Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[woodsgnome]

  Glad your session went well. And that you seemed to take in what you needed, and the rest will come. Even if you hit some unexpected (or expected) bumps in the road, you seem to have built some resilience, too; always a good sign.

Here's to your continued progress with finding the peace you deserve.

[Larry]

thankk you all for the support !

[Armee]

It can be really threatening feeling when a T gets close to something that you don't want to give up. You're stronger than me because you told your T about how you cope. I still haven't told mine about my thing because I know he'd want to help me fix and stop it. As scary as it seems I wonder too...is it relieving to know there's someone there now who can help you?

[Larry]

it is so relieving,  i felt like there was no hope for so long.  i don't want to give up my way of coping,  but i know i need to.  it feels nice to be able to just open up and say anything in my session.  i feel like there isn't any judgement.   

[Not Alone]

Larry, just want to let you know that I'm reading your journal and to send you my support.
Not Alone

[Larry]

i tried to drown myself ,  just a few minutes ago.  i really wanted to,  i don't know what stopped me.  i called my T,  she brought me back.  i don't know what to do.  i am so scared

[Snowdrop]

I'm so glad you called your T, Larry. It was the right thing to do.

Was there anything your T advised you to do? Is there anything you can do to bring comfort to yourself? Maybe hot tea and a soft blanket?

Please know that you're not alone, Larry. We're here, we support you, and we care about you.

I've seen your post about calling a hotline. That sounds like the right thing to do. Was there anyone your T told you to call in an emergency?

[Larry]

talked with the hotline,  they have no clue.  i don't feel like they know anything about trama.  i am trying to get drunk enought to forget

[Armee]

Calling your T was a really courageous strong step. Good job. Slowly your T will help you build up your ability to tolerate these awful awful feelings, reactions, and flashbscks. Until then go slow and gentle. Trauma is serious. The blowback from trying to heal can be strong. Nice and slow. Slowly you'll feel better. It takes time. But one day you'll see how far you've come...

[Larry]

i really appreciate all of you.  i think i was flashing back to being abandoned at 6 years old.  it felt terrible,  worthless,  unwanted.    it got to where i didn't want to feel  anything ever again.   the hotline finally answered,  but they were useless,  they asked if i wanted them to call the police,  that is the last thing i want !  i am going to work,  i just want to get through this day

[Snowdrop]

Flashbacks are awful. I get it. I'm glad you're feeling better today. I'm glad you're here.

When are you next seeing your T? It might be helpful to go through what happened with her.

[rainydiary]

Larry, flashbacks are so painful.  It is extremely painful to flash back to those moments.  I am thinking of you and hoping you find some ease today. 

[Larry]

i really appreciate all of you,  my next session is friday.  My T told me she wants to focus on my drining.  i just don't know what else to do to forget things and not feel emotions

[Armee]

Being triggered into an emotional flashback of being abandoned and unloved is really rough. Recognizing when we are tirggered and in a flashback can be challenging for awhile

Forgetting and numbing our emotions is what keeps us stuck. You'll learn how to feel, slowly, so it doesn't overwhelm you like last night. It takes time for you and your T to learn your window of tolerance. How much you can do before getting overwhelmed or shutting down. Each of us is different.

My window of tolerance is really low, but widening noticeably in the past few months. That makes it easier to do the therapeutic work. We had to work really diligently to get there. You will too.

In the meantime, Bach is right. No shame. Most of us have been there. You had the guts to get help and stay here. I'm proud of you.

I continue to learn from you too, about being vulnerable and reaching out for help. Thank you! 

[Larry]

i feel embarrased,  but so thankful for all the support