Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Jdog]

I think a tattoo is a clever way to cover scars.  You could find something life affirming to cover something that is a painful past memory for you.

Tuesday was better for me also.  I hope you sleep well tonight, Deep Blue.

[sanmagic7]

i've seen tattoos used that way, and i thought it was a great thing to do.  one i saw that particularly struck me was a pic of a woman who'd had a breast removed.  she got a tattoo of a flowered vine down the length of the scar.  it was a way for her to turn something she'd thought ugly into something beautiful.  and it was.

i don't have any myself - too much pain, and i've been thru enough already without purposefully getting more.  my nc d has a lot, and she's used them for strength and support, as well as to hide scars.  i totally support your decision to get one, or even more, if it makes you feel better.  i think it would be great.

sending love and a hug filled with beautiful images to cover painful memories. 

[Sceal]

It depends on the scars. Sometimes it'll draw more attention to the area itself. I have one over some of my scars, on the underside of my arm where I got less scars.

If you decide to get a tattoo to cover them you need to be aware of a few things.
1. Your scars need to be completely healed, not just the surface skin, but the tissue below as well.
2. Not all tattoo artists are adept at covering scars with tattoos. The skin changes with scars... Which leads me to
3. Not all scars can be covered well.

I don't know how your scars are, it might be that you'll have none of these problems. You could also look into make up to cover them up. There are make up for covering up tattoos for example, for those who need that for photo shoots or work or similar. Might be more time consuming, but it won't be permanent.

you are a rock star

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Jdog,
I slept a little better last night.  I don't know what I would get a tattoo of.  Any thoughts? What is a good life affirming option? (A semicolon wont be big enough)

San,
I'm a bit screwed up I think.  I look forward to the pain of shots or getting blood drawn when I'm struggling.  It's kinda like a form of SH I guess 

Sceal,
I've done makeup before but was hoping for a more permanent solution.  The option to get one is another reason not to attack a certain area of my body.  Afterwards, maybe I wouldn't want to mess up the artwork?  I dunno... what's your tattoo of? 
—————————————————-
Heavy breaths today.  I'm here but mentally and physically exhausted. How is it only Wednesday?

Sent another student to get evaluated at the hospital  . I'm glad that I can see the signs and they are getting the help they need... but it's really hard on me.  (I would never show them that it affects me so). Heavy sigh

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

I'm curious about how it is that you send kids to be evaluated at a hospital.  I don't even think I would be able to know how to do that.  Is it through the guidance counselor?

In terms of tattoos- sorry, no clue.  I don't have any myself.  If I got one, maybe it would be something to do with music, since I played it quite a lot once upon a time. 

I'm bone tired as well.  It feels like just coping with the idiocy that comes out of D.C. wears me out, and then I still need to have the energy to lead lessons, guide my student teacher, and work in the school garden with 5 classes.  It's a lot.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I say hospital, but it's the local health clinic.  I send students to the counseling office and they send them there for evaluation if there is a concern of the student harming themselves or someone else.  The student must agree to be assessed.

[Sceal]

Deep Blue,
Mine is of an ancient compass, that in ancient times were used as a symbol to find the way home. It'd be on their homestead and on their transportation.

[Jdog]

Ok, thanks for clarifying about the hospital.  I know we have a specific mental health hospital in my town for holding those suspected of possible SH. 

[sanmagic7]

i think tattoos are very personal.  my older d's first one was the superman symbol to give her strength.  she also got some life-affirming words written on her arms in chinese characters, and a stylized sun symbol across a scar on her upper chest.  i think it reminded her to look toward the light.

a friend of mine got a black swan tattoo on her wrist.  the black swan story goes that for a long time, no one believed there were black swans, mainly because they'd never seen one.  one day some people were adventuring in new zealand, and decided to go off the beaten path.  to their surprise, in a little out-of-the-way place they discovered a flock of black swans.  and they were/are so very beautiful.

that story always makes me think of us here, struggling with c-ptsd.  i think of us as black swans.  you have to go out of your way to find us, acknowledge us, and know that we're here, but what a bunch of beautiful people we are, gathered in this place, making our lives work with the help of each other.

anyway, those are the best tattoos i know.  if you decide to get one or more (and i think my d also utilized the pain of it), i have no doubt you'll come upon what is absolutely correct for you.  and it will mean a lot, and you'll be glad you did it.  sending love and hugs always.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
One more of mine got sent to be evaluated today... it was my breaking point for the day. 

Sceal,
That's cool. I like the meaning behind it very much.  I wish you could just design one for me. 

San,
The image of the black swan sounds lovely. Thanks for being you. 
——————————————————-
I'm so tired today.  I hit my breaking point and it took all my energy to fight off the panic attack during school.  Finally after school I saw my T and it came.  I think she may have wanted me to have it with her.  I tried to fight it... but before I knew it... my chest closed, my hands shook, my ears started to ring and then... It overtook me. 

I use that emoticon but I don't actually cry. I'm tired physically and mentally.  The panic attack was one of those that jars the whole body.  Without wanting too all my muscles contracted.  I'm already feeling sore muscles and I know this panic attack will be one that leaves me sore tomorrow. 
Deep breaths deep breaths deep breaths... please protect me from another panic attack this evening.  I feel like another tonight will just break me.

[Jdog]

I'm so glad your therapist was there to hold the space for you while  the attack happened.  I'm so,so sorry you got pushed to the brink by a student's pain and anguish.  Your ability to hold it together until you were in a safe place says a lot about your strength. 

Selfcareselfcareselfcare.  You are loved and held by friends here in cyberspace. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Just wanting to send you a warm and very loving hug, if that's ok  and I agree with what Jdog said about seeing your strength - you must have been very strong to have been able to hold yourself and contain your emotions till you had a safe space to let them go, but at the same time, it took it out of you.  I hope you can be kind to yourself and that you get the opportunity to rest soon. 

Hope 

[Sceal]

  I hope you got through the day okay. It's week-end now, no work for the next two days, and I hope you have something good waiting for you this week-end. Be it rest or a fun tennis match - or something else that'll lift your spirits.

[Three Roses]

I have 2 tattoos, one drawn by each of my sons at my asking. I asked my eldest to draw a sun and moon for my first tattoo, a reference to a beautiful psalm in the Bible;

They have no speech, they use no words;
    no sound is heard from them.
  Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
    their words to the ends of the world.

Its significance to me is that the truth is always there, seen and known by the universe, and will not be silenced. That my truth will not be silenced.

The other is a salamander and reminds me of a time in childhood that our family went camping and enjoyed one another, and everything was peaceful. This is symbolic to me that even though there was such chaos and violence in childhood, there were moments when all was well. That now, when I feel the chaos still but only internally, I can find peace at my core, true self.

I've also heard of people who draw on their skin when they feel like they may SH. There are special pens for this, and also henna. Not so daunting, when the image will be impermanent. It occurs to me that this may be a way to try a design on for size, see how it sits with you.

You're on the frontlines of something that goes unnoticed by much of the adult world. Thanks for taking time to intervene and change these kids' courses for the better.

[Sceal]

I've also heard of people who draw on their skin when they feel like they may SH. There are special pens for this, and also henna. Not so daunting, when the image will be impermanent. It occurs to me that this may be a way to try a design on for size, see how it sits with you.

You're on the frontlines of something that goes unnoticed by much of the adult world. Thanks for taking time to intervene and change these kids' courses for the better.

That's a really interesting thing, Three Roses! With the pens, thank you for sharing that. I'm going to look into that. And I also want to join you in saying Thanks, Deep Blue, for taking the time with these kids and investing in their wellbeing and life. It's a major thing!