Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[sanmagic7]

you go, girl.  we're fighting right alongside you.  love and hugs!

[Deep Blue]

San,
I think we all have some sort of creativity within us.  I can't draw very well, but for some reason, pumpkin sculpting totally my jam   

Wattlebird and San,
Yeah I may look through some of my son's drawings.  His pic of me is on our fridge.

Hope and 3roses,
Thanks for the cheers and validation.
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Tough but good day at therapy today.  My T complimented me on my self care this past week.

She was impressed with the choices I made to find balance after last Thursday.  Instead of going out drinking last Friday I chose to stay home and bake instead. 

Anyway, tough topic today that I have lots of shame about.  Still too much shame to write about it.  I think that may be ok though.  Maybe I will let go of the shame of this particular memory eventually. Till then... self care when the world goes off kilter

[Jdog]

You will shed the shame when it feels safer to release it.  Good for you for trusting your own instincts.  Sending much love and support to you!

[sanmagic7]

 

even tho i experience this shame thing about stuff, it's still odd to me how this dynamic works.  i've hidden stuff, not brought it out into the open, (even when i've known it's the best thing to do, cuz shame stuff only grows in the dark), but i still don't 'get' the reasoning behind it, why we're ashamed of some things that were done to us, or that others did, like we're beholden to keep their secrets.

this has bothered me for a long time, trying to figure it out.  maybe it's un-figureable.  maybe we're just so well programmed that we take it on as our own automatically.  dang, they're good at that.  argh! 

love you, sweetie.  in your own time, as always.   

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
Thanks for the reassurance.  Good news: this particular memory didn't give me a panic attack this week, when they did last week.  Progress right? Ha ha... well a little progress.

San,
That is a very good point.  The shame should be left with our abusers but that doesn't seem to happen does it.  It's a strange dynamic indeed.  Love ya too San   
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I went to bed super early last night and it was needed    I had something to do after work every day last week.  Monday was a Halloween party, Tuesday was cooking for my son's party, Wednesday was trick or treating, Thursday was a funeral and last night I had the chiropractor and then finished... yea!

Hoping for a little more "me" time this week.  I have a sports competition this afternoon.  It's gonna be tough and I'm outta shape so hopefully I win 

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

Win or not, you are participating.  Hooray for that!

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Jdog,
You are right! Thanks 
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**** trigger warning*** physical abuse

Well it was a long long match yesterday. I was on the court for 2 hours and 15 minutes.  Ugh.  I had fun but gosh do I feel old.  I'm in my 30s and my opponent was in her 20s.  I felt super out of shape.  I found myself sucking air and saving my strength for a final rally.  I won... but phew... I was so so tired.

So today I am reminded of an old trigger.  I woke up sore as could be.  My shoulders and back feel raw.  I feel a bit like I was hit by a truck.  Unfortunately that raw body feeling is too familiar.  I remember feeling very similar having woken up after a night of P.A.

****End trigger warning ****
I'm excited for this upcoming week.  Not nearly as busy as last week.  A couple doc appointments but that's it     Self care for the rest of today and getting ready for this coming week

[Jdog]

Congrats on the win.  And if 30s is old, boy am I a fossil.  But I understand your meaning.  Younger folks always have the edge.  But Yay for Experience!  Triumph!

Sorry you got triggered.  Your P.A. makes me so darned mad.  Grr.  Wish I had been there to protect little you!! 

Rest up and it's good next week seems smoother sailing for you!

[Wattlebird]

That's great deep blue, the win I mean, you are doing much better than u give yourself credit for 21/4 hrs and winning is an accomplishment. You go girl
I agree with jdog your PA makes me a angry as well.
I'm feeling old too haha

[Three Roses]

Congrats on your win! You rock! 👍💪

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
We are so similar! I think I have written the same thing about being mad on someone else's post of P.A. and said that I wish I could have been there to stop it    thanks for getting it

Wattlebird,
Yeah I realized that came out wrong.    My body feels old... not my mind ha ha.  I don't think 30s is old, thanks for the support.

3roses,
I suppose there is no need to hide the sport I play anymore... it seems you have figured it out ha ha.
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As my achy muscles are fading so are the flashbacks of P.A.  I've tried to do lots of self care the last few days.  I've been trying to remind my amygdala that it's ok. I'm safe now.

One thing that I find confusing is that I can't tell the difference between body memories and when I'm actually hurt or sore.  The only clue is when they show up while talking about trauma but that's it... how do you tell the difference?

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

I don't know how to tell the difference between body memories and actual things related to what's happening now, either.  For me, it's a matter of intestinal distress.  I had colic as a baby, and now upsetting thoughts trigger intestinal distress.  And so do certain foods.  And sometimes eating too much of certain foods triggers old memories of abandonment.  So, I understand the situation. 

[Sceal]

I think that with mindfulness and practice you will eventually learn to feel and know the difference. You body needs to learn too, not just you. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I think it's really hard to know the difference - but I am encouraged by what Sceal said here about Mindfulness and Practice being a way to eventually learn to feel and know the difference - and enabling our body to learn - as it does Keep the Score - afterall.  I hope it will share the information over time - that's one of my hopes.
to you, Deep Blue. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
That intestinal distress is a tough one for me too.  I'm diagnosed with IBS.  Stress is a big trigger for both my body memories and my IBS so that's just another layer of confusion. One thing that seems to help soothe both for me is sipping peppermint tea.  Do you know what foods trigger you? Eggs are a problem for me.

Sceal,
You are right... I do need more practice with mindfulness.  Thanks for the vote of confidence. 

Hope,
I'm glad you said that because I'm reading the body keeps the score right now in fact.  I'm hoping it will help.   
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I slept better last night.  I find a good nights sleep very restorative. 

Unfortunately our school levy didn't pass     My job will be safe but many of my friends may not be so lucky. 

I had a good day at work today.  My students worked on character education and I love those lessons.  I love them because I get to know them each as individuals on these days.  I brought donuts for the class and we talked about social media and their relationship with it.  I love their thoughtfulness when we do those lessons.  Yes they are required by the school but it helps when they buy in.