Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Jdog]

Suicide prevention is a huge issue, for sure.  I think that our school district has made training around this issue mandatory for all of us, but I am not sure when or where the training is to take place.  Good for you doing the awareness walk.  Being that you and I both work with students who, by virtue of their age and lack of perspective about life's ups , we know that it matters a ton to be aware of this.  I am so sorry for the losses of your friends!  I have only ever knowingly lost one friend to this, but it forever changed me. 

Enjoy your fall weekend!

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, i hope you have a great walk tomorrow - it seems that this issue is on the rise.  horrible that you've had to go thru that experience with your friends over and over.  my oldest d used to threaten suicide all the time, take pills, kept me in a hyper-aroused state for years on end, scrambling her to the hospital, being on edge every time the phone rang.  it's the worst.

crying - either we cry a lot or hardly at all, it seems.  i stopped crying for something like 30 yrs. until i got into therapy, then i couldn't stop.  i'm only just beginning to find a 'balance', so to speak.  i hope that you will eventually allow those tears to fall, cleansing, cathartic tears for all your losses, heartaches, and pain.  people talk about having 'a good cry'.  it certainly can be.

sending much love and a hug full of safety and sureness to you.  someday you'll feel safe enough to let those tears out, of that i have no doubt.  in your own time.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I agree that it is an important topic.  They did a training last year and I have to admit I dissociated the whole time.  It had come just 2 weeks after my friend had died by suicide and I just couldn't focus on what the presenter was saying.  Either way, I'm well informed whether I listened to the presenter or not.

San,
The fact that your oldest d used to threaten it as a tool for manipulation makes me absolutely sick. My own attempts makes this topic very important to me as well.  No one knows about my 2 attempts outside of this forum and my T.
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Not sure why I have had a body memory all week.  So much neck and shoulder stiffness.  Maybe I can go to the chiropractor this coming week.

No matter, still looking forward to the walk tomorrow

[Jdog]

 

[Hope67]

Dear Deep Blue,
to you.  I know you're going for a walk today - and that you are looking forward to that, and I would like to wish you a lovely time walking - and just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Hope and Jdog   
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The walk went really well today.  I raised over $125.00 for suicide prevention 

In the past these walks have been very cathartic for me.  I get to think about my loved ones lost.  This year I wrote each of their names on angel wings.  Big gulp... 4 friends, 3 students, (the brother of a close friend).  This year I got to thank the universe for saving my college friend.  And finally I get a chance to thank the universe for intervening to save me twice. 

Sending warm wishes to all.   

[Jdog]

Speaking for the universe, you are worth saving Deep Blue. 

Much love

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Jdog 
My eyes welled up when I read that.  That's a big deal for me cuz that's about the closest I ever get to real tears.

It occurs to me that I have never gotten that sentiment my whole life.  I've been told the opposite many times.

Thanks for helping me turn the page Jdog 

[Jdog]

You are absolutely worth saving, over and over.  I'm honored to be the messenger of the good news, Deep Blue.  Hold that feeling close and let it surround you like a blanket.  Soft and warm. 

Sleep well, my friend.  Be safe.   

[Sceal]

Yes, you are definitively worth saving, Deep Blue. No question about it. 
Great job participating in that walk!

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I'm still so touched.  Thanks friend 

Sceal,
Thanks for the encouragement about the walk.  It's such an important cause to me.  I feel mental illness is very misunderstood in the US.  I'm sure other areas of the world feel the same.  I just hope that my actions can help in some way you know?
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Ugh Monday's are the worst. 

I swear there is an uptick in the number of kids I send to the counselor on Monday's.  I sent 3 today     

It has just been a long long day.  I also made a friend meet me today so we could contact some therapists for her.  Her anxiety has gotten so bad that she can't even call to make a first appointment with a therapist.  Ugh

I'm just so so tired. I need another weekend to recoup from my Monday

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

Yes, Mondays are hard.  My students were definitely off today.  I was able to refer one homeless student to the counselor.  She is in my LGBTQ group and was very openly talking with my colleague about being homeless for a year and now living in a tent with her family in somebody's back yard.  Hope the district can find services for these folks....

[sanmagic7]

when i worked with the girls, mon. were also big days.  something about having to deal with whatever's going on at home for 3 nites and 2 days on their own i always suspected.  i'm just so glad you and jdog are there for those kids. 

you're wonderful.  thanks for being you.   love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Thank you for doing such hard work with these kids. And with supporting mental health and promoting knowledge! 

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
One of the things about my school that is hard is that kids desperately try to hide if they are struggling financially.  We have a great local organization that houses homeless youths.  I worry that some who need help hide it.

San,
I suspect you are right about Monday's. Today was a bit easier.  I found myself a bit grumpy and am a bit annoyed at myself for taking it out on a friend.  I texted her that coffee is on me tomorrow. Hopefully she just went to bed early and isn't mad at me.

Thanks Sceal.  I try. 
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In bed but not quite tired yet.  I felt like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Hope tomorrow will be better.

I had a dream last night that I was getting a tattoo on my wrist.  I don't have any tattoos... yet.  I have been giving more and more thought to a wrist tattoo to cover some scars    I'm ashamed that they are there.  I hide them all the time anyway, maybe a tattoo would help ease the reminder or stress of others noticing???
I don't really care what covers them,  just want them covered