ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

thanks hope and sceal.  just trying to pour as many liquids in as possible.

once again, i believe this is caused by stress, the stress of doing too much good stuff for myself.  in the past week i walked 4 out of 5 days, easy walks, maybe 20 min. each.  this has happened to me in the past, too.  it's like it's too much stress for me to eat as healthy as i want or do the exercise that i want.

and i only do it when i'm feeling up to it, so it doesn't feel like i'm pushing myself.  so, now my legs are barely moving to get me from here to the kitchen - small steps.  i am so sick of being sick.

anyway, hopefully it won't resort to clogging my lungs and i'll live thru it and come out ok on the other side.   thanks for your care and concern and support - love you so.

[Sceal]

Maybe it is because a part of you is fighting to  stay within what's familiar? Finding new ways, trying to embrace a new lifestyle, doing self-care and self-love can be new and dangerous things, and a part of you don't know where it'll will take you - and therefore it's dangerous? - And so it becomes a conflict and it drains you of energy?

Perhaps you should take it even slower, maybe walk every other day in stead of 4 days in a row? Or sit outside in fresh air rather than go for a easy stroll?

Smaller steps will eventually become a huge leap. And then you can look back at all the hard work you've done, all the small steps, and praise yourself for it. Maybe?

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, not really sure what to say now. I just want to wish you some love and care.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, d.r. for your love and care.  love you right back.

thank you, too, sceal, for your concern.  what i've figured out over the years (i used to walk nearly 5 mi./day before work, was into weightlifting, ate healthy - 20 yrs. ago i was mistaken for being 15 yrs. younger than i was, all that good stuff, loved people and parties around me) as i became sicker physically and emotionally, everything that required any energy at all was stressful and draining.

that includes conversations with most people besides my hub  and d, (altho those can sometimes upset me) going anywhere, re-attempting to do healthy things for myself.  my digestive system is now shot, my lungs are weak, my immune system barely manages to stay alive, my muscles are full of toxic pain, so anything i do takes its toll, whether it's pleasant or not.

i haven't felt 'well' in over 20 years.  i sometimes manage to feel 'good' for an hour or two on some days.  my legs go wonky when i'm stress sick (such as these past few days) - for many years, my legs would barely work after a stressful situation, such as a massage, at times up to 3 months.  i've been able to team that phenomenon up with unexpressed anger, but i don't always know when i'm angry.  wonky legs is sometimes a clue.

i suppose i'm angry about this happening again, just when i thought i was doing so well for myself, cuz my legs are just starting to come back. 

because of the effects of the trauma - i've only begun eliminating the most toxic people in my life 3 yrs. ago -  my systems have fallen flat.  making the move here from mexico just last year was another stressor, even tho i was getting out of a really stressful situation down there.

it all comes down to stress for me, whether it's pos. or neg. stress.  doesn't matter.  i can't allow myself to get too excited about an upcoming event cuz i'll get sick.  that's been happening for years.  it's just all taken its toll on my body and brain in a way that the very best thing for me is to be able to sit in my room, do what i like, and avoid stimulation as much as possible.  cocooning, insulating, protecting myself.  stress is my nemisis - i have no tolerance left for more than a teaspoon.

i have been a people person most of my life, now i can barely stand most of them.  how ironic.  once surrounded by friends, now i only have a couple long-distance relationships that are pretty superficial.   i think i have a lot of anger inside, still, about all this, but i have a hard time knowing. 

anyway, feeling a bit better today, my legs are coming back, my voice is better/stronger, but still under the weather.  this will take about a week before i'm back to my normal.  i think i have to re-gauge once again.  it's so wearing.  living here doesn't help.  i have to make do for now, which is stressful on a day-to-day basis.  so, figure it out once again and start over.

it's just so frustrating.  i began lifting again, loved it, light weights, taking my time (i thought), going slowly, when suddenly my muscles hurt too much when normally they wouldn't.  well, it's the toxins in them from absorbed emotions (this is how i see it - i have no other explanation) and the process of tearing down and rebuilding the muscle suddenly became too much, and i had to stop because of the stress of it.   p's me off.  my weights are now in the closet once again.

yeah, there's the anger.  i can't do what i want cuz i end up having to go back to the beginning after feeling crummy for a week.  this crapola sucks!!!   one more time.  i have little faith that this will ever get better.  that p's me off, too.  c'mom anger!  GET OUT OF ME!!!

ok, just pounded my bed, which felt good and bad.  my arm hurts now, but i at least physically released some of the poison.  big exhale.  that's why i write here - it helps me get to the anger that i don't normally have access to.  for some reason writing helps it to show itself.   i think i may be a really angry person.

which is why the last few years of my drinking, i went from being a very happy drunk to a very angry one.  the alc. stifled my inhibitions around anger.  o, geez.  what a frickin' mess.

[DecimalRocket]

Geez, San. That sounds tough. I don't really think about it much at my age, but my body allows me to do all kinds of important things. I've been sick for a few days at a time, but I can't imagine the stress of being like that everyday. Kudos to you to be able to find ways to deal with it.

It must be pretty stressful to be able to not do the things that you loved as well and as often. I'd go crazy if I just suddenly lost my ability to do advanced math or creative writing. It's okay to miss things. It's okay to be messy.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I want to say more, but really a hug encapsulates what I wanted to convey to you - just a very gentle one though, so not to hurt your body.  Expressing anger - I admire the fact you were able to do that - although sorry that you've hurt your arm when you were expressing it.
Take care,
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r., for reminding me it's ok to be messy.  this stuff just saps my energy.  i'm running low right now.

thanks, hope for your gentle, caring hug.  you are just the gentlest person i know, i think. 

i'm feeling better today, but responding to posts today has now left me tired, so i'll have to stop for now.  i've been thru this stress sickness bit at least 100 times in the past 20 years.  this was the first time i really attached the lack of recognition of an emotion to it. 

i was able to get angry again yesterday at the fact that the people here don't take care of ice and snow properly, which makes it dangerous for me to go out.  maybe it's just my own stuff, but like i said, i think i'm a very angry person after absorbing it for nearly all my life, so everything can irritate and annoy me if it interferes in what i want to do.  especially if it's  something that's good for me.  ugh and arrrrgh!!!

so, little by little, i'll feel better.  i just need time and rest - this usually takes a week or two to pass.  i just hate so much that it still keeps happening.  i can still remember what it was like to feel well.  i guess that's something.  wish i could respond to everyone, but that'll have to keep for a bit yet. 

[Sceal]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better today, and that you are pacing yourself with taking breaks.

Ice and snow can be dangerous, makes it impossible to maneouver outside! No wonder it makes you mad.

[sanmagic7]

feeling a bit better this morning, used up my energy writing here, so now it's time to eat something and take a nap.  i love all of you.

[Blueberry]

  and have a good 

[Sceal]

  So glad you are feeling better! food and nap sounds like a wise choice!

[DecimalRocket]

A nap sounds relaxing after a hard day. Take care, San. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you all.  every day now is a little better.  this is nothing new to me - been thru it so many times.  it's on its last legs now.  still there, but beginning to fade more and more.  i just have to continue to take it easy till it's all gone.

i got so mad last nite at the ex of my d who i can no longer stand.  she's living with him and his bro, and she runs a business with him.  he dropped a bomb on her last nite, and she now turns to me more regularly.  so, the drama continues second-hand in my life.

i was able to let out some of my anger, but she can only take so much and told me she didn't want to talk about it anymore.  i find him now to be extremely selfish, in a neg. sense, and unreliable.  she and i are of the type to step up to the plate when something needs to be done quickly, find that extra bit of stamina, and push ourselves thru to the finish.  then we rest.

on the other hand, he and his bro tend to be weaklings in so many ways.  isn't true to his word, and the bro doesn't care about anything so it's hard to get a handle on anything about him.  yeah, they're both quite damaged, too, but once again, how different some of us have become compared to others who have had similar experiences.

my d's birthday is coming up, and she wants the 2 of them and another couple to all go out to dinner together.  i have a very difficult time hiding my feelings about someone (my face is unable to become a mask) and i can't stand the thought of sitting through a dinner with them, let alone they have to pick me up and drop me off.

ugh.  i'll do my best for my d's sake, but i'll be glad when she gets away from him.   i'd like for her to just dump him and go in another direction without him.  it's difficult for me to continue seeing this happen to her with him - this isn't the only drama that's happened because of him in the past few months.   p's me off.

so, angry today, but glad to be writing about it.  glad to be feeling it, altho it's more friggin' stress, which i just don't need at this time.  god, give me the strength to get thru another day.  please.

[Sceal]

I'm sorry to hear that your d's ex is acting in such an unkind and douchey manner. I hope alongside you that she will get rid of him and move to better pastures soon. It's a shi**y situation to be stuck in. I hope they figure it out fast!

It's okay to be angry when someone is hurting your d, and people you love and care about. I think it's healthy that you're in contact with your anger now!

I am so glad you're feeling better, and here's a big hug for you to feel even better! You've meant alot to me these few months I've been here.

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, sceal, for those wonderfully descriptive words - loved them!!!

i do know it's ok to be angry at him, but i don't want to show it in front of her.  she's still emotionally attached to him, hasn't untangled herself yet, so i want to be civil to him in front of her.  she would not like me showing my true emotions - she's still protective of him in many ways.

she asked me today not to bring anything up about the situation unless she says something first.  she's asked that about other things as well, so out of respect, i will now keep my distance from the subject.  i've found that, in the past, when i've backed off, she trusts me and will eventually open up further.

all i can do is plant the seeds, sit back, and hope they take root.  i can't tell her what to do.

so, on the other hand, this stuff is emotionally draining for me.   i don't need the drama and its ensuing stress.  hopefully, this will end sooner rather than later.  i'm ready for peace and quiet in my life.   

thanks again, blueberry, d.r., and sceal for all your support and care.  i just wallow in it.