Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Little2Nothing]

Alliematt, I have the same fear as you. It seems every presidential election cycle that violence erupts. That violence seems to get closer and closer to where I live. So yeah, fear is a natural reaction to uncertain situations. Though it can be crippling and unhealthy, it is also protective. Listen to your fear and plan for your safety.

[alliematt]

I FORGOT MY COUNSELING APPOINTMENT TODAY!! It wasn't on my phone. So through an exchange of emails, I got things rescheduled. I know people forget things, but why can't I stop beating myself up every time I make an honest mistake?

And I've had so much proofing these last few weeks. I'm glad for the money but I'm working myself to exhaustion.

[Blueberry]

Hey, it's great you got it re-scheduled!

To err is human and you are human, you are not a machine.

I imagine somewhere in your past somebody wasn't too forgiving about honest mistakes.

[alliematt]

Bad day today. My blood work for my Type 2 Diabetes came back and the numbers were bad. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. Although a phone call from a friend helped, I'm having a hard time recovering. Today I lay in bed before a nap and thought, everything that everyone ever said/did to me who hated me was right. Every bully had a good reason to bully me.

One of the last things my mother said to me before she started going downhill health wise was, the only thing I have against you is that you used to be so little, and after you had him (my son), you changed and I don't know why.

It was a comment on my weight.

I look and feel like a blimp and feel totally unlikeable, like not even God likes me.

And although the majority of comments I have gotten online have been encouraging, one comment accused me of whining and another said, how did I expect my numbers to be good if I wasn't doing what I was supposed to? I haven't been eating as I should and have not gotten to the gym consistently. I feel like a failure in everything. The proofing work has been exhausting. We came very close to bouncing our federal (US) tax payment because the checks we wrote for state and federal taxes and for my son's naturopath appointment all went through the same week. I got a notice from the bank saying that we had a negative bank balance. I 1) panicked, 2) transferred money from savings to checking, 3) texted my husband, who told me it wouldn't be the end of the world.  Fortunately, the deposit was processed before our federal tax payment so we are okay. 

I'm about to go to bed and I'd rather curl up in a ball and stay there. I have beaten myself up badly today because I feel like I deserve it.      

[Little2Nothing]

Alliematt, I'm sorry your are having such a difficult time. 

[Chart]

Alliematt I identify so much. Saturday and I'm lying in bed exhausted. Have zero initiative, eating so-so, not doing what my trauma gurus are telling me, so not really making progress. I only manage to work and only that for the safety of the money. Can't find the energy to look for a new job. Juggling payments and bills all the time, always on the edge. Need to do my taxes... Internal critic having a field day... Ungh... you are not alone. Not alone at all. I wish you and me courage and hope. I send hugs and support.