Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

 

I think i know what I have to do but it is scary. My mental health is far too important. As I am still not fully okay after my panic attack this morning I can't be stuck in this cycle. I have fought to be functional and worked so hard on healing in the last year and a half that I can't let anything risk that. So I need to leave. I will find another job it will happen. I will find one where I don't have to exist in my anxiety all the time, and where I feel like I can be successful.

For the time being I have my old serving job to fall back on and make ends me. I will have the better part of a full check from this week and it will be okay.

I can't make myself miserable when there are other options. I have a hard time quitting anything but this is something I think i have to do.

[Blueberry]

Sounds self-caring and courageous. Both at once. 

[Elphanigh]

I hope it is both  I just need to decide how to do this tomorrow. Will be a hard thing to do. Walk into the office just to quit and gather my things. That is not easy. Nor have I ever had to do that.

[sanmagic7]

may i kindly and gently remind you that just 2 days ago you had a major session, lots of stuff coming up, realizations, and you've probably needed some time just to process all that.  could your panic attack be linked to that in some way?  or is it definitely only work-related.

i think you had a wise observation when you said that you needed to take your time with making a major decision.  i'm not trying to deter you from quitting if that's what you need to do.  not by any means.  only that your session has also got your brain/mind reeling, and it make take a few days for it to calm itself.

can you talk to your t about this?  see what she thinks?  if your anxiety is indeed due to your job, then of course i support your quitting.  always will i support your decisions.  i just want to be the voice of another perspective.  i don't know how badly triggering your new job was before your session. 

whatever you decide, i'm with you all the way.  sending love and a hug filled with calm and clarity.

[Elphanigh]

San, you may always remind me of that and be the voice of a different perspective. It is something I will always welcome. I know you will only ever support things that are healthy and good for me.

My panic attack feels like it is related to both. Work was the tipping point for it. Then everytime I would have it start to calm down it got worse again when I thiught about having to go to the office.

Pre the session, the job was lesving me drained, frustrated, and anxious. I spent the end of last week coming home really questioning my decision and frustrated at my inability to be good at this. The job itself needs me to be agressive and assertive, I am neither of those things. So I  am trying to be something I am not in order ti do this job. It leaves me hoping people don't anseer their phones and just praying it isn't the next human I talk to that will yell at me for simply doing my job. It was frustrating and draining. I want to be good at it, I do. I just am not sure I can ever reconcile my personality with the demands of the job. It is kind of like everything that is anti Elpha essentially.

I had a meeting with one of my training mentors on Wednesday of last week (did not have a session that Tuesday) basically telling her I was always feeling incompetent and wanted to get hood at this but that I wasn't sure I was going to make it. She talked me down from that. So this is not the first time this has crossed my mind.

The panic attack being greatly infouenced by work makes me worry. I don't think it is going to be a healthy fit for me as much as I widhed it was. I am not meant for a sales job. I don't have a thick eniugh skin to constantly be selling myself snd only see rejection. And am not one to convince people into things they don't want to do especially since I really don't care if they do them.

I spoke with her some about it. Also ran it by some clear headed friends of mine. Just bouncing idea because I don't like to quit things but I also don't want to be miserable.

I promise this isn't something I will decide lightly. I do so because I do truly believe it is better for my mental health. I spent a lot of my time today getting clearer and speaking to people I trust on it.

That being said your post does help me see I may need to take a step back real quick.

[Deep Blue]

Sending you love, support and clarity as you sort through this decision.  Oh, and luck 🍀 a little luck never hurts.

[Elphanigh]

A little bit luck is always good. Thank you Deep Blue 

[sanmagic7]

i've had a sales position that sounds similar to what you're describing.  it didn't suit me at all, either, and i did quit.  i hated doing that kind of sales. 

so, i totally understand what you're saying and where you're coming from, and i don't blame you for questioning whether this is a good fit for you.  your explanation hit my nail on the head.  i get it.  i never regretted getting out of that. 

much love, sweetie, and a big hug.  i know you'll make the right decision for you. 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad the explanation made sense. I have done a lot of thinking and talking it through. I did decide I am leaving it, my personality and place in life right now is just not suited to it. It is something I accept and recognize is truer to who I am and what i need right now.

I have a few job possibilities already and with it being busy season I picked up shifts at the restaurant for the end of next week. It will be good for what I need while I am finding something new.

Thank you for always being here for me. It means the world 

[Blueberry]

Elpha, you sound really clear on what's good for you and what isn't. I think it's really useful and beneficial to have that clarity and then go through with it even if and when people who aren't in your shoes might think something different. Like "just stick it out, it will work out" etc. Um, no, not necessarily. Been there, thought that, done that and eventually collapsed.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, it is only because I have experienced similar things and stayed longer than I should have. It hurt me and took too long to bounce back. I have already started work on the job market this morning and have all the shifts I need next week. It will be okay.

Am finally learning to stick up for myself and listen to what my body and mind are telling me. Hoping it is correct but I can only do what I think is best in the moment

[Blueberry]

I meant that as validation and compliment, even if it maybe came across somewhat different. 
anyway.   

[Elphanigh]

I took it as that too, even if I didn't respond that way.  I meant too just had other thoughts going. Thank you Blueberry 

[sanmagic7]

good for you, sweetie.  gutsy move, but sounds like the right one.   blueberry's right about those messages - i've heard them too many times.   i'm glad you got the extra shifts to carry you thru till you find something else more fitting for you. 

you go, girl!  moving right along.  much love and hugs, el.

[Elphanigh]

It is gutsy but it is what I felt in my gut to be correct, and I for the moment seem better off for it. I will still be financially okay, it is just a weird adjustment but it will be okay. I am now fighting a battle on the other end with my old apartment building, who the office agreed to one thing but their corporate is another story right now... *sigh* no breaks for this girl