Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you got some of that out, allie.  i'm with you, sweetie, all the way.  sending hugs and love and care.

[alliematt]

Okay, I hope one of the sources of my frustration has been eliminated, or at least reduced.

I spent all day yesterday having a new antivirus program scan my computer.  It's running much faster now.  For the time being. :-)  I use my computer to make money so it's important that it works properly.

[alliematt]

I thought I wrote this before, but I may not have hit "post".

I posted something somewhere that I shouldn't have, and while I'm trying to tell myself that I did nothing wrong, I am also battling fear, fear, fear.

I am afraid of being hollered at.  I am afraid of being criticized harshly.  My mother DID yell at me.  I DID get harshly criticized by bullies and by people in the church.  In the middle of a lecture, my mother once said something about "going crazy" (she wasn't accusing me of being crazy, I can no longer remember the exact context, but it was in the middle of a lecture she was giving me that started after I'd done something or said something, and the first words she said to me were -- very angrily-- "everyone makes mistakes".)

I told her, "That's what I"m afraid of.
She yelled back, "That's all I ever hear from you!! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

I was 17 when she told me that.

WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF YOU'D BEEN HOLLERED AT AND BULLIED FOR 12 YEARS IN SCHOOL???

My BFF told me a few years ago, you are always so afraid.

WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF, EVERY TIME YOU MADE A MOVE, IT WAS COMMENTED ON, MOCKED, OR CRITICIZED FOR WHATEVER REASON??

And wouldn't you be afraid if some of that criticism was done "because I love you and I want to see you be the best Christian you can be"? 

The criticizers WERE more powerful.  They DID have the power.  And I still feel powerless.

[Blueberry]

WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF YOU'D BEEN HOLLERED AT AND BULLIED FOR 12 YEARS IN SCHOOL???

WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF, EVERY TIME YOU MADE A MOVE, IT WAS COMMENTED ON, MOCKED, OR CRITICIZED FOR WHATEVER REASON??

The criticizers WERE more powerful.  They DID have the power.  And I still feel powerless.

Yes.
And yes. My fear of criticism in the second instance has been paralysing me for years.

I can relate to an awful lot of what you wrote, except that I don't and didn't have the "Christian" stuff going on.

Still feeling powerless sounds like an EF. I hope you can find and/or afford T that will help you learn to manage those EFs. As I heal bit by bit, I'm taking back more of my own power and reducing power that FOO has over me, but I'm in trauma-informed T. Without it I'm sure things wouldn't have progressed this far for me. (For others maybe). I just wanted to validate you and hope that writing about it has helped you a bit.

[alliematt]

I had a nice chat with the counselor today, and one thing she told me that can help when you are in a "shame spiral" (I'm swiping the term because I like it!) is to talk to trusted people.  I have a BFF that qualifies.

I told her that yesterday, I went to Walmart for some stuff and I had a meltdown/tantrum on the way there.  I was so frustrated and so angry over events (and one of them was my computer not working properly; it gave me the blue screen of death at least three separate times in 30 minutes) that I yelled, screamed, cussed, etc.  But, I had encounters with people at Walmart where I was reasonably pleasant and even had a chat with a Walmart employee that's starting her own YouTube channel.

She told me that that said a lot, right there, because many people would go into Walmart and be mean and nasty. 

Then I realized that I probably have a whole lot more self-control than I give myself credit for having.  The other piece of credit I will give myself is that I didn't scream at my son or at my husband, although I did yell at him briefly about the blue screen of death.  He knew I wasn't mad at him.   

I talked about being in my "right mind", and something I thought was funny was that the logical, rational part of the brain is usually the left side . . . so in order to be in my "right" mind, I have to use my "left" brain. 

I don't like it when I "lose it" as often as I think I do, when I get mad and spiral downward into this spiral of shame and guilt.  Afterwards, I look back on my postings, and what I said or thought or screamed, and I feel embarrassed.

I'm about to leave for a GYN appointment.  I'm due for a new prescription on my hormones and I'm going to ask her about the connection between hormones and depression.   

[alliematt]

Today I am physically ill so I am resting.  And after reading one too many negative posts on social media, I decided that I didn't have to drown in negativity. 

So I'm going to hunt up one of my Hitchcock movies and watch that! :-)

[alliematt]

Well, I am back.  I had an enjoyable vacation and now I'm trying to slide back into a routine.

[sanmagic7]

welcome back, allie.  glad it was a pos. experience for you.  getting back to a routine can take a bit of time, so i hope you can go easy on yourself.  sending love and hugs.

[alliematt]

Today has been pretty good.  My computer is BACK from the repair shop and moving much faster.  My cynical self says, let's see how long it lasts. :-) 

I recently asked my GYN to up the dose on my hormones, and I think that has been helping me as well.  I did have a minor meltdown when I came back and started scanning social media again; there are just times I want to throw up my hands and say, "Forget it all!!" 

Someone suggested I might want to look at moral scrupulosity.  As I understand it, it's a manifestation of OCD where you are worried about doing even one tiny thing wrong for fear of being punished.  I'm sure I deal with religious scrupulosity, and I am also the person who, if she says that she's going to get there at 8 and gets there at 8:01, ends up apologizing for being late.  I also tend to be overly detailed when I tell a story because I'm afraid if I leave one little detail out, I will be accused of lying. 

Even though I feel OK right now, I am not going to say I am "healed".  The stuff that I and everyone else on this board deals with is a constant, lifelong fight.

[Sceal]

So wonderful to hear that you're feeling okay!  And that you've had a good day.

Being worried of doing something wrong, or being late is very reckognizeable to me. I've been asked time and time again "what's the worst that can happen" and figuring that out in smaller situation helps me realize that if the worst was to come, it's not so bad that I can't handle it. And chances are that the worst wont come. Perhaps this exersize might help you too?

[alliematt]

I still feel reasonably good.  What I am dealing with right now are mostly the day to day frustrations, and I have plenty.  Yesterday I took my son to a naturopath's appointment that takes nearly three hours out of my day (nearly an hour driving there, about a half hour give or take in the office, and then an hour driving home; and I also live in an area that is notorious for bad traffic!)  I crashed when I got home and then, instead of cooking dinner, I ordered from Chick-Fil-A.  Yesterday I felt guilty about it.  Today, I realized that if I didn't have the energy, I didn't have the energy.  Tough. :-) 

While I think that upping my dose of female hormones has helped me, I'm reluctant to say that, "Ah, this did the trick for me, I'm cured!  Everyone else must check their hormone levels because that must be their problem!' 

I think about what Patty Duke wrote in her autobiography.  When she learned that she had bipolar disorder, she saw her meds as a tool to help her begin "mopping up the debris" in therapy.  That's how I see my own medical care.  I see meds as a tool, therapy as a tool, etc. Therapy doesn't replace necessary medicine; nor would medicine replace necessary therapy.  I hope that makes sense.

[alliematt]

(Trigger warning:  Sexual and other abuse referred to.)

"Only in an environment in which abuse of all kinds is normalized could sexual abuse on this scale happen."

I have never been sexually abused.  But last night, I read an excerpt from a new forward to the book Little Girls in Pretty Boxes, which is about the toxic environment in which too many elite gymnasts and figure skaters are subject to.  That sentence jumped out at me. 

Because the abuse that I was subject to -- the bullying and the spiritual abuse -- was ABSOLUTELY normalized.

It was normalized in the sense that I was told I had to ignore it, put up with it, it's a part of life, and things were never going to change. 

The spiritual abuse, specifically, was normalized in that we were told:  you need to speak the truth in love, you need to listen or you're not being submissive, all of this is supported by the Bible, and the biggie:  if you leave us, you leave God.

I was furious when I read that sentence.  And I think I should be.  It's not about "you haven't forgiven", it's about, "No, that was absolutely NOT normal and I never, ever should have been treated like that."

As many times as victims are told to forgive and forget, why are we not asking the perps, why did you do this? the same number of times?  That should be the real question!

[alliematt]

 

This is what I felt like today, and I don't really know what triggered me.  I have a few suspicions:  I haven't slept very well for a few nights, and last night, I gave in and took some Benadryl, which made me feel groggy when I got up.  I had work for pay to do, and I just did not want to do it, I resented doing it, and what I felt like was stomping all over the place and throwing things. 

I have bursitis in my hip, and I've been recently getting pain and torture -- er, physical therapy -- twice a week.  It's helping, but boy, the guy worked me hard!

So today, I opted out of praise team practice, finished up my work, will go to bed early, and I won't take any more work for the rest of the week.  Not because I resent working, but because I have PT tomorrow, back to school night (for my son) tomorrow evening, counseling session Friday, a church retreat Saturday, church Sunday, church small group Sunday evening.  I'm sure a full schedule is not helping me, and what's odd is that I don't always realize how busy I am until someone says, "Boy, I'm out of breath just reading that!" 

Rest will help!

[alliematt]

I was doing OK up until a few days ago.  Now I'm back to, "I give, I give, I give, I give."  Everything I believe is wrong.  Everything everyone else believes is right.  If I talk, I will get shouted down and THEY, whoever THEY are, will ALWAYS get the last word in!  I'm wrong, they're right, and it will NEVER change. 

major trigger warning here, I'm referring to a shooting

This past week, a shooting took place in another city where the shooter was an off-duty cop.  The victim is a graduate of a private college that many of our church members are familiar with.  So, a lot of people on my social media feeds are talking about this, and I am totally heartbroken.  Nothing in our society ever seems to change.  In fact, it's getting worse and worse day by day, and the only way to protect myself is to go and live on a private island.

[alliematt]

Well . . . life has been interesting this week.

I had a horrendous proofing job on Monday.  Wednesday, I needed to take my son to his program because he missed his bus.

Wednesday night, I had chest pains and my husband took me to the ER.  The short version is that after having my tronopin levels tested and finding them slightly elevated, I was admitted to the hospital. I've had a CAT scan and a chemical stress test, and my heart is working fine.  So I was discharged yesterday and advised to follow up with my doc, which I am going to do on Monday. 

They have ruled out a heart attack.  I'm wondering if I had my first panic attack.