ch. 3 70's survival

[sanmagic7]

food pantry today.  one of my housemates turned me on to this, and it has totally saved me financially.  i'm able to go twice a month, and i really don't know how i would have made it without this.  the doc bills are still coming in, i'm still generating new ones, and the rent was raised last month.  luckily i don't require much more than the basics to continue to be ok.

up early again this morning.  i've been talked to in the past about my 'sleep hygiene', and i do go to bed about the same time every nite, but dang if it doesn't matter.  this morning i was up by 3:30.  i've given up worrying about it - it is what it is, and it doesn't seem to make any difference anymore.  i sleep in chunks, have done so for a long time, and i guess that's what my body is used to.  i'll be going back to bed soon.

still writing and re-writing.  can't do that for very long, especially not concentrating like that.  maybe a half hour at a time, then my brain becomes mushy.  but i'm able to do it a few times a day this way.  still, it makes for slow going.  another 'it is what it is'.

ok, time to eat and sleep, then get ready for the rest of the day.  i think this is called surviving.  i know walker's book references 'thriving' but i can't seem to picture that anymore.  too worn down.  i did thrive for a while, or so it seemed.  had a lot of fun for a time.  that's all gone now.  the memories are worth bringing back every so often - sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, living the free spirit life. 

my future is all in the past now.  i'm very glad for all the young people here - you have a future to look forward to.   i have no doubt about that.  i'm just glad that i have some of that to remember.  it wasn't all horrible.  i don't regret it.  now i just want to survive so i can keep helping my d.  she deserves it, has done a lot for me.  yeah, i'm content for the most part.

[Sceal]

I hope you find a way to thrive again, perhaps the book will give you a sense of something positive down the line.
You have been through alot, and you've recently also been sick. Sometimes we just need a break from fighting and just exist, til we have enough strength to buckle up again. Perhaps this is something for you right now. (unless this is just a young persons perspective? )

I don't think you should worry too much about sleep. As long as you go to bed at the same hour everyday, it should be fine. The older we get the less sleep we require. You probably don't need 8 hours anymore, I think it's after 30 it actually slowly starts to recline how much sleep one needs.

I'm sending you a warm hug, and inviting you to an imaginary tea-party with pastries.

[Elphanigh]

I love the idea of a tea party, Sceal!!!

San, I am sorry you are having such a difficult time with all of this. It sounds like a lot to handle, but it is good to hear you are still content. I am with Sceal, hoping that there is still some thriving ahead of you even if just some small bits. As one of those young people, I am glad you see so much ahead of all of us. Hoping to live some of that free spirit life at some point

[sanmagic7]

sceal, a tea party sounds lovely.  thanks for the idea - i can picture it.  i don't picture thriving cuz i'm too ill and old - don't think there's enough time.  i just want to survive until my d can make it on her own financially (i'm still helping her out).  that's what's keeping me going. 

el, thanks, as always.  i can't imagine it, but that doesn't mean it might not become a reality some day.  who knows, really.

woke up disturbed from a dream this morning.  i was with friends, found a newborn, don't know the gender, never cried.  i was desperately looking for someone to help me, to take care of this child, but everyone turned away.  it may be that reading about your littles, el, may have opened up that part of me that's been frozen in time, back to when i was born.

it was disturbing cuz i didn't know what to do.  it wasn't my child but it seemed like i was the one who would end up taking care of it, not by choice.   still don't really know what to do.  i just mind-scanned my body - the baby is safe in my heart.  i guess that answers my question.  and, here come the tears.  dang, i'm so sad, always have been, for everybody's pain.

i thought there was something else i was going to write about, but this trumped it, blew it away. 

i once had a counselor who told me to imagine myself at the end of my life and tell her how old i was.  i knew right away i was 92.  i've held onto that for some reason, believing that it's truth.  it gives me 22 more years to live.  maybe that is enough time to know thriving once again.

o, i know.  after reading hope's journal entry, i thought of what she said about feeling more real because some of her walls were coming down, her defenses, and that it made her feel more vulnerable.  i said that i thought it was because of newfound strength, but at the time i thought of myself, too, and how as i continue on in recovery, i feel less strong.

for one, i'm noticing dissociating where i've never noticed it before.  last doc visit, i lost myself till my d touched my leg and let me know she was there.  that had never happened before, and she described to me later how she could see my anxiety growing by things i was doing w/ my hands and muscles.  i wasn't aware at all, forgot she was there, and this is something very new for me.

i can't figure out how this can be me getting stronger.  i thought it worked the other way - the further into recovery, the less we need to dissociate.  yet, i'm seeing the opposite with me.  i don't understand this, unless i'm stronger for the fact that i'm now realizing it?  but this phenomenon, i'm not aware that i've ever done it before.  very confusing to me.

so, off to the food pantry, being my charming self.  hmmm . . .

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad you recognize the possibility is there. Honestly it is a selfish desire that I do truly hope you have another 22 years of life yet. I am sure you would fill those years (and however many you do have) with many wonderful times of healing and hopefully joy as well. I have never been able to envision myself more than about 60 which is hopefully not actually the case. Maybe just the young person in me.

As far as your dream, it does seem that maybe having read about my littles your own thoughts are being affected. It is hard to care for those little ones, especially if it is an infant that you are envisioning. I am glad it is safe in your heart, that is a wonderful place to be. Your heart is full of such strength, warmth, kindness, and love. I have witnessed all of that and more 

Dissociating more may just be a wave right now. You have been undergoing even more stress lately, that can cause spikes in symptoms. I do believe you are growing stronger and wiser in recovery but also believe that all of us go through phases. It is all a set of waves, as is the rest of life.

Sending a hug of comfort and compassion.  Love to you my dear

[sanmagic7]

thanks, el.  i didn't think of the stress factor, but that could certainly tie into it.  i don't think i thought of it cuz i'm feeling less stressed in general than i have in years and years.  more than 30 yrs., actually.  way more - more than 40, if i think about it.  i married my first hub in 71, and within a year the cheating began.  so, yeah, more than 40.

i guess most of my stress now is financial and medical/health issues.  expectations to get more tests done, but i don't have the money to do that and i end up not knowing the full extent of what might be wrong with me.  pick and choose what i think is most important rather than the docs thinking they're all important.  which they may be, but i just can't afford them all. 

my d has really been soothing and reassuring to me in all this.  she's always been patient with me when i'd come to visit her, and very kind to me.  it was such a contrast between her and d1, and i'd always thank her for her kindnesses (crying, of course) and she'd be confused cuz it's her nature to be kind and considerate.

once she understood about her sis, and experienced some of it herself, could put those behaviors toward her into the abusive category, she began seeing me in a different light, realized what i'd been saying for years, and accepted my tears even more easily cuz she knew i hadn't had very much kindness in my life.  she's been a jewel in my crown.

having her in my corner has been so important since i moved back here, but i still have that disconnected feeling when i'm not actually talking to or being with her.  it's like i can't make that bridge of feeling/knowing she's with me unless i'm in actual contact with her.  it's horrible, makes me doubt myself and our relationship. 

i know others experience this, i've had a hard time getting the feeling up to a place of consciousness in order to verbalize it.  i may have even written about this before, i don't know, but if i did, i lost it.  so, here it is again.  maybe writing it this time will help it to stick.

i think i do pretty much the same thing here.  it may be part of why i am so eager to read something pos. that someone says about me or what i posted.  i can't make this good stuff stick for some reason, so i end up feeling on my own most of the time.  still.

i know when i see it, but still have a hard time taking it in, making it a part of me.  translating it into a 'knowing'.  so very frustrating.  dang, it's hard to verbalize this, like this still shouldn't be happening, like i 'should' have gotten past this (i know the 'should' is there and that sucks) by now, but it is still there and i accept it on some level, but elsewhere within me it's just not there.

ok, confusing, frustrating, smacks me in the face how much this beast has run my life, continues to keep me from knowing pos. stuff, from feeling it.  crapola. 

no food bank yesterday, postponed till next week, but i did manage to be able to walk to the store this morning, get some stuff i've run out of, fruits and veggies especially.  my body calls out for them now, which i'm glad of.  wanted to end this on a lighter note, cuz i didn't want to drag the other thoughts with me into my day.  i'm doing ok.

[Hope67]

i can't make this good stuff stick for some reason, so i end up feeling on my own most of the time.  still.

i know when i see it, but still have a hard time taking it in, making it a part of me.  translating it into a 'knowing'.  so very frustrating.  dang, it's hard to verbalize this, like this still shouldn't be happening, like i 'should' have gotten past this (i know the 'should' is there and that sucks) by now, but it is still there and i accept it on some level, but elsewhere within me it's just not there.

Hi SanMagic,
I know you are struggling to 'verbalize' but you wrote very clearly - and I relate to what you said about no matter how much you can hear something - or be told something is good - that it's tough to get that to 'stick' - to truely 'hear' it and to truely appreciate it as a potential truth.   Maybe that's the inner critic who can't listen to it.  That's what I wonder - someone mentioned the 'inner critic' holding things from view - maybe your inner critic can't cope with you having some positives - but I'd love to say 'stand aside' inner critic, and hopefully SanMagic will be able to shine and feel the warm glow of positivity that radiates from her.  I feel that, SanMagic - and I wish you could see and feel it too.  Maybe a ray of light from it will 'stick' - and you'll be warmed by it.

I hope I've not over-stepped by writing so much here, but I just felt I wanted to say that.    to you SanMagic. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, no, you haven't overstepped anything.  what you said moved me.

i haven't really had much of an inner critic all my life - not like what i read here from others - mainly, i think, it wasn't allowed.  since i was 'perfect', i couldn't take criticism very well at all from others (even constructive) because it was attacking my core being.  therefore, i would not criticize myself.  that core has been too well defended, even from me.

therefore, you may be spot on, but i have no realization of it cuz it hasn't existed for me.  i'd never have thought of it at all, except that you brought it up.  thank you. 

my chest is like turbulent waves right now, so i'm guessing you struck a chord.  something to explore, but it feels overwhelming at this moment.  i want to flatly deny it, but i won't.  it's a possibility that i'm so out of touch with, it almost doesn't make sense to me.  almost.  a tiny voice is trying to be heard, but it's too small right now.

anyway, one more thing.  i really appreciate you taking that chance, hope.  it may have taken another brick out of the wall of self-denial.  thank you, sweetie.  i want to cry right now.

[sanmagic7]

feeling miserable again today.  i can't stand these ups and downs, backs and forths.  they are driving me nuts.  the wear me down so badly.  big sigh.  just help me get thru the day, one more time.  my new mantra, i think.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r.  brought a smile to my face, and that's never a bad thing.

strange dreams wilding about in my sleep lately.  still not feeling too great today.  i feel scattered.  woke up this morning from a dream that resounded with dylan's 'hard rain is gonna fall'.  it was the song sung for his acceptance of the nobel prize by someone else, who was affected so profoundly by the words that she stumbled thru them at one point.   it was a profound dream as well, but not disturbing. 

in it the man who sang the song died, and i went to stay with his wife and kids for a few weeks to help out.  very calm and peaceful environment, very much my groove, so i felt comfortable and appreciated.   ooooh, i felt those things.  that doesn't happen much in real life at all, hardly ever.  but i was able to feel it in that dream.  what a lovely feeling.  hoping some day to feel that in my life. 

my chest hurts, is tight after writing that, which to me is a sign of fear.  don't know of what - having that lovely feeling?  can't grasp it. 

[sanmagic7]

there was a fight in the house yesterday between the ll and another tenant.  i had to wait till they were done before i could go to the kitchen.  terrible vibes, raised voices on both sides.

when i came out, he'd gone back to his room, and i went to the sink to wash my dish when she began complaining about him, what he was and wasn't doing.  she's complained to me before about everyone, but this time she literally got in my face, like 3" away, just gritching about him and the others.

i finally had to tell her that i was getting anxious, needed to go to my room.  she apologized as i was finishing up in the kitchen.  she looked so small and forlorn standing there, i gathered her in for a hug, which produced a big sigh and relaxing her body into me. 

in some ways i feel sorry for her, but like her son told me, she makes things as hard for herself as possible.  she cleans the others' rooms if they don't live up to her standards, then complains to me.  at first, when i was new and being friendly, i'd listen, but i didn't expect that this was going to continue.  then her son complains to me when we go to the food pantry about her, and all this neg. sent me into a spiral today.

so, the xanax came out cuz i began feeling miserable once again.  i just wanna get out of here - the tension now is thick, and with this came a closing down of the dishwasher (which i never use anyway, but that's what the argument began about and escalated from there).  so now i go to get food and there are signs all over that the dishwasher is now off limits, everyone must wash, dry, and put away their dishes immediately, and i get tight just seeing that.

i just had to write it down here.  i'm feeling sick-y again cuz of the stress, and last night sent me over the edge.  had to get it out of me.   my hub tries to encourage me to just 'let it go, not your problem' but i've tried to explain for the 1000th time that it doesn't work that way for me.  it does for him, i guess, and i wish i could be like that.

out to the porch this evening.  i'm hoping to write a bit today, but that's seeming more and more like a fruitless task.  i really don't think it'll go anywhere now, cuz i don't have that creativity needed for novelization.  it's a good story, but dry, and i can't make it more moist.  i've been trying, but i can't see it being enough.  i'm sick to my soul about this.  i don't know how to do it any better, how to make it so it lives up to my d's pub. standards. 

and i don't have the energy to attempt getting it published somewhere else.  i just wanted to write a book that she could publish and make some money for herself.  it used to be plain in my mind that that would actually happen, but i can't visualize it anymore.  once again, i'm feeling crappy.  i don't want to keep doing this, feeling like this.  i'm too tired.

[Sceal]

 
Having negative atmosphere in ones home makes it hard to deal with. Even if you're not at the center, or even directly involved in the conflict! I'm sorry you had to listen to it, and got dragged into her anger at the end. Giving her a hug was probably the thing she needed the most at that time so she could calm down. You're a very good person, San.

About the book, maybe it is time you give it to the publishers for feedback? It's hard to know what and how to change anything, to make it better, if you don't have any constructive critisism. I had to ask around when I wrote mine, because I kept getting stuck. I didn't always do as they suggested, but it helped me think in new ways. It helped making it flow better. 
Don't give up. You can do this, I'm sure of it. Might be you need to give yourself a few days, a week, to NOT think about the book. To have a break from the pressure.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
It sounds like a tough time you've had, having to deal with that scenario in the house - really tough, and I am not surprised that you're feeling as you describe.  That would be tough for anyone to deal with - and I know you've already had such a lot to cope with - it's not fair sometimes is it - that's what I think sometimes.

I was thinking about what you said about your book - and wondering why when people write something about their own lives and experiences, that it needs to be moistened up to provide something that a publisher will 'appreciate' - it's like making the experience something that it wasn't - like providing some kind of 'hook' to invite and audience to 'watch' or 'read' - when often the true-life experiences aren't necessarily 'moist' - they are 'dry' 'gritty' and 'true'. 

I like the fact you are 'true to yourself' - or at least that's what come out from you, SanMagic.  I feel sure your book will be 'true' and 'readable' - and like Sceal said - maybe look for some feedback 'as it is now' - because you may find it's more 'readable' and absolutely fine as it is now.  Just as I think you are - fine as you are now.

My inner critic is telling me I shouldn't be writing all of this, but a stronger part of me wants to communicate this to you, and I hope it's ok.   Sorry for writing so much in your diary/Journal. 

Just wanted to send you a warm hug 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, thank you as always.  i've already gotten feedback from others, and from my d, so this is my final re-work.  i've had various feedbacks from several people, all of whom really liked it, but my d is a stickler, and she's the one i have to please.  i'm doing it for her sake, for her company.

i've written lots of other things, including having a paper published in a prof. journal, so i and she also know i can write.  this is my first shot at a novel, tho, and it's very different and difficult for me.  one of the things that go with alexithymia is a lack of creativity for its own sake. 

creativity is available when used to solve a problem, such as when i was actively doing therapy.  i was extremely creative as to how to resolve problems i had with the girls i worked with.  however, for myself, my brain doesn't work that way.  like, i am not able to go into a bare room and picture what it might look like when furniture, etc., is added.  i can copy something in pencil, but i can't come up with some artistic something on my own.

so, writing non-fiction has been easy for me, but doing a fictional story has been extremely difficult.  i flounder regularly.

and hope, that speaks to your response, too.  this is not a memoir about me or my life, it is fiction with elements of reality about humanity and the world included.   i've been an avid reader since i was a little girl, so i'm familiar with different styles of writing, and i know when something is dry and boring, monotonous.  it's just that when writing it myself, i can't see it as plainly, and that's where i struggle.

and, no, you didn't write too much, hope.  your thoughts and opinions are wonderful for me to hear.

so, today, i'm still in the throes of this household and its goings-on.   there is now some game-playing happening, which i really don't like.   i just want to stay out of everyone's way here.  too many agendas flying, too much negativity.  this tension isn't good for me, and i didn't expect it when i came here and it's kind of taken me by surprise.

so, i just want to be by myself, stay in my room, write, play games, watch tennis - just be.  plus, fri. is my mammo, and i'm dreading that.  don't know what they're going to decide - i've already had this examined twice and no clear diagnosis.  the doc bills are piling up again, this is an expensive month for me, and i'm feeling sick to my stomach.  yesterday was a xanax and eating day.  haven't doubled up like that for awhile.

give me the strength to get thru today.  that's all i ask.

sceal and hope, if i haven't told you before, i love you both.