A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Armee]

I agree Bach and that is especially true when I am more dissociated. When things feel ok, twice a week would be ok.

Hugs for whatever you are struggling with this week. 

[Bach]

Why am I such a self-destructive @#$%^& sometimes?  I make me tired.  I'm angry at myself right now. The other day I noticed that when I get angry I start feeling sick to my stomach.  My stomach starts to roll and alarm bells ring and I become afraid of everything, and there is a physical feeling, a sweeping feeling of oncoming overwhelm.  Like how it would feel being in the ocean when the tide rolls in. 

I'm angry at a lot of things right now, actually, and perhaps I am so angry at myself because it's so much safer than being angry at anything else.  Being angry at myself is more like being in the ocean as a kid when the tide is too far out to be fun or even cooling on that day that is too hot and bright and boring and I have to entertain myself for hours by myself while Mom listens to her classical radio station and works on her tan.  That's a sickening horrible feeling too, but it's easy to subdue into something that keeps me down and doesn't threaten me.  That's the Mom/B dynamic, isn't it?  The one that governs my life.  She wants to keep me down and I want her to not threaten me.  So this must be why I react to anger at what is outside me (best friend, brother, mother, age, death) by lying around being depressed until I do something self-destructive and then get angry at myself.  In the past, I have responded to getting angry at myself by doing "healthy" things to counteract the bad feelings of doing self-destructive things, but then usually overdone the "healthy" things (exercise, chores, work, creative expression) until I was exhausted and overwhelmed.  Now with my health issues, I cannot do that.  I have long wanted to find healthier ways to process anger, and now it's becoming necessary if I ever want to have any kind of life again.

My Person and I are supposed to go visit that woman next week.  I don't know what to call her.  I don't want to call her Mom.  I don't want to call her "my mother", because I don't want to claim her, and I don't want to call her "the mother" because "the" feels like it gives her too much credit.  And I don't know whether I want to see her or not.  I do but I don't.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.  I need to figure it out, but I don't need to do that today.  I'm trying to learn how to not shy away from these thoughts and feelings and especially not writing about them, but also not to plunge too deeply headlong into them and get overwhelmed.  Yesterday in my notes I wrote "Anger:  The little girls say 'We understand that we have to but that's enough for now, a break please?'  And I said 'Yes, of course, little girls, thank you for telling me what you need.'"  They have been very present on and off lately as I've spent my days paralysed and doing almost nothing, alternating between waves of emotional flashback and dissociation.

[Armee]

Bach I understand a little why its so hard to find the write word. That was hard for me too, because she never was my mom or the mom.

I understand why you are tiptoeing back into a relationship with her. And also I see how your brain and body are kind of screaming and whispering "no!"

You don't have to do this. You don't have to do it now if it is less healthy for you.

When I felt I had to interact with mine, my T made sure I knew the consequences for myself and accepted the price as well understood i was making a choice.

[Papa Coco]

Bach,

I also would love to have therapy every day!  I wish my therapist would just move in next door and let me come over for coffee EVERY day.

[BeeKeeper]

Bach,

What Papa Coco said. 

What you said:

"Anger:  The little girls say 'We understand that we have to but that's enough for now, a break please?'  And I said 'Yes, of course, little girls, thank you for telling me what you need.'"  They have been very present on and off lately

I appreciate this so much! First, the presence, the communication and the interaction. You're ahead of me and that helps.

Acknowledging the thoughts, and then saying you'll care for them by what they are asking.  The last part, being paralyzed, doing little and alternating between states seems to be part of the terrain, at least for me. I've been wondering about that effect for a while, and now see it as a direct consequence of that communication and that promise.

[Bach]

I was spared from having to decide about visiting TBW* next week, because My Person is going to be too busy with work to go with me.  I texted her telling her that but haven't gotten a response yet.  I'll have to deal with that when it comes.  Ugh.

Friends, I always read and appreciate your responses, but recently I have not had the bandwidth to acknowledge and reply to each individually.  I'm having extreme problems interacting with other humans lately even in very limited capacities, so I hope that you will all understand that my thoughts and feelings for all of you are here even though right now I can't express them.  I try to say something or drop hugs when I can but it's all so hard.  So much harder than it seems like it should be. 

*TBW stands for "That bloody woman", which is how I've been referring to her for the past few days.  I still don't want to describe her with the M-word, so I figured why not. 

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate you sharing where you are at and the type of energy you have for engagement right now.   

[Armee]

 

I am learning a lot from you, Bach, even if you aren't able to say much.

I like your new name for her. It suits her very much.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I really think the description of TBW is apt.  I borrowed it for a while to apply it to someone in my own life, and it felt apt there as well.  Seems like there's a lot of them around.  TBW's.

I wanted to say that I appreciate you and I'm sending you a hug of support and caring 
Hope 

[Bach]

I'm wondering if I'm okay after stumbling into a text conversation about the past tonight with TBW. I feel mostly good about it because although I didn't get to say much of what I want to say, I said a thing or two and laid groundwork for saying more in the future. But I ended weak and am now feeling a little overwhelmed by the vastness. I have so much work to do but I must do it carefully and sensibly, not get anxious and impatient and try to pile through it, get it all out, get it said, and end up making myself sick instead of feeling relief. I think what I mean by "ended weak" is that my last message had too many words. Not that I said anything bad or wrong or unfair or regrettable, but I went just a touch past carefully considered. If I had stopped a few words sooner I would not have a queasy stomach or be lying here still not asleep even after meditation and medication. I suppose I will have to simply be present with the discomfort, observe it and tolerate it until it diffuses enough to let me go, and try to see the line more clearly next time.

[Armee]

Oh Bach. I hear so much self doubt and honestly fear. 

And it reminds me of how carefully I had to tread in my own conversations with my own m word.

Remember you have a right to exist, as you. And normal healthy relationships don't require this level of tiptoeing to be able to state your thoughts and needs. Bach gets to exist and all the parts of Bach.

I also want to honor the strength you showed in engaging and putting some of your words out there.

I hope the cost of that interaction is bearable and that you give yourself lots of kindness and understanding of what a difficult line you are walking.

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate what you said about laying the groundwork.  Something that is difficult for me is non-closure.  I feel a lot of feelings about things being a process when there are some things I just want to be over and done with.  I hope that you find a way that feels as supportive and right for you as possible. 

[Bach]

Armee and rainy, thank you for your responses.  They are, as always, appreciated, read carefully and taken in 

I still don't know whether I'm okay or not.  The other night I eventually fell asleep, and then yesterday was pretty good.  I was very, very fatigued, but it was the first day in a long time that I haven't felt depressed.  I accomplished a few minor things and my head was pretty comfortable for most of the day.  Today, though, I'm feeling horribly unwell mentally, in complete disarray, feeling everything all at once and wishing for yesterday's quiet mind with the desperation that I once would have desired ecstasy.  There is so much I need to say to TBW, and I need to say it the right way, not because I don't have a right to exist or a right to my feelings but because I need for the saying or the not saying of things to make me more well, and not to backfire and make me sick.

[Bach]

I am angry and sad because my life was over before it had even begun.  I was born to be lonely and unwanted, crying out with need and pain, struggling to survive in a world where even the person responsible for my being here wanted me to not exist.  Every opportunity I’ve ever had blown because I could not emotionally regulate.  50+ years of my life gone by before I even understood what that meant.  Name it and shame it.  I have so far to go, and not enough time, energy or health to get there.  Why, why, WHY?

I want to tell TBW all the things.  Need to.  But why?  She won’t accept them.  She doesn’t remember it like that.  She would NEVER have left me alone sick when I was that young!  As far as she’s concerned, major formative experiences of my life never even happened.  I guess she never (trigger in white) broke my leg or suffocated me either. .  It wasn’t about me.  She doesn’t want me to think that I was unlovable.  It was simply that I needed something she was unable to give me when I needed it.  So she says.  I need to speak my truth, need to speak to TO HER, not angrily, not spitefully, not in a hurtful way.  But I need to tell her that while she doesn’t remember me at all, I remember her entirely too well.

[Bach]

Flashback storm