Out of the Storm

new journal.

i was so optimistic in my previous journal, that i was going beyond all this and was making so much progress.  instead, it feels like i've been thrown back into the ring, punching all the old nemeses i've been battling over and over. 

i called the possibly new t this morning, she called in, so i didn't get a chance to speak w/ her.  left a message, now have to play the waiting game.  this is taking too much out of me, i don't know what to do w/ it.  i'm not able to get a handle on any of this crapola anymore.  can't even enjoy fun tv shows for distraction.  i'm i don't know what anymore. :fallingbricks:

Just an idea, but how about something physical like a walk or something? Or visiting our Healing Porch here?  :Idunno:

San,
It stinks that you are dealing with some of the old nemeses. That doesn't negate the FACT that you have made huge progress. I have optimism for you that you will move through this time that feels so awful. For now, do what you can to bring yourself comfort: blanket, tea, stuffed animal, writing, music, &/or Three Roses' suggestions.  :hug:

hey, 3r, yes, i filled my day w/ phys. stuff - it felt like the right thing, so you already knew.  then, i went and smashed my toes on the door, don't know if i'll be able to smush them into my walking shoes tomorrow morning, but i'll give it a shot.  thank you, dear heart.

thanks, notalone, for what you see in me.  it means a lot.  i'm just blah-ed out today now, and waiting to see if that t will call me back tomorrow.  i sure hope so.  i need some help.  otherwise, i'll just lay back and wait - again - till my system reboots.  it's all i can do with this.

Hope you feel better soon San; hang in there! Take care! :)

thanks, jazzy, for the encouragement.  it means a lot.  i'm just so down right now. ugh!  :hug:

Hey San. I'm thinking of you. Sending light and love. I have no words of wisdom, just thinking, sometimes all we can do is put our heads down and get through, one step in front of the other, rest often, and try not to be too hard on ourselves while we're in it. Sometimes we've just got to burn through it.  I understand how awful it feels.  I understand and am with you.
This will pass. I believe it (and honestly that's saying a lot) ;).
Big heart  :hug: Hang in and I hope you find some relief soon.

Dear san

This too will pass. What is stuck will come unstuck.

I'm really sorry the T is not reachable when she should be. Waiting around not knowing is a real downer :pissed:

Standing with you.  :grouphug: :hug:

mb, your words were a balm on my heart.  thank you.

bb, thank you for the support.  so appreciated.

dang, this has been 2 mos. now of this crapola, in one form or another.  and i wanted to walk this morning, got my walking shoes on, thought i could walk thru it, but the more i walked around the house in them, the worse the pain got.  feels like i'm juggling swords and chansaws and burning torches.  i know this will pass, but dang, i need a break and can't catch one.  my foot is burning right now from cramming it into my shoe.  ugh!  yes, i'm on the porch, will be whisked there by benevolent fairies cuz i can't walk there!  hahaha!  cuddling up on my rocker for the day. :grouphug:

Wish it could be IRL, but sending you a warm blanket and coloring books and pencils and crayons.

Yes, and I'll wheel in a tv so you can watch tennis!
:heythere:

San,

I am sending you healing and positive vibes.  Hang in there x

notalone, 3r, snookie, thank you so much.  i drawing on your support - feeling very off track right now.  i absolutely love what you're giving me.

still no word from the t.  don't know what to think.  pressure behind my breast bone, and i think, and so sad to realize this, that i may have to call her again, get the energy up for myself once more, wishing she'd do it for me.  i'm so ired, this is so wearing.  :fallingbricks:  :sharkbait: :bawl: :sadno:i feel like a broken record.  come to think of it, there are probably people here who don't even get that reference!   :doh: :stars: ??? :))

I get broken record! I'm wondering what your reasons are for not calling the therapist again. I know what might go through my head, but I don't want to assume you have the same thoughts. At any rate, it might help to be cognizant of why you're hesitant to call. Here for you, sweet San.

 :hug: sending a big hug filled with comfort and heart felt eat to listen. Sorry I've been away so long finally starting to feel a little more human.  You have made so much progress San and Ben so inspiring for me.  Hang in there this to will pass.  Things will get better.  I hope when you call this time you are able to speak to the T.  I'll shoot with you on the porch and listen to your stories, wrap my arm around you and be there with you till your ok. :hug:

notalone, my experience w/ t's has been horrific.  1st was npd, damaged me no end.  i've had to fire 3 out of 6 for harm or incompetence, 1 bailed on me, one was meh.  i want a t who will take care of me, help me.  i've had to tell t's what i need, how i need it, how to do it, even.  i've had to work thru their damage layered over my other traumas.  not one told me i was traumatized and treated me for that. 

ok, gotta stop.  this is all too triggering.  thanks for your support and concern, sweetie.

thanks tee, i love your comfort and care.  thanks for being with me.

Setting out a basin of warm water with a dash of epsom salts to soak your foot and a lovely fluffy towel to dry it with. I'm so sorry you haven't heard back from your T, I know how anxiety provoking that can be.  Hold everyone's well wishes, care and concern close to your heart, it might help the pressure in your chest subside a bit.  :grouphug:

thank you, kizzie - that's a great reminder, and i'll do just that.  and thanks for the nurturing for my foot.  it sucks that i can't walk outdoors - i get so much piece of mind (yep, spelled it correctely) when i do that.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 07, 2019, 03:25:22 PM
i think, and so sad to realize this, that i may have to call her again, get the energy up for myself once more, wishing she'd do it for me.  i'm so ired, this is so wearing.  :fallingbricks:  :sharkbait: :bawl: :sadno:

Dear san,

I so get this. Especially having to get the energy up for yourself, that being so tiring and wearing, wishing the other would do it. She was meant to contact you wasn't she? Or at least she shouldn't be so difficult to reach!

Idk what I can say to help, except to send :hug: :hug:  sit with you and feel  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: on your behalf.

bb, you are a sweetheart.  thanks for all the emotion i couldn't achieve for myself! :hug:

i did talk to her, she says she knows about c-ptsd, is emdr trained, knows dissociation, all that good stuff.  i told her a little about all the damage from other t's, she said she's been hearing a lot of that lately.  hmmm . . . i'm now relieved to have an appt. in 2 weeks, and have some hope. 

taking it easy tonite, exhausted.  gotta rest again to feel better after all the stress of this.  so, i'm staying on the porch, but want to thank everyone for your care and support.  i kept you close to my heart today while waiting for the call, like kizzie suggested, and it helped keep me sane.   :grouphug:

San, I'm sorry you have been so hurt by so many therapists. I have some hurt from therapists also and I know the damage can severe. Glad you were able to talk to her and get some information and hope.

I'm glad you spoke to the t. Sounds promising. :hug:

Quote from: notalone on November 08, 2019, 03:13:22 AM
San, I'm sorry you have been so hurt by so many therapists. I have some hurt from therapists also and I know the damage can severe. Glad you were able to talk to her and get some information and hope.

:yeahthat: Same goes for me, which you know, san. But it bears repeating.  :hug: :hug:

Sorry for stealing your words notalone. It's easier, takes up less energy for me.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 08, 2019, 12:20:45 PM
Sorry for stealing your words notalone. It's easier, takes up less energy for me.

Completely okay. I do the same thing. It also helps me to know that what I said was worthwhile.

San, don't want to hijack what you are saying, but wanted to respond to Blueberry.

 :) :)

Now back to you san, or back to replies to you ;)

I'm so happy you have that appointment now, and that she's trauma informed! Trust the magic, dear San! You've been through so much, it's time for good things now. 🏵️🏵️🏵️

Quote from: Three Roses on November 08, 2019, 03:38:29 PM
I'm so happy you have that appointment now, and that she's trauma informed! Trust the magic, dear San! You've been through so much, it's time for good things now. 🏵️🏵️🏵️

:yeahthat:   

I really feel that things have changed and continue to change day by day in understanding and promoting healthy therapy for trauma. (I didn't say that very well, but it gives me hope that there is greater understanding and open-mindedness--and faith in those of us who need help, to know what we're talking about or going through). Hopefully this time your T becomes an ally on your journey. Ready to support you in this next phase of your healing.

Hang in and keep taking care of you. Warm epsom soaks are a brilliant tool for healing achey, injured feet. I hope you rest with a warm soak and giant mug of cocoa with extra whipped cream.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

bb and notalone, i don't for a minute feel like anything was hijacked.  i know how these things can sometimes overlap - been there, etc.  i'm glad you're able to use each other in a positive way - it warms my heart to see it, and that's a good thing for me, too. :hug: :hug:

thanks, snowdrop, for the reinforcement.  i don't trust myself to know those kinds of things, so i appreciate you commenting on it.
:hug:
3r, you brought the tears tumbling down, but good, cleansing tears.  thank you for always being there for me. :hug:

thanks, mb, for the cocoa - i have been drinking some lately, and loving it.  i'll make a search to see if we have epsom salts - you're the second person who mentioned it.  and, yeah, there is a lot more understanding about trauma out there.  i think one of the things that did get my hopes up is that this t mentioned she's seeing a lot more people who have had damage done to them by other t's.  it seemed like being aware of that, treating that because she's aware of it was a really pos. sign to me.  don't know exactly why. :hug:

i was able to walk a short ways this morning, and that was grand.  still favoring my left foot, but i didn't want to wreck my right leg by walking too far.  still, the air was crisp, the forest smelled fresh, the ocean was steel gray w/ lovely, crashing waves.  foamy white after smooth, slow rolls. 

i'm going to give myself a pat on the back here, too.  thru all this, i have not smoked nor drank, have not contacted past unhealthy people (altho all of those have come to mind in the past 2 mos.).  i'm eating everything in sight, it seems, but i'm not gonna get down on myself for that right now.  i can take care of that at a later date.  3 days of xanax this past week has also helped me keep my sanity, as well as sometimes forcing myself to write here.  i'm considering this a win.

i'm not feeling stable yet, and, yes, 3r, thanks for the reminder -  trusting the magic.  i just doused myself in it this morning on my walk.  had a terrible nightmare about being chased by monsters.  when i looked it up, 2 places said it was about avoidance, but i haven't a clue as to what i may be avoiding.  and, my t warned me yesterday that doing this therapy might be painful - i just laughed, said i'm not scared of pain, i live in pain every day. 

it will be interesting to see how she handles the bi-lateral stimulation part of the emdr.  a lot of t's use light bars ) or audio stimulation w/ headphones (i've done both), and i'm not a fan of the technology.  my brain/mind responds much better to finger waving or tapping or even when i smack alternate arms of my chair for the audial part.  i hope i don't have a problem w/ that.  but, there goes my mind, trying to actualize every possible incident that may come up so i feel ready and have a plan for it.  i think i'm more nervous about this than i realized.

i'm also nervous about what to say, how to start the conversation.  it was like pulling teeth w/ my last t, and i'm hoping this one takes the lead, asks me questions, directs me.  so, that's the stuff my mind is wrapping itself around now.  i just asked myself if i'm trying to sabotage, but, no, it's just that i've been thru this so long, i know what does and doesn't work for me.  still, here, too, i have to trust the magic. i'm hoping that by writing it here, it'll help neutralize the worries.

i'm still on the porch - thanks for the blankets, coloring books, tv, everything you all have offered.  you're wonderful people.

 :cheer: for being able to go for walks again! Have you come a little unstuck?  :hug:

thanks, blueberry,  yes, a wee bit.  still treading lightly, tho. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 08, 2019, 06:26:46 PM
i think one of the things that did get my hopes up is that this t mentioned she's seeing a lot more people who have had damage done to them by other t's.  it seemed like being aware of that, treating that because she's aware of it was a really pos. sign to me.  don't know exactly why. :hug:

Hey San, that sounds super validating and positive to me--that she not only acknowledges, but like you said, she's aware and will be paying attention and be accountable.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 08, 2019, 06:26:46 PM
i'm going to give myself a pat on the back here, too.  thru all this, i have not smoked nor drank, have not contacted past unhealthy people (altho all of those have come to mind in the past 2 mos.)...  3 days of xanax this past week has also helped me keep my sanity, as well as sometimes forcing myself to write here.  i'm considering this a win.

I totally agree! A win and a testament to your strength and willingness to walk through it even though it's really, really hard.

Big Heart  :hug:

thanks for your validation and support, mb.  lovelovelove it and you!  heart :hug:right back atcha!

Wow, so much has happened today! It sounds like a lot of good stuff. Its great you have an appointment made, and it sounds pretty positive to look forward to. I wish you all the best with it. Glad to hear your foot is healing as well. I'm sure you'll be back to your long walks before you know it. The fresh air must be wonderful; even just on the porch. Take care! :)

thanks for the enthusiasm jazzy.  the fresh air really does do me good!  i was able to extend my walk a little today, and that felt great as well.

so, healing, healing, mind, body, and spirit.  little by little.  these setbacks get wearing, tho.  always scrabbling about to get back to where i was, let alone make any progress forward.  dang!

still resting.  rocking on the porch, going thru the final edits, and when that's finished, it'll be formatted.  maybe totally finished by the end of the year?  dang, again!  wouldn't that be great!!!

sending love out to you all.

I hope your rest is doing you good and your foot is recovering. Sending you love and hugs :hug:.

thank you, snowdrop.  i'm glad i dipped in here and saw this from you.  loved it!

today is the first day, actually, that i'm feeling halfway human.  honestly, my mind has been such a mess.  still not all the way back to where i was 2 mos. ago, but today at least felt better.  fingers crossed and prayers flying!

I'm glad you're heading in the right direction. I will join you in the finger crossing and prayers :hug:.

thanks, snowdrop - i appreciate that!  can't hurt, right? :hug:

The more the better :hug:.

I was having a brain fog not too long ago. I felt like my mind wasn't working. like I had no cognitive abilities at all. Someone suggested it might be an inflammation going on in my body. Or that I had vitamin b1 deficiency.  I was just thinking, could you be suffering from some of this too that's working against you?

 :hug: hoping your day is better today San.  Been thinking of you often. Big hug! :hug:

snowdrop, i agree, and i welcome them all.   :hug:

hey, sceal, thanks for the thoughts.  i do take vitamins, plus b-complex, so i think i'm ok on that front.  inflammation is always w/ me, so that's nothing new.  i believe this is just an overload of stress, which is my nemesis, and always affects me in a similar way.  plus, i've had to do a lot of thinking to get my book finished, and i pushed myself toward the end, so that is probably part of it.  i've just had so much to deal w/, one thing after another, in the past few months, i couldn't catch a breath.  it piled up and overwhelmed me - lots of triggers by themselves, and w/ the book, lots of stuff from the past slammed me in the face.  too much.  but i appreciate your suggestions, i really do. :hug:

hey, tee.  i'm doing a bit better, but i can tell that, while i've at least been able to be on this side of sanity more securely, i'm still quite exhausted mentally and emotionally.  don't have all my energy back yet, altho it's beginning to show itself a bit more, of which i'm glad to see.  my t appt. is in 8 days, and that's what i'm holding onto right now.  even so, i'm nervous cuz i don't know where to begin!  i hope she helps me.  thank you! :hug:

i realized today that i am really wobbly yet.  feel like i'm hanging on by my fingernails.  can't get out from under this.  these feelings are still hitting me, even when i think i'm making progress.  i'm sick to death of this.  t appt. is still a week away.

Hang in there, you're going to make it. The day will be here before you know it.  :hug:

thanks, 3r - you give me strength, and i appreciate it. :hug:

Sending you strength and compassion, san :hug: :hug:

i so appreciate it, blueberry. thank you. :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug: back atcha, notalone.  thanks.

headache tonite.  still hangin' on, but it's a struggle.  i'm really tired of struggling. . . . .

Not long to go until your appointment, dear San. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop :hug:

just want to get this out, cuz my mind is becoming overcrowded and suffocating me.  the closer this appt. comes, the more nervous i get.  2 hr. assessment appt.  i can't imagine anything coherent coming out of me cuz it's all so convoluted, so intertwined, everything w/ everything else, one detail leads to another issue.  i told her some of the stuff on the phone and finally stopped cuz i sounded to myself like i was ranting.  i so want this to be different for me.  every story has so many details, and there are so many stories it feels like i could talk for hours and hours and not get everything out.  right now the entire premise feels impossible.  i'm drowning in this and i *should* be looking forward to something that's going to help me not be like this.   :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars:

i can't even make sense of what i'm saying here, but i just don't want this inside me anymore.

You certainly will not be able to tell her everything in 2 hours, and I doubt that she expects that. When I go to therapy I feel a mix of anticipation because I will be heard. I also feel fear or anxiety because it means diving into pain. Would it help if you write bullet points of what you want to cover? Your increasing nervousness makes complete sense to me. You will be seeing a professional and if she is good, she will be able to help and guide you through the assessment. Hang in there, dear San.

I agree with Notalone try to make list just in case.  Just breathe you will be great.  Hugs! :hug:

 :yeahthat:

I was assessed earlier in the year, and it was a mix of going through my story, and going through my symptoms. I took in notes on both. I had to go through standard questionnaires for my symptoms. These included ones on depression, general anxiety disorder and PTSD.

notalone, tee, and snowdrop - love you, and thanks :hug:

had a breakdown yesterday, still not able to move my legs very well, having a hard time walking yet today. 

my d, who edited my book, did everything for it, also put it on the market as an e-book.  the print version is not available yet, as it had to be roofed.  the proof came in the mail the other day and i haven't even been able to look at it yet.  too much excitement = too much stress on top of everything else that's been going on.  so, ok, she's going to take care of it all for me.  i still haven't looked at my program in book form, a dream of mine for 25 yrs.  tears welling up now just writing this.

yesterday, she called to me as i passed by her office, very excited.  she'd gotten notification that someone had bought the e-book!  i was stunned, yelled o f* me, and collapsed against the wall sobbing,  as people have mentioned here, it became ugly crying, and i just began sliding down the wall cuz i couldn't stand anymore.  these were not tears of joy or release, but sobs of agony all leading back to my ex who'd told me he wouldn't edit my work because he didn't want his name attached to something that was going to fail.

i absorbed that, just like i absorbed eve4ry other bad thing that had happened between us, and that was that.  since he was a journalism major in college, i'd gone to him as someone who knew about words and such.  i didn't realize the impact of his words till yesterday.

he ruined this for me (tears starting again), this day that should've been a validating triumph for me.  my d told me it was really good, the program was really good, that just by reading thru it w/o doing any of the exercises it's helped her w/ awareness and guilt.  i've always believed it was a good program, feedback has told me that, but his dismissal, someone i thought loved me and wanted to help me, did more damage than i ever imagined.

i'm shaking right now, repeatedly said yesterday and this morning that i hate him, even pounded my bed a bit in anger but i don't have the energy.  i can't believe this *. i have never hated a human being in my life, but i hate him, and this is all so sad to me that i can't enjoy this.  maybe someday, but right now i'm a husk, can't hardly move.  i know my appt. is wed., but right this minute i just want this all to go away.  tears now.  i guess this is another xanax day - i just have to get thru today to tomorrow.  then, one more time.

my d said yesterday that she hoped i wasn't going anywhere, and i told her i had no plans to.  if it weren't for her, i don't know how i'd hang on.  this stuff sucks so much, sucks the life out of people, sucks the joy out, the happiness, the plain old enjoyment of being alive.  i'll make it, but i'm so mad about this, that i can't revel in this accomplishment.  i hate it.  sad to bursting.

Oh San, I'm so sorry. I understand how emotional finishing something like that can be, and I completely get it flooring you in that way. I'm glad that you were able to write about it though, and I'm also glad your d has been so supportive.

There's not long to go until your appointment, dear one. You can make it. I'm sending you all the love and hugs in the world. Maybe some time on the porch would help?

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  already there, don't know for how long.  i'm blasted. :hug:

Quotethese were not tears of joy or release, but sobs of agony all leading back to my ex who'd told me he wouldn't edit my work because he didn't want his name attached to something that was going to fail.

San I know this probably goes without saying but it's likely  your ex responded as he did not because he believed you would fail, but that  you would succeed as you have (congrats! :thumbup:)  And how small does that make him?  It hurts I know, but if you can summon up some righteous anger to counterbalance the blow I think you will be able to feel your success more and leave your ex's comments where they belong, in the rubbish. 

If/when you're ready and the book comes out in print, I hope you will consider letting me add it to the  "Books" (https://www.outofthestorm.website/books-1) section, and even perhaps do a blog article about the what it's about and the reason you wrote it. As you may/may not know there have been a number of survivor authors write about their books at the blog (https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers).

Here for you as you have been for us  :grouphug:

 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2019, 02:09:25 PM
these were not tears of joy or release, but sobs of agony all leading back to my ex who'd told me he wouldn't edit my work because he didn't want his name attached to something that was going to fail.

i absorbed that, just like i absorbed eve4ry other bad thing that had happened between us, and that was that.  since he was a journalism major in college, i'd gone to him as someone who knew about words and such.  i didn't realize the impact of his words till yesterday.

I wish there was a stomping feet emoji because I am mad at your ex for being so unkind and using poisonous words. San, I am sending you a ton of love.  :hug: You have your precious daughter who loves you and we are here for you too. Keep going day by day, moment by moment if you need to. Last night was a xanax night for me too to keep from SI. Yes, this all really sucks.  :hug:

kizzie, thank you.  once again, a different perspective hit all the right notes.  the way you put it, something that hadn't crossed my mind, clicked pieces into place in a way they hadn't before.  suddenly, i wanted to break things!  since that wasn't practical, i took a crate of shoes, went downstairs (i told my d what i was about to do, she put her headphones on) and began throwing shoes against the door w/ all my might, yelling, screeching -pretty guttural and primal - cursing, and kept throwing as hard as i could, over and over until i was panting and sweating and got it all out.  just as suddenly, my legs worked again, and even this morning i feel pretty much back to normal.

righteous anger, indeed!  this has happened before w/ my legs, many, many times.  often, i've had to wait days on end before i could walk properly again.  when i finally connected it to anger,and was able to do something physical and basic to get it out of me, all that neg. energy was released and i got my power back again.  repressed anger takes it away even on a physical level.

yesterday morning i knew i should be angry about this, but when i tried beating the bed, i just didn't have enough energy to do even that.  once i could feel the anger welling up, recognized it for what it was, the 'should' turned to something that 'was', and my energy returned in a very real way.   it was your words, those certain words at that certain time that turned the tide for me.  thank you so much, kizzie.  timing is everything. :hug:

notalone, thank you, my dear.  the idea of a foot-stomping emoji is so right on! especially in my case, cuz that's just how this hits me every time.  i love the idea!  getting my emotions up to my consciousness is a process for me, and doesn't always happen anyway.  but, anger, i've found, is where my power lies.  i rarely got angry in the past, just didn't feel it, but every so often, when i was pushed to my limits, it would explode, and i'd do something physical.  once i pushed my sister down the hall (she got me back later that day - she was a bully), once i threw a plate of spaghetti at the wall (hub #1), and i yelled at hub #2 when the crapola hit the fan before i left mex.

all the rest of my life, anger has been absorbed, and my muscles are full of toxins (i'm sure of that) and painful (have been diagnosed w/ fibromyalgia), but, as van der kolk says, the body keeps the score, so i believe all this phys/emot. stuff is related and connected.  part of why i write about this stuff is cuz i don't want others to have this happen to them.  getting this gunk out of us is so important!  i don't want anyone to go thru what i go thru physically cuz they kept their emotions/feelings inside.

so, thank you, notalone, for all your love and well wishes.   i hope you can tap into your own  stuff that's hurting you and let it out.  so very sorry for the extent your issues take you - i've been there, and it's not a fun place to be.  i'm glad for xanax as it's helped keep you with us.

as for my book, kizzie, i don't know if you really want it posted here.  it is a self-help book detailing a program i created about 25 yrs. ago that addresses body image, food and eating issues and everything connected to them, how to 're-discover your personal power of choice'.  it's not my personal story, altho the issues are gleaned from both a personal and professional experience.  i'll pm you.  thanks for the offer, tho.  we'll see.

in the meantime, this morning i can walk, my head is clearer than it has been in a long time, and even the nervousness about seeing this new t has abated.  (still a little nervous, but right now it feels manageable).  so much of anger is connected to personal empowerment - it amazes me to this day.

thank you all for being with me thru all this.  sending love and a hug filled w/ gratitude for you being you. :hug:

You are such a strong, fierce warrior. Well done. :cheer: and  :hug:.

 :thumbup:  San, glad you got it out and you're feeling better. 

Could not agree more with you about the trauma poisoning/inflaming our systems:

Quoteall the rest of my life, anger has been absorbed, and my muscles are full of toxins (i'm sure of that) and painful (have been diagnosed w/ fibromyalgia), but, as van der kolk says, the body keeps the score, so i believe all this phys/emot. stuff is related and connected.  part of why i write about this stuff is cuz i don't want others to have this happen to them.  getting this gunk out of us is so important!  i don't want anyone to go thru what i go thru physically cuz they kept their emotions/feelings inside.

We really do need to get the trauma out of our body, not just our mind and heart.  :yes:

Fingers crossed for today, San. :hug:

i agree, kizzie.  it has to go somewhere, and if we don't express it, let it out, it will stay inside and hurt us.  thank you. :hug:

snowdrop, what can i say.  you're spot on once again in the middle of my night - it's 3 am and i'm already awake.  innards are a mess.  that 2 days of feeling so high and happy quickly dissolved into nervous and fear.  afraid i won't like her, she won't live up to my expectations, she won't like me, or just find that she bit off more than she can chew.

since most all my woundings are intercionnected, detailed stories that hark back to others, i don't see a very straight path here.  i'm worrying myself for nothing, i know, but i know how this process goes, and there will be continuing tendrils reaching out when we're working on one part.  so much attached to everything else.  i can only trust the magic - 3r, i hear you in my head - and have faith in myself to deal with this, do what i need to do.

thanks, snowdrop!   :hug:

We're all here, and we've got your back. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  it's reassuring.   :hug:

it was a rough assessment - i talked for about 1 1/2 hrs., then my brain shut down and my legs stopped working, so i ended up hobbling out of there, but i'm glad she was able to see how quickly that happens.  i explained to her about ef's, amygdala hijacking, and gave her handouts on alexithymia, how it can play out physically as well as the emotional disconnect.  she wasn't familiar w/ any of them, but at the end i did ask if she thought my diagnosis was complex ptsd and she said absolutely. 

she was also one of those people who smiles and nods a lot, which, while i was blubbering as i was immersed in my past, was quite off-putting.  it wasn't long before i told her i had to stop and ask if she found this stuff humorous, cuz of all the smiling.  she jerked her head back, said no, and i said i asked cuz i am as far away from a smiley face as was possible.  she then said she was just trying to lighten . . . and i said, lighten the mood?  there is nothing here to lighten.  i then told her that if this was too much for her, if she was uncomfortable with this, that i would leave, and that would be ok, i'd understand.  i think that brought her up sharply.

she immediately made her face serious, apologized several times, and said oh no, that 's not it at all, i'm very sorry.  i told her that i felt i had to be totally honest with her, and she said she appreciated that. we were able to continue after that.  i also told her that i needed help, direction, and therapy, that the last t i fired was cuz she told me she was there to support and validate me, and that i ended up writing to her refusing to pay the balance of what i'd owed cuz she hadn't done anything for me.

i also told her about this place saying that i got plenty of support and validation from everyone here, and she took the name down.  she also asked if she could keep my copies of info on alexithymia.  those 2 things gave me a little hope that she may be willing to do her own work on this stuff.  we'll see how it goes in later sessions, especially when the actual eye movement/trauma processing phase begins.  i told her about the work we here on the forum did in letting other emdr t's know about how re-traumatized people had become from their t's, even those who'd purported to be trauma informed. 

so, i basically laid it all out there.  this is my last shot, and i've got to have it the best way for me or i was ready to walk.  not gonna put up with the b.s. anymore.  enough is enough.  she's my last shot, and i don't have time to waste anymore.  i've got several more appts. set up, and she's got lots of info w/ which to work and set up a plan for treatment.  so, full steam ahead.

more good news is that i told her about the med problem i was having w/ my doc on prescribing xanax for me in order to not only sleep but to combat the occasional anxiety from going thru waves of triggers.   she told me that there's a shrink in the building who she can refer me to in order to get the med problem taken care of.  she referred to those meds as the 'naughty' meds, twice, which struck me as a little weird, but i let that pass.  pick your battles, right?   we also talked about whether i was depressed, i said i didn't think so, but at this point i can't tell anymore.  she thinks we'll try getting rid of the trauma stuff first, see if there's any underlying depression later.  so, that's another wait and see.

i'll go back in 2 weeks, and then have weekly appts. lined up for jan.  we'll see what happens, but right now, i'm in, and looking forward to seeing a shrink for the meds.  that would be good. 

thank you all for all your support.  i'm pretty much a wreck right now, it might be a few days before i get my legs back, but i got thru it.  trust the magic - a friend gave me a stone on which she wrote that, and i took it along w/ me today.  i think it helped me be able to speak up.  it was an unexpected strength that coursed thru me as i was telling her what i needed and what i was looking for and what i didn't want.  that felt extra good.  just wanted to get this out, but i'll probably be kicking back for a few days.  i need my energy right now to process all this, get myself back together. 

i hope everyone enjoys their holiday or generally their weekend.  love and hugs all around. :grouphug:

It sounds as though it was rough, but well done for getting through it. Well done for speaking up. Well done for telling her what you need. Well done for telling her what you don't need.

I hope you get lots of rest. Thinking of you, and sending you love, hugs and support. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  it did feel good to say all those things.  some of what's going on w/ her face contortions may be personality stuff - she seemed like the kind of person who likes to be pleasing to people, but that's for another day.  only a few times did her face and voice match a sense of realness, which i would prefer.  don't know what she's like as a t, yet, but i'll keep the faith.   :hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on November 28, 2019, 07:57:50 AM
It sounds as though it was rough, but well done for getting through it. Well done for speaking up. Well done for telling her what you need. Well done for telling her what you don't need.

:yeahthat: :hug: :hug: to you san

Just hugs San... just hugs

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

blueberry and db, thank you so for the hugs.  they are cradling me.  it just occurred to me that i may be incredibly strong to the outside, but inside i'm still rather mushy.  i don't normally notice that, but i can feel it right now.  yeah, like i just want to be cared for.  those hugs are all very caring.  this must be what warm fuzzies feel like.  love them, love you. 

San, glad you got through that assessment and that you were able to speak up for yourself. Well done. Sounds extremely taxing. Give yourself whatever care is needed.  :hug:

thanks, notalone.  it was difficult, i talked till my brain shut down, but got thru a lot.  i'm glad i was able to say what i needed to say, too.  my entire demeanor changed when i did that - just realized that, now.  i was no victim reciting past woundings.  instead, i was very straightforward and serious about what was on my mind, had no fear at all.  strange how that took over. 

still don't have my legs all the way back, but i was able to walk a couple blocks this evening, so that felt good at least.  time, time, time . . .

i finally got my legs back today, was able to walk to the store, and that felt really good.  looking forward to my next appt., hoping i'll be less uncomfortable w/ her as she gets into doing therapy w/ me.  we'll see.  so far, tho, it feels good to get myself back to my normal.  yay!

HI SanMagic,
Glad to hear you feel a bit better.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thinking of you, San, and I hope your next appointment goes well. :hug:

hey, hope and snowdrop - thanks for the well wishes and hugs.

unfortunately, feeling good didn't last very long.  the stress of roiling everything back up hit me hard, again, 3 days later, and i've been down w/ the 'stress flu' for several days, legs gone again, simply feeling miserable.  feeling very frustrated and down - this is no way to be living at this stage of my life.  or at any stage, tbt.  more nightmares, bad sleep, just feeling crummy, like i'm sick but it's nothing contagious.  stress, always stress.  too much of it, still.  ugh!

 :bighug: :bighug:

The weeks before you saw the new T was very difficult and then the long assessment was very taxing. Although lousy, I'm not surprised that your body is reacting to all that stress. Please be kind to yourself.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 06, 2019, 02:33:34 PM
this is no way to be living at this stage of my life.  or at any stage, tbt. 

I'm with you. It stinks!

blueberry, thanks for those hugs.  they felt like you were just gathering me in, which i find extremely comforting.   :hug:

thank you notalone for all that validation.  i'm being as good to myself as possible, but when i'm in crisis like this, it makes it difficult at times.  and, yeah, it totally stinks. :hug:

talked to my t yesterday, & she was able to get me an extra appt. so i don't have to wait 2 wks. between appts., like i did this time.  that was a relief.  she also reassured me, when i told her that things like meditation, yoga, those relaxation exercises don't work for me, that such was common for c-ptsd clients.  that was also a relief, to hear her say that, like i'm in the right place - finally!  it took a load off my mind knowing that it wasn't just me who doesn't tolerate what might seem simple or easy for others. 

through all this, i received actual copies of my book in the mail - it's thrilling!  my d already sold one to our neighbor, who wants to take it to some groups he's involved with.  when she told me, i burst into tears, and she was right there with an embrace.  those tears were mixed w/ the backlash triggers from my ex and the therapeutic community who have seen me as a flake and with way out ideas.  i'm hoping that soon those will be tears of unmitigated joy about this accomplishment, but right now they're still tainted w/ this old crapola.

that's all i got for now.  thanks for being w/ me. :hug:
anyway, back to resting.  thank you all for your support. 

Very exciting about your book. (Sorry that gunk is mixed in with the good feelings.)

:party: :fireworks: :woohoo:

I just now saw this and I am so sorry for all of the stuff you have been through.    :grouphug:

notalone, i love those fireworks!  they always bring a smile to my heart!    thank you for all your support.

allie, it was so good to see you here.  thank you so much for the hugs - i love them.

yesterday was the first day i felt sane, and was able to take advantage of it.  i went w/ my d to meet some author friends of hers, showed them my book, and read an excerpt from another one i'd written years ago.  my d had known about it, but had never read any of it.  i read about 2 paragraphs, and got so emotional, my d asked if she could read for me (the intent is to get feedback from the others - i'd never gotten critical feedback from other authors before).

their response amazed me.  i mean, i always thought it was good (the first 3 mos. that my hub and i spent together when i first went to mex., how our relationship changed from just friends to wedding plans), but i did not expect that others would.  especially my d.  so much so that it's now a work in progress to hopefully also be published, maybe next year.  wouldn't that be amazing!  it's hard to fathom that this is actually possibly maybe going to happen?  dream come true! 

i realized how much i've been seeking validation from her.  i've had this feeling inside that my d's just thought of me as the bad guy in our family, someone who ran that ship, took no prisoners, and i don't know - was kind of a flake, otherwise, and to be dismissed as much as possible.  they really didn't want to be involved in my life, there was no back and forth exchange and enjoyment of information.  maybe it was just me cuz i was struggling so hard to keep our family safe and sane, get my education and get a job that would help w/ finances (which always seemed to be very slightly enough for the basics and a vacation or two on the cheap) 

maybe it comes from the fact that while my ex looked like he was so wonderful, i was being undermined around every corner while d  #1 blatantly tortured me emotionally on a consistent basis.  i was something to abuse (wow - this is coming out of nowhere, but it feels right) rather than to enjoy.  my brow is furrowed now with that assessment. 

anyway, through these books, now, i'm feeling validated for being a creative human being rather than simply an old, sick mom who's left her family, quit her job, and ran away from home to another country where all anyone thought of was lying on the beach, getting a tan, having the time of my life while they all struggled back in the real world.  ok, breathing hard on that one.  why has this been so important to me?  maybe cuz it's the first time i can remember getting it from someone who wasn't dragging me down at the same time. 

this is weird stuff.  therapy tomorrow.  we'll see where that goes.  so, i'm on a third career, it seems - author.  this is a long-standing dream come true.  it's overwhelming in so many ways.  my book hit the amazon best-seller list already.  and now i have another one to look forward to finishing, polishing, sending out to fly on its own, out of my heart and into reality.  wowser!

Well done San. I hope it goes well tomorrow. :hug:

thank you, snowdrop :hug:  i hope so, too.

i'm already winding myself up about this afternoon.  got a million things running thru my head just about the process.  the actual trauma is running second right now.  gotta go play some games before i drive myself nuts.

Hi San

Just wanted to say that your comments about your relationship with your daughter struck a chord. I totally get what you said.

I think that children forget that mothers are people too. People with thoughts, feelings, wants and more importantly, people with traumas.    They can only see the world from their perspective and only ever want us to be "mom" and can dismiss any other side of our character.  This can feel so invalidating.   

It sounds like you have had so much to juggle, many roles to fulfill: wife, mother, worker, student, and as you said "someone who ran the ship".  And all this whilst enduring and surviving trauma.   And now you are growing with your creative side with your books.  I don't see you as a flake; you inspire me.

really sweet of you to say that, snookie.  thank you so much.  yeah, like we often still see our kids as someone to take care of, to 'mother' even after they're grown, i guess it makes sense that they have us captioned into our first role w/ them as well.  maybe i've seen too many movies and tv shows where kids and parents - in that perfect world, of course - are more interactive, and it was something i wanted cuz i'd never had it.  or, maybe just never had enough of it.  at any rate, it sounds like it's my issue, something i have to find and resolve w/in myself.   :hug:

my session went very well.  i was able to do some processing, which she was surprised about, cuz she said when new clients come in, they usually want to talk a lot more before they actually get started w/ the emdr stuff.  i told her i came in for therapy, i was ready for it.

usually, w/ emdr, a memory is targeted for processing.  in my case, and i've heard of others here having a similar problem, it was one continuous arc of abuse and neglect.  i didn't have major 'events' that took place, there was so much that was done w/ innuendo, looks, inferences, covert ops (so to speak) that i didn't have an especially dramatic incident to recall.  sure, there are a few, but it's like they were punctuation marks along the way, highlighting what was going on daily.

we talked about that for a bit, then i suggested i just target my ex for starters, cuz he's the one i feel the hate for, and i don't like carrying that around with me, having it interrupt my thoughts, waking up to it - that negativity.  it's driving me nuts.  other protocol stuff didn't pertain, either, cuz i don't have negative beliefs about myself now, like i was responsible, i'm not a good person, etc. or that what happened was my fault.  i just don't have those kinds of thoughts and that was kind of frustrating for her.  so i suggested that i just think of him, she does her thing, and we'd see if anything shook out.

it did.  subtly, there were some shifts, some movements.  where this had felt like a concrete block before slowly became less rigid.  where i was thinking of all this as a '10' (the worst it could be), by the end of 20 minutes it had lessened ever so slightly.  still more than a 9, but i think the fact that things moved, took on different shapes (like, the hate i could feel in my gut like a ball of molten lava at the beginning, and at the end it took the form of a pink, rubbery tube that was running the length of my chest) gave me a feeling of hope.  i believe that's what helped move the needle off the '10'.

one other thing i'd noticed was that during part of this, i had one hand digging into the other.  i became aware that my nails were hurting me, and i unclenched them w/ the thought that i didn't have to hurt myself anymore - others had done enough of that.  that played out at home, too.  we'd gotten a piece of cake at the store, and had ice cream at home, and i was saving that for after my session.  all the way home i thought about that cake - my blood sugar runs high, so sweets aren't the best thing for me - and was able to decide i didn't want it.  it wasn't going to do anything good for me.  later that nite, tired and a bit roiled up from the session, i'd thought about having a snack - i've done that before during restless or disturbing times - but i was able to resist because of that thought going round my head.

i do have a food addiction, and in the midst of all this chaos, i've reverted to eating what's not good for me.  i'd thought about asking my t to help me with that along the way.  now it seems that some of that is falling into place w/o me planning for it.  it may need to get reinforced a few times, but the idea that i've been hurt enough is singing softly thru my mind.

another large, and sad realization was when she asked me if i had anyplace where i felt safe.  i told her that since i live w/ my d, and she is always a reminder of my ex, drops a 'dad' into the conversation every so often when recalling something from childhood or so, that i did not feel safe anywhere.  she suggested her office, and i jumped on that, said 'that's right!  my d isn't here', so i do have a safe place now, which also feels very good. i can recall it if i ever need it, just go there.  i would like to have said the forest, too, but there are too many creeps nowadays, and getting away by oneself isn't always the best idea.

so, i was able to make some progress, and, altho i'm very tired today, i feel good about it.  i don't think she's ever had an emdr t as a client before, and i think she's afraid that she's gonna insult my therapist intelligence by repeating parts of the protocol to me, so i'm going to let her know next time that when i'm there as her client, i don't want to think like a t, that i need to be reminded of things.  it's too much energy to do both jobs at once, and this feels like a luxury that someone is actually taking care of me.  it feels really good.

I'm so glad it went well. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop - i appreciate the support and the hug, too! :hug:

Great that the needle has moved off of "10."
No, you should not be hurt anymore. Glad you noticed that and did the caring thing.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 11, 2019, 04:06:10 PM
i don't think she's ever had an emdr t as a client before, and i think she's afraid that she's gonna insult my therapist intelligence by repeating parts of the protocol to me, so i'm going to let her know next time that when i'm there as her client, i don't want to think like a t, that i need to be reminded of things.  it's too much energy to do both jobs at once, and this feels like a luxury that someone is actually taking care of me.  it feels really good.

Good insight. It think it will be good to clarify that with her.
So glad that your session was positive.

thanks, notalone, for your support. :hug:

i do think it's a rather unique thing - not too many emdr t's have the same for a client.   i'm feeling better than yesterday, and looking forward to my next session.  i was able to walk my mile this morning, smell the smells, hear the ocean, use my muscles.  it was great to be able to do that again. 

it was really difficult yesterday to write here that i am a food addict.  i think part of that is because i've just written a book all about food and eating choices, and there's a bit of a 'should' attached to that - i 'should' have it altogether on that front.  i mean, i've created that program some 25 yrs. ago, one might think that i 'should' have it all together by now.

i've felt some shame and guilt about that.  i don't always eat what's best for me, i eat when i'm not hungry, i eat too much at times - all stuff that my program addresses.  i also saw linda ronstadt at the kennedy center last weekend.  she was so beautiful, looked like a model for the entirety of her performing career.  then she got sick w/ m.s., and her body has been wrecked by having to cope w/ that illness.  but she was still there, she was still advocating, she was still a formidable presence.

and she inspires me for that reason.  my body isn't the same as it was when i was 30 or 50, and i've been sick ever since then, or i was regulating my weight in an unhealthy manner - mainly by smoking instead of eating.  at 30, i was drinking instead of eating.  at 50, i was so depressed, i just wasn't eating.  once i got sick, tho, all the wonderful things i know about self-care in the food and eating department went out the window, and i feel reservations about promoting my program cuz i don't have the perfect body anymore.

but, linda ronstadt doesn't either, yet she still stands proud for what she believes in, and i want to keep that concept in front of me while i continue w/ my healing, and the belief that i don't have to hurt myself anymore, especially w/ food.  that's been a big part of SH for me over the years.  i sincerely don't want to keep doing that.  i just want to be healthy, have a healthy body, rather than focus on looking like i did when i was younger. 

i guess i needed to get this out here, to attempt to put some of that guilt/shame to rest.  should be perfect at self-help if i'm going to stand by a self-help book, feeling like i won't be taken seriously if i'm not, and guilty about that.  whew!  there are so many issues around this book, on so many levels.  present and past.  i didn't realize how far reaching one accomplishment might dig into me.

i am proud of myself, tho, for doing this anyway.  i have to admit, i feel pretty courageous to put out a product like this when i'm not the perfect example of what i propose in it.  that's a hard one to assimilate within me.  i so badly want to delete this.

i was able to make more connections for myself - the expectations of being perfect that i learned from my dad.  dang, those are powerful, and i thought i'd worked thru most of that.  but here they are, raising their ugly heads at the same time i could just be enjoying my accomplishment.  it goes back to it's not ok to be myself and be taken seriously.  oooh, that's one more past message that's just jumped on this bandwagon.  not taken seriously cuz i don't fit the 'mold'.  well, it's more stuff to work on, i guess. 

i've also noticed today that a lot of intrusive thoughts started slamming me whenever i had a lull in what i was doing.  not just about my ex, but other people as well.  like the floodgates have been opened w/ that one round of therapy.  we'll see how this plays out.  i hope my brain can process it into a less disturbing place. 

ugh!  for a minute i thought i was gonna fly thru this, just get healed and everything would be roses.  unfortunately, i'm being reminded of the thorns that are hidden.  hats off to everyone who continues to go thru this, who keeps going even tho it's so rough and upsetting.  finally, tho, i feel like i'm getting what i've needed, and i'm glad of that.  i'm putting my faith in the idea that this is going to get better, much better, than it was.  it has to.

had a hard time falling asleep, too many thoughts racing around.  still struggling - no wonder i'm tired.  was able to walk this morning, tho, and that felt good.  a bit of normalcy. 

so, still processing.  one of the things that came up for me is the idea that i feel deeply stuff which i haven't gotten in my life - stuff that a lot of us have missed out on, like acceptance, feeling safe, feeling loved, those intangibles - and it's something that i want to explore in therapy, see if those losses can somehow be filled in.  there's such a vacancy at times, a yearning, that when i see such things portrayed on tv or in movies, i can't help crying about it and feeling the emptiness.  it's such an awful feeling.

i know i've distracted myself from lots of that in the past w/ relationships, food, drugs, alcohol, but most of that is gone now, so i'm feeling it quite sharply at times.  it's the bottomless pit that we attempt to fill w/ unhealthy stuff and behaviors.  i've eliminated so much of it at this point (food doesn't quite do what it used to, either, so that's also going by the wayside.  it was my last distraction, my last form of self-harm) that i'm left to face the emptiness, that void, and it's . . .  well, i don't know how to describe it.  i know i don't like it, tho.

i'm hoping that therapy will help me with that, too.  it would be nice to feel whole.

Dearest San, I want to call out the great strength you have show by naming your pain and struggles with medicating with food. It's another way in which we both soothe and suffer and one that's extra tricky, cause we can't just walk away from eating. It's amazing how you are connecting the feelings and messages you got as a child and on, to how you treat your body, your being now. It takes great awareness and willingness to heal, to take on that work.
I also want to say how inspired I am hearing about your process with setting your book free into the world, how vulnerable that feels and how brave you are, really walking with it. I think I would not take much stock in a book, written by someone who said they had it all figured out and never had to look at the layers each new experience opens within them. The fact that you are open to continued healing in the subject you have so passionately written about, makes it all the more precious, accessible to the rest of us and real. Something to be proud of for sure.
So glad to hear t is going well. Sounds like you have made a good connection and your T is able to meet you. A blessing indeed.
I know it's been a while since I've checked in, but I've been here with you. Wanted you to know i'm thinking of you and gratefully following your journey.
Keep on rocking it. MB.

 :hug: :hug: to you san.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: as you extricate yourself from those last distractions/methods of self-harm. I know that takes a lot of courage to feel what all else is in the murky depths.

mb, you don't know how much i needed to hear your words - crap, i didn't know how much i needed to hear them!  thank you ever so.   :hug:

blueberry, thank you for the support and encouragement - brought tears to my eyes.   :hug:

this morning i'm beginning to feel pressure.  i've got editing to do on my d's book, and wanted to walk, then go meet w/ her and some author friends, and i'm feeling paralyzed, which often happens when i feel like this.  my mind has been gradually filling up since my session, lots of dreams i can't remember, but that are distressing on some level (i can feel that), more and more thoughts continuing to bludgeon my mind.  on the edge once again.  don't have another appt. till wed.  can't wait. 

it's like the hole in the wall that was temporarily stoppered has burst it's boundaries, and the water flow is growing bigger and stronger each day.  i've just got to get to it, do it, then chill.  my gut is roiling and i just want to retreat, but this work must get done, so i'm gonna do it and breathe a sigh of relief  when it's over.  i can feel a xanax day coming on and i'm feeling bad for myself that it got to that point.  just want to make it to tomorrow.

You're fierce! Tons of respect for keeping on going. Sending you love, hugs and support. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  honestly, sometimes i feel that way, other times not so much, but it helps to hear it.  it really does.  helps w/ keeping me motivated and strong. :hug:

these little hugs and kind words from people make so much difference to me.  i was watching an episode of 'schitt's creek' where someone told their partner that they were damaged goods and weren't used to people being kind and generous to them.  i related to that all the way.  their partner said that they'd been with the wrong kind of people.  brings tears to my eyes.  being w/ my d and her patience, as well as hearing the same from people i've never met, well, that in itself has helped me more than words can express.

in the past, i would've never given this much credence to the benefit of online connection, when even face to face groups never quite served my needs.  i think it's important for me to continue to give credit to this phenomenon cuz it's helping my brain/mind make new connections, create new, happier memories and feelings.

it's never too late.

 :grouphug: :grouphug:  I hope this is OK.

allie,

those hugs were so much more than ok.  thank you muchly - they're highly appreciated!  warmed my heart.   :hug:

my second session is tomorrow.  right this minute i'm dealing w/ things, but i know i'm right on the edge.  here's hoping i can feel more grounded and stable after tomorrow.  this stuff stinks!

I haven't been around alot lately. Either by reading or commenting, so I am not up to speed about how things are going with you. But I wanted to let you know that I think about you.  :hug:

thank you, sweet sceal.  i think about you, too, even tho i've not been commenting much on others' posts.  been too wrapped up in my own stuff lately.  i know you're with me, tho, and i hope you know i'm with you. :hug:

up early this morning in anticipation of my appt. w/ my t.  don't know where this is going to go.  i'm just struggling to keep my head above water.   :sharkbait:these intrusive thoughts are driving me nuts.  i'm hanging on, but am so glad for having a t now.  it's making all the difference.  quality of life is so important no matter what our age.

I hope it went OK yesterday, San. Sending more care and support your way. :hug:

snowdrop, that's so sweet.  thanks, awfully! :hug:

yesterday went well.  first and foremost, i'm feeling like i finally have a t who cares.  i do feel safe w/ her.  at one point i felt so very sorry for myself, was just crying, feeling so sad, and i told her that i sometimes have a hard time w/ that cuz of all the 'pity party' gunk i've heard over the years at 12-step groups, but that at several times in my life i've felt sorry for me cuz it felt like no one else did even while going thru some of the hardest bits.  she told me that i deserved this, that pity parties were people who wanted to stay in that kind of place and not do anything about it, and that i was not doing that at all.  that made me feel better.

i also told her that i love to laugh, she said very quietly 'that's probably what saved you'.  that line gave me the feeling that what she's hearing from me is not that i'm making too big a deal about what i've gone thru, endured, and it felt reassuring and comforting.  so, she's saying these little things here and there that make me feel better about all of it somehow.

but, yesterday was a lot of dumping.  i told her about that first npd t who totally wrecked me, some of my d#1 who did the same.  she was very interested in the t story - i think it helped her know how these t's have been doing so much damage to their clients.  i'm wondering if she thought at all about me being just naive and not very self--aware, which, in actuality, i was.  i said she'd groomed me, kept putting me in schizo-making situations - 2 or 3 rolls at a time, and i was supposed to function coherently in each - and i was a mentally disturbed wreck by the time i got out from under her clutches.

we'd done some processing first, but it felt like i had a concrete block inside my brain, and it was putting so much pressure on me that i just wanted her to hear about these people in my life who'd hurt me.  it was a long session, and i was exhausted.  at one point, while processing, i got a sharp pain in my forehead.  she immediately stopped, i told her we could keep going, she told me she didn't want me to feel tortured.  well, that word was a huge trigger, and i burst into tears.  told her about being restrained by mother responsibility when it came to accepting all the crapola my d#1 laid on me.

she mentioned doing eft to possibly help stop the thoughts.  we're still figuring out how i can deal w/ all the triggers that keep coming at me (that was one possibility), and how i just don't feel safe anywhere anymore cuz those triggers are wreaking havoc w/ my brain. and mind.  so, altho i did some eft tapping last nite, i also decided today was going to be a xanax day.  i'm just way too tired of fighting, battling, to be ok and functioning.  and it is, and i'm now out.  this has been more than 3 mos. of struggle, and it's taking its toll.

Dear Sanmagic,
Glad that your T is going well, it sounds like you did a lot of great work together - I'd like to send you a hug,  :hug:
Hope  :)

love your hugs, hope.  thank you. :hug:

i'm glad i took the chance and decided to go for it.  it's so nice to have a backup, someone to lean on.  i paused for a minute about if this was worth it, to try again, after i'd read another post about doing this at an older age.  it's going to make these golden years less about struggling, more about enjoying.  i have a hard time enjoying anything while my mind is at war.  i'm just too tired for this anymore - been doing it for too long.  and this last round of triggers , the results have lasted over 3 months now.  that's too too much to continue to bear.

I have enormous respect for what you're doing, San. I'm delighted that it's going well, and that you feel safe with your T. :hug:

thank you so much, snowdrop.  that warmed my heart.   :hug:

yesterday was an amazing day (somehow i thought i wrote this already).  anyway, this was the first time i took xanax before i'd gotten to a crisis point of feeling like i was already over the edge.  i know i've been struggling, and i decided i didn't want to struggle for a day, give myself a real break, not just a 'ok, at least i can now breathe' kind of break.  the results were very different.

what happened was that i spent an entire day feeling happy.  actually feeling the happy.  i'd just told my t the day before that i've questioned that very thing several times in my life, wondering why, when i had it all, so to speak, i still didn't feel happy.  so, to have one day of it, no tension (not high, not giddy, it wasn't anything like when i was doing alc/drugs, where i felt good but still not happy), just enjoyment about what i was doing, what i ate, where i went - it was a revelation.  like, so this is what it's like to feel this. 

i didn't do xanax today, and there is a bit of residual lightness from yesterday, but the shades are still drawn most of the way down in my mind again.  i'll talk to my t about this, see what she says.  one neg. note that crept in was if she was going to be staying at her job.  she's only there 4 days/week, it's and HR position, so under gov't funding, and i suddenly got hesitant to keep opening up, getting partly into this, and then she's gone.  my stomach is upset just thinking about that.  i'll ask, but i don't even like the thought of it.

so, the struggle goes on, but it was wonderful to get that break.  i'd love to do that more often, but don't have enough meds for that.  we'll see what happens.

triggered last nite - my ex sent my d a check for christmas.  she told me that, asked if i wanted to know how much he'd sent.  i felt myself tighten up immediately, said 'no, enjoy, buy yourself something pretty' and shut down.  i knew it was awkward for her, but all i could think of was ugliness toward him.  i was just wanting to slam myself shut so more of it wouldn't explode outward.

i'm hoping therapy will help take care of this.  i'm powerless over this, and it feels awful.  i don't know what to do anymore.  i feel really lost and confused, something i've felt for too much of my life.

ok, i can feel myself spiraling, and that's it for now.

Hi SanMagic,
:bighug:  That's a big hug for you - but a gentle one - I know that you've had that unexpected situation - and I really hope you feel a bit better later, as I know you mentioned that you're spiralling. 
This time of year is so tough for unexpected things happening - hope you're ok.
Hope  :)

 :grouphug: hug San

hey, hope, thank you so much for that hug.  felt like you just gathered me in, and i'm grateful. :hug:

tee, so good to hear from you!  i miss you.  thank you for all the hugs, and right back atcha! :grouphug:

still on the edge, fighting hard, but it's so wearing.  meds help when i need a break for my mind.  gonna have to talk to a shrink if i can get referred from my t so i have enough.  this is just so stressful! 

 :hug: to you San.  I'm sending a new, big beautiful, powerful crystal to you to recharge your outer armor, so your inner self can feel a little safer perhaps from the outside things. Want you to know I'm here with you.

Opening up to someone is so scary, feeling can be so scary and sometimes things are just really, really hard. I'm with you, thinking of you and understanding. One thought I had is that when I started to trust my T for the first time, realized she cares, I kind of started to fall apart even more. I think its 'cause it was the first time I actually felt supported, even remotely safe with another human and it allowed me to let my guard down, a little at a time, and I really needed to fall apart to whatever degree, before I could begin to put the pieces back together.
I'm still learning how, but I needed to mourn, to cry, to feel sad for the things that happened to me. Perhaps, there is a sense that you can be vulnerable with your T and that is creating a space for you to feel the sadness and in that, maybe it's a really healthy part of your process. Maybe releasing some of that allowed you to have that really connected and peaceful day-Xanax inspired or not. Idk, just a thought. Not wanting to make my experience yours. Just want to say I am so inspired by the way you are walking your path.

Wishing you peace and insight.

hey, mb, thank you for all your thoughts.  i don't think anyone can make their experience someone else's, but i do think they can have similarities that are relatable, and i appreciate yours.  thank you for sharing.  i'm sure i have a lot of mourning to do.  both for what happened and what didn't happen that should have, if you know what i mean.  and, thank you for your kind words.   :hug:

went to brunch at a couple's house on sun., got triggered big time, ended up walking out their door crying.  she played a song she'd sung, it started out 'i once had a little girl', and i thought of my oldest d, and just broke.  couldn't listen anymore, and those words are continuing to raise their heads still today. 

so very sad, so very on edge.  i hate that this happens.  i'm having a wonderful xmas w/ my d#2, but this crapola burrows its way thru my mind and brings me up short.  i'm hiding as best i can.  all of it.  as long as i look like i'm enjoying what's going on, at least that's something good for me and my d.  looks like more meds tomorrow.  just want to get this behind me.  it's too hard.

San,

I also am enjoying Christmas with my family, but the pain is large inside, casting a shadow on my day. I even took a xanax when I got to the point of sitting on the bathroom floor, feeling the whirling in my head. Wish we could celebrate fully and joyfully. Sending you care.  :hug:

Hugs San holidays are hard.  I'm struggling this year too

 :hug: :hug: :bighug: to you san and to you too Tee.

notalone, sorry you struggled - i''m glad you had some meds to help you get thru. :hug:

tee, also sorry you're struggling thru all this.  hope you're feeling better. :hug:

blueberry, thanks for the hugs and for thinking of me.  so very appreciated.

well, i talked to my t, am now on xanax daily so that i'm not struggling and battling as hard all the time.  it's helping w/ that, w/ the intrusive thoughts - they seem easier to shout away.  what it's also doing, i noticed, is helping me to not hold as much tension in my body as usual.  also helping me sleep a bit better.  so, all that is to the good.

she just let me talk during our last session, thought it might be a good idea not to do actual brain work while i'm still getting used to the meds.  that was fine w/ me - i just dumped all my adulthood stuff out on her floor.  i'm feeling a little less full of it (lol!) by doing so, which feels good.  we also talked about me seeing a shrink for meds, which will be helpful, i think.  i asked if what i'm going thru is more than anxiety, and she said yes, that c-ptsd has layers and layers of stuff.  that felt good, too.

since i got back into therapy, i'm now questioning a lot more about myself in terms of emotions, feelings, how hidden they've been, how absent they've been, and whether or how much that's been a defense mechanism or an actual brain thing.  i'm not sure, may never know, but it's a bit unnerving to think that i may have been emotionless on purpose (as a defense) rather than my brain has been somehow not working correctly.  i guess as i get into more of this i'll get some answers.  alexithymia and autistic edge seemed to fit since i found out about them.  maybe that's another change of perspective i'll have to tackle.

don't want to get too far ahead of myself.  this is already a lot. 

 :hug: WOW it sounds like you are making some big supported steps that awesome.  Good luck on the next leg of your journey.  Hugs. :hug:

thank you dear tee.  love your hugs!  hope you are ok. :hug:

Glad the xanax is taking the edge off and helping you to sleep better. Great that you were able to talk and "dump" at your last session. Sometimes that is what is most needed.  :hug:

thanks, notalone.  i appreciate your support very much.  you're right, sometimes dumping is just what helps the most.  she also mentioned that it helps to be heard, and i agree w/ that, too.   :hug:

wow - feeling alone and lonely today, which is rare for me.  been thinking about it all day, a thought suddenly struck me.  i don't deserve kindness cuz i'm not good enough, not worthy of it.  this is some deep-seated crapola i haven't been aware of.  definitely a target for my next session.  i believe it's why i cry so much when i'm shown a kindness, one that i can feel.  i think that way deep down inside i want to reject it. 

most of the time, i don't really feel it, when people are nice to me.  i've always accepted it as my due - my arrogance or some such defense mechanism i've developed over the years.  i'm thinking out loud here.  if i were perfect, like i've believed i've had to be, so i made it so in my mind that i was - every good thing that came to me was simply my due.  i didn't give much weight to 'things', like compliments for an achievement because that was simply part of what i was expected to do anyway.  so, of course people are going to admire what i did, would admire me.

o, geez, i just realized that this came from my book - honestly, so much has popped its head up since doing this book.  i announced it to my friends, there were about 20 of them in that email, and i heard from only one of them.  i just thought that if someone i knew had told me about something they'd done, i'd for sure respond, if only with a 'good for you', but something positive.  this has thrown me more than i realized.  writing a book at my age seems like a triumph to me, yet it seems like only a select few people very close to me, and the wonderful people here who i don't even know have given me any credit for it.

not that that's the reason i wrote it, but am i self-centered to think it's worth a pat on the back from people i've known for 50 yrs. or so?  this book had a rocky start re: my ex, and has stuck w/ me ever since, i guess.  i'm quite amazed that i actually did this, but maybe i'm so used to getting compliments that not getting them is a huge trigger?  at any rate, it did bring to my mind the idea that i'm not worth kindness and caring and patience - i always thank my d when she shows it to me, often burst into tears at how thoughtful she is toward me, a sick old lady. 

whew - lots of stuff getting uncovered here, right at this minute.  i'm not used to actually feeling negatively toward myself, so this is a blam! to the head and heart.  this is what i've covered up for so long, i guess.  do i hate myself?  i read about all the neg. beliefs that people here have about themselves, and just couldn't relate usually.  well, now i can, and it's a horrible way to feel.  i want to cry right now.  so much sadness inside me, and i think this is part of the link to it.  dang.

just had to get this out.  i hope no one thinks badly of me for this.  i'm afraid of that, even tho i know that the people here are too kind to say if they do.  still,  .  . . . . .o my heart, waves and waves of self- loathing are coming to the surface.  so ugly!  this is what so many of you feel like so often - i don't know how you've done it.  you people are incredible!

gonna go take a shower, see if i can wash some of this off, maybe smudge myself after.  i'm vibrating w/ negativity right now.  i've been a fraud. 

I don't know that you've been a fraud. I think you have had a lot of pain and have been doing what you can to survive and thrive. I know I have felt your care and that is 100% genuine. Be kind to yourself.  :hug:

san, I don't think badly of you at all! :hug: :grouphug:

notalone and blueberry, you both brought tears to my eyes.  i could feel your care for and about me.  thank you so much. :hug: :hug:

it's just after the new year, and as soon as it turned midnite, i began crying.  i think i'm mourning a piece of me i've had for so long.  getting to a core issue is always difficult.  being pushed off my pedestal always shakes me up when i land on my butt.  it just hurts. 

 :hug:

You're not a fraud. I don't think badly of you in any way. You are worthy of kindness. :hug:

thanks, notalone, for the hug.  i love it, and here's one back to you :hug:

snowdrop, thank you for those kind and reassuring words.  they made me tear up, but i appreciate them so much, as i appreciate you. :hug:

feeling quite hollow today, can still feel something missing.  i see my t tomorrow!  i thought i had to wait till fri.  and a wave of relief washed over me just now, a huge sigh - i'm so glad.  i'll make it thru today.  you've all been so helpful to me.  for some reason i'm feeling ashamed.  cuz i feel so needy?  that might be it, i'm feeling needy for other peoples' words of kindness, letting me know that my pic of me is distorted.

i thought of how difficult it is for people who think ill of themselves, have done so for most of their lives, to begin feeling better about who they are.  they have a mountain to climb sometimes while pushing a huge rock.  they start from the bottom and have to work their way to the top.  for me, i've started at the top, and have to get chopped down off my pedestal - i'd already put myself at the top.  but, when i think of it, i guess i've been at the bottom this whole time, just lived in the illusion of being up there, above everyone.  breaking that illusion, no matter from which direction (cuz i totally believe that it's an illusion how badly we think of ourselves, too) is difficult.

o, i'm rambling now.  i'm feeling so hollow, i want to fill my space up with words.  i've done that a lot in my life.

 :hug:

thanks for the hug, sceal.  i know you're with me. :hug:

Hi San
You've always been an enormous encouragement to me and many others here, thank you so much for your love and empathy, I'm sorry your feeling hollow that's such a horrible feeling.
But as I read your posts I felt I needed to tell u what an encouragement you've been, I haven't expressed it nearly enough in the past
Wb

wattlebird, that was so sweet of you to tell me all that.  thank you so very much. these responses i'm getting from people help encourage me as well.  i don't know that i would've lasted this long w/o them. :hug:

Wattlebird's comment: "You've always been an enormous encouragement to me and many others."

       :yeahthat:

As one of the 'others', I admire and am sometimes in awe of your comments here. They're insightful, thoughtful, and empathetic. Sometimes it's not easy to get past the stuck parts, for all of us. Thank you so much for being you, and in the process helping us all 'ford the stream', so to speak.

o wg, you brought tears to my eyes!  you have just helped me so much.  thank you. :hug:

i'm on my way out for my session.  hopefully, i'm going to get some brain relief.  this has been so taxing, but i can't say enough about all of you and what/how you make me feel.  you're the best. :grouphug:

Quote from: woodsgnome on January 02, 2020, 04:04:38 PM
Wattlebird's comment: "You've always been an enormous encouragement to me and many others."

       :yeahthat:

As one of the 'others', I admire and am sometimes in awe of your comments here. They're insightful, thoughtful, and empathetic. Sometimes it's not easy to get past the stuck parts, for all of us. Thank you so much for being you, and in the process helping us all 'ford the stream', so to speak.

:yeahthat:

Hi SanMagic,
I know you're out having your session at the moment, so I am thinking of you, and want to send you a comforting hug for when you get back, if it's helpful  :hug:  I would also like you to know that I appreciate you so much, you have such amazing kindness, spirit and empathy - you are lovely and you have helped me so much with your kind and thoughtful words. 
Hope  :)

o blueberry, you are so kind.  thank you for all of that.  i just love you to bits! :hug:

hope, so sweet of you to be thinking of me.  unfortunately, i got the dates mixed up and i freaked out this morning, so my session isn't until tomorrow.  thank you also for your kindness and caring.  it's so appreciated!  i can take your words and energy towards me, take it in, bring it inside, and it feels so good.  this is like the only place i feel safe anymore.   

i think because of much of my life having been spent in bars w/ other drunks, where we really didn't talk about much except surface stuff, even tho i've lived w/ both men and women for years on end, these friends do not feel as real and close and certainly not as caring as anyone here feels to me.  how strange is that! 

thank you all - again.  love you all so much!   :grouphug:

oh, no! I'm sorry you got the dates mixed! :hug: :hug: :hug:

just got out of the shower, am now waiting waiting waiting.  i'm so stressed!  somehow this feels like a death to me, a death of a part of me that brings tears to my eyes to let go of.  i've been this way for so long, and i can't imagine how i would've gotten thru my life, accomplished what i did, navigated all the npd's in my life w/o it.  i'm so scared to give this part of me up!  it's by not being average that i've made it this far.

once again, i wrote this about not being average, and it was my father who demanded that of me and i have a picture of him from when he was in WWII on leave, in his uniform, and i saw his eyes looking at me.  i have to put that pic away - this is the second time it's happened to me in 2 days.  i can't have him judging me anymore.

omg, let this be over soon.

San, who you ARE, is acceptable and lovable and worthy of care and compassion. No pedestal needed. When I was traveling to the place where I grew up, you gave me the lovely picture of all of you coming with me. Maybe when you think of that photo of your dad, you can replace it with a picture of us, looking at you with love and acceptance.

what a lovely image, notalone.  done and done.   :hug:

the pic of my dad is now in the closet - where it stood before is full of all of you - much more soothing, accepting. 

i'm a raw mess after the session.  will talk more later.  she told me to go for the meds - i was inches away from buying cigs.  bought fun food instead.  that's gotta be better than smoking, right?

<puts a blanket round your shoulders> :hug:

 :grouphug: Yup, we're all there san, supporting you as you have supported so many of us in the past, and still do support us.

fwiw I'd say good for you staying off cigs. My eating habits aren't always healthy either, but I'd say it's better to stick with those habits we still have than bring back old ones we've long since laid to rest. mho only though.

It sounds as if you're going thru the wringer again. so here  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: Keep taking care of you.

A big hug for you.  :grouphug: (Hope wishes she was with you to eat the fun food. You could eat, wrap up in a blanket and watch a safe movie.)

you all are beautiful, but i'm a raw mess, crying at the drop of a hat.  wish i could say more to you all, but thanks. :hug:

Love you, San.

back atcha, notalone.  thank you - felt so warm to read that.

just woke up from a nightmare of my ex yelling in my face to TAKE THE HINT!, that his behavior isn't going to change, and i packed up my girls - they were quite young in the dream - and got us out of there.  can't get that image out from in front of my face, tho, which is why i wanted to write it here.  can't get away from this stuff, feel like i'm going mad.

i think in some ways the dream was pos., but i'm working so hard on this other stuff, too, that's been ripped open, and then his ugly face pops up, un-apologetic for what's he's done.think i'll go for a walk -- maybe that'll help.

by the by, just wanted to let you know that i can picture the whole bunch of you standing on my shelf where my dad's photo was, you're all smiling and waving at me.  it's truly lovely and comforting.  thank you for that.  it helps.

San, wanting to send love to you. I'm sorry its so hard. You have been and are so brave. You are walking through so much. I'm sorry I haven't been checking in as much.  I am with you in my heart and holding light for you.

This sounds like another layer and it sounds like one that's been a protective layer and with you for a long time. Perhaps you are mourning a bit more and shifting and letting go of even more of that which is not serving you on your journey of well-being and it is falling away, so more of your beautiful inner light can shine through.

I hope your walk was helpful and I am sending you a virtual giant bouquet of flowers that are beautiful shades of purples, blues, deep burgundy, yellows and creamy whites and they all smell amazing. These are to put on the shelf as well, to remind you that you are a sacred, worthy, lovely being who means so much to many.   :hug:

thanks, mb.  love the flowers - gorgeous!  love the love, too :hug:

feeling a bit better emotionally, but the stress has taken its toll, and i'm now sick.  throat, voice, fever, - ugh! 

Oh no! I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

ok -- just adding to the get-well vibes. You deserve the best, which is hard to pull off alone -- so I'm sending a reinforcing  :hug: .

San, I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling well physically. Sometimes the universe just says-yeah, it's time to rest and heal. For some reason its easier for me to feel ok about truly resting and taking care of myself when I have a physical ailment as opposed to an emotional one. Though they both require and deserve rest and care. I am glad you are feeling better in your heart. I so hope the illness passes right through and you are feeling better so soon.

Slippery Elm tea with lots of honey is what I wish for you, and a warm cozy blanket and a really good audio book.  Big healing  :hug:

sd, wg, mb - thanks to all of you.  healing vibes and hugs are always welcome

this is the stress flu, so it'll take its own time in going away.  i've got therapy thurs., an author gig (yeah, i know, right?!!) on sat. so i've got to be on my game for that.  i'm just sick of this - balls o' fire - that's starting to feel like my mantra.

i know what you're talking about mb, w/ our bodies telling us it's time to slow down.  this stress has been going on since sept. w/ these intrusive thoughts and hatred that i've been fighting, doing what i can to knock them out, so it's not just like i got a cold or something.  it's stress, pure and simple, and stress has had adverse effects on my body for many decades.

the reason i found out i was pregnant w/ my first baby over 40 yrs. ago was becuz of the stress of being pregnant.  i thought i had the flu, but it didn't go away, i was sick for a month, so decided to see the doc.  i had skipped a period, but i thought it was because i was feeling so sick.  nope.  the same thing happened w/ my second pregnancy - i couldn't work 2 days/week for feeling so flu-sy (no morning sickness, nothing like that).  this is exactly the same thing - stress.  i never think about it happening, it always takes me by surprise, but here it is once more.

so, now it's just a matter of time and rest as much as i can.  even walking is too much for me.  dang, i hate this crapola.  feel like i'm ringing the same bell over and over, and it's not a pretty sound.  ok, this just wore me out.  love you! :grouphug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 07, 2020, 05:53:37 PM
so, now it's just a matter of time and rest as much as i can.  even walking is too much for me.  dang, i hate this crapola.  feel like i'm ringing the same bell over and over, and it's not a pretty sound.  ok, this just wore me out.

That sounds very, very familiar, so I'm sending  :hug: :hug: :hug: I hope you get  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: or however you best can rest.

thanks, blueberry.  sorry it sounds familiar, tho.  it sucks! :hug:

doing better today.  seeing my t tomorrow.  don't know how that will go down yet, but i do feel a bit more stable emotionally, so that's good.

just gonna keep resting.  seems like i'm doing a lot of that lately.  got an author gig on saturday, which is kind of exciting.  i'm sure my adrenaline will kick in for that.  still hard to believe.

Happy to hear you're feeling a bit better!  :applause:

thanks, 3r, for the applause!  it feels good to have my legs back - i was able to walk today - yay!

tomorrow is therapy, and i'm hoping for healing, which i'm also hoping will lead to more stability and less of these ugly intrusive thoughts.  dang, i'm so sick of them i could spit!  so, fingers crossed and prayers flying!

I hope therapy goes well. Thinking of you. :hug:

Hi San, so glad you are feeling a bit better. So glad therapy is feeling like a safe place for healing.

Keep on, keeping on love. And Congrats for the gigs! Yes, it is exactly right and you rock.  :hug:

hey, sd, therapy went really well, thank you.  i feel pretty good today, much different than i did last week, so i think i'm making progress, which feels good in itself.

thanks, mb - yesterday therapy felt really good, and happily i really like my t.  she's got some twitchy ADD habits, but i've gotten used to them now, so they're assimilated in a good way as just being part of her and the environment.  they were a bit weird the first couple times, tho.  and thanks for the congrats - we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

one major thing that happened in therapy yesterday was i dissociated twice while working on stuff about my ex.  as far as i know, i've never been aware of dissociating before.  depersonalization, yes, but not dissociating.  it's possible all my other defense mechanisms continually came into play to keep me unaware.  at any rate, my t told me to ask my d not to mention her father at all in any way for the next 12 weeks.  since family things have come up, she does mention him occasionally in context of him sending her money and stuff - that had been an issue between us from when we first started living together - but she knew that i didn't want to talk about him and has respected that.

when i told her about this, she asked if we could get some stuff straightened out cuz she was recognizing the money thing, but also the horrible black vibes that would come over me when for instance, she received a check from him special delivery wrapped in a big plastic bag and i'd asked what it was.  when she told me, i completely shut down, said 'buy something pretty for yourself' but it wasn't quite my voice that came out.  very stilted and raspy.  so, she wanted to know how to avoid that kind of thing in the future.

i told her that i wouldn't ask her anymore about anything she receives so we don't run into that same problem again.  she also agreed that she wouldn't mention him in any context, no matter how benign.  i think this may have helped her to understand the severity of how he's affected me, cuz i'm able to talk about anyone and anything else without anywhere near the same kind of reaction.  so, that was a really good thing to come out of that session.

i also got an assignment to basically have a funeral (i used to have these funerals all the time, have had 25 or 30, used to write about them here) for that family of mine with all its hopes and dreams that didn't come true, write all about it, and grieve, grieve, grieve.  she specifically told me to cry about it all. 

the crying component is important, i think, cuz, like i told her, i've never cried about any of my breakups in any relationships along the way.  i'm suspecting that my body is full of toxic tears (fibromyalgia, perhaps, is the result?), but grieving and crying with a purpose has only become relevant to me in the past few years.  i have more of a focus now - i cry at the drop of a hat - but it's usually at acts of love and kindness that i see either portrayed or in reality, things that i haven't had much of.  so, looks like i'll be doing some active grieving next week.  i dread it, it'll be horrible, but i know it'll be good for me.  gotta get this crapola out of me!

so, ever onward.  hard row to hoe and all that.  still, like i told her, the way i feel, how my body reacts to this stress is no quality of life, and if i want to make it 20 more years, i don't want to live like this.  she totally agrees, so that's our goal.  quality of life.

Hi SanMagic,
Glad that your therapy went well, and sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks so much - always appreciate a hug from you, hope. :hug:

San,
Glad your session went well. They way you worked with your daughter about her not mentioning ex, sounds really positive. It's neat that you have that kind of relationship. Grieving. . . not sure how you allow that to happen. I find it to be painful, but also a bit of a relief when I can let it out. Unfortunately, for me that's rare. Like you, I can cry over kindness, but not too often for my own pain.

I'm so glad you're feeling better now, to me the thing that seemed most significant in your post was that your daughter seems to finally see that the other person has been so damaging, and now your daughter seems to be acknowledging it instead of seemingly just thinking you should not let it affect you. This seems to be progress from where she was before... :Idunno: I may be off base but that's how it seems to me. Anyway, glad you are doing better.  :hug: :hug:

hey, notalone,

i've only recently been feeling sorry for me and crying for myself and what i've gone thru.  i just think i've gotten to that spot in my process lately, at least consciously.  it feels better, tho, to know what the crying is connected to.  i do believe the funeral i'm going to do for the family dynamic w/ my d's and my ex will help bring up a lot of tears - i'm putting it off for right now cuz i've got some work to do - and i do intend to cry for what i didn't get from either my ex or d#1.  and, from what i got from them instead of the kindness, etc., that brings tears running down my face every time i see an example of it now.  so, that's how i'm going to begin the grieving process.  i've got lots of other relationships and experiences to grieve about, but they will come later.  this one will be a biggie for right now.  still, it's a start.

3r, i think the thing w/ my d is that she didn't really understand the extent of the wounding from him.  my reaction to her telling me  after i asked who she'd gotten a priority mail envelope from was so negative, so dark, that she felt very uncomfortable w/ the vibes i was giving off.  she and i had had a discussion when we first moved in together and she got some money from him (this was a check for christmas for her from him) that she didn't tell me about, and i'd told her that i needed to be involved in all the finances.  so, she included gifts that he gave her.  i didn't even know my reaction would be so strong - i was probably telling myself i should be getting over it more than she was thinking it.

her biggest problem were these terrible vibes that were emanating off me when she was mentioning money she'd get from him, even tho i'd originally requested she do so.  i told her i was sorry, that i was working on lessening the trigger aspect of it, and she said she knew that, and i was amazing for tackling this.  she's also very literal, so she doesn't intuit well - she goes by the last thing i said, and will stick w/ that till i say something different.  plus, this has put her in a really rough spot between her parents, which i'm not pleased about, either.

so, no, i don't think you're totally off base, just that, like so many things, there were a lot of complications mixed into the entire matter.  when i was first married to my mex. hub, he didn't understand at all what was going on w/ me until he came w/ me to see the shrink, who explained depression and bi-polar disorder (that's how i was diagnosed at the time), and how meds would help my mind.  i think that for my d to know that i was actually dissociating while working on this, and that my t explicitly asked her not to mention him at all, not even in passing, for the next 3 mos. was what helped her understand the severity of this for me.   another case of if you don't know, you can't understand.  and, there's a lot she doesn't know about my relationship w/ her father - she wants to stay in the dark about it cuz she's not strong enough to deal w/ all that, either. 

so, yeah, in some ways we have a truly fantastic relationship, but this part is sticky and icky at times.  i still know when she's talking to him on the phone - she either goes to another part of the house, or i can just feel the difference in the vibes while she's talking.  so, i can't escape it completely, but i think this will be helpful going forward.  whew!

and, my beautiful book is helping me heal in ways i'd never thought possible.  i'm so thankful i've lived long enough to experience this.  my d and i went to a library set-up yesterday where they invited 20 local authors to come, sit there for 3 hrs. and display their books for sale.  mine was the only self-help book, but i actually sold 3 copies!!  it validated me and this experience, actually getting a book published and have it be something people are interested in that blew my neg. experience w/ my ex out of the water! 

besides that, a counselor who works with young adults also bought a copy cuz she wants to use my program w/ some of the troubled kids she's working with.  to think that someone in my field thought enough of what she read on the cover to want to use it to help young people, well, to me it's a miracle.  i didn't get that kind of validation from colleagues who knew me, and here this stranger is and validates me a hundredfold.  last nite, i felt a sense of happiness that was safe and solid within me.  it feels like healing.

so, yeah, i did a little self emdr before bed to help expunge some thoughts of my ex that wanted to creep in and spoil the wonderfulness that i felt, but that took care of it for me, and i still feel really good today.  it was a magical day yesterday.  and, after i get done editing my d's latest book, i'm working on another one that i began about 10 yrs. ago, a memoir of my first 3 mos. in mex., and how i got there and how my hub and i got together, even being from 2 different countries and 2 totally different lifestyles.  so, i'm now excited about finishing that - my third career!  what a difference a day can make, smack us in a good way when we're not even looking.

i hope to have more of those, and i hope for everyone else to also have them.  they really do feel great!

This is great, San. Really, really great. Your words are sparkling! :cheer: and  :hug:.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 12, 2020, 01:53:01 PM
. . .like so many things, there were a lot of complications mixed into the entire matter. 

so, yeah, in some ways we have a truly fantastic relationship, but this part is sticky and icky at times.

I had a friend who used to say, "people are messy." Yes, and that makes for complexity in relationships.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 12, 2020, 01:53:01 PM
but i actually sold 3 copies!!  it validated me and this experience, actually getting a book published and have it be something people are interested in that blew my neg. experience w/ my ex out of the water! 

besides that, a counselor who works with young adults also bought a copy cuz she wants to use my program w/ some of the troubled kids she's working with.  to think that someone in my field thought enough of what she read on the cover to want to use it to help young people, well, to me it's a miracle.  i didn't get that kind of validation from colleagues who knew me, and here this stranger is and validates me a hundredfold.  last nite, i felt a sense of happiness that was safe and solid within me.  it feels like healing.

I am happy for you. Fantastic!
:fireworks:                                :fireworks:                            :fireworks:

snowdrop, thank you for the cheer!  keeps all that good stuff right in front of me and i love it! :hug:

notalone, as always, fireworks bring a smile to my heart, so thank you so much for them.  and, you're right - people are messy, there's no getting around that.  luckily, my d and i can talk things thru until they're resolved, and that makes it all go a lot more smoothly. :hug:

finished editing my d's newest book last nite, so i'm on the porch for the rest of the day.  so much brainwork!  and my week is busy, so i don't think i'll be able to go to my 'funeral' this week - it'll have to wait.  i just don't want to put emotional exhaustion on top of mind exhaustion right now.  it'll wait for me.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 13, 2020, 07:32:18 PM
  and my week is busy, so i don't think i'll be able to go to my 'funeral' this week - it'll have to wait.  i just don't want to put emotional exhaustion on top of mind exhaustion right now.  it'll wait for me.

Wisdom and self-care. Fantastic!

thanks, notalone.  very sweet of you to say so - i love the support!   :hug:

just did a funeral for my family (not foo - i'll do that another time.  this is w/ my ex and daughters).  i didn't realize how much pain i've been holding, but on the first try, it overwhelmed me and i had to stop.  played some games, and then i was able to finish it.  not as much pain now, but my heart is raw.  also did some eye movements to install my realizations, did some smudging to release all the negative and to accept the reality in order to move on.  all grieving.  i think someone asked in their journal about grieving - well, this is a piece that i did and i'm glad.  it feels like a lot of gunk was cleared out.

so, a hot shower to wash whatever might be lingering off and let it go down the drain.  xanax to give my brain a break for the rest of the day.  i feel cleaner and clearer.

Sending care to your hurting, raw heart.  :hug: The shower and xanax sound like good self-care. Glad you are feeling cleaner and clearer. Hope you can rest in the peace of release (if that makes sense).

Wow San. That is amazing work.  You are so strong, showing up for you like that. You are so doing the work. Definitely time to nurture you now. Hot showers are so good for clearing away the residual gunk.  I just took a 45 minute bath! candles, crystals, relaxing music. I never take time to do that and it was so nurturing. Now to curl up under a soft cozy blanket and rest.
I wish you a peaceful evening after clearing so much.   Big  :hug:

hey, notalone, that totally made sense - resting in the peace of release - i love that phrase!  thank you.

mb, so glad you allowed yourself that nurturing - sounds so lovely!  i hope you can do more of it.  and thank you for your kind words.  and, i really did sleep well last nite, so that was a blessing, too.

i'm feeling calmer today, not so shredded, which feels really nice.  i couldn't believe how much pain was involved, tho, even when i look back on it today.  i'm guessing i have a lot more in there that i need to feel, and i believe that's where the fibromyalgia comes from - all that pain from a lifetime of pushing it away in order to get on with the next phase of living.  i'd guess i pushed it into my muscles and they've stored it for me.  it had to go somewhere since i didn't really acknowledge or feel it at the time. 

i'm hoping that as i continue to do these funerals for what i'd wanted but didn't get, feel the pain of being heartbroken, misused, dumped, ignored, manipulated, etc. etc. etc. :blahblahblah: that i'll also be able to release some of the pain i've been holding in my muscles.  dang, that would be great!  i've always heard that we have to face the fear, go through it, before we can get to the other side of it.  i'm now thinking that it's the same w/ the pain.  i'd never faced pain like i did yesterday, not that i can remember (i've felt hurt and stuff, have done an  exercise where i've doubled up in pain in the past -- ooooh, thinking of that time, yeah, i never knew i'd been holding so much pain cuz of my M - but that was only once).

so, i'll be going into this knowing it's gonna be really painful, but also knowing that every time i feel it consciously and allow it to be, i'm one step closer to ridding my body of what it's been so generously holding for me.  thank you body - you've gone thru a lot, and i appreciate you! :hug:

i swear, this crap just keeps coming.  whack a mole indeed!  and my t cancelled tomorrow cuz she had surgery, and they're going to try to get me in next week with someone but no guarantees.  that's not so bad in itself - i've been feeling a bit better, but i talked to my mex. hub today and he told me about going out and getting viagra to have sex w/ someone.  it didn't work - too bad, so sad (loads of sarcasm).

ok, we're not together, all that, but he denied relations w// me for years after he had hip surgery.  i asked, pleaded, told him to talk to a doc, a therapist that he was ok to hoochie coo, but he continually refused.  for years!  we even talked about viagra (altho i'm sure he just freaked after his surgery, convinced that his new hip would pop out even after being told that at the most his healing would take a year) and he refused that, too, being too afraid.  another coward of a man!

honestly, this is 3 out of 3 hubs who have done this to me for various reasons - each one different, but i was refused time and time again.  i'm up in the middle of the night again over this, so mad, so hurt, so sick of these men.  i want to cry about it, but the tears won't come.  so, not only did this hurt me, but it triggered all the other crapola from my other 2 marriages.  and people wonder why i was so slutty between marriages - i was attempting to reaffirm my desirability, my need for touch, just wanting to be wanted!

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :stars: :disappear:  i can barely stand to be me anymore, just continuing to get hit after hit, thinking i've got one thing sort of in place, and another one smacks me w/o a clue that it's coming!  i wrote him an email, told him how i felt, hurt, angry, and that i don't want to talk to him for a while.  we've been keeping in touch every week, he's otherwise been supportive and has gone thru a lot of this stuff with me, both physically and emotionally, but this one takes the cake.  i can't stand it!!!! :fallingbricks:

Hi SanMagic,
It sounds like your mex. hub was being quite self-absorbed and not really helping you in what he said to you on the phone.  I wanted to send you a hug, and I'm making it a big one...  here it is  :bighug:
Hope  :)

Ugh! More triggers, more pain.  :hug: I was going to say some things about Mex. husband, but will restrain myself and just say that I angry that he hurt you.

thank you, hope - that big hug was wonderful.  it felt like you were gathering me in, and that's something that brings a smile to my heart and tears to my eyes.  that kindness and caring. :hug:

notalone, fire away.  when he told me that, i didn't register everything it could mean.  when i told me d, she said 'well, that was insensitive of him' (she knows the history).  it was her perceptiveness of things, like what would be a proper emotional response, that helped me get into it on all these levels.  w/o her feedback, just that one simple sentence, i would've just absorbed it like i have everything else without even realizing what it meant to me.

so, yes, please, tell me what you think.  my alexithymia gets in my way on these things, which is a lot of the reason for my addictions and physical frailties i'm recovering from.  all the help i can get, i totally appreciate it.  thanks for your anger for me.  i felt a bit of it last nite, almost squeezed out some tears, but am basically just roiled up inside.  thank you for your caring about me. :hug:

this is huge for me.  he's been my last male resource, the one place i could return to if something happened to my d.  i'm a mess today, and t has cancelled and you all are a big part of my strength.

Thinking of your SanMagic, and hoping that you have a weekend that will be nicer - with some relaxing things in it.  :hug:
Hope  :)

got an email from my hub yesterday, all about deflecting, that i didn't listen to him or hear what he was saying.  i got so mad, i couldn't even believe it! :pissed:

my entire body began vibrating, i was so upset.  i wrote back telling him exactly what he'd said on the phone, that i'd both listened and heard what he'd said, then again reiterated what the whole thing meant to me about our relationship, that he was will to try something to fix his 'problem' after i'd left, but while i was there and we'd discussed it several times, he'd refused over and over.

i told him that it speaks a lot to what he thought of me and our relationship, that he hadn't read what i'd said, hadn't listened, and i repeated that another thing he hadn't heard was that i didn't want to speak to him for a while - it was too triggering as to other hubs and their behaviors, and that i was a wreck once more getting this email from him.  i'd even told him in my first email that the time for apologies was over, long gone, and in this second email he apologized twice!  talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

so, he wrote me again, said he'd wait till i wanted to talk to him.  better, but still stirred up all the old junk again.  and, next week is the 5th anniversary of my going nc w/ my d#1 and my daughters' father, and that always makes me nuts.  plus, my t is out cuz of surgery, she won't be back till march, and altho they set up 2 interim appts. for me, they won't be till feb. and all this crapola is going down before then!  they did say that they were going to try to find someone who'd give me a phone session next week - keeping my fingers crossed for that, cuz the timing is necessary. 

so, still on meds just to stay sane thru all this. 

I am so sorry all this is going on. It is so much at once. Meds, blankets, posting on OOTS; whatever (unharmful things) brings you some degree of comfort and relief.  :hug:

thanks so much, notalone, for the support.  i didn't think about the idea of this stuff being too much all at once till i read what you said, then re-read what i wrote.  i was just getting it back together, had a couple days w/o meds, which felt good, and now i'm battling again to keep my head on straight.i'm really sick of relationships right now, except w/ my d.  and people here whom i've never met.  you all are saving my life and my sanity.

looks like i'll be doing another funeral this week.  i need to cry this out, but the tears just won't break thru.  they're on the edge of my eyelids, but won't spill out.  i feel like i'm stuck in between here and somewhere, reaching but not being able to grab onto what i need.  having my t gone is not helping right now.

I hope you're feeling a bit better today, San. :bighug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug: to you san

 :hug: :grouphug:

thanks so much for the hugs and support, sd, bb, and notalone.  they are truly appreciated. :hug: :hug: :hug:

yesterday, my d and i treated ourselves to a spa day - it was a christmas gift for us - and it was glorious.  i was looking for releasing toxins mainly, so did a long sit in the steam room, and got a great massage, one of the best i've had, back to the steam and relaxed by the bay.  felt cleansed - not only were things loosened up and expelled, but i did some eye movements and expunged some thoughts of people who had been mean to me, which felt really good.  just some stuff i'd tolerated and absorbed, but it feels like it's out of me now.

dang, i wish i could do that every week! 

back to reality now.  still having trouble w/ those dang intrusive thoughts, don't know what to do about my mex. hub, still using the meds to get myself thru the day still no t until next month.  i'd gotten used to seeing her every wee, it felt so supportive, and now i'm back to floundering on my own.  those thoughts come in and i find myself creaming STOP!STOP! to my mind - it's not a very pleasant experience to wake up to.

gotta stop writing about this - just brings it all up into my face again.

i was thinking about all the struggling i've been doing since this past sept., wondering why my stuff has come up and hit me in the face so hard that i couldn't recover when i was doing my own work on myself, and was getting deeper into the abyss instead of feeling like i was doing more than simply keeping my head above water, to the point where i'm relying on meds most every day now - what came to me was that i've been in such a healthy environment for over a year and a half, and i think the lack of stress has allowed this stuff to bubble up. 

i mean, in a little over 2 yrs, i went from physically fighting cancer in mex., where it had gotten to the point that i was losing strength and energy daily, and the massive heat kept me indoors for the majority of the year, all the while squabbling every day w/ my hub and toxic relationships w/ friends and family to living w/ my d, being cared for and about with kindness and generosity, and being surrounded by nature of the highest quality.  wow!  an absolute breeding ground for all those demons to come roaring through cuz they weren't being distracted from, denied, or pushed away by continual chronic stress.

they now had found room to breathe, and decided all at once not to take a back seat in my life, cuz there was space for them and they could show their ugly faces en masse.  i don't know if this is how it works in reality, but it feels like it could be real for me.  guess i'll just push on, make it from day to day.  i really do miss seeing my t every week, tho - it didn't take long to depend on those weekly meetings - and she won't be back till march.  i've got 2 interim appts. w/ someone else, and it'll feel good to touch base w/ someone, i hope, just for stability's sake.  that doesn't happen till next month, tho, so i'm still struggling w/ this on my own and a bit of help from chemistry.

i'm so grateful i have this place to spew - it really helps.

glancing thru the forum, i've noticed a couple times now that there are so many different places i could be writing about what's going on with me, but i've rarely used anything but my journal.  one thought flitted thru my brain just now - pain.  i'm only just becoming aware of how much pain i'm in, am holding in my body - the last funeral i did showed me some of that - and i think i'm scared of it.  the pain was so much that i had to take a break, do something else for about an hour before i could go back and finish the funeral.

i have more to do, i know that, but i'm scared.  and i'm scared/anxious to write in any of the other categories specific to what i'm going thru.  this is a new realization for me, but i guess it needs to come out or i wouldn't be writing about it here.  i know that at this time, i'm too fragile to read about the pain of others either.  crapola!  i feel awful.

i wrote to my mex. hub, told him that i'm working on all this stuff, all the triggers that got set off when he told me about his experiment w/ viagra, but that my t was gone till march, and it was upsetting me just to write that to him, so i sent just that.  this is the second day i've felt depressed, which i haven't felt in a long time.  then i was looking up acronyms, and found FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - and i believe that's what i'm feeling by cutting off talking to him.  he's just lost 2 jobs in 6 mos., not thru his own fault, and i know that talking to me, hearing my voice, was often what got him thru the hard times.

so, i've taken my voice away from him now, and i know that's hurting him terribly, and i feel awful about that.  i know people were glad to hear that i cut off communication w/ him, had opinions about him, but it's just more pain now.  i don't know if i'm doing the right thing - he's basically a good guy, just doesn't have much of a clue, and i keep telling myself this is a good thing.  but it feels horrible.

I'm not sure if I understand you correctly? I hope you don't feel awful for not reading about others' pain on here? Here, you are allowed to put your own healing in first place!! You're feeling fragile and you come first.

I would say the same about the situation with your ex-h in Mex. You're both in pain and distress, for different reasons, but you are now putting yourself first. It may not feel good or easy because such steps often don't. It does get better though!

:bighug: :bighug:

no, blueberry, i don't feel awful about not reading about others' pain, but thank you for that.  i feel awful cuz i'm now feeling my own pain, and it's horrendous, and to write on other parts of the forum, to get specific about some of those issues, well, i'm afraid of the pain that's going to bring up.  like, to recognize it, give it the weight it deserves, may be too painful to bear.

and thank you for the validation about mex. hub.  i appreciate that so much.  plus, those hugs felt so embracing, and i needed that feeling right now.

this pain thing - i've said i've been in pain before, but couldn't really feel it.  when i did the funeral for my family (ex and daughters) a couple weeks ago, i was grabbed by pain so strong i couldn't believe it!  i've done funerals for people before, but i guess my defenses were too high and hard to actually feel it then.  now, it's coming to the surface, and i can't believe how profound, deep, and all-encompassing it is!  like a huge tidal wave of hurt washing over, around, and through me at the same time.

so, i'm scared of it now, yet i know in the back of my mind that i'll need to push through it and write about some of my stuff in other places on the forum.  i just know how real that's going to make everything, in a very different way, and the pain attached to it is going to hurt so much.  dang, i've been defended w/in myself for so long, i didn't realize the extent of this.

but not today.  this was a big enough step for today.  i went to the ocean this morning, very rough and tumble waves, stood on the beach watching them.  it was a time for leaving things behind, letting the waves take this crapola from me.  a couple times they were so huge and gruff, and the tide was coming in, that watching them made it feel like they were going to keep coming and take me into the sea with them.  it was a strange feeling, a bit scary, but wondrous at the same time.  i let some of my gunk out and let the waves take that instead.  for a moment . . . but it was only for a moment, and i let it go.  i still have work to do.

looking at all the different headings on the forum, i think i could write something meaningful under 90% of them.  not today - i'm wiped from writing about emotional neglect in childhood.  it was good, but i'm done for today.  off to the porch.

told my mex. hub today in no uncertain terms to stop emailing me cuz every time i see his name, everything swirls up again.  i had a huge panic attack last nite, it took hours and meds to be able to breathe normally again.  i know part of that was from dealing w/ him and all the triggers that are plaguing me over and over.  i feel like i'm unraveling today.

 :cheer: on the no uncertain terms!
:hug: :bighug: to help you not unravel. I think I might know what you mean to unravel and it's horrible. 

I add my  :bighug: to help keep you from unraveling. Love you if you're completely together, frayed around the edges, or completely unraveled.

thanks so much blueberry and notalone - i'm welling up with feeling your care and kindness.  and, yep, it is a horrible feeling.  just trying to get to tomorrow. :hug: :hug:

and, thanks, bb, for the cheer - i needed that.

the dam broke loose on my heartbreaks today - once again, something i never really felt, just had to keep going on to the next phase of my life.  terrible torrents of tears, ugly, poisonous, hot w/ toxins.  they kept coming, even after i thought they were finished.  i major relationship and 3 husbands.  there may be more, i'll need to explore a bit (like the mr.) but for now i'm working on the funeral for them.

i picked out funeral floral arrangements that spoke to me for each one - my ex. got 2, one of them a black bleeding heart (he is black-hearted in my mind) and the other was a red floral heart with long red streamers. to me, they represented the gushing of blood from my heart because of what he did.  tomorrow i'll write the words i need to say to each one, and close those caskets in my mind. 

i'm pretty wiped out right now, and after the fact it was good to let those tears loose, but, dang, i never realized how my heart has bounced back time after time, how much pain i've been holding.  i feel a bit lighter right this minute, which is good, but i'm really hungry and just want to rest.  this was enough for today. 

San,
I feel for you and all the pain and grief that you are experiencing. Picking out specific, significant floral arrangements was smart and creative. No wonder you are exhausted. I hope you have gotten something to eat, rest and comfort.  :hug:

thank you so much, notalone.  i did eat comfort food, so that took care of 2 of those things in one shot!  lol!  went to bed early, but had a lot of dreams.

the dream that woke me up was about my ex and my bro, and it very clearly showed just how disconnected my ex was from our family.  i think my B was a stand-in for our D's in the dream.  what woke me up was the absolute disinterest my ex had in anything that was going on, the dead look in his eyes.  he was there in body, but not in spirit.

i've known, even while it was going on, that he'd checked out of our family matters, preferring to absent himself any way he could during the day so he didn't have much to do w/ any of us.  i'd confronted him on it several times over the years, about how much time he'd spend away, besides his regular job during the day.  he always found some other way to escape us and what was happening, whether it was golf, naps, extra jobs, or somehow being on stage, either w/ plays or in a band, which both necessitated a lot of rehearsals during the evenings.

he's admitted in later years that he checked out to both our D's, but never to me, never apologized.  one thing i learned about misogynistic npd's is that they don't like to be tied down by the 'rules' (this was many years after our marriage was over) of everyday life - don't have any interest in being what's considered a regular family man.  they'll go along cuz they want to look good to others, but really have no care about it. looking back, it's all so clear.

he had any excuse to get away from us, including me at night.  he wanted his own time on his own terms.  this dream showed it in his eyes so vividly that it woke me up - the clarity of it all.  yeah, i've realized this for some time now, have gone nc w/ him 5 yrs. ago (finally), but this crystallized it in the front of my brain in no uncertain terms, just what i'd been looking at but refusing to see for 20 yrs. of marriage and another 15 yrs. of trusting him w/ my finances while i was so sick in mex. - to the point where i signed over power of attorney on our house!  that sickens me to my core.

well, altho he's brought me to my knees several times, some more seriously than others, i guess i always got up again.  i'm sure that the funerals i started yesterday stirred this in my mind, but all i want to do is get him out of there for good!  i'm so tired of his access to both my waking and sleeping hours, and it seems that so far nothing i do is helping get rid of him!  it makes me fear for my sanity at times, and i'm on meds daily because of it now.  i just want to get away from him!!!!!!!!!!!! god, help me!  he's making me so sick!  and my t won't be available till march!  more unraveling!  i don't know what else to do!

Hang in there, San. We've got you. :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Those funerals sound really intense. It's not something I've heard of doing before.

I have a couple of thoughts, which you can ignore if they're not helpful.

First, would it help if you imagined some of us attending the funerals with you? We could hold you, comfort you, support you while you mourn. I guess I'm wondering if you need to attend the funerals by yourself, or if it would be helpful to hold the funerals in the circle of our love. Would that be more healing, or would it get in the way? :Idunno:

Second, these words rang a bell:

Quotei'm so tired of his access to both my waking and sleeping hours, and it seems that so far nothing i do is helping get rid of him!

I have had similar experiences. It felt like it was driving me crazy because I couldn't get away from it! One thing that helped was seeing that unwanted access as a cord connecting me to the person, and then getting rid of that cord so the connection was no longer there. I can tell you more if you think it might be helpful, but I don't want to overwhelm you, and it might not feel right.

Sending you much love and more big hugs. :bighug:

QuoteFirst, would it help if you imagined some of us attending the funerals with you? We could hold you, comfort you, support you while you mourn. I guess I'm wondering if you need to attend the funerals by yourself, or if it would be helpful to hold the funerals in the circle of our love. Would that be more healing, or would it get in the way? :Idunno:

I would offer my presence, too....

Quote from: Three Roses on January 29, 2020, 07:12:41 PM

QuoteFirst, would it help if you imagined some of us attending the funerals with you? We could hold you, comfort you, support you while you mourn. I guess I'm wondering if you need to attend the funerals by yourself, or if it would be helpful to hold the funerals in the circle of our love. Would that be more healing, or would it get in the way? :Idunno:

I would offer my presence, too....

Me too.

I hope you slept better last night. You've been in my thoughts. Big hugs. :hug: :hug:

snowdrop, i so appreciate your care and concern.  thank you. 

the idea of having you all at my funerals is a great idea!  i've done that on a couple occasions so far, like when i left mex., and taking my F's picture (and his judgments) out of my room, putting it all in my closet.  both occasions, i was able to imagine a group of you with me, and it really helped.  i guess i still don't think of asking for help like that because i'm so used to doing things to take care of myself by myself, so i really appreciate that you thought of it and passed it on to me.  you all will absolutely be with me for the next one.

don't know why, but when i wrote the words 'we've got you', it really hit me, i could feel it as something new and real.  it struck me, my heart, in such a good way -- something wondrous, actually.  don't know if i've ever heard it before. 

the funerals were something i started several years ago (wrote about them here) as a way to grieve losses in my life.  i found the images, wrote a lot of the crapola i had inside me, especially towards people who'd hurt me - i was trying to kill all that bad stuff off by writing it out - i probably did about 25 of them, one after another.

these are different, now.  these are about putting to rest all the things i'd wanted but didn't get, mourning for what hadn't happened that i'd wanted to happen, expected, thought how things would go with people, experiences, situations in my life.  this time is also different in that i'm feeling the pain and crying it out - something i'd never done before.  i didn't cry over lost loves nor feel the pain of heartbreak, haven't cried about my parents' deaths (didn't go to either funeral) in a meaningful way nor about what i hadn't gotten from them that i'd wanted - like telling me 'we've got you'. 

so, these funerals are serving a different purpose, and, yeah, they are intense.  feeling the pain of what i've either gone thru or didn't get that i deserved is a little more abstract, but i realized in therapy that when i cry watching movies or tv shows, it's more about that - the patience, kindness, gentleness, caring that i didn't get - and i'm focusing those tears and feeling the pain now, which is making a difference, i think.  it's really awful to feel it, tho, after not having felt it for all these years, but it's been hurting my body cuz i didn't, and i know it's important to get it out of me, so i'm doing it no matter how bad it feels.  but the support from you and everyone here has helped make it bearable, so i thank you for that.

i'd like to hear more about the cord-cutting scenario - i'm open to new ideas.  i don't know how it might work cuz i've tried everything i know how to stop this, but i'd appreciate you telling me.  thank you so. :hug:

3r, thank you - absolutely you'd be there.  you've already been there when i left mex. and putting my F's photo out of sight.  you've been there for me for years, and i love it that you have and continue to be. :hug:

notalone, i'm so happy to have you as part of that group, being with me as i go thru these funerals.  i don't know when the next one will be for sure, but i'll know you're with me.  thank you so much. :hug:

i've thought about finishing these past funerals about heartbreaks, cuz i haven't done that yet, but i just can't.  not right now.  i'm feeling so fragile, barely making it from one day to the next, i think they'll have to wait till i get a bit more strength back.  writing about how each of them broke my heart feels too big, so i might have to break it down into pieces.  one at a time.  even writing this is making my gut tighten up, so i guess i'd better stop. 

thank you, snowdrop, for thinking of me.  so much. :hug:

:hug:

I'll send you a couple of PMs so that I don't derail your journal.

i just got triggered big time, want to get this out of me.

i was working w/ my d on researching mind control techniques for her newest book, she then asked if i'd look up sociopaths, kept talking, but immediately my mind went to her F, my ex - he is classic.  i stopped writing, told her i didn't want to do that one, she said ok.  i didn't explain, she didn't ask, but suddenly i could feel my face drain and my mind felt exhausted.  i don't know if she had an idea why i refused, but i know she doesn't want to know.  it's so hard not to be able to tell her - the battle is on more than one front when it comes to him.

thanks, sd, for the pm's - i began reading the first one, got overwhelmed (it was right after this happened about the same person), so i'll have to wait, but i really appreciate your effort on my behalf.  thank you.

San, wanting you to know I'm here too, holding light and love with you as you walk through this. This is biiiig stuff, so many years of pain that has been held deep within (hidden or put in a box at the time to keep you safe) and allowing yourself to mourn is monumental to releasing that pain, to being truly with you.

You are amazing and so worthy and lovable, and deserving of relief, care, love, peace and freedom. Big  :hug:

Hi again San. Our posts crossed and I wanted to acknowledge the trigger you are experiencing.  You're right, it's so complicated when it is looped around our children. I see you have been working through so much and I know that for me, that leaves me feeling pretty fragile.  I think its so brave that you let your D know you didn't want to research that one. That sounds like you taking care of you.

I'm lighting a smudge stick and sending cleansing smoke across your way to soothe the scary feelings from the trigger, the anxiety and discomfort they cause.  When I have been triggered lately, I have been getting in touch with a deep knowing that I am safe in the reality I am in now. That I am loved, that I am supported by people who care about me. I acknowledge the fear, the discomfort, whatever the feeling is, I say, I see you, thank you for wanting to protect me, and then I try to release it and allow the emotion underneath to come through or sometimes I'm just needing to focus on the task in front of me. I'm still learning to practice all of this, but it has made a huge difference. So much is in alignment with what you have been sharing as well.

I hope it passes soon San.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 30, 2020, 05:48:16 PM
i was working w/ my d on researching mind control techniques for her newest book, she then asked if i'd look up sociopaths, kept talking, but immediately my mind went to her F, my ex - he is classic.  i stopped writing, told her i didn't want to do that one, she said ok.  i didn't explain, she didn't ask, but suddenly i could feel my face drain and my mind felt exhausted.  i don't know if she had an idea why i refused, but i know she doesn't want to know.  it's so hard not to be able to tell her - the battle is on more than one front when it comes to him.

:cheer: you put yourself first here! imo your own emotional safety, your own health are more important than your d's book. I know you like to help her but good on you for taking care of you too!

You're doing so much emotional work for you atm and I think you're doing a wonderful job of balancing that along with everything else you've been doing irl including getting your own book published, printed and out there!

ime FOO or FOC stuff is so difficult when you know you can't be honest with one person about your feelings because they see somebody else differently from the way you do or they just don't want to know about your version of events. At least you can write it on here and we're listening and we care.  :grouphug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on January 29, 2020, 02:04:16 PM
One thing that helped was seeing that unwanted access as a cord connecting me to the person, and then getting rid of that cord so the connection was no longer there.

Getting rid of the cord to cut the connection sounds like what my T and I were doing with Screen Processing.  I don't want to overwhelm you atm either, san, but if you want any more information on this, I can pm you. Let me know if/when you're ready.

Oof. But I'm glad you listened to yourself and stopped. :hug:

One more thought. Have you ever tried using Bach Rescue Remedy? I find it helpful, so I thought I'd mention it.

San, glad you were able to take care of yourself and tell your daughter that you couldn't help her with that now. I hear that it brought a lot of feelings and disruption.  :hug:

blueberry, thanks.  i'd like to take you up on that in a couple days when i settle a little.  i really appreciate you sharing that w/ me.  i'll pm you, ok? :hug:
snowdrop, i just got back from getting the Bach remedy, it's being absorbed on my tongue as we speak.  thank you for this suggestion - fingers crossed and prayers flying!
notalone, thanks for the validation.  i'm still reeling from it, many hours later.   :hug:

while in the store, getting the bach remedy, i started crying.  so sad that i am this messed up!  i think part of that is because i'm to the point where i can't do this on my own anymore, even w/ the help of everyone here.  it's like it's reached a new level of horrible.  i'm afraid of going down even further to the point where i just want to stay curled up in my chair and watch mindless tv all day.  or not.  just curl up.  and there are things i want to do, like working on my next book, but i can't focus for more than about 15 min. 

i just don't know.  not having my t available isn't helping - i'm at the edge of the rabbit hole.

glad to say that the bach remedy helped last nite - i took larger than the recommended dose, but at least i was able to finally relax a bit.  it was really nice to feel that, so thank you, snowdrop, for mentioning it.  i'm really glad i tried it.  once again, the people here have helped save me.  i feel more human this morning.  i literally don't know what i'd do w/o you! :grouphug:

just want to stay a bit more stable today.  that's my goal for the entire day.  some stability.  wow - it doesn't sound like a lot, maybe, but right now that's HUGE!  :stars: just get thru today not feeling like i did yesterday. would feel so good. 

and, that's all i got.  but for now, it's enough.  thanks again for your support, and snowdrop, for letting me know about the bach remedy.  i've tried other herbal stuff w/ no results.  flower essences must speak to my inner flower child! 

Oh that's such good news! :cheer:

I get on well with Bach rescue remedy, and I'm so glad it helped you as well. It might help you stabilise today if you add a few drops to a hot drink or bottle of water, and keep sipping it through the day. I find doing that helps take the edge off things.

Take care San. Sending love and big flowery hugs. :hug:

sanmagic, just want to offer you a  :hug:, if that is OK with you.
Sab

Thinking of you San.

Sometimes getting through the day IS the important thing we do. I know its hard to have patience with ourselves and the kind of compassion we would have for someone else we cared about, especially when we're down. 

I hope the light you keep shining out of you, even though you have been walking through so much, feels brighter and stronger, a little at a time perhaps, and you find some relief soon.  :hug: MB

loved the flower-filled hugs, snowdrop.  thanks so much

s&b, hugs are always welcome.  thank you.  feels good.

mb, thanks for thinking of me.  i agree - getting thru the day can be the important thing.  i'm still there, and i'm still here.

couldn't get to sleep, it's 5 a.m.  i'm finding myself getting anxious after my d goes to bed cuz i'm worried about not being able to sleep.  and, here i am.  i did the bach remedy last nite, too, which did help me feel less stressed while she was still up, and i was hoping that would help when i finally got tired, but i guess not.  i'll sleep later.  again, just want to get thru this day.

i'm beginning to wonder if this has turned toward depression.  i'm having a hard time maintaining 'level' on my own w/o xanax daily now.  dang, i wish my t would get back.

getting ready to go to sleep.

San, not sleeping is awful on top of everything else. Hope you were able to get some rest.  :hug:

I'm sorry, San. I hope your t gets back soon. :hug:

thanks, notalone.  yep, not being able to sleep is such a great fear of mine, bad sleep has gone on for over 30 yrs., now, even w/ meds, that i'm anxious most every nite worrying about it.  doing absolutely the one thing that will not help, right?  i know,   :hug: back atcha.

thanks, snowdrop.  me, too. :hug:

my d is gonna call the office of my t tomorrow - she's going to try to 'coerce' them to get me in to see someone.  my pleas haven't been enough, or they're just too busy (it's part of soc. services).  at any rate, we'll see what happens.  of course, since we don't have a car and very little money, a cab is out of the question. ack!  all i see are reasons why it's not going to work!

time to see if dr. bach will help.

If you get on well with rescue remedy, it's worth looking at the individual essences to see if anything leaps out at you. I found a list here: http://www.bachflower.com/original-bach-flower-remedies/ (http://www.bachflower.com/original-bach-flower-remedies/). Rescue remedy is a blend of five of the essences.

:hug:

thanks, sd.  yeah, when i originally looked it up, i noticed that it can be personally blended.  i'm keeping it in mind.  so far so good, tho, altho i'm using a double dose.  white chestnut looked really good to me.  i do appreciate you keeping me in mind, tho.  very sweet and kind of you.

so, i made it thru today.  hopefully, a shower tomorrow.  that's what i'm aiming for. 

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

thanks for the hugs, sceal - much appreciated!

i made my goal, plus walked to the store and did the dishes.  yay!  tired tonite, tho.  hopefully i'll be able to sleep tonite.

my d called the therapy center to ask if i could get in sooner w/ someone than next week, but, no.  they gave her a crisis line instead, in case i needed to talk to someone.  honestly, i don't trust it, which is why i haven't called it before.  i've heard so much from people here about being burned on these things, plus i don't know what i'd say!  anyway, maybe i need to keep a more open mind about it - i know i'm gonna be wigged out next week when i go to see someone different.  don't know what i'll say to her, either.

i hate this.

Have you tried online chat with help lines? I've done that on some of my darkest evenings and I found they've helped more than phonecall to crisis lines.

Thinking of you

no, sceal, i don't know anything about those.  i did another narc abuse forum for awhile, but the mods were quite rude, plus the program ended up being very disturbing for me, so i just backed away.  i've been to other forums in the past, but not very helpful.  don't have the energy right now to look for anything.  what would i look under?  i'm not thinking too well right now, but thank you for the suggestion.  i appreciate it. :hug:

Thinking of you San. That's great you got so much done! I know how hard it is to even move when feeling in it so deeply.

I totally understand not wanting to call the crisis line too. My T would tell me to call the crisis line when I needed extra support and it never felt like a viable option. I felt like I didn't need to talk to just anyone, I needed to feel cared for by someone who knew me or kind of knew me, and in that, not alone, which there just wasn't anyone like that for so long. OOTS helped me more than anything in those times. Just reading and rereading sometimes if I couldn't post.  I have heard others say they are helpful and perhaps worth a try. I think for me, when I'm in crisis, it feels like too much of a risk.

I'm here with you San, in spirit for sure, lighting a candle for you each night when I reflect on my day and ask for blessings, holding a little light for each of us.  :hug:

hey, mb, i agree w/ you.  hearing from you, what you said, helped me feel just that little bit better.  i believe i had the same kinds of thoughts as you - i didn't want just 'someone' to talk to me generically.  this stuff is so far away from generic.  i appreciate the candle - that's just such a lovely thought, and i'll take it to bed with me tonite.  thank you so much for that.  sharing a little light.  love and hugs! :hug:

had a good nap, which always helps.  gonna make it thru today till tomorrow, which is not a bad thing. 

San, really upsetting that the therapy center can't get you in to see someone. When you are hanging on the end of the rope, you need a net, not for someone to say hang on a little longer.  :stars:  :hug:

you are part of my net, notalone, for which i'm totally grateful you and the others are here.  my d, too.  you all really help me hang on.  thank you so. i'll make it till tomorrow.

I understand that not thinking well. It's hard to verbalise sometimes what one needs because one doesn't always know or know how to ask. Perhaps private chat helpline isn't what you need right now.
I'm not sure what one would search for either in the us.

If the crisis senter cant help, is there a church or something similar that could help?

Hold on in there. One breath at a time

thank you so, sceal.  that's exactly what i'm doing - one breath, one step, one day.  i agree about not always knowing how to ask, and sometimes not even knowing what to ask for, not knowing what is needed.  right now i've put a hold on doing any kind of trauma work, which i think is also helping.  i was still going at it, like doing homework from my t, and not realizing the impact it was going to have.  i've stopped that now, keeping myself as bland as possible, except for an installation of an angel guardian to keep those intrusive thoughts at bay.  that's been helping, too.

i'll make it.  it just sucks as to how it feels like getting there!

San, I think that is so wise, to take a step back from processing right now.  It is so hard on us to unpack, to dig into the trauma. I definitely had to work pretty diligently at distraction at times, to master my thoughts to be anywhere but in the pain, just so I could come back in. I needed a break. I know you have been doing so much and dealing with so much, feeling so much--which is amazing and brave and necessary. It's also so important to take time to fill back up. All things we know right? But rarely give ourselves the room to honor that for ourselves.  I wish for you a reprieve. A little R & R for San.

So much love and respect dear one.  :hug:

hey, mb, thanks for the support and validation.  i appreciate it. :hug:

middle of the nite, woke up and was immediately bombarded by thoughts/images of D#1, and couldn't get rid of them so i decided to just get up and get my day going.  blast!   :fallingbricks: i wish i could get a break!  it just keeps coming!

i decided to write a list of everything that's triggered me since my t's been gone.  i realized last nite that i might not be able to remember it all when i finally get to see her again, and who knows what new horrors might come my way in the next month?  i don't want to forget, but i don't want to keep it in my mind trying to remember.  it's hard enough reminding me of everything, bringing it back to mind. 

trying not to process, but i guess my brain has other ideas! 

Maybe having it on paper will allow your brain to take a break from it.

yeah, notalone, that's what i'm hoping for. :hug:

i did realize yesterday that writing on my next book is starting to trigger me, too, so i'll have to take a break from it.  it's about my first 3 mo. in mex., but the way i originally wrote it it was way more about my hub's story than it had been about mine.  i was encouraged to write from my point of view as well, what brought me down there, etc., and i thought all i needed to do was a bit of tweaking here and there, but getting into some of the details of my life till then, how i explained them to my hub when he was asking about me, and my emotions, depression, nightmares that were going on at the time was getting to me, so i guess i'll have to give that a rest for a bit right now, too.

dammit, this crapola is getting in my way!  i wanted to get this one done by this summer so i could have 2 books ready in case we're able to hit the farmers market like we did last year, which was very fun and quite a bit of selling was going on, much to our surprise.   but, i guess i'll have to give myself a few days on the porch - yesterday was extremely tough to get thru - so, i just need to do some mundane rather than creative things for a bit.  settle down a little in my mind.  netflix, here i come!

I can imagine that working on that would be triggering.

It's quite possible that you'll be able to write far more productively later on if you take time out now, when you need to. Possibly even leave the book until your T comes back, as I'm sure seeing her will help. Giving yourself permission to take the time out will give you time and space to settle, which it sounds as though you need.
:bighug:

Agreed San and Snowdrop.  That kind of history writing, whether it's related to good memories or hard memories seems to really shake things up, like an un-earthing of pieces of past. It is hard work!

I like the idea of writing down the triggers as a way to put them somewhere so you don't feel like you have to hold them until your T comes back.  Thanks for sharing San.

Keep on taking care of you. I love that you are listening to your inner being and saying, ok. A few days on the porch are needed. And you are so worth taking this all at the pace that feels safe and hopefully manageable. I know it's been so hard.

:hug:

It is very easy to fall into the trap "but I should do X", and the spend all the time and energy to worry about not getting it done, not putting in too much effort. Feeling guilty when not sitting down and working on X. And  end up spending much more time on worrying and being stressed. I think taking a break is good. Put it away for a while, and sit and watch Netflix. For days or weeks if that is what it takes..and then when your body is telling you it's time. Then sit down and do it, you'll have more fun with the book, and it will most likely be better too.

Resting is half the job when dealing with things. Be it creating things, or processing trauma. Rest is essential.

P.S I spent all last weekend binge watching Next in Fashion. It was a nice break

snowdrop, moonbeam, and sceal - it was so good to hear you tell me to take a break.  you were all right on about taking the time out so that i can regroup and go back at it at another time.  thank you so much for your encouragement and care!  :hug: :hug: :hug:

i have an appt. w/ the interim t this coming fri.  don't have a clue as to what i'll talk about - an hour isn't enough time to talk all this thru.  i'm just hoping that speaking to some irl will be stabilizing, maybe take some of the pressure off my brain and out of my mind.  i'm on meds daily now, which i hate, but at least they're keeping me sane, so i'll take it, like it or not.  wondering about being depressed now, tho.  this may have taken more of a toll on me than i realize.  it's been going on since sept., so that's nearly 6 mos. that's a long time to be struggling like this.  no wonder i'm feeling weary.

i have found a bit of a routine that's working for me tho, as far as the writing goes - i'm able to do about 15 min./day before i start feeling wobbly, so at least i'm getting something done (kind of a deadline going, want to get it done by may) and that helps.  it's not enough to send me into a tizzy, which is good. 

ever onward!  i've read some posts now about this trauma workshop or something program that others are watching and getting some good stuff out of.  it's been recommended to me, but honestly, i just can't put more of anything like that into my brain right now.  it's like i'm trying to either put entertaining programs in, or just keep it still.  gonna read some 'mary poppins' today - that should be relaxing and fun to boot.  that's about the level of anything i can stand right now - kids' stories!

Hi SanMagic,
What a great idea to read some Mary Poppins, that sounds really nice.  I hope you enjoyed it.

I also hope that your appt with your interim t goes ok on Friday.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

thanks, hope.  mary p. is wonderful :hug:

tough day, making it to tomorrow.  that's all i'm working on.

had to come to terms w/ not being able to do what i used to do, even tho i love it (writing and workshops), certainly not now, maybe never.  i hate having to put that kind of stuff aside.  had a good chat w/ my d this morning, she said there was a lot of 'take charge' stuff about me before that she wasn't really fond of, altho she knows it's cuz that's what i had to do.  said she likes me better now in some ways.  i've had to let some of that drive and my work ethic behind, and that's very sad to me.  i feel like someone else,

Sanmagic, I just want to say, I think writing 15 minutes a day is really something to be proud of. You are showing up in a beautiful way consistently (even if it isn't every day) to bring energy forward, working towards something that is important to you.  :cheer:

Also, kid's books rock!  I have shelves full and Princess Bride is my fave. Though, honestly its hard to pick a fave.

Today is a good day to be gentle with ourselves to practice love and patience.   :hug:

mb, thank you for all the encouragement.  i truly appreciate it. :hug:

had an anxiety attack before my appt. this morning, but the t was very gentle and very nice.  she said some extremely validating things, such as anyone would hate my ex just from knowing the little i told her about him.  she also told me, what w/ my borderline aspberger's and my alexithymia that i was a child who needed to have been in a family that would have provided special care socially and i got one that was quite the opposite.  she had me sobbing several times just by her kindness and caring attitude (i'm on the verge of tears just writing about it), and that what i need around me is gentleness.  sobs again.  i'm very glad i got to see her.

i was hoping to get stabilized, and, altho it was good to talk to someone, right now i'm feeling quite small and raw.  mentally and emotionally exhausted, but very small.  i'm wondering if this isn't an ef right now.  very vulnerable.  i'll see her in 2 weeks, then it'll be another 2 wks. before i can see my reg. t again.  this is so difficult.  my chest is tight.  that's a sign of either anxiety or fear - i can't always tell them apart.

San,
I'm so glad the T showed you gentleness and kindness. Give yourself a lot of care.  :hug:

I've read your posts, San. It's ok. We've got you. You're safe. I'm wrapping you up in a big, big hug of love and kindness. :bighug:

thanks, notalone.  this feels like self-care to me. :hug:

snowdrop, that hug was just what i needed.  honestly, thank you.  i'm breathing again. :hug:

One or two of my parts spend a lot of time with a bear, and I wondered if it might help for you to be with the bear for a while as well. The bear is very strong, and it provides grounding and healing. It protects from harm, and can watch over you while you sleep. It also gives excellent bear hugs.
:bighug:

your bear is wonderful, snowdrop.  i do have a plush robe from my d, and an 'alice in the garden of talking flowers' throw that i use daily to wrap myself in when i take a nap.  i call them my love covers.  they are very safe feeling, comforting, to me.

i never had a stuffed animal as a kid that i used as a little lover.  no pets, either, so those are a bit foreign to me.  i had one dog who meant a lot to me many, many years ago, but that's another story.  these 2 items now do ground me and help me feel loved, which is a great feeling.  like i'm not alone.

feeling not quite as raw this morning.  glad for that.  the idea of being depressed is still looming, tho.  guess i'll just have to keep muddling thru.

the interim t wasn't really aware of c-ptsd, nor of alexithymia, but was open to hearing about them, and acted very kindly and gently w/ me.  at the end of the session, i asked for a hug, she immediately opened her arms, told me that my hug level was nearly deplete, and i can use all the hugs i can get.  told me that i had needed a family who was aware of my special needs (so to speak - socially awkward, very sensitive, highly confused about feelings) but got one that was basically not even in the same room with that concept.

someone else wrote about the choices made because of parental toxicity, how they could've been so much further ahead in their lives if they'd gotten parental support, adult support.  i think that my lack of fear throughout most of my life allowed me to accomplish a lot - i just went ahead and did what i wanted to do w/o giving much thought about it.  other people were afraid for me, but i wasn't.  it allowed me my independence, getting out of my parents' house at an early age, experimenting, and generally pleasing my curiosity by continually looking for adventure and new experiences, and then learning from them.  i don't know that i could have accomplished more.

once again, the individuality of this wounding of body, mind, and spirit astounds me at times.

I'm glad you're feeling less raw, San. I've been thinking of you. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop :hug:

just been up and down lately.  had some very stressful news about my d's girlfriend - they were friends since they were 9 or so - and it knocked me out of my socks for a few days.  feeling better now, but still not sleeping well.  will see that other t on fri.  i just want this battling to lessen.  it's wearing me out, not sleeping well, not eating well, not feeling well.  ugh!

I hope your session on Friday brings you a little relief. Hope you get a good night's sleep tonight.  :hug:

thanks, notalone.  i hope so, too, on both counts.  little extra xanax today, maybe that'll help me sleep better tonite. :hug:

Sleep well, dear one. :hug:

thank you, snowdrop.  i actually did sleep well last nite - i'll bet your vibes helped! :hug:

feeling better today.  xanax is helping with the triggers.  i'm looking forward to seeing a shrink, maybe get more meds that will help in a different way.  xanax feels pretty flimsy to me, like flighty or something.  not sure if i need some anti-deps, but i'm not ruling them out at this point.  ack!  i just can't wait to get my t back and get back on some kind of routine.  my mind is too full, flaky, and frenetic.  that's gotta stop!

anniversary of my marriage to my ex - it was on leap year, so it stands out every time it rolls around.  at least i'll have a t appt. the day before (with the substitute) so i'll be able to hopefully get some of the crapola out with her, leave it at her office.  the cleaning people will wash it away for me.  dang, i can't get away from triggers!!!

I hope it goes well with the t today, San. We'll be in the waiting room if you need us. :hug:

i definitely need you all, snowdrop - thanks for the reminder.

my regular t will be back, and there's so much, i know i'll be a mess, but i'll get to see her next week as well, so just having a week between should be ok.  i'm so nervous, afraid cuz so much has happened, there's so much stress financially - just had a filling crack on me, it's like 65 yrs. old, and no dental ins. and there's none to be found.  i'm on soc. sec. and medicare, but, of course, it doesn't cover the 2 things us older folks need most - dental and vision.  ugh!  i hate the health care system. 

so, money we had earmarked for taxes will now have to go toward a stupid filling!  no pain, so it's not an emergency.  and my d got several slaps to her business - a client cancelling, another reader who raised her prices way out of range, and so-called friends who didn't come thru like they've been promising for 2 yrs. w/ clients for her.  plus, i've been so out of it, i can't write much to get another book out for when we go to the farmers market this summer to help bring in extra income.  way too much stress lately and we're both feeling it.  not a good thing for us.

so, yes, you're all with me, holding me up so i can support her.  i hate seeing her so down - she's got her own crapola going on so this isn't good for her, either.  my mother's heart weeps.  i'm so sick of being poor . . .

dang, that was a pure rant last nite that i posted.  i'm a little calmer now - my d and i were able to talk about it a bit, and she's gotten more optimistic, so that's good. just waiting for my appt. w/ my t.  i'm a nervous wreck, for some reason, tho.  it's like i don't know how to get back into this with her.  it seems like it's been ages.

Money issues are stressful.

Our mom hearts never stop hurting for our kids. Glad your d is feeling more optimistic.

How did your session go?

Quote from: notalone on February 28, 2020, 08:36:58 PM
Money issues are stressful.

:yeahthat:

:bighug: :bighug: to you san. If you feel like a rant on here, then rant away. It's your Journal!

San,

It sounds like you're having a stressful time of things.  So you did the best thing by having a rant.

I hope that things improve soon. 

Sending my hugs  :hug:

hey, notalone, i totally agree - mom hearts never take a rest.   :hug:

blueberry, thanks for that.  i may need to rant more as my process in therapy goes on.   :hug:

snook, thank you - it just came out, so i guess that's what i needed to do.  frustration! :hug:

my session was full of tears and toxicity - my d told me i needed to sage myself when i got home cuz it was seeping off me!  that helped, at least.  it was good to be back w/ my t, tho - it felt comfortable and settling.  i don't feel so scattered today, thank heaven.  i gave her the list of triggers i'd started writing down after she left, (couldn't finish them cuz it was too triggering to revisit them by writing them) and she just kept reading and the looks on her face changed from sympathy to caring to being amazed how many there were in such a short amount of time.

i also gave her the funeral i'd done, so she asked if she could keep it, read it later, which was fine.  then i asked again if there was any way i could get in to see her 2x/week because these lapses between sessions had been so horrible for me, and i think she's understanding a bit better now just where i'm at, how bad it is for me.  since i can't get to her early morning appts. (the ride service doesn't start that early), she's going to come to my house for several sessions until her schedule opens up again - it's packed right now cuz she's just gotten back.  so, that's very cool (we live in a very small town, she lives near me, so she's gonna see me before she goes into the office.  she actually liked the idea cuz she has 10-hr. days, and she was glad to spend some of those hours being somewhere else.

i also asked about seeing a shrink for meds, she said she was going to refer me, it would probably take 2 weeks for all the paperwork to go thru, but i have enough meds to last until then.  i mentioned maybe needing anti-deps cuz this has lasted so long (since sept.) and i'm just feeling down all the time, and i'm wondering if my brain isn't going back to depressed mode.  she wondered if my mind isn't just exhausted w/ all the battling i've been doing trying to keep these intrusive thoughts at bay.  i told her that half the time when i wake in the morning, something about someone comes into my mind and i have to mentally start screaming 'stop stop stop!!!'.  she said that kind of thing takes a lot of energy.

so, all in all, it was all good.  it feels especially good to think that someone is going to help me with this.  that's an indescribable feeling.  i just kept crying tears of relief and sadness about it.  so, i'll get to see her twice next week - we have sessions scheduled for the next 2 months, i think.  anyway, it's far enough into the future that i'm feeling a lot more comforted and cared about.  i don't think i realized, yep, hear come the tears, until just now how important that is to me, how much it hasn't been there in my life.  but, it's here now, and that feels good.

my d is very kind and patient, but she's also got her own stuff going on, so she can't give me everything i need.  plus, that's not her role.  she's very reassuring and helpful, but her father, my ex, is something we can't discuss, and he has played such a big part in all this for me.  in fact, today is our anniversary date - leap year, sadie hawkins day, very significant, both of those re: my narc ex.  so, i'll end w/ that, get thru today.

thank you all for your support.  you mean the world to me. :grouphug:

I didn't see it as a rant, but rant away if that's helpful to you and what you need to do. It's your journal for your benefit.

Your t sounds great. Wonderful that you're getting extra sessions, doubly wonderful that she's coming to your house. And she sounds as though she's giving you appropriate care and compassion. I'm delighted.

Sending you lots of love, and wrapping you up in big, big hugs.
:bighug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 29, 2020, 05:42:57 PM
it feels especially good to think that someone is going to help me with this.  that's an indescribable feeling.  i just kept crying tears of relief and sadness about it.  so, i'll get to see her twice next week - we have sessions scheduled for the next 2 months, i think.  anyway, it's far enough into the future that i'm feeling a lot more comforted and cared about.  i don't think i realized, yep, hear come the tears, until just now how important that is to me, how much it hasn't been there in my life.  but, it's here now, and that feels good.

It is huge to be heard and cared for by someone who is skilled in helping with trauma. I also have asked my T to see him 2x/week. This month that is scheduled for two weeks, and in April I start seeing him 2x/week on a regular basis.

snowdrop, i just love being wrapped in those hugs.  i was just writing about a man i was involved with, how he'd wrap me up at night, and it was some of the best sleep i've ever known.  i think it's why i like a lot of blankets, so that i can feel the weight of them against me while i sleep.  thank you for those hugs so much.

hey, notalone, i truly do believe that 2x/week is going to be especially beneficial, at least for a while.  sometimes our symptoms need to be jogged back into a safer place on a more constant level - less time for them to build up between sessions.  i'm glad you've got that going for you for as long as you need it.

feeling ok today - was able to write quite a bit this morning (memoir-type book this time, about my moving to mex. and getting together w/ my hub.  about a 3-mo. span).  it's bittersweet, tho.  it was such a convoluted time in my life, running away from home in my 50's and finding someone who was going to help me instead of hurt me.  so, it's a bit triggering at times, but it also brings some warm feelings through me.  still, it takes brain energy, and it's a rewrite, which is sometimes more difficult than the original version, so i can't spend too much time all together but have to do it in smaller pieces.  maybe i can do more later today.

it was nice to get to sleep at a decent time last nite.  i used that dr. bach stuff around 7, then my reg. meds at 10.  i think the combo helped me not be so anxious  about actually falling asleep.  also did some eft yesterday, both on my ex and my D1.  they were jumping into my mind unasked for and certainly unwanted.  it helped a bit, i think, but she still came calling first thing when i woke up this morning.  i'm so hoping therapy is going to break that up and crush it to shards for me, so i can sweep them away much more easily.  this is exhausting, this battling these thoughts.  ugh!

So good to hear you managed to get some writing done!  The book sounds interessting, and also it sounds like an important book for you to write. Perhaps it will also give you some healing once you've finished the book. I hope so atleast!
I can understand how it is tiresome mentally to write about your history, your experiences and re-visiting old things. Perhaps that's why your ex and D1 is also popping more easilly into your mind?

dang, sceal, i didn't think of that, but you could be right.  i am stirring up reasons i left, and a lot of them have to do w/ both those people!  thanks for the insight - much appreciated! :hug:

watching 'buffy' again.  one part especially hit a nerve, and i started sobbing, took a while to get myself back together.  she was talking about how she has all this responsibility, it's all on her, and i burst into tears.  i was thrown immediately back into that marriage - my ex had me doing everything, taking care of everything, dealing with everything that was going on in our family while he sat back and watched me crumble.  i had 2 breakdowns where i could barely move for a week, and he just watched it happen.

he knew how stressed i was - toward the end of our marriage, when i was going on a trip to mexico w/ my bestie (at the time - i've eliminated her now), he told me before i left that since i was so stressed, if i wanted to sleep w/ my ex-lover while i was there to go ahead and do so!.  i can barely believe that to this day!  the biggest stress reliever which he was depriving me of, and he tells me to go get it from someone else!   

just before that trip ended, i actually did end up w/ another man, but it was because, not only did i need the touch and tenderness (and relief!), i also knew my marriage was over.  about 3 weeks after i came home, we had a situation w/ D1 that he said he was going to take care of (have a family meeting), but i was home for 2 weeks and nothing had happened.  (somehow it feels good to be getting this out).  i confronted him on it, told him he was waiting for me to take care of it, as usual, and he admitted it. 

the next day, we had our 'family meeting', which consisted of the 4 of us sitting in the living room, he with a signed 'contract' that D1 had agreed to follow.  this was about the 10th contract she'd agreed to, never followed thru on any of them.  he'd asked for no input from me or D2, we just sat there, and the other 2 seemed satisfied.  i blew up - it was too much - said it was unacceptable cuz contracts had never worked in the past, and that was the end of that meeting.  a week later, i moved out of our house.  (i'd told him before i left for that trip that i couldn't live w/ D1 anymore - her abuse toward me, her unwillingness to help around the house, expecting me to be her maid service, etc. she was already 21, and i wanted her gone.  he chose her over me, so i went). 

so, yeah, a lot of crap about the 2 of them is coming up.  i've probably written all this before, but it seems to be hitting me on another level again, so again, it helps for me to write about it and get it out.  my heart is racing right now, but i want to write at least a little this morning.  i'll see my t on wed. and fri. this week - i am so looking forward to it. 

so, writing this memoir of my first 3 mos. in mex., why i left here, meeting my mex. hub - i was writing an especially sweet part last nite and suddenly i really wanted to call him.  he's hurting cuz of me telling him i didn't want to talk to him until i met w/ my t this month.  dang, i'm flashing on sceal and leaving her roomie, feeling bad and kind of responsible for him.  wow - this is messed up!

i didn't call, will talk to my t about it tomorrow.  i left cuz i was sick, but also cuz we were bickering all the time, it was so very stressful, and even more so cuz i was dying so was losing energy by the day.  but he was also my back-up plan in case anything happened to my d.  i can't afford to move, there's no money saved, i'd be homeless up here if she died.  he's my only resource, so the thought of giving him up has filled me with dread.  i'm in the middle of an anxiety attack right this minute. 

i also believe that my c-ptsd stuff was just too much for that relationship to stand.  i know what it's like dealing with chronic mental/emotional problems with my d, and even under the best of circumstances, it's so terribly difficult.  and, he was working 12-hr. days, 7 days/week, and there was no time to talk things out cuz he was so exhausted that he could only stay awake for about an hour before he crashed.  i was alone almost all the time, and the t that i'd found down there had bailed on me.  plus the cancer was eating me alive.  o my god, how have i survived this long?  and still trying to accomplish something productive to bring more money to our household.  maybe i should just give up, call it a day with this. 

some days i have so much energy to do this, but days like today, it's stolen from me and i can't grab hold of it at all.  i just have to make it to tomorrow.

up at 2:30 this morning.  too much stuff in my head.  my t will be here soon - she's making a house visit.  very nice.  luckily, we're in a very small town and she lives near me, so she can visit w/ me before she goes into the office.  she's glad of that.

can't even take all this extra time to write, even on my other book, cuz i can't concentrate.  just blowin' off time till she gets here.

I hope it went well, San. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  it did go well.  she helped me make a decision about my mex. hub, which was to let him know i'm working on the whole trigger situation and the goal is to get me desensitized enough so that if some remark is made that triggers me, i won't respond to it so horribly in the future.  that felt good and right.

we also started tackling my sleep problems.  i realized that my hyper-vigilance has contributed to my anxiety about going to sleep - i always had to be alert in order to be responsible if something was going on, especially after i had kids.  so, we worked on that, and on releasing tension that i've kept in my body for forever.  i didn't want to release all of it today, tho, cuz i didn't know what i was going to replace it with - there would be a big hole that needed something more positive to fill it.  we'll work on that friday, and i'm looking forward to it.

so, i'm feeling a bit more stable, which was what i was looking for originally.  getting some of this basic stuff out of the way before some of the more excruciating stuff gets dealt with.  i think i feel a bit hopeful?  maybe?  a little smile here. :)

It's good to see you smile :). This all sounds really positive and right. I'm so glad you're feeling more stable. I think having two sessions a week will work out really well for you. :hug:

thanks, snowdrop.  i sincerely appreciate all your support.

getting in touch w/ my hub was a survival thing.  i told my t that i didn't want to lose him cuz if my d died, i'd have nowhere to go, couldn't afford to stay here nor to get another apt.  i know he'd take me back, would find people to come and get me and my things, so i didn't want to eliminate him like i've done so with everyone else.  he's not a bad guy, but i think he just talks to me like talking to a best friend, so he lets it all out, doesn't quite think that there might be something personal attached.  i feel better now - i really don't want to be homeless!

cleaning day today, as a guest is coming to visit over the weekend for a few days.  so, lots of physical work, but it's not a bad thing to take a break from all the mental stuff lately.  off for a walk now, back to cleaning when i get home.

already did a funeral for my first mexican love, the man who i built a life's dream around and who got me thru some tough times during my marriage to my ex.  so, already crying and feeling torn up inside as i wait for my t to get here.  just a glutton for punishment, i guess, but i've got to start feeling the pain of the heartaches i've gone thru - i've never felt the pain before, just got dumped or pushed out and had to keep going.  no time to crumple up and double over with the weight of those losses.  any one of them could've stopped me in my tracks, and the culmination of betrayal, deceilt, denial, lies, cheating has brought me to here, where i've beens tuck since last sept.

so, i have to force myself to feel the pain now, cry the unshed tears, stop still in my tracks so that i can move off this heap of tar on which i've been stuck for far too long, that's made me sick in body and soul and threatened to cause me loss of self and sanity.  so, i've got to push thru, do this, and it hurts so bad.  i've been carrying this pain forever.  why did they all try to break my spirit? it's what they loved about me in the first place, but every single one of them worked so hard to break me.  i don't get it.

on the porch for a few days.  don't have much brainpower right now.

Please remember that you're not alone, San. We're here, we've got you, we care about you.
:bighug:

Hi SanMagic, I am also sending you a hug  :hug:  Be kind to yourself and wishing you some restful time on the Porch, if that feels like a good thing.
Hope  :)

snowdrop, as always, being reminded that you all have got me helps a lot.  i thought about it the other day, and smiled with renewed strength and energy.  thank you.

hope, always love your hugs and kindness.  thank you.

watched an episode of 'buffy' last nite, and, in short, i saw the relationship between my ex-bestie and me portrayed on the screen, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  i felt the hurt, pain, and the rage she carried into our own relationship, and sobbed throughout the entire episode.  getting these feelings back is so awful, yet so powerful and important to finally allow those toxic waste matters to be felt, acknowledged, and gotten rid of.

this morning i did a funeral for her.  it's the third funeral i've done lately (first for my family w/ my ex and d's that didn't work out the way i was hoping and expecting, second for my first mexican love who denied and dismissed me 40 yrs. later when i saw him the last time before i left).  i'm doing these now in order to feel the pain and hurt that i had never felt or allowed myself to feel at the time, and crying the tears that had never come forth before.

it's a painful process, but i believe it's necessary.  if the body keeps the score, then all this pain has been stored within me, and i am full of physical pain because of it (at least, that's my belief).  i think this unfelt, unrealized, and unshed tears are the cause of what's been diagnosed as fibromyalgia.  i'm hoping that as i get more of this pain and hurt out of me, my body will begin to feel better, too.  dang, wouldn't that be wonderful!

so, i said good-bye to my bestie this morning, and wrote all the thoughts down, let all the feelings show themselves, no matter what.   i found 2 different images of funeral flower arrangements that reminded me of  her, so they seem very individual and exclusively about her.  i've already eliminated her from my life last year, but this seemed to formalize it, and hopefully, put it more to rest.  since i've gotten a bit more of my emotions making themselves aware now, these funerals are taking on a different tone.  i mean, i've done funerals in the past, about 30 of them, but i think these are more precise, specific, and profound.

so, to rest now.  we have company coming for a few days, which will be wonderful, a dear friend of my d's since kindergarten, who has called me 'mom' most of her life.  it will be a joyous, unpretentious, and uplifting time for all of us.  time for some food and a nap.

San, hearing all the pain you are going through. Glad you are able to see your T 2x/week.
Enjoy your visit with your friend.  :hug:

hey, notalone,

so am i glad it's 2x/week!  i know it's helping me to stay a little bit more stable than i have been. 

having not felt any of this pain before has made me realize a couple things.  for one, it's amazing what i've been carrying around inside me all these decades!  i've only done some recent ones - haven't gotten to foo stuff at all yet. 

for another, i don't know how i could have managed my life if i'd felt all this at the time it happened!  since i've only been able to get in touch w/ some of my feelings, such as fear, in the past few years, i can't imagine how i would have lived my life if i'd felt everything all along.  i've said it before here, i don't understand at all how people have lived feeling afraid for so much of their lives.  i think i've only begun feeling fear for about 2-3 yrs. and when i have, it's been so horrible, i just stop in my tracks.

so, yeah, feeling the pain now for something that happened a couple years ago, has been awful.  when i went into this about my family (ex and d's), the pain was nearly unbearable.  (that ended about 5 yrs. ago)  i didn't realize how much had been hidden.  the other night when i felt it about my bestie, i became a zombie for the rest of the evening, just totally shut down from the hurt of it all.

now that i'm writing these time spans down, i'm wondering if that's important for this.  something to perhaps think about, if i'm able, or just mention here.  might be able to see a pattern.  or maybe it was the weight of the relationship that causes the most heartache and break.  that might be part of it, too.

at any rate, i'll keep doing these cuz i know on a logical level it's good to get it out of me.  i'm so very glad for the support here, tho.  thank you! :grouphug:

on the verge of tears this morning.  having too much fun with my d's friend here, but it completely knocked me out of my routine and i was so anxious last nite.  i decided then and there that i was going to have to pass on today's activities, just cuddle up by myself all day.  can't believe how this knocks me out of my socks.  she's a dear friend, calls me 'mom', she considers even me to be part of her family, but it's just too much.

so, i'm laying low the rest of the day. t tomorrow, hope that helps.

Hi SanMagic,
Sounds like you've given a lot of yourself in that relationship with your D's friend - and I'm glad you're laying low for the rest of the day to recuperate and I wanted to send you a big hug all for you  :bighug:
Hope  :)

Glad you are listening to yourself and are going to cuddle up. Here's a hug while your resting.  :hug:

thanks, hope - that hug was so precious.  i loved it! :hug:

notalone, thank you.  i did do a lot of laying back yesterday, didn't go out with my d and her friend at all, and i'm really glad i didn't.  loved the hug. :hug:

yesterday turned out to be quite a bad one for me.  i was anxious about expectations, what my d's friend would think (which i know is my own stuff - she's a wonderful person and would never be neg. toward me at all!) and just very, very lonely.  it turned out that her being here triggered my own loneliness and sadness about all the friends i don't have anymore. 

i used to have many, many friends, different groups at different times of my life, and they were all left behind when i went to mexico.  now, my supportive people are by email, only, and consist of 2, really.  all the rest have kind of fallen by the wayside.  so, having my d's best friend here - they've been friends since kindergarten - ended up being a terrible trigger for me.

i went thru a loneliness, no friends period, when i was in junior high, broke down in front of my folks about it, and their response was lacking any compassion, touch, soothing words, comfort - all that good stuff.  i flashed on that yesterday, how i'd never wanted to go thru that again, and here i am.  i know that i have my d, and she's wonderful, but it's not quite the same.

so, i did a funeral for friends, said good-bye to all of them who have come and gone.  very, very sad, lots of tears.  i was the giver in most of those relationships, and when i stopped giving, they either turned on me or disappeared.  so, i did nothing w/ my d and her friend during the day, which i'm glad of now.  they had a pretty energetic day, and it would've wiped me out.

feeling better today, and my t is coming in a few minutes.  that should help stabilize me, too.  thank god i'm getting to see her 2x/week for now.  it's really helping.

just wrote in another journal about the possibility that i also have parts that may need attention.  it's an area i haven't gone into, and it briefly came up w/ my t yesterday.  i told her i was 'afraid', which almost came out by accident.  she perked up at that, so i don't doubt we'll go into it in more detail in the near future.

thinking about the fear factor, i think it's because i'm scared it's going to hurt.  i know the pain i've been feeling with the funerals, but this is a new area for me and i don't know what to expect.  scares me a lot, tho, and i'm also not used to being/feeling scared, so it's kind of a double whammy.  i don't know if it's an area i need to start going into right away, or wait till i'm a bit more stable.  we'll see.

i do know there are parts in there - one especially has come out several times that i call the 'gray lady'.  it's like all my personality leaves and there's merely a gray shell left behind, speaking in a monotone, not showing anything lifelike.  hard to explain, but i do know her.  i've felt various ages at times, but never tangible enough to call it a 'part' or 'little'.  a new frontier, i guess.

I don't know if this helps, but I was really wary about working with parts at first as well. I felt almost threatened by the idea.

I think the key thing is that you have a good T on your side, and she has a plan for helping you. She's there for you, and we are too. :hug:

Here to support you.  :hug:

Dear San,
I am soorry I haven't been around reading your journal to support you when you've given me such great support. Thank you for that.  :hug:

I relate to being the giver in relationships; be it friends or otherwise. It's hard part to be in, because it is an uneven power dynamic in friendships. It sounds like a good idea to have a funeral for those friendships! To let go of them. I have found that online friends are sometimes better to keep and can become much more solid and deeper than with any I've had in real life. Over time there's enough distance to give each other room to grow and get to know one another I think.

thanks, snowdrop - it does help to know it's not just a crazy thing i'm thinking about the parts work.  thinking about it, it's like i want to keep all of them tucked in close, don't want to bring them out where they're vulnerable, just want to protect them - and i'm saying this without the slightest idea if it's true for me.  but the fear is real, so it must be true, and then i get scared all over again. :hug:

thanks for the support, notalone.  truly appreciated. :hug:

no apologies necessary, sceal.  we do what we can when we can.  you've been quite busy lately!  thanks for the thoughts on friends, tho. :hug:

off to see my t in a little bit.  no new funerals, but my d's friend just left yesterday, and my d and i had quite a lot of debriefing to get thru as it turned out.  the visit was not what either of us expected - her friend was not quite what we expected, and brought an uneasy energy into the house.  one of ways we knew that was true was because the cat yucked up every day while she was here.  we've had other visitors overnight, the cat never reacted like that with them.  so, we're sure that what we noticed was not just us - it was 'off' somehow.

just got back from therapy.  i told her a bit more about my parts, how scared i am to find out if there are any, how i feel like i have them all cuddled up, protecting them cuz they're too vulnerable to expose.  that's my first indication that there might be something to this for me.  she asked about shame, how i don't really feel shame about anything that's happened to me, but that since i do dissociate and depersonalize/derealize that there's usually shame attached somewhere.  i feel so out of it that i can't recognize this stuff as easily as others do.

i also told her how important it was that she's validated some of my experiences, especially since i've worked w/ professionals who literally mocked me or like that icky t i had first who was not concerned about my ex's problem when it came to me and my D1, but when he told her stuff that he considered a problem, she immediately sent him to a specialist.  when i told my t that story the other day(didn't want to get into details here - suffice it to say, it was horrible, as in she tried to blame me for his problem, stuff like that), my t quickly said 'that's insane'.

and, today, when i was telling her about my fear w/ my parts, she said she'd keep them safe.  i burst into tears - i've never had an adult say that to me about anything about myself.  to keep me safe - what a revelation!  so, she told me we didn't have to get into any of that yet, we can just keep getting to know each other.  she also thought that 2x/week would still be good for me thru april.  so, that was reassuring.

that's not to say that people here haven't told me that - i know you all keep me safe, want what's best for me.  this is the first time, tho, in over 30 yrs. of seeing t's, that one of them has actually treated me for trauma, has taken the time and energy to look out for me and what's best for me.  it hit me at my core.  such a new experience in a life so full of experience.

so, all in all, a good session.  i'm so thankful this is happening. 

I'm so glad you are feeling cared for, understood, and protected by your T. That is really big.

thanks, notalone.

well, i found a shame piece - i'm ashamed when i'm not perfect.  when i make a mistake, write too much here, or the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, don't do the right thing (i know, right and wrong are subjective - you understand what i mean).  this is my shame and it's now 4:30 a.m. and i haven't fallen asleep yet because it's been so disturbing to realize it.  hopefully, i'll go to bed now, but i feel just awful.

coming down piece by piece off my pedestal of perfection is so painful, and always leaves me feeling like a failure.  i couldn't make the 'perfect' thing work, and i'm ashamed i couldn't.  honestly, i thought if anyone could, i could.  as i told my d, this was my protection against feeling anything neg. about myself, having an ICr to contend with, or getting down on myself in any way, shape, or form.  and i'm ashamed to admit it cuz of all the arrogance i've dragged around behind it.  too much.

What an enormous, impossible burden you carry----maybe that has been placed upon you? The weight of that seems crushing. I know there is no easy "fix" for that awful shame. I wish I could take some of it off your shoulders and throw it far, far away.

notalone, your validation was so needed.  i can't thank you enough.  i never knew it was impossible, it never felt enormous, but looking at it with clearer eyes, it's like  :doh:.  still, it's so difficult to get out from under it, it scares me to death.  and, i have no doubt that was placed on me from my F from before i could crawl.  pre-verbal crapola ends up being core belief, which, in my experience, is the most difficult to change or even to challenge.  so, your recognition of its impossibility and enormity speaks wonders to my feeling of vulnerability right now.

i find my mind wrestling with this, wanting to give it up at the same time wanting it to stay.  it was so much of the protective piece i'd encircled myself with and it's terribly frightening to let it go.  i will probably have to do a funeral for it, but not yet.  just this realization is heavy enough for one day.

when i was talking to my d about some of this, she told me that altho i had all these accomplishments in my life, they were kind of just what i did, one after another, almost automatic.  there was a time when she wrote about 3 adult women in her life who she admired, and i wasn't one of them.  that really hurt.  she brought that up last nite, told me it was because i didn't seem human, so i wasn't someone she looked up to.  that makes me want to cry.

she says that now, since i've been living w/ her, i'm so very different than i was then.  she's seeing the changes, sees that i'm not as sick as i used to be, that when i get 'stress sick' i recover more quickly, and that i'm showing/expressing more emotions.  i feel like an absolute mess so much of the time, and it's nearly impossible to wrap my head around the idea that she likes me better this way!  she said that being on a pedestal was a way to stay distant from people.  well, yeah - i was supposed to lead the way!  show everyone how to do it!  how could i do that and be 'one of the gang'?

so, very confusing to me.  i'm still pretty raw, feeling paper thin. my brain is whirling.  feeling fuzzy - all that good stuff.  dang, i hate this stuff!

altho i'm super concerned about the health stuff, i've been canceling going anywhere that other people may be at, which is really sad to me, but i've discovered that the whole thing has really been stressing me out, so it's been helpful that way to cancel cancel cancel.  i'm feeling a little bit more at ease w/ the isolation, but we've got a lot of canned goods (we canceled our monthly trip to the food pantry tomorrow, which definitely puts a strain on our finances) and rice and beans that lets us know we won't starve.  i'm going to miss fresh fruits and veggies, tho.   still, better than putting myself at risk.

i know i've gotten stressed cuz i've had 2 dreams in the past few nights about traveling to mexico - that was always my go-to dream when i was stressed.  it showed me that i wasn't happy where i was, wanted to get away.  they weren't bad dreams, tho, which was good.  just being on the road, meeting and interacting w/ people.  yeah, all about that.

so, i'm depending on xanax now to keep that stress level down, which does help.  and, i am feeling better mentally and emotionally, so i know the therapy is helping as well.  that's a relief.  my d and i are binge-watching buffy in the evenings, so i'm getting a lot of tears out that had to do with relationships and other factors in my life i never cried about.  a nice up curve for right now, which feels pretty nice.  however, i've noticed that i don't have any emotional tolerance in the midst of this worry/stress for being able to read what other people are writing.  i'm still supporting you all, but i just have to take a break from reading for right now. 

i hate that i have to do that.  love and hugs to everyone. :grouphug:

I sometimes binge-watch Buffy too, Angel as well.

Don't worry about not reading what other people write. You have to do whatever is best for you and take care of yourself. Love and hugs back. :hug:

yeah, snowdrop, we're doing a back and forth w/ buffy and angel right now.  we do a lot of crying, but i don't think it's a bad thing for either of us.

thanks for the support.  i love the love and hugs!  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 16, 2020, 05:56:44 PM
however, i've noticed that i don't have any emotional tolerance in the midst of this worry/stress for being able to read what other people are writing.  i'm still supporting you all, but i just have to take a break from reading for right now. 

i hate that i have to do that.  love and hugs to everyone. :grouphug:

I understand that. There are times that I can't read others' posts either. Glad you are taking care of yourself by staying home, limiting OOTS, and T.V. binging. Here is a safe, germ free hug.  :hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on March 16, 2020, 07:03:51 PM
Don't worry about not reading what other people write. You have to do whatever is best for you and take care of yourself.

:yeahthat:    :hug: :hug:

Hi sanmagic  :wave:

Its been a while since I've had energy for other people's stuff but recently I felt it coming back and I got pulled towards reading some of your thread. I want to say that I'm sorry you've had to go through so much, but that you are doing so, so well and I know its sooo much easier said than done, but you definitely deserve to go easy on yourself. I say that and yet I struggle with this myself, though I am getting better with practice! I resonate a lot with your posts and always find your responses to my posts so helpful. I think you're pretty amazing and worthy just as you are.
Sending you much positivity  :cheer:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 13, 2020, 11:42:48 AM
thanks, notalone.

well, i found a shame piece - i'm ashamed when i'm not perfect.  when i make a mistake, write too much here, or the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, don't do the right thing (i know, right and wrong are subjective - you understand what i mean).  this is my shame and it's now 4:30 a.m. and i haven't fallen asleep yet because it's been so disturbing to realize it.  hopefully, i'll go to bed now, but i feel just awful.

coming down piece by piece off my pedestal of perfection is so painful, and always leaves me feeling like a failure.  i couldn't make the 'perfect' thing work, and i'm ashamed i couldn't.  honestly, i thought if anyone could, i could.  as i told my d, this was my protection against feeling anything neg. about myself, having an ICr to contend with, or getting down on myself in any way, shape, or form.  and i'm ashamed to admit it cuz of all the arrogance i've dragged around behind it.  too much.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 16, 2020, 05:56:44 PM
altho i'm super concerned about the health stuff, i've been canceling going anywhere that other people may be at, which is really sad to me, but i've discovered that the whole thing has really been stressing me out, so it's been helpful that way to cancel cancel cancel.  i'm feeling a little bit more at ease w/ the isolation, but we've got a lot of canned goods (we canceled our monthly trip to the food pantry tomorrow, which definitely puts a strain on our finances) and rice and beans that lets us know we won't starve.  i'm going to miss fresh fruits and veggies, tho.   still, better than putting myself at risk.

i know i've gotten stressed cuz i've had 2 dreams in the past few nights about traveling to mexico - that was always my go-to dream when i was stressed.  it showed me that i wasn't happy where i was, wanted to get away.  they weren't bad dreams, tho, which was good.  just being on the road, meeting and interacting w/ people.  yeah, all about that.

so, i'm depending on xanax now to keep that stress level down, which does help.  and, i am feeling better mentally and emotionally, so i know the therapy is helping as well.  that's a relief.  my d and i are binge-watching buffy in the evenings, so i'm getting a lot of tears out that had to do with relationships and other factors in my life i never cried about.  a nice up curve for right now, which feels pretty nice.  however, i've noticed that i don't have any emotional tolerance in the midst of this worry/stress for being able to read what other people are writing.  i'm still supporting you all, but i just have to take a break from reading for right now. 

i hate that i have to do that.  love and hugs to everyone. :grouphug:

I hear that part about "emotional tolerance".  There are just some times where you've had all you *can* tolerate and if you put one more thing in, everything will start spilling out.  You do a good job of caring for us here; you also need to do your share of self-care as well.

honestly, you all are the best!  notalone, blueberry, holidaya, allie - thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.  this was perfect timing for me.i love having you all in my life.

so, the dept. of human resources, where i go for therapy, is now shut down.  sounds like the shrink got sick, so we all have phone sessions now.  i talked a bit about my shame piece, that it must be from the time i was a baby - hard to imagine instilling shame so young, but i'm now beginning to believe that's where the alexithymia also came from because i also managed to blurt out that i'm ashamed to be ashamed, and ashamed to admit i'm ashamed.  that's an awful frickin' lot of shame right there! 

i talked about how this had to have happened so young that it became a part of my essence, my being not to have any emotions except happy (altho i can remember feeling very sad as well, and that would often leak out in tears when i was getting reprimanded about something, for which i was mocked and demeaned.  so, those were my 2 emotions for most all my life.  and, i never really 'felt' the happy, but i felt sad all the time.  on very few occasions i also felt fear or anger (i can count them on one hand, literally! in my entire life, and i remember precisely the few times i got angry w/ someone and was able to express it).

so, i'm getting some emotions now, in the past 4 or so years, and that feels weird.  i'm also chipping away at that perfection pedestal, and that feels horrible.  and, i told my t today that i felt like a very small, young child, very needy.  as i thought of it during the day, i'm thinking that as all my protective devices are being shed or chipped away, it's leaving me with the feeling of when i was that young, depending on someone to take care of me.  i'm going to talk more about that to her, cuz when i said it, she said to remember that all that was in the past, it's not now.

but, until i build up some healthier resources for myself, my mind, i would think, would bring that past into the present.  an EF maybe?  i don't feel quite that defenseless right now, and it's 8 hrs. after my talk w/ her.  so, maybe i've processed some of that and those childish feelings are being able to recede a bit.  i think time will tell on that one.

in the meantime, thank you all for the support.  i'm so grateful for it. 

You're doing amazing, and keep letting it all out here, as much as you need to. I read somewhere something along the lines of 'the opposite of trauma is being able to speak fully' (it was much better worded but you get the gist!). I have found that talking about things in excruciating details really, really helps. There was also another brilliant article I read which was advising revisiting old memories/emotions, and excavating them,  - thought that was a brilliant word to use in this context - and really giving them air time, letting it out into the open. Out of your system and released away because you never deserved to host it all in the first place.
I'll be here listening when you want to talk it out more  :cheer:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 17, 2020, 11:40:35 PM
honestly, you all are the best!  notalone, blueberry, holidaya, allie - thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.  this was perfect timing for me.i love having you all in my life.

so, the dept. of human resources, where i go for therapy, is now shut down.  sounds like the shrink got sick, so we all have phone sessions now.  i talked a bit about my shame piece, that it must be from the time i was a baby - hard to imagine instilling shame so young, but i'm now beginning to believe that's where the alexithymia also came from because i also managed to blurt out that i'm ashamed to be ashamed, and ashamed to admit i'm ashamed.  that's an awful frickin' lot of shame right there! 

i talked about how this had to have happened so young that it became a part of my essence, my being not to have any emotions except happy (altho i can remember feeling very sad as well, and that would often leak out in tears when i was getting reprimanded about something, for which i was mocked and demeaned.  so, those were my 2 emotions for most all my life.  and, i never really 'felt' the happy, but i felt sad all the time.  on very few occasions i also felt fear or anger (i can count them on one hand, literally! in my entire life, and i remember precisely the few times i got angry w/ someone and was able to express it).

so, i'm getting some emotions now, in the past 4 or so years, and that feels weird.  i'm also chipping away at that perfection pedestal, and that feels horrible.  and, i told my t today that i felt like a very small, young child, very needy.  as i thought of it during the day, i'm thinking that as all my protective devices are being shed or chipped away, it's leaving me with the feeling of when i was that young, depending on someone to take care of me.  i'm going to talk more about that to her, cuz when i said it, she said to remember that all that was in the past, it's not now.

but, until i build up some healthier resources for myself, my mind, i would think, would bring that past into the present.  an EF maybe?  i don't feel quite that defenseless right now, and it's 8 hrs. after my talk w/ her.  so, maybe i've processed some of that and those childish feelings are being able to recede a bit.  i think time will tell on that one.

in the meantime, thank you all for the support.  i'm so grateful for it.

holidayay, i think the word excavating is an excellent word, as well as concept.  when i think of excavating, i do think of huge machinery used to dig up piles of heavy heavy dirt, rocks, roots - things that are in the way for the construction of something new and clean.  i agree with your quote, too.  i once heard (watching an episode of 'buffy' that had zombies in it reminded me of this) that if we try to bury something that's still alive, it will eventually rise up and get us again and again, until it's fully dead (resolved).

i know that my brain processed what i did because i woke up during the night with a horrible nightmare, and, for the first time, a body memory.  it was about my ex, and i could feel his body pushing against me, wanting something i didn't want to give.  one of those dreams where i was doing my best to call for help, but couldn't make myself be heard.  i'd half wake up, trying yelling, fall back asleep, repeat - this happened about 3 or 4 times.  finally i was able to get a bit of a yell out in real life, and i woke up fully, but i could still feel him.  it was gross.

i knew i couldn't go back to sleep cuz the dream would simply continue, but as i lay in bed a while, reassuring myself as to where i was, the thought came to me that he or his spirit was really pissed that i'd dare lock everything pertaining to him in a file cabinet.  this had happened once before when i threw someone out my window (figuratively) who had hurt her in the past. i could see that woman's spirit, it seemed, outside my window, so very angry at me, wanting to get at me. i told her at that time that i wasn't afraid of her, that she couldn't hurt me.

then i sort of motioned with my hand as if putting up a shield so she couldn't get at me.  it worked really well.  thinking of that, i just did the same thing with him - sent his spirit out the window, put up a shield against him.  i'm tired of him gaining entrance to my mind. i may have to do more work on this, but at least i feel like i have a direction.

thank you, holidayay for the support and wise words.  loved them love you. :hug:

feeling better today - it was nice to get a good night's sleep.  i realized, as i lay in bed this morning, not getting up but rather staying there and allowing myself to doze off a couple times, how this seems to be the first time i'm consciously allowing myself to just continue lying in bed after i wake up, and how different that feels. 

for most of my life, when the alarm went off or the baby cried, or the kid was up or the sun rose, i was up and running immediately!  that had become such a habit, i'm only now noticing that it's something i don't have to do anymore.  my morning doesn't begin at daybreak now.  what a concept to realize!  i've probably spent 50 yrs. getting up at the crack of dawn for some reason or another - even in mexico, my hub's alarm would go off at 5, and i'd be out the door walking by 5:05. 

re-programming my brain to accept that this is not a necessity has taken a while - more than 2 yrs., but it's feeling like that pattern is beginning to break.  i have more days now where i don't wake up until after the sun is up - 2-3x/week, which is extraordinary to me.  hopefully, i continue on this path. 

feeling stronger, not so needy today, want to get some writing done, and i was able to post in a few journals, which also felt good.  then i ran out of wind, and wanted to write here before i close this door for the day.  slowly, slowly, slowly.  thoughts of my ex seem not so hateful right now, more neutral, which is what i was ultimately hoping for.  also, the image of him in a locked filing cabinet drawer helps.  he's away from me, and someone else's problem. 

i can picture it tho, and he's struggling to get out.  i can see part of his pants and a foot that are trying to gain purchase, but the lock is holding tight.  he's mad, tho, cuz he can't get at me. hah!

dang, it feels good to get some quality sleep.  weird, but good.  so, off to work.

Here's to patterns changing!

That nightmare sounds just plain awful. I think you're right that zombies can represent something buried, but not dead or resolved and that's why they keep coming up and back. It's an interessting line of thought which I quite like! Thank you for sharing it with us.

I'm happy to hear that after having such a horrible night you got to have a better night. Our unconcious is working hard during the night, and things often surface that we don't realise that we need to work through, or that we are working through.

I hope you get to go on your nature walks, even during these scary times.

thanks, sceal.  yeah, i liked the zombie imagery, too.   hope you're doing ok :hug:

rough session, it hit me physically as well, so i'm not feeling good. 

i do still get to go walking, will try to be in the forest tomorrow.

 :hug:

thanks for the hug, notalone.  back atcha :hug:

there were a lot of different parts to yesterday's session, including talking about my 'parts'.  we're going to save that for another time, when we can meet face to face cuz for some reason i'm terrified of getting into it.  i've been reading others' posts about their ifs journeys, and it's all fascinating to me, but from a distance.  i can see where it would be helpful, but i guess i'm just not ready to go there yet.

i started to do a funeral for my father before our session, was able to pick out the flower arrangement (it was a heart that had different colored bunches of flowers making it up - it spoke to me as being appropriate in this case. )  as i thought on it further, each different grouping of flowers - it looked like a rainbow) probably stands for a different piece of me that didn't get it's needs met, like nurturing, feeling pretty, touch, kindness,, etc.  even to where i was ashamed to be a girl (wow - that just snuck in there).

at any rate, i got about 4 lines in and i was overwhelmed.  i can't tackle him all at once, so i guess i'll make funerals separately for each one of those pieces.  that feels more do-able.   i also talked to her about how i'd done some re-parenting with help from people here, got to 18 months and everything crashed on me  :fallingbricks: and i had to stop. 

also talked about how the last time i talked to her i said i was feeling very needy, like a little girl, and she told me 'that's in the past'.  i told her that felt dismissive, and she apologized.  told her that i believe i'd gone into an EF, and she didn't know what that meant (she believes in c-ptsd, but i don't think she knows the ins and outs of it like we do - well, actually, who could! - but i felt like once more i was teaching the t how to do therapy with me).  i explained it to her, she said something about going back into the past and i can feel safe now cuz that stuff is in the past - that's what she meant.

i told her i can't feel safe anywhere right now cuz this is in my mind, so doesn't allow me to feel safe - it keeps bombarding me when i don't know it's coming.  also explained that with ef's we don't go into the past, the past comes up and grabs us, causes us to feel like we did at the time.  told her i think it's cuz some of these layers of protection i've been peeling off had shoved me back to before i had them, and i was needy because at the time i didn't get what i needed.  which, of course, why the layers were necessary in the first place.

i told her about the body memory, that i could still kinda feel it, it was gross.  that i had substituted my father for my ex in the dream that produced it, but that i'd done that kind of substitution before.  did it w/ my sister and D1 - i was mad at my sis in terrible nightmares where i was calling out and hitting/kicking the bed, wake up shaking.  eventually i realized that the substitution was because my D1 had been so sick at the same time tortuous, but i believed as a mom that i couldn't get mad at her cuz of her suffering, whether it was physical or mental/emotional.

so, it wasn't till i'd been in mex. for a couple months that i realized the substitution, and i could finally feel angry at my D1 for all she'd done to me.  with that, the nightmares stopped.  i was able to realize immediately after i woke up from this nightmare that it was my ex, not my father, who had disturbed me so badly in that dream.  now that i'm thinking about it, i've done this before, and when i looked up dreams about fathers, it said  that they represent an authority figure.  i'm thinking now about how often i deferred to my ex when i could see the black rage in his eyes - i know now it was because i'd asked a question that had gotten too close to some core something within him.

black rage is the utmost most horrifying.  he showed red rage a lot - on the road, when he lost at a video game, when he dropped ice cubes on the floor, and altho it was scary in its sound and fury, it didn't frighten me.  but when i saw the black rage in his eyes, i was frightened for my life, and backed down immediately.  so, i guess i've given him an authority standing in my life, and i can see part of that as being cuz he's super intelligent and telling me things i believed, even tho they weren't true. he spoke w/ authority, and i ended up feeling like a fool.  too many times.

so, i talked about this dream, about the body memory, told her that i needed things explained in a specific and concrete fashion cuz i have a hard time w/ imagining and creating things - it's part of the alexithymia, and autism piece, i'm guessing - for the sake of doing that.  she told me about the light stream procedure, where i imagine a stream of pure, healing light coming down thru the top of my head and attacking the body memory.  after we hung up, i began doing that, but an imagined concept of a stream of light didn't work for me, so i turned it into a light pink light saber, and that got the job done!  then i pictured all the gross parts of that body memory going into another file cabinet, and could picture a hand with a key locking those gross parts up tight.

so, for now, that file cabinet is my safe place.  he's struggling to get out, he's mad cuz i'm shoving him outside, putting up a shield in front of my window so he can't get back in.  he's mad cuz  a woman is getting the best of him, holding him accountable, even if it's only in my mind.  the misogynist gets his sense of power and control from taking apart a strong woman and breaking her into pieces - and he's done that several times over the years, but now i'm fighting back and he's not happy about it.

so, i was drained yesterday, and this was exhausting putting it all down, but i wanted to get that energy out of me and this is a safe place to put it.  i'm done for the day, tho. 

i heard the other day that it's only when we can say our truth and are able to stop blaming ourselves that the shame and blame are able to be on who they belong.  i think i'm discovering part of this now because i'm just now discovering how much shame i've been holding for just being me.  that can't be on me!  i was a baby!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 21, 2020, 03:55:05 PM
there were a lot of different parts to yesterday's session, including talking about my 'parts'.  we're going to save that for another time, when we can meet face to face cuz for some reason i'm terrified of getting into it.  i've been reading others' posts about their ifs journeys, and it's all fascinating to me, but from a distance.  i can see where it would be helpful, but i guess i'm just not ready to go there yet.

It completely makes sense that you are "terrified of getting into it." To talk about the parts is to be very vulnerable. It's a bit like being in charge of a castle and letting others know where the castle is vulnerable. For me parts hold some dark memories, so when the parts are revealed, they bring the difficult memories, which is also scary.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 21, 2020, 03:55:05 PM
i can't tackle him all at once, so i guess i'll make funerals separately for each one of those pieces.  that feels more do-able.

Sounds like a wise and kind thing to do.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 21, 2020, 03:55:05 PM
also talked about how the last time i talked to her i said i was feeling very needy, like a little girl, and she told me 'that's in the past'.  i told her that felt dismissive, and she apologized.  told her that i believe i'd gone into an EF, and she didn't know what that meant (she believes in c-ptsd, but i don't think she knows the ins and outs of it like we do - well, actually, who could! - but i felt like once more i was teaching the t how to do therapy with me).  i explained it to her, she said something about going back into the past and i can feel safe now cuz that stuff is in the past - that's what she meant.

I would have felt hurt and dismissed by that comment too. Glad you talked to her about it.

Glad you are fighting back and the file cabinet is closed! Good for you!  :cheer:

You are working hard. Thank you for sharing. It sounds really taxing. Give yourself lots of care and rest.

:grouphug:

 :hug: :hug: to you san.

notalone, thank you so much for your comfort and caring words.  your kindness is so very welcome right now.  i appreciate all you said. :hug:

blueberry, thank you for the hugs.  they're wonderful. :hug:

seems that i was dissociated during our 'buffy' episodes the night of my therapy - we had to watch them over last nite and i was able to get emotional over them.  wow - even my d said that i was somewhere else on fri. nite.

i'm taking to heart the advice/suggestions i'm hearing about taking care of myself. unfortunately, fri. was not a good eating day, but i felt back on track yesterday, so that was good.

thinking about my funerals, how many there are yet to go feels overwhelming.  i know i have so many tears inside that need to come out, but the anticipated pain is daunting.  i will be talking to my t on tues., so i might do one in the morning beforehand.  in the meantime, tomorrow is my d's birthday and i want to make her fav coffeecake.  normally, we'd go out to a restaurant (that's our big celebration splurge), but with all of them being closed, and we don't know about the money situation yet, that 's out of the question.  at least until things and people are on the mend.

in the meantime,  we're staying safe and sane.  luckily, we can still go for walks most days.  we went forest bathing yesterday, and it was grand.  so many ferns, so much moss, and the trees are so tall, but it feels calm and protective while we're in there.  it really reminds us of jurassic park.

so, i'm still able to do a little bit of writing most days, and that makes me feel good.  3 months out of my life did 3 things for me - changed it, began a new part of it, and saved it.  it was surprising at the time because i had no idea how many changes i'd be undergoing from my old life back in the States.  like people, language, culture and everything that goes along w/ those.  i was too old to do any of that, 53, but i did it anyway.

and, i think that's the spirit that helps me keep on w/ this healing stuff, which is uplifted by the people here.  it gets drained, you refuel it.  i remember another forum member wondering if it was worth it at this late stage to keep after these demons or just spend the money on enjoying the rest of life.  i've thought about that often. as difficult and painful as this is at times, i don't think i'd be able to enjoy anything, even at this late date, if i wasn't continuing on with this work.  that makes it worth it for me.

someone else's circumstances might dictate choice differently.  i just know that, even when i'm feeling ok, as soon as i begin talking to my t, i'm nearly in tears from relief.  i've been holding up for so long, i can't tell anymore what i really need and when.  it's only when the opportunity presents itself that my brain and body react in a forceful way that they're grateful and can let down their guard.  it's those times that i'm even aware of how strong that guard is. 

interesting to me was that i tried 2 different funerals today and neither of them 'worked' as i'd expected them to.  i know there were feelings going on because i felt disturbed somehow, but i couldn't feel pain or hurt or even sadness, and certainly no tears came out.  gonna watch some buffy and angel, see if they'll help.  they have in the past.

i also know that there was an emotional disturbance that i just couldn't grab hold of and feel because i wanted to eat, smoke, drink - something! - to smooth myself out.  happily, i didn't do any of those, but i can tell there is still something there.  maybe this is part of the process?  not sure.

my d's birthday today - i'll be baking her cake in a little while.

i was able to get some tears out last nite, along w/ the thought 'i'm worthless'.  that has never occurred to me to think that way about myself in my entire life that i can remember.  i know logically i'm not, but having that come up - a character was fighting and yelling about how bad/evil she is - but the word 'worthless' came up for me.  so, i guess it must be in there somewhere.  i don't doubt it has to do with this perfect thing - i couldn't be perfect so i'm worthless.  the all or nothing thinking.  ugh!

well, that's something else for my t, that we can target that when i'm able to see her.  anyone else on lockdown where they can only talk to their t by phone?  i'm finding it ok, but i can do some emdr stuff on myself after the call, so i'm getting some movement, even if it's painful and disturbing and upsetting.  still, i want this junk out of me, and i know i have to go thru the pain (wanna cry now, suddenly) in order to do it.  dang, this is horrible.

just finished on the phone w/ my t.  she suggested that i do some eft tapping, showed me the best place on the internet to learn about it - i'd seen several different versions in the past, none of which really helped - but this did tone down my stress and anxiety a bit.  she told me that any time i get these intrusive thoughts to do it again.  hope it keeps helping.  i'm quite a mess today, altho a little calmer right now.

been doing my eft tapping, but my anxiety is running high.  i already did it a couple times this morning.  last nite it did help w/ my pre-bedtime anxiety, so that felt good.  i'll hold onto that one thing.

i had more to say, but deleted it.  doesn't do anyone any good.  i will say, tho, that i'm afraid, and my anxiety is running full tilt boogie alongside my fear.  does not feel good at all. 

 :bighug:

Hugs, dear. These are trying times. We'll stick together here and gain strength and comfort from each other! ❤️

 :grouphug: for you san

snowdrop, 3r, blueberry - thank you all so much.  the hugs and support go such a long way toward helping me.   :grouphug:

i was able to check in w/ my t this morning, more of a little chat than therapy, and that also helped calm me.  still eft tapping during the day, which is helping a little.  felt very sluggish today, tho.  she wants me to call her tomorrow morning, too, which is comforting.  i can't tell you what it means to me to have a t like this.  what a difference it makes.

i agree, 3r, we will stick together here.  once again, the best people i've never met are more comforting and kind than way too many i've known throughout my life, and it still amazes and comforts me.  so, with all of you with me, once more i will make it to tomorrow.  thank you all. :grouphug:

feeling a little less fragmented this morning, so i'm hoping to be able to write more.  this stuff is so crazy making, some days i just can't stand it!  i'm talking about the c-ptsd, but put the state of the world on top of it, and it just gets worse.  i was really in pieces the last few days - easier to see it now, but i know i still have to take it easy on myself. 

talking to my t has been good, but i think we're both a bit frustrated that we can't do more of the actual therapy part.  we've just been getting me into a holding pattern lately, which has been good cuz my anxiety has been thru the roof.  still, i do want to move forward, and that's kind of tough right now.  guess i just have to carry on, make it to tomorrow.  that's the best i can do right now.

Hi SanMagic,
Glad that you're feeling a little less fragmented this morning, and I'm with you on the crazy making aspects of these times, I also feel as if I can't stand it/cope at times - and also feel it's the mix of effects of the c-ptsd and the situations currently in the World.  I am sending you a loving hug of support (safe one)  :hug:
Taking each day and each moment as it comes sounds like a good idea. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 26, 2020, 12:39:06 PM
talking to my t has been good, but i think we're both a bit frustrated that we can't do more of the actual therapy part.  we've just been getting me into a holding pattern lately, which has been good cuz my anxiety has been thru the roof.  still, i do want to move forward, and that's kind of tough right now.  guess i just have to carry on, make it to tomorrow.  that's the best i can do right now.

I get it. Glad your T is being helpful. That's a big yay!

hope, thank you for your continuing support.  i agree that our c-ptsd does not help w/ what's going on in the world, but indeed makes it more difficult to cope with.   :hug:

notalone, thank you, too, for your continuing support.  much appreciated.   :hug:

like i told my t yesterday, it's like the lid's off the pressure cooker and now every little thing that comes up to bite me is being realized consciously and i can't contain it anymore.  things that i've pushed down, ignored, absorbed, pretended away, whatever are now in my face and i can't get rid of them.  so even tho i'm telling her all this stuff, there's no resolution until i can see her again, and who knows when that will be.  i'm mired in the swamp of despair and this morning i feel as bad as i have in a long time.

part of that is cuz last nite my eating got out of control and i cooked some sausage, and it ended up burning, smoke all over, the smoke alarm near my d's room went off and woke her up and she was yelling for me to make sure i was ok and the house wasn't on fire, and it all just got away from me and  i was opening doors and windows but it still smells bad this morning and i feel like a complete failure.

and that's an example of the things coming up for me that never got as far as being a conscious thought and something that i'd admit to.  the other day i had problems on the computer trying to get a tax form printed, and i couldn't do it, my brain went all wonky and i ended up saying out loud as i was walking away 'i hate myself'.  no, i've never, ever, ever thought that about myself before, and it's now up and out there and i can't push it down anymore.  i think my eating last nite was an attempt to bury it, but it backfired and added more fuel to these terrible thoughts about myself.

this has to be coming from childhood, but i don't want to puncture that balloon yet.  i'm so overwhelmed already.  i did some eft tapping already this morning on another issue, but i think i'll have to do more throughout the day.  this feels so awful, i feel awful.  i just wish i could curl up and fade away. :disappear:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 28, 2020, 03:26:18 PM
like i told my t yesterday, it's like the lid's off the pressure cooker and now every little thing that comes up to bite me is being realized consciously and i can't contain it anymore.  things that i've pushed down, ignored, absorbed, pretended away, whatever are now in my face and i can't get rid of them.  so even tho i'm telling her all this stuff, there's no resolution until i can see her again, and who knows when that will be.  i'm mired in the swamp of despair and this morning i feel as bad as i have in a long time.

I understand. And it's not like we can just put the lid back on because of covid-19. At the same time, it isn't (to me) safe to dive into the "stuff" via remote sessions.

My eating is and has been really out of control also. I don't want to take over your post, but just want you to know that I understand.

San, you didn't do anything wrong by burning the sausages. It happens. You're human. I know there is a lot behind your feelings about yourself regarding that.

 :hug: :hug: to you san.

thank you, notalone, for your care and kindness.  that eating stuff, dang, i hate it when it pops its head up and takes over! and, i agree, not digging into the heavy 'stuff' is a good call right now.  i had a decent day today and i think it's cuz i've just been a bit more distracted from the crapola.  so, just staying a bit stabilized is feeling pretty good.   :hug:

thanks for the hugs, blueberry.  they always feel good. :hug:

i think part of why i feel kind of ok today is because i got some decent sleep last nite.  dang, it's amazing what a difference that makes.  i've also been eft tapping several times a day, so i think that's helping w/ my anxiety and those pesky intrusive thoughts.  just feeling a bit calmer all the way around.  was able to laugh out loud several times, which also felt good.  there have been too many days when i couldn't even do that, and for me, it really feels terrible not to be able to laugh.

so, we'll get thru this

rocky night last nite - lots of tossing and turning, disturbing dreams that i can't remember.  this roller coaster of one day ok, several days not so much is very wearing. 

almost done with the re-do of my next book - about 20 pages left to get into some semblance of order.  then comes the tedious job of editing.  ugh!  still, glad to have something productive-feeling that i can do at home. 

my anxiety is running high again.  i'm getting mighty sick of that. eft tapping on it, but it's not staying down for long.  i am now so afraid of getting sick cuz i don't think i'd make it - my lungs are too compromised - and i don't want to leave my d in the lurch.  i know that being anxious about it just brings more stress.  and, so far, the county i live in has no cases, so i'm in the best possible place i could be.  still . . . i've never been scared to die before, and i'm not scared for myself, but for what it would do to my d.  ok, breathe and again and again.  that helped.

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug  :hug: and hope that tonight will be more peaceful sleep-wise for you.  I know you had a rocky night last night. 

Congratulations on being almost done on your next book, and I hope that the editing will go ok.   :cheer:

Hoping you feel calmer and that the breathing helps. 

Hope  :)

thanks, hope.  i appreciate your support and your hugs - always!  keep safe and sane, ok?  :hug:

that's about all i'm focusing on right now.  writing is a good distraction until my brain just won't work anymore.  time for a break - a peaceful time on the porch, i think. just relaxing in my rocker, a wodehouse book, the sounds of the waves lapping against the shore, the smell of the sea breeze, a comfy blanket and some fancy coffee, just for a treat.  ooooh, sounds lovely,

just woke up from a nightmare involving my ex and my d as a little girl.  did a bunch of eft tapping, no help.  started screaming stop stop stop in my head and it's still there.  hope that by writing it down i'll get some of this out of me.


TW  ******************* reference to CSA


it had to do w/ him and CSA on D2, my baby, which, as far as i know didn't happen, but i do know that he's sexualized my D's from a very young age, which isn't right.  the first time i became aware of it (he did it while i was there) i brought it up at our couples' session the next week, and that was with that icky T, and all she said was 'that's inappropriate', and we heard no more about it.

the next time something happened that i was aware of was when D1 was about 13 or 14, and he'd started attending SA meetings.  he'd gotten the handbook, left it lying on a table in the living room, so i was aware of it.  it had a plain white cover, and one day, again, while i was there, he told D1 to take it to her room and draw something on it so it wasn't so plain.

this morning i realized that when i saw this happening, there was a ping in my head that this shouldn't be, that i should say something (i know, lots of should's, this is the first time it's really consciously registered that i'd failed to act when i should have) but i let the ping go unheeded, and she was given this book about sex addictions from her father.  and i didn't stop it!

i think, what's come to my mind this morning, is that i absolutely couldn't.  i didn't have it in me by that time to do one more thing to make that family run correctly, to fix one more thing, to confront him one more time on his )&*&t.  it would have had to be the end, but i didn't have anymore left in me to take over and make it right.  i didn't protect my girls!  time out for loads of sobbing right now.

i'm also admitting that he was leaving it up to me to stop him!  like the phrase 'stop me before i do it again'.  i called him out on it the first time anything happened, but then he freakin' used his semblance of going into recovery as another way to harm his d's.  o my heart, i hate that man so much!  and i wish i could've been stronger at the time to put an end to it.  but i just couldn't!  i couldn't even tho i knew for that single moment in time that i was the one who should've/could've, and i didn't.

i know, logically, it's his fault, he was the one who actually did it, but the thought just crossed my mind that so many people blame themselves for not stopping their abusers, and i was a 40-yr. old woman who didn't have it in her to stop something!  o my god in heaven, i wish he were dead!  then i wouldn't have to think of him having  any kind of interaction w/ my girls anymore, wouldn't be reminded that he's still in d2's life when she talks about how 'we' as her parents always made her feel loved, 'we' did this and that for her.  he wooed the women in his life just the right amount so that we'd keep hanging onto him. 

this dream enforces the notion that my feelings are absolutely appropriate toward him.  i heard on a show the other night someone talking about forgiveness.  the response was that in time it will be taken care of.  he has insinuated himself into so much of my life in such a neg. way, and he had the audacity to tell me, long after we were divorced how he was surprised that i wasn't happy in the marriage cuz he thought it was going pretty good.  of course he did!  it was going all his own way! 

i hate myself right now.  that's the second time in a week.  for my arrogance in thinking i could love that man enough, give him enough positives, that he'd eventually be able to see the glass as half full.  i couldn't and he never did.

Oh San, I'm sorry.

I've read what you've written, and his behaviour is 100% on him. Not you. I honestly believe that. Please don't beat yourself up about things you did or didn't do, because none of it was your fault. It's on him.

I hope writing has helped. If I may, I'll wrap you up in a big hug where it's safe and you're loved. :bighug:

omg, snowdrop, just what i needed.  thank you for all your words. :hug:

just finished w/ my t - it was pretty much a crying session.  i'm feeling very low.  all she could do was make compassionate noises.  she did tell me that next time i hear myself saying 'i hate myself' to turn that around and say 'no, i hate him!'.  just hearing that brought a fresh round of tears.

i'm in a very low, dark place right now.  my legs aren't working right now, so i can't walk.  i will just stay cuddled up, let the meds do their work, and hopefully i'll be able to call a shrink later today to see if i can get medicinal help with this, more than just xanax. 

i've been without ICr words for most of my life, so to have these come up now on top of everything else is just feeling overwhelming.  these neg. feelings toward myself, the shame, guilt, blame are so horrible to feel.  i don't know how people have lived with and felt these during their lives. i'm at a standstill, can barely move. 

i know logically and consciously that this isn't my fault, i did the best i could at the time, but another realization was that i was afraid.  didn't realize that till i was talking to her. that 'ping' i heard in the back of my head was a warning not to act.  i've seen the black rage in his eyes when i've said things he didn't like, and i immediately backed down.  with the book incident, i think i knew intuitively that i mustn't do anything, so i couldn't protect my d, either.  o, i hate him!  no wonder i ran for my life - he was literally driving me insane!

 :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

 :grouphug: Sending a blanket, tea, and tissues. And lots of hugs.  :hug: :hug:

blueberry and notalone, your hugs are invaluable.  thank you so much.  also loving all the cozy caring goodies, notalone! :hug: :hug:

talked to my t this morning, and we've finally decided that this phone stuff just isn't doing the trick, so my d helped us set up skype so we can maybe get to resolving some of the gunk that's coming up and not getting resolved.  it just keeps piling up :fallingbricks: and without resolution i'm beginning to get really down, like i'm drowning in it and can't get away :sharkbait:

she's also gonna talk to the doc there on my behalf so i can get more meds for the anxiety before i run out, possibly even some anti-depressants, if i need them.  my t thinks i'm just terribly down from being exhausted with dealing w/ all this stuff that's not giving me a break.  maybe.  but it goes to some pretty dark places every so often.

hopefully, skype will work out better, and i can get some healing done.  these nightmares about my ex are just running me ragged.  after having a terrible day yesterday, i wasn't able to get to sleep till about 5 this morning.  luckily i can take naps, so that helps.  still, my system is so unregulated re: sleep, i don't know if i'll ever get it back to something resembling 'normal'.

this will be my third visit w/ her this week - crazy-making.  one step, then another, just to stay sane.  ugh! :spooked:

Wow, I can so see all the effort and gritty determination you have in healing, and I really find it so admirable and amazing. Your proactive attitude makes me think how brilliant you are doing in healing because it makes me picture you advocating for the parts of you that were ignored and went through such difficult times and with a firm resolve, too.
You are doing so well in that regard, in my opinion. I know things sometimes don't feel like it, especially during the more difficult days, but I just wanted to say that, because its easier to see things objectively, isn't it? I hope you're able to find a little bit more peace today and get a bit of a break. This stuff is REALLY hard. I've been in the thick of it the past few days and can totally relate. Exhaustion sometimes doesn't even cover it...it's like I get to exhaustion, cross it, and enter some abyss where ...where everything is in a big tornado in my head...exhaustion mixed with anxiety mixed with flashbacks and uffff  :aaauuugh: But then it always passes.
i'm so rooting for you  :cheer:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 03, 2020, 04:00:14 AM
blueberry and notalone, your hugs are invaluable.  thank you so much.  also loving all the cozy caring goodies, notalone! :hug: :hug:

talked to my t this morning, and we've finally decided that this phone stuff just isn't doing the trick, so my d helped us set up skype so we can maybe get to resolving some of the gunk that's coming up and not getting resolved.  it just keeps piling up :fallingbricks: and without resolution i'm beginning to get really down, like i'm drowning in it and can't get away :sharkbait:

she's also gonna talk to the doc there on my behalf so i can get more meds for the anxiety before i run out, possibly even some anti-depressants, if i need them.  my t thinks i'm just terribly down from being exhausted with dealing w/ all this stuff that's not giving me a break.  maybe.  but it goes to some pretty dark places every so often.

hopefully, skype will work out better, and i can get some healing done.  these nightmares about my ex are just running me ragged.  after having a terrible day yesterday, i wasn't able to get to sleep till about 5 this morning.  luckily i can take naps, so that helps.  still, my system is so unregulated re: sleep, i don't know if i'll ever get it back to something resembling 'normal'.

this will be my third visit w/ her this week - crazy-making.  one step, then another, just to stay sane.  ugh! :spooked:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 03, 2020, 04:00:14 AM
this will be my third visit w/ her this week - crazy-making.  one step, then another, just to stay sane.  ugh! :spooked:

Yes, but as you wrote over on my Journal, these are crazy-making times, especially for people like us with underlying stuff anyway. You have done so much work on your own, I think it's good this new T of yours is seeing you more often than might be normal to help keep you sane.  :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:

thank you, holidayay for all the support and validation. i didn't even think of working for my parts - that's new territory for me, so it doesn't come to mind, but it was positive for me that you could see that.  i appreciate you saying something about it. :hug:

hey, blueberry, you're so right.  this is a messed up time. and i am grateful for my t taking this time for and with me.  thank you for all your support, and those hugs are absolutely the best! :hug:

so, i was able to work w/ my t this morning on skype, and the results were amazing!  being able to do the eye movements with her made all the difference.  i was able to resolve both my dreams about my ex, and i was feeling helpless cuz i couldn't make the images or the intrusions go away, both of which were driving me nuts. 

during the session, tho, there was a point where i was able to take my hand and forcefully, like a super hero strength, push one of the images out the window.  after i did that, both my hands felt like they were filled w/ pure energy, and if i'd wanted to (which, for a minute, i did very much want to) i could've projected that energy toward him in order to hurt him.  it felt that strong and powerful.

however, i didn't want to be about harming someone, no matter what he'd done, so i took a minute out to wash my hands, send that energy and temptation down the drain.  what it did do, tho, was remove that helpless feeling.  i don't feel helpless anymore against him, and the new image that is in my mind is that my baby is now safe and his hand was cut off at the wrist.  he cannot hurt my babies anymore.  they're safe.

i also invoked my guardian angel to take care of him for me - take care of him meaning, do what needs to be done to him.  i don't want to send neg. energy out into the universe, but i believe that he will get what's coming to him, and i'm satisfied with that.  i also realized how much authority he had over me because of his insidiousness in undermining me from day one.  each thing he did was a test for me, but it was so subversive, so sly and underhanded, that i didn't know what was happening to me.

i did tell my t that i believe he is evil, and she said there is no other way to think of him.  i've skirted around believing in evil most of my life, but this finally feels right.  her validation felt great.  hopefully, this will keep those images at bay, and the intrusions will stop and give me a little peace.  after i was finished, my d and i went for a walk - my legs were back, and very strong - and she told me that i seemed 100 times better than i had before the session, that i looked completely different.  i told her i felt cleansed. 

all in all, this was good.  my t and i also believe that because of the way i process, and am able to express everything that's going on with me while processing, that we'd be able to do this by phone if my d needs her laptop for work, so that feels really good, too.  being able to resolve all this crapola that has kept coming up, triggering me into a downward spiral, piling up on top of me so i could barely breathe makes all the difference.  once again, i have hope.  just talking on the phone, while it was nice to touch base with her, really wasn't resolving anything.  being able to utilize the emdr technique again is saving me, and i'm so grateful. 

so, i'm feeling pretty dang good right about now.  i won't be in touch w/ her till next tues., so we'll see how the weekend goes.  wow, what a blessing i've been given.

Oh that's great news San!  :applause: and  :hug:.

Glad you had such a positive, helpful session. You are working hard.  :applause:

thanks, snowdrop and notalone. :hug: :hug:

struggling today.  watched a show about a mom dying, and i cried for my own mother who's been dead for years and years.  at the time, tho, i was an active alcoholic, and, while i was there when she died, i immediately went to the bar w/ my sis and got drunk.  when it came time for the memorial service, i didn't go.  i was afraid that i would break down and cry, sob, completely lose it, and seeing as how i was the oldest in our fam, and crying was frowned upon, being strong and feisty was rewarded, i went out w my sis and her friends instead.

we drove past the church, raised our bottles to my mom, and i stayed away all nite.  shame and guilt are washing over me now at my behaviors, but i couldn't bring myself to looking less than whole in front on anyone.  this feels like i'm going to confession.

i apologized to my mom last nite.  but i'm very sad and guilt-ridden this morning.  i wanted to put this here, get some of it out of me.  don't know if it's working, but maybe a little bit. 

i'm also so sad at the way i was brought up, that i felt i had to go to such lengths to avoid looking 'weak' in front of others.  didn't know how to take sympathy, condolences, or anything good from someone else.  that's a shame in itself - not on me, but that i believed and lived that.  ok, it finally does feel better.  i think it's cuz i put the shame where it belongs. not that i want to dismiss my behaviors - i own them - but i also know they were a direct product of not only what i was taught but how i was treated. 

weird how this stuff works.  we do the opposite at the time of what we believe is wrong now.  i guess that's what learning is all about, and the work of recovery/healing.  still, i feel pretty crappy today, it took a lot out of me.  guess i'll go to the porch for the rest of the day, rock and read and listen to the waves hitting the shore.

I think that you did the best that you could at the time when you lost your mother. It might not be the way you would have handled things right now, should it have happened at this time and stage of your life. But I believe you did the best you could at the time. Alocholism is a disease, and you were handling your loss the way you'd been taught.
Your mother was one of the people who taught you this.

Perhaps you can allow yourself to grieve your mother, and to grieve who you were back then. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. (although, me saying so probably doesn't change anything).

Big hug! You are a wonderful person, San.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 06, 2020, 04:26:43 PM
i'm also so sad at the way i was brought up, that i felt i had to go to such lengths to avoid looking 'weak' in front of others.  didn't know how to take sympathy, condolences, or anything good from someone else.  that's a shame in itself - not on me, but that i believed and lived that.  ok, it finally does feel better.  i think it's cuz i put the shame where it belongs. not that i want to dismiss my behaviors - i own them - but i also know they were a direct product of not only what i was taught but how i was treated. 

The tools you were given for handling grief were limited if not outright broken. Your behaviors were a result of what you were taught and how you were treated. Be kind to yourself.

thank you, sceal.  what you say means a lot to me, always.  i actually did do a funeral for my mother this morning.  it began by writing several apologies for how i handled things with her after i was an adult, as well as her memorial service, but i also wrote a lot of what was inside me about how she raised me.  i know she was traumatized as a child, had no nurturing herself, but i wrote that, while i understood, i still didn't get the mother i needed.  it was a funeral to lay that perspective to rest - the mother i didn't have.  there were tears, but they were exactly what was needed - grieving tears.  i'm glad i did it.   :hug:


thank you, too, notalone.  you're absolutely spot on - i was given no tools for anything emotional.  i'm glad i can see that and grieve it and be much less ashamed and guilty about myself.  thank you for your kindness. :hug:

so, in therapy this morning, i also cleaned out a lot more stuff about my ex, but i'm pretty tired right now.  it's working.

 :hug: :hug: You keep going, doing so much brave work! I'm glad you see/feel your own progress with this topic already.
I agree with what's already been commented, e.g. you weren't given the tools to deal with the emotions. Actually I read your post yesterday but was not in a state to comment. I wanted to say that I find it difficult to write about my imperfections from the past or present. You did, that's brave, and I accept you the way you are. A bit like acceptance in a 12 step group. I hope that feels good for you. I guess it's like saying I don't see that you need to feel shame or guilt, though I don't know that my saying so will change anything for you.

blueberry, what you said is so important.  thank you.  it truly does make a difference.  i appreciate you and what you say - you are not someone who says things lightly, so, yeah, it feels really good. :hug:

being able to admit what went on with me in the past, and getting the acceptance, caring, support, and kindness from people here makes a lot of the shame and guilt go away.  you all are people who have been there, who have an understanding and acceptance that i've never found anywhere else.  that always makes a difference.  it's like having the bad stuff washed away because you all tell me what i need to hear w/o judgment, but with an allowance for what had been missing in my life.  that is a precious jewel given to me, and i cherish it.  thank you.

today i'm all a-twitter waiting to get a call from a doc who will hopefully prescribe me the meds i need.  my t told me she's not fond of prescribing xanax - the whole addiction thing, i guess, which ticks me off cuz i already know i'm physically addicted to the stuff (i've been taking it for 20 yrs. or so because of restless leg syndrome so that i can get some restful sleep at nite) but i haven't changed the dosage in all that time, so i'm not using it to get high.  just to be able to function in the world.

that's the difference i've thought of between medicine and drugs - drugs are used to that people can get themselves out of reality, while medicine helps people stay in reality and function properly there.  i've had that conversation with a lot of addicts who were afraid to take meds cuz they think of them as drugs.  2 different horses.

anyway, i hope i get some help.  my supply is running low, and my t had told me to take xanax every day to help me thru this terrible patch i've been experiencing since last sept.  she thinks i'm exhausted from it all rather than depressed, but we haven't had enough time to work on it to bring it down to the point where i can manage a day without being totally frizzed out.  so, fingers crossed!

Hi SanMagic,
I hope your doctor phones you soon and sorts out those medications for you.  Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks, hope, for the smile and the hug.  needed that today, so perfect timing! :hug:

day 1 of new meds.  ok, so i got a scrip for an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety pill.  the pharmacist told me to wean myself off the xanax at night as i start these, so it was 1/2 dose of both.  it knocked me out last nite in about an hour, and i slept longer than usual. so far so good.  however, my back is killing me.  u take 2 advil before bed, and that'll keep my back pain in check for the most part, for 24 hrs.  this morning, it felt like i hadn't taken them last nite.  possibility, cuz maybe i forgot?  i was pretty scattered yesterday what w/ talking to a new doc and all. 

i also know that my back often hurts more than usual if i stay in bed too long, and that certainly happened last nite.  the pain is also up into my neck and the back part of my shoulders, which doesn't happen otherwise..  i don't feel especially rested tho, more kind of dopey and drugged.  i can feel that behind my eyes.  i know anything new takes a while for the body/brain to adjust to it, so i'm not quitting it yet (even tho the pain is screaming at me). we'll see, i guess.  just wanted to put this down so i have a running account of what's going on.  so far, not so good.

day 2 of new med - last nite i had a mild panic attack when the 2 meds kicked in.  this has happened to me in the past when i've taken more than my normal dose of xanax - and was also a constant when i was using pot.  (still used it tho, haha, even when i was worried sick about being able to breathe.  it wasn't till years after i quit that i told a doc about those experiences that he told me those were panic attacks.  live and learn!)

i did make sure to take ibuprofen right before i went to sleep, and my back is ok this morning.  spent another 8 hrs. sleeping, off and on after about 6 hrs.  still lots of dreams.  my legs still don't feel right, are wobbly when i walk.  it just feels like an unnatural gait.  we'll see.

 :grouphug:

 :hug:

notalone and snowdrop, thank you both for the hugs.  love 'em!

day 3 meds - i staggered my 2 meds last nite by about 15 min. and no panic attack.  good to know.  i also woke up from a nightmare about 4 this morning, so, only 4 hrs. of sleep.  the meds wanted to put me back to sleep, but the images of the nightmare continued every time i closed my eyes, so i made myself stay awake.  my legs feel like i've got heavy ankle weights on them - that's how my gait is today.  don't know that it's worse than yesterday, maybe a little.  i do know that i don't have my regular stride right now, not by a long shot.  still feels very awkward, but also add clumsy to the mix.

it's easter, and i'm glad i'm not in mexico.  this is semana santa (holy week) down there, and since our town had a beach, thousands of people came down from the deserts of calif., camped on the beach, garbage all over, used it for a bathroom, drunks all over the place - it was absolutely horrible.  extra loud music from our neighbors played for 2 days and nights running.  needless to say there was very little about it that was holy.  i don't know if they have any restrictions down there as far as corona goes, so i'm a bit worried for the people who live there.  ugh!

carrying on as best i can, just waiting this trial period of the meds out.  hoping my legs come back to me.  walked a little bit yesterday but it was slow and laborious.  ugh, again.

it's this afternoon and i'm even more distressed.  my knee has buckled already today, and i'm walking/shuffling now, baby steps cuz my knees are totally weird.  don't know how much more of this i can stand - my #1 priority is not to fall, but i've already had that experience in the past cuz of meds, and i broke my wrist and something in my back.  i'm really tensing up  . ...

just realized i'm really pissed at this doc for dismissing my experience w/ meds.  she told me this would take about 4-6 wks., i told her this stuff has shown itself to me in 3-5 days, she said 'that's the placebo effect', like i didn't know what i was talking about, didn't know what my body was doing, how it was responding.   ugh!  spare me from doctors!!!

This sounds awful, San. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel angry on your behalf with the doctor dismissing your experience with meds.

:hug:

san, I'm so sorry to hear of all this physical pain you have atm, and then being worried about falling because your legs feel so heavy. Man, it's just one awful thing after another for you this past while.  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: with a magic cozy blanket that takes away all your pain and allows you to sleep without fear of nightmares.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 12, 2020, 06:48:10 PM
just realized i'm really pissed at this doc for dismissing my experience w/ meds.  she told me this would take about 4-6 wks., i told her this stuff has shown itself to me in 3-5 days, she said 'that's the placebo effect', like i didn't know what i was talking about, didn't know what my body was doing, how it was responding.   ugh!  spare me from doctors!!!

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: What I was told by a couple of psychs is that the negative effects of new meds come all at once in the first few days, not after 4-6 weeks. You seem to have tons of side-effects. As for the desired effects, I notice them way before 4 weeks are up, so I believe you that you notice way earlier than that. Maybe it's some sort of increased sensitivity that we have thru cptsd. Anyway I don't suppose an explanation is important. You'd just like your doc to acknowledge and accept your self-knowledge thru tons of experience. A few more supportive  :pissed: :pissed: from me.

snowdrop, thank you.  i appreciate your anger cuz it reaffirms that anger is appropriate for this situation.  i don't always know, so, again, thanks for that. :hug:

blueberry, yes, the adverse effects come at the beginning, and supposedly it takes at least a month before the beneficial effects kick in.  you're right about that - it's what i've been told over and over.  however, i also know that when i've been given anti-deps, i do feel the beneficial effects very soon after taking them.  that's happened w/ 3 different ones over the years, so i do know what i'm talking about for me.

i believe everyone's system works differently, whether it's body or brain, and how it works for one isn't necessarily how it works for another.  i understand the whole bell curve thing, that like 80% of people given these meds have it work similarly, but what most docs don't take into account is that there is 20% of the population who don't fall within those parameters, and they just kind of ignore that population.  like, a lot of people get charged up when they use  a B complex vitamin, but with me (and my oldest d, too), it has the opposite effect - it relaxes me. 

anyway, thank you very much for your caring compassion, blueberry.  i love the cozy blanket, and those big ol' embraces!  i'm thinking i may end this experiment w/ these meds today.  gonna talk to my d about it, will be talking to my t on tues, but i don't want to wait.  i found myself getting quite stressed out, worried, anxious this afternoon about all this, afraid my legs won't find their way back to normal even if i stop this med.  and, i appreciate your thoughts on the c-ptsd part of all this (i'm always looking for 'why' something happens).  it makes sense to me why i'm feeling so distressed about it.   :hug:

actually, before i came back here and saw your response, the idea of being traumatized did enter my mind several times.  like, yeah, it makes sense that i'll be more sensitive to how docs treat me, how the meds work in me - all of it.   it scares me too much that i can't trust my legs to hold me up, get me from one place to another in my own home, let alone get outside and walk next to our forest and see the ocean - something that's always beneficial for me.

you both have helped me immensely.  i'm so glad to have you in my corner.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 12, 2020, 08:27:03 PM
i believe everyone's system works differently, whether it's body or brain, and how it works for one isn't necessarily how it works for another.

:yeahthat:
I  am concerned about you and the affect these meds are having on you. Angry that the doctor dismissed your thoughts and feelings.

love you notalone - thanks for your concern.  i'm pretty miserable tonite, but no more meds.  i think i'm feeling the effects of stress flu.  ugh. 

lost the meds last nite and i can feel a difference in my legs this morning.  not up to walking outside yet, but hopefully by tomorrow.  the stress flu is gone, too, which feels good.  dang, i'm so sick of feeling miserable!  gonna call that doc, let her know i dropped the meds, leave a message w/ my t about this (she wasn't too keen on this doc anyway, but the other one has been sick for the past several weeks, so no chance right now to be in touch w/ her). 

just gonna kick back today.  maybe i'll have some gumption to write - i'm almost done w/ the first rewrite, and then on to editing.  yay!  hope to have it published by this summer.  was even able to take a shower this morning, wash all that gunk away.  another yay!

talked w/ my t this morn about the meds situation, she agreed with me about getting off them.  i told her that i was worried the doc (who wants to talk to me) would judge me about my reason.  my t said that my reason was plenty good enough, and if i wanted to hang up on her if she was giving me a hard time (i told her that's what i wanted to do), to go ahead and hang up.  my d also said she'd speak quite firmly w/ the doc if i was given any trouble (' i'd tell her to back off').  it makes me feel very well taken care of.  something new, but wow, does it ever feel good!

i did some emdr processing about sleep and my anxiety about it.  it led me back to feeling safe when my F would rock in his chair, holding me.  i was about 2 or 3, i'd guess.  i realized that was the last time i felt truly safe, nurtured, accepted, but it was because i couldn't sleep.  so, looks like there's a connection there.  i'll do more on thurs.

my legs still aren't all the way back, but i was able to walk very slowly outdoors, in the sun, see the ocean, and that felt good.  appreciating the little things.  hopefully, i'll be walking regularly again by the weekend. 

Thank goodness you're recovering. I'm glad your T is so supportive of you, makes a big difference, and your D too.

Sending love and big hugs to you, San. :hug:

Glad you stopped those meds. You know yourself and your body. Those side affects sounded scary.

snowdrop, and notalone, your care and concern are so heartening.  thank you very much.  it helps spur me on.

  ******   news rant   ******

this morning i'm talking to my t.  last nite i realized i was very angry with 3 separate incidents - talking to the doc, people interfering w/ hospital workers getting to their jobs while making a political statement (i heard the most heartwrenching rant that i've ever heard in my life from a hospital worker who couldn't get to the hospital because of deliberately-snarled traffic), and a woman who used sexual assault allegations to further her own political agenda.  gonna work on this as it caused me a very stressful night, a nightmare that nearly made me sit up in bed, disturbing other dreams and ruminations on my anger.

that's it - i'm quitting the news now.  this is so sad on so many levels, and the idea of people sabotaging health efforts took the cake.  most of it i had limited, just checking for anything relevant, but the rest of it jumps in, taking me by surprise.  i was managing pretty well, but i don't think i can take this anymore.  so, i'll work thru this anger, these things that are out of my control, and i'll learn what i need to learn in time.  not every day anymore.  there's too much.  it's making me get really hateful toward too many people.  i don't like that.

so glad i've got therapy today.  i was feeling pretty stable, and my legs are almost back to normal.  i didn't realize these things would pile up on me :fallingbricks: like they did.  it reminds me of the native americans being mowed down by smallpox or other diseases that were brought here because they had no immunity toward them.

good to get this out, too.

time for another journal.  i'll leave this here, on a positive note.  i was able to resolve the helpless feeling about what's going on around me, exchanged it for acceptance.  and, onward!