A Safe Place To Be Visible

[sanmagic7]

 bach,  i appreciate your strength and self-realizations re: this relationship you are establishing.  i give you so much credit for knowing what's right for you and going ahead with it.  keep up the good work!   

reconciling with our past can be troublesome at best.  making the decision to do so, then moving forward on that decision are 2 huge steps.  you're doing them.  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

Hello Bach,

Your story about refusing to "give" the ride to both your M and stepfather one Thanksgiving brought me back to the first time I refused to go to my F's on Thanksgiving. I remember doing it over the phone, and back then, I heard nothing for about 20 seconds. They've both since died, but that one act set me on a path of self-reconciliation.

It takes courage to refuse, confront, change strategies, tactics, set boundaries and stay the course. I loved this sentence you wrote:

I feel that it is very important.  I feel that I need to deal with her to progress in my therapy, to understand more about and hopefully start to unlearn the deeply programmed subconscious responses I have that contribute so much to my life's suffering.

Awareness is the first step to unlearning, and then, (I've seen) a bit of self-compassion can make those lessons easier. A total shocker for me! Who knows? There might be something in it for you too. 

[Armee]

Bach,

I really appreciate your thoughts that you shared on this here and drawing my attention to the thread you linked to.

This especially stood out to me:

And ultimately I need to do it so that when she dies I will be able to experience my relief for the end of her without complications from guilt, shame or regret, and accept and grieve healthily for the fact that I will never truly know how it feels to have a loving mother instead of ripping myself apart

I found all the struggles I went through trying with my mom before she passed to have provided clarity that despite everything I did and tried she never could be a mom or any number of other descriptors. I walked away with the peace knowing I had tried. Nothing I did changed who she is. I also resent putting so much effort and angst into trying, only to be treated like garbage till the very end. But it proved to me it was her, not me.

So I did find it helpful, but at the same time, proceed with caution Bach and give yourself as much space as you need to keep from being badly hurt again by your M. 

[Bach]

Rainydiary, San, Beekeeper and Armee, I very much appreciate your reading and responding.  A lot of fear and threat surrounds writing about this stuff.  I feel that it is good for me, but it also produces difficult emotional backlashes.  It is so reassuring to be heard and understood, and acknowledged with so much compassion.  Thank you, friends 

I have been struggling painfully with anxiety for the past several days.  There are many things complicating my emotional landscape.  One of my closest friends is ill and needs risky surgery, which was scheduled for a few weeks ago but had to be put off, and is now planned for next Thursday.  Another is dealing with a number of family crises on top of her own ongoing chronic illness.  My brother and his family finally left for Australia.  They had left the area at the end of July but been unable to go to Australia because of rules regarding Covid, but until last weekend they were at least still only one timezone away.  I didn't expect their departure from this hemisphere to hit me so hard.  I guess that even though I knew perfectly well they were going to go sooner or later, some part of me was still hoping that somehow they wouldn't.  On top of all that, the weather has been crazy, with severe flooding in my area in the wake of Hurricane Ida.  Crazy weather frightens me and always has.  I don't remember where I heard about environmental issues and global warming way back in the 70s when I was a young child, but it impressed me as a grave and imminent threat, and I've been anxious about it ever since.  At times when other difficult things have been going on in my life, my environmental anxiety has risen to the level of debilitating paranoia.  For the past few days I've been dancing on the edge of falling into that, but so far I have remained rational despite having to hear all about the flooding, deaths, record rainfall, etc., from My Person.  He doesn't try to talk about it with me very much because he knows it makes me anxious, but he reads all the news and mentions it to me from time to time, and gets on the phone with his friends and talks about it, and it's hard to tune him out because he's loud and our house isn't very big.  I do my best to tolerate it because, although not traumatised the way I am, he too is a human being who has certain anxieties and needs to express himself, but sometimes I just want to scream.  Or worse.  I'm actually really pretty impressed with myself because despite my extreme angst and discomfort, I have done very little self-destructive acting out.  Go me.

I wanted to write some stuff today about anger but it's too complicated and I don't have the energy right now. 

My regards and love to my all friends and fellow strugglers here.

[rainydiary]

Bach, I've also felt the heaviness of the weather and climate.  I hope that you remain as well as you can as Ida makes it way through.  I feel incredibly anxious about it as well and want to do my part....but my part feels so insignificant. 

[Snowdrop]

 

[Armee]

I'm actually really pretty impressed with myself because despite my extreme angst and discomfort, I have done very little self-destructive acting out.  Go me.

I am really pretty impressed with you, too, Bach. You sound...SOLID. I'm not sure about you but when CPTSD stuff gets to me i feel ephermal like I'm just going to float away. SOLID is the opposite of that. I feel like you are HERE. Good job.

I can also tell what a beautiful human you are because much of what is weighing on you are things that affect people you love and not YOU.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother in terms of geography. That's a big loss and adjustment. 💛

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you on having to contain my anxiety about the climate.  it's horrible - just want to acknowledge that.  

keep taking care of you, ok?  unfortunately, it's difficult to avoid the news completely.  i check in every day, but pretty much can only take a few minutes of it.  i think we can only move forward in our own lives, do what we can and know that we're doing our best not to contribute to what's happening.  sending love and a hug filled with comfort and care.

[Bach]

I took a nice little shot at my mother the other day.  She was going on yet again about how mean (stepbrothers) are. In a discussion of my mother's insistence that the anger of (stepbrothers) is wildly unreasonable, I managed to get in a mild statement of my feeling that (stepfather) bears a lot of the responsibility for never trying to work out his relationship with his children and that it can't all be blamed on what the vfjdbsl ex-wife did 50 years ago.  Then when she defended (stepfather) by saying that his ex-wife took the kids to live in another country to get revenge on him, I said "It's definitely not appropriate to weaponise children in a divorce. I know a lot of people do it and from my perspective I judge them all."  That was good because it wasn't personal or accusatory, and we weren't talking about MY past.  She knew what I was saying, though, of course.  She offered an insincere apology with a tacked-on tidy little bit of history-revision that made the apology totally meaningless, then changed the subject.  That was okay, good, even, because I was only looking to say it, not to get an apology or engage her on it.  The best part was that after I said it, I started to type another message passive-aggressively saying something even more sneakily pointed, but then I realised that would be laying it on too thick and I didn't do it.  So satisfying to jab her and then deny her the opportunity to feel like a victim!

[BeeKeeper]

Bach, 

This hits the spot.

"It's definitely not appropriate to weaponise children in a divorce. I know a lot of people do it and from my perspective I judge them all."

I admire your courage and articulation.

I started to type another message passive-aggressively saying something even more sneakily pointed, but then I realised that would be laying it on too thick and I didn't do it.

Choosing a direct message is the way to go. Glad you passed the opportunity to be passive-aggressive.

[Armee]

Good job speaking up to your mom. It won't change her, but it will change you. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree with both bee and armee.  hits the spot, and that kind of spot can be life-changing!     love and hugs, my dear.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I admire what you did, in communicating what you wanted to your M. 

I also wanted to send a hug from one of my younger parts, who related to something that you wrote previously about the little girl - my younger self/part related very much, and hoped to offer a safe hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[Bach]

Lately I wish that I could have therapy every single !@#$%^& day.  But that would probably be too much anyway   

[rainydiary]

Bach, what you say resonates.  I have spaces where I feel like I figure a lot out and feel heard and seen and want them all the time.  But they seem the exception.