stuck stuck stuck

[MoonBeam]

San, wanting to send love to you. I'm sorry its so hard. You have been and are so brave. You are walking through so much. I'm sorry I haven't been checking in as much.  I am with you in my heart and holding light for you.

This sounds like another layer and it sounds like one that's been a protective layer and with you for a long time. Perhaps you are mourning a bit more and shifting and letting go of even more of that which is not serving you on your journey of well-being and it is falling away, so more of your beautiful inner light can shine through.

I hope your walk was helpful and I am sending you a virtual giant bouquet of flowers that are beautiful shades of purples, blues, deep burgundy, yellows and creamy whites and they all smell amazing. These are to put on the shelf as well, to remind you that you are a sacred, worthy, lovely being who means so much to many.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, mb.  love the flowers - gorgeous!  love the love, too

feeling a bit better emotionally, but the stress has taken its toll, and i'm now sick.  throat, voice, fever, - ugh! 

[Snowdrop]

Oh no! I hope you feel better soon.

[woodsgnome]

ok -- just adding to the get-well vibes. You deserve the best, which is hard to pull off alone -- so I'm sending a reinforcing  .

[MoonBeam]

San, I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling well physically. Sometimes the universe just says-yeah, it's time to rest and heal. For some reason its easier for me to feel ok about truly resting and taking care of myself when I have a physical ailment as opposed to an emotional one. Though they both require and deserve rest and care. I am glad you are feeling better in your heart. I so hope the illness passes right through and you are feeling better so soon.

Slippery Elm tea with lots of honey is what I wish for you, and a warm cozy blanket and a really good audio book.  Big healing 

[sanmagic7]

sd, wg, mb - thanks to all of you.  healing vibes and hugs are always welcome

this is the stress flu, so it'll take its own time in going away.  i've got therapy thurs., an author gig (yeah, i know, right?!!) on sat. so i've got to be on my game for that.  i'm just sick of this - balls o' fire - that's starting to feel like my mantra.

i know what you're talking about mb, w/ our bodies telling us it's time to slow down.  this stress has been going on since sept. w/ these intrusive thoughts and hatred that i've been fighting, doing what i can to knock them out, so it's not just like i got a cold or something.  it's stress, pure and simple, and stress has had adverse effects on my body for many decades.

the reason i found out i was pregnant w/ my first baby over 40 yrs. ago was becuz of the stress of being pregnant.  i thought i had the flu, but it didn't go away, i was sick for a month, so decided to see the doc.  i had skipped a period, but i thought it was because i was feeling so sick.  nope.  the same thing happened w/ my second pregnancy - i couldn't work 2 days/week for feeling so flu-sy (no morning sickness, nothing like that).  this is exactly the same thing - stress.  i never think about it happening, it always takes me by surprise, but here it is once more.

so, now it's just a matter of time and rest as much as i can.  even walking is too much for me.  dang, i hate this crapola.  feel like i'm ringing the same bell over and over, and it's not a pretty sound.  ok, this just wore me out.  love you!

[Blueberry]

so, now it's just a matter of time and rest as much as i can.  even walking is too much for me.  dang, i hate this crapola.  feel like i'm ringing the same bell over and over, and it's not a pretty sound.  ok, this just wore me out.

That sounds very, very familiar, so I'm sending  I hope you get  or however you best can rest.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  sorry it sounds familiar, tho.  it sucks!

doing better today.  seeing my t tomorrow.  don't know how that will go down yet, but i do feel a bit more stable emotionally, so that's good.

just gonna keep resting.  seems like i'm doing a lot of that lately.  got an author gig on saturday, which is kind of exciting.  i'm sure my adrenaline will kick in for that.  still hard to believe.

[Three Roses]

Happy to hear you're feeling a bit better! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3r, for the applause!  it feels good to have my legs back - i was able to walk today - yay!

tomorrow is therapy, and i'm hoping for healing, which i'm also hoping will lead to more stability and less of these ugly intrusive thoughts.  dang, i'm so sick of them i could spit!  so, fingers crossed and prayers flying!

[Snowdrop]

I hope therapy goes well. Thinking of you.

[MoonBeam]

Hi San, so glad you are feeling a bit better. So glad therapy is feeling like a safe place for healing.

Keep on, keeping on love. And Congrats for the gigs! Yes, it is exactly right and you rock. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, sd, therapy went really well, thank you.  i feel pretty good today, much different than i did last week, so i think i'm making progress, which feels good in itself.

thanks, mb - yesterday therapy felt really good, and happily i really like my t.  she's got some twitchy ADD habits, but i've gotten used to them now, so they're assimilated in a good way as just being part of her and the environment.  they were a bit weird the first couple times, tho.  and thanks for the congrats - we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

one major thing that happened in therapy yesterday was i dissociated twice while working on stuff about my ex.  as far as i know, i've never been aware of dissociating before.  depersonalization, yes, but not dissociating.  it's possible all my other defense mechanisms continually came into play to keep me unaware.  at any rate, my t told me to ask my d not to mention her father at all in any way for the next 12 weeks.  since family things have come up, she does mention him occasionally in context of him sending her money and stuff - that had been an issue between us from when we first started living together - but she knew that i didn't want to talk about him and has respected that.

when i told her about this, she asked if we could get some stuff straightened out cuz she was recognizing the money thing, but also the horrible black vibes that would come over me when for instance, she received a check from him special delivery wrapped in a big plastic bag and i'd asked what it was.  when she told me, i completely shut down, said 'buy something pretty for yourself' but it wasn't quite my voice that came out.  very stilted and raspy.  so, she wanted to know how to avoid that kind of thing in the future.

i told her that i wouldn't ask her anymore about anything she receives so we don't run into that same problem again.  she also agreed that she wouldn't mention him in any context, no matter how benign.  i think this may have helped her to understand the severity of how he's affected me, cuz i'm able to talk about anyone and anything else without anywhere near the same kind of reaction.  so, that was a really good thing to come out of that session.

i also got an assignment to basically have a funeral (i used to have these funerals all the time, have had 25 or 30, used to write about them here) for that family of mine with all its hopes and dreams that didn't come true, write all about it, and grieve, grieve, grieve.  she specifically told me to cry about it all. 

the crying component is important, i think, cuz, like i told her, i've never cried about any of my breakups in any relationships along the way.  i'm suspecting that my body is full of toxic tears (fibromyalgia, perhaps, is the result?), but grieving and crying with a purpose has only become relevant to me in the past few years.  i have more of a focus now - i cry at the drop of a hat - but it's usually at acts of love and kindness that i see either portrayed or in reality, things that i haven't had much of.  so, looks like i'll be doing some active grieving next week.  i dread it, it'll be horrible, but i know it'll be good for me.  gotta get this crapola out of me!

so, ever onward.  hard row to hoe and all that.  still, like i told her, the way i feel, how my body reacts to this stress is no quality of life, and if i want to make it 20 more years, i don't want to live like this.  she totally agrees, so that's our goal.  quality of life.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Glad that your therapy went well, and sending you a hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much - always appreciate a hug from you, hope.