Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

Dear San,
I just don't see how my influence on my Lady T is any more important, relevant, unique than other patients she has. I don't mean that I want to be better than others, but I also don't want to just be one of the many. Because then it's not really me, then it's just the sum of everyone. And that's not really influence, if that makes sense? She also said that if we didn't have therapist/patient relationship she would probably have called me up to ask me about travel advice. It felt like she wanted to say something else, or that she was trying not to say the wrong thing?

She came to my opening night. I don't know if she liked what she saw, I was too terrified all over, too overwhelmed. Suddenly I was the hostess for 30-40 people. It was amazing and wonderful that so many people came to support me, or were curious to see what it was all about, or just -I don't know. I was generally smiling all the time, but that's my default mode when I'm scared in a crowd. Or scared around people I am uncertain I can trust. So I'm not sure how visible it was that the only things that went through my mind was literally "Is it over soon?" "Breathe, breathe, breathe" "Where's Lady T? Where's lady M" (not mom) "I can't breathe. I can't breathe" "I need to get away".  I got so many compliments though, so many kind feedbacks. I just couldn't take it in. i should have taken my anxiety medication, but I was too focused on not collapsing that it slipped my mind. I got so many hugs.
And then it was over.
I got a text from my dad the next day saying he was proud of me. And my mom called and said she was worried I was about to faint during the speech. Which was true. I was about to faint. I'm impressed she noticed.
I'm scared to meet Lady T in two weeks now. I didn't dare ask her what she thought. Her opinion matters too much to me.

The next day I felt pretty okay. Almost proud. Content that I did it.
Over the weekend the restless energy resumed. It's like I can't sit still, I don't have the energy to run off with it. Yet I don't want to do anything. I don't have the mental energy to start anything, but I don't want to sit with my thoughts either.

Roomie and I had a huge fight, talk, thing. Emotions ran high. Tears and accusations where tossed around. And then we both got so drained we just gave up. The weird thing is.. It felt almost a little cleansing. He's not angry about me moving out. He's angry about me omitting the truth to him when I broke up. He's angry that I didn't let him protect me. But I couldn't. I was trying to protect him. Besides I don't believe I deserve protecting, so how could I let him?
I think he'll be okay. Eventually. If he dares to seek help. He has to feel hurt and angry for a while. And I'm terribly sorry that I am the one causing all this pain for him. But... at the same time... I never meant to, and I am also hurting too. The worst of the hurt happened to me, not him. He doesn't quite understand that. Maybe he never will. But that is on him - not on me.

I'm exhausted now.
I don't really want to be at home, but I got no where else to go.

[sanmagic7]

congrats on a successful exhibition, sceal!  it sounds wonderful!

by the by, i get what you mean about not just wanting to be one of the crowd.  i think your exhibition is an example of how you're not.  it brought a sense of satisfaction to me, and pride for you - both things that feel really good.  you impacted my life in a very meaningful way with it, and i don't doubt the same for Lady T.  i know it's difficult to see our uniqueness when we have all kinds of neg. statements running thru our heads.  you have friends, each one different, individual, and doesn't each one impact your life in their own way?   you've done that here, too.  i appreciate you, miss you when you're not here.  honest, i do.

sorry about the fight w/ your roomie.  soon . . .   love and hugs, sweet sceal

[Sceal]

Thank you San, for your words.
They mean alot to me. And if you're in doubt, you've impacted mine too. Enriched it with support, kind words and thoughts when I've needed it the most, and given me things to think about that has helped me alot.

I moved out a big chunk of my stuff today. It's only the first load of hopefully max 3. I'm moving into a tiny, tiny room at my parents. And I wont have space for nearly half of my stuff, so I have to let go of all of my furniture - with the exception of my desks and laundrymachine. They have a big enough house, but after my sister and I moved out it's been filled up with other stuff. My mother offered to give up her hobby room, but I can't do that. It'll drive her crazy. She loves her sewing.  I feel a little empty and quite stressed about the move. Not so much getting the stuff out, but the change. Saying goodbye to Roomie, for real.  It's no longer something that is happening in near-future. It's happening for real in 3 weeks. And at the end of march I just have to come back and clean up the appartment and hopefully get my deposit back. Fingers crossed.

I'm noticing I am capable of doing alot more things these days. I thought I would end up in a depression or be so exhausted due to stress. I'm worn out, but I'm not exhausted. I have almost everyday with stuff the next two weeks, and it's a bit much.. But also, I know I can handle it. I think that by staying busy I'm keeping my thoughts and emotions in check, and I might not be so affected. we'll see.

I am still worried about seing Lady T on Wednesday. It's silly, I know. But I am. I am worried.

[sanmagic7]

from what you've written about lady T, i think it'll go well. 

yeah, it sounds like it's going to be quite the adjustment - not just the move but the living area as well.  i hope it all goes smoothly as possible.

keep taking care of you as best you can while you're going thru this, ok?  love and hugs, my sweet sceal.

[Sceal]

I am sure it will go well too. I just feel embarrassed.

I think moving out is the right choice. I get annoyed when people ask me if roomie has a plan or if he knows where he is moving. O think I get annoyed because it reaffirm my thinking that I should be responsible for him. Help him out. That I am an utter b$&27# for moving out on him.
That's not why they are asking, or atleast that's what I hope. I hope they are asking due to small talk and doesn't actually believe it is my job to find him a place or to stay put.

I have also noticed that I get annoyed at people who give me advice on other things than what I ask. For example. I needed help cancelling a date. I am not ready. And I said " how do I phrase this cancellation so I don't give an elaborate explanation OR give room for finding a new date". And people just responded with either elabore excuses, lies or things that would imply another time would be good.  And it bothers me. It makes me feel like they aren't actually listening.

I feel stronger now though. I might be stricter and restricting alot more. But I am finding things that I like and I stand by them. I don't find excuses to why I like them, and I don't let myself be swayed by other people's disapproval or opinion. Some of the tiney

[sanmagic7]

wow, sceal - good for you!  just realizing, then knowing boundaries, etc., what we like and don't like can be big deals, and getting to that next step of sticking up for them is a major deal, to my mind.  so proud of you, my dear.  that strength of yours is coming thru for sure!

i totally get what you're saying about others w/ unnecessary advice, elaborate explanations, lies, etc.  i really think that some people aren't able to hear what we're saying because they don't comprehend the idea of being straightforward, simple, and/or to the point, but with diplomacy, not elaboration.  one of my pet peeves in that department is when someone suggests to me a way to do something, that i'm not keen on, and they begin giving me all kinds of reasons why it would be the best way.  they just have been programmed like that, i think - i used to do that because of that very reason, but have been able to stop.  i find it irritating now. 

same for asking about your roomie.  absolutely, he's not your responsibility, and i also hope no one is trying to lay that on you.  again, i think it's programming - i've found that an awful lot of people have a difficult time w/ communication because they hear something different from what the other person is saying, or they're letting their own background (like people-pleasing, taking care of everyone, that kind of stuff) get in the way of clarity.  i've developed the habit of shutting people down when they do that to me by telling them i've got to think about myself now and let him do the same for himself.  sometimes, a simple 'i don't know' lets them know i don't want to discuss it. 

sorry you feel embarrassed about Lady T seeing your work. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ continued self-knowledge

[Sceal]

Lady T "We need to talk about something you won't like".

Me. "No. I don't want to" *stares quietly out the window ignoring her.*

Me: "When do you leave?"

Lady T "The summer"

[sanmagic7]

oh dear. 

will she be gone for good or return after the summer?  as one who is struggling w/ her t being gone for several months due to surgery, i can totally relate.  i feel for you, my sweet sceal.  sending you much love and a warm, caring, compassionate embrace

[Sceal]

She is letting me go. Ending my treatment.
She believes that I need to experience being without a psychologist for a while, and to experience that I can handle it. Even through the hard periods.
There wont be a back-up or a safety net. She says we will work on a crisis plan. But I wanted to avoid a crisis plan, I don't want to end up in a place where I need it again.

I am heartbroken right now. I'm terrified. I asked her if she was afraid of me being to dependent on her. She said she is and she isn't. The truth is though, I am dependent on her. I am. There's no point denying it. I didn't confirm that I am. I am scared that if I tell her she'll get rid of me sooner.
She asked me how I was feeling. And I said it makes me feel like I have no control or say over what happens to me in my life. There's a imbalance in power, and no matter what I say or do - it wont change anything. She confirms that there is an imbalance in power. There is. She has power over me, she had that from the beginning.

I am scared and sad that I wont see her again after the summer.  I wish it would be  more like "I think we should try a 6 months period now without treatment, and then check in in 6 months and see how it's going. If it is working, or if you need more time". I'm not sure if I can ask for that.
Health care system here works differently than in the US or UK. I don't want to go in debth of it, in case it gives away where I am living.

[Snowdrop]

Oh no. This sounds awful! I would feel terrified in this situation too. Shocked too, as it sounds as though it's come out of nowhere.

Is it worth asking if you can perhaps try a few months without treatment and then get an appointment after this time? Just wondering if you have anything to lose by asking.

[Sceal]

Is it worth asking if you can perhaps try a few months without treatment and then get an appointment after this time? Just wondering if you have anything to lose by asking.

I was thinking of that. I will try, or atleast, I will make an argument for why.  I am sure I can handle the depressions when they hit, I can use my GP alot during my depressive periods.
But I don't know what to do when I lose touch with reality. When my sense of reality gets skewed, or when the paranoia sets in and doesn't let go.

[Sceal]

It feels like everytime I get a chance at stability it gets taken away from me.
It is crazy to rely so much on one person. But she has been the one stable constant in my life that has been in my corner. She's faught for me when I couldn't.  She believes me.
And now I am losing her.

I can't breathe.

[Not Alone]

I am almost without words. I would be shocked and terrified too. This is an enormous blow.

[sanmagic7]

that sucks, and i'm mad at her for doing this.  as you've said, you've been showing signs of feeling stronger, but i would think that a period of stability w/ that, and further progress would be more helpful.  and, why no consulting w/ you on this?  why not something more gradual?  or, like was suggested, a trial period?    

i don't blame you for any of your feelings, especially when you have such a life-changing event right in front of you.  i'm mad that she didn't at least wait till you were settled in your new space till she mentioned something about this.  it's not that i'm doubting your strength, sceal, but i don't like at all the way she went about it and her timing sucked.  grrrr!!!

we're here with you.  i don't think it's crazy at all - back in the day, i had a beautiful dog who was with me thru so many bad times, and having to get rid of him on a sudden notice almost did me in.  we do depend on those stable things in our lives - they're the ones who help us keep a modicum of stability for ourselves.

ooooohhh . . ..   i wish i could do something more than send love and hugs your way.  it's what i've got, tho, and they're heading out to you.

[Sceal]

Notalone: It is. Dealing with uncertainty isn't my strong suit.

San: I'm not really angry with her. I'm sad. I understand part of where she's coming from. She has given me an extra year after all, considering she changed jobs from outpatient care (for people like me) to In-patient care (people admitted to the psych.ward). It's extra work for her every second week.  But I will try and ask her for a gradual one. Or a better safety net than "if you get suicidal, then call this number".

I am sad, and I am worried. It's not the best timing to give me this notice. I wish she would have let me move first, and deal with the things surrounding it. But, at the same time. I think she knows, as well as I know, 3 month notice would definitively send me into a panic. I notice though that emotionally i'm pushing her away now. To protect myself. And I'm also disdainful of other people again. I don't want to be around them, and also. I don't want to be alone. I guess I don't want to be alone because I can't quite calm down. And I don't want to be around other people because I feel like I have to perform. Although they do give me a break from me. I guess, I just don't want to deal with new people?

I have been reading some of my patient-journal. I shouldn't, but I got access to it. And the last three session notes (excluding this week) kind of stings. It makes me come across as both needy and as being stuck. I told her I felt like my life is on pause, and she agrees to this assessment in the journalnote, but then she also writes that I am in my habitual mode.  I suppose I am reading this to put salt in my wound, but also to push her further away. My ego is quite fragile, and I am in such dire need of affirmations and positive feedback from others. It's embarressing to admit it. But I crave it, even if I don't actually dare to believe it. It also stresses me out. Having no feedback on a regular basis is better. Then I don't feel like I constantly have to prove I'm good enough, but also I don't get blows to my ego sending me into a downward spiral.
I'm weak and sensitive. Too sensitive. I pretend to be strong, and sometimes I convince myself that I am strong, but it doesn't take much to get me off my footing. I'm not proud of this, I also don't know what to do about it.

I have been setting alot more boundaries in my life than before. I'm almost getting used to it, at least certain kinds of boundaries. And that is good, but again... It's so easy to make me start thinking like you do, they do, anyone else. I either go from full doubting and questioning what everyone says and do, to fully believe what everyone says and do. I change because constantly questioning is exhausting, and sometimes I need a break. But it makes me question myself, about my PD. I still feel like Lady T is telling me that I wont get any better.
I guess a part of me kind of hoped I would get stronger, get a more sturdy foundation. But if she gives me up, which is what it feels like then what?
I know I got people in my life, but I don't have anyone in my corner quite like I had her.

I got a meeting with my Mr. T at the SA support centre on Monday. I will have to talk to him about this. And my GP on Tuesday. I panicked and booked an appointment with her..
I am terrified that I will end up becoming paranoid and delusional again. I don't want to go back to that. I really don't.