Sceal's third journal

[sanmagic7]

i don't want you to go back to that either, i really don't.

my sweet sceal,  you really have made great strides in some areas, and you are very important to me.  you are so very generous, kind, and supportive, and i've seen your strength, even when it's not been apparent to you, yourself.  i can see the strides you've made, the changes you've put in place, - i remember when you'd go to your group and you'd run out or sit in a corner, and then, eventually, how you were able to continue to be more and more present.  that's just one example.

i would think that this news on top of all you're dealing with regarding your move would create a disturbance leading to fears for the future.  i'm with you, sceal.  always.  i can also understand wanting to begin distancing yourself from her.  it feels like something i would do - self-protection, of course.  we've got you, we see you and all the positives that go along w/ that, even if you don't see them.  keep taking care of yourself as best you can. sending love and a hug filled w/ support.

[Sceal]

I wrote Lady T a letter. It's a little all over the place. Usually I re-write these things a million times. I need an ending, but I don't know how to write one.
I don't dare to actually write the words "please give me more time" or "please, don't give up on me yet". Especially not when what if it is out of her control? She do have bosses as well, and a family that I'm taking time from.

Thank you for reminding me of that, San. I'd forgotten. I do that, I forget how bad things used to be. I do feel stronger than I was, I know that. But I just... I have this little voice telling me I still have a long way to go, and if I end up going it alone... then I'll end up taking the wrong turn somewhere and not end up where I want to go, or should go. But get lost in a maze of my own brain.

It honestly doesn't take much for me to get paranoidy thoughts. I feel them every day.  This week I got a package in the mail that I needed to pick up, but... It didn't have a clear sender. so I didn't know where it'd come from. I couldn't remember having ordered anything. I got the feeling that someone was playing a prank on me, or wishing me ill. and it feels so stupid saying it out loud. I don't tell Lady T about this, because I'm embarrassed. Eventhough I can hear how stupid it is.. there's this feeling. I still fully believe it to be true. And it's hard to ignore those feelings.

[sanmagic7]

just a couple quick comments, sceal -

i don't think you have to find the 'right' way to end that letter - it's not an essay to be graded, but your thoughts and feelings.  if they're messy, so be it.  that's how you're feeling right now, so it'll be real and true.

i think your fears and anxiety for the future are a product of what you're going thru right now.  your future is unknown.  it makes sense to me that you'd feel nervous.

i don't think you're stupid - i've felt that way about emails!  you don't have to ignore your feelings.  maybe you want to save the package for a time when you can be with someone you trust, or wait till you move, open it with your parents there.  maybe you'll hear from the person who sent it, asking if you received it.  you have time, sweetie. 

take care of yourself the best way you know, ok?  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

i don't think you have to find the 'right' way to end that letter - it's not an essay to be graded, but your thoughts and feelings.  if they're messy, so be it.  that's how you're feeling right now, so it'll be real and true.

I also just wrote a letter to my T, who I will see for the last time tomorrow. How do you put those feelings into words? Impossible to express those feelings with the intensity and depth that is inside.

I'm glad you told us about the package. Feelings are never stupid.

[Sceal]

Oh, I opened the package. It wasn't anything scary, it was an exchange. But it took me 3 days to decide whether to pick it up or not. To pay for it or not. it was constantly on my mind. It's hard to describe really, but this was a super mild case.

I had a fight with roomie again last night. I am the worst person possible, if I had been on the recieving end of my treatment of him when being at rock bottom I don't know what I would have done! I don't think I would have handled it.
I am just so sad and so frustrated that he is so paralyzed, that he doesn't care much anymore. I have so little patience with people who are stuck in their depressions and refuse to ask for help or take any steps to get out of it.  I wish I wasn't like this, because it's not fair. He deserves a lot better treatment than I can give him. He's in such a dark place, and nothing I do or say will or can help him. I know he will have to want this for himself. I know he needs to do the work. But it hurts so much. And I wish I could help. I also know I'm probably the last person to help him, since I am the cause for his despair.
I just want to hug him and tell him it'll be better. But I can't. I don't know if it will.
What if he is right, that things will never look better for him?
I asked him if he is suicidal, he says no. he is adamant that he isn't. He doesn't want me to reach out to his mom, he doesn't want to be a burden on her. Because she got enough dealing with his sister.
if only he had a person he could talk to, a professional, one who was in his corner. So he wouldn't feel so alone, someone who could help him see things from a different perspective.

I guess what I really wish is to know that he will be okay, so that I could feel less guilty and ashamed for moving out and trying to move on.

[Sceal]

Talked to Mr. T today.
It helped. Although he is pretty harsh and it makes me wonder if I am generally in need of alot of sugarcoating. It's not the right term, but I don't know the proper one in English.

I like that he is so direct. He knows I can handle it, and I have asked for it. Although it gets unpleasant at times. Today I felt unpleasant and weak. Not enjoyable. But then again, very little feels enjoyable these days.

We talked about lady T. And the fact that for the past year, or since the summer at least, I have spent too much time in therapy using her as fire extinguisher rather than a therapist. I think he is right, and I need both. I need a place where I can ventilate and to get feedback on when my reality is slipping.  It might be long and far between each time now, but it still happens and it is still pretty hard when it does.

My homework is to set a goal, divide them and then set s time limit so that it can become more structured for me to work. Something to hold on to. So it doesn't become fire extinguishing.

He also said I need to talk to her. And I will. I will finalize the letter tomorrow and deliver it on Wednesday.

[sanmagic7]

the situation w/ your roomie is a tough one - it's always difficult to watch someone hurting, especially if we care about them.  i'm sorry he won't get the help he needs - he really is the only one who can help himself.  still, it's a hard place for you to be, a hard thing for you to see.  i hope he'll step up for himself, but if he doesn't, it's not on you, sceal.  i can feel your frustration, and i think that's a sign that you are doing the right thing by moving out and onward - you're taking care of yourself.  that kind of attitude he's carrying around is toxic to your environment.

glad you talked to mr. T, and that it went well.  sounds like he gave you a different perspective on the situation.  personally, i like perspectives - they can make all the difference.  good for you for finishing the latter and giving it to lady T.

i think you're doing really well, sceal.  it may seem like trudging at times, but you are continuing to move forward, step by step.  and, i think the word 'sugarcoating' made sense.  personally, i'd rather have people be straight with me than sugarcoat what they want to say.

love and hugs, sceal, full of strength.

[Sceal]

Thank you San.
I too think I've made a lot of progress. The interessting thing that I am noticing now is that although the hard periods are over quicker, it's easier for me to change my energies when I'm not home to something more positive than being consumed by worry and fear like I would have a year ago.
But something else that is also happening is that I feel my emotions far more intenser now. They aren't behind a foggy veil. They are now out in the open, in full flower. They just aren't constant. I still don't know what all the feelings are. I don't have that connection yet.

[Blueberry]

the situation w/ your roomie is a tough one - it's always difficult to watch someone hurting, especially if we care about them.  i'm sorry he won't get the help he needs - he really is the only one who can help himself.  still, it's a hard place for you to be, a hard thing for you to see.  i hope he'll step up for himself, but if he doesn't, it's not on you, sceal.  i can feel your frustration, and i think that's a sign that you are doing the right thing by moving out and onward - you're taking care of yourself.  that kind of attitude he's carrying around is toxic to your environment.

[Blueberry]

I too think I've made a lot of progress.

You have indeed!

But something else that is also happening is that I feel my emotions far more intenser now. They aren't behind a foggy veil. They are now out in the open, in full flower. They just aren't constant. I still don't know what all the feelings are. I don't have that connection yet.

Idk if it helps you to know this, but I still don't always know what all my feelings are either. I guess that will maybe come for both of us when the time is right? When we wouldn't be overwhelmed, or something?

[Blueberry]

It helped. Although he is pretty harsh and it makes me wonder if I am generally in need of alot of sugarcoating. It's not the right term, but I don't know the proper one in English.

I like that he is so direct. He knows I can handle it, and I have asked for it. Although it gets unpleasant at times. Today I felt unpleasant and weak. Not enjoyable. But then again, very little feels enjoyable these days.

Maybe it's OK, necessary even to have a bit of sugarcoating or to have needed it in the past? If I understand you correctly anyway, it could be a kind of protection. Sometimes even my own realisations send me spinning, never mind harsh and direct words from docs and Ts. If you're feeling you can handle it now, that shows progress!

[Sceal]

To Blueberry:
I think you might be right, that we will eventually be able to learn these unknown emotions when things are less turbulent. Perhaps if we keep trying to put words to them they will give meaning in the end?

I feel like I don't really have much choice but to handle the directness of Mr.T (he is a psychiatric nurse and not technically a therapist). Especially since I did ask him to be frank with me. It has made me realize I need the pampering from others though. Perhaps a bit too much...

---
I have noticed I have a hunger for compliments. I crave them, even when I don't believe them. Even if I think they are lying when they give me compliments. But the absence of kind words makes me feel like I am failing. And critics (unless I have asked for it spesifically) makes me feel like I am Wrong. That there is something inherently wrong with me.  This new craving of compliments are annoying. I am hunting for them, I am trying to do my best in order to seek approval rather than working for me and doing what I think is fun or best.

Re: moving and roomie.
I don't think he has a new place yet. I have found several places for him. But I don't think he has reached out. Maybe he wont until he sees my PC and food and blanket isn't in the apartment anymore. Last minute stuff makes me stressed out. I wish he could just get it fixed. I wish he would grow up a little.  I am worried for him. He is stuck at rock bottom. I wonder if I should reach out to his family... He doesn't want me to though.
Maybe I should stop meddling. But it's so hard to just... Do nothing. To not help. To let him go.

[sanmagic7]

of course it's hard to let him go.  you're right there, seeing it happen.  i've had to let my mex. hub go lately because he's so triggering, and i know he's struggling a lot with no job, and i've been a great source of comfort and support for him.  still, i know it's best for me to cut the cord, so to speak because, altho i've given him an opportunity to possibly make some money, he never followed up on it (every week he'd tell me 'next week i'm going to start'), and there's nothing i can do about that.

i don't believe there's anything you can do about your roomie, either.  sometimes, people have to hit rock bottom before they begin to climb out of their hole.  but, that's not on us.  i'm sorry he's going thru this, and you're having to see it.

i understand the situation w/ mr. t - wanting frankness from him, yet needing gentleness and pampering from others.  i was just told by my interim t something similar - we are bereft as adults of gentle touch, words, and direction, yet the need for honesty from those whose advice we seek is monumental to building trust.  i believe you are a sweet soul, sceal, truly precious, and a very caring, concerned, lovely person all around.  thank you for being you.  love and hugs

[Sceal]

To San:
I hope that letting your mex hub go will help you. I recall having to let a friend go once when she was so far down and so desperate. But there was nothing I could do, and she only made me feel worse. But there was at least a little distance when I withdrew from her life. In roomies life, I am watching his life fall apart as I take away his security blanket (me).
My GP says that some men need to hit rock bottom before they are able to actually take choices and make changes. She also says that things might go really really bad for him, but that it isn't my responsibility.
I know she is right, but I don't know how to let him go. Or the fear or the feeling of responsibility.
All I know is that I don't want to be in this position ever again. I really don't.

I had the worst nightmares last night. I haven't had them so bad for a really long time. It was awful. I woke myself up and stayed up for an hour before trying to sleep again. I had more bad dreams, but not quite nightmare. I don't even know where my brain got any of these demons from.

Tomorrow I am seeing Mr. T and Lady T. It's pretty heavy to see them both on one day, but that's when he was available.. I take what I can get.
I worry that Lady T hasn't read my letter, or that she is annoyed with me. My GP says it's important not to get too attached to them, but it is hard not to. I am trying to not be too attached. My GP also agrees that I aren't finished in therapy now and that she'll send an application for an external slot if I need it.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with your GP about some people having to hit rock bottom.  One thing that helped me with this kind of thing is realizing that the other person has had plenty of time and chances to go get their own help and support for their issues, but for whatever reason, they have refused to do it.  your roomie has issues that need to be looked at, explored, and resolved, just like you.  he's seen you attend groups, go to multiple professional helpers, and utilize your time and energy in tackling your issues so you can live a more successful, healthy life.  he's seen you do all this, so he knows that there's help out there.  he needs to do the work, but he won't.  it's on him, sceal.

no matter what happens, he's had all kinds of time to take care of himself in a healthier way, but he's chosen not to.  his choice, not yours.  so, no matter what he does from this moment forward, it's still and always has been his own choice.  we can't make people choose healthier ways to live.  we can't love people enough so that they start loving themselves (i know cuz i've tried that with several husbands!).  and, yeah, the people that are necessary for us to let go of are the ones who make us feel worse rather than better.  i've done that with friends as well.

sorry about the nightmares - i don't doubt your subconscious is struggling with all this.  hope you get better sleep tonite.  keep taking care of you, ok?  personally, i do believe you're doing the right thing by getting out of there.  i'm just sorry he's making it so difficult for you.  love and hugs