ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

thank you everyone.  sceal, i'm very sad that you understand my fear.  it is too big, too real, and i wouldn't wish that anyone understood it. 

i haven't written cuz i felt like i exposed too much of myself in my last post.  felt very raw.

allie, el, 3roses, thanks for your support.  you, too, sceal, altho your response was disturbing to me.  that's why i felt so raw - i didn't want to bring anyone into that place where my deepest beliefs reside.  and, there you were, right there, and i felt so bad for you. 

just making it day to day right now.  still fine-tuning my manuscript, editing my daughter's next book.  it feels productive and distracting.  i'm enjoying the olympics, as i always have.  it is an ideal world, for the most part, with respect, admiration, and inspiration.  i love those aspects of it.

[Sceal]

I didn't mean to disturb you, just to show you that I understand. Although, I also wish no one had this fear. But at the same time, I think it is a wise fear to have, and I hope more people have it. And that important people who can make an impact sees it too.

It's quite a thing to be able to write a book! I found it really difficult, but fun. I hope your daughter is proud of her self for finishing it!

[DecimalRocket]

Can I ask about your fear around the olympics? I'd like to understand it — only if that's okay to you though.

It's pretty cool that you're writing a book. I'd like to write one as well someday. At the right amounts, it can be really rewarding to accomplish something like this. You could tell me about it if you want and if you don't — well, haha, sorry, I'm being too curious here. It's kinda inspiring to me.

Take care, 

[sanmagic7]

d.r., ideally, the olympics is the embodiment of all that's supposed to be right with the world - athletes coming together from so many countries, competing, but with respect toward all.  i wish that world problems would be diminished and tended to in such a way.

that they're not scares the bejeeesus out of me.  it also saddens me tremendously.

not very many people understand what's really happening, but for those who do, like sceal, it's a horrible burden to bear.  that's why i'm writing about what i know, albeit in a fictional format.  it's what i'm able to do to challenge what's going on.  i don't have any power to make the necessary changes.

i know you didn't mean to disturb me, sceal.  you would never do that.  i just hate knowing that you do understand, because it's so horrible, and, like i said, i don't wish that 'knowing' on you or anyone else.

d.r., if nothing else, this book-writing may be an example not to ever lose your spirit to do new things, no matter what your age.  like i said, i'm 70, this is my first attempt at a novel.  i began it a little over a year ago.  you're never too old to do something new.

as far as the rest of my life goes, being older now and with nothing definite to hang onto, the fear nearly eclipses me at times.  i have no home to go to anymore (it's been taken over by my ex and d1), no financial resources, i'm sick, i have no one to rely on (my d2 is good with me, but not very reassuring for the future) and dependent on others for help.  i've never felt fear before, and to have it at this time of my life is kicking my butt.

this morning there was snow on the ground.  i'd like to go for a walk - it's melted already, but it was fun to see.  i want to walk in the cold.  i have to give my life over, have faith that whatever happens, i will deal with it.  i've lived most of my life that way.  the choices i made that i believed were for the best all have ended up blowing up in my face. 

so, i'm now scared, and still unfamiliar with that feeling.  being by myself has never concerned me before, but that's before i got to this age.  it's a new perspective, and it basically sucks.  still, i have to find a way to make it work without just staying stoned on xanax.  don't want to do that.

so, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, deal with what comes along, and leave the rest to god.  i have no power over any of the rest of it, so i'll give trying to have it away.   and, i have you beautiful people to help prop me up when i'm weary and worn down by it all.   i appreciate you all so much.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3roses.  always special, always appreciated. 

[Sceal]

I am not sure what to say today, so I'll just offer you some quiet company.

[sanmagic7]

that's wonderful all by itself, sceal.  so are you.

[sanmagic7]

my dd is going thru some disastrous emotional crapola with her ex, who she lives with.  it's so difficult to see her in this position - my mother's heart is breaking for her, and i want to squeeze his head till it pops like a pimple for putting her thru all this, thinking it's ok. 

there's nothing i can do but listen as she cries to me about it, about how her dreams are being shattered around her, about how he's pushing her out the door thinking he's sparing her while all the time he's doing exactly what's needed for her to be hurt and re-hurt.  she's in a lease, can't get out till summer, she had asked him to wait to date until she could move out, he refused.

ok, glad i wrote this, my anger is bubbling up.  lots of curse words and name-calling  -  insert here.  she is such a good person, always looking out for others, and he knows this, yet he's stomping on her believing it's how to keep from hurting her.  oooooooh . . . i could just  (fill in the blank).  it's always frickin' something.

[DecimalRocket]

Sorry, your dd is being hurt like this. (What does dd stand for by the way?) It's pretty horrible to be taken advantage like that. I'm glad you can get angry about this.

[sanmagic7]

i always think dd stands for darling daughter.


*******   TW    *******  death and dying

just talked to a friend who's husband died last nite.  he was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of jan., is dead 5 weeks later.   they'd been married over 35 years.  that old saying about wanting to find someone so you don't have to die alone came to mind.  her someone died first, and now she has to pick up all the pieces by herself.

he was just my age.  they nursed her mother for over a year, until she died, then moved to nurse his mother.  his mother died 20 days after his diagnosis.  my friend is taking care of all the stuff for his mom that he wasn't able to, and is now taking care of all his stuff as well.

i'd never thought much about getting old, what it might mean, until a few years ago.  my hub and i talked about it quite a bit cuz he was losing friends left and right, none of them hitting their 80's yet, most in their 60's.  his best friend went 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  i'm basically his only lifeline now.

i'm not scared of dying, per se, but this brought the aftermath right into my face.  i'm glad i got the paperwork from my doc at my last visit about how i want to go out.  part of it allows that my body can be donated to science, which i'm absolutely doing.

that's how it was with my mom, and there was no nutsing around with funeral or cremation details and costs.  she died in the hospital, my sis and i were there, and after her last breath, we said good-bye, picked up her cards, called the nurse, and everything was taken care of.  it was just a body lying there, and it could help med students.  it felt right.

i definitely don't want my d to have to deal with any of that, either.  so, i want to go out the same way.  what my friend is dealing with while in mourning is just horrible to me.  i don't want to put my d thru that.  so, even tho i didn't like him, she's been part of my life for nearly 50 yrs., and therefore he's been part of it, too.   

my chest feels sunken.  it's really hit me hard on so many levels.   there's no planning for the future, and we don't have any idea when our future will end.  sending love to all of you.  that's all i have.  deep breath.  it's done.

[sanmagic7]

rough day emotionally yesterday.  feeling better today.  it really slapped me in the face.

today i realize there's nothing i can do about it, about the whole thing.  it is what it is, and will be what it will be.  can't control it.  i just have to have faith that whatever comes along, i will deal with it.  i always have before, why should this be any different.

so, gonna go for a walk, feel the cool air on my face.  it's early, still dark out, but i've always liked walking before dawn.  something draws me to this time of day for that.  one thing different that i do now as a precautionary measure is that i take i.d. with me.  it seems like if someone knew i was walking in the dark w/o identification, they'd berate me and strongly encourage me to do so.  so, now i do.

anyway, a better day, i think. 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you are feeling better today. I did not see your post yesterday, as I had truly taken the day off from reading much on here. That is such a difficult thing to come to sit with I imagine, and as I read it I basically feel the need to keep you as long as possible. San you are so loved here 

A walk in the cold air always helps me too. It is smart to have Id just in case, but I do hope no one would actually berate you for not having it. Hugs full of healing warmth and reassurance for today

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  you are part of the reason i keep battling.

being the rebel/flower child, the idea of total freedom has appealed to me for a very long time.  it's why i still don't have my own cell phone - i know those things are tracked and can be hacked into, which means that people can know where i am at any time. 

my hub has hounded me for years to get a phone, especially when i'd fly back to the states to visit, but i loved the feeling that no one knew exactly where i was at any given moment, no one could touch me.  it was a feeling i cherished.  i used to walk in the wildlife center's forest area by myself many years ago, until attacks became too common to ignore.  it ticked me off that i had to curtail something i loved, had to give up those few moments of solitude because of some buttwipes.

it's been the same with i.d.  i'd never take any along on walks, not in mexico, not here.  that feeling of freedom.  because of my age, tho, i'm feeling like i need to be cautious.  i hate that, too.  cautious is the opposite of freedom to me.

i probably wouldn't be berated, in the ugly sense of the word actually.  but i'd be told that i 'should' have i.d. on me if i'm going out before dawn just in case i fall or something.  that it would be a good idea, just like you said.  i don't like to be reminded that constraints, as it feels to me, are better for me now.

so, i'm doing it, even if i don't like it.  i know anyone would only say something to me from a place of concern, and i don't want to worry anybody.   accepting the changes of life.

[Elphanigh]

To hear that I am part of the reason really means the world to me. You are so very precious to me, San. 

I can understand the rebel/flower child part of you. It is hard to have constraints put on us, especially if you were used to more freedom. For me I never had that freedom to begin with. I am only over the last 4 year or so begining to discover it.  I can't imagine going out without id ever. Also to walk in the dark is a very risky move here. I live in a good area but the city is still the city.

Anyways, I am glad you bring it (as my little protectice mama bear comes out). It is also good you still go for those walks, the freedom is important

Send all of my love,  and warmth