stuck stuck stuck

[sanmagic7]

o wg, you brought tears to my eyes!  you have just helped me so much.  thank you.

i'm on my way out for my session.  hopefully, i'm going to get some brain relief.  this has been so taxing, but i can't say enough about all of you and what/how you make me feel.  you're the best.

[Blueberry]

Wattlebird's comment: "You've always been an enormous encouragement to me and many others."

       

As one of the 'others', I admire and am sometimes in awe of your comments here. They're insightful, thoughtful, and empathetic. Sometimes it's not easy to get past the stuck parts, for all of us. Thank you so much for being you, and in the process helping us all 'ford the stream', so to speak.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I know you're out having your session at the moment, so I am thinking of you, and want to send you a comforting hug for when you get back, if it's helpful    I would also like you to know that I appreciate you so much, you have such amazing kindness, spirit and empathy - you are lovely and you have helped me so much with your kind and thoughtful words. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

o blueberry, you are so kind.  thank you for all of that.  i just love you to bits!

hope, so sweet of you to be thinking of me.  unfortunately, i got the dates mixed up and i freaked out this morning, so my session isn't until tomorrow.  thank you also for your kindness and caring.  it's so appreciated!  i can take your words and energy towards me, take it in, bring it inside, and it feels so good.  this is like the only place i feel safe anymore.   

i think because of much of my life having been spent in bars w/ other drunks, where we really didn't talk about much except surface stuff, even tho i've lived w/ both men and women for years on end, these friends do not feel as real and close and certainly not as caring as anyone here feels to me.  how strange is that! 

thank you all - again.  love you all so much!   

[Blueberry]

oh, no! I'm sorry you got the dates mixed!

[sanmagic7]

just got out of the shower, am now waiting waiting waiting.  i'm so stressed!  somehow this feels like a death to me, a death of a part of me that brings tears to my eyes to let go of.  i've been this way for so long, and i can't imagine how i would've gotten thru my life, accomplished what i did, navigated all the npd's in my life w/o it.  i'm so scared to give this part of me up!  it's by not being average that i've made it this far.

once again, i wrote this about not being average, and it was my father who demanded that of me and i have a picture of him from when he was in WWII on leave, in his uniform, and i saw his eyes looking at me.  i have to put that pic away - this is the second time it's happened to me in 2 days.  i can't have him judging me anymore.

omg, let this be over soon.

[Not Alone]

San, who you ARE, is acceptable and lovable and worthy of care and compassion. No pedestal needed. When I was traveling to the place where I grew up, you gave me the lovely picture of all of you coming with me. Maybe when you think of that photo of your dad, you can replace it with a picture of us, looking at you with love and acceptance.

[sanmagic7]

what a lovely image, notalone.  done and done.   

the pic of my dad is now in the closet - where it stood before is full of all of you - much more soothing, accepting. 

i'm a raw mess after the session.  will talk more later.  she told me to go for the meds - i was inches away from buying cigs.  bought fun food instead.  that's gotta be better than smoking, right?

[Snowdrop]

<puts a blanket round your shoulders>

[Blueberry]

  Yup, we're all there san, supporting you as you have supported so many of us in the past, and still do support us.

fwiw I'd say good for you staying off cigs. My eating habits aren't always healthy either, but I'd say it's better to stick with those habits we still have than bring back old ones we've long since laid to rest. mho only though.

It sounds as if you're going thru the wringer again. so here  Keep taking care of you.

[Not Alone]

A big hug for you.  (Hope wishes she was with you to eat the fun food. You could eat, wrap up in a blanket and watch a safe movie.)

[sanmagic7]

you all are beautiful, but i'm a raw mess, crying at the drop of a hat.  wish i could say more to you all, but thanks.

[Not Alone]

Love you, San.

[sanmagic7]

back atcha, notalone.  thank you - felt so warm to read that.

just woke up from a nightmare of my ex yelling in my face to TAKE THE HINT!, that his behavior isn't going to change, and i packed up my girls - they were quite young in the dream - and got us out of there.  can't get that image out from in front of my face, tho, which is why i wanted to write it here.  can't get away from this stuff, feel like i'm going mad.

i think in some ways the dream was pos., but i'm working so hard on this other stuff, too, that's been ripped open, and then his ugly face pops up, un-apologetic for what's he's done.think i'll go for a walk -- maybe that'll help.

[sanmagic7]

by the by, just wanted to let you know that i can picture the whole bunch of you standing on my shelf where my dad's photo was, you're all smiling and waving at me.  it's truly lovely and comforting.  thank you for that.  it helps.