my choices have led me to have everyone give up and abandon me. That I will never have anyone who cares....it's all there, and how could it not be when it's all I've ever experienced?  Then when I say, "this is all I've ever experienced" I'm told I'm negative, and pessimistic, and depressed.  *throws up hands* 

I appreciate you, and all of you who are reading my journal.  Sorry I still am not clear on how to "quote" and respond. Sending a direct message would be easier for me, but I am told not everyone is comfortable with that, so I'm doing  my best etiquette-wise. 

Has anyone read Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker?  Is it worth the read?

hey, EA, i have not read walker's book, but i know many people here have and have found it very helpful.

the idea that we're told our suffering is our own fault is abusive in itself, to my mind.  same w/ 'too sensitive'.  i once heard of someone replying to that 'i'm as sensitive as i need to be for me'.  i liked that because i'm also very sensitive and often wish i weren't but there it is.  in that way i am who i am.  you are who you are as well.  trauma is a beast whose jaws and teeth get under our skin, constantly gnawing at us. (until it gets resolved, which is often small piece by small piece).  of course we're sensitive.  who wouldn't be when they're constantly distressed by being gnawed at!  love and hugs :hug:

Things are starting to pile up again, and I'm becoming more anxious, but instead I'm just doing ME and not being hard on myself for not creating a more orderly, disciplined life. 

I've had a pile of books in my possession for several years, and absolutely no attention span to get through them...also a lot of them no longer seem relevant to me as I now frame everything through my trauma lens. 

So I have this book, Change Your Life in 30 days.  Day 2.  She makes the comment, "You are doing better than you think you are" and asks what is your immediate response, then proceeds to tell you what your immediate response says about you.  Much like being quizzed for having depression, if there is no context about the trauma and WHY I am responding the way I do, then...it's really not accurate, is it? 

So I decided to take these thoughts to my journal.  The first filter is, "the author doesn't know me".  You have problems with intimacy and the feeling that the person you aren't attempting intimacy with won't go away.  In short, you have abandonment issues, right? Well, being as I've been abandoned by everyone, and I've never known trust or what it is like to truly depend on someone....yeah, it's easy to see that anyone that just writes, "you are doing better than you think you are" doesn't know me.  Especially since I haven't fully recovered and the traumatic incident that necessitated me needing to go on leave still hasn't been processed, I'm still triggered by it, and I didn't develop any skills or have any treatment that would allow me to return to this abusive situation with any "tools" other than what I've done myself.  So yes, in one hand, I am doing well...I am still extremely vulnerable and traumatized and clearly not doing "better". 

But no one would know that, would they? 

Next.  "I haven't done enough"  You put yourself last and work harder and longer than anyone else.  I've had to.  Going back to "I have no one to trust or depend on" means I need to be a subject matter expert in EVERY area, and I can't seem to find anyone to help, support or advocate for me.  This creates an issue with processing and knowing how to navigate abusive situations, recognizing when I'm being gaslit, used, lied to....I haven't had any experience building up the muscle where I am ALLOWED to put myself first.  So...yeah.  Next.

Deserving success is a major challenge because you focus on what you don't do well rather than what you do well....actually, I've been told my whole life what I don't do well.  I could clean every inch of my house and it would be pointed out the one thing I didn't get to yet.  So all I know how to see is what I didn't get to yet.  At work, I could do 100 things, and improve, create processes, be on top of everything, yet I'm called out for things that I wasn't even involved with...which creates me needing to remain hypervigilant....

It goes on to say other things that also don't....really work.  "If you don't believe it, you haven't had the confidence to change your life"  "You are committed to "fixing" yourself no matter what"...well yeah, if I've been told my entire life that the things that are happening to me are my fault and if I'd just change, then they'd stop happening....um....when that is framed as a lifetime of abuse, and reiterated by everyone...how am I NOT supposed to assume that I somehow didn't deserve these things because I'm not enough?  To have the understanding now that I really AM NOT enough, that I can't do this alone, without support, and I have to figure out a way to do it anyway...and to have all of that disregarded as the context necessary to understand why I respond the way I do...then how am I supposed to "acknowledge myself". 

I give myself a lot of credit...but I also am extremely self-aware at all the things I still don't know how to navigate.  I still don't know how I'm going to be able to survive and keep my mental state intact by returning to my abuser.  How I'm not going to get emotional, when even re-telling what happened to a coworker I trust 3 months after the incident had me reduced to tears and terror, causing the story to come out in a non-linear fashion, all the while my conscious awareness narrating what is taking place. 

Being told I can control how I react...is putting a lot of pressure on me, when I still haven't learned any tools on how to respond correctly to being manipulated and gaslit. 

So the exercise for today is to list 25 things I acknowledge I have done for the past year, to "give me more courage to take risks in the present".  So here goes

Today, I acknowledge myself for:

1 putting myself on medical leave
2 being adamant about not being misdiagnosed 
3 educating myself about how chronic isolation has been aggravating my situation
4 having compassion for myself and my parents for creating this condition
5 I don't have the tools or support I need to get out of survival mode, and that also aggravates the situation
6 I will no longer accept being told that this is my fault
7 Me being told I am too sensitive, too emotional, too anything has more to do with the other person, and my "too" are my strengths, not weaknesses
8 I've been doing all the work to process my trauma and reparent myself in isolation
9 Just because my trauma is "little t" doesn't mean it's any less valid
10 my brain has done it's best to protect me the only way it knew how
11 my inner child deserves love and attention too
12 I didn't know what I didn't know, and I still don't know.  Society is not set up to protect people like me.  That does not mean something is wrong with me.
13 I am raw, vulnerable and have no defenses.  I have been a target for bullies my entire life. 
14 I am now going to be the parent I wish I had. 
15 I am going to remind myself that the trigger is a natural response to being bullied, gaslit and manipulated. 
16 I can take all the time I need to process what is being said, and learn how to frame my response from a place of curiosity. 
17 I have a right to an opinion, and I deserve to feel validated. 
18 being allowed to grieve all that I have never experienced
19 being allowed to be scared, being allowed to feel my feelings without being told they are wrong
20 letting go of people who make me feel bad about myself
21 not being hard on myself for not knowing what to say or how to respond to people
22 understanding that recovery (and grief) is non-linear, messy and complicated and there are no "shoulds".
23 doing the best I can with what I have
24 every micro-step I take in the right direction is still a step
25 without resources or support, I am still kicking *, and it's everyone else's loss if they can't see that. 

Not going to lie, that's hard.  These are not "accomplishments" and the book wants me to do it another 25 times.  Pass.  It says,
In what area would you like to acknowledge yourself more?

At work, I did amazing things, I gained confidence and started to make company-wide changes.  I acknowledged the work I did and expected to be supported.  I was retaliated against and told to "watch my step" - I would like the courage (not confidence) to stand up to my abusers and hold on to the understanding that I am right, and they are just bullies protecting themselves

What could happen if you gave yourself more credit?
If I gave myself more credit, people would be quicker to kick me, as they only enjoy bullying me when I am down.  If I do not crumple, they will kick me harder and harder until I fail (this is what has always happened in the past).  If I continued to stand firm in my understanding of how I want to be treated, I will most likely lose my job and my health insurance even quicker.  Saying this sounds like a "self fulfilling prophesy" yet I must accept and prepare for the inevitable, as there is no evidence in my favor, and to be forewarned is forearmed - again, cognitive rehearsal and hypervigilance, my superpowers.

Are you willing to give yourself more credit?
Yes, I am willing to reparent myself and stand up to my abusers.  I just wish I had the language to navigate the system.

Day 3. Change Your Life in 30 days.

Self confidence is the result of taking risks.  Once you have successfully taken risks, you have learned through your experiences that you can count on yourself.

Only, I've never experienced success.  So it says, "You must take risks in order to learn how to count on yourself, which in turn creates confidence".

Ok so let's walk through this.  I am taking a risk by returning to an abusive situation.  My other option is to lose my job.  I still have no tools, resources or support, but my leave is up, so I am taking a risk by returning to a toxic, hostile environment, knowing no one is on my side.  How exactly is that going to build my confidence? When I lose my financial security, my health insurance, my ability to provide for myself the basic needs required for survival.  How is this "risk taking" behavior supposed to instill me with confidence?

Apparently, "nothing will give me as much personal satisfaction" as putting myself in this risky situation.  Now it wants my "top ten" confident moments

1 the email I wrote my FOO 13 years ago, effectively cutting ties with them.
2 the memorial I had for my father, after learning my family had no interest in including me in the funeral and being written out of his will.
3 the courage to block a pathological individual who "wanted me back" - regardless of how isolated I am, I deserve to be treated kindly - he is incapable.
4 the courage to tell people the truth about what happened at work, and cut ties with anyone who would rather perpetuate gossip.
5 Being adamant with my therapist that she educate herself on my disability so she can give me the correct treatment.
6 Doing the same with my primary care physician.
7 Falling down 7 times, getting up 8.
8 Not panicking and rushing myself to take on more than I am mentally ready for. 
9 Forming a CLC for people with disabilities at my company, and continuing to advocate for myself and find the help/support I need. 
10 Going back to work even though I'm not ready - they aren't going to break me. 

"In order to be confident, you have to be willing to experience...rejection and loss"  HAHAH well if that's true, I'm the most confident person on the planet! All I've experienced is rejection and loss.

Gotta take a break from reading this....I appreciate the format to be oppositional to the contents and still be open to allowing myself the chance to change my perspective. 

EA, i hope you can find some confidence in knowing that you continue to take the risk by returning to such an environment in order to survive and that you have survived it in the past.  i also hope someday you will find a different place that will provide you with what you need, one that is not toxic.  we do what we can  to maintain our integrity, no matter what the risk.  it's been my life, and the lives of many others here.  and we are still here.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support.  :hug:

Thank you sanmagic  :hug:

Day 3. Change Your Life in 30 days.

The reason I stopped was the line, "friendships are critical to support your future growth and transformation past these initial 30 days."  Whelp...guess I'll just have to make do, right?

Name 3 challenges you are facing right now

Isolation
Trauma
Retaliation

Now, imagine you had confidence. What would you do differently?

Stand up to my bullies
Have the magical right things to say so I won't be retaliated against
Have friends and advocates on my side to coach me on how to navigate this correctly

What feelings are you afraid to feel regarding these circumstances?

Helplessness, rejection, disgust, abuse, bullying, drowning, feeling lost.

If I were no longer afraid of my feelings and could count on myself, what cold be the happy ending for these challenges?

That someone actually listen to me and give me the support I need so I can stop feeling terrified all the time, and I could get a transfer to a less abusive area of work, doing my job feeling like I don't have to live in terror anymore.

What could I gain or learn from that I can apply to other areas of my life? 

I would learn that I could finally focus on recovery and reclaiming my life, and stop feeling like the bottom is going to drop any second. 

What is keeping you from getting that result?

I still haven't found anyone willing to stick out their neck and help me.  Everyone sees me being bullied and are distancing themselves so they don't get the same - which has happened countless times before.  No one wants to be the one to stand up to a bully and say, "NO MORE".  They will just turn a blind eye and keep their head down. 

https://www.fastcompany.com/90886566/keep-winding-up-in-a-toxic-workplace-heres-how-to-break-the-cycle  This basically says that me finding myself in abusive situations over and over again is my own fault.  I have such a hard time with things like this, all these entitled people that don't understand what it feels like to not have the resources or support to make a choice and their holier than thou attitude that, "You really have to wonder about a person that makes the same mistakes over and over again". 

I feel incredibly defeated.

Healing Abandonment and Betrayal

[Your parents] might be overwhelmed by their parenting and they don't know how to emotionally connect with their kids because they don't know how to emotionally connect with themselves because how many of us really got taught to be emotionally present in life. To turn around and be emotionally available for your child is going to be really hard if you don't have that experience and that foundation within yourself to be strong enough to say yeah I can connect with you emotionally without it being overwhelming or threatening to me.

The child and the adult growing up doesn't feel deserving of love and attention because they didn't get it as a kid.  Kids are needy by nature - if you don't
understand that as a parent then you may find your child annoying or too much because you don't realize that they need that consistent emotional presence and support and guidance and physical presence.  They need us to be there for them and if we don't have that it's going to be really really tough.

Low self-esteem is huge because again if our caregivers don't prioritize spending time with us then you end up learning that wow maybe I'm not somebody that people want to spend time with, maybe something's wrong with me.

If we don't have our needs met emotionally, by the time we hit a romantic relationship or a best friend we're going to glob onto, we are going to put all our emotional eggs in that basket because we're starved at that point and we can't discern the difference of what's healthy and what isn't because we've been deprived for so long. 

It's about self-soothing, finding what the trigger is about and the meaning we're assigning to it. 
If you're triggered - is it really about you?  Are you in somebody's head and you know for sure that they're intentionally trying to hurt you? (unless you're in a relationship with a narcissist) Most people are not gonna be intentionally hurting us, they have their own reasons for acting and saying and doing what they're doing.

Ask them, "What is your intention here?"

Abandonment fears - where does that cross over? I think the codependent child is starved emotionally and because they don't get that validation and that time and connection they're gonna seek it out in unhealthy ways.  They might get friends that are dysfunctional or a boyfriend that treats them poorly because they're so starved for attention it sets them up for codependent behaviors. 

I still REALLY struggle with the word "co-dependent" because I keep reiterating, we are social creatures, we are not meant to be alone, and yet, every time I ask for a space to allow me to feel validated, be vulnerable, really explore my insecurities and fears so I can work them out and heal from them - that means I'm co-dependent.  I have to learn how to do all of this alone, re-parent myself without a handbook and just intuitively know what to do without asking for help - because asking for help is a sign of co-dependency.  :blink:

This reminds me of my work situation SO much:

The child (me) interrupts the narcissistic parent's (the woman I support) sense of superiority and entitlement that others reflect it. This may happen by the child being proud of himself, focusing on himself, failing to show 'enough appreciation' to the parent, etc.

The parent must restore their antidotal self-conceit but must do so while hiding the selfishness of this motive.

The narcissistic parent unconsciously re-locates her own selfishness in the child. She may distort a benign act on the part of the child to 'prove' how inordinately selfish that child is.

The narcissistic parent then works to control the child so that he accepts her claim of being the selfish one. In a parent-child relationship the parent holds all the real power. If the parent reacts to the child as though he is selfish, the child can fairly easily buy into this. The child's need for her to be willing to care for him dooms him.

Once the narcissistic parent has successfully relocated her inherent selfishness in the child, she can then work to put her own worthlessness in him too. If the child is branded as selfish, it is not a far leap to treat him as though he is worthless too. The narcissistic parent can convince herself and the other family members that the child deserves such maltreatment given how selfish he is. Such claims of selfishness almost always undergird the narcissistic parent's attempts to make the child feel worthless. In the ultimate act of 'better than you than me' the narcissistic parent finds some relief from their own worthlessness if she sees her child as the worthless one. If this attitude persists, the child may adopt it as his own and find various ways to comply with the
narcissist's insistence that he is worthless.

Altruistic narcissists view themselves as supreme caregivers. They base their inflated self-concept on this supposed 'ability'. Then they expect others to react to them as though they are the caring, generous, people they want to seem like. As a result, it can sometimes take a little longer to identify this kind of narcissist.

4 Signs of an altruistic narcissist
Very low patience
Constantly expect gratitude
Like to enforce rules
Take on 'lost cause' friends and partners

A lot of times an altruistic narcissist (the woman I support) will presume to know what is best for a friend or partner better than that person does. The narcissist will then target this person as the 'defective' one who needs the narcissist to fix him or her. She may talk about this person as though they are a 'lost cause' and just can't seem to make the 'right' choices. They may grow frustrated and angry with this person for not following their advice and prescriptions. They see such people as having a deficit and this helps the narcissist again relocate their own sense of worthlessness.

I kept placating myself, as soon as I got myself out of survival mode, and didn't approach it from a place of scarcity, then perhaps I could say "the right thing" Even now, this isn't what I want to say....I don't know why it's so hard for me to just get it all out. 

Healing from abuse and trauma is excruciatingly difficult without social support, but I know I have to.

I'd like to preface this letter with a trigger/content warning.  I sincerely apologize for the intrusion, so please take all the time you need to read this...after all, it took me 3 years to write it. You could also choose not to, I completely respect the fact that this could be an upheaval in your life you do not have the capacity for.  I still have a lot of unresolved trauma and grief I am working through. It's so hard for me to write this letter.  The things I want to say to you are trapped in an image I've held onto for years. 

Not having had to develop the intimate relationship with you I craved, the experiences I've shared with you created a representation of all of my unmet needs.  So each time I start a letter that is attempting to express the gratitude I have for the things I learned about myself through my observations of you...devolve into my inner child being comforted by the images I have.  In re-parenting myself, I am honoring my inner child by letting "her" write you this letter.  I appreciate your understanding. 

More than anything, the image I have in my head is of you inviting me over, and holding space for me to share my experience.  It wouldn't be crazy with the kids running everywhere and a bunch of other people...it could just be us.  I learned recently this is called intimacy.  The need for someone to hold space for me, to bear witness, to have my experience validated.  That scene in the movie where the person who needs to be so strong for everyone else finally has an opportunity to to break down and be held.  To be comforted.  In these moments, when that unmet need is so raw it's painful to bear, I give myself the body memory of the shower curtain hug. 

Part of chronic isolation is forgetting what physical touch feels like.  I slowly forget how to engage in conversation.  My mind replays all of the rejection I experience on a continuous basis.  It's agonizing.  But so was staying in an abusive situation.  That was the hardest part for me.  The awareness of how abusive it was, and that in getting out of it meant losing all my social support.  Going back to being chronically isolated.  So I fought against it for these past 3 years, trying to convince myself the things society mirrored back to me.  That I was enough, that if I asked for a friend to hold space for me when I was at my most vulnerable than there was something wrong with me, that I must be co-dependent. 

Again, I'd think of you, holding me, listening to me, comforting me, teaching me the ways you try to instill in your children that it's ok to be true to yourself and still be loved unconditionally. 

In the times when I am afraid of the abusive situation I am in at work, I imagine your fierceness as you advocated for M in the hospital, and with the doctors.  It taught me to advocate for myself with my own doctors, adamant that everyone stop misdiagnosing me and perpetuating the belief that this is my fault, but understand that I am having a normal reaction to an abusive situation. 

I wish for the cognitive ability to put into words what needs to be said to correctly defend myself against a bully at work who is defended by both my manager and HR. 

I'm Nice


You really don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, and will do a lot to avoid doing so.  You may find you inconvenience yourself greatly or neglect your basic needs (food, rest, exercise) to avoid disappointing someone.  You try to avoid conflict at all times.

Your core belief is likely to be that your needs do not count, or your needs are not as important as other people's.

Being nice is wonderful. However when it is a core defining statement with an underlying belief that your needs don't matter, there are significant downsides.  You may frequently feel resentful. You may end in relationships where your consideration for the other person is not returned.

Working on the core belief that your needs do matter, that YOU matter, is really the way your boundaries will improve.

hey, EA,

personally, i don't think asking for help is a sign of co-dependency, so i looked up the term.  merriam-webster defined it as depending on the needs of or control by another.  it's an enabling/addiction type of dynamic where each partner is depending on the other to do to or for them.  in my mind, asking for help is a human issue because we all need help at one time or another.

i agree w/ you, tho, that some psychological platitudes don't jive w/ our experiences and situations of living.  they're not extensive enough in that they brush off our ability to do things like 'make friends', 'go to a social gathering', etc.  we all aren't able to do those things because of triggers, anxiety, and other c-ptsd symptoms.  life isn't as easy for us at times as those simplistic suggestions.

i'm offering support, love, and a virtual hug if it helps.  :hug:

I tried to go back to work today.  Logged in, started going through my emails, left a message with my manager, she called back and tried convincing me that it was agreed I'd go back on Monday, even though the return paperwork submitted by my doctor says to return today.  She says they are still deciding whether or not they are willing to allow me the accommodations I requested, and are going to work on that today, and that she put a meeting on my calendar to talk to me on Monday about what will happen, and I should "have a nice weekend". A co-worker just suggested I get that in writing. 

I then asked her, as she said she's discussing my accommodations with HR ""Who can I discuss my accommodations with to explain how I am able to effectively perform my job duties with these accommodations?" and she said I need to give her a chance to wrap her head around it because she's never had to deal with things like this before (a typical response from her) and that once they have a chance to talk (HR/manager) then they will fill me in when I meet with them on Monday.

Again - I specifically requested to be informed prior to my return, so I can set expectations and do not do well with zero information about a situation.  I understand that because it's something I asked for, they are going to ignore it and pointing that out will only deem me as "difficult".  I mentioned that I haven't been contacted by anyone and I don't know what to expect and she responded that since she had reached out to me the day I went on leave (her message was triggering and I did not respond) that she chose to not try to communicate with me again.  I thanked her for that. 

To clarify for you - I was not expecting HER to fill me in on what is going on, I was however hoping that someone in HR/leave would be willing to let me know what the process is to return to work - I was not given that opportunity.  They are discussing my accommodations and labeling them as "restrictions" and are unclear if they can allow me them.  It's already painting the picture that they just don't know what to do with me.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 19, 2023, 02:41:50 PM
hey, EA,

personally, i don't think asking for help is a sign of co-dependency, so i looked up the term.  merriam-webster defined it as depending on the needs of or control by another.  it's an enabling/addiction type of dynamic where each partner is depending on the other to do to or for them.  in my mind, asking for help is a human issue because we all need help at one time or another.

i'm offering support, love, and a virtual hug if it helps.  :hug:

Thank you so much - hugs, support, love is ALWAYS helpful.  I agree with you, I don't feel I am co-dependent at all, but every time I watch a video or listen to an "expert" about C-PTSD, they all say that if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are enabling the relationship by being co-dependent and I just don't see how...so they go on to say it's subconscious - so I always feel like a) people don't see ME and are just making assumptions and b) I am being "difficult" by not understanding that even though it isn't my fault, it sorta is.  My knee jerk reaction with EVERYTHING is to just assume it is somehow my fault and I need to unlearn that.  But all the "experts" harping on the "codependent nature" of the victim is hard.

I appreciate you letting me know I'm not alone in rejecting these thoughts that I am codependent. 

My anecdotal notes were reviewed my my therapist and she highlighted things that should be removed.  While I am still hopeful the attorney will do the same, I am reviewing the notes now and removing the highlights, but sharing them here, as they are important to my story and my truth.

Accommodations I have asked for -
   Written, concise instructions – please provide all the context I need to complete the task
   Closed captioning and recorded meetings – please allow me to utilize technology as an accommodation when required to take notes
   Job coaching or mentorship –
   Uninterrupted work time – please don't call/ping me when I am presenting
   Extra time – please stop giving me things less than 5 minutes before they are due
   Flexible schedule – please allow me a lunch break and ability to not have to work during PTO, and the ability to take a sick day when needed
   Clearly define what URGENT means and only be asked to work outside of stated hours during those times of urgency. 


I've also requested and been denied the following reasonable accommodations:
   Ability to record meetings she needs me to take notes on
   Being able to take a lunch break
   Having set working hours
   Not needing to be available outside of working hours unless there is an urgent need
   Not needing to be available/work during PTO
   Being able to take a sick day
   Being provided the context I need to complete a task
   Not needing Outlook/Teams on my phone
   Respect
   Autonomy
   The ability to set boundaries and have those boundaries respected
   A career path
   Growth within the company and opportunities to add value without being retaliated against


I'm not trying to villainize LD.  I think she's a great leader and does well for the colleagues she views with respect.  I see her advocate for them and her position. I just don't know how to get her to extend those same qualities to me. 

She dismissed my concerns of continued isolation, saying, "you were just hired at a weird time, we don't have happy hours". 

I do not feel I have the ability to live any kind of life outside of Alight, if that is the expectation placed upon me, I disclosed that this is not viable, it is unsustainable, LD has unreasonable expectations of my availability.  I started to experience severe signs of burnout. 

...but LD called me and said, "I see what you're doing" - I don't know what she "saw" other than me desperately trying to take a step back from the constant onslaught of work so I could rest. 

...and the history that LD's previous admin had a similar experience, but LD was not held accountable – that the best I could do was keep my head down and keep doing what I was doing to the best of my ability. 

I walk a fine line between LD and the rest of my duties and responsibilities. 

LD made it clear she is not capable of understanding my perspective, she has a different set of values and beliefs that do not align with mine.

There was no opportunity to discuss career path, goals – LD is uninterested and repeatedly tells me I need to do what she says and only that. 

I attempted to explain there really can't be "nothing else", I'm still office manager and the only POC for the entire office, along with the other roles I had within the company, she said she would take it away.  As this is the only facet of my work that brings me a sense of autonomy, this caused me great distress.  It made work increasingly difficult and when I asked again for accommodations - I was told to go to therapy. 

...and she responds, "He said you hyperventilated" I said, that's it? We had a whole conversation. I don't understand why he would say that, maybe it's because I had the mask on the whole time? My concerns regarding the office were never addressed again, and any follow-up I attempted with NR were disregarded.  LD told me I should NOT be concerned with anything in the Chicago office. 

I told LD that I feel very uncomfortable coming into the office and I'm really afraid of getting COVID. She would be completely dismissive and just say you'll be fine, you worry too much, you're too sensitive, you need to be more confident and I am trying to expressed to my manager valid concerns that she was dismissing.

I lived in fear I would be required to go back into the office – again, no autonomy, no ability to set boundaries, no ability to feel I had control over my own safety.  My fears were routinely dismissed, and I was made to feel I was being melodramatic.  Again, I was too sensitive, I worried too much, I just needed to do what LD said. 

The few times I have needed to go into the office, LD has been very vocal that I should not be doing that – and she can't quite grasp that I'm doing it because that was the role she hired me to do, the duties and responsibilities she entrusted me with, that I have no backup, and there is no budget to hire someone else to do that aspect of my job so that I can just be her admin.

...that I had already tried contacting HR, that all of my attempts to ask for reasonable accommodations were being dismissed, that I couldn't figure out how to get the help I needed and I needed her advocacy.  I had serious concerns for my mental and physical health, they were in steep decline, I was no longer able to get my basic needs met and the recent rounds of elimination were really exacerbating everything. 

I attempted to explain to ET that I do not have a backup for most of my roles, that there are many duties and responsibilities that no one else does and that further aggravates my ability to take dedicated time off.  I gave her the list of duties and responsibilities I had shared with LD previously.  Initially, she agreed I had too much on my plate.  I explained to her I already had solutions in place, but I needed to be supported and she said she would help me to find that support.  I trusted that.
I understand it is better to disclose a disability and request accommodation before job performance suffers or conduct problems occur. When an individual is prepared to disclose their disability because an accommodation is needed, the individual should inform someone who can act upon a request, such as a manager, supervisor, or human resources professional. The employee should make it known that an adjustment or change at work is needed for a reason related to a medical condition. According to the EEOC, the employee can use "plain English" and does not have to mention the ADA or use the phrase "reasonable accommodation."

*I was in a constant state of agitation which I shared with her - I explained the symptoms of my disability, I explained the resultant physical conditions and how LD's responses further aggravated the situation.  I provided multiple examples that show she repeatedly asked me to do tasks that required me to be in front of my laptop consistently before/after office hours and on weekends.

At that time, medical professionals were not making the connection between my symptoms and my disability, and as stated above, the only accommodation suggested by HR was "If I was mentally ill, I could take the day off with a doctor's note".

However, ET called me the moment my day off started, letting me know that LD was panicking, but not to worry, just go enjoy leave.  Upon my return, I asked LD if she had everything she needed, she said it was fine, but that MR (my backup) was not able to do one task – she seemed to imply it was my poor planning that caused this, and I reminded her that MR does not have the same access to her things as I did, and she said, "oh, never mind then".  However, ET brought this point up several times later. 

I asked ET please can you ask her to stop asking me for things on the weekends and before and after hours, I just need to be able to sleep...I still hadn't fully recovered from surgery.  I'm really past the point of being able to do my job proficiently, I needed to figure out how to take leave, please help me. 

I said, "I don't understand, I'm telling you I need to be put on leave and you're telling me I had to continue answering non urgent, arbitrary, last-minute requests at ALL hours?" 

I was told that LD claims I am "her person" and she panics when I am not available.  That the only way ET would be able to help me is if I worked on improving my situation with her - I don't understand how to communicate effectively, I ask her very directly for what information I need and she says "not following".

ET would then begin to question me in a way that didn't make sense.  Telling me I needed to choose between my office manager job or being an admin.  Telling me I needed to improve office procedures but also not spend any time working on office things.  Telling me her heart went out to me for the situation I was in, and then asking me what my goals were.  I told her, I could barely process what she was asking or why, all I heard was I was about to be eliminated. I was having cognitive issues due to my workplace conditions and not being able to attend to my wellbeing.  I didn't understand what was going on. I had been trying for 3 years to improve my relationship with LD and nothing I tried worked, I was at my wits end. 

I had asked colleagues who have worked with her how to talk to her so she will understand why I'm asking for the things I need and allow me that information.  I don't know how to get to the help I need and I am told repeatedly my only job should be to make sure I make LD happy....that when I do the other parts of my job, the ones that give me a sense of self, a sense that I'm doing a good job, that I'm making a difference, that I add value – that I then develop more confidence and feel less insecure (the qualities LD insisted I improve during my performance review) that it is "acting out" and "having an attitude" and I was being told I needed to "watch my step". 

At SKO - I've barely interacted with other people for so long, I was just mirroring other people's behavior and responding to their stories with my own experience. When I was trying to explain the dynamic of my relationship with others at work and the things I struggle with, it was to understand from other people that have been there, or have worked with her before. We were comparing experiences.

At no point was I complaining. I was just telling people how hard my job is sometimes because I have no one to bounce ideas off of or understand how to make her happy, because I know it's not me. She just needs for there to be something wrong. LD explained to me that when she gets mad she will just blow up at me, and then immediately forget about it. This is her preferred communication style and I should be ok with it. I've explained to my manager, this is what she does.  I've given her multiple examples, and would imagine they are well documented. 

The colleagues I spoke with explained to me that even the top C suite executives do not ask for the things LD does, that I should be allowed my time off, and I should be entitled to PTO.  This creates disconnect from reality, because I am hearing one thing experiencing another. This feeling is intensified when I work with colleagues on inclusion and diversity.  I see all of the accommodations that other people with disabilities are allowed to have, but I am being denied them.

I now understand that what I experienced at SKO was a trauma response.  I did not have the correct terms for it, but fortunately I was surrounded by compassionate, trauma informed colleagues that helped me name the situation for what it was.  As I continued to work through the practical defenses that were coming up for me, I named what I was feeling – this helped me to validate the experience.  Receiving validation from those around me that what I was experiencing was real and not my fault helped me.  It is very unfortunate that we as a company say we have DE&I but when it comes to actual inclusion, I have not been met with compassion, understanding, awareness or willingness to provide me the accommodations that were necessary before my symptoms escalated out of control.

I do not know which one of these things I've said is against code of conduct.  I am repeatedly told these are workplace violations.  I asked my manager, and she said she warned me not to say anything about my workplace situation, that because I interacted with my colleagues LD says she can no longer trust me and she no longer wants me to be her admin, that I've broken trust with her by saying I was told these are workplace violations, that I am in a toxic and abusive workplace situation, and I don't know what my rights are, but I know these are not sustainable conditions and I need help.  I was told these are serious allegations and I said I understood, but I needed help and I'm terrified of having my position be in jeopardy because of this, but it's completely unsustainable, I can't even think straight anymore, I really need help. 

I understand I'm not allowed to speak to anyone about my working conditions because LD considers it to be against code of conduct, and that she filed a complaint against me because I disclosed to my colleagues the affect supporting her has had on my physical and mental health.  It is framed that sharing that with my colleagues made them feel uncomfortable.  I understand it made LD feel uncomfortable because I've painted her in a bad light.  I always take care to be very diplomatic, saying she is a great leader and very supportive of her team, however LD does not consider me to be a part of her team, and she's made that clear to me in words and in actions.  She expects me to know my place or expect the consequences.  I need my job, I disclosed to RK the strain I was feeling both mentally and physically and how I had near constant anxiety about being eliminated.  Everyone says just make sure you keep LD happy, as long as LD is happy.  So to make Laura happy, I need to work evenings and weekends.  I reported that, but nothing ever came of it, I inquired, what happens when there is an HR complaint and I was told, it just goes to your manager.  Every attempt I have made to bring attention to the fact I feel I am in a hostile working condition just goes back to her. 

Throughout all of this, I still maintained my stance that I desired to be the change I wanted to see at Alight, working with leaders on how to fix broken processes, bringing advocacy and education, improving the Chicago office and making connections with leaders and colleagues that would support bringing about positive change. 

I have been a team of one throughout the period of time that LD was my manager, only having the freedom to actively work with my colleagues once ET became my manager.

Being location leader, office ambassador, Able leader gave me confidence, which LD indicated on my performance review that I should improve.  The work I do in these areas are the only time I take pride in what I'm doing.  When I overcome challenges and find success and want to share that success with my manager and am asked, "why are you doing that? You shouldn't be doing that, I'm going to take that away from you", it is psychologically threatening.  I am now punished for gaining confidence. 

I felt I had consistently gone above and beyond, looking for ways I can add value and do more for the benefit of alight.  I had meetings with security and MH at SKO to help me improve processes, I met with ppl that have a job I think I'd be good at. I truly felt I was making progress in so many areas and instead of feeling supported in these endeavors to better the company as a whole and feel a sense of purpose, I feel as though I have done some egregious violation, but no one will explain to me what it was. 

To say you never know what someone else is struggling with, so be kind always is an understatement.  To allow them the reasonable accommodations they need to be able to continue to treat the disability should be a right every person has, not just those with organizationally understood disabilities.  To my knowledge, we do not have anyone trauma informed that can help me advocate for myself regarding this situation.  I have been doing all the work alone, to the detriment of my health.  The more I ask for these accommodations, the more the symptoms of my disability are being held against me, creating an atmosphere that feels oppressive, toxic, abusive.  I cannot continue to exist, let alone thrive unless I get these accommodations implemented and am paired with a manager that can truly advocate for my wellbeing.

Deciding that you deserve to be treated with kindness enables you to construct healthy boundaries.

Enduring toxicity isn't bragging rights; choosing not to is. It's time to flip the switch; decide that you deserve better, and let that decision fuel healthy growth.

Lie to me or don't lie to me it does not impact my value and it doesn't ultimately impact my trajectory because in the end I choose how I respond to my circumstances and the power you have over me is only what I give you and if you choose to lie to me rather than engage in a genuine exchange it's not my loss but yours it's not me who loses out and looks stupid but you because you had a wonderful opportunity to meet me on the level of authentic connection and here you are having lost that chance it's a shame for you but still an opportunity for me because now I get to witness just how powerful my ability is to sustain faith and to trust in the face of suffering especially for someone who suffers from a lack of faith and trust and this allows me to burn off what false premises I may have harbored around distrusting myself and my power moving forward so thank you for reminding me of my strength my faith and my power.

I'm experiencing exactly what my body knows to do given what I've experienced given the the state of survival that I am in this is a this is a natural response to this that I'm not broken.

It is only natural for our body to go into survival mode and when we enter that state of survival the cognitive rational logical thinking part of our brain goes offline so it is not operating at optimal capacity essentially and so when we're trying to make huge decisions.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker

...envy had been percolating below the surface of my awareness i was deeply envious of this gorgeous buffet of familial love that i had never experienced or even witnessed before.

...these memories also viscerally informed me about the kind of relational love I had never seen in my own or my friends families as I digested this experience over the years and used it to overcome my denial about what i had missed out on as a child...

cptsd is a learned set of responses and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks.  This means that is environmentally not genetically caused. In other words, unlike most of the diagnoses it is confused with, it is neither inborn nor characterological.  As such, it is learned.  It is not inscribed in your DNA. It is a disorder caused by nurture (or rather the lack of it) not nature - this is especially good news because what is learned can be unlearned.

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling states of being an abused abandoned child.  These feeling states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation,  terror, dissociation and helplessness (and in my case, Fawning - which is rarely if ever discussed).

In an emotional flashback you can regress instantly into feeling and thinking that you are as worthless and contemptible as your family perceived you when you are stranded.  In a flashback, toxic shame devolves into an intensely painful alienation of the abandonment mélange - a roiling morass of shame, fear, 2
and depression.  The abandonment mélange is the fear and toxic shame that surrounds and interacts with the abandonment/depression, the abandonment/depression itself is the deadened feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that afflicts traumatized children.

In most cases verbal ventilation of the flashback pain underneath it will deconstruct the [emotional loop I am stuck in that I need to process/feel attuned/validated]

They will lie straight to your face and they will lie in ways that demean you and they will refuse to acknowledge they did say that or they did do that and you think you're going crazy.  You can't force a narcissist into accountability, and you can't get them to recognize that they're lying. They shouldn't be and they even need to have integrity to keep a relationship with you because firstly, the narcissist doesn't care about lying- it's a means to an end and secondly a narcissist can't see you as a blood-bone autonomous human being who deserves respect and integrity - they're disinterested in that.  The third thing is they're not interested in harmony, teamwork, unity, and cooperation because then they can't be at the top.  Being superior and you're controlled to be inferior, so they're not even after what you're after.

The portrayals that you receive from a narcissist can only equate to you didn't matter and they don't even see you as a human who deserves kindness care or respect or or truth or honesty

The connection should be authentic,  In other words, as children we should feel like it's okay to be our authentic selves and we should not be suffering from rejection we should not be suffering from the abandonment of a parent or parental retaliation and attaching to a parent is akin to survival,  If I'm not able to attach, if I'm not able to feel connected to you then that threatens me in terms of my survival, My brain feels threatened by this and I think it's so incredible that we are born knowing when we are safe and when we are not.  Our brain will wire appropriately so our stress response system will get triggered and our little beings know that we are not attaching in a healthy way, that this is a threatening environment - we're not being touched the way we should be, we're not being coddled the way we should be, we're not being fed the way we should be - whatever is going on - an environment that's sending this little baby signals that we're not attaching means that we're sensing abandonment and that's tied to survival.  Attaching is akin to survival, so being abandoned is also tied to survival - it triggers the flight or flight fawning response, and so this is why so many of us who experience emotional abandonment early on in childhood or various forms of abuse where we feel disconnected from our parents, we end up living in a state state of hyper vigilance, unaware that we're in a state of hyper vigilance because our survival has been threatened,

When a child learns that they can't be authentic with their parents, well there's a great price - they have to disconnect from the self. It's too scary. You're not too worried about your emotions and how are you feeling that day ,you're worried about the danger that comes along.  Without the ability (the soft space) where I'm able to explore who I am, I'm able to explore my emotions, then neurologically I'm not even wired for a sense of self I am forced to look out of myself for survival.  This becomes a survival strategy - looking outside of myself, my survival was tied to what's going on outside of me and so those of us who struggle with codependency there's a lack of self because as children so often times we're forced to look outside of ourselves, we're forced to look and see what's going on in our environment - we're left in the space of self-abandonment and we don't even know we're not connected to the self. We maybe never connected at all ever and no wonder we feel so lost as adults. It's difficult for people who have never really understood what went wrong.

Abuse by Omission - that's when abuse happens when something doesn't happen - your emotions aren't being attuned to, you're not being nurtured, you're upset and it's going ignored or you cry and you're told come over here I'll give you something to cry about or you cry or get emotional and you're told you have no right to get emotional. 

What should happen is as a child you should have a parent that's attuning themselves to you so there's this natural hierarchy and you know that this person is paying attention to you and your needs and that your needs are going to be met by this other person. When that doesn't happen a child is left to their own devices and unfortunately lots of all the time a child assumes that they're the reason they're not getting what they need.  Now we have shame, we have self-abandonment, a lack of self, and whoever I think I am I think is bad, it must be my fault that I can't get gain love.  It's a downward spiral of more and more and more and more a self-abandonment.

So many videos start out so good and completely devolve into talking about co-dependent behaviors.  Sigh. 

People-pleasing is sometimes referred to as the "fawning" trauma response because it's so closely associated with overly-appeasing behaviors and cycles of codependency. An example of people-pleasing is making decisions to please your parents at whatever cost.

Said to be first coined by Pete Walker, M.A., MFT, individuals who respond to trauma with fawning or people-pleasing tend to "seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others." This means that a person will do whatever they can to avoid conflict—including abandoning their own needs, agreeing with their abuser, and going out of their way to receive approval or avoid abuse. Fawners may experience high levels of shame or guilt or believe they're worthy only of conditional love.

What kind of trauma causes people to be pleasing?
The fawn response is usually demonstrated by people who have been exposed to repeated traumatic events, as opposed to a one-time traumatic event such as a car crash or bad breakup. Fawning is most commonly associated with childhood trauma, relational trauma, and complex trauma—such as ongoing partner violence. Complex trauma can become even more problematic when coupled with the collective trauma that occurs from experiences like the COVID-19 pandemic.

for many people dealing with long term psychological trauma or complex PTSD, any perceived threat can be construed as an imminent danger, thus triggering an almost instinctual fawning trauma response.

EA, i relate to not having a sense of self due to it being ignored or not allowed when i was growing up.  i also relate to fawning, and i think it's been discussed here a lot under the banner of people pleasing.  i have been one all my life, was trained to be that way and did it very well.  unfortunately, as you mentioned, i had to look at others to find some kind of form for myself.  looking back, well, it's quite depressing.  love and hugs :hug:

What does abandonment do to the brain?  It does a number on the brain - it's like the state of anti-humanness.  We are so made for resonant, warm connection with each other.  Our bodies are made to be in is this wonderful state of being with people that feel safe.   Safe enough to be able to goof around and laugh. We have special receptors in our skin that only pick up skin warmth from other humans and our companion animals.  Those little receptors in our skin, they don't feel the sun's heat, they don't feel heat from a radiator, they they don't work in that temperature range - they only light up in the temperature range of other human bodies around us.  That's why it can feel so good to feel the warmth of others.  We're made to be social, so the experience of somebody important to us going away - especially when we were counting on them being there - leaves a terrible cortisol hit in the human body. 

There are circuits in humans (and other mammals) that do different things in the human brain. The circuit that knows whether or not we're abandoned is the panic/grief circuit and when somebody important to us goes away, it's like all the feel-good neurotransmitters disappear and the stress neurotransmitter cortisol spikes.  It creates this kind of the rug being pulled out from under our feet. We could use that as a metaphor but in the brain it's the neurochemicals being pulled out from under our feet and it's hard on us. 

The prefrontal cortex needs to grow these neurons that hold the amygdala - they'd say, "of course you were abandoned" you know and acknowledge the shock. I think part of the the need for healing that happens with abandonment is the need to acknowledge shock and helplessness.  We kind of come toward ourselves and hold our little baby selves that may have lived through experiences of alarmed aloneness and we hold our grown-up selves who have broken hearts but once we start to actually turn toward ourselves nobody can abandon us again.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 2

A list of some of the most common developmental arrests that occur in c-ptsd.  You may find that you experience a diminishment or absence of these key features of a healthy human being.  Typically survivors will vary on which and how many of these arrests relate to them.  Factors affecting this are:

• your 4f type
  your childhood abuse neglect pattern
  your innate nature
  any recovery work that you have already accomplished
  self-acceptance
  clear sense of identity
  self-compassion
  self-protection
  capacity to draw comfort from relationship
  ability to relax
  capacity for full self-expression
  willpower
  motivation
  peace of mind
  self-care
  belief that life is a gift
  self-esteem
  self-confidence

Effective recovery is unwinding the natural potential you were born with out of your unconscious.  This is your innate potential which may be as yet unrealized because of your childhood trauma, an especially tragic developmental arrest that afflicts many survivors is the loss of their willpower and self-motivation.

Remedying this developmental arrest is essential because many new psychological studies now show that persistence even
more than intelligence or innate talent is the key psychological characteristic necessary for finding fulfillment in life. 

Cognitive healing - the first level of recovery usually involves repairing the damage that c-ptsd wreaks on our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves.  Cognitive recovery work aims to make your brain user friendly.  It focuses on recognizing and eliminating the destructive thoughts and thinking processes you were indoctrinated with in childhood.  Cognitive healing also depends on learning to choose healthy and more accurate ways of talking to and thinking about yourself.  On the broadest level, this involves upgrading the story you tell yourself about your pain.  Our journey of recovering this work then requires us to build a fierce allegiance to ourselves.  Such loyalty strengthens us for the cognitive work of freeing our brains from being conditioned to attack so many normal parts of ourselves.  Cognitive work is fundamental to helping you dis-identify from the self-hating critic with which your parents instilled in you. 

Early abuse and abandonment forces the child to merge his identity with the superego - the part of the child's brain that learns the rules of his caretakers in order to get and maintain acceptance.  However, because acceptance is impossible in the c-ptsd engineering family the superego gets stuck working overtime to achieve the impossible.

c-ptsd inducing parents thwart the growth of the ego by undermining the development of the crucial egoic processes of self-compassion and self-protection.  They do this by shaming or intimidating you whenever you have a natural impulse to have sympathy for yourself or stand up for yourself.  The instinct to care for yourself and to protect yourself against unfairness is then forced to become dormant. 

I appreciate you sharing about your learning from Pete Walker's book.  It was a helpful tool for me.

 rainydiary  :hug:

This conversation triggered me to the point I was up all night.  My brain gnawed on this like a dog with a bone. I'm so upset.

As discussed in our connect on Monday, May 22:

Return from LOA Accommodations- confirmation of schedule from 5/22-6/1 (8:30 a.m. -12:30 p.m.)

I requested flexibility in my schedule, so if I was feeling triggered or trapped, I could get up and walk away from my work computer without fear of retaliation.  I was not given the opportunity to discuss my accommodations or why they were needed. I was asked, "what is your schedule?" and I felt pressured to respond immediately.  I asked several times, letting my manager know it was dependent on what my duties and responsibilities would be, who I would be working with, etc.

Set schedule start/end time 8:30 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. CST.  I ask that you let me know when you are taking your lunch break and place your status as away with message-on lunch, contact ET/backup during this time.

I thought I would have the opportunity to make it clear that I was flexing my time so that I could continue to take breaks as needed, using my "lunch break" to continue treatment for my disability.  Being locked into this schedule and penalized if I work outside of this feels threatening.

Expectation to not login after hours, weekends, and Holidays for any work related tasks including catch up, reading emails, etc...
This should be rephrased to say, the expectation is that I will not be requested to work.  The way it is phrased/interpreted implies that I will be penalized if I try to work in a manner that reduces the symptoms of my disability

Ensure to communicate with ET when tasks are due that will fall after hours so arrangements can be made with backups. 
This should be rephrased to Ensure to communicate with ET when it is requested that I complete tasks outside of my working hours To me (super sensitive about it) it implies that due to my "restrictive" schedule of *gasp* asking to be treated like a human, I have to announce to everyone if I haven't gotten my work done by the end of the day.  Instead of, as a supportive manager saying, "this accommodation is in place to ensure you don't feel like you can't say no to your superior when they ask you to do something unreasonable.

New alignments will be to support X,Y,Z- officially May 30th These are not NEW alignments, these are the people I supported UNDER my abuser. I have been removed from supporting my abuser

ET to send communication to these leaders that you will step in to support. (ET will CC EA on that communication)
EA to work with M on transitional for X,Y,Z this week. They don't ask for anything, aside from expense reports, there's nothing to transition

This week is to focus on email catch up, any transitional/step down items, company required courses, goal setting.
Step down from  location leader role, Abuser to be listed as location leader Being removed from a part of my job that gave me a sense of accomplishment and belonging
Office manager role is no longer needed go forward Demoted - again losing a part of my job that I was doing well in.  The pain point was I was doing it in isolation and asked for support.
Step down from the group I founded as a leader, can participate in the CLC as an ally/active participant.
Meet weekly with ET to stay connected, ensure EA is getting the support/coaching and help problem solve any situations that arise. (Thursdays) I'm really curious to understand what her definition of support is, because it's wildly different than mine.
ET to provide agenda for weekly meeting a day before - This was requested so I can cognitively prepare for our meetings going forward, I doubt it'll help, she's so triggering, but how else am I supposed to get any semblance of control in my own life?

So now that I've been removed from every aspect of my duties and responsibilities aside from checking my email...they can completely justify eliminating my position when they re-org again in June.  !@%#$%$

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 2 (cont'd)

c-ptsd engendering parents often hypocritically attack their children's emotional expression in a bimodal way.  This occurs when the child is both abused for emoting and is at the same time abused by her caretakers toxic emotional expression.  Most traumatizing parents are especially contemptuous towards the child's expression of emotional pain. This contempt then forces the child's all-important capacity for healthy grieving into developmental arrest. One archetypal example of this is seen in the parent who hurts his child to the point of tears and then has the nerve to say stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.

Emotional abuse is also almost always accompanied by emotional abandonment which can most simply be described as a relentless lack of parental warmth and love.  Sometimes this is most poignantly described as not being liked by your parents.

The rejecting responses of our parents to our emotional expression alienates us from our feelings, emotional abuse neglect scares us out of our own emotions while simultaneously making us terrified of other people's feelings

Grieving is the key process for reconnecting with our repressed emotional intelligence.  Grieving reconnects us with our full complement of feelings.  Grieving is necessary to help us release and work through our pain about the terrible losses of our childhoods.  These losses are like deaths of parts of ourselves and grieving can often initiate their rebirth. 

Grieving and verbal ventilation - grieving restores our crucial developmentally arrested capacity to verbally ventilate.  Verbal ventilation is the penultimate grieving practice. It is speaking from your feelings in a way that releases and resolves your emotional distress. Verbal ventilation is the key bonding process in intimacy.

In the traumatizing family there is little or nothing that is good enough and hence little for which to be grateful. The child instead is forced to over develop a critic that hyper focuses on what is dangerously imperfect in her as well as others. This sometimes helps her to hide aspects of herself that might be punished. It may further assist her to avoid people who might be punishing.  Unfortunately, years of this habituates the child into only seeing herself, life, and others in a negative light. Consequently, when she grows up and becomes free of her truly harmful family she cannot see that life offers her many new possibilities her ability to see the good in herself and certain safe enough others remains developmentally arrested.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 2 (cont'd)

We need to comprehend the physical damage that cptsd wreaks on our bodies to motivate us to adopt practices that help us to heal on this level. Most of the physiological damage of extended trauma occurs because we are forced to spend so much time in hyper arousal. Stuck in fight flight freeze or fawn mode when we are chronically stressed out - stuck in sympathetic nervous system activation - detrimental somatic changes become ingrained in our bodies.  Here are some of the most common examples of body harming reactions to cptsd stress:

Hyper vigilance, shallow and incomplete breathing, constant adrenalization, armoring (meaning chronic muscle tightness) wear and tear from rushing and armoring, inability to be fully present relaxed and grounded in our bodies, sleep problems from being over activated, digestive disorders from a tightened
digestive tract, physiological damage from excessive self-medication with alcohol food or drugs.

Moreover, in cases of physical and sexual abuse our capacities to be physically comforted by touch are eliminated or compromised and in cases of verbal and emotional abuse our capacities to be comforted by eye and voice contact are undeveloped or seriously diminished.

i totally relate to these last 2 paragraphs, EA.  sometimes it's very helpful to see it printed out, even after knowing all this is true.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 24, 2023, 10:41:51 PM
i totally relate to these last 2 paragraphs, EA.  sometimes it's very helpful to see it printed out, even after knowing all this is true.  love and hugs :hug:

Agreed.  :hug:

 :wave: Eireanne,

Hyper vigilance, shallow and incomplete breathing, constant adrenalization, armoring (meaning chronic muscle tightness) wear and tear from rushing and armoring, inability to be fully present relaxed and grounded in our bodies, sleep problems from being over activated, digestive disorders from a tightened
digestive tract, physiological damage from excessive self-medication with alcohol food or drugs.

Moreover, in cases of physical and sexual abuse our capacities to be physically comforted by touch are eliminated or compromised and in cases of verbal and emotional abuse our capacities to be comforted by eye and voice contact are undeveloped or seriously diminished.

Thank you for sharing these excerpts from Peter Walker's book.  I hadn't read this yet and gee it so resonates with me.

There are a lot of CPTSD symptoms I have not known what to call them but have experienced forever it seems.     For example armoring.  I have known and felt this in my body for years and have been unable to get rid of it and didn't know it had a name. 

Thank you Eireanne

Recognize these Subtle but Extremely Real Forms of Emotional Abuse.

Abuse is not clear-cut and emotional abuse is particularly confusing. Everything seems fine but everything is NOT fine.

Abuse can come in many forms. It can exist between colleagues. Nothing was obvious. I often felt triggered but I would look unreasonable if I pointed out what had upset me.  Everything felt wrong but I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  Due to childhood trauma, I couldn't discern between abuse and love. The moment I understood what abuse looked like, everything changed.

"The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do." Unknown

Emotional abuse is not so easy to spot, it is insidious. The hidden nature of emotional abuse is what makes it so damaging.

Psychological manipulation has deep and lasting effects on your mental and physical health. My autoimmune diseases were a direct result of the abusive environment I was in.

All forms of abuse are about power and control. Abusers use underhanded tactics to manipulate your behavior and perceptions. They use aggression and control to keep you in line.

The emotional abuser attacks a person's inherent value and their personhood. They take pleasure in or get relief from diminishing someone.

These behaviors can be direct or indirect, overt or covert. Often, the only visible sign that anything is going on is how you FEEL in the relationship. You don't feel good, but you can't quite put your finger on it. That's because your abuser uses covert and hidden tactics that seem small and insignificant. Yet, you feel like you've just been sucker punched. Emotional abusers are manipulative and coercive.

Many people find the word abuse too strong and think it doesn't apply to them because they haven't been hit. Abuse is complex and is often hard to define, especially if it is covert, or hidden, or ambient.

From: https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/recognize-these-subtle-but-extremely-real-forms-of-emotional-abuse-2d5a6be0d789

Quote from: Moondance on May 25, 2023, 05:15:10 AM
:wave: Moondance


There are a lot of CPTSD symptoms I have not known what to call them but have experienced forever it seems.     For example armoring.  I have known and felt this in my body for years and have been unable to get rid of it and didn't know it had a name. 

I didn't know either and part of the reason why I post things I come across...this is all brand new for me to have names for things I am experiencing.

If you (or anyone) is interested, I found the book on YouTube. https://youtu.be/E2yIjz5lqDY I hope it's not in violation to share that here.  Still learning the rules :)

10 Pet Peeves That Reflect Childhood Trauma Wounds

1. Being cut off in traffic or line can trigger the wound of being pushed aside like you do not matter or are not seen/valued.
2. Being interrupted can trigger the wound of being talked over by caregivers and treated like our words do not matter.
3. Eating a meal with someone on their phone can trigger the wound of being ignored.
4. Waiting can trigger the wound of not knowing if needs will be met.
5. Being put on the spot can trigger the wound of being in trouble.
6. One-uppers can trigger the wound of being dismissed.
7. People who constantly talk about their diet can trigger the wound of body shame.
8. Being lied to can trigger the wound of being unable to trust.
9. Passive-aggressive behavior can trigger a wound of behavior experienced in childhood.
10. Being teased can trigger the wound of having boundaries violated.

I love Pete Walker's books. I have 2 that have been very helpful - CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving, and The Tao of Fully Feeling. 

I couldn't agree more about allowing ourselves to grieve to express the pain of what happened to us.  I've been in a grieving process for about 3.5 years, and I have less pain that I'm carrying around inside me than I used to.  I also find I don't get as easily triggered, although I do still get triggered.  One of my big triggers is people who try to one up me, and talk to me in a contemptuous or disdainful way.  I'm getting better about standing up to this.

 Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 3

c-ptsd almost always has emotional neglect at its core. A key outcome of this is that the child has no one in his formative years who models the relational skills that are necessary to create intimacy. When the developmental need to practice healthy relating with a caretaker is unmet survivors typically struggle to find and maintain healthy supportive relationships in their adult lives. 

The origin of social anxiety - a child who grows up with no reliable human source of love support and protection typically falls into a great deal of social unease.

The terrible absence of love or its abrupt premature termination is extremely painful and its loss is very difficult to address. We cannot help desperately wanting the unconditional love we were so unfairly deprived of but we cannot as adults expect others to supply our unmet early entitlement needs.

Trauma brain word vomit Might be a trigger warning...

My truth is, I was being bullied.  I followed work protocol (which is utter bs because they are making me RETAKE the code of conduct course) so I'm literally being tested if I understand if I am being bullied I am to go to my manager (well, my manager was the one bullying me) and then go to HR (well HR was having regular meetings with HR about who to fire this month) and if that doesn't work file an ethics complaint (I did, twice) and when I finally broke down and told people verbally what was going on, and the code of conduct says if you hear something in good faith it's your duty to report it.  So I DID.  SAY IT VERBALLY...sorry inner child yelling....I told everyone she was bullying me. and they went and told her. and she told my manager that I violated code of conduct. So I got written up.  and in the reprimand from my manager it says something like, "sometimes, when we say things that we think is funny, it's really inappropriate for the workplace...That's where my trauma is, so I haven't been able to deal with this part.  She was like, well I warned you not to tell anyone what was going on, I said if you keep your mouth shut, I would have gotten you help, I TOLD you I was going to talk to HR, you just needed to be patient, but because you said something, I can't help you. 

Only....she'll say that's not what she really said...because of my relational trauma, sometimes I interpret things....through my trauma brain, so it's like I'm a kid and my mom is yelling at me, and my boyfriend is gaslighting me, and my manager is telling me I am going to lose my job unless I can figure out how to make her happy....and it's like, how could I have possibly made her happy? I couldn't make my abuser happy, I couldn't make my mom happy, I do EVERYTHING I can never have needs, I have to not sleep and not eat and not shower because she might need something and she's STILL not happy....and you're (my current manager, if you're still following) telling me that because I disclosed I was experiencing serious workplace violations, I'm now going to lose my job??? Why? What did I do wrong? Because I said she was bullying me? And it embarrassed her?  Did you not HEAR how I was living?  Did you gloss over the part where I TOLD you, I was not sleeping or eating or showering because I was scared ALL. THE. TIME.  and then I realize, you don't care either.  You are...you have been...siding with her the whole time, and feeding me enough rope to hang myself. 

And in this mindset....I tucked my tail between my legs and I went back to work and I said, happy to come back, what do you need me to do...and then my bully came back and heard what it was proposed I was going to do and said no, I don't want her doing that.  So....yeah, I have no role at my job.

And everyone says, Oh...so good for you, you have the gift of time...use it to find another job.  But again...skipping over the...can't eat...can't sleep....can't....only I can.  and I am...but it's taking ALL of my spoons (for those of you that understand spoon theory) There's just enough spoons for the self care I DO have.  For the reading the book and having words, that I can use to tell my therapist (which I will lose if I lose my job and I lose my health insurance I lose treatment for recovery.  And then I lose the ONE thing I had.  The ONE hour a week I have to share the burden of this trauma with someone else.  Everything else is just doing the work myself.  It's so hard, I keep doing it...but how am I supposed to get through an interview...and be faced with that level of enormous amounts of rejection on a daily basis....and this is where I stay trapped and I hate it here.  I cannot hear stuff like, It's hard but you will get through this.

I just really need a hug.  I need a mom.  I need to just be a kid for a little bit and I think the last time I was able to be a kid was age 7.  I've been adulting every since.  I have been alone...no one I really could ever depend on which is NOT true.  I have plenty of people....that are telling me You're doing an amazing job navigating some devastatingly hard,

It just hurts so bad.  So I'm going to let my inner child watch a movie. 

 :bighug:

I am in my trauma right now. But, self induced, as I am about to have a much needed appointment with my therapist. This week has been a roller coaster, and I will put my thoughts into the highs and lows...after my trauma wears off.

I need to be in it, so my therapist can FULLY understand what the root of the problem is, and not waste time with "so, this is what happened at work this week".  I wish more people understood that.  I wish more THERAPISTS understood that...I wouldn't have wasted so many years having CBT forced down my throat.  Ugh, unfortunately, that's what ended up happening, but I mean, I told her all the trauma parts and she validated everything and explained to me that my responses have been totally normal, that they have NO understanding of how to implement my accommodations so they are overcorrecting, etc.

I just realized why I resonate to discordia so much....Eris suffers from social isolation too....so does Maleficent.  She literally had one friend, one love, and he betrayed her.  She responded exactly the way anyone would in her position, but society paints her out to be a villain.

Thank you for the hug Armee

Hello natureluvr, the person narrating the book mentioned that other book, so I'm going to look for it after I finish this one...Sadly, I can't listen to it for long periods of time. 

here's a hug, EA   :bighug:, warm and embracing, reaching your inner child who has been so needful of warmth and caring, and rightfully so.  i sincerely hope you don't lose your job - this crapola just isn't fair.  sending love, a cuddly, a warm blanket to snuggle under, and a hug full of peace. :hug:

Thank you so much for the hug sanmagic  :hug:

I have had a very distorted view of myself, for the entirety of my life, caused by being born into a toxic environment that skewed my understanding of acceptable behavior. By the time I got to college, I was so beaten down, I didn't know who I was, who I wanted to be, or what made me happy, all I knew is to put my own feelings aside and attempt to make others happy, do for others, be what other people wanted me to be and cry out in anguish when I was feeling a disconnect between the authentic self hidden underneath and how I was allowing myself to be treated by others. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, I thought if I made my needs clear then there shouldn't be any misunderstandings, but time and time again there were, and it led to more and more disconnect, hiding who I wanted to be in favor of who others told me I was.

I allowed my fears to get the better of me, and to stay with people who manipulated those fears in a way that mirrored my controlled and toxic childhood. The saddest part of all of this, I was not conscious of any of this going on, because I didn't have a model for any alternative, I just assumed this was what life was, and the more I fought against it, the more discontented I became, I assumed I just needed to allow these things to happen without complaint, so I could find happiness.

I wasn't aware that my behavior, and the way I talked to myself in my own head were perpetuating a cycle of negativity that affected the way I spoke out loud, the way I presented myself...the way I continuously allowed myself to be treated, and I would find myself in situations that I didn't have the understanding to get out of in a way that didn't destroy everything in its wake.

I lost myself in my attempt to be the person I thought would be more likeable, one who would fit in, get along, succeed, but there was always something off and I didn't see what it was. I felt everyone around me could see it, and they were all waiting for me to figure it out, but I couldn't and for that I couldn't forgive myself.  I spoke to myself in my head the way the people who didn't have my best interests at heart spoke to me, people that for whatever reason could not see the damage they inflicted, perhaps due to their own pain.

By always focusing on the critical and the negative, you may be stunting your progress in certain areas of your life.

Your personal and emotional needs must be fulfilled in order for you to be your best. Satisfaction comes from emotional needs fulfilled. Once fulfilled, needs seem to disappear. 

"Respect my existence or expect my resistance". 

New Years IS an arbitrarily determined point in our planet's orbit

Each day is a new beginning. You have strength within you. Look inwards for help saying what needs to be said & doing what needs to be done.

it is often a highly cooperative species, not the highly competitive, that survive dramatic shifts.

You increase your own good when you give your gifts. There are no limits to the amount of good you can experience!

Remember that stress doesn't come from what's going on in your life. It comes from your thoughts about what's going on. – av

Some balls you juggle are glass and others are plastic. When you drop a plastic ball it sucks but it bounces and won't break.  When you drop a glass ball it shatters, so the key is knowing which are glass and which are plastic. It always sucks to drop balls but as long as they're not glass it'll be ok.

Sometimes, life launches another ball to juggle that throws off the balance, however delicate, which has snowball effects that touch every aspect of life.

My biggest trick when you don't want to do something is pretend you're doing it as a favor for someone else, like one of your favorite people and eventually realize YOU should be your favorite person, so you are doing it for future you...they'll thank you for it :)

Something I wrote a few weeks ago that I'm just getting to now....

My mom had two friends and I was friends with their daughters...until HS when one of the daughters was really into drugs and I didn't want to be around her - so I eventually told my mom, who told her mom, who put her in treatment and she never forgave me.  But it was more than that...she had a boyfriend and I didn't understand the dynamic, or how I fit in, so I would mirror her behavior...I would often mirror everyone's behavior, just trying to figure out how to...be? And all her friends told her I was trying to "steal" her boyfriend, even though she knew me and knew that wasn't what I was doing, but she never talked to me about it...it was only years later, we were having what I thought was a reunion dinner and she basically ripped into me, telling me what a horrible human being I was, and never spoke to me again. Most people just stop speaking to me and I never understand why, I'm so confused.  Over the smallest things that usually are a result of me wanting autonomy, and over and over I'm just crushed that once again no one really understands and everyone assumes my intentions.

My thing is, when asked a question, I can never think of a spontaneous response, I always want time to think about it...even icebreaker questions.  I spend all the time trying to think of an answer and not listening to anyone else's responses.

The realization I've had recently is most people can't even ask themselves their own why...they don't have self awareness, and if they can't even be interested in themselves, how would I expect them to be interested in me with anything beyond a surface level?  I've spent my whole life being told I think wrong, or overthink, or...some sort of failing, when the truth is, I've just wanted someone to see me...instead of telling me who they think I am, or worse, assuming how I am without even checking for confirmation...

I think that's what my work doesn't understand, I need to mirror people, I need things modeled for me and I need connections with peers...because these are skills I never learned, and because of the isolation, I don't have opportunities to practice.  I don't even THINK about what I need, because I spend all my time making sure everyone else's needs are met, no one ever even considers that I have needs.

I'm trying desperately to sort out so many things for my own understanding and I can't find the words that I need right now, so I keep looping.  All I can do right now is read through my notes and post and try to make sense of things.

Did you know? Ongoing exposure to things like emotional abuse, threatening behaviors, or sexual or racial harassment can result in PTSD in the workplace. It can be prompted by less overtly egregious but persistent career harms such as chronic overwork; unrealistic performance expectations; not being given the resources to succeed at your job; undelivered promises; boundary violations such as expecting you to do work when on vacation; and not allowing you to use your benefits like vacation, sick time, or leave — cues that tell employees they aren't psychologically safe at work. Members of marginalized populations are more likely to experience workplace PTSD because they already deal with the traumas of racism and discrimination. Companies have a crucial role to play in supporting employees who are dealing with challenges that result in significant mental and emotional duress, like post-traumatic stress disorder.

@armee, thank you for the hug as well...I missed it in refreshing the entry I was posting, but it is much appreciated.  I still struggle to acknowledge all the wonderful support I receive from this community. It is not intentional.

I'm looking for opportunities for growth. My current company does not have a path for growth for admins. The admins that work in my company are career admins. The other option seems to be salary promotion or scale promotion to project manager with the understanding that you're still doing the duties and responsibilities you had when you were an admin.

I am all for starting work early and staying late and I'm definitely not one of those people that punch out at exactly 5 PM but I didn't anticipate the strain that it would have on me physically and mentally to be doing that nonstop for the past 10 years. I really need to work with a manager who is going to understand that I do my best work when I am allowed rest. And I'm terrified of resting in my current position because of the continual layoffs that have absolutely nothing to do with performance, but I have to make sure that I'm not giving them any ammunition that they can hold against me. Which means that I am a constant straight state of anxiety worried about dropping balls because if I mess up I could that could be the thing that causes me to get eliminated during the next round of layoffs. Not to mention the fact the trend seems to be to fire the elderly women who aren't close enough to retirement but are too old to be able to find employment.

Poor planning on your part no longer constitutes an emergency on my part. Thank you

If you're monitoring your emails every day of your PTO, it's not really PTO.

The three qualities every amazing employee has:

Do good work

Do work on time

Easy to work with


Going back to work has retraumatized me.  I tried to work on things that help, and vented to people about what was going on, or journaled, or did all the other things that I do when I procrastinate and realized I was asking for help but not getting the help I needed because my words were coming out wrong. I don't understand why I do this...it's so inconvenient, so I need to write everything down until I figure out what I'm really trying to say.  And I still don't...so I decide, it's getting too close to bed, I don't want to be distraught, so I will decompress...and it works, until 3:40am when brain decided it's a great time to puzzle out why I'm being retraumatized.  I ran through the situation over and over, and I recognize, I just need to work on it, I need to spend the bulk of my day on it, but I really just wanted to sleep...and so now, as I want to stop, and rest, because I've already processed a fair chunk and I still haven't even gotten to the recent emails from her I need to correct...and I'm afraid the same thing will happen, unless I get out as much as I can before I fall asleep, enough for my brain to say, ok, we've actually processed it all. 

It's like my trauma comes in three parts - 1. my brain overthinks it (annoying) 2. I word vomit it at someone (shame) 3. My brain wakes me up at (insomnia) o'clock to ruminate about it over and over again.  I then go fractal, and all my parts work on different aspects of the situation.  One part tells me why I'm upset, one part tells me how we feel about that, one part has to be the mom and hug us, one part has to validate what happened.  If I'm in the middle of all of this and someone talks to me, I inadvertently may word vomit on them. 

This is the part I need help saying.  I have a disability.  When my disability is (activated?) the following symptoms of, lack of cognitive processing and word vomit caused cognitive awareness of the situation, which immediately triggered an AH, and every week I'm required to have a conversation with the manager that triggered all this betrayal I have an EF to the first time this happened at SKO, because I haven't fully processed that event, it is retraumatizing me.  I need enough time in treatment for this event to not to continue to be retraumatized from it, but I have been threatened with losing all of that if I speak to anyone about this incident.  It is hard for me not to feel threatened and retaliated upon.

I need to send this and the other post, as well as all the email exchanges, and I still have to make corrections which will in turn be re-traumatizing. 

I need to explain to AJ that the help I need is not the help I need but I need to clarify something first. 

The situation of her sitting me down in an office and looking right at me and telling me, when I'm telling her, "i can't process anything right now, I don't understand what you're saying.  I can only hear I'm being eliminated and I don't understand why.  I did X,Y, Z and followed the code of conduct  You said, if I follow the code of conduct policy you would advocate for me to get me the help I needed.  I trusted you, I believed you, and you sat there and told me because I said that LD is a bully and my mental and physical health have been negatively affected and I need help...and because you warned me not to say anything to anyone about that.  Because I did, it got back to LD and it made her uncomfortable.  Which is understandable.  She sent word back to me that I was to discontinue saying anything negative about her.  I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the weekend. 

A colleague came over to me and said it sounds like I'm a victim ( cannot remember how it was phrased, it's part of my cognitive ??) but I do not want her to be involved, everyone that was witness to the situation does not want to speak up for fear of retaliation, and I understand my position is being eliminated, as do they, I do not want to put anyone else's job at risk for their assistance in attempting to advocate for myself.  But it was in that moment I had cognitive awareness of the situation.  I believe I said, I am being bullied.  I feel like I am in an abusive relationship and I'm terrified".  As soon as I realized I had said that, I recognized this was what my manager warned me not to talk about.  A colleague said to me if I felt that way I should talk to my manager.  I should call EAP, I should go to HR, I should file an ethics complaint.  I couldn't tell her I had already done all of those things, and it was in doing those things that my job was now in jeopardy.  I said, "I like my job, I don't want to be eliminated, I'm happy where I am".  I didn't speak to anyone for the rest of the weekend.  I then went on a work trip to Texas that my manager was also attending. I didn't speak to anyone and pointed that out to her. She said she observed and responded favorably, that was the attitude she wanted to see.  Me meek, scared to socialize, scared to be myself and connect with others.  At the end of this event was where she sat me down in a 1:1 and said all the things that are triggering me.  I need to keep writing them down but I also need to do a bunch of other things and I only have 30 minutes...



AOE  suggested, I said to me, when I say that, I sound like a victim.  It was in that moment, I realized that I did.  I said, I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship.  I couldn't tell her I had done all of the things, I had gone to my manager, already gone to ET I disclosed to ET that I had a disability. I explained to her the symptoms of my disability.  In doing that, I was retaliated against.  That was devastating.  The utter betrayal.  I literally couldn't even process it.  And in this unprocessed state, I returned to work.  Despite both my therapist and primary care physicians suggestions. 


That because of this, I feel the symptoms of my disability are now being used against me to further exacerbate my mental state, so as to ensure I make a mistake and say something that will be used as evidence I...I view these as retalatory and unless I comply my position will be eliminated.  No matter how I view the situation, it is my understanding the intent of HR is to protect the company.  I was just trying to protect my wellbeing and my mental and physical health.  I interpreted the bottom paragraph as ET saying because I am insisting on continuing to speak with HR, your duties and responsibilitleis will all be removed. 

So

sounds like a terrible situation to be in, EA.  sorry you're having to go thru all this.  and i get the part where it's difficult to answer a question quickly - i need time to process what was said, asked of me, and what my response is.  all very messy.  love and hugs :hug:

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 3

While self-mothering focuses primarily on healing the wounds of neglect, self-fathering heals the wounds of being helpless to protect yourself from parental abuse and by extension from other abusive authority figures. Self-fathering aims at building assertiveness and self-protection. It includes learning to effectively confront external and or internal abuse as well as standing up for the adult child's rights.

Unfortunately, as I still do not experience psychological safety and in attempting to be assertive and protecting myself, I am about to lose my job, this part is hard for me to believe.

Re-parenting sometimes needs to be initiated and modeled by someone else such as a therapist, a sponsor, a kind friend or supportive group to show us how to self-reparent ourselves.  The need to have mothering and fathering type support from others is a lifelong need and not just limited to childhood.

Recovering is therefore enhanced on every level by safe human help. Deep level recovering as well as healthy human being is typically a vacillating blend of self-help and help from others.  The dao of relational recovery involves balancing healthy independence with healthy dependence on others.  For the survivor, this therapeutic synthesis can come into being when an improved supportive relationship with yourself allows you to choose and open to a helpful relationship. Sometimes simultaneously, the attainment of a safe supportive relationship with another person promotes the growth of your ability to be self-supportive.  This then rewards you with a decrease in your automatic tendency towards self-abandonment. Complementarily, this then fosters the gradual development of community - the vital life resource that you were so unfairly deprived of in childhood. The more self-supportive we become, the more we attract support of others. The more we are supported by others, the more we can support ourselves.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 4

Although we often work on many levels of recovering at the same time, recovering is to some degree progressive.

It begins on the cognitive level - when psychoeducation and mindfulness helps us understand that we have c-ptsd, this awakening then allows us to learn how to approach the journey of deconstructing the various life-spoiling dynamics of c-ptsd.

Still on the cognitive level, we take our next steps into the long work of shrinking the critic.  Some survivors will need to do a great deal of work on this level before they can move down to the emotional layer of work which is learning how to grieve effectively.

The phase of intensely grieving our childhood losses can last for a couple of years. When sufficient progress is made in grieving, the survivor naturally drops down into the next level of recovery work. This involves working through fear by grieving our loss of safety in the world. At this level we also learn to work through our toxic shame by grieving the loss of our self-esteem.

As we become more adept in this type of deep level grieving, we are then ready to address the core issue of our trauma - the abandonment depression itself.  Work here involves releasing the armoring and physiological reactivity in our body to the abandonment depression via somatic work.

This work culminates with learning to compassionately support ourselves through our experiences of depression. Many survivors need some relational help in achieving the complex tasks involved in deconstructing each layer of our old pain exacerbating defenses.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 4 continued

In survival mode, even the most trivial and normally easy task can feel excruciatingly difficult.

Here are some common areas where I see that recovering survivors fail to notice and self-validate their progressive degrees of improvement

1. less intense launching into a 4-f response
2. increasing resistance to the critic
3. increased mindfulness about flashbacks or inner critic attacks
4. increased time feeling good enough about yourself
5. progress in meeting arrested developments
6. decreased overeating or use of self-medicating substances
7. increased experiences of good enough relating with others
8. decrease in the painfulness and intensity of flashback feelings

I usually keep a draft going as I listen to the Pete Walker book, and take notes of the things that resonate with me.  Some of the other members mentioned this was helpful to them, but this morning, as I hit enter, I got an error message...followed by another....followed by me being logged out and not able to get back in.  I was afraid I had done something wrong, posted something bad, broken some rule and not warned...I don't even remember what the content of the post was about, it was the end of chapter 4, and now that I'm on chapter 5, it just doesn't even seem relevant, but I'm not doing well.

A friend called today and I did the same thing I do all the time, complain about everything going wrong and how I can't see a way out of it. I don't have friends, I hate what my life has become.  A new friend who doesn't have a car asked me to take her grocery shopping this morning, and went out the night before.  She asked if I had done anything, and I said no. I didn't say, of course I didn't do anything, I have no one to do anything WITH.  It's so frustrating for me.  I don't remember how to just talk to people without feeling...this way.  That I've been isolated for way too long, and I have absolutely nothing relatable to share with anyone.

This makes the friends I do have give up on me, and makes me sink lower and lower.  I can't even put it into words and keep thinking if I just did, then I wouldn't feel it anymore, but I do.  I vent and vent and vent and it's never what I really need to say.  I wish I could explain it. 

I understand everyone I know has a life, they have friends, and family and social activities.  I don't. I have things I want to do, but unless I do them alone, I have to miss out on them. I've been here before.  I've missed out on so many things, just because I haven't had anyone to go with.  Everyone thinks, oh, I must be co-dependent, I need someone, that's NOT IT. I do not receive enjoyment at doing things alone and being surrounded by couples, and families and groups of people all laughing and having a good time and I just feel like I'm apart from that. I feel like a ghost.  No one touches me, I don't touch anyone, no one even notices me...I have felt this way nearly my entire life. I'm soooo tired of things being this way and I don't know what to change about myself to fix it. 

I hate that the rest of my life is just going to be more of this. 

I talked to a co-worker and he's brilliant at the way he words things and could easily get himself out of this situation, he has so many friends and people that love him and connections...everyone I know does, and yet no one has time to include me in their life.

I had him read something my manager said that was especially triggering and he said he just didn't see it.  He read it, the way she said it, without all the feelings that I have...and then it makes me doubt whether my feelings are real, but when I talk to my therapist, she sees the same exact thing I do....so I just feel lost.  I don't know how to navigate this, or navigate conversations, or interactions, or anything...and then I worry that I will lose this forum too. 

I also don't have any tools to get me out of this feeling/mindstate, because this is just my world.  No friends, no ability to get out of my own head, no one to support me. 

The worst part of all of this, there's a co-worker who also has c-ptsd, but she's got support from colleagues and she's doing a huge presentation about her lived experience and it's being celebrated, yet I'm being punished and about to get fired, because my c-ptsd is caused by work.  I just don't get it, what it is about me that makes everyone dislike me?

Quote from: Eireanne on June 10, 2023, 09:06:48 PMI usually keep a draft going as I listen to the Pete Walker book, and take notes of the things that resonate with me.  Some of the other members mentioned this was helpful to them, but this morning, as I hit enter, I got an error message...followed by another....followed by me being logged out and not able to get back in.  I was afraid I had done something wrong, posted something bad, broken some rule and not warned...I don't even remember what the content of the post was about, it was the end of chapter 4, and now that I'm on chapter 5, it just doesn't even seem relevant, but I'm not doing well.

A friend called today and I did the same thing I do all the time, complain about everything going wrong and how I can't see a way out of it. I don't have friends, I hate what my life has become.  A new friend who doesn't have a car asked me to take her grocery shopping this morning, and went out the night before.  She asked if I had done anything, and I said no. I didn't say, of course I didn't do anything, I have no one to do anything WITH.  It's so frustrating for me.  I don't remember how to just talk to people without feeling...this way.  That I've been isolated for way too long, and I have absolutely nothing relatable to share with anyone.

This makes the friends I do have give up on me, and makes me sink lower and lower.  I can't even put it into words and keep thinking if I just did, then I wouldn't feel it anymore, but I do.  I vent and vent and vent and it's never what I really need to say.  I wish I could explain it. 

I understand everyone I know has a life, they have friends, and family and social activities.  I don't. I have things I want to do, but unless I do them alone, I have to miss out on them. I've been here before.  I've missed out on so many things, just because I haven't had anyone to go with.  Everyone thinks, oh, I must be co-dependent, I need someone, that's NOT IT. I do not receive enjoyment at doing things alone and being surrounded by couples, and families and groups of people all laughing and having a good time and I just feel like I'm apart from that. I feel like a ghost.  No one touches me, I don't touch anyone, no one even notices me...I have felt this way nearly my entire life. I'm soooo tired of things being this way and I don't know what to change about myself to fix it. 

I hate that the rest of my life is just going to be more of this. 

I talked to a co-worker and he's brilliant at the way he words things and could easily get himself out of this situation, he has so many friends and people that love him and connections...everyone I know does, and yet no one has time to include me in their life.

I had him read something my manager said that was especially triggering and he said he just didn't see it.  He read it, the way she said it, without all the feelings that I have...and then it makes me doubt whether my feelings are real, but when I talk to my therapist, she sees the same exact thing I do....so I just feel lost.  I don't know how to navigate this, or navigate conversations, or interactions, or anything...and then I worry that I will lose this forum too. 

I also don't have any tools to get me out of this feeling/mindstate, because this is just my world.  No friends, no ability to get out of my own head, no one to support me. 

The worst part of all of this, there's a co-worker who also has c-ptsd, but she's got support from colleagues and she's doing a huge presentation about her lived experience and it's being celebrated, yet I'm being punished and about to get fired, because my c-ptsd is caused by work.  I just don't get it, what it is about me that makes everyone dislike me?

Hi Erieanne,

I simply want to say I hear what you are saying and I so get it.  Just my 2 cents but you are saying it, you are getting it out just as it is, you explain what you are experiencing and I understand you and can so relate.

I've underlined the same exact thoughts and feelings you have courageously shared that I think and feel.   We might know, think, feel we are alone (and are physically alone).  This forum however speaks loudly that we are not alone with these thoughts, feelings and beliefs about ourselves.

If okay I send you a warm and understanding hug.

I agree with Moondance. Your post was very clear and also really just articulates so well what it is like to have cptsd. To feel separate from people. Almost alien. Yes. This is what it feels like. And people like your friend at work. Or my H is the same way...didn't grow up like this. Grew up with a normal supportive loving family and no big trauma. He doesn't understand me...or didnt...he finally does but we've been friends for 30 years. It took 28 years for him to understand why the world seems the way it does to me, how I can have so much self-doubt and all the other CPTSD symptoms.

Just...keep going. You will get through this horrible thicket of symptoms. It's slow and painful, lined with thorns. But there will come a time that you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come. And even though it is a painful process, it'll feel worth it. There is a path out. You're on it. Keep going.

I've been on this forum several years now and I still worried too that I had gotten the boot when I couldn't log in,  even though I've been through forum updates before where I've gotten locked out along with everyone else. That's just the stupid cptsd talking.

So I still can't log in, but I had messaged Kizzie, only I have too many things going on to be able to clear my cache and wipe out all my passwords (trauma brain can't remember any of my passwords right now, and they are ALL autosaved, so if I clear my cache I lose some of them that I may or may not remember.  I'm trying to get to a point where it's ok...but it's not....because my position at work was eliminated yesterday). 

and that's not what this post is about...it's ok...it's not...but it is, and well staying on topic...I can log in if I log in in incognito mode, lol which is hard to say, and makes me laugh...

I read the word asynchronous today and realized that describes about 99% of my interactions.  Which is why it's so hard for me to have a conversation, because I forget how to talk to people in real time... as I've mentioned in my posts before, I need words, it helps with the trauma...my brain is like a backwards dictionary, where I know "what the word means" but not "what the word is" it's really inconvenient on job interviews...

The way my social isolation presents itself...is because 99% of my human interactions are like that...where I say a thing, and I might not get a response for like a week.  So when I have...real time? conversations, it's my only "practice" at conversation... my trauma comes up (like it does about EVERYTHING) my brain immediately does this thing....

"Grieving and verbal ventilation - grieving restores our crucial developmentally arrested capacity to verbally ventilate. Verbal ventilation is the penultimate grieving practice. It is speaking from your feelings in a way that releases and resolves your emotional distress."

What I mean by this is I start working through something I'm trying to make sense of, so I start word vomiting all this stuff....but my brain can't remember words, so I end up describing what the word means and what I'm trying to say is in there, but it's...all jumbled up, because I'm not used to talking, so I'm still trying to make sense and re-frame what I'm saying...it takes me a few tries before I get to what it is I really mean – but I don't get enough practice refining what it is I'm thinking...and people keep listening to fix, which doesn't help.

and when I forgot the word for word vomit, I wanted to log in...and I read my last post...and yes, that's what my brain does...the underlined/bolded parts are my inner child, and so if you read them asynchronously....it's 2 separate conversations...where the truth is, my truth...and that accidentally must have happened at an in person event...and from that point on, I was on a slow collision course with having my position eliminated, and so here we are, once again, where I've been many times...no job, no income, no insurance, no social support. 

Only...I did manage to find virtual social support. 

When I read your responses, Moondance and Armee I was filled with such gratitude to know that you are all also a part of my little asynchronous support group...and I will tell you all what I told this person I shared with (the one that used the word asynchronous that I was looking for), The fact that I now do have a support system of sorts...each one of you can hold just one part of it, it's enough to help me get through it this time...I haven't had that much before.

Even though I wasn't expecting it to be yesterday, I expected it and have been expecting it since February when it happened...it's just been a slow motion train wreck I've been living, and yesterday the train smashed into the wall, but I am still on my "timeline"- I thought I would have until the end of June...and the optics look really bad for them, that my position was eliminated less than a month after a return from a medical leave for a medical reason the situation I was in caused...

so I can hold onto that, and not listen to trauma brain that immediately tells me I did something wrong...it's over, I know I didn't do anything wrong, if anything, the worst thing I did was some of my trauma over the way this woman had been treating me came out at a public work event and someone told her what I said and it made her uncomfortable, so she made an example of me.

There was NO way I was going back to that, I saw what they were doing, and I was powerless to stop it, so I asserted myself and told everyone what they were doing...I did it for my inner child who never had anyone stand up for her before.

They are paying me and letting me keep my health insurance until the end of June.  I get maybe a paycheck and a half severance? and then I'll go on unemployment and maybe get whatever Obamacare is called now, I just looked up how much it would cost...and my therapist is sending me options on how I can continue seeing her without insurance...so...it's like a plan.

Only...I'm still dealing with recovering from the trauma, so it's really hard for me, and a lot of people view the things that are hard for me as learned helplessness, which is annoying...and I have to go in for dental work today, which I'm absolutely dreading and can tell this dentist isn't trauma informed because he didn't FULLY listen to me when I explained what my dental trauma actually is (my body doesn't metabolize things correctly, so novocaine doesn't really work and I'm extremely pain avoidant to the fact I just avoided going to the dentist since the last 2 times I went hurt SO bad and for so long after....that forcing myself to go knowing how bad it's going to hurt...while also dealing with just losing my job and knowing that I'm "not safe" while also trying to interview (I have one I am so not prepared for later this afternoon)...it's just...a lot. 

I need a few days to re-group, to lick my wounds...to grieve, only I've been doing that for the past 3 months and I can't keep doing that, because I need to follow up with all the wonderful people that are offering me the help NOW.

I said it to a co-worker (former now I guess) last night...it's like a funeral.  Everyone shows up on day one to offer a casserole (I wish - I could use food right now so bad) and to offer condolences, but after a while, those people fade away and go back to their own lives...I need to focus on the help I'm getting now while the window is open...before it goes back to everyone else forgetting the sad, damaged, disabled, unemployed girl who may not be able to find another job for years...and also trying to be OK with that while not trying to think of that, while also trying to dig deep and bring all that up so it no longer is my story....yeah...it's a lot. 

So instead of preparing for this interview, I'm preparing mentally to be in white hot blinding pain...and just hoping it's not as bad as the last time...and then hoping I'm not a total wreck when I come home so I can focus on prepping for this interview, and also working on the things I should have worked on yesterday but was too busy getting fired to get to.   

When I had gone back to work, I emailed myself this:

1.   Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are thoughts that cannot hurt you now. You are NOT obligated to explain your disability to people that are threatening you. 

2.   Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are not safe now, so do NOT give them more ammunition. 

3.   Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

4.   Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.  You are allowed to advocate for yourself.  Do not abandon yourself because you are being threatened. 

5.   Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember this situation is counter to your wellbeing.  You do NOT have to receive it. 

6.   Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback]

7.   Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
 
          a.  Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
          b.  Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
          c.  Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
          d.  Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
          e.  Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

8.   Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:
 
           a.  Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.
           b.  Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments

9.   Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.

10.   Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful.

11.   Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

12.   Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.

13.   Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

EA, i think that's a lovely email to yourself.  it felt good just reading it.  i like it a lot - a great way to start the day.  thanks for posting it.  love and hugs :hug:

TRIGGER WARNING



I'm having a really bad day. 







I hate this.  I just want to be able to function like I used to.  I don't understand why these things keep happening to me, over and over until I can't cope with anything, it's all too much, and I get so mad at the people I thought were my friends, and end up taking it out on the people that are still my friends, and I'm being misunderstood SO HARD by neurotypical meaning well people that keep telling me it'll be ok.  It hasn't been ok for YEARS, I was literally just getting back on my feet, I was extending the bubble of phycological safety past my bedroom and into my living room and now I have no idea what it is again.  I don't have a safety net.  I don't have a support system, I feel like I've been given a death sentence...I don't have anything!!! and even as I say it, I know it's not true, so why do I insist on insisting on it? Why do I feel like it's never enough? Because I need to be held, I just want to fully grieve and so this morning I woke up, I had a plan, but my everything had other ideas.  First off, I have this weird thing my skin does.  It did it for the first time with Kyle....and it was terrible then - this burning sensation, primarily in my arms (now) but back then it was my ears, I'd be laying down, almost asleep when it felt like my ears were on fire, and that's not even explaining it right, it's like the pain of being burned alive, but it didn't really hurt, like phantom sensations...but entirely unpleasant and disruptive.  I imagine this is the worst of it, this agonizing...and at the same time feeling like I'm under water. The burning feels like ripples down my back now, and it's like tingling also, like pins and needles, but hot, white hot...and it's like I forget to breathe, like my lungs are cement, and it's  not like i'm gasping for air, it's just my breathing is so shallow and I can't remember how to even function, I just go catatonic, which is why I can't understand for the life of me how come everyone insists I have ADHD, I don't have racing thoughts, I have ONE thought - WHY, why is it happening again, how am I going to survive, what am I going to do? Over and over until I start sobbing and I did that today in Costco.  Why can't I just be normal?

And I can't shake it, even though I HAVE A PLAN, I need to go through my list of all the accomplishments I had made, even in my own words and give it to someone who can make sense of it and write them as resume things...but my trauma is SO bad that I'm fawning and thinking I'm bothering everyone and I'm so full of shame, that it makes sense that none of my friends want to help me. 

I talked to an old college friend recently and she said these things that really bothered me.  Now I don't know if I can continue talking to her, and I really just don't have the spoon for her right now. 

And my neighborhood is so weird, we have movies in the park, so a new friend (who also has relational trauma) invited me to watch Wayne's World with her and her friends tonight.  So those well meaning CBT normies are in my head saying, "see, you're not alone, why not try to have a good time" and I literally cannot remember how to people right now.  Like what conversation is "safe" right now? Not "so what do you do? How are you?" What do you do for fun?" all the "getting to know you" questions I just can't right now, I couldn't on my BEST days. 

I just want to cry and curl up in a ball and wail AND BE HELD while I'm doing it, I...this is just so unfair...I was so good at my job. The last time I was unemployed it was for years...I might go years...without health care...without income...and even as I read these wonderful accomplishments to really sell me, I still feel grief and shame and so much that it's hard to work on this so I keep putting it off, and I can't anymore because I don't have a buffer...I just have to keep going...getting the paperwork, and dealing with having to return the laptop...are going to be more grief days, so I really need to figure out how to get as many interviews as I can before I just become...what I was before this  :'(

 :bighug:

Thank you for the hug Armee  :hug:

I've felt this way for so long...and isn't how I'm feeling right at this moment, but I did want to put this here anyway...

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand

Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them

'Cause I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Well, contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow-dying flower
I'm a frost-killing hour
Sweet turning sour
And untouchable

Oh, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel-sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

I'm a slow-dying flower
Frost-killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before?
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them

I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel-sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

Well, is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Oh, I'm leaving

Better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
You kiss me now
You catch your death
Oh, I mean this

Oh, I need this

Not sure if the lyrics are 100% right, I just copy/pasted them without checking, but this is the song that I've always related to most...there's a few others...I've always felt like the Little Match Girl, looking in but never really being a part of anything, never really belonging.  I need a village...I need to grieve...I need to be held...and I don't know how to do that alone. 

EA, the little match girl has been with me since i've been very young.  when i first heard that story, i cried and cried, maybe as hard as i've ever cried - i was about 5, i think - and i know now my tears were for me because that's also how i felt - alone in the cold w/ no one to help, care, or comfort.

it still hits me today.  i'm so glad you're beginning to feel some support from this forum.  they're the best people i've never met, and have supported and cared about me like rarely anyone in real life.  glad you're here.  love and hugs :hug:

I was talking with my therapist and I recognize I have a tendency to want to react very snarky to people that don't really deserve it.  Like the IT person that sent me an email asking me to return my laptop.  I'm just a checklist to her, she doesn't know my situation or know me personally, she's just required to retrieve machines from termed employees, I get that.  Yet the email was so triggering in the way it was phrased - but just to me.  Like saying, "I sent this email to you when you were still working" No, you sent me the email after my account had been disabled, and I wasn't even given the courtesy of a last day, let alone time to say goodbye, process what was happening or get MY THINGS off my computer first, and I thought I would be given the courtesy...or say I had hoped, and that now I have no hope...and I know this is the scared part of me that knows I'm going to be unemployed for years once again, and trying to NOT see the obvious pattern of history repeating itself...and my well-meaning friend suggests I maybe just get a retail job, you know, until something else comes along...and to me, that's the WORST...like for me personally, a retail job is when I'm completely lost all hope and I've become a mindless drone with no options left...the thought of standing 8 hours a day, not even being treated like a person, and spending ALL my energy just on figuring out how to not get fired from a menial job, let alone put ALL my energy into self care and trying to heal from the trauma enough to be functional, while ALSO devoting some time to chipping away at what the obstacles are from me finding a good job...and again, how no one gets it.  The things I get upset by. 


Years ago, I learned I liked hot sauce, and I had people in my life that also liked hot sauce.  We went to a hot sauce festival together and I had the best time. It is a very good memory for me.  Then the pandemic, and the ensuing traumatic experiences that have turned me into this shell of a person that you've all gotten to know.  Last year, I tried so hard to regain the semblance of the life I had lost.  I wanted so bad to go to the hot sauce festival again and tried everything I could to make friends, even found a friend in a girl that lived about an hour from me, and her and her husband agreed to meet me at the festival...but didn't, and I ended up walking around the day alone. 

I had a goal for myself to find a friend this year who would accompany me to the festival, which is in less than a month, and I failed at my goal. Which brings up a lot of grief for me. The festival that once brought me such joy is coming up and although I tried everything I could to find someone to share the experience with, I was not successful. So while I *am* grateful for the potential friendships I have made these past few months, I feel like I failed to find a friend who likes hot sauce, so I could go to the festival again. This brings up a lot of grief for me, and I understand some of you may be curious about it, but I don't really want to have to explain why there's no joy in not having someone to share it with...so I'm sad and I can't help but feel like a failure. For not finding a friend, for not being able to keep my job, for not knowing what I'm going to do and I really just want to grieve for a bit, but don't have the luxury to :(


I really don't know how to explain to someone that doesn't understand why doing something alone does NOT bring me joy.  I need connection, and a shared experience.  That's why I take photos, I want someone to share an experience with. I went for a walk today and realized, I don't even have anyone to share my photos with anymore. My entire life I have in my head of experiences I just want to share with someone. I WANT people.  Sorry if that makes me sound co-dependent. 

Grieving the loss of so many friendships

I really need to mourn, in depth, how many people I've lost.  I need to grieve them, I need to mourn them, I start getting upset because I'm really upset about something else, I think the thoughts in my head and when I try to tell someone else it doesn't come out right, because I'm saying how I type it to myself which end up not saying what I'm trying to say.

The biggest thing I feel I need to mourn is the relationship I had during the pandemic, when I first became aware that it was trauma, and not depression or anxiety.  As I processed my trauma I shared it with him and he used it against me, every vulnerability I shared with him, because I craved intimacy he used it to psychologically torture me.  He did it in front of everyone, he did it everywhere we went, and that's why I had outbursts, because I would literally TELL him right before a thing, Please doesn't do (action) because it will result in (reaction) and I'd really like to avoid that...but sure enough, he would do it, and I'd try so hard to play it off like it wasn't bothering me, and I'd bring my tools to deal with the feelings, a book, hiding out in another room – no, it's because no matter how hard I tried, I never fit in – and I don't know why this is, when I want to focus one ONE thing, it reminds me of something else, which reminds me of something else and before I know it I go from Hot Sauce to Angela's dog.  Which is why I guess people say ADHD.  But it's ALL connected, and I want to do a deep dive into ALL the things, while at the same time focusing on other things, while at the same time needing to do things...and so I end up not doing anything every day because it's all too much and my brain keeps saying no. 

Oct 21 2021 (some frustrations I vented to myself)

I wish every day I could disclose my disabilities at work, and not fear reprisal.  In your post, you say, "If you're a leader, commit to consistently asking how your employees are doing AND then LISTEN! LISTEN for what is said and not said. Make demonstrating empathy, caring, and compassion for people your FIRST priority."  what do you do if your leaders are the old school mentality where business/clients come first and you must only be a problem solver, not a problem-haver? I have been struggling working in isolation, with no team, no support, doing the job of 6 people due to lack of engagement/not even knowing who my colleagues are, and when I go to my manager, she just dismisses me and tells me that my focus should only be on her needs.  I'm incredibly defeated, deflated, and NOT in a mental position where I can risk losing my job/health insurance and start working on my resume.  When I talk to my virtual coworkers they just suggest I get counseling, or call EAP.  I keep saying I need coaching/mentoring to understand how to speak "business speak" so my boss will equate my issues into being better for business and then hear me. My therapist says I should just look for another job.  No one is hearing what I need, and maybe it's my fault, for being too triggered to be able to express clearly what the issue actually is.

On Loneliness (I say like a lot, it's a generational thing, and not in a valley girl way.  I really need to stop it) Again, I vented this a WHILE ago, I just need to get it out -

My "friend" was like, "Oh, it's because you're not on Facebook, you don't even have any social media!" and I'm like, "social media is actually really depressing" and they're like, "no, no you have to use it the right way" so I go on social media and society tells me I have FOMO, and I'm like, no, it's not that, it's literally just showing me my one friend's life, every day. A life I'm not a part of, doing things I can't experience, because I don't have a willing partner (hot sauce festival as an example). Also, I'm not going to FIND a willing partner by scrolling social media to see what people I know are doing, and how many friends comment on how great they look and what an awesome time they are having...for me social media is where you go to see the worst of society, not make genuine friends.

I'm like, really isolated, and I'm trying to work out my trauma, and I'm using her house as a safe space, so when I would get stuck on something and I would ask her and she would explain it to me, and then I would understand, or she would have a social gathering and she would always say, "oh this is safe, this is safe", and I'm trying to work out my trauma, you know, so I probably wasn't the best FUN to be around, and then after a while of course she's going to be like, you know you really need therapy, you just can't keep using me as your tool for healing your trauma, so she took it away, and then Facebook is just reminding me what her life is like every day, and I go to her "coven" and they are like, "oh, we are all your friends" and I think, no, none of you are either. You don't even talk to me outside of this thing that we do. I'll prove it, "everyone, I want the next one to be at my place", and then what happened? I have no clue, but my "friend" stopped talking to me, so I'm thinking, "oh is it because everything has to be about you and I asked if one thing could be about me, I didn't realize you had the monopoly on covens, but apparently you did because it's like, I felt like demeaned, you're calling me a baby witch all the time and we're doing  your arts and crafts projects that you find on TikTok and it's just more social media garbage, I want to have deep meaningful connections and I don't understand why I can't get that, and then I'm watching these cptsd gurus telling me it's because I'm self-isolating, and I'm like, no I'm not! I'm in survival mode, I'm begging people to show up for me, no one is showing up!!"

Segueing over to the old meditation group - I'm feeling really isolated right now, and very vulnerable and I don't like the term negative reel because that's not what it is, it's my mother's voice, it's literally people talking to me. That's why their meditation wasn't working for me, I kept telling them that, I was using that time to journal, I wasn't even meditating, I wasn't getting anything out of it except a sense of connection and it was all a lie.  That's the hardest part for me. 


A collage I have hanging on my wall - all of this is staged, I don't even remember those people's names, the facial expressions I was making in the photo. I put it there for self esteem because I think I look damn good in those photos, and then I see myself in the mirror and I'm like, well !@$%.  Like, I completely totally missed my window to ever be with anyone again and I'm a spinster.  And N's all like, "that's a great thing to be, those are some of the most happiest people I know, and I'm like "no, I'm not happy, I'm isolated, I don't want to be like this, I don't want to feel like this and I realize I've never really had any support ever". Doing my makeup and I don't even know how to do my makeup and the voice of my mom in my head is like, well I sent you to Barbizon, invalidating my own thoughts. I'm constantly invalidating myself because it's all I ever heard, so people tell me I have low self esteem, and I'm like, well of course I do, I've never had anyone show up for me, I've been figuring * out for myself my entire life. Since I was a kid, I had to decide what HS I would send myself to, I had to fill out the application, with my level of intelligence, that's the thing that kept sticking out, you can't solve the problems with the same level of understanding...I've never had help, I can't figure out how to get the help I need, because I've had institutional betrayal my entire life. That is so unbearable to think about and I tell you and I tell you it's a shame and I'm like finally, validation, but I also need help.
 
People have their own definitions for things people immediately envision their own understanding of what that means to them without knowing my life experience. So of course when I want to know their perspective, they assume I just need a pat on the head because I'm insecure. 

Also more venting from a while ago

I keep thinking I can explain it, that I can put it into words and when they are still in my head, they sound dumb, and I don't even know what the point is.  When I say something to someone they misinterpret it immediately and I don't understand why, and so I think I don't have enough conversations with other people and I need connection, but the things I have been doing to get more social activities, I need to be around other people, to make connections, not just transactional activities for a short period of time.  I want to talk to someone, when I ask my friends if we can talk more often, they hear "we are not medically equipped to help you, so we need to give you space" and I get caught in this loop, my cognition is lowered because my amygdala is hijacked and I can get myself out of it by talking to someone, but no one seems to get that, or has the capacity to listen.  Then I sound angry, and then I get caught in that loop, I know what I need to be doing, but I can't answer people's questions right now, I ask a simple thing and people misunderstand and then I get confused and then I get caught in a loop and I can't find the words to say what I am saying. 

The specific help I asked for recently was to take my story and turn it into bullet points on my resume, not for the job I had, but for the potential I offer.  I tried talking to a (former)co-worker about it and right away he started lecturing me about how you can't put things on your resume for things you'd like to do, only things you have done (BS) and you can't "spray and pray" you have to use your network (I don't have one) and he's like sure you do, you have everyone I'm connected with, so I'm going on LinkedIn and searching for job, what is your salary range? I'm like, I don't care about money (am I the ONLY one who doesn't care about money??) I just want a job where I'm not going to be abused anymore. He's like, well what are you passionate about? I am like, I have NO clue, I'm barely surviving, I don't have the luxury of thinking about passions, I just want to be able to do my job and not live in fear all the time.  He says well what parts of your job do you enjoy? I said well I liked training/teaching (which is why I'm trying to pivot my career and need help wording my resume!!!) And then comes the question that everyone asks, "well then why don't you go back to teaching" What part of I don't want to be abused anymore does no one understand? I HAVE a plan I need help with this, and I get so dysregulated trying to answer everyone's little cookie cutter checkbox questions that DO NOT FIT me.  So I started not understanding how to answer his questions and getting distraught at not understanding how to continue or get the conversation back on track, and he says, "I don't have time for your spiraling right now" and I am sorry but I wasn't even close to spiraling, so I said fine, ok, I'm not, and we didn't really get anywhere at all.  I can tell this is going to be rough. 

April 7 2022

I never wanted to be single, I hate being alone, but I don't know how to be with someone, I don't even know how to make/keep a friend, because what happens over and over again, I don't know how to just talk, unless I'm complaining about myself and I don't know how to interact with other people, and I try, but sometimes I say something awkward, and then suddenly they don't want to talk to me anymore, and it's always just one tiny thing and I don't ever understand why, so I just get sad and lonely and I don't fit in anywhere. And I don't get invited to things, because I'm single, so I sit home, not knowing how to interact with people socially, and improve, so I can get to a point where I can start meeting people and possibly meet the type of person who is going to want to be friends with me, let alone is going to be in a relationship with me. And I'm spending all of this time alone realizing I need to learn how to get to know myself, I don't even know how to have an opinion, I didn't have that development and I don't know how to do it on my own because I've never experienced it, I don't know how to reparent myself in this way, I'm as clueless as my parents. 

 :bighug:

 :hug: @sanmagic

I woke up grieving today.  I managed to either go back to sleep (doubtful, I keep waking up at 4-5am, thanks hypervigilance and trauma brain!) or falling into this state of rest my mom taught me when I was young - I've always been a poor sleeper, and she would stay up watching TV until 3am, fall asleep on the couch, have my dad wake her when he got up for work (ironically, 4-5am) and she'd stumble into the bedroom and go back to sleep...which is the story I tell, except I remember needing to tiptoe around the living room/kitchen because she was asleep on the couch while I was trying to get ready for school.  It's easy for my brain to see the pattern recognition of neglect that a child growing up with a mom passed out on the couch must have felt - needing to take care of myself from a young age (8 + also taking care of my brother, doing my homework in the bathroom, etc.) and her getting mad that I woke her up by closing the kitchen cabinet door too loudly.  In my own home, I just leave them open all the time, (I DGAF).

I tried to avoid grieving, because I need to get some important things done, like focus on prepping for the job interview on Monday, I really need to get my !@$% together, the voice in my head keeps panicking that we are missing our window for people to be willing to help us, and I barely have ANY people to begin with, so then the isolation kicks in, making it sink deeper, and then the things I'm grieving kick in, so I decide to watch this documentary, and I relate to them so much, these traumatized, abandoned children who also play the what if game.  I used to think I was cursed, or that I must have done something terrible in a past life for me to have to deal with so much karma...and how I will beg not to have to do this again, this atonement for not learning enough, not understanding enough...this sense of being rejected by the world resonates so strongly with me, I wonder sometimes if I wasn't a holocaust victim in a prior life...and definitely burnt at the stake for being a witch...

And I didn't pick the holocaust documentary to like..."attention seek" the grieving or anything - which is how my mom would treat me all the time, like she never validated my feelings and once my brother was born, and even worse, when he got older and started displaying his sociopathic tendencies...she never attuned to me.  There was always something else needing her attention, and mostly, it was probably she couldn't get out of her own head (which is a trait I also won in the genetic lottery - also, I LOOK just like her...so when people are worried they turn into their mothers...I feel like I had no choice).  I don't think I spent enough time with anyone as a child to have developed any sort of personality.  My parents did not communicate successfully with each other and would often use me as a mediator.  I don't remember being a child...but I have memories of being bullied in school.  I just never fit in, there was something "off" about me.  I don't know what it was, so I just assumed it was my looks.  The story I tell myself is that if I were more attractive, people would be kinder to me. But no one has any compassion.  Everyone can't get out of their own heads enough to see my pain, and if I point it out to them, well, then I'm needy.  To be continued....

One day, I'll start writing things out in linear order and tell an actual story, but for now, everyone gets fragments...and I appreciate your kindness in holding space for me...I still feel like (again, the theme of being told I'm too needy) I'm doing exactly what I keep accusing everyone else of doing - not being able to get out of my own head enough to hold space for others here...I'm so sorry my friends, but I hope there's a way out of this well...I've been down here in the dark alone for so long...it takes everything I have in me just to get through the day sometimes...and not even in a depression way, although my grieving on the couch today does probably have the visual of being depressed, honestly, it was at that performative moment that I decided to actually do the grieving I'd been thinking of for so long...I had pictured it in my head so many times it felt performative...and then again is why the trigger that my mom saying things like, "how long are you planning on acting like this?" Instead of validating and attuning to me.  She couldn't even do it for herself, she was so jealous of me, and I had NOTHING.  She gave me nothing is what I wanted to say, but in my grief I realized all the things she didgive me. Then I had to add that to the list of things I was grieving....More to come.. 

 :hug:

That's a lot of neglect, EA. I'm sorry you didn't have anyone. Don't have anyone. I'll be rooting for you in the interview.

allowing yourself to grieve is a sign of strength, to my mind, EA.  i do believe it'll help you get to a more linear place. i'm sorry for all the neglect. i wish you hadn't had to go thru it.  it's horrible.  best to you w/ the interview.  love and hugs :hug:

My hopes and thoughts are with you as well for your interview on Monday. 

Caring :hug: to you EA
 

I only felt I was lacking when I would go to other friend's houses and they'd have Christmas and we wouldn't...I gave myself Christmas the year I moved out on my own, with a real tree and everything (life lesson - never again), so I didn't feel the lack, you know, I would just invite myself over to other people's...other families houses...because then I didn't have to feel the lack. Which is why I invited myself over to N's for thanksgiving...it just sucks so hard sitting home alone every day of the year, and I feel it twice as hard during the holidays.  I think I just don't even care any more, I just need to accept this is the rest of my life...the life I so desperately tried to avoid having that I made bad life decisions...so I just need to grieve and let it all go so I can heal.

Do you know the grief associated with putting up a tree and not having anyone to share it with? It didn't used to be a grief...back when I still had hope, I would put up my Christmas tree in the bedroom, so when I talked to my virtual friends I could turn on my camera and show people my tree...it's the same sort of relationship I have with all of you, I talk, you listen, I get my needs met...I'm used to that level of intimacy - the intimacy of the interwebs.  Like in that movie The Net with Sandra Bullock. 

I have craved a Christmas of my own my entire life.  I guess the universe misheard and thought I meant a Christmas on my own.  When I lived with R, we decorated it with a combination of both our ornaments, maybe? I honestly don't remember if he was involved at all.  I bought myself presents and wrapped them and put them under the tree for me to open...and I know there's a picture of us somewhere, where I'm siting in front of the tree leaning towards him and smiling and he's...not.  When I lived with M, his parents brought all his ornaments down from enjay from when he was a baby all through growing up, so it became more his tree than mine.  Everything there was more his than mine.  When I lived with D, he started putting up all the ornaments he shared with his ex-wife on my tree, and couldn't grasp that I didn't want that, that I wanted something for US...there really never was an us, he was more of roommate than anything else, just more of the same lack of intimacy I've experienced my entire life. 

So I stopped putting up a tree.  What's the point?  The last time I did it, I realized it was broken? Or D just couldn't figure out how to put it together, or put it away with missing pieces from the previous year? So we went to Target, bought a replacement after the holidays (on clearance speaks to my thrifty spirit animal) and I hid it up in the closet so when he went crazy and stole all my stuff, he didn't get that...but what is the point of putting up a tree when I literally have no one to come over or share the holiday with.  It's just the spoons needed to decorate and then what? The spoons to put it all away...better to not decorate at all and use the spoons for recovery...which I won't have any holiday to distract me from, since I won't be invited anywhere...and can't seem to find an activity partner to do any of the things I want to do...so it's honestly not that big of a loss anyway because when you think of it, it's not my holiday anyway, it never was.  So the grief is for never feeling a sense of belonging, and never feeling included, and always feeling like I'm imposing because I use the "if I am not here, I'll just be sitting home alone" (guilt) rather than the feeling of being asked, "please it wouldn't be the same without you" - because when I am there, there is not that sense that anyone feels that...and I'm just an outsider, looking in at another family's traditions, but having none of my own.  It sucks, and it's hard and I don't know why these are the cards I've been dealt. 

Moondance, Armee and sanmagic - thank you so much for being my cheerleaders...I am hopeful about the interview, but not prepared, and honestly I'm looking at it as practice more than anything...I feel I am totally capable of doing the job, but not quite sure it's what I actually want to be doing...I'm keeping an open mind.  I think my time is better spent focusing on my trauma and grief right now...

The work situation - the HR investigator still wants to follow up with me and get a statement and she is required to follow the investigation to completion regardless of the fact I've already been eliminated.  I found a number of other people from the disabilities group I founded also got their positions eliminated.  I know some of them are successfully suing the company - not successful in the fact they are winning, just that I was unsuccessful in finding an attorney to take my case - it's too complicated, they said.  The issue is, I can't hold space for bringing up the events that caused relational trauma to the point I could no longer function AND look for a job at the same time.  Both things are true and there's not enough me to hold them both concurrently.  My brain simply cannot handle working on my resume right now, no matter how many times I try...it's easier to give in and let the grief that's been flooding my system like poison out...maybe if I do it enough I can find closure and truly heal.  Thank you for suggesting it's strength sanmagic. 

I'm grieving N

N was a friend I met playing a game in my phone.  I have had to be very creative over the years to try to find friends...I try everything, but nothing seems to work. Then the few friends I do have become family to me, because I learn the things I should have learned as a child in my own family the things I observe.  Before that, I didn't even understand anything was wrong, this was the way I grew up, I had no basis for comparison, I didn't know I was lacking. 

So I met N, her husband and kids and we played this game together, and slowly, over the course of many years we've been a part of each others lives...I even lived diagonal to her sister for 2.3 years...and I have trouble telling the story linearly because there are two truths...possibly more, and I see them all.  I saw in her a mom, because she likes to tell this story...her hero story about being there for these boys that were friends of her son, and taking them in, and all the stories about her showing up for people and advocating for them.  I wanted, no NEEDED her to do that for me. 

instead, she starts telling me these stories, and saying, "you know this already, right? I told you this before" only she hadn't...any of it, and I realize I wasn't even a part of her life anymore, here I was, all this time giving her the space she needed because she was "dealing with a lot" and she kept applauding how much I was adulting...because what I learned from her is to be a good friend you only spin things positively, so I'd tell them about my accomplishments and then quickly divert the conversation to them, I needed connection, I wanted to hear about how each member of her family was doing, and in telling me, she was able to get HER need for attunement met.  But I was holding everything in.  Because that's what being an adult is - not telling other people about your problems, just telling them that "you are enough" and you can solve your problems without help from anyone! In isolation! without another human being to weigh in with their perspective so I can see things from a different light. 

I thought about all the times she disappointed me.  In misrepresenting a road trip to key west - because I wanted to experience going to Key West so bad, and it was my one opportunity.  The times she was at her sister's house, I could literally SEE her house from ours...and she wouldn't even say, "hey, I don't have time to talk, but come over for a quick hug - in everything she gave me, I realized it was more of people giving me what they think I want, what they hear I want when I grieve what I've never had...I need validation...instead she does a "grand gesture" and I used to think that was what I needed...but now all I have are false memories of "family" when in reality she wasn't filling my need.  I needed someone to hold space for me while I grieved, instead she gave me A space...once.  When things were really bad, she sent me back to him, and then distanced herself from me, and continued to talk to him.  So I've never been able to share what happened, with her, with any of them. 

When I moved here and things got really bad, she sent me food.  She sent me a mug that says how much I am loved...when I asked her a recommendation for an air fryer, she bought me such a complicated one, I still haven't been able to figure out how to use it over a year later.  I really should just get rid of it, I don't use it.  But I keep wanting to try.  Then nothing...and I'd attempt to talk to her one in a while, then I invited myself to Thanksgiving, because of the years that I had always wanted to be there, but instead was forced to be somewhere else...and now that I was free, and really wanted the feeling of belonging, I went...and didn't feel it.  I don't belong with her family...as much as I try...and she gave me the illusion I was when her daughter was experiencing something, she asked me to check on her...like I was family...but her daughter wasn't really all that appreciative...not me, but that her mom was focused on mitigating her own trauma, instead of prioritizing hers...I tried to offer the perspective that in asking me to talk to her it was how she was doing that, but I know too well when N does what is best for her and doesn't of just asking what that person needs...I suggested she tell her...and she just said, "you know how it is trying to talk to her" and honestly, she never talks to me...so I ended up deleting her...I met her daughter and held her before N's husband even did, and haven't seen her since...which is what I knew would happen...I'm just not really a part of their life, and I realized I hadn't been in quite a while.  At first I thought it was the pandemic, but she was hosting virtual space for her family, they were playing games...I told her how left out I had felt to not be a part of that.  She told me it was very stressful - her family isn't doing well - further evidence for the story I was telling myself that she was my friend, she just didn't have the capacity with everything she was struggling with...only she wasn't struggling, she just wasn't considering that I should be included.  I didn't realize I hadn't been included until she started mentioning all the things that she assumed I knew...and then when I needed her to step up and help me with things, she said it made her feel bad to be asked to do things.  When I said can you just make me part of conversations again, I don't even remember how to have one...she said she didn't really have time for that either.  But then she wanted to do a "grand gesture" and I was so viscerally opposed to the absurdity of the suggestion I replied, "I don't even know how to respond to either of you right now" and was told, "ok" and never heard from either of them again.

I know the story she's telling herself is that I only wanted her around to do things for me, but I seriously needed someone to hold space for me while I grieved, and someone to take care of me so I could put my burden down for a bit, and just someone to hold me so I could finally let go...none of that is what I got, and what I did get...is cold comfort compared to what I needed.  So I grieve because she wasn't the friend I needed, and she's made it clear I'm not the friend she needs, so...there.

 :bighug: there's grieving space in this hug, EA.  no strings attached.  love and hugs :hug:

I decided to continue the holocaust theme by watching A Small Light on Hulu.

The reason why both the holocaust resonates with me and why gratitude doesn't work for me is...

While yes, I can be grateful for everything that I have (I am and I acknowledge it daily) even gratitude is a source of grief for me.  Much like Anne Frank felt...I have felt trapped in the house...that feeling of pressing my hand up against the window and wishing I could be part of the world outside.  I don't mean I'm agoraphobic, I go for walks, but I don't INTERACT with people...do you know, I'll say hello to people I'm passing on the sidewalk and say hello and get a non-answer.  Not just strangers, but one time, it was this woman who I had gone out for coffee once about a year ago...right before everything in my life took a crash course in trauma on a monthly basis until I broke. 

So yes, while I CAN (and am) very grateful for how many things I DO have, I really want to feel validated in being allowed to acknowledge all I don't have.  And the fact that I'm consistently asking people for help with the things I need and they are consistently IGNORING me...and then I go for a walk and people I walk past ignore me...well it's hard not to feel like a ghost sometimes.  And I don't go out, not because I don't WANT to go out, it's because I'm never invited anywhere, and any time I do go out and do something, I feel like a ghost doing it.  And when I sit in the house, I feel like I'm not even part of the world anymore.  Sometimes I feel like walking over to this author's house - she wrote about ghosts...and asking her if she would be interested in inviting the neighborhood ghost over for a cup of tea.  I need to connect with people but whenever I have the opportunity, I have NOTHING to talk about.  I TRY...it goes terrible, until I inadvertently steer the conversation over to my trauma and I know WHY I'm doing it, but I can't stop.  I don't realize I've even started sometimes. So I just want to be mad about the things I DON'T have and have that be ok, instead of being reminded that I need to focus on gratitude. 

I'm so tired of asking for things and not getting them.  I'm so tired of everything I have being tied to something I lack.  I'm so tired of being touch starved.  Typing *hugs* is not a substitute for physical contact. (that doesn't mean I don't appreciate you all leaving me hugs!!)  I desperately need to be held.  I'm so tired of the same things happening again and again and my friggin Cassandra Complex to see what is going to happen and be desperately unable to stop it, no matter what course of action I take.  I want to talk and talk and talk until I get to say everything I've been holding in, and I realize I will need to mask if I go back to work right now...start a new job right now, unless the environment is a good fit.  I needed the medical leave, I needed to take the time to get back on my feet and I'm not there yet.  My procrastination is my brain telling me I'm not ready yet, and I don't know what part that is...am I coddling myself or should I reparent myself and teach myself better discipline?

Time to prep for the job interview...more later

I'm unpacking so much, and there are so many layers to things that it's hard for me to explain without jumping all over the place, so I hold it in, or let it run through my head like a movie playing, changing from one scene to another, coming upon all these clarified bits that I really should jot down, but don't, and then when I do, I feel it's performative. 

That I can't separate out me planning my grief, or, more accurately, thinking about it over and over until I finally decide to do it...but there's that shame in my head from my mom never actually validating or comforting me.  I remember collapsing on the floor in tears because I couldn't go on and she'd roll her eyes and call me Sarah Bernhardt.  I needed compassion and empathy, and I just got disinterest.  Annoyance.  No wonder I had dreams for years about her betraying me.  But I am not even grieving her, I'm grieving it all, my Cassandra Complex kicking in again, losing my job again, not wanting to go on, not able to express what I mean so I'll be understood, thinking that everything I say and do is misinterpreted to the point I don't even know what's real. 

Driving to the interview, I miscalculated.  I thought if I left at 12, I'd arrive 20 minutes early, and I thought what if that's too early, but immediately thought, no, better to get there too early, so I got my stuff, got into the car and headed out, only the driving directions said I'd get there 10 minutes early, not 20 (like it just said in the house), and as I got onto the highway, the delay of 10+ minutes due to an accident turned into 20+ minutes, which meant I was no longer early at all.  I tried to keep it together, but as we inched down the road at 10 mph, I started...thinking that I ruined my chances at the interview, because now I wasn't going to be on time, trying to figure out what to do, do I send an email? How am I supposed to compose and email while I'm driving? Why can't we get their faster? And I started thinking about all the times I was trapped with D in the car speeding...when we weren't even ever late for ANYTHING, and I can't even go above the speed limit without freaking out, and I'm so CC about getting into a car accident again, I don't even want to be driving, so I'm clenched up and afraid and late and I just started screaming...just to get it out...I'm sure it looked like road rage, but I just started sobbing and screaming why? why can't I ever catch a break? why can't you just get me there? Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?  But I got there, and I didn't even look frantic or panicked, I apologized to the woman who met me in the lobby, which is the one who gave me the phone screen, and I explained to her what happened, I really think the interview went as well as possible, but I also know I have no shot at getting this job. 

This has happened to me time and time again, but in the other times I had everything memorized and I was polished, now I had to bring visual aides and my laptop, and referred to my notes quite a few times...I thanked them, but didn't really explain the accommodation, and I'm sure as always there's a candidate who has "just one more thing" than I do...and honestly, breaking down like I did in the car like that, I am not ready to go back to work...but now that I'm really out of a job I have to be realistic.

Going back to the type of work I have been doing feels like a death sentence and makes me curl up in bed and not want to get out.  It's not depression, it's just grief, and I want to grieve until it all comes out and I can have some sort of catharsis, but there's even grief within the grief, so how do I get it all?  My therapist alluded to a list, and I asked her to send it to me.  Last session, I asked her again to send it to me, and she said she was gathering a few things to send to me all at once...it's been two weeks and I still have nothing, so I'm about to just make my own list.  I think it's more logical to have an organized way of grieving, instead of jumping from one topic to another, just really focusing on one thing until I uncover the root of where the grief is, and just going to my therapist with that. 

I'm grieving because I keep watching TV in which people in crisis are surrounded by people they love, and everyone has at least one person who won't give up on them.  Meanwhile, all my friends are standing idly by while I slowly hit rock bottom.  Every time I think it can't go lower, it does...and I've been here too many times before.  It's not enough to remind me that I can get myself out of it, I just know how much EASIER and FASTER it would be if I had support.

My touch starvation is getting really bad.  I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin.  I keep having to wrap myself up in a blanket but then I'm too hot, so I go outside for a bit...I just wish I had a place I belonged.  I wish I knew what it was like to feel loved.  So yeah, not depression.  Just me accepting reality. 

I start thinking if I were more attractive, my life would be easier.  Maybe my mom would have been more interested in me, but I looked just like her and she didn't like herself.  Plus, I acted like my dad so she doubly didn't care for me much.  And I thought the other day, how sad it was that I was such a disappointment to her, but then I realized the perspective, she was also an incredible disappointment to me.  She didn't equip me with any of the tools I needed to survive this world.  She didn't do anything to make me feel any shred of self esteem, or confidence, or worth.  Some days I feel like writing her a letter, explaining to her the lessons she taught me.  I've got a box packed of all the things I want to send to her.  I'm just so lost in it and not knowing how to parse out exactly what I'm feeling.  Because it's all wrapped up together like a ball of tangled yarn and I just want to untangle it...but I can't, so I curl up in a ball in bed and feel like a ghost.  It doesn't matter what I do or don't do, nothing ever changes, and everyone has already moved on without me.  I just can't figure out the rules and there's no one who wants to hold me.  Sigh.

Imagine if Germans celebrated the anniversary of Kristallnacht every year by setting off fireworks all night...this is what the 4th of July feels like to me.  I just can't grasp the need...when there are reports of how traumatic this is for pets, the environment...we literally have air quality alerts on the daily...but I lie here on the couch...writing the journal entry in my head, thinking it has to be a captivating story, like they say on LinkedIn, you have to sell people a captivating story, so my brain starts creating this dramatic story...and I think, is even thinking about what I want to journal about me being performative? Why can't I let things go? What am I really upset about...

It was exactly a year ago today that I set in place the first domino piece that led to the collapse of my career.  Doesn't that sound so dramatic?  My mom's mocking voice says...only my mom would never mock me...she was just what?  Too? I got so good at tip toeing around the house...it wasn't something I did out of fear, it was just ingrained in me....to run down the stairs barely touching the steps so I didn't clomp (like my brother) but my mom would just tell me she was going to have to put a bell around me, because I scared her all the time...I do that a lot with people...it's why I feel invisible.  People just "didn't see me there" they have literally walked right into me.  Like i don't exist.  And I think of all the men that have used me without actually knowing anything about me, or even being interested in anything but a specific part of me, which, as soon as they obtained....would stop speaking to me...

and it's the anniversary of when he stopped speaking to me...not in a calendar timeline, but in the CC of events....I hate that I see what happens before it happens.  Like the car accidents I couldn't unsee...it's making it harder and harder to drive..and I again, don't mean it in the way of being agoraphobic, I don't have any hesitation about getting into the car...I can't control it, it's happened way too many times already....i never know what to do, do you say or not say, drive or passenger, my intuition only leads me TO it, not through it.  And I wish I had someone to talk to, to explain, without it becoming a self fulfilling prophesy.

So last year, my PTSD was really bad.  I was watching the Handmaid's Tale and having EF at the way Serena Joy treated June.  It's how L treated me.  It was the first time I could see psychological trauma acted out...so I connected with the ERG for veterans and I asked them what PTSD resources we had at my company, so he reached out on my behalf to HR, and the response we received was that for people with mental illness could request a day off with a doctor's note.  And I realized how woefully underserved the people who needed help the most (myself included) would NOT be getting at my company...so I set off to be the change I wanted to see.  I connected with the leader of DEI and told her X, I founded a group for people with disabilities, I learned how to advocate for myself, and was encouraged to set boundaries.  Only, once I did, things got bad for me.  L started noticing I had an attitude.  I said no, this is confidence, this is me seeking autonomy - and that was unacceptable.  So she started setting me up to look bad, and I would anticipate it every time, because I had gotten so hypervigilant, but much like the lead me to, not through - I knew she was going to do SOMETHING I just didn't know what it was going to be.  And I TOLD my manager, watch, this is what she does, but each time she would do it, and I would say see? My manager would start gaslighting me into trying to get me to say something different happened.  And I'm not clear on why.  I kept telling her, she needed to be literal with me, I couldn't understand what she was alluding to, but what I was hearing was I needed to say and do everything L wanted me to do so I could continue to work here and if I don't agree, my position is going to be eliminated, and then I can't process anything, because all I hear is that my position is going to be eliminated, so I start fawning, and I agreed to everything - step down from Able, stop doing events, stop improving the office, stop tryign to change policy, stay in my lane, keep my head down, my mouth shut, so I did.  She kept me isolated from everyone for 3 years, I lost everyone, my friends no longer checked in on me, hadn't...ever really...no one was there for me when I was trapped in an abusive relationship, no one offered their house to me, everyone was "going through it" and I had to "understand" but Not one person I know had NO ONE...and I didn't have no one either, but then...I want to make a list of what it is I actually did have, and do have, and the actual extent of it...

and people will say "oh what a good exercise, to be grateful of what you do have, and to focus on your abundance, you'll realize you have so much more than you actually do, and so much more than others...and it goes back to, I'm not ungrateful for what I DO have, but I literally am touch starved to the point I've developed a sensory processing disorder, and I'm afraid this is what every day is going to be like for the rest of my life...and then I realize, I've been saying that every day of my entire life, it's time to face facts and realize this is all it'll ever be, and just be ok with it, focus on finishing up the projects, giving everything away, reading the last of the books...and just being the ghost I've been my entire life.  The pictures I keep up just remind me that was as good as it was going to get...I didn't realize that was all I was going to get. 

So I grieve for how many things I'll never get to experience.  And I lie here, body having EFs from all the 'murica going on outside...and just mourning the person I'll never get to be.  It doesn't mean I don't fully appreciate moments when I'm in them...it's that they happen so rarely that I tend to ruin it by finally having another human that sees me, and acknowledges me than I word vomit about my trauma because I need to verbally vent about my situation and have it validated....and it's this loop I feel trapped in, so what do I focus on, the grief? the looping? I wish my therapist had given me that dang list.  Grrrr.

 :bighug:

The anniversary of my car...and then the fridge, and everything was for 2 months but kept happening every month, so I couldn't even have one month, I had to try to have a good week...then I had to try to just have a good day, and then most days maybe just a good hour...and it got to the point where a good hour was just no fire drills and I could crawl into bed and not move.  Every time the car alarm goes off, I think, one of these times, it's going to happen again.  It doesn't mean I rush to the window every time with anxiety, but it's just the awareness of the inevitable, and knowing there's nothing I can do to stop it.  Like the moment I realized, here is the pattern again, and this leads to getting my position eliminated, and what have I learned? How have I grown? I hadn't even managed to get out of survival mode.  And so the drama comes...and wants to create a woe is me victim story...so I don't tell it...or if I try to tell it, I correct myself all the time because I want to make sure I'm being accurate, and fair, and unbiased, but who the heck has been unbiased for ME? Who has advocated for me?

Why do I go through life feeling marginalized and alone? Oh, because I am.  Woe is me. 

I wonder if the projected therapist part would want me to consider that perhaps because I've never had validation from others, I invalidate myself. 

I think about the sushi dinners I used to organize, I hated being the organizer, because the restaurant gives you the side eye and then you get bad service when you tell them you want reservations for 20 and 3 show up.  It's embarrassing and I wanted people to validate I was embarrassed and how HARD it was for me to keep planning events that weren't interesting enough for people to show up to.  Like my birthday parties.  To the point where I realize the last birthday I had is going to be the last birthday I have.  I knew not to grieve it while it was happening, I tried to savor every bit, and did the best I could with what I had...but you know what I've never had? I've never had a birthday *I* really wanted...just someone else's interpretation of what they assume I want - even though I tell them every year...just no one cares enough to actually do the thing.  Which isn't true...so why do I want to say it?  The true thing is, I had a year I was taken out for my birthday and we ordered two entrees and both things were what *I* wanted to eat.  I was blissfully happy...as happy as I was in the memory of my dad and I in the diner and I got to order a burger with onion rings AND french fries...people are amazed at how little it takes to make me happy...perhaps that's because the bar has been set woefully low that I have to be grateful for every little thing I have because the things I have never have feel like they fill up an entire city block in my brain.  The other birthday I had, N organized, she got together chafing dishes that contained some foods I like (but prepared the way she likes them), and we dressed up and had a murder mystery, that was well done except for my need to understand my character ahead of time, because I do not know how to be spontaneous and ad-lib so I spent too much of the time in my own head trying to understand how to participate and very little time actually enjoying the experience.  I just keep coming back to being mad at people for not interpreting EXACTLY what it is I want, and not giving me what I need...and you may think, well EA, you can't expect these people to be mind readers - except I literally spell out exactly what I want, every time...people just have selective hearing. 

I just wish people would check for understanding...and my new friends do, which is wonderful I guess...if they weren't all virtual :( Which triggers the CC again :( Deja Vu, over and over again, alone over and over again, jobless, carless, homeless...and who is going to intervene...I'm just a ghost after all.  Until someone needs something.  But now they don't even ask me when they need something, they've all replaced me with even that. 

And I don't feel like that all the time, most of the time I'm perfectly content to be a ghost.  I can do what I want, when I want. I'm not  beholden to anyone, I don't have to get dressed, or worry about my hair, or how I look...no one can see me.  I can watch what I want, when I want and have whatever opinion I have about it, and not have to worry about putting that opinion into words, because no one cares what I think anyway.  Guess that's what acceptance is?

Grief for M

I've mentioned her before, but time to make her a topic.  I remembered last night I was slowly migrating my old blog here...in a way, and I've got an appointment with my therapist in 30 minutes, but I wasn't sure what was going to come up, so I decided to...pre-game? in a way, and start processing my trauma so I'd be in the middle of it when our session started.  It's a lot going on and I want to unpack, but TBH, I'd rather unpack here in my journal and get focused on actual treatment in my sessions...it's not my fault I don't have friends to vent to about every little thing (which is again, untrue, but also part of the problem). 

To be frank, the parts have more of a voice here, even if I don't label them (lazy, sorry...also not lazy, no editing spoon).  The parts where I know it's my mother's ingrained in me to assume I'm constantly being melodramatic is...but I recognize EVERYTHING is performative, and I'm not. I never have been, that's always been my problem. I say things exactly how they are.  How I see them. I invite everyone to contradict me.  To tell me I'm projecting my own thoughts onto the situation, but I'm not seeing it clearly, I ask them to share with me their perspective, and they look at me blankly and tell me I think too much.  It's so frustrating to try to talk to people that are incapable of listening.  Of hearing.  And I've been saying this my entire life and they just say, "I heard everything you said" and then parrot it back to me.  It's not being able to repeat back to me (which reminds me of teaching) it's being able to understand what it is I'm saying and repeating it, it's....the higher levels of thinking, being able to tell me what it is that they heard, their lived experience will unintentionally alter the definition of the subjective words I'm using, NO ONE has had my life experience. and I don't mean that in a "I'm the only one" I mean that's literally ALL of us, I can empathize, and I have a HIGH degree of being an empath, I literally am in other people's heads ALL the time.  When I was a child, it was a problem, and even my first few years online, I could actually see people.  They would say to me all the time, "get out of my head" when I was in school I would answer people's questions that they didn't say out loud.  I just KNEW things, and so people told me I was weird - but that's just a story I tell myself to make it sound like I'm psychic. I mean, yes, I'm fairly psychic, but that's only because I am hypervigilant and see patterns in things no one ever notices.  And I want someone to see that in me and tell me it's a gift.  It's a superpower.  It sets me above and beyond anyone they've worked with because it Makes Me Good At My Job...but over and over I'm just...weird.  and don't seem to fit in.  And people don't really get me...and they tend to exclude me from things.  And I try so hard to fit in, but I've been alone for so long that I...I forget people are people sometimes? I spend so much time with the projected image I have of them in my head...the conversations I would have if I had time with them....but it doesn't go like it does in my head, no matter how much I cognitively prepare.  I spend all day every day having conversations in my head with people, to try to figure out what I could do, what I could say to have things work out where I could stop being traumatized and focus on getting my mental health under control...

See?  All the parts had a say, all by me deciding to pick a topic, and although I started out with a topic, I unraveled trauma.  Trauma that thinking about writing about one person...so you'd think that I was traumatized by the relationship with her ending.  That it was "triggering my abandonment issues" but...she wasn't a good friend.  She was just the only person willing to be my friend...she wasn't the friend I needed, she was the friend I had, and so I see all the connections this person had with triggers in my life, it's...SHE wasn't the trigger, the situation...I can't figure out what I'm trying to say.  This is why I wish I could have conversations with M - she was the one that helped me figure out what it was I was trying to say.  So I'm sure she felt "icky" because I was using her.  Her OFFER to use her house as a safe space to heal from my trauma.  So basically, "I'm sorry me taking you up on your offer made you feel ICKY, because the type of friend I NEED wouldn't just say things for show.  Like, "I'm here if you need me" but then, when you say, "I need you" they say, "k, well my therapist told me it was a good idea for my healing to tell you I love you, but you make me feel icky...there, I'm so glad we have the friendship where we can tell each other the hard things...which is what I told N...and then realized she hadn't heard a word I said.  And it hurt.  It didn't hurt when M told me she was "breaking up with me" because A) that's not what she said, that's the way snark is interpreting it...

Just had my therapy session and we discovered why I keep making things more dramatic than they actually are when I tell a story, and WHY.  We found a lot more pattern recognition pieces and all in all was a really good session. 

(What I started writing while I was waiting for my therapist (she's always late, but she also lets me go until the last minute, and doesn't stop 10 minutes before the top of the hour like all the other therapists do, so...I guess it balances out?)

So then what I realize I'm trying to say that in lieu of having another person to talk to, I make projections of people to engage in conversation with so I can trigger parts work, because everything is a trigger.  The post I was intending to make, the topic I was trying to bring up, never got brought up because I end up having a stream of consciousness (word vomit) but it was in a post (and I probably need to go back and edit that, I have NO idea what I said, but I remember there were some important themes, and I'm glad I wrote them down because now I have no conscious memory of it. 

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(Today) I had to stop for my therapy session, and then went and did other things while reflecting on what I read and was going to post yesterday, but never came back to it.  I do that a lot, leave drafts of posts here, and then post them days after I type them.  I still haven't re-read what word vomit came up yesterday, and that's fine...I've been avoidant for a bit and oversharing in others, still working on balance.  Starting to reach the part in reflecting on my interview as embarrassed at letting parts of my personality slip out, because the message I receive from everyone is I'm not acceptable as I am and I need to mask to fit in. Other things came up during therapy as well, but I don't feel like sharing them. 

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The post I intended to start with:

2020 - This was a post in my old journal that was titled M, but was really about D.  I don't want to post it verbatim here, so I'll just leave my thoughts...because I'm reading it with today's brain and not the brain I had in 2020.

M gave me the suggestion that worked for her in her situation, not taking into account our situations aren't similar.  It frustrated her to have me reject her "advice" because to her my problems were simple and she couldn't fathom why I couldn't just have what she had by doing what she does.  Time and time again she would give me her opinion and I knew full well I wouldn't be successful if I did what she thought I should do.  The one thing I liked about her was that she could take my jumbled mess of not understanding something and explain it to me in a way that made sense...I would be unstuck and make more progress than I could here in isolation, trying to figure out things on my own. 

In the post, I said I learned what not being a victim is, it's asking for what you want, realize you're not getting it, and having the confidence to walk away.  I didn't KNOW because it's all I knew.  I have been told I've been acting like a victim my entire life, mostly by people that are disgusted with me.  A more nuanced explanation of acting like a victim is assuming responsibility for the way other people treat me. Thinking it was some fault of mine, that if I just tried harder, did more, sacrificed everything, I would belong. 

Trigger Warning - My experience and triggers come up

I have (have always had) food insecurity.  It comes up again and again and I haven't been able to work through it.  I made it clear to a recent friend that now that my position has been eliminated, I can't splurge on going out to eat with her any longer.  I really thought she got it, but then she texted me "dinner together on Friday?" I so responded, "I'd love to go for a walk with you on Friday, the weather looks nice and I'd love an opportunity to get out of the house"  She replied asking if I could take her grocery shopping on Saturday.  I ran into her today, walking her dog while I was walking myself...and I honestly don't know how to have any sort of conversation with her.  Sigh. 

Anyways....the post -

Backstory - when I was with my ex, I tried to explain to him about my food insecurity, he would often spend $100s of dollars on luxury food items (none of which constituted an actual meal) when we would go food shopping, and this stressed me out, so he just paid for my groceries as well (please note, my groceries for the month are usually around $40, and I NEVER took advantage by buying splurgy type things).  When we would go out for dinner, he would always pay as well.  This was never discussed, and I never took it for granted.  Once the relationship ended, but I was still trapped with him, everything changed...

2020 - because NOW, he's decided to subtract every meal he's ever paid for me out of our RENT to get out of paying me.  He also decided he will refuse to move out unless I let him have our security deposit, even though half of it's mine.  When I say to him, "I won't be able to afford rent unless I can find a roommate and the way you keep the place right now will make it impossible for me to find someone, and unless I do, that means I will have to move out too", but he says he's out of a job so he won't be able to afford to find a place unless I give him that deposit money.  Like he is the wronged party forcing him out on the streets. He wanted to end things with ME, he is the one that cheated on me and now he wants to manipulate the situation because karma is catching up with him? I'm supposed to sympathize that he might potentially force me out - he talks to me like "you made your bed, now you lie in it", when HE is the one in the wrong, how can he seriously not see his own actions, like all of his behavior is justifiable - well yes, it makes perfect sense if you take your own things out of the kitchen that don't inconvenience me at all, then I will retaliate by hiding the silverware.   :stars:


He would only take me food shopping when he ran out of alcohol or decided he wanted to go. I started marking down the dates on my dry erase board.  I relied on him to drive me to the store, but once we were there, I was on my own to figure out what food I could afford, and with my food insecurity, one day I just started crying in the frozen food section.  Meanwhile, he'd load up his cart with anything that caught his eye...and the worst part was, he would consistently eat the food *I* had bought but then acted hostile towards me if I ate anything of his.  Even things he offered me. We always had separate everything, but he'd always use all of MY things...so each time I needed to go into the kitchen for a meal, I'd have to wash a dish...I finally moved my dishes to another cabinet (because he's a (negative word) so he wouldn't think to look anywhere else, but as soon as he caught on I was "hiding" my dishes from him, he retaliated by removing ALL his dishes and all the silverware to his closet.  I was also not allowed in our shared bedroom, so I couldn't get to my closet to change my clothes.  If I tried to go into the bedroom, he would rush in there as if I was "up to something" and if I resisted, he would drag me out by my neck. 

The part of me that is dramatic feels comfort telling this...but the part of me that is scared of "exaggerating" wants to say, this didn't happen every time...the dragging me out by my neck.  There was a way I could lull him into complacency, by acting a certain way so I could get things done, but it made me loathe myself.  I can't understand people's perception that I would "go back to him".  I needed support and someone to get me through this.  I had everyone take his side and treat me like I'm some unbalanced psycho that would boil his bunny if he had the chance.  I really hate everyone that didn't let me speak my truth and would rather unfriend me than support me because it's "uncomfortable". 

Trigger Warning - More trauma from an abusive relationship...


 K, I'm so thankful you and D found each other.  I deserve so much more than having to continue to live with an abusive, controlling, self-centered boy who gets off on hurting me both physically as well as mentally.  I wouldn't have been able to see how badly I've allowed myself to be treated these past 6 years if it weren't for me finding out about you and the others. 

Deciding our room is "his" because he won't move his computer to the sunroom, but then tells me I need to pay more rent because I am using it.  Even though I made it clear I don't want to be in there (he forced me to isolate at that end of the house before I found out he was cheating on me with you all) to give him the privacy he needed, while I worked full time and he "Did D things" and I supported both of us while he stopped paying rent and didn't pitch in to help with any of the household things.  Expected me to cook the dinner for both of us while he watched TV nightly with L. 

Tells me if he has to move into the spare bedroom, I need to pay $200 more dollars in rent plus utilities.  Tells me even though he is now forcing me to buy my own groceries, and he often eats things I have purchased for myself, but I should also be paying for his groceries. 

Tells me he's going to move out and not pay rent even though he's legally obligated to, if I can't find a roommate.

Tells me even though he hasn't paid rent in 3 months, if I don't pay him utilities ($271) immediately, like he's been "asking me for weeks" then he'll change the password on the internet so I can't work tomorrow.


He's D (my brother).  He knows my triggers and stays calm and "rational" while making me doubt my sanity by triggering my PTSD.  So I snap, get triggered, start panicking and he uses that to justify the thought that I'm the crazy one.  But he's MANIPULATING the situation, so the more calm and rational I am, the more reasonable I present, I don't fall into his trap like I did at events, I have to just be above it, detached and share with ppl all the good *I* am working on, giving my energy to ME, not him, not even continuing to tell others what is going on (they are tired of hearing it anyways)  You CAN do this.



Dear L,

I'm SO glad even though you have your own Plex D is so warm and understanding as to download all of these movies/tv shows onto our Plex.  Your taste is so not in line with D's, but to watch him patiently sit through all these terrible things, happily even, when he wouldn't ever do it for me....Just reminds me of EVERY TIME HE WOULDN"T DO IT FOR ME, and I'm like oh yeah, well why the f would I want to be with someone like that??? I'm GLAD you're taking up all of his attention, it makes me realize that I can actually have what I want now...I didn't have to sit in the house all bloody weekend on a beautiful fall day because I'd rather (not) drive to Indiana to get a GUN, it's like you think you're in the militia....collecting....collecting knives....Are you going to start collecting guns now?  I mean, how many tabs did you have open in your browser the other day....one day your luck is going to run out and your parents aren't going to be able to stop this train wreck.  They don't even WANT to, they say, "this is a you problem, not an us problem" Because they think the problem is with the perception THEY have of you...you're such a kind, generous, loving son, you are such a hard worker....they can't see you for what you are...a lazy addict who would sit home for a whole year doing nothing but playing video games, reading reddit and chatting with other girls while you stopped paying rent and let me support the two of us for 6 months before you paid me back in full...Do you have any idea how much money that is?  You made me the BB to your Cracker! You've sunk THAT low. 

If I told your story, but took out your name, no one would take your side, but because it's you....the point is, I don't want them to HATE you, I want them to realize there's something unstable about you, and expedite the getting away...I am literally living sliding doors....now I just need to meet the guy in the elevator. 

My thoughts are happening faster than I can write them down, I don't know why I think I can remember them tomorrow, I can't even remember them NOW, geeze short term memory, thanks. 

Ok....

The thought of packing makes me happy, the organization and rehoming of my things that don't spark joy.


Sigh  That puts me in such a good headspace, because now I have a plan, and he's my mirror...

It was never about interest, it was only about control.  Here I am wanting to tell you about these breakthroughs, because you KNOW me and you of all people would see the significance, and the realization, over and over that you don't care about me AT ALL, you never did! Why on earth would you feign interest for so long? Do you like broken people? You must, it explains all these broken girls you're collecting. 

Is it the fact that you're so insecure that you need to surround yourself with people that don't know him, because the people that know you can see through your act??

You wanted something from me I wasn't giving you, but instead of just TELLING me what it is you wanted/needed you just looked for it elsewhere....all I wanted was to be seen, to be heard, and each time you ran away....triggering trauma, abandonment issues, financial issues, calling me a liar, attacking me the second I come home, not respecting me enough to be equitable, or are you really that unstable/broken/suffering a midlife crisis....did you mentally snap?  You aren't safe to be around anymore if you don't have my best interest in mind you are energy I don't want to be around and I'm so looking forward to the day I'm free of you. 



semantics get better, but not sure if they really are - must re-read tomorrow

definitely calmer, after I've had my say.  I tried not having my say, but he followed me.  He didn't even want to know, and I called him on it, meanwhile I eventually got out everything *I* wanted to say, regardless he probably won't remember, didn't ask him anything, didn't care about L just wanted to eat dinner, relax, and find my happy place again, I'm safe in my room, he can go f himself, and I'm in a good headspace.

Escalating triggers, he was my dad and I had closure from that with memorial, (superficial closure?) now he's D (my brother), time and time again...the being in the room you know I want to be in until you see I'm leaving, then move??? THE F D.  and so I am, and so I am, reverting to the reactions I had that he triggered, like the time in K's house, when he was so calm, and I was so triggered, he even has the same tone...he's my mirror....deep breathe. 

The more I can stay here the more it is like exercise for my resilience learning how to not react like I did to Dad, to D, over and over...that's not me anymore...the me that has to fill people in...reiterate last sessions question re: needing to be an "adult" is that what it means? You said select few...so am I respecting boundaries?

I wish people would just tell me.  I really don't know, stop standing around waiting for me to figure it out, you could have just TOLD me. 

wait for clarification and stop getting defensive!

You can't understand why I'd want you to take the time to think of memories you could make for just the two of us, instead of just re-doing all the stale things you did for 10 years with your ex-wife, you decided to perceive that as me not letting you do anything with me that you did with her - which you find very limiting, and literally I meant like, can you not call me the same things you call her, take me to the same place you took her for a special night, use the same (redacted) on me!? EW?! and so for 5 years I waited, I tried over and over to explain how important it was for us not to just use her ornaments on our tree, but to create something that was ours, a tradition I never had before, not just doing the little match girl version of living someone else's life, but for me to be accepted and be a part, instead I always felt like I was on the sidelines...and when I told you what I felt, you could have done something to ensure I felt loved, cherished, included...do you think you did? do you really think spending all weekend every weekend aside from family obligations stuck in the house...but you never got it, you got your perception of waht I was saying.  we just aren't compatible and why I couldn't see that sooner was because of my childhood, what's your excuse? To keep doing it now, even though I can see it for what it is.  Why do you persist in hurting me? What kind of person could do that to another, let alone someone they claimed they loved....K, L, N...you girls can HAVE him.  He's not that good of a catch, and he knows it, soon you will too. 

2020 - more Trigger Warnings maybe


I'm torn between wanting to talk to someone to vent and just stop bothering everyone with my feelings.  I hate this feeling.  It started with him deciding that he no longer wants to buy my groceries any longer, even though I explained to him the reason why we decided to do that is because I have money/food related issues, and I don't want to contribute to his $400 grocery run, which is 90% things I don't eat/drink anyway. 

So we go back to the way things were, where I buy what I can afford, and he's buying everything else.  He says I can help myself to anything of his, he's got too much, and he's "nice".  So fine, I stick to my own foods for the most part, and occasionally make something that includes something that's from when we were still "together" and our food was ours.  Meanwhile, he has started eating the food that I paid for, with no remorse or acknowledgement that it's mine.  Started with the pesto/gnocchi, which he assumed was his...my broccoli, which he tried to bargain for by giving me freezer burned cauliflower that he doesn't want..my eggs, my bread, my rice...not just uncooked that he's preparing and eating for himself, but the actual rice from the cabinet.  Other things too, but it's not as if I've been keeping track, it's literally because he asked me in a condescending tone and implied it was JUST one bag of broccoli.  Sorry I wasn't being petty and keeping track for you.  Then when I'm prepping chicken, he tells me he should be able to eat it because it's his.  He says I should start paying for some of his groceries as well.  Because I'm already paying for my own even though he's eating them?? Trying not to get upset at that, because this is a temporary thing, and I can let this go.  He giveth and taketh away the dumplings, which he clearly bought for me, because they are STILL sitting in the fridge.  And newest on the ridiculously petty - he put back in the freezer the pork chops I had taken out to defrost.

I've stopped assuming I can borrow his mother's car, even though she says it's fine.  I've caved and put money back on my ventra card, which means even less money in my budget so I can get to my appointments once it gets too cold to continue walking.  He seems to be oblivious to this fact although both days I had treatment, he conveniently made the car unavailable.  Saturday he was "off to Indiana to buy a gun" and Monday he got home early and stayed out until I had to leave. Even saw me on the corner on my way and tried to act like everything was fine...."oh, did you want me to leave you alone??" ok...like HE is trying to be nice and I'm being standoffish...then when I get home, he's all like, Oh, I didn't even realize it was your appointment, I don't want you to think I intentionally did that...I mean, did you practice saying that before I got home?  Idiot.  I can see through you now.  You are a horrible, mean, petty, selfish person.  Of COURSE you didn't remember, it wasn't all about YOU.  Why would you consider ANYONE else but yourself??

Like when I tell you I need to get stuff done in the living room, so you purposefully open up all the chats you have with your "lovers".  Who me? What am I doing? Of course I'm interested in all these things other people want me to like...I literally have no personality of my own, I'm just whomever other people want me to be...I mean, anyone that isn't YOU, I just didn't want to be what YOU wanted me to be.  Sorry it took you 6 years to get the hint. 

This is why yet again, I have done all the cleaning in the house, and you haven't been food shopping since 8/23...but it's ok, you'll go again soon, you're almost out of alcohol. 

So here I am, packing, counting the days until I am free of you. 

Turns out I did write the story...I tried posting it where I knew he might read it, but the universe didn't want me to, so I'll leave it here....TRIGGER WARNINGS, just in case...




He's been living with this girl for 6 years, and she disclosed to him she has relational trauma and sometimes she gets triggered, and would like him to research in whatever way he prefers to understand this disability so he could support her through the times she gets anxious and starts spiraling. He thinks this is too much work and she's probably just throwing a temper tantrum, he kinda just wants to do his own thing, and doesn't really care unless it directly affects him. She ends up supporting him for a year while he's unemployed, and although he's paying for utilities and groceries, she's been paying the rent and doing all the cleaning. She starts feeling very isolated, all she does is work all day, then come home to clean up after them both, cook for them both, and go to bed alone because he'd rather talk to people online and "do his own thing" and then the pandemic happens.

It triggers a C-PTSD episode, but she's too stressed to see the signs. She asks him to spend time with her, because when she's not working 60 hours a week (while he plays video games) she feels isolated, like she's climbing the walls. He doesn't know why she's complaining so much, so he puts on headphones to tune her out. This isn't what he wants in a GF so he starts talking to other girls online. He starts spending more time talking to these other girls, then extending it to remotely watching movies and shows with one, and having x-rated conversations with another. He feels great, except when he has to interact with his GF, who is just so damn needy. She wants to talk, or sit on the couch, or watch a show together...maybe go away for the weekend? Why can't she just leave him alone? So one day, when he's had enough, (after completely gaslighting her, picking a fight with her and making her think she's lost her mind to the point she's so overstimulated and dysregulated she just needs it all to stop) he takes off his headphones, breaks up with her and puts them right back on. Now he's made it clear they aren't together, he can just go back to doing what he likes and she can figure her own * out.

She has a hard time but gets herself the help she needs to recover from her crisis. She shows him with words and actions that she realizes the missteps she took in the relationship, and would like to start over being friends, but he isn't interested. He's decided that even though she pays the entire rent, he should have the master bedroom to himself (even though all her things are still in there). He starts acting out of character, unstable, buying assorted weapons which make her feel unsafe, diving deeper and deeper into the online persona he's created for himself, spending nearly all his time talking to people that enjoy this persona - it makes him feel better than he's felt in years. He can't understand why he's got to pay his half of the rent, he already pays utilities. He tells her he's no longer providing her groceries, and even though she doesn't have a car, he doesn't care if she can't get to a store. When she is able to buy herself staples, he helps himself to them, because they are there, so they must be his...asks her why she doesn't start help paying for his groceries as well. He makes sure to only get enough food for himself, or if he does get enough food for both of them, and tells her she can help herself, berates her if she does.

She explains to him one night that although he may have moved on, she thinks his refusal to move out of the master bedroom is implying he doesn't want to break up, and if that isn't the case, he should move his things to the spare bedroom, where he can be assured he'll get his privacy. He should move his computer to that side of the house as well, and they can live separately until the lease is up. She explains to him she's tried sleeping in the spare room, but it triggers her C-PTSD, she can't breathe when she's in there, she hates hearing him with these other girls, she hates walking by their closed bedroom door, she hasn't slept for days and when she finally does fall asleep she has nightmares. He tells her to get over it.

He decides to be on his computer whenever she's on the couch, and magnifies the conversations he has with his "lovers" to ensure she can see them. He makes up excuses as to why she can't use the car when she needs to get to treatment. He blames her for wanting health insurance so she can pay for said treatment. Any time she asks for equity, he threatens her.

If she takes meat out of the freezer to thaw for dinner, he puts it back in the freezer. He tells her he'll go food shopping soon, but then changes his mind, there's too many things happening on the internet. If she insists that they start discussing ways to be equitable, he threatens to turn the internet off, or at least change the password, which puts her job at risk. If she asks him not to do that, he'll pull up apartment listings implying he'll move and leave her with all the bills (even though she's pointed out he's legally obligated by lease to continue paying), Any time she leaves the house he demands to know where she is going, and then accuses her of lying when she doesn't come home when he thinks she should.

It's gotten to the point she sleeps on the floor with a bookcase pressed against the door to keep him out and dreams of the day she can be free.

He on the other hand, thinks everything is fine and doesn't understand why she's such a b.

More from that time...TRIGGER WARNING

I took chicken out of the freezer to thaw, and ask him to fry it.  We clarify we need an ingredient we don't have, so I say I'll prep them another way.  He says he should be able to eat the chicken, since he paid for it. I cook the chicken and leave it on the counter for him, he ignores it, and buys himself a 10 pack of Popeyes. The rest of the chicken goes bad and I had to throw it out.  I had asked him if we could get sashimi on Wednesday or Friday.  Well now there's all this chicken in the fridge, so I let it go.  Friday he texts and says, "I forgot to order the sashimi, should I put in an order?" - 1. I was going to pay for it I just needed him to get it and 2. I assumed this was something we weren't doing since the whole "the chicken is mine" episode.  I say sure, I already bought all the fixins...

he comes home with a sashimi platter (that's enough fish for 4 ppl easy WITH leftovers) and 6 dumplings, 2 of each kind, says I can help myself to them, he couldn't resist buying them.

So I eat sushi Friday/Saturday and Sunday I take 2 dumplings for lunch. 

He says, I don't remember saying you could have the dumplings, but whatever, I guess I'll have to figure out something else for lunch.  I say I only ate one of them, I'll bring the other home.  Meanwhile, they're now sitting in the fridge, uneaten, because it wasn't about him wanting the dumplings, it was about him not wanting ME to have them.

He just keeps doing things like that, like daily.

Yesterday he got home early, and knows I have treatment, so instead of coming upstairs, went for a walk.  I start walking the 2 miles to treatment, and he comes up to me at an intersection all, "hey, how are you? oh, did you want me to leave you alone? Oh ok, have a good walk!"

I just reply, "I don't even know what you're talking about" and cross the street bc I had the light.

When I got home 3 hours later, he said, "oh, I don't want you to think I intentionally didn't let you borrow my mom's car, I'm sorry"

I wanted a connection, a partner.  What I got is someone who is on their phone 24/7, can put it away when we are in a group setting, but if it's just the two of us, it's really the 3 of us. Out to dinner, watching tv together...watching sunset...here's a photo of the three of us, enjoying a beautiful sunset in Florida.

it's always been this way, not just since we broke up...I've always felt alone I'd ask him, can you just give me ONE hour a night, where we can sit on the couch and just talk...but he acted like it was an obligation, a chore, and he kept looking at his watch to see how much longer he had. I put up with it because everyone told me that's what a relationship was like.

We can stop thoughts that lead to anxiety by consciously replacing them by more rational thoughts like the following:

When anxiety is near:

1. I'm going to be all right. My feelings are not always rational. I'm just going to relax, calm down, and everything will be all right.

2. Anxiety is not dangerous — it's just uncomfortable. I am fine; I'll just continue with what I'm doing or find something more active to do.

3. Right now I have some feelings I don't like. They are really just phantoms, however, because they are disappearing. I will be fine.

4. Right now I have feelings I don't like. They will be over with soon and I'll be fine. For now, I am going to focus on doing something else around me.

5. That picture (image) in my head is not a healthy or rational picture. Instead, I'm going to focus on something healthy like _________________________.

6. I've stopped my negative thoughts before and I'm going to do it again now. I am becoming better and better at deflecting these automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) and that makes me happy.

7. So I feel a little anxiety now, SO WHAT? It's not like it's the first time. I am going to take some nice deep breaths and keep on going. This will help me continue to get better."

When preparing for a stressful situation

1. I've done this before so I know I can do it again.

2. When this is over, I'll be glad that I did it.

3. The feeling I have about this trip doesn't make much sense. This anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I'll just continue to walk forward until I pass right through it.

4. This may seem hard now, but it will become easier and easier over time.

5. I think I have more control over these thoughts and feelings than I once imagined. I am very gently going to turn away from my old feelings and move in a new, better direction.

When feeling overwhelmed

1. I can be anxious and still focus on the task at hand. As I focus on the task, my anxiety will go down.

2. Anxiety is a old habit pattern that my body responds to. I am going to calmly and nicely change this old habit. I feel a little bit of peace, despite my anxiety, and this peace is going to grow and grow. As my peace and security grow, then anxiety and panic will have to shrink.

3. At first, my anxiety was powerful and scary, but as time goes by it doesn't have the hold on me that I once thought it had. I am moving forward gently and nicely all the time.

4. I don't need to fight my feelings. I realize that these feelings won't be allowed to stay around very much longer. I just accept my new feelings of peace, contentment, security, and confidence.

5. All these things that are happening to me seem overwhelming. But I've caught myself this time and I refuse to focus on these things. Instead, I'm going to talk slowly to myself, focus away from my problem, and continue with what I have to do. In this way, my anxiety will have to shrink away and disappear.

When to Complain: To Relieve Discomfort

Complaining releases frustration and discomfort and allows you to recoup the energy you need to move on with your day (or night). Whether you vent out loud or to yourself, you'll release some of that pent-up negative energy you'd otherwise be holding on to. Letting it go can lead to a better mood, not to mention more restful sleep.

When to Abstain: If you find yourself with the same complaint day after day, take a hard look at the source of your frustration. Feeling perpetually dissatisfied or uncomfortable likely means that something's amiss, and should be a wake-up call to figure out a solution, or what to change.

Chronic complaining (rather than doing) can keep you mired in a place of resigned acceptance, or simmering anger. Instead of ruminating on negative feelings, which can lead to depression, channel your dissatisfaction into strategies to solve your problem.


It's one thing to be irritated over small things (such as a longer line to get into the store than to get out of it), but if you blow up every time you run up against an inconvenience, consider brushing up on some stress management techniques to help you emotionally disengage from situations you can't control.

When to Complain: To Gain a Fresh Perspective

There is an image that has a number drawn on the floor with two people standing on either side of the number. One person sees a 6, and the other sees a 9. They are both right, yet they are wrong in the eyes of the other person because of their perspective. When we view a problem from just one vantage point—our own—it can become magnified or distorted. Talking to a trusted friend may open a door to an alternative perspective, which can dissolve our anger and frustration, and open up new solutions and ways of coping.

When to Abstain: Yes, we all complain sometimes. In fact, our brain will tend to magnify the bad and minimize the good, allowing negative thoughts to take over and define a situation. But we tend to find chronic complainers a downer and a drain on our energy. Be careful that your complaints don't become so excessive that they overwhelm your listeners and push friends and family away. In addition, focusing on the negative will keep you riled up and cloud over many of the joys of life. Instead, work to find the good. Notice when you're focusing more on the negative than the positive, particularly at the end of the day. For each negative thing that happened, come up with one positive thing that happened to balance it out, and shift your perspective. Nothing is too small to qualify.

Complaining is catchall terms we use to describe what we do when we voice our feelings of dissatisfaction. Being cognizant about when and how we express ourselves, and for what purpose, can help us distinguish between strategic complaining and chronic whining—helping us balance our emotional health and build stronger relationships with the people around us.

Eerie Anne, I am catching up on your journal and resonate with the ways you discuss wanting connection.  Me too and that is something that I am really working on.  I appreciate all of your reflections and hope it is helping you sort out things you've carried.

I found this somewhere, and posted it somewhere, thinking I would give it a try whenever the situation presented itself and promptly forgot.
I don't know how I feel about this, and if I tried it what I would then feel...but figure I'll post it here again and ponder it for a bit...

Here's the deal: There's often no "right" choice. There is only a choice that works best for you. It may sound obvious, but acknowledging this truth takes some of the pressure off when you're faced with an important decision—which, in turn, makes it easier to make up your mind. Here are three strategies to help you make the tough calls:

Evaluate the Pros and Cons Every choice you make comes with a cost: time, energy, and attention. These are among your most valuable and limited assets, which is why your choices should be in line with your goals and priorities. The following technique, known as a value model, will help you evaluate the pros and cons of your options not only against one another, but against the things that matter most to you.

Step 1) Make a list of your values.
For example, ambition, creativity, and time with family.

Step 2) "Score" each option from 1 - 100 on how it aligns with your values.
Let's say you're considering accepting a more demanding job. Taking the job may get a 100 for ambition and a 60 for creativity, but a 25 for time with family. On the other hand, not taking the job gets a 20 for ambition, a 40 for creativity, and a 60 for time with family.

Step 3) Add up the value scores for each option.
Here's what it looks like in action:

Taking the Job             Not Taking the Job

Ambition: 100             Ambition: 20

Creativity: 60                  Creativity: 40

Time with Family: 30     Time with Family: 60

Total: 190                      Total: 120

The top-scoring option—in this example, taking the job—wins, and you can move forward with the peace of mind that you've made the best choice for you.

Take the Sting Out of Uncertainty Often, when we're struggling to make a decision, what we're really afraid of is the unknown. In fact, a study conducted by the American Psychological Association found that the most common stressors shared the factor of unpredictable outcomes.

Taking action when the outcomes are uncertain (and potentially negative) may feel risky, but remember: Without risk, there's no opportunity. There's no innovation. There's no growth. The key is to understand that uncertainty isn't something to fear—it's something to manage.

The next time you're feeling uncertain, prime yourself for a range of results by asking yourself, "Is there anything I can do to improve the chances of a good outcome?"

If the answer is "Yes": Outline the steps to make it happen.
If the answer is "No": Take a minute to prepare for the worst. Then, seek out the silver linings—little glimmers of hope or goodness that exist even if the worst does come to pass.

By thinking through the range of possible outcomes and making a plan to manage each one, you can take charge and feel more prepared for whatever comes your way.

Do a Gut Check Experts suggest that intuition is most instrumental in situations that lack a clear answer, or that rely on learned expertise and experience. In situations that require more data, however, trusting your gut can lead you astray. Emotional Reasoning, for example, is a Thinking Trap — a habitual and often inaccurate thought pattern that makes our problems seem worse than they actually are — in which you use your emotions as evidence that something is real: "I'm anxious about this situation. Therefore, something bad must be about to happen." While emotions are valid and exist to tell you important information, they can also cloud your judgment.

You can keep Emotional Reasoning in check by writing down what objective evidence you have to support your emotions. Then, compare your emotional evidence to the objective evidence in front of you. How do they compare? This test helps you decide whether your emotions are giving you accurate evidence about the decision at hand, so you can remain clear-headed and make a choice with confidence.

Quote from: rainydiary on July 07, 2023, 01:39:19 AMEerie Anne, I am catching up on your journal and resonate with the ways you discuss wanting connection.  Me too and that is something that I am really working on.  I appreciate all of your reflections and hope it is helping you sort out things you've carried.

rainydiary, I appreciate you so much.  I am slowly working through some feelings I didn't have time to process when things were happening, and I still feel rather self-involved and focused on my own healing...but hopefully soon I can branch out and return the favor of holding space in your own journal.  For now, please know how grateful I am that you visit my journal and leave your reflections and much needed compassion.  :hug:

I sincerely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read through the onslaught of journal entries I leave...it really helps me a lot to know there are people here who hold space for me, even though I cannot yet return the favor. 

2020 - a breakthrough I had when dealing with D POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS

I want to tell you all the long stories, and the explanations for why things are the way they are so that you'll understand me better. The point is I tried that in my last relationship, because I just wanted to be understood and I thought if I told more stories and I gave more explanations that the reasons why certain things triggered me would be understood. The only thing that ended up happening was me exposing all of my weaknesses and consequently having them continuously be used against me in an abusive and manipulative way.

This is the window, after therapy, after neurofeedback, after the call with D, that I reached the next level of understanding, the breakthrough...I feel like it hasn't happened in a while, and I was realizing that it was D that was triggering the breakthrough, but that exposing myself to him (like I did on Sunday) only ended badly for myself, I got triggered/gaslighted/abused and realized for my own mental health I need to limit my interactions with him.

K said something interesting that didn't resonate at the time, that we are roommates now, and I am under no obligation to interact with him.

All the thoughts I've been having, walking in on R with his little sister, the things D would do...realizing I can't open up to D because I can't trust if it's not just giving him ammunition, and on some level he understands that and logically since we have to wait at least 6 months anyway, he's in NO RUSH.  That's...alleviating so much pressure.  I can just be me.  And knowing I can be me changes my perspective so much, which is what he did with me back in July.  it's EASY for him to be inconsiderate, to not be affected that his actions are affecting me, he's so distanced from me I'm not even in his periphery anymore.  And that hurt, but now he's not on mine, and I can seriously be JUST as inconsiderate and say without emotion, I'm sorry, I just wasn't considering you.  I don't HAVE to, you're just my roommate and right now S was a better roommate than you.  You are the WORST to live with, you are so unkind.  What's more, you were terrible in bed.  You never gave me what I needed even when I SPELLED IT OUT for you.  F YOU. You are a * person, and an even worse friend.  Why the f would you think we were going to stay friends? After what you did, and continue to do you selfish, insecure, narcissistic, abusive, manipulative piece of s, surrounded by your f-ing sycophants that egg you on, but don't genuinely care about you! You won't let them, you constantly LIE to them, they don't even know you, they know the you you're pretending to be...and it's easy to pretend when they don't know the real you...even your parents don't know the real you, and when I threatened to expose you, you had to ban me from talking to them, well guess what, it's OK now.  I know you were only using my weakness against me, but it's NOT a weakness anymore, because people are choosing ME, choosing to believe me.
_______________________

I don't know who the ppl are that were choosing me, choosing to believe me...other than his cousin, well M, but mostly I didn't tell anyone details.  I really needed to.  I still project ppl that I get to confide in, to tell them what really happened, and I think it's the part that has been coming up lately, the dramatic one.  My therapist says she does it for all the times I've felt invisible, because being dramatic brings more attention to it, makes it bigger than it is so people notice, and me feeling so invisible leads to that part wanting to exaggerate so people will pay attention. 

The thing that sticks in my mind though, is the times other people don't see what I see.  Like B at work saying he didn't see anything wrong in the way my manager was responding to me, even though I felt it was incredibly triggering.  I keep thinking people won't see my interactions with D as abuse.  That feeling of having your perspective altered into what you felt you should be congratulated for you are actually being reprimanded for, and the feelings of being lost and confused and not clear on why.  Like ppl see what they want to see, and I just wonder if I'm seeing things that weren't really there.  Then, is the validation really accurate or just more telling people what you think they want to hear?

D - 2020

This is why I have to think about you, why I have to worry you like a dog with a bone, because eventually I can piece it together and get those breakthroughs and THAT is why you're my mirror.  It was easy to forget, but I got there even without them.  I am still insecure, I will still get triggered, but I'm really figuring it out this time, figuring it out on my own, figuring out what I want, what my dealbreakers are, where the line is, what *I* want....

I'm not making the same mistake.  The mistake that I let you take my time, that I thought if we moved in together I would get to keep my time.  What ended up happening is I gave myself up for you, all of me in trying to be something you wanted, only you would never TELL me what you wanted, you made me guess and when I got it WRONG you just made up your own mind, you decided for me, if I was allowed to have a panic attack, if it was acceptable.  If I was allowed to be comfortable in my own skin, if I was allowed to feel happy, or pleasure, you wouldn't encourage my growth! You wouldn't encourage me to do the things that made me feel good.  You lied about it, from August-September, and once I figured out it was a lie, it all disappeared.  Now you try to twist things around and tell me you can't figure it out, it's my fault, because *I'm* being hostile and you are an innocent victim...is that what you're telling them? Another ex-wife story?  Is this what you DID to her?  It probably was, and although you vehemently deny it, thou doth protest a little too much sir.  Why else would you constantly tell me how many jobs you've applied to, I know you're just playing video games and talking to et al.  Reddit...I KNOW you, and that's what you can't reconcile with, so you threaten me.  Well f you.  167 days.  Now back to ME. Focus is on ME again, and you can make an f-ing appointment because I don't NEED you. I'll let you know when I do.

Aside of the myriad of things that have happened recently that I KNOW I should be writing here but just haven't, holy crap I'm in a good mood.  I can actually sink into a show and ENJOY it now without the constant tugging me out for something inane, I can watch WHAT I want, WHEN I want stop it as often as I want and not be made to feel guilty...sure you said countless times you didn't mind but you made me FEEL like you did...all your bs gaslighting now, and hiding your silverware AGAIN???? WHAT IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU????? 

And then there's THAT level, the level where I can just make you sound crazy, but the deeper level is the dangerous game I not only can see you play now, but catch you in the lies, and SEE when you're not planning on doing the thing....maybe at one time it was your ADHD, but for you seriously to never make any modifications at all, but now completely textbook bs....you're so predictable now, and I laugh and I tell you I see, but I need to stop that, next phase is just biting my tongue and walking away. 

I realize that I have to let Drama out, so the part of me that wants to correct her...is the one processing the trauma for me.  Giving me accurate pieces of the puzzle I was putting into words...over and over again...but not understanding it myself.  The fact that I had a disability, and I knew (and had it verified by HR) that I could NOT disclose I had a disability to my manager...so I had to ask for accommodations in a round about way, never really understanding how to explain it...so it would be awkward and I wouldn't know how to answer her...she responded by telling me I lacked confidence and worried too much.  Instead of LISTENING to me.  Asking questions, doing ANYTHING a good manager should do.  But I understood she wasn't meant to be a manager, she sucked at it, and she knew it too.  (Drama) They weren't trained.  They didn't understand, and didn't have time for it. I understood that...that had been my entire life, I understood how to get into other people's brains and understand their patterns well enough to be able to predict their behavior.  I've had to, because I was being abused. I learned how to be hypervigilant.  But when I say "abused" I understand *everyone* will interpret that through their own lived experience of their definition of that word.  And they'll misunderstand and never ask, "what do you mean by that"

There were so many things I couldn't explain, I didn't have the vocabulary for..why I couldn't explain to Catherine...I couldn't understand what she couldn't understand was SO OBVIOUS to me I didn't understand why I needed to put it into words, I couldn't explain it, I already understood it, so I didn't...make words for it..which is why I have such a hard time with my resume, I just DO the thing, I don't know how to say the thing.  I never say ANYTHING out loud, I live in my head, with all my parts having conversations like I'm some friggin Jane...haha

But that's just how social isolation presents itself for me.  The documentary made it out like I'm some bitter, angry person who bristles...and I'm like, are you kidding? I'm going to turn INTO someone like that, and I panic, and I'm so desperately alone that it hurts...and no one understands...the new friend I made in the neighborhood, I thought she understood...but she actually has a social life, and friends, and plans, and can get a small group of people together...so it's starting to hurt to be around her, and also now she just sort of uses me for rides places, and I don't mind taking her at all, honest, because I didn't have a car and I was desperate for people to offer to give me rides places - but no one does...so it's fine, I'm so independent, I'll walk everywhere...alone...no matter what day or time...or temp. (Drama) sigh...

And so, I need to keep doing *this* to have it all make sense to me.  Because it's just been in my head for so long, no one ever cared to ask me to put it into words, so the message I got from everyone is...bad. Because if they really were my family, or loved me, or cared about me, they would have shown up.  They would have said "how can I help" But their actual responses just bounce around in my head that if they ever would talk to me again I would probably have something angry to say at them...it's been SEVEN MONTHS....I just want to scream and rage and grieve but there's SO MUCH...but I'm kicking *.  It makes me mad, and then the mad processes all of the bits that are valid.  It's just...it happens faster than I can type, and it's so easier (much) to talk than it is to type, so sometimes I leave myself voice memos, but it takes SOOO long to transcribe what I say to myself...I still haven't caught up to from the last round of transcriptions, not to mention email drafts to myself...it's so annoying having only myself to talk to. 

My work kept me so socially isolated, I lost the few friends I did have...which wasn't true...what was true is I was so busy I just didn't have time to notice they never talked to me, I assumed they were as busy as I was (and in most cases, I was right, I know we were ALL burnt out) but they still prioritized other people..and rarely talked to me, and only really talked to me when *I* called (Drama?) but I had to make sure I made it all about THEM, because people kept telling me a sign of maturity is to be interested in OTHER people, and stop focusing on MY problems, be curious, be empathetic, be compassionate...right? But when is it my turn? (Yes, Drama) The irony...I'm exhausted, I mean, my hands are...I'll read this tomorrow (probably not, there's too much more that needs to come out) Ok, eventually...

The best part of my therapist, she can keep up with the conversation with all my parts.  I think she's kinda impressed I can do it naturally, and I'm also aware of all of them, because most people are stuck in the "not being aware of self" consciousness, which makes me harder to work with maybe? I don't know...I just feel like my Motivational Monday emails were just regurgitating CBT mantras, and everyone loved them. 

It's like I can see behind the curtain, and I understand what's going on...like Tessa did to me, except I decided to be an empath and she decided to be a sociopath...like my brother. 

Which leads me to think of the stuff that came up in my therapy homework, but really...hands tired, and feet have fallen asleep.  SPD is in full swing and I just need to lay down :(

I need to time these...tomorrow is another therapy day.

Some things I realized last night when it comes to reading your journals (returning the favor, as it were).  Perhaps you all can weigh in and help me?

I appreciate the feedback in understanding it's acceptable to respond to your hugs with my own at a beginning of an entry, only sometimes I'm in the middle of processing and I tend to maybe post a number of entries one after the other until I work my way through whatever I'm working on. 

Sometimes, I can't verbalize what your messages mean to me, and often I feel like people are misinterpreting what I'm saying, and then I need to overexplain, so I tend to say nothing until I can come up with what I mean.

Sometimes, I am intimidated by going to your journals, because I am not clear on where to start, and if I should go back to the beginning and read through some of your experiences, or go back a week, and then I just feel overwhelmed and not sure if I can even say anything helpful or useful, because I'm still working out how to be helpful or useful to me, and I don't want to say or do the wrong thing, so it makes me say and do nothing, but then I feel like I'm take take taking without giving, so maybe you all can invite me to a starting entry?  Or explain how you all navigate others journals?  Unsure...I thought it clearer last night, but I had been typing for so long I needed to lay down and now I can't remember how I thought it.  I just know I want to be more understanding of other people's journeys, as I keep on asking people to be understanding of mine. 

Just not clear on how to do that right now, but want to be mindful and respectful of boundaries...thanks.

Voice memo July 3rd 2022

It's like my brain is trying to follow a train of thought but it hits a wall and it doesn't know what to do and it doesn't know how to keep going so it figures, ok, let's loop around and try again and see if you can get a little further. So my brain puzzles with these things I don't know how to put into words, over and over again, each time getting a little closer to figuring out what I'm trying to say.   But, sometimes that takes weeks, and that's what I mean when I say my thoughts spiral, because I literally can't figure out how to put them into words and writing an email sometimes takes 4 hours because I can't figure out how to express what I'm feeling verbally.  What I need is connection with other human beings, I have this desperate need to have somebody that will allow me to try to explain what I'm trying to say and they can help me put it into words.  Kinda like playing that game passcode (or whatever) when people are allowed to say everything except that one word, half the time, my brain is trying to figure out what a word is.  It's like I need the opposite of a dictionary, I want to give somebody the lengthy explanation and have them tell me what the word is, and every time I try to explain this to somebody, it comes out like I have ADHD and I can't focus, or I have "spiraling, out of control thoughts" or I'm "depressed" because my brain literally shuts down because I'm so overstimulated at trying to deal with too many things going on at once I don't have the words for, and when I try to explain that aspect of it, people tell me I'm autistic.  I don't even know what's right anymore and why would I when I've been gaslit nearly my entire life – I don't trust my own thoughts because I was made to feel crazy, and I know I'm not crazy, I know I have trauma I need to heal from, I know I have grief over the loss of the life I never got to live because I've wasted too many of my years being trapped in a traumatic experience – a never-ending traumatic experience where I can't seem to catch a break and if I say that I'm angry about that, then people tell me I have anger management issues, and I just can't get out of being labeled long enough for people to actually hear me, and it's extremely frustrating. 

Because I started that thought in my head, I can't remember what the beginning of it was, so I tend to always have to start in the middle and then loop around, because linear order tends to be really difficult for me, mostly because of my short term memory.  I try to remember things, and I just can't seem to keep them in my head, as soon as someone introduces themselves to me and says their name, my brain can't latch onto it, even if I try repeating it, even if I say their name a bunch of times out loud.  Even people I've known for years, I literally will blank out of what their name is, I'm afraid to introduce people to other people because I'm not sure what their names are, and if I ask them what their names are they usually say, "but you've met me already" and then I feel shame.  So I don't say anything, so I stop talking to people because I don't know what to say and I'm super awkward about so many things that I don't have the social skills because I can't get out of my own anxiety and I can't get out of my own anxiety because the practice that I need is contingent on having positive experiences and my positive experiences are few and far between that I'm desperate for them, that I need to have some sort of interaction with another human being that helps me feel seen and heard and I don't have that and when I ask for it, people tell me that I need to go to a therapist and I'm not getting it from my therapist, so I don't understand what I'm paying for, because I don't feel that I should have to argue so much just to be heard the first time so it doesn't trigger me feeling like I'm not being heard and that's my biggest trauma is not being heard, so when I'm not being heard by the person that is supposed to be giving me treatment, I don't know what to do so I shut down. 

I definitely relate to so much of what you are writing...memory issues, feeling shame about not remembering people so isolating, feeling the need to get it all out, etc.

It's a lot of stuff we have dealt with for so long and it all piled up and we want to deal with it all right now. Unfortunately our brains (and even the brains of our therapists) can only deal with one piece at a time.

I dont know what will work for you in your work in therapy. For me, I had to start with a small insignificant easy little chunk and put everything else on the back burner and slowly work through the low hanging fruit first. Trust me it was extremely frustrating to be talking about managing task related things like overwhelm during chores while there were these big bad traumas waiting  for attention. It felt so wrong.

For me it turned out to be the right approach because I built skills and tolerance for easier things first and little successes boosted my confidence and my trust in my therapist. And ultimately everything does link back to trauma anyway, so I was always working on trauma even when it felt like I wasn't.

I hope this doesn't come across as preachy or anything, I'm just intending to share what the early days of dealing with the traumas was like for me. And that I am happy with how it worked out in the end and feel good about the process we used. I wasn't ready for the hard stuff for several years. My window of tolerance was just a slit, and really insufficient for processing trauma. But this slow work built it up wide enough that now I can deal with the hardest stuff.

I was really happy to read that you came to some new insights during your last therapy session. Those little successes help me to keep going so I hope it also gives you a boost.

With regard to reading and responding to others' journals we all felt the same way coming in new to the forum so what you are feeling and wondering is very very normal. You are certainly welcome to go back to the very beginning of people's journals if you really want to, but that's a lot of work and time. I think it's OK to not respond to others journals or to just respond based on the latest entry and what they are dealing with right now, without knowing that person's backstory.

All to say, it's up to you. There is no pressure here to do anything aside from taking care of you and being respectful and kind to others, knowing we are all in the same boat managing triggers, overwhelm, and lifelong trauma.

I really want to vent about something that's bothering me.  But I don't, because I don't want to seem ungrateful.  And I don't know why things bother me so much (maybe because every time I try to vent, people tell me I'm complaining and I sound like a victim? = feeling invalidated) So I want to say it again and again and I don't know why I can't just let it go.  Maybe because I keep preventing the parts voices from being heard, they just repeat themselves louder and louder again until we are heard.  And it never works, but we don't know what else to do because we're all of us invisible.  Voiceless.  And I read on LinkedIn how many other disability voices are silenced, but everyone...I don't hold the monopoly on being marginalized, I understand that, but what they can't understand is I've NEVER felt like I had a voice, so all I do is yell...like my mom.  I didn't have a model for anything different, and when I explained that to D he started becoming cruel.  And I didn't have anyone I could tell, and I didn't have anyone who validated me.  So I mirrored what I saw and assumed that was ok.  I never knew anything different, and that is what I can't get people to understand, why CBT doesn't work, because it's meaningless if you've never HAD that experience, all of my being told I'm an "introvert" is because I'm alone SO MUCH of the time that when I'm finally around other people, there's just so much sensory processing to take in.  And I can't really hear what people are saying, so I'm always saying "what?" it takes me a minute to process - but I'm not used to conversation in real time and I'm not sure how they work...not like I'm autistic, but because I literally don't know how to have a successful conversation with anyone, and feel like I have to do all of the work. No one asks me anything about myself, or I'm terrified that if they do I'm going to say something that makes things awkward, all I know how to do right now is process my trauma and panic about keeping the voices quiet when other people are around, but it doesn't work if I let down my guard, but how can I not when they all want to be heard so much? Only...that's Drama, who needs to say things so I understand what she's been trying to say. 

Which is what I told D, over and over.  You NEED to acknowledge what I'm saying, because I say it again and again and again and louder until you pay attention, so he ignored me.  Purposefully and intentionally over and over again until I hurt myself to make it stop. 

And Drama needs to tell that story.  My Crazy needs to scream about what's wrong over and over again until someone sees...As soon as you attend, repeat back to me what I'm saying to you - or I'm going to loop, I'm going to be stuck in the loop where things get worse and worse and worse because I feel like I'm drowning when you ignore me.  Why can't you see me, why can't you hear me, all the nightmares I had for years of her just...not...noticing ME.  And so the story I told myself was that it was because I was a disappointment.  But I never *tried* to be what she wanted, I was just disappointed she couldn't see me.  Love me for who I actually was, that I just became whatever anyone wanted me to be without becoming a person. I just did what everyone told me because no one ever told me I could think for myself, because I never knew what to do.  There are so many things I just can't figure out, part of the issue is there are just things I don't have the aptitude for, and it pisses me off when people say that's "learned helplessness"

Armee, thank you so much, I will give you a more thought out response when I am not in the middle of processing other stuff, but your words mean a lot to me and are appreciated.


I decided to switch gears and focus on me, and the things I have wanted to get done.  Part of that is listening to videos, presentations and the like and try to better understand, but not just to passively listen, but to take notes.  And as we (my parts) all listen to these things, we have thoughts, and mostly recognize that we try to fit our lived experience into the scenarios suggested, but they don't quite fit, and that leads us to doubt our experiences...so I want to disregard what I'm hearing instead of listening and then reframing it so it DOES benefit me. Which means I wasted an hour that I was passively listening and not taking notes, because I already take too many notes and then copy/paste notes from one place to another, and then transcribe them to different journals and I feel like I'm just making busy work for myself instead of focusing on what's important?  So I'm on the fence.  But I'll give it another try...

Healing the Inner Child: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Strategies to Address Trauma and Abandonment

...if the child doesn't act the way the  caregiver wants the caregiver may storm out of the house or emotionally withdraw and give the child the cold shoulder and not talk to them for two or three days years.

My therapist already has themes we are working on, so I don't want to "waste time" cataloguing all the different ways I feel shame, embarrassment, self-conscious, abandonment, etc.

There's a recurring theme, that any time something is important to me, I don't get to do it.  The hot sauce festival keeps coming to mind. I keep thinking, what if K texts me out of the blue and says we are going, do I go and not mention the fact how crushed I am he hasn't even spoken to me in 7 months? My mom used to say stuff like, "cut off your nose to spite your face".  Or that I just want to wallow and sit home for attention, rather than go out when given the opportunity, but the fact is, he's not calling, he's NOT saying, "hey, I didn't forget, I knew this was important to you" the fact that no one is, and no one does is what I grieve.  And I read today about spiritual bypassing and realized that's what I've been doing, so good for me.

Caregivers are responsible for helping children learn how to identify and modulate their feelings and cope with life on life's terms. We're not born with those skills and when a child comes to a caregiver and expresses their emotions and the caregiver belittles it and tells them that they're  overreacting or ignores them or makes fun of them then the child not only feels self-conscious and ashamed of their feelings but they also still don't know how to deal with these overwhelming feelings they're having.

You may have picked up those behaviors because those were the only ones you were taught, now you can learn other behaviors but it's important to recognize which default patterns you have that you learned from your family of origin.

...they didn't validate your feelings, they didn't help you figure out what do I do with this swirling ball of emotion? - you are probably left feeling very unsafe and emotionally abandoned. The question is what would you rather them have done? Envision them responding appropriately and this will give you clues about how you need to respond to yourself now (reparenting).

Which my dad tried to do once, my mom never did.

...they may have had to take on the role of the parent as well as the child because the parent was not meeting their emotional needs. The parent was not meeting their needs for love so they had to take on both relationships just to try to survive, because they were basically living in isolation even though they were living in a house with other people.

The next part of the video brings up something I disagree with, that if they used to interact in a particular way with their primary caregiver they may take that way of interacting and project it on their significant other - but I just go back to what I said earlier, "picked up those behaviors because those were the only ones you were taught" I literally don't understand what other choice there is to make how to do things outside of my own experience.  It's all just learned behavior.  I ask for help ALL THE TIME - show me how to do this, model this behavior for me, let me understand by watching you so I can mirror your behavior, but when I do, it comes out wrong.  And I get eliminated, again.  :hug:

...if the child never experienced security, unconditional love, validation, acceptance, then yeah, they're probably going to have difficulty looking at themselves and going, "I'm all that & a bag of chips and who wouldn't want to be with me?" They may have difficulty with emotional regulation - we are not born with that skill. In order to regulate our emotions we have to

1.Be able to define them, identify them, when we feel them

2. Be able to down regulate to get out of that default fight or flight mode and

3. Be able to develop skills or have skills to deal with  those situations once we're in our wise mind.

A four-year-old doesn't have that, we learn that by interacting with our parents. We learn that when we are at the playground and somebody's mean to us and we run to our caregiver and they help us calm down and help us figure out what to do, you know that is part of that secure relationship that is part of that learning process.

...when the child notices stimuli that are similar to or reminiscent of prior threatening experiences it triggers that fight or fleafawning response again and the person starts reacting in their emotional mind based on that old schema - it's the brain's way of going, "I've been here before I know what to do."

Here's the part that bothers me again:

Many people with a wounded inner child have very similar core issues -
1. they need to be in control I do not, but any time I ask for autonomy, or can something be done the way I ask it please, I am told I'm "too controlling and I just have to let it go"

So here's a story - after a year of asking, I finally convinced K to come over with A and help me with some things around the house that was making me embarrassed to have people over, so they came and did some things on my list.  One of the things is hanging a tapestry behind my bed.  People think, EA, why can't you just do that yourself? Why are you so dependent? Why can't you just hire someone if you need help? Etc. Right? So they are here and they are doing the thing and AS we are hanging it, I keep repeating, NOW do you see why I couldn't do these things myself???  But they hung the tapestry WRONG, and I told them, it's vertical, I needed it horizontal, and K is trying to convince me why the way it is is better (AKA I don't want to put in the energy to fix this mistake, learn to live with this) so I let it go, but every day it bothers me that it's hung sideways, and I'm too short to fix it myself, and I literally have no one else to ask, because all my friends live inside my computer now.  Sigh.  But I guess that's me, being "too controlling".  Add that to the list of labels we like to get called /sarcasm

Inability to trust If anything, I'm too trusting. Every time I make a friend I trust they aren't going to hurt me, they aren't going to abandon me.  I trust people when they say, "you are family" and "this is a safe space" and "this woman is going to advocate for you" and "of course we are friends!" Maybe if I stopped trusting people it would hurt less and I wouldn't have all this loss to grieve?

over responsibility and perfectionism People tell me I'm too hard on myself.  I make mistakes all the time.  I am not perfect, but I am hypervigilant because I know what happens when you slip up one time.  The friend stops speaking to you because you ask if she can just have a verbal conversation instead of long walls of text I can't process.  You get your job eliminated. You become invisible.  I can't afford NOT to be hard on myself, I have no discipline, I can't get anything done and there's no one to hold me accountable anyway, and now I can finally rest and heal.

High tolerance for inappropriate behavior, sometimes called enabling Um, no - not to my knowledge do I enable people. I mean, do I look the other way when they make life choices I don't particularly agree with?  It's not my circus, not my monkeys.  Do I refrain from pointing out when they are inconsistent with their word and deed? Who isn't? Most everyone lies to themselves, I don't think it's enabling to point out things people should be aware of, thinking if you know better, you should do better - but that's not enabling.

Neglecting their own needs - yes. I have no idea how to have autonomy or have my boundaries respected, or how to speak up for myself without everything going completely and horribly bad.  I HAVE to put everyone else's needs first or I lose them.  As soon as I have a need, and I ask for it, that person doesn't want to be my friend.  It's better for everyone not to have needs.

I get frustrated and defensive when the suggestions stop and no one ever gets to MY lived experience and then I feel unheard and invisible. All the voices of "you probably have these, you just aren't self aware" "you need to work on yourself more" "you aren't trying hard enough" "you're too hard on yourself" "stop being so negative"

other core issues are the direct result of feeling unsafe and that can be fear of abandonment (I don't have fear of abandonment, I just have actual abandonment) low self-esteem (how do you develop self esteem if everyone has rejected and abandoned you your whole life?) grief (yep, got that one!) emotion dysregulation (pretty sure my emotions are super valid) and depression and anxiety (nope, but thanks for playing!)

LOL @ fear of abandonment, that's right up there with "self" isolating. 

Help your inner child feel validated and safe and  notice the word I keep saying first is validated,
even if that's not happening because you see the pattern and trying to deny what you are seeing is happening is that pesky thing called "hope". that's how the child feels (because the child is super observant and understands how to see what no one else notices) so it's important to validate that. 

The first step in healing is creating safety. We cannot begin to explore those wounds until we feel safe. Which means you're going to have to feel safe with yourself that you if you feel a feeling, if that inner child starts coming out and saying I'm anxious or I'm angry, it's not going to get invalidated by adult you.

V - validate - you're feeling anxious right now

I - intimacy - help me understand why you're feeling this way

S - safety and boundaries it's important to create  safety for that child so when you start acting
in your adult self you're actually protecting that child (still gotta work on that one, me setting boundaries got me fired).

C - consistency and predictability is important
being consistently mindful of yourself not ignoring/ invalidating/ minimizing your inner child's feelings

E - encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy
part of a secure attachment helps children learn that it's safe to go out of that comfort zone and if you fail okay you fail come back we'll figure out how to pick yourself up and try again but it is safe to go out and try new things (is it really though?) The speaker goes on to say stuff that doesn't resonate, like "learning to make better choices" - I tried EVERY way I could think of to get out of the abusive situation I was in and keep my job...this whole "you are enough" @#$ how am I supposed to come up with an idea outside of my lived experience? How am I not supposed to be "hard on myself" when making one error causes me to lose everything....what choices do I have? Which riles me up and is the opposite of validating, you did the best you could to get us out of an abusive situation, and your hypervigilance and food insecurity saved us, now we are prepared to spend the next year + in utter survival mode with no support.  You didn't know what you didn't know and THAT IS OK. 

A - authenticity to feel feelings and grieve losses

L - love unconditional love helps enhance the self-esteem of you and your inner child

What would you rather do instead? Once you figure that out, envision yourself responding in that way.

make a personal bill of rights
you have the right to your feelings
you have the right to your thoughts 
you have the right to grieve what you did not have 
you have the right to have expected certain behaviors from your caregivers (and family and friends)

Armee

There's a sort of quiet comfort in knowing my thoughts are relatable to others. I appreciate you sharing what worked for you, there's comfort in that too - discovering what works. I'm glad you've experienced little successes as well  :) 

Appreciate you giving me some suggestions for reading other's journals...it just feels so daunting, especially when I'm unsure how someone else will interpret my words...but I'll give it a try soon :)

Thank you  :bighug:

You are enough.

Our most natural state of being is bliss. Strip everything away that pulls you down and disregard the conditioning instilled in you from an early age. What you are left with is your most pure, beautiful self.

We are all born into this world that fully supports us and wants the best for us.

Our only real limit is ourselves. Over time, we build walls for ourselves and it takes a little work to push down what we have built, but the work must be done in order to live a limitless life.

Likes attract like; the law of attraction applies to everything. When we align ourselves, align our thoughts with our natural state (which is joy, love and abundance) it is pretty damn hard for the world not to give you just that.

I know it's challenging at times, especially when you are going through something tough and you might not be where you want to be. But trust, and know you are exactly where you are meant to be. If you can stop focusing on the lack in your life and switch your focus to the good, those limits you set for yourself will start to dissolve.

When we mirror what we desire, by thinking, feeling and believing that what we want is already ours, alignment begins and energy shifts. Things fall into place. Joy and inspiration explodes out of you, and life can come with ease.

Some Grief...

While I'm leaning closer to focusing more on the window that is open than the door that is closed, I still keep looking at the door that is closed because we need validation, in saying what IS, instead of focusing on the gratitude...because maybe in naming what is, I can learn how to accept it.

My friend K - occasionally, we (separately) watch an episode of a tv show once a week, and maybe we will text each other a thought or two during the episode.  We catch up by text, with primarily me initiating it, and occasionally we talk on the phone because she is the closest thing I have to a "mom". 

C - I say is my best friend. She's my other half.  We share a brain.  Our texts are limited to me texting her the time and temperature.  Which is the only thing I do on my phone.  I watch the weather app.  Sometimes I set timers.  I definitely don't "doomscroll" - that's what my laptop is for, and I use YouTube Shorts as a distraction.  I recognize it as a distraction and I allow myself that. 

A - has honestly shown up for me consistently, but she is also trauma informed and truly understands how to hold space for people, she's taught me a lot and really been there for me. 

C, J, S...see, my brain doesn't only want to focus on the negative - it wants facts.  These are facts too and I'm so happy for them, and for this forum, but back to grieving, lol

K - I didn't recognize how often I was just...there and not really - I kept giving you the excuse that you were dealing with your own things, and I really honestly thought some time just the two of us would be so good for us both, but you haven't talked to me in 7 months and that hurt.  In thinking about our friendship, I honestly think it never got back to what it was before A pulled that @#% she did...it broke our family apart, and I was just living the illusion that I was still part of the family...because you were my only family here. 

N - I thought you included me in your family, but you didn't, not really, not when it comes down to it.  I tried but you are just the queen of grand gestures, not showing up for me when I needed, and asked for help.

R - you're just a liar.  You too M. and N. 

R - I think you are too focused on your own recovery that you don't have the space for me but also you maybe feel some sort of way in telling me she'd advocate for me and I could trust her...or maybe you side with her and now the extent of our friendship is that I have Apple TV.  The last thing you said to me when I told you how isolated I was (not felt) was "I can't even imagine". 

J - you stopped talking to me 3 years ago and I still don't know why.  Thanks for the Netflix while it lasted. I'm neither friend nor family. 

R & G & L & E - I had hope and you took it from me. Hope died in the winter and has been replaced by squirrels and flowers.  Hope is like watching a movie you've seen before and hoping for a different ending.  You know it's coming, you just hold on to...wait, not yet...I'm not ready...but then it happens. Thank you for letting me know where to stop wasting my energy.   

E said I am a light in an otherwise dim company.  And I'm reading this little story about a light who can only appreciate being a light by being surrounded by dark. 

in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It is a great gift, because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then. And so, when you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness, and don't be mad about it. Then you will know Who You Really Are, and all others will know, too. Let your Light shine so that everyone will know how special you are!

I'm broken, I'm bruised, I still have a light in me that isn't appreciated by many.  People tend to fear the unfamiliar.  So my life has been harder, just like this little light. 

I just watched a youtube video that started making my chest feel tight and my throat close up.  I just had to stop.  I tried leaning into it, but it was agitating me so I closed it.  I made it maybe 5 minutes into a 17 minute video...the first few minutes because it was just the promotional aspect of any influencer (I glaze over during those parts, and have trouble noticing when the content gets relevant).  The topic was The Dismissive Avoidant's Idea of a Healthy Relationship - with the implication that D was the dismissive avoidant, and I was "trying to learn his attachment style so I could adapt my own to his".  So I'm listening, and it's literally everything I asked him for, the way I asked him for it.  So I started reframing it and saying, ok, think of it as a check list, you are the dismissive avoidant.  She says, "this is what makes the DA feel  good and healthy and connected....1. attunement.  2. validate and be supportive of their interests 3. Don't be dismissive 4. Make them feel understood without criticizing them. 5. Give them autonomy 6. Doing their part to help out around the house 7. Be interested in their lives

She goes on to say, "Show you care to show up for them in their life and that you understand some of their needs and hold space for them, specifically as it relates to autonomy" And this is where I start to feel what prompted me to write this down...because the next bit is where I cut it off and I'm so glad I did.  She says, "they are great partners when you are clearly and explicitly stating your needs consistently. This doesn't mean once, this means over time you keep telling them specifically what it is that you're needing and over time these individuals...OVER TIME? Try 6 years!

I'm thankful for this video, because it taught me what I needed to do to fawn correctly to keep him pacified enough while I still needed to live with him...All the C-PTSD talks about the stuff you had to do when you were a child, because you were dependent on your caregiver...there is no "but now you're an adult and can think with your wise mind" for me...it was the same survival mode I needed to get away from D and the same thing I was doing at work for the past 3 years to put up with L...this is literally the first time in my life I am completely abuse free.  Since I was 8.  I do not know what thriving is.  I need to experience it and I can't settle for another job that I just need to survive, because I need to survive.  I can't even think about work right now.  I'm not in a place where I should be going back to work, I need to go through this first, and it sucks and it's * that I need to do it in isolation, because it reverts me to the parts that have also been in isolation, so they are layered over what I would otherwise be appreciating more fully.  Which is frustrating, but I'm low on spoons today, so what better use of my time?

M was not the friend I needed her to be.  When she had a themed party, she told me I could wear whatever I wanted.  I didn't understand the assignment, and if she was a good friend, she would have explained the assignment to me instead of encouraging me to be authentically me, she could have attuned to my need to belong.  That's why I wore the E when she was wearing the W so we'd match and I could belong, except I didn't.  And you furthered it by triggering my body dysmorphia constantly.  Not validating it or me. Not really seeing me.  Seeing what you wanted to see, and definitely not showing up when I needed you to.  I really don't like being condescended to and I really don't like being used for pet sitting services.  I needed belonging and I needed more open communication, but you have your own issues you need to work through and don't have the capacity for me, so I don't need to waste my energy on you.  I can still grieve that I lost someone that could explain things to me in a way that made sense so I could get unstuck faster, but I didn't thrive around you.  You were too busy giving me your interpretation of what I was asking for. 

i hope it's helping you to get this all out here, EA.  one of the things that bothered me the most was your tapestry being hung incorrectly.  i felt myself squinch up thinking of you having to look at it alike that every day.  love and hugs :hug:

After D, I "dated" a guy for about a year...which sounds like a lot, but in reality I only saw him 6 times.  In thinking about him I learned a lot about myself, and this is what I said about me during our introductory texts...

I'm a work in progress at best...

I tend to be organized in some aspects of my life, but I also tend to get overwhelmed easily.  I'm learning to be kinder to myself because I realize that I can't compare myself to others expectations of my capacity and I just need to accept the pace I am able to work at.  I've had cognitive disabilities since childhood, and have always implemented modifications for myself.  It's only recently I've had better self awareness of my limitations and been able to forgive myself for not doing "more" I spend oodles of time on YouTube and being lazy, then berating myself for not being more disciplined.  It's all perspective ;)

I wouldn't describe myself as social, as in I'm incredibly shy and don't really know how to talk to people about superficial bs.  At a party, I end up finding a dog or a kid to interact with as I'm more comfortable with them.  Most conversations are about sports (don't watch) news (don't want to get into a debate) tv shows or movies I don't watch/haven't seen, games I haven't played, places I haven't been, people I don't know.  At the best parties, I've found like minded people that make me feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about things that are interesting to me, most likely people that have social anxiety and don't like being in the middle of a party, so we're off in a quiet side room having an authentic conversation...if that makes sense.  I get overstimulated when there's too many people, too much noise, too much drinking...etc. In the past, I would just tolerate it and then be completely emotionally/physically drained, and wake up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover (even though I don't drink).  With the self-work I've been doing for the past few months, I realize I can totally just tell someone, or step outside and get some air, or whatever it is I need and no one that matters would judge me for it, but it is a long overdue thing I've only just started to realize.

In reading this now, I see I was just told I was shy my entire life, but really I don't know how to have a conversation with a person I have nothing in common with.  I don't know how to FIND things in common with people that frankly, do not invest any interest in getting to know me...and I keep blaming myself for it.  Letting people label me as shy because they are too self involved and lack compassion

This part is funny, because it was at the start of my last healing journey, whatever year my dad died (linear time, ha!) but it might as well have been written today...because I have literally been saying the same thing for years...

In this pandemic I didn't crave social interaction "in person" I just needed someone to talk to.  Not having anyone to talk to caused my thoughts to spiral out of control without having a sounding board to verify, "is my reaction to this situation valid or am I overreacting?" I'd read articles and reach out, but there was a period of time where everyone was so busy with their own problems no one really replied to me and I got really depressed/anxious.  I realized afterwards that the pandemic had triggered my PTSD and if I had someone outside of myself to point it out to me (I wasn't consciously aware)...but whatever, I became aware and now I'm doing everything I can not only to get it under control, but actually heal from it...still get triggered occasionally, it's hard not to with some new drama happening almost every day. #irony

when I was 8 I basically took on an adult role in the house and cared for myself and others the best I could, and I never really stopped playing that role.  When I went to college, I picked a college in proximity of my grandfather so I could care for him while also in school (and working 3 jobs to pay for said college) because he had Alzheimer's.  I didn't have time to develop social skills or do the typical things that people did because I was caregiver and needed to "adult".  I use quotes too much.  It's more that I want to emphasize those words in text, because tone is hard to read. I became a teacher after college and for 8 years had to "dumb down" everything I said to be on a child's level.  I think that was the point I struggled to have adult conversations, because I didn't, for years...I worked, and went home, and maybe chatted with people online, but didn't have a social life. If I wasn't at work, I was working on work - lesson plans, creating manipulatives, grading papers, etc. It took over my entire life and I got burnt out. I gave up teaching and entered the fresh ring of * that led me to here. 

Years ago when I initially made friends online and then eventually met them in real life, so many were surprised that I was "just like I was online" and I was confused, like of course I am, what did you expect? And they'd say a lot of people pretend to be a certain way online and then you meet them in person and...well

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 09, 2023, 05:19:35 AMi hope it's helping you to get this all out here, EA.  one of the things that bothered me the most was your tapestry being hung incorrectly.  i felt myself squinch up thinking of you having to look at it alike that every day.  love and hugs :hug:

LOL it is, thank you.  I can't move forward in my job search from a place of fear, so to get out all the things I've been afraid to say, and all the other emotions going on is really helpful.  Appreciate you understanding how frustrating my limitations are in not being able to fix the tapestry myself, LOL.  Fortunately, it's behind me, so I rarely if ever look at it, other than when I initially walk into the room.  Still...to have it hung correctly would be really nice...eventually I'll make a friend who is taller than me and can come over and help :)

I've got all these YouTube videos saved, so I decided I really need to just devote a chunk of time every day to go through them.  Today's video is about relationships when you are an anxious avoidant, which I was told I was because, "anxious attachment style have a hyper sensitivity to being alone" um...yes.  That's called chronic isolation.  And all the "worrying" she is talking about comes across as insecurities, but in reality it's asking for a thing that is lacking...and of course it triggered a flood of emotions, most of which I was able to capture in one place or another. 

The video says, "if he's really into you he'll do that all on his own and you don't have to ask him" which is kind of like the little game I play with myself, where I stop texting someone and see how long it takes them to text me.  Which is how I recognized that I initiate every interaction I have.  I was the one asking, "can we hang out, can we do something" I'm still doing that. Hey, let's put something on the calendar, I'd love to catch up!" But after doing it, 2....3....5? Times (over the course of months, btw) I finally give up asking and then wait and see if they text.  99% of the time, they didn't, and the story I'm telling myself is these people are not my friends, they are not "into me" or they would do it all on their own. 

Which makes me grieve A...who is coming over tomorrow.  He's been the one person who has consistently shown up for me, held space for me, bore witness for me...but he's ignoring everything I am asking him for, which means he's incapable of giving it.  And I am not sure what that means, so we're going to talk about it...and I'm not sure how that talk is going to go...but the pattern recognition is that we'll stop talking again...same as when he stopped talking to me the last time this pattern looped. 

The video she's basically talking about tone of voice.  If you are "secure" you can say, "where were you?" in a calm, curious manner, but if you're aggressive or anxious that will "drive your man away" LOL  But when watched through the filter of "I'm chronically isolated and was in a narcissistic abusive relationship" that change in perspective makes everything pointless.  Again, it puts all the effort on "her" to watch her tone, to be easy, breezy, fun...and doesn't focus enough on what the other person should be doing. 

Trigger Warning

Babies don't have the skills of self soothing. Self soothing is learned through receiving soothing from someone else, then you learn to do it for yourself. So they learned, well no one's gonna be there for me, so I can't depend on people.

I keep replaying scenarios the videos are mentioning against memories I have of my own lived experience and realized everyone was missing the point.  Filtering my reactions through their own lived experience and assumptions. 

________________________________________

I've mentioned in previous posts that I have a Cassandra Complex, or CC for short.  I always worry about "self-fulfilling prophesy", because I worry, if I say it out loud, will it come true? If I type it? If I think it? So I was just...you know, trying really hard not to think it, but knowing it was coming...and you don't know when, so you can't prepare for it.  I keep thinking back to the first time I had it BIG...not all the little ones, like answering people's questions they hadn't actually asked...The car accident one...the one that ended up with me going to jail.  It was...how do you stop it, what's the right decision to make? I can never figure it out, and then everyone says you overthink everything, you are too hard on yourself, but how can I not when I see something coming, and I know nothing I do or say or don't do or refrain from saying will stop or avert it.  Like knowing you're going to get into a car accident.  So you think, I just won't drive, I'll stay in the house.  You know from every accident you've been in, it's never your fault, it's always circumstances outside of your control, the OTHER driver, you can't control anyone but yourself, and there's no sense worrying about it, so you go out and you live your life, but the...like, it's just always there, so you focus on gratitude, and healing and know the pattern is waiting.  It's like a horror movie. 

I think this is what I must have felt at the event...that moment I realized my position was going to be eliminated.  Because I don't have panic attacks like everyone says...my heart doesn't race.  My breathing is shallow, but that's because I feel numb, like I'm under water, so I don't think to breathe...but to look at me...to the untrained eye...I probably look like I'm in shock.  People may assume I am dissociating.  It's just a numbness, where the thing I knew was going to happen happens and everything just slows down.  It's everything and nothing at the same time...and the only thing I know for sure if I don't have cognitive function in the sense if you asked me something right now, I would respond as I'm conditioned to, with no short term memory of the conversation after.  There's too much going on and my brain just can't...which is the story I tell myself, but obviously it's not true, because I'm typing my thoughts, which means I'm not capturing them correctly because I don't have the words.  So I'll just say the words....

The pattern is lose my job, get into a car accident, lose everyone you thought was your friend, lose your home.  And I mentioned the pattern to the girl I drive to the grocery store...yesterday.  That I can't control it, so I just hope every time I have to drive that this isn't the time that I get into a car accident.  I've done everything I can to keep me and my car safe, but...I wasn't even leaving the house today.  Someone hit my car while it was parked in front of my house.  And it's  not like I'm NOT focusing on the positive, that I can still open the door, it's still driveable, I can take it to be repaired tomorrow...It's not the end of the world I'm not catastrophizing, or panicking or even have the slightest bit of anxiety...it's the fact that I KNEW it was going to happen...I didn't insist, I didn't act in a certain way to bring it about even subconsciously...but what happens is my brain starts doing the what ifs? or the shoulds - you shouldn't have parked it in the front (well, last year almost to the date we parked on the side and got our catalytic converter stolen)...there's literally nothing I could have done or not to prevent this.  I wasn't even IN it.  Bad stuff happens.  On a daily basis...but knowing that and feeling it are two different things, and I realize, there's literally no one I can even call and talk to...because there's nothing to say but what I already said. 

It's the pattern recognition, I KNEW I was going to get into an accident, but I hoped that maybe if I just didn't drive it...but the universe looked down and laughed and said, "I'll show her!" haha  Hope is watching a documentary about Anne Frank and getting to the end and thinking....maybe this time she'll survive....you already know the ending. Hope is just something silly they tell you to hold on to.  Or maybe a thing other people have.  You know, the people with babies they tell to self sooth maybe. 

I've got the whole soothing thing down, it doesn't um...really do anything in the way of stopping people from hitting my car though, does it? 

I had a mini-rant in my head about the tapestry, lol.  The thing is, the thinking I do, the not figuring out a "successful" way of navigating that situation, I specifically said, "wait, we are hanging it the wrong way, we need to turn it around" and K said, It's fine the way it is, and the story under the story I heard is, I need to be thankful she convinced A to come with her to help me, he wouldn't have done it for me, he's only doing it for her (and that in itself is my trigger with him, combined with the fact he's one of the people I reached out to for help who completely dismissed my ask) and it's like, I have all these people I have to tolerate being in my life and I can never tell them exactly the way they make me feel, because that's passive aggressive....so if I were even to MENTION to K that it bothered me the tapestry is sideways and I really wish I could get it fixed, people would tell me that's being passive aggressive, but it's NOT, it literally bothers me that I couldn't get something done the way I wanted it done. And it's just heaped on there with all the other things I ask for, but the message I get, the story I hear is, "You are too needy, to be an adult you handle dealing with the car accident without telling anyone about it, because everyone else learns how to deal with their own * without running to all of their friends...this is why every time I talk to my friends I hear about all the things no one bothered to tell me...so why is it I always want to share my experiences with other humans?  Because I need validation?  Anyway, that wasn't even a thought I was stuck on, it was a split second and the only reason I shared was because sanmagic mentioned it, lol

So I looked up Cassandra Complex, because I wasn't sure if there was an actual story associated with the original Cassandra, and came across this:

Cassandra syndrome is a type of relationship trauma that some experts place in the category of complex PTSD. The symptoms of anxiety, anger, hypervigilance, and dissociation aren't the result of a singular traumatic event. Rather, they stem from an ongoing lack of intimacy and social connection, emotional deprivation, and a profoundly disharmonious relationship.

"By the time you get to the therapist, they're so distraught, and they're so stoic," said Margot Alexis, founder of the membership support group, Healing Cassandra.

The dynamic leaves many women feeling unheard, frequently viewed as hysterical. "Historically, women have often been labeled as 'histrionic'—exaggerating, over explaining their concerns, making a big deal out of something"

This article bothered me, but this one bit was curious...I'm going to leave it here, because I don't know what I think about it yet, but it brings up all the times I felt invisible, repeating myself over and over, getting louder and louder because I was being dismissed or misunderstood.  The time my sociopath brother acted all calm like I was the one who needed help, because I don't understand grey rock or disassociate...I have hysterical, why can't you see what he's doing, look, look...why am I the only one that sees?  That's not autism. 

EA, i looked up the CC, and it reminds me of when i go see a doc. ugh!  i hate that you've experienced it, too.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you sanmagic  :hug:  I tried reading other people's journals...but I'm...as one of my friends put so aptly today, I'm running triage right now, and my brain can only handle so much. 

HR woman who is investigating my "alleged" complaint about being retaliated against (she says alleged, even though my concern was my position was going to be eliminated, so she's investigating the validity of my fear...now that my position has been eliminated??) only confirmed she would meet with me today about an hour prior to meeting.  I had assumed I was just going to get out as much as I could in one hour, but she wants to continue following up.  My therapist was on the call, which will be helpful, because then I don't have to "fill her in" when I'm not consciously aware of what I even said during that hour. I mostly had taken notes because I knew what I wanted to get across, and I did to the best of my ability, only being triggered once at having to tell them...and get an EF in the telling, so of course that was fun...the thing is, I've been "practicing" every day anyway, of sitting in that feeling and just observing it and being ok with it, and trying to put into words what it feels like...and what it's not.  I have extremely valid responses to experiences, I do not have panic attacks, or anxiety, I am not depressed.  I am socially isolated, dealing with a traumatic incident....followed by, oh I don't know, 15 other traumatic things in the course of 3 years? But I still have to SAY the things to process the things...there was so much (is still so much) I am still just now understanding about what took place that it was important for me to say the things the way they needed to be said.

I knew what would happen once I started telling her and that's why I insisted I have my therapist present.  I just want to get it over with because it's not as if I have a job there to save anymore...but it's good to help me understand what happened and how so I don't end up working in the same sort of environment, because being treated like that is all I've even experienced.  I didn't know about psychological safety, and autonomy and setting boundaries, so I didn't know those were things I should have.  Once I asked for it, L said I was acting out.  She observed me having confidence and told my manager I had an attitude.  I started reading all these articles on workplace bullying and it was like reading my entire life.  I can't remember a time when I wasn't bullied.  THIS is why I have social anxiety, because I'm just waiting for people to be mean to me.  Not because I'm shy or have autism.  I get anxious when I literally can't think of anything to say because sometimes, the highlight of my day is getting a squirrel to come stand next to me and run up to my shoes and eat peanuts for a bit. 

Most people don't like squirrels, and can't understand...but it's a good childhood memory for me, and honestly, the squirrels pay attention to me more than any of the humans I walk past in my neighborhood.  I literally stopped masking - masking to me is making a pleasant, friendly, outward appearance...now I'm so convinced I'm invisible, I don't bother.  I listen to my music and I cry if I want and I sing if I need, and the most I will get from any neighbor is maybe 2.5 seconds worth of eye contact and a half smile if I say "Hello".  Now that I've stopped even doing that, these people walk right by me as if I were a fire hydrant.  So sorry if, at a social event, I stand awkwardly next to them and have no topic of conversation that invites them interacting with me in more than a monosyllabic fashion. 

I realize these people suck and I don't actually WANT to be friends with any of them. 

From 2020 - Trigger Warnings

The overlaying feeling is sadness. Sad at not having the traditions I've always wanted, sad to go back to the way things were before, even if for the most part I love my freedom, not having human interaction is really going to get to me.

Glad he is leaving, glad ...


Here it is, another productive day, another epiphany day another night when the thoughts and emotions come so fast and furious that I get distracted from the ability to journal about it.  So let me see how much I can break down.

It doesn't have to be in linear order, in fact it's better it doesn't since I can't think linearly anyway.

Which is funny because I just looped around completely, so let's see how much of it I can get out before the loop passes. 

There's two levels, at the same time I can see both of them.  My level  His. 

I'm singing Dido and they sound like I'm heartbroken, listening to "cheater" music, that I'm broken hearted over him sitting in the office hiding away sobbing pining over him, because I'm trying to convince myself that he was cheating on me and "that is why we broke up"

His version of the narrative: He was this hard pressed victim, seems to attract crazy women, first his ex-wife, and he put up with her for 10 years!  He put up with my multiple (redacted) for 6 years, and threatened if I dare "try that" again (meaning, using X to win an argument) he'll break up with me...he warned me, he could only take so much, that was his breaking point, he's so traumatized by it he turned to both women and men, just to have someone to talk to, because "she made me swear I wouldn't tell anyone we broke up because she was so ashamed of what she did".  His story.

My story...

He didn't start talking to these people until AFTER we "broke up"


See the looping helps me remember different parts of the story, so I pick up wherever I left off and eventually I'll loop back around...like the tines on a music box, you just have to wait for the loop, pick up where you left off then get it all down until the looping stops, then read it a few days later and make sense of it.  THAT is the journal, THAT is the breakthrough, that is what I need to be able to do more often, because getting my thoughts out IN WORDS is really hard for me.  I mis-say things, like when I said like instead of equivalent, and see exactly there, I prefer text because I blanked on that word and it would have derailed the entire story, but now I can just tab, look, ok, come back, keep going, less looping.  When I forget an actual word it makes my whole thought process fall apart like cars on the candle train...see? Candle train, and then I remember it's a story I have to get back to, but when I just "Say" it that way, it just sounds like I'm nuts (to me) but you just go with it, you don't let it phase you, you just laugh, even if you don't get it.  Now I (water makes me loop). don't know...don't know if you laugh out of nervousness or if it's more I think in pictures) because I do that too! and I love that we have that in common because that's just another way that you get me, and then I like, want to cry, because there's someone that gets me...and it loops back to THAT conversation, which I can't even remember if I typed or told...which is WHY I need to have more nights like this, because I don't want to be like this ...I am not saying I need to be at 100%, I'm not aiming for perfection (explain another time, because this is another derailment trap)

I'm recognizing the traps more and I'm able to stop it when I journal, when I journal it lets me get all my picture thoughts out into words in the order that I Need it to be in, like this, all...fractured? but that's the part I need to discuss...

I have to soothe to get back to the GOOD headspace, but I'm controlling it now, I did it tonight, I controlled it with the things from my break glass in case of emergency...yeah so close maybe...will drink water and music for a bit until calm.

I have two conversations at the same time and when I get to type them I can dissect them and put them in the right spots

and right now we're back to the concept of the two layers, because MY layer is, I can't wait for him to be gone (even the LYRICS!) so I can go pee when I want! and they sound like "omgs don't leave me" and I'm so cathartic crying over how * wonderful this feels that I'm so close to being FREE, being able to * heal from this !@$, being able to speak MY truth and have people believe me...but also be sad because I never had the tradition, and why couldn't he just get it? That if I say I need tradition to DO THE F-ING THING JHU LI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

looping are just really distractions that derail my train of thought. It's why I prefer journaling to talking to a tape.  I think in images, and it takes me a while to translate into words, like abstract thoughts.  Sometimes I'm never able to put my words into thoughts, and that's why I just sit and listen. and I crave being a part of the conversation, but he needed everything to be all about him, see there's that layer again (poor me, he was so domineering, I was so submissive, NOT what I mean.  how it's interpreted??  Ok what I need was the time to re-learn how to pick semantically the right word.

And what D would do was get me all worked up so I would just blurt out half formed thoughts. and I don't DO that anymore, and I lay it all out for him

I wanted spicy ramen, I told him I wanted it, I told him to write it down, he agreed, then he knocked I told him to write it down, I gave in and gave him what he needed, I even said, I understand you are needy right now, you do realize you're going to have to start doing these things for yourself

Am I being manipulative by seeing both truths, seeing both layers and knowing which one to tell to make them pick me. But then I always tell them MY wrong too, I want to figure out the truth, I'm not TRYING to start drama, or manipulate or trick, or...whatever the other word is, you can fill it in again when you loop back..

So now every time I want some spicy ramen I have to remind myself that I'm opening up to the question again, I sat him down and explained about the plastic, and his takeaway no matter how calmly I explained it was that I was purposely hiding it, I told him it's in a box, I told him I can't get to it, that was just two hours ago, why is he doing this? Why can't he stop threatening me? I need my boundaries respected, and he's too abusive/re-writing his narrative in real time. and that makes me really worry about him (is the manipulation) but also my way of getting to tell MY side like I'm the hard pressed putting up with his crazy while I supported him for a year and he sits in the bedroom, or outside this room after dark, and sharpens his knives or plays with his gun that he doesn't have a permit for. I have the photos, he either has one or wants me to think he has one he is amused at the fact that I'm completely nuts.  We just don't hear each others language and seeing other people's dynamic, going through therapy, having all those IMMEDIATE breakthroughs, starting neurofeedback, rewiring.  I think I've finally looped around?  I'd have to loop around again to see.

If he was gone I could make the ramen and not have to second guess if I'm doing it as a show (his rewrite) this is gaslighting. or because I really want them

I broke it down for him. I got hit in the head, I wasn't thinking, everything is just shoved, if there's anything I inadvertently have of yours I can't get it, I can't get the rice cooker, I can't get any of my things, this was ESTABLISHED, then suddenly, I'm hiding the plastic container from him, I sat him down, I said, I asked you in august-october then I got rid of them, I have mine, and put his in the drawer and got rid of the rest, too much clutter, he wouldn't help me sort them so I stopped sorting them, he's going to need to learn how to sort, I asked him all he wanted to do was put them on the washing machine so I just started tossing them in too. I don't even USE his I haven't for months, since OCTOBER why now? Don't have it, can't go back in time, like the boxes, like everything else he wants, and I say then you need to wait, I can't get it on your time, you need to wait until I have time, and he says ok, then immediately rewrites his narrative and says so you're really not going to get it for me? Fine, then LEAVE we're done, get out!

Just start with Have I given you any cause to mistrust me? Please know I want to talk to you about things, but I just can't yet...I am almost there, I've actually written a fair amount of it to be able to process it...basically in a nutshell, it's  not that I'm being guarded it's that I think in images, and sometimes it takes me a while to say something the way I'm ensured it's meaning is intended...

still looping hard, but I'm so tired and I don't know where the mouse is, I just want to relax.  This feels so good I don't want to have to keep stopping the good feeling to make sure I capture the words.  About D using his last equity card because I sat him down and explained this is what he wanted, so he can't keep having me explain things to him, I don't need to use my energy on it anymore, he's not my problem anymore.  He says he knows, but then he immediately knocks and doesn't respect my boundaries even though that's what I repeatedly verbally said.  With the whole restraining order of protection, by all means if you guys ever feel conflicted about who to invite, please invite him - I won't feel slighted, and honestly he needs the human interaction more than I do, he goes for long stretches of time living in his reframed narrative, he sometimes can't keep track of days, he admitted he goofed off at work and didn't make any effort and that's probably why he lost his job, but then immediately reframed it to "I'm just furloughed" so he hasn't looked for a job since his one initial conversation with a recruiter that never called him back, HE just plays video games, then tells me he's not played video games in weeks then tells J that he sits around and plays video games, whichever version of the narrative will most impress...now really dido.

If I didn't capture it, it'll loop around again


I want a relationship with someone who makes me want to be a better person, I put up with a lot for the sake of trying to be understanding of someone's flaws, someone's shortcomings, because god knows I have my own, but this, this is just abuse

His perception of me didn't match my perception of myself and the more he tried to fit me into the space he carved out for me the more I pushed against it, I didn't understand why he insisted on treating me a certain way, or dismissing my needs and desires.

Also from 2020

I lost my cool but was able to verbalize why, it's when I can't process/put into words the why that I start feeling...unsteady....I can't get my footing, I can't bite my tongue, I get defensive and upset and that's what he wants.  He wants me to feel defensive and upset so I'll tell all our friends how he wronged me, so he can justify that I'm delusional, thinking everyone is out to get me.  He was channeling my brother SO hard it scares me, I'm sitting here sobbing, and he took that from me, he took my power, my sense of safety, making me doubt, verbalizing all my past fears, because he's a bully, he's abusive, he's so manipulative and lies about everything.  Even just saying THAT when in reality ALL I have to be guilty of is suffering from trauma.

The thing is, I can say, D did XYZ and people can respond, what a d-, I can't believe it.  They are my friends, so they believe me unquestioningly. They aren't going to say, ok but WHY did he do that, did you do something to set him off? No, they are just going to unconditionally trust me at my word.  Here's the thing, HIS friends and family are going to do the same thing.  He is going to say, Living with EA has been like this: And use examples based on my triggered behaviors, like all the times he would intentionally cause my outbursts because he knew what buttons to push, and I didn't see it for what it was, because I was trying too hard to make the relationship work, I couldn't understand why I'd ask him to do something and he'd do the exact opposite, especially when we were in front of people, I would feel so humiliated, and he'd USE that, rubbing in how all our friends hate me, and I'll never have anyone etc. 

With a situation like how over the years we have ALL become friends, I don't expect you to a) listen to my rants about how he done me wrong, because I'm sure he's got similar rants of his own, and I don't want it to be where my friends don't know who to believe or feel stuck in the middle, especially in social situations where they are so afraid it's going to be awkward if we invite them both....so by all means, continue being friends with him if you choose, and by all means continue to invite him on occasions you feel his presence would add to the festivities. 

I see so much clearer now how he did the same thing with his ex-wife, and why she started distancing herself from mutual friends.  I do not wish to do that, but I do not want to have to interact with him any longer.  I will try not to get into specifics of the dynamics of our relationship or his behavior these past few months, just know that I feel as if I dodged a bullet, I am really working on myself and feeling really good about the direction my life is going in.  I want to be surrounded by people I love who support me, and I hope you would continue to be a part of that.  I cannot control his words, thoughts, deeds or actions, I know I want to be my authentic self and speak my truth, and have that truth respected and acknowledged.  I do not want my loved ones feel like they have to "pick sides".

There's still a disconnect between my head and body...letting him get me off balance scared, not being able to be "fake" with him, and wish him well like he was doing with me, which he'll use to further illustrate HIS belief and it's not like I CARE, but it took me until after I had looped to realize that's what should have done...I am not good at these games.  Also I keep ranting in my head about stuff he did, like I need to keep listing them out, journaling more, but I'm all over the place right now, I need to unpack, no I need to find the sage, no I need to clean, no I need to go to the store, no I need to get water and eat, no I need to shower, and then all of the emotions hit me but I do everything I know to do.

Yep, still 2020 With Trigger Warnings

I wasted 6 years with you and I cried, "but how come I have to go back to what I had before", except now, it's "wait, you mean I could go back to what I had before?"  Because now it's different, I'm different and I WANT this time, I was trying to get this time and I felt like you monopolized all of it, but that if we lived together I'd have all my time back because you'd be a part of it also, only you not only never encouraged me, you demotivated me. When I told you about THAT you'd just ignore me, my needs were never of any interest to you which made me think something was wrong with me and I needed to try HARDER. for years. 

Well, I guess this explains why I lost everything and now I'm sitting home alone - so I can focus on "going back to what I had before" - thanks Past Me!


All I would do is ask him in a variety of ways to make modifications to the things he was doing to trigger my PTSD, I'd illustrate, when you walk out on me, it triggers a fear of abandonment, if you need space TELL me, communicate with me, acknowledge me, tell me you need to calm down and we'll talk when we could both be rational but you NEVER would, you'd just calm down and come back like nothing happened and acting like nothing happened would just make me feel invisible over and over again, so I'd scream to not feel so invisible.  I TOLD you, but what I didn't realize is that to this day you just dismiss it, I'm just having a meltdown, I think everyone is out to get me, I embarrass him in front of our friends, how come I can't control myself, why do I have to be so hysterical?

2020

Emotionally Immature Parent - Someone who lacks the emotional development needed to recognize how they feel, be ok with it, and move on to parenting their child. 

They get hung up on their own experience and don't know how to be there for their child...similar to emotionally unavailable mothers (look that up).

Emotional Immaturity - walk through life blaming their situation on other people, rarely look inwardly, instead of assuming responsibility for how they feel, they expect others to see their point of view. They attempt to control others.

I struggle with this because when I hear it defined in this way, I can't help but think that I (resemble) that definition.  I do expect people to see my point of view, if someone's actions are negatively affecting me, I do attempt to get them to become aware of it and change.  I do blame situations on my circumstances, like losing my job, or my education, or the choices that were made without the resources necessary to make informed decisions, or the way my brain is wired now.  I'm not blaming, I'm just...acknowledging. How can I take responsibility for the pandemic?  I just get confused, and then in trying to clear up my confusion, if I try to talk to someone else about it, to make sense, they often misinterpret my poor choice of semantics and assume I'm being a victim.

Emotionally immature people are emotionally dependent. They seek to find reasons to justify their feelings and often are skilled at manipulating others. Rather than accept what is, emotionally dependent people tend to obsess about how to get others to think like them. They will resort to unhealthy behaviors to get their way, even if it cost them what was once a loving relationship.

Red Flags: Always blames others for things that upset them and fail to see their own role in it, always expects others to apologize.

D wouldn't do that though, he would always say I'm sorry about this...and I would say what I was sorry for, and we would agree to work at it (but no work would actually be done, just the promise of it).

**You were a parentified child - but I was :/

They are attention seeking - need you to shower them with affection and praise

Laundry list of things you've done wrong over the years - Mom

Don't have many close friendships: If they do, they don't last long

Super sensitive to any hurtful thing done to them, but are oblivious to how their actions affect others (D would accuse me of this, but would NEVER tell me something was bothering him, or like it wouldn't bother him and then suddenly it would, and then he'd just lash out and I'd feel as if it came out of nowhere, and I'd ask him to communicate with me, but nothing changed. I'd fall into the same traps over and over again).

Stuck in their own emotions: I was.  I was dealing with PTSD and Trauma are those overlapping?

I literally could not see outside my own pain. 

Figure out what you want from a relationship and what they are able to give you, grieve the loss of the relationship you want and accept the relationship they are able to give you.  Set up healthy boundaries.

Not having your emotional needs met as a child leaves us without a secure foundation to grow from. We can struggle to understand we are valued, or who we are, and could go unnoticed for years.

Those who have suffered from emotional neglect often don't even know it was happening, because this type of neglect isn't something we can easily see. Many parents who were emotionally neglectful give their children every material thing they need, and from the outside look like amazing parents. But if their child needs any emotional support or encouragement from them, they are nowhere to be found.

HOW TO RECOVER:

1. Start noticing/tracking your feelings: Print out feelings charts and track them each day. It may be hard at first, so start with the easier ones (often tired, sad, and worried are easier to begin with). It's normal for us to not know how we feel all the time, but give yourself the chance to listen to your body and acknowledge all that you may be feeling. I do know how I feel all the time. I have no problem expressing my feelings, it's the body sensations...like the "numbness" I feel at the realization the thing I knew was going to happen did happen and there's nothing I can do to stop it...what feeling is that? Resignation?  Hopelessness?  What does it matter if I can't accurately name it, it's not like anyone is asking.

2. Try describing the feeling word you selected without using that exact word (ex. I am feeling energized, excited, and bubbly - when describing happy) Yes, I try my best to describe accurately what is going on

3. Begin noticing your needs: What are the things you need physically to survive? How about things you need emotionally? When do they come up? Take your time thinking about these, and even pretend that someone you love had those needs to. What would you think about them then? I've been telling everyone what I need, they come up every day, every time I have something I need to ask someone else's help for, and they start to give it, and it's halfway there, but then it's not...and the awkward of me needing to give them a reminder, and knowing this is going to be another instance of not being able to get my needs met.  Good rule of thumb, unless I can do 100% of the things on my own, I'm not going to be able to get it done and I just need to learn to live without.


4. Self-Care! I know I talk about this a lot, but when it comes to healing from CEN self-care is our way of nurturing and caring for ourselves. Are there things you wished your parents had done for you? Let's make time to do those things for ourselves.  I've been reparenting myself to the best of my limited availability

5. Accept help and support from others: It can be hard to let people in when we weren't supported as a child, but we need other people in our lives who can help us through the tough times. Ensure these people are worth having around, and that they are trustworthy, and then slowly let them in. Sorry, couldn't hear that over all the laughter going on.

6. Set healthy boundaries: This is SO IMPORTANT! It's okay to say no! You don't have to do anything that you don't want to, and people will understand and respect you more because of it. cue more laughter

playing the victim -

asks for help but doesn't take your advice Yes, when ppl offer me advice that doesn't fit my situation and I don't take it, of course that means I'm a victim
everyone is out to get them D said that's how I acted
everything is out of their control Was being eliminated and getting into a car accident in my control?
1. something always bad happens to them - wants you to feel sorry for them - they are just trying to manipulate you Something bad IS always happening to me, I don't want people to feel bad, I want them to listen to me, but I guess that's just manipulation
2. blame others or external factors I'm not even going to dignify this with a response
3. they hold onto the past events - hold grudges, refuse to forgive Am I holding on to past events or processing trauma so I can heal from it?
4. they make excuses for why they can't move forward move forward to what exactly?
5. unhappy with the way things are, but don't work towards the goal I did everything I could think of to make friends, but I guess that's my fault too?
6. they don't trust you, everything stays at a standstill Pretty sure trust has to be earned, and I'm the most trusting gullible person around
7. draining to be around, you are supporting them but they are always negative and needs compassion That's right, I AM always negative and draining to be around
8. they're passive - don't do action when it's absolutely necessary Yes, I'm passive, because any time I take action it leads to more hurt
internalize events and lash out at others I do internalize events, but lash out at others?  Um, only when I say the same thing over and over and I feel invisible, is that lashing though?
9. insecure and unstable - constantly compares themselves to others I can't understand how to function, I am insecure, but again, does this make me a victim?
10. attract drama wherever they go -accuse other people of being in the wrong. I used to feel like I was a drama magnet, but now I'm invisible...so??

A lot of the stuff I read, or listen to, when I try to think "is this something my mother/father did? Is this something D did?" I feel, wait, this sounds like something I did.  Like the book my dad wanted me to read sounded so much like me it confused me, but is it that I am a narcissist, have narcissistic tendencies, or is this just learned behavior from having my parents as a model for my own actions, and something I can unlearn/relearn correctly - and if so, what is correct?

How we can heal - reparenting yourself - in order for us to be independent and feel safe doing so, you have to create that healthy foundation we never had. saying re-mothering or re-fathering statements every day, I love you, you are important, anything you wish you heard from your parent - it helps us begin to heal

Healthy boundaries and how to uphold them - make a list of things you are willing to do when you aren't angry or upset, and stick to that list. Not even sure what this means
 
See narcissist for who they are. They aren't able to show empathy, won't be able to be there for us - don't forget what they are like and fall into their traps again. Kinda hard not to fall into L's traps, but I guess now that I don't have a job, it's easy?

They don't care about you, they only care about themselves

Fear of being alone - make bad choices about the company they keep Not quite sure I make "bad" choices, I make the only choice that is available to me.  Talk to the people willing to talk to me or not have anyone to talk to.

The only souls with any realistic chance of ending up with the partner they deserve are those who have properly reconciled themselves to the prospect of never being with anyone at all.  Well good

--------------------------------

This was also in that old post:

narcissistic parent sees you as an extension of them - summer camp
jealous of my vacations
emotional blackmail - manipulative fear obligation and guilt - if you loved me, you'd do this "after all I've done for you"
neglect - never checked in to see how I was doing

Attachment is defined as: the emotional bond that is formed between objects in order to establish a sense of security and safety. And although attachment begins in infancy, the need for "attachment relationships" continues throughout our life, meaning that once we have a safe and secure attachment to our mother or primary caregiver, we will also seek out friends and other family members to support us and help us figure out who we are. Even if we are traumatized, having safe and secure attachment to many caregivers in our life can help us be more resilient and overcome the trauma more quickly.

That in a nutshell is why attachment is linked to trauma. When we are children and something scary happens, we run to the person or persons who can make us feel safe. Having that secure and healthy attachment to a caregiver gives us that safe place, but if we never had that connection, we don't know where to go to feel safe.

More stuff about D from 2020 - TRIGGER WARNINGS


We had a life where we combined everything and basically I'm saying our family and our relationship needs work but shouldn't be thrown away.  It's like he's willing himself to feel nothing for me. 

I thought if he'd be more open to hearing there's more options than just ending things when they got bad instead of working - relationships take work.  He needs to hear it from someone he'll listen to.  He thinks no one else ever fights. 

He misremembered the timeline - thinks we broke up in May. 

Abuse: Making me sleep on the floor while he watched tv every night with L. He's of the opinion that kicking me out after we watch one episode of a tv show less than one night a week is ok for him to watch multiple hours of tv with her every night because "we spend all day together" when I pointed out how little time we actually interact he glossed over it and again said we had spent all day together.  He says being around me too much makes him "twitchy" because he's not "there" yet.  I asked him to think about what he might need most from me to heal, but he said he didn't know.  I asked him to think over the past few weeks at how many bad days we had compared to may and june, he agreed there were very few bad days, but he may chalk it up to "our relationship didn't work but being friends does"

You need to understand that if the expectation that you're going to watch TV with her so I can plan accordingly - but when my plan is to watch tv together and you change the plan, it disrupts my expectations and triggers anxiety.

You said, "Honestly, I don't think he does it to hurt you. I think he's just a dur." And I think he uses that as an excuse to fall back on to paint the picture that he's such a swell guy, he's just got bad ADHD - the truth is, he was textbook abusive to me the last few months we were together, to the point I had to call the cops. 

You gave me the perspective I thought I needed at the time I was still trying to salvage a relationship I thought I had.  The thing is, the healthier I got, the more I saw things clearly, the more he devolved into someone I wanted no part of.  The extent of his deceit...the depths he sank to, it really helped me find the closure I needed.  I've wasted too much of my life being in abusive relationships not to be able to recognize them for what they are. 

He might twist it and say that I'm seeing something where nothing is, because it's all I've known, all I want to see, but that's just gaslighting. So much of what he did to me was.  I feel like a veil has been lifted, and I can't unsee it. 

Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough

He just thinks it's funny to trigger my PTSD to rub it in my face he's been cheating on me every night for months. That it's killing me *I* have to degrade myself just to get him to be receptive, to just be discreet and stop killing me every night. And for the first time in 5 years he didn't run away. He held me. He diffused the anxiety attack. And he triggered it because he's Abusive. And it's my ptsd and the round of eliminations at work triggered me. 

That I have twice the emotions because of my PTSD and he has half of the emotions because of his ex wife. I Need all the coping mechanisms like not having my security and health insurance threatened because I'm one of 4 from 12 admins. And I could be next. I can't afford to work this stressed until April. I don't have the energy.

Can you please try to understand this isn't about you it's about me getting healthy? And he said he'd try. And tomorrow he won't remember we had this talk. And he won't understand why I start to cry every time I see him sexting with K.

2020 - TRIGGER WARNINGS

He says because I have 3 rooms it's unfair for him to have to take the "smaller" room. So he refuses to move beds and that he was planning on staying until the lease is up but now he will start looking for an apartment.

I said I still need his help moving the bed into our bedroom and he just thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him or something - he's not hearing what I'm saying. I keep saying I want a compromise we can both live with and he's hearing I either making him move and still pay rent or he has to be in the smaller bedroom. He doesn't understand why I can't just be in the smaller bedroom.

I said, "well then you should pay $200 extra in rent a month bc the only thing I'm asking you to change is the beds. If you want to move your computer into the sunroom I think that's a great idea."

He's done talking and he doesn't know if he will want to revisit the conversation. He wanted to be my friend but I'm making it very hard for him to keep caring.

Therapy was wonderful and after D will talk to me about any other topic with enthusiasm like before didn't happen. He only refuses to talk about paying the bills, cleaning the house or separating our stuff so we can start detaching from each other. fun times!

________________________________________


D has decided to be butthurt and angry that I didn't tell him about my father's memorial, I guess his parents texted him which caught him off guard and embarrassed him. So he's not talking to me. He's like, "I thought we were getting to a better place but I guess not. You could have just told me about it and said you didn't want me there. It would have been nice to know." I'm like, "what part of this wasn't about YOU do you not understand?"

Made some minimal progress with D. He's trying to be discreet about the cheating, says we can talk about the budget this weekend.

I was gentle with myself for not getting as much done as I'd like and proud for getting done as much as I did

And then suddenly I start crying but not for the reasons everyone probably assumes. Like they are like, well that's understandable, it's the end of something you had for a very long time there's going to be that pain and I'm like no, it's that suddenly I see what he's doing and how he's laying these seeds to make me look crazy. And even just trying to tell our mutual friends just makes me SOUND crazy. To tell it, I mean. So every once in a while I'm doing something and my brain will piece together a scenario where he just does the stuff my brother used to do and I can't believe I didn't see the signs sooner so I start sobbing that it's finally over. I can do what I want to when I want and I don't need to weigh the pros and cons of "is taking a shower right now completely worth the conflict? Is eating? Do you *really* need to pee or are you just trying to think of an excuse to leave the room?" So he twists that and sounds so charming and says, I don't know she's just paranoid, she thinks everybody is out to get her, she's started hiding stuff in her room, I'm super worried about her" I'm so sure he's doing some variation of what he did with you that night. And a few of my friends are all, "well we still love you both and of course you will both still be in our lives but it's just awkward


I can't insist they stop talking to him the same way he can't ask them to stop talking to me.

I processed a bunch of trauma but didn't write any of it down. I wonder how much of it I'll remember tomorrow.

Day - whatever - of listening to YouTube videos and pondering. 

Learning to Respond, Not React - Tara Brach

...one of the most valuable questions I can ask myself when I'm caught in reactivity is what am I believing right now - I find that inevitably when I am looping, and the loop is 1. have these thoughts 2. more feelings in a certain way 3. more thoughts 4. more feelings leading to a behavior I'll probably regret - when I'm looping, if I can stop, pause find that space, and then say, so what am I really believing? almost inevitably, I find that I'm believing I'm in some way failing, in some way I'm falling short, and then there's fear with that that leads to either blaming myself or or blaming someone else.

This caught my...ear...because she used the word looping, and I'm like, oh, I do that...but I think more back to the time I was embarrassed at the times I'd make reservations and no one would show up...or throw a party and no one would show up...and even last night when I was working through the expectation I have that people should show up, because that's the lesson that society and media and the world tell me - ask for help, and be surprised by the outpouring of love and support you receive. 

Or if you don't receive it, it's because you need to find it inside yourself and stop looking elsewhere.  All these mixed messages and I'm just trying to do my best to feel a sense of connection - of course I feel angry and defeated and embarrassed and hurt when I do everything everyone tells me and things don't work out in my favor.  I've spent a majority of my life being told I need to change the way I am if I want to be accepted, and I am still not accepted.  It's not about blame, these are just facts.  I put all my energy into things expecting a different outcome because that's the message I've been getting, and it contradicts my lived experience.  The huge amount of cognitive dissonance I feel is what my brain loops about. Trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. So of course people that don't understand think I'm "obsessing" or "co-dependent" or whatever all these things that are so ingrained in me I tell myself them as well...and I finally stopped.  I realized how very little the "friends" were actually there for me.  Sure they showed up for the "big things" but I now remember all the times they fell short.  I am finally understanding how deep my isolation has been.  The mass amounts of things I could not have learned in a vacuum. 

Yes, I could have said, "I'm very grateful for the fact you are here, however I'm extremely embarrassed that all the people that said they were going to show up did not, and as it's a direct reflection of me, and now I'm getting dirty looks from the restaurant manager, I feel uncomfortable, and I'd like that validated please. 

The other day, when A was here, we had an "argument" and I say things like, "you don't pay attention" but I laugh...because he doesn't.  I have to preface everything I say with "this is not a criticism, don't get defensive" But now I realize...or am closer to realizing what I need to say.  I don't want to correct his behavior, I want him to be aware of how his behavior makes me feel.  But I don't want every time we hang out it's me telling him what he's still getting wrong.  I need a compromise, and I'm still unclear of his motivation.  It doesn't help he spends absolutely 0 time thinking about what motivates him and does things without thinking. 

Which is partly what triggered the "argument" I was feeling a sort of way and really wasn't in the mood to see him.  I had prefaced our plans with "can you make a contingency date" and mentioned that to him. He said, "I didn't need one" I said, but I did.  He said, but this day worked for me.  I said, but it didn't for me.  He didn't grasp what I was saying, doesn't really take into consideration that my brain works so completely differently to his and I'm on a delay so it takes me a while to process what his thoughts are. 

It put me in a mood which I was trying to mask and made me irritable and short with him over a miscommunication he repeated several times, but I just let it go and then things were fine.  Working out for me what was making me irritable was just our difference in communication styles, but because I was irritated, I couldn't....figure out how to explain that to him.  I reacted.  After that slight hiccup, we had a really nice time, and I'm getting more comfortable with having him in my house, even though there's still a fair amount of shame involved. 

...as you become still you can take some moments to just notice if there's some pattern in your life that wants your attention, if there's one of these areas of puponcha (sp?) that there creates suffering for you

I really need to look into whatever it is I need to do so I can log into this forum "regularly".  Since I found the workaround of logging in in incognito mode (still makes me giggle) I haven't bothered to use a spoon to sort that out.  But it's "on my list".  So is working on my resume, responding to emails I don't want to deal with.  The voices in my head tell me the shoulds and I know I'm right where I SHOULD be right now, focusing on what I need to.  Everything else can wait, I put myself last my entire life, I'm no longer going to do that. 

Healing the Nervous System From Trauma: Somatic Experiencing

 ...for example anger comes with heat and red-faced and muscle tension, and depression comes with physical pain and exhaustion and sensitivity...

Except my senses process differently.  So I keep being told the symptoms I should have. But I don't.  It doesn't feel like that.  I don't have panic, or anxiety, or depression.  Except where warranted...I have something....different and just because I can't name it doesn't mean it's because I can't name my feelings.  I literally cannot describe it, but I did the best I could and it's understandable.  I don't think I need to have a name for it.  I recognize it when I feel it. 

when we don't take the time to acknowledge and listen to our body and our nervous systems cues, when we suppress or avoid or rush through those emotions, that can make us sick both physically and emotionally. So when we respond to worry by running about and trying to do everything all the time, then occasionally our body's going to collapse with exhaustion, and this is going to look like an anxiety or a depressive disorder.

20 minutes until round two with the HR rep of FUN RELIVING MY TRAUMA!

Someone messaged me out of the blue this week, and in scrolling up I was able to access our entire conversation history.  I found a bit I mentioned to him about D, when we were first dating..."but it's not, whatever you said earlier, where I'm head over heels and we can do our own thing, it's that I told him from day one that I'm not going to suddenly morph into this entity where we are one and do everything together.  My friends came first, I knew them longer and they will continue to come first, then if I have time I see D as he has met some of my friends and I've met some of his, that overlaps sometimes, but not always, he can still go do his thing if he wants and I do mine it has nothing to do with being in love, it has more to do with being in a healthy non co-dependent relationship"

So it's like, even from day one I knew what I wanted, and I was using all these online videos to try to create a healthy relationship, because I had never experienced one, didn't know what one looked like but I *knew* what I wanted and told him regularly.  The piece no one ever clued me in on is if you ask, and ask and ask, and don't get what you're asking for, you can leave.  I didn't want to leave because I knew leaving meant going back to a life of isolation and struggling to survive, and for the first time in...years...I was interacting with other people and being included in things. Oh well, time to stop thinking about D and start thinking about L...

I hope your meeting with HR went as smooth as it could.

@Rainy Diary - thank you. It really did go well.  The only thing that severely triggered me was when she asked how the conversation went when I was eliminated.  As I brought up the memory and started to tell her, I started at the triggered spot and slipped into full on being right back there as it was happening, word vomiting all the stuff that came up, and then was able to stop and say, "so yeah, that's how that conversation went". 

We immediately switched gears to me telling her all the value add I did for the company, how well I had been exceeding expectations and doing amazing things and how all I desperately wanted was for my managers to have the same perception of my accomplishments as I had. How I just wanted to feel I belonged. 

She confided to me "person to person" that she's experienced something similar and has also had trouble recollecting things, wondering if she said/did something wrong and was made to feel like things were her fault.  She said, "one day, L will just be a story you tell and doesn't define you". 

The funniest (not funny) part of the conversation was when I was re-telling her the part of the story where I was written up.  She asked what happened, and I said, in that moment, I couldn't process anything, all I could think was "my position is going to be eliminated"

She asked, "what was the result of that conversation?"  I replied, "My position was eliminated."

I'm glad your conversation was met with support and understanding. 

I've got about 150 posts left in my old journal, and it's interesting for me to read the entries now with current understanding. Especially the aspect where I let my parts say what they really feel about things, it helps me to understand that it's the filter I view everything through, which changes the perspective and meaning of the words I'm reading. I find running things through my filters several times helps me uncover what is going on, and helps me see it clearer. 

For example, the message I kept getting over and over is if I focus on the negative, I will only get more negative, so don't let your mind go there!!  Um, but letting my mind actually go there and digging up all the things I learned and the stories I've been telling myself helped me to realize what was actually going on. 

"when you and I get focused on what bothers us, the universe can only grow for us that which we are attending with our attention."

Guess what Universe, my attention is focused on my healing now, and it ISN'T from letting go of my thoughts and watching them float by like little leaves with assigning no meaning to them. 

"Take your attention away from what worries you, and focus on what you love!"

No matter how you feel, act like the person you want to be.  Poised, polite, amenable.  Through your own actions, you can become the kind of person you admire.  Making positive changes in your life builds self esteem.  Accept opportunities to practice being the person you'd like to become.

The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle

To complain is always non-acceptance of what is and it invariably carries an unconscious negative charge.

When you complain you make yourself a victim. Either leave the situation, change the situation or accept it.  All else is madness.

Today, let's shift every complaint and either accept the situation, change the situation or leave the situation and come into harmony with what is. This is the power of now.

Victim is such a triggering word for me. I still don't understand what it means, but I notice it gets thrown around a lot.  I "complained" to people that weren't really my friends that I lacked a feeling of connection and wanted more intimacy.  That isn't being a victim. 

Gabor Mate says, "...needs for belonging, needs for connection, need for meaning, a need for transcendence, a need for competence, a need for mastery, a need for authenticity, autonomy - these are essential human needs."

Me "complaining" I'm not getting my essential human needs met to people that are. not. interested. in providing those needs to me...if anything, I was a victim of assuming these people were my friends. 

Hi EA, I found you first paragraph inspiring. I don't think that message is prominent enough among people.

Especially survivors, we're put in a box and have expectations, usually unrealistic expectations put on us that can hinder our growth into being who we want to become.

I have never liked the "v" word and I won't to be referred as one.

As I've aged, I started letting go of people who wanted a lot from me. When I got sick they still had the same expectations. Instead of support and understanding, they still wanted the energy put to them.

It did take awhile, finally the lack of just respecting my wishes about things pushed me to just walk away.

 :cheer: on speaking out about topics that aren't considered an issue.

@Rainy Diary - me too...I am very grateful the woman has empathy and compassion. I wasn't expecting that.
@Denali - thank you so much.  I huge part of my lived experience was not having a voice, so learning to speak out is new to me. 

Every person and situation we encounter is a learning experience.  They are carefully selected by the inner self, who understands our needs in this life.  We need others for what they can help us learn. 

I embraced this when I endured what I was experiencing at work.  I kept telling myself being in this situation was a learning experience, so I can make better choices.  Choices I didn't make with my FOO, in my friendships, my relationship, any instance of pattern recognition, of the universe putting me in the same situation over and over again until I *finally* learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning to stop this cycle.  ]

That I was put on this earth to learn the lessons I didn't learn in my past life and that's why I was being "punished".  That until I figured out what *I* was doing wrong, the same situations would keep happening, so it didn't matter where I was, I needed to learn this lesson. 

Maybe the lesson is that it isn't me at all? That chasing after people that don't want me isn't a good use of that energy?

I think I'll just leave this here to ponder the next time I filter things.

Act "as if".  There's magic in behaving the way we want to be, even though we don't yet feel it.  The behavior seems to lead the way, the mental state follows.  If you reach out, give love unconditionally, love will return tenfold.  The attitude we cultivate will determine how the events of our lives affect us. 

Here's another "affirmation message" that I find challenging. Because I did act like that, I was a kind, generous, selfless friend and kept thinking, I'm putting all this energy out there to receive love tenfold - why am I still only being rejected?  And I wasn't doing it with the intent to just get.  I'm genuinely a kind, compassionate, accepting, thoughtful, considerate person.  Being the change I want to see, doing the work  :blahblahblah:

This is what I keep getting stuck on. Why I spent so long putting so much energy into being a better friend. 

Each of us is guided while we act as guides to one another. We are all healers offering strength, and we all need healing.

I get that Eireanne - we were kind, selfless and generous because we know and feel it's so important and lacking. 

I recall a few people in my life saying, "she tries so hard".  But how I really felt was good because I was doing good from my heart.  To me I wasn't trying that hard, it was just who I was back then.

Maybe I was trying to hard because now I have no energy for much of anything.

@Moondance - so relatable. These days I feel like I don't have the energy for anything.  Especially things that lead to feelings of rejection.

2021 - more D stuff - Possible Trigger Warning


I'm mourning restaurants we'll never go to, the ones we didn't get a chance to go to, the ones I might never get a chance to go to, at least not for a very long time. 

I have to use so much energy to not let him see he's hurting me, because HE isn't. It's the loss of who he was, I miss that guy.

He, at some point once again came into the room my stuff is in to take things instead of asking.  Because he has no respect for my boundaries or privacy and no common courtesy.  He also assumes I don't have any either.  He cheated and he's convinced everyone I was just paranoid and jealous bc he talks to "people" the way he skewed everything to make me look unhinged.  Convincing people I'm the one smashing his stuff after he threatens me. He insists I'm purposely hiding things of his so instead of being the bigger person, I started hiding his things.  He's made me into someone I don't like, and I'm mad and I feel helpless.  Now everyone is all "we love you both and we understand how hard this must be for you"

He's being so toxic and abusive and gaslighting me, and this is how he feels better about himself, to watch me be in pain and then to act all innocent like he has no idea why I have to be so hostile towards him when all he's done is be fair.

There are two sides to every story and I'd be hurt if people stopped being my friend just from stuff he's saying about me.  I just can't sort out why I'm so hurt people are still going to be his friend. 

Going through that and then reading things like this:

Preoccupation with self prevents all but the narrowest perspective on any problem. It blocks whatever truths are trying to gain our attention. The paradox is whatever our pain, it is lessened by turning our attention elsewhere, to another's pain or joy.

The story I tell myself all the time is that I am the problem, because everything I read, everything I'm taught, everything I'm told is that I need to change ME in order to get my needs met. 

I still struggle with asking people for the things I need and then not getting it. 

__________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday all the parts had so much to say and today we have no energy.  So we are honoring our own needs and ignoring the mother at the door saying, "How long are you planning on being miserable?"  Because the answer is, as long as it takes to bring up, process, attune to, validate and love myself for all the things I endured and all the patterns I can't seem to stop and all the stories I tell myself.  It's all here all the time.  I'm here for it. 

This is the post...the triggering post from 2 years ago that sticks in my head like a negative reel...

What better gift could I give on Valentine's Day, but one of emotional satisfaction? We enter relationships with the hope, and even the expectation that our true love will not only intuitively know what we need, but will happily fulfill our emotional needs – that is the unspoken job of our mate. Why not make it easier on your love by telling him or exactly what you really need? Ah, but immediately you hit a snag, because when I pop the question, what are your top four personal and emotional needs? You might be drawing a bit of a blank. How then, do you expect your dear partner to figure out what your needs are if you can't even articulate them clearly yourself?

Knowing what you need is a great place to start. The next step is asking specifically for what you want.

Edit: And this one - Giving to others is the key to finding the happiness for which we've searched so long. We must get outside of ourselves and focus on another's joy or sorrow.   

I feel like I've clearly been asking for what I want and need my entire life.  I just can't seem to figure out why when I ask for things, I don't get the thing so I automatically assumed it was me, asking wrong, not being specific enough, not being clear.  Being with A, he's the first person that can just do the thing I ask, no questions asked.  I asked him to turn his read notifications back on because it makes me anxious when he doesn't respond to my texts, he did.  Now instead of telling myself the story I said something wrong, I know he hasn't looked at my msgs.  And there's no story I tell myself with that, until it starts, and I can tell him, hey, I'm starting to tell myself a story, can you respond? And he will.  Without drama, without gaslighting, or making me feel bad for having to ask.  He just does.  And it feels so nice.  Why is it so rare?

As I continue to grieve the loss of what I thought my life was, I have been keeping this in mind:

Remember that when a door closes, a window opens. It's an artform to learn to turn our attention from the closed door and to the window - not only to it, but through it, into the possibility and what is next.

In your life right now, there are some doors that have closed, or are in the process of closing. At the same time, there are windows opening, inviting you into this next stage of your life.


K sent a text...after 7 months of nothing...

"It may not seem like it but I love you I miss you and I really really really messed up"

I guess...it's a comfort? After all, most everyone that has stopped being my friend over the years does so without me ever knowing or understanding why, so maybe the story I tell myself is that I didn't mean anything to these people that it's easy for them to just stop talking to me.  Although this text offers no explanation, K at least thinks about me once in a while even though we aren't friends anymore? 

SUNDAY, MARCH 28, 2021

I've got so much to focus on and work on, not just arts and crafts. I'm keeping busy and seriously doing a lot of work to get my mental health under control. There's such a stigma with that topic, but it's just learned behaviors and now I'm learning better things, unlearning what I was taught as a child.

It makes me sad I've been saying this or something similar at many stages throughout my life, but nothing ever changes.  Still trying to unlearn, still trying to not re-live the same things over and over, still hoping for something different and then just accepting I probably won't ever experience the things I've desperately wanted...

stupid little things, like going to a hot sauce festival.  Or having someone want to spend time with me because they actually like me, not just because they feel bad I have no one else.  Sigh. 

It's little things, like...I joined this book club, and there's this nice lady who said she'd walk with me (it's tonight) So I confirmed verbally last week I wanted to walk with her, and sent an email to her about it 2 days ago...it's now 30 minutes until the time I have to leave the house to walk there and I still haven't heard from her.  This is what people do and I think it's rude, but I can't ever SAY that.  Because then *I* am the rude one, so I just...start blaming myself.  That I'm probably giving off a desperate vibe and she was only being nice, like when people say, "let's go out for coffee sometime!" Except they do.  G sent an email that said, "A group of us are getting together on Tuesdays for coffee, would you like to join us?" and I said yes.  Then I never heard from him about it until I saw him and he offhandedly mentioned, oh hey, sorry I never followed up with you about going out for coffee...

the story I tell myself is a spectrum of things from, "they are all probably going every week but decided you were too "weird" and didn't want me there" and who blames them, I am awkward AF, I literally have no topics of conversation that aren't trauma.  My entire life is trauma right now, I'm the life of the effing party....oh, and all my friends pretty much jumped ship, which is like, just part of the pattern, so no social support, powerless to stop the pattern from repeating itself to the point I don't get out of bed and just self sooth and reparent my way through this because I have no effing friends showing up for me in ANY way but yeah, lets not overreact when a simple gesture like, "sure we can walk together" turns into more rejection...and if I keep viewing everything through the lens of rejection then I'm never going to be able to start looking for a job, so best just like...process all this trauma? 

 :Idunno:

I think it was a good idea to let the parts have their own journal, they are very excited and have already given me a short list of things they'd like to feel heard about.

Book club starts at 7pm so I leave the house to ensure I arrive at 7.  I don't want to be the first one there, so at first I was walking with my usual pace, telling myself the story, maybe I'll run into the lady that said we could walk together, but as soon as it's clear I don't see her I am fine listening to my music and walking and I arrive just at 7 thinking, what if I'm too early to....every one of them sitting around a table talking with not one empty seat for me to join in.  They tell me there's a spare chair in the stairwell, so I get one and sit awkwardly outside the circle until someone finally thought to make a little room for me to squeeze in a little closer.  I do not feel accepted, and I do not think these people are entirely compassionate.  Since I already started the book for next month and the next host lives a block from me I'll give it one more month, but more and more I'm seeing I'm not connecting to anyone outside of my head any time soon :(

very sorry that woman didn't show up or bother to let you know she wouldn't be there.  was she at the book club at all?  i think one more month is fair.  best to you - i give you credit for reaching out for a social gathering.  that takes guts.  love and hugs, EA   :hug:

@San - oh yeah, she was there, and the only thing she made mention of to me was noticing my car was back from repairs and asked some sort of "how was I doing?" to which I replied, I'd be doing better if the universe would just give me a break for a bit, lol - she was mostly engrossed in conversation with the woman sitting next to her and didn't pay me any mind at all, none of them did.  They are all a chatty group that has been together for a while. There was no sense of welcoming or inclusion just, oh, you're here too. 

I just feel like I'm always looking for opportunities to put myself out there because "you never know when you will make a new friend" But these just aren't my people and I'm tired of putting all my energy into hoping for a sense of community and connection, a sense of belonging.  Using my time and energy to spend time listening to my parts and what stories I've been repeating is a much better use of my time right now. They've got a LOT to say. 

SUNDAY, APRIL 11, 2021
 
I'm slowly finding my voice again....reclaiming things I had once loved

learning how I want to respond to things and then practicing those responses....realizing I'm not being abused anymore, it's time to let my guard down and try.  No one is going to make me feel inferior anymore...if I mess it up, I'll try again, it's OK....and having it be ok. 

Learning to be able to set boundaries, not just go along because it's what's expected of me. 

Everyone in my life right now is teaching me how to find myself again, the lost parts of me that have been sleeping for the past 7 years. 

Actually DOING the things I've been thinking about for so long.  Becoming the person I've always wanted to be.   

I realize no previous relationship I've ever had...my (in)significant others have never done anything to make me feel loved.  They've all made me feel that I ask for too much, that I am too much...I am too

being a considerate person is really important to me, and being around so many abusive people in the middle of a pandemic made me forget that Every time I leave the house I feel like I'm surrounded by people that don't give a !@$%#$@ and I've been letting it change me, but I decided to stop that and spend some time trying to remember the person I was before all this !@$.

___________________________________________________

These are the cycles I go through, recognizing I'm in an unhealthy relationship, being removed from the situation, not having any friends or family to turn to, picking myself up and starting over and trying to be intentional in my healing, opening myself up to new experiences, only to end up with people that don't have my best interests - whether it be an abusive manager, friends that aren't really giving me friendship, people that make me feel incredibly needy because I want to feel like I am included in things.  Then reading all these affirmations that convince me that I need to clear my mind and let go and stop focusing on the past, or I'll keep attracting bad things, so my self doubt that I can't depend on people or the grief that this may be the only time I'm experiencing this and soon this will just be a memory of "the one time I experienced this and then forcing myself to be grateful for the experience while I live a life of lack and rejection, all the while trying to sooth myself into accepting it without assigning meaning to it....exhausting. 

Still plowing through the old journal entries - Then vs. now...and I want to be mindful that the perspective I have through my parts opinions on things should not make YOU all feel bad if you are reading the things I was told and found it to be helpful...I'm only venting about my own perception and am in no way judging you or your own experiences. 



1. Feeling insufficient, unworthy, unstable sense of self.

Exercising, changing the negative narrative in your head, practicing mindfulness My experiences of consistently being rejected and abandoned - at work, in friendships, in relationships, in book clubs...volunteering...leaves me feeling like there is something I must be doing wrong that people are subconsciously repelled by me.  I was told specifically by my FOO that I am worthless...I live from a place of scarcity and struggle with getting my basic needs met - which makes me feel I have no stability.  I am told to counteract this lived experience, I need to change my thinking, focus on gratitude and being mindful and exercise more.

2. Flashbacks I skipped over commenting on this in 2021, mostly because I don't have flashbacks, I ruminate - which again all the wellness industry gurus said not to do, don't think about the past or the future, just be in the now  :blahblahblah:

*3 struggle with cognitive dissonance – hold on to 2 contradictory beliefs at the same time – could not trust your own perception. Um yes, that's called gaslighting, knowing my experience to be true but being told consistently that something else happened

scapegoat I've often felt like the scapegoat in a lot of social situations and family situations...easier to blame me for things

Validation journaling exercises um...guess that's what I'm doing now? I don't know, guru self-help things like telling me open ended statements without practical - and here's how to do it! guides...unless you want to pay 4 easy payments of just $29.99

4. feels numb to your emotions (depression and anxiety) desire to disengage Aside from that absence of feeling I have when I'm just in shock from yet again having my pattern recognition play out before me and I feel completely helpless to stop or alter anything in any way...I don't really have depression or anxiety - which is funny because I was viewing everything through the lens of "I am depressed/anxious because doctor's have told me I am" I did have depression when I had COVID and recognized it.  Sometimes though it's hard for me to recognize my behaviors, because it's helpful to have someone outside me tell me what they are perceiving, but for the most part I'm pretty good at analyzing my experience.  I know when I lay in bed all curled up and I just don't want to move it LOOKS like depression, but I don't FEEL depressed.  You just need the added context of all the layers that are happening and all the things I am processing and how much it takes out of me to just let my parts all run through their interpretations of something happening before I can make a decision on which facet of what they are saying sounds like the "truth" I want to believe.

Abuse leads to emotional distress Cue a meme of Phoebe from Friends saying, "That is completely brand new information!" /sarcasm

5. emotional detachment – defense mechanism to disengage from My therapist and I agree that I do not have emotional detachment, in fact I have the opposite - super emotional about too many things

Prevents you from being vulnerable cue more laughter as I am vulnerable all the time and need to learn how to stop being so open with things, especially with people that don't deserve it.

Yoga Still working towards trying to fit a yoga practice into my routine

6. you over apologize – I'm a people pleaser for sure, but I definitely don't over-apologize. I'm more likely to say, "Thank you for your patience" than "I'm so sorry I'm late"


Subconscious reprogramming
Thought level
Belief level
Action level
Behavioral reprogramming

Your brain will often sacrifice the most effective way of getting it's needs met in order to get it's needs met most quickly.  Learn how to reconnect to yourself – create a habit for self connection, introspective questions
Learn how to be alone – deeply reflect on what your needs are and what a relationship means to them
Learn to identify your own needs
End self-abandonment – so much time thinking about other people– check in with yourself, self reflecting 7 areas of life – emotional, physical, financial, Career, mental, family/social (relational), focus on the areas that are not other ppl
Find purpose
Self sooth – process your emotions all the way through

The parts are bristling at the invalidation that is found within this message. 

A letter I sent my friend in April 2021

I need you to know that not a day has gone by where you haven't been in my thoughts.  I wonder how you are doing, if everyone is still safe and well, what you have been doing, how the cats are...so many thoughts.  I hope you've just been too busy to write me and worry that I haven't heard from you because I didn't take time to email you more.  Or that because you've been feeling too depressed to write to me, or you thought I would be bothered by you :(  It's so hard for me these days, my brain twists everything into a negative. 

Over the next several months, I'm going to be going through old journal entries, and really sitting down with my feelings.  It's going to bring up a lot of things my brain is going to want to distract me from facing, and put me in a really bad feeling space.  A lot of insecurities are going to come up and a lot of things I really can't talk to anyone about.  However, that's just it, I NEED to be able to talk about how I'm feeling with someone, and you, on more than one occasion, have offered to be that person for me.  I'm going to take you up on it, but that means actually sitting down and doing the work. 

As this email has (hopefully) pointed out, on some level, no matter how bad I really want to get to the root of why I feel this way, and heal from all the past negative experiences, on some level, my brain doesn't want me to.  Even if all of me wants to, I think my body betrays me by giving me headaches and other various body aches so that I don't want to do anything but lie down and watch movies.  Time wastes and distractions and before I know it, it's April, and we haven't talked in months and I haven't faced my demons. 

So there it is, all of why you haven't heard from me, but not actually any of the things I've gone through in all that time.

It's such a great feeling to sort of wake up and start enjoying things again. It's hard because it feels so out of our control sometimes, to me at least.

The whole thing about attracting abusers is such a difficult concept to grapple with. It took me a lot of time to develop that ability...I think confidence I guess...to recognize it in other people and then to trust myself enough to put the guard up and keep them out. Because I think that's what differentiates us from people who don't get sucked into these cycles with abusers...is we kind of get that gut feeling but have been trained to not listen to it and to try to be there for the  other person and put their needs first. But people without cptsd and trauma just listen to their gut and think "whatever I'm not going to out up with that *" and don't invite that person into their life, no doubt, no questioning. Just NO.

So I have no doubt that as you recover from the last cycle of abuse you'll get that spidey sense about people that is telling you "no" and you'll catch it and listen to it. Just like you are with the uninclusive book club.

@Armee I hope you're right  :hug:

Betrayal Blindness in Narcissistic Systems - this concept is really important for survivors because it's important to recognize that this is a natural part of a trauma response. We as human beings seek safety, homeostasis, normalcy, not recognizing the betrayal which we inherently know is a betrayal is a way of keeping that safety and stability.  It's a false safety, but over time we become more and more entrenched.

Self-blame is central to understanding what happens to survivors of narcissistic abuse. It's one of the primary patterns in people experiencing narcissistic abuse, but understanding where it comes from is also important.

Survivors are often shamed. You aren't blaming yourself because you're silly or weak or insecure, it's part of a larger traumatic response to staying safe and stable - normal things to want.

 :wave: Eireanne

That makes so much sense to me.  I believe the doubt we have of ourselves, decisions, etc fits in as well.

Thank you for this info Eireanne.

I appreciate the reflection that blaming ourself is a part of a trauma response.  I hadn't thought of it like that before.

@ Armee - I woke up today feeling full of enjoyment and thought of you  :hug:

@ Moondance - I keep having these moments where I think, why didn't someone just explain this to me? and @ rainydiary - exactly.  I hadn't thought of it like that before either.  I'm just like...this makes sense.  Why wasn't it explained LIKE THIS?

Then I just sort of want to sit with it for a while and take it in and reframe my understanding and how everything fits differently.

______________________________________________________________________________

CORE WORK to help you HEAL from narcissistic relationships

Core wounds defy intellect. Our thinking brains may recognize our distortion and our strong reactions, but core wound activation is something we feel physically.

Your body holds those core wounds. When they are activated, even though you can talk your way through, you can think rationally to yourself but your body still feels awful, and because your body feels awful, your mind can easily follow.

Many people will often trivialize their own core wounds. "I should be past this" "I can't keep living in the past" "I can't keep blaming my stuff from my past" - this isn't about using the core wound as a cop-out (we all have them) the best any of us can do is recognize them, because if we don't acknowledge them we actually can be shocked by their power and how destabilizing our responses and reactions can be. In certain situations, the core wound is a central issue around why people get into narcissistic relationships and get stuck in them and find it hard to heal afterwards.

Core wounds really help us understand the path in, the path stuck, and the challenges of the path out.

in a family society that doesn't see or validate or empathize with a child an individual, the child they may not be able to
authentically or in a healthy manner develop core values...it takes them a long time in adulthood to almost deprogram from that.

Core hopes are integral to you. When our core hopes get dashed, it does not feel good - same with all the other core stuff. The way our core hopes build, they start early. Our core hopes are driven by what we see in childhood and perhaps maybe what we don't get.

...believe that they had no right to expect so much from a relationship, that they were asking for too much, and that perhaps their core hopes were grandiose - it's not grandiose to expect to not be gaslighted or to expect to be respected or listened to.

Things that matter to them were too big of a core hope because they weren't supported in it in. After it being invalidated repeatedly, they may have simply abandoned the core hope rather than questioning the relationship. 

That core hope can shield a person from seeing their relationship accurately. The core hope of wanting a close relationship may mean that you keep enduring their ongoing invalidation just so you can maintain that hope.  The tough part is in maintaining the core hope and still setting a boundary and recognizing how it is keeping you stuck. Your core hopes are important, they are the things that may imbue life with meaning and purpose. We need to figure out how to regulate or rethink of the core if the core hopes don't land as we hope.

_____________________________________________

My biggest challenge is that my core hopes are so simple.  I want friends, and people who will show up for me when I'm hurt. I want hugs.  I want to have human interaction.  I want to remember what being touched feels like.  These hopes are SO FOREIGN to people that can't understand the void I live in...the absence of understanding what these things are.  To be treated like a person, to be respected, to be cherished...it's too much to hope for.  The fact I can't even hope someone will go for a walk with me, to not allow that hope to rise up in me that I can depend on someone when they say they are there for me.  The rejection I filter everything through because I haven't experienced those things. 

The fact that people misinterpret my lack of wanting to continue to hope. Like Charlie Brown and the football, I have been asking for years - how many times am I stupidly going to believe things are going to work out differently for me? How about I finally just reach acceptance and understand that these things are just not for me.  I don't get friends, family, a job, human decency...and I just need to learn to be ok with that, stop striving, stop hoping, just be ok that I don't get to experience those things.  And it's heartbreaking and it hurts, but it's my reality. 

This is what I've been talking to my therapist about as we open doors I am afraid of.  The longing for things I want to feel keeps me putting my energy towards people that aren't for me.  I have just been giving myself that energy and holding my little. 

It helps me recognize that my SPD is really just touch starvation, and my body can't process feels because it doesn't feel things consistently enough.  It helps with the perspective.  Sigh. 

Misconceptions About Love & How to Turn Toxicity into Healthy Boundaries

A lot of people are like, well this is how I would like for someone to love me, so if I keep doing that to her she's gonna like it because I would like it." That is not love. Love is learning to express it in the way that your partner receives it.

To be understood - that's what I was looking for. A sense of "you know me". Someone knew what you wanted and needed and you didn't even have to say it.  When two people are learning something at the same time you just knock against each other. Finding your person, you're bringing together two most likely very different families of origin and your world views are shaped by the people that raise you and so you're touching on all these things...oftentimes in relationships you're realizing together, "I don't actually know anything and neither do you." We're trying to figure that out while we're getting to know each other with this deep desire and need to be seen - that's so much of being loved.

You're depriving yourself of the next level of connection by only thinking of it from your perspective.  You can very much live in a self-centered world of "I'm the only one who contributes to this relationship." When you enter a relationship, you're coming in with a glass and if you're coming in with an empty one, you kind of have this parched expectation for the other person to fill it for you and to constantly expect someone else to fill it for you means they are depleting their own. When you both come with a full glass and there is no expectation to fill that for each other, now you can love out of the abundance of having it for yourself.  This expectation to fill it isn't there. It's just two whole people that can focus on what is important to them - live life together, navigate life together, grow together, be content together.

The question is - am I willing to work on myself for this person? It's not - am I willing to work on this relationship? It's - am I willing to work on myself for this person and is that person willing to work on themselves for me? I have a rule - if the relationship is not going in a direction we both want it to, I want you to tell me and I'll tell you.  I've sat down and said, "I don't like where this relationship's going right now. This isn't the relationship I want. Is it the relationship you want? If it isn't, what are you willing do to get it to where you want it to be and if it isn't, what am I willing to do to get it to where we want it to be and what do we want it to be? Have that conversation regularly, because you're naturally going to go off track. You can never just be on track and I think in other relationships, not only did we assume we'd always be on track, I think when we went off track we were very unhealthy in how we talked about it.

There's a sense of humility from both sides in saying, "we got this wrong, let's try again, let's shift this" I think a sense of lack of ego makes it easier to work on it continuously, whereas if you have an ego all the time that you're doing everything right and the other person's wrong then that discourages a relationship. Instead of you and me use us and we. When I'm thinking about constructively moving away from the conflict or moving forward with it, I'll always say what are we willing to do for this relationship and what is something that's important to both of us? Now we're a team, we're working on it together, we're solving this rather than "you make me feel like this and you do this wrong." It's almost like saying, "we're pretty much both struggling with this, how are you struggling with it?"

This is a way that we're socialized, to be an independent unique and individual. In relationships there is a we - we're doing this together, we're choosing each other every day - which is not easy. If you say that and the other person doesn't want to figure it out or doesn't see it, that's where you start going, "well, I don't know where this is going - there has to be a collective responsibility.

Not everyone can do that in the moment. Not everyone's going to do that when you're having the fight. Sometimes, people need more time and knowing that is important too - not everyone in the moment is able to be that vulnerable straight away.

Hi Eireanne

I posted a response earlier to your post regarding core wounds - but it didn't post.

So short version  ;D is,

Eireanne I wish that all of your hearts desires come to be for you.  That your heart and your whole being be filled with all that you want and need for yourself.

You so deserve it. 

 :bighug:

@ Moondance - ugh, don't you hate it when our posts don't post??? Thank you so much for your kind words :hug:

You have written a lot of really helpful stuff. Thank you. I particularly relate to your post about core wounds right now because I keep working through this with my therapist. I struggle a lot with my logical brain thinking one thing and my emotional brain feeling something quite different. It truly is astonishing how core wounds can just keep on hurting no matter how often you tell yourself you are an adult and you can take care of little you.
 :hug:

yeah, core wounds, like my lack of emotions.  it most definitely is taking time and work to re-wire those neural pathways that had been unformed.  wounds for sure.  thanks, and keep hangin' tough, ok EA?  love and hugs :hug:

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and haven't been journaling a lot, but I have all these thoughts and I've been processing them in various ways. 

@NarcKiddo - I'm grateful you (and others) are finding it useful...I always wanted that, like if someone else reads something, I always want to know, "what bits stuck out for you and why?" Here's what I learned...Let's discuss, and I...I've had this story my whole life that everyone else already knows and they are all just waiting for me to figure it out...so if I do figure something out, why wouldn't I share it with everyone? 

Teaching was like that for me, all the other teachers telling me they had to learn the hard way, so I should too.  I feel like I've literally had no support my entire life. 

Agree with you San, it most definitely is taking time and work to re-wire those neural pathways

:hug: to you both and anyone else who stops by...

At the start of this latest round of "healing journey" a few months before I found this community, I read these excerpts of things I read in some article:

Amazing things can happen when we get a say in our own care. We feel heard, respected, empowered, encouraged, and motivated. We feel able to pursue self-determination, a life of our own choosing. Our uncertainties and fears can be replaced with hope and optimism.

It all happened because my doctor treated me and not my diagnosis. He focused on recovery, not symptoms. Our relationship was built on empathy and compassion.
 
Most people feel they have little say in their care. I was angry and wanted to call attention to this situation, especially since there has been little research in this area. I turned to the Department of Psychiatry, School of Medicine, Yale University to help me do that. They expressed immediate interest in helping me. I am now working with Dr. Mark Costa and Dr. Anthony Pavlo to study these treatment issues. They have dedicated their careers to improving the lives of those with mental illness.

That's when I started doing my own research, my own understanding hasn't stopped there, and I have like, these thoughts and concepts and plans and ideas, but there's just so much else, so many other things that need my attention...so I just wanted to leave this here to remind me (Future Me) to work on them. Remember them.  Do something about them now :)

Here's something else I had saved, that I wanted to reflect on...


The more you're in a thriving relationship towith yourself, the more the relationships around you will thrive.

Actually, it's not so much that my relationships around me are thriving, it's that the more I've been giving myself what I need, the more I recognize I've been settling for less than the bare minimum of everyone around me, and as I continue to practice the concept of letting go of core hopes, the easier it is for me to see that these aren't people I want around me anyway.  We deserve better.


...because you'll know who you are, know what you want, know what your boundaries are, what you're going to put up with, and be able to communicate your needs because you're in tune with them.

I had to actually reflect on the relationships I did have, and listen to myself, as I work on re-parenting, to discover what it is I want to feel, want to hear, how I want to be treated...by my friends, by my work, in any and every relationship I have.  But in order to work on it, you need to actually BE in a relationship, and I had only been in one, with an individual that has absolutely no interest in me as a human being.  I spent years allowing my friendships to replace "how to model a family" as my manual for understanding how families work. And asking those friends about their relationships with their partners to understand what to accept and what not, but I got it all wrong.

...in relationship to self, you'll actually just feel more fulfilled

Is it because, everyone secretly has the hope that they will have the perfect person that will understand them 100% in an out and really KNOW them, but that person doesn't/can't exist, and no one will ever know you like you know yourself?

...they're often abandoning or betraying their own boundaries and their own needs, prioritizing others, diminishing or repressing what they're feeling, what they're needing - Well yes, I had to do this at work, because the moment I attempted to take care of myself...well, we all know how THAT ended... You know...I think that's the problem with these types of things, they all talk about how "co-dependent" people are about not standing up for themselves, being a victim, not having a backbone, but seriously, when our safety depends on it? We will do and say whatever we can just to survive.  People are just ignorant (Anger says hi  :wave: ). 


...to try to gain connection or love, but that's the ultimate self-betrayal - and when are perpetually doing that, part of repairing broken trust is learning to show up for your own needs, your own boundaries, take yourself into consideration when making choices and decisions in your life first and then do some reprogramming work so our trust baseline is stable.

Ha, sounds like what I'm doing now. 


...understand that you did the best you could in that moment with what was available to you at the time and with what you were going through.  Move the needle from giving yourself conditional self-love (only when you think you're deserving of being kind to yourself) to unconditional self-love (being able to give yourself love and kindness and compassion even when you mess up). Isn't that what you want from others? So why do you not give that to yourself?

Because I didn't know what it looked like. I had never experienced it.  If you don't know what you don't know how are you supposed to KNOW??? This is what I've been asking people and they don't get it, they just...are confused, how could I not know? It's a basic human need for me that has NEVER been filled. Everything I do is in some way asking for connection.  I do arts and crafts projects - I don't even think I ENJOY arts and crafts - because I want people to do them WITH me, I want it to be tribal, communal, a group of people working quietly together - interdependence.  This is all I have ever wanted to experience, and so every time I meet someone and they say things, hope wants to believe them, but they let me down over and over again.

I started thinking about my mom and her inability to tell me anything.  She didn't want me to be "disappointed" and in doing so she didn't teach me how to regulate hope.  So things hurt just a little more when I get my hopes up about something...like surely I could make ONE friend in two years that will go with me to a hot sauce festival...nope...Sigh. Oh well. Letting go of that core hope and giving myself compassion. 

...talking about the lack of not being considered, the lack of not being seen in how our parents/partner/boss does not have the ability to read hear/listen to/understand what is going on with us the way that our inner child wants them to. 

Sensations and perceptions shape the way humans see the world. The ability to take in information from reality and process it in meaningful ways allows people to form a worldview that helps them to understand life and make wise decisions. A lack or loss of sensations, such as cognitive impairment, creates a gap in the experience and makes it harder to understand events fully. A perception failure leads to misinterpretation of life and an inability to respond adequately to the current situation.

Yup, all of that tracks. 

QuoteIf you don't know what you don't know how are you supposed to KNOW???

precisely what i've had to tell myself many, many times when looking back on how i've been in relationships, especially about boundaries. i agree, EA, that we weren't taught basics about boundaries so we were not able to go into relationships and not only not know what was not ok to allow but how to enforce that.  lots of negatives there, but certainly many truths as well. i can totally relate to this.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San  :hug:

40 posts left in my old journal, and reading back on May 2021 -

A father said to his daughter "You have graduated with honors, here is a car I bought many years ago. It is pretty old now. But before I give it to you, take it to the used car lot downtown and tell them I want to sell it and see how much they offer you for it."

The daughter went to the used car lot, returned to her father and said, "They offered me $1,000 because the said it looks pretty worn out."

The father said, now "Take it to the pawn shop." The daughter went to the pawn shop, returned to her father and said,"The pawn shop offered only $100 because it is an old car."

The father asked his daughter to go to a car club now and show them the car. The daughter then took the car to the club, returned and told her father," Some people in the club offered $100,000 for it because "it's an iconic car and sought by many collectors."

Now the father said this to his daughter, "The right place values you the right way," If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you......Never stay in a place where no one sees your value.

Hi Eireanne,
That scenario with the father speaking to his daughter about the car, and never staying in a place where no one sees your value is really interesting. 
Hope  :)

I thought it was interesting too.  Thank you Hope  :)

From my journal a few years ago, and honestly my current base fear. Seems I have a running pattern of no one showing up for me when I'm at my worst.  I'm ok with that right now.  I'm doing good.  But I still want to leave this here to work through at a later point. 

Hugs to anyone stopping by.



I've always felt that if I had an illness that could be treated - like an eating disorder, or an addiction, that people would form an intervention, and show that they cared for me by showing up, and wanting me to get better, wanting to work with the therapist or doctor or whoever to get me to fight to be healthy, but what I feel is that no matter how I cry for help, people just aren't interested. 

The fact that I have to do this alone, that no one else is invested in my well-being really triggers my abandonment issues, and I keep getting close to...something...I shy away or distract myself because I'm afraid of what it will open.  I'm afraid the rumination will occur and I won't be able to see the answer and it will just fill me with anxiety.  So I keep on avoiding dealing with things.  I just feel so alone, and I don't know what to do or what I want or how to get out of my own head and stop thinking about the past. 

Everything happens in its own time, and this is the time for me to go through this, and I'm doing so much learning and growing, it's ok that it didn't happen before, I wasn't ready before, and I'm learning to be ready now.  Things here have been beyond hard, and what I'm seeing now is a shift in understanding. 

That the learned behaviors I had aren't necessarily true if I allow myself to see things from a different perspective.  It's still hard, as my brain wants to latch on to what it knows, even though what it knows is based on information filtered through a negative bias, but the more work I do on reframing, the more things make sense.

________________________________________________________

and this that I found from a bit more recently than the above...

I'm not going to be any more lonely or ignored than I already am. 

Why do I do that? Assume everyone wouldn't want to be my friend as much as I want to be theirs?

because of how long they can go without texting me - they all have full lives that don't include me in their inner circle...and my deep, dark thoughts that come up about inner circles, and how I've never had anyone that actually wanted to be that circle.  Like how C may well forget that she said she'd do a family FT and I'd have to be ok with it, and blow it off like it was no big deal. 

if it's any comfort, EA, you're not abandoned here. i'm here for you as are others, no matter what's going on with you.  you're working hard to figure all this out, and i give you a lot of credit for that.  love and hugs :hug:

 :bighug:

It is San, thank you.

Thank you Moondance for the hugs

 :hug: to you both

 :hug: What San wrote Eireanne  :hug:

BTW, I absolutely love the antidote about the old car!

Thank you Kizzie  :hug:  and thank you for this space, It is so very needed  :bighug:


__________________________________________________________________________________________

From the old journal, mixed with new thoughts...

My parents had issues that they did not address which caused me to miss out on many childhood milestones, I was a "parentified child", but I didn't know that.  They didn't have explanations for things when I was younger, I didn't have anything to compare it to, I didn't know what I was missing out on, I just thought that's what life was.  I didn't get the opportunity to develop socially because I had negative interactions with my classmates at school, and I always had a sense that I was outside of things...I craved something I didn't have the words for.  When I was a senior in high school, my parents moved to another state.  I made the hard choice to stay where I grew up so I could finish out my senior year with everyone I knew, instead of having to start over again in a new school.  Perhaps that was the first time I realized my decision had a ripple effect that altered the way my life could have ended up. 

On the last day of school, my father wanted to beat traffic back to their house, so he made me leave without getting my yearbook signed or getting a chance to say goodbye to my friends.  Because I am as old as dirt, this was a time before cell phones, we all had house phones and it cost long distance to talk to my friends, so I lost contact with everyone *I* had considered a friend. 

The worst part for me was that there were times I called my friends and they were out with other friends I had introduced them to, so like two of my friends became friends on their own? Then decided they liked each other's company better than they liked mine? I don't know.  All I know is they stopped calling me, and being home when I called them, then not returning my calls.  I would say 17 was when I had my first bout of being isolated, but it felt like depression, so it was probably both?

I have a habit of putting a higher importance to the friendships I have than other people I think...because of these lack of connections with people in my developmental years, and eventually growing into the role of taking care of my parents (it's the way I see it, countless examples where I was asked to take on a responsibility that was for an adult, when I needed to learn how to be a kid).  I feel when I got to college, I was so focused on being an adult, and working to put myself through school that I missed out on interactions I really should have experienced.  Not sure I'm expressing myself correctly, but the reason I feel strongly about it is because now, as a grown "adult" I realize I am grieving for experiences I've never had.  And I'm realizing that my life won't change until *I* do, which means making a lot of life changes, and I'm conflicted.

Part of me realizes the isolation is an opportunity to really take that time, without distractions to sit with myself and really get to know myself.  The other part fears dredging up things from my past that make me break down, and I'm scared I will end up in a spiral of depression, with no attachments in my life to get me out of them. 

This is why I put off dealing with it for so long, the exact lack of support and being at rock bottom and not having one person to hold space for me while I was there.  It's devastating.  I just spent a week with the closest thing to family I have so I could grieve a little while I wasn't alone...but it's more I built up a little bit of whatever lack of isolation is, so I could tolerate the next few months alone. 

I get that my parents didn't have it all figured out, but kids, they don't know this. They expect their parents to have the answers. What I needed was to be leveled with and told, "I don't have all the answers, but I'm here and I can help you find them, we can find them together, you are not alone".

Why don't people see all I've ever wanted to do was fit in?  In hindsight, I needed modeling, social therapy? What is it that autistic people get to train them the appropriate way to interact with other people?

I say or do something "wrong" and then people will just completely stop speaking to me.  All these unwritten rules I don't understand because no one ever told me.  I've been so conditioned to put other people first that I've missed out on a lot of human experiences that people assume I've already had because of the age that I am.  When people ask my age, I feel uncomfortable responding. 

To me, people ask your age so they can put you in a category, to assign you the appropriate box.  Oh, you are this old, so I will now assume you've had the following life experiences.  Since I'm still WAITING to have these experiences, I feel shame when people know how old I am...wait, you are that old and you haven't done xyz? This is a negative reel I need to unlearn.

The thing I realized last night is that all memories, whether good or bad, my body reacts to them as if they are occurring, so when I purposely let my mind go to a challenging experience, it brings up stuff I may be unprepared for. Like the other night when I realized the core of why I hate the way I look. It's all stuff I'm working on reframing and at the same time need to really find good doctors to supplement that work. I know now, thanks to this group, that experience is an EF

You know my entire life, my dad never once told me he was proud. One of my grandma's friends told me my dad was proud of me. I was like, no, you're mistaken (or something) and she was like, oh no, he talks about you all the time. And that's the closest I've ever gotten to hearing that. I'm proud of myself now. I'm doing really good and it's super hard. I've learned that I have an amazing network of support and amazing friends and fambly. I'm finally finding the person I want to be without changing who I am.

I wrote that when I was working through my trauma while still living with D, who was heavily gaslighting me and causing me more trauma, while I was also being bullied at work.  Since then, I realize all those people I thought and assumed were my support were a lie, so on top of everything else, I'm grieving that. 

At this point, I scored as an Anxious Preoccupied.  I heard something today that said we are all three which makes more sense to me, because I a) wasn't, and as soon as I was away from D, my score changed. I only want to be around the people that don't make me feel anxious and preoccupied.  This week has taught me a lot. 

From the old journal:

The funny thing is, he stayed and stayed while I was broken and now I'm getting better he wants to end things. Like he only knows how to be with broken girls. He even said he knows that he's just meh and ppl find that out once they see the real him. And I'm like, I've seen you for 6 years. So let him build a fake relationship with an insecure girl. I want a real one. I want someone that will actually take the time to get to know me

EA, 2 things you wrote really struck home w/ me -

QuoteI have a habit of putting a higher importance to the friendships I have than other people I think...because of these lack of connections with people in my developmental years

i think my friendships were connections to how i was supposed to be as a person, so they were of paramount importance to me since i didn't learn how when i was a kid.

QuoteYou know my entire life, my dad never once told me he was proud. One of my grandma's friends told me my dad was proud of me. I was like, no, you're mistaken (or something) and she was like, oh no, he talks about you all the time.

it was my brother who told me this (rather than a grandmother).  my F was the one i was always trying to please (still try sometimes altho he's been dead for 50 yrs -those old desires are often still so strong w/in me)  while i am proud of myself, all i ever wanted to do was make him proud of me.  never happened cuz i never heard it from him.

this crapola surely does wreak vengeance w/ our lives.  here with you on all this.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

You know that bit about your parents not letting you wait to get your yearbook signed made me feel really sad for you.

@San - I recognized I used a lot of my friendships in the past 15-20 years as models for my "manual" on "how to adult" and "how to family" by observing how the people in my life responded to their significant others, learning what was acceptable behavior, etc. but now that all those people have removed myself from my life, I recognize that I received a lot of misinformation that I accepted without question - and now I understand most people view me with the assumption that I have the same manual as them, a lot of my behavior and responses doesn't match what they expect, but now I feel that's on them, for not being curious, empathetic and compassionate, and are people that are not at "my level" and don't want to waste the energy making room for them in my life. 

In the separation between the space they took up in my (heart?) and what I was feeling as an emptiness and a hole, is now a freedom.  It's still hard, but...less hard, knowing I'm making better choices for myself.  I really appreciate you sharing your own perspective with me.  It's still something I'm working through, but feeling ok with. 

@Armee - I was really sad for a very long time, but it's just one line item in a laundry list of experiences I've never had, and part of the grieving I am still doing for that loss.  Thank you so much for recognizing it, and understanding I'm not mentioning it for "attention".  Appreciate you so much.

I've re-started a course I had to stop back in March, there were a lot of triggering aspects to the material that I had a visceral reaction to, so I wrote it all out and now am ready to move on.  There was this one bit that stuck with me, about how to re-think stress:


Normally, we interpret these physical changes as anxiety or signs that we aren't coping very well with the pressure. But what if you viewed them instead as signs that your body was energized, was preparing you to meet this challenge? You're going to think to yourself, "this is my body helping me rise to this challenge". When you view stress in that way, your body believes you, and your stress response becomes healthier.

It didn't come across as attention seeking not one little bit. Just a sad little example as you say in a long line of sad examples that add up to cause the damage that's been caused.

I really like the excerpt you shared at the end of your post. That seems super helpful for me.

Hold out your hand, by Julia Fehrenbacher

Let's forget the world for a while
fall back and back
into the hush and holy
of now

are you listening ? This breath
invites you
to write the first word
of your new story
your new story begin with this :
You matter

You are needed - empty
and naked
willing to say yes
and yes and yes

Do you see
the sun shines, day after day

whether you have faith
or not
the sparrows continue
to sing their song
even when you forget to sing
yours

stop asking. Am I good enough ?
Ask only. Am I showing up with love ?

Life is not a straight line
it's a downpour of gifts, please -
hold out your hand.

hey, EA, interesting bit about stress.  will have to think on that.

yeah, i've cleaned almost all those people from my life as well.  i'm definitely better off w/o them. in the end, they didn't treat me w/ respect, and as you said, no interest in finding out about me.

lovely words.  wish that i could take them in.  i hope you can.  love and hugs :hug:

@San - still working on taking things in.  Thank you for the love and hugs - much needed  :hug:

From the old journal


I did the best thing that I could for myself - I saved MYSELF from that environment.  Many people can't understand how I could just not speak to my parents again, they are MY PARENTS, I owe them everything, they clothed me, fed me, gave me shelter.  But they didn't meet my basic needs.  To know my own worth - in fact, the last time I spoke to my father, he called me worthless.  I even asked him to clarify, to give him the opportunity to realize what it was he just said to me.  I asked, "Did you just call me worthless?" and he said, yes, but it's ok because you're mother thinks I'm worthless too, so we can both be worthless together.  My mother? She reminded me constantly that she thought I was, "just like my father" So she thought I was worthless too. 

The way their actions made me feel as if they truly believed I was worthless.  Using my college tuition to pay for their house.  Moving to NJ in the middle of my senior year. Not helping me with college applications to the point it hindered my options. Not giving me the resources I needed to learn how to navigate adulthood.  Allowing me to live in unsafe neighborhoods and not intervening when I let them know after rent/utilities I didn't have enough money for food. 

This taught me independence, I learned how to survive - but not thrive. 

I didn't have any self worth, so I ended up not seeing the warning signs when I once again found myself in an abusive relationship, it's not that I didn't think I deserved any better, it's that I didn't KNOW any better, I'd mention a thing that D did and people would say, Oh my husband does that to, it's a guy thing. So I thought it was a guy thing that I'd constantly ask for my basic needs to be met and not have them acknowledged - or told that what I want doesn't matter, I just have to be grateful for what is.  I have the same thing at work - I've literally never experienced having someone ask what it is that I'd like to do and then actually do that.  The things I've asked for I just never got.  And it HURTS, because I want it so bad, I just want to be seen, I want to be heard, I want to belong, and I want to know what that feels like.   

Trigger warnings - The blog post I wrote about the abuse I endured during the pandemic...just need to leave it here for a bit to better process it.  Thanks for understanding.


There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelou

The psychological abuse https://safelives.org.uk/psychological-abuse started so gradually, I wasn't aware of it.  I didn't notice at first he was intentionally creating situations that would trigger me. 

They say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, I see every vulnerability I confided to him he twisted and used against me to keep me off-balance.   There were no fiery, passionate fights and bouts of him convincing me to forgive him...there was just him constantly changing the narrative of what was happening between us to make me doubt myself, and doubt reality.   I started to second guess myself, misremember things, be incredibly insecure if what I was feeling/experiencing was acceptable when he was consistently telling me (and everyone we knew) that I was behaving irrationally. 

When I started working from home full-time, he told me I needed to move from the space we shared to the other end of the house where I was physically and mentally uncomfortable.  It took me a while to realize that he did this not just to keep me isolated - we were already isolated because we were on lockdown because of the pandemic - but this gave him the freedom to do what he pleased in our former shared work space.

He spent his days drinking, getting high, playing video games and chatting with a variety of people online, mostly women.  I tried to connect with our friends, and confide to them what was going on, but it seems everyone was going through some kind of crisis at the time.  I felt shame in not knowing how to get the help I needed.

After months of continued psychological and emotional abuse, his family invited us to visit. I used that opportunity to tell them what was going on, framing it in a way that I was concerned for him - his increased use of drugs and alcohol, his erratic behavior, his cheating on me.  It backfired, and he forced me into the car in a rage, driving at speeds where I was terrified, forbidding me to ever speak to anyone in his family again. 

He told me I wasn't allowed in our shared bedroom any longer, he couldn't trust me and didn't want me sleeping next to him. I had to take advantage of opportunities when he was distracted just to shower, or eat. My closet was in the master bedroom, so I'd need permission to go in to get a change of clothes.  If I went in without asking he'd pick me up by my neck and drag me through the house.  He started buying knives - switchblade, hunting, utility - new knives arrived from Amazon almost daily and he would sharpen them and flick them open in my general direction.  Then he bought a gun.  The abuse intensified.  By this point, I had moved what stuff of mine I could fit into a small room at the far end of the house, pushing a bookcase in front of the door so I could try to sleep at night. 

I felt separated from everything and everyone, no one checked in on me and nothing felt safe.  Whenever I would try to bring it up with someone, it was too much for them, most people don't want that responsibility.  They'd pass it on to someone else...you should talk to someone, you should see a therapist, don't you have any family to talk to...it was the most isolating time of my life. Ha, little did I know then It was near impossible for me to get the distance I needed from the situation to see it clearly, and he was constantly convincing me I was behaving irrationally and would explain away his behavior in a way that made it seem I was controlling, jealous, insecure and crazy.  I truly felt like I was losing my mind. 

He'd wear away at me until I broke down, then he'd threaten to call and have me put on a psych hold.  Taken away.  I had nightmares of being put in restraints and medicated – missing work and losing my job while he assured everyone that it was for my own good - telling them I was a danger to myself...I still have trouble sleeping through the night. 

I tried again and again to confide to people what was happening, but I discovered he had already been planting the seeds in everyone's mind how unstable I was, how embarrassing it was that he had to deal with my "crazy" and how he was actually the victim. I kept hearing the same thing...it didn't seem like him, every couple experiences strain in their relationship, it was just a 'rough patch', I just needed to be more supportive of what he was going through. 

One time he hit me in a rage and I called the police...it took them 45 minutes to arrive.  By that time, he had calmed down, even made himself tea (and offered some to the police when they arrived) .  Played the "sorry she's bothering you, see what I have to endure?" card, while I was shaking and crying and begging them for help.  I didn't know what I needed to do.  They seemed annoyed I was wasting their time.  I had no bruises.  I had no history of calling them before. They repeatedly asked me if I felt unsafe, why didn't I find somewhere else to live? Why didn't I go stay with a friend? Don't I have family? He just stood there among them, smiling at me, sipping his tea.  I couldn't think what to do or say to get them to take me seriously, I felt dismissed, unseen and unheard.  I asked them how could I communicate effectively with him standing right there? They told him to go for a walk so I could "cool off".  They didn't take any official statement or offer to give me any protection, resources or help. 

Next, I went to the landlord and asked to remove him from the lease so he'd be free to move out.  It took months of him procrastinating and making excuses, and when he finally moved out, once again re-writing the narrative, he took most of my belongings.  It was then I learned that he took the opportunity to tell the landlord "his side" and the landlord wouldn't change the locks - he only moved a half a block away.  I feared him coming back, showing up because he "forgot something", I'd wake up at the slightest noise wondering if he was coming back in to kill me.  When my lease was up, I moved out of desperation, and I made a list of everything I lost when I was with him, both material possessions and the parts of myself I felt he "broke". 

Over time, I have slowly been able to replace the things that he took...but it's been hard.  I lost most of the people I considered to be friends and family at the time, either lost through the pandemic, or lost through his gaslighting.  I still feel shame for what I endured, how much I demeaned myself to survive.  I still haven't been able to fully grieve the multiple losses from the past 3 years.  There are days when I'm just "surviving" but slowly, as I heal the parts of myself, I am learning how to speak my truth and be my own advocate, as well as an advocate for those who may be going through similar things, but haven't been given the opportunity to have a voice. 

When the storyteller tells the truth, she reminds us that human beings are more alike than unalike... A story is what it's like to be a human being-to be knocked down and to miraculously arise. Each one of us has arisen, awakened. We do rise. ~Maya Angelou

 

Some people know my relationship ended sometime during the pandemic.  A few others knew I moved, but didn't understand why I needed to move again. And again.  How I've had to remain one step ahead of him, because all it takes is one well meaning mutual acquaintance to casually mention where I live now.  I've had to consider if it's ok to send Christmas cards.  Or ask for help moving.  Or letting new acquaintances and colleagues know that I'm still living this.  This is the first time I've shared the full and complete story...my version of it anyway.  And now I just feel embarrassed that it's so long, and I come across like a poor little snowflake who couldn't handle her boyfriend breaking up with her and talking to a few people on the internet.  I still feel so much shame at the way he made me feel inside my skin, inside my head.  I didn't know intimacy, I didn't know love, I knew to anticipate the mind frame of everyone I've ever been intimate with to try to say or do the right thing to mold myself into what they expected me to be. 

 :hug:

I'm so sorry

You're not your mistakes or your failures.

You are not the experiences you had growing up, the difficult relationships you were in or the struggles you've faced.

Know that the ups and downs of your life have made you into who you are today.

No need to deny your pain and feel ashamed about it.

Fully accepting and embracing everything you've confronted and dealt with in life allows you to live from a powerful center.

You are stronger today because of the mistakes and failures of your past.

Your mistakes are your experience. Your failure is your wisdom.

 :hug:

Thank you Armee and Moondance  :bighug:

Dr. Harry Barry: Overcoming Panic Attacks

The biggest fear for a person with a panic attack is when they're going to have to become absolutely totally anxious all of the time - when is it going to happen next? They never get any warning - that's the problem. You might have a break for three weeks, four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks, maybe three months and think, "they've gone away" and then bang back it comes again. We call this the fear of fears.

All these things, whilst they might seem at first glance to be helping the situation are actually making it worse because the more your emotional brain senses a danger by you trying to do these things the more you unfortunately perpetuate it.

If you imagine your feet were stuck to the ground (unpleasant) and let the symptoms flood, by experiencing the symptoms - it's these symptoms and letting them happen... what actually happens is the brain, the emotional brain, begins to see there's no more danger and it then looks around, sees there's no danger and begins to turn off.

He then said it again, a slightly different way:

The amygdala senses you that you picked up a danger, so it automatically fires (because that's it's job) and once it fires, it leads to this form of flooding. Letting these symptoms come, letting them swamp all of you, and the great thing is we know that when you expose the amygdala to the danger by accepting these symptoms as uncomfortable, the brain begins to realize it isn't really in danger so it begins to switch off the flood.

I will think about this some more but my initial thought is this is very applicable to me.

Thanks for sharing Eireanne.

 :hug:

QuoteFully accepting and embracing everything you've confronted and dealt with in life allows you to live from a powerful center.

hey, EA, i've found the above, 'fully accepting' to be a tremendous trial for me, let alone embracing it. am not even close to the second part yet, but realizing and accepting have proven to be great challenges to me. just reading this made me tighten up as if protecting myself from some new pain/hurt.  it's amazing/weird how such statements can exact very different responses from individuals.

you have certainly put in a lot of time and effort researching all this.  wow!  i can't take in half of what you write - it gets overwhelming for me.  and, i'm not suggesting you stop - these are my own issues - but it helps me see just where i am and what kinds of things bother me.  such as 'fully accepting'. it struck a chord w/ me.  thanks for all the info.  love and hugs :hug:

@San - it's incredibly triggering for me as well.  And a lot of what I leave here are things I read that I need to process to understand why it's triggering.  In my other journal, I let my "parts" rip things I'm listening to to shreds, to figure out why I have such reactions to things I read.  Exactly what you said - it's amazing/weird how such statements are interpreted so differently by individuals. I have been exploring so much of this...messiness of language, how so many people in my life got my relationships WRONG, kept telling me I was co-dependent (A HUGE trigger word for me) and depressed and anxious and having panic attacks, so I'm listening to all these saved videos and articles that I was being inundated with, and couldn't process any of it then, because I was reacting...the part of my brain that KNEW on some level people weren't listening.  The voice that screams BS...and so I leave it here because if I'm confused/angry about something - I know a lot of us in here are.  And I keep meaning to respond to your journal...but I think I might do it here, so if what I say ends up being upsetting, you don't have it sitting in your own journal...if that makes sense.  I just sometimes have really strong opinions about something and I don't often take the time to confirm whether I'm actually understanding what a person is saying, and not just how I'm reading it (and I realize that when I let my different "parts" read things, they all have different answers...and when I stop to listen to them, I get past why I'm being triggered and can sometimes get down to the root cause.  It's that place I need to keep myself for therapy in a few hours...

Radical acceptance is *not* approval or liking something, rather it is the active choice to recognize when we do not have control over a situation and practicing acceptance of a situation that is our reality.

We can practice radical acceptance through asking ourselves "what would I be doing if I accepted this situation?", coping ahead (see creating routine or coping strategies for your specific situation), and recognizing there a series of causal factors that lead up to any event as to why it had to occur just this way that you may never know why or have been able to control in the first place.

Radical acceptance is to understand that acceptance is not about getting rid of emotions or pain but rather recognizing "pain is inevitable and suffering is optional". We suffer when we are trying to change a situation that cannot be changed. We can all learn to live with pain and still live a meaningful life.

A breakdown is not merely a random piece of madness or malfunction, it is a very real – albeit very inarticulate – bid for health. It is an attempt by one part of our minds to force the other into a process of growth, self-understanding and self-development which it has hitherto refused to undertake.  If we can put it paradoxically, it is an attempt to jumpstart a process of getting well, properly well, through a stage of falling very ill.

The reason we break down is that we have not, over years, flexed very much. There were things we needed to hear inside our minds that we deftly put to one side, there were messages we needed to heed, bits of emotional learning and communicating we didn't do – and now, after being patient for so long, far too long, the emotional self is attempting to make itself heard in the only way it now knows how.

The conscious mind is inherently lazy and squeamish and so reluctant to engage with what the breakdown eventually has to tell it. For years, it refused to listen to a particular sadness; or about a dysfunction in a relationship - it is in flight from or there are desires it sweeps very far under the proverbial carpet.

interesting stuff, EA. the more i read, however, the more i got triggered into a shame/guilt place, as if somehow my mind or i did something wrong. the word 'lazy' is very triggering for me - trauma around that one. so, i don't know how much i agree w/ some of this, or maybe it's my own issues.  but, an interesting take, new perspective about breakdowns.  love and hugs :hug:

@San, right there with you...some of these videos are just....wrong?  And I take everything with a grain of salt, but trust that it's triggering me too...listening to one on depression now that has everything just about completely "wrong" and yet I find a nugget of, "hmmm ok, let me think about that for a bit" so I leave it here in the journal to come back to once my brain sorts out the trigger.  Since different things trigger us, it may or may not work for you, I just hope nothing you read here offends you to the point you're upset with me, because that's NOT my intent  :hug:

Far from needing to be taken through reasons to trust that life is beautiful, depressives must be allowed to feel and to remember specific damage - and to be granted a fundamental sense of the legitimacy of their emotions. They need to be allowed to be angry, and for the anger to settle on the right, awkward targets. 

The goal in treating depression is to move a sufferersurvivor from feeling limitlessly despairing to mourning the loss of something in particular: the last twenty years, a marriage, a hope one would be loved by one's father, a career... However agonising the insight and mourning might be, these must always be preferable to allowing loss to contaminate the totality of one's perspective. There are plenty of dreadful things in every life - which is why it is wholly normal to feel sad on a regular basis. But there are also always a sufficient number of things that remain beautiful and hopeful, so long as one has been allowed to understand and known one's pain and anger - and adequately mourn one's losses.

Aside from the offensive use of the word depressives which I appreciate you crossing out there is truth in this last one for sure. Rug sweeping is not useful. Processing is painful but ultimately quite healing.

Agreed @Armee - there's so much in these videos that offend me, but I'm balancing out my "righteous indignation" and wanting to rant to trying to find the useful bits...and crossing out the words that are offensive.  :hug:

_________________________________________________________________________________

We can tell that our Unbalanced imbalances date from the past because they reflect the way of thinking and instincts of the children we once were. Without anything pejorative being meant by this, our way of being unbalanced tends towards a fundamental immaturity, bearing the marks of what was once a young person's attempt to grapple with something utterly beyond their capacities.

For example, when they suffer at the hands of an adult, children almost invariably take what happens to them as a reflection of something that must be very wrong with them. If someone humiliates, ignores or hurts them, it must – so it seems – be because they are, in and of themselves, imbecilic, repugnant and worth neglecting. It can take many years, and a lot of patient inner exploration, to reach an initially less plausible conclusion: that the hurt was essentially undeserved and that there were inevitably a lot of other things going on, off-stage, in the raging adult's interior life for which the child was entirely blameless.

In consideration of re-parenting:

In an emotionally-healthy childhood, someone is on hand to put the best possible spin on our behaviour.
We're given the benefit of the doubt.
We are assessed by what we might one day be, not by exactly what we are right now. Someone is kind.

A harsh judge might, for example, say that we were 'attention-seeking'.  Our caregiver imagines that what we most stand in need of is a hug and some encouraging words.

We might have acted rather meanly. Our caregiver adds that we must, in the background, have been feeling threatened.

It looked as if we were negligent; the caregiver remembers that tiredness could have had a lot to do with it.

Our carer constantly searches beneath the surface for a more sympathetic set of explanations.
They help us to be on our own side, to like ourselves – and therefore eventually not to be too defensive about our own flaws, whose existence we grow strong enough to accept.

In a good different childhood, the relationship with our caregiver is steady, consistent and long-term.

We trust that they will be there tomorrow and the day after. They aren't volatile or fragile.

They are almost boringly predictable and happy to be taken for granted. As a result, we develop a trust in relationships that spreads throughout our life. We are able to believe that what has gone well once can go well again and let such an expectation govern our choice of adult partners.

We aren't always required to be wholly good boys or girls. We are allowed to get furious and sometimes a bit revolting, at points to say 'absolutely not' and 'because I feel like it'. The adults know their own flaws and do not expect a child to be fundamentally better than they are.
We do not have to comply at every turn to be tolerated. We can let others see our shadow sides. This period of freedom prepares us one day to submit to the demands of society.  We can knuckle down and tow the line when it's in our long-term interest to do so.

At the same time, we're not overly cowed or indiscriminately obedient either. We find a sound middle point between slavish compliance on the one hand and self-destructive defiance on the other. ummmm.....

There is no particular script the offspring has to follow to be loved; the child learns that things which break can be fixed. Plans can go awry, but new ones can be made. You can fall over and dust yourself off.

The carer models for the child how to calm down, plough on and remain hopeful.

A voice of resilience, originally external, becomes the way the child learns to speak to themselves.

The carer does not see it as their role to remove every frustration. They intuit that a lot of good comes from having the right, manageable kind of friction – through which the child develops their own resources and individuality. In contact with bearable disappointment, the child is prompted to create their own internal world, in which they can dream, hatch fresh plans, self-soothe and build up their own resources.

Ohhhh that's how it should have been!!??

I didn't get any of that and I suspect the same for many of us.       

I really appreciate this info Eireanne - lots to think about.  Not just this post but all of them

 :bighug:

 :bighug: Moondance

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As humans, we are really good at noticing threats and weaknesses. We are hardwired for that negative. We're really, really good at noticing them. Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro, whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.

Being wired in this way is actually really good for us, and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.

Eiranne, thanks for your insights.  I especially identify with the ones about mourning ones losses.

People don't listen, no one truly listens, even when it's in print, you go back, you re-read and people aren't responding to what you are saying, because they are in the middle of a thought, they are finishing a thought, you are responding to it completely different than with the intent they are saying it...no one effing listens to each other.  And when it gets like that I feel like I'm underwater, inside out, so far away.  It doesn't even matter, nothing matters.  I don't even feel like a person most of the time, I feel like "the observer" like in this really bad movie I was watching the other day. 

I've been saying for so long, I want someone to listen to my story, I need to just write the story....and just keep writing it, and let all the parts say everything they've always wanted, and just listen to myself.  Because no one else is going to.  They don't know how.  They are too busy hearing the story hearing what someone is saying is telling them. 

Those are the conversations I want to have, those are the people that are for me.  The ones that see and want to talk about the story behind the story, but everyone else is too focused on fixing their own trauma (or numbing it with distractions).

It's just not fully formed, and it's so much easier when there are people...so I just have to keep digging.

 :hug:

QuoteAs humans, we are really good at noticing threats and weaknesses. We are hardwired for that negative. We're really, really good at noticing them. Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro, whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.

EA, i don't really agree w/ this. i often go back to babyhood, how babies react to themselves and the outside world. i do believe we are hardwired to notice threats - that's a survival instinct, isn't it? but, i don't quite understand the 'weaknesses' bit, or being hardwired for the negative. we aren't born with shame or guilt - those are placed on us by others. and i've learned and fought w/ myself not to categorize emotions as good or bad - they're just emotions.

anyway, just my 2 cents.  provocative stuff here. 

and, i agree w/ you that you deserve to have your story heard. i've found that w/ my T, but not really w/ anyone else, at least not the whole thing.  one H knows a lot, and that was over 16 yrs., but there's really not enough time for the whole of it. love and hugs :hug:

Thank you so much to everyone that is reading and offering thoughts, perspectives and hugs, I feel bad that I'm "down in it" right now and I'm so focused on my own needs and understanding that I'm not being the people pleaser and responding thoughtfully in kind.  It's really not in my nature and bothers me, so please don't take it personal, my lack of responding to your kindness. 

 :hug: for everyone supporting me here, and for being patient with me as I work through this mess.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Not the actual book, but a YouTube summary from someone that read the book - so it's their thoughts, not mine. 

Your subconscious is always working away in the background and it listens to all these agreements and it gets to work at making them a reality so if your inner dialogue is filled with a lot of negative self-talk like I can't do it I'm a loser I'm not worthy then these notions compound and your subconscious is going to find ways to put put you in situations which validate these beliefs and then furthermore compound the belief about them verse about you so

others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system so

nothing they think about me is really about me but it is about them and you may know the saying your perception of me is the reflection of you, nothing other people do is because of you it is because of themselves

all people live in their own dream in their own mind they are in completely different they are in a completely different world from the one we live in

when we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world and we try to impose our world on their world now whenever someone gives you an opinion of you positive or negative we must never take it personally so

all opinions do is give you a glimpse into this person's reality or their dream as the book refers to it so you know we're all striving to operate at a higher frequency but you know

all people are at different levels higher and lower and you'll notice this when you communicate with different people the words that they use how they communicate all of these things give you insights into their reality their you know their paradigm so don't take the things that others say to you personally because you know different realities different belief systems and different frequencies

totally agree w/ this, EA -

Quoteyou know different realities different belief systems and different frequencies

.

i think it's one of the more difficult realities to understand when in a relationship - what one person says comes from their own reality and vice versa.  i think this is why communication is so difficult between people in relationships because the idea of this is not widely known or respected. thanks for this. 

and no pressure on you to respond.  do your thing. love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San  :bighug:
______________________________________________________________________

Conflict Management for the Highly Sensitive Person

In order to be loved we need to be accepted, and in order to be accepted we need to be seen, and in order to be seen we have to tell the truth. 
We have to tell the truth about ourselves, what we're feeling, who we are, and that means risking rejection. But when you embrace the reality that if you are authentically you and you are authentically honest and there will be people who reject you and that that says everything about them and what they value and not about your worth, then you can start living in truth and finding your people.

Only...I've been trying to find my people my entire life :( Sigh.

So I'm reading something I had saved, and I come across this line:


You will learn how to say no and say it often.

And I understand the sentiment, but the context is that you will have so many social obligations, you're really going to struggle to prioritize them all, you social butterfly you - you're going to have to turn people away and only prioritize the best relationships!

Years ago, another "helpful" piece of advice was to say YES to everything, and I did. I volunteered, I attended everything I was ever invited to, yearning to just "you never know why you might meet" kindred spirits that would just be MY PEOPLE.  There are no people, there is always, and has always been just me.  Reading teen magazines and doing the "top ten things you need to make men swoon" lol or whatever.

oh...here's another one...and this is completely triggering so I'm just going to leave this here in it's entirety and then go away...


Build Powerful Relationships - If you want great people in your life you first have to be one. You can surround yourself with people who bring you joy, happiness and help you pursue your dreams. Learn how to be of value to everyone in your life while being completely selfish in the best sense. We've all seen relationships in which a "needy" person ends up repelling the very person they want to attract. Identify your personal needs, learn how to ask for what you want and set up a system to satisfy your needs consistently. This is essential to attracting success!
 

A few years ago when The Law of Attraction was all the rage, I saved a bunch of stuff on it.  This line: If you want to know what you are thinking about, notice the results you are producing in your life. To change those results, you will first have to change your vibration by changing your thoughts and feelings...

Brings up feels...so I'm leaving it here.

...and this...

If we don't do this, we're probably going to find ourselves on a hamster wheel. We'll keep working away at our path, but with no living source of divine inspiration driving our growth, we'll probably find it hard to change in a meaningful way.

We'll find that our old patterns keep resurfacing, because we won't have any conscious reference points beyond the ego to help us navigate challenging situations.
When we awaken the evolutionary self, however, we begin to have a very different relationship to difficulties. We're undaunted by what life throws at us. That's because the evolutionary self, the very impulse of evolution within us, is free of the constraints of our archaic conditioning. And it's motivated by a different set of values and cares than those of our small self or ego.
We can embody this part of us and put it in charge of life; we can be driven by its much higher motivations and deeper, truer instincts. We just have to become adept at "switching" to it.

Found this little snippet in the stuff I'm reading through

over and over again I'd meet people and try so hard to make it work, being used, manipulated, lied to and I put up with it - victim - no self esteem, no self-worth and people just sensed that, is what people told me - too trusting, too gullible so what's changed? I haven't changed, so what have I done to have D?

Worthlessness

Inadequacy

Ineffectualness

Devaluation

Impotency

Rejection

Uneasiness or not knowing what to expect

Helplessness

Boredom

Frustration

Deadening of emotions

Incompetency

Anger

Loneliness

Abandonment

Self blaming

None of us are aware or can see our personal aspects of underdevelopment. Your attempts to make the person understand how you feel about the impact of their behaviors and attitudes on you will fail, as they remain totally unaware. Your attempts to make them aware or get through to them will fail, and will be perceived as threats to their core essential self. This will bring out their defenses for protection. You generally do not win or make any headway, and can find yourself in a worse position than before.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

and it's opposite:

Cognitive behavior exercises.

remember what successes you've had in the past. Don't let anyone strip away your self-confidence. Stay whole.

Try to change your perspective. remember what you did to be successful in other aspects of your life and take a similar approach with work.  Think of what you've learned from the difficult working situations you've experienced. 

 

Confidence

Curiosity

Decisiveness

Empathy

Flexibility

Humor

Intelligence

IQ

Optimism

Perseverance

Respect

Self Awareness


Give yourself credit for past effort and success

How to make your accomplishment happen. Adjust your attitude. Write down your goal and look at it frequently. Create and opportunity to connect. Listen to self-improvement meditations. Create a habit of positive self-talk

I wrote this in 2017 I guess...

I kind of want to take a break from goal setting and just reset, and put my life on pause and get my head on straight before I do anything else. 

I really have to work on consistency and discipline, because I'm only doing the bare minimum now. Each month I want to add another facet to my productivity until I am at a place each day where I am getting my sh*t done.

Until I can get my responsibilities managed, ie, on a schedule and so that they don't take up the majority of my time anymore, I'll be able to start again. I really do wish I had more time to do things for me :-( I should probably do this as well, so instead of doing anything that I desperately need to do, I am spending a few hours d*cking around on the computer.

I literally could spend all day on my computer alone and still not be caught up on the myriad of things I fell behind on.  I need to start giving myself 1 hour a day just to be committed to going through things on my computer.


Well, I finally got my wish, now I can spend all day every day on my computer, catching up on the myriad of things I fell behind on.  Go me. 

I look at myself through other people's eyes or what I think they think of me. My mind has created a habit - a mindset of ideas - not a truth

I put my negative ideas in other people's heads...behavior stems from thoughts.

I personalize things.

It's my thoughts. I'm thinking they don't like me. I can't read their minds. there's something wrong with everyone, and I'm working on my imperfections. So at least I'm not in denial, right?

I have a skewed awareness...there's something wrong with them, not me.

Situations -> thoughts -> feelings -> behavior

Something else from 2017


I used to feel like I could do anything and now i feel like I can't do anything. I did everything myself from an early age, I had to learn how to be self-sufficient. I could do my own taxes, I could change my spark plugs, but now i feel like I can't do anything, I can't do my hair, I can't do my makeup, I can't dress myself, and I can't do any of the adulting things - I am so tired of being me, so tired of always having to do everything myself I just want someone else to do it, I know the things I need to do that will get me closer to getting out of my depression but I don't do them, I don't do any of the things, because I'm so afraid that it's too late. I'm afraid to try. I'm waiting for someone else to tell me to do it, waiting for it to be an assignment, or D who says, "do it for me" so why can't I just do it for myself?

I only remember the negative in every memory, D remembers the good - why do I choose so hard to hold on to the negative - I distort what people say to me only to hear the negative and what if the fact that I'm so real be the reason I got fired - I hate gossip, I hate mean people, I just want to be surrounded by good people and when I have to be around petty people it shows on my face and maybe the reason J got rid of me is because it showed on my face that I hated her and I dreaded our interactions when all I needed to do was be fake and bubbly and happy to see her.

This stuff is just so hard - I stand wuth you Eireanne.

 :bighug:

I attempted a Happiness Course a few years ago...

Week 1 – Measure your happiness (spoiler alert, I'm not happy)

Use your Signature Strengths

Honesty Your top strength is Honesty which means you present yourself in a genuine way and act sincerely. People see you as real: What you see is what you get. You stick to what you value and what you believe to be true.

Followed by Fairness, Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Love of learning

Try to use them in new ways every day for a week.

Week 2 – Savoring is the act of stepping outside an experience to review and appreciate it. Savoring intensifies and lengthens the positive emotions that come with doing something you enjoy. When you take part in this savored experience, be sure to practice some common techniques that enhance savoring. These techniques include - sharing the experience with another, thinking about how lucky you are to enjoy such an amazing moment, taking a photo to remind you of that activity, and making sure you stay in the present moment the entire time.  Today, practice the art of savoring by picking one experience to truly savor.

Daily Gratitude Journal Gratitude is a positive emotional state in which one recognizes and appreciates what one has received in life.  Research shows that taking time to experience gratitude can make you happier and even healthier. Take 5-10 minutes a day to write down five things for which you are grateful. They can be little things or big things. But you really have to focus on them and actually write them down. You can just write a word or short phrase, but as you write these things down, take a moment to be mindful of the things you're writing about (e.g., imagine the person or thing you're writing about, etc.).

Week 3 – Random Acts of Kindness Research shows that happy people are motivated to do kind things for others. Over the next seven days, try to perform seven acts of kindness beyond what you normally do. You can do one extra act of kindness per day, or you can do a few acts of kindness in a single day. These do not have to be over-the-top or time-intensive acts, but they should be something that really helps or impacts another person. For example, help your colleague with something, give a few dollars or some time to a cause you believe in, say something kind to a stranger, write a thank you note, give blood, and so on. At the end of each day, list your random act of kindness. Just make sure you've finished seven total new acts of kindness by the end of the week.

Social Connection Research shows that happy people spend more time with others and have a richer set of social connections than unhappy people. Studies even show that the simple act of talking to a stranger on the street can boost our mood more than we expect. This week, you will try to focus on making one new social connection per day. It can be a small 5-minute act like sparking a conversation with someone on public transportation, asking a coworker about his/her day, or even chatting to the barista at a coffee shop. At least once this week, take a whole hour to connect with someone you care about. The key is that you must take the time needed to genuinely connect with another person. At the end of the day, list the social connection you made and notice how you feel when you jot it down.

Week 4 – Exercise Research suggests that 30 minutes a day of exercise can boost your mood in addition to making your body healthier. For the next week, you will spend each day getting your body moving with at least 30 minutes of exercise.  Set aside a location and time (write it in your calendar!). Then go for a walk, do an online yoga class, or throw on some headphones and dance around your room. This isn't supposed to be a marathon-level of activity; it's just to get your body moving a bit more than usual.  Be sure to take a moment to notice how much better you feel after getting some exercise in.

Sleep One of the reasons we're so unhappy in our modern lives is that we're consistently sleep deprived. Research shows that sleep can improve your mood more than we often expect. For the next week, aim to get at least seven hours of sleep for at least four nights of the next week. Sleep is going to make you feel better— both physically and mentally.

Week 5 – Meditate Research shows that meditation can have a number of positive benefits, including more positive moods, increased concentration, and more feelings of social connection. For the next week, you will spend each (at least) 10 minutes per day meditating. Find a quiet spot where you won't be disturbed while you're meditating. Meditation isn't about the meditation itself; it's about building a skill that we can use later. Lots of people find it hard at first, but stick with it and see if it allows you to feel a bit calmer over the course of the week. At the end of the day, log when and how long you meditated in your preferred tracking system.

Loving Kindness Meditation Meta – work on practicing compassion. You use a mantra, may you be happy, may you be healthy – the science the simple act of doing this will allow you to feel compassion without the empathy that comes along with it

By focusing on your mental health, it can actually increase your productivity

If you're not actually getting your even basic needs met, getting extra money is not going to help you too much.  It doesn't matter and it seems like once you get your basic needs...

All kinds of actions, intentions, habits that people bring in.  That big 40% seems to control a lot of our happiness, and the good news is that, unlike other stuff, that part really is under our control. 


One of your last rewirements is one that research suggests will have a big impact on your happiness and that of another person. This week, write a letter of gratitude to someone you care about. For this assignment, think of one living person who has made a big difference in your life, but whom you never properly thanked. Then find a quiet spot when you have a half-hour free and write a heartfelt letter to that person explaining how he or she has touched your life and why he or she is meaningful to you. Your letter can be as long as you want, but try to make it at least 300 words or so. Then you must deliver that letter to the person in question. Just say you want to talk to that person without explaining why. You could read the letter to your chosen person over the phone or Skype, but for an extra huge happiness boost, we recommend scheduling a time to visit this person in person to share your letter. However you meet up, you should read the letter aloud. We also recommend that you both have some tissues handy for this one. A gratitude letter is one of the most powerful tool for increasing happiness because it can forge social bonds and really change someone's life.

you have high challenging things, but you don't feel like you have the skills to do them so that produces a lot of anxiety

Commit to one of the rewirements for 4 weeks
The hope is that by this point in the course, you have sampled several rewirements such as: using your strengths, savoring experiences, keeping a gratitude journal, connecting to others, performing kindness to others, exercising and sleeping more, meditating, and writing a gratitude letter. Pick one of the requirements from the course that resonated with you, one that you want to practice in earnest. Perhaps you want to tackle the rewirement that was the most challenging for you to complete or maybe you want to focus on the rewirement that had the most positive impact on your mood. Whatever your reasons may be, we want you to put this rewirement into practice for 4 weeks in hopes of making a long-term habit.
For reference, here is a quick breakdown of the rewirements:
•    Signature Strengths - using your top character strengths in new ways
•    Savoring - taking time to savor the things you enjoy
•    Gratitude - (List and/or Letter) - expressing gratitude for the people and things in your life
•    Kindness - increasing your acts of kindness
•    Social Connection - making connections with strangers and acquaintances along with scheduling time for the people in your life
•    Exercise - increasing your physical activity to at least 30 minutes a few times a week
•    Sleep - making sure you sleep at least 7 hours a night several times a week
•    Meditation - meditating for 5-10 minutes if you are a beginner or increasing your time in meditation if you already meditate regularly

Prepare for the Peer Review Assignment in Week 10

The 4-Week Rewirement Challenge is the basis for your only graded writing assignment.
Our guess is that you are taking this course not just because you want to learn about theories for living a happier life. You're taking this course because you also want to live a happier life yourself. Unfortunately, as we saw in lecture, merely knowing about the psychological research on behavior change is not enough to change our behavior (read: G.I. Joe Fallacy!). To actually achieve personal changes from taking this class, you need to put in the work and time needed to rewire your bad habits and strategies. And that's the goal of this final project: rather than just hearing about what science says about improving well-being, we want you to actually try a scientifically-backed strategy for improving well-being yourself. For real. And for more than just a week.

Making this self-improvement project a requirement of the class has two big benefits that fit with the themes of the course. First, making you change your habits as part of the final writing assignment increases the chances that you'll actually get around to making those changes happen. With the social support of your fellow learners in this course and your grade on the line, you'll be more likely to actually make changes that you want to see in your life happen. Ultimately, this writing assignment is a way of nudging you into the behavior changes you've wanted to make for a while but haven't put the time and effort into yet.

For this writing assignment, you will practice a rewirement for 4 weeks before responding to the writing prompts outlined in the Peer Review assignment. The prompt in the Peer Review Assignment will ask you the following:
1.    Which rewirement did you pick and why?
2.    Did you socially commit to the rewirement?
3.    Did you utilize situation support or goal setting strategies?
4.    How many times you did you PLAN to do the rewirement and how many times did you ACTUALLY do it? How did you track your progress?
5.    Did your happiness score change over time?
6.    How was the overall experience for you?

Make a plan! Think about how many times you will do your rewirement, when will you do it, where will you do it, who will you do it with? Having concrete answers to these questions will help you stick to your plan.

As I continue to read through things I've saved, I'm struck more and more about how I was trying to read everything like I was "normal" and not "me".  As I read through with the "me" filter, I realize the "advice" is faulty, and again, that's just for "me".  I don't want anyone else reading this start questioning their own understanding (unless it's helpful for them) as I'm still processing all of this for myself and not sure what I'm going to determine once I'm done.  I'm going to stop leaving these disclaimers, but I just want you all to know how much I appreciate this space to do this work.  Thank you for all the hugs and support  :bighug:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

With a fixed mindset, you believe you are who you are and you cannot change. This creates problems when you're challenged, because anything that appears to be more than you can handle is bound to make you feel hopeless and overwhelmed.

People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve with effort. This makes them happier because they are better at handling difficulties. They also outperform those with a fixed mindset because they embrace challenges, treating them as opportunities to learn something new.

The mind has a tendency to magnify past pleasure to such a great degree that the present pales in comparison. This phenomenon can make you lose faith in the power of the future to outdo what you've already experienced. Don't be fooled. Believe in the great things the future has in store.

This understanding kept me trapped for so long, because any time I got overwhelmed, I was thinking oh no, I must be in a "fixed" mindset and not - oh no, I can't possibly be an expert in every single aspect of my life because I NEED SOCIAL SUPPORT. I really truly believed I could improve with effort but everything I try doesn't work. Because relationships take TWO people wanting to make it work, and I was/am consistently doing 100% of the work, wondering why nothing is improving.  And the thought that what little I have experienced so far is the best it's ever going to be is downright depressing.

Here's another -

if you don't trust your judgment in the other person and give the relationship a chance you may never be with someone and you'll end up alone anyway. Why not take the opportunity to let go of your fear and commit to someone you feel a connection with?

Because I feel connections with people that manipulate and take advantage of me.  I have settled for so little in my life, from my family, from my "closest friends" that when a person shows the SLIGHTEST interest in me I just take that and accept it, because 1% attention is better than 0% - and as the article says, "you'll end up alone anyway"

Think about a situation that you would like to change. I want to feel less isolated/abandoned/rejected

Feel for where in your body you feel the anger, frustration, hurt, etc. Close your eyes and let an image come to you for how you envision it. Recognize that this feeling is what has caused you to reach for a crutch, to blame the other person, to blame yourself or to avoid dealing with it entirely.

Realize that as long as this energy exists within you that the same situations will continue to show up. great, thanks

Turn from this feeling for a moment and ask yourself, "What DO I want to feel?" loved, accepted, belonging, supported

Then ask God or your angels or your Higher Self to allow you to feel that.

Then just focus on feeling it. Close your eyes and tell yourself "I INTEND to feel peaceful in this situation and with this person."

Then just focus on breathing in and out and allow yourself to feel it.

Do that for until you start to feel the relief of just focusing on feeling peace, love, safe, etc.

Now go back to where the negatively charged feeling is in your body and surround it with the feeling you've been practicing.

Some people see this as light surrounding darkness.
Breathe into that darkness and tell it. I am ready to let you go and I now release you.

It may take you several breaths to exhale the darkness out of you.

Be determined to move forward with your life, with your growth and be willing to face any darkness within you. You will have to face all of it eventually. I always think it's easier to face it proactively on my terms than wait for that energy to manifest a crisis for me to have to handle it then.

I had to be willing to forgive others by no longer being willing to hold onto the emotions I had attached to them and what they had "done" to me.

I had to be willing to face up to the times I had exhibited less than perfect behavior and apologize to those I had projected my feelings on.

And I had to be willing to forgive myself.

Retraining our brain and releasing old patterns to allow space for new, healthier patterns is a powerful way to affect change. The truth is that we have immense power within. We have the power to change our thoughts and when we change our thoughts, we can then begin to alter our patterns and behaviors. We have the ability through neuroplasticity to create new neural pathways that serve us rather than working against us.  It's all about the inner mindset. The key to true beauty is "putting on your Infit before you put on your outfit." Take a long look in the mirror. Begin to cherish and embrace you. Begin to shift your perspective, particularly the one about yourself. Change the stories you tell yourself about yourself. If you desire to look more beautiful, tell yourself that you're beautiful. Look deeply into your eyes and tell yourself how amazing you are and mean it!  Stop tearing your body apart for its physical appearance, and started appreciating everything that it lets you do. All the ways it allows you to live, cares for you, heals you, despite all you put it through.

You cannot let your past and the bad things that have ever happened to you weigh you down. Everyone has * baggage, some worse than others, but you've got to walk through life like you haven't got any. Like you're as light and free as a pretty little autumn leaf just drifting through the air.

If you feel you were broken – that someone broke you – then that believe is giving them control – do not give them that power over you, who are they to determine any aspect of your being? Yes, you may be broken, but if you believe you are irreparably so, and it will be that much harder to heal. You are a result of the combinations of past experiences have created, no one person or incident caused us, and a closure and release of all of these dramatic events will???

Hahaha...will what?  Still trying to discover that...maybe now I can :)

If there are unhealthy people or places in your life, consider decreasing their role. You'll find that the better you feel about yourself, the more naturally this will occur: If you treat yourself well, you won't settle for anyone that doesn't.

There will be moments when all you will want to do is quit, and there will be people who do not choose to stay by you when you need them the most. But strength is developed through hardships and solidified with time.

Not sure if that last bit is comforting.  But it's true?

negative feelings
being unliked
not fitting in
no one remembering my birthday
hating my job - no patience, always frustrated, no support

learn a new perspective - a new way of saying things. the feeling that others regard me as something to be shunned
the way my dad interrogated me - trigger
felt like I had no support - sink or swim

this is a time when you really need to care for yourself and find inner healing
people accused me of starting drama - saying things to others to intentionally start things.

J accused me of telling M things to start fights with him and S - yelling at me I am often a scapegoat and have felt like a drama magnet
often wish there were 3 of me haha now there are
peeling back onion layers vs feeling repressed
rewiring & negative thoughts

I am requesting some realistic strategies and tools I can use in my current setting.  I can use any and all support you have at your disposal.  Any information you can supply me with would be welcome and valuable.  I feel as if I've exhausted all the resources I know about, and I'm appealing to you for more options.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation


It's funny how many times I've asked this and been rejected.  I think instead of viewing it as rejection, the universe is just sparing me from wasting energy on things and people that are not mine. 

We have everything we need - already and always - because the everything we have is inherent in ourselves.

So if everything is in me, I should just learn to accept that's all I'll have.  And stop trying for things like love and support and connection and belonging, because I love, support and belong to myself.  *shrug* It's going to have to be enough for now.

I wrote this anywhere between 2014-2018

I go back-and-forth about writing, for so many reasons. Like how this pen sucks, and there's no comfortable spot to really sink in and get everything down, how my brain works so much faster than my hand, by the time I've got the sentence out, I've lost a fair amount of thoughts.

Or how my time should be better well spent doing something more productive, but let's face it – I've not been making the best use of my time. The most recent excuse for not starting is because of my rational need to have things be in chronological order, which is not how my mind works.

All these memories and emotions aren't coming in any orderly soldier's march, but instead sprouting up like (redacted) and I want to put them all in a box and deal with them in their own time.

Perhaps I need to incorporate meditation principles – acknowledge, then gently return to focus, but instead of acknowledge, take a moment to just write down the memories that come up so I can analyze them at a later date.

I need to get disciplined in a scheduled system of accomplishments instead of thinking about it, or waiting for specific date – time and time again, I think  about doing something, I may even start to do it, but I get off course, sidetracked, slip into old habits. I really want to change, but I don't and I'm frustrated that I consistently revert to the lowest common denominator, dragging myself down are allowing myself to be dragged down and before we know it, a week has gone by, a month, year, decade.

I allow myself to be lowered by distractions claiming they are waves of feeling accomplished, but lying to myself so that I can remain complacent, telling the universe that the  work is too hard, that I don't have the resources, the sounding board, the support system – and yet I do. I tell myself I can't, because there's no time and yet right now I'm nothing but time, so what's stopping me? I can use the walls to make a collage of things I want to, goals – vision board.

Which is literally where I still am, a decade later.  Sigh 

Relationships are not to find someone to be your missing piece, you need to be your own person wholly for there to be someone to want to be with you. Doing it for yourself is the thing you have to do first.

Everyone always leaves - you are the only one you can rely on.

Like attracts like - if you don't need it, you are more likely to attract it. Learn how to not need something.  Nature abhors a vacuum. A lack of something attracts more of a lack of something. Vicious cycle. The present is always perfect.

Attachments to worldly things and even to people, with the greed and negativity that such attachments calls, are the source of human suffering. Actions based upon these attachments cause karma that hold a person's spirit to the earth plane. Karma causes people to be reborn again and again, for the purpose of resolving the situations. Each lifetime has a pre-life agreed upon the series of things to learn. what you send out comes back to you.

Put myself before everything else. Stop worrying about not having a relationship, friends, etc. because ultimately, these people I pin my hopes on are distractions

Experiences of betrayal leave us wounded and scared and suspicious of others. It makes us subconsciously push away what we want most.

Generate an appreciation for what you have in your life and forgive what didn't work out. If it was meant to be it would have. The universe was saving you.

It's very hard to do cognitively, just with your mind, to actually let go of the past. You want to work with this energetic shift in your heart, and it will actually shift your whole energy and cause your body to go into a healing process.

When I have anger I can't express, it comes out as depression. I mostly feel stifled, frustrated by lack of resources, security, stability. The more compliant she is the more her feelings and needs are ignored. But when I try standing up for myself, I drive people away.

No one has the right to judge how we feel or devalue our feelings. Feelings simply exist, and we are entitled to them. Identify and take inventory of your feelings about yourself, your life. Sad, hopeless, overwhelmed, enraged, how am I supposed to behave? Self-hatred, frustrated, always wrong. When your feelings are out of control they can interfere with both judgment and reason.

I understand that my parents had no idea how much pain they carried from their own childhoods, how little they knew about how to lovingly parent and how to discipline me with love rather than as a projection of their own pain.

If I had known or had been taught that love, confidence, acceptance and understanding could all be found and experienced inside of me...and that everything on the outside was a reflection of the pain I carried and even brought into this world, then I could have focused my attention within to create the intentions I desired.

I did turn my attention within, but I was looking for what was wrong with me that others would treat me this way. And because I was looking for what was wrong, I eventually created it within me as health issues, especially once I had left the parental nest and found that others in the world treated me much the same way. I stored all of that pain within and kept repressing it.

I have long ago understood that all of that repressed pain created my health and relationship issues, my career struggles and my financial limitations, my self-doubt in my own inherent abilities and the self-sabotaging I did to prevent the realization of my dreams.

What I didn't fully understand is that there was never, ever anything wrong inside of me to be released. There was only a lack of light within, a lack of love, places where I had unconsciously never allowed love to flow.

So this week when I do my meditations, I am no longer trying to push out the darkness. I am simply allowing the light to flow in and through me. I am focused on feeling loved, feeling accepted and feeling happy.

As you meditate this week, imagine the warm lights of love flowing into any area of your life that does not feel like love and allow this Love Light to fill your life and transform it. Allow the experience to just unfold without feeling like you need to control the outcome.

It seems like it's almost commonplace these days for someone to have some sort of an emotional meltdown. To the person having the meltdown, their mind is piecing together things that have happened, things that have been said or haven't as fast as they can to justify why they are feeling what they are feeling.

While we can easily look to our daily news for many examples of this happening, you can also probably look out into your own life and see others cracking around you. The pressure to surrender and let go of all of the repressed feelings we have inside of us is increasing...and it will continue to do so.

Yet our minds want to know what the outcome will be. Our mind wants to understand and have a vision for where this surrender will take us. And yet this is not surrender. This is the mind still wanting to control the experience.

You cannot know where surrender will take you until you do it...simply because as long as you are enmeshed in the vibrations of fear, it blocks you.
We are vibrational beings who can only imagine outcomes as far as our unique blend of emotional energies allow. As you clean the erratic vibrations of fear, pain, disappointment and pain from your emotional body, your vibration calms down and you feel more at peace.

Hu Dalconzo taught me that there are 7 primary Ego manifestations...signals for me to know when I was stuck in Ego. They are:

1. An increase in old dysfunctional behavior - If you find yourself going back to behaviors you already know do not work for you, but you feel compelled to do them anyway...this is one way your ego is holding onto the past.

2. Distinguishable amounts of yelling, crying, talking, excessive activity, physical ailments or illness. - All of these distract you from keeping your focus on what is really happening, what you are really feeling and your ego does not want to face.

3. Feelings of depression, anxiety, numbness, disassociation, being "zoned-out." - These separate you from from experiencing the peace and calm of your Self. As long as you allow your focus to stay on what isn't working instead of facing it head on, you stay stuck in ego.

4. An increase in compulsive behaviors such as alcohol, drugs, sex, food, TV watching. These are all tools the ego uses to distract you from facing what is happening within.

5. Feelings of confusion, uneasiness. This is a normal experience we all go through as we start to face the emotional storms within. It is merely a layer of fear to move through. It is the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen when we face what we have been avoiding and even how much is there.

6. Feelings of anger, hatred or resentment. This is the rational lie that our ego's tell us...that someone outside of us is responsible for our pain. Our ego tells us that what they are saying, doing or not saying or doing is the cause of our pain. Yet this is living in an ego identified state. For as long as we believe that anyone in our outer world is the cause for what we feel in our inner world, we are powerless to change it. It is only when we truly grok that what is happening outwardly is a direct reflection of how pure and clear our emotional body's vibration is...that we can boldly put our focus where it has to be for our lives to change.

7. Justifications and Rationalization. Our ego minds come up with all kinds of excuses not to grow and change. We justify our behavior for why we feel what we feel...instead of just feeling it. We rationalize why the other person is wrong and blame them for not acting the way we want...instead of understanding that they are the reflection of the very vibrations we need to release. As long as we continue to justify and rationalize our behaviors, we are stuck in ego and as long as we are stuck in ego, we will continue to experience the same life circumstances.

everything happens in its own time, and this is the time for me to go through this, and I'm doing so much learning and growing, it's ok that it didn't happen before, I wasn't ready before, and I'm learning to be ready now.  Things here have been beyond hard, and what I'm seeing now is a shift in understanding.  That the learned behaviors I had aren't necessarily true if I allow myself to see things from a different perspective.  It's still hard, as my brain wants to latch on to what it knows, even though what it knows is based on information filtered through a negative bias, information I received that was based on incorrect information, but the more work I do on reframing, the more things make sense.  I know what I said probably doesn't make sense, but one day, when I'm ready, I will explain....it will be hard, but I trust that you are my very good friend and will be supportive of me no matter what.  (she now says to herself)

There is good in everything if you just learn how to reframe it.  My issue is, how can I reframe that which I've never experienced? If, as a child, my family was my entire universe then I was led to believe that that is just the way things are. I don't know there's an alternative because this is all I know. I don't know HOW to fight another way, I don't know how to express myself another way, I want those things modeled for me and I don't know where to find the answers I need. 

Think thoughts the size of the success you would like to have. This subtle element is fast and powerful. It will manifest in your life.
Then that's what I need to start doing.  I need this time, where the answers I'm looking for and the things I am reading will sync up. 

The power to control your experience starts with your thoughts. What life expanding thoughts will you generate today?

What you focus on, you create. So focus your attention consciously, and do not allow your attention to stray to results that you aren't interested in manifesting. Because you can, and will, create more of what you are focusing on...releasing something that you were ready to let go of... but also to pause after the moment of release to truly enjoy and recognize the beautiful ripples in that moment.

The more we look within for wholeness, the greater will be our acceptance of all things at all times.  "Going within" first takes a decision.  Next, it takes stillness, and then patience.  But peace will come.

First, I need to have wholehearted belief that something will come and that what I want IS out there and will be attracted to me.
I need to draw a circle of protection around my talks with my therapist and explain to the universe that I'm releasing those thoughts and they shouldn't listen to them, it's not what I want to attract to myself any longer.

Do not allow yourself to stay in a situation that is less than life-giving. Transform your circumstance through non-resistance by having a clear image of where you are going. The tiny stream knows in some part of its own nature that it is being drawn to a larger stream - and then - the ocean.

There is a magnetic pull towards the greater, and that same pull is at work in you and me. You can behave any way you decide to. 

I think it's reading things like this that have kept me stuck. Especially the use of the words wise and victim. It is NOT a child-like desire to want to be taken care of, and you can't be self-actualized if you're not getting your basic needs met.


Wherever you are right now you can do this:

Take a deep breath.

Becoming wise is letting go of the illusion that the external world is there to take care of you or make you feel better and understanding that only you can resolve your emotional needs and internal conflicts.

Because of our victim consciousness, many continue to transfer responsibility onto others and project their childlike desire to be taken care of
Because we have internalized and not fully resolved our feelings of vulnerability from childhood, whether we are conscious of it or not, we continue to perpetuate some level of victim consciousness.

examining our internalized and unprocessed feelings of vulnerability from childhood. During our formative years, our brain has an inherent mechanism to distort reality as to psychologically protect us from harm so that we can survive in our environment. Because some of the experiences we encountered in childhood created emotional distress and threatened our self- esteem, our subconscious mind creates defense mechanisms as a means of coping.

These defense mechanisms become part of our subconscious framework. Growing up psychologically and spiritually is accepting the painful reality that deep down, we all feel vulnerable and inadequate and to work through the anxiety, fear and sadness that this realization creates.

Another dynamic that keeps us trapped in victim consciousness are control dramas, which are also created in childhood.

When we become self-actualized, we step out of this paradigm. We realize that there is a third position; not to engage in either role and learn how to satisfy our own emotional needs. A wise person learns how to navigate relationships without being a bully, which means not desiring power or control over others, imposing one's values on others or manipulating others to satisfy internal needs. A wise person also learns how to set boundaries with others and communicate assertively. A wise person also understands that all interactions need to be an equal energetic exchange or a win/win situation because we are all energetically connected. If one party wins and the other party loses, this actually impacts both parties in a negative way. A bully/victim paradigm appears to be a win/lose, but is more accurately a lose/lose position. A wise person understands that cooperation is the only solution and every outcome needs to be a win/win.

If the reality is no one really cares about your well-being but you and that is OK. It is not wise to allow your well-being to rest in the hands of highly flawed and self-serving individuals.

whatever you have to let go of must not have been yours in the first place.

My observation has been that a person (guy, girl, whatever) will think of any excuse (no matter how trivial) as a reason to not speak to them again.  oh, I don't like your hair, or you're too short/tall/thin/small breasted/tall/fat/big breasted/too religious/not religious enough/too much hair/not enough hair/etc. And it could be one thing the other person is lacking...the wrong level of education, socio-economic status, car (or lack thereof) and suddenly the potential to find out anything about that person is gone. I've never understood that. I tend to overlook most things...but I started thinking...at what point is it OK to mention to another person, "hey, I don't really care for *this* about you" without coming off as insensitive? 

I get into a state of consciousness where certain things that had been eluding me find its way to the surface, and I long to have someone to be able to share that experience with. I want someone to be so keenly interested in me that making that depth of a connection was something that they were interested in doing, not just as an obligation, but knowing that those are the moments to me at least that make me feel like I'm in a partnership with someone who wanted to see my authentic self, because that is the intimacy I crave that if received I think I could truly blossom...not just for how I made them feel about themselves. So, in this coming year, I'm trying to learn how to be that person for myself. Which is quite challenging...it means having to rewire some deeply rooted beliefs.

I was listening to a Ted Talk, and she said, "as long as you focus on what it is that actually matters structures will cease to be relevant and your ripple will flow resistance free and take all kinds of shapes that you would not even have imagined" - and I think that is what I meant.  Everything will fall into place if it was meant to be. I'm not stressing about the details right now. My focus is on me, and fully knowing what it is I want before I'm able to present it to someone else and say, "are you able to fill this role for me?" Currently, I realize I'm uninterested in meeting anyone else's needs before my own basic ones are met.

I assume I'll forever be a work in progress, I'm just hoping I'll eventually connect with someone that is genuinely interested in being a part of that...not just someone who feels obligated to listen. Not sure if that makes sense...most of my thoughts rarely make sense to others, but I think it's because I have a hard time explaining...even when I think I've made myself perfectly clear, other people filter what I say through their own perceptions and most times comprehension is lost somewhere in between.

Worry – when do you worry? When a situation is occurring and a similar situation occurred in the past, which didn't turn out well, and you aren't clear on what steps you need to take to prevent the same thing happening again, like you look back and it's not obvious, Oh, if I had only done this differently, so when this happens again, next time I'm going to do THIS – only you're never clear what this is, and the more you try to prevent the outcome from occurring, you seem to be careening down the same path.  Then you worry that thinking about how to solve the problem from happening is causing a self-fulfilling prophesy, and everyone tells you you overthink things, so how to stop thinking?

"Almost everything you worry about happening never has happened" actually, everything I worry about HAS happened, is continuing to happen and I can't figure out how to CHANGE things.

They aren't negative THOUGHTS, they are negative things that have actually OCCURRED

My biggest issues are financial insecurity, feeling trapped in an inability to communicate effectively and not having anyone that has the time to help me verbalize these issues that weigh on my mind and grief over the non-stop losses that I experience. 

i hear you, EA.  love and hugs :hug:

https://youtube.com/shorts/Yix441VJ350?feature=share

Something I do regularly, and have a problem with:

When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person.

In the instances where I treat someone with compassion who is mistreating me, it gives them permission to continue to mistreat me, because I am letting them know that I accept that treatment, even though I'm verbally telling them I don't deserve it, and ask for what I do deserve.  I've spent so long thinking I must endure how everyone treats me, because it's some lesson I need to learn or decipher or figure out. Some karma of a past life I must be making up for.  Some flaw in my very being that makes the world reject me.  And so the kinder, more generous, compassionate I am towards others, the more I am hurt and abandoned. 

I have a "friend" who shares her life with me.  Right now, she is sharing pictures of a baby caterpillar she is taking care of until it turns into a butterfly...and I remember when I was a teacher, and all the other classroom teachers were doing the "butterfly" project, where you mail away for the kit.  I didn't get one (of course) but a fellow teacher would let me come into her classroom and look at hers every day.  It was the brightest part of my day and I really enjoyed it, looking forward to the release day. 

Only, I walked into her classroom and she was angry at me.  Accused me of purposefully sneaking in her room and unzipping the thing they were kept in so they were on her ceiling or something and ruined the whole release for her entire class.  Like I was so jealous that I had to destroy it for her.  Which is a theme in my life.  Being a scapegoat.  Being accused of things.  Like this one toxic job I had where this woman accused me of hiding the coffee creamer from her.

I don't understand, all these times in my life when people accuse me of things and just see me as a jealous, drama causing...all these negative things...because I'm just so needy and desperate to belong I must give off that vibe that people...just don't understand.  Like one friend I almost made a few years ago, and all I wanted was to go for walks and hang out, but I guess she thought I was like...trying to date her? I have no idea.  No one I interact with has any self awareness and just accuse me of things.  It makes me even sadder and lonelier, because they don't see me.  So I wear my invisibility and took myself for a walk today, crying the entire time.  Not even caring, because I'm so used to being invisible, I know no one is going to stop me and ask if I'm ok.  That's literally never happened.  I just go about my day with my companions grief and trauma. 

Also today is my best friend from HS's birthday.  After HS, I tried for years to be friends with him.  And he told me, "this isn't HS anymore".  I found out he left his GF and started a deep, intimate "friendship" with another one of my friends from school.  But had no interest in being my friend anymore. 

This sadness that weighs over every aspect of my being is the vibe I give off, the one of never knowing a sense of belonging, never fitting in, never really knowing how to depend on someone, because everyone leaves.  I look at all the photos of people that were once a part of my life and I just have to have gratitude that our paths crossed once before they moved on, and they all have rich, full lives while I sit in bed and cry. 

I just go through the motions of being alive. 

 :hug:

:hug: to San and Armee - thank you for the hugs as I continue to dig through the stored things in my computer and memories...

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no one takes me seriously when I can't rapidly form coherent thoughts...it's like, I know what I'm talking about, I just don't know how to say it

Something else I've been saying for years.  No one really understands me.  I am told by some how articulate I am, and I end up having A and B conversations with others.  I read (and deleted) an entire page of suggestions (I tried) to add "happiness" to my life and it's all BS that just makes me feel more sad and alone because people don't understand what I mean.  Companionship, need to feel love? Get a pet. Volunteer. Take your mind off your own troubles. Think about people less fortunate than you.  None of that comes close to what I'm talking about. 

I have such varied emotions I can't even label them all, it's too overwhelming
I can't break it down into simple needs/wants
hence the frustration
I have no words to describe my thoughts
I feel autistic
I forget simple things
like to say hello to someone
I'm too direct
and quiet when I should be talking
because I can't find the words
and people don't get that
so they think I'm antisocial
it's all very frustrating

it is indeed frustrating, EA, and i can relate. too many times things come out of my mouth before i can catch them, or the opposite - i can't say what i mean because my thoughts don't coagulate into words. and, i am on the edge of the spectrum, so i can see how that has affected me and my ability to communicate at times.  i'm better at writing, where i can take my time to think about what i want to say and how i want to say it. 

i watched that little video about empaths, and it made sense that they are attuned to what they perceive as the most dangerous thing in the room. i think her advice was a bit simplistic.  it's easy for anyone to tell us 'you need to do this or change that' but putting it into practice can be a whole 'nother can of worms. i guess it's why i don't usually look to online 'gurus'. it makes me feel uncomfortable rather than encouraged.

it's amazing all the info you've gathered.  gives me something to think about, and put into concrete realizations. love and hugs :hug:

Hi Eireanne,
I agree with SanMagic that it is amazing all the info you've gathered.  It also gives me things to think about. 

I also relate to finding it easier sometimes to write things down, than say them.  I rarely say things aloud or communicate them that way, but writing - it does help.

 :hug:
Hope  :)

I appreciate your words, San and Hope - I'm still struggling so much with every conflict I've ever had that has just made me shut down because I didn't have the words for what I was trying to say, or the words I did say were misunderstood.  I'm just trying to make sense of so many things going on that I just wish I had someone to talk to about...in bringing these thoughts here, we now all have a lot to think about I guess.

In re-reading a lot of what I wrote 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 6 years ago, there's so much unlearning involved and the same messages repeat over and over.  So many "don't care what other people think, you give them the power when you blahblahblah" and I came across this:

They are talking sh*t about me at work. And the reason they talk sh*t about me is because I think far too hard about them and care way too much about what they might be saying. Every day, I send the energy out that I am open and available for their sh*t. They react in turn. This is not about them - this is on me, it's a reflection of the ugliness in my own nature. The more time I spend counting my blessings, the happier I am. When you stop focusing on what isn't there, you stop needing it.

I hold my parts with compassion for taking on the burden of believing me being bullied was my fault and I deserved it because I wanted to feel like I belonged.  That if I just give up the hope of wanting to belong then life wouldn't hurt so bad. 

you didn't have the tools to emotionally process or make peace with at that time

what's happened is you've got all this negative emotional storage that's basically trapped in your subconscious mind and when something touches on it, it triggers it to flood to the surface and now you're experiencing the emotion from right now in the present moment - the thing that triggered all the stored emotion - plus all the sort of emotion coming to the surface at the same time.

The subconscious mind is programmed through repetition plus emotion.  You didn't come into the world with these programs, you got them through repetitive emotionally based experiences.

which means you need to repetitively and with emotion reinforce the opposite of them in order to equilibrate them.

start meeting your needs and hearing your own feelings - processing your own feelings first. We only can keep bringing past wounds into the present because we're recreating them on some level. If we were wounded all the way back in childhood why is it still causing us pain now? because our subconscious mind keeps playing this out. It has all this emotional storage here and it keeps releasing it to the surface, which keeps hardwiring that programming more and more deeply.

I need someone else to sort my mess out and tell me, "this is the most important thing".  There are times I am fully capable of doing this, but when I am in the middle of being burnt out, overwhelmed, triggered...I can't make the simplest decisions.  Which is NOT good when you are a manager. 

This is where it would come in handy to ask for those accommodations I need, but since mental disabilities are still highly stigmatized and not even remotely understood, I'm just supposed to be able to suck it up and deal.  Which means I am exhausted nearly all of the time, and get constant headaches.  I'm not even clear myself on what my accommodations should be.  I just want to be able for my boss to understand my learning style and work with me so that I can perform at my optimum, and it doesn't look like she's capable of doing that. 

This is now my 4th therapist and each one beforehand gives me everything they suggest, and I do their suggestions and ultimately I come back and say, ok, I've done the work, but I'm not getting out of this rut.  What else do you have? To the point where I just feel like everyone is giving up on me and I'm hopeless. 

People keep giving me reassurance, not realizing I need ANSWERS.  I need names for the things I don't know.

The first issue I have is that I tend to tell a story outside of linear time, or two stories at the same time, and I need to say all the words of both stories until I can get to the core of the problem*.  For example, I can complain about the way my boss treats me at work but it may be months before I make the connection that I'm re-doing a relationship/experience/situation that I failed in previously, and this is my opportunity to work through past negative experiences, trying to figure out a way to do it "right" this time.

And instead of giving me stuff to DO, people assume I already have these skills, or that I can just say, "stand up for yourself" (like that means anything). They don't get the trauma coming up about me losing every job I've ever had before.  That I don't have the positive experiences to fall back on so I'm not completely terrified. Terrified of doing my IRS stuff, which is keeping me up at night. I'm convinced if I had the right resources if I knew who to ask, or where to go....stuff I feel everyone else knows, but they just say, "I don't know what to tell you"

When I try talking to my current therapist about all this, she just reiterates I should be using my tools - and I'm like, what tools? What do I have? All she's given me is self soothing and basically the same (CBT exercises online) gives me.  It's not stopping the panic I spiral into because I can't do everything that needed to be done.  I'm running out of time. I'm scared, I have no emergency contact. I have no village.  I try to make friends but it takes years to get to a point where you can find a confidante. 

sigh

*My current therapist lets me do this, and she has no problem following along, knowing my stories spiral, knowing she's listening to my parts verbally ventilate what they need, because of my deep seated need to just be heard...she asked this week, "does anyone else in your life show up for you like this? To just listen to you?" I said no. At most, the people I have in my life hold space for the tiniest fraction of what I am trying to process, no one has the capacity to just really hold it all, and understand what it is I need - everyone just tries to fix.

When I say these things, people immediately jump to "have you considered talking to a therapist?"  meditate, yoga, gratitude journal - I even took the happiness course at Harvard - and it triggered a terrible depression bout.

Developing a resilient mind starts with learning how to cope with difficult strategies, and unlearning anxious behaviors. Reflect on how you emotionally respond to situations that you cannot control. Pay attention to your thoughts and recognize the ones that make you feel anxious vs. the ones that bring peace. Begin to eliminate the thoughts that are consuming, toxic or simply not helpful so that you can begin the process of shifting your perspective and strengthen your mindset.

I realized a long time ago, that one of my basic needs is to have somebody that is interested in knowing my story. Not just a short answer, but like the whole history of why I react to something a certain way. Most people think that is what a therapist is for, you just pay someone to listen to your life story. But I always feel like everything I am asked, I want to respond with also providing context. I want to be understood.

The insidious things about gaslighting is the denial of reality. being denied what you have seen with your own eyes and you know to be true. being denied an experience that you have had and you know is real. for me, the erasure of the abuse was worse than the abuse - it can  make you crazy, but you are not crazy.

number one is to remain defiant. the person gaslighting you will often try to bully you, but being defiant is something that does not make you difficult - it's being Resilient.

...in that moment was that she would never be able to take accountability for her actions, she would never get it, she would never say, "oh, you're right, you have a point" and that acknowledgement was not in the cards.

asserting myself was not just useful...but it was harmful, because the person gaslighting you will never be able to respond to logic or reason and so if you think that you can apply logic and reason you're going to feel let down.

Letting go of the wish for it to be different – it allows you to believe that logic and reason will prevail. You cannot rely on this person, not their words, not their actions. The person gaslighting you makes you feel as though the ground is always shifting beneath your feet and that you have no center of gravity. you want things to make sense but they won't. engaging with someone who is gaslighting you means you will never feel heard, so what's the solution? you stop engaging. you put yourself first.

number four would be to develop a healthy detachment. what had been adaptive as a child became maladaptive as an adult, so trusting was very difficult. I was always needing verification immediately.


I spend so much time trapped in my own head I need social interactions modeled for me. I need the appropriate behavior modeled, because my responses to things may be out of alignment with how a person without trauma would respond. I made the mistake of using "friends" as my model, but they just reinforced my invalidation. 

She says I take the choice away from the person by deciding for them that my ask would be too much of an inconvenience, and choosing not to ask at all because I don't want to be a bother. I can ask and then leave it up to them to decide. 

My issue with that is that bc I have trouble saying no, esp. at work, bc that's my job, sometimes I take too much on my plate. Then I end up stressed that I was "stuck" doing an additional thing. I'm not explaining it well. Like I've agreed to do things, even though mentally I was too drained and that's a trigger for my anxiety. I end up having meltdowns bc of it. So I don't want to ask someone to do anything for me, in case it's that one thing they agreed to take on for me.

The thing is, it's my #1 need is to have ppl do things for me, because it's the one thing I never had, so she says I should ask and let them make the decision for themselves. They might surprise me and say no, that they don't have the bandwidth for my ask. Something i just thought of, and not what she said: I need to be ok to start saying that to other people too.

That unsettling feeling that is leading me to want to distract myself is making me nauseous. I just feel so lost in it and if someone were to call me right now I wouldn't even know what I needed to talk about.  I keep getting so (parts) about people showing up for me, but I need to be my own company and sit with this for a bit.  The parts are really wanting to come out soon though...

Dysregulation - it's really important to do some work around whatever core wounds are creating this in the first place (Thank you captain obvious)

Re-regulation - until we recognize what our patterns are and do the reprogramming work around, them they can still pop up as being quite detrimental in our current life experience. Don't let yourself grow too lonely. Every problem of your character will grow worse when you're in isolation. (Thank you useless statement that doesn't actually say anything)

The feeling of loneliness is a gift that nudges us to reach out and connect to keep on trying to keep getting out of the house when it's tempting to hide out contact them just to express something positive and supportive for them don't talk about yourself in this conversation just show up for the other person - Don't talk about yourself give your full attention to the person who's with you and to really listen to them without jumping in with your own story (Thank you reasons why I didn't get the help, connections or support I needed for years)

not living in the center of your being carries huge risks because your own strengths are not being revealed and your own problems are not being exposed which would cause you and your circumstances to evolve

you can't fix something if you don't know how it's broken.

sometimes, even if it's not this perfect person who's very nurturing, we'll take what we can get.

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Me confiding to counselor in school that I was being abused and them calling my mom to ask her about it and me coming home to her beating me for telling them I was being abused.

Me being called to the counselors office because they thought I had an eating disorder because I was so skinny Me not being able to eat as much as I wanted after dinner because I "just ate" and now as an adult, me not understanding how to eat healthy or how to lose weight Me with overwhelming stress and no outlet to shut off my anxiety

people with the anxious attachment style tend to feel like people will always leave them – however, I don't have attention seeking behaviors.  I just get super depressed that once again I have said or done something to alter the relationship, and it's never anything I can foresee, because it's always something small, but always when I am super depressed, or needy and spiraling in my own head, so of course I need to isolate myself during that time. Lies I've been told to continue to keep invalidating myself and my basic needs.  It is NOT ok for people to abandon you just because you say you are going through a hard time and they just expect you to be "ok" instead because being in touch with your need to heal makes THEM uncomfortable
 

Childhood trauma physically changes your brain.  It makes your alarm system set off super easily. People often call this getting triggered. But what's really happening is that when the brain perceives a threat, the emotional part of the brain gets launched into high alert, and it basically shuts down rational thinking to a degree. You might feel super emotional or scared. You might feel angry, upset, or numb. You might feel detached or feel a desperate urge to leave a situation or placate everyone around you. Now, this is all part of the protective fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. And for people with childhood trauma it might last for days or hours or be chronic. Right? Now, emotional dysregulation  can make it seem impossible to function at work, at home. It makes it feel impossible to maintain relationships. But the good news is that you can learn to self-regulate. You can learn to snap out of the triggered response and back into the calm, thinking part of your brain.

10 ways to self-regulate, to calm down when you're triggered and get back to yourself.
 
Being hard on yourself for having symptoms that are in fact totally normal and not your fault.

Something would trigger me, and even though I knew it wasn't worth getting upset about, it happened anyway.

dysregulation. It's really common for people who had trauma in childhood and it literally involves your brain waves and some of your body systems getting irregular and out of sync when certain triggers happen. Now, some triggers you couldn't control if you really had to, but others are harder to control - or not until you've practiced it a lot. So if you get dysregulated you've probably figured out how to survive, you know, okay while you're dysregulated, but as I'm sure you've noticed it can make it really hard to think and focus and set boundaries and navigate your life, because when you're dysregulated, only part of your brain is working.
 
And doesn't this explains so much about why it can be hard to make a change that sticks, and why we sometimes make the same mistakes over and over? It is not our fault we're like this. It's an injury that comes from traumatic experiences. And the good news is there are things we can do to heal and calm those triggers. So what are your triggers? For a lot of people it could be a loud noise or a sudden shock or an experience  of being vulnerable or nervous or, most commonly, emotional hurt, like being criticized or  overlooked or rejected. And even when you know intellectually that the thing triggering you  is no big deal, when you have PTSD from childhood it doesn't matter. Once it starts it's like it's too late.  For those of us with CPTSD, it can happen more often, with more intensity, and it can be  harder to return to a regulated state. It can make it hard to focus, hard to get things done, hard  to speak and listen and connect. And sometimes it makes it hard to control emotions. It's a big reason why we struggle in relationships, and it also plays a role in why people who went through abuse and neglect in childhood have higher rates of chronic illness. Dysregulation has long-term effects on your central nervous system, including your hormones and your immune system and your heart and lungs and circulation. 

So learning to calm your triggers could have a very important ripple effect not just on your mood in your mind but on your overall health. And I'm just going to remind you again: It's not your fault you have this. You didn't do this to yourself; it's an injury, and it comes from trauma.

Notice that you're triggered. This is sometimes easier said than done, but as you start to study what sets off your dysregulation, you'll start to notice sooner than you used to that it's happening again. And when you know you're triggered and dysregulated, it's time to pause. 

Try not to jump in. Don't confront anyone or try to solve big problems or make decisions until you have your whole brain back online.  Second, say to yourself, "I'm having an emotional reaction." Or you can say, "I'm feeling triggered." You say it to yourself. You don't have to tell other people, necessarily. Just saying this to yourself helps you separate out the part of you that's getting overwhelmed from the part of you that knows what to do about it. 

Three: Make sure you're safe. If you're driving, pull over. If you're in the middle of an argument, put that discussion on hold in the nicest, most gentle, and caring way that you can because you're buying yourself a little time to get re-regulated. So you can say something like, "I want to continue this conversation, but I need to take a breather to calm down."  Or if you don't want to tell the other person that you're triggered, tell them you need to go to the bathroom. If you're on the phone you can say you have a call on the other line. Don't get into a big discussion about it; just find a way to put the conversation on pause, and then actually take some time. And if it feels urgent that you do something or say something or solve this thing, it's probably the CPTSD talking. And if that's the case, take even longer before you try to come back and resolve anything. All right.

Four is stamp your feet on the floor. It really works. You're just trying to help your body remember where you are, to locate itself in space, and to remember the left side of you and the right side of you.  And your dysregulated brain loves to feel the ground and feel where you are in space. That is a big way that it comes back into regulation. Okay. 

Five: You probably thought I'd say this first, but breathing. Take ten slow, deep breaths. Deep breaths are genuinely powerful at activating your relaxation response. And I know you know that, but sometimes we need our friends to remind us. And while you're breathing, just to get more sensation of your body and where to locate your consciousness, you can push your tongue right there on the back of your teeth.  Your mouth is part of that central part of the body where we locate our sense of self, kind of from head to chest. So mouth sensations can kind of bring you back into the center, back into your body.

Six is another way to get back in your body: Sit down. Feel the weight of your butt in the chair. Feel the surfaces of the chair and where it's touching you. 

All right. Seven: Eat something. Food helps you feel your body too. When you're stressed you'll probably crave carbs and sugar, but it's protein foods that will help you get grounded again.

Eight is - you can wash your hands. And while you're washing, pay attention and feel the water and the soap on your hands. If the water can be warm that's even nicer. I love washing my hands with warm water. 

Nine - and this is where your dysregulation is really going wild - you can get a reset for your nervous system by taking a cold shower. It doesn't have to be ice cold, but it needs to give you a little bit of a shock, you know, just like that kind of cold. And I love this one. It's good for increasing your energy as well. It's cheap, it's easy, it's powerful, there's no hangover, and it helps you re-regulate.

Finally, number 10 is get a good squeezing hug. And if no one is around, you can press your back into the corner, you know, where the walls meet. Press your back in. Wrap your arms around yourself so that you feel a squeezing pressure around your torso.  We're all wired to calm down when we're hugged, and that's pretty intuitive. Now, you can use these techniques whether it's a big emotional trigger that set you off or just a little thing  - But the sooner you can notice it and turn it around, the sooner you can forget the thing that set it off, and then you can get back to being you. You can use your mind and your focus the way you want to use them and feel more alert and open to the day. And when you're good at that you can be a little freer and a little bolder in your life, because even if you get triggered you know how to come back from that quickly. process of working through emotional dysregulation.

I disagree with some of this, but it doesn't mean it's not useful to someone else, so I left it in it's entirety with no parts comments

This is some advice I was given, by someone well meaning and it really upset me.  I wish I knew how to respond to being given bad advice, because what currently happens is people are offended that I don't do what they suggest, assuming it'll solve all my problems and then they think I just enjoy being miserable and don't want to help myself...so let's unpack, shall we?


Regarding the isolation, be intentional about creating connection with others. Create standing meetings to check in with other coworkers so that you are not going through long periods of intense isolation and heavy workload. (I did, regularly, it's not enough to fill my basic need of feeling connected). Be strategic about who you select. Find someone that you can both connect with personally and can support one another regarding work. Don't wait until you're stressed out to reach out for support.

Business speak is important. Take some quiet time to identify how the heavy workload and isolation is impacting your work. For example, are you working additional hours (which cost the company money)? (yes) Are you finishing things behind schedule, which impacts deliverables? (no) What would be better if your workload were more manageable and you had better engagement and support? (I probably wouldn't have ended up on medical leave) Identify those things AND how they impact the people you support and the business. Identify specifically what you need help with then ask for that. Share the impact with your manager. Tell her you are concerned about the impact the workload is having on the business. (I did, I got written up)

Another great strategy is to discuss workload and ask for reprioritization. For example, share with your manager exactly what is on your plate and competing for completion. Tell her that you are concerned about being able to deliver on expectations on time and you need her to reprioritize and set new deliverable dates. Most managers appreciate this because they don't want to be surprised by things coming in late. Make sure your manager understands the breadth and depth of your workload and the impact that (I did and she told me to stop doing anything that wasn't for her, which put me in a terrible position with the rest of the company).

If you are working long hours, another strategy is to make a commitment to yourself to end your day at a reasonable hour. Share with your manager that you have a family commitment (which is a commitment to your self-care) and you will need to end your day on time to make the commitment. (I did and she treated me like I was quietly quitting if I wanted/desperately needed to work less than 60 hours a week).

Bottom line: be proactive with your manager. YOU TAKE CONTROL! You are a professional and you bring certain skills to the table. Your ability to deliver those skills well is being challenged by the current environment. Ask clearly for what you needed - backed up by clarity on the impact that the heavy workload is having. Make it clear that you're committed to your role and to doing it well and that you need your manager's assistance to be at your best. (I did and my position was eliminated, thanks for the advice!)