A Safe Place To Be Visible

[rainydiary]

I am here with you during this time.

[Armee]

 

This is one of those big hugs, if you want it, where you get to stay in it as long as you need.

Take care of Bach, ok? This is really hard but you're going to come out.

[sanmagic7]

i'm here with you, too, bach.  such a lot to be struggling with.  you're not alone.  much love and a caring hug filled with comfort and a cloud to rest on and sink into when needed. 

[Bach]

But my body doesn't WANT to be scanned!

[sanmagic7]

still here.  if it helps, something i've done in the past (like when i had to leave mexico), i imagined my friends here on the forum standing with me, moving with me for that terrible trip back across the border for good.  it was a terrifying time, but having everyone there kept me from losing my mind.  we're with you, my dear.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

Bach. 

Agree with San. We're here. Keeping speaking what you can get out.

[Bach]

The other day I had a conversation with my mother about anger.  It was a very helpful conversation in furthering my pursuit of eventually speaking all of my truths to her, and later reflection on it provided me with some ideas with how to go where I need to go with it next.  I've been wanting to either write Ladybird about that or make some kind of a post about here so that I could remember what I need to address next to prepare both of us for the truth bombs that soon will need to be dropped, but so far I can't.  Maybe that's okay. 

I think I've done a good job so far of handling that bloody woman in ways that are getting me closer to my ultimate goal, which is to be able to be relieved when she dies instead of having it throw me into a world of emotional turmoil and flashback storms that will make this past summer look like a Bob Ross painting.  I might actually not survive that if it happened.  There's a part of me that doesn't even know I exist except as a reflection of her.

Today I told my therapist about the conversation (interesting slip, at first I typed "psychiatrist" instead of "therapist" even though except for a six-month check in and klonopin scrip I haven't had one of those in many years).  Talking to my therapist about it was so difficult that I had to distract myself by chopping hair for the compost.  Not hair on my head.  Balls of hair out of a bag that I saved up during the time that our garage had to be rebuilt and we couldn't have our compost heap.  I had learned shortly before that happened that you can compost hair if you chop it up so it can break down, and I was utterly tickled by the idea of contributing an actual part of myself to the dirt that would grow my beautiful vegetables.  I understand that saving up hair for a year and then having to make my way little by little through what turns out to be a much bigger bag than I thought of balls of hair that are much more work than I thought they'd be to chop up instead of shrugging my shoulders and throwing it away is a little crazy.  I have no idea why I wanted to share that here today.  I've never told anyone about it before, not even Ladybird or My Person.  Or my therapist, even though it seems that my need for distraction during particularly difficult sessions might be what will end up getting me through that bag.  I miss going to my therapist in person, but sometimes I wonder if I'd actually be able to tolerate some of this deep work I've been doing on my anger if I had to do it in the sight of another person. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hello Bach,

I am struck by two things; the bag of hair and the last sentence. Yes, I read the second paragraph but unable to offer anything now.

It's very hard to do therapy via streaming media. I miss that presence, the small subtle cues, the psychic energy, the warmth. Sharing deep work is tough, I understand your doubts with doing it in sight of another person. I did a little today, not anger, but shame. Point is, the closer it comes to the really sensitive stuff, the harder it is to share. It's a risk and involves trust, not something that's in great abundance. But when you are ready, you may give yourself permission.

The hair! Here I am throwing mine all away, when I could be cutting it up. I'm impressed with your commitment to compost, I'm a great believer. And it does sound like a big, kind of tedious thing. If you could develop an auto-pilot method maybe that's better, I don't know. But if you've done this for a year, it seems like a good idea to follow through.

I'm impressed with your courage to speak your truths to the people that need to hear it.

[sanmagic7]

bach, you continue to make progress with all this.  thank you for sharing about your hair with us.  i think, altho it's tedious, the sentiment behind having bits of yourself making the earth more viable for your vegetables brings a smile to my heart.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Bach, I think it's great that you have been able to speak to tbw about anger.  I think you are brave.  I hope you don't mind my saying that. 
Hope 

[Armee]

That really is such a beautiful concept of composting with hair. Thank you for sharing that with us.

You're doing amazing work. It is very very difficult what you are doing and I admire you so much for it. I wasn't able to do it with my M. I was much too scared and unsure of myself to.

[Bach]

I just sent my mother a letter telling her my thoughts about our last conversation.  I managed to write it this morning in one sitting, only left it alone for a few hours before making a couple of minor changes and hitting send without running it past anyone or posting it here to see how it felt in public, or even giving myself another cool-down-and-revisit before calling it ready to go.  Although I wouldn’t normally proceed with something like this without much more deliberation, I knew this was the right thing to do because this afternoon after I wrote it and went out to get my hyperbaric treatment, I kept thinking that I had sent it already, and feeling good about that, then remembering that I hadn’t and thinking that I really must.  Now, having sent it, I still feel good about it, no queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, no second-guessing.  I guess I’m getting better at narcissist-wrangling.  I’m glad I got such good thorough training for that over the past 15 years by taking on pretty much all the responsibility for keeping my relationship with Other from imploding. 

I’m too exhausted and brain-fried to engage with anyone here today, but I love you all so much and appreciate you for being an inestimable resource for helping me get through this.   

[BeeKeeper]

Congrats on your risk taking and courage to send without a "final approval" from anyone. Yeah you! I like it. It definitely speaks to your new lifestyle of

narcissist-wrangling.

[Bach]

My mom still thinks it was all my fault.  Bach was talking to her about being angry and stuff and then my mom wrote a letter to her therapist telling her therapist all about how bad a kid Bach was except she wasn't talking about Bach, she was talking about me and she was WRONG except that she wasn't wrong because I guess I did those things?  But she said it was my fault.  Anyway, my mom sent Bach the letter and I starting getting mad and scared and upset but then Bach wrote her a letter back telling her why I did or why it wasn't my fault or something, I don't know, but it was really good to have Bach say that it wasn't my fault and explain why and Bach was right!  But then Bach didn't send that letter and wrote a different letter that said they could talk about it another time because she said it would be better to be nice now and tell mom that stuff later.  I guess I trust her.  But I'm mad because it's so unfair.  So I drew a picture of my foot stomping on my mom.  That was fun but it made me feel weird and scared and I had to stop.  Bach said it's okay but I don't know.  I'm really tired now and I want to go to sleep.

[Blueberry]

Oh I'm so sorry that all these things are going on. It would all make me really mad too. Really really mad. And upset and scared. Good for you drawing a picture of your foot stomping on your mom! I agree with Bach, that it's OK.

If it's not too much for you or too difficult, then please know I'm supporting you. I hope you can feel a bit safer now and get lots of sleep.