Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

Thank you San.
I read those words this morning and I just reread them now in bed.

You're right. I can't love him enough to make him love himself enough to seek help. I have to allow him to make his own choices.

I broke down during packing today. No one has bothered to offer to help me out. It hurts. I always offer. Why doesn't people offer to help me out? The only one who asked was roomie. When he came home from work, which of course left me in tears. We talked a bit. But avoided the big talks. We avoided fighting.

I went in the shower and when I came out he had poured me a glass of Bailey's. To cheer to the good memories. That was incredible nice of him. I really liked that. I can't drink it though. It makes me sick- he had forgotten about that. Baileys was one of my favourite drinks before surgery. But I had a sip, that's okay.

It's the last time I am sleeping here. I am moving out tomorrow.

[Not Alone]

Sceal, thinking of you and the physical and emotional stress of your move. 

[sanmagic7]

   much love and a big hug filled with support, caring, and, if i were there, i would've asked if you wanted help.   we all need o be asked sometimes.

[sanmagic7]

thinking of you, sweet sceal.  right beside you - you're not alone.  i know this is rough, but i also know you'll get through it.  sending love and a hug filled with care and support.

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you Sceal 

[Snowdrop]

Sceal, I'm thinking of you too.

[Sceal]

Thank you all.
I have now moved most of my things. But I got inflammation in my arms and emotional drain didn't let me pick up everything.

I am thinking alot on my roomie. I hope he will be okay. I hope that people will help him out, and that he will find some inner strength to figure things out. He could need all the thoughts and prayers he could get.

I get sad, and I started crying infront of my folks. It made them uncomfortable. But after a long time mom decided that I needed to be hugged and comforted. Which was true, it was what I needed. I just wish it wasn't so awkward for her.  But I think it is good they saw me crying.

I got the house for myself for a few weeks now. But the coming week feels super busy. Which is good. It's less room for thinking and feeling.
I keep having to fight the urge to eat.
I have been eating all day. I think I am looking for comfort and I don't know how else to get it.

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad your mom finally was able to hug you.  and, i don't doubt you need comfort - there's a big hole in your life where your roomie used to be, and it wouldn't surprise me if you're grieving the loss right now.  we often fall back on old behaviors when in the midst of grief.  it's a very messy time.

sending a hug filled w/ support and prayers for your roomie.

sending love and a hug filled w/ comfort for you.

[Not Alone]

Glad your mom was able to give you a hug even though it felt uncomfortable to her. It makes sense that you are thinking about your roomie a lot. Praying for him that he is able to make steps to take care of himself. Praying for you too Sceal. Completely understand the eating. Take your time unpacking. Put on music, T.V., silence; whatever will be helpful to yourself during this transition. If able, buy yourself something special (not necessarily expensive) for your new home.

[Sceal]

I went to collect the last (hopefully) things today other than furniture and my washing machine that he's free to use until he finds a place.
I got there after I had a conversation with Mr T. Not a particularly helpful session today, not bad either. Mostly it was just... unstructured. But perhaps that's what I needed, a little bit of a break.

The week has been tough. Not as bad as I thought or feared. Maybe because I've kept busy. I'm agitated easily though. I don't feel like doing much, but I also definitively don't feel like doing nothing.  My arm is still painful, but I think it's my body's way of saying "listen! slow down!" and I'm just not willing. I feel like I got to move, move, move. Because if I sit still, if I think, if I feel.. I might not get back up again. (which of course is a lie, because I've faced worse). 
Anyway, I saw roomie today. He's sick. I don't know what's wrong with him, but something is really wrong. He's been having trouble for months, he has such a fear of doctors that despite knowing he needs to go, he just wont. So I called their office today. It's 13 days wait time, it's too long. I will call again tomorrow morning to see if they have an opening slot. I am really worried about him. I am worried he'll end up on the street because he's so fatigued he's not able to go and look for a new place, it might be his depression. It might be that he is pushing on all my "motherly" buttons. Or he might just really be suffering.
I told him he needs to reach out to his friends, to his mother. He can't do this alone, and that it's not fair that he's putting it all on me. Only on me. I'm not the person who's supposed to be helping him through this.
I feel suffocated. Because how can I? How can I just walk away when I don't know if he'll be ok? Hurting, sure... but whatever he is doing right now is the oposite of managing or being ok. He's alienated everyone, says he's fine when he's not.
I really hope I get through the phone lines tomorrow, because I he desperatedly need help. Now. Not in 14 days. Now.

[Not Alone]

I told him he needs to reach out to his friends, to his mother. He can't do this alone, and that it's not fair that he's putting it all on me. Only on me. I'm not the person who's supposed to be helping him through this.

  True!

[Snowdrop]

I told him he needs to reach out to his friends, to his mother. He can't do this alone, and that it's not fair that he's putting it all on me. Only on me. I'm not the person who's supposed to be helping him through this.

^^^ Definitely. Thinking of you.

[Sceal]

When i called for him to get an appointment with the GP I also told them I'm concerned about him and his mental state. He didn't take that well at all. He got quite angry wtih me. And late last night he sent me a text message demanding to know who else I've told and what did I tell. My fear of confrontation and conflict is taking over.
I did it because I'm concerned, and because I need someone else to help him. I can't continue to do so.
I've told his mom too, he will be furious if he finds out.
I'm not doing so well.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry Sceal.

I think you absolutely did the right thing telling people. And you did it out of concern, both for him and for yourself. It sounds as though he's too wrapped up in himself to see this, but it's true. You definitely did the right thing.

I hope that his mother can step forward more now that she knows.

Sending love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

I did it because I'm concerned, and because I need someone else to help him. I can't continue to do so.

for not wanting to continue supporting him and for taking the steps to discontinue. Sending lots of support to you!