Rainy Journal 2022

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs and energy to get you through the days, rainy. 

[Larry]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF - I appreciate your support.
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Hi Larry, thanks for stopping by.
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Today is ending in tears.  My intention today had been to be self-compassionate and that isn't working very well right now.

I found out after working all day that today was technically not a working day and thus I was not paid for today.  Hours of pay in my job truthfully make no sense to me anyways but now I feel so stupid.  I sent out tons of emails that I realize now are confusing because I was operating from a different understanding.

I also went to a "meet and greet" at one of my schools.  I worked at this school in the spring but I might as well as have been invisible.  People didn't know me and students are more familiar with the other person in my role so didn't really talk to me.  She also kept forcing interactions and introductions that overwhelmed me.  I said something to her and she got defensive. 

There is also a teacher that I stood up to last year that won't speak to me.  These things impact me and hurt me.  I also was annoyed by "performance" of it all when I could tell a lot of our students were overwhelmed too.  It also always bugs me to hear colleagues speak about students in ways I consider demeaning and I feel so guilty for standing there in the moment that I am overwhelmed and can't advocate for them.

I tried reaching out to a friend and her responses didn't feel supportive.  There are to an extent and then she always says one thing of advice I didn't ask for which makes me feel like I am being gaslit. 

Sleep will help.  Tomorrow will be even harder.  I won't be in a rush in the morning.  I will also be taking Thursday off so I can focus on my doctor appointment.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, i've got some compassion for you even if you can't find it for yourself.  very sorry you're having a difficult time right now.  and i get that friend thing who gives unwanted advice.  we don't need that - it really isn't helpful.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support.

[rainydiary]

Thank you San, I appreciate your support and care.
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I didn't sleep as long as I would have liked and it was a bit difficult to settle down last night but I feel mostly ready for the day.  This morning also is starting off gross with my cat throwing up and me spilling coffee all over my couch.

Last night I did find a way to some care of myself.  So I hope I am learning to not hold on to these bumps in the same way I would have in the past.

I am really beginning to understand how much of a mismatch there is between me and the environment I work in and the overall world I live in.  My brain works differently and processes differently from what is considered "typical."  I am getting a place where I am tired of forcing this - it doesn't work.  The issues I've had in the past aren't really about me but rather a mismatch as well as others taking out their discomfort on me.

In some ways this makes me feel "better" in that I don't need to keep forcing myself to try to be things I am not.  I know I will be misunderstood by most people.  In looking back there is almost always someone that sticks with me and hears me.  And I see things that students need and can at least be a positive in their life even if they "forget" me. 

I also now how a boss that I think I could speak honestly and openly to.  I want to organize my thoughts to share with her and wait until I can speak to her calmly.  I also do feel resistance and am hesitant to speak too much right now.

I am going to work today.  This is one of the schools I was at in the spring.  It was the lesser of two evils and I regret returning.  My colleague that I share the caseload with is a big source of my regret.  She can be helpful and has a lot of experience, but I do not respect her approach to her work on many levels.  She gaslights me and she says things like "well, we're just here for the paycheck."  I can't see the ways children I work with are treated, including by her, and not feel the drive to challenge others to reframe how they see the world.

I also mess up a lot.  I am influenced and biased by the culture and systems I am part of.  I do get mean to myself that I don't know to how impact change in other adults. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, it's been a futile quest for me thru the years trying to change adults.  and i have tried - tried for 20 yrs. w/ my ex to get him to be a happy man instead of what he was.  not too much to ask, right?  well, impossible, really.  i know your heart is in the right place w/ these people, and it sure comes thru w/ your attitude toward children.  i'm sorry you have crummy co-workers w/ such neg. attitudes.  hang tough, ok?  those kids need you and you'll be a big influence in their lives.  you'll be remembered.  love and hugs, my dear

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - when I read your reflection about my intention to change others I see how absurd that is.  I know that doesn't work.  I think I do impact change, it just looks different than I might hope.  I appreciate your support. I was also hurt last night that I saw some students I thought would be glad to see me and they didn't show it.  I think there was too much going on and kids have different, shorter memories than I do. 
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Before work I did a yoga practice that reflected on something called Ahimsa.  My understanding is this means non-harm and includes taking care of oneself and others.  I think it set up for this day of caring for myself.

I went to work and my colleague was busy.  I thought we were going to talk about our caseload but I was there for almost 2 hours and she was doing other things.  I also at one moment felt angry at her for something she said to me yesterday when I didn't remember the number of students on my caseload at my other school. 

So I left.  I have a commitment tonight at my other school and decided it would be better to rest before that.  I put in some time and people spoke to me...but until she relinquishes some control over the caseload, I am not going to waste my time.

It has sunk in that my challenges in my school jobs are not me.  It feels like a load has been lifted.  I cannot mold myself into being what they want.  I am going to move forward with being me and hopefully feeling less badly about it.

I feel myself at this transition point.  I am not sure where I am headed but I don't want to keep trying to make this type of work situation fit me.  I'm not sure what I will do.  What I think is actually important to me is the ability to hold space for others and is more about a person being themself with me.  I could do that in almost anything. 

I really don't want to go back to work later today but I said I would be there and I don't want to not show.  My husband returns today which will be good to have his support.

[Blueberry]

I have a commitment tonight at my other school and decided it would be better to rest before that. 

Sounds like good self-care. I'm glad you had a rest and I hope it helped.

I feel myself at this transition point.  I am not sure where I am headed but I don't want to keep trying to make this type of work situation fit me.  I'm not sure what I will do. 

Being at a transition point sounds like steps forward to me, especially since you don't want to keep trying to make this situation work! In time I'm sure you'll feel what you want to do next or how the next steps could work. Standing with you in this process.

My husband returns today which will be good to have his support.

Sounds really good that you are looking forward to your h coming back and to his support. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your support.   
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I am feeling so guilty right now.

I am taking the day off work tomorrow because I have a doctor appointment.  No I don't need the whole day for this, but I didn't want to deal with trying to figure out how to manage my time to make it all work. 

My secondary school (the one I wrote about feeling invisible at) is being rather demanding of my time.  Really it is my colleague.  What is hard for me is that I perceive her to be a very controlling person.  She performs "including" me in decisions when really we will do what she wants.  I don't think she needs to do the majority of what she does, but it is her issue.

I told her I can't attend some meeting tomorrow in an email and she immediately called me.  I told her in the email that they could meet without me but she still called.  I also had told her earlier this week that I wouldn't be at work on Thursday.  So....I am not sorry for calling in sick, but I also feel her disapproval and like I am not pulling my weight when she leaves nothing for me to do.

I am realizing that this is a familiar dynamic.  I shouldn't have agreed to return to that school.  I knew how she was but it didn't feel as bad as the other school.  And now I don't think I can do it.

I am not sure there is anything I can about it at this point.  I don't want to feel guilty though for taking care of myself and feeling lame in comparison to her.

[rainydiary]

I am not ok today.

I am tired and sad and hurt.

I'm glad to be home today. 

[paul72]

Sending supportive hugs rainy

I think you did a wonderful thing, taking the full day off today.
I'm sorry for how you are feeling though and hope something joyful unexpectedly finds you today.

[Papa Coco]

Rainy,

I agree with Phil,

I hope you are able to rest today. These dark days can come on us like a storm cloud. And sometimes, just taking a day off and weathering the storm is the best thing we can do.

Hugs to you. 

[sanmagic7]

i also agree about taking the day off.  it sounds like you feel stuck - you're doing work you love with a population you love, yet you have to do it in toxic surroundings.  i hope you can find your way to reconciling this for yourself.  i liked what you wrote:

It has sunk in that my challenges in my school jobs are not me.  It feels like a load has been lifted.  I cannot mold myself into being what they want.  I am going to move forward with being me and hopefully feeling less badly about it.

i fully believe in this reflection and truly hope you're able to attain this goal.  sending love and a hug full of self-assurance.

[CactusFlower]

Take the day, rainy, take care of yourself, The work sounds like a lot of "love the work, don't love the environment". Hope you feel better. gentle hugs and energy for you. 

[Armee]

Sending over thoughts of hugs and support and hope things feel better at least over the weekend.